• Preschoolers with actively involved fathers have stronger verbal skills.
  Radin, N., 1982, “Primary Caregiving and Role-Sharing Fathers,” in Non- Traditional Families: Parenting and Child Development, edited by M. Lamb, Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum, pp. 173–204.

• Children with actively involved fathers display less behavior problems in school.
  Amato, P.R., and Rivera, F., 1999, “Paternal Involvement and Children’s Behavior Problems,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 375–384.

• When non-custodial fathers are highly involved with their children’s learning, the children are more likely to get A’s at all grade levels.
  National Center for Education Statistics. October 1997. Fathers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools; National Household Education Survey. NCES 98-091R2. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education.

Even fathers who are divorced and don’t live with their children but maintain an active part in their life can have a positive and lasting effect on their kids. The key message is that whether you are a traditional dad (married and live in the same home with your kids), stepdad, or single non-custodial dad – the most important thing you can do with your kids is to spend time with them.

With that in mind, this week’s blog focuses on 10 fun activities that dads can do with their children:

1. Plan a picnic. Most kids love to be outside during Spring and Summer, so instead of dinner around the table, pack some finger friendly foods and take dinner to the park.  Your kids are sure to love spending time with their dad and enjoying an unconventional dinner!

2.  Take each of your kids “on a date”.  Your children will cherish one-on-one time! Set aside some time specifically for a “date” with each of your children individually. Allow them to choose the activity, and go make some memories.

3.  Visit a museum.  Does your city have a children’s museum? A science museum? Exploring museums are a fun way to learn history and science, and will really engage your kids in some great conversation.

4.  Fly a kite.  What kid doesn’t like to fly a kite? It’s one of those simple activities that you may not think about, but will be a big hit with your children.

5. Geocaching.  Geocaching isn’t new, but you may not have heard of it.  It’s a free real-world outdoor treasure hunt. Players try to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, using a smartphone or GPS and can then share their experiences online.  A great place to learn about and find a geocaching map in your area is http://www.geocaching.com/

6. Weekend breakfast.  Get up on Saturday morning and take the kids to breakfast. Indulge in chocolate chip pancakes or some other fun breakfast foods that seem like a decadent treat for your kids.

7. Paint your own pottery. Your artsy kids will love this activity! There are shops you can go to pick out your own pottery – maybe a coffee mug, bowl, vase, or whatever. You can sit down and paint your pottery, then the shop will fire it for you, then you take it home and use it. Hint: this makes a great “date” activity with your kids!

8. Build a fort.  I’m sure as a dad you’ve build plenty of forts when you were a kid. Just in case you’ve forgotten how fun it is, you can use tables, blankets and big cardboard boxes. Let your child’s imagination be your guide and embark on some exciting adventures.

9. Go roller skating. Roller skating was a hot activity when we were kids, and there are still some roller rinks around.  Maybe your kids have never even been on roller skates, but chances are they’ll love it!

10. Make a photo scrapbook.  Use a digital camera to capture your child’s favorite things, whether around the house, or around your neighborhood and city. Take pictures of meaningful things in their lives, then print them out and place them in a dated scrapbook. Don’t forget to take photos of each other and photos of you together!

Hopefully these ideas help you figure out some fun ways to spend time with your children this week.  In the end, your children won’t remember how much money you spent on them, but they will remember the happy memories you made with them.

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It primarily arises as a result of a parent excessively criticizing the other and talking to the child about the details of the conflict between the parents. Let’s look at the ways to recognize and effectively deal with this problem.

What exactly is Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Parental Alienation Syndrome is identified by certain “symptoms” in the child. Primarily, he or she will have no interest in a relationship and will refuse to communicate with or visit the targeted parent. The child will usually excessively criticize the parent despite having no compelling reasons.

Meanwhile, the alienating parent might be idealized. Children with this syndrome might also express a complete lack of gratitude for any gifts, payments, or affection from the other parent. This behavior can extend to the parent’s extended family as well.

