Hear English (from the Full English Experience)

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Health and Safety (Series 003, Episode 008)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 7 Aug 2017 11:58:00 +0200

Hear more English at: http://fullenglishexperience.com/. 'Hear English' and 'The Full English Experience' are blogs that provide podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 8 - Health and Safety (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Susan: Good morning Keith. Have you seen the new health and safety rules have been sent to everyone? I think we have to sign something to say we have read then and promise to abide by them. It all seems a bit unnecessary.

Keith: I did see them. In fact, I have already filed them for future reference.

Susan: Really? I thought you were going to complain like you usually do! And as for filing – I didn’t think you even had a filing system in place… wait a second. Keith, you haven’t filed your document; you’ve put it in the waste paper bin.

Keith: Exactly, appropriate filing is absolutely essential.

Susan: Well, even if it is a bit over the top, I do think you ought to at least take a look at the updated requirements Keith.

Keith: [dramatic sighing] OK, but I can’t see what it will say that I don’t already know. Health and Safety is really just common sense.

Later…

Susan: [entering room] Ahh! Why are there hazard signs all around my desk? Keith, do you have anything to do with this? Why are you wearing a helmet?

Keith: Well Susan, I followed your advice and read the Health and Safety document. It was eye-opening. Are you aware of the number of dangers present in your work area?

Susan: I might have known you would take this too literally.

Janet: Hello team. I am afraid that we need to discuss the new risk assessments we have to consider. What has happened to your desk Susan?

Keith: Ah, that was me Janet. I am afraid that Susan’s desk constituted a major risk according to these new rules.

Janet: Really? Which things have you highlighted? Hmm, a personal photo frame with glass. Yes, I suppose that is a risk, it might be best if you took that home Susan. And a coffee cup without a lid could be very dangerous if it had boiling water in it. Maybe you could change to a cup with a lid.

Keith: Or you could only drink chilled drinks. No ice though; that is a choking hazard.

Janet: What else? The chair too? Yes, I can see that now. Whilst this might be a very comfortable chair, I don’t imagine it is the best one for at a desk. We will have to swap it for an upright one.

Keith: Chairs without cushions are recommended in this case.

Susan: Honestly, this is just Keith being silly.

Janet: It might appear that way Susan, but we really can’t be too careful these days.

Keith: ha ha ha, sorry, a bit of a cough there.

Janet: Do you know what Keith? We need to recruit some more Health and Safety officers now, and I must admit that I didn’t even consider you before. It means doing more administrative chores and there are monthly meetings to attend and I didn’t think it would interest you. However, you are clearly passionate about Health and Safety, so I will put your name forward with strong recommendations. Plus, I will leave you in charge of the risk assessments. I am sure you will enjoy doing this far more than Susan.

Keith: But…

Susan: Congratulations Keith. You know what they say: if that cap fits, wear it.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Health and Safety (Series 003, Episode 008)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 7 Aug 2017 11:57:00 +0200

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 8 - Health and Safety (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith: I did see them. In fact, I have already filed them for future reference.

Keith: Exactly, appropriate filing is absolutely essential.

Susan: Well, even if it is a bit over the top, I do think you ought to at least take a look at the updated requirements Keith.

Keith: [dramatic sighing] OK, but I can’t see what it will say that I don’t already know. Health and Safety is really just common sense.

Later…

Susan: [entering room] Ahh! Why are there hazard signs all around my desk? Keith, do you have anything to do with this? Why are you wearing a helmet?

Keith: Well Susan, I followed your advice and read the Health and Safety document. It was eye-opening. Are you aware of the number of dangers present in your work area?

Susan: I might have known you would take this too literally.

Janet: Hello team. I am afraid that we need to discuss the new risk assessments we have to consider. What has happened to your desk Susan?

Keith: Ah, that was me Janet. I am afraid that Susan’s desk constituted a major risk according to these new rules.

Keith: Or you could only drink chilled drinks. No ice though; that is a choking hazard.

Keith: Chairs without cushions are recommended in this case.

Susan: Honestly, this is just Keith being silly.

Janet: It might appear that way Susan, but we really can’t be too careful these days.

Keith: ha ha ha, sorry, a bit of a cough there.

Keith: But…

Susan: Congratulations Keith. You know what they say: if that cap fits, wear it.

Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 9 Jun 2014 01:37:00 +0200

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

OFFICE GOSSIP (Fast)

You can get the mp3 here. Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Cooee, nice to see you. How’s your first day? How’s everyone treating you? Nicely? Really? Even Jill? Oh that’s nice. I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox. So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you.

Have you got a boyfriend? You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer. I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts. They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR. I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble? I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security. It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink. At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time. Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long. Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never. Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend?

Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble. Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work. She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital. Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job. She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big.

So have you heard any good gossip? C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie. It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members. Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem. Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business!

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 9 Jun 2014 01:36:00 +0200

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

OFFICE GOSSIP (Slow)

You can get the mp.3 here. Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - How to Fail an Interview (Series 004, Episode 001)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Thu, 8 May 2014 09:00:00 +0200

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post. You can get the mp3 here.

Not everyone wants a job. Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking. Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps.

1 Don’t turn up on time. Employers hate this; it ensures that everyone else’s interview is late and makes them wait around twiddling their thumbs. And, don’t phone to say you’re late, I mean, they’re not paying for your credit are they?

2 Don’t prepare before the interview. Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you?

3 Make a joke. It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal. And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone. Even the people interviewing you.

4 Don’t dress smartly. T-shirt, trainers and a baseball cap show you’re the kind of fit, go getter who’s going to go straight out of the interview and kick a ball around the park. Only geeks wear ties.

5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair.

6 Don’t turn your mobile off. If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates.

7 Be completely upfront about your work needs. It’s only fair. I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday.

