Do The Beatles hate people in wheelchairs? John Lennon was always ‘spazzing’ during the Fab Four’s shows in the 60s wasn’t he? Is there some kind of ablist agenda with the group? Surely not? Surely that can’t be right?

Executives at Apple Corps, which is the company set up by the assorted members of Mop Tops, have taken up a dispute with a load of wheelchairs.

And the wheelchairs didn’t stand a chance in the face of the might that is The Most Famous Band Who Ever Lived.

Apple Corps has locked horns with mobility aid company You-Q BV (catchy name) who made an application to trademark the name Beatle for various land and air vehicles in 2004.

In 2005, they amended their trademark claim to include just wheelchair products.

However, the European Union’s Court of Justice has ruled in favour of Macca & Co. It seems the EU like catchy choruses much more than wheelchairs.

The panel of judges stated on Thursday that the British band’s image is;

“…even after 50 years of existence, still synonymous with youth and a certain counter-culture of the 1960s, an image which is still positive and which could specifically benefit the goods covered by the mark applied for.”

The judges added that if the application was granted, it would take unfair advantage of the Fab Four’s

“repute and the consistent selling power”.

Of course, wheelchair sales would’ve rocketed if they were called a ‘Beatle’ wouldn’t they? Fans would have taken saws to their legs, just to shunt themselves around in a chair they assumed was the latest Beatle product.

Right? RIGHT?

Next week: The Beatles sue every variety of beetle on the planet for cashing in on their successes with Ringo warning a cochineal ‘with peace and love’ that he’s going to kick its face off.

Well. What a week THAT was, are we right avid reader? There’s been things going down; the Titanic, Heather Trott, Tulisa Contro-Contos-Whatever, things coming up; the price of pasties, petrol and penises in front of Tulisa (we’ve reached the quota of Tulisa blowjob jokes, worry not).

We’re very surprised that any has any eye fluid left after seeing such awful things going on in the World, and that’s not even taking into Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer moving channel and effectively upsetting all the hungover teens in the country.

All the terrible things that have happened this week don’t mean an iota because y’know what happens soon? It’s only Easter time isn’t it! The time of year that we come together as a united force to perform the rites that make the zombie carpenter’s son stay dead for another year. We’ll all be so full of chocolate and other various sugar riddled carcinogens that we won’t care about anything other than what is playing out before your very eyes: not the scenes of your elderly grandmother silently squeaking out farts before demurely wafting her handkerchief to dispel the noxious fumes, or your young niece vomiting loudly after eating a little too much chocolate, but what is on the telly box.

So imagine how lucky you are to have us telling you what to watch, and giving you plenty of notice to tell people who try and convince you to go and do something outside of your house to bugger right off and never darken your door again. Or at least until after Easter.

Saturday

You Are The Weakest Link, Goodbye, BBC One, 3:45pm

You couldn’t move at one time for the frozen facet of Anne Robinson slagging someone off and making them sweat at the sight of any ginger person. She’s been on Doctor Who, and she’s even taken the show to America. There was even talk of blasting her into space so she can permanently take up residence orbiting the Earth insulting people from space. But eventually the demand for the Weakest Link waned and was replaced by Noel Edmund’s dying lion looks and Total Wipeout.

The final show is on today and sees Anne bring back her favourite twelve contestants (read: the only people who didn’t suffer from extensive mental trauma at her hands) from the past twelve years for one last attempt to destroy them. It’s just a shame that we’ll never see Wagner Carrilho spar with the Queen Of Mean.

Sunday

Once Upon A Time, Channel 5, 8:00pm

Here at the hecklerspray bedsit, some of us love revisionist fiction, which for the morons reading this, is fiction that looks at an already established piece of fiction and gives more of a backstory, and perhaps gives the whole thing a more sinister twist. ‘Wicked” by Gregory Maguire is an excellent example of revisionist literature because it looked at the life of the Wicked Witch of the West and posited why she became so anti-gingham. We lap it up time and time again. We don’t care how many beloved Disney characters turn out to be rapists, although Donald Duck was a bit of a push.

The premise of Once Upon A Time puts us looking squarely at a village which is being terrorized by the curse of an Evil Queen; a town called Storybrooke, and it’s up to a sassy bail-bondsman and bounty hunter (yep, really. Bounty hunter) Emma Swan to free the town once and for all. It’s also created by Adam Horowitz who wrote episodes of Lost and the frankly, BRILLIANT Birds Of Prey. And if nothing else comes of it, at least it isn’t footage of old people drowning on the Titanic.