What can both parents do to prevent and cope with Parental Alienation Syndrome? Parental Alienation Syndrome can be caused either deliberately or inadvertently by a parent’s actions and comments. Fortunately, there are a variety of ways that parents can avoid and deal with this syndrome when it arises. Here are a few ideas that you might consider:

1) Always maintain a positive relationship with the child—The alienated parent will typically have had a healthy relationship with the child in the past. It is important to be patient and to continue a positive relationship as much as possible because any negativity might only cause further harm.

2) Cooperate with the other parent—It is true that children are influenced by the actions of the parents as much as their spoken comments. The parents should always maintain respect and cooperation with one another as an example to the child.

3) Avoid excessively criticizing the other parent in front of the child or while the child is listening—Although this is often difficult in a divorce, it is important that the parents do not communicate dislike for one another or blame the other for any problems around the child.

4) Avoid making children aware of legal issues or financial problems—It is typically not necessary for children to be aware of the details of the conflict between the parents.

5) Remind the child of the other parent’s good traits—Both parents should consider reminding the child that the other parent cares for him or her. The child can be made aware of the parent’s good character traits.

6) Encourage the child to contact the parent’s extended family—The exclusion often extends to the other parent’s relatives as well. If they had a healthy relationship with each other previously, the child should be encouraged to renew contact with their relatives.

What doesn’t work when facing Parental Alienation Syndrome?  The knee jerk reaction for many parents facing PA is to try to rationalize with the child or with the alienating parent, or both. However, this is typically completely ineffective and often gives both the child and the other parent fuel to say “see, he/she is confrontational and impossible to deal with.”

Parental alienation is a horrible experience for a parent that loves their child.  Many parents who have to deal with parental alienation syndrome struggle with strong feelings of hurt and anger – and that is totally normal!  It’s best to seek help and take the high road, utilizing the tips we’ve outlined above.

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Blended families can bring joy and can actually be a lot of fun, but can also be a source of frustration and unhappiness. And, unfortunately, the joy and happiness quite often doesn’t just “happen”.  It has to be worked on – a lot.

Most people do actually want to be good stepparents.  After all, if there is tension and unhappiness between you and your stepchild, that is obviously going to affect your relationship with your new spouse.  But sometimes people just don’t know where to start.

With that in mind, here are 5 great tips on how to become a better stepparent:

1. Don’t force the relationship.  It may take time for your stepchildren to warm up to you.  Don’t expect too much too fast.  Even if you’ve know them for awhile prior to your marriage, living together brings a whole new level to the relationship.

Make it known to them by your actions that you want to develop a relationship with them, but let it develop at their pace.

2.  Speak well of your spouse’s ex.  One of the quickest ways to hurt the developing relationship with your stepchildren is to bash their absent parent (your spouse’s ex) either directly or in an overheard conversation.

If conflict arises between your spouse and their ex, you should make a concerted effort to stay neutral, especially in front of the children.  This can be very hard to do if your new spouse has a contentious relationship with their ex, but is extremely critical to your budding relationship with your stepchildren.

3.  Allow your stepchildren to talk openly.  This includes letting them speak openly about their absent parent, and what they do when they’re away from you, including experiences with their other parent.  Also, allow them to reminisce about old times when their parents were still married. Those memories don’t just go away, and they may want to talk about fun times or cherished memories.

Also, give them the opportunity to voice frustration or concerns about the new living arrangements and don’t take anything personally. This level of change is hard for children and teenagers!

4.  Be your stepchild’s advocate.  Consider your role as somewhat of a mentor. Encourage them in their activities and plans, and make every effort attend all sports events, school plays, or anything else that they invite you to.

5.  Set expectations and boundaries.  Most children, especially young children, appreciate routine.  New living arrangements can be unsettling and scary when there is no “norm”.  So take time to discuss, as a family, what the expectations and boundaries are for the blended family.

Chores, curfews, homework, etc. are all topics that should be discussed and the expectations and boundries made clear.  It’s also important to approach this together with your spouse, so it is clear you are a team and not one person is in control of enforcing the “rules”.

