Healing from Affairs

A thought about forgiveness

2014-11-03T09:53:00.001-08:00

The person who benefits most from forgiveness is the person who forgives.

Top 10 Worst Pieces of Advice About Affairs

2014-08-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

1.You should never give the details of the affair. It will only make things worse.
It is important to ask and answer all of the important questions. Reveal the secrets.

2.Forget about asking your spouse to forgive you. It will never happen.
We often find that the folks who have the hardest time with forgiveness are the one who have the affair. After time, they can not understand how or why they did what they did.
Most spouses do forgive. Others learn to accept and move on and learn to appreciate the goodness in their relationship.

3.After talking about it once, that should be enough. No need to keep opening up old wounds.
You generally have to talk about it until the one who was betrayed feels that they have been heard and understood. A good therapist can help a couple establish guidelines for when and how to talk about it.

4.Affairs only happen in bad marriages.
Affairs can happen in the best of marriages. Affairs can make good marriages go bad.

5.Only “bad” people have affairs.
Good people in good marriages can be susceptible to an affair. Affairs can “creep up” on healthy people in healthy relationships.

6.When you find your soul mate, even if it is not the one you are married to, you should “go for it”.
Not counting those affairs that involve mainly hormones and sexual attraction, it is entirely possible to be in love with more than one person at a time.

7.Having more sex will affair-proof a marriage.
Many affairs are not primarily about sex. They can be about many different reasons from emotional connections to a mid-life crisis to feeling acknowledged and accepted.

8.Once someone has had an affair, they can never be trusted again.
As we have said, even good people in good marriages can have an affair. Amends can be made. Trust can be rebuilt. Forgiveness can happen.

9.You should get a divorce.
One of the worst pieces of advice we have heard about affairs is that once someone has cheated, you should divorce them. Many, many marriages are able to heal and become even healthier than before after an affair has happened.

10.An emotional affair is not at all as bad as a sexual affair. People of the opposite sex can be friends and share secrets and private information and it should be okay.

Sharing secrets and private information with another nice person is often how affairs begin … innocently and quietly. Caution is crucial in relationships with other potential partners.

Unless you have been in a situation, you never know what is really happening. Make your own decisions about your marriage and recovering from an affair based upon what you and your spouse and a competent therapist help you to decide.

Healing-from-Affairs.com
CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com

Tip of the Week

2013-12-03T11:23:00.002-08:00

When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff.
Pat Love
While it is important to not "sweep things under the rug", it is also very important to not allow the affair to be the major focus of your conversation.

Focus on the friendship as part of the recovery

2013-11-05T14:10:00.002-08:00

When recovering from an affair, you have to heal the relationship as well as to recover from the betrayal. Find time to focus on renewing the friendship. It will make the hard work of the recovery much easier.

Tip of the Week

2013-07-02T12:34:00.002-07:00

People don’t just fall out of love in a marriage. If love dies, it is because they did not make their marriage a priority.

Tip of the Week

2013-06-19T12:49:00.001-07:00

Never draw a line in your relationship because you may then be trapped into taking a step that you really do not want to take. Allow yourself time to calm down, process and talk out loud a lot about your concern before taking any action.

How long must the conversation go on!?!

2013-01-15T12:59:00.001-08:00

Last week I met with several new couples who are in the beginning stages of recovery from an affair. There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have lots to talk about.”

So .. The question for the therapist is often “how long DO you have to talk about the affair”?

The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally her are some guidelines:

* Talk about it until all of the “Who, what, when and where questions” have been answered.

* Talk about it until the hurt person feels like their spouse has a full understanding of how hurt, disappointed and angry they are.

* Talk about it until a sincere and honest apology has occurred and been acknowledged.

* Talk about it when the hurt partner needs to for the first few days. After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to recover.

Punishment is not the goal, recovery is most important.

Affairs Develop Because of Opportunity

2012-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

Studies on infidelity show that the vast number of those having an affair met their partners at work. More women are in the work force and, as they are able to earn more, they are less dependent on their husbands. This independence translates into making more independent choices which can lead to infidelity.

A recent study noted that, while problems in a marriage are high in cases of infidelity, a full two-thirds of them developed as a result of the changes in the relationship brought about by the affair.

More and more people are not planning affairs, rather they seem to occur as friendships develop and boundaries blur. Many experts agree that the biggest predictor of affairs is opportunity.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville.

