photo credit: TRENDscout_

We all have fears that hold us back.  Sometimes fear isn’t the obvious emotion but it is the core form of resistance.  For instance, some people might simply label themselves “risk averse” rather than fearful.  Others might say they just aren’t sure yet and want to wait until they have that “gut feeling”.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t evaluate risk or trust our instincts.  However, we need to be honest if we are withholding from an experience that we truly desire but are afraid to pursue.  So how do we defeat our fears?  Sometimes it’s as simple as reframing our view of a situation but it might take a different approach if reframing isn’t working.

There is no guaranteed formula that works for everyone and the time table can vary depending on the extent of your fear and what you attach to the outcome.  But what if it was easier to push past fear than we think?  What if it were simple?  Here are 3 Simple Steps for Crushing Fear:

1.  TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

It is not possible to conquer a fear as long as you think it is dependent on someone or something else.  If you are afraid to speak in public because of an experience in high school speech class, you can’t expect to hold the inconsiderate members of your class responsible forever.  Instead, you can take responsibility for your role in the outcome and focus on the future.  Your other option is to let one past incident define your future.

2.  FOCUS ON THE “DOING”, NOT THE OUTCOME.

For me, focusing on the outcome is one common way to freeze me in my tracks.  I know there is a lot of evidence that supports visualizing the exact outcome you desire.  However, I can often build an amazing house in my head before I have laid one brick.  The thought of what it will take to reach my destination and all of the potential pitfalls along the way can shift my focus to the fear rather than the appealing final outcome.

Instead, I find that I benefit from just “doing”.  I am an active thinker and visualization is not a problem.  For me to build momentum, I need to take the first step.  Each step then provides the energy I need to carry a task to completion.  The small victories come unexpectedly and encourage me to enjoy the process, the learning and the growth.  Many “successful” endeavors have grown out of a “failed” attempt.  The willingness to explore can conquer the fear of imperfection.

3.  TAKE IT LIGHT

Another step for crushing your fear is to not take yourself so seriously.  Often the outcomes we build up in our head are far more exaggerated than reality.  We often feel that people are watching us so closely that the humiliation of our feared outcome will be overwhelming.  In reality, people are more forgiving of our process than we are and sometimes (and this should be comforting and humbling) they don’t even notice our perceived failures because they are more focused on their own lives.

You are only going to move past fear by taking it head-on.  Relax, understand that you can move forward and take the first step.  In the face of your fear, you can discover your power.  Now go believe in yourself!

photo credit: cdsessums

Here are 6 blog posts that are worth reading this week:

From the always insightful Zen Habits comes The Wastefulness of Decluttering; or How to Make Less Count for More

Kyle Lacy, the author of Twitter Marketing for Dummies, gets back to what really matters…A Beautiful Life

Great tips from Ramit at I Will Teach You To Be Rich on how to raise your hourly rate

The theme of family deserving our attention and representing the true beauty in our life continues over at Man vs Debt with Adam’s post Appreciate

This might not be the cup of tea of anyone reading this blog but I have to include this post.  It is a perfect example of building your business through generosity; give it away and people will value your expertise.  Explore the world of SEO with Rand Fish

In today’s world, solitude doesn’t happen by accident.  This is a wonderful primer on the topic called Solitude: Where Your Life is Waiting

This post is short, sweet and hopefully inspiring and useful.  I have been busy guest posting at Kyle Lacy’s blog and Zen Family Habits and look forward to adding more content soon.

Have an amazing weekend!  Are there any posts that you would like to pass along?  Please leave them in the comments.

photo credit: IntangibleArts

What  Stuart Smalley and Audio Books Didn’t Teach Me About Affirmations

My introduction to affirmations came through Stuart Smalley.  Oddly enough, he was a character on Saturday Night Live portrayed by current United States Senator Al Franken.  Feel free to search YouTube for a video.  Although Stuart was clearly focused on twelve-step programs, the way he affirmed himself was through the phrase “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”.

Some of the skits featuring Smalley are really funny in a dark comedy sort of way.  In addition to a few laughs, the skits also provided me with the idea that people that had to tell themselves these sort of things were a little nuts.  If you look to audio books to solve this problem, you might be disappointed.

Now before anyone gets upset, I think affirmations can be very valuable.  I just don’t think they are always represented in ways that allow someone new to the concept to relate.  If you find an audio book on affirmations, you will probably be listening to a woman with a smoky voice and new age music in the background.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and some people find it very soothing.  For me, I find it hard not to laugh.

Now I might be one of those people that laughed in church or school too often so feel free to disregard my opinion.  I just do not relate to this as something that I can take as truth for my life just because someone else is saying it on my iPod.

So what are affirmations anyway & how can I use them?

