Heartaches and Heels...

What I've learned in 43 years.....

2013-05-08T10:17:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've written. Oh how I've missed it! It gives me an outlet to work through my feelings, which sometimes get swept under the rug, while I'm dealing with everyone else's feelings! Ha! I have to say that even when I'm not blogging (a.k.a working though life by writing) I'm still blogging in my head. I've learned to process things fully, instead of spewing my first reaction, which, let's face it, can be illogical, unflattering and downright divisive. In the past few years, I have grown as a person. I have learned that life is one amazing opportunity. I've learned that you need to have goals, you need to be kind, and you need to not ever put so much stock into one person that you lose yourself. (As wives and moms, we do this a lot.)

I've come so far since the heartbreak that left me crumpled on the floor of my closet, wondering how I was going to pull it together and act like everything would be fine. I've learned so much from when I was at my lowest point, feeling like I had Just. Lost. Everything. In fact, I've learned so much, that this little blurb won't do it justice (guess I'll have to write a book) ;) But, in light of the fact that I just had a birthday (Thank you, God for another year) and I had a beautiful morning to write, I thought I'd share what I've learned in this life so far.

Always be kind. Even when you don't want to be....trust me, it will feel better later.

Always be working toward a goal. Coasting can be mistaken for contentment.... you can be content and still have goals. Really.

Enjoy the journey. Don't ever get so swamped down by the details that you forget to enjoy your life today.

Be thankful. Even on days when you think there's nothing to be thankful for. Find something, and thank Him.

Love. Love with all of your heart. (In reality...this is all that matters.) With love comes kindness, respect, and happiness.

Accept. Accept people for who they are right now. People cannot give you what they don't have. You need to be able to accept those you love for who they are. Don't try to change them. That's not love.

Accept. Accept that you cannot make someone feel a certain way. Either they do or they don't. If they don't, accept it and move on.

Don't worry. It does no good. It's a waste of your time. Have faith. Give your worry to God. He will take it from you and replace it with faith, trust and hope.

Being a mother is hard. Rewarding, but hard. Love your kids and realize that you are not perfect, and they will love you anyway. (Way too much to insert here... I feel a Mother's Day blog coming on.) ;)

Don't give your opinion to those who haven't asked for it. Seriously, most people do not want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their own opinion, told back to them in order to reinforce their own thoughts. If they do ask, be honest. It's your opportunity to kindly offer them another point of view.

No matter what you're doing, do it well. Whether at work or at home, have pride in what you do, and do it to your best ability. Half-assing is not acceptable. No likes a half-asser ;)

Have integrity. This speaks for itself.

Don't be judgmental. Everyone has to walk their own path. You walk your path.... let them walk theirs.

Forgive. Even those who haven't asked for it. Just forgive. It feels better.

The beauty you have inside will show though... when you're truly happy, it shows.

Be true to yourself. Do not give up your dreams so that someone else can have theirs.

Give what you can, when you can. It feels good, whether it's your time, talents, or money...giving to others is very rewarding...teach this to your kids. They need to know what giving feels like.

Teach your kids to do for themselves. They will be rewarded with a great feeling of accomplishment, and you will be rewarded with time to read, take a bubble bath, go for a walk, etc..... ;)

Read. No matter what it is, just read. I read everything from The Bible, to Cosmo and every kind of thing in between. It's learning and experiencing through the eyes of someone else.... it opens your eyes to so many things the world has to offer.

Care about your health. Care about your body. It's the only one you have. It needs to last. Care for yourself, so you can continue to care for those you love.

Realize that when you are crumpled on the floor, experiencing the worst heartbreak you can imagine, thinking that your life is over, your life is not over. That life may be over, but there is much more life to come. Happiness is a choice. Every single day, it's a choice. Be yourself, live for your dreams, love those around you, and let go of those who cannot give you what you need. Life is a series of choices. Sometimes good choices, and sometimes not so great, but it's your choices that have lead you to where you are today. If you don't like it, change it. You are not stuck. Set goals, take baby steps. Make your life what you want it to be. You can! Always have goals....big, small, long term, and even just goals for today. Have a purpose.Your life can be what you want it to be.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Family...

2012-12-04T16:01:00.000-06:00

This is my first holiday season as a Patterson. Although, I believe we sent Christmas cards to Shanon's family last year, meeting them for holidays was not in the cards. We were in the thick of wedding planning, and time and money were at a premium. The fact of the matter is, Shanon hadn't spent the holidays with his family in years...enter Tracy...hahaha! Now he's got his family and my crazy family to deal with...for all the holidays :):) I know he wouldn't change a thing (well, except maybe to have my kids be more on board, but everything in it's own time...) Shanon is no longer a single guy, on his own program...he's a family guy now, doing family things...Ha! And while I'm sure this is a big adjustment for him, I cannot tell you how excited I am to have another sister, and brother and more nieces and another nephew! More kids! Yeah!

My sister and I, being the only two kids (seven years apart) with only one first cousin, craved more family with whom to share birthdays and holidays... we did our best to re-populate the family, and we did a darn good job! Nikki has some great sisters-in-law that I consider my "almost-in-laws" and I was able to maintain a relationship with some of my in-laws from the ex's family. In fact, this year I really feel closer to my sis on that side, than I ever really have, and I'm thankful for that relationship. (So many were lost in the divorce, I'm thankful that we were able to negotiate our friendship despite everything.)

I'm also extremely thankful that Shanon's family has accepted me as their own. What great people! I love them so much, and I love that while planning our family Christmas, Sheri sends me emails that say, "Hey, sis!" I have a new sister, and I cannot express to you how that feels. This holiday season I am so happy to be able to celebrate with my new family.

The thing is, family is a fluid entity.... I never ever thought about that as a kid. As a kid, it was mom, dad, Nikki, and I. We were blessed with both sets of grandparents (although, Dad's dad died before my birth, so insert Aunt G as the second "grandparent" on that side). We also had great grandparents, and an Aunt, Uncle and cousin. That was our family. I didn't realize that would ever really change, until as I got a little older, we started to lose grandparents, and great Aunts and Uncles.

As the older ones started to pass, other things changed, I got married (enter in-laws). More loved ones passed, Nikki got married (enter more in laws, and more and more and more kids). Kids are born, loved ones pass, people come and go, as in-laws, and suddenly the family doesn't resemble what you once knew.

I was reminded of how dynamic families can be this weekend, not only with the joy that having a new sister brings, but also the strain that some new family members can bring. I was in the position to approach a situation with grace and humility. I did my best to mend what might be considered a sticky situation, and I dug down and found a reason to be thankful for my kids' step mother. I know that I have been hard on the new Mrs. Beal in this blog, but I have to say that she has been kind to my kids, she has taken care of their laundry, and deals with their messes at her house without any complaint (at least not when anyone is around) ;) I appreciate all of that. This weekend, when giving the kids to their dad, I noticed that Eli's suitcase was in the trunk of his dad's car....where it had been for a couple of months. No wonder he had been coming home in exactly what I sent him in! Geez! Poor kid! Here I tried to make things easy on everyone by sending enough clothes down to his dad's house, so we wouldn't have to send a bag every time he went, and the darn thing was still in the trunk 2 months later! So...what did I do? I decided it was time to talk to the step-mother. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked her if she would please see to it that Eli's clothes came inside the house, and if she would make sure that he was showered and changed into clean clothes when he was at their house. She politely agreed, putting her arms around Eli.

Even six months ago, this may have been tough for me, but I realize that I should be thankful that Eli has another adult in his life who cares about him. I should be very thankful that he has a step-mother who is willing to help take care of him when he's at dad's. (God knows his dad needs the help). She and I may never be the best of friends, but maybe we can learn a mutual appreciation for one another. It's an amazing feeling to let go of the bullsh*t, and just be appreciative of what each person in your life has to offer. (And when I say that, I do not mean in a material way...I mean to just appreciate what God given gifts and talents each person has to offer.) If I can accept their step-mother as part of their family, and therefore, and extension of mine, we are one step closer to living in harmony. Our family has changed forever. It's not what I ever expected, but these are now our family's dynamics. My children have step-parents. That's reality. Let me be the one to show the kids what acceptance and appreciation are. Maybe it's a small step, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

I know that it seems like such a simple concept, it's the circle of life, but when you really sit and look at your family, and reflect on how it's changed, I hope you look at each person with love and understanding. Things will change. Life is a journey. Sometimes you choose your family, and sometimes they're thrust upon you. Either way, it's a blessing. Family is a blessing. Period. I'm counting my blessings.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Sad, Mad or Hurt?

2012-11-19T10:03:00.000-06:00

There are some things in life I find extremely unfair.....yeah, yeah yeah, I know..."Life ain't fair!" But that stinks.....

I just wish that everything was fair all of the time. I wish karma was faster. I wish that nice guys always finished first. I wish that being a good person was more appealing that being a jerk. However; that's simply not always the case....and being angry about that doesn't even help.

When I was a young, fiery twenty something, I would just pop off, and tell anyone what I thought. If you didn't share my viewpoint, you were wrong. If you didn't agree with me, you were clearly an idiot. In the case where you pissed me off, or wronged me or my family (in my eyes) I had no problem making your day miserable.... but over the years I lost that fire.

I think it was a combination of maturity, and just learning that all that really did was make things worse. It didn't matter so much with a lousy waitress, poor customer service, or frustrating bureaucracies, but it did matter in my personal life. Yelling made things worse in my marriage. Screaming hurt people's feelings, bitching made me seem.... well....bitchy. Being stubborn and having to have things my way was not a very attractive attribute, and even when I really had something to be made about, like catching my then husband using my credit card for internet porn, screaming and yelling about it only made the situation worse.

I'm not sure if I was trained by a narcissistic jerk to just relent, or if I finally just realized that I felt better, inside, if I could remain calm in the face of adversity....

I've been thinking about this lately, because frankly, I'm pissed. I'm pissed at how unfair this situation is....still is...and has no real end in sight. Not about all of the things my ex did that ultimately led to divorce, and breaking up a family. I'm over that. I'm really not even mad at him anymore. I've worked through all of that. I've really just moved on. Oh sure, there will always be unanswered questions, but they are just questions that no one can really answer...not even him, so there's no reason to dwell on it. Sh*t happens.

What I find so completely unfair and hurtful is the fact that even now, two years later, there are still people who I love very much, and would only even want the best for, who still cannot manage to be happy that I'm finally happy. I'm still fighting the same battles....and I'm pissed. But I feel like I'm not allowed to be pissed...like I wouldn't be a good person if I just said, "I AM SO PISSED!!!"

That said, I know that anger comes from hurt, and what I am is hurt, but there are days when I'd just like to be pissed. Yell, scream, and hand out punishments, like grounding people! But I can't.

I have been loving, understanding and respectful. I have given time and space, but it's what you do with that time, and no one is trying to heal. People are perfectly happy saying that this just is what it is....well, I'm sorry. That's just not fair, and it's not right. Not after what I have gone through to get back to a happy place.

For several years of my life, I was miserable. I cried myself to sleep, I couldn't eat.... I knew that life, as I knew it, was over. I knew that our family would never be the same. I knew there was absolutely nothing more I could do about it, because I had tried for years. I would think that seeing such a change in me.... now I can eat, I can sleep, I feel good, I'm happy...I'm not just going through the motions everyday...I'm living every day...and not just for my kids, but also for myself....I would think that would be enough for people who love me to say, "hey...ok...maybe we don't like your choice, maybe we don't like the situation, but we love you and we're here for you and we will always be here for you." Unfortunately, that just hasn't happened.

Why am I so hurt, mad, pissed? Because of this unwillingness, to change, or get help, or talk through it, or whatever needs to happen... I may never be able to celebrate the holidays in my home, with my husband, and all of my children together...and that not only stinks...it hurts!!! To make matters worse, I'm told that I "chose this" ?!?!?! What??? I never chose this.

First of all, how can you choose who your heart loves? Second, I did choose to get married, but I'm not the one choosing to separate my family into categories.... ok, I can be with the kids, but not my spouse... oh, now I can be with my spouse, and some of my kids.... oh, now I can be with everyone except a couple of the kids...it's like a never ending puzzle, how to figure out holidays and special occasions. Add to that, the fact that I have to share the kids with their dad...it's a cluster of vast proportions....no, this I didn't choose.

Bottom line, we are past the fact that our family crumbled from a divorce. We are past the fact that Mom's remarried....it's time to work on our new relationships. It's not just going to happen....it's obviously going to take work. In the last couple of years, we should have grown as a family. So many things have happened to strengthen our bonds. So many trying times, should have given us the resolve we need to say that nothing will ever come between us...

