And here it is…after much editing by the wonderful Daffy over at Batcrap crazy, this is all that we could show legally. The rest of this vlog has been confiscated by the FBI for further investigation.

PS…go and enter the Giveaway for a FREE blog makeover at Life According to Candice…by me of course!

I live in a neighborhood.  If you cross my street at the stop sign, there is an elementary school there.  I know it’s there and every single morning, the crossing dude waves to me as I take my kids to school.  A little farther down the road…another school….another school zone.  A little farther…another and then another.

That’s right, people.  4 school zones…every single morning.

This is what happened to me the other morning…..

We were running late.  We usually are, but this morning later than usual.  It was go Texan day and Sassy Gal couldn’t get her socks on, because they actually came up over her ankles.  Then she couldn’t pull her jeans down without her socks falling down.  Then she couldn’t get her boots on.

Brattitude Boy snapped his jean shirt on wrong and refused to take his cowboy hat off while eating, so it took him twice as long.  He also had to walk on the heels of his boots, because it is cool.

We were late…which makes me a lunatic crazy yelling screaming speeding mommy.

And, that’s when it happened.  I swerved around a car…because he was going the school zone speed limit and what happens…Joe cop pops out from behind the bushes and jumps in front of my car with his hand out and his gun…speed gun…DUH…pointed at my car.

I had two options…run him over with my Land Rover, which would have caused little to no damage to my car or pull over.  I pulled over.  My kids were in the car.  I was cussing up a blue streak and the kids were laughing.  LAUGHING!!

Joe Cop “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me “As fast as the car in front of me? I’m really sorry, but I am late taking my kids to school this morning.”

Joe Cop peers around me to the back seat. “Well, you were going 34 in what is normally a 35, but it is a school zone.  Were you aware that this is a school zone?”

Me thinking…should I lie?? “Ummm, yes, but I am running late. And, I was just trying to get around that car over there.”

Joe Cop “Wait right here and you can roll your window up, Ma’am, if you are cold.”

How sweet…Joe Cop was concerned with me catching a cold while he was making me late for school while giving me a ticket!

Brattitude Boy “Are you going to jail?”

Me “No, they don’t take mommies to jail for speeding, just little boys that are in the cars with them.”

BB “I HATE you mommy.”

Me “And, especially little boys that say they hate their mommies.”

Sassy Gal “I’m telling my teacher you got a ticket.”

Me “You are not telling anyone, and by the way, I can have that cop haul you to jail too.”

Well, the Joe Cop came back and gave me a ticket, which I can have deferred.  All of that for what?? A FRIGGIN WARNING!!

And, what is the lesson learned here?  When you are running late and speeding through a school zone, make sure that no short little cops are hiding in the bushes first.

This is just a quickie….

CCWA has a NEW URL….http://www.ccwanon.com. Please refollow and resubscribe!! Sorry about that, but we have changed the name as well….we are no longer crack whores…now we are Compulsive Comment Worshipers Anonymous. Same support, different name and different URL. New URL for the buttons too, if you want to change those, it would be greatly appreciated!! Also, stop by and see our fabu guest post from Helene at I’m Living Proof that God Has a Sense of Humor.

Buttons and Blogs is open for business!! Need a blog overhaul?? Come on by or just shoot me an email. Just want a button or a new header?? I do that too!! The whole site is not totally up, but I am taking jobs, and the calendar is filling up!! So, what are you waiting for! Facelift time!!

Comments are still off…and I’m still wading through the SITS comments!!

ADDENDUM…I want to thank Supah Mommy for the apology.  I am glad that this feud is over and the olive branch has been extended.  It was taken too far and has affected life in the real world, and now it is being put to rest.  May we all move forward and not continue to move backward, all on our equal paths to success.  To Supah and her group, we apologize to you as well for any wrong doings we have done.  Now, everyone have a drink.

We are now taking applications for Snarkler 2010 1/2.  If you are interested in attending, please send us an email, and we will send you an application. Leethehotflashqueen@headacheshormonesandhotflashes.com…you think I’m joking?? Nuh uh!

As for Snarkler 2010.  I would tell you about it, but then I would have to kill you.  We are not allowed to speak of it until after the trial.  And, I am not up to making my blog XXX rated.

There is possibly a Vlog floating around out there, but we are still not sure if it will go viral or not.

