Share the costs.  Summer camps, sports lessons, and extracurricular/social activities during the summer can be a large financial burden for one parent to share.  Talk to your spouse about splitting the costs, or determine a budget that you can both afford and then schedule your children’s activities accordingly. Try to avoid telling the kids that “Mom can’t afford it so you can’t do it”.  Instead say “Your father and I can’t afford that activity this summer”. This eliminates the risk of alienating one parent for a child’s missed activity.

Let the kids have input.  Children usually do better with routine and structure, so try to have your plans for the summer made in advance, and consider letting your children have input into them.  Talk to the children about how they would like to spend the summer. For example, if you’re considering going somewhere on a summer vacation, first ask them if that is something they would like to do. You might be surprised, some kids may want to just stay in town and play soccer with their friends. If you do decide to take a trip, garner their input on where they would like to go. This will avoid sulky children on an expensive holiday and will ensure that the whole family is excited about the trip.

Make and share plans with your Ex as soon as possible.  When it comes to planning the summer holiday, try to have the discussion with your Ex several months in advance to avoid any overlapping plans. Family reunions, graduations, and trips are often planned quite a bit in advance and the dates either cannot be changed or are very difficult to change. Planning ahead with your Ex helps ensure the children enjoy these events and hopefully helps avoid any arguing or other hurtful behavior that the children may be subject to if there are overlapping schedule issues.

Be supportive.  Spending good quality time with both parents is important for children, therefore it’s in your children’s best interest for you to support their time with the other parent. If you will be traveling with the kids on a summer vacation, make sure you have your Ex’s contact information and try to schedule time for them to communicate regularly, whether by phone email, or Skype. If the other parent doesn’t see the children very often, talk with them about your children’s abilities and preferences, so their experience together is safe and fun.

Be understanding. Some children may experience stress or have a tough time adjusting to the different routine of the summer holiday.  They may miss the other parent, or be sad at times when they are with you. As parents, when that happens, we should offer comfort and understanding.  Both parents should try to prepare their children for time away from the other parent. Reassure them about the time away, and don’t forget to pack items of comfort, whether it’s a stuffed animal, favorite toys, or a photo of you.

Though the summer holiday can require some additional planning and work, it can also be a time that you create special memories that will last forever. Cooperating and co-parenting with your ex-spouse can help ensure that the holiday is a fun time for the whole family.

1. Criticism. Criticism is essentially stating your complaint as an attack on the other person.  Criticism though is far from helpful in an argument with your spouse. It fuels the fire and escalates the conflict.  By criticizing your spouse in an argument, it essentially tells them “As far as I can tell, I’m close to perfect but you are defective”.
2. Contempt. Dr. Gottman calls contempt “sulfuric acid for love”, and says that contempt is actually the best predictor of divorce. Why is contempt so damaging?  Well, contempt is disrespectful, and portrays an air of superiority to your spouse. Interestingly enough, contempt has physical repercussions; it actually erodes the immune system. Dr. John Gottman says it’s a predictor about how many infectious illnesses someone on the receiving end of contempt will have in the next 4 years.
3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is toxic in a relationship because it is essentially a means of not taking responsibility for a problem. Defensiveness really gets in the way of a couple’s ability to solve a problem together, which is what you really should be trying to do in an argument or disagreement. Devising a solution to a problem that is acceptable for both spouses is really the ultimate goal of an argument; it should not be about winning, or shaming your spouse. Those tactics are just not productive!
4. The Silent Treatment.  People who use the silent treatment tactic are usually trying to not make things worse. Interestingly enough, there seems to be a gender correlation with the silent treatment. Dr. Gottman’s study showed that 85% of spouses who used the silent treatment were men. However, just like with the other negative tactics, this one usually makes things worse, and escalates the argument, specifically if the person on the receiving end of the silent treatment is the wife.  Women want to be heard, and if they are getting the silent treatment from their husband, often feel like their feelings are not being heard.