Monday

Modern Spies, BBC2, 9:00pm

Remember when you were a child, and between forcing down questionable fish fingers and latent homosexual feelings, you pretended to be a spy on Her Majesty’s Secret Service (or His, we’re not ageist here at hecklerspray), running around the estate holding an imaginary Walther PPK. What a great life that was. No one knew how expensive pasties were going to become, or how absolutely abhorrent Simon Cowell would make TV. At the time Cowell was only threatening us with Sinitta.

Well Modern Spies will rekindle the violent part of your personality by tracking the history of the spy, from James Bond to Jason Bourne, hopefully skipping the god awful Sky series, Sky, with some lovely words from actually spies who’ve killed actual people and probably know the best way to impregnate a woman, fight off angry Russian peasants while abseiling down a dam. You might learn some interesting facts, or get a bit of a wake up call; is it that bad being an office monkey if you could be held by terrorists for years? We’ve seen Spooks. It only ever ends being killed or having sex with Rupert Penry-Jones then being killed.

Tuesday

The Undateables, Channel 4, 9:00pm

It must be awful being disabled. You’re life is turned upside down, perhaps from an accident, or perhaps from a genetic disposition, and you’re just expected to carry on regardless. Getting a job is easier said than done, and that’s not even taking into travel arrangements, but what happens if you want to find a love?

That’s where The Undateables comes in. It follows a group of people with disabilities as they try and overcome all the barriers (including the public’s opinions, you awful people) and have a happy love life. Sounds heart warming, upsetting and hilarious all at the same time. Like when your cat dies and you reminisce about all the times that it shit on the good carpet when it was a cute kitten.

Wednesday

Our Food, BBC 2, 8:00pm

Giles Coren is fast becoming our favourite hecklerspray man-crush (speak for yourself, he’s a tit – Ed). He’s angry, gruff, he’s got a child so he’s a great big DILF and he’s a friend with Sue Perkins (who we’ve loved since Late Lunch in the early Noughties). The man literally has everything going for him. Perhaps it’s our low standards but we could always have a slice of Giles Coren first thing in the morning. He’s been given his own show about food, and Our Food sees him travel the country looking at the history of our food. This week sees him go to Norfolk where he gets all sweaty as a Cromer fisherman and then tells us how important turnips are in the history of British farming. To be honest Giles could talk about anything and there’ll still be one of us sat silently with a cushion over our lap, like some 80s teenager who’s just caught sight of Kelly Le Brock’s minge for the first time.

Thursday

Angry Boys, BBC Three, 10:30pm

If you were unfortunate to catch the first series of Angry Boys when it was shown earlier on BBC Three, then you have our utmost sympathies. The sooner people realise that Chris Lilley has done nothing funny. Summer Heights High, although a clever concept, badly enacted and self indulgent, and this arrogance was brought onwards with Angry Boys, which was a broader look at the youth of Australia and the problems they faced. Except what actually came to our screens was a selection of unpleasant characters which verged on racist, and didn’t leave anything but an unpleasant taste in your mouth.

Just because self aggrandising journalists say that something is funny doesn’t make it so; have we not learnt our lesson with Noel Fielding, Michael McIntyre, John Bishop, Rhona Cameron, Omid Djalili, Patrick Kielty and Paul Whitehouse? Everyone should just get a grip.

Good Friday

The Preston Passion, BBC One, 12:00pm

There’s nothing quite like enforced religion on our TVs is there? Now that Fern Britton has been jettisoned from normal TV and took it upon herself to be the voice of religion now that everyone’s forgotten than Diane Louise Jordan ever existed, we have the patronising smile of Britton to tell us the many ways we’re going to Hell. Today though she is focusing her attention on the resurrection of Jesus and his wild journey around the Middle East (which was probably nothing more than the combination of hysterical grief, a lying prostitute and someone looting a grave) and introducing a series of short dramas draw on the themes of condemnation and crucifixion but setting them in Preston. It seems a little like what an A level student would attempt, but fear not, you’re off for three days, this could be genuinely hilarious. There may even be hymns.

There. There. We’ve got nothing else for you. Eat your chocolate and leave us alone.

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Gwyn said in some tawdry newsletter:

“One of the many exciting things about living in England for a good part of the year is the perpetual discovery. I am constantly delighting in what might be very ordinary for people who are native to this land”

“An example would be the regular old English pharmacy, which is stocked with a variety of amazing affordable products, many of which are not available outside of the UK.”

LIKE WOW!

