HEADGARBAGE

It's Murder!!! (Fly Murder)

2014-05-16T10:24:00.001-04:00

I killed a fly with a banana. I'm not saying I'm more badass than Mr. Miyagi, I'm just saying that in all of the Karate Kid movies I've never seen him kill a fly with produce...

Best Ever?

2014-02-28T22:11:00.001-05:00

As a society we consistently use words and phrases inappropriately, not as then were intended. I'm not talking about the typical Too, To, Two; They're, There, Their catastrophe. I'm referring to the overwhelmingly unrealistic, "Best Ever" comments that are made on the daily.

"This is the best soup ever!"

Really? Have you had ALL of the soup? You're telling me you've tried all of the soup, ever, and this is the best. Even if that was the case, what gives you the right to be the final judge and jury on the quality of soup? Did you major in Culinary Arts in college with a concentration in Soup?

"This is the best day ever!"

Oh is that right? I didn't realize you were over 2000 years old (which essentially makes you a vampire) and have been witness to all of the days ever and have been keeping detailed notes based on a rating system that you conceived which rates each day based on a comprehensive scoring system. Best day ever, huh? What about Christmas? That's right, Jesus' birthday. I bet that was a pretty great day. I've read stories about it. What about Super Bowl I? First Super Bowl ever. I guarantee that was an exciting day. But no, you're claiming that today of all of the days is the best day ever. You're going to go ahead and lay claim to that extraordinarily bold analysis. Best day ever? Why, because you went to Six Flags, got a giant bag of kettle corn bigger than a ten year old, and won a giant stuffed panda? Yeah, you must be right. Best day ever.

Wait Until You Hear the WHOLE Story

2014-02-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

It's odd how our acceptance of people's actions can be so influenced by our understanding of the circumstances. If you're a guy and you tell someone that the night before you were naked in a room with ten other naked guys, you'll be judged based on the belief that you were undoubtedly involved in an all dude orgy. But if you tell that person that you were at the gym changing before working out, all of a sudden everything is ok.

It's a chart, so it must be fact.

2013-12-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

*Figures based on scientific data

Is That Even Possible?

2013-11-22T12:40:00.000-05:00

My goldfish died and the coroner's autopsy said the cause was dehydration. I'm seeking a second opinion.

What is this half of?

2013-11-18T12:28:00.000-05:00

Half-and-Half has never really been clear about what it's half and half of.

I'm Gonna Watch a Little TV

2013-11-08T11:53:00.000-05:00

"I'm Gonna Watch a Little TV"

Sometimes we use "size" terms to describe what we mean in "time" units. To the literal observer, this can be confusing.

Breaking the Law. What a Rush!

2013-09-17T09:42:00.001-04:00

The man is always trying to keep us down...I'm just trying to live.

Butter Flies

2013-07-23T21:03:00.000-04:00

*Not quite as majestic as the traditional version.

Sometimes You Need to Clarify Your Question.

2013-06-28T15:34:00.003-04:00

Look at that Berg!

2013-05-30T19:48:00.002-04:00

Are icebergs all Jewish?

Bad Dresser!

2013-05-17T23:23:00.002-04:00

The Market's Just Not There

2013-05-11T18:58:00.000-04:00

I bet it's tough to be a corduroy pants salesman in Ecuador.

Your Doors are too SLOW!!!

2013-05-09T09:15:00.001-04:00

When I'm going into a store, I like to run as fast as I can at the automatic doors. Then I go and complain to the manager.

It's Not Really ALL Good...

2013-05-09T08:36:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people use generic terms that they don't really mean without really thinking. Like, "It's all good". Is it really ALL good? This is usually used as a reply to someone who is giving you bad news so you don't feel bad.

Friend: "Hey man, I accidentally set your car on fire."

You : "It's all good"

Friend: "Really?"

You: "No."

Identity Complex

2013-05-06T17:32:00.002-04:00

A half-bathroom doesn't contain a bath and is therefore inappropriately named. It should be called a sink-toilet room.

Thanks for the Gas!

2013-05-06T17:04:00.001-04:00

Depending on the gift, this "Thank You" could be either sincere or extremely sarcastic...

SideWALK

2013-05-04T22:38:00.001-04:00

I was running down the sidewalk the other day and I ran into a woman who was standing on the sidewalk.We both fell to the ground and when we got up, we looked at each other, both ready to blame the other. Then we thought about the purpose of the premises and realized we were both wrong...

A Bunch of Boxes

2013-05-03T19:10:00.000-04:00

When you really stop and think about it, life is really just a bunch of boxes...

It Sounds Similar...But It's Very Different

2013-05-02T22:23:00.001-04:00

*Not the same

Nothing to Joke About

2013-04-14T20:09:00.001-04:00

You think high-fiving is fun? It's not. It's dangerous!

Employees Only

2013-03-28T20:47:00.000-04:00

I was walking around town the other day and had a sudden, extreme urge to use the bathroom. I went into a convenience store and asked to use the bathroom and was told it was for employees only, so I asked for an application.

Wait...What's a Piece of Cake?

2013-03-15T22:01:00.001-04:00

If you're a college professor out at a restaurant, and you're having dessert, and you are approached by one of your students who ask you, "Excuse me professor, is the exam tomorrow difficult?" and before you can reply, she also points at your plate and asks, "Oh, that looks good, what is that you're eating?" you have the potential to answer both questions with one response.

Sometimes One Word Makes All The Difference

2012-10-09T23:53:00.001-04:00

*CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE

You Know You Want To...Don't Deny It

2012-10-06T19:36:00.002-04:00

*Rumor has it the title of his album "Believe" was

actually in reference to this very dream (below)

If I was Justin Bieber, once a year I'd have all of my money converted into gold coins and fill a room in my house with them. The room would have a ladder going up the wall to a diving board about ten feet high. Then I'd climb up the ladder and dive into my gold coin fortune like Scrooge McDuck. The only downfall of this plan would be that, as it would turn out, since I was a human being and not a rich cartoon duck, I'd probably end up breaking my neck and have to cancel my upcoming tours, hence reducing the amount of money I had. But I think the inconvenience of the aforementioned hospitalization would be worth the pleasure of the fairy tale experience.

By the way, if you don't know who Scrooge McDuck is, I'm sorry for your deprived childhood.