That's what I want to hear... nothing will ever come between us...we are too strong a family to let things come between us...if I say it enough, if I pray it enough...maybe it will eventually be so..... for now....I'm putting together the pieces of the puzzle....but I need help.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Giving Thanks....

2012-11-16T17:38:00.000-06:00

So SOMEONE (cough cough...Stacey...cough) has sort of asked me to start blogging again...and I had been thinking about it, but just hadn't sat down to do it.... well..... Stacey....ARE YOU HAPPY???

There's been so much going on since I last wrote, I don't even know where to start. There's so much swirling around in my head (and heart) right now I don't know where to begin. But Thanksgiving is coming up, so being Thankful is always a good place!

I am so Thankful that I have a job in Mahomet schools....not full time, but at least I'm working and meeting people, and have my rather large"foot in the door", so to speak, :):)

I am Thankful to be able to work in my kids' schools, and be home when they get home. I'm thankful to have such a fulfilling job, a job that I can actually see the kids learning, and the little light bulbs in their brains going on!

I am thankful for happy, healthy children. I love each and every one more than words could ever express, and 4 out of 6 have consented to coming home for Thanksgiving despite the "step parent issues" that still exist. (More on this later....but not in my "Thankful" blog.) Right now I will say that I am Thankful to be able to host my entire family for Thanksgiving.

I'm Thankful for my parents. So many people my age have lost their parents, and I am so thankful that they are still here to not only celebrate the holidays, but just to be in my life daily. Love you mom and dad.

I'm thankful for my sis and brother in law and all of my crazy little nieces and nephew. I'm even thankful for the "almost in-laws" I have in Jason's family. Love you all!

I am thankful that I am healthy and happy, and went through a horrible, trying time in my life, and am still here to talk about it, no worse for the wear, just older and wiser..... and I am very thankful for my best friend, the man who helped me through it. I am thankful for Shanon, my husband. No one really realizes what he does not only for me, but also for the kids every single day. I can honestly say, as the person who takes care of everyone, all the time, I have never been taken care of by another human being (aside from my parents, obviously) the way that he takes care of me every day, and I know that I don't say thank you enough to a person who always puts me first. So thank you, baby. I love you.

Now.... I guess that I should say that although I'm thankful for all I've been given, I am still struggling with certain relationships. I don't want to call anyone out specifically, or make anyone mad, so I'll just say that I'm constantly praying for healing for my family. I really thought that by now, we would be healed, as a family, and moved on, but again, I guess it's not meant to happen on my timeline. God will answer my prayers in His time...I just wish he'd hurry up!!! I don't know what else to do, other than pray....

As I'm writing this blog, so much is flowing into my mind...but for now I want to give thanks. I am so grateful for all that I have..... another day, another blog.... I will catch everyone up on life in Tracy's world....but today I am just Thankful..... and I'm thankful for my many friends, and the lives my writing has touched.

Even when life is not perfect, we have so much to be thankful for...not just in November...but every day!!!!

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Peace, Love and Understanding....

2012-10-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

that's how a dear friend of mine signs her emails....Peace, Love and Understanding..... that really says it all....

I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and believe me, I'm wearing my pink ;) But it's also Bullying Prevention Awareness Month. In light of that, I thought I'd take a few moments and share my thoughts....

As a kid, I was tall, skinny and needed braces on my teeth..... we didn't have "bullying" laws....we didn't even consider the fact that bullying was a real issue among our generation, but if being called names, and being made fun of for your physical appearance is considered bullying, then I guess I was bullied. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming bullying for my less than stellar grade point average in college, I'm not trying to say that it took over my life, or depressed me to the point that I holed up in my room. I'm not blaming bullying for poor life choices, or low self esteem, I'm simply saying that, in reality, unless you were the most beautiful, or most popular, you have probably experienced some form of bullying.

Here's the way I see it.... even to this day, I have allowed myself to be bullied. I have, in the name of peace, allowed certain things to slide. I have learned to ignore, and I have grown a thick skin to name calling, screaming, yelling and intimidation. I am an adult. Unfortunately, there are people in my world who are bullies. One, in particular, but for the sake of peace, I won't name names. To this day, I am regularly assaulted by text, and internet. I am threatened and called names, whenever my bully takes a notion to do so.

In this day and age of Internet anonymity, bullying has become more and more prevalent. Cowardly people, under the cover of email and social networking are bullying our youth, and it doesn't stop there. I'm sure, by now, everyone has seen the video of the overweight reporter who was bullied by email. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLG5EmC2TsU She took a stand, and she made a good point.... if you are a bully, you are raising bullies. If you are home, using foul language, and calling people names, so are your children. If you are watching tv, saying, "look at that fat reporter" your children will go to school and call people fat.

I have seen this with students and children with whom I'm close. Admittedly, I have even seen this in my own children, at times. When children are raised in an environment where foul language, name calling, and intimidation are acceptable forms of communication, and a common way of dealing with issues and treating people, these kids not only believe that that is an acceptable way to act, but also do not even recognize that they are themselves becoming bullies. Children raised in homes where bullying is the norm do not even understand that what they are doing is bullying. How can they? They see dad yelling, screaming and name calling. It becomes the norm.

To teach children that if you don't agree with someone, it's ok to call them names is an atrocity. To teach children that they do not need to be tolerant of the differences they might have with others is reproachable. To teach children that the way to deal with issues is to scream, yell, and name call, is not only a disservice to them, but also to our entire world. Bullies raise bullies...what that means for us is that we won't have peace in our homes, schools, communities, or even the world, until we start living by example. We can't live and let live until we start practicing peace within ourselves. It starts with you. It starts with one person. It extends to all who you touch, everyday. When you have an inner peace, you exude that. You live it, your children learn it. They learn patience, peace, tolerance and understanding.

The ever elusive "world peace" that each and every Miss America Contestant longs for, starts with one person....you.

And while I do not claim to be perfect myself, with this problem of bullying becoming a national epidemic, I am making a promise to myself and to my children to try to set a better example. One of peace, love and understanding.....

Life is short. Buy the shoes ;)

Respect yourself.....

2012-06-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I asked my Facebook friends to give me their best piece of advice. Something that they have learned from being a woman....maybe something that they learned the hard way.... There was a lot of really good advice on there.... there were things as simple as make sure you always have your cell phone charged, and always have a $20 tucked away for emergencies. There were also very profound thoughts such as: "Let your life be the light that God has naturally intended it to be" and " Sometimes, finding out who you really are inside happens when you run out of easy options. When you face the hardest stuff is when you first face who you are." One of my favorites was, " Always find time to laugh with your girlfriends." I would invite you to go to my Facebook page to read the full list.....or maybe I can copy and paste it at the end of the blog..... either way, it's really worth reading. I enjoyed reading all of the posts, and I am still in awe of my many girlfriends, and what they have all learned and accomplished throughout their lives.

As you know, I have two daughters myself, one married, and one still in those very scary teen years. I can give them all of the advice I have to offer, I can show them right from wrong, and I can tell them what I've learned from my mistakes, but the bottom line is, you have to walk your own path. You have to make your own choices, good and bad, and you have to live with the consequences.....and sometimes, bad choices make the best learning experiences.

I think as mothers, sisters, aunts, friends....we need to impart as much wisdom as we can, not only while our girls are young, but all the way throughout the different ages and stages of life. I know when all else fails, Mom is always there. Even when I was going through things she couldn't even imagine going through (because my Dad is a good man and would never hurt my mom) she was still there with the comfort only a mom can offer.

Here's the bottom line. You start off "adulthood" thinking you know it all. Thinking you are going to take life by the horns. Thinking that you are unbreakable....and then, after a little heartache, a little disappointment, and a lot of hard work, you figure out who you really are.

The first time I got married I was so young. I thought that love was all we needed, much like the Beetles song.... the problem with that concept is that BOTH parties have to feel that way. I was told I was too young, I didn't listen. I was told we'd never make it, which only added fuel to my fire. But one person can't do it alone. You cannot have a partnership....let alone a marriage.... with only one interested partner. This is where, the "trust your gut" and "know who you are" advice comes into play, however; you can't "know who you are" when you're still a kid. You haven't figured it out yet. I had no idea "who I was" when I was 16 or 17. You can't begin to understand the consequences of your choices until you have a full formed frontal lobe... TWENTY-FIVE, people!!! That's when you start to be able to reason, and use logic...25!!!! No one should marry before that!

As women, we don't really have a good understanding of who we are, and want we want and need from a partner until we are in our 30's. I know there are no hard and fast rules, and I know that there are plenty of you who married young, and it's true love, and everything worked out great....but you can't tell me it was easy. Marriage is sometimes tough, and you really need to have not only love, but also an understanding for who you are as a person, and a mutual respect for your partner. That's what will carry you through the tough times. That and a very strong commitment to the relationship.

The first time around, for me, I never felt respected. I didn't realize what that even meant when we were first married. But my mom's words ring in my ears, "If he respects you, he'll wait." She was right. There was never that respect. It didn't mean anything to me, until I knew who I was, and I knew that I deserved respect as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman.

There were so many things lacking in my life that I didn't even realize until I went through a lot of heartache, and an immeasurable amount of pain.... but I came through it with a good understanding of what I'm made of.... who I am....and what I want and need. And what have I learned? My best piece of advice? Always respect yourself, even when you don't really know who you are, or what you want from life, respect yourself, and others will have that same respect for you. It's a start....

It hasn't been an easy journey, and I'm still working hard to get where I want to be in life, but I now have a husband who will never let me down, and who will always support me. Having a mature relationship, based on love first, but also mutual respect and a strong sense of commitment is so different from what I've had in the past. It's an amazing feeling, and it's totally empowering. I feel like there's nothing that we can't accomplish together. I also know, in my heart, that anything I set out to do for myself, I have all of the love and support I could ever need.... I love you, honey. <3

Here's all of the great advice I got on my wall..... it's all very blog-worthy......

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Ladies..... I'm thinking about a blog.... can you please give me your best piece of advice for young women. Something you learned the hard way, maybe? Something you feel EVERY woman should know....and I'm talking to ALL of my FB ladies! What's the one rule that all women should live by? — with Tonya Helm-Wagner and 38 others.

