Hello Menopause!

the tides have changed...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 06:49:00 +0000

The tides have changed. I've turned a corner. Somehow I feel like I flipped a switch. Crazy.

I started this blog when I had my hysterectomy because I wanted to document my experience, my research (as it were), and have a place to put my feelings down on the proverbial paper. But as I was living through menopause I realized that it just wasn't going to work. Frankly I think I was just too close to the subject to be any good at sharing in a productive manner. Some times were fun, some I would rather have done without. But what a huge experience to live through.

I often wonder why we don't discuss menopause, or many things in life for that matter. The women who came before me never told me what to expect. And that's probably okay, but sometimes it's just nice to know that what you are experiencing is normal. That your partner may think your crazy, but this too shall pass.

This Christmas it's just nice to be enjoying the holidays, no stress, no worries. Well, other than the "normal" ones! It's a good way to end the year. Merry Christmas!

Can allergies be menopause related?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 06:23:00 +0000

I found an article that talks about developing allergies during menopause. I found this to be fascinating because since I hit menopause I have developed somewhat "severe" allergies, but instead of hives, wheezing, sneezing, or other unpleasantries in reaction to my surroundings I seem to have developed allergies to food groups. Three years ago I became terribly allergic to anything that contained cows milk. Sadly I had to give up cheese, milk and therefore cereal, and so much more.

Imagine going to a Mexican restaurant and ordering enchiladas, and then asking them to please hold the cheese. It was difficult at first, but once I went without dairy it became very easy. I tried lactose pills and that helped for a short time but not always successfully. In the past year I have had 2 slices of Swiss cheese and possibly 4 bites of sour cream. Oddly enough the only dairy product that I had NO negative reaction to was frozen yogurt. Interesting!

Somewhere in the last year I realized I was having a reaction to wheat as well, so I am taking wheat out of my diet slowly but surely. Although I won't give up pizza, it's been hard enough to not have cheese on my pizza. But pizza with no cheese AND no crust, well, that's just not right!

Two weeks ago, after three solid years of no dairy, I got fed up, tired of missing a few of my favorite things, and bought a small wheel of brie. Pre-dinner we enjoyed some French brie with some rice crackers, and voila, no reaction. A week later I tried brie again. And again, no reaction. The next day I had cottage cheese, no reaction. So I bought some milk and some cottage cheese at the grocery store yesterday. And I will slowly add in some select dairy items back into my diet and see how it goes.

Is this menopause related? I don't know. To be honest, maybe and maybe not. But for 45 years I have had not one allergy and now I am definitely having negative reactions to food groups, so I think the chances are pretty good that it's menopause related. I hope so, and hopefully it will pass as well.

And now going wheat free, well that's just a new adventure!

to each her own!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 06:27:00 +0000

By far my biggest challenge with menopause has been my short temper, my inability to stay cool in almost ANY situation. And while it's not fun for me I think it might be worse for those around me. They never know when it's going to hit, what is going to set me off. And when I feel the anger start, it almost feels better to feed it than to control it. Sad but true.

After doing a hormone test, both my doctor and I were quite surprised to find that everything was well within normal ranges, except my progesterone levels were a "tad" low. And by a tad I mean that if normal is 80 (as an example), my level was a 78 or 79. Somewhere I have those test results so please understand that I have no idea if 80 is even a realistic representation, so I am just going with it.

I tried progesterone cream, pretty low levels, and like the last time I took estrogen, it sent me far over the edge. Much farther than I would ever want to go. Unlike last time when it took me about three days to realize there was a problem, this time it took me over a month to realize I was in deep, deep trouble. And I went in with my eyes wide open, knowing the signs I was looking for from my bout with progesterone four years ago, and I still missed them. And that slow onset of what I call psychotic paranoia is a terrible thing to experience. When I finally realized what was going on I stopped the cream quickly. After about a week I started to feel a bit more normal.

