Headline Limericks

Long Beach Man Caught Smuggling Meth Disguised As Snickers Bars

2012-07-31T11:21:00.002-07:00

Mr. Harris will face a long trial
His Snickers made nobody smile.
Smuggling meth to Japan?
Something tells me this man
Is not going anywhere for awhile.

Best line from the article: "There was no tasty nougat, caramel, or peanuts to be found anywhere."

Obama Flip Flops Stance On Negative Ads

2012-07-30T10:15:00.001-07:00

"I will not run on negative ads,"
Barry swore. Then came oodles and scads
Of these mudslinging claims.
Guess the President's aims
At the high road were just short-lived fads.

Obama changes mind on "good-guy" campaign tactics

What happened to this?

Justin Bieber Pulled Over For Speeding

2012-07-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

Justin Bieber, slow down little guy!
That speed you were going - too high.
Who'd you think you'd outrun
Flyin' down 101?
Paparazzi? Recall Princess Di?

L.A. City councilman Dennis Zine says he witnessed Bieber driving at speeds in excess of 100 mph on Freeway 101.

Television Icon Andy Griffith Dead at 86

2012-07-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

A sheriff, a lawyer, and singer;
The memories of Andy will linger.
Hollyweird was outclassed
By the recently passed.
Not bad for a lib'ral left-winger.

Class act all the way around. So long Andy Griffith. :(

Obama to Eurozone: Get Your Debt Under Control

2012-06-25T13:52:00.001-07:00

He tells Europe to shore up their debt?
That's the cockiest thing he's said yet!
Let's give thought and ligation
To our own situation,
Lest the plank in our eye we forget.

Obama tells Europe to watch spending, Germany finds it ironic...

Ultimate in Tackiness: Obama WantsYour Wedding Presents

2012-06-22T13:59:00.001-07:00

An event coming up, like a wedding?
Forward all of those gifts you'll be getting
To Obama's campaign,
Help out Barry Hussein.
(Or would that be aid and abetting?)

I'm not making this up. Obama's reelection website is seriously asking you to tell friends and relatives to send their money to him, in lieu of wedding gifts!

Man Attacked By Angry Mob of Leprechauns

2012-06-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

He was bruised on his face and his arms
By a leprechaun mob. This alarms
Me to see such a crime.
Bet you that's the last time
That he'll try to steal their lucky charms.

Seattle man hospitalized after leprechaun attack...

Forest Boy Is Found Out: Claims Of Living Wild Are Debunked

2012-06-15T10:00:00.001-07:00

The "Forest Boy" (aka Ray),
Who had claimed he'd lived five years away
From civilization,
Was all fabrication:
His name's Robin, we found out today.

17 year old Ray, is actually 20 year old Robin. Family reported missing 9 months ago. Berlin Police: He never went anywhere near the forest...

Big Brother Bloomberg Battling the Bulge By Banning Biggie-Sized Beverages

2012-05-31T09:10:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to the NYC folks,
There's a cap on the size of your cokes.
Mayor Bloomberg's endeavor
Is healthy, however,
You can still buy a carton of smokes.

NYC mayor proposes ban on the sale of large-size sugary drinks at restaurants, movie theaters, sport arenas, and street carts...

Now That's a REAL Golf Hazard

2012-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's -- a door?
Can I take that last putt off my score?
True, I missed it wide right
But that noise ... impolite!
Hey pilot, you should have yelled 'FORE'!

Plane door lands on Florida golf course...

Facebook Stock Shares Plunge

2012-05-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

IPO price to start: thirty-eight,
Then it rose seven bucks! Oh, but wait...
It lost eighteen percent.
Hear the buyer's lament:
We will stop clicking 'like' and click 'hate'.

Did people pay too much to own a piece of the world's largest social networking site?

Will Obama Be On Arizona's Ballot?

2012-05-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

Arizona is wondering, shall it
Dispute Barry's birthplace locale? It
Is up to Hawaii
To prove, that is why we
Aren't sure if he'll be on the ballot.

AZ Secretary of State asks Hawaii to verify Obama's birth certificate....

Ambulances Are Being Ripped-Off For Their Meds

2012-05-16T20:12:00.001-07:00

When they're not brewin' hootch in their stills
Some Virginians steal downers for thrills,
Rescue vehicles store
Versed, morphine, and more...
This is stressing me out; Where's my pills?