Expecting courtesy and respect from your stepchildren is completely acceptable and should be communicated as a clear expectation.  It can be easy to let this slide because the stepchildren may be angry about their parents’ divorce, but certainly don’t let them trample your feelings or treat you with disrespect.

Approach these situations with love and acceptance, and in time they will hopefully become more comfortable with the transition and their new blended family.

Children can often feel discarded and overlooked during a divorce, and in a new blended family. Utilizing the above tips will definitely put your new blended family on the fast track to happiness all around.

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Sadly, these statistics reveal unfortunate effects, which we’ve discussed before on this blog.  Children who grow up without a father or a positive male role model in their lives are more likely to be involved in criminal activity, premarital sexual activity, and do poorer in school.

On the other hand, the involvement of a father or positive male role model has significant effects on children.  A healthy father-child relationship increases a child’s physical well-being, perceptual ability and ability to relate to others. These children also demonstrate a greater ability to take initiative and demonstrate self-control.

If you are a divorced dad, it can especially challenging to stay engaged and nurture a strong relationship with your children. You might wonder what the most important things are that you should be role-modeling for your kids, or you may just wonder how to be the best dad you can be. Well, you’ve come to the right place! We’re going to share with you five very important ways to be a great dad:

1.  Show love.  For some men, it’s easy to show emotions. For some men, it’s not so easy.  Demonstrating love is incredibly important for dads to do, but it’s not all about pampering your kids.  Choosing to express your love through enabling them to be responsible individuals prepares your kids for life.

 Think of the Chinese proverb “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”  It’s the same with your children – coaching them through hard times, in a supportive, positive manner, instead of removing obstacles from their path is a strong expression of love.

2.  Don’t forget the tender moments.  There is always a place for hugs and kisses in a father/child relationship.  Along with helping your children grow into responsible young people, don’t overlook the affection and tender moments. Children respond best with a good mix of both!

3.  Love your children’s mother.  This one is probably the most difficult for divorced dads, but demonstrating and role-modeling respect and love for your ex has an incredibly positive effect on your children, since they learn about love from how you love.

Before you protest too much, “love” in this instance would be demonstrated by being respectful, civil, and communicating in a positive fashion with each other.

Yes, it involves a bit of personal sacrifice if you’ve been through a bitter divorce, but this is about putting your feelings aside for the benefit of the children!

4.  Support your children’s role models.  Children typically grow up around other adults who influence their lives:  coaches, teachers, parents of their friends, neighbors or scout leaders.  Supporting those relationships and not being jealous of them creates a healthy, positive environment for your children to learn from other adults.  At the same time, it’s a parent’s role to protect them from the not-so-good role models!

5.  Spend quality time.  No amount of money or toys can replace the quality time that a father spends with his children.  You cannot buy your children’s love, nor can you show you how much you love them through the money you spend on them.

If you have more than one child, spend time together as a family, but also make time for a “date night” with each of your kids.  Chances are they will love the individual attention and it enables you some time to really connect and bond with each child.

Being a divorced dad can be challenging, but you can also enjoy a great relationship with your children.  By following these tips, you can be a great role-model for your children, and be a great dad at the same time.

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Susan Heitler, PhD and author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two, has a theoretical model for how depression forms in a marriage.  “Interactions in which one partner takes a dominant and the other a one-down or submissive role are likely to trigger depression in the partner who feels the lessor power or victim role.” (Heitler, 1990). Her theory was recently confirmed by research on marriage and depression by B. Fink and A. Shapiro.

Here are the top 9 research findings on marriage and depression:

#1: Marriage problems definitely play a significant role in the development of depression.

#2:  Married couples who fight a lot, or have a lot of tension in their marriage are 10 to 25 times more likely to experience depression than single people or people in happy marriages.

#3:  Depression treatment for one spouse alone is unlikely to be effective if the marital tension and fighting remains high.

#4:  50% of women taking one particular anti-depressant medication reported that marital conflict and unhappiness were the main contributors of their feelings of depression.

#5:  People whose marriages improved also experienced a decrease in their depression symptoms.

