Healthy... with a side of ranch

Why I Love my Neighborhood

2013-10-21T13:52:00.001-04:00

A while back, when I was training for my first 5k, I remember reading people's Facebook posts about how peaceful their morning runs were, and looking at their pictures of deer they passed. You know what I loved about my early morning runs? I loved that I could count on seeing the exact same homeless people pushing their carts down the streets at the same time every day, and that every day we would say hello to each other. I loved that even before the sun came up, people were out walking their dogs, hurrying to get home to get ready for work.

And today, I decided to go out and run again. (Well, "run" is a bit of an optimistic word, but I'll go with it). And I was reminded once again why I love my neighborhood.

1. Because this was my view today. And it's right down the street from my kids' school.

2. Because my husband goes to 7-eleven for snacks and comes home with food in Spanish packaging.

3. Because you can catch a contact high if you breathe deep enough when you take your kids to play in the woods behind your neighbor's house. (Ok, so this isn't exactly something I love, but whatevs, we've just learned to not walk too far in).

4. Because my children think nothing of sharing a seat at the ice cream shop because all of the seats are taken.

5. Because our neighbors leave us little surprise Halloween treats on our door step, so we get to take more pictures of ourselves.

So yes, while it's true that on a quiet summer night, we aren't quite sure if the noises we hear are fireworks or gun shots, we love this little space on the map that we get to call home. And that, my friends, is a very wonderful thing.

Morning rituals

2013-09-29T21:01:00.001-04:00

Some people have cute little things that they do with their kids every day. I have one girlfriend who wears matching bracelets with her kid on days when he's nervous. Other moms tell their kids they "love them to the moon and back", and post 85 Emily pictures of them on Facebook every day.

Here is what my kid and I do. Every. Single morning.

Yep. We take pictures of ourselves as mutated zombies. And half the time I'm biting his head. It's very endearing.

God I love that kid.

Have a healthy day,

Confession time

2013-09-09T14:11:00.001-04:00

1. I hate football. There, I said it. Yep. It's true- I can't stand football. I don't understand the rules, the games go on forever, and I hate not being able to see anyone through their helmets. If I'm going to cheer on a team, I need to see faces.

2. I'm sad that my chubby bubba is now in school every single day. And it makes me so irritated when I pick him up and all his teacher says is, "he's doing just fine. He had a good day". Mama wants details.

3. I like to eat massive amounts of chips. Preferably with French onion dip, but if none is available, plain chips straight out of the bag will do.

4. I miss my kids from school. But not enough to want to go back and teach them. Maybe just enough to meet them for lunch some day. But I love staying home.

5. The reason I'm most excited about fall is so that I can wear hoodies and jeans to hide my muffin top and cellulite. Oh, and because pumpkin spice lattes are back in style. Welcome home.

6. I want to run a 5k around Halloween but I hate running. I know that 3 miles is like nothing to a lot of people, but for me it's tough. I will definitely need to train for it and that will be the opposite of fun for me. But the feeling of accomplishment I will get when I finish will be worth it. Hopefully.

7. I despise the fact that the "I" and the "o" are right next to each other on the iPhone keyboard. I mean seriously- if I type "if" instead of "of" one more time I'm gonna lose my freaking mind.

8. I am scared of geese. I thought I was going to pass out when I walked out to my car this morning at the gym only to find about 25 geese just walking around it, making their gross little honking noises and loving life. Puke.

Phew, I feel so much better now.

Have a healthy day,

School Night

2013-08-27T23:38:00.001-04:00

It's late at night, I haven't updated this blog in forever, and I should be in bed right now.

But I'm putting off tomorrow for as long as I can. Because tomorrow is the first day of first grade. I think I'm gonna puke.

When did this kid get so old? Wait, does that mean that I'm old now, too???

He, of course, is beyond excited. We went in for open house the other night and he got to reunite with all of his friends. He's been asking me every day since then how many more days he has.

He woke up this morning and got his clothes, new sneakers, and back pack all ready. This afternoon, he got his hair cut at a real barber shop, and not the usual kids' place. After dinner he packed his own lunch, and now he's upstairs sleeping, just waiting for me to wake him up to tell him it's finally time to be a first grader.

My anxiety attack is already setting in. This is so crazy.

Oh mylanta this is insane.

If I'm like this with first grade, what the freak am I gonna do when we have to drop him off at college??!?!?!

Have a healthy day (and a great school year!)

The day the fish died

2013-08-12T14:13:00.001-04:00

We were all packed up and ready to go meet our friends at the spray park this morning when I walked over to turn off the tv. It was then that I noticed that the fish bowl was...wait for it... EMPTY.

I told the boys that Shinyorangefish was missing, and Pete immediately came over and stuck his entire arm in the bowl to move the plants around. No fish.

I thought for a second that Jerry had noticed him belly up and just flushed him without telling anyone, but then figured he probably would have at least gotten rid of the empty bowl of water.

Where the FREAK was the fish????

So at this point, the boys are pretty much freaking out (as am I, I mean, seriously where was he?!?) and Chubby was over in a corner trying to make himself cry. And then I found him.

On the floor. Behind the tv stand. Where he was grey and semi- fried looking.

Oh my GOD. The fish committed suicide.

So we said our goodbyes and flushed him. Pete started crying real tears and yelling at me for not putting him back in the bowl to see if he would "come back alive". Chubby wasn't sure whether or not we were supposed to pee on him since we put him in the potty. And then started crying real tears as well, complete with snot and declarations of how much he would be missed.