Do you get irritated with those commenters that leave nasty comments on things you do? Well, I have a button for you…check out my sidebar….use it….display it proud and click on it…takes you to a whole new place!! Go ahead..try it…dare you…just do it after you are done reading this post.

On a serious note…I am trying to get through all of my comments from my SITS day…HOLY CRAP….you peeps are amazing!  Welcome to my new followers.  Don’t forget to take your meds before visiting.

If you are a regular and don’t hear from me for a while…don’t fret!! I have to get through these comments first and then I can back to my regularly scheduled blog hopping!

Because I have so many comments to get through, I am going to turn comments off…GASP….

Go and visit our CCWA for Monday!!  She rocks!!  Jayme (aka Random Blogette). Go and give her comment luv!

Go and follow our featured follower of the week!!

Adios!

I gotta sit down!! I am hot flashin cuz it’s my SITS day!! What to say…what to wear…what to do!

For those of you who are visiting from SITS, welcome to my world! I am Lee the Hot Flash Queen, and this is my home away from home. Literally…if my kids are ever looking for me, they know where they can find me…right here, in front of my computer, on my blog.

Let me tell you a bit about myself…I am married to Ricky Retardo, who just so happens to be the BEST blog material!

My kids, Sassy Gal and Brattitude Boy, keep me on my toes and I think that if they could crawl back in the uterus, they would.

About that uterus…well, it was removed with the ovaries and that is why I am the hot flash queen!

I am snarky and irreverent and love a good laugh. I like to think that my offline personality is very similiar to my online personality.

I Vlog, I Blog, I Bitch, I Moan…but I am real, and this is me!

Thanks for stopping by and if you feel like following, please let me know, I always return the favor…oh, and give me some time to get back to your comments…I am going snarkling this weekend…but I promise to get to ALL of you!!

The Queen salutes you!

Pssssst…..Are you looking for a new blog design??  I give good blog!  Go and check me out…I’m not totally up and running, but my portfolio and packages are!! Buttons and Blogs!

Pssssstttt….Are you a Comment Crack Whore?  Go and join CCWA…we will feed your blogging addiction one comment at a time!

I am so excited, I think I peed my pants!

Snarkler is finally here!  This has been planned and in the works for a long time, and I can’t wait to spend some time with my besties, Tracie, Erin and Daffy.

What’s on the agenda?  Drinking.  Drinking.  Drinking.  Drinking. Lots of laughter.  Drinking. Eating. Drinking. And, perhaps a little surprise Vlog post from all of us to all of you!!

So, if you have ANY questions you want answered over the weekend by us, put them in the comments!

Bon Voyage!!

SNARKLER!! WOO HOO!!

I have to leave you all with this…Angel, from Angel Believes sang this at my request and it is so beautiful that I have to share…Angel…thank you!! Now, please visit her and tell her she needs to be on American Idol!

I love the Bachelor.  I can’t help it.  In my mind, I want all of that romance.  In my reality, I get to pick dirty underwear up from the floor and flush the potty behind those that forget.  In my mind, I want to be swept off my feet.  In my reality, I get swept under the rug.  In my mind, I want red roses and to make out with tons of gorgeous guys.  In my reality, I get no flowers, and get to make out with one guy who sometimes has some pretty nasty halitosis.  In my mind, I am the next Bachelorette.  In my reality, I am watching it on TV.

So, let’s stick to my mind folks, because it is a much happier place to live.  Trust me.

Let me set the scene…

Ricky and I are sitting on the couch watching the Bachelor and the little promo comes on that they are looking for the next Bachelor or Bachelorette.  I perked up from my fantasy of being on the boat with Jake in St. Lucia and thinking that if I had to swim to the beach, there would have been no way I would have swum back to that dang boat, and turned to Ricky….

“I gotta go and apply.”

RR “You can’t apply.”

Me “Why not? I think they should have a Bachelorette that is in their 40’s with kids.”

RR “Ummm, you’re married?”

Me “A small issue.  By the time the show is on, I won’t be, and if I am, you won’t mind will you?”

RR with an eyeroll “Don’t you think Sassy Gal loves her new shoes?  She is wearing the new ones all the time.  She loves them.”

In my mind, the shoes aren’t mentioned ever again.   In my reality, well, you read about my reality all the time.

I think I would be a great Bachelorette.  I’m going for it…the first married Bachelorette.  Yep, that’s going to be my reality…at least in my own mind.