8 Let’s face it, the job’s going to be boring, so enliven your interview by talking about your partner, de-worming your cat, and who’s winning X factor on the telly. And, tut if the interview panel ask you to answer their questions. What are they? Your dad or something?

And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory. You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you?

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - How to Fail an Interview (Series 004, Episode 001)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Thu, 8 May 2014 09:00:00 +0200

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post. You can get the mp.3 here.

Not everyone wants a job. Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking. Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps.

2 Don’t prepare before the interview. Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you?

3 Make a joke. It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal. And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone. Even the people interviewing you.

5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair.

6 Don’t turn your mobile off. If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates.

7 Be completely upfront about your work needs. It’s only fair. I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday.

And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory. You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you?

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Bees (Series 003, Episode 007)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 15:01:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 7 - Bees (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Susan: Hello Keith. What have you got there?

Keith: I thought our office was looking a little drab so I have brought some flowers in to liven it up. A little bit of colour will boost our morale.

Susan: That is a lovely idea, but I am very allergic to flowers. Didn’t you hear me saying to Janet yesterday how bad my hay fever was this year?

Keith: How terrible Susan, I had no idea. Well, I will keep them to my side of the office then; I’ll even open the window to ventilate the room a bit. Here, you can put the trophy I won for being a good team player on your desk; that will keep your side of the office from looking too glum.

Susan: You didn’t win that trophy Keith, I know that you bought it yourself; your story for why you were awarded that trophy changes every time. Besides, it is no good, there is too much pollen in the air now. I will go and see if I can work in another office for the rest of the day.

Keith: Finally, an office all to myself. The perfect crime! Eh eh eh.

A few minutes later…

Janet: Keith, thank goodness I have found you here.

Keith: I was only getting a quick cup of coffee, I will be back in my office in just a jiffy.

Janet: No! Don’t even think of going back into your office – it is full of bees!

Keith: Full of bees?

Janet: Yes, I have no idea why, but a huge swarm of bees has flown in through your window. Something must have attracted them, and I can’t see how we are going to get them out again. We have closed off the room. Thank goodness Susan wasn’t in there at the time; she said that something in there was aggravating her hay fever. Ah, there you are Susan, is everything OK?

Susan: Yes. I was going to move all my things into the storage room at the end of the corridor until the bee situation is sorted out. That will do as an office for the short-term.

Janet: Hmm, I’m not sure that is the best room for you Susan. It’s really dusty in there, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that room wouldn’t also set off your hay fever. Tell you what, I am away on business for the rest of the week, so why don’t you take my office?

Keith: I suppose I will have to join you.

Janet: Sorry Keith, but even though my office may look expansive and spacious, it is really only due to the tasteful styling and clever layout of furniture. Honestly, there is only room for one person to comfortably work in there. I know the storage room isn’t very nice, but considering that you don’t suffer from hay fever, I think it is best that you take that as your temporary office, just until we get pest control in.

Keith: The storage room! That doesn’t even have a window.

Susan: Well, how about you take your hard-won trophy in there with you? That is sure to brighten the place up.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Bees (Series 003, Episode 007)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 15:00:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 7 - Bees (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Susan: Hello Keith. What have you got there?

Keith: I thought our office was looking a little drab so I have brought some flowers in to liven it up. A little bit of colour will boost our morale.

Susan: That is a lovely idea, but I am very allergic to flowers. Didn’t you hear me saying to Janet yesterday how bad my hay fever was this year?

Keith: Finally, an office all to myself. The perfect crime! Eh eh eh.

A few minutes later…

Janet: Keith, thank goodness I have found you here.

Keith: I was only getting a quick cup of coffee, I will be back in my office in just a jiffy.

Janet: No! Don’t even think of going back into your office – it is full of bees!

Keith: Full of bees?

Susan: Yes. I was going to move all my things into the storage room at the end of the corridor until the bee situation is sorted out. That will do as an office for the short-term.

Keith: I suppose I will have to join you.

Keith: The storage room! That doesn’t even have a window.

Susan: Well, how about you take your hard-won trophy in there with you? That is sure to brighten the place up.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - The New Printer (Series 003, Episode 006)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:23:00 +0100

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 6 - The New Printer (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith : Good morning Susan, I see you are admiring the new printer.

Susan: Hi Keith. Yes, it is about time we had a new one and, with all the new features on this one, I think it will make life much easier.

K: Absolutely, especially as this one is voice-activated.

S: Voice-activated? Are you sure? I am sure I didn’t see anything like that in the instruction manual when I was reading it.

K: No one actually reads instruction manuals. You need to just have a practice, a bit of trial and error. It is scientifically proven that there is no substitute for hands-on experience; reading instruction manuals is not going to do you any good. Take it from me.

S: I will feel really silly talking to a printer. It doesn’t seem right.

K: Oh Susan, you need to embrace the future! Just use a nice assertive voice and be clear with your instructions and the printer will do whatever you ask.

S: (clears throat) Print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double sided paper.

K: Don’t forget to say please, Susan, where are your manners?

S: Oops, sorry. Please print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double-sided paper. Printer? Did you hear? Print! In colour! Ugh I hate technology, I must be doing something wrong.

Janet: Morning all. What on earth are you doing Susan?

S: I just can’t get this thing to print.

J: Well you’re not going to get anywhere by shouting at it, it can’t hear you.

S: But I thought it was voice activated… I was just practising with it…trying to get some hands-on experience and…learn through trial and error.

J: Voice activated? Don’t be daft, we’re a sales company, not NASA.

K: I often see you struggling with technology Susan, and I hate to see this…waste of company time. I think maybe you should take one of the lunchtime IT refresher courses that the IT department run.