RIP Shinyorangefish. I surely hope your death wish had nothing to do with the identity crisis you must have had, seeing as how you weren't orange at all. Sorry for all those times we forgot to feed you.

Free to a good home

2013-08-02T15:21:00.001-04:00

Anyone want a 6-year-old for, say, the rest of the summer?

All you have to do is feed him cookies the size of his face,

Remind his coach that he bats left,

And give in after he begs you over and over and over and over to go to the playground to practice monkey bars.

And then do yourself a favor and buy yourself some ear plugs.

Because the second you bring him home from doing all of these fun things, he will insist that he's starving and needs a snack.

He will then say your name 57 thousand times in a row as he follows you around asking what you're going to do for the rest of the day. He will have something smart to say back when you tell him to go play his brother, who contrary to what he wants you to believe, he loves more than life itself.

He will probably attempt to roll his eyes at you at least once during the day. He may even stomp up the stairs at some point. You'll probably want to give him back before the day is done.

Sorry, no trade-backs.

But just when you're ready to lock yourself in your room and wish for a UFO to come take you away, he will want to climb up on your lap and remind you that you actually do like him.

Ugh, fine. I'll keep him.

But his days are seriously numbered.

There must be a sleep-away camp for 6-year-olds.

Have a healthy day. I'm going to force my kids to pretend they're napping.

Glamping wedding weekend

2013-08-02T15:01:00.001-04:00

I took the boys back to the zoo the other day. Last time we went, it was approximately 50 thousand degrees out, and I basically thought I was going to burst in to flames. What is it about the zoo that makes it the absolute hottest place on earth? Anyway, it was only 60 something out the other day, so we spent some more time there and it was tolerable.

And they only asked me for snacks 67 times instead of the usual 256, and told me they were sick of walking 17 as opposed to the expected 58. Trip to the zoo= win!!

And on another note, I am headed out of town before the sun comes up on a blissful (I mean, very lonely) 5-hour car trip by myself. My cousin is getting married at a glorified campsite in Massachusetts. Not sure if anyone knows this, but Mama doesn't camp. (Well, not very well at least). I'm praying it doesn't rain, even though it's thundering here right now. Because I will be rocking these beauties. And I ain't got no back up plan.

I'm not sure what I'm more excited about: driving for 5 hours with nothing except Sirius radio and my DD French vanilla iced coffee with double milk and 2 splendas, thankyouverymuch; or drinking too much and hanging with my cousins who I haven't seen in forever. Truth be told, the car ride has a slight edge up right now.

I feel like I never talk about my workouts any more, and that's kinda why I'm supposed to be writing all of this stuff down. ( but looking at pictures if my gaudy gold shoes and under painted toes is much more fun, right?). I taught a power body class this morning to a bunch of people who showed up expecting Body Pump. Thankfully they didn't walk out. And I'm teaching it again tonight to some die-hards who show up to the gym at 6:00 on a Friday night during the summer. Yep, two workouts for me today- wow, I am so fit. ;)

Have a healthy day, and pray that i don't contract Lyme disease out in the woods this weekend.

Happy Almost Weekend

2013-07-26T15:02:00.001-04:00

My kids have finally stopped acting like circus animals. Or maybe those pills I popped have finally kicked in. Either way, my days have finally started to become bearable again, and I no longer want someone to adopt the 6-year-old. (Not to say I wouldn't still jump for joy if someone offered to borrow him for a few days though, just sayin'). We even had a nice visit to the playground for a picnic with my 83-year-old aunt yesterday.

Until Pete climbed ON TOP of the humongous plastic dinosaur slide (it's not for climbing on. But an 8-year-old showed him how, so it's fine). He couldn't get down, so my sister had to climb up and try not to fall as she grabbed him.

Then Chub refused to listen to everyone telling him to stay away from the edge of the water, and literally almost fell off a boat dock into the canal. Probably a 4 foot drop into water with no ledge to climb out. And he can't swim. No big deal. I almost died.

And then my aunt told me that if he had fallen, I'd be calling an ambulance because she would be having a heart attack.

I didn't bother pointing out that the real reason I'd be calling an ambulance would be to help my drowning son. Some things are better left unsaid.

So we came home.

And today we got to play with a 10-week-old baby. The boys now need a sister, obviously.

Because I'm ridiculously good at handling the two kids I already have.

My uterus is crying.

Happy weekend!

Have a healthy day,

It's Friday,Friday,Friday

2013-07-19T15:55:00.001-04:00

Have you heard that song? It's written by some young teenage girl who's parents are determined to make her famous. One of the teachers at my old school used to play the video for his kids every week. Click in this link and see for yourself.

http://youtu.be/kfVsfOSbJY0

You're welcome.

In other news, the other night while putting the boys to bed, Husband told them to say goodnight to each other. Without skipping a beat, the little one yelled out with a little wave, "G'night, Pete", and turned to walk out. I thought J was gonna pee himself, and the kid's name will forever now be Pete. And he doesn't even care. He just responds by calling his brother Chub, and all is well in their world.

So anyway, Pete gave Chub a bloody nose yesterday. Of course, it happened while I was in the phone, which is obviously unacceptable in my house. They were fighting (play fighting? I don't really know) and Pete kicked Chub in the face.

Chub's reaction? He walked up to me with a face full of blood, waved, and said, "hi Mama". They then hugged it out, and he refused to each his face, insisting that the blood made him look so cool.