“Vaseline’s lip balms are available all over the place, but in England they come in these small metal containers, either plain or infused with aloe, rose and almond oil, or cocoa butter. They’re the perfect size to drop in a purse or a tote bag”

STOP! WE CAN’T HANDLE IT ALL! Wait? You’re not finished talking?

“In the early 20th century, Dr. Edward Bach developed a healing system derived from plants that allegedly alleviates negative emotions, which according to him are the source of many illnesses. You can easily find Bach’s Rescue Remedy for Stress and other plant extracts for different emotional imbalances today.

YOU’RE BLOWING OUR MINDS!

“There’s mustard for sudden depression, chicory for being less critical, mimulus for fears. I always have Rescue Remedy with me in my purse in case one of my kids falls or is just having a tough day.”

AAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Firstly, well done if you half read the headline and thought it was about David Gedge. Secondly, how awful a human must Kim Kardashian be if estranged husband Kris Humphries is taking her to court over some wedding presents, which were going to benefit charity?

See, after the demise of their 72 day marriage, Kris Humphries has been apoplectic with rage. Kim K, trying to put a positive spin on it, had decided to keep their wedding gifts but donate double their value to charity.

He’s not having that.

The celebutard recently announced that she would be writing a cheque to the Dream Foundation, which helps the families of patients battling terminal illness, to cover the cost of the wedding presents they received.

You might think that’s something of a pleasant gesture.

Not Kris Humphries. Between throwing a ball around while in his vest and shorts, he’s found time to allege that he wasn’t consulted over this clearly appalling decision and is now demanding to know exactly how much the gifts were worth, in addition to a full accounting of the money that was snaffled during their pointlessly short marriage.

In court documents obtained by Tmz.com, the sportsman’s lawyer writes:

“A spouse may not make a gift of community personal property, or dispose of community personal property for less than fair and reasonable value, without the written consent of the other spouse.”

Sadly, the problem here, is that the accused needs to be able to read and write in the first place, so written consent would probably look more like a crude thumbprint on a bit of card, which is neither use nor ornament.

Oh well, one day, both of these people will be dead and we can forget about the whole thing.

George Lucas has not exactly endeared himself to Star Wars fanatics lately, tinkering with the films they love so dearly. Darth Vader shouting “Noooooo!” seems to have sent fans so insane with rage, that they have written many, many angry forum posts.

Heavy. Death Star heavy.

And so, like a small boy who is tired of being shouted at by his parents, George Lucas has announced that Star Wars is being killed off, forever.

One good thing about Star Wars being dead is that we won’t have to suffer Jar Jar Binks ever again. The only good thing that camp rasta ever did was to apologetically appear in Episode II where he mooched around for 2 minutes of screen time and walk off into the middle distance thinking about how truly ghastly he was.

Alas, the bad thing about all this is that Georgy Boy will now have a lot more time on his hands to ruin the Indiana Jones franchise as opposed to, y’know, MAKING SOME NEW FILMS BASED ON NEW IDEAS.

Ahem.

Anyway, Lucas was leaving Toast in L.A. yesterday where he was asked if he was going to release the 7th, 8th and 9th installments of Star Wars.

It appears not as George swatted the questions away saying that he won’t be making films anymore.

As a mark of respect, we’re off to watch Howard the Duck once we’ve blown the dust off our VHS player. Now watch this video concerning George’s retirement.

Rehashing old films is the order of the day in Hollywood currently. 3D rereleases of old tat and revamps of 80s TV series, boardgames and movies are rampant. With Total Recall getting remade without Arnie, what can he do with his time?

Well, when he’s not constantly saying sorry for shagging his maid and having a secret child with her, he’s obviously looked toward the comedic roles that were terrible in a non-ironic enjoyment way.

And so, in what is one of the most peculiar news stories of 2012, it appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their Twins film, bringing along Eddie Murphy to make the sequel, Triplets. No. The milkman didn’t spike you this morning.

That’s right folks! Brothers Julius and Vincent discover that they have a third genetically-conceived brother, who looks just like Eddie Murphy.

According to reports, Schwarzenegger, DeVito and Murphy are all signed up to star in this clearly woeful idea with original Twins director on board too.

A source implies:

“Universal thinks it’s a horrendous idea but don’t want to upset Schwarzenegger.”

Of course, Twins was a giganto success back in ’88, grossing $216m world-wide. Naturally, this doesn’t actually mean there is a huge public appetite for more of the same.

