San Diego Therapist Blog: Expert Advice on Building a Healthy Marriage

Single During Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T10:19:00.000-08:00

You saw the future of you two growing old together and living happily ever after....but things have changed drastically. You two just broke up and now you are facing the hardest time of the year single. The holidays are here and your partner is not. People in your life may say, "Happy Thanksgiving" and all you feel is Unhappy during this festive time. What are you thankful for? This question is probably one of the hardest questions to answer when all you can feel is pain.

The mixture of emotions may be keeping you stuck in bed longer and preventing you from eating. As of the next few months, your job is simply to survive the holiday time. Don't expect yourself to be this happy person ready to take on the world and start dating. NO. That isn't where you are. Baby steps are best for the single hood status.

Surround yourself with friends and family to help you move through the day. Focus on your community and remind yourself that others are out there to support you. Don't wait for friends or family to seek you out. Get involved in volunteering if your community support is lacking right now. Alone time when feeling lonely is only going to make things worse.

Learn how to survive your recent breakup. This is going to be a key factor in getting through the holidays. If you need to learn how to survive the breakup, check out my "How to Survive a Breakup" article.

Check out my other articles:
- Newly Single? How to survive the recent breakup
- How to Survive the Holiday as a Couple
- Thanksgiving: What are you Thankful For?
- How to Handle Scrooge During the Holidays

How to Tame your 6 Year Old

2011-01-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

“No!” “Why do I have to go to bed?” “Why can’t I get that toy, momma?” Do any of these statements ring a bell? Being parent is not an easy task, and taming a 6 year old is almost as hard a taming a lion on some days. From fits of not getting their way, to slamming doors when they are told to go to their room, to the silent treatment or shoulder shrug when you ask a question. Don’t we wish there could be some sort of mommy survival guide of how to be a parent? Well now there is! I will give you some resourceful tools of things you can do and say to get your 6 year old to act right…. At least a better portion of the time.

Survival Tool #1: Set Expectations
I can not stress how important it is to set the expectations with any new event, toy, or activity that comes in to your child’s life. For instance, around birthday time your child will get showered with an unprecedented amount of new toys. Once all the new toys have been unwrapped and opened for use, go over the rules with the new toys. Good rule of thumb is setting playtime after their rooms has been picked up, after they get ready and brush their teeth, or maybe even after you have them help you with something. The child needs to know that even though they have new toys, they still need to know that you are the boss and those toys can be taken away in heart beat if they do not follow the rules.

Survival Tool #2: Give Back
Every year thousands of children go without toys, shoes, clothes and blankets. During the holidays and right before birthdays, you and your 6 year old go through all the older toys, etc. Let them help you decide what they are willing to give away to those less fortunate. And explain to them why they are doing this. This will give them a sense of appreciation for those children around that are less fortunate, and it also help you in keeping down the storage of toys not being played with.

Survival Tool #3: Use a Color Code System
Try using a color code system to recap their behavior for the day. Green is good. Yellow is one warning. Blue 2 Warnings. Red is unacceptable and time for an adjustment. At the end of the day go over the color card with your child and discuss the days events. Talk about what smart decisions could have been made to turn it around, if the card was anything other than green. Then reward for the green cards. Put together a reward system in increments on 20 cards. Once they reach 20, do something fun with them, or buy them a cool toy or game. Always remember to reward and reinforce the positive behavior. On the flipside, taking away their most previous things when they are acting up is necessary and expected.

Survival Tool #4: Spend Quality Time Together
Plan your own play dates with your child, just the two of you. You will be surprised how some serious alone time will help with acting out. Sometimes their way of telling you they want to spend time with you, is by acting out, and strange as it may sound. Take them to lunch, or a movie, or a long adventure walk and explore new things. Try to avoid the park on these journeys alone because that will only take away from the two of you really engaging in each other.

Survival Tool #5: Let them Express Themselves
As cliché as it may sound, it is important for your 6 year old to express themselves. Whether it be in their hair style, or the type of clothes they are starting to wear, expressing themselves is part of growing up and feeling comfortable. As long as it is in a healthy format acceptable to you, then let them be. As you watch your child grow you will find they will go in and out of phases quickly, so pick and choose your battles.