J: Good idea, Keith. Are you free this lunchtime Susan?

S: Well, yes, but I…

J: Great, it’s settled, I’ll speak to IT to arrange it.

K: Ha! Ha! Ha!

S: Very funny, Keith. That’s my lunchtime wasted, I was looking forward to an hour of peace and quiet.

K: Got you hook, line and sinker…Ha! Ha! Ha!

Later …

K (to himself): It’s been ages since I last used a laminating machine, I didn’t even realize we had one in the office. What’s this? Instructions for using the touch screen features of this machine. Oh, nice try Susan, but you can’t fool me that easily. She must have hidden the keyboard somewhere around here.

Janet: Keith, whatever are you doing?

K: Hi Janet, I’ve just got some laminating to do.

J: Yes, I guessed as much, but, what I meant was, why are you rummaging around underneath the table?

K: I was just looking for the keyboard that goes with this machine. I think Susan must have hidden it somewhere.

J: Why would she have done that? In fact, I don’t think you need a keyboard for this machine, it’s touch-screen isn’t it? Susan, can you come here a second?

S: Sure!

J: Keith’s having trouble with this machine; you’ve not hidden the keyboard have you?

S: No, there’s no keyboard, it’s touch-screen. You just click here [beep] and then here [beep] put the thing you wanted to laminate here and then click “go”. [beep] … And it’s done. Simple! In fact, the instructions are right here in front of you.

J: Honestly Keith, sometimes I wonder if you walk around with your eyes shut. I am surprised you can’t work out how to use the laminating machine, though, considering you are always saying how you are a technophile and even Susan, who claims to not understand technology at all, is an expert at it. Maybe I should send you on an IT course as well as Susan.

K: Oh no Janet, there is no call for that; I wouldn’t want to put you out.

J: Not at all. It is important that you understand how to use all the machines correctly; it saves time in the long run. Having said that, from her talent with the laminator it’s obvious that Susan learns best from hands-on experience so I’m not sure the course would be much use for her, she’ll get the hang of the new printer soon enough. I’ll tell IT to expect you instead. Thanks for your help Susan.

K: Yes, thanks for your help, Susan.

S: I’m always happy to help! Enjoy your lunch Keith.

The Water Cooler (Fast) - The New Printer (Series 003, Episode 006)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:16:00 +0100

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 6 - The New Printer (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith : Good morning Susan, I see you are admiring the new printer.

Susan: Hi Keith. Yes, it is about time we had a new one and, with all the new features on this one, I think it will make life much easier.

K: Absolutely, especially as this one is voice-activated.

S: Voice-activated? Are you sure? I am sure I didn’t see anything like that in the instruction manual when I was reading it.

K: No one actually reads instruction manuals. You need to just have a practice, a bit of trial and error. It is scientifically proven that there is no substitute for hands-on experience; reading instruction manuals is not going to do you any good. Take it from me.

S: I will feel really silly talking to a printer. It doesn’t seem right.

K: Oh Susan, you need to embrace the future! Just use a nice assertive voice and be clear with your instructions and the printer will do whatever you ask.

S: (clears throat) Print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double sided paper.

K: Don’t forget to say please, Susan, where are your manners?

S: Oops, sorry. Please print the document I have just sent to you, in colour on double-sided paper. Printer? Did you hear? Print! In colour! Ugh I hate technology, I must be doing something wrong.

Janet: Morning all. What on earth are you doing Susan?

S: I just can’t get this thing to print.

J: Well you’re not going to get anywhere by shouting at it, it can’t hear you.

S: But I thought it was voice activated… I was just practising with it…trying to get some hands-on experience and…learn through trial and error.

J: Voice activated? Don’t be daft, we’re a sales company, not NASA.

K: I often see you struggling with technology Susan, and I hate to see this…waste of company time. I think maybe you should take one of the lunchtime IT refresher courses that the IT department run.

J: Good idea, Keith. Are you free this lunchtime Susan?

S: Well, yes, but I…

J: Great, it’s settled, I’ll speak to IT to arrange it.

K: Ha! Ha! Ha!

S: Very funny, Keith. That’s my lunchtime wasted, I was looking forward to an hour of peace and quiet.

K: Got you hook, line and sinker…Ha! Ha! Ha!

Later …

K (to himself): It’s been ages since I last used a laminating machine, I didn’t even realize we had one in the office. What’s this? Instructions for using the touch screen features of this machine. Oh, nice try Susan, but you can’t fool me that easily. She must have hidden the keyboard somewhere around here.

Janet: Keith, whatever are you doing?

K: Hi Janet, I’ve just got some laminating to do.

J: Yes, I guessed as much, but, what I meant was, why are you rummaging around underneath the table?

K: I was just looking for the keyboard that goes with this machine. I think Susan must have hidden it somewhere.

J: Why would she have done that? In fact, I don’t think you need a keyboard for this machine, it’s touch-screen isn’t it? Susan, can you come here a second?

S: Sure!

J: Keith’s having trouble with this machine; you’ve not hidden the keyboard have you?

S: No, there’s no keyboard, it’s touch-screen. You just click here [beep] and then here [beep] put the thing you wanted to laminate here and then click “go”. [beep] … And it’s done. Simple! In fact, the instructions are right here in front of you.

J: Honestly Keith, sometimes I wonder if you walk around with your eyes shut. I am surprised you can’t work out how to use the laminating machine, though, considering you are always saying how you are a technophile and even Susan, who claims to not understand technology at all, is an expert at it. Maybe I should send you on an IT course as well as Susan.

K: Oh no Janet, there is no call for that; I wouldn’t want to put you out.