2012-08-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sharing the basic details of an affair, the "who", "what", "when" and "where" is more protective of a spouse than keeping those details from them..

Can I Ever Forgive Myself for the Damage I Have Done

2012-07-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Often when we see couples affected by an affair, it is the person who had the affair who has the hardest time with forgiveness.

Smart people do dumb, inconsiderate and painful things to another person and affairs have ways of luring even the smartest people into acting in ways that they never thought were possible.

When people get their normal thinking ability back, they often wonder how they could have made the choices and decisions that they did and find it hard to forgive themselves for acting so irrationally and destructively to their marriage and their spouse.

This may not be the first emotion to surface. Sometimes it is much later in the process as those who have affairs may spend a lot of energy defending their actions and blaming their spouse for the affair. Nevertheless, when they really work hard on themselves and their marriage, then reality settles in and the effect that their behavior has had on their spouse becomes more prevalent.

Do Bad Marriages Cause Affairs?

2012-04-16T07:34:00.002-07:00

“My wife is more invested in her family than me. She is always on the phone with her mother or sister. She tells them our business. We have no privacy. If they want something, she is there. The same is not true for me. I needed someone who cared about ME.”

“My husband is always angry. His doctor said he is depressed but he will not do anything about it. He just works, golfs and drinks. I needed some relief.”

Do affairs ever happen in GOOD marriages?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

People have affairs for many different reasons.

Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.

Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.

Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.

Affairs can happen even in good marriages.
Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared.

Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.

Those who have multiple affairs are different.

Multiple affairs usually happen for different reasons.
Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.

In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.

Can I Ever Forgive My Spouse?

2012-03-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Your spouse may have a harder time forgiving himself or herself than you do forgiving your partner.

Unless your partner is someone who has had serial affairs, the guilt usually catches up with them. It is our experience that when someone really gets to the place of understanding and accepting the fact that they have had an affair, they often feel shame and embarrassment.

It is easier to forgive a betraying spouse when he or she has accepted full responsibility for the affair and worked on ways to make amends and build trust. Even if that never happens, however, many find that they truly forgive for themselves and their own mental health.

If you would like to find a way to forgive your partner, we can help you through that process through in person or online counseling or coaching.

Contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com or CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com.

Tip of the Week

2011-11-21T14:31:00.001-08:00

This week of Thanksgiving, take the time to sincerely and truly thank those in your life. Be specific about what you are giving thanks for … and , if possible, give them an example of how that characteristic operates in your lives together.

Some examples are: “I am so thankful that you are my friend. You are always there for me. Last month, when I was feeling overwhelmed, you appeared with a pot of soup and said that you did it … just because.” “I am so thankful that you are my spouse. Your sense of humor and playfulness really brings joy to my life. I especially like the silly notes that you leave on my bathroom mirror. You just bring a smile to my lips .. even early in the morning!” “I am so thankful that you are my child. Your hugs and kisses make me feel loved … and I will never get tired of them.”

8. Don’t give up. Recognize that marriage takes work.

2011-11-18T06:29:00.001-08:00

Changes take time. Changing feelings usually takes longer than changing actions and thoughts. Hang in there and look for ways to be patient, positive and calm. Don't expect perfection. Accept the imperfection and focus on all of the good in the relationship. Conclusion Making your marriage affair-proof is well worth the time and effort. It does require time and attention to your relationship but the efforts are well worth it with the security that comes from knowing you are in a committed relationship.

7. Try new and different things.

2011-10-27T14:10:00.001-07:00

One way to keep a relationship interesting is to experience new things together. One research study noted that new experiences raises the level of serotonin in the brain in the same way that an affair does (although not necessarily to the same level). Keep your relationship diverse and interesting. Look for new restaurants, movies and activities that are different and even a stretch for you and your partner.

6. Be positive and focus on the good.

2011-10-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

No one is perfect. We can all find something to be disappointed about with our partner and our relationship. Staying focused on the negative; however, only erodes feelings of good will. It is much easier to cheat on someone you are upset with than it is someone that you really like and respect. If you find yourself thinking about the negative, stop that thought. Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about the issue or do you need to let it go? Think about good things about him or her and find ways to appreciate the good in your relationship.

5. Talk openly about sex.

2011-10-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

While affairs are rarely just about sex, often, they may be about a need or a desire to have an active sex life … or sometimes just to be touched and held. If you are unhappy with your intimate life, talk with your partner (and not with someone else) about it.

Read more of our articles about healing from an affair on our website, Healing From Affairs.