We all know parenting is the most difficult and rewarding job there is. To watch your child grow into an amazing human being, is something we all strive for. And while there will be bumps and curves ahead, it will all be worth it in the end. Remember that with these tools, and all the thousands of books that are available on the how-to’s-of-being-a-parent, no way is better than your way. Trust your instincts and always communicate. And you will be just fine.

Surviving the Holidays Single: How to Enjoy the Holidays Single

2010-11-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

Sleigh bells may be ringing, and in the lane snow may be glistening; however, you can NOT seem to get out of your funk. The best and worst thing about being single….is being single. Being single has it’s perks, don’t get me wrong…but being single during the holidays can have it’s horrible down falls.

Contrary to popular belief, the holiday season can be just as rewarding and fulfilling single, as it would be if you were not.

Appreciate What You Have (and what you don’t have):
Let’s take for instance, the simple fact of no arguing! No arguing about who’s parents houses you are going to. No arguing about who’s house do we go to first? Do we skip one parent because they are too far this year? Or do we skip a parent because we have seen them every year prior, and now it’s time to share. As a single person the dilemma of where to go for the holidays simply is not an issue. You can bask in the fact that you make your decisions. You can go home to your family, or go play with your friends. The world is your playground, and the holidays are no time to make the exception.

Don’t Overlook Your Importance: On a deeper level, just because you are single does not mean you are not as important as the mother, or the father that is married with children. Getting together with your family or close friends during the holiday season still remains the same. The true meaning of the holiday spirit lies within yourself. Some may think it’s more materialistic with all the fancy gift giving. Some may think it’s the best time to roll up their sleeves and start baking everything they normally would not bake during the regular season. For others, it’s merely just spending quality time with their family. Engaging in wonderful stories of the past, and discussing what the future holds. Laughing with one another by the fire or Christmas tree while they drink eggnog. Cuddle with their childhood dog or cat when they go home and reminisce of the days when they were young.

Financial Comfort:
Let’s take it to a different step… to the financial side of things. Considering you are one person, you do not have to fret about buying gifts for your in-laws and their entire family. The gift giving stays simple and may grow as your family grows, but more than likely will be considerably less than having your own family.

Building A Stronger You:
Miranda Lambert wrote a song called, “The House that Built Me.” She paints a picture of a young girl going back home to where she grew up. She talks about losing herself in the big world we all live in, and how if she just goes home to remember, it just might ground her yet once again. The holidays are much like Miranda’s song. This is the time for self reflection and realization. A time for giving and forgiving and learning to be forever present. Just because you have not found the right person to walk down the aisle, does not mean you can not enjoy the holiday season. It merely means you should enjoy this time even more, because something truly amazing is in store for you.

Communication Advice: Learning a new Style of Communicating is like driving a Stick Shift Car

2010-11-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

A beginner learning to drive a stick shift car struggles; can’t find the gears, grind the gears a little, and often kill the car over and over. This humiliation and entertainment can be anxiety provoking. Some people at this point get so frustrated and intimidated, they give up learning and go back to what they know….an automatic car. Others get determined and practice over and over…some picking it up quicker than others.

Once the driver gets a hang of the stick shift in the parking lot practice, they venture out onto the long streets with obstacles of stop lights and cars passing by, turning lanes, and the hi speed freeways. The driving isn’t as smooth; it requires much thought and concentration. It isn’t automatic. The thoughts of what gear do I need to shift to, how much gas do I need, and how much do I let off the clutch to make the car move? The ride is all thought and definitely not automatic. It isn’t smooth, but as time passes by, the ride becomes less stressful, the shifting becomes easier, and sooner or later there is no thought at all. At this point, the person can become adventurous and talk on the telephone, have a conversation with the passenger, or even eat some food while driving. The drive then becomes automatic.

I illustrate this story to share with you the driving experience of working with a relationship therapist and the process therapy takes.

