We all have felt at times in our work and life that “my heart just isn’t in this”.  You don’t feel connected or inspired — and can even feel resistant. On the other hand, there are times when we “feel” that something is right for us — we feel momentum and excitement and know that our “heart IS in it” and we easily connect in a meaningful way to our work or life. We readily bring our heart and soul into what we are doing.

Being able to work with heart has both external and internal influences. The purpose of this post is to articulate what influences us to be able to be clear about what really matters to us. It’s important to know that sometimes external forces can be greater than our own will and strong heart. Most of the time we play way too small and don’t influence our life and work as much as we can. We are far more powerful than we allow ourselves to be, both at work and in life’s journey.

Heart Strengthening Elements

The following are the necessary ingredients in the recipe for “working with heart”. They may not be overly surprising and might be more of a reinforcement of what you already hold as your own common sense. The important part is for you to self-evaluate in each area. Do you have some work to do? Start by noticing when you don’t bring your whole self to your work and relationships. You’ll come to identify this feeling readily once you make yourself aware.

Also, notice the work and times that you do bring your whole self in effortlessly. This will feel entirely different.  Then, start to draw some conclusions that could lead to new decisions for your daily life, relationships, and career.

The Recipe

Passion – The inner interest and deep drive that fires you up. Being connected to all that you do in a way that brings meaning to your life and the lives of those you interact with in your journey through life. It can be confused with energy, but it’s what feeds your energy and focuses it. Passion is a decision that often finds you and forces you to deal with it.

Energy — When life and work seem effortless, you are likely in your spirit and tapping into a level of power many never find. Energy is the “muse” of action rather than creative thought. Your body is up for the task and ready to deliver what the mind and heart conceive as important. You can sense what gives and takes it away. Manage it well.

Purpose – Knowing what you were created to be for the world is a powerful notion. Understanding the reason you exist and working to fulfill the promise that you are brings power, not only to you, but to many other lives.

Vision – Don’t live just for today but live out of your vision. Live and work into the future that you want to create for those you serve. Vision is about performance, so set some metrics and milestones that will keep focus and momentum towards the outcomes you want. Your vision comes true when you decide to go after it, not when it arrives.

Values – When everything gets taken away from you this is the siren call. We anchor to these when times are tough. It is your values that we all get called back to review and understand more deeply when we are tested most.  Ask yourself, “what is most important to me and what are my values?” Your decisions ultimately are informed by your values.  How you will treat others and yourself? Will you do the right thing when it seems to matter the most — and even when it doesn’t?

Depth – There is deepness or depth to our work when our heart is in it.  Understandably not everyone wants or desires to go deeper in life let alone in one’s work.  It is a choice, not a necessity.  It is a risk that can be accompanied by fear, uncertainty, or insecurity. However, real joy lives in the deepness of really letting your heart go and caring for something beyond your own restrictions.  Many of us need a guide for this journey because it is fraught with many “good” reasons not to let go and take the risk.

Truth – This is always the most profitable in the long haul.  It is better to build your life on a strong foundation of truth and not compromise. At some point you will need to rely on your courage to stand for something and to take a stand.  Knowing your stand and living it are two completely different acts.  The latter involves your body and training it to act according to your intellect.

Self-Sacrifice – Be careful who is asking for or requiring the sacrifice. Work is only one of the five most important systems (work, intimacy, family, social, personal) we must master as a high-performance human being.  There will come a time when you will be called to give more than others with no promise of greater return and recognition. Self-sacrifice never comes when you expect it, and there is never enough data to decide the cost when asked to make it.  Payment on this investment shows up unexpectedly and in the most surprising ways. With true self-sacrifice you should expect nothing in return, and you will reap a harvest. To think that you can make your dreams come true without it is a fool’s errand. To think self-sacrifice is the only way forward is often when we lose our soul.

Your Pathway

To work with heart requires you to be vulnerable. You must open yourself in an unguarded way, a way that may require you to closely examine your inner self to become very clear about what really matters to you. For busy, productive, results-focused people this may feel foreign or like a waste of time. The journey starts with achieving greater self-awareness. Self-awareness is a gift we all profit from, and it requires determination and discipline to get there. A good place to start or go deeper into your journey of becoming more self-aware is by following The Heartwood Group’s Transformation Model, a simple 4-step pathway focused on Values, Vision and Milestones. The model, process and accompanying exercises can be found in the book Active Transformation.

]]> https://www.heartwoodgroup.com/working-with-heart-in-work-and-life/feed/ 0 https://www.heartwoodgroup.com/getting-your-priorities-straight-and-being-clear-about-what-is-most-important/ https://www.heartwoodgroup.com/getting-your-priorities-straight-and-being-clear-about-what-is-most-important/#comments Thu, 31 Dec 2020 17:45:07 +0000 http://https://www.heartwoodgroup.com//?p=1202 Here are 4 separate thoughts to help you usher in 2021 more proactively. Let’s make this a year to remember every day.

Focus is the root of achieving priorities.

Coaching is a great tool for high performers to get clear and stay committed to the goals and priorities of life and work. Conversations about commitment are very valuable and the foundation to defining our priorities. Start getting in the habit of not talking about being busy and begin to think and talk about your commitments. Get into a coaching relationship that supports your present and your future. Take accountability to a new level.

Investing yourself equally in all areas of your life.

Be as driven in your roles as a parent, spouse, and friend as you are in your work. Bring your “high performance” experience and skills to every aspect of your life. There are some amazing accomplishments waiting for you to invite them to the party. Worry less about life balance and more about investing in your values. Your life will work out just fine if you stay focused on the commitment needed to live out your values and vision. The key is investing in every aspect of your life not just work. Make each area of family, community, relationship, and personal equal players. They all have a voice and deserve to be listened to by you. Work will always be the loudest and most demanding. Manage it or it will manage you. Integrate each one as much as possible, but remember that personal time is often the battery that feeds the rest.

We are finite and full of possibilities all at the same time.

Its mysterious and straightforward all at the same time. We all have limitations and we seem to focus on those first before seeing what’s entirely possible. Often we overlook the ways we can integrate our lives. That’s the win-win deals when I can combine things together. Family goals are supported by work goals. It doesn’t have to be either family, work goals, or corporate ladder. They can work together. And they can work in an adversarial way with each other without your values in the relationship. There will always be choices and sacrifice. Just make sure to let sacrifices be spread out among all your efforts. Sacrifice for work only and constantly will create less possibilities for you than you think.

Looking at life for the long haul.

Today doesn’t always dictate what your tomorrows will be like, but it often does because we allow it to. We can also let yesterday own too much of today. We have to keep looking forward and make sure that we have a long view of life. Our future is always a concept until it happens. How much do you want to influence how it will show up? Take your best actions everyday and hold yourself accountable. We can’t hold off living for today and not enjoy the present moment. The bottom line is we plan for the future and live/work in the moment. Everything happens (or can change) in the moment.  That’s why possibilities exist right now, not solely in the future. What’s possible? Make life about possibilities instead of liabilities.

Over these past weeks I remain busy with my coaching calls and Heartwood Group projects, however I do — like so many of us — have more “free” time than I did before. (That’s quite a concept right there – “free” time – the time itself is always free – it’s how we use it that determines its cost.) Ever wonder why we ask people where or how they SPEND their time? Rarely if ever do we ask what they invest their time in. Our time is something we have as our greatest asset to invest. Or we can spend it.