#6:  Women who took antidepressant medication and experienced an improvement in their mood found that the depression returned quickly if the marriage problems continued, despite the continued use of the medication.

#7:  Marriage conflict and unhappiness typically occur before the onset of depression symptoms.

#8.  Depression symptoms continue as long as the marital conflict continues.

#9:  People who use coping skills such as drinking, distancing, venting, or avoiding each other are all the more likely to experience depression.

These are interesting findings that confirm what many have suspected for quite some time.  The good news is, though, that effective problem-solving in response to marital conflict can greatly increase the emotional state of people experiencing depression.

Many couples who committed to a marriage communication skills program gained better communication and conflict resolution skills, which helped them regain their connection and changed the direction of their marriage.

The couples who had success shared specific attribute as well:  both spouses were committed to the process and genuinely wanted to remedy their skills deficit in communication and conflict resolution.  These couples did so with the help of a professional marriage therapist.

So, even if your marriage is troubled, it is possible to turn it around if your troubles are due to lack of communication and conflict resolution skills.  It’s important to realize that and take action before it’s too late.

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(Source:  Marriage: For Better or For Worse)

We are, of course, jesting a bit.  Many people have great relationships with their in-laws!  But, not everyone is so lucky.  In fact, Deanna Brann, Ph.D., a leading expert on mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships and author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along with Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law, says that three out of four marriages are impacted by problematic in-law relationships.

It is true; in-laws can make or break a marriage.  Many times, it seems the mother-in-law is the source of friction between the younger married couple (though not always).  Specifically, we have heard of many instances when the mother-in-law is controlling, and the husbands were overly attached to their mothers.  Not surprisingly, these marriages often ended in divorce.

On the one hand, married couples want to be a cohesive unit.  But on the other hand, family ties are crucially important from a support standpoint, and family is often a source of guidance and love.  It is those same family relationships that require a delicate balance with the marital unit.

If you are serious about having a healthy, strong marriage, we highly suggest that you also work to develop and maintain a cordial (if nothing else) relationship with your in-laws. Here are our five secrets to getting along with your in-laws.

1.  Set boundaries.  You, as a couple, must have boundaries that you agree upon together. What is acceptable and welcomed input from both sets of in-laws, and how you will handle the situation if the boundaries are over-stepped.  Setting the boundaries and sticking to them are critically important to keeping a damper on resentment that can arise if in-laws are consistently allowed to over-step the boundaries.

2.  Establish Expectations.  Expectations go hand-in-hand with boundaries. Expectations are necessary so things don’t become a free-for-all. Consider setting expectations for holidays, birthday gift-giving, house visits, and frequency of contact.  Once again, you and your spouse must be clear and agree upon the expectations that are communicated.

3.  Have Respect.  We know your in-laws are not perfect…but let’s face it…neither are you.  Nobody is perfect!  The point is that regardless of their flaws and attitude, they are your spouse’s parents and at least deserve some respect for raising the person who you now love and cherish enough to have married.

4.  Maintain a sense of humor.  Humor can make even the worst situation seem at least slightly better,  much better, or at least not so bad.  And, the ability to laugh at oneself goes hand-in-hand with maintaining a sense of humor.  So next time something your mother-in-law does something that makes you crazy, try finding the humor in it and tuck it away for a good story at a later time.

5.  Don’t take things personally.  This one is much easier said than done, we know.  Sometimes those snarky comments from your mother-in-law seem like a jab right at you.  However, it’s important to remember that your in-law’s attitude may not actually have anything to do with you. It’s quite possible there are many other factors that are driving the snarkiness, such as fear, insecurity, and doubt.  All which have to do with themselves and their relationships, and nothing to do with you.  That’s why we suggest you don’t take these things personally, even if it seems the barbs are aimed directly at you!

It’s definitely a two-way street. You may find it difficult to develop and maintain a good relationship with your in-laws if they just don’t cooperate or extend respect and courtesy to you and your spouse.  Respect is the cornerstone of all relationships!  Putting forth the effort to develop the relationship can pay off in spades, though.  Your in-laws can be a great source of support, love and guidance throughout your marriage.