Have I mentioned that I love being a boy mom?!?

Here they are, right before the bloody face incident.

Happy Summery Friday!

Have a healthy day,

Holy Heat Wave

2013-07-17T16:13:00.001-04:00

It's hot as balls out there. OMG. But I seriously can't complain too much because I would much rather have it like this than snowing. Mama doesn't do snow.

But I DO do this pretty well:

This heat is just making me so friggin' lazy!

The boys and I went to the zoo for a little while yesterday morning. They have 2 brand new baby lions, but we didn't get to see them because by the time we walked all the way to the African exhibit, we felt like we were legit IN Africa. So we peaced outta there.

I did drag my booty to Zumba later that day and almost died. We hit up the spray park afterwards.

And now it's blazing hot again, for the fifth day in a row. I taught step this morning, which had the potential of bring completely disastrous. But don't worry- I rocked it, haha.

I'm teaching again tonight, and my legs basically feel like they're falling off right now. Yet somehow they have enough strength to keep walking to the bulk bag of chocolate chips that I was supposed to turn in to cookies...

And in other news, I got a sweet manicure:

You like?! 😉

Have a healthy day,

Mama got a spray tan

2013-07-16T13:09:00.001-04:00

Those of you who know me know that I am pale. Very pale. And living in a house of people who are way darker than I does nothing to help in this arena.

The other day, I decided I was sick of looking sick. Sitting out in the sun doesn't really do much except turn me in to a ball of freckles, (and I'm deathly afraid of skin cancer).

So I hit up the booth.

I asked on FB where I should go and how much I should pay. A bunch of people suggested getting airbrushed, but lesbehonest- my cellulite and I prefer privacy.

All I could think of was Ross from Friends when he gets spray tanned and ends up getting blasted in the face about 59 times and ends up orange.

But (as I'm sure you know, because I think everyone on the planet has sprayed themselves brown except me), I didn't turn orange. I freaking loved how it turned out!

I might even buy a monthly membership.

Is that frivolous?

But next time, I will purchase the feet stickers for $1. Cuz, you know, I'm kinda an idiot.

But at least I'm not a pale idiot.

Have a healthy day,

My kid eats ants

2013-07-11T09:41:00.001-04:00

There is nothing cute about it. Well, except my kid. He is cute.

Seriously. Here he is on his last day of kindergarten just a couple of weeks ago, looking fly and acting grown.

Also, WELL beyond the acceptable ant-eating age.

He did it a few weeks ago. Picked up an ant and put it on his tongue. It bit him (ants bite??) and he spit it out.

I thought it was over, and I thought wrong.

Last weekend while at my parents' house for a sleepover, they watched a movie about a kid who eats worms. They now challenge each other to eat all worms, both dead and alive, and put the challenge on my friend's innocent little boy a few days ago. And I honestly thought he was going to succumb to the pressure.

My kids are so gross.

This morning as I was frantically running around the house trying to get them to camp early in order to maximize my time away from them, (I mean that in the nicest sense possible), the little(r) one looks up at me and says, "mama, I just ate an ant. CJ told me to." I said, "CJ, quit telling your brother to do disgusting things." His response: "it's fine Mom, I did it too." Awesome.

I told them if they do it again, the ants will probably lay eggs in their stomachs and they will have to go to the hospital to get a bunch of baby ants sucked out. Was that bad?

I love being a boy mom.

Have a healthy day,

For real this time.

2013-07-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

Heeeyyyyy!!!! I'm back!!!!!! For real this time. I was planning in coming back when I had a witty comeback story to tell, but then nothing funny was happening. So then I decided that I would come back full force once summer started, and then that just didn't happen either. I'm actually not quite sure why I decided that today was the day, nor do I have any idea what I'm gonna write about.

I dropped the boys off at camp this morning, and went and got my toes did. Drop-off was a total shit show because the younger one wants nothing more than to climb back in to womb. I threw him, kicking and screaming, at one of the helpless teenagers, and sprinted outta there.

And you better believe that he's going back tomorrow. And he will have fun.

On another note, and yes, I fully realize that I am about to sound like a true suburban housewife, I have decided that I want nothing else in life than to become an extreme couponer. I mean, there are a lot of things that i would enjoy way more than an innate ability to buy 500 bottles of Gatorade for 10 cents, but watching my grocery bill drop by $35 last weekend gave me a weird urge to run out and buy some mom jeans and a minivan.

Psych.

But it was fun.

And I'm a nerd.

Have a healthy day,

J

Adorable Easterness

2013-04-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

We had such a great Easter, did you? It was actually nice out for once, so we all wore yellow without bulky coats covering it up. The boys woke up at 5:48 to see if the Easter Bunny had come and I basically wanted to kill myself.

Luckily, he had.

We were outside by 7 looking for eggs.

The Easter Bunny decided to hide eggs (aka throw them all over the front yard) for the very first time this year. It sounded like such a fun idea. Little did we know that between 9 at night and 7 the next morning, the squirrels would get in to ALL of them. (Even ones with coins for the Disney jar). Don't those nasty things sleep? Extreme disappointment, but luckily there were a few salvagable ones.

Yes, they were outside with pjs, winter coats, and sunglasses from their baskets.

It wasn't sunny, but there was no way those glasses were coming off.