Some of my free time lately has been spent making and playing in sawdust! I am blessed to have a pretty amazing (by my standards) woodworking shop in my basement. I love it! The smell – the somewhat neat stacks of scrap and new wood – the old, worn pieces that I cannot wait to fashion into something new and useful. This is a sanctuary for me. A place of creativity, peace – and most of all, renewal.

This is renewal in the literal sense – right now I’m taking pieces of wood my father-in-law collected years ago and I’m building shelves and cabinets in my shop. He’s been gone some years now. When he could no longer work in his shop it was sad, but he has many artifacts of his skillful work that live on in many places. His legacy lives on in what he built and gave away as gifts.

Many artifacts of his skillful work…live on in many places — in what he built and gave away as gifts.

I inherited his wood collection. He had collected wood from all over the world. Mostly small samples, but also some larger amounts of domestic woods like oak, walnut (he loved this wood), maple, and ash. My goal is to use it all up making some things before I join him and another famous carpenter I know. Not sure what all those things are yet, but that is the challenge. Sometimes, I feel like I am letting the wood tell me what it needs to be.

For example, my wife Gail and I bought 2 prints from the gift shop at the south rim of the Grand Canyon a few years ago. (I put them in a place so safe I couldn’t find them at first!).  When I laid them out in my shop on my bench there was a piece of Lacewood and some multicolored Walnut pieces that caught my attention on the shelves. Each fit the colors in the prints perfectly. I had only to decide what I wanted the frames styles to look like. Once I decided I started into designing the frames to fit the pictures. Only I know my successes and failures through the process of making the frames. All part of the renewal.

I’m always surprised at how excited I am to make something new again and useful today, out of a piece that has already served its original purpose well. It’s like a continuous work in progress – something that’s been used regularly becomes worn out or outdated, but it still has “good bones” — or is made of strong, solid reusable material. With some re-cutting and sanding, gluing up the joints again, maybe some new hardware and a thick coat of poly – voila! – I have something new that I can use or give to someone else to enjoy.

It’s like a continuous work in progress. Something that’s been used regularly becomes worn out or outdated —  with some re-cutting, sanding, gluing…I have something new that I can use or give to someone else.

Working in my wood-shop creates other forms of renewal as well. The kind that isn’t as tangible as a table or picture frames. It renews my spirit. I become immersed in creating something and not being tethered or restricted by timelines or objectives. It is perfectly fine to become distracted and put one project down while another takes priority. It’s being in the flow and in your spirit that counts. In the shop the agenda finds me and chooses me at times. Other times, I enter with purpose and intention with clear goals. Either is exactly what needed to happen.

It’s being in the flow and in your spirit that counts.

Renewal of Spirit

I think of our spirit as being our “battery” and connector to others. Beyond facial recognition it’s how people really gain access to us and experience us as a person, family member, friend, or leader. Spirit is tied to connectedness. Connectedness is not such a hard concept to grasp intellectually. We intuitively know when we connect with someone (or not).

When we are in our spirit, work and life appear to be almost effortless and even surreal, regardless of how challenging the circumstances. When we’re not in our spirit the opposite is true – things can seem tougher to participate in, heavy, feel pointless – like we’re “going through the motions.” Being in touch with your spirit can be difficult when life is racing along non-stop. Because we’re human, however, all of us have the need within us to connect with our spirit – it is the essential “us.” We can easily disconnect from it – through busyness, excessive worry, negativity, anxiety, denial.

People around us often sense the state of our spirit, even when we don’t. When in “low spirit” we’re experienced as flat, low energy, or adrift. In high spirit, others sense a buzz of energy, positivism, even joy. High spirit is magnetic – it attracts people.

Because we are human. . . all of us have the need within us to connect with our spirit – it is the essential “us.”

Right now, so many of us are seeking renewal of some sort. Our spirits are weighed down. This is a difficult time for many reasons. People have more free time, time away from normal routines and duties, time that is normally “spent” without even thinking about it. We live according to the calendar, and when our calendar gets blown up, we can be set adrift pretty easily. Even the most energetic, accountable, responsible folks are feeling “off” right now.

My offering to you now is to suggest that you spend some of your available time to tend to your spirit and seek renewal. You’ll need to make time for reflection. If you’re unsure how, click on my “A Time for Reflection” blog for some simple questions to get you started. As you grow in your willingness and ability to practice reflection, awareness of your spirit will sharpen. And awareness of your spirit paves the way for true transformation and renewal.

My offering to you now is to suggest that you spend some of your available time to tend to your spirit and seek renewal.

Keep in Mind

• The human spirit is an experience that is unique and not well understood — we see its power, but the spirit itself is unseen.
• Energy drains out of us when we are not in our spirit. Take notice when it happens.
• Difficult tasks become effortless when we are aligned with our purpose and spirit.
• The practice of reflection will sharpen your awareness of spirit.
• Awareness of your spirit paves the way for transformation and renewal.

Back to the Sawdust. . .

Playing in the sawdust is one of the things that renews me – just like I renew the old pieces in my shop to make them new and different and purposeful for today. Shaping wood requires some cutting and sanding. My own life and practice as a coach requires the same. I seek renewal in other ways as well. In relationships we find renewal present in conversation and fellowship. In work we find renewal in accomplishment and use of expertise. In nature we find renewal fresh and new in the spring days. It’s pulsing and alive with it right now.

Shaping wood requires some cutting and sanding. My own life and practice as a coach requires the same.

Spend some time gaining awareness of your spirit. Explore what renews you by investing your time rather than spending it. Invest it in a walk or sitting on your patio watching the birds or looking at the flowers or trees opening up to another season. After you take your allergy medicine, make sure to breathe in the sweet smells of flowering trees and shrubs. Renewal is not a destination. It is a part of the cycle of life and development as a person. It involves reconnecting and refreshing – with yourself, your relationships, nature, everything around you. You may even find that your process of renewal will result in new creations and gifts – much like what happens in my shop.

Renewal is not a destination. It is a part of the cycle of life and development as a person.

 Questions to Consider

• What insights came up for you while thinking about renewal? About your spirit? About connection?
• Is there something in your life that has served you well, but is no longer needed, or needs renewal?
• What are your gifts of renewal?

I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section and/or reach out via https://www.facebook.com/HeartwoodGroup.

“Stuff” that’s come up over the years.

Hello again to all. The Heartwood Group is continuing to share information that we think might help you maintain focus, think in different ways, and provide a constructive alternative to the non-stop news cycles.

Val Tripi, Senior Associate and Trusty Sidekick

Following below is a collection of “stuff” that’s come up since I  began The Heartwood Group. These are things I’ve either said, written, or somehow made reference to. Unbeknownst to me, my Senior Associate Val Tripi (aka my “trusty sidekick”), has been collecting these bits and pieces of stuff over the last 4 years in the hopes of eventually shaping them into something useful. It is truly strange to be verbally stalked like this Val! She is an essential part of The Heartwood Group. Her contributions to our clients has been immeasurable. Thanks Val.

In Val’s words — “Mark, there’s some stuff here that I think will really help people. We need to get it to them!” So here they are all 36 of them — I was surprised to see how many of them seem to tie into what’s going on today. If anything strikes you, that will make Val very happy! I encourage you to reach out to someone and talk about it – or leave a comment here and let’s start a conversation.