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Secret #1:  Make time to be intimate.  Often times people feel too tired or too busy to spend intimate time together. Many times, it’s just people’s priorities being out of whack.  Barbara says “ If you wish to stay connected and happy in your marriage, my advice to you is to never be too tired or too busy to feel love for your partner. When your life is nearly over, you will regret it if you look back and recall too many nights when you made excuses instead of making love.”

Secret #2:  Think before you speak.  Sometimes when couples are bickering, it can escalate, leading to anger and harsh words.  Sometimes just stopping and acknowledging your feelings can help change the course of the argument.  Says Barbara, “Try saying something conciliatory like, ‘I don’t know why this is making me so upset, but it is, so can you just humor me and help me get over it?’ By simply admitting you are losing your cool, you may find that the anger quickly dissipates.”

Secret #3:  Greet your partner with love daily.  Barbara’s sound advice on this secret says it all. “When your sweetheart comes into the room, whether it’s just from taking care of some chores in the garage or from a long day at work, your job is to put down whatever you’re doing, look him in the eye, and verbally express your delight at seeing him again. It’s really so little to ask, and delivers so much — to both of you.”

Secret #4:  Quit making excuses to have an affair.  Many people end up having affairs because their needs aren’t being met by their spouse.  Perhaps they feel like they don’t get enough attention, sex or time from their spouse.  Barbara offers some fresh, though-provoking words in regards to those excuses.  “Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage.”

Secret #5:  Romance shouldn’t end with the arrival of parenthood.  Many parents, especially new parents, don’t have much time for romance, and rightly so!  However, Barbara says is quality not quantity that matters, and that creativity goes a long ways!  “…when the baby is napping, throw a blanket on the living room floor, slice some peaches or plums or whatever you have in the house, pour a glass of something bubbly, and enjoy a mini picnic. Write love notes to each other and slip them in between the clean diapers.”

Secret #6:  Be truthful when it comes to money.  Money is always a hot issue in marriage…that’s why it’s usually at the top of the list when it comes to reasons couples divorce.  Barbara is adamant about being truthful in regards to your money situation and not keeping financial secrets from your partner.  Says she, “Doesn’t that sound scary? I am sure it does, but as with so many unpleasant things that only get bigger and stronger in the dark, these secrets have a funny way of shrinking in the light of the truth. And as they get smaller, your stress and worry will fly away. There’s never a better time to be honest with your partner and yourself and make a plan for dealing with your debts and your excess spending — together. I promise, you will not regret it.”

Secret #7:  Don’t take your partner for granted.  Many peoples don’t even realize they are taking their partner for granted! It’s something that just kind of slowly develops over time, if you’re not careful.  Barbara says, “I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it’s understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out…”  Stay present for your spouse and don’t let life disengage you from them!

Secret #8:  Leave the past in the past.  You know how it goes – during a particularly heated argument, either you or your spouse brings up an issue from the past to be rehashed. And that typically always leads to an even larger fight.  Barbara says just don’t do it. “The most important lesson I can teach you from our happy marriage is that we did not rehash. If something was unpleasant, we got through it, handled the fallout, and did not bring it up again in happy times. So we both knew that once a problem was solved, that was it — we would not have to answer for it again, at least not in its current form.”

Secret #9:  Control your anger.  It’s so easy to say things we don’t mean during the heat of an argument. Usually people who do this end up regretting it – either immediately or when they cool down.  We can’t take our words back, and apologies only go so far.  So, it’s wise to find a way to get your anger under control so you don’t say something you’ll regret later. Here’s how Barbara handles those moments. “For myself, I simply run through my mind a short movie of how foolishly I have been acting. You may have better luck singing a silly song, or patting your head while rubbing your tummy, or doing whatever little trick helps bring you outside of yourself long enough to regain control”.

We thoroughly enjoyed reading Barbara’s marriage advice, and we hope you did too!  For more information on marriage, divorce, relationships and parenting, please Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter!