However, as awful an idea this is, fans of career carcrashes will thrill at the notion. Arnie has done little of note for years, Danny DeVito is all but dead in the water and Eddie Murphy has offered a string of critical flops in Norbit and Meet Dave.

This idea probably should bear fruit, mainly because we all really like watching famous people being gaspingly desperate and horsing around like they still have value.

We could be on the cusp of the worst film ever made… and yes, that includes Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie.

Auntie BBC has announced that she’s going to axe the gameshow Total Wipeout after three years on air… which is obviously hilarious because this means Richard Hammond won’t be on TV quite so much and Amanda Byam is out of a job completely!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Of course, watching people fall over is always funny, but the BBC got Total Wipeout wrong. Mainly because the presenters sucked and they missed a vital ingredient out… and we’re going to tell you exactly what that is.

Gameshows based around people falling over always work best when they come from Japan. It really is as simple as that. For a period, everyone enjoyed watching Hole In The Wall online, and the BBC caught wind of it and turned it into something starring celebrities and Dale Winton. It was truly awful. It lost that manic element. It was no longer confusing and funny.

Takeshi’s Castle is another example of an insane Japanese show that served well in the schedule. The only thing spoiling our enjoyment was Craig Charles’ dreadful narration. Takeshi’s Castle would’ve been much, much better if Challenge aired it with the original Japanese voiceover.

We like to be bewildered. We like to laugh at normal people (non-celebrities) falling over. We laugh with them, not at them.

And so, when the Beeb got their hands on Total Wipeout, we all got to chortle at care workers, teachers, retired lollipop ladies and builders falling off things in super slo-mo. However, the whole thing was hugely blighted by the fact that, hosting the whole thing, were two people who sneered at those who took part.

In Richard Hammond, we had one of the smuggest individuals on planet Earth and in Amanda Byram, we had someone mocking them from the sidelines. A bit rich seeing as she willingly took Patrick Keilty’s penis inside her.

To level things a little, we The General Public, can now sneer back because, not only has she lost her main TV gig, she’s lost the job that was the cause of her split from her fiancé Craig McMullen. That’s right, earlier this year, Byram split with her beau because of the pressures of being away filming the show in Argentina.

In a statement, the BBC said:

“After four very successful series of Total Wipeout – and one series of Winter Wipeout – the BBC has taken the decision that the next series, due to transmit later this year, will be the last”

What the BBC inevitably thought was, ‘we’re not very good at making trashy television – we just always cock it up. So from now, we’ll leave it to digital channels and… oh bollocks… we’ve still got The Voice haven’t we? Shit.’

Meanwhile, everyone else watches Take Me Out and reruns of Bullseye.

Snoop Dogg likes to smoke a little of that sticky icky icky. We know this because he talks about almost nothing else. Remarkably, he hasn’t proclaimed a fondness for reggae yet, so the rapper has decided to create yet another ode to weed by announcing that he’s making a reggae LP with Diplo.

Yes, really.

It’ll be all blunts-this, chong-that… light-’em-up and gorging on as many packets of 10p crisps at the 24 hour garage as he can.

Diplo told MTV:

“Snoop Dogg is an icon, man; he’s bigger than the music. What we’re doing is a reggae record. It’s all reggae and he’s singing and he’s doing a fucking awesome job and I never knew it, but he had his heart in every song.”

He added:

“We’re going to get back into the production of it next month, and I’m really proud of that record. It’s the first record I’ve ever executive-produced and his crew is amazing.”

Of course, this isn’t the first time Snoop has ventured away from rap into other musical genres.

Hands-up if you remember his song, My Medicine, which he did with Willie Nelson? Yes, THAT Willie Nelson. Another dirty stoner if ever there was one.

While Snoop disappears into his latest haze of green smoke, have a listen to what happens when he ventures into new musical territories and see if you think this reggae LP is going to be any good.

Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.

Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!

And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!

The words to the tune from her third solo album have leaked online and seem to be aimed at Ashley following their public, ugly split.

Cheryl sings:

“Can’t believe all the shit I did for you, was so caught up in the love I felt for ya / I was never enough, I never got your love.”

Crumbs chief! She continues:

“I love you so much but you never gave a fuck, so screw you / I can still remember our first date, never thought I would scream I hate ya.”

Cheryl Cole there, with the swearing and the shouting and the dignified retort to someone who isn’t very pleasant.

You wouldn’t get Nicola Roberts acting like that would you?

Amazing news! Sir Elton John is planning to have another baby, apparently! That’s right, the bitch is back and he’s pregnant with his second child. Of course, his partner David Furnish has had something to do with it.