1. When we think about what we can do together we are powerful.
2. Supportive. Generous. Committed. Loyal. Unselfish. Thankful. Consistent. Appreciative. Visionary. Compassionate. Focused. If anyone you know thinks you’re any one of these – you’re doing just fine – keep on being that.
3. S-u-c-c-e-s-s is what YOU decide it is.
4. We can’t be successful, well rounded people without being in relationship with someone (or something). Even those who think they are “going it alone” are fooling themselves. We ARE relationship.
5. “Showing up” is a combination of a person’s contributions, attitude, energy and overall presence. Just “being there” isn’t showing up.
6. There is great value in (at least) making the effort to explore different thinking. Be an instigator of new thinking.
7. Peculiar/different/out of the ordinary/not the norm are necessary for Breakthrough Thinking. They are  catalysts– not catastrophes.
8. If you want what normal people have, then do what normal people do. If you want something different then you have to be a little “different.”
9. History has shown that being different is necessary for our survival.
10. I don’t want to be defined by what I am, I want to be defined by who I am.
11. We need to move past labels or we will continue to use our language to keep everyone in their place.
12. We’re in a marketplace of ideas – which has no owner and is open to all, 24/7. Contribute to the marketplace.
13. Share yourself, your life, and your treasures with others who will value them. If you get taken advantage of occasionally you are on the right track. If you get hosed often you need to rethink things.
14. Generosity is not all about money; it also includes spirit. Don’t cheat others on your presence. Be fully available and a gifted listener.
15. Love is our calling. It’s not always a hug – sometimes it’s a kick in the butt when we need one.
16. Most of us want “black and white” in our lives – however, almost all real life is lived in the grey areas.
17. We can usually get help, but we usually need to ask.
18. Never give up as long as you have something
19. To live in peace, your values should always trump your security.
20. When you can only focus on the “next thing” you cheat yourself of a sense of completion or the opportunity to celebrate the present.
21. Only when we define what “well enough” is can we really leave “well enough” alone. We stop chasing and we start leading.
22. Focus on conversations while and when you are having them. It is enough to just be there in the moment. Try it and see how it might change you (and your relationships).
23. “Outer work” is the stuff that others see us do. It is important, but not enough.
24. “Inner work” only we see. Doing the inner work allows us to discover the values and ideals that drive us. It helps us know what to do (and what to not do).
25. You can’t generate accountability within others if you’ve never had the experience of being accountable to someone. Make yourself accountable.
26. Your perspective is so powerful. How you think and speak about your points of view can limit your actions — or propel you forward.
27. I’ve watched myself put fears out in front of my success — don’t make the same mistake. Practice being courageous — challenge yourself in small ways first, then move to what comes next.
28. Courage comes when we face our fears and move into our unknowns with a “willingness to act.”
29. Courage is learned as much as experienced.
30. No Risk =  No Courage  =  Limited Potential for Growth.
31. Informed Risk =  Courage  =  Unlimited Potential for Growth.
32. We play small when we shrink our ideals to fit our current environment.
33. Having an honest conversation with yourself can be extremely enlightening. Don’t deprive yourself of that opportunity.
34. At times, our lives may seem to be in darkness, and that darkness can be “not knowing.” Knowing brings light.
35. Having no answers, and having to make your way through the unknown to the light takes real courage.
36. You can’t see what’s ahead – but you’ll never experience unknown possibilities unless you choose to walk on.

Again, share anything you want with your friends, coworkers, and network. Steal shamelessly! I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section and/or reach out via https://www.facebook.com/HeartwoodGroup.

Fear is a Feeling

We all feel fear. As humans, we feel many other feelings as well. Lots of them. A key to working through all of them – especially fear – is to remember that feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are feelings. To clarify right up front, I’m not asking anyone to “discount” their feelings. They’re valid because your body is feeling them. In times of crisis  they are a tremendous source of information for us and provide a meaningful service to us.

I’m not going to go deep into neuroscience here, but I want to make this distinction upfront for the sake of clarity. From a very simplified perspective, emotions come from our limbic system, while feelings come from our thinking (our unique interpretation of events) and are manifested in our body (nervousness, tension, heart rate, gut, muscle tension). The feeling of fear is a signal – an alert to real or perceived danger. It’s a primitive response that prompts us to take some sort of action. Fear has helped us survive since the very beginning of human existence. Fear is a useful tool, not the enemy.

The feeling of fear is a signal – an alert to real or perceived danger.

Often fear can own us when we venture into enemy territory. We can allow it to overwhelm us and make us temporarily forget that we have more agency than we know — and we can make different choices. Fear may “feel” bad, but that will pass. What we’re left with is the responsibility to exist with fear while still making good choices on how we’ll move through it. Life will move on and we will too.

Many, many people are gripped by fear right now. Fear of what’s to come next, of short-term impact, long-term impact, how their lives and the lives of friends and loved ones will change. Fear of the unknown. None of us can ever know what each new day will bring. Crisis or sudden change creates heightened awareness of our inability to control all outcomes. This is not new; it has always been this way. We need skills to frame up new realities around what is real and what really is in our control.

We have the responsibility to exist with fear while still making good choices on how we’ll move through it.

My own personal testimony involves going through the farm crisis as a 24-year-old farmer and partner in a family farm in the 1980’s. All I ever wanted to be in life was a farmer, it consumed me growing up. I thought college was a waste of time. My mother said it was necessary for all of us to go to college. So, we did — and she was right.

In a short space of time we lost over 50% of the farms in much of Iowa. The farming community went through a morass of downturn and sell-outs like no one had seen since the dust bowl years. I can’t begin to tell you about the months and months of worry that gripped me. It was crushing at times, and in reality, it broke me…in a good way. I made a decision during this malaise that I was sick of it…not farming, but worrying. I know it sounds simplistic, but I just decided to stop worrying. For me it was a very real and surreal spiritual experience — and I’ve never been the same.

Several of my immediate neighbors during that time took their lives because they couldn’t control their outcomes. Losing the farm was more than they could bear. This saddens me to this day — farming is an awesome way of life, but it’s not the ONLY way of life. New choices arise – they always do. It’s part of life. You may have uncertainty about a job right now, but there will be work. You can’t know the outcome. Worry about that when it happens.

Worry steals our choices. We worry about the worst thing that can happen and think that will solve our uneasiness. It won’t — your uneasiness is just a feeling. Our only way out is to face our fears not as an enemy, but an opportunity for choosing something more powerful to focus on. The enemy we fight now is the failure to remember that we do have choices. We have always been powerless over some things, not all things. Accepting that truth makes all the difference in the world.

The enemy we fight now is the failure to remember that we do have choices.

An essential part of my coaching method is to help those I work with grow their ability to actively influence themselves and those around them. “Active Influence” simply means being engaged and involved in the right things, in the right way, and at the right time. I’ve published quite a few posts about how to develop this way of being and doing. If you’re curious and want to learn more about it, this is a good place to start: https://www.heartwoodgroup.com/archives/1225.

 Active Influence means being engaged and involved in the right things, in the right way, and at the right time.

You Know the Best Choices for You

Start by trusting yourself. I don’t know the best choices for you right now; no one does but you. I do know that regardless of what you’re feeling right now, inside you know what’s right for you.

Do I worry still? Yes, I absolutely do find myself within it even now. But not for long, because I have more choices now than just to worry — and I choose my other options more readily. Here’s the most valuable direction I can offer you right now:

1. Focus on what is real and live in the moment.
2. Get out of your head by capturing and recognizing some “high volume” thoughts, and live in the moment.
3. Regain trust in a future regardless of control, and live in the moment.
4. Live in the moment.