Driving a stick shift car is much how the marriage or couples therapy process goes. Therapy starts off discussing new techniques in driving the relationship, such as areas to improve the communication, and open up in different ways. The therapist guides the therapy session and begins to teach the couple how to communicate and resolve issues in a healthier way. The couple ventures out into the isolated parking lot and begins to practice. Put on your seatbelts because it may be an extremely bumpy ride, one that creates high anxiety. They are trying to learn how to drive the stick shift in the relationship, but do not have much experience. The only experience they have is driving an automatic car. They know how to drive; however, the do not know how to change the gears.

Week after week of practicing new ways of communicating, the couple begins to attempt driving on the fast pace streets. It is getting easier, but still takes thought. The continuous thoughts of how to communicate to your partner, the reaction that you want your partner to hear, and so on. Therapy session after therapy session, the couple no longer thinks about the communication style, and it becomes automatic….just like the driving. And for those that get frustrated and intimidated, they might give up and go back to what they know. Relationships can become easy, take less concentration, and be a smooth ride. It takes a good teacher and a good student willing to step out and try something new.

Quick Tips to Decrease Your Jealous Streak in your Relationship

2010-09-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Jealousy can be extremely healthy in a relationship …Yes, you read it right…Jealousy can be extremely healthy in a relationship. The emotion we call jealousy is one of the ways you react to, and show, how important your partner is, express your fear of losing the relationship, or convey the love you have for your partner. It is a natural way of your body confirming the emotional connection and make sure they are still there and haven’t left. These feelings in small doses can be healthy in the relationship.

As you probably know, jealousy can also become fatal to a relationship, destroying it. We’ve all heard of that “jealous ex” whose constant paranoia ruined the relationship. Jealousy can become a trap in relationships by creating an un-healthy downward spiral. When jealousy takes over, arguments arise, and the emotion triggers what you have been trying to avoid…someone ends up leaving.
Here are a few quick tips on decreasing your jealous streak and preventing a relationship disaster:

1. Take inventory: Usually jealousy comes for a reason, often because of a history of being cheated on. Or other times it goes further than that; there may be a history of feeling not wanted or abandoned. Living in a family where you don’t feel wanted or have felt abandoned can send the message that “in relationships, people leave.” Take a deep look and check out the inventory of your relationships you have had in life and see what comes up.

2. Take a look at your reactions: Once you have looked at your inventory, now take a look at how you react. Does your “Hot-woman-in-the-room Radar” go on when you are out with your man? Do you get clingy when your partner is simply hanging out with his buddies? Do you start the investigative questions when he is late? Jealousy comes with good intentions; to keep your partner from leaving. The problem here is that jealous reactions can actually push your partner further and further away.

3. Slow it down: If you step out of the situation and take a deep look at yourself, you probably see that your reactions aren’t appropriate. But in the moment, once emotion gets involved, reactions get triggered quickly and all those thoughts go away. Emotion is impulsive and quick. Your job is to slow it down. Go for a walk, go and write about your emotions, do whatever you have to do to calm your nerves. The slower you get your emotions, the quicker you can understand how to get your partner to pull closer to you, rather than push them away.

4. Get what you want: Now that you are watching your reactions, slowing them down, and taking an inventory, it is now time to get what you want. Ultimately those feelings come up for a reason, so your job is to now try a different way of expressing it to your partner BEFORE you let the jealous feelings take control. Don’t wait for a reason to talk about the jealousy. Bring the issue up in a way that will pull your partner in, not push them away. Tell your partner about your fears of them leaving and that is why you continue to pull at them. Open up the core emotion of fear; tell them you are simply afraid. Collaborate with your partner and ask them to help you figure out how to handle it.

If you are struggling with trust in your jealous streak, click here to learn more about building trust in your relationship.

Relationship Advice: Why do some women tend to keep secrets from their husbands?

2010-09-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

Some women tend to keep secrets from their husbands for a variety of reasons; it could be from intense amounts of shame, to fear of losing the relationship, to past relationship wounds, to the fear of the packed away emotions exploding out and losing control, etc.