But with normal came the symptoms I was trying to "cure". This time I turned to Amberen. I talked to my naturopath about it, and she said it couldn't hurt to try, there didn't seem to be anything harmful in this, and neither of us really found any stories of problems. So with a little hope and bit of trepidation I started the combination of a little white and a little orange pill every morning after breakfast.

Within less than a week I felt better. By the end of the first month I would barely loose my temper at something that might really deserve it, and I was laughing. A lot more! It felt great. I took Amberen for a straight 90 days, and when I ran out I decided to see what would happen if I stop taking it. It took about a month for me to really feel desperate, but I am back on it and happy to be feeling so great again! I believe that each woman must find her own best fit, and I am sure this will be a great solution for so many. I am so happy that it's working for me.

And who knows, I may still try some of the other solutions out there, and I will tell you when I do, but for now I am feeling better than I have in years.

good grief, it's been two years!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 04:48:00 +0000

When I started this blog I felt I needed an outlet for my menopausal musings, a place to record my hormonal findings, and basically, just a place to say my piece. I like to tell my story. But life got in the way, as it often does, and here we are two more years into my fabulous menopause, and I have lived through so many changes. I just haven't documented them. I feel every woman can tell a story that will help another woman somewhere in the world. And believe me, the highs and lows have been quite a challenge, but I have found a fabulous balance, and I will share that in the next post.

On a side note, my uncle died today. He was 68 years old. He would have been 69 this December. Another of my uncles (I am fortunate enough to have three!) called to give me the news. Then I called my mom, and my heart broke for her. This giant of a man, who survived multiple strokes 7 years ago, and has had some struggles since, who gave us all so much, who was always a shining light in my life, is gone. And I miss him terribly.

Good-bye Lee, I will be looking for your rainbow!

curls!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 08:38:00 +0000

Hair. Growing up I had stick-straight, super thin hair. I remember using my mom's hot rollers to curl it one time. Within an hour it was stick-straight again. So I did what I could with curling irons and blow dryers and, for the most part, enjoyed my hair. My hair dressers have all fawned over it. As I grew older it got thicker, but was always straight. Then about five years ago I started to develop single waves. There would be random waves in one little spot on my head.

After my hysterectomy I noticed that one little spot turned into a few little spots. Since I always blow dry my hair I don't often know what my hair would do if left to it's own devices. Tonight after a little color update I got out of the shower, towel dried my hair and decided to let it dry on it's own. What you see above it the current state of my hair, as of 10 minutes ago (I love technology!). And I have to say, not a big fan of these curls.

I have had friends with curls. Gorgeous, silky, bouncy curls. Mine are not that variety. Mine are random, uneven, and not user friendly. So I will continue with my usual routine, and quietly forget that I have these funny little curls. Until the next time!

Gotta love those hormones!

working on a menopause friendly diet...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:17:00 +0000

My biggest menopausal struggle seems to be my weight. I admit I am not militant about what I eat, but I am conscious and I only indulge once a week. And by indulge I mean I might have a frozen yogurt. I have been going to the gym for the better part of the past six months. I usually go about three times a week, and at first I was doing the treadmill/weights routine, but lately I have been doing a half hour of laps three times a week. I love to swim, and although the first ten laps are all about me telling myself I can stop at 20, laps 11 to 36 (or more) are pure joy. After I do my laps I do about 10 minutes of stretching and yoga poses while I am still in the pool. I feel great and it gives me a fantastic start to the day. I would like to go five or more days a week, but I will have to work on fitting that in to my current schedule. My intention is to add some weights to my routine in the near future. I know that strength training pays off big, and that is really what I need.

So despite my efforts I seem to be gaining weight. Frustrating, but I believe not all that uncommon. So I have to go back to square one. I am documenting every bite I take, I will double my fruit and veggie intake, I will continue swimming, challenging myself to more laps in the same half hour of time, and I will add strength training. In my premenopausal days I was successful at losing weight by eating well and exercising. Again, I wasn't militant but it worked. So I am revisiting all that I know and hopefully I will have a positive outcome by this time next year.

worrying...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:54:00 +0000

grieving what never was...

noreply@blogger.com (Kiezie) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 09:05:00 +0000

When you lose your uterus and ovaries funny things happens. I was always torn on the subject of children. Then I met my love and knew (I was SO certain!) that I didn't want children because I am in my mid-40's and I just don't want to spend the next twenty to forty years sharing my time with anyone but him.