Funny story about their Easter present: so, a couple of months ago, their Wii broke. We thought that one of them had dropped it on the wood floor or something. But when we decided a few weeks ago to cancel cable and just stick with Netflix, we realized that we needed a new Wii in order to get it to stream to our TV. So the Easter Bunny brought a brand new Wii. How super fun, right? (And of course it came with some inappropriate fighting game that they probably shouldn't be playing, but they are now, so whatever.) As soon as Jerry started messing with the wires behind the TV, doesn't the old Wii just start right up like nothing ever happened? Of course it does.

So now we have two. Yay.

Story of our lives.

Then it was time to go show off the most handsome guys ever.

And yes, the sunglasses made it in to Church. The ties? Barely. Um, yeah- they wore their Jordans with their khakis. So what?

Then Mom and Dad's house.

And now we have the whole week off. Hopefully it will stop snowing at some point. I'm planning on putting sunless tanning lotion on every day so that when people ask me on Monday where I went over break, I'll just tell them, "Florida, like the rest of the known universe". That has such a better ring than, "the couch to catch up on Pretty Little Liars and Weeds", right?

Have a healthy day,

J

Gas Pump Super Fail

2013-03-28T21:08:00.001-04:00

Last week I stopped at the gas station to get some gas on my way to work. In an effort to stay true to myself, I waited until my gas light was fully on, and until it was approximately 3 degrees out.

I stepped out of the car, right on to a huge ( yet weirdly sticky) ice patch. I stood there getting frostbitten fingers while pumping in 20 bucks worth. I know, Dad, I know- you're supposed to fill 'er up, especially in the freezing weather. But you know what? AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!

So anyway, I climbed back in my car and was overwhelmed, like seriously about to pass out, with the smell of gas. Oh awesome! That "ice patch" I stepped in (twice now), wasn't actually frozen water- it was semi-frozen gasoline!

I drove to work with the window slightly open, wondering if I could possibly get high from the fumes, and thinking that if that was the case, maybe I should close the window and have a slightly more enjoyable day.

5 minutes later I was standing in the shared teaching space making copies. Two people were in there at their desks and one other teacher walked in.

"Something smells weird in here".

"Yeah, it smells like gas. Like, super strong."

Me: "Really? I don't smell anything."

"Are you serious? It's SO strong."

"Did someone get gas this morning before work? It's REALLY bad."

Me: "I don't know. I didn't."

"That is so weird. It smells the strongest, like, right over here" (standing about 2 feet away from me).

Everyone walked out and started their days. I walked over to my boss' desk (who I can't stand) and wiped my feet really hard right by her chair.

Then I walked back in to my room, wiped my feet off with wet paper towels and bathed in this perfumed lotion that one of my girls left on my desk the day before. I cracked my window for good measure, and told the next class that "they've got the heat up way too high. It was defintely feeling hot in here. We're leaving it open for a little while".

Just thought you'd like to know that.

I'm a moron.

Have a healthy day,

J

Finish the Sentence Part II

2013-03-26T21:04:00.001-04:00

Everyone in my house is on the verge of getting sick, and I really thought I had dodged it. Of course not. I am feeling like complete trash right now, so this is gonna be short and sweet. I really just want to be in my bed watching PLL on Netflix. But these two bloggers are my very faves. No joke. So I had to jump in on the action. (Plus I really wanna win, I'm not even gonna lie).

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat... All of Paula Deen's greatest hits. And I'm talkin' about

pre-diabeetus Paula. With a side of chips and cake with extra frosting for dessert.

2. On my Prom night.... I wore a dress that I got on sale from Express for $50 and was escorted by a blind date. I went to an all-girls school, and didn't know any boys. He ended up being super cute. But we didn't date or anything afterwards. I think he had a girlfriend or something dumb. That, and I was a huge nerd.

3. When I go to the store, I always buy... greek yogurt, frozen chicken nuggets that I doubt are real chicken, boxed mac and cheese that costs 39 cents, and a pack of everything bagels. That is ALL my kids eat. I'm not kidding.

4. Family functions typically... are long and loud. Most of the grown-ups refuse to admit that all of the kids are now grown-ups. I'm pretty sure that we'd still have to sit at the kids' table if we still fit in the chairs. And if you're at a family function, there is a 100% chance you're getting talked about when it's over.

5. I think my blog readers... are non-existant. Does anyone read this freaking thing? I'm not quite sure, but I'm pretty fun and funny, so people SHOULD.

6. I'd much rather be..... online shopping for whatever the freak I want whenever the freak I want instead of second guessing the random $2 nail polish that finds its way in to my shopping cart as a "splurge". I could really use an entire new spring wardrobe right now. And about 12 extra paychecks.

7. I have an obsession with.... Pinterest, reality TV, sweat pants, and not doing my hair. Yeah, I said it. I don't do my hair. Ever. And???

8. My work friends.... used to be my very best friends. We hung out during every single free moment we had, went out for happy hour at 3:00 and ended up closing the bars, and knew very inappropriate things about each other. And then one by one, we all started getting new jobs. And now we never speak. And I have zero friends at my current job and it's horrible. Womp Womp.

9. When I created my Facebook account.... I agreed to have a "joint account" with my husband in an effort to keep any and all skeletons IN the closet. (Not that either of us have any, but just in case). He NEVER goes on there, and it's fully just my account. I especially love it when people who were total whore bags in college feel the need to post quotes from the Bible every 5 minutes. It's SO authentic.