Some secrets are buried for good reasons….and keeping that secret hidden, kept inside can create a sense of feeling in control and emotionally safe. These deep, dark buried secrets are scary for many to open up and share the vulnerable issue. It can feel as if they won’t be able to maintain control, and that the over flowing emotions may not ever have an “end” in sight. It can simply be scary to open up, to feel the emotion. Feeling the emotion alone can be terrifying, and the unknown of what could happen if they open up Pandora’s Box…and not ever being able to put it back. Some secrets are only exposed to a specific person, depending on the closeness and emotional security.

If we peel away the layers of human interaction, people ultimately have a need to feel safe and secure with others if they expose a secret, take a risk and get vulnerable with their mate. Safe and secure meaning: the relationship may be at a loss, fear of being judged, attacked, and/or fear being misunderstood. And if a partner does not take the risk to share the personal secret, it is most likely attached to this concept of not feeling safe and secure about the relationship.

The “She Only Wants Me for My Money” Fear

2010-07-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Simply because society has a history of the traditional gender roles of a man “bringing home the bacon,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that you must provide at all times. Times have changed….women now pitch in and sometimes might even take the man out on the date. If you are afraid that she only wants you for your money, stop watching and waiting to see her change. Instead, start a dialogue about your concerns and give her an opportunity to give you clarity. Check-in with your partner. She may not know how this impacts you or your expectations of finances. Take off the pressure of having to pay for everything and find a way for the two of you share some of the daily expenses. Also, take a look within: Is trusting people a common issue for you, or is this something you only have with your partner? Be open to the possibility that she may be in your life for other reasons than simply money.

And for the Partner:
Women shouldn’t assume, nor expect that he will or should pay for all of their daily expenses. Men want to know they are needed beyond their bank account, so don’t mooch off of them! Don’t let your partner feel as if you only want him for his financial support. Offer to pay for daily expenses, occasionally take him out on a date (you paying), bring him gifts, and/or make him dinner. Calm his fears by communicating your appreciation and create a few free dates to take away the pressure of finances. This will help teach him that you see him beyond his wallet.

-------------------------------
Learn about the author Jennine Estes, MFT (MFC#47653) at her San Diego Counseling Website or visit her other relationship blog Relationships In the Raw.

How to Keep My Marriage Alive: A Simple Step to Maintain the Bond

2010-05-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

To keep your marriage alive will require many steps, one of which is to build a solid foundation. Foundations in a relationship is similar to a foundation in a structure. It is solid, strong, and determines the strength of the building. Marriages can't grow off of a foundation that has cracks and uneven. The foundation to a marriage is creating a secure relationship bond with emotional safety. The stronger the bond, the easier it will be to communication, to be intimate, to regain trust, etc.

Here is a simple step to maintain and keep your marriage alive, by one simple step a day.

The Relationship Book
You get to dig up the old foundation and set up a new one. Buy a Notebook and use this pad of paper for the next 30 days to give reassurance, words of encouragement, love, thank yous, etc. Every day you and your partner should add to this booklet by writing messages to one another. Don’t just get a pad of paper that has coffee spilt on it. You don’t want that to represent your new foundation, do you? Get something that you want to represent your relationship, the new chapter of your marriage, the new foundation…with meaning.

How to use this Relationship Book:

Reasons Why I love you
Give reasons to why you love your partner and what makes you tick. Remind them what things you love about them, it could be from the way they brush their teeth in the morning to when they snuggle on the couch with you. Life can get busy and we can overlook sharing why we love our partner. Remind them why. Your partner can't read your mind!

Encouragement
If your partner is about to face a big day at the office, give them words of encouragement, inspiration to get through the day. Often times the simple words of "you can do it" can energize someone to get through a stressful day. Encourage your partner and tell them you believe in them.

Playful
This is the time to be flirty, playful (yet loving), and kinky. Spice up the bond and flirt with your partner, be playful, or draw fun picture. Write a poem or create an invitation to go on a date. Playful and fun is a MUST for building a strong relationship foundation.

Thank You’s
Share what you are thankful for in the relationship. If you notice that your partner made an extra effort today to make the bed or to cook breakfast, thank them. If you see them stepping out of their comfort zone, tell them you notice. Share how your partner's positive steps are impacting you.

