Heart For Gold Hearts

The Feelings of Grief in Divorce

2010-09-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Many people remain in dead marriages using the children as excuse for a disjointed relationship in which the battle lines are drawn fiercely and ferociously. To say the least, it is unfair on the children for parents to bring them up in war zones, or to use them as pawns during bitter long drawn out exchanges of verbal and, sometimes physical fire power. Once the love for the children becomes the priority, sometimes, divorce becomes inevitable. The realization of this ushers in a lot of grief.

When asked to describe what people feel when going through the process of divorce, some would call it a “deep sadness”, while some call it a “heavy sorrow”. Whichever way it is described, grief is unbearable, monumental, devastating, and a sometimes wearying process. Grief is usually caused by a loss of some sort, (usually of someone loved), especially in the case of divorce, relationship break-up, or death. Sometimes, grief may be caused by loss of a home or job, or something less severe, like position or community respect. And grief is sometimes so overwhelmingly unbearable that some people consider suicide. Grief cannot be avoided in divorce, as the two major parties to the relationship systematically tear apart what they have built over several years. They tear at each other, and at what once was a loving, close, bonded, intimate and significant relationship. Divorce may signify the death of a relationship, but the actual relationship is never really dead, especially when children are involved.

People grieving their dead have some sort of “closure” because of the funeral services. Funerals provide a mechanism for the bereaved to understand the permanent or terminal end of the relationship. Unfortunately, there are no funeral services for divorce, making the grieving process a prolonged and complicated process, and even though the relationship is ended, it is still, usually kept alight in some sort of crippled manner. Although divorce is not as final as a funeral, there is a big difference between separation and divorce. A separation may last 10 years and the marriage may even be “dead” 15 or 20 years, as they say, “It ain’t over until it’s over”. So, the day that is set for divorce does one significant thing in the lives of both parties, it sets in motion the process where one can put their lives back in order.

The day of divorce allows some basic questions to be answered. One learns what financial settlement (if any), will be granted, and as a result, one can determine what kind of housing one can afford, who will get primary custody of the children, and what visitation arrangement can be put in place. Not many people leave court feeling that their solicitor did a good job, but once the judgement has been made, the marriage is legally terminated, and there appears a more recognizable future for both parties. Some of the madness stops, and things become more certain and get under slightly better control. This is the day that sets in stone, the legal status of the marriage, even if there are several ongoing battles that continue into months, or even years. People have different ways of dealing with different issues, and not everyone will grieve in the same way. Everyone’s style is unique based on strength of personality, self esteem, personal insight, support form friends and family, spiritual inclination etc.

However, even though everyone has a different style and the individual grieving process is unique, there is still a predictable cycle of feelings, which will eventually end. The pattern of cycle of grief begins with Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and ends in a new wholesomeness. So, even if right now, you are riding on the worst or most bizarre emotional roller coaster you can ever imagine, be sure to know that one day you will be normal again. No storm lasts forever. This too, shall pass. The feelings you experience may not be “contained”, or logical, or predictable. Sometimes you may feel hopeless, helpless, sad, or lonely. At other times your feelings will be hatred, deep anger, bitterness or even, vindictiveness. In the daytime, you may feel fear or even terror, and then at night feel calm and normal again. Your feelings will be on very high roller coaster, fluctuating greatly even to very low levels. However, because grief follows a definite progressive pattern and no stage lasts forever, understanding the pattern is likely to provide you with some degree of hope.