J: Not at all. It is important that you understand how to use all the machines correctly; it saves time in the long run. Having said that, from her talent with the laminator it’s obvious that Susan learns best from hands-on experience so I’m not sure the course would be much use for her, she’ll get the hang of the new printer soon enough. I’ll tell IT to expect you instead. Thanks for your help Susan.

K: Yes, thanks for your help, Susan.

S: I’m always happy to help! Enjoy your lunch Keith.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Root Vegetable Crisps (Series 003, Episode 005)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:50:00 +0100

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 5 - Root Vegetable Crisps (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Susan: Hey Keith, could you do me a favour? I’ve got to photocopy this handout for a presentation with a potential client and they’re going to be here in five minutes and I’ve not arranged the meeting room. Could you set up the projector and arrange some sandwiches nicely on plates, make sure there’s a jug of something to drink and stick the crisps in a bowl?

Keith: No problem Susan, you know I’m always happy to help! Which meeting room is it?

Susan: Meeting room 2, you know, the one with the strange smell. Great, thanks a bunch Keith, I owe you one.

… later …

Susan: They’re here! Thanks so much for sorting out the room Keith.

Keith (with mouth full): Glad I could be of assistance.

Susan: And I suppose you earned the crisps you’re eating … wait a second … You greedy thing, you’ve eaten all the crisps in the bowl.

Keith (still with mouth full): Sorry, but they’re my favourite flavour. I couldn’t resist.

Susan: You aren’t half annoying sometimes Keith.

Keith: I said I’m sorry, but it’s your own fault really, if you got flavours I didn’t like then I wouldn’t be tempted.

Susan: Next time, that’s exactly what I’ll do. You don’t like those root vegetable crisps do you?

Keith: Oh, with beetroot and carrot? No, that stuff’s not for me, I like my crisps to be made of potato.

Susan: Then from now on, I’ll get them instead.

… later …

Keith: Hi Janet, how did Susan’s presentation go?

Janet: It went really well, they liked what she showed them and they’ve just emailed to say they want to commission us for the job.

Keith: Fantastic, so they weren’t put off by the strange smell?

Janet: Nope … but they were impressed with how well arranged everything was, and Susan tells me that you set up the meeting room, so thank you for that. In fact, there’s another meeting to finalise a few details at 5. Would you be able to set the room up again?

Keith: Yeah, of course.

… later …

Susan: Thanks Keith, the room looks great!

Keith: You’re welcome.

Susan: Right Janet, I think we’re ready.

Janet: Not quite, I filled up the bowl in the middle of the table, but for some reason it’s empty again.

Susan: Oh Keith, I can’t believe you ate the root-vegetable crisps…you don’t even like them.

Janet: You mean…you ate everything in that bowl?

Keith: Err, yeah, I’m sorry, it was a bad joke. I’ll get some more root-vegetable crisps from the canteen for you right away.

Janet: Keith, to refill the bowl, you don’t need to go to the kitchen, you need to go to the stock cupboard, and then maybe you should go home early via the doctors. The bowl wasn’t full of root-vegetable crisps. Because of the strange smell, I had filled it with pot-pourri.

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Root Vegetable Crisps (Series 003, Episode 005)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Fri, 4 Oct 2013 00:04:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 5 - Root Vegetable Crisps (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith: No problem Susan, you know I’m always happy to help! Which meeting room is it?

Susan: Meeting room 2, you know, the one with the strange smell. Great, thanks a bunch Keith, I owe you one.

… later …

Susan: They’re here! Thanks so much for sorting out the room Keith.

Keith (with mouth full): Glad I could be of assistance.

Susan: And I suppose you earned the crisps you’re eating … wait a second … You greedy thing, you’ve eaten all the crisps in the bowl.

Keith (still with mouth full): Sorry, but they’re my favourite flavour. I couldn’t resist.

Susan: You aren’t half annoying sometimes Keith.

Keith: I said I’m sorry, but it’s your own fault really, if you got flavours I didn’t like then I wouldn’t be tempted.

Susan: Next time, that’s exactly what I’ll do. You don’t like those root vegetable crisps do you?

Keith: Oh, with beetroot and carrot? No, that stuff’s not for me, I like my crisps to be made of potato.

Susan: Then from now on, I’ll get them instead.

… later …

Keith: Hi Janet, how did Susan’s presentation go?

Janet: It went really well, they liked what she showed them and they’ve just emailed to say they want to commission us for the job.

Keith: Fantastic, so they weren’t put off by the strange smell?

Keith: Yeah, of course.

… later …

Susan: Thanks Keith, the room looks great!

Keith: You’re welcome.

Susan: Right Janet, I think we’re ready.

Janet: Not quite, I filled up the bowl in the middle of the table, but for some reason it’s empty again.

Susan: Oh Keith, I can’t believe you ate the root-vegetable crisps…you don’t even like them.

Janet: You mean…you ate everything in that bowl?

Keith: Err, yeah, I’m sorry, it was a bad joke. I’ll get some more root-vegetable crisps from the canteen for you right away.

The Water Cooler (Fast) - A Word With The Boss (Series 003, Episode 004)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 23 Sep 2013 14:11:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 4 - A Word With The Boss (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith: I suppose you’ve guessed why I wanted a word with you, Janet?

Janet: Er, no. I’ve noticed you’ve been late to work quite often over the past few weeks, so I wondered if it was something to do with that, but I wasn’t sure?

K: Late for work?

J: Yes, I presumed you maybe had some personal issues that you wanted to talk to me about.

K: Err…no. Ah…I mean yes, personal issues, that has been the problem. Mmm, well obviously I have some level of personal issues, but I don’t really want to talk about them.

J: Of course, I don’t want you to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable with. It’s just that your recent late starts would normally mean that you’d be given a disciplinary meeting, unless, of course, if there was a reason, like if you were losing sleep due to personal issues.