Remember When’s
Write down times that you two had a great time and the reasons you felt so close. For example, "Remember when we went on our first date and we didn't eat the food (even though we were hungry) because we were so into one another?" The remember whens bring back good feelings and can influence how you two interact now.
------------------------

Learn about the author Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist MFC#47653. Or read her other relationship blog called Relationships in the Raw.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/samiksha/ / CC BY 2.0

The Couple's Get-Away Retreat in San Diego

2010-04-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

The Couple's Retreat: Real Answers for Real Relationships

Looking to get away? Or simply have a mini stay-cation here in San Diego? I got something that for you! Your relationship retreat where you can grow your relationship, improve your intimacy, and create healthy communication.

This retreat is designed as a unique, one of a kind program in San Diego. This cost effective relationship workshop and retreat allows you to decide how much money and time you want to spend on your relationship. You can simply attend the 4 hour workshop, or make it into a romantic get-away for the entire weekend.

An In Depth 4 Hour Relationship Workshop
Your relationship expert will spend 4 hours delving into what it takes to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. This unique seminar will provide strategies to improve communication, help with heal past wounds, steps to stop the endless fighting, and tools to create a secure emotional bond.

Relationship Package

* 30 Day Challenge to a Stronger Relationship E-book
* Date Night Calendar
* Relationships in the Raw: A CD full of articles on building a successful relationship

Date Night on Us: Bring a change of clothes, "dress to impress," and dress-up after the workshop for your date night.

* Makeup Artist: Get your free session with Tracy Duhs, celebrity and editorial makeup artist, to prepare you for your date. She is also the owner of The Sanctuary Spa in Ocean Beach of San Diego.
* Dinner at the Atoll Restaurant: Located within the Catamaran Spa Resort, the restaurant has beautiful vistas of Mission Bay. You have the option of either sitting inside in the main dining room or out in the open air patio to feel the beautiful ocean breeze of the bay in San Diego. A special menu has been prepared, and you will receive complementary dinner and non-alcoholic beverages. Alcoholic beverages may be purchased seperatley.
* Bahia Bell Cruise on the Bay: The focus of the relationship doesn't end after the workshiop...it continues throughout the night! Bring a change of clothes for a night of dancing, live music/DJ's, and beautiful vistas. A cash bar is available for those wishing to enjoy a class of champagne or cocktail on the cruise. The length of time on the boat is optional and tailored to your desires. Throughout the night the boat ships back and forth from the Bahia Hotel and the Catamaran Resort.

When: May 8th
Cost: only $130 per couple!!
How to Register: Register for Retreat

....................................................................................
Jennine Estes is a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC#47653) in San Diego. She works with couples on building strong relationships and improving their bond. To learn about your San Diego Therapist, visit Jennine's website EstesTherapy.com.

Relationships in the Raw: Jennine's relationship blog addressing relationship concerns, communication tips, and how to break-up proof your relationship. Visit www.RelationshipsInTheRaw.com

Creating a Strong Relationship Foundation: Steps to keep the structure strong

2009-06-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

As we all probably know, houses are built on a strong foundation, with a structure built on top of it. Buildings stand tall and maintain structure through the stress of natural events of mother earth. Without the foundation, a house will fall, lose it shape, and basically be useless. This concept is the same for couples. Relationships need a strong foundation while going through the natural stressors, such as financial tension, disagreements, external pressures, etc. Foundations need to be strong, without cracks, and with a solid and secure area. Take a look at your relationship foundation. Is your structure built on a solid connection, or is it uneven, cracking, and falling apart? Focus on rebuilding your relationship through connection, trust, and communication.

Here are a few things that can help build a strong foundation in your relationship:

Tighten up the connection: House structures aren’t held together through tape, nor should a relationship. Tighten up the connection through showing your partner that you are there, connecting, hugging, kissing, and showing affection. Greet your partner with a kiss, leave with hug, say hi with a touch, etc.

Strengthen the Trust: Show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you also are willing to trust. You might not be able to change your partner, but you can influence them by your behavior. Take a look at the message you send to your partner about how much you trust them, along with your behaviors being trustworthy.

