Whether I agree with that decision or not is mostly irrelevant since we can’t change it now - but the point is that the country said, “to heck with rules and regulations made by someone across the pond, we want to do it our own way.”

The problem with that is some people have gone too far.

* Image and link from UWeekly

Let’s talk about wearing sweat pants in public. I don’t mean going to the gym to workout, I mean going to the grocery store, or the mall, or the bookstore, or to work in a corporate office while wearing sweat pants.

Yes you may have independence but that doesn’t mean you can’t have class any more. There’s a reason the Brits had the aristocracy and the bourgeoisie (which by the way - even though they were middle class they had class). It was to make sure that people didn’t go out in public without any self-esteem.

And while we’re talking about being in public without any class - farting, burping, and spitting in public? Seriously? Is our entire country being taken over by frat boys? I was at work this week and heard a group of guys walking down the hall when suddenly one of them practically created a sonic boom he farted so loudly. They then proceeded to laugh about it - all the way down the hall. Why is it funny to fart in the hallway at work? I guess he thinks that he’s independent and doesn’t have to abide by any social structures or definitions of what’s appropriate at work.

And while we’re on the subject of passing gas - it’s not even appropriate for you to do it in the bathroom in some situations, and here’s what I’m talking about.

If you and I are standing next to each other at the urinals, and you fart…that’s completely inappropriate and you don’t have any class. At least wait until I have finished and gone to the sink so I have some chance of getting out of the bathroom before your gas reaches my nose. I mean, seriously I do not need to breath in air that has been sitting in your lower intestines for the last two hours. It’s no different than you walking into my office, standing next to me, and tooting right into my face.

And finally…let’s talk about that other classless act of “coughing up a loogie” in front of other people. I do not want to be sipping my $5 mocha frappucino while sitting next to someone who is coughing up a huge wad of mucus then spitting it onto the ground. If you have to get rid of that much mucus I want to see a handkerchief or tissue completely covering your face while you do it and then you throw that thing into a trash can. I do not want to see you spit it on the ground, and I sure as heck don’t want to see you spit it on the stairwell at work (yep - it actually happened). No class whatsoever.

And so I send out this message of hope, to everyone who chooses to celebrate the American Independence Day on July 4 - please people, have some self-respect. Show that you have a modicum of class still left in you from those glory days of the colonies. Put on a decent pair of jeans, take a beano before going out for the day, and stop smoking.

You’ll make the world a better place - almost as good as if the queen herself was still in charge.

* Image via Weather Underground

Now usually when you look at a radar map and see green, you’re thinking, “Oh wonderful! We’re getting some much needed (or rather desperately needed) rain showers today!”. Your thinking would be wrong in this case. What you’re seeing here is the reflectivity - or in more plain words - a big stinking brown pile of smog in the air because it’s hotter than the blazes of places that have hot blazes!

Over the weekend I managed to stay cool by taking a dip in the pool - which incidentally by Sunday evening had gotten so warm it was like taking a bath…a nice bath, yes, especially when paired with a Domaine Chandon Sparkling Rose, but a bath none the less. When you have a Saturday of 105 followed by a Sunday of 107, a 10′ round pool gets warm pretty quickly.

It was disgusting to lay in the pool and look up into a brown sky. The smog didn’t clear until much later in the afternoon when it finally turned a normal shade of blue - yet this morning we’re back to brown again. This is really the only time I can’t stand the Sacramento valley. It captures and holds all the muck and nastiness that builds up in this heat and just deposits it right over my house.

And so I’d like to send out a message of hope today. I hope that everyone Spares the Air and stays home until it gets cooler!

He changed the face of the entertainment industry in uncountable ways - and then spent the rest of his life being slowly crucified.

I will always remember roller skating to the Thriller video, and I remember when it premiered and they showed the whole video at Sportsworld skating rink in Raleigh, NC.

It’s a sad thought that just as he was about to reclaim some of that greatness, he was gone. Who knows what caused it - there is already speculation that it could have been a drug overdose like Anna-Nicole Smith. It doesn’t matter the cause, it’s just sad and shocking.

So here I present to you some of the things I’ve written about him over the years.

December 15, 2005 - Music Makes a People Come Together (the most read post on this blog)

January 2, 2007 - Michael Jackson’s Wedding

May 30, 2007 - The Shadow of Michael Jackson (this was just a quick joke)

April 23, 2008 - I mentioned him in the dedication of Homo sarcasmus - Best of the Blog Volume 1.0

You will be missed.

