As we tackle the last of the Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living it seems appropriate that we are also heading into the ‘holiday season’. For many this brings a mixed bag of emotions from joy to longing to excitement to frustration depending on what experiences and memories the holiday season triggers for you.

The Tenth and final guidepost in The Gifts of Imperfection is “Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and Always in Control”. The timing seems appropriate given that this is the time of year that we can take the opportunity to have fun, enjoy family time, play, sing, dance and be a little goofy!

As Dr Brown identified through her research, “Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of that one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone.”

What she is saying is that when we embrace laughter, song, and dance we give ourselves permission to celebrate and heal together. Shame cannot survive being talked about and it certainly can’t survive being shared or celebrated.

While Brené is suggesting the benefits of laughter, song and dance she also acknowledges that doing any of these things publicly carries too great a risk – that kind of vulnerability is too difficult for many of us. We are too worried about what others will think which is where the ‘being cool and always in control’ comes in. We believe that operating in this way is much safer and will draw less attention to ourselves. As Brené says “these behaviours are there to make sure that self-expression takes a back seat to self-protection and self-consciousness”.  Brené says that being ‘in control’ isn’t always about the desire to manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough.” But choosing to be cool over being free Brené says that we are betraying ourselves and those we care about. “When we don’t give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others”.

Take note of how many times the word ‘cool’ comes into your vocabulary each day – especially if you are talking to your child!  I have noticed this and caught myself on a number of occasions when I was about to tell my son that what he was doing ‘was not cool’ – I was allowing my own fears of what people would think to infect him and this is not fair to him or me.

And so we come to the end of the guideposts. As Brené says, meaningful change is a process and adopting these guideposts for wholehearted living is not always easy but like with parenting, compassionate commitment is what is required.  We will fall and we will get back up again always knowing that ‘we are enough’.

As Brené says, “wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It’s about cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging”

Embracing wholehearted living is not easy. As Brené herself admits “choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You are going to piss off, and terrify lots of people – including yourself.”

I hope you have enjoyed the series – please grab a copy of The Gifts of Imperfection to read more about the guideposts and the work of Dr Brené Brown.

With wholehearted wishes

Helen

As we arrive closer to the end of the year it provides a great opportunity for reflection on guidepost 9: ‘Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed to’ from The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr Brené Brown.

As many of us run out of steam and complain of tiredness from the long year it’s time to stop and ask, What is it that we are we tired of?

Have we been waking up to a Groundhog Day experience or have we been living a meaningful life doing things we are passionate about?

In her research it became clear to Dr Brown that the wholehearted lived a life that included engaged in what they call ‘meaningful work’. Some called it their ‘calling and others their passion.  Here are some connections she also found in her work (outlined in The Gifts of Imperfection page 112):

1.    We all have gifts and talents and when we use them we create a sense of meaning and purpose;

2.    Squandering our gifts brings distress into our lives and we pay for it emotionally and physically and become weighed down with resentment, disappointment and even grief;

3.    Sharing our gifts with the world is a powerful connection with our spirit;

4.    Using our gifts takes commitment;

5.    No one else can define what is meaningful for us;

6.    Our gifts are unique to each of us.

What she also found was the things that get in the way of us fully using our gifts and talents. The first of these is self-doubt, that little voice inside that says ‘oh that’s not really a gift, everyone can do that’. Or the burden of “supposed to’ which tells us  ‘what makes you so special that you can do what you love, just work for money like everyone else!’ or a range of other unhelpful and soul destroying comments that we barrage ourselves with.

The self-doubt and ‘Supposed to’ comments don’t go away if you ignore them, they get worse. The only way to address them is to tackle them head on by exploring the fears behind these comments.

• What are your gifts and talents? What are you most passionate about?
• Are you fully using them and sharing them? Are you doing what you are passionate about?
• If not, what is holding you back?
• What would life be like for you if you shared more of your gifts or followed your passion?