Dr. Gottman talks about these four negative patterns that predict divorce on the Anderson Cooper show, and it’s very interesting to watch. If you are interested in seeing the video recap from the show, you can find them on Anderson Cooper’s website at this link.

Limit the children’s exposure to conflict and hostility. Whether they visibly show it or not, badmouthing your Ex in front of your kids will tear them apart.  The same goes for burdening them with your relationship problems or making them feel “put in the middle”.  We don’t mean to sound harsh, but these problems are yours to deal with, not theirs! Don’t forget they are just children, even if they are teenagers.

Maintain their relationship with both parents. Your child loves you both, and it is in their best interest to spend time and keep their relationships with both parents, unless there is some sort of abusive situation being addressed.

Protect them from hurtful information.  Divorces can definitely bring out the worst in people’s behavior, but your children don’t need to hear about it. Be careful about apologizing for the other parent as well, as this implies a negative judgment on your part.

Keep them informed of things that affect them.  If you’re planning to move, get remarried, or undergo any other major life change, informing your children ahead of time will give them time to process the information and help the adjustment period.

Maintain firm limits and boundaries.  Sometimes parents’ guilt regarding their divorce tempts them to let things slide in regards to behavior, chores, homework, etc.  Your children, though, need to see that not everything is changing. They need to know that your expectations for them do not change, even though many things in their life may be changing.

Have patience.  Chances are that you are likely struggling emotionally as well during this difficult time, and patience may be hard to come by. Try to remember, though, that your children didn’t choose this situation, and they may feel like things are completely out of their control (which they are).  This means they will need your love and support to work through any control issues that may arise during this emotional transitional time.

Let them be children. More than ever, cherish your time with your children, have fun, and continue to do the fun things they love to do. Explore some new activities, develop new traditions, and maybe even encourage them to choose some new activities or places visit.  Both you and your children will benefit from playful activities and fun times!

We hope these tips help. As always, feel free to contact us if you have any questions. We are here to help!

Regardless of gender, though, there are some things you can do that will help you bounce back financially after a divorce.

Educate yourself on your investments, insurance, and retirement planning. In many situations, the primary breadwinner focuses on the “financial big picture”, which usually means investments, 401ks, and retirement plans.  The other spouse may be responsible for bills or knowledgeable about bank accounts, but tends to not know as much about the financial big picture.  Unfortunately, that means they usually suffer most financially, so it’s important to get up to speed quickly after divorce and have a plan.

Establish personal credit and check your credit report.  Many couples have joint credit cards and bank accounts when they are married, which is fine. However, depending on what age you were when you got married, and how long you’ve been married, you may not have a strong personal credit history, so it will be important to establish and build credit in your own name after you are divorced.

In addition, it is important for everyone to check their credit report to ensure that their debt has been divided and allocated correctly by creditors, in line with the divorce settlement. If there are any mistakes, it’s critical to rectify these as soon as possible.

Create a realistic budget. In many cases, it is difficult, if not impossible for divorcing spouses to maintain two separate homes and keep the same standard of living that they had before. Therefore, it can be extremely helpful to create a budget that tracks a detailed list of expenses, including rent/mortgage, food, car payments, utility bills, credit card payments, etc. It’s also important to factor in any transitional expenses, if one spouse will be returning to school or taking any type of training to return to the workforce. Lastly, don’t forget to include saving as an item in your budget, which we will talk about next.

Build up a savings account.  Building up a short-term savings account is important, as well as saving for the future. And by the future, of course we mean retirement.  Many people have no retirement savings after a divorce, or a severely depleted retirement plan after divorce, so it’s a good idea to get started right away after divorce – it’s never too late to start saving! In regards to short-term savings, or “emergency savings” accounts, most financial experts will say individuals should have a cash savings that equals at least 3-6 months of income. That can terribly intimidating for a lot of folks, but a good budget can help you build up to that figure.