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Sue Haas, Laura Lenover Broderick and 3 others like this.
- Katie Palmer Lainhart You are a lot stronger than you ever could imagine you could be. Don't ever let anyone take that from you. Everything happens for a reason, you may not see it at first, but there is a reason.
  June 8 at 8:55am · · 3
- Deb Probasco Shonkwiler never lose who you are for anyone or any circumstance, stay true to yourself, your beliefs and your morals.
  June 8 at 8:56am · · 4
- Trysta Jeanette Horton Never forget who you are deep in your core. If you get lost, go back to the beginning, back to the core. If you don't know what your core is, do some self-searching and find out who you are. Once you know who you are, no one can change you. Not peer pressure or a man, not style or jobs, not kids or even death. And when life throws you loops, and it will, you will be rock solid in who you are to stand firm. Good luck!
  June 8 at 8:58am · · 2
- Angela Beal All women should have balls.
  June 8 at 9:13am · · 4
- Tracy Haas Patterson I do.....they're on my chest ;)
  June 8 at 9:14am · · 4
- Cindi Beal Always keep some degree of independance for yourself!
  June 8 at 9:20am · · 4
- Nikki Jason Haas Reynolds Hmm 1. God will not bring something to you that you can not handle. HE knows how strong you are even if you don't. 2. Don't do something if you can not handle whatever comes next. 3. Family is the most important thing, they will always be here for you. 4. There are many types of families what is normal for one isn't for another. 5.After you have kids your whole life and way of thinking is different. God answers all prayers, some answers are just no and not right now.
  June 8 at 9:22am · · 6
- Katie Palmer Lainhart Always find time to laugh with your girlfriends.
  June 8 at 9:22am · · 5
- Nikki Jason Haas Reynolds Oh and always stand up for yourself and don't back down ;)
  June 8 at 9:22am · · 5
- Charlyn Charlie Hester Sometimes, finding out who you really are inside happens when you run out of easy options. When you face the hardest stuff is when you first face who you are.
  June 8 at 9:33am · · 4
- Dina Shepard Williams My biggest mistakes have happened when I did not listen to myself, my gut, intuition... However you describe it for yourself. I always tell my daughter that she knows herself better than anyone else, and her advice for herself should be most important.
  June 8 at 9:48am · · 3
- Holly Vice You can do anything on your own. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you can't.
  June 8 at 9:51am · · 3
- Paige Gettinger Twer ‎1. You know what's right. You know what's wrong. Now, do what's right. 2. Stand up for what is right...even if you are standing alone. 3. You can never be responsible for someone else's happiness. (Believe me -- I spent years stressed out because I was trying so hard) 4. No matter what you do, I could never love you any less -- or any more than I do.
  June 8 at 9:53am · · 3
- Tracy Haas Patterson I could not agree more about not being responsible for someone else's happiness.... as women we want everyone happy....we really have to learn that it's not our job.... every person has to be responsible for their own happiness....you can't "make" people happy....
  June 8 at 9:56am · · 6
- Tammy 'Cole' Baird Believe in yourself, do not wait on others to believe in you. 2. Be able to make yourself happy. Do NOT rely on others for your happiness you will never be satisfied (just learned this a few yrs ago) 3. Be a leader, not a follower. The followers always end up tainted, torn and burdened (learned this the hard way as well). 4. Know that when you are doing the right things the one's who aren't truly respect you even though they don't say it or show it. 5. Know that you are beautiful and beauty goes more than just skin deep. XO
  June 8 at 10:18am · · 3
- Jeannie Filicsky Play nice. Follow your gut instinct. Be responsible for your own happiness. Always have a hidden $20 in your wallet for emergencies. Keep your girlfriends close to your heart.
  June 8 at 11:10am · · 5
- Jeannie Filicsky And buy the shoes ;)
  June 8 at 11:10am · · 6
- Laura Lenover Broderick Always keep God #1 in your life. Put your trust in Him and he will always lead you in the right direction. Fully trust and believe in how much He loves you and never waste time worrying about what others think of you. Acknowledge your mistakes, believe that you have been forgiven, forgive yourself and keep the past in the past. Always remember that your life is made up of choices. You can choose to be happy and seek and give joy. Bloom where you are planted and the happiest people are those that are happy and content in their circumstances, whatever they may be. God has bigger dreams and plans for us than we can ever imagine. Don't limit yourself by trying to plan everything without His input. It's not about the destination - it's about the journey. When you're in the midst of a bad situation, remember this too shall pass and keep your head up and don't miss the lesson. Love others as He loves us. Life works the best when you take the focus off of yourself and put it on those around you.
  June 8 at 11:28am · · 5
- Gretchen Pfeifer-Chantos Every woman should have enough money saved up and stashed away in case of an emergency.... for example u husband is cheating and u wanna pack up and leave because you realize he would never let u leave and take ur kids. Always be proactive and prepared.
  June 8 at 12:05pm · · 2
- Benna Cunningham Be yourself. Plan for the future, live in the present. Love is all that really matters. It is truly that simple.
  June 8 at 1:35pm · · 2
- Bird Bahnson Wow, that's all great advice!
  June 8 at 3:07pm · · 2
- Susan Cunningham Judy Bloom said it best in "Forever" : "Once you go all the way, you can never go back to just holding hands."
  June 8 at 3:10pm · · 4
- Lori Johnson Heil · Friends with Elaine Stone
  Don't count on another person for your happiness, you'll be disappointed every time!
  June 8 at 4:19pm · · 3
- Julia Stockwell Reynolds ‎1. Don't cook fried chicken on a pizza pan with holes in it. 2. First the peanut butter, then the jelly. 3. Baking powder and baking soda are not the same thing.
  June 8 at 5:41pm · · 6
- Sue Haas Always be truthful to yourself. Lies don't help you or anyone else. Never say you can't do something. You can do whatever you need to do. Don't start a fight but defend yourself if someone starts a fight with you. Be faithful to God. He knows what road you are to travel and willbe right there with you. Tell your loved ones everyday that you love them. They could be gone tomorrow. Don't hold a grudge it just wears you out and solves nothing. When you write down a recipe write down all the ingredients.
  June 8 at 7:49pm · · 1
- Sue Haas If you are dating always have enough money on you to call home if it goes south. These days I guess you would need to keep your cell phone charged and with you..Never settle for someone just to have a man on your arm, wait for the real thing to come your way. Always have. 1/4 tank of gas in your vehicle,
  June 9 at 5:30am · · 4
- Anneashtonmaddiemianna Sawyer · 6 mutual friends
  Let your life be the light that god has naturally intended it to be:)
  Tuesday at 7:42pm · · 3
Write a comment...

it's been a while.....

2012-06-05T10:20:00.001-05:00

Well.... it certainly has been a while since I've sat down to blog. There has been A LOT going on! No time to write (or read....two of my favorite activities!) Between working full time, planning a wedding, and being a busy mom of six, there's just not enough time in the day. However; I have the summer off, thanks to choosing a profession where summers off is one of the perks, and an amazing husband who is working hard, so I can relax and enjoy my kids... All. Summer. Long.

Of course, the kids will spend some time with their dad, but while I've got them, they have swimming lessons and basketball camp, and we plan to swim, play, and enjoy our time off. Christian is studying in London this summer....well, I don't know how much "studying" there will be, but they do call it, "studying abroad" so that's what I'm going with. Nick is sort of a traveler right now. He goes between here, Indiana, and Kentucky. One never knows where he might pop up. He and Taylor just spent the weekend with us, and I thoroughly enjoyed their company. Maddie is home with me right now, and I can't wait to do girly things, because when she's gone, I'm alone with a big bunch of boys!

While I really enjoy my "me" time writing, and drinking coffee in the morning, I really have no idea what direction to take this blog. I got so much feedback last summer when I was pouring out my heart about my ex, and all of his shenanigans, and how horrible that felt. But to tell you the truth, I have nothing left to say about that. I was in a different place last year, and I needed to write to heal. It worked. I have nothing bad to say about anyone. I have no "shocking" stories left. I know that my writing may still irritate certain people, but I really have no idea why. I guess people who thrive on drama will always look for drama.

I am so incredibly content right now....life is just good. We just had the wedding of the century! I swear I could not have imagined that day, or entire weekend any better. We were surrounded by friends and family, and you could just feel the love. The cocktail hour, the ceremony, the dinner, the music, the cake, the dress....it was all perfect... AND... I got to marry the guy who calls me princess, tells me I'm beautiful and makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE DAY..... and what's even better, is knowing that that will never stop. Despite everything I've been through, I still believe in love. I still believe in romance, and I still believe that true love doesn't fade.

Besides marrying my best friend, the best part of our wedding was being able to see friends and family that we haven't seen in ages. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends. I love every single one of you who were able to come and be a part of our special day....and the icing on the cake? I have a new sister. Shanon's sister, Sheri, brought her family. It was the first time we met. I love her already, and as an added bonus...she has the most adorable kids. My new nieces and nephew, Christopher, Abigail and Lillian. How exciting is that? I cannot wait to make a trip to South Bend and spend some quality Aunt/Niece time together....I've already promised pedicures! (I've also promised Christopher, who showed up in a Notre Dame jersey, that he was going to be getting some ORANGE in his wardrobe!)

I've had a whirlwind couple of years..... a lot has happened...some good, some bad, some horrible, some great.... but the truth is, I'm settled in to my new normal. I'm settled into my new life and my new marriage. I'm just at peace....finally. Will things always be even keel? Never! But right now, I'm taking time to enjoy life....do some much needed things for myself, and plan the next chapter.... master's degree? Buying a house? Yep.... all in due time. Right now I'm just an at home mom, enjoying her kids this summer.....

P.S. I'm trying to include our slideshow from the cocktail hour in this blog....please enjoy (cross you fingers that I can get this to work) ;)

http://youtu.be/_JTbTddbCFI

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

<--- actual wedding shoes :):)

For my mom....

2012-05-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

Mom, You taught me all I know, not only about motherhood, but also about womanhood. I have watched you rejoice as a mom, a wife and a woman, and I have learned from you as you have persevered through the hardest of times. The example you've set for me as a wife and mother is unmatchable, and the model you've shown me as a wife is all but unattainable.

You are loving, patient and caring. You always put others first, but care for yourself enough to know your limits. You have raised two very strong women, who love you and try their best to be the same kind of mother to their kids that you are to them. You raised me, a stubborn child, an April baby with a diamond birth stone, and the sign of a Taurus. Did you have a clue what you were in for? My smart mouth got me in trouble more than once, but we usually ended up laughing. My stubbornness proved to be my downfall more than once but you always seemed to see it as an asset...which it has proven to be, many times. ( I guess you just have to learn when being stubborn can work to your advantage, and when you should let things go.)

You have been my best friend, and my biggest fan. Your encouragement has seen me through the worst of times. You have literally never let me down...not one time. How many people in your life can you say that about? When my world came crashing down, and my life seemed to be falling apart...when I had no direction, you were my compass. Maybe you can't be all things to all people, but you are all things to the people who count.

Whether I'm extremely happy and excited or overwhelmed and sad, my first thought is, "I need to talk to mom!" I don't think I tell you often enough how much you mean to me and to our family. I know there have been times in my life when I thought I had everything figured out, and I just took you for granted. I never want to do that again. I don't know how I could have gotten through the last few years without your love and support and now that it's time to celebrate happiness, I don't need anyone else by my side for the good times.

Nikki and I couldn't ask for a better mom or grandma for our kids. We all love you and your unbending, never faltering, loving ways. Our kids are more blessed than they can even realize to have such a woman in their lives. Thank you, mom for always loving me, even when it was tough, and for always being the mom I needed every step along the way. I love you, mama....

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

looking back...

2012-04-23T17:57:00.000-05:00

While putting the laundry away today (after teaching all day, attending an IEP meeting, picking up the boys from school, and getting slushies on the way home) I hung up a basketball jersey that Nick wore in about the 7th grade, when he played travel ball. Clearly, he still wears it. As I was putting it on the hanger, I realized that my kids have so many great memories. Memories of ball teams, tae kwon do tournaments, our church family (and a Mom who sang "The Sunday School" song to wake them on Sunday morning.) They have memories of holidays spent with family, and birthday parties with family and friends. They have memories of siblings being born, and of course, all of the things that brothers and sisters do to annoy one another. I started to realize, that kids are so resilient. Way more resilient than adults. My kids' relationships with their siblings have changed, and grown stronger. They are more mature, and they definitely spend more time being there for one another than they do annoying one another (for the most part.)

It just really hit home that the resilience of kids allows them to bounce back so quickly. I have seen them watching home movies and laughing about how funny they were when they were little. I have listened to them reminisce about how they won their trophies. It dawned on me that all of these happy memories have far outweighed the bad ones. Even though they had a pretty rough couple of years, we are already back to making good memories. Their father and I spent every waking moment trying to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. Even though we didn't get to finish that together, as a unit, it's still the goal. I have to say that I do carry a lot of guilt (I was raised Lutheran....guilt is just as much a part of me as my left arm) for putting those kids through what they went through during the divorce. I wish I could have protected them from the fighting and the graphic stories they heard from their father about his philandering. But the bottom line is that protecting them from what he was doing was making me sick. Literally.

I've said so many times that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids. Your kids need a strong, healthy mom. So I finally had to do what I had to do, which was get out. But, as painful as that whole process was, for all involved, the kids still have so many happy memories. I know at first, the bad overshadows the good, but it seems like all of the good is seeping back in. They are able to look back and laugh. They are able to remember and smile....watching them remember the happy times warms my heart. I have been so focused on starting over, and making a new normal, I forgot that it's ok to look back and be happy, too.

Looking at pictures of my babies, and watching home movies is still delightful. Even though my ex and his wife, like to call me "bitter" I believe they are confusing "bitterness" with a general distaste for them. I don't feel "bitter". I am now able to look back and feel the same happiness that I always have. I'm able to be thankful that I had that life, and I'm always extremely thankful that I have these kids. Do I like what their father did to me and our family? No. Am I supposed to? Do I have to like someone who hurt me so blatantly over and over, and destroyed our family? I don't think so. Does it make me a "bitter" person? I don't think so. Don't we all have people who we dislike, for good reason? Don't we all have people who, for one reason or another, we'd rather not associate with? I think so. Does that make us "bitter"? Not really. Learning who you can and cannot trust doesn't make you bitter, it makes you smart.

My happiness is still so connected to the kids' happiness. I still feel their pain, literally. When they are hurting, it hurts me, but by the same token, I feel such joy in their happiness. Every little step they take toward normalcy, and happiness makes me happy. Seeing their faces light up with laughter, makes my day.... and I realize.... I'm happy if they're happy....and they are happy. The worst part of this storm has passed....

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

finding a balance...

2012-04-18T15:00:00.001-05:00

I am off today, not by choice, but because Eli is sick. He has the croup, which can be a scary thing in the middle of the night. Good thing I'm not a rookie mom. I just sat with him in the bathroom while we let the shower get steamy. After steaming him like a fern for 15 min, he was able to sleep...and so was I.