10. My least favorite word is... so gross that I can't even type it. I'll give you a couple of clues: It's a woman's body part, and it starts with a C. The acronym(?) has nothing to do with Tuesday. And when one of my girls at school gets mad, she tells people to lick hers. Ew. Just thinking aboutt it makes me want to vom.

11. I really don't remember.... names or where I know people from, but I do remember if I've seen someone somewhere. I rely on my 5-year-old who I swear has a photographic memory to remind me who everyone is and where we've seen them before. I'm all like, "oh hiiiii, how are youuuu?" with the hopes that their answer will somehow trigger my brain.

12. Justin Bieber.... officially gave me Bieber fever when I watched Never Say Never. He's coming here this summer and I can't find any little girls to take me. Even my 10-year-old niece was all, "no one even likes Justin Bieber anymore. We like One Direction". Um ok. Then who the eff bought all of the floor seats for $4000 EACH?!?!?!?

And that's it on my end.

Have a healthy day,

Liebster Nod

2013-03-23T15:17:00.001-04:00

So, this is kinda fun- I got a shout out on Ang's blog the other day, and got nominated for one of these cute little Liebster awards. It pretty much reminds me of those chain letters that used to fly around my college email account. You know- one of those "divulge every useless fact about yourself and then pass this on to 50 thousand people" things? Yep, I used to indulge in every single one. So naturally, I'll indulge once again. Thanks for the love, Ang!

HERE ARE THE RULES FOR RECEIVING THIS AWARD:

Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
Answer the questions that the tagger set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.
Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
Go to their page and tell them.
No tag backs!

11 Things About Me

1. I watch Pretty Little Liars on Netflix every single night in my bed before I go to bed. This is a newfound ~~addiction~~ interest. I can't believe I just admitted that.

2. I abhore the snow. And yet I've lived in upstate NY for my entire life. The sun hasn't shone since October. This sucks.

3. I would move to somewhere warmer but I would miss my parents too much.

4. The college roommate who was randomly assigned to me Freshman year is still my best friend.

5. My husband is a cradle robber. I am a (svelt) 8 and a half years younger than him.

6. My children have an obsession with the word penis. It's bad. One of them actually thanked me the other day for teaching it to him.

7. I have a very weird condition called Vasovagal syncope. Basically, I can't get too hot, too stressed, or too caffeinated, or I will pass out. My sister was talking about drinking a NoExplode before her 5-mile run the other day. If that scenario became my reality, I'd be in a coffin.

8. I like to think I'm really good at Zumba, even though I probably look ridiculous. If my husband loves me, he'll buy me some legit pants with tassels off of their website. And I'll wear them shamelessly.

9. My two favorite foods are cake and chips.

10. I have never dyed my hair. I never even used Sun-In in middle school.

11. I hate long car trips. Put me on a plane any day. Sitting in a car for an extended period of time is THE WORST.

Questions From Ang:

What, if anything, are you afraid of? Besides snakes, horses and pit bulls, I'm also afraid of getting attacked by someone who is hiding under my car.

2. Favorite type of food? Italian, Mexican, Chinese, something else? I love everything, but I tend to lean toward Italian if I have the choice. I'm a total carbaholic and I live in a city that is very heavily populated with Italians. There are some bomb-ass locally owned Italian restaurants around here.

Why did you start blogging? Because my kids are the funniest people on the planet, and I want to have their hilariousness documented forever.
If you could go anywhere on vacation right now where would it be? Hawaii. 80 and sunny with clear blue water? Yes please.
Are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird. I'd much rather get up and get my day started than stay up late.
Do you workout? If so what's your favorite type of exercise? Yes, but not nearly enough! I LOVE going to all types of group exercise classes. Except cycling. I've never gotten in to that.
Favorite pizza topping? Any vegetable. Hold the meat please.
What is your current favorite song being played on the radio now? Is it too embarrassing to say Britney and Will.I.Am's new booty shaking awesomeness? Yes? Ok, fine- I guess Mumford and Sons' "I Will Wait For You" wins then.
What is the last book you read? Fifty Shades of Grey. Just kidding. It was actually the Nicholas Sparks one whose movie just came out. I can't remember the title right at this second, but it was pretty good. I love me some chick lit.
Favorite sports team? Um, I guess the NY Yankees. You know, since my husband plays for the team and all...Don't believe me? Check out my son...

Told you!!

If you didn't live where you live right now, where would you live? Without a doubt, somewhere warmer. Probably somewhere down south. But not the deep south. Maybe like Virginia or something.

And now, since just about every single person on every single blog I read has been doing this already, I'm going to only nominate a couple more people to keep this thing going:

* Jake at The Life Of Jake

* Heather at Run Eat Play

* Lora at Raising Steppe Sisters

My questions for them:

1. What superpower would you like to have?

2. Favorite season?

3. Chocolate or Vanilla?

4. Favorite adult beverage?

5. What is one thing you wish you were really good at?

6. What is one thing you wish you had the courage to try?

7. Do you sing in the shower?

8. Do you believe in God?

9. Which reality show is your favorite?

10. What is something you do every single day?

11. What is one cliche that you believe?

And there you have it.

Have a healthy day,

No Title Tuesday

2013-03-19T20:32:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about writing a St. Patty's Day race recap like every other person in the blog world, but then I remembered that I didn't run a race this weekend because I DON'T RUN. So instead, I'll show you pictures of the most amazing martini I drank on Friday night:

The gummy bear martini. It tasted exactly like a...wait for it... gummy bear! And it had real-life gummy bears at the bottom. I'm not really allowed to drink these days because of this medicine I'm on, so I unfortunately had to stop after one of these bad boys. Otherwise, I probably would have drank about 13.

