Healing from Affairs

Tip of the Week

2011-11-21T14:31:00.001-08:00

This week of Thanksgiving, take the time to sincerely and truly thank those in your life. Be specific about what you are giving thanks for … and , if possible, give them an example of how that characteristic operates in your lives together.

Some examples are: “I am so thankful that you are my friend. You are always there for me. Last month, when I was feeling overwhelmed, you appeared with a pot of soup and said that you did it … just because.” “I am so thankful that you are my spouse. Your sense of humor and playfulness really brings joy to my life. I especially like the silly notes that you leave on my bathroom mirror. You just bring a smile to my lips .. even early in the morning!” “I am so thankful that you are my child. Your hugs and kisses make me feel loved … and I will never get tired of them.”

8. Don’t give up. Recognize that marriage takes work.

2011-11-18T06:29:00.001-08:00

Changes take time. Changing feelings usually takes longer than changing actions and thoughts. Hang in there and look for ways to be patient, positive and calm. Don't expect perfection. Accept the imperfection and focus on all of the good in the relationship. Conclusion Making your marriage affair-proof is well worth the time and effort. It does require time and attention to your relationship but the efforts are well worth it with the security that comes from knowing you are in a committed relationship.

7. Try new and different things.

2011-10-27T14:10:00.001-07:00

One way to keep a relationship interesting is to experience new things together. One research study noted that new experiences raises the level of serotonin in the brain in the same way that an affair does (although not necessarily to the same level). Keep your relationship diverse and interesting. Look for new restaurants, movies and activities that are different and even a stretch for you and your partner.

6. Be positive and focus on the good.

2011-10-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

No one is perfect. We can all find something to be disappointed about with our partner and our relationship. Staying focused on the negative; however, only erodes feelings of good will. It is much easier to cheat on someone you are upset with than it is someone that you really like and respect. If you find yourself thinking about the negative, stop that thought. Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about the issue or do you need to let it go? Think about good things about him or her and find ways to appreciate the good in your relationship.

5. Talk openly about sex.

2011-10-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

While affairs are rarely just about sex, often, they may be about a need or a desire to have an active sex life … or sometimes just to be touched and held. If you are unhappy with your intimate life, talk with your partner (and not with someone else) about it.

Read more of our articles about healing from an affair on our website, Healing From Affairs.

4. Talk openly about attractions to and from others.

2011-10-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here is a tip that might seem like the absolutely worst thing to do; however, it is important. Don't keep secrets!

There are a lot of interesting and attractive people in this world. Some of those people might be ones that you see on a regular basis at work, in groups or in the neighborhood. Share your notice of these others with your spouse. Don’t keep it a secret. Talk together about how you might deal with that interest effectively.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Suggestion # 3

2011-10-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

3. Don’t let hurts or disappointments build. Talk openly about what you want and need from your partner.

Holding on to things that bother you can only build up and cause unhappiness in your marriage. This provides fertile ground for noticing others, especially those who might be available or interested in listening to your complaints.

Be open with your partner in calm, direct and loving ways. Present your concerns in ways that allow for discussion and problem-solving.

Tip of the Week

2011-09-26T07:56:00.001-07:00

Even though you are hurt, angry, suspicious, continue to be positive and loving.

Repair, repair, repair … any damage to your relationship while having a disagreement. Winning the argument is much less important than maintaining the friendship. Look for ways to let your partner know that you love him or her, even if you disagree with them. Find ways to use humor, loving comments and positivity while having an argument or disagreeing.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Suggestion # 2

2011-09-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

2. Limit your contact with people that you might find attractive.

We are all capable of becoming attracted to many different people. There are a lot of nice, interesting and attractive people in this world!

If you find someone of the opposite sex that might fit that description, steer clear unless your spouse is around. If this person might be a co-worker or someone that you might see on your own, limit your contact to work or professional conversations. Be very careful about sharing personal stories or information.

It is amazingly easy for a simple friendship to develop into something much more important.

Tip of the Week

2011-09-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Try not to spend too much time thinking about how hurt you are and how wrong that all of this has been. Focus instead, more on yourself and what you need to do to get to a good place in your life.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

2011-08-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

There are many ways that faithful couples go about affair-proofing their marriage. In the next few blog entries, we will discuss some of them. We would be interested in your ideas as well. Please share them here with us.