I know I've said it before in my blog, but hats off to all of you working moms! I'm still trying to figure all of this out. When I got up this morning, I prayed that Eli would feel good enough to go to school.... but of course.... it's Tracy's world....No. Such. Luck. I had to "call in" to work. I sent a text to my principal, and I was terrified because I was recently sick for 2 school days, for which I had to stay home, and I thought he was going to burst something in his head every time I had to call in. I hate to feel like I'm letting someone down. I hate to feel like I'm not meeting anyone's expectations, but by the same token, as a mom, I have to do what my kids need me to do for them, and that has to be my first priority.

Today, Eli needed to stay home, go to the doctor, get on meds, and be under the humidifier, so that's what we did.... and what really chaps my butt? Men don't really ever have to make these decisions between career and kids. That's why I feel like it's easier to work for a woman. First quarter, I worked for a woman principal who was sooooooooooooo understanding about kids' needs. She's a great lady.....clearly she had been a working mom, herself. Oh well, I'm sure eventually I'll find the right fit. Eventually I'll find the right balance and the right job that will allow me to have the best of both worlds.

Currently, I'm looking into getting my Master's degree. I'm starting to get a lot of advice from a lot of good sources. I would love to be a Guidance Counselor, so I think that's the ultimate goal, but I just got off the phone with a counselor from EIU who has a Elem Ed program at Parkland. After talking to him, it sounds like getting yet another Bachelor's degree, first, may be a good route to go. So I would have a B.A. and a B.S. , and THEN start work on my Master's. There's really no down side to this other than the amount of time it would take, and I'm not getting any younger. (Although with all of the classes that I already have, it really wouldn't take that long.) So...these are the things rattling around in my head right now. Hopefully I'll have more insight next week.... I'm going to an informational meeting Parkland is holding, so I guess it was the right time to start asking questions. (Like I always say, it's not my timeline...it's His.)

Eli is turning six this week! I can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible that he is 6 years old! I have been emailing back and forth with his birth mom, trying to figure out when we can meet for his birthday, this year. She's such a wonderful person. I could not imagine my life without Eli, and I can not imagine what she went through in giving him to me. It takes a very special person to be able to place their child for adoption. She will tell you that she has never looked back. She is so pleased with her decision, and so happy that I'm his mom. She and I have an indescribable bond. We are both Eli's moms, but in very different ways. We both want only what's best for Eli. When you set yourself aside, and look at what's best for someone else, amazing things tend to happen. I won't tell you her story, because it's hers to tell, but for my side of the story, our decision to adopt, and everything that followed was nothing but a blessing to our family.

Eli's birth mom is an amazing person, who for her own reasons, was considering adoption for her baby. She had worked with Danny, and knew our family. She saw us as good, loving, stable parents. She wanted her baby to have lots of siblings to play with....boy, did we fit that bill. The adoption process was, for us, as easy as it gets. (Still stressful with all of the hoops you have to jump through, but overall, it was a dream.) Everything happens for a reason.... so many things had to happen in order for Eli to become a part of our family, and yet, it all just fell into place. I feel so blessed by Eli and his birth mom. We are so very lucky to have her in our lives, and for Eli to know that she loves him....it was never about not being loved or wanted. That's important for him to know.

She planted a rose bush for Eli right after he was born, and each year, on his birthday, she gives me a rose from that bush.... it still brings tears to my eyes. I know how hard it was for her to walk out of that hospital without a baby, and for her to go home and plant a rose bush for him.... well.... it just really leaves me speechless.... like I said, she's an amazing lady.

I have so much more that I could write about, but so little time. I'm helping Nick with a paper on Adoption....I have a sick kid home, I swore I'd do laundry today, and it's almost time to pick up Stret from school.... who can we petition to add an extra day into the week? (A weekend day, of course!)

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

this and that

2012-04-05T09:57:00.001-05:00

I'd like to start off by saying THANK YOU to all who made my bridal shower such a special day... my mom and sister for giving me the shower (and Shanon for helping with that). Thank you to all of my loving friends... friends that I've had for 20+ years, and friends that I've recently become close to... and a special family member who surprised me. Family is more that blood, or even marriage. Family is formed in a lot of different ways, and I was so humbled to know that even after something as terrible as divorce, people can choose to remain family. My sister in law, will always be my sister in law, and for that, I am thankful.I feel very loved.

You all truly made that a very special day, and I cannot wait to see you all at my wedding!!!

So I'm off today. This is the first day of my 4 day weekend. Again, I'm most excited about getting my house clean (sick, I know).... I'm also going to get some wedding things done, some Easter Bunny things, and some Tracy things. Hopefully the "Tracy things" will include, not only blogging, but also running and reading. I have Harlan Coben on my Kindle, and ever since Danielle put a kindle app on my phone, I hardly ever play Words With Friends or Draw Something, so if I've left you hanging with games, blame my daughter....or Harlan Coben for being such a great writer.

We get to use Easter as an excuse to have family time this weekend, and I'm excited about that. It's a comforting feeling to go home to Mom and Dad's and be taken care of. In years past, I hosted the whole family for holidays, birthdays, etc. I had the biggest house, and really enjoyed having everyone. Now, I'm in a smaller place, so, while I still host things from time to time, we sort of spread it around, and take turns now, which is great. My sister has a pool, so I'm all for 4th of July at her place.

I only have one little one left, who believes in the Easter Bunny. I probably have one or two more Easter's to play the bunny and hide eggs and baskets. Of course, I will probably always do Easter baskets for all of the kids, but there's something so sweet about little ones who still believe in the magic of the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause. I just love it. So this Easter morning, I will have the joy of watching Eli excitedly hunt for eggs and tear into his basket, and for that, I'm thankful.

There are so many blessings in my life that I'm thankful for right now; I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life. My caring friends, my loving almost husband, my amazing kids....and, I'm also very thankful for my job.

When I go to school every day, we say two pledges every morning. We, of course, say the Pledge of Allegiance, but we also say our school's pledge:

“Today is a new day. A day that I will:
Promise to respect myself, others, and my school,
Learn all I can, practice patience and peace, and make good choices.
A day that I will do my best.”

When you say this with a room full of 7 year olds every day, it begins to make you think. It makes you really strive to do all of these things. Respect myself, and others.... practice patience and peace.... do my best... and every morning I'm reminded, "Today is a new day." So, if I screwed it up yesterday, I get to try again today.

I have to say, that in most areas, I've done pretty well at all of this stuff. I'm a patient mom and teacher. I'm a respectful co-worker, sister, daughter. I make good choices daily.... although there is always room for improvement, but I'm giving myself a B+ on most of this stuff.

Admittedly, there are some people, who are unfortunately in the peripheral part of my life, who I haven't learned how to deal with. Actually, I'd rather not have to deal with them, but alas.....

So....today is a new day....a day that I will promise to respect myself and others.....learn all I can, practice patience and peace,and make good choices.....a day that I will do my best....

I have recently had cause to seriously ponder how I can put this pledge into practice daily, not only for those situations which make it easy, but also those difficult situations that tend to play out in my blog... I'm not going to promise anyone that if you're in my life, you won't make my blog, but I will try to be more respectful. I have taken my kids' concerns to heart, and I've tried very hard not to bring up sensitive matters involving them, in the blog. I've tried to let them have some privacy, and I'm making sure the links don't end up in their friends' facebook or twitter feeds...

By the same token, I can refrain from calling people offensive names. (I believe that may be what caused the backlash from "you know who" last week.... correct me if I'm wrong, JB)

I'm inherently a very sarcastic person, and people will just have to deal with that. It's a part of my personality that's not likely to change, at this point. I have been really working on myself for the last several years, I've become stronger, more patient, more understanding, more open minded, less judgmental, but I haven't seen any change in the level of sarcasm....in fact it may be worse.... I guess it's a coping mechanism.... yeah....I'm pretty sure it's just my personality.... so deal with it....

But the bottom line is, I love the peaceful life I've created for myself. I love our walks to the park, with Eli. I love our talks in the car, when I pick up the boys from school. I love stopping for slushies after school. I love fixing dinner while the boys are in the next room watching tv. I love chilling on the back patio with Shanon. I love my daily life. I love my family filled weekends. I love the feeling of being loved. It's so different from what I previously had in my life. I have no worries about what shoe may drop next.

There are people, who I love, that I do worry about, but I've learned to trust God, and believe that He is in control. I have learned to have a stronger faith. I have learned to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have learned to give my worries to God, and enjoy my life. All I want is peace. I can't control others, but I can control myself, and I can control my reactions. So, I will practice patience and peace. I will respect myself and others. I will do my best to keep the peace in my life that I've created, and I will not validate the drama that others thrive on.

I'm about to have an amazing four days with family and friends. Happy Easter, everyone.....enjoy......

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

follow up

2012-03-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

Well..... I've had time to process the craziness that took place yesterday. I have to say, that I do much better with things of that nature when I sleep on it. I can honestly say that one thing I've learned about myself is that I should not react immediately. My initial response to things like that is to attack. However, if I let it set. Sleep on it, and take a deep breath, I realize that when someone behaves in a certain fashion, I have no control over that. All I can control is my reaction to it. I don't feel like I handled the situation with the self respect, dignity, and grace that I've tried to have throughout all of these really tough times. I've learned how to have more patience, more understanding, and I've had a lot of practice taking the higher ground. The problem is, there are times, like yesterday, that my knee jerk reaction is to give it right back to the drama causing ass faces.

There is some satisfaction in standing up for yourself, and fighting back; however, you can stand up for yourself without feeding into the drama, and that's where I went wrong yesterday. I truly contemplated just ignoring her b.s., but instead of letting it rest, I grabbed the computer and set off to make my point.... and boy did I make my point. I can't say I'm sorry for what I said, or how I reacted. I'm not going to apologize to her, or anyone else. My reaction was totally justified. But, I will say that I'm a little disappointed in myself. I have taken great pride in the woman I've become. I'm proud of myself for coming through the most horrible time in my life, and coming out on the other side, stronger, better and smarter. Smart enough to know that arguing with a child who's not even old enough to have a fully developed frontal lobe yet, is going to get me nowhere. Smart enough to realize that me playing into her hand like that was exactly what she was hoping for. Smart enough to know that if you roll with the pigs, you'll end up muddy.

So, I haven't heard back from MMO, but if I do, it won't make the blog.....well maybe a mention here or there, but I won't post her nonsense on my blog again. That was the last of stepmama drama. I refuse to be a party to her infantile behavior. I won't go back and forth with her on here, or anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, she and I will never have the need to communicate, unless it begins with a big fat apology from her for her asinine behavior.

Clearly she doesn't like my blog...then why does she read it? Clearly she doesn't like me... I'm sure that's mostly based on what her fiance tells her about me. I really don't care. But what's the point of reading my blog, and stalking my twitter? My advice to MMO is to live your life, make friends, focus on your new home and your soon to be husband. Make your new life a happy one, because screaming at someone in all caps about how happy you are, isn't really believable. Spewing venom and shooting insults via email is proof of your unhappiness and misery. Focusing your disdain on someone so peripheral to your life is not only pathetic, it's sad. I am not the person making you unhappy. I am not responsible for your misery. I am not the one you need to convince that you are happy....in fact, I think you were only trying to convince yourself.

I have nothing to prove. I've lived 2 of her lifetimes. I'm proud of who I've become and what I've accomplished. I do not need to put others down, or insult their accomplishments to make myself feel good. I do not need to worry about what others say or think about me. In fact, what others think of me, is really none of my business. The only thing that really matters is how I view myself. Truthfully, I'm probably harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. I am always striving to be a better person, to do better, to try harder, to learn more.... I'm nowhere near being a finished product.... I'm always working on myself. Which is why I realize that I should have read her comment, and then slept on it before I wrote a blog. It would have been a whole different blog. Honestly, today, I almost feel sorry for her......almost.....

Today was a better day.... I'm taking my own advice... today...I bought the shoes (today's photo) ;)

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

You want it? You got it.....

2012-03-23T14:06:00.000-05:00

So... Miss Mail Order is having some kind of a bitch fit that she wishes to include me in..... first off, let me just say that I'm torn between ignoring her rambling nonsense, and tell her the eff off. The new me wants to take the higher ground, post it, like she asked, and leave it alone. I have no intention of going back and forth with this bitch. I'm 41 years old, and I have no intention of engaging in high school bullshit with her. If she came to the U.S. to sit at home, pop out kids and collect "her money" from a Dr., that's one thing, but to play high school games with the mother of her husband's children? I refuse.