Communicate your side: Don’t just talk, communicate. Talking gets us no-where. But communicating is about letting your partner see the underlying stuff, the real stuff. Why not step out and show your partner what is really going on. Learn to detect your reactions and slow them down. Get to know what you feel, and then share it with your partner in a more productive way.

Looking for Marriage Therapy in San Diego, Jennine E. Estes provides individual and couples therapy. She helps couples build healthy communication and improve how they handle conflict.

Visit Jennine’s main Relationship Column called Relationships in the Raw. Here you will find more relationship advice and tips.

2009-04-28T09:43:00.001-07:00

Do you have a secret? Something that no one else knows about, but it helps you get through the day...yet hurts you too? You aren't alone...

Creating a Successful New Year’s Resolutions that lasts!

2009-01-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

Creating a New Year’s Resolutions is to help people improve life; such as losing weight, decreasing spending, improving health, creating stronger business, etc. A frequent problem is that people start off strong; working diligently day in and day out, and have it as an extreme focus. It lasts for a good few days or months, but quickly dwindles down to nothing. This is the “Yo-Yo Resolution;” starting from one extreme (all-in) to the other extreme (all-out).

A popular resolution is dieting: healthy eating becomes an extreme, rigid eating habits and workout routines. The workouts go from once a month to 5 times a week. The body goes into shell shock because of drastic change. The extremes actually cause an opposite effect and ultimately only lasts a temporary. Instead of creating a “yo-yo New Years Resolution,” create a long term change and make it a life style change without the extremes. Make it less rigid so you won’t jump ship.

If you live in San Diego and want help making a long term life style change, schedule a therapy appointment today.

Sexually or Emotionally: Two different languages of connecting (San Diego Therapy)

2008-12-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

No matter how good the communication is in a relationship, it might not be all that makes the relationship function. One of the strongest and most valuable aspects in a relationship is the feeling securely attached to your partner. A secure attachment gives comfort, creates a sense of security, and provides closeness. There are two ways people feel connected and attached to their partner: sexual/physically or emotionally.

Let’s take a look at the emotionally and physically connecting partners:
Emotionally Connecting Partner: This partner often feels comforted and attached to their partner by connecting through lengthy conversations, small-talk throughout the day, sending text messages and IM’s, being involved in activities together, and spending time focused on one another. The acts of doing and talking together can create a sense of closeness and more secure of an attachment.

Physically Connecting Partner: This partner often feels comfort and attached to their partner by having hugs from their partner, small kisses throughout the day, frequent sexual connections, and time sitting next to one another while focused on other items. This type of attachment may have little to do with verbal communication…and more to do with physical interactions….and they possibly might even enjoy solitude once in a while to rejuvenate and be more available for their partner.

With two different attachment styles, it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care when they aren’t connecting in the way you like it. The emotionally connecting partner might pursue for the attention and to create an attachment; however, it might feel like smothering. Or the physically connecting partner might appear as if they don’t care about what their partner is saying and only wants to connect physically. Basically, both styles have great ways to connecting, yet it might send the wrong message.

Take a look at you and your partner’s connecting styles. Try to notice how your partner tries to connect with you in their style. Make an effort to connect with your partner in their connecting language. And don’t forget to express your needs lovingly to your partner and share how you would like to connect.

Another Article that might be helpful: Increasing Intimacy with your Partner

The “Don’t wait…” Relationship Tip (San Diego Couples Therapy)

2008-10-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

Often people don’t express how they feel about someone…and wait until a terminal illness or accident. Family and friends come together tight and express their love when tragedy hits. Relationships unite and love is expressed. But why does it take a tragedy to hit in order to share how you feel?

Share your love for your partner, family, and friends now… don’t wait. Live today as if you won’t see people tomorrow…especially in your relationship.

Married to a Sex Addict: Steps to Take back your life

2008-10-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

Many people may jokingly toss around the word “sex addict” as a way to say that they really really really enjoy sex. True addiction is nothing to joke about, and sexual addiction can ruin marriages and lives. In Sexual addiction, the sexual behaviors become problematic and extreme within the relationship or for the individual. Sexual addiction can involve compulsive behaviors, such as the use internet pornography, online chat rooms, one night stands, massage parlors, fetishes, fantasy/role playing, compulsive money spending, and more.

