[via The Bearded Jew and Ri Caragol]

The post Bearded Jew Raps About “Rug[s] On Your Face” appeared first on Heeb.

Take a look:

Ultimately, though, the video leaves one feeling as if it’s missed the larger, and arguably most interesting, point – How is it that a woman so clearly enamored with Judaism’s accoutrements (if not the religion) has come to be so deeply involved in something as unexpected (and, arguably outside the mainstream) as astrology? I suspect there’s more to Lanyadoo’s story than we’re seeing here, but what do I know? I haven’t checked my horoscope in years.

[via Tablet Magazine]

The post San Francisco’s Jewish Psychic appeared first on Heeb.

First Anthony Weiner announces he’s running for mayor, and now this.  Mazel tov to Eric Garcetti, the Nice Jewish Boy who just won the LA mayor’s race.  At least we think he won the LA Mayor’s race–the headline in the Forward announced:

Eric Garcetti Declared First Jewish Mayor of Los Angeles

…which leaves us a little unclear if that’s a separate position from the general mayor.  Either way, we’re happy for him, for the city, and for the ADL, which can now definitively state that not all Jews in LA are in show business.

The post Now Everybody’s Getting One appeared first on Heeb.

Seriously, forget Seth Myers – give this guy a network contract already! Anyone who can whip out “are you related to Stephen King?” without skipping a beat deserves his own show.

The post The Last Jewish Waiter Is Back appeared first on Heeb.

After months of hand-wringing about the dearth of Jewish candidates in the New York mayoral race and what that means for the future of New York Jewry, we can all breath a sigh of relief--Anthony Weiner has entered the race.  

Now, Jewdar is a forgiving sort, and skeevy as what he did was, on the political spectrum of bad behavior, it’s pretty far down on the scale.  Chances are in the primary we’ll be casting our vote for Sal Albanese (we have a certain affinity for well-intentioned schlumpfy guys with no chance of winning–draw what conclusions you will).  As for the mayoralty, we figure that if Weiner can extend that far, he’ll get our vote.

That said, we are nonetheless happy that Weiner is rising again:

A.  We were tired of wringing our hands about the dearth of Jewish candidates in the New York mayoral race and what that means for the future of New York Jewry.

B.  We are so happy, as a humorist, for all the penis jokes.  I’ll just get a few out of the way to warm up:

- Debate Moderator Cuts Off Weiner

- After Premature Excitement, Weiner Droops

- Lesbians Back Quinn, but Will Gays Prefer Weiner?

Now of course, some might find this childish, but Jewdar has a simple policy, which is that while we won’t make fun of you for being named “Weiner,” we will definitely make fun of you if you’re named “Weiner” and you send random women photos of your eponymous body part.  So thank you, Anthony, and good luck.

The post Weiner Has Entered appeared first on Heeb.

It all started innocently enough, when Maron in tweeted the following:

What followed was…well, uncomfortable.

Aaaaaaaaaan, we’re off! Folks, this is what happens when two masters of Jewish guilt and passive aggressiveness go toe-to-toe for the whole world to see.

What? Do kvetchy Jewish comics not listen to Mackelmore?

This, by the way, is a lie. No one was funny on that show “Ed”. No one.

*yawn*
He said “Jew”. Everybody drink.

*zing!*

The conversation (mercifully) was over, but the damage was done.

So, who won? It’s tough to tell. Both comics got some decent jabs in, but without a decisive knockout the decision goes to the judges – tell us who you think won in the comments below.

The post Marc Maron and Michael Ian Black Have The Most Passive Aggressive Twitter Fight Of All Time appeared first on Heeb.

Abstinence Until Whenever

Dear Judith,

My girlfriend is sexy, funny, laid back, and we have so much in common she jokes that we’re really twins who were separated at birth. We like each other’s friends, our friends like each other–everyone agrees we’re a great match. But she wants to wait until we’re in love to have sex. I’m fine with this because we get each other off all the other ways. But I can’t tell the difference between love and lust anymore. And if I do decide I love her, how will I convince her I’m sincere and not just horny?

We’re not virgins, and she hasn’t had any majorly bad sexual experiences (that I know of).

TIA,

Balls of a Certain Color

Dear Balls,

Does anybody have a list of email addresses for all the religious leaders and moralists out there preaching abstinence in order to avoid confusing lust with love? I’d like to forward your email to them, Balls, if you don’t mind. Meanwhile, as I savor this odd moment of being about to advise a man on how to get a woman into bed, because I’m impressed that you aren’t lying to get her into bed but perhaps also because it’s allergy season and my blood is sixty-percent anti-histamine, don’t mention sex to your girlfriend. Don’t allude to it, don’t watch sexy movies, don’t play Grand Theft Auto…. when fooling around, don’t pause mid-moan to ask her if you should put on a condom. Avoid the topic for a week or so, say the magic word after you’ve had at least one orgasm and she’s had a few, and you won’t sound horny. You will be, of course; the best you can do is believe you’re not. Similarly, the sex-talk moratorium may lead your girlfriend to blur love with the fear of losing you, but if she’s convinced, good enough. You didn’t ask me for a definition.

Hope it works out,

Judith

Honor Your Inner Bridezilla

Dear Judith,

I’m getting married in June and doing my utmost not to be a Bridezilla. My mother, however, is being a Motherzilla-of-the-Bride. We disagree on everything from the food to the flowers, and if I try to say anything her response is to remind me how much money she’s spending on everything. She’s spending so much because she’s inviting everybody she knows (and vice versa. Chicken and egg). My fiance and I would both be happier with a smaller affair, but I’m the youngest and the only girl, so whatever. I think  I should be allowed some input because I agreed to let her invite so many guests in the first place, but the notion of me “letting her” do something won’t go over well, obviously. How can I phrase it better?