“It is moderately interesting yet not-newsworthy that GLAAD recognized that that Perez Hilton apologized to the GLBT community for his use of anti-gay slurs,” said Heath Buckmaster, citizen and member of the community who did not care enough to want or need an apology from someone who does not represent or speak for said community.

“I will continue to champion the use of the English language to its fullest extent by those who deserve to use it. But quite frankly, who really cares about this topic in the first place? I sure don’t. Surely there was a bake sale somewhere that would be more interesting to report on.”

Heath has more than 56 star tattoos

Sorry Kimberly, but only 56 stars?

That’s just amateur.

Remember when I talked about going insane the other day? It was all because of a bathroom experience wherein I decided to have a conversation with a paper towel dispenser. I realize that by revealing this information I may have completely lost credibility with most sane people out there, but stay with me for a moment - because I’m not the only one.

When I posted that note along with the sound effect clip, I didn’t realize how much wide-spread coverage it would get. Well, not necessarily wide-spread, but it spread through David’s office like wildfire.

Apparently everyone at his office started walking around going “neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” to each other, mimicing my sound effect from my terrible bathroom experience. But that’s not the scariest part of this whole thing.

Also apparently they have similar paper towel dispensers at David’s office, however these dispensers make a VERY different noise. Having heard it, I have to say that if we had these where I work I actually would have gone clinically insane. I mean literally, not just figuratively.

But since there’s no way I can explain it to you in writing; you’re going to have to listen to the recording David made in their bathroom. This audio clip has not been modified in ANY way - it’s the actual sound made by the dispenser. You might want to be sitting down when you listen (and turn the volume up).

Listen to the recording

Gay communities and those who support them are showing pride with parades and demonstrations.

Activists in Sacramento were among the groups speaking up at the state capitol Saturday morning.

There was also a pride party at the city’s Southside Park.
[Article syndicated on MSNBC]

Yep. That’s it. 40 words. I think KCRA is taking this whole twitter concept a bit too far. It really is okay to use more words to describe something.

For example - there’s no mention of the rally at the capital or the subsequent march to Southside park for the festival.

What about a review of the A&A Music Events, A Church for All Gospel Choir, Sacramento Gay Men’s Chorus, CHEER San Francisco, Sacramento Sirens Cheer Elite, CHEER Sacramento, Uneaq, Road House Six, Empress XXXV of CGNIE: Miss Precious Taylor’d Cargo and members of the Court of the Great Northwest Imperial Empire (C.G.N.I.E.)? (reference)

Or perhaps a mention of the over 150 vendors or the curated Pride Art Show (which was new this year)?

And why not describe the 5 year old children of immigrants standing outside the park fence holding up signs condemning homosexuality?

Nope. All we got was a measly 40 words. Well here’s what I have to say about that…

KCRA: We report the

And I did it in 3 words.

I could list out all the thing that make me mad about the months of May through August…but let me focus on just a few…

1. It’s hot. The temperature rises into the uncomfortable zone of 80+. Without sounding like a hypocrite, I will admit that I do not mind weather in the 90’s while I’m flying down the highway with the windows down. Standing around in it, however, is a different story. Please bring on the shade.

2. In some places it’s humid. Thankfully not in Sacramento, but growing up in NC introduced me to 85 degrees and 1000% humidity. You couldn’t even walk outside without becoming soaked in sweat within moments. I am grateful that in our disgusting heat of California, the air is blissfully dry most of the time.

3. The sweat. That’s right - I become a big sweaty pile of Heath when the summertime hits. I do not enjoy going out at 7am to drive to work and it’s already 80 degrees. I do not enjoy leaving the office and seeing the temperature readout in my car tell me it’s 123 in the parking lot. And finally, I do not enjoy the sensation of my flesh crisping when I grasp the steering wheel to turn the car. My hands get clammy, beads of perspiration drip down the sides of my face and into my eyes, my anti-perspirate can’t cope, and I feel like I need to do a Marilyn Monroe to cool down my lower regions.

Summer burns. Summer dehydrates. Summer causes cancer.

And now I must go lay in front of the fan - even the heat coming off my computer is starting to make me sweat as my a/c desperately tries to keep up with the rising temperatures outside. I think this calls for a mojito bath.

It began with the text message, and that blasted response of “message too long to send” that we all dreaded. Ugh, how am I going to condense a grocery list from a paragraph to a sentence so I can text it to my partner? I guess lettuce could become let us, and cat food could shorten to catfUd.

Yeah, it’s stupid. It’s like saying that people you work with in India are “offshore resources”. No. An offshore resource would be someone working on an oil platform in the middle of the ocean. But back to language condensation.