Then came my hysterectomy. And then the hormones started to do their thing. And now I want a baby more than almost anything. I want children with this man. I want to raise them, enjoy their company, spoil them, discipline them, laugh with them, and maybe even occasionally at them. I want them to be at my side when I am old and gray and almost gone. If I go first I want to know they will be there for their father.

The realization that that will never happen is something I am grieving right now. Some of the tears that I cry I realize are tears of grief. I am grieving the loss of opportunity. The loss of things I never knew I wanted. It's kind of a crazy time. And I am facing it, walking right into, and hopefully, through it. And I will come out stronger than before. That is my light at the end of the tunnel.

to be honest...

noreply@blogger.com (Kiezie) — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:01:00 +0000

I started this blog for many reasons. I love to write. I don't know if I've loved it my whole life, but I have learned that it is a need I must fill. I love to share stories, and information, and knowledge. And yes, I believe information and knowledge are two different things. But I intended for this blog to be a humorous journal of my entry into and journey through menopause. A journal that I could look back on with wisdom, kindness, and maybe a little fondness. I haven't given this blog my full attention, but I have used it to express some of the heavier and more negative emotions.

But I have been holding back. And that was never my intention.

After my last posts I started taking Remifemin. It is a natural solution to HT (Hormone Therapy), and you take a pill in the morning and at night. I was having trouble remembering to take it at night and found that I was going up and down a lot. Way too much. I have friends who swear by the stuff but it wasn't the best solution for me. So I switched to Estroven, another natural solution. I felt relief almost instantly. I wasn't nearly as moody, and my (albeit mild) hot flashes were not nearly as hot. The only problem it has not resolved yet is my trouble getting hot and cold at night. I don't really get night sweats but I get hot and then extremely cold.

I am also very forgetful. It is almost like having no short term memory and that scares me. Mostly because I have no way of knowing if this is a short term problem (no pun intended) and side effect, or the beginning of a much larger problem. In addition to that my thoughts are quite mixed up. Almost like dyslexia in every aspect of brain power. My sentences sometimes come out all jumbled, like a puzzle. Although I cannot seem to control the jumbling, I have been able to slow down my thinking enough so that the words I use in the jumble can be easily understood by those around me. For example I may think I would like to have Chinese food for dinner tonight. But what comes out of my mouth may be something like dinner would be having Chinese. I can tell myself it is all temporary but how do I explain that to a future employer? Not a comforting thought when you are unemployed and seeking a new career.

I believe I have written that despite all the research I had done prior to my hysterectomy I was still not as prepared as I thought I was. I am still researching and finding information that I wish I had had a year ago. I do not know if it would have made any difference but I like to be mentally prepared. For example I have been having trouble loosing weight, which was expected, but somehow I missed the research about gaining weight during menopause. I have been having terrible joint pain and apparently that is also a side effect of menopause, but it was nowhere to be found in my prior research. I am having pains that scare the daylights out of me and I don't know how to tell when enough is enough.

The saddest part in all this is that I have little trust in the doctor who did my surgery and I have no one else to turn to in the medical profession. How do you find a doctor you can talk to and trust? How do you find a doctor who will listen to what you are saying rather than telling you how you should feel or else just ignore you all together? I feel a little adrift here.

So it is almost midnight and I was going to bed about two hours ago. The alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning and I like to read before I fall asleep at night. But as I was getting ready for bed I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I am grieving, but that's another post.

hair or no hair...

noreply@blogger.com (Kiezie) — Thu, 28 May 2009 06:57:00 +0000

It is common in women in menopause to have hair growth in new areas, or more so than before. But no hair?