Studies also show that couples who have been married for 40 years or longer have the highest rate of marital satisfaction. You don’t have to wait that long, though, to be happily married.  The first several years can be hard, but as you adjust to the normalcies of your married relationship, you can find marital happiness much sooner if don’t make these common mistakes of newlyweds.

1.  Avoiding financial discussions.  Money issues are one of, if not THE top reason that couples get divorced.  Rightly so, because money is a difficult subject to talk about, especially if you and your spouse have different views about money.  With that in mind, don’t put off discussing money!

Putting together a financial plan or budget that you both agree on, especially if you have debt, can be a great way to reduce the stress that comes along with your newly joint financial situation.

2.  Sweating the small stuff.  You’ve heard the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Well, that saying applies especially to married couples!  Every married couple has fights over silly stuff, but if you continually fight over the petty, minor issues such as leaving dirty laundry on the floor instead of in the hamper, you’ll probably find that you spend too much time arguing with your spouse and not enjoying your newly married life!  Do yourself and your marriage a favor, and don’t make an issue over the small irritants. Save your arguments for the stuff that really matters!

3.  Starting off on the wrong foot with the in-laws.  Some studies have shown that nearly 50% of people have problems with their in-laws.  Unfortunately, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can lead to having major issues in your marriage. We suggest that you do everything you can to establish or repair your relationship with the in-laws, even if you feel they are the ones “in the wrong”.  Because in the end, your spouse is the one who feels caught in the middle, and hurt feelings for both of you will occur if you can’t be on civil grounds with your in-laws.

4.  Not enough sex.  This one may be hard to believe, but even newlyweds can fall into a sexual rut. The key to this one is to make time for intimacy. Everyone has busy schedules, but don’t let intimacy fall by the wayside.  This is an especially important factor for men. Men report having the most unhappiness about their sex life with their spouse, and many men need intimacy to connect with their spouse.

5.  Losing yourself in the relationship.  When you get married, it can be easy to give up all those activities you enjoyed when you were single. Whether it’s a girls night out or a favorite hobby such as biking, don’t give up what you love and don’t give up spending time with your friends just because you’re married. Of course, it’s important to strike a balance. But having alone time as well as time away from your spouse with friends will contribute not only to your overall mental health, but to the health of your relationship.  As the saying goes “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Even if you’re not a newlywed, you can implement these tips in your marriage. Making positive changes and steps in the right direction can truly alter the course of your marriage!

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The reasons behind a midlife crisis are very different for men versus women.  Men will typically experience a midlife crisis because they become afraid. Afraid of:

• Aging – specifically the changes associated with aging
• Becoming ill
• Not achieving the goals they had set
• Dying

Women, on the other hand, typically experience a midlife crisis for a few different reasons.

• They reach their 40s or 50s, and realize they now have opportunities to do things in life that they were unable to do when they were raising a family.  The children are now usually grown and she is experiencing freedom not felt for quite some time.
• Alternatively, biological changes, namely menopause, can trigger a midlife crisis.  Menopause for women has psychological effects too that can cause depression, and trigger thoughts of disappointment associated with how she has lived her life and where she currently is in her life.

Midlife crisis can often lead to divorce, mostly because people are trying to flee their problems, and end up having affairs, turning to alcohol and partying, or other destructive habits and addictions. There are positive ways to handle a midlife crisis though, and here is a list of things to do that you might find helpful:

• Get a physical checkup. You should definitely speak with your doctor, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman.  Physical causes can be either identified or eliminated, and your doctor can talk through a treatment plan that is right for your symptoms.
• Feel free to make changes. Positive changes, that is!  If you realize your true desire is to travel the world, open your own business, etc. talk it over with your spouse and identify what is practical and achievable. The key is to talk it over with someone you trust before making major decisions.
• Set new goals.  Midlife is a good time to assess your goals, and revise accordingly. Not achieving goals should not be looked at as failure, but instead as an opportunity to reassess, revise, and plan a new path.
• Don’t give in to fear.  Men especially tend to experience fear during a midlife crisis, and it can be overwhelming. It can be hard, but don’t panic and allow anxiety to take over. That often leads to bad decisions, based on emotions, that you will likely regret later.
• Speak with a therapist. By all means, don’t be embarrassed to speak with a marriage and family therapist. Talking through your feelings and emotions can help you sort through them, and put you on a positive path to solving your midlife crisis.  Alternatively, stuffing your feelings is a surefire way to head towards divorce.