4. Talk openly about attractions to and from others.

2011-10-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here is a tip that might seem like the absolutely worst thing to do; however, it is important. Don't keep secrets!

There are a lot of interesting and attractive people in this world. Some of those people might be ones that you see on a regular basis at work, in groups or in the neighborhood. Share your notice of these others with your spouse. Don’t keep it a secret. Talk together about how you might deal with that interest effectively.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Suggestion # 3

2011-10-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

3. Don’t let hurts or disappointments build. Talk openly about what you want and need from your partner.

Holding on to things that bother you can only build up and cause unhappiness in your marriage. This provides fertile ground for noticing others, especially those who might be available or interested in listening to your complaints.

Be open with your partner in calm, direct and loving ways. Present your concerns in ways that allow for discussion and problem-solving.

Tip of the Week

2011-09-26T07:56:00.001-07:00

Even though you are hurt, angry, suspicious, continue to be positive and loving.

Repair, repair, repair … any damage to your relationship while having a disagreement. Winning the argument is much less important than maintaining the friendship. Look for ways to let your partner know that you love him or her, even if you disagree with them. Find ways to use humor, loving comments and positivity while having an argument or disagreeing.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Suggestion # 2

2011-09-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

2. Limit your contact with people that you might find attractive.

We are all capable of becoming attracted to many different people. There are a lot of nice, interesting and attractive people in this world!

If you find someone of the opposite sex that might fit that description, steer clear unless your spouse is around. If this person might be a co-worker or someone that you might see on your own, limit your contact to work or professional conversations. Be very careful about sharing personal stories or information.

It is amazingly easy for a simple friendship to develop into something much more important.

Tip of the Week

2011-09-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Try not to spend too much time thinking about how hurt you are and how wrong that all of this has been. Focus instead, more on yourself and what you need to do to get to a good place in your life.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

2011-08-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

There are many ways that faithful couples go about affair-proofing their marriage. In the next few blog entries, we will discuss some of them. We would be interested in your ideas as well. Please share them here with us.

What have you learned about making marriages work? What do you know that you want to do even more to make sure that an affair never happens in your marriage … or never happens again.

1. Start with the attitude of being certain that you will not stray.

Begin with the belief that you will guard against any relationship with another person that could lead to an affair, either an emotional one or a sexual affair.

Recognize that there are many people who are attractive and might be quite attractive to or attracted by you. That is human nature.

In order to affair-proof your marriage, shake hands with this idea but also make sure that the door is not open to exploring or taking it any further than noticing it … because you KNOW that you will not follow up on any thing outside of your marriage.

Can You Be In Love With More Than One Person?

2011-08-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, you can. That old song “Torn Between Two Lovers” may seem smarmy; however, it also can be very real.

The love that you feel for each person may be different. No love “feels” as good as new an secretive love. Your brain chemistry changes and produces feelings of near euphoria.

Affairs can feel like real love. They may or may not be real love. Long-term love can also be very real and feel stable and secure.

We would be interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences about being in love with two people at the same time.

Interested in reading more of our articles about affairs? Click here to check out our website, Healing-from-Affairs.com.

How Can My Spouse End Contact with the Affair Partner When They Work Together?

2011-07-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

How can my spouse end contact with the affair partner when they work together?

It is hard to have a clean break from an affair partner when there is continued contact. If the affair partner was a co-worker, we often recommend that those who have affairs, consider looking for another job or ask for a transfer to another unit or shift.

There are times when that is not possible, especially in today’s economy when jobs are often hard to get. If that is the case we recommend a few ways to build trust when there may be contact.

1. Avoid any contact possible. Be clear with the affair partner, with the spouse’s knowledge, that you are purposely avoiding them and will not engage in any conversation that is not crucial for the job.

2. If there is or will be any contact, immediately let your spouse know. Share any details requested about the nature of the contact. The trust has to be rebuilt. Secrets do not help rebuild trust. Leaving things out constitute a secret.

3. Consider an accountability partner at work. This can be someone who has been informed about the affair, is trusted by both spouses, and is willing to answer questions from the hurt partner about any contact between their spouse and the affairee.

4. Be open about any email, phone or other contact. If possible, make calls in front of the spouse and copy him or her on any email.

We would be interested in any ideas or suggestions that you might have about how to build trust when affair partners continue to work together.

Want a personal consultation about your relationship? We provide counseling live and online. Click here to find out more from our website, Counseling Relationships Online.