What have you learned about making marriages work? What do you know that you want to do even more to make sure that an affair never happens in your marriage … or never happens again.

1. Start with the attitude of being certain that you will not stray.

Begin with the belief that you will guard against any relationship with another person that could lead to an affair, either an emotional one or a sexual affair.

Recognize that there are many people who are attractive and might be quite attractive to or attracted by you. That is human nature.

In order to affair-proof your marriage, shake hands with this idea but also make sure that the door is not open to exploring or taking it any further than noticing it … because you KNOW that you will not follow up on any thing outside of your marriage.

Can You Be In Love With More Than One Person?

2011-08-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, you can. That old song “Torn Between Two Lovers” may seem smarmy; however, it also can be very real.

The love that you feel for each person may be different. No love “feels” as good as new an secretive love. Your brain chemistry changes and produces feelings of near euphoria.

Affairs can feel like real love. They may or may not be real love. Long-term love can also be very real and feel stable and secure.

We would be interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences about being in love with two people at the same time.

Interested in reading more of our articles about affairs? Click here to check out our website, Healing-from-Affairs.com.

How Can My Spouse End Contact with the Affair Partner When They Work Together?

2011-07-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

How can my spouse end contact with the affair partner when they work together?

It is hard to have a clean break from an affair partner when there is continued contact. If the affair partner was a co-worker, we often recommend that those who have affairs, consider looking for another job or ask for a transfer to another unit or shift.

There are times when that is not possible, especially in today’s economy when jobs are often hard to get. If that is the case we recommend a few ways to build trust when there may be contact.

1. Avoid any contact possible. Be clear with the affair partner, with the spouse’s knowledge, that you are purposely avoiding them and will not engage in any conversation that is not crucial for the job.

2. If there is or will be any contact, immediately let your spouse know. Share any details requested about the nature of the contact. The trust has to be rebuilt. Secrets do not help rebuild trust. Leaving things out constitute a secret.

3. Consider an accountability partner at work. This can be someone who has been informed about the affair, is trusted by both spouses, and is willing to answer questions from the hurt partner about any contact between their spouse and the affairee.

4. Be open about any email, phone or other contact. If possible, make calls in front of the spouse and copy him or her on any email.

We would be interested in any ideas or suggestions that you might have about how to build trust when affair partners continue to work together.

Want a personal consultation about your relationship? We provide counseling live and online. Click here to find out more from our website, Counseling Relationships Online.

Tip of the Week

2011-06-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not facts.

What Does “Full Disclosure” Mean?

2011-06-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Couples often have different ideas about what kind of information needs to be disclosed after an affair has been uncovered. Different therapists may have different ideas; however, we believe that full disclosure, after an affair, is in order. There is no other way to build trust if secrets remain.

Full disclosure means answering basic questions of “who, what, when and where” regarding the affair. It does not mean specific details of sexual experiences but does mean that details about frequency and meeting places during the affair are revealed.

Spouses who have been unfaithful usually do not want to talk about the details and those who have been on the “betrayed” end of the affair, often feel a need to have too much information. (For some, however, it may be that they don’t want to know details and this can be a problem as well.)

My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?

2011-06-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

My wife left me for another man. Will she ever come back again?

The odds of an affair ending in a marriage are slim. One research study noted that only 10% of affairs lead to a successful marriage, so, the odds are in your favor. Especially if your marriage was in a fairly steady state before the affair began.

When people have affairs, they generally re-write the story of the marriage. For a while, those having an affair only think about the negative aspects of their spouse and their marriage. The intense reaction of excitement and euphoria that comes from this new relationship also leads to a belief in the “one true love” of their affair partner.

With time, peace and patience, healthy thinking and good judgment often returns.

For now, work on yourself. Talk with a professional, read self-help books about healthy marriages and being a healthy partner. Give your wife space … as hard as that seems to be. If you have children, stay connected with them in stable, loving ways. (Do NOT talk with them about the affair or say bad things about their mother.) Develop friendships with other men and couples. Learn a new hobby or return to ones that brought you pleasure in the past.

Would you like some coaching or help from a professional counselor who has helped many couples survive and heal from affairs? We are available in person or online. Click this link for our online counseling site, Counseling Relationships Online. Find out more about us and how we might work together.

Tip of the Week

2011-06-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

To learn from the past, spend more time dissecting successes than failures.