As theologian Howard Thurman says “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Until next time

Helen

With only three more guideposts remaining I am reminded that we are very quickly approaching the Christmas season. How appropriate then to be talking about cultivating calm and stillness with is the 8^th Guidepost for Wholehearted Living. While cultivating Calm and Stillness may seem challenging for some of us, perhaps it is the ‘letting go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle’ that may be more challenging.

I am acutely aware of how many people thrive on drama and relish in increased levels of anxiety. Some of us need this to the point that they create their own drama to remain in an anxious state simply because it provides some level of comfort, familiarity or safety for them.  Does this sound too farfetched or very familiar to you?  If it is familiar… read on.

Perhaps as a culture we are too focused on promoting stress and anxiety, much like the concept of ‘busy’ I discussed in my last post. To what end I wonder.  Dr Brown says ‘calm is a superpower!’  She says we can never avoid anxiety as an experience but we can eliminate it as a lifestyle.  In her audiobook “The Power of Vulnerability” she explains two responses to anxiety. She says “ When it comes to an anxiety response people can either become over-functioners or under-functioners. Over-functioners become controlling and micro-manage in stressful situations while under-functioners disengage and just don’t turn up.”  Neither are particularly effective in their approach but they are great signs that we are in an anxious state.

www.anxietycentre.com says that “Anxiety is not a disease, illness, or biological condition you inherit or contract. It’s also not a result of a chemical imbalance or biological problem in the brain. Anxiety is a condition we cause. Anxiety only lingers when we don’t understand it or know how to reverse it.”

What are our options for reversing anxiety in a given situation? Dr. Brown suggests cultivating calm and stillness. If you are a busy, anxious person then hearing the words calm and stillness may send you even further into hyper drive.  Dr. Brown defines and helps to clarify what calm and stillness look like. She says, calm is about “creating perspective and mindfulness, while managing emotional reactivity” (p 106). It is about being able to take a step back from the situation, consider the possibilities and be able to “self-talk” your way through the situation with realistic and grounded thinking. Stillness “is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally chatter-free space allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question” (p 108). Stillness is about creating space for reflection in all the busyness.

Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion strategies can work wonders during times of anxiety.  We covered her three steps in Guidepost 2 back in April, they were:

• Being kind to ourselves: treating ourselves as we would someone we love;
• common humanity: understanding that we are a part of something bigger and others have shared the difficulties we are facing (we are not alone); and
• mindfulness: being present to how we are feeling, acknowledging it and accepting it as OK.

In addition to this, perhaps it is also time to consider whether we can reduce the amount of self-generated anxiety from over-promising and stop looking for ways to put more pressure on ourselves.

Maybe it is time to check in with ourselves with a little honesty around the topic and acknowledge areas in our lives where we unnecessarily create drama.  Instead of repeating the unhelpful practice, let’s  consider digging deep to seek some understanding around the reasons why we do this.  As with most things, a little self-awareness goes a long way!

When all else fails, feel free to use my highly effective anti-anxiety strategy from Martha Beck (see below) … ask yourself “Am I currently being attacked by a velociraptor?”  If the answer is “no” you will probably be OK.