An affirmation is simply the assertion that something exists or is true.  People use affirmations about themselves to reinforce or change their thinking.  If you research them, you will notice that people will often attribute spiritual or theological implications to them but I don’t think this is necessary.  Affirmations can be as complicated, mystical, spiritual or theological as you want to make them.

In order to simplify the understanding and use of affirmations, here is my 3-point minimalist guide to affirmations:

1. An Affirmation Is Just A Thought: There is no need to get bogged down here with anything else.  An affirmation is merely an assertion that something exists or is true.  We all have thoughts about what exists or is true, correct?
2. Since You Are Going To Have Thoughts, Make Them Work For You: The more active your mind and self-talk, the more important this point becomes.  Some people are wired with a very active mind and with many thoughts about who they are as a person.  For many different reason, these thoughts don’t always serve who we want to be.  For instance, imagine you have always been called “the shy one” and have never been comfortable meeting new people.  Now you want to change that trait.  Instead of thinking “I am shy”, wouldn’t it help you to begin thinking “I enjoy meeting new people and showing them the real me”?  You will get there eventually so let your thoughts help accelerate your progress.
3. Repetition Aids Belief: A lifetime of being “the shy one” followed by meeting one new person or having one day of different beliefs about yourself will probably not create lasting change.  It’s a great start but not a complete overhaul.  Some people find it effective to repeat the affirmation out loud, write it down, record it and/or commit to using the affirmation for at least a fixed period of time.

Of course there is much more discussion to be had on affirmations but this is a minimalist guide!  Try it out and see what you think.  Oh, and if you are going to listen to recorded affirmations, you might want to record your own voice.

If you liked this post, you might also like 4 Reasons Why Questions Are Better Than Answers.

If you would like to read Part 1 of How to Reinvent Your Career first, click here.

The New Beginning

Herm Edwards, then head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, decided to give Daron a chance.  Edwards brought him into their internship program because of his passion.  He figured anyone turning down the opportunities facing Daron in the legal profession to start over as a coach must have passion.

Through hard work and long hours, Daron proved himself a dedicated and eager pupil.  He decided one sure way to demonstrate to seasoned coaches that he was serious about this new career path was to be the first one in and the last one out.  In a profession notorious for coaches who live in their office and view sleep as something to catch up on during the off season, an air mattress became Daron’s new best friend.  Think of something just short of Wilson the volleyball and Tom Hanks in Cast Away.   Except Daron wasn’t trying to get off of this island, he wanted desperately to stay.

The dedication paid off.  Daron went from intern, to volunteer coaching assistant to defensive quality control assistant.  It was here that his knowledge of coaching began to grow exponentially.  He began breaking down video of upcoming opponents and assisted in developing the playbook.

Never one to simply follow the job description, Daron used Arrowhead Stadium as an archive for his coaching education.  He found playbooks and documents from the last three decades and studied them at night.  He also added to his personal library by carrying a notebook and filling it with the knowledge he gained from experienced coaches on staff.

Gunther Cunningham, one of the coaches most skeptical of Daron from the start, became convinced not only that Daron really did want to coach, but that he was a valuable asset for a defensive coordinator.  When Cunningham was named defensive coordinator of the Detroit Lions, he asked Daron to come with him and serve as the assistant secondary coach.

Reinvent Your Career

So what can the rest of gain from Daron’s experience if we are trying to reinvent our own career?  In addition to inspiration, there are four areas from Daron’s story that we could all use to launch our next endeavor.

1. Do not delay your dream – The idea that retirement is your only chance to have a career that you love will only keep your dreams at bay.  I struggle with balancing my responsibilities and my desire to pursue my dreams as much as anyone.  There are real-life decisions that need to be made and we all sit at the helm of a different boat.  One thing I do know is that none of us are guaranteed having a retirement and life is too short to spend wondering if you could have done more.
2. Aim for the highest level possible – Didn’t you think is was a bold move to write 32 NFL teams and the top 50 Division 1 teams?  But why not pursue your dream that way?  I think we water down our dreams because of fear and self-doubt.  We go half-way and are still left wondering if we could have had our real dream; the one we might be afraid to share out loud.  It doesn’t mean that your dream can’t be to coach your kids’ football team or own a small business instead of a Fortune 500 company.  Aiming for the highest level is in context to your real dream.
3. Remove your safety net – This one can be tough.  Most of us have an elaborate system of safety nets and harnesses that not only keep us from potential harm, but keep us so firmly strapped to the ground that any chance of moving is nearly impossible.  It’s not natural to work without a net or we would do it everyday.  However, understanding your backdoor excuses and eliminating them upfront is a guaranteed way to increase your likelihood of success.
4. Proceed with passion – Having a dream and even receiving a break only get a foot in the door.  Without passion and dedication to seeing the dream fulfilled, we merely get a closer glimpse of what might have been.  Hard work and long hours are always easier if they involve something you love.  However, they still involve sacrifice and commitment.