So I just need to throw this in real quick: as I'm sitting here typing, I am watching this stupid new show called Splash. Joey from Blossom is hosting. It's a diving competition among Z-list celebrities. Rudy Huxtable, Kendra Wilkinson and some super fat comedian whose name I can't remember. OhmyGoddd, I'm literally becoming dumber by the second. Are you watching it?

Anyway, back to the important stuff. We were going to go downtown to meet our drunken friends on Saturday at the parade. My sister was even carrying a banner for one of the local Irish bars. But then it was all snowing and shtuff, so we bailed on that. Ain't nobody got time for dat!!

So instead I waited til Sunday to don my green. The boys and I met up with the rest of my fam for some Irish food and music. I like to call the place a restaurant, but I'm also kinda lying. It was a bar, ok? I totally took my kids to a bar. (Oh my God. She has a BABY. IN BAR....) <---remember that quote? I don't even eat real Irish food, but don't you worry. I put away some corned beef like nobody's business.

Pay no mind to the sickly shade of pale that is my skin these days. That's apparently what happens when the sun doesn't shine for 5 months straight. Effin' miserable. Nor should you pay attention to that double chin that I'm rockin. That has no correlation to the horrible weather. That's just natural talent right there.

Have a healthy day,

Early Morning Booty Kicking

2013-03-13T14:35:00.001-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days when all you feel like doing is reading blogs and watching reality TV? That's me ~~every day~~ today. I am just not feeling work at all. Is it freaking June yet?

I went to the gym this morning.

See? Those are my feet and that is the locker room floor. I WAS THERE.

I took Cardio Training Camp and it was early and hard. We had to do the entire class using a medicine ball and this rubber band thing that went around our ankles. Side shuffles, jumping jacks, lunges, power squats. It was cray, I tell ya. But I have fat outer thighs, so I probably needed to do this workout for about 5 more hours. I will 100% be in pain by the time I go to bed tonight. I smelled so bad by the time it was over.

Speaking of working out, I am finally going to training tonight to get certified to teach at my new gym. My original certification was only valid at my old gym so I haven't taught in a couple of months. I can't wait to get back in the game. So even though sitting through training for 4 hours both tonight and tomorrow night after working all day will damn near kill me, it will totally be worth it in the long run.

The Boy had an exhibition night at his school last night. His class has been studying all about cities, and last night he got to show us how smart he is. Take a look at how proud this guy was in his classroom:

I love this little man.

And here is his contribution to the block city that his class built:

Wegmans. Obviously the most important building in the city.

And one more, this time of the other guy, just cuz I wouldn't want him to feel left out. He's pretty stinkin cute too, right?

He took a swimming lesson the other day and basically hated the entire thing. Tears, yelling, grabbing the teacher's neck- it all happened. He told me afterwards that he wants to go again.

That's about it on my end. Happy hump day!

Have a healthy day,

PS- I used a word in my last post that I hate. And then I realized after I published it that anyone who reads this might not get that it wasn't MY word. It was one of Kanye's stupid song lyrics. All of you got that, right?

PPS- My daily reader stats and my number of followers are not matching up (Thankfully). Can y'all do me a favor and "FOLLOW ME"? Please. Boost my ego.

Fun Little Linkup

2013-03-09T17:11:00.001-05:00

www.thestanfieldclan.com

It's time for a link up! And yes, I'm late jumping on board, and yes, that is the story of my life. Sorry I'm not sorry. And with that, I will finish some sentences:

1. People always tell me that I talk like a valley girl and that I'm built like a black girl. I'm assuming that they are referring to my bedonk-a-donk. Keep in mind that I spend the majority of my days with inappropriate teenagers. I, like, totally think both of those are compliments. *Hair flip*

2. In the movie based on my life, Taye Diggs is my husband. (And I get to play me, obviously.)

3. Typically, I end up regretting nights of drinking. But sometimes I just can't help myself.

4. I always ask to leave off the olives. Gross.

5. Kim and Kanye really need to ask themselves why they are together. I mean, won't Kanye do anything for a blonde dyke? Last I checked, Kim is neither. But I guess what don't kill him will make him stronger. But they will probably have a very beautiful baby. And yes, I realize I'm a huge nerd.

6. My Parents always reminded me that one time when I was little, I buried a hamburger in a house plant. I went back a week later, undug it and ate it.

7. Every single day, I say the F word. Sometimes out loud, sometimes under my breath, and sometimes in my head. It starts in the morning when the alarm goes off, "Eff. I don't want to go to work". And again later at lunch, "I really should eat healthier. Aw, Eff it".

8. This one time in College I drank Pepto before a night of drinking so that I could drink more without puking. It may have happened more than just one time.

9. My grossest habit is leaving dirty dishes in the sink over night. I know that clean freaks everywhere are cringing right now. I'm sorry, but your tendencies to pick pimples truly made me throw up in my mouth.

10. My latest white lie was telling a pain in the A$$ student of mine that I was happy to see her after an absence and that I miss her when she 's gone. Not true on either front.

11. I know all the words to almost every single Dave Matthews song from the late 90s, most of the words to Baby Got Back, and about 80% of the words to The Brady Bunch movie. I'm not even ashamed to admit that my sister and I used to watch that movie on VHS every single night before we went to bed when we shared a room in high school. I told you I was a nerd.