Your Attitude and Mindset Can Help You Stay Younger

2010-07-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

Your Attitude and Mindset Can Help You Stay Younger
by Yinka Dixon

Many of us may have heard other people saying, “Attitude is everything”. The story has been told many times of those who see their glass as “half full” where others may see theirs as “half empty”. You are who you say you are. I once heard a joke of a man who needed time off work. Realising that his boss would give him no more time, he decided to hang himself upside down from the ceiling in his office, by pretending to be a light-bulb. He reasoned that if the boss asked why he did this and hears his answer, the boss would immediately "know" that he wasn't feeling well, and send him home for a few days...His boss came in, found him so, and requested an explanation. The man said “Can’t you guess I am the light bulb?” The boss, seeing this as an unusual action, felt the man mus t be stressed to the point of sickness, and could benefit from some rest, and so he sent the worker home. Our man’s colleague who had been watching the drama, promptly packed his bags also and was about to leave. When the boss asked where he thought he was going, he said “Now that the light bulb is gone, there’s no way I am working in the dark”… That may be a joke, but the reality is this, we all need to learn to take ourselves less seriously.

Your attitude is a state of mind. It is the way we perceive things. Our attitude is what differentiates us from others in this life. It represents your likes and dislikes. Attitudes can be either, positive, negative or neutral perceptions of things or ideas. An attitude can be formed as different forms of judgments that may be true or untrue. As people grow up, and seeing different things around them, they form various attitudes based on what they see. What they see can affect their perception of a certain person, idea or thing. Attitudes are part of a person’s personality and the well being of that person.

Attitude is responsible for projecting a personality, be it positive or negative. Your personality can be a significant factor in determining your state of mind, and your being and it contributes to the aging process. Your attitude can also be defined as a form of an egotistical state of mind, regardless of whether it’s about acceptance, expression of control or other traits that are considered to be selfish in nature.

If you are continuously angry, fighting and/or feel a hatred towards others, that can be described as having a negative attitude. These forms can affect how you think and act towards others. When you start having negative thoughts, you open yourself up to premature aging and possible health issues. It’s absolutely important that you move away from having a constant, negative mindset.
Transformation of this nature does take time, since these negative thoughts were not developed overnight. You really have to work hard to and put every effort into changing your attitude and your outlook about things.

If in the past, there were so many things that bothered, you must release them and move forward. Being bitter will not help you; neither will unforgiveness. This will only accelerate the aging process and could affect your health, physically and mentally.

It’s by far easier and much healthier to look at the bright side of life, and of things. Doing this will refresh your mind and your body. If something happens, ask yourself “what can I do about it?” If there is something you can do, go and do it. If there is nothing you can do, worrying about it will not help. Don’t let things that are out of your control get you down. Many times, many things will be out of your control. Don’t be mean to people because they are mean to you. Being nice will help to maintain a positive attitude, no matter what the situation is. Besides, it is in your own interest to stay positive, look on the bright side, so you can look and stay younger for much longer.

Motherhood! What a glorious career!

2010-06-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

I was sent this email by one hard-working beautiful mother, wife and entrepreneur. It's a "feel-good" story, and I feel every woman (mother or not), needs to read it. If it blesses you, share it. If you have other stories and would like them published, do share them.

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the counter clerk, "do you have a job or are you just a ...?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mum."

"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the clerk emphatically.

The writer of this story forgot all about this story "until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Medicare office".

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out...

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,

"I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)

and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).

But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous "new" career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!

And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum." (And clerks DO look down on you when you are a "Mother" or "Housewife" (as if you do "Nothing" all day, just because nobody cares to pay you for what you do...

Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations", And great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates?"

I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts are "Associate Research Assistants."

Please send this to another Mum, Grandmother, Aunt, And other friends you know.

May your troubles be less, and Your blessings be more, And may nothing but happiness come through your door!

About The Heart For Gold Hearts

2009-12-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

Hearts For Gold Hearts aims to touch the hearts of men and women in (or out of)relationships, who are hurting.

* To reach deep down into the dark corners of the heart, where the heart pain is…
* To help men and women make giant strides by taking mini steps…
* To help men and women become alive again, by building and maintaining a pain-free heart…
* To provide a friendship platform where we can talk about things…
* To help women reach those WOW! Moments of their lives…

Principle 1: A problem shared, is only half a problem…
Principle 2: Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life…