Until next time

Helen

Martha Becks 10 questions to ask yourself if you are over-stressed

1. Am I currently being attacked by a velociraptor?  If your answer is yes, now would be an excellent time to panic. However, absent a velociraptor (or some other imminent physical threat), panic’s advantages decline precipitously. Your biological stress responses are counterproductive in almost every civilized situation. So before getting completely hysterical, remind yourself that right here, right now: You’re physically safe. Just breathe in, breathe out. That’s all it takes to get by.
2. Where can I hide?  Just because fight-or-flight reactions won’t help with your IRS audit doesn’t mean you don’t have a hormonal compulsion to escape. Hiding is an excellent self-calming strategy, one I use almost every day.
   See, the divine plan of this universe has placed bathrooms all over the very same regions of the world where shrieking and clawing are frowned upon. In your next hyperstressed moment, stride briskly to the nearest bathroom stall, lock yourself in and give yourself five minutes to rock numbly. Then ask…
3. Why is this happening to me?  Your first repetition of this mantra should be spontaneous and heartfelt. I advise biting down on a roll of clean toilet paper, so people in neighboring stalls will hear only “FWAH IFH VIF HAFFADEEG FVHOO FEE?!” They’ll conjecture you’re experiencing the sort of distress Jamie Lee Curtis could fix with her magic yogurt, and they’ll leave quickly. Then ask yourself…
4. Seriously, why is this happening to me? After your primal scream, get analytical. What’s really going on here? Hyperstress is usually created by a combination of circumstance and personal choice. Look for patterns. Do you habitually assume too much responsibility, fail to communicate, forget to rest? Tracking these decisions is like analyzing the black box after a plane crash: It won’t erase the present situation, but it can improve the future. Which brings us to…
5. How can I keep this from happening again? Diagnosis is half the cure. Once you’ve identified behaviors that increase stress—such as having children—you can stop them. Pinpoint stress-generating actions like procrastination, approval-seeking or overpromising. Remember the vertiginous feeling you get when you’re about to err. Mentally rehearse making different choices—taking 10, consulting experts, stabbing yourself—the next time it happens.
6. How old do I feel?  On September 11, 2001, I had a doctor’s appointment. I gave the nurse my name—my maiden name, which I hadn’t used in decades. Under severe stress, we all revert to our inner child. Acknowledging this helps you give yourself the kindness you’d show a terrified kid. Whatever age you feel, offer comfort appropriate to that age level. Say things like “It’s okay, honey,” “You’re doing great” or “Wow, you can walk!” You’ll be amazed how calming kind self-parenting can be.
7. How is now different from then?  Hyperstress can trigger memories of trauma: abuse, illness, an accident. We may think we’re back there, helpless and clueless, instead of in the here and now, with options. Now may be stressful, but it’s not then. You have the freedom to get support, wisdom or skill. Just noticing that will help you relax.
8. Is there pie?  I’m a pretty healthy eater, but on hyperstressed days, I skip the green smoothies and go for medicinal doses of pie. Pecan, coconut, lemon meringue—these pies are so unhealthy they make potato chips look like organic kale. But they do quiet the nerves. I realize that by giving you this advice, I’m ensuring I’ll go straight to hell. But let’s face it: Pie helps.
9. What is the absolute least I can do to improve this situation?  I know you usually dot every “i,” cross every “t,” knock the ball out of the park, yada yada. But on a hyperstress day, that ain’t happening. Turn in the absolute minimum performance that enables you to survive—not thrive, just survive. Finish the one bit of work that absolutely, positively cannot wait. Wear enough clothing to keep from being arrested. Feed your children. If necessary, feed them pie (see “going to hell,” above).
10. Will this matter when I am dead?  It comforts me greatly that we’ll all be dead soon. (Seriously. Fifteen minutes ago I was young and dewy; now I could beat the Parthenon in a crumbling-ruin contest.) On your deathbed, it won’t matter whether you missed that baby shower, downloaded that upgrade or finished all that frigging work. You’ll remember the times you absorbed the grandeur, beauty and tenderness of life as a human: gazing into a loved one’s eyes, laughing with friends, easing someone’s pain. That includes your own pain, the pain of those hyperstressed days.Nothing you’ll do in your life is as important as that life itself. The opposite of living in stress is letting go of everything that’s kept you from fully living. Imagine what you’d do if you knew there was nothing to fear, nothing worth losing yourself in stress. Then, do it. I’ll take your pie.

How common is it these days to ask how people are and hear back the response “Busy!” How often have you responded in the same way?

‘Busy’ seems to be the current ‘way of being’ and seen by many as a badge of honour but how often do we stop and wonder whether this way of operating is serving us well? Are you the servant to your life or the master of it?

This month’s guidepost is ‘Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a status symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth.’

Children are always engaged in play; building forts and creating new games with their friends but Dr. Brené Brown points out that ‘play’ goes beyond the innocent imaginative play of kids. Through her research Dr Brown discovered the work of Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute of Play, who has identified seven patterns of play that apply to us all from kids to adults. The patterns of play include being purposeless, voluntary, giving us a sense of freedom from time and making us want to keep doing it to name a few. Dr Stuart Brown says play “shapes our brain, fosters empathy, creativity and innovation” and he affirms the importance of play for our general well-being by saying the “opposite of play is not work, it’s depression.”