Sincerely,

Daughter of the ‘Zilla

Dear Daughter,

Don’t waste your breath arguing for your right to argue–just argue. By which I mean, if Mom’s a ‘Zilla, don’t fret about misogynist cable executives and their audience mocking you for ‘Zilling back. Basic self-assertion does not automatically equate with over-entitled behavior simply because the conflict pertains to the first day of the rest of your life, as a Disney princess or fashion magazine might put it. Seriously, we’re promised happily ever after a million different blatant and subtle ways beginning when we’re three, then society turns around and hassles us for caring about the bouquet? While a billion-dollar marriage industry grabbing for all our money at once tells us to match the bouquet to the chairs? And you thought my opening statement was confusing.

In reality (as opposed to reality TV) you lost this battle months ago when you didn’t press for the smaller shindig and offer to help pay. Revisiting that now will sound like a boycott threat; fight for your favorite color, though, and you’ll feel better about yourself, regardless of how you wind up feeling about your once-in-a-lifetime event. More importantly, you’ll be training for the future: your mother’s not going away, and if you plan on having kids, the Mommy industry–with its evil eye on repeat business–is closing in.

May the creators of Bridezillas raise true Bridezilla daughters and marry Bridezilla third wives.

Mazel Tov,

Judith

The post What’s Wrong With You: Love is in the Air (as is Pollen) appeared first on Heeb.

seems to be the opinion of Rockland County Solon Sherri Eisenpress, who awarded Myzner’s ex-husband custody of their three kids, apparently because Myzner is no longer sufficiently devout, and it would be too much of a shock to the Hasidic children to live with her.  

Now, of course, with all these things there’s the he said/she said element.  In this case, the judge seems to accept that the ex has a violent temper, and is not the prime caregiver, nor the caregiver the children would prefer.  And it seems that the main issue is the religious one (to make it even better, since the father is being investigated on abuse charges made by Myzner, her children weren’t even given to their father, but to a foster home).

Jewdar is Orthodox; Jewdar is also a parent.  And while Jewdar hopes his shayne kinderlach grow up to be at least reasonably frum adults, we also hope that they can do so in a loving home–indeed, we’d argue that a home that lacks love and compassion is probably one that isn’t going to produce reasonable anythings.  Ms Myzner is looking for financial and legal assistance in her struggle.  It’s not as gratifying as getting a Veronica Mars DVD from contributing to a kickstarter campaign, but if you have a few shekels burning a hole in your pocket, you might want to pass them her way.

[image via]

The post …But At Least He Only Eats Glatt Kosher appeared first on Heeb.

• Delicious
• Good for you
• The other white meat
• Criminally un-kosher
• Full of sweet sweet cheeba

Those first four are true everywhere, and that last one? Well, if you’re buying your swing from Seattle’s BB Ranch, odds are you’re eating a pig full of pot. As NPR’s Eliza Barclay reported yesterday, William von Schneidau, an enterprising butcher from Washington state, has begun feeding his herd stems, leaves, and root bulbs, resulting in “redder, and more savory ” meat. The pot, collected from Top Shelf Organic, a local dispensary, seems to be in response to the rising cost of livestock feed, which has prompted a number of independent farmers to seek alternate ways of giving their porcine pals their recommended daily caloric intake.

So, is the bacon getting all “age of aquarius” from its new feed? Well..the jury’s out. Per Barclay:

It’s not clear whether the pigs feel anything from the weed in their feed, or how much, if any, THC — the psychoactive substance that gets humans high — ends up in the meat. Rather than an attempt to develop a new meaty treat for stoners, the “pot pig” experiment seems mostly to be an (effective) publicity stunt.

Still, you know what they say: When it comes to not keeping kosher, pork is just a gateway meat.

[via, cover image via]

The post Pork Gets Pot-Tastic appeared first on Heeb.

The following audio – taken aboard the Bar Mitzvah bus from hell (well, Scarsdale, which is close enough) and posted to a local blog – makes Lebowski seem positively tame, clocking in with 13 “fucks” in just 1.40 minutes. The voice you hear belongs to none other than the bus chaperone – Yes, chaperone – who was hired to ensure the 12 and 13 year old partygoers stay safe. He does this by screaming, threatening, and generally acting like a complete psychopath.

The chaperone, while wildly unsuited for dealing with children, does show potential for a career as head coach of the Rutgers University basketball team.

***UPDATE***

It seems that the audio file has been removed from YouTube. Fortunately, Scarsdale10533 has the transcription. To get the full effect, we recommend reading this aloud, screaming at the top of your lungs like a crazy person:

“Who did it? Do it again, you fuck, and you’re fucked! The driver will kill you! He will kill you! One more time, you will die, you will bleed, out of your fucking nose! That’s right I’m spitting in your fucking eye! Ever do that again and you will die, got it? DEATH! You fuck! You spoiled fuck! Spoiled fuck! Do it again, and you’re dead. Did you learn your fucking lesson…ever again…fucking spoiled brat! That’s right don’t ever do it again and I know it was you, you cocky little shit. Death! It was an accident? You purposely threw it at our heads. Do you want these kids to die? You’re first out this fucking door! Welcome to my WORLD! You fuck! How do you feel now? Like the piece of spoiled shit that you are…little piece of shit. Learn something boys? Fucking spoiled brats…all of you. Fucking throwing hard things at people who are driving the bus and saving your life?”

***UPDATE TWO***

Looks like someone ripped the audio and put it up on soundcloud. Enjoy…

*****

[via]

The post New Bar Mitzvah Tradition: Psychotic Threats appeared first on Heeb.