There are hundreds of people out there suffering… married or committed to a partner struggling with a sexual addition. It can be a lonely place…with no one to talk to, a fear of others judging, or a feelings of shame about the relationship. Sex addicts often live “two lives”: the life that everyone sees is the active husband, the hard worker, the interactive father, and church-going man. However, the other life…the not talked about, has a dark and secretive side. The side that no-one sees, the side you might see once in a while, and worried about, thinking about, and fearful about when the next acting out behavior will be. If this is something you are living with…you aren’t alone.

Here are a few tips on getting your life back on track when in a relationship with a sex addict:
1. Remember, it has nothing to do with you! Being involved with a partner suffering with sexual addiction causes an emotional rollercoaster for the partner. You might feel ashamed or demoralized. You may have difficulty trusting and fear for the relationship. A common feeling for those in the relationship is feeling responsible, not good enough, and self evaluating. Asking “What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough for my partner?” Once again, it has nothing to do with you!

2. Seek professional help: Addiction is addiction. Start couples therapy to help learn how to build a healthier relationship and recover together. Individual counseling might help for you to decide what you want…and then stick to it. Also, get educated about what you can and cannot do to rebuild the relationship. Dr. Patrick Carnes is a prolific author who gives great advice for both the partner and for the addict.

3. Rebuild Sexuality: Learn what is healthy sex. Sex experiences can be extremely skewed when having an intimate relationship with someone who suffers from a sexual addiction. If you have become indoctrinated into sexual roles which seems abnormal, re-educate yourself as to your needs and desires.

4. Get educated on sexual addiction. There are many books on sexual addiction and how to handle having a partner with sexual addition. (Check out my sexual addiction resources page for specific tools to help you take back your life).

5. Set boundaries and follow through. Sex addicts have difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Teach your partner what is acceptable in the relationship and what is not. Then, it is your job to keep strong to what you say and follow through.

Relationships after Iraq: Keeping the War out of your Relationship

2008-09-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Military relationships often come with extra strains; frequent good-byes, unexpected moves, endless waiting lists for housing, and the fearful, yet honoring deployments to defend the country by going to war.

Fighting for our country is courageous and rewarding, yet life changing. Those who go to war face a tremendous about of trauma; they see things more devastating than others can ever imagine, fear most of us can’t ever understand, and the untold horror of losing friends to war.

The partners left behind face their own troubled times when a solder is at war. The fear of losing a partner, to the anxiety from wondering if their ok; from loneliness because of no contact, to the pain of seeing friends enjoying their loved ones can all cause a slow buildup of stress and resentment.

Finally… good news…he is back at home, away from Iraq…but also bad news…things just don’t seem to be the same.

I will walk you through a few quick tips on how to keep Iraq from controlling your relationship when you are finally able to enjoy the companionship of your partner.

When in combat, the body goes into “survival mode”…disconnecting from emotion and “auto-pilot” kicks in…fighting to stay alive. He or she might have dreams that haunt them, feelings of anxiety and irritability at night, flash backs, feelings of remorse and guilt, etc. Some of these symptoms are known as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a frequent diagnosis for trauma survivors, such as that seen in veterans returning from war. Get educated on PTSD and the impact it has on your partner. The more education, the better understanding you will have. It might keep you from personalizing his seemingly distant or disconnected behaviors.

You might want to be there for your partner, support him or her, and help them through the recovery phase, but he or she might not be ready to talk about what happened, or know how to talk about. Don’t push or pull them into talking about it. Give them time. Their time frame might be very different than yours. Give your partner as much time as he needs.

In the past she or he might have been your rock, but now things have changed. It is your turn to be the rock and give support. Battle is complete chaos. Your partner needs to be able to lean on you and depend on your stability. Help your partner stand and get through this recovery.