Adding to this important work on ‘Play’, Dr Brene Brown highlights the importance of rest. She says that rest is important to schedule in because the ‘to do’ list will never be done. She feels that exhaustion is currently seen as a status symbol in our culture and we must let go of this if we want to choose a more wholehearted way of living. She says “We stay busy to ensure that the truth doesn’t catch up with us but when it does we realise that we are exhausted, resentful and not doing any of what we want to be doing.”

 According to Dr. Brené Brown, the main barrier to adults in North America being able to rest and play is that exhaustion has become a status symbol and productivity has become a symbol of self-worth.  To make any changes in our day to day lives we need to re-think our perceptions of Play and Rest. For many people, to rest and play means they are lazy, weak or unproductive; This perspective could be replaced with one that understands that play and rest mean that we value our health, want to take care of ourselves and experience being present.

Like any change we need to make conscious decisions about how we want to spend our days and our time with people we most care about. Cultivating play and rest will require planning and discussion because play isn’t only about child-like games and likewise, rest isn’t about watching TV for endless hours.

Cultivating play and rest involves being actively engaged so challenge yourself to put your devices away, have a conversation with your family and integrate more play and rest into your life.

Until Next Month

Helen

The 6^th Guidepost of Wholehearted Living outlined in Dr Brené Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection” is Cultivating Creativity – Letting go of Comparison.

Dr Brown has become very passionate about the importance of creativity in our lives in recent years and summarises what she has learned about creativity from her research in three points (The Gifts Of Imperfection page 96):

1. There is no such thing as creative and non-creative people, there are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t.
2. The only unique contribution we will ever make in this world will be born out of our creativity;
3. If we want to make meaning we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild and engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing – it doesn’t matter. As long as we are creating, we are cultivating meaning.

Three very powerful findings from her conversations with wholehearted people.

The topic of creativity can be confronting for many of us who have the impression that we need to be skilled in artistic abilities to be creative. Most would bring to mind a paint brush and easel when the word creativity is mentioned. One of my clients response to creativity was “well I don’t paint and I can’t draw” which further confirms the stereotype associated with the word creative.

Creativity is far more than painting and drawing.

Imagining, inventing, making, building and exploring are all forms of creativity that we all have experienced in our lives – we simply don’t recognise these things as creativity.

What do you enjoy that is creative?

What can you do more of to bring more of your creativity to the world?

What can trip us up in our creative pursuits is comparison.  Dr Brown says that comparison is all about conformity and competition and can also drive our need to both ‘fit in’ and ‘stand out’.  I am certain we can all think of examples in our lives where comparison has driven us to do things differently, be different just to ‘fit in’.  The outcome of comparing is either feeling ‘I am not enough’ or ‘I am better than them’ neither is a healthy place to be.

Letting go of comparison is a form of self-care and self-compassion. It can be difficult to let go of the expectations of others and simply be ourselves but we will reap the rewards if we can make this a daily practice.

In our hectic lives, take time to consider how you can integrate more creativity into your day. Making more time for creativity may feel challenging but the rewards will be worth it.

Until next time

Helen

This month we have arrived at the half way point in the 10 Guideposts of Wholehearted living by Dr Brené Brown.  If you haven’t read the first 4, take a few minutes to refer back to my earlier posts.

The fifth guidepost outlined By Brené Brown in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” is Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty.

This month I will start with the ‘letting go’ element of this guidepost – ‘letting go of certainty’.  Many of us like knowing what ‘is’ and what ‘will be’ – we prefer to be certain about decisions we make and actions we take. Not knowing leaves many of us feeling lost and fearful and if we listen we can hear this often in the words people use to others and to themselves: “Are you sure?”, “is that a definite?” or “can you guarantee that?”  We look for assurances in relationships, in work and in life in general while logically we know that nothing is guaranteed.