When Elton gives birth, it’ll be a delightful sibling for 14-month-old son Zachary.

We do worry about Elton John’s wee-way though. How does one go about squeezing a child out of your little wang? With him being a celebrity, he’ll probably have a C-section won’t he? How terribly fashionable.

A source says:

“The wheels are in motion. David and Elton have never hidden their desire to extend their family, and believe the time is right for another child. By the end of this year, or the beginning of next year, there will be a fourth member of the John-Furnish clan”

“They are incredibly excited and loving every minute of parenthood.”

The team of nannies and carers meanwhile, are exhausted and hating every minute of Elton John’s parenthood.

When Elton and David had their first baby, Furnish gushed:

“For many years we have talked about fulfilling one of our greatest wishes by becoming parents. And now this wish has been granted to us, we feel so blessed and lucky”

However, this next child sees strange semen admin.

“For the time being we don’t have a clue who the biological father is.”

Crivens! The slag!

Leave it! Two two’s naaah! Tulisa Contostavlos is fleeing the UK to hide away in the US after being repeatedly mocked over her sex tape with MC Ultra. Mainly because she doesn’t appear to be very good at giving gobbles.

The X Factor judge is planning to escape by heading to Miami to visit  Terius Nash (or, The-Dream to you) who clearly doesn’t have the clout to be sarcastic about her sex tape and indeed, mustn’t have an internet connection like the rest of America.

So what’s The Female Boss (Female Nosh more like) saying about it all?

She wrote on twitter:

”As if I’m goin bed n @MrTeriusNash is bout 2 go on stage … tear it up G! see ya in a few weeks #STATESIDEBOUND”

Sources close to the former N-Dubz singer have advised that she should get her head down and lay low in America. Hur hur… ‘head’. Leeeave it!

A friend of the singer said:

”It has been the worst period of Tulisa’s life. She can’t face going outside.”

Worse than when she was poor, suicidal and looking after her sick mother? This is honestly worse? Really? It is pretty bad (she recently ran away from her private box at a Drake concert at London’s O2 Arena on Tuesday after it looked like the JLS lads might start teasing her – imagine! JLS thinking that you’re beneath them in some way!). LEAVE IT! Two two’s naaaaaah.

The friend added:

”The Drake gig on Monday night was a real struggle for her as she thinks everyone is laughing at her.”

And so, in America, where no-one has the internet and doesn’t ever watched leaked celebrity sex tapes, Tulisa will rest her weary shame and doss about while all this promotes her latest single for free.

Poor Dr. Conrad Murray, we can imagine that he’s not having the best of times in prison at the moment. Despite being convicted of the manslaughter of a certain Michael Jackson, he knows that, when he’s released, he’ll be battered with abuse from fanatical Jackson goons.

We don’t imagine prison to be an exciting place, especially in America. Our yank buddies seem a bit stricter on discipline and prefer to harbour inmates in cells without luxuries such as TV, radio and concealed weapons.

Some might argue that criminals deserve nothing, though they need some basics if they’re expected to see out a sentence given to them without hanging themselves with their shoelaces. One such thing is clean drinking water and the last time we checked, the BBC has held no telethon to raise money for dirty drinking water in LA. But if reports are to be believed, we might have to help America out. ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is blaming an embarrassing problem on what he drinks.

Normally, if something tasted or smelled bad, you’d be put off from putting it in your mouth. Though prison imposes a few restrictions upon you. Gone are the days when you could stuff yourself with Chinese food, instead you make do with whatever slop is given to you. This is when kebabs start to look like a Michelin star food.

So what exactly has upset everyone’s favourite doctor? According to the man himself, he’s been ill thanks to supposedly dirty water. So ill in fact, that he’s lost around thirty pounds.

All through his rectum.

That’s right, sitting on a prison toilet which he might have to share, he’ll have been squatting and clenching until his bowels are emptied. We’ve heard that:

“Murray has been extremely sick since becoming an inmate last November. He claims the water smells and tastes bad, and believes it has given him a horrible case of dysentery. Murray says the bad water, along with a bad diet, is ruining his health.”

Clearly he’s missing a dash of Fruit & Barley juice to make that dirty taste change into something sweet. And if that wasn’t bad enough our sexy doctor even claims he’s been forced to eat cat food. This is his alleged prison diet:

“Murray buys canned tuna for $4.25 a pop, salmon flakes for $3.50 and canned mackerel for $2.50. Murray is telling friends that aside from cats, he’s the only human being forced to eat canned mackerel.”