I haven't shaved my legs in six months. And barely had the need to for the six months prior to that. Is this normal? I have yet to find any supporting research but it's interesting. I have not experienced any changes to hair growth anywhere else on my body, either more or less. My legs have always had light hair but now there is none. Well, there was one but I plucked it!

I take that back, there is plenty of research. I just never worried about it so I never really paid attention to those details: there is commonly thinning of body hair and an increase in facial hair. I always saw the increase in facial hair, and since I have tweezers and a great "wax-lady" I wasn't worried about that. So the fact that I may never have to shave my legs again is kind of cool!

Hey, I take it where I can get it!

when the tears keep falling...

noreply@blogger.com (Kiezie) — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:38:00 +0000

I had a hysterectomy one year ago yesterday. Last night we had a celebratory dinner for my 1 year without a uterus and ovaries. It's been quite a year of ups and downs, good and bad, nothing like being handed your menopause on a plate. I am not able to take hormone replacement of any kind right now because the doctors were not careful removing the cancer ridden parts of my uterus (which was ALL of it, thank you very much... "we didn't know"... really?) and the hormones would give any remaining cancer cells something to feed off of. I thought I was doing okay, and I have a family that just doesn't say anything if things are bad. Don't ask, I inherited most of them, LOL!! But last month I just couldn't take the crying any more. I literally was crying 4 or 5 times a day, or more, at EVERYTHING. So I went back to my research notes, and started taking remifemin. It worked ok, but then I switched to estroven, and I feel like my old self again, maybe even better. It all natural, herbal stuff, but it makes such a difference in how I feel. It really is worth it. My mom has a friend who went through the same thing and she won't even touch so much as an advil, and she takes another form of the same thing. Costco and iherb.com have the best prices on estroven. Trust me, it's worth it because I have myself back.

will i ever stop crying?

noreply@blogger.com (Kiezie) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:13:00 +0000

Because of the issues with my surgery and the pre-cancerous growth that was not carefully removed I was taken off of hormone replacement therapy shortly after my hysterectomy. At first that scared me, but I seemed to adjust rather well without them. Until recently.

For the first four weeks after surgery I was taking hormone pills, and although I seemed to cry at anything sad or remotely emotional, they were soft, slow, small tears. As time goes on these tears have become stronger, larger, and unstoppable. Whether I am having a deep emotional conversation or just hear a sad song, the tears start to flow and just don't stop.

This makes it difficult for me to have conversations with people because they think I am upset, emotional, sad, whatever the case may be, when in fact I just can't stop the flow of tears. It has been almost a year since my surgery and I am re-investigating natural remedies. Right now I would like to just not cry at the drop of a hat. I don't think that's too much to ask. Any suggestions?

a hormone moment...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 15:00:00 +0000

My debit card expires at the end of this month. A normal occurrence in most of our lives. I received my replacement card in the mail last week. It's not an account I use often and I was in no hurry to open the mail.

I was paying bills, sorting mail, and all that good stuff, and I decided I would activate my new card. My choices were to call a toll free number or activate online. I chose to call. When I dialed the number I heard a message telling me to "please check the number and dial again." So I did. I checked the number and sure enough, it was the same one on the sticker. So I dialed again and this time, miraculously got through to the computer that would help me activate my card. I followed the prompts, entered the card number and the pound sign, entered the magic code on the back of the card, entered by telephone access code. And I was told that one of these pieces of information was incorrect. So I did the whole thing over again, only to be told, again, that this information was incorrect.

I knew I was inputting the correct information so I decided to go online and try that. I put in all the required information. Online it asked for further clarification of who I was. I dutifully gave the computer everything it asked for and was told I was wrong. Twice.

I have had this account for almost fifteen years. My birthday has not changed. The last four digits of my social have not changed, nor has my account number changed. But apparently the way my brain processed information has changed. I am befuddled. I felt so alone in that moment and I knew my information was correct but I didn't know what to do. So I sat there and allowed myself to cry for exactly one minute.