We need to get a few things straight, first of all, this is my blog....I'll say what I like. No one will tell me what I can and can't say. Second, I will go ahead and post this comment from Miss Mail Order, but my life is so peaceful and calm without he and his family in it, that this will not be the start of new drama. She can kiss my ass. I am not going back to drama and turmoil, but if that what she thrives on, then she's marrying the right person.

Now, I could get really nasty...I could say things like I'm pretty sure he got her off the discount rack because she wasn't a virgin, but I won't.... wait..... ooops. See, I've been so focused on peace, and love that people are apparently under the mistaken impression that I can be walked all over. Yeah....that's not about to happen. She doesn't need to think that the minute she steps onto U.S. soil that she's going to start with me. Why the hell does she read my blog anyway? She's of absolutely no consequence to me. None. If she had a television show bigger than Oprah, I doubt I'd even watch it.... so she can leave me and my blog alone. Maybe she should start her own blog. She can say whatever she wants about me, and not only will I not read it, or give a rat's tiny little butt what it has to say, I won't comment on it, or start shit with someone who I truly do not care anything about.

So here's what I have to say.... she asked me to publish it, so I will. I know that you all like to FB message me about my blog, but I really think that MMO would love to hear from all of you...so if you have anything to say about this blog, please be kind enough to post it here, where she can read your thoughts.... I'm sure she'd love to hear from my readers.

I could go either way here....post it with or without my commentary..... hmmmm??????

Let's see?????

YOU ARE A BIG TIME HYPOCRITE YOU THAT tracy?(maybe she doesn't understand hypocrite. A hypocrite is someone who says or does the opposite of what they supposedly believe in....like people who "don't believe in divorce" but marry someone who's divorced.)? DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER THAT YOU WRITE ABOUT ME IN YOUR BLOG EVERYWEEK?YOUR SUCH AN IDIOT. IF YOU TRULLY ARE A SMART WRITER THEN YOU SHOULD BE MORE CREATIVE YOU KNOW.. IT SEEMS TO ME YOU CANT CANT WRITE AT ALL.THE ONLY TIME YOUR ABLE TO WRITE IS WHEN YOU CRITIZE MY FIANCE,WHICH HAPPEN TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR KIDS(maybe she doesn't understand my blog...it's about my life.... past, present, and future....her fiance was a part of that, and is, as she points out, the father of my kids, so chances of him being in my blog from time to time are pretty high. Although, I will say that since I'm more focused on positivity and my future, he barely makes my blog anymore.) AND THE PERSON WHO SUPPORT YOUR NEEDS.LETS ADMIT IT FOR ONCE,YOUR A PARTIME TEACHER WHO BARELY MAKE SOMETHING,SOYOU NEED OUR MONEY (ding ding ding!!!! OUR MONEY!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! See that???? Her fiance is nothing more than her cash cow!!!!!! I'm so happy she wrote that!) TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT. STOP ACTING LIKE YOUR BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE ,FIRST YOUR NOT. YOUR NOTHING BUT AN EXWIFE.GET OVER YOURSELF.AND ALSO NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN YOUR LIFE IN THE PHILIPPINES,DONT GET IT TWISTED,YOUR NOTHING BUT A WANNA BE WRITER WHO IM SURE WOULD NOT MAKE IT ON TOP, ( I actually love it on top...it's one of my favorite positions.)A BITTER EXWIFE WITH AN UGLY ATTITUDE. (Don't confuse my disdain for you with my general attitude.)

IM A COLLEGE GRADUATE AND TEACHER LIKE YOURSELF. SO START ACTING LIKE ONE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DONT BE TACKY. ALSO WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME MAIL ORDER BRIDE? DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN?(I do have a brain, actually, which is how I know that he went shopping for you on Cherryblossoms.com) ITS FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND VERY JEALOUS OF ME.(Yes, I'm jealous that you are a bitchy little Filipino who clearly had it so bad in her own country, she made one of the worst decisions of her entire life AND she's starting to realize it ALREADY!!!) I WOULD TOO. I KNOW YOUR GETTING MARRIED JUST LIKE ME,DONT STRESS YOURSELF ABOUT ME.HAHAHAH..IT COULD GIVE YOU MORE WRINKLES THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE =) (Awww...how sweet, you're worried about my well being...honey, you are the last person who could stress me out, and you can keep making the "old" jokes, because it's all you've got, but I'm not at all insecure about my age, looks, or intelligence....furthermore, if you want to be brutally honest, you could use some major orthodontic work...maybe you're hubby will pop for braces like he did the rest of his kids.)

ACCORDING TO YOU,YOU ARE SO HAPPY RIGHT? (YES) BECAUSE OF WHAT LIFE YOU HAVE NOW?(YES) IM GLAD YOU ARE. BUT WHY INCLUDE ME IN YOUR BLOG? (Because I can) MY FIANCE? ITS BEEN YEARS(ONE),MOVE ON.AND DONT TELL ME YOU HAVE MOVE ON BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVENT.ANY PERSON WHO READ YOUR STUPID BLOG WOULD SAY YOUR JEALOUS OF ME,(if it's so stupid QUIT READING IT!!!!!!)YOU DEFINETLY ARE NOT HAPPY. WELL MAYBE A LITTLE,BUT YOU ARE NOT TRULY 100% HAPPY LIKE ME.(Which is it? DEFINITELY NOT? Or MAYBE A LITTLE?) ALSO DONT GET YOU HOPES UP ABOUT ME GOING BACK HOME,BECAUSE IM NOT EVER GOING TO LEAVE MY FIANCE.SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU. IM SORRY THAT YOUR PAST HAVE MAKE YOU UNHAPPY. TOUGH SH*T. (Yes...tough shit...shit happens..... you're totally right.... I'm not unhappy about your fiance anymore...we have actually had a couple of lovely talks lately.... and I DO NOT want you to go back home!!!! He's much easier to deal with when he's getting a little...you know what I mean?No, you're exactly the thing I need here to occupy his time so he leaves my and my fiance alone.When he's bored, or lonely he likes to eff with me....so please stay!!!!)

ANYHOW, CRITIZING ME MAKES YOU 10 TIMES FOLD FUGLY.YEA I SAID. (OK...yeah you said...but what the hell did you say? I don't even know what that means....it's either a language thing, or a generational thing, but either way, you're going to have to be a little more clear with your insults.) EXPECT A MESSAGE FROM ME ONCE IN A WHILE BECAUSE I FOR ONE WOULD NOT SIT HERE AND NOT RESPONCE TO YOUR NONSENSE.(Grow up and get over it....quit reading my damn blog, and focus on your new home, husband, etc..... I'm not going to play these games with you. I'm done. The only thing you will accomplish is giving your husband a big giant pain in his ass by acting like an asinine teenager.)YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. LIKE I DONT KNOW YOU. (Thank God)

YOU HAVE A NICE. (Ass???.... thanks, I've been told that a lot.)

P.S

Accept my comment to your blog because last time you did not able to put it. and OH! don't change or alter my message, theres a lil chance you may and be the victim. (Oh I did...enjoy! What's the victim thing? Is that a threat? On the World Wide Web?)

So there you have it, I'm sorry....sometimes taking the high road is too much to ask.... I'll do better tomorrow.

Life's short. Buy the shoes;)

unplug and unwind.....

2012-03-21T11:54:00.002-05:00

What a gorgeous day! True to my word, I've been running, cleaning, and now more blogging. This has been a restful week. It's been so amazingly beautiful outside....I can't believe how great this spring break has been! I have enjoyed time outside every day, the sunshine is so good for the soul. I just feel better when I can soak up the sun, and get some running in. (Although, I must admit, I feel like I've been doing more walking than running this week.) I've logged about 15 miles, or so, and by the end of today, it'll be closer to twenty, and I feel like I've walked at least half of that, but "training" for the marathon aside... it just feels really good to get outside and move around. The treadmill is soooooo depressing!

There has been some activity down in Kentucky. I haven't really processed it, as of yet, so I'm not sure I can blog about it, but let's just say, Miss Mail Order was asking to go back home last night. I guess maybe a divorced guy with six kids ain't all it's cracked up to be? Anyway, when hell was breaking loose, I was trying to have a relaxing afternoon at the salon. So, in the middle of cut and color, I told the ex to just send my kids home. Miss Mail Order wasn't dealing well at all. I told him she was probably home sick and jet lagged, and the kids were just making it worse. (Who's awesome idea was it to have the whole crew down there the minute she stepped off the boat?) Anyway, my phone died while I was at the salon, so I didn't have to deal with it. That's his problem, for sure. I figured he'd ship the kids back first thing this morning, but other than some residual bitching about how messy they are, and how dramatic our daughter is, I haven't heard anything that would indicate they are heading back early. Apparently he's going to be a dad, and ride out the storm with his kids.

Can I just say..... life is so much better when you decide that people are going to be who they are, and you can't control it. Let the haters be hateful, let the dramatic folks have their drama. Life is so much better when you just tune out. Turn off your phone, keep them off of your facebook, twitter, whatever. Get back to the good ol' days, when you didn't read everyone's every move on social media. It really takes a lot of stress away. Tune out of technology, get outside, run, walk, play, whatever. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your spouse, enjoy your life. Let other people's bullsh*t be their own. My week has been peaceful, due, in large part to making the choice to be present in my own life, not other people's. I have to say that what was going on in KY last night, was mildly entertaining, but at the end of the day, my phone died, and I felt a huge sense of relief. I knew my kids were fine. I can't control what goes on at their dad's. I need this time to recuperate from my everyday life. I do not need added drama. So, choosing to unplug, and get outside has proven to be one of the best decisions I've made all month! Sure, I've checked on the kids, but I talk to them, I hear they're fine, and I'm good to go. I can focus on "me time".

Shanon and I have date night planned the next two nights, and there is no phone, or internet allowed. The kids are fine and with their dad. It's our turn to get to be just us.....boyfriend and girlfriend, fiances, whatever you want to call it.... unplugged, and present with one another....and I can't wait! Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? YES!!!!

So....while I was at the salon yesterday, we did a practice "wedding hair" run. OMG! I was so excited! It's going to be so gorgeous! I can't wait! Whitney is a magician with hair...I love her... I was so taken with her vision. It's just perfect. I can't wait to see it all together! Why can't I have a dress, hair, and make up like this everyday?

Everything just seems to be moving so fast right now. It's like I don't even have time for anyone's drama or bull sh*t, because I have a wedding to plan! It's seeped into every minute of every day. Every thought.....it's just taken over. I love it! It's so much fun. But it had me wondering, what am I going to do when this is over? Will it be a huge let down, like Christmas afternoon? I won't be the bride anymore. There won't be anything to plan. No more dress shopping, no more shoe shopping, no more shower planning..... just back to normal. Ugh. I'm no longer the bride.... but I am a wife.... which, I guess is the whole point, but after all of this planning has taken up so much time, so many Saturdays, so many evenings, in bed.... how will I fill that time? I mean, I'm sure I'll find a zillion things to fill it, but I know I'll miss the wedding planning. I cannot believe in 66 days, I'll be a bride, and in 67 days, it'll be over. I guess it will be time to start looking at houses. :):)

It's a gorgeous day, people.... get outside!!!!

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

taking a break...

2012-03-19T11:55:00.001-05:00

Well...

The kids are gone for Spring break. I don't know if I'll ever get used to that. I hate sending them away, but, by the same token, I know they need to see their dad, and it's good for mom to have some "grown up" time. I know I've said this before, but this is definitely the worst part of divorce. Families aren't meant to be apart. It's so unnatural for a mama to send her babies away. It's something that I really don't think will ever seem normal to me. That being said, I'm definitely going to enjoy the down time with Shanon. I love that man. He would stand on his head, naked, on Green Street, if he thought it would make me happy..... hmmmm.....???

This trip to their Dad's should prove to be very interesting. Miss Mail Order has been delivered to the U.S. So, step mama should be getting her wake up call right about now... good luck with the Beal kids, Mrs. Beal....hope you don't have jet lag. Have a nice spring break. Enjoy my children....consider them your welcome to the U.S.... and yes, I know you're an avid reader of my blog...I mean how many other people in the Philippines are really very interested in my life? So welcome.... hope the U.S. is everything you thought it would be.

I know I've talked a lot in this blog about how I'm growing, as a person. How all I've been through has not only made me stronger, but better. I hope that's true. There are always going to be things that work my nerves. There will always be things that I feel the need to vent about. As much as I want this blog to reflect the growth a woman can have throughout the twists and turns that life has to offer, this will always be my place to vent. As much as I'm not setting out to offend people, sometimes, I guess it can't be avoided. Not without a major filter, and the day I start filtering myself, is the day that this blog serves absolutely no purpose. So, yes, I'm happy. Yes, I'm growing, but yes, I still have a long way to go to perfection, and I'm still a woman who's been through a hell of a lot due to the stupidity of a man, so eff em if they can't take a joke..... I'm allowed a snide remark every now and again.