Okay, so it isn’t actual cans of cat food, but fish isn’t that bad for you. Granted, it would taste better if deep fried, served with chips, mushy peas and a blob of red sauce, but criminals can’t be choosers can they?

Well we guess he could be. All Murray needs to do is wave a syringe around and tell a guard he’ll do administer a daft amount of knock out drugs.

Did you hear the one about Rihanna being romantically linked to Ashton Kutcher? If you didn’t, you’ve not been reading hecklerspray and, frankly, we hate you for that. There has been reports that the two were knocking their uglies together though.

A dreadful, honking notion, don’t you think?

Well, it seems RiRi isn’t letting The Kutch part her lips with his long, coyote-esque peen which is great news for Demi Moore who looked for all the world like she was going to top herself over the whole thing. So what does Ri have to say about it all?

At a London press conference for Battleship – that’d be the stupid film that is based on one of the most boring board games on Earth - a reporter used her one question with the pop star to ask about the alleged rendezvous which took place the other week.

“Wow, how disappointing was that question. I’m happy and I’m single, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

Disappointing? Would she have preferred something more hard hitting like; ‘So, Chris Brown. What’s the deal with letting him completely off the hook when he knocked 40 shades of shit out of you three years ago?‘

Or maybe: ‘So, Rihanna, ever considered keeping your clothes on and NOT talking about sex for one second in your life?‘

No, RiRi would much rather talk about her fondness for public transport in London (because she’s quite clearly insane – no-one in their right mind likes being stuck in an underground metal tube filled with Londoners).

Talking about her getting papped on the Underground on the way to a Drake gig, she said:

“There’s so much traffic. It’s approximately an hour and a half to the O2 every time. … I hate waking up early and I’m always late, so the tube is like 10 minutes”

And when she’s done there, she can blink into the light while smelling of year-old cockerny B.O.

HURRAY!

Will Ferrell is one of the worst things ever to happen to anything. He’s up there with Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman and Robert Mugabe. And all of these people are mystifyingly popular with gawping idiots.

Ferrell, presumably mugging in someone’s face and making farting noises right now, has a criminal record of tawdry comedy as long as your hecklerspray‘s face.

And our face is so very long because Ferrell has announced that he’s bringing newscaster Ron Burgundy back in a sequel to Anchorman.

Ferrell made a surprise, in-character appearance on Conan to play a flute solo and a deal with Paramount Pictures, which confirms that the long discussed sequel to 2004′s Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy will be happening.

Ferrell informed host Conan O’Brien:

“It’s official, there will be a sequel to ‘Anchorman.’”

Paramount had previously declined a musical plan put forth by Ferrell and director Adam McKay that also included a proposed Broadway stage show.

There’s mercifully no details on that project, but as far as Anchorman 2 goes, it looks like McKay, producer Judd Apatow, and co-stars Paul Rudd and Steve Carell will return.

Great news for incredibly thick people who like watching dreadful comedies.

In what universe is it okay to see Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna in a relationship? Just how did we smite thee god, to end up with such a repugnant pair, followed closely by a broken Demi Moore?

This is what is happening according to reports and rumours.

The vapid Kutch is rumoured to be having a thing with the odious, wearisome faux-nymph Rihanna, which of course, is ruining Demi Moore who has been looking rather unhinged and fragile since Bruce Willis left her some time in 4,000BC.

Demi is said to be feeling “sick to her stomach” over rumours her estranged husband Ashton Kutcher is dating RiRi. Its nice that Moore should hear these rumours while she was fresh out of rehab for a reported eating disorder and a reported drug mishap.

Ashton, of course, has impeccable timing. The reason he and Demi broke up in the first place because he stuck his dick into a young woman on the night of his wedding anniversary. And now this.

A source says:

“Demi is constantly keeping tabs on Ashton so when these pictures came up she was understandably devastated. Demi’s convinced something happened between them and said she felt ‘sick to her stomach’.

“[She's] been acting crazy ever since, trying to find out information about the pair. Demi is in such a fragile state, even the idea of them together has affected her quite badly.”

It seems that Ashton is absolutely determined to see Demi so suicidal that she actually tops herself. Whaddaguy!

Rihanna was papped leaving Ashton’s LA home at around 4am recently and according to reports, is so smitten with the hunk she’s introduced him to her brother, Rorrey.

An insider told The Sun:

“Rihanna and Rorrey, who releases music under the name GQ, are close so him meeting Ashton is a big deal. Rihanna clearly thinks things between them are serious.”

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Chris Brown is dead. So not all bad news today then.