I enjoyed the crying and the tears. And then I called the bank. My card has been activated and I still have no idea which bit of information the phone and computer were not able to process. But I do know that my brain is working on two different levels. The one that thinks and the one that speaks, types and does all those outward things. Inside I am having a conversation about one thing but outside the conversation is competely different. Interesting! And I hope temporary!

the uncertain is always a bit confusing...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 12:00:00 +0000

This week has been a tough one. I'm pretty sure it's hormone related. But how do you know for sure? I think I have been a slave to my wavering hormones most of my life. Now that I have had my hysterectomy and am not able to take any type of hormones, my body gets to do its own thing....whatever that may be!

Before my surgery I was given progesterone for three days. It did not go well. Let's just say I wouldn't revisit that pill. For anything!

One of my biggest downfalls, faults, whatever you want to call it, is not fully studying or learning the effects all these different hormones play in my body. One doctor told me I should have enough estrogen in me to last a lifetime. I don't know if he was joking or not, and I didn't ask.

But back to this week. I hear insults where I think there may be none. I know I am misinterpreting things a LOT. I cry at the drop of a hat. And if there is any amount of stress attached to any event in my life it is like pulling teeth to get me to do it. It's no secret that I don't love my current job. Today was so bad that I called and said I would be an hour late coming in. On the drive there I started crying uncontrollably and literally got off the freeway, turned around and went home. I had to go in later because I was the only person to cover the shift. I just went in for the last part -- when I absolutely had to be there. I drove into the parking lot and sat in my car and cried. Huge tears streaming down my face for about five minutes. It was all I could do to open the car door and get out. I know this is a huge message and I get it. But it's not so easy at this point and time, for a myriad of reasons. So I do have a plan and I am signing up for a class that will help me change careers. But that's another six months at this job and I don't know if I or my hormones can last that long.

a blessing in disguise?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:31:00 +0000

I have been tracking my hot flashes, rather loosely, but trying to pick up on triggers and such. While the hot flashes are noticeable but bearable, what is really driving me crazy is the memory loss. Take the other day for example: I went upstairs to get X, got upstairs, looked at Y, found Z, and went back downstairs. Remembered X, went back upstairs, found T and W, went back downstairs. I did this five times. In 22 minutes. On the fifth time I wrote down X so I wouldn't forget when I got upstairs. Seriously. But funny, after the fact!

I came across this interesting little ditty today on the SparkPeople.com site:

"Women Don't Notice 40% of Their Hot Flashes
Lack of sleep, causing memory problems, likely culprits in finding," study says

THURSDAY, June 26 (HealthDay News) -- Women tend to miss almost half their menopause-related hot flashes, which are associated with memory problems, according to a University of Illinois at Chicago study that included 29 women with moderate to severe hot flashes.

The women wore monitors that measured skin changes during a hot flash. Both subjective (self-reported) and objective (detected by the monitor) hot flashes were recorded over 24 hours. The average number of objective hot flashes was 19.5 per day, about 40 percent more than were reported by the women.

The researchers also measured the women's memory. Previous research has shown that about 40 percent of middle-aged women report forgetfulness.

'When we looked at the relationship between the hot flashes that the women truly had -- that is, the hot flashes that the monitor picked up -- and memory performance on the cognitive tests, we found a very strong relationship. So, the more true hot flashes a woman had, the worse her memory performance,' lead author Pauline Maki, an associate professor of psychiatry and psychology, said in a prepared statement.

'In other words, the hot flash-memory relationship is not all in a woman"

happiness continues

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:42:00 +0000

I am finding that my hot flashes are a mild inconvenience. I have them for sure, and they can be annoying, horrible, frustrating..... it really depends on where you are. The other day I was trying on clothes. I've gained a little weight. Fifteen pounds. Enough so that I literally had no clothes. One pair of carpi's that were getting a little snug and two shirts that didn't quite cover the weight gain around the middle. My future step daughter said "haven't you worn that shirt three times this week?"

So off to the sale I go. Not wanting to spend a fortune, but I do need to have something to wear. I am trying on clothes and more clothes. I find some pants that are a bit snug, but a nice style, and a shirt that looks okay, may be a good professional shirt for work. So I jaunt out in my try-ons to find a size larger in the pant.