Navigating through this uncertainty can be better managed with intuition and faith according to Dr Brown.  She defines intuition as “not a single way of knowing, it is our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we have developed knowledge and insight including instinct, experience, faith and reason.” And faith as “a place of mystery where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

As Dr Brown discusses, one of the main reasons many of us struggle to trust our own intuition or gut feelings is because we long for certainty. We want solid answers and proof before forming opinions or making decisions. Rather than following the part of us that already knows what we want or need, we look to others to make or confirm decisions for us. We look for external validation of what feels true within or we look for external validation because we no longer remember what it feels like to trust our inner knowing.

Dr Brown refers to this as ‘polling’ others for their opinions in the hope that this gives us the confirmation or validation we are seeking.

Cultivating intuition requires giving ourselves space to sit with uncertainty. It requires us to slow down and make time for our own thoughtful judgement. Brené also reminds us that sometimes when we slow down, our intuition may say “yes, do this”, however, it may also say: “we need more information” and when this happens it is OK to act on that.

Trusting faith is another way of stepping into uncertainty. It means stepping fully into life and love despite our unknowns and fears.

Take some time to consider the areas in life where you may benefit from using your intuition and trusting your faith. Ask yourself:

• What parts of your life feel most uncertain right now?
• How can embracing intuition and faith change your relationship with that uncertainty?

It’s not about denying the things you just don’t know but rather changing your relationship with how they impact you.

Until next month!

Helen

The fourth guidepost outlined By Brené Brown in her work is: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

This guidepost is one that may sound simple but can reveal vulnerabilities on both sides of the equation.

Gratitude and joy may seem like concepts that most would eagerly embrace but the complexity behind these must be acknowledged and discussed. From her research, Dr Brown identified three important patterns with both joy and gratitude:

Firstly, those who described their lives as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and believed that this was the reason for their joyfulness. Secondly, people described both joy and gratitude and spiritual practices and finally, the people she researched identified a difference between joy and happiness with happiness being described as an emotional response to a situation and joy as a spiritual way of connecting with the world and linked to the practice of gratitude.

When elaborating on gratitude, Dr Brown is quick to point out the difference between having an ‘attitude of gratitude’ and ‘practicing gratitude’. The main difference being in the ‘doing of the work’ rather than simply being attracted to the concept and agreeing with the philosophy. Practicing gratitude isn’t simply about thanking someone for a gift or assistance they have given you – this is being grateful and this is clearly socially polite and important in relationships. Practicing gratitude is a mindset and belief system that enables you to wake up each morning and be grateful for all that your life has offered you.  People that practice gratitude engage in journal writing, gratitude art, mediation and prayer among other things. It is a part of who they are as well as what they do.

Joyfulness flows from gratitude, according to Dr. Brown’s work. She summarises joy by explaining that it is more a way of being, a spiritual practice and philosophy rather than happiness which like all emotions, is transitory. Like happiness, joy can come and go but while happiness seems driven from external influences, joy is influenced from within.

Dr. Brown often talks about joy as being one of our most vulnerable states, wide open and completely exposed to the fear of that joy being lost or taken from us by the thoughts of scarcity and fear.

Our scarcity and fear can hijack us in many ways and it is difficult to practice joy and gratitude while focusing on scarcity and fear.  To really feel the joy that our lives have to offer, especially in those precious moments when we feel the deepest love for our children or loved ones, we must dismiss the thoughts that invade our minds and attempt to diminish these moments.

There are moments where I am taken aback by the deep love and adoration I feel when watching my son and my mind immediately jumps in and says ‘I couldn’t bear it if I lost him’ or the times when I have been in a joyous moment on holidays or with a friend and my mind steps in and says ‘it won’t’ last’ Dr Brown calls this ‘foreboding joy’ and it is a defense mechanism against vulnerability.  Gratitude is the antidote for foreboding joy, being truly grateful in that moment is what dilutes my fear.

I am certain of one thing, I am not the only person who experiences this. Consider practicing gratitude when you experience fear and scarcity and see how things change for you.