12. When I grow up I want to be a clean freak organized MILF who has her S*&T together. Or a party planner.

13. Sexy time is finishing a slow 2-mile jiggle jog without a peeping turtle. (TMI???)

14. I will never, ever give birth to a baby girl. And part of me is very sad about that. But the other part is ecstatic that I will forever get to be the queen of my castle.

15. I think it's hilarious that I left my wallet at work last night, didn't remember until the boys were already in the car for their haircuts, and then discovered that the building is locked, leaving me access to zero dollars on a day when I have a thousand errands to run. Oh wait, no. That actually isn't hilarious at all. But Cakewrecks.com is. People are ~~morons~~ funny and I love laughing at with them. Oh, and little kids who make inappropriate comments are ususally pretty hilarious too. Except for when it's my kids. Then it's just mortifying, until I get home and they are in bed.

Happy weekend!

Have a healthy day,

Eye Appointments and Painted Nails

2013-03-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

The other day, my little buddy had to go to the eye doctor. Was it mean to take his picture at the appointment? Look at this guy. I mean, seriously. When he went for his 4 year checkup a couple weeks ago, he didn't ace the eye exam so they had me take him to get checked out. Can you imagine him wearing mini glasses? Besides the fact that Homeboy would probably ninja chop those things to death within a week, I still think he would look pretty freaking cute.

But it turns out he doesn't need glasses after all. Thankfully, we get to put that bill off for a while longer.

But we still got to hang out and do stuff like this while we were waiting for the drops to dilate his eyes, so the day was totally worth it.

Anyway, do you like my nails? Wait, no?? Ok fine , neither do I. But can you believe I got them done for FREE? See, my job DOES have perks. These beauties were done by someone who swears she is going to make a career of this. As much as they make me crazy, I love these freaking kids. And you better believe I will let them continue to make my nails look like they were painted by a drag queen on acid because some day they will be feeding me applesauce at the nursing home.

Nothing of Significance

2013-02-22T13:54:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to update more often. I honestly think about it about once a day, and then I just get going with stuff and before I know it, the day is over and I'm sitting my fat butt on the couch watching reality tv. So here, in no particular order, is a list of things that have been going on in my ever-exciting life.

1. A couple of weeks ago, the temperature outside never got out of the single digits. When we woke up one morning that week and it was a brisk 62 degrees in our house, sheer panic set in. (Now, it needs to be noted that the household husband likes the heat jacked up to about 72. Would you be sweating to death in his presence? Yeah, me too. ) anyway, unable to bear it for even one more second, he called a heating guy to come over at 8:30 on a Friday night. It was amazing to pay this guy $125 for about 20 minutes of his time. All we needed was to change the stupid $5 filter in the furnace. #homeownerfail.

2. Ty woke up crying at 4:45 the other day. Since I had my alarm set for 5:00 so I could go to the gym before work anyway, I went in to lay with him for a few minutes. When I told him why I had to get up, he said,"why are you going to the gym? I don't want you to leave me." I said, "I'm going so that you have a healthy Mama. You don't want to have a fat Mama, right?" His response: " but Mama, you're already kinda fat."

3. I had to take Ty to get a speech evaluation the other day. It's looking like his days of saying "wets doe" and "my bewwy hurts" are on their way out. Is it weird that I am sad about that? I kinda want to follow him around recording his little voice for the next month before his classes start. His sayings are the cutest. I will miss them.

4. I want to be thin and fit. I really do. But I really also want to shove my pie hole with pizza and chips every day. It sucks. And so does running on the treadmill. And getting up before dawn to get a workout in before work. And working your butt off and still seeing mounds of cellulite in the mirror? Yep, that sucks too. But you know what doesn't suck? Being strong, healthy and energetic. The moment your workout is over. The sore muscles. So I guess I'll stick with it.

I've got a bunch more random things running around my brain right now, but I'm going to save them for tomorrow.

Have a healthy day,

J

Yoga And A Mile

2013-01-22T14:16:00.002-05:00

Hey there! It is SO cold out today. My car told me this morning that it was 9 out on my way to work. My hands and face verified this while I stood like an idiot at the gas station with no gloves on. Who in their right mind lets their gas tank get down to just about nothing and then pumps gas with no gloves on in the NINE degree weather?? Oh wait...

Moving on. Happy (belated) MLK Jr Day. I used to always be thankful for this guy because he allowed us to have was a random Monday off from school. And now I am thankful for this guy because, without him, I'm not sure my gorgeous family would even exist. And without him, these two amazing people might not even have the chance to make their marks on the world:

So thank you, Martin Luther King Jr, for having your dream, and for helping my dream to become a reality.

The boys didn't have their Religious Ed classes on Sunday, so instead of putting ourselves and everyone around us through the torture of taking them to church with us, we took the morning off. I headed to the gym and got there 2 minutes late for yoga. It was really freaking packed, but I slid my mat in between two unsuspecting souls. It was hard, yo. My shoulders were legit shaking and I may or may not have had to sit a move or two out to just catch my breath in child's pose. I kindof wanted to sit in child's pose for the last 20 minutes of class, but then I remembered that skinny people don't do that.