Open the door for others

Achieving our dreams is generally not done alone.  Many people are involved along the way that offer opportunities, encouragement and community.  Realizing this often leads to the desire to make dream fulfillment possible for others.  In talking to and researching Daron, I learned of a wonderful new organization called 4th and 1.

Daron started 4th and 1 to help reach the young men in the community where he was raised.  Here is their mission:

4th and 1 is a free football camp for high school sophomores from underrepresented groups. It is the only football camp in North America to balance sports training with PSAT prep, professional development, creative workshops, and life skills classes. Our mission is to propel our campers through high school and college by providing individualized athletic, academic and professional skills development.

Watch the video to learn more about this outstanding organization and visit their website for more information or to give your support.

photo credit: farlane

I had the privilege of interviewing Daron Roberts, Assistant Secondary Coach of the Detroit Lions.  Daron has an inspiring story on following your dream, not waiting for retirement to do something you love and giving back.  After Daron’s story, there will be four tips on how to reinvent your career.

The Start

For those of you who don’t know, jobs in the NFL are not easy to come by.  They are particularly scarce if you didn’t play beyond high school, do not have substantial coaching experience, and don’t have family connections.  Did I say “scarce”?  I mean non-existent…unless you are Daron Roberts.

I picked up the conversation with Daron when I asked him about his career path.  He had graduated from the University of Texas and gone on to graduate school at Harvard.  Over the next few years he had the chance to work on Capitol Hill, complete his master’s degree at the Kennedy School of Government and enroll in Harvard Law School.

His law school summers were filled with clerkships in both Washington D.C. and Houston.  However, one summer also included a trip to football camp.  A high school friend who was coaching in Austin asked Daron to come with him to the University of South Carolina football camp.

The Dream

It was at that camp that Daron was able to interact with coaches and gain experience that changed his view of the next steps for his life.  His career path had changed and his dreamed emerged.  When I first read about Daron’s story, I thought a peace of the puzzle might be missing.  How does one football camp change such a promising career path?  I also was not convinced that this was the first time the dream of coaching had come up for Daron.

When we talked, I asked him about this and I think his response is important.  He said that he always thought that he would pursue coaching as a sort of retirement job.  At the conclusion of his legal career, returning to his high school to coach was his dream next step.  Instead of waiting 20 or 30 years to pursue his passion, he decided the time was now.

He spent time picking the brains of numerous coaches and reading about football.  His next step was to write all 32 NFL teams and the top NCAA Division 1 football programs and tell whomever would listen about his interest, his background and his willingness to work for free.  Why not focus on the top opportunities in all of football rather than just any available job?

The Belief

Daron then did something that is very telling about his confidence and his understanding of human nature.  He removed his safety net.  When a law student clerks for a law firm during the summer, that firm becomes their best prospect for future employment.  In fact, if that firm likes the potential of a clerk, they will often make an offer of employment to that student during their final year of law school.  After three years of hard work and expense, that is the best kind of relief a law student can experience.

Knowing this, Daron called back the firms where he had worked and respectfully told them that he had enjoyed his time there and his time as a law student but that he was going to pursue a career as a football coach.  Goodbye safety net.

I asked Daron if he had to fight through any doubts.  He said, “I knew I could coach.”  He felt that he was very thorough and a student of the game.   But he also knew that, having yet to even send his inquiry letters, an offer from a law firm would be too hard to turn down if still had no coaching opportunities.  Removing the safety net required him to be fully committed to his dream and tap into his internal motivation. He also knew that he was too proud to watch his classmates move on to opportunities and not succeed in his pursuit to coach.

The New Beginning

Coming Soon…Part 2 of this story.  To make sure you don’t miss out, subscribe via email or RSS!

I have tossed around the idea of linking to other posts that I find useful.  I don’t think I will post a cool picture because I want it to be obvious that this will link you to the work of someone else.

This post by Sherri at Serene Journey is wonderful, yet simple, advice on how to change something about your life.  For me, following steps often helps shut down the inner chatter of my active mind.  Simply complete step one then move on to step two.