This is a redo.  Why?  Why not.

photo courtesy of Sodahead.com

I almost got up in the middle of the night to write this one…

I was lying in bed and was thinking about this post and starting laughing so hard the bed was shaking! Hubby woke up because I was laughing so hard!!

Here goes…

This weekend, hubby and I were out to eat. This is the norm for us, because I don’t cook, unless you count ordering in! There we are sitting at one of our “spots”, which would be any one of 4 favorite places that we seem to frequent the most, perusing the menu when the waiter walked up.

He asked to take our drink orders. I look up and what do I see????

A BUGGER hanging out of his nose! Not just a small bugger but a long bugger that seemed to be attached to either another bugger or nose hairs or something. But, this was a gravity defying bugger.

I couldn’t make eye contact…or bugger contact. I couldn’t look. Now, I find bodily functions HILARIOUS, so it was taking all my will power to not laugh. (I am cracking up just sitting here, swear, my darling daughter just asked me if I was crying!)

After we give him our drink menus I lean over the table to hubby.

Me “Did you see that Bugger hanging out of his nose?”
Hubby “yes” ( he does not find the same kind of humor that I do)
Me “What if it falls in someones food??”
Hubby “I am sure that won’t happen.”
Me “I couldn’t look at him!”
Hubby “Me neither.”

I am sitting there thinking about this and worrying. Hoping that bugger finds a home before our food is brought out. The next time the waiter walks up the bugger is gone!

What happened to it? Did it fall on it’s own accord and if so, where did it land? Could it be in someone’s food? Do they make bugger nets for noses, like hair nets for heads? Did someone tell him and he got rid of it the proper way?

The real question…should we have told him and would you have told him??

Now…I am adding this as a codicil.  I KNOW this person.  I will tell you if you have spinach in your teeth, but how do you tell someone they have a bugger hanging out of their nose without completing embarrassing them??

Conversations with kids are funny.

Let me set the scene….

For the first time in at least 6 years, since Brattitude Boy was born, we had a lovely afternoon together, me, him and his sister.  There was no fighting, no arguing, no whining and seriously, folks…it was fantastic.

After dinner we get home and BB has found his spot on the new bean bag chair in the playroom.  This is our conversation…

BB “Mommy, these are so much cooler than the Bean Bag chairs we have in our room at school.”

Me “Really?  That’s nice to know.”

BB “Those are for when you need to go and have some time to yourself.  If you get mad or sad.  So you can chill out and think. These we get to watch TV on.”

Yes, the TV factor makes ours cooler, duh!

BB “I was good today, but I had to go and sit on the bean bag chair because I got upset today.”

Me “What happened that made you upset today?”

BB “We were playing kickball and ARod kicked me in the wiener with his very hard shoe.  It hurt when he kicked me in the wiener.  I started to cry and grabbed my wiener.  I had to go to the bean bag chair until my wiener felt better.  Then I hit Arod with a ball when my wiener felt better.  He hit me back and I went and told the teacher he kicked me in the wiener with his hard shoe.  The teacher told him he shouldn’t kick other boys in the wiener.  Cuz it hurts when you get kicked in the wiener.  So, I told ARod he needed to apologize to me for kicking me in the wiener. And he got put in time out for kicking me in the wiener.”

Me “Did he apologize?”

BB “No.  He never apologized for kicking me in the wiener.  But, I’m not mad at him anymore, I just hope I don’t get kicked in the wiener again any time soon!”

**DISCLAIMER Wieners were hurt before the telling of this story.  The word wiener was used as many times as it is written and this story was not embellished for humor mommy blogging.**

The title could cover a multitude of things, but what I did THIS time was add a very important feature to Comment Crack Whores Anonymous.

Are you sitting down??

Yes, now you can be a Featured Follower!  What does that mean?  Well, not all of you care about the comments, and those that don’t, you can sign up to be a featured follower, and *hopefully* everyone will just follow you!

To find out more, visit CCWA!!  Oh, and tell me what you think of my snazzy new button and header for that page!!

I need validation!!

For those of you who are interested in my DC trip…let’s just say…I don’t wanna talk about it!

Oh, and the offer still stands for those of you who want buttons or sites done.  Seriously, my calendar is WIDE open.  Book me while you can!  Get it while the gettings hot!  Take me NOW.  Oops…sorry, wrong forum.

Love you all!