Until next time

Helen

The third guidepost outlined By Brené Brown in her work is:

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

What is Resilience? The way I always describe resilience is by calling it my ‘bounce back factor’. Very simply, it is the ability to get back up again and continue to move forward toward you goal or objective after a setback.

Your level of resilience can be influenced by the circumstance, the number of times you have experienced a setback or even how you are feeling on a given day. I know that some days I don’t feel resilient at all but overall I have a pretty good bounce-back factor.

I have always thought of resilience as a muscle, something that we can build up or allow to weaken depending on our mindset.

One of the keys to being resilient and to building it is to accept that we are who we are and we don’t need to be any other way. As we learned in the first guidepost Cultivating Authenticity, it is better to be disliked for who we are than to be disliked for who we are not and this applies to this guidepost too. Having a setback by being our authentic selves is easier to bounce back from than if we are not. It may not hurt any less but we can pick ourselves up and keep going, if that is what we have chosen to do, knowing that we are being true to ourselves and our values.

In the Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that recent research indicates these as the 5 most common factors of resilient people:

1. They are resourceful and have good problem solving skills
2. They are more likely to seek help
3. They hold the belief that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and cope
4. They have social support available to them
5. They are connected with others such as family or friends

In my experience, other common characteristics of those displaying a high degree of resilience include:

• An ability to extract personal learning from the experience;
• Having a range of tools and skills to be able to draw on to overcome the setback;
• Displaying flexibility in the way they think – being open to exploring new perspectives and analysing why things didn’t go to plan;
• Having a strong drive to achieve the vision or goal that has been set;
• Beinging willing to receive feedback, and
• Never, ever giving up!

Unfortunately. After difficult situations some people opt to numb the pain or discomfort they feel. When people feel overwhelmed, afraid or feel vulnerable they can slip into a very dark place and look for comfort in things that cause this feeling to go away. Numbing the pain to ‘take the edge off’ doesn’t last – as soon as we stop the numbing strategy the pain and discomfort returns and those sharp edges return to our lives. As Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter says:

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it”

We all numb at times – think about what you avoid and how you choose to avoid it – food, alcohol, work, TV?  It may not be obvious at first and if it has been your habit to numb in this particular way for a long time you may not even recognise the behaviour as a numbing strategy.

Numbing is different to comfort. There are things we can do to bring us comfort like curling up on the couch and watching a good movie with a chocolate treat. Comfort turns to numbing when we are watching hour after hour of TV and eating a block of chocolate or more.  We each know our line between comfort and numbing but we probably don’t take the time to be conscious of what we are doing and stop ourselves. One way to challenge ourselves when we identify this behaviour is to ask ourselves two questions:

What feeling is this behaviour creating for me?

What feeling is this behaviour masking for me?

You will be able to reveal the ‘pain’ that you are avoiding from one of these answers.

Brené Brown says that the issue with numbing is that we can’t selectively numb emotions – “we by default numb them all” – if we numb sadness we numb joy, if we numb anger then we also numb passion and if we numb fear we also numb excitement.

Next time you find yourself numbing, challenge yourself to identify the cause and allow yourself to feel the emotions you are desperately trying to avoid.  This is empowering in itself and may give you the energy you need to move yourself forward.

We all need a resilient spirit to carry us toward our goals and through any doubt or fear we may experience along the way. Brené says:

“Powerlessness is dangerous. For most of us the inability to effect change is a desperate feeling. We need to believe that we can effect change if we want to live and love with our whole hearts.”

Until next time

Helen

The second guidepost outlined By Brené Brown in her work is Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism.

Perfectionism in itself is a topic I could write about for a year and still have more to write. It is the culprit that underpins many unhealthy behaviours and is a common by-product of ‘I am NOT enough’.

Letting go of Perfectionism is critical to embrace greater levels of self-compassion. Dr Brown explains very clearly that perfectionism is not the same as healthy striving for excellence, she believes it is an addiction that stifles everything we do and it’s very much handed down through the generations. The simplest way to tell whether you are being perfectionistic or just striving for excellence is to identify where the driver for that behaviour is coming from – is it external? i.e. are you wanting to get it right to impress others or to avoid perceived consequences from others? If so this is perfectionism.  Is the driver internal? Is it a force coming from within you driving you to do the very best you can? If so this is likely to be striving for excellence.