Drugs stolen from Spotsyvania County ambulances

Canadians Confused Concerning Controversial Currency

2012-05-10T09:54:00.001-07:00

It looks like the Queen's in a tree.
Is that the Twin Towers I see?
Hey Canadian friends,
If this new bill offends,
You can send all your twenties to me.

The new Canadian $20 bill has some Canadians asking, "Is that the best we could come up with?"

Barack Obama Jokes About Eating Dog

2012-05-02T09:05:00.001-07:00

The canine was food for Barack
Back when Barry was young, to our shock.
So he feasted on pup?
Yeah... that's pretty messed up.
Bet he said, "Tastes like chicken, bock-bock!"

Media types laugh as Obama makes dog-eating quips

Supreme Court Says: Whatchu Talkin' About, Barack?

2012-04-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

Mister Obama, now see here,
There's a right and a wrong way to be here.
There are laws, my dear POTUS,
You don't seem to notice,
At least that's the message that we hear.

Supreme Court Justice Roberts questions whether Obama Administration even cares who is here illegally...

British Name George Washington Britain's Greatest Foe Ever

2012-04-16T15:30:00.001-07:00

Public Enemy, who's number one?
Ask the British; They'll tell you that none
Was a much bigger bother
Than one Founding Father:
George Washington - Run, British, run!

George Washington's infamy is greater than that of Michael Collins, Napoleon Bonaparte, Erwin Rommel, and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk.

Hilary Rosen Says Ann Romney Has Never Worked A Day In Her Life

2012-04-12T14:45:00.001-07:00

Hilary Rosen: Doesn't think raising

kids is work

She says Ann hasn't worked in her life?
Goes to show that Ms. Rosen is rife
With stale beans in her head.
She should honor instead
Being both five kids' mom and a wife!

Who says taking care of five kids isn't "work"? Hilary Rosen, that's who...

Ozzie Guillen Suspended Five Games For Castro Remark

2012-04-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

He loves Castro? He couldn't have meant it.
It's a misquote; They missed his intent. It
Was spoken in Spanish,
Now the league wants to banish
Poor Ozzie, who'll sadly lament it.

Ozzie Guillen claims his comment was mistranslated from Spanish...

Other crazy things Guillen has said...

Police Go Undercover...As Bunnies!

2012-04-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

To endanger your life isn't funny.
It can cost you your life, limbs and money.
Should you choose to ignore
The seat belt laws, you're
Gonna have to beware of the bunny.

Seat belt citations handed out by giant bunny rabbits...

AT&T Unions To Strike On Sunday If Settlement Not Reached

2012-04-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Is the strike on for AT&T?
Will both corporate and union agree?
Will they come to the table?
Will I still be able
To call you? Guess Sunday we'll see.

Thousands of AT&T employees and contractors face work stoppage as strike looms...

Management takes "Contingency Planning" to keep the company functioning...

Lucky Man Finds a Picasso at Thrift Store

2012-04-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

An Ohio man luckily plucks
A Picasso for just fourteen bucks
From the thrift store downtown.
It is ugly and brown.
The unwitting store owner cries, "Shucks!"

Autographed artist's proof could be worth $6000.

CBS Misses Last Play of Final Four Game

2012-04-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

The replay is useful - yeah but...
In the final two seconds don't cut
Away from live action
To replay an infraction,
Leaving millions of fans saying, "What?"

CBS blows the call on the final play of NCAA semifinals. Game ends while a replay was being shown.

Man Survives Cougar Attack - Saved By A Bear!

2012-03-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

Robert Biggs, who was out for a walk,
Saw some bears so he stopped there to gawk.
A cat pounced from behind!
Mama Bear, being kind,
Smacked the lion, while Biggs watched in shock!

Man lucky to escape with only bruises and scratches...

Lions and hikers and bears, oh my!

Jane Fonda Miscast as Nancy Reagan

2012-03-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

Hanoi Jane is low rent, like a stripper.
As a pal, I'd prefer Jack the Ripper.
So my feelings are strong
That I think that it's wrong
That they'd cast her to play Mrs. Gipper.

Although, I guess with movies you have to allow for some suspension of disbelief...