So, this Spring Break, I will have the days to myself and the nights with my man. Sounds pretty perfect. I'm doing some spring cleaning, some running and some blogging. I'm hoping to catch up with some girlfriends, and catch up on some chick flicks.... maybe even read a good book.... any suggestions? I was thinking about downloading Hunger Games on the Kindle. The kids will be back Friday, so it's really just a work week that I have to fill...after that, the babies are back, and my crazy life returns to my crazy normal.

So for the next few days, I will blog...I will catch you all up on my life.... our wedding is getting so close! I'm so excited! My bridal shower is just a couple of weeks away! I can't wait to see all of my girlfriends!!! Everything is just moving so fast right now! In the blink of an eye the "wedding of the year" will have come and gone, and I will be Mrs. Patterson.... thank goodness, because the sound of "Mrs. Beal" is nauseating....

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

time flies....

2012-03-09T09:22:00.000-06:00

I'm off and it's a gorgeous Spring day! Yay! I plan to clean, run, blog, and enjoy my day. Yes, I actually enjoy cleaning my house. I had a day off yesterday, as well. I took the little boys to school, took Christian to breakfast, had my first wedding dress fitting (!) and took Stret's class on a filed trip. It made me remember the days of being an at home mom. Although I'm proud of myself for working outside of the home, I do miss being able to stay home and take care of my kiddos. (Although, when they're in school, there's only so much you can clean and organize.)

I got to go try on my wedding dress. It's SO beautiful.... when she pinned it, I could actually see what it was going to look like when it really fit, and I had a moment.... I've never seen myself in a wedding gown before. I wished my mom could have been there, I wished my girls could have been there, I wishes my sister could have been there. It was one of those moments when you look at yourself, and there are too many emotions to describe....even for me...

I felt beautiful, I felt loved, I felt hopeful for the future. I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm going to be someone's wife again. (I joke that I'm currently "between husbands".) I truly have never seen a more beautiful dress.... I know I'm biased, but it's perfect, and I can't wait to wear it.... I may never take it off....

Everything is just falling into place. I'm not feeling any stress, I'm just excited and happy. My mom is having such great time with all of this wedding planning, I have no idea what we're going to do with her after this wedding is over....I think she may fall into a deep depression.... just kidding.....but really....we'll have to find something else to plan...ha! My bridal shower is coming up, and I am so excited. I feel bad "asking" for gifts. I really don't need anything, I just want to see everyone and it's a really good excuse for a girly get together!

I am probably the least stressed bride ever.... I am enjoying every minute of this. I want to savor it, because this is it. My one and only REAL wedding, that I'm planning. I have an awesome planner over at the hotel, who is also getting married. I love this girl, and she's making everything so easy. She understands my vision....and being a bride to be, herself, she wants everything perfect, just like I do.

Everything is kind of sailing right now with the kids. Everyone seems happy right now. My little boys are doing so well at school, and Stret's such a good athlete, and a great kid! What a joy to have. Who says teenagers are difficult? In his true fifth child fashion, he can really roll with the punches.... I couldn't be more blessed. Elijah is such a joy, as well, and I can't believe that we are talking about planning his sixth birthday party.... when the heck did he get so big??? He's the baby!

Time goes on, kids grow, things change...there are very few constants in life. It's hard to believe that some of my kids are all grown up. I can't believe that my baby is turning SIX.... but most of all I can't believe I'm getting MARRIED!!! Sometimes life takes some amazing twists and turns that you could never have ever imagined in a bazillion years....if you would have told me ten years ago, that this would be my life today, I would have said you were crazy.... but now, today, after so many ups and downs....here we are.... and I can't wait to see what's next.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

kidformation

2012-02-22T17:10:00.000-06:00

Why isn't there some kind of an informational manual that comes with kids? Each one is so different, that even as a mom of 6, I have no clue what I'm doing from time to time. Newborns? Easy. Toddlers? Piece of cake. Preschoolers? Give me a hundred! School age? Yes... I've got 'em figured out. Teenagers? Hit the brakes!!! There are times I'm not only left speechless, but actually dumbfounded.

My firstborn was the easiest kid in the world. I was a teenage mom, and I think God decided to take it easy on me. She slept from day one, always followed the rules, got her organizational skills from her mother, and never broke a curfew. I'm not saying that during her teen years there weren't hormones, and a normal amount of back talk and eye rolling, but all in all, she was a dream from birth through adulthood.

Then I got a wild child. Baby number two.... a free spirit with a good heart. A compassionate, loving brother and son. A bright eyed, light hearted, gorgeous boy with a devil may care grin, who learned very early on that a wink and that smile would get him out of trouble quick. He is the exact opposite of me (and my first born). He's not exactly a rule follower, but as he's quick to remind me, the rules he breaks are "harmless". He's not exactly what I'd call organized, but he seems to be able to keep his act together, make it to class on time, and meet his deadlines. He was always busy, always moving. Never a dull moment. He's funny and entertaining. He's even keel, but when you finally have burned his extremely long fuse, LOOK OUT.

These two are like night and day...and their siblings are everything and every emotion in between. Some who are extremely motivated, some who are more laid back, one with a frightening temper, and one who never gets mad. Some who are neat and organized, and some who's lack of organization is actually noteworthy. Some who's grades are super important, and some who don't care as much about grades as they do about sports. Some who want to please mom, dad, and teachers, and some who are more interested in pleasing themselves. Some who will go with the flow, and some who are so stubborn they make a mule look cooperative.

With so many personalities, it's hard to always say or do the right thing, as a parent, all the time, for each child. Even as adults, it's tough, at times, to remember that they all need something different from me. At age twelve or 13 they still need guidance and to be corrected, at times, but by age 20, all they really need is some sound advice. It's times like these, when as a parent, it's hard to know if you're saying or doing the right things.

Give me a toddler all day long. Even my kindergartner is still so easy. It's love, hugs, snacks, baths, kisses goodnight, repeat as needed. Little kids are still so innocent. But the older they get, the tougher parenting becomes... it doesn't even stop when they are adults, because at that point, you get to figure out how to have adult relationships with your grown children. Oy. I just wish I had a manual for each child. I wish there was some kind of flow chart, complete with a script. (If they do A, then you say, "B")

It's so tough to watch them transition into adulthood, and not want to impose your own values, etc. onto them. When, in reality, all you can do is hope and pray you raised them with the right morals and values to get them through in their lives. I know that watching my "wild child" transition into adulthood has not come with out growing pains for both of us. But I need to realize that my time for molding and correcting is done. We are moving into a new phase of life, one where he's an adult, and I get to stand back and watch him flourish. I know that he still needs mom and dad, like all college kids do, but it's time for me to take a back seat, and let him manage his life without a lot of noise form the peanut gallery.

I know I've raised great kids. Are they struggling right now dealing with a divorce? Of course, but will they bounce back, tougher than ever? Yep! I know they will all get back to their roots. They will all remember their upbringings. Childhoods when we worked before we played. We loved God, our family, and one another. We showed respect for adults and ourselves. We loved our neighbors as ourselves. I know I imparted all of these lessons to my kids. I know that, as adults, they will remember these very important tenants in life. This is how they were all raised.

So while some are rule following, and some are free spirited, they have all been given every ounce of my love, and all of the wisdom I have to impart. I have laughed till I've cried, and loved till it hurt. I have given, and continue to give all I have to give. I love my six more than words can even come close to expressing. I know that I still make mistakes, and I forget how sometimes harsh words can hurt a sensitive heart, but when I'm harsh, it's out of love. If I didn't care, I wouldn't waste my time trying to correct. I wouldn't spend a minute of my day teaching, showing and reminding... It's really so much easier not to.....

I know I have lots to work on, as a mom. I pray for patience and wisdom, as a mother, all the time. I try to always do what's right for every kid. But, God help me.... 25 years, and 6 kids later....I'm still a work in progress.....

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

life, love, and everything in between...

2012-02-13T11:23:00.000-06:00

I just deleted an entire blog about finding joy in the little things...it was so cliche. Really, Tracy? Have you gotten so watered down that you're talking about finding joy in things like butterfly kisses and hot chocolate on a cold, snowy night?

Here's what I'd really like to blog about, and I'm going to have to say, pardon me, if it offends anyone...

First of all, let me just say, that I am truly happy to have my own life. It's a life I've chosen, it didn't just happen to me. Granted, it's still a work in progress, but it's mine. I'm a working mom, working on a new career, and more education to make that career viable. I'm engaged to be married, and it's a thoughtful process this time, not just kids playing house.

I think I'm doing very well at being in a relationship, and working and balancing my kids' needs. I have a very supportive fiance who, God knows, does more for me and the kids, than any man should ever have to, but the bottom line is, he is not their father. Right now, I feel like their father is falling short, and they do not want anyone else to pick up the slack. As a family, all I really required of him was to make the money, and play with the kids, but now, we are no longer a parental unit, and he is flailing terribly. I know the kids hate reading the details of their lives in this blog, so I won't go into detail about how he is failing as the non custodial parent, but suffice it to say that as the custodial parent, I am not happy. I feel like he is failing each and every child in one way or another, and I'm sure he has things he can say about my parenting, but I'm here, and I'm doing everything I can, every day.

I could make a list a mile long of what he could and should be doing, but his answer to everything is to wire them money. Missed your birthday? I'll wire money. Haven't seen you in months? I'll wire money. Oh hey.... I think I'll head to Asia AGAIN, instead of pay for braces or have visitation....but, I'd love to wire you money before I go. His idea of wiring $100 here or there is so that the kids stay happy with him through his downfalls as a parent.

He has had more vacations and time with his mail order bride, then I can even explain to you, while Shanon and I are here, doing the hard part. And PLEASE don't get me wrong. I am so thankful to have my kids here, but I know they would love to see their dad more than once every 2 months. I know that some of the attitude we get from the kids is their misplaced irritation that they don't see their dad enough, and when they do, there is no planning, or warning. It makes no difference what I have planned to do with them, I get an email that says, "I'm taking Stret tonight and tomorrow night." What am I supposed to say to that? Of course he wants to, and should see his dad, but does anybody care what I had planned with him? At that point, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My idea of being a quality parent, and his are definitely two different things. I'm working my ass off as a substitute teacher to pay for Christian school, and basketball, and braces, etc while Dr. Dad takes vacations and buys new cars and tells the kids that their child support is breaking him....riiiiiight. I'm sorry, but it is irritating as hell, to be working as hard as I work while he is constantly running off to play.

Anyway, I'm not going to let the nonsense of having a ridiculous ex ruin my spirits. Even on this cold, gray, snowy day in the dead of winter, in the Midwest, I am happy as hell to have my kids to hug and to hold. Even if we're home today, because the little boys are sick, I'm taking advantage of the snuggle time. I'm going to give my kids an extra hug, I'm going to spend time loving and reading and enjoying the gift of motherhood. I wish all parents could see the gift they were given. They grow up so fast. Take the time. Hug your kids. In a blink, they'll have their own families and you'll be wondering where the time went.

And one more thought..... tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I know that to some, this holiday is just a made up, Hallmark, holiday. It's a thorn in the side to men, looking for the perfect gift. It's hell to single women wishing for roses and chocolates, but really, it's a day to celebrate love. All kinds of love... don't hide from the chance to say "I love you"... a Valentine to your kids, or your mama.... a special heart shaped treat for your dog.... it's about love.... not lovers. Everyone should take a moment to say "I love you", tomorrow....

...and those of us with a hot date with a hot guy this Friday night won't rub it in ;)

I love you....you all know who you are ;)

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

a few things.....

2012-02-07T17:30:00.001-06:00

Well, my "me time" got cut short. The second grade teacher I'm subbing for had her baby, so I had to go back to work sooner than expected....babies can be so selfish! ;)

So, I'm back to work, and extremely grateful for my job, but there were a few things on my "to do" list that didn't get done.... oh well...it'll all be there waiting for me the next day off I have...whenever that may be. Because all of you moms know, that a weekend is not actually a day off. There are practices, and games, and laundry. There are chores, and errands and homework.... and most of all there is time for our loved ones. Date night, church and family dinners.... those are the good things. So my next day off? At home, just me? For chores, and jobs and lists??? Who the heck knows! Maybe sometime in May....maybe not.