And since I had off yesterday, I went to the gym in the morning instead of early evening. And guess what I was just in time for? Yep, Active Yoga! So I went again. OMG, two days in a row. With the same teacher. And she is no joke. I made the decision right in the middle of class that I want to get really good at yoga. It was hard again, but I felt so bendy afterwards. And then, (because I'm such a workout fanatic, obviously,) I got on the treadmill. I had the intention to bang out a "quick" mile. (Quick mile= best oxymoron ever). My legs felt even heavier than their usual 500 pounds each after that yoga class so I told myself I'd just do a half mile and head out. But then I felt like a total wimp for stopping so quickly, so I kept going. And then I just really wanted it to be over, so I tried to run as fast as I could. (And by that, I mean at 7.0). My face was beat red and I had sweat dripping down my face. So I did what any normal person does after a good workout: hit up the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

I love days off!

So, no workout for me today, unless I decide to do some Exercise On Demand on the TV later tonight. I might, but probably not. Whatever. I'm back at it tomorrow.

Have a healthy day,

J

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Beast Mode

2013-01-09T22:38:00.001-05:00

I told myself that this was going to be the month that I got back on track with my regular workout routine. It's just been so freaking hard lately. And by lately I obviously mean for the past year or so. Between work and the boys' new school schedules and trying to actually work at the gym once in a while to help make that crazy monthly payment a little more palatable, it's just been ridiculously hard to get on a schedule and stick to it. But New Year New Me, right?

The boys spent the night with my parents on Friday night so I did what any childless person would do on a Saturday morning: ~~nurse a hangover with a huge greasy breakfast~~ spend it at the gym. I am at a new gym now and I'm trying to find some new classes to love. I've been hearing a ton about this craziness called Bodypump, and have never had it at my gym before. Well I do now. And crazy it is. I had literally no idea what to expect so I kept my weights pretty light. And then I realized just how little upper body strength I actually have. So instead of quitting while I was ahead, I decided to capitalize on my moment with no children and washed my shaky, sweaty class down with an hour of yoga. This was 4 days ago and I think my shoulders are still sore.

And instead of just jumping on a treadmill when I returned to the gym two days later, I decided to go to Body Conditioning. Yes, another strength class. I got completely SMOKED by 60 year-old women. And I'm not kidding. We had to push a medicine ball up over our heads, put it on the ground, do a full push up ( with out hands ON IT) and then jump back up. About a billion times in a row. Um, not happening.

I about died, friends. But I didn't. And I'm going to go back. There is no shot that I'm gonna let a bunch of 60 - year- old women show me up again. Well, actually, they probably will. Whatever. I'm a beast. Or, I will be some day at least.

Now that I'm done crying about how out of shape I am, wanna see some pictures I've taken with my new snazzy phone?

Actually, never mind. I can't figure out how to import them while I'm using the phone to type. CAN ANYONE HELP ME?????

Have a healthy day,

J

Resolution Epic Fail

2013-01-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

Oh hi! Remember me? I'm the chick who decided a while back to write a blog, and then decided to never update it. Um, yeah...

Anyway, I'm happy to be back. I made a resolution the other day that this would be the year I would re-commit to this little ol' blog. And so far, three days in, I've failed miserably. Yikes. Ok, well, I'll start today. Here goes.

You're dying to know what's been happening in my neck of the woods over the past month, aren't you? I know.

Well, I turned 33. I'm feelin' so old, yo. But I had a really great night with a big family dinner at a hibachi restaurant and got totally spoiled with some new Lulu gear and.... drum roll please... an iphone! Yes that is correct. Mama got an iphone. And she is officially obsessed. (But she doesn't really know how to upload pictures from the phone on to this little blog. She's old. But she'll figure it out. And then she'll stop talking about herself in the third person.)

Um, what else? I spent my entire week off last week sick as a dog. Yep. It all started last Friday with CJ complaining that he didn't feel well and wanting to stay home from school. Me, being the super awesome mom that I am, looked down and noticed that he had his fingers crossed. So, assuming he was lying, I sent his booty to school. By 1:30 the nurse had called and he was coming home with a fever of 101. He lifted his little pathetic body off the couch approximately 4 days later, at which time, I laid my not so little pathetic body in that same spot for the next 4 days. And so it went. We all took a turn having a pounding headache, fever, and pure exhaustion. It was a wonderful way to spend my vacation.

But other than that, Christmas was glorious. My little buddy was in the play at Church for the first time, and then he turned 4 the day after. He's 4. Omg. I told you I was old.

YAYYY! Told you I'd figure out how to get the
photos off the new phone. Hmmm...now if
only I could figure out how to take pix
that aren't blurry...

The hubs and I spent New Year's on the couch with Ryan Seacrest and some cough syrup. I personally hate NYE. I am so over spending hundreds of dollars I don't have to get entirely too drunk and ultimately waking up the next morning thinking, "wow, that was overrated". But Husband was all about going to this fancy party that a hotel downtown was hosting. Luckily, he jumped on my page at the last minute. I was just about over my sickness by the time it came around, but he was right in the middle of his. So he drank tea and I drank one drink because I felt like I was supposed to and at 12:04 I went upstairs and went to bed. ...And LAME-O was their name-o...

Whatevs. I'm cool. Really I am. (No?)

So that's it for now. I worked out in front of the TV tonight and now the sweat is drying on me and I'm cold. So I'm heading in to the shower and then I'm going to bed. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate working out at home. I do. I friggin' hate it. But it's a new year and I need to stop making excuses and start focusing on the fitness.

What are your new year's resolutions?????

Have a healthy day,

J