Ah, I’ve just coined a new term for this madness…Language Condensation. Use it. Believe in it. Share it.

So this LC spread from text into other forms of communication, namely microblogging and status updates (read: Twitter & Facebook). Twitter is easy to understand - you are limited to 140 characters for your microblog/update. You can’t go beyond it no matter how hard you try, so if you want to convey a message you’ve either got to fit it, or split it. But I’ll give you a tip, no one likes part1/part2 messages. If you can’t say it in 140 characters, it’s not worth saying. (or at least that seems to be the mantra of Twitter)

Facebook, which has recently become more twitter-like with its activity stream, does not have the same limits. You can post a status update, attach a URL, insert an image, and pretty much add as many hyperlinks as you want. You can’t put more than a paragraph or so, but it goes WAY beyond 140 characters and can be much more “rich” in terms of media. But still you see this LC going on. We’ve started communicating in micro-updates pretty much everywhere we go online - but now it’s spreading to verbal communication.

I was chatting with a coworker the other day and had to just pause and stare at them a moment. I say chatting, but really it was them walking past my office and delivering their status update as they walked. “On my way to a meeting maybe we can catch lunch later bye!” I have to hand it to them, it was less than 140 characters at least. But come on. Seriously? My activity stream is a human conveyor belt that flows past my office.

“Good morning Heath” (from someone who walked by so fast I couldn’t even see who it was, and by the time I responded they were already half-way down the aisle)

“I’ll be five minutes late to that meeting,” followed by “Can you send me that presentation?” followed by “I can’t get into IM, what’s the bridge number?”.

From all around me I’m hearing status updates in 140 characters or less. We just can’t be bothered any more to come up with a full and complete sentence that expresses exactly what we want to express without fear of the listener missing out on some critical component of the message that will cause them to misunderstand my intentions and raise their eyebrows in a quizzical manner as if they are asking me to repeat myself but don’t want to actually ask me to repeat myself.

Wow…it’s completely draining to use so many words in one sentence. I apologize.

Tuesday. Having coffee. In a meeting. Dr. appt today. Good weather. L8r.

She hasn’t been eating much, so we’re modifying the medication a bit so that she’ll hopefully start eating a bit heavier. We might be switching her to moist food as well, since some of this medication is just too large to put in her mouth. At this point she doesn’t really prefer moist food, so we’ll have to find some that she finds tasty.

It’s been an emotionally draining week. It’s as if we’re walking on egg shells just wondering what is going to happen next. Here’s hoping for a safe and “normal” weekend.

This is the 700th post on this blog, and I would like to commemorate it with a poem.

Joe

I have a friend, whose name is Joe,
he likes peeing in the snow.
He also likes it when it’s hot,
and on weekends, he smokes pot.

Joe is white, with short brown hair,
to smooth his chest he uses Nair.
His eyes are bad so he wears glasses,
and likes to pinch the cute girls’ asses.

Joe is not the smartest guy,
he thinks that water is really dry.
He thinks the sky is upside down,
and that we’ll fall right off the ground.

He can’t read and he can’t write,
thank goodness that his teeth are white.
I’m not sure why he is my friend,
it must be ’cause he’s great in bed.

Yes, we really are that silly - we have a 10-foot round pool (complete with industrial strength pool pump / filter / etc.).

After a long day of being productive (all of this done in anticipation of summer BBQs/parties/etc.), we were relaxing after dinner thinking about what to do for the evening - perhaps a movie or something interesting that we’d recorded on the DVR.

I was sitting on the sofa next to Siobhan and she suddenly stood up and acted like she was going to have a dizzy spell. We’ve had to be very careful with her over the years because she has a grade 3 heart murmur and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (a thickening of the walls of the heart). We manage this by not being too active with her, and making sure she doesn’t get too riled up - but this time it was different.

She had been relaxing with me on the couch, then started to get woozy. I grabbed her and pulled her toward me as her legs began to stiffen then spasm, she lost control of her bowels, and basically acted like she was having a seizure. We later found out that she had gone into congestive heart failure - where the heart suddenly stops then restarts.

We rushed her to an emergency vet where she had two more episodes while they tried to stabilize her with oxygen and a medication that pulls fluid off the lungs and heart to help her breathe better. After about 30 minutes they recommended we get her to the UC Davis Vet hospital as soon as possible, so we took off for Davis.

Siobhan spent Saturday night in an oxygen box, and when we left her that evening she was starting to breathe better but was still very scared.