So, over the weekend, there was more wedding planning! I can't believe how fast it's moving! We are down to the little details now, which is good. I'm so blessed to have a very involved fiance, a wonderful mom, who wants to be super involved in everything, a great sister, and the most awesome wedding planner over at the wedding venue. I cannot tell you how easy this planning has been. I'm not stressed at all, and I've only had one "Bridezilla" moment when a guy at the hotel told my sister my wedding was not happening at their hotel on Memorial Day Weekend..... WHAT?! Don't worry, I straightened him out VERY quickly.

A few of you have asked me about my ex.... and to tell you the truth, I really don't know much. We have not communicated since around Thanksgiving. About the time he came to pick up the kids, and destroyed my Christmas decorations, not giving any thought to the fact that they were for his children, I was done. At that point, we had been speaking in a friendly manner, mainly because I was biting my tongue in order to create peace, and I finally realized, with one swift kick of my Christmas decor, that it is never going to matter how friendly I am, or how much I bite my tongue..... he is a selfish child, and he will never be anything other than a selfish child. There's no reason for us to speak anyway, the kids can arrange their own visits, and my attorney can take care of the rest. I never want to have another conversation with someone who will go out of his way to try and make me as miserable as he has made himself.

As far as I know, his Filipino bride is still waiting for her fiance visa. From what the kids have said, Miss Mail Order will be here, possibly next month, and there will be a wedding in Hawaii. This is the extent of the info I have on that topic....and really, you all seem to care a heck of a lot more than I do! So there.... that's it on the ex.

I have so many friends that are going through hell and back in their marriages right now. I don't know why it seems like everyone is going through rough times. Why now? Statistics have shown that the divorce rates rise when the economy takes a dive, but I'm not sure how that relates to my friends' marriages. For the most part, everyone has stable jobs and bank accounts, etc. One thing I do know is that all of us were close in age, had been married for twenty-ish years (give or take) and have more that two kids. Something that happens, when you start having three, four, even five kids, is that you lose time as a couple. You start to put the kids ahead of everything, out of necessity. There are so many kid related activities, that by the time you get to have time for your spouse, you're too flippin tired to care.

Everyone wants to be the world's best parent, but what you need to realize is that if you don't make time for your marriage, your kids won't have that stable family that you're trying to create for them. As a mother, I was always Super Mom, but as a wife, not so much. I was a good wife, as far as the day to day, take care of the house, the laundry, the kids, etc, but I didn't make much time to be with, or take care of my husband. Our time together always revolved around the kids, and by the time we realized we needed to make time for us, as a couple, it was too late.

Am I blaming myself for his incessant cheating? Absolutely not. That was his choice. Instead of turning to me and saying, that he wanted to go out on a date, he just went out on a date.... with some hussy. Instead of turning to his wife and saying that he needed me, he called 1-800-dial a blonde.... I'm not excusing his behavior, but as someone who's been there, my advice is this, make time for your spouse above all else. Your spouse is the most important person in your life, he will be there when the kids have moved out. He will take care of you when no one else can. He will love you above all others...forever.... and the only way that you can both be there for your kids, together, is to nourish your marriage.

Your kids are so important, but they really have to come a very close second to your spouse. You may have to say no to driving 4 preteens to the movies on a Friday night, so you can have a date every now and then. You may have to set bedtime an hour earlier so you can have some "grown up time" after the kids are down for the night. You may have to say no to spring soccer, so that you and the hubs can take ballroom dancing lessons together.....whatever it is, you're not depriving your kids.....you're giving them the parents they need. You're giving them the parents who managed to stay in love with one another...forever.

Maybe I didn't know that before. Maybe all I wanted to be was Super Mom, but at least I can share what I've learned. I always want to be a great mom, but I'd also like to be as in love as I am right now, every day for the rest of my life, because it's a great feeling... and now I know I'm never going to lose that because of life getting in the way....

Life's short. buy the shoes ;)

today is my day.....

2012-02-01T09:17:00.001-06:00

Home again today....love it! Miss being home so much! Of course, after a couple of weeks, I'm sure I'd miss being in the classroom...... maybe. I think half days would be perfect for me....with full time pay, of course.

I have a few chores to do today, then I'll run, then Maddie and I are spending the afternoon together. Yay! Then it will be time to pick up the boys, do homework, dinner, driver's ed, and off to bed..... seems like this week is flying by. I'll be back to work on Monday. I'm covering maternity leave for a second grade teacher, who's class is directly across the hall from my fifth grade class. This should be a fun assignment. The kids seem so little. I love that age. This assignment will take me almost all the way to the end of the year. Once the classroom teacher gets back, it's no more work for Tracy till Fall. The classroom teacher is coming back for the last week or two of the school year, and I'm taking off for full speed ahead wedding mode. I'm sure the last week or so before the wedding will be crazy.

I promised, in this blog, to talk about my engagement and wedding plans, and haven't really done that yet. There always seems to be something more pressing to cover. But today is February. The wedding is in May. There are soooooo many things to do. We have a list, it seems, ten feet long. We sort of piddled around last fall..... booking the venue, choosing the menu, buying the dress..... but since New Year's we have kicked it into high gear. Planning every weekend. Buying glass for the candy station, ordering invitations, booking the musicians, ordering dresses and tuxes.... the last time we were in the bridal shop, I found a headband that I could not live without. It's the fanciest, most expensive headband I've ever seen...but it screamed "Bride" and I totally needed it!

All of this planning is super exciting! My mom and sister seem equally excited.....my mom seems like she's going to pee a little every time we get to go shopping for the wedding. I am so blessed to have her by my side for all of this. As a bride, I cannot imagine doing all of this without my mom.

One thing that I have realized through all of this wedding planning, is that this is my day. (Mine and Shanon's.... but you know) ;) I'm doing exactly what I want to do. I don't have to worry about what anyone will say, or think. All I'm thinking about is how I want that day to be. Our wedding day means so much to me. It's a day that one chapter closes, and a new one begins. It's our do over. It's our, "if only we had...." It's not just one day, but at the end of that day, I'm married to my best friend.

After all I've been through, I never thought I'd be married again. I never thought I'd trust again. I never thought that someone who loved me so long ago, would still feel that love for me so many years later, through so many twists and turns in our lives. After all we've been through to get here, that day will be a celebration of love, chance, fate and faith.....

I wish that everyone who I love and hold dear to my heart could be at the wedding. Shanon and I have decided to have an intimate wedding. Only inviting those we love, and who love us. No random people from work. No friends of friends. No parents' bosses (because we have to.) Just people who know us, know our story, and love us. We are inviting those of you who will share your love with us on our special day. It will be small, but very special. There is no room for skepticism or disdain. There won't be a table for anyone who feels "obligated" to come. There will be no table for meanness or haters. There's not room for ill will or disrespect. This is a celebration of love. The room will be filled with love and happiness. Joy and peace. That's all. We want to start our lives together, the way we will live.... surrounded by love.

Maybe a few people, who I love more than words can express, will come around and want to support me and show their love for me on my special day (just like I have always done for them)... and maybe not. Either way, I'm going to be ok, because this is my day. It's not about anyone else. Just me, and the man I love... ready or not, Mr. Patterson.... ;)

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Rest, relax, regroup.....

2012-01-31T09:19:00.000-06:00

I'm off today, and hopefully the rest of the week. It feels so good to have time to rest, relax and regroup. I will spend this week, cleaning, running errands, resting, and running....literally (training for the Illinois Marathon).

I will not be exhausted when helping Eli with his homework. I will actually enjoy listening to him read to me, instead of wishing he could go a little faster. Last night (after getting off early, and squeezing in a short nap) the sound of Eli's voice reading me a book actually brought a tear to my eye. It was the sweetest sound ever. I wish I had the time and energy every day to soak in the little things and take such great joy in each and every moment spent mothering.

I will take joy in cleaning my house, and feel a sense of accomplishment in this gift I can give to my family. Something that, at times, feels like an annoyance or an inconvenience. I will be rested enough to make dinner for everyone (whether they like it or not) ;) I will catch up on the laundry, and a good book.

I will run.... for myself. I will enjoy the beautiful weather we are having. I will get lost in thoughts and soak in the sunshine while I train for the marathon. This year, I'm part of a relay team, and I can't wait! I'm so blessed to be healthy enough to run, and to have friends who want to enjoy the experience with me.

I will run mundane errands, but I will be thankful that I have the time and resources to do so. (I'll probably treat myself while I'm out.) ;)

These are the things I miss about being an at home mom. The very things that I grew bored with while I WAS an at home mom. I took for granted the time I had to spend with my kids when I was able to stay home with them. (And so did they.) I realize, when I have time off, that this is my comfort zone. Being a homemaker. This is what I've done for 20 years. I take great joy and pride in taking care of my home and children. It's not an easy job, but it's so rewarding. As proud as I am of myself for going back to work, and for doing what I have to do to take care of my kids now, I still struggle with issues like, how do I spend enough time with everyone? How do I take care of the house, kids, etc. while working full time? How do working moms accomplish everything that has to be accomplished in a day?

At least I'm lucky enough to be in the field of education where my hours are similar to my kids' hours. At least I can stay home this summer and spend time with my kids while they're off. (Thank you, honey.) At least I can say that I've shown my kids that you do what you have to do, and working is a necessity, right now.

So, is my house spotless, like it used to be? No. Do I have to make choices like sleep or laundry? Yes. (Sleep always wins.) Do I let things go, like sweeping and mopping? Sometimes. I don't run everyday, and I don't take as many bubble baths as I used to, but I get all of the important things done each day. Ball games, homework, and hugs are at the top of the list. My kids' needs are still first, and I'm still a distant second, but I have a wonderful fiance, who always puts me first, and who makes sure I'm taken care of,even when I don't have time to take care of myself.

So today will be, running, writing, and cleaning..... tomorrow more of the same? Probably. I'm thankful to have the time to sit and write. It's good for my soul. I'm taking full advantage of these few days off, because next week, it's back to the craziness of being a working mom.....

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

advice to daughters

2012-01-24T09:26:00.000-06:00

So... I've learned a thing or two along the way about being a girl, a woman, a mom, a sister....a female....

We have soft hearts, we are naturally trusting, we are the stronger sex, even if we are the softer sex. We love with everything we have, and when we're mistreated, we come out on the other side, no worse for the wear, even stronger. No less trusting, no less loving....just smarter.

As a "seasoned pro" at womanhood, ;) I've got advice for daughters. Not just mine.... all daughters.....

1. Don't ever give up the girly things that you love right now. Always polish your nails. Always wear lip gloss... even on a bad day. Heck, especially on a bad day.

2. Don't ever lose sight of your goals. Don't replace you goals with someone else's.

3. Get your degree. Have a trade. Go to school. No matter who's wife or mother you become ALWAYS have your back up plan. You never know when you may need it.

4. Always keep track of your money. Even when it becomes "our money". Learn about finances. Don't run up debt. Pay your bills. Subscribe to a money magazine (as well as Cosmo).... be a smart consumer. Live within your means.

5. Give all you have to give to your family. Every minute. Every day. But don't forget to give to yourself. If you don't nurture yourself, you cannot nurture others.

6. Don't ever give anyone power or control over your life. You are in charge of your own life, and God is in control.

7. If it feels bad, it is bad. Love feels good.

8. Don't become dependant on a man for survival. Don't mistake dependency for love. (See number 7.)

9. Do not presume you can change a person. They will not change. Love them for who they are right now today, or move on.

10. If you are cheated on, end it. Immediately. No questions asked. They have shown you who they are at their core. This will not change.

11. Always be kind.

12. Love yourself...... Love yourself.... Love yourself.....

There you go.... if I could write a manual for girls, that's pretty much what I have to offer. Twelve simple rules. Follow these, and life is good... and in the words of Maya Angelou..." when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Life's short. Buy the shoes. ;)

juggling act....

2012-01-23T15:12:00.001-06:00

I had to make a tough choice today, as a working mom. I'm not used to having to make these kinds of choices. Little Eli was sick this weekend. It started with vomiting, Saturday night.....ALL NIGHT LONG. I finally gave him some tummy meds about 2am, and he was knocked out from about 3am until 5pm Sunday. I was really hoping that Sunday, when he woke, he'd be fine. That was not the case. He had about a 101 degree fever and he was only awake about 2 or 3 hours until he was knocked out again for the rest of the night. The fever, on a Sunday night, was all I needed to know that he wouldn't be going to school Monday. However, I was still expected to be at my school Monday morning. I struggled with what to do for hours. I was trying to figure out a way to pass him between siblings and let them juggle him between classes and driver's ed. I tried to be ok with the fact that he'd survive without me for a day, being bounced around, instead of in his bed, resting.... I really tried. I just couldn't do it. I finally decided that Eli, being in his bed, resting, was what he needed more than anything, and for him to be able to do that, I needed to be home with him.