Recognizing the signs of a midlife crisis and making a conscious effort to take positive steps in dealing with it will help ensure that your midlife crisis doesn’t lead to divorce!

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In this blog, we’re talking about the times when you are just unhappy in your marriage and thinking about divorce.   There are more reasons than we can list as to why people become unhappy in their marriage, and it’s always a good idea to spend some time and think through it carefully before you decide to pursue a divorce with your spouse.  You can do this alone, or with your spouse – whatever is best for your particular situation.

1.  What is motivating you?  It’s helpful to assess what is truly motivating you to consider divorce. Maybe you think that divorcing your spouse will make you happy, or maybe you have met someone else that you feel you are meant to be with.  Sometimes people think that threatening divorce will make their spouse treat them better.  In truth, most people carry a lot of their baggage with them after divorce, meaning that those issues don’t go away, but reappear in another relationship.

If what you really desire is a change in the dynamics between you and your spouse, divorce is probably not the answer for you; you might want to consider marriage counseling or some form of individual therapy to really get to the root issues.

2.  Do you still have feelings for your spouse?  People in troubled marriages will frequently encounter feelings of powerlessness or frustration, which results in a large ‘gap’ between them and their spouse and feelings of being disconnected from their spouse. If you have feelings of love and affection for your spouse, but are simply frustrated with your marriage, it’s definitely a good idea to consider working on the relationship before turning to divorce.

You might also want to think about what things used to be like between you and your spouse.  Has your marriage felt like a mistake from the start? Or were you and your spouse once happy and close?  These are very different situations that could have very different outcomes.

3.  Do you just need a break?  Life moves at a break-neck speed these days for many people, and juggling a career, kids, bills, extending family and trying to maintain a strong marriage can lead to exhaustion! If this sounds like you, and you feel like you just can’t maintain your marriage, perhaps consider a short (or long!) break, either by yourself or with your spouse.

Some people find that simply getting away by themselves for a few days enables them to clear their head, get some rest, and assess their life and marriage with a more even view.  Or alternatively, maybe you and your spouse might want to get away together without the kids. Sometimes getting out of the rut of everyday life can rekindle the spark and get you started down the right track again.

Another very common thing that happens to married couples who just need a break is that they start thinking ‘the grass is always greener’.  Other couples’ marriages may seem perfect, or maybe you start comparing your spouse to someone else.  This is a dangerous trap to fall into, and it’s important to realize that you truly cannot compare your marriage or your spouse with another. Everybody is different but everyone has faults and makes mistakes.

4.  Is this an emotional reaction?  It’s very common for couples to consider divorce after a time of conflict or emotional turmoil.  We highly recommend that you don’t make any decisions immediately after an emotionally tumultuous time.  Those decisions can frequently be led by feelings, and that won’t solve your problems.  It’s much better to step back and let the emotions settle, and reassess at a time when you can think more objectively.

5. Have  you considered the consequences of divorce?  It’s easy to get caught up in the daydreams and ‘grass is always greener’ scenario that we talked about above.  The reality is that divorce is painful and hurts, no matter what the situation.  It splits families apart and can sometimes mean a loss of dreams and goals.  Paying the bills might become a challenge, and most people experience a loss in the lifestyle that they had when married and experience strong feelings of loneliness.

We’re definitely not trying to talk you out of divorce, because it may be appropriate and the best option for your situation. What we hope to have accomplished with this post is to get you thinking about your motives and reasons as to why you’re considering divorce, along with the realities that occur after a divorce.

The answers to these questions may not come easy for you either, and may take weeks or months for you to answer and decide if your relationship is worth saving.  But it’s much better to have a full understanding of yourself and your relationship before starting down the road of divorce. It’s much easier to repair your marriage before, rather than after divorce proceedings have started.

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