K: Of course, yes. I’m very sorry. I suppose the last few weeks have been a little difficult personally, so I’ve not been sleeping well and have found it hard waking up in time for work, but, I’m ok now, so late starts are a thing of the past. I guarantee it.

J: Well, we won’t have to call you to a disciplinary meeting, and I appreciate you telling me and your apology, but I wish you had told me when the problems started, and we could have maybe helped you.

K: Sorry Janet, thank you Janet.

J: And, I suppose that explains why you’ve been distracted at work recently too.

K: Distracted at work?

J: Yes, your work rate is down and some of our clients have emailed me asking why you’ve not been responding to their messages. I suppose your mind has been elsewhere recently.

K: Yes, that’s it, my mind has been elsewhere recently.

J: You can say that again, your colleagues have been complaining that you’re not much fun to be around at the moment, that you get angry at people and that you’re not pulling your weight around the office.

K: I hadn’t realised it had affected my work so badly.

J: Well rest assured that everyone else has! But, as you have personal issues, I’m sure if you apologised and explained yourself then that would smooth things over.

K: I’ll do just that, and I’ll put 110% into my work over the next few weeks to make up for it.

J: Good. And it would be nice if you could put aside your immaturity too.

K: My immaturity?

J: Well, it would be nice for the rest of the staff to have a few weeks off from your practical jokes. Personally I think a fun office atmosphere is helpful, but your immature attitude often seems to do more harm than good.

K: I see. I’ll try to act in a more professional manner.

J: See that you do. It’s a shame really. Not long ago I was thinking about increasing your pay and responsibilities, but because of your silliness and these last two weeks, I’ve had discussions with Human Resources about docking your pay.

K: Docking my pay?

J: Originally we had thought about docking your pay for a year, considering your abysmal performance, but now I’m aware of your personal issues, I will try to convince them just to dock your pay temporarily, we’ll have a pay review after 2 months, and re-instate it if your performance returns to normal.

K: Well… thank you Janet.

J: Well, I make no promises, but I’ll put it forward. Is there anything else?

K: No, I think that’s everything.

…

later

…

Susan: I saw you got up the courage to have a word with Janet about that pay rise you wanted. I know you had been losing a lot of sleep over it. Did you get as much as you wanted?

K: I think I negotiated a good deal.

S: Nice going Keith. I find Janet a really tough negotiator.

K: Well I think she’s met her match with me.

S: Whenever I ask Janet for something, I come out of the meeting feeling like I’ve done really well but when I think about it afterwards I realise I’ve ended up in a worse position than when I started.

K: Well I managed to get her to commit to a pay review in 2 months to re-instate my pay.

S: You mean, you went in asking for a pay rise, and came out with a pay cut.

K: Now I think about it…yes. But I felt like I’d done really well.

S: Well, now I’m convinced that Janet’s met her match with you.

K: Hmm…

The Water Cooler (Slow) - A Word With The Boss (Series 003, Episode 004)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 23 Sep 2013 14:11:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here.

Episode 4 - A Word With The Boss (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan). (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),

Keith: I suppose you’ve guessed why I wanted a word with you, Janet?

Janet: Er, no. I’ve noticed you’ve been late to work quite often over the past few weeks, so I wondered if it was something to do with that, but I wasn’t sure?

K: Late for work?

J: Yes, I presumed you maybe had some personal issues that you wanted to talk to me about.

K: Err…no. Ah…I mean yes, personal issues, that has been the problem. Mmm, well obviously I have some level of personal issues, but I don’t really want to talk about them.

K: Sorry Janet, thank you Janet.

J: And, I suppose that explains why you’ve been distracted at work recently too.

K: Distracted at work?

J: Yes, your work rate is down and some of our clients have emailed me asking why you’ve not been responding to their messages. I suppose your mind has been elsewhere recently.

K: Yes, that’s it, my mind has been elsewhere recently.

K: I hadn’t realised it had affected my work so badly.

J: Well rest assured that everyone else has! But, as you have personal issues, I’m sure if you apologised and explained yourself then that would smooth things over.

K: I’ll do just that, and I’ll put 110% into my work over the next few weeks to make up for it.

J: Good. And it would be nice if you could put aside your immaturity too.

K: My immaturity?

K: I see. I’ll try to act in a more professional manner.

K: Docking my pay?

K: Well… thank you Janet.

J: Well, I make no promises, but I’ll put it forward. Is there anything else?

K: No, I think that’s everything.

…

later

…

Susan: I saw you got up the courage to have a word with Janet about that pay rise you wanted. I know you had been losing a lot of sleep over it. Did you get as much as you wanted?

K: I think I negotiated a good deal.

S: Nice going Keith. I find Janet a really tough negotiator.

K: Well I think she’s met her match with me.

K: Well I managed to get her to commit to a pay review in 2 months to re-instate my pay.

S: You mean, you went in asking for a pay rise, and came out with a pay cut.

K: Now I think about it…yes. But I felt like I’d done really well.

S: Well, now I’m convinced that Janet’s met her match with you.

K: Hmm…

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Business Speak (Series 003, Episode 003)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 09:35:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here (opens in a new window)

Episode 3 - Business Speak (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

(Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com')

Susan: Are you still working on your progress report for Janet’s new project?

Keith: I’m nearly done, just adding the finishing touches.

S: So, what have you done so far?

K: Actually, I’ve not yet started the project.

S: Oh, Janet’s not going to be happy, she wants it to be the cornerstone of the business by the end of the year. If you’ve not done anything, then what are you going to say about your progress?

K: I’m just going to confuse her with some meaningless management jargon and then hopefully she’ll leave me alone for a while and I can take things easy.