I know from my experience that I feel very differently when I am being perfectionistic rather than striving for excellence. The burden of being perfect is heavy, feeling like I will be judged or graded for my performance and always feeling like I need to do just that little bit more (often at the expense of even finishing something).

When I am doing something for myself, for my own sense of achievement and growth I rarely think about what others may say or how they may react – I am less focused on their expectations and detached from their opinions. I still value feedback and complements of course (!) but I don’t take things to heart nor do I rely on their approval to validate what I have done.

Given it’s insidious nature it may surprise us to know how rife perfectionism really is. Perfectionism is a self-protection strategy many of us have chosen to use to avoid feeling shame. Dr Brown calls it a ‘twenty ton shield’ and describes it as a well-worn and common defence mechanism. Sadly, perfectionism doesn’t work, it continues to drive us into the ground, wearing us down, while tricking us into believing we are doing the right thing. No matter how hard we try, it doesn’t give us the one thing we are yearning for, the feeling of being ‘enough’. Perfectionism wins every time and keeps us hooked with the belief that if we can just do it better next time or do more next time or be faster, stronger, thinner, smarter or whatever relates to that situation, we will be enough.

The best people and businesses have healthy doses of mistakes and failures, this is how we learn best. Perfectionism doesn’t allow for mistakes and it is an exhausting and debilitating way to operate.

The good news is that it is ‘curable’!  As a recovering perfectionist I can see the damage it has done to myself and others that I have coached. One of the greatest ways to eliminate perfectionism is to focus on building up our ‘self-compassion’ muscle and before we move on to this take time to reflect on a few questions:

Do you have a tendency to be perfectionistic?

In what areas of your life does it show up?

How has this disadvantaged you?

What would be different for you if you simply stopped?

What support do you need in place to consider this?

I am a big fan (borderline groupie actually) of self-compassion. For me it has become a staple ingredient in my emotional health diet. It provides sustenance for any challenge I am about to face and it is essential in the recovery phase too.

Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence – it is a necessary act of self-care. Self-compassion is quite simply treating ourselves as we would treat someone we care deeply for, with love, patience, understanding and respect.

When someone we care about is struggling we do everything on our power to support them, show we care, help them but we rarely take the time to do this for ourselves when we are in a similar situation instead we criticise ourselves, judge ourselves and often make ourselves work harder.

Dr Brown often refers to the work of Dr Kristin Neff from www.self-compassion.org. Dr Neff’s website provides many valuable free resources to assess your own level of self-compassion and gives guidance on how to increase it. Dr Neff describes the three elements of self-compassion as:

• Being kind to ourselves: treating ourselves as we would someone we love;
• common humanity: understanding that we are a part of something bigger and others have shared the difficulties we are facing (we are not alone); and
• mindfulness: being present to how we are feeling, acknowledging it and accepting it as OK.

When in emotional discomfort, Dr Neff suggests we take a few minutes to practice Self-compassion by stopping and acknowledging these three things by saying something like “I am having a tough time right now, I know that others have felt this and I am not alone, I am OK”.  This simple process brings us into the present moment to respect where we are and acknowledge our needs and feelings.

Self-compassion doesn’t allow for perfectionism, they can’t co-exist. Consider how you can integrate even a little self-compassion into your day and watch how quickly things change for you. I am not suggesting you take yourself off for a pamper session at your local spa each day, unless that floats your boat, but rather, focus on changing a few small things that will have a big impact. Even saying “I’m doing the best I can” instead of “I’m useless” will have a positive effect on how you feel. Just give yourself a break.

This month consider how you can introduce even a little self-compassion into your day. We are all capable of being compassionate toward others so it isn’t something we need to learn, we simply need to direct it toward ourselves.

Until next month

After immersing myself in the work of Brené Brown for the last 4 years and becoming a Certified Daring Way Facilitator, I have come to realise that authenticity is one of the most important qualities I look for in another and also in myself. The more aware I become of this quality the more I see the lack of it in everyday situations. People saying ‘yes’ when they want to say ‘no’, trying to be someone they are not to impress others or simply not speaking up on things that matter to them. Let’s face it – we have all done some or all of these things (daily in my case!).

As covered in my last post, Dr. Brown’s work is based on years of research and the interviewing of those individuals who already operate in a ‘wholehearted’ way.  In addition to her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Dr. Brown has recorded an audio of a two day training she conducted on the guideposts available for download or purchase on CD format. In her audio “The Power of Vulnerability”, Dr. Brown is entertaining and pointed in her description of these guideposts, all the while providing meaningful and at times, quite personal examples of her own struggle to embrace wholehearted practices – a true reflection of today’s post and the first guidepost: Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what other people think.

Dr. Brown defines Authenticity as “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are.” She says that in choosing authenticity we must understand that we need to cultivate the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Dr. Brown shares a number of her own mantras for these guideposts and the one she draws on to support her being her authentic self is “don’t Puff up, don’t shrink, just stand in your sacred ground”. By this she means to remind herself that at times she wants to become bigger than she is (puff up and fight) and at other times she wants to become smaller (by not speaking her mind or backing away from who she is) but in all situations she needs to simply be who she is, speak her mind and be comfortable with the outcome.  She reminds us that being liked for who we are is what matters and if we are not liked for who we are then it is better than not being liked for who we are pretending to be. Bringing our authentic selves to our daily lives and business is better for our sense of selves and sense of worthiness in the short and long term.

Another side issue of being authentic relates to boundaries. Often we find ourselves moving our boundaries to please others or not having any boundaries at all.  Personal boundaries are critical in any relationships we have including the one we have with ourselves. Many of us find ourselves saying ‘yes’ when we really want to say ‘no’ and then are full of resentment afterwards. This mode of operating is usually to avoid disappointing others, or to create a false impression of ourselves or simply because we don’t know our own limits. Setting boundaries is critical to establish self-worth and to remain in authentic practice.  To support her boundary setting Dr Brown recites the mantra “Choose discomfort over resentment” to remind herself that saying ‘no’ now will help her not feel the resentment later.

As I have mentioned a few times in this post, authenticity is a practice reflected in all that we do and say. Our business lives can reflect this too and people will want to work with us because of this quality. Many of the business clients I work with have built their reputation and grown their businesses by being who they are. Their customers connect with them, their purpose, their values, their way of operating and customer loyalty is built on this.

We have all experienced people who seem ‘fake’ or are putting on a façade – we can see straight through it normally so it makes sense that if we do the same, others will see through us too. People will love us for who we are not, as well as who we are. Others will also dislike us for the same reasons. We can’t control the perceptions either group of people, nor should we spend our energy trying.

Being authentic is about being true to ourselves and recognising quickly when we are moving away from our ‘real’ selves and correcting this. It is about falling over and making mistakes and being completely imperfect… Being as open about our flaws as our strengths.

As Dr. Brown says in her second book The Gifts of Imperfection, “I try to make authenticity my number one goal when I go into a situation where I’m feeling vulnerable. If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame. When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me: “I’m not good enough.” If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble. I get going by making authenticity the priority.”

Take some time out to consider:

In what areas of your life can you become more authentic?

Are you worried about what people think and if so, what are you most scared of?

What (or who) do you feel you may lose if you let go of this?

What situations create the need for you to be inauthentic?

Do you have clear boundaries in personal and business relationships?

What can you do differently to clarify these?

Do you speak up about your position or your needs?

Take the opportunity this month to focus on being more authentic. Observe your patterns and behaviours and make a commitment to being more authentic and ‘show yourself’ in areas of your life where you may be too concerned about what people think. Set boundaries based on who you are and what you are OK with, not what you think others want you to do.

I will leave you with this beautiful excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams as referenced in Dr. Browns work.

Get real | Be Real | Stay real!

Until next month!

Helen