Tip of the Week

2011-05-30T12:47:00.001-07:00

Forgiveness is healthiest for the person who forgives.

Do Marriages Ever Make it After an Affair?

2011-05-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Many marriages do recover from an affair. The main difference for those that do recover is a desire to find a way to work through it and a commitment on the part of both partners to do what they need to do to make it work.

In couples who have experienced an affair, it may be quite difficult to walk the path through the “yuck” and out again. Often it is back and forth and in and out of easier and harder times.

Ending affairs are rarely easy and often they go through several “endings” before they are truly over.

Letting go of the hurt, anger and resentment takes time and, again, hard work.

Forgiveness does not come easy. Often it is harder for the partner who had the affair to forgive him or herself than it is for the betrayed one.

Getting over loving feelings for the affaire’ and falling back in love with a spouse may also take some time.

The commitment, desire and motivation to work together is an important factor that encourages spouses to hang in and solve the problems related to or caused by the affair.

One research study noted that 70% of couples who had that desire and commitment reported recovery from the aftermath and were satisfied that they made the decision to remain in the marriage.

Tip of the Week

2011-05-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

What Does “Transparency” Mean When Healing from an Affair?

2011-04-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

Most therapists who are working with couples who have experienced infidelity will push the unfaithful party to be transparent with their behavior until trust has been redeveloped.

While to the “offending” party, this may very well seem intrusive and overwhelming, to the relationship it is crucial. It says to the hurt partner that “my life is an open book” and I will tell you everything that you want and need to know.

How to be transparent when healing an affair is best left up to the one who has had the affair as an effort to build trust. When the hurt partner is asking or checking, it is destructive for both and for the relationship.

Transparency means opening up cell phones and email, refraining from deleting any messages and sharing any chance or intended meetings with the affair partner. It means sharing agendas and plans and keeping the spouse informed of daily activities. It certainly can feel a burden; and yet, it is so crucial to building trust.

Tip of the Week

2011-04-24T14:36:00.001-07:00

People don’t just fall out of love in a marriage. If love dies, it is because they did not make their marriage a priority.

Why Is It So Hard To End An Affair?

2011-04-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Many affairs are hard to end because of feelings, emotions, proximity and “brain chemistry”.

Many affairs that have continued over time grew out of friendship. They may have started as neighbors, co-workers or longtime friendships and a spark was ignited as time together or certain experiences enhanced positive feelings for each other. Even after making the decision to end the affair, it may be hard because of caring, warm and loving feelings that seem to be very real.

Other emotions that may contribute to having difficulty ending an affair have to do with emotions such as appreciation, respect, excitement and companionship that tie people together. This is why affair recovery work involves understanding the impact of the affair and finding ways to find those emotions inside of the marriage.

Proximity can also make it hard to break off an affair. When living near or working with someone you are attracted to and have had a relationship with, it is hard to let go of memories and contact. (A clean break is always best.) While resolve to end the affair may be strong at first, it can easily weaken with ongoing contact.

Affairs, new experiences, actually involve a release of increased serotonin in the brain which brings about an increased sense of happiness and excitement. This change in brain chemistry is, in itself, seductive. Who would want to let go of that? When this change is linked to an affair partner, it is hard to give up the “drug” that provides an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

Tip of the Week

2011-04-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

If you have had an affair and want to save your marriage, you want to find ways to accept responsibility for the affair rather than blaming it on the problems in the marriage.

It Is Hard To Talk About the Details of the Affair and It Is Hard Not To Talk About the Details of the Affair

2011-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, is it better to talk about it or not?

The worst part of an affair is often the secrecy. Healing from an affair requires that there be openness, not secrets. In the long run, it is much better to talk about the basic details of the affair than to cover them up or smooth over them.

Talking about the basic details involves answering the questions of “who, what, when and where”. This does not mean details like the positions that were used. The partner who had the affair should answer the questions honestly. The other partner should only ask the questions that he or she is really ready to hear.

Denial, in the short run, often leads to an explosion in the long run and does not help a couple achieve the intimacy and connection that is imperative to prevent future affairs.

You have just read our opinion … professional therapists who have helped many couples through recovery from affairs. We would be interested in your thoughts and experiences. Please leave them in the comment section or head over to our forum on our Healing from Affairs website and share them on the message board.