Trust that you and I can (and will) be going into the future with assistance (agency) and partnership for a new future. The future will arrive — you can count on it and it will need your full participation.

My best to all of you right now. I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section and/or reach out via https://www.facebook.com/HeartwoodGroup.

Reflection is essential to transformation — no reflection, no transformation.

A Time of Transformation

Well everyone – first of all — I hope you are safe, well, and doing your best to care for yourself and others. As you know, my work is essentially about transformation, and this is indeed a time of transformation for all of us. The Heartwood Group will be sharing short posts frequently in the upcoming weeks in the hope of providing a space for focus and clarity as so many things race around in our heads.

Many of us are more cut off from people, places and things than we’ve been in a very long time, and it happened almost overnight. It’s strange, uncomfortable, and downright scary for many. We suddenly have more time with ourselves and our thoughts — and in times like these it’s not a particularly good thing. I’m concerned for my grandchildren and my daughter who is a Nurse Practitioner. That’s the short list of my recent thoughts. So I bring myself to the present moment, we’re going to work with where we are right now…

You may have heard me use this mantra — “reflection is essential to transformation — no reflection, no transformation.” Please use some of your alone time to reflect. Not on the immediate issues (over which we have limited control) but on you — go deeper and stretch yourself. Our ideals get scuffed up pretty quickly by practical or imposed realities. Don’t worry, it’s all part of our reset. We won’t be the same because of this and that’s really alright and a good thing.

You may find during this time of forced isolation that you strengthen some beliefs you’ve held for a very long time. You may also graciously and with courage let go of some beliefs. Don’t be surprised if deep emotions come up. My experience as a coach has proven that the most surprising emotions are powerful insights really. They are your own truths and dreams you’ve held hostage for some time. Give yourself permission to explore your edges a bit more these days. Anxious feelings and thoughts are not going to kill or harm you, they are opportunities for decisions and leadership.

You think there aren’t some anxious leaders serving our community right now? These leaders are legion, look around and begin to see them. Truck drivers, farmers, healthcare, all first responders, military, essential needs workers, and so many to name. This is what leadership looks like, even though anxious we go to work. We need to stop taking them and each other for granted. It’s time to reflect on others outside of us and acknowledge how dependent we are on each other.

If you follow through with this idea and make self-reflection a regular practice, you’ll develop a greater awareness of reality and the ability to gain access to truth, intuition, and personal trust. You will access your internal guide. I encourage you to just try. Use a journal and write your thoughts, or read through the following questions and mentally reflect on them.

Questions for Reflection

• What’s the new paradigm of life and work teaching you about yourself?
• What have you been struggling to say yes or no to in your life or work that needs your permission to stay or leave?
• What are you most proud of in your life that you can commit yourself to live into it even stronger?
• What have you left undone for too long that you can use this time to complete?
• What 3 important things will you change immediately?

You Will Benefit Now – and Later

We are transforming, and the entire world is transforming right now in an unprecedented way. Use some of your alone time to do some good – for yourself, your family, your career, our world. We will arrive at a new normal, life will continue, and you’ll be armed with a tool that will benefit you forever. I am making my action list and the energy is already growing.

I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section and/or reach out via https://www.facebook.com/HeartwoodGroup.

The final segment in this Discipline of Leadership series features a topic I’ve brought up before, but it’s SO VERY CRITICAL to effective leadership that I’ve decided to touch on it again. In an article posted last fall I went deep into “straight talk” within the context of Active Influence. If you haven’t read it yet, click on https://www.heartwoodgroup.com/archives/2110 — it’s worth a few minutes of your time. The following excerpt  gives you an idea of the core premise:

Having leaders who are coached to be straight-talking and compassionate is a significant element in the success of a business start-up or in sustaining an enterprise over time.

Straight Talk Is A Practice That Becomes a Learned Skill

It’s coming back to practice again! I covered the need for successful leaders to “practice continuously” in Part 2 of this series The Discipline of Leadership – Part 2: Focus & Practice. For almost everyone, delivering straight talk and feedback effectively is a skill that can be honed. It requires knowledge, forethought, effort and skill.  Here’s a quick recap of the basic guidelines for giving both:

• Always ask for permission – you need a set-up before you begin
• Be timely – don’t put off having a difficult conversation because it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable
• Make clear requests and articulate direction – have clarity of content before you engage
• Speak in simple, meaningful words – don’t sugarcoat or mask
• Understand there will be learning for both parties. This is a two-way communication — you will be speaking and listening
• Stay centered in the value it will create and not any perceived pain it might cause

The Success of Straight Talk Relies on the Receiver Understanding Your Intent

No matter how well-researched and well-practiced you are, if the receiver questions your commitment, authenticity or motives you won’t get the results you’re after. The ultimate purpose of straight talk to add value and lay a pathway for effective action. It’s wasted effort (or much worse) if it doesn’t come across as intended. Remember that people can tolerate and benefit from some very difficult conversation from you, IF they believe you are genuinely committed to them.

. . .if the receiver questions your commitment, authenticity or motives you won’t get the results you’re after.

The receiver’s perspective is the single most important piece of effective straight talk. So important that if you can’t get this right, don’t do it. You can do more damage than good. Offer grounded assessments or clear speculations. OPINIONS have no place in feedback or straight talk. Opinions are ungrounded assessments based on feelings, hearsay, and your own “crap.” I’ve seen feedback givers get dressed down by receivers because they got caught up in the story from somebody and none of the information was true. It turned out to be someone’s interpretation (which comes back to their listening skills, by the way).

The receiver’s perspective is the single most important piece of effective straight talk.

A better approach would have been to tell someone that you received some information and you wanted them to hear it and process. That is way different than assuming it was something they needed to act upon. That’s why you should rarely get put in a position to deliver someone else’s straight talk. EVEN if it is your boss. Always best to facilitate that exchange. Once you take on that responsibility you have become an enabler for both parties. Stay out of the middle at all costs.

Feedback — Creating Awareness With Others

Feedback is different in my opinion. Feedback is just what it is. You don’t need to make your own interpretations. Just deliver what you have seen and heard and let it land. Let the hearer decide if it is worth consideration, true, or something to be ignored. This is not gossip, it’s being committed to creating awareness with others. And allowing them to be proactive in their development and relationships. Feedback retained or put off now may be the end of a career later. Usually it’s more difficult to say it than to hear it. Don’t make it about you.

Feedback is just what it is. . .Just deliver what you have seen and heard and let it land.

Straight talk is something that shows up in deepened, trusted relationships. These relationships are bounded and grounded in commitment. There’s risk in saying or doing something that doesn’t feel good so that you can help someone else. Straight talk needs to be valued and encouraged by you. It’s hard for people to really tell you straight. They want to soften the blow. They think it’s about your feelings, but it’s not. It’s how speaking to you makes them feel. In that moment we become more committed to our own feelings than the relationship.

It’s hard for people to really tell you straight. They want to soften the blow.

Part of the practice of giving and hearing straight talk is managing our emotions. I talked about this a few posts back in the context of Emotional intelligence and using it to actively influence outcomes. All these skills or perspectives I’m covering here are a part of this practice. Telling it straight is a lost attribute as much as an acquired skill. Kids do it as soon as they can language. They describe things as they see them. Then our parents and our culture train us out of it. In many ways giving straight talk is recapturing something we lost long ago. We were taught to be polite at the expense of telling it like it is.