Take a look at the post and Serene Journey when you get a chance.  And for you bloggers reading, please let me know how you link to the work of others.

photo credit: TheTruthAbout…

For those of you that have no issues with or interest in money, “Congratulations!” this post is not for you. The four of you should form some sort of support group. I’m kidding and I want to make it clear that this is not a philosophical post about money. This is a list of blogs that have an interesting take on personal finance, debt, retirement, spending, etc… There should be something here for everyone (except the four of you mentioned above). Let’s get started:

1. Get Rich Slowly – A very popular site by J.D. Roth and his staff of writers covering a variety of topics on personal finance.  Recent posts are as diverse as SEC Proposes New Rules for Target Date Funds to Downshifting: The First Day of the Rest of My Life to Reader Story: Rich Dad Stingy Dad.
2. Man vs Debt – This blog is interesting in concept.  Adam Baker has provided readers with a window into his own financial life and focuses on reducing stuff as well as debt.  The blog seems to have focused more on blogging and creating different income streams.  I happen to find that interesting and since you are reading a blog, so might you.
3. Frugal Dad – I’m not sure that being a dad is an essential part of the blog but there are articles like Children of the Recession: How to Insulate Kids From Financial Fears which, as a dad, I find interesting.  I also liked the frank discussion on the debt snowball.
4. 20 Something Finance – Very cool site with a great design.  This is a great site for the age group of the title.  I am no longer in that group so I will keep my comments short.  Check it out.
5. Bargaineering – I don’t think that is a real word either but it is catchy.  Recent posts have focused a bit on the catastrophic side of things but they are very useful.  See How to Recover From a Stolen Credit Card.
6. Wisebread – Living Large on a Small Budget.  Tons of content!  This site is an awesome resource and covers topics such as career, deals, small business and life hacks.  If you don’t know what a Life Hack is, go ahead and skip 20 Something Finance too.
7. The INC Magazine Blogs – You can only read so much about debt reduction and frugality before you just want to create more wealth.  INC has always been a great resource for that topic and they have some good blog content as well.

Now it’s time for you to add your recommendations in the comments.  And don’t forget to subscribe as well, it’s blog currency!

photo credit: jepoirrier

“Have you gained some weight recently?”  Everyone can think of the guy in their life that is most likely to ask that question.  The guy that talks about how much money he is making in front of a friend that just lost his job.  Or says things in front of kids that make you wonder if he even knows they are present.  That guy does not have a good filter.

Now I am all for constructive honesty.  Sometimes hard things need to be said for the benefit of someone else or simply because the truth is that important.  The filter needs to kick in when you are about to be mean or self-serving.  Sometimes our insecurities cause us to prove how right we are in certain situations.  This usually leads to those arguments where you are left wondering why you even care about the point you just worked so hard to make.  A good filter can stop us short of engaging in those arguments and allow others to have their opinions valued.

Most people have a filter that does a pretty good job with all of the previous examples.  My bigger concern lately is with a filter that keeps us from saying things that would really benefit us and lift up others.  Do you ever fail to compliment someone because it makes you uncomfortable?  Do you withhold saying “I love you” to someone you truly love?  What would you regret not sharing if you never had a chance to share again?

I’m not saying we should all be a constant open book with every feeling that comes our way.  What I am saying is that I know that, at times, my fear of being vulnerable has kept me from sharing things that would only enrich my life and the live of others. Maybe you have felt this as well.

Take a small step this week.  Pick someone you love and tell them “I love you” one extra time.  I bet they will notice.  Say something nice to a stranger.  Tell your child that they are special.  Begin to breakdown the fear filter so that you can share who you are in a way that you could never regret.

photo credit: Jo Jakeman

Change your view

Have you ever wished that you could view a situation differently?  I am always inspired by people who seem to find the silver lining in any situation, even before there is any evidence that there might actually be one.  In hindsight, we often can view a situation that was difficult at the time as something that was clearly to our advantage.  For instance, some people are downsized from a job and find a much more fulfilling career as a result.  They might have never made a change if they hadn’t been downsized and, at the time, it was something very difficult to go through.

The Tool of Reframing

So how do you change your view of a situation without being in some fantasy-land where you are actually happy you hit your thumb with a hammer?  One process is called reframing and Tim Brownson at A Daring Adventure does an excellent job of explaining this concept.

Check out his post:  Name That Frame.

photo credit: quinn.anya

If you are in the midst of changing something about your life, you quickly realize that the easiest path is to fall back to the norm.  The process of reinvention can be difficult and take a lot of effort to form new patterns.  Sometimes the risk seems too great or the reward too small even though we know that achieving this change moves us closer to what we truly desire.

The key is to just keep going. Keep moving through the process of resetting your norm and breaking a pattern that is no longer fulfilling.  I don’t always have the words or thoughts to inspire myself so I look to others.  Here are 10 quotes that I hope will inspire you on your path to reinvention:

People who cannot invent and reinvent themselves must be content with borrowed postures, secondhand ideas, fitting in instead of standing out. Warren G. Bennis

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. C. S. Lewis

Don’t worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition. Abraham Lincoln

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

It always seems impossible until its done. Nelson Mandela

Action is the foundational key to all success. Pablo Picasso

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. Dale Carnegie

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will. Zig Ziglar

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. Walt Disney

What quotes inspire you?