Let me say here that 99% of my clothing is cotton. I don't do polyester well. My body likes to breath under my clothes and even before menopause I did not do well in non-cotton clothing, be it polyester, wool, you name it. So here I am looking for a pair of pants, and anything else that catches my eye. Oh no, here it comes. A hot flash. Not a problem, I think. I've handled them well so far. But no, I'm in polyester and that seems to make it worse. So I am sweating, dripping in fact, the heat is emanating from my face and my body and all I can think is "GET THIS SHIRT OFF ME!" If I didn't have more "insert your own word here" I would have ripped that shirt off my body on the sales floor. It was all I could do to RUN back to the fitting room, get that shirt off my body and breathe!! And then I laughed, a good, healthy, rib-tickling laugh! I guess I just won't look at polyester anymore!

Living With Menopause: Everyday Tips

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:31:00 +0000

It's been a while since my last post. And while every day in life is an adventure I am thoroughly loving life! Several things I have noticed in the past few weeks:

I can't remember anything
I miss the possibility of becoming pregnant (didn't know THAT would happen!)
I feel more myself than ever and more so with each passing day
I love my fiance for understanding that when my "shortness of patience" starts he sees it, recognizes is, and doesn't throw it back at me. (more on this later but it allows me to breath and stop so that I am not going into full fledged "ugly" mode!)
I can't remember anything
I feel free
I am eating healthier than ever in my life, exercising more and GAINING weight. Huh. So when I found this little ditty I was happy to know it's probably not just me.

These tips are nothing new and I've read them all before but somehow I never saw (or it never sank in) that you might actually gain weight. But as always, when you know better you do better. So now my plan of attack will have to include this new knowledge! And off I go.... probably to find more vegetables!

Living With Menopause: Everyday Tips: "Everyday Tips for Living With Menopause

Stay Healthy During Menopause
Menopause usually starts around age 51 but can begin as early as 30 or as late as the mid-50s.

During menopause, estrogen decreases, which can lead to many changes in your body. You may find it harder to fall asleep, or stay asleep. You may be irritable. You may find yourself gaining weight around your waist that is impossible to lose. You may have 'hot flashes,' a warm feeling that spreads up your neck and face.

To stay healthy during this time, the U.S. National Institutes of Health's National Institute on Aging recommends you:

* Eat a healthy diet, with lots of fruits and vegetables.
* Don't smoke.
* Make sure you get enough calcium and Vitamin D.
* Learn what your healthy weight is, and try to stay there.
* Do weight-bearing exercises.

-- Deborah DiSesa Hirsch

Last updated: July 2006"

The Vitamin D Cure

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:53:00 +0000

On Menopause - The Blog, Wendy posted this great article and interview. As someone who cannot currently take HRT I have been putting together my own little health regimen and Vitamin D tends to be at the top of the list from many sources I have found. (Which makes me glad I have been taking it for so long!) Here's a tidbit of good info:

“The Vitamin D Cure” Author Weighs In On the “It” Vitamin Since my blogpost about Vitamin D several months ago, I’ve noticed dozens of articles, research studies and even books about the “sunshine” vitamin. It seems to be the new “it” vitamin that everyone’s talking about. Vitamins A, B and C have had their 15 minutes of fame. Apparently, it’s D’s turn and, as my own physician said to me, “it’s hot.” To find out why, I contacted the leading proponent of Vitamin D, the author of “The Vitamin D Cure,” Dr. James Dowd , a rheumatologist and founder and director of the Arthritis Institute of Michigan. He responded to my questions by email, which I gladly share with you here. First, why is Vitamin D such a hot topic these days? Vitamin D is “hot” because relevant clinical studies have only just been published in the last 5-7 years. Prior to that, all the studies were laboratory research done by Ph.Ds. Books like The Vitamin D Cure and The UV Advantage have also rasied public" Read the full article @ Menopause - The Blog » “The Vitamin D Cure” Author Weighs In On the “It” Vitamin "

Menopause ~ Getting to Know YOU!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:35:00 +0000

I can't imagine that I'm the only one who feels this way but a funny thing happened when I lost my uterus. I found myself. In so many ways I love the new old me. It's as if the me that was always there is finally uncovered, allowed to peek through, to see the light of day. And it's glorious. But more about that later.