The after math of returning to home and getting into the routine of American life can cause those buried emotions to come out…or should I say “attempt” to come out. The body naturally wants to release the emotion, and if it can’t come out in a healthy way, it will find its own way out. Some of the ways it might come out is through anger out-bursts, night mares, etc. Or those emotions come up all at once and become too painful, therefore your partner resorting to “self-medicating” behaviors such as increase drinking, drug use, or emotionally distancing. Does any of this sound familiar?

All of these unhealthy behaviors are indicators of emotional distress coming out. While this is not an excuse for his behavior, it can help you understand your partner better. S/He has seen something more devastating than you can ever imagine. Seek professional help before things get worse. Make an appointment for couples therapist, encourage him to get help through support groups, medication, 12-step groups, and/or individual counseling.

War is an experience that is life changing. Learn that s/he won’t be back to the old ways, but you can cherish and love who your partner is now and adjust to the new person. Often we might wish for the “old” relationship. But that is unrealistic. Remember...the relationship can’t go back, but it can go forward.

Increase your Intimacy

2008-08-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

Intimacy isn't just sex, it is the time spent together.

Make a date together and spend a day in bed with your partner.

Watch movies, have candles lit, eat breakfast/lunch/dinner in bed, and connect. Focus one day on your relationship and you will notice a difference in your connection.

If you would like to increase your romance, visit my Relationship site to schedule an appointment.

From Single to Hitched: Tips to help make the adjustment to the marriage

2008-08-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when you were free to spend your money and time in whatever way you wanted. You could buy as many shoes, purses, or outfits without having to check in with anyone. You could go out all hours of the night, be spontaneous, and hang out with your friends any day of the week. Those were the days where freedom was your choice and your time frame fit your life style….no one elses. Single days allowed you to make single decisions.

Things have drastically changed….from single to hitched. Life now requires a huge adjustment for the independent lady. Choices are now made as a team.

Being hitched can be satisfying and comforting. Great to have a partner, but a new requirement to make a mental shift, a life style change, and a different type of independence. The adjustment from total “I” thinking… “What do I want to do, where do I want to go, what do I need in my day, and how do I want to spend my money?” To a relationship with “we” thinking… “What do we want for dinner, how are we going to spend our money, how do we want to decorate.” Does this sound familiar?

Hold tight…the adjustment might take time. Life used to be all about you…and with little compromise. Now, a new world of compromise has entered. With a little work, however, you can have your cake and eat it too.

Here are a few tips that can help you adjust to the couple-hood lifestyle:

1. Learn how to compromise. Determine what is important to you and what isn’t. Find a middle ground. Not everything needs to be your way. Pick and choose what matters and find a happy medium. If you like things one way, evaluate and see if it is a “must have” or simply a “would like.” Pick your battles.

2. Find a balance. Find a balance in social life and partner life. It is ok to have “fun” time alone with your friends, but remember to have “fun” time with your partner as well.

3. Work as a Team. When times get rough open up a dialogue with your partner and problem solve as a team, instead of waiting and butting heads when it becomes a bigger issue.

4. Talk, talk, talk. Don’t forget to talk with your partner on his expectations and his needs. Also be sure to communicate your needs and desires.

5. Create a strategy plan with finances. If you are used to specific spending habit, discuss your expectations, needs, and wants; then create a budget where you both feel on the same page. Finances don’t have to end in war.

6. Shift your thoughts. Create a new habit of “we” thinking and schedule in the “we” times and the “me” times. Take a look….which one out weighs the other? If you are noticing that “me” times are more often than “we” times, it might be time to readjust your schedule. The “we” times are significant for connecting in the relationship, however, “me” times are also important.

7. Work with your schedule. Make lunch dates with your friends so you can continue to be social, yet have time for your relationship still at night. Marriage is not independence, but it also shouldn’t be a jail. Shift your priority and keep your marriage first, friendships and work second (yet still a priority!).

8. Set boundaries with the “work you.” You may work to make money and succeed, but it might feel to your partner as if you don’t care. Actions speak louder than words. Show your partner with action and spend time with them. Set boundaries with work. Show partner he is first, while you also have work priorities that need to be included.

If this was helpful, you might also like my article about Improve Intimacy.

New! Take a Peak of my New Blog...."Relationships in the Raw"

2008-06-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

Get this widget!