In many ways giving straight talk is recapturing something we lost long ago.

You Give – and You Receive!

As I mentioned earlier, communications is a two-way street. At times you will be in the position of receiver. Here are some brief pointers on how to receive this gift with grace:

• Don’t ask for feedback unless you’re willing to accept and most importantly, ACT on it
• Say thanks when you receive feedback; then indicate how you’ll use it and how you’ll be accountable for it
• If you can’t/won’t accept feedback offered, simply thank the person and say you’re unwilling to change at this time. (It’s honest, but be careful. Even the worst feedback may have even the smallest thread of insight for you.) Make sure it’s not about the giver versus the content

Quick Check-In

At this stage of your career, how would you rate your mastery of straight talk? Do the self-assessment below and see where you stand.

• How do you prepare for a conversation involving straight talk? How do you determine when to have it?
• Do you ask for permission before you make an inquiry or offer direct feedback to a peer or subordinate?
• In what situations do you deviate from that practice? Why?
• In important conversations, what practice do you follow to ensure you effectively communicate “Why, How, and What” in simple, yet meaningful ways?
• Is the risk of “telling it like it is” more than you are willing accept? Why?

If your gut tells you that you need work in this area, or you’ve received feedback indicating you need to improve this skill, reach out to a colleague or coach for help. Or, you can always reach out to us for more information. Not a lot has been written about Straight Talk as a subject matter so it’s hard to teach yourself how to do it. I have access to a network of coaches around the world that could be a great source of support if you feel you need it. Masterful coaches make straight talk one of their main tools in the coaching toolbox.

 A Disciplined Leader

This wraps up my 3-part series on The Discipline of Leadership. If you:

• Make a habit of keeping your commitments
• Maintain intense focus on the right things and practice fundamentals continuously
• Master the skill of delivering effective straight talk

you will become (and remain) a powerful and disciplined leader, and an ACTIVE INFLUENCER of the success of your business and those around you.

• Maintaining intense and sustained focus
• Commitment to practice continuously

This post continues my discussion of the disciplines an effective leader must have. Discipline 1 is the ability to make commitments over time. Discipline 2 involves two fundamentals – the ability to sustain focus and commitment to practice.

Baseball players must focus on fundamentals, the core basics of the game – continuously throughout their entire careers. With intense focus and ongoing practice, they increase the likelihood that they’ll have highly successful, long-lived careers. With few exceptions, anyone who reaches a level of mastery in their field does exactly the same thing. It’s not sexy, not particularly fun, but you can’t become the leader you strive to be if you don’t buy into this philosophy.  To quote my last post – “we aren’t born with discipline – we have to acquire it. Leadership, like any other learned skill, has its fundamental disciplines. These must be learned and reinforced, despite the level of innate talent you’re born with.”

Maintaining Intense and Sustained Focus

In my experience I’ve found that many people consider this attribute a given, but it shouldn’t be minimized. Unless you’re notoriously lucky, you can’t keep moving forward in the direction you’ve charted without keeping your gaze firmly focused on the “horizon” — no matter what else happens. This ability demands many things. . .

Self-Awareness

The ability to maintain focus starts with basic self-awareness.

My consulting group held a learning session recently for a group of budding entrepreneurs — eager, energized people who are building businesses, careers and a whole new world. We led them through an exercise where they had to focus solely on their thinking. They looked at where they were passive, reactive, proactive or predictive (more to come on this subject in the future). The takeaway was that many of them became aware of tasks or activities they routinely didn’t do — or did do, that they weren’t really conscious of doing.

Self-awareness requires reflection and is a necessary practice for leaders. Achieving confidence and transformation requires it. I strongly encourage you to develop a regular reflection practice. My experience has shown that your investment will pay off. Reach out to us at The Heartwood Group or search online for some good tools for making this a practice. The paperback version of our ACTIVE TRANSFORMATION book actually comes bundled with a journal. The book’s approach is based on self-reflection and many of our clients have found significant value in working through it.

Self-awareness requires reflection and is a necessary practice for leaders.

Prioritization

If you’re familiar with the Heartwood Group’s Blueprint Discovery process, you know that after you identify your Current State and Future State you can readily see what falls in the gap. (If you’re not familiar with this tool,  take a look at previous blog postings or check out the ACTIVE TRANSFORMATION book.) Once you’ve prioritized your gap items, you can build a simple 1-Page Plan for each. If you keep your 1-Page Plans at the forefront and use them as a dynamic accountability tool, you’re practically guaranteed that your time, effort and resources will be prioritized the right way. I’ve seen this work time and time again in my practice.

Systems-Thinking Mindset

Although your priorities and goals may be clearly established, they may shift depending on the bigger picture. Part of maintaining the right focus is to know when you have to “step back” and view situations from a broader lens. Only then can you effectively re-focus on the “right” moves. If you don’t, you may fall into a very common pattern of sub-optimization, which is simply working on something that makes you feel good but doesn’t increase real output for the given system.

Part of maintaining the right focus is to know when you have to “step back” and view situations from a broader lens. Only then can you effectively re-focus on the “right” moves.

Selective Information Intake

Data is not necessarily knowledge. Most importantly data is not truth. Massive amounts of unfiltered data will  overload and distract you, not serve you. When we look for data to prove our predetermined ideas we bend the data to fit our paradigm. We often already know what we need to do or should do, but we look for data to talk us out of the road less traveled. Our discontent and need for comfort drives our need for data.

Use Technology but Don’t Let it Use You

Use everything you need to do your job efficiently. Take advantage of every app, device, platform, whatever. Just don’t let technology unnecessarily eat away at your finite bank of time. 24/7 connectivity carries with it great advantage as well as enormous time-sucking traps. Remember, rest and work, rest and work…good music always has some rest signs between the notes. Otherwise a symphony just becomes a cacophony of noisy gongs, brass sections and no orchestration of the instrument sections.

Consider Getting Up Earlier

Mom or Dad may have first introduced this concept to you. Or maybe it was Benjamin Franklin (“early to bed…early to rise”) who is said to have gotten up every morning at 5am after wearing his clothes to bed so he could start working as soon as he got up. You don’t need to go that far – just give yourself the time, space and quiet to reflect and focus on the day ahead of you, no matter what time your day starts. I have a friend who is a true night owl. His creative time is best between 11pm to 2am. Find your space.

. . . give yourself the time, space and quiet to reflect and focus on the day ahead of you, no matter what time your day starts.

Get a Coach If You Have Difficulty With Any of This

And finally, no matter how great a leader you are, this stuff doesn’t come naturally to many people. If you have trouble getting and maintaining the level of focus required for you to get where you need to go, consider working with a coach, who can hold you accountable to the future you want. Professional coaches are trained to help you process your challenges and opportunities into effective action. We all need support to truly change and go after our best future.

Commitment to Practice Continuously

No matter how long you’ve been in business, how successful you’ve become, or how smart you know you are, don’t ever stop doing those foundational things that form the backbone of continuous success. Even the most elite athletes never stop practicing – elite leaders don’t, either. I think a first step for many of us is to reframe how we see our businesses or professions. It’s easy to see lawyers, nurses, doctors, and accountants being involved with a practice. They need certifications, continuous learning and effective processes that they must keep practicing. I’ve spent most of my last 20 years encouraging leaders and business owners to see themselves as practitioners. When they make this shift, they open a completely different mindset on staying effective and accountable. Following are some very recognizable things that you may not have seen as practices. It’s not a complete list, and I often want my clients to unearth and name practices for themselves, which makes them the designer and owner.

When leaders and business owners see themselves as practitioners, they open a completely different mindset on staying effective and accountable.

Planning

How many of us avoid planning because plans change? We all go through this adventure of frustration with our plans going awry. I finally learned why I plan; it’s not for the “planned” things. I plan so I can deal with and take advantage of “unplanned” things, which can be problems or opportunities. Planning takes time. Checking in and adjusting our plan also takes time. Don’t wing it – this is an essential practice if you want to maximize your capacity to deliver on your promises.

When we think of planning as just a strategic action, we can make it too long term, which in and of itself gives us reasons to not do it. This is a discipline that covers all time horizons and is not about being rigid or unbending. Planning enables leaders to make decisions that increase the possibilities of achieving their preferred future. Plans  need to be put into perspective and not used to limit our possibilities, but  increase them!

Planning is an essential practice if you want to maximize your capacity to deliver on your promises.

Core Organizational Skills

This practice is closely related to planning, yet different. Planning is process driven — organizational skills are about  structure and efficiency. Ontologically we all are organized in some way, but it’s not always the optimal way. We get organized around our tasks versus our values and objectives. Busy-work instead of being-work might be one way I would describe it. Organizational skills can be as simple as keeping your desk clear. We don’t think about our desk or work area “organizing us” to be either focused or messed up and scattered. In one sense our environment can “coach” us to be disorganized.

Digitization of your work is one aspect that I have seen lacking for many clients. They don’t set up a taxonomy for how to store important documents or tools for retrieval. I’ve been there. Somehow we can get our minds wrapped around having an orderly spice pantry, but our computer is something we allow to be a mess which soon begins to manage us — rather than a useful tool for creating value in our lives and work. I have used organization coaches to help me get set up and I follow core organizational practices. If you don’t value these skills you’re wasting time.

In one sense our environment can “coach” us to be disorganized.

Core Processes

Processes can be embedded into many of our actions. Each process should have a clear goal, and doesn’t need to be complicated. Use process as part of your practice when it advances your ability to achieve success with a client’s outcomes –or makes you a more efficient and effective leader. Discovery, strategic thinking, implementation and execution are the underlying elements that are involved in this framework of practice.

Listening

Here’s another area we think of as a natural existing element and spend little conscious time understanding. Start thinking about listening as a practice and you will give yourself to a lifetime of improvement. So much of our own perspective impacts our ability to truly listen. How we listen is often not even a consideration. We listen for things that reinforce our own ideas. Listening from nothing seems a bit strange, but that’s how we begin to detach our own bias and see what shows up in a conversation. I could devote another blog post entirely to this area. Much has been written about the importance of being a good listener — in the end we must practice it. Over time we will see that our listening skills alone can define us and become the strongest part of our toolbox as a leader.

Start thinking about listening as a practice and you will give yourself to a lifetime of improvement.

Networking

Do you think that this is hard? I know several people who find it a bit overwhelming. They over complicate the process. We overlook our existing relationships as the base to start growing this practice and skill. Think about how many people your closest contacts are connected to. Then multiply from there and you see the “Kevin Bacon 6 Degrees” factor is not some comic gig. It’s as real as it gets! Setting goals in this area starts to put some legs on networking.

For example, make it your goal to take someone to coffee once a week and see what happens. Ensure your  networking has a purpose, which could be learning or collecting qualitative research on your ideas. You might make a request of that person, but be careful with this one. The real value of networking is that it creates power beyond our own little thoughts and ideas. The best way to network is to help others with their needs and be oriented to help them with their hopes and dreams.

The real value of networking is that it creates power beyond our own little thoughts and ideas.

Learning

Recently I had a young woman contact me with interest in growing her consulting business. I asked her several questions, but one seemed most provocative. I asked, “What is your learning plan? Where are you investing in yourself to expand your ability and capacity to serve your clients?” We often approach learning in our own self-centered way. Not selfishly, but we don’t do it in context of what we need to become better for others. Learning  can be as simple as reading. It can take place through networking. An established learning practice is essential for a disciplined leader. You need to have breakthroughs, so that others you work with can have breakthroughs. Otherwise we can all become stale and a bit behind the times.

What practices do you have?

Self-Assessment Questions

• What areas/tasks are easy for you to maintain focus on?
• What areas/tasks are hard?
• Is there something that consistently causes you to lose momentum or focus?

What do you need to practice more to achieve

• Key Components of Commitment
• Making a Decision
• Taking Ownership
• Using Your Network & Knowledge
• We Either Are or Are Not Committed

We aren’t born with discipline – we have to acquire it. Leadership, like any other learned skill, has its fundamental disciplines. These must be learned and reinforced, despite the level of innate talent you’re born with. Anyone can espouse what great leadership looks like. Living it out in your day to day interaction is a wholly different thing. Simon Sinek has quickly become a sage to leaders of all ages. I couldn’t argue with much of what he espouses. The “knowing” part of change is the easiest part. How do I do it and sustain it? How does it get embedded into my DNA as a leader? That is where the rubber meets the road on true discipline.

Putting leadership into practice requires a level of discipline that is not often experienced. It takes time, consistent practice, and requires a clear focus on the end result. Once you step onto the field of play in business and life, you find that not all of the popular leadership books do a good job helping you understand the disciplines of an effective leader. Effective…got it? That’s the biggest test for any of us who lead. Are we effective, so that we can affect outcomes? What are some key disciplines leaders know they must have to succeed? I’ll cover three of the biggies in this series of posts. I’ll start with the one that scares many people — “C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T”.

To  be a disciplined leader, ground zero is the ability to make and keep commitments repeatedly over time. Leaders make decisions, decisions require commitment and a leader’s commitments are gold. I define commitment as a way of being intellectually and emotionally bound to a purposeful action. Once you say you are committed, then that means you will do whatever it takes to deliver. Aristotle really hit the nail on the head when he told us — “we are what we repeatedly do — excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

I define commitment as a way of being intellectually and emotionally bound to a purposeful action.

 Leadership excellence means we make a habit of keeping our commitments. Do it repeatedly and see how much power and capacity you begin to create for yourself and those depending on your leadership. Keep your meetings and appointments with employees with the same rigor you would give to your largest-paying client. This rigor in showing up on time is the foundation you will build everything upon in the future. Understanding commitment not only tells you what you will do, but it tells you what you will not do. Life becomes more straightforward, but not easier. “Being” your word is a powerful play to run in work and life. Make it a practice.

In my view, the process of commitment involves three key components:

• Making a Decision
• Taking Ownership
• Using Your Network & Knowledge

Making a Decision

Some decisions are easy. Many are not, particularly in today’s increasingly complex, competitive and shape-shifting reality. Things are not likely to get easier, so rise to the task. Keep in mind:

• We struggle with making decisions when we lack perspective or focus.
• To gain perspective, we must learn from past judgment and tough calls based on the experiences of others. We must do the hard work of gathering points of view that will serve as a guide—constantly.
• Making decisions requires commitment along with the ability to trust
• Consequences, whether good or bad, are the “title” or proof of ownership when we make decisions. Not everybody wants to be an owner, nor should they be. At some point you have to own the results of your decision and not blame others for outcomes.

Everyone approaches decision-making based on things like experiences, personal values, process, and intuition. I’m still perplexed about how I can make big life changing decisions or handle tough deals in a marketplace with little stress. YET, put a lunch menu in my hand with too many choices and I can lock up like rusty wrench. So, each of us have our spaces and places where we see some decisions as tougher than others. I’ve solved the menu problem by just picking something…literally that’s what I had to learn to do. A practice I needed!

Intensity and importance, along with level of impact are what fuels pressure. Assessing the degree of pressure surrounding a decision begins with clearly understanding the critical success factors vital to reaching necessary outcomes. This area often falls under a varying degree of each person’s perspective. What you may find daunting, may not seem quite so to another person. We all handle or feel pressure/force differently. With experience some leaders get better at making decisions under pressure and other leaders or managers never have a breakthrough. That’s why you see some leave jobs because of stress, while others thrive.

Pressure to perform is a good thing. I really believe it does provide a crucible for growth and learning. I’m not saying we need to be in the pressure cooker every second, but if we don’t find ourselves a bit stretched, we may never find our capabilities. Life is full of expectations; leaders and winners I’ve coached want to commit to a challenge. It can be addictive in a good way. It’s more about growth and learning and less about achievement. It’s fun!

With experience some leaders get better at making decisions under pressure and others never have a breakthrough. That’s why you see some leave jobs because of stress, while others thrive.

Time weighs in heavy when making decisions. The amount of time afforded you is most often not in your control — it’s a circumstance to be dealt with—either accepted or overcome. Some opportunities have a window. Life and work move so fast that opportunity doesn’t take the time to even knock. It slows down just long enough for you to recognize it, run alongside it, and jump on board. Don’t let the realities of time force you to break your commitments.

This point really hit home for me when I was a part of a dynamic and highly committed leadership team. A colleague named Dr. Wayne Weiland was a key leader for our team. At one meeting he brought up the prioritizing concept of “glass balls”. It’s up to you to recognize your “glass balls”—those things that if dropped would be extremely detrimental to the success of your business, or you as a leader. The name of the game is to choose your glass balls wisely. How many  can you realistically hold without dropping and breaking them? And — do you have the right ones? Because the deal is, once you pick them up you can’t put them down. You own them – they’re yours to make happen.

Know where you’re most vulnerable and choose your commitments well. The funny thing about commitment is how amazingly uncomplicated it is compared to many of the things we may consider as a leader. It is as much a way of being as it is something we exhibit by our actions. We either are or are not committed. There is no middle ground, and this makes the awareness (or distinction) of commitment so powerful for all of us as leaders. If you are over-committed it’s your fault. That may be a statement that will rankle some who read this, but we have to live with this distinction clear in our minds. Otherwise, we will slowly let ourselves “off the hook”.

Don’t let realities of time force you to break your commitments. We all have 24 hours in a day.

Be specific in what you’re committing to and don’t over commit (which is known by another name…failure). Get a win and keep winning by delivering on your word. In the book “The Leadership Challenge” by Kouzes ad Posner they talk about the DWYSYWD. Do What You Say You Will Do. This builds a foundation of credibility. Disciplined leaders exude credibility.

Now, admittedly this puts all the pressure on personal homework up front before you go around giving your word on something right from the “get go”. Know this going in — it won’t be the big deals or items where you get challenged the most to keep your commitments. My personal experience that of my clients is that things unravel at a much simpler level. It shows up in the “small” things. Will you make it okay to be home 10-15 minutes late while your partner has dinner ready at the agreed upon time? Or, maybe you’ve had a rough week and crawl home mentally drained. . . but you promised your kids you’d take them to the library, or out for pizza, or to the park (you fill in the blank). Feelings don’t serve us well in the space of commitment. Remember — we either are or are not committed; there is no middle ground.

Taking Ownership

Ideal leaders don’t make their problems anyone else’s — they own them and act accordingly. This is the next essential component of commitment I’ll talk about. The magic in the discipline of owning your problems, challenges and opportunities is taking initiative. I like this definition of initiative:

The power or opportunity to act or take charge before others do.

To me, that says it all. Fill your company or team with solution-oriented people who assume ownership from the get-go, give down-stream employees support to solve problems on their own, and provide employees with the resources and moral support to ask for help. You can’t control all the outcomes or circumstances, but you can stay drilled in on the things you can control and influence. Live up to your commitments, even when crap happens. Don’t forget that those glass balls you’ve picked up you now own – and you need to carry them safely to the endpoint. How well you do this will dictate your success or failure.

Using Your Networks & Knowledge

Ideal leaders work to gain important perspectives and knowledge so they can make the best decisions possible. They tap into their networks to learn and connect with resources. This is the final critical piece of making informed commitments.

In many ways, leaders are their network; without the proper connections, a leader will  be powerless and inefficient at best (think about a computer network being down – nothing happens). Powerful or power-filled networks can tremendously expand your capacity to take care of business and do what you set out to do. As in most areas of life, your success is directly tied to the quality of your relationships. Commit now to building and maintaining your network of relationships. Nurture and build power within it by helping others to accomplish their objectives and goals.

In many ways, leaders are their network.

 We Either Are or Are Not Committed

Do you make a habit of keeping your commitments repeatedly over time? Do the quick awareness self-assessment questions below and see where you stand.Think a bit before you answer — be as thorough and honest as you can. If you discover gaps or shortfalls, start outlining what the result of working on them would create in your life.

Making & Keeping Your Commitments

• I defined commitment as “being intellectually and emotionally bound to a purposeful action”. How do you define commitment to yourself and others in your network?
• As a disciplined leader, how do you demonstrate commitment to yourself? How does your ability fulfill on your commitments impact others?
• When you don’t keep your word what is the impact on you and others?
• What value would it bring if you made this a discipline and a practice?

Maybe its time to make being your word a discipline and practice. It will be nearly impossible to be either responsible or accountable without this base to build upon. Virtually impossible to have sustainable success as a leader and business owner. Next, find a coach or colleague that will help you grow in this area and become more aware and accountable. Contact The Heartwood Group if you’d like direction, we know lots of coaches around the world that would be a great source of support.

In matters of discipline (as well as everything else), the most successful leaders are mentally and intellectually aware – first and foremost of themselves. This is an ongoing effort. Part 2 will be the next posting. We will engage in furthering the discussion on how to maintain an intense focus and how straight talk with disciplined listening are essential to this notion of The Discipline of Leadership!

According to Psychology Today, Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) generally includes the ability to:

• Identify and name one’s own emotions (emotional awareness)
• Harness those emotions and apply them (to tasks like thinking and problem-solving)
• Manage emotions (regulating one’s own emotions and helping others do the same)

The “Wise” Ones. . .

Active influencers don’t just “show up” and effectively lead others (or themselves). Physical presence, title or position aren’t enough. Leaders need to be mentally and intellectually aware and available to people. Mental and intellectual availability requires high emotional intelligence. We come across this term a lot these days, but it’s not a new concept. Throughout history, many great leaders were  described as “wise” or “knowing”. These were emotionally intelligent people. In my world, someone with E.I. is:

A self-generated person who is separated and individuated.

 

In short this means a high level of self-awareness exists. Awareness of your “self” means you have done your homework on how people (certain types and individuals) can tweak your sensory and cognitive neuroscience. Situations may also be the culprit for taking us off our game and being less than our best version of ourselves. Emotions or feelings are strong influences on our being. A person (friend, coworker, spouse, politician) can take us from the present moment and put us into our heads big time. It happens to us in a split second. It’s what happens right after that emotional charging that matters. The choices you make.

An individuated person is someone that can separate themselves from people and situations, so that they can make more appropriate choices. They might also be able to disrupt a pattern of behavior between themselves and a person or team of people. I’m calling those people/situations the “IT”. We all have one. When we are not separating ourselves from “IT” (individuated) we are in “IT”. And when you are in “IT” there is no way you can make a different choice. The choice has already been made on your response a long time ago. Nothing new is possible. Conversely, when we are individuated human beings we can effectively wade into some very sticky situations and be an advocate for new possibilities or better outcomes.

The problem is letting “IT” (the person, place, or thing) affect the choices we make and the actions we take. Getting your choice back on how you choose to act is a big deal. And you will be a “wise one” for making this a priority. Just be aware that it is a practice and not a destination. It can require lots of preparation and self-reflection and a commitment to do deep personal work. Emotionally aware leaders work way more on themselves than they do on other people.

Emotional Awareness

Leaders who are active influencers cherish meaningful, productive time spent with others (employees, clients, family – any relationship). They understand that people want your full attention. It’s invaluable for a leader to gain clarity and understanding about those things that are most important to people and to communicate what they value. This is possible only if you are:

• Connected with others emotionally and intellectually
• In touch with your own emotional state
• Fully attentive and present

In other words, this requires a well-developed sense of emotional awareness. In my experience coaching leaders there is always an “IT”. People bring you their “IT” and expect you to solve “IT”. The biggest part of leading, coaching, and parenting is not always solving the “IT” for someone. Helping people unpack their emotions and feelings helps them begin to use those feelings as a great source of information rather than something to act out of automatically. They can begin to make choices independent of their automatic responses. I’ve confirmed in my own personal work that this is not easy, and it takes an attitude of being in the game of emotional awareness for a lifetime.

Emotional Availability

Effective leaders are continuously assessing  risk.  Many avoid the risk of being vulnerable in sharing—not only what they’re thinking, but also what they’re feeling. There are times when you need to check in with your feelings and emotions and make conscious choices about how you will harness and apply them (e.g., is it appropriate in the moment to share how you really feel about something or someone?). I honestly can’t teach this in leaders, I can have them experience it through coaching. They can practice it and grow their experience. Sometimes emotions just show up and we need to acknowledge them and not let them make us uncomfortable. It’s a part of who we are as human beings.

Emotional availability means more than letting people see that you are just as human as they are. Sharing your feelings gives people a strong sense of where you are as a leader. When they compare that “emotional information” to your actions they will discover whether you acted out of your feelings or your commitments. For example, to tell a team that you “feel challenged” to help them achieve the goals given to them may not be your first play. I’m not saying it’s wrong. It is likely authentic, but you could refine your feelings by saying it is going to take an effort bigger than anything they have ever accomplished prior to this year. That’s authentic and straight.

Often leaders just quote a company leadership line rather than being authentic. Let people know how high the hurdle is and they will decide how to jump it. Teams tend to take off like a rocket when they “truly see” the challenge. It’s freeing and motivating to be challenged by knowing how everyone feels about the challenge, but not being held captive by impossibilities.

Many leaders are emotionally aware, yet still expressly avoid feeling or sharing their feelings. That’s generally not a good thing to do. Here’s why:

• Feelings are a great source of information for leaders, and they often get discounted or ignored
• There’s a difference between acting out and acting upon feelings (a big difference)
• Feelings are a strong indicator of energy and commitment
• Acknowledging your feelings can be the beginning of checking in with your commitments
• The vulnerable leader is a powerful leader who is open and trusts him or herself as an emotional being
• An emotionally intelligent leader seeks clarity and understanding of the origins of their feelings

Leaders who don’t acknowledge their feelings as real, or act out of them in an automatic response, are not differentiated. When leaders shut down their feelings to protect themselves, some very important data is no longer accessible. They surrender their power.

Many leaders are emotionally aware, yet still expressly avoid feeling or sharing their feelings.  

 

Emotional Regulation

Leaders who want to be active influencers must be able to interpret and (sometimes) share what they’re sensing – it’s like a thinking/intuition tightrope. Action taken depends upon what’s occurring in the moment.  It takes great skill to identify your own emotions, the emotions of others in the room, and decide in that instant the best course to take. If you’re in a highly charged situation you can’t just “lose it” and expect to come out unscathed. And chances are you won’t.  If an employee or teammate is ready to lose it, you need to sense that and act accordingly (predictive thinking). It takes well-developed emotional intelligence to be aware of and able to regulate your emotions, while helping others do the same.

If you’re in  a highly charged situation you can’t just “lose it” and expect to come out unscathed.

Areas of “Self”

A fundamental part of E.I. is awareness. True awareness requires knowledge of and access to all of our distinct areas of Self. Anyone familiar with my work knows I talk a lot about “being” and “doing” – the difference, what each looks like, and how they shape our ability to lead.  Below in this section is a model depicting the three areas of Self that we act out of in life and work.  We need to understand all these areas and how they connect. This is essentially a mental model or framework that helps us put language to something that is quite unseen, fluid and hard to distinguish without an outside observer’s or coach’s support. The goal is about self-correction or being able to notice yourself and make adjustments.

As we grow into our mature leadership self we can, through reflective work, become better observers of ourselves. Eventually we can begin to even see if our observing is a bit off base, but this takes a lot of personal commitment to development. There are some important things to take away from this simple model:

1. It isn’t about right or wrong, but about what is most powerful.,
2. Use feelings as information and not a place for acting upon them.
3. Story is just what it says. It’s mostly made up interpretations based on things we’ve brought meaning to over time. They’re not real, but no less influential. This is a big area for reflection. Some, if not many, feelings are derived by these long-lost experiences that we made mean something.
4. Word is just a simple definition of where we can speak something into existence. This where possibilities exist, and new action can be taken. In the other areas of Story and Feelings, nothing new is possible. It’s all old rehearsal. Commitment lives in the space of Word.

BEING – how we show up

DOING – informed or automatic action 

Why Do We Need to Pay Attention to This Stuff?

Most leaders are doers. In fact, this is not at all a bad thing because leaders are known for the things they do. However, the doing needs to be informed by some transformational aspects that only come from the being side of leaders and leading. You don’t DO Leader. YOU can only BE a Leader. It’s your BEING that wins the day. My mentor/coach, Frederic Hudson said the mantra BE-DO. Once you know who or what you needed to BE the DOING would follow. We get caught up into the DOING mode because businesses and institutions reward it. It is perpetuated like a virus among people who are invested in growing share price rather than market share.

Being a doer may protect us from some deeper personal work too. I’ve come to believe that we know, intuitively or innately, we are the problem we will have to face head on. Doing some personal reflection may unearth some things we would rather not face or unpack. Self-contemplation and self-observation usually don’t come naturally and can be thought of as time-wasters. Here’s why you need to care.  Things are no longer linear. Not at work, at home or in the world at large. We are connected and interdependent whether we like it or not. That being the reality, we have to manage our relationships and build them with a new sense of awareness. The awareness starts with us. Your emotional intelligence (or lack of) can get you hired or fired; it will propel you up, or drag you down. Pay attention, do the work, hone your skills. High E.I. directly links to leadership effectiveness. You won’t be an Active Influencer unless you make this a priority.