Today I am having a tough day. I fell in love last year. Fell deeply in love with a man who deserves a good life. I found that I deserved a good life too. And while I thought I knew what I wanted I am finding surprises around every corner.

For years the older I got the more I was pretty sure I did not want to have children. I felt that it was something I had wanted when I was younger. That I didn't want to spend my older years worrying about my teenagers.

The funny thing is...I woke up the other day and knew that I should have had children. I recognized the fear that had held me back all these years. And I wondered what else I have been afraid of that I haven't been brave enough to see yet.

And as I sleep next to the man I have fallen in love with I grieve for what we will never have.

Hot flashes underreported and linked to forgetfulness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:57:00 +0000

"Hot flashes underreported and linked to forgetfulness

Women in midlife underreport the number of hot flashes that they experience by more than 40 percent, and these hot flashes are linked to poor verbal memory, according to a study by researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

The study is published online and will appear in the September/October issue of the journal Menopause.

It is the first study to explore the relationship between objectively measured hot flashes and memory performance.

Memory complaints are common at midlife, and previous research indicates that" Read the full article...

I found this to be quite fascinating because I have also read recent articles that say memory loss is NOT related to menopause.

I have noticed that some of my hot flashes are so mild I don't recognize them until they are subsiding. But I have also noticed a big increase in memory loss. For example I will be talking to K and I will stop at a word because I just can't remember it. I know what I am talking about, what the subject matter is, even what I am trying to say but literally cannot come up with a word. So I tend to talk around it until I come up with it.

I feel sometimes that it's akin to having a stroke ~ you know what you want to say and can't. It's also like looking in a box: you walk toward and open the box because you know the item you need is in it but when you lift the lid it is empty. You may feel and look around in the box but it's still empty and you are still sure it shouldn't be.

Menopause ~ Day Sixteen

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 18:04:00 +0000

So the first two weeks have been rather effortless. A few mild mood swings, a few moments of wanting the air conditioner turned on. When I went to see the cancer specialist every person who questioned me asked if I was having hot flashes and when I said I wasn't sure, the reply was always "oh, you will know!" The trick in life is knowing and listening to your own body. Over the years I have gotten very good at this. Mostly because my body doesn't do what other people's bodies do. So I feel quite in tune with myself and when I have little rushes throughout my body I have come to learn that is a hot flash. In my case it is very subtle but it is there.

So it's finally here ~ everything you hear about ~ it's starting slowly but surely. I felt a wave of heat creep up the other day and thought, OK, not so bad. Today it is stronger so I know the best is yet to come. I also have not slept for the past two nights. Well, three hours a night, but does that really count? And lying in bed I waffle between feeling icy cold, crawling under the comforter and extremely hot, tossing that comforter right off!

Since my doctor took me off hormones I am researching the best course of action to take. I am continuing my vitamin and supplement regimen and will continue to do so but I will post more info as I find good stuff!

Menopause ~ Day Two

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 May 2008 22:01:00 +0000

Before I went in for my hysterectomy I did quite a bit of online research. I found a lot of technical stuff and an article of interest that talked about how menopause is such a hush-hush topic. It's true. Other than two women I have worked with who would occasionally say "oh, hot flash", no one I know ever really talked about it. At least not in any way that would give us any useful information....and I am a hog for useful information, and some not so useful too, if the truth be known!

Because I like to talk about everything, I don’t quite understand this secretiveness, so I love when I find menopausal musings out there on the web. It’s important to define our own path in life but it’s always fun to see what others are up to, how they cope and what great suggestions they may have. When I find blogs, websites or even articles I will share them here.

And day two? So far so good. I’m a little weepy but I was weepy on HRT, today just a little more so.