Separate completely financially.  It’s always surprising how many folks leave loose ends financially after a divorce.  Close the joint credit cards, transfer car titles/registrations, and any other assets that you may have acquired from the divorce settlement. Change the home and auto insurance policies, and update wills, health insurance plans, life insurance, and any financial beneficiary information for your investments.

We understand this all may sound overwhelming, and seems like a lot of work. To avoid being financially crippled, though, it’s important to plan, be proactive and realistic, and take steps to securing your financial future. We can recommend financial professionals if you need assistance – don’t hesitate to call us if you’re feeling like you need help with these steps!

Disclaimer – The materials contained in this blog have been prepared for informational purposes only. The information contained is general in nature, and may not apply to particular factual or legal   circumstances. In any event, the materials do not constitute legal advice or opinions and should not be relied up on as such.

Custodial parents who are considering a move, whether to another city or another state, must seek approval from the court by filing a move-away petition in order to comply with the law.  Typically, California family court judges do allow custodial parents to move to a new location if they have a good reason to move, such as a job offer. However, judges have been known to deny a relocation request if the non-custodial parent is able to prove that the move would have a detrimental effect on their parent-child relationship. And, if the courts suspect that the move has been initiated in order to limit or deprive the non-custodial parent of his or her visitation rights, they will quickly deny a relocation request, even if it is driven by a legitimate job offer.

Some of the factors the court will consider in determining whether to modify custody include:

• The reason for the move
• The distance of the move
• The age of the child and their relationship with both parents
• The child’s wishes and interest  in the current custody arrangement, if they are old enough to make their wishes known
• The parents’ relationship with each other, including their ability to communicate and cooperate with one another and their willingness to put the child’s interests first
• The current custody agreement and impact on the non-custodial parent

A relocation is also an opportunity for the non-custodial parent to request a change to the custody agreement.  California state courts recognize relocation as a significant change in circumstances that may necessitate a modification of the custody order.  If the court does not find sufficient evidence to modify the custody order, they may still allow modification to the visitation agreement and award greater contact to the non-custodial parent.  The courts will often require the custodial parent who is moving to pay for the transportation cost of the children when visiting the non-custodial parent.  It’s also common to see the courts grant the non-custodial parent larger blocks of uninterrupted visitation, to ensure the child maintains approximately the same visitation time, even though it may not be as frequent.

The bottom line is if you are the primary custodial parent and are seeking to move, be prepared to show the court how the benefits of relocating outweigh the benefits of not moving. If you are seeking to prevent your children from being moved, you must contest the proposed change as soon as you become aware of it. That’s when it’s time to call us.  With our superior experience and commitment to our clients, our success rates are second to none.

Disclaimer – The materials contained in this blog have been prepared for informational purposes only. The information contained is general in nature, and may not apply to particular factual or legal   circumstances. In any event, the materials do not constitute legal advice or opinions and should not be relied up on as such.

When it comes to debt and divorce, there are basically two forms of debt that the courts typically look at: living expenses and community property.

Living expenses are pretty self-explainable – mortgage or rent, groceries, utilities, your cable or cell phone, and other, similar expenses that are regularly occurring, day-to-day expenses. Community property pretty much encompasses everything else.  For example, if you’re using a credit card to pay for groceries, gas and cable, that debt is considering living expenses. However, if you and your spouse used a credit card to pay for a new television, or perhaps new appliances, that is considered community property.

In California, and other community property states, the courts see the debt that’s accrued over the course of the marriage as the responsibility of both parties. So if you and your spouse bought a boat for $25,000, and you still owe $20,000 on it, then both parties split that $20,000 debt evenly.

But what if the husband secretly bought that boat with a credit card that was in his name only and the wife, whose name wasn’t on the card, had no idea that her husband bought a boat? Unfortunately for the uniformed spouse, in a community property state she still owes $10,000.