S: I’m not sure that Janet’s going to be fooled by buzz words.

K: Don’t underestimate my talent for business speak. If I bombard her with enough of it, I can make it sound like I’m being proactive without actually giving any details about what I’ve been doing.

S: Well, we’ll soon see if she’s taken in, she’s on her way over. Hi Janet.

Janet: Hi team. I’m sorry, I don’t have time to really go through your progress reports on the new project, the client’s just asked me to chair a conference call about it, which starts in 5 minutes. It’s annoying because I booked the afternoon off to meet my daughter in town. I suppose I’ll have to cancel that. Oh well, we’ll re-schedule the progress report meeting for Monday afternoon. Err, Susan, I think I know roughly what you’re doing, but can you give me a quick summary of your progress, Keith?

K: Well, we’ve hammered out our objectives. We’ve put our feelers out. We don’t want to re-invent the wheel, but then we don’t want a sacred cow either. I’ve been thinking outside the box but trying not to ignore low hanging fruit.

J: Good. I’ll look forward to hearing the decisions about the objectives and what you get back from your feelers on Monday.

K: O…k.

J: So what are you currently doing?

K: Err, at this juncture I’m actioning our game plan. I don’t want to let the grass grow too long on this so we really have to push the envelope to get an offer on the table. Hopefully no-one will try to move the goalposts, but I’m prepared to do the needful if there is any project creep.

J: I was prepared to put a small team in charge of actioning the game plan and managing any project creep, but if you’ve already started then it makes sense for you to continue on your own. I was going to take this project slowly but if you’re happy to put the work in then I know the client would be happy to see an offer on the table by the end of next week.

K: Err…excellent!

J: And what are you going to do next?

K: Going forward, I’ll touch base with the team and start cascading the workload, so all I need is for the client to give it the nod and it’s all good to go.

J: I was going to personally touch base with the rest of the team and cascade the workload, but you’re welcome to take that responsibility. Wow! You must have been working flat out, I was expecting you to have only just started the project. Thinking about it, it sounds like you’re better placed than me to chair this conference call with the client. You can pitch them your idea and see if they’ll give you the nod. Thank you Keith.

K: Err, no problem Janet.

J: Right. I’ll leave you to it and head into town, I’ll see you on Monday.

S: You really did impress her. Have you really done all that work?

K: No, I really haven’t started yet.

S: Then why did you volunteer to take on all that extra work and responsibility?

K: I didn’t realise I had. I have no idea what just happened. Oh no, I’ll have to work all weekend to finish all that, and I’m completely unprepared for this conference call.

S: It appears that you’ve underestimated your talent for business speak.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Business Speak (Series 003, Episode 003)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 09:31:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here (opens in a new window)

Episode 3 - Business Speak (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

(Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com')

Susan: Are you still working on your progress report for Janet’s new project?

Keith: I’m nearly done, just adding the finishing touches.

S: So, what have you done so far?

K: Actually, I’ve not yet started the project.

S: Oh, Janet’s not going to be happy, she wants it to be the cornerstone of the business by the end of the year. If you’ve not done anything, then what are you going to say about your progress?

K: I’m just going to confuse her with some meaningless management jargon and then hopefully she’ll leave me alone for a while and I can take things easy.

S: I’m not sure that Janet’s going to be fooled by buzz words.

S: Well, we’ll soon see if she’s taken in, she’s on her way over. Hi Janet.

J: Good. I’ll look forward to hearing the decisions about the objectives and what you get back from your feelers on Monday.

K: O…k.

J: So what are you currently doing?

K: Err…excellent!

J: And what are you going to do next?

K: Going forward, I’ll touch base with the team and start cascading the workload, so all I need is for the client to give it the nod and it’s all good to go.

K: Err, no problem Janet.

J: Right. I’ll leave you to it and head into town, I’ll see you on Monday.

S: You really did impress her. Have you really done all that work?

K: No, I really haven’t started yet.

S: Then why did you volunteer to take on all that extra work and responsibility?

K: I didn’t realise I had. I have no idea what just happened. Oh no, I’ll have to work all weekend to finish all that, and I’m completely unprepared for this conference call.

S: It appears that you’ve underestimated your talent for business speak.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - The "I Love Elvis" Mug (Series 003, Episode 002)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Thu, 9 May 2013 14:45:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here (opens in a new window)

Episode 2 - The "I Love Elvis" Mug (Slow)
Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.

(Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com')

Susan: Keith, you’ve stolen my mug again! Do you do this just to wind me up?

Keith: Oh, I am sorry, the pictures are similar, I get them confused.

S: Rubbish! Your mug has got a picture of a woman whose clothes come off when you put hot water in it, and mine’s got a lovely picture of a whale.

K: Well…the lettering looks the same, it’s easy to mix them up.

S: Hmm. Well it doesn’t matter anymore, I have a new mug, so now if you nick one, I can just use the other.

K: Ooh, what type of mug is it?

S: It’s an “I love Elvis” mug, there’s a picture of him, and it says “I love Elvis”, and look! The lettering is completely different to yours so even you can’t get confused.

K: Well, that is fancy. Shall I stick it in the cupboard with the others for you?

S: Oh, thank you, you are kind.

K: So it says “I love Elvis” does it? Not for long. Eh! Eh! Eh!

Later that day …

S: I see you’re using the “I love Elvis” mug, you fiend.

K: Oh, so I am, that was clumsy of me.

S: No matter, I have my original cup. Oh hi Janet, if you’re looking for those files you wanted, I put them on your desk.

Janet: No, I got the files thanks, I’m looking for my mug, you don’t happen to have seen it do you? My daughter gave it to me for my birthday. It’s quite distinctive, it’s got a picture of Elvis on it and it says “I love Elvis”, I can’t think where I put it and I’d hate to have lost it.

K: Umm…

J: Oh, you have it, Keith. Why on earth would you use my mug? Don’t you know how annoying that is?

K: Sorry, I took it by accident, I’ll wash it up and I’ll bring it to you.

J: No I’ll take it now, and wash it up myself, seeing as you’ve finished with it. Hang on, have you written on it? You cheeky so-and-so, you’ve changed the “I love Elvis” to “I love Elves”. Was that an accident too?

K Sorry, I didn’t realise it was your mug, I thought it was Susan’s.

J: So you purposefully stole and then defaced what you thought was Susan’s mug?

K: I…er…

J: I want my mug back the way it was by this afternoon, and if you can’t wash it off then you are to replace it.

K: Yes Janet.

J: And I don’t want to hear of you stealing or defacing anyone else’s mug. Is that clear?

K: Yes Janet.

J: Honestly, I don’t know how we stay ahead of our competitors when we can’t even have a cup of tea without a drama.

…

K: Susan, I thought it was your “I love Elvis” mug.

S: No, Janet must have accidentally left it on my desk this morning. I just have my cup with the picture of a whale.

K: Did you do that just to get me into trouble with the boss?

S: Oh, I am sorry, the pictures are similar, I get them confused.

Water Cooler Notes

"Mug" - a big cup.

"Wind me up" - annoy me.

“Different to” – in formal British English it is best to use ‘different from’ instead of ‘different to’. ‘Different to’ is not wrong anymore because so many people make this mistake that it has stopped being a mistake, but it is still controversial. In informal British English ‘different to’ is fine.

"Clumsy" – careless.

"Distinctive" – obviously different from others.

"Hang on" – an interjection meaning “wait a second”.

"So-and-so" – an informal word for a person who is annoying, or who is disliked, because they behave badly in a particular way.

"Defaced" – ruined/spoiled the surface of something.

The Water Cooler (Fast) - The "I Love Elvis" Mug (Series 003, Episode 002)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Thu, 9 May 2013 14:44:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here (opens in a new window)

Episode 2 - The "I Love Elvis" Mug (Fast)

Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.

(Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com')

Susan: Keith, you’ve stolen my mug again! Do you do this just to wind me up?

Keith: Oh, I am sorry, the pictures are similar, I get them confused.

S: Rubbish! Your mug has got a picture of a woman whose clothes come off when you put hot water in it, and mine’s got a lovely picture of a whale.

K: Well…the lettering looks the same, it’s easy to mix them up.

S: Hmm. Well it doesn’t matter anymore, I have a new mug, so now if you nick one, I can just use the other.

K: Ooh, what type of mug is it?

S: It’s an “I love Elvis” mug, there’s a picture of him, and it says “I love Elvis”, and look! The lettering is completely different to yours so even you can’t get confused.

K: Well, that is fancy. Shall I stick it in the cupboard with the others for you?

S: Oh, thank you, you are kind.

K: So it says “I love Elvis” does it? Not for long. Eh! Eh! Eh!

Later that day …

S: I see you’re using the “I love Elvis” mug, you fiend.

K: Oh, so I am, that was clumsy of me.

S: No matter, I have my original cup. Oh hi Janet, if you’re looking for those files you wanted, I put them on your desk.

K: Umm…

J: Oh, you have it, Keith. Why on earth would you use my mug? Don’t you know how annoying that is?

K: Sorry, I took it by accident, I’ll wash it up and I’ll bring it to you.

K Sorry, I didn’t realise it was your mug, I thought it was Susan’s.

J: So you purposefully stole and then defaced what you thought was Susan’s mug?

K: I…er…

J: I want my mug back the way it was by this afternoon, and if you can’t wash it off then you are to replace it.

K: Yes Janet.

J: And I don’t want to hear of you stealing or defacing anyone else’s mug. Is that clear?

K: Yes Janet.

J: Honestly, I don’t know how we stay ahead of our competitors when we can’t even have a cup of tea without a drama.

…

K: Susan, I thought it was your “I love Elvis” mug.

S: No, Janet must have accidentally left it on my desk this morning. I just have my cup with the picture of a whale.

K: Did you do that just to get me into trouble with the boss?

S: Oh, I am sorry, the pictures are similar, I get them confused.

Water Cooler Notes

"Mug" - a big cup.

"Wind me up" - annoy me.

"Clumsy" – careless.

"Distinctive" – obviously different from others.

"Hang on" – an interjection meaning “wait a second”.

"So-and-so" – an informal word for a person who is annoying, or who is disliked, because they behave badly in a particular way.

"Defaced" – ruined/spoiled the surface of something.

The Water Cooler - The 4 o' Clock Cake Break (Series 003, Episode 001)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 23:51:00 +0200

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com'

The Water Cooler

Click above to listen. You can get the mp3. here (opens in a new window)

Episode 1 - The 4 o' Clock Cake Break
(first published in "the AngloKlaxon", free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com')

Susan: Good morning.

Keith: Hi, I’m Keith, you must be the new girl in accounts. Susan isn’t it?

S: Yes, that’s me.

K: How’s your first day been so far?

S: Oh not bad, just getting to grips with the new computer system, meeting everyone, finding where everything is and doing the admin.

K: You’ll be settled in in no time. What firm were you at before?

S: I was at Pierson’s as an accounts assistant.

K: Which means that this is a bit of a promotion?

S: Yeah, it’s a lot more responsibility. I’m a bit nervous, but I’m looking forward to getting stuck in. The team seems nice.

K: They’re really good guys, generally, but there are one or two practical jokers.

S: Anyone I should watch out for?