Hello Menopause ~ A Brief History

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 May 2008 00:13:00 +0000

I would say I was quite normal, physically, until I was 19. That's when I started having extremely heavy and irregular problems. Let's say I should have invested in the right stock back then -- but I didn't! From 19 to 43 I never had a normal cycle, I was always carrying tampons and overnight pads with me and I felt that there had to be a better way.

For about seventeen years I saw doctor after doctor and had responses that ran the gamut from "it's all in your mind" (would you like to see physical proof??) to "well, there really isn't anything we can do about it." Then one day I was making my annual (ok, sometime bi-annual!) doctors appointment and was told that my doctor (who I didn't really love anyway) was on maternity leave and would I like to see the nurse practitioner. I of course said yes, since over the years I always had a twinge of optimism every time I was able to see a new medical professional. Always that spark of hope that someone would be able to help me.

I went to my appointment and was about to leave when I stopped, sat down, just started bawling and told her about my history and my frustration with everything. She listened, asked a few questions and said "You have PCOS" and promptly sent me for testing to confirm her diagnosis. So now I had at least a reason for everything that was happening, but still no solution.

I went back and forth between acceptance, frustration and being just purely numb. I just started to physically and mentally shut down. I closed myself off to the world slowly but surely and there was no place I would rather be than at home, alone, with the door locked and the phone turned off.

Then at 42 I met the love of my life. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Since I hadn't had to deal with long term birth control for a while we talked about our options and I decided that I didn't want to take the pill, mostly because of my age, so I opted for the IUD. What started as an appointment towards that ended up with so much more.

First they recommended and prescribed progesterone. I didn't know it for several days but it literally made me psychotically paranoid. When the uterine biopsy results came back they took me off progesterone and recommended a D&C and some alternate birth control pills. After two months on the pill I was having uncontrollable bleeding (while taking the pill) -- in other words, the pill was doing nothing to control my cycle, which was the main reason they prescribed it. Which took me back to the doctor, which led me to a gyn. specialist who heard my story, read my records and said “you are having the D&C today.”

The results of the D&C showed four different levels of precancerous growth and after going over all my options my doctor recommended a hysterectomy. After further research and some deep thought I scheduled the operation.

I discussed possible side affects with my doctor. I discussed HRT and natural alternatives with my doctor. The pros outweighed the cons at every turn. I knew for sure that I was making the right decision. I talked to several women who had gone through this and they all said the same thing: You will not believe how good you feel! More about that later, but for now I will say, they were right!

Menopause ~ Day One!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 May 2008 23:44:00 +0000

Yesterday my Doctor told me to stop taking the HRT (hormone replacement therapy). So today is what I am calling my first official day in Menopause. So now what do I do? Do I wait for my body to start sending me signals? Do I run out and buy an air conditioner? Will it even help?

After my hysterectomy ~ in which they removed both my uterus and ovaries ~ I was on HRT. For three weeks. It turns out the precancerous growth they found in my initial D&C, which they thought was contained to a small part of my uterus was actually heavily spread throughout my entire uterus. So when they macerated (sorry, i think that's what the doctor said but i was slowly going into a small shock) my uterus to get it out they could have possibly potentially left some of those precancerous cells behind. Huh.

So I have been instructed to stop taking all hormones all together and "let's see how your body deals with it." Well, before yesterday I was more than prepared to deal with it. But a funny thing happens when someone tells you that you have the "potential" for future cancer. All of a sudden you don't want to have to deal with hot flashes. It just doesn't seem like something I want to do now. Can I go back please? Nope? OK, so instead I am referred to a gyn. cancer specialist. I have a week to write down all the questions I may have and to see how my body does without HRT. What a fun little adventure so far!

If you are told you have precancerous growth please make sure they are taking the right precautions for removing whatever they are going to remove. For whatever reason this did not even cross my mind as I was mulling all the mullables. In between my small moments of “OH CRAP” I know that I will be fine, I will move forward and I will smile when I look back at this time in my life!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 May 2008 03:29:00 +0000

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