It’s also important to note that in a community property state, before a divorce is final, the debt that your spouse incurs during that timeframe is still yours. If you’re stuck with an ex-spouse’s debt that’s crippling your life, and you don’t feel you have any other options, bankruptcy may be a path for you. We are not recommending that, and it’s definitely not an appealing option, but it does make it possible to “divorce” your spouses’s debt, since bankruptcy discharges most of what you owe.

Most financial experts will tell you that if you’re going to have to declare bankruptcy, it’s better to do it jointly, before you end the marriage, simply because if you’re trying to make a clean break, it’s much harder to do so if you’re carrying a large amount of debt that you accumulated during your marriage.

Finally, keep in mind that if your spouse declares bankruptcy and you don’t, you’ll still be on the hook for all the debt you two accumulated during the marriage. Creditors unfortunately don’t care which partner racked up the debt or whether the other spouse knew about it, they just want to be paid back.

(Source: Divorce and Debt, What You Owe and What You Don’t)

Disclaimer – The materials contained in this blog have been prepared for informational purposes only. The information contained is general in nature, and may not apply to particular factual or legal   circumstances. In any event, the materials do not constitute legal advice or opinions and should not be relied up on as such.

You’ve probably seen the latest research on declining divorce rates over the last 30 years, and though they are still high, the divorce rate has declined especially among couples with college degrees.  We used to think that all marriages were good,” says Deb Carr, a sociologist at Rutgers University. “Today, there tends to be evidence that a good marriage is good for your health and longevity, but not necessarily for people who are in difficult marriages.”

Carr also explains that divorce is typically bad for health and happiness, but not always. We used to think that all marriages were good. Today, there tends to be evidence that a good marriage is good for your health and longevity, but not necessarily for people who are in difficult marriages.”

Gender differences regarding divorce are clear.  Women tend to deal with divorce better than men do, but men are much more likely to remarry and regain the benefits of marriage.   Single women seem to be better at taking care of themselves, while unmarried men are more likely to have bad health habits than married men.

While it’s difficult to protect yourself from being harmed by the divorce experience to some degree, there are steps that can be taken to lessen the effects:

1.   Reduce stress through exercise.  Why?  This is the #1 thing that people can do to lessen the negative emotional and physical effects from a divorce.  There are many ways to reduce stress, but exercise plays a critical role in reducing stress. Yoga and meditation are effectiveactivities that can provide enormous relief to stressed individuals.
2. Rebuild social connections.  Interestingly, women typically have larger social networks than men, and their networks are not as shattered when they experience divorce.  Having a support network to talk to though, is critical for both genders.  Carr says “They should be playing ball with their buddies; they should be having lunch with their girlfriends, they should be talking with their mother.”  People who don’t have a strong network of friends and family can turn to organizations such as church, book clubs, volunteering, or even exercise classes to build social connections.
3. Continue to live your life.  Though you may sometimes feel like your life has ended after a divorce, you of course logically know that life goes on.  That’s why it’s important for people to have a continuing sense of personal growth. Carr says “Learning new things, engaging in new activities, and joining new social groups are all considered really protective” and healthy behaviors. “Any sense of mastery is really good for a sense of well-being.”
4. Think about the gender based skills you lack.  Often times this is an opportunity to learn new skills.  Taking the time to learn about the roles that were traditionally played by your spouse, whether it was paying bills, taking care of finances, or caring for your children, can really help you cope with the difficult changes and adjustments that come from divorce.

Increased life expectancy seems to contribute to people’s desire to “get on with their lives”¸including a greater willingness to end a bad marriage.  “Our healthy life expectancy is getting higher and higher,” Carr says. “Why are you going to spend it in a compromised marriage?” People today are much more likely to say, “I have time left, and I’m not going to spend my time in a marriage that is difficult.”