All day Sunday she continued to receive medication to take fluid off the lungs, but was able to come out of the oxygen container without incident.

Monday morning (today) she is having x-rays, heart ultrasound, and some other tests to determine next steps, although both doctors who have seen her said that she will recover just fine but will need to be on heart medication the rest of her life.

The worst part of all this is just not having her here - not having her sleeping in bed next to us - not feeling her presence in the house. For people who have never owned a sphynx it is probably impossible to understand how much these cats are like children. They behave more like a three-year old than a cat, and not having her here is like having your child in the hospital without being able to see them or hold them.

We’re expecting she will be home today at some point, and I can’t wait to have her back in my arms to give her lots of love.

I found this blog by searching for something else.

This one intrigues me. If it’s to be believed, then keywords that have nothing to do with my blog are sending people to my blog. So I turned to my trust friend Google Analytics to see what sort of keyword searches were sending people here.

Most of them were related to content I have discussed: American Idol, Wireless N Router, White Wine Sangria, Dissarano, allergic to ginger, and of course Heath Buckmaster.

Some keywords were obscure, but still understandable that they came to me: cats mustard, fecal mist, corporate babble, house smells, and more. I think what concerns me most here is that someone actually searched for “fecal mist” (though strangely it doesn’t concern me that I wrote something about it).

Here’s where things get odd: gay in texas, winston zonkout, 2nd wardrobe, american idol 2009 nudity, boyfriend wears briefs under his swimsuit, cow damage to vehicle, girls swim team look at guys crotch, i feel with lots of bile on my body, nude bungee jump, polyester headaches, vulgar and indecent (this last one hurts).

Again I’m just amazed at what some people are searching for - great that it sends them to my blog which is good visibility, but I’m not sure I want visibility from cow damage or nude bungee jumping.

Anyway - this leads me to my question for Friday…What brings you to this site?

Leave a comment and let me know!

I was up. It was 3:20am. It was dark outside yet starting to get lighter since this is California and we’re doing that whole rotating toward the sun type of thing. The cats were hungry, oh so hungry. Always. Always hungry.

I went to the kitchen to provide them with nourishment, despite all three of them being overweight (and why is it that they have to eat at night and not on my schedule?), then turned around to make my way back to bed to try to get a few more hours of sleep. And that’s when it happened.

I stepped on the shard from The Dark Crystal. Nearly the entire length slid into the base of my right foot, with nary a scosh sticking out to mock me as I yelled silently and hobbled my way to the bathroom, trailing blood behind me. I ran my fingers across my foot and I could feel the tip of the shard poking out. Had I put weight on my foot it would have gone all the way inside my body and I fear that a hospital trip would have been in order.

Thankfully when I wiped away the blood, the tip of the shard was still there, so I grabbed for a pair of cosmetic tweezers (the kind you use to pull out rogue hairs, etc.) and after several painful attempts, the shard was out. I continued to bleed for several moments before the coagulation took hold. But like any good parent I ignored my own pain and raced back to the kitchen to get the hand vacuum so I could suck up any stray shards that might still be lurking on the floor - for fear that if one of the kids stepped on it, we would be in a world of trouble trying to get it out of their pads.

Surprisingly I did not wake up the rest of the household with my antics this morning…but I did limp back to bed in pain and still bleeding. Thankfully I found a misc sock on the floor and covered my foot to minimize the impact to the sheets. It was an exciting morning.

In other news, the President delivered his address today. Surprisingly it was 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The GOP denounced him for misleading the American Public.

Today I announce my June crush.

Isabella Rossellini, the most beautiful woman in the world. And here’s why…

Doesn’t get much better than that does it? You can watch the entire series on Sundance.

But seriously, I’m feeling well. I was able to walk around at work today in an almost normal non-limping fashion, and this afternoon when I left I actually walked down the stairs without having to brace myself against the hand-rail. I’d say that’s pretty good progress ;-).

I knew something was up when I woke up this morning not in knee pain from having slept weird last night. I sleep weird pretty much every night, but last night was different - I actually felt better. I just knew it was going to be a good day despite having to go into the office today for a face-to-face meeting.

Sure enough - I didn’t even park in the visitor parking today (even though my parking pass expired today), I went ahead and parked where I normally do and walked all the way in from the middle of the parking lot. Yeah - I’m proud of myself. I can walk!

Anyway - that’s my Friday message of hope. Everyone needs a message of hope now and then, so here’s your. Go out there and WALK!

First - never be afraid when you hear that an elegant dinner can be fixed in 15 minutes. Just because it’s fast doesn’t mean it’s “fast food”.

Ingredients

• 3-4oz salmon per person (completely thawed)
• pepper to taste
• 1T cumin powder
• 1 package of fresh spinach
• 2T minced garlic
• 2T olive oil
• 1/2C milk
• 2T sour cream
• 2T butter
• 1 1/3C potato flakes
• 1 bottle of white wine

Step 1 - The Salmon

Preheat your BBQ grill on high. Prepare the completely thawed salmon by placing it on a sheet of foil wrap. If the salmon is not completely thawed you can place it in a water bath for 30-60 minutes.

Lightly pepper the top of the salmon, then sprinkle cumin across the top. Wrap the salmon in one layer of foil, then wrap in a second layer of foil. Fold up the ends of the foil to keep the juices inside.

Place skin-side down on the hot grill and set a timer for 5 minutes.

Step 2 - The bucket of wine & the table settings

During the first five minutes of salmon cooking, take the opportunity to get your table setting ready. Take the wine out of the fridge, get the plates and glasses and silverware ready, then get back into the kitchen for step 3.

This step can be done before you start cooking as well - just make sure the wine stays cold until you are ready to serve.

Step 3 - Prepping the Garlic Spinach and Mashed Potatoes

Before the 5-minute timer goes off, put 2T olive oil into a pan with the garlic and turn the heat on high.

Put the milk, butter, and 1/3rd cup water into another pan and turn the heat on high (this pan will be used for the potatoes).

Step 4 - Flip the Salmon and set the timer again

Head out to the grill when the timer goes off and flip the foil so the salmon is cooking skin-side up. Set the timer for another 5 minutes then head back inside.

Step 5 - Spinach and Taters

Mix the garlic around in the oil until it starts to get nice and brown, filling the house with the smell of garlic. Once the milk and butter mixture comes to a boil, add the potato flakes (per guidelines on the box) - stir and remove from heat. Note: it is perfectly OK to use potato flakes, as long as it’s made from 100% real potatoes.

Turn off the heat on the garlic temporarily to prevent burning; stir the sour cream into the potatoes then cover with a lid and set aside.

Call your partner to the table at this point. Then head outside to the grill when the timer goes off.

Step 6 - Prep the Salmon and finish the Spinach

Take the salmon off the grill but leave it in the foil wrap. Bring it inside and set it on a cooling rack while you finish the spinach.

Turn the heat back on the pan with the garlic and little-by-little add the package of fresh spinach, stirring it with a wooden spoon until it completely reduces and is covered in garlic. Turn off the heat near the end of this process to prevent burning.

Open the foil and remove the salmon (leave the skin on). Plate your items as desired.

Optional: drizzle salmon with a balsamic reduction.

Enjoy this 15 minute meal!

I want to get married.

I want a big church wedding, with flowers, and candles, and brides maids and grooms men, and as much pomp and as much circumstance as the building can hold.

Actually that’s all a lie. I haven’t set foot in a church in ages, flowers make me sneeze and make my eyes water, candles from anywhere other than Illuminations are an abomination, brides maids assumes that there is a female involved or a person playing a female role which is not me in the least, I don’t like any of my guy friends enough to want them as a grooms man, and pomp and circumstance are highly overrated in today’s society.

That being said. I want a fast, efficient, process driven, project plan scheduled meeting where I sign a piece of paper, a notary watermarks it, and a legally authorized official says “It’s done!”

I don’t want to wear a veil, even if properly tszujed; I don’t want to pay a ton of money for a tuxedo that I will never wear again (despite the recommendations from Carson that every man should own one good tuxedo, snaps to Queer Eye), and I don’t want to spend hours registering for things at Macy’s, Cost-Plus, or Best Buy that no one wants to buy me anyway.

I don’t like getting gifts and I question the value of surprises.

Birthday’s are always a chore because there is something wrapped that will come as a complete surprise, unless of course it’s from my amazon.com wish list, in which case I can just click that button that says “show me what’s been purchased” and the surprise is over. Weddings are a different story. Nothing is a surprise because you asked for it all. In fact, registering for a wedding is one of the most pretentious things that I can imagine.

How dare you tell me what to bring to your wedding! If I want to make sure you get 8 toaster ovens and 3 crock pots, I’m darn well going to do it. Planning the gifts that you will receive is materialism to the highest level. And people, you don’t really want the sterling silver ash tray set. Half of the people who register for crap like that don’t even smoke, and don’t even know how to polish it. Basically it verdigris before they remember what it was, and they set it on the back patio under the tiki torches and use it as a cheap ash tray for their summer barbecues.

Eventually the person who gave it to them will notice it and feel utterly rejected that the $75 gift is relegated to having a puddle of water and soggy ashes in it because it rained last night and the host didn’t bother to clean it up.

When I get married I don’t want a wedding, I just want the reception. That’s where all the fun happens. I don’t want gifts - if anything I want cash that I can spend in any way I want. That way if I decide that I just can’t live without that vegetable juicer or that automated onion slicer I can go buy those things myself and then be the only one to blame when I realize after 4 years that I haven’t even used them at all and they wind up in a moving sale when we move into a bigger house and they sell for 1/50th what I paid for them.

Come to think of it I’d rather people not even give me cash. Let’s just avoid that whole self-guilt thing that would be caused, because being the awesome, wonderful, non-materialistic person that I am I just want my friends and family to be there dancing to awesome music, drinking tons of champagne or red wine, eating from the elaborate buffet, and enjoying themselves and sharing the day with me and my new husband. Ok, reality check. Who cares about all that crap, bring on the CASH!

So, instead of saving up money for an elaborate wedding, I’d funnel all the money into the biggest reception possible. Given how hugely popular I am, renting out a ballroom at a hotel or resort would be the best option. Obviously everyone I know will want to be there and that can easily fill a small room. But the point of having a reception is that you invite everyone you’ve ever met before in your life to maximize the number of useless gifts you can receive. If you go with the cash option as I mentioned before you can actually recover all the cost of the reception, pay for your honeymoon, and a new car at the same time. It’s amazing how much cash you can raise if everyone gives you $30 instead of buying you another useless hand mixer.

Let’s add this up. Say you invite 50 people each bringing $30 for the cause. That adds up to $1,500.00 right there. That covers a lot of cases of wine and tons of ready to serve buffet food. But why stop there? Use the network you’ve been building! Start sending invitations to every distribution list you are on: Facebook, myspace, twitter, work distribution lists, social clubs, your blog, anywhere! Now you’ve increased your invitation list to, let’s say 750-1000 people. If we use the standard statistical estimate that you’ll get approximately 75% of the invited population to actually attend and we assume 1000 receipts, you’ve got a list of 750 people. Guess what that means? We’re talking $22,500.00 baby!

With that kind of cash, you’re on your way to a week long cruise around the south of Africa! Down payment on the useless H3 SUV? No problem! A couple thousand for new granite tops on the kitchen counters? Done! A reception cover charge is the way to go for the couple of the 2000’s. We’re already used to cover charges for every other party we go to so why not a wedding reception?

So now you have your money problems solved, and you don’t have to worry with returning useless gifts to the store to recover cash that way (you know you’ve all done it so don’t get all huffy, I’m just pointing out the facts), you’ve had the reception of a lifetime with all of your friends, acquaintances, and really anyone who was willing to pay a $30 cover charge to a mega-dance party. What more could you ask for?

Personally, I’m thinking of having an 80’s cover band attend and filling the entire place with foam and making everyone show up in only their underwear. For that I’m thinking we can go to $50 a person. $37,500.00 would be a great down payment on a new BMW 7 series…

For me, Memorial Day is the ultimate in life celebrations. I can picture it now. What it might look like, who might attend, what I would be wearing, how fabulous my hair would look, people being overheard saying “Love your hair, hope you win!”.

For me, it’s never too soon to plan my Memorial Day festivities.

It all starts with the food. Hot cider or wine sangria, fresh seafood salads, maybe some rock shrimp or rock lobster WOO!, finger sandwiches, hand sandwiches, a SUBWAY party sub, exotic barbecued things, spectacular ethnic dishes served with hot sauce. The essence of every celebration is having the ultimate spread. Without a massive buffet, people get bored and leave. Because really, when there is nothing more to talk about, people either get married, or eat. This is why the USA is the fattest nation in the world.

No, that’s not PHAT, though some of us are definitely Pretty Hot And Tempting. It’s FAT - Americans eat all the time! You can’t walk any direction from my house without running into 4 Chinese, 2 Sushi, 4 American, 2 Mexican, or 8 Cafe restaurants, all within a 5 mile radius. Apparently we’ve nothing left to discuss so we retreat to the buffet line and fill our mouths with food so that in the event we DO think of something to talk about, our mouths are too full of soft chimichangas to bother. Anyway.

Once the food is planned, next comes the entertainment. For me, any celebration worth its sea-salt (see what I did there? If you are still using regular salt, you can’t come to my Memorial Day) must have PHAT entertainment. At a minimum, a dance floor must be provided. And if you have a dance floor, you must have music. I prefer a professional DJ to mix it up for the event. Using a pro allows the guests to concentrate on dancing instead of running to the CD/MP3 changer every 4 minutes and 52 seconds (based on average track length of 100 statistically analyzed Top 50 cd’s).

Another reason to have a DJ is to allow guests to request songs and feel like they are part of the process. Granted, most people request songs like Mamma Mia, or Here Comes the Rain Again, which are virtually impossible to dance to based on today’s standards, but at least they feel like they are part of something larger than themselves.

Next on the list, is quite possibly the most important item to plan for. The Rent-A-Guest (TM). As with any celebration, there are going to be a lot of attendees that you may have never seen before. In these situations it is sometimes necessary to salt the audience (if they are slugs) with Rent-A-Guest(TM) personnel known as “Instigators”.

These “Instigators” are responsible for getting the party started right, and getting the party started quickly, right?. They mingle with strangers treating them like long-lost friends, and encourage people to get out on the dance floor to get their boogie on. Without the R-A-G(TM) you run the risk of a celebration that never moves more than 2 feet away from the buffet table, and ends at 7pm.

Now that we’ve planned the food, entertainment, and instigation, it’s time to concentrate on decor. We don’t want something too over the top unless it’s Mardi Gras, which is an entirely different M Day. We also don’t want something too somber that makes people feel sleepy. I find that a nice mix of floral arrangements, streamers, balloons, banners, and ice sculptures makes a simple yet elegant atmosphere. The balloons give any child in attendance something to pop. The ice sculptures double as a conversation piece and a punch cooler. Streamers and banners are great to fill any empty wall or ceiling space. And flowers and plants can be used to accent any area that needs a little colour.

Of course any time you have decoration, it is always important to have good lighting. Overhead or fluorescent are always a no-no (I can’t repeat this enough). I prefer to use strategically positioned halogen spot lighting to enhance specific areas of the room, art on a wall, or maybe even an ice sculpture to give the appearance of aura/glow. This also allows the resident Diva’s to bask in their own personal spotlight, if so inclined.

So now I’m almost done planning. I have the food, the entertainment, the instigators, the decorations, and the lighting. But for me, what it really all boils down to when planning my perfect Memorial Day is the colour of the felt in my coffin. I’m thinking hot magenta…

Happy Memorial Day!!!

This event is always a blast, and this year was no different. Taking place in the Old Sacramento “zone” (and additional activities over at the convention center this year), the Jazz music hits Sacramento with a vengeance. Vendors are spread across the landscape, music pours out from tents that blanket the parking lots and open spaces, and even the saloon in the Delta King gets a taste of up and coming jazz greats.

As soon as we arrived we found a bead vendor and loaded up on colour for the day. You really can’t beat 2 beads for $5 (especially when you don’t have to flash anything to get them). After that we made our way to the heart of the jazz festival and got some food! You can’t beat the festival food either - I mean let’s be honest, it’s not food you’re going to eat every day, but somehow a corn dog, kielbasa, and a plastic cup of beer tastes darn good when you’re walking around listening to music and people watching.

And let me tell you, there was plenty of people watching to be had. Crazy people. People who sometimes shouldn’t be seen in public, and people who should be seen in public every single day.

We also saw some folks who were way more into the event than we were, as can be seen here with the guy I’m going to call “Bead Man“. You really can’t get much more excited than this can you? Nope, you can’t. I hope he took some ibuprofen for his back, because…damn.

The music was great - especially the Ophir Prison Kazoo Band. They have so much energy, so much excitement, and they really work the crowd. Thankfully they weren’t religious like one of the first groups we saw that couldn’t sing or talk about anything other than god the entire time we were there. Sorry - I didn’t go to the jazz festival to go to church, I went to hear some sounds of debauchery (or at least that’s what people thought of jazz back in the day).

The weather was perfect, the tunes were exciting, and we had a great time. You can see the rest of the pictures I took on my flickr collection. Have a great weekend!

Ok, full disclosure, it’s not really a club. I mean we don’t have club meetings, and there are no dues, and we don’t have a club house up in a tree with a sign posted out front that says “No Phreeks Allowed”. Although, those things do sound pretty cool.

I never had a club when I was younger, although I did sort of have a tree-house, but unfortunately it never got finished, and one of my best friends had a sister who fell off the play structure and broke her arm, which pretty much halted any more playing on the play structure…but where was I.

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Those have not changed, but I fear that this week I may have actually tipped the scale into actual insanity. I will of course deny this if asked about it (and I will claim that someone logged into my computer and posted this on my behalf).

Here’s what happened…

* Image from instructables.com

At the office we have automated paper towel dispensers in the bathrooms. I’m sure you’ve seen these things - they are now everywhere so that people don’t have to touch a machine after they have just washed their hands (except for those nasty people who don’t wash their hands after touching the filthy door handle and the sink).

The machines basically perform the same function, although there are any number of vendors out there making a variety of machines. You wave your hand in front of the sensor and it spits out a piece of paper towel of varying length. I bring this first point up because this is one reason I hate these machines.

Some models only give you a toilet paper sized piece to dry your hands. Other models are configured to give you three feet of paper at once. Other models start with a small amount but allow you to grab the paper and pull it until you have as much as you want. There’s no consistency when it comes to how much you get, but there is consistency in how they communicate with you.

That’s right - paper towel dispensers talk when they give you the paper. That mechanical sound when the paper comes out - that’s their language…and if you’re insane enough, you can talk back to them. That’s what I found myself doing the other day at work.

I went to the restroom, used it, washed my hands, then approached the machine to get my paper towel. I waved my hand and it made the noise and provided the paper. I took the paper and just stared at the machine for a moment. There was no one else in the bathroom, so I wasn’t concerned about someone looking at me and thinking me weird (as usual), so I just stared at the machine and made the noise.

That’s right…I mocked the machine by making a mechanical paper-towel spitting noise with my mouth. I stood there for about 15 seconds just making the noise over and over again before I finished drying my hands, walked out of the bathroom, and started laughing. (If you would like to hear the noise I made, click here to listen)

I immediately told one of my coworkers, who was tempted to call the nurse I’m sure, but instead cracked up laughing. I don’t blame her…there’s no better way to explain what I did other than insanity.

And I think that’s the perfect way to end this work week. Have a wonderful holiday weekend to my US readers, and a wonderful normal weekend to everyone else in the world ;-).

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* Image from American Idol

From billions of auditions we have made it to the Top 2 America!!!!

YEAH!!!!!

Ok, I’m not seriously jumping up and down after the finale show, and let me tell you why. Here’s the run down of the night…

The contestants each sang three songs: their choice from the season, producer Simon Fuller’s choice (who should be barred from ever choosing songs again), and the Idol single which this year was co-written by Kara (who should be barred from ever writing an AI song again).

Kris won the coin toss and chose to go second in the performance sequence, so Adam took the stage and chose the song I hoped he would choose - Mad World. I adored his performance the first time, and I loved it again the second time. The second time was admittedly much more theatrical with the big black coat and the fog, but who cares? Adam has earned the right to be as theatrical as he wants. Amazing vocal control; stellar performance.

Kris stepped up to the piano for his choice of the season, Ain’t No Sunshine. The performance was tender, powerful, elegant, and shows off his smooth and endearing vocals. Simon gave the first round to Kris, but I gave it to Adam because I liked the theatrical bit and the coat.

* Image from American Idol

Next up Adam took on the challenege of Change Is Gonna Come. I hated the song choice (thanks Simon), but Adam put a huge pile of emotion, flamboyance, and power vocals into the performance. The judges went nuts over it and it was well deserved.

Kris took on What’s Goin’ On and was very comfortable behind the guitar as he did a basically safe performance. I didn’t like the song choice (again, thanks Simon), and I think in terms of really grabbing the audience’s attention, this didn’t do it. Kris might be in trouble just for forgettability factor on this.

Next up both contestants attempted to tackle the Idol single, No Boundaries. I would like to say that I hate…HATE this song. Why oh why do they have to create a song that absolutely demolishes the end of the show like this? It happens every year - a song that is a complete mis-match to the contestant’s style and vocals. Neither of them nailed it, and that hurts me.

This is the song on the album that you will never, ever listen to again. Adam had great pants on, Kris was pitchy - so much so that the judges barely even commented on his performance but instead chose to tell him how much he deserved to be on that stage.

I’m going to call it for Adam at this point, but I will also repeat what I said before. I think that if Adam wins, Kris will have a harder time being a success than Adam would if Kris wins. I think Kris needs the engine of Idol more than Adam does.

We shall see what happens…

RESULTS: After an action packed 2.5 hour results show, we have a new American Idol - Kris Allen!! Great job to him! He and Adam will both be stars and they both deserve every good thing that comes next. Very happy with this season, even though I was originally unhappy with the audition process. So there you go! Now it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance!!