K: You’ll figure them out pretty soon. I’m sure you’ll be fine as long as you stick to the office traditions. Which reminds me: what cake did you make?

S: Cake?

K: Yeah, one of our oldest traditions is that when someone new starts they bring in something for the four o’ clock cake break. Didn’t anyone tell you?

S: No, they didn’t mention that.

K: Oh dear. Well, it’s not the end of the world; you’ve still got time to buy one. I doubt anyone will mind too much that it’s not home-made, just so long as you’ve made the effort. Well, I ought to get back to work, see you later.

Later that day…

Janet: Keith?

K: Yes Janet?

J: Can I have a word?

K: Actually I was just about to…err…

J: It won’t take a second.

K: Err, ok.

J: I’ve just had Susan asking me where the nearest bakery is so that she can buy something for the four o’ clock cake break. Do you know anything about this?

K: Err…No.

J: Because she said she was glad you told her because she didn’t want to get on the wrong side of the staff on her first day by coming in empty-handed.

K: Ah yes, it might have been me who told her.

J: But Keith, we don’t have a four o’ clock cake break.

K: No, but I thought it might be good for moral if we started to have one.

J: She seemed under the impression that we always had one.

K: Maybe she misunderstood what I said.

J: Was it also a misunderstanding that made her believe that by tradition, as the new employee, it was her who had to buy the cakes?

K: Well…what is a tradition anyway? It’s just something that happens because it’s always happened. They all have to start sometime, it’s just a coincidence that this tradition has started now…

J: Keith?

K: Yes Janet?

J: You will apologise to Susan and pay her back for the cake.

K: Yes Janet.

J: And leave her alone for pity’s sake, it’s the poor girl's first day.

Water Cooler Notes

It was her who had to buy the cakes - this is grammatically incorrect, it should be "it was she who had to buy the cakes", but it is a mistake that is often made.

Ltd – abbreviation for ‘limited’, it refers to the way a business is set up. If ‘ltd’ follows a company name, it means it is a private company limited by shares or by guarantee. This basically means that if the company owes money that it can’t pay and goes into debt, the shareholders and owners are not liable for the debt, their liability is limited, and they won’t have to pay the debt.

In accounts – in the accounting department of the firm. Office workers often shorten job titles in this way, such as ‘repro’ instead of ‘reprographics’ (the photocopying department), or ‘archives’ instead of ‘the archiving department’. People, especially professionals, sometimes introduce their job in this way saying ‘I’m in banking’ rather than ‘I am a banker’ or ‘I work in banking’.

Getting to grips – learning how to use.

Admin – short for administration, it means red-tape, or paperwork.

Be settled in – be comfortable in a new environment, such as a new house, or new job.

Promotion – a higher position or rank (usually with better pay).

Getting stuck in – starting to work hard.

Practical joker – someone who plays tricks on people to make them look foolish.

It’s not the end of the world – it’s not a really bad situation.

Made the effort – tried to do something.

Can I have a word? – Can I talk to you? (although this is a question, often it is a rhetorical question, a question that does not require an answer, and is just a way of getting someone’s attention).

Coincidence – an accident where two unrelated things occur at the same time.

Leave her alone – stop bothering her.

For pity’s sake – a way of expressing annoyance or anger without swearing or blaspheming (these are called ‘minced oaths’), such as ‘for crying out load’

Monsters - Zombie Butcher (Series 002, Episode 002)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 12:00:00 +0100

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts, transcripts and other materials to help people learn English. Find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

My students all drew monsters for a short exercise. The monsters they drew were excellent and they agreed to write about them for this blog. This monster is from Vong-Kham Souvannavong:

My monster is a Zombie Butcher

A zombie butcher is a revolution in the world of nightmares.

It means that zombies are not obliged to eat raw meat like uncivilized monsters anymore!

My monster is a crazy modern genius inspired by his own hunger! Crazy because he has a butcher knife in his head (he looks like “Zombie Gaga!”) just to threaten humans and to have a monster style, modern because this butcher loves money and genius because he is creating a new world!

This monster has the entire key to succeed in his project! But, he’s still very dreadful in appearance!

At first glance, he does not inspire confidence: I think it is all about the butcher knife in the brain…

There are many humorous (but not politically correct) expressions for being “crazy” or “gaga”. Here are a few:

he’s as mad as a box of frogs

he’s as mad as a hatter

she’s a few cards short of a full deck

he’s stark raving mad

she’s off her rocker

she’s as nutty as a fruitcake

he’s (completely) nuts

she’s lost her marbles

Monsters - The Darkness of Absurdity (Series 002, Episode 001)

hearenglish@gmail.com (Hear English) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 09:08:00 +0100

'Hear English' is a blog that provides podcasts, transcripts and other materials to help people learn English. Find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/.

My students all drew monsters for a short exercise. The monsters they drew were excellent and they agreed to write about them for this blog. Our first monster is from Coralie Altmeyer:

The name of my monster is Darkness of Absurdity

Description:

My monster is supposed to be a night terror, but, from all appearances, he likes to laugh. But, it does not work because he instills physical fear. My monster is lonely, sad and abandoned.

It is the darkness!

"To instill fear" or "to instil fear" means "to make people feel fear"; "to make people scared".

Here are some other ways of using the word "fear" in English:

To overcome fear – to stop being scared

To live in fear – to always be frightened

He didn’t go in for fear of waking the monster – he didn’t go in to avoid / because he was scared of waking the monster

To prickle with fear – to have a tingling feeling because you are scared

To put the fear of God into someone – to really frighten someone

To fear that someone is wrong – to believe that someone is wrong

To fear for someone’s health – to be worried about someone’s health

Never fear – do not worry (often used ironically)

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread – inexperienced or rash people will do things that wiser people are more cautious of