I love my job, and even if I didn't, I would always want to work hard, and give my best effort. I have been very fortunate to have a long term sub position at my school, and although that is ending this week, my next position, in the second grade, starts next week and will run through the end of the year. The fact that my principal ok'd me moving across the hall for the remainder of the year, tells me that he's pleased with my job performance. The last thing I want to do is screw that up, buy half-assing it, or taking days off. I always give it my all, and I know that it will pay off with a permanent teaching position one of these days.

These are the conflicts that working moms have to deal with. I've never had to choose between my livelihood, and my kid's health. I knew that staying home was what was best for Eli, but me having a job is also in Eli's best interest. In the end, I didn't have it in me to stay at work while he was home sick. I went in, made sub plans, told my principal I had a sick kid, and left my 5th graders in very capable hands, while I went home to stay with Eli before his big brother had to go to class. When I got home he was playing video games in his jammies. He's still running a low grade fever, but appears to be feeling better. So today is today. We'll look at tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time. That's life right now.

I have always had a very soft spot in my heart for my babies. I know that every mom does, but at times, I can actually feel their pain. I tend to take on their emotions, and I often wish I could fix things for them. I know that it's not good to try to fix everything. An important part of becoming an adult is experiencing and dealing with different emotions. I'm a big believer in natural consequences, so naturally being a "fixer" can sometimes, contradict that. Little things like running out of clean clothes if you forget to take your laundry downstairs, is a natural consequence that I'm ok with. It's the bigger things that are hard to watch, like the bad grades that come along with skipping classes. Believe me, I know these are valuable lessons that many a college student has had to learn the hard way. I know that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them make the mistake, and be there for them, with some sound advice, once they have to decide what's next.

I have, since the divorce, found myself parenting differently. Sometimes parenting out of guilt. Letting them off the hook with chores, ignoring disrespectful behavior, instead of holding them accountable, making excuses for bad behavior instead of giving them consequences. I know it's not doing them any favors. Before the divorce, this family had daily chores. Everyone had to help clean up after dinner. Everyone pitched in with laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, bathrooms, etc. Since the move back to Illinois, I have done almost everything myself, (with the help of Shanon) or have had to bribe the kids with money just to help out. (With the exception of Stret being the "trash taker outer".)

My reasoning for this was simple, they were traumatized. They didn't ask to be from a broken home. They needed some "babying". I really believed that they would all get through the divorce, and all would just go back to normal, but instead, now, when I ask for help, or ask someone to do a chore that used to be a daily occurrence, they look at me like I have 3 heads. It's common now, for me to ask for something to be done, while I'm gone, and it's still sitting there, waiting for me when I get home. It's very frustrating, and yet, somehow, I know I created it. I know I'm doing them a disservice by letting them get by with the lazy behavior, and I need the help more now that I'm working, than I ever did before.

It seems like every time I turn around, I'm starting over again. This is yet another one of those things, that I'm going to have to start again, back at square one. I need to implement a chore system again. Similar to the one we always had in place. I know the little boys will be compliant with whatever I put into place, and they will flourish, like they have with everything else. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with the older ones. I've seen attitudes, since the divorce, that I never saw before. It seems like the little ones are bouncing back to normal, much quicker than the older ones. Attitudes, grades, everything.... the little ones are doing really well. It does my heart well to know that I haven't screwed them up forever. The older ones are taking longer than I thought to adjust. Or maybe they're just so mad at me (some of them) that it's going to take time to work through those emotions and be the loving, caring kids I know they are. Whatever the case, I find myself saying, yet again, it's not on my timeline, it's on God's, and He will help me navigate this.

I know the time for guilt has passed. I no longer feel guilty about the divorce. I'm sorry the kids' parents are no longer married, but there was really nothing that I could have done to fix that. Believe me, I tried everything. It is what it is. It's time for me to get strong (yet again) and hold my children accountable for the things I know are right. Grades, chores and being respectful are my Big 3. I hope it's not too late for the older ones. I hope that I haven't done permanent damage by not requiring certain things for the last year, but realistically, at some point the older ones will have to take responsibility for how they treat people. They will have to take responsibility for what they accomplish (or don't). I've said it many times, if it weren't for Mothers, therapists wouldn't have jobs, but mothers do the best they can, under the circumstances they have been given.

I can totally see what my next hill to climb is. I can see the next "battle". Some of my kids need to focus more on school. Some need to be more respectful, and all need to start pitching in more around the house, because we are a family. Albeit, dysfunctional, we are still a family, and families help each other. It's part of living in a home and functioning as a unit. So, just when I think I'm getting things figured out, there's always one more thing....this parenting gig can be exhausting.

Life's short. Buy the shoes. ;)

what I've learned....

2012-01-16T11:13:00.000-06:00

Since I've been writing again, I've heard from many of my friends, friends' mom's and friends of friends....all with one common message...KEEP WRITING!!! It is amazing to me the number of women who have gone through, or are currently going through what I have been through. It amazes me that when you think you're alone, and your world couldn't get any darker, if you just reach out, you will find a light, if only a tiny spark. You will find someone who can say, I've been there... I survived, you will too.

As much as I want to write about my upcoming wedding, the man I love, our plans for the future, my job, and my new life.... I know that so many people are going through what I've been through, and I just feel it's important to share what I've learned.

Never mind the number of people who are willing to break up a family, with no regard for their children. Never mind the home wrecking mistresses who have no regard for a family. I don't get it, and I probably never will. I have no intelligent thoughts to share on this topic, so I can't dig into it right now. However; what I've learned about people who can choose "fun" over commitment, or a whim, over responsibility, or whatever you want to call it, is that you cannot make them want what you want.

Your dreams, wishes, thoughts, and desires for the future, even if they were once the same, may no longer be the same, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't force a grown adult to straighten up, or conform, or remember their vows. You just can't, and once it becomes apparent that they are no longer capable of being your partner, in the true sense of the word, then you have to choose a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around the pain and emotional abuse that is being inflicted upon you daily.

What I went through, in my marriage, caused deep scars. Scars that may never completely heal, but finally being free from it feels pretty damn good. Being liberated from the intense emotional pain is indescribable. Being allowed to live my life free from emotional abuse is freeing.

I was married to a covertly controlling person. He was so manipulative, he was able to make it look, from the outside, like I ruled the roost. He made it seem like I was in charge. Of course, I was in charge of running the house, and the kids' activities, etc, because that's how he wanted it. It gave him more time to play. But, in reality, when I caught on to what was going on, I was controlled, and manipulated. I was told that he knew how to kill and dispose of a body without ever being caught. He even went into detail about injecting between the toes, so no one would see the injection sight. (I knew he had access to those types of drugs.) He talked about lye, concrete and shovels. He threatened me with money, he threatened to commit suicide. He threatened to take away my children. Mind games were his favorite kind of abuse.

Once you are emotionally abused, in that manner, for years, it's hard to break away. It's hard, even after the divorce, to realize that there's always going to be the attempt to control. I admit, it can still be tough, at times, to not let my day be ruined by nasty emails, etc, but I do my best to shake it off. I usually just turn off my phone, and go on with my day. It's hard to control a person who is ignoring you. I choose not to be engaged with the demands, threats, etc.

For you ladies (and gentlemen) who are going through similar situations, just know that the "noise" you hear about money, custody, etc, will be determined by a judge. Trying to settle and play nice, will get you nowhere. There are formulas that are used to determine child support, etc. Let a judge decide it. You will be happier, in the long run. Your ex will have nothing to hold over your head. "Going back to court", making up nasty b.s.... it's all noise. Once you realize that it's all a control issue, mind games, etc, you will be free to live your life without fear. Don't be afraid of going to court. Let the judge decide, and live with what's decided. It's not worth the turmoil. Better yet, give it to God. He is in charge. He knows what you need better than you do.

I remember when I was first told by my ex, five and a half years ago, that he wanted to be separated. I was shocked, and terrified. I was in disbelief. I was crushed. I could see all of my dreams for the future just fade away. I couldn't imagine a more horrible fate for me and the kids. I literally remember thinking, "I'll have to move out of my kids' home. We'll be in a little condo somewhere. It will be horrible. I'll have to find a job. My kids will not have an at home mom." At that time,to me, there was nothing worse. But, like I said, you can't impose your dreams for the future upon someone else.... and now, I'm in a little condo, with a job, and I couldn't be more thankful for what I've got. I'm so much happier without the constant turmoil in my life.

God knew what I needed. Although I prayed and prayed for my family to stay in tact, the Lord knew I needed something else. He answered my prayers, just not the way I asked Him to. He knows what you need, and you know what they say about unanswered prayers.

My ex's need for control may never end. My most peaceful days are when he's very far away, and preoccupied with his next conquest, but when he chooses to try to ruin my day, I choose to ignore it. When a person is so unhappy with his or her own life, that the only joy they get is to try to make someone else as miserable as they are, you have to just walk away. Don't engage. It's what they want. I'm sorry, but my happiness was stolen for long enough. My joy was taken for years. I'm not going to allow it anymore. At the time I didn't understand that I was participating in the nonsense. Now I get it... I'm happy. Miserable people hate happy people. I totally get it. I'm no longer a willing participant in his mind games. Not now, not ever again. So can a shitty email put me in a bad mood? Maybe for a minute, but it's getting easier and easier to just laugh and go on with my day.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

choosing happiness....

2012-01-09T16:49:00.001-06:00

I just had the best weekend I've had on a long time. I was calm and peaceful and had an overall feeling of genuine happiness. There were things that could have made me sad. There were things that might have changed the overall tone of the weekend, if I had let it, but I'm happy to say that I've really gotten to the place where I prefer to be happy. I prefer to choose happiness over sadness. I prefer to ignore the "noise" from the peanut gallery, and just be...

It was a great weekend because I got to watch Stret play basketball, and socialize with the other team moms, who I love. Maddie got her driving permit! That is so amazing to me. My fourth kid is driving! How old am I??? I got to have lunch with Shanon and Mom, and then do some fun things for the wedding together.

Sunday, we got up and went to church with the little boys, we did some grocery shopping with Nick (because he needed stuff for his new place) and got to go to the Bridal Expo, where we accomplished a lot! (Even secured a harpist for the wedding!)

This was so much fun for me.....mainly because those are all fun things to do, but also because I chose not to focus on the negative aspects of these things. Like the fact that my Nicholas is moving to Indiana to go to school this weekend (ouch... that still stings a little) and the fact that my girls don't want to be involved in my wedding planning. (How much fun would that be, if they would?)

I have found a way to be happy. After everything that I've been through in the last couple of years. After all of the every day drama that can take place dealing with everyone's personalities and quirks. After all of the minutiae, after all of the b.s., I just want to choose happiness, so I do. I have really found a peace within myself, which gives me permission to be happy. I have had to really come to an understanding that I can't be responsible for everyone's happiness. I want them to be happy, but they also have to choose happiness over sadness. They, too have to choose to be positive instead of negative. They have to choose peace over drama. I can't make those choices for them.

I have embraced those who want to celebrate with me. I am so thankful that I have a mother, here, to help me plan my wedding. I'm thankful to have a dad to give me away. Believe me, I don't take those things for granted anymore. I don't take people for granted anymore. I have learned that people are not permanent fixtures. People can be there one day and gone the next, for many different reasons. We should cherish those that we love. I have learned to love and cherish every day.

The fact that I'm finally settling back into a happy place, means that I can offer my best self to my fiance, my kids, my family, and everyone around me. The fact that I finally feel like that awful sadness is totally behind me, means that I can offer my kids a peace that I couldn't, even a year ago.

There may always be scars from what I've experienced. I don't know that anyone gets through this life unscathed, but I do know that I've grown so much through this healing process, and I've learned a lot about myself. I have an inner strength that I never knew existed. I have an inner peace that I never knew how to summons. These would be great things to know about yourself before a crisis happens, but for some reason, we usually don't find out until we're in survival mode. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until they're in hot water." I love that quote. (Her husband was also an infamous cheater.)

When I was first writing this blog, there was a lot of negativity, and a lot of blaming. I've really grown past that. What's happened has happened. Everything happens for a reason... I know it's cliche, but it's not for me to ask why. I'm not defined by the twists and turns my life has taken, but how I have reacted to them. I'm choosing happiness. Saying it is a start, but you actually have to DO it. Each time you have the choice to be happy or not, you really have to choose to be happy..... after a while you find yourself smiling at nothing. You find yourself laughing with strangers. You find yourself feeling genuinely content, and you know, choosing to be happy has turned into just.....being happy......

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)