(Source: How to Protect Yourself from Bad Break-Ups: Stressful marriages, divorce, and the death of a spouse can have devastating impacts, chicagotribune.com)

Property Settlements:  The good news about property settlements is that the IRS doesn’t consider the transfer of assets between divorcing spouses a taxable event.  However, selling property, whether it’s the marital residence, mutual funds, artwork, retirement funds, etc. can get tricky when it comes to tax implications. Some assets (like a mortgage) involve tax liabilities and some don’t, so it’s very important that you understand the tax implications of each type of asset before you agree to anything. Many unsuspecting spouses have subjected themselves to a gigantic tax bill unknowingly!

Child Support Payments:  Contrary to what some divorcing couples have heard or think, child support payments are NOT deductible from your personal income taxes.  Child support is not considered taxable income by the IRS.  Many divorcing spouses feel this is unfair, but the IRS makes the rules, and we just follow them, right?!

Child Exemptions:  Another topic related to children is who gets the tax exemption and tax benefits pertaining to the children.  Generally the exemption goes to the parent who has custody, however this can be (and often is) negotiated if you and your ex-spouse have joint physical custody.

Alimony/Spousal Support:  Spousal support, or alimony, is treated as taxable income to the recipient, by the IRS, and can be deducted by the person paying the spousal support.  It should also be noted that both spouses must also file separate tax returns as a prerequisite to alimony arrangements.  Also, if you’re thinking about disguising property settlement or child support money as alimony (and trying to deduct it) think again.  This will quickly trigger an investigation by the IRS!

Head of Household Status:  Who gets to claim the Head of Household status on their taxes is often a point of contention and discussion among divorcing spouses.  Again, to be considered “Head of Household” you need to file separate tax returns, and you and your spouse cannot have lived together at any time during the last 6 months of the tax year in question.  It is worth noting that you can claim Head of Household even if your ex-spouse has claimed the tax exemption for your children, though they need to have lived with you for more than six months of the year.

We hope we’ve answered your frequently asked questions about the tax implications of divorce.  As discussed, it can be quite complex (and confusing) so we definitely recommend working with a qualified professional accountant or CPA who can provide you the latest up to date information on the IRS rules and guidelines.

Disclaimer – The materials contained in this blog have been prepared for informational purposes only. The information contained is general in nature, and may not apply to particular factual or legal   circumstances. In any event, the materials do not constitute legal advice or opinions and should not be relied up on as such.

(Source: The Tax Implications of Divorce, turbotax.intuit.com)

Many times a couple’s retirement accounts are the largest asset of the divorce, and oftentimes the retirement accounts are the couple’s ONLY big financial asset.  That being said, it is critical that the QDRO is painstakingly detailed.  If it’s not, and is vague or mishandled, the results can be devastating.  Take this as an example: a wife and husband were in mediation in the summer of 2008, and they had a 401(k) with $100,000 in it. And what they meant to do was divide that account in half—where each spouse receives 50%—and adjust the account for earnings and losses from the day the two made this deal until the day it actually gets done.  But let’s say what was written in the agreement says, “The wife gets $50,000,” which at the time was half of the assets.  Several months later, after the market collapsed, that would take on a whole new meaning and open up a whole new argument. The wife would say: “It says right here: I get $50,000.” And the husband would say: “Well, I didn’t say you get 100% of the account; that’s the whole value of the account now.”

We often get asked when the details of a QDRO should be negotiated.  Legally, there is no mandate as to when that should happen, but the sooner the better, and normally a QDRO is filled out or filed right after the divorce is complete.  QDROs can be shockingly complicated; it’s an order that has to be entered by the court and approved by the retirement plans involved.  That’s why if you are involved in a divorce that has retirement plans which will need to be split up, it’s important that you work with an attorney that is knowledgeable and experienced in working with QDROs.

One last tip we have for you is to familiarize and educate yourself on the basics of your retirement plan.  Know the difference between a qualified and nonqualified plan, and what you have.  This is important information to have, because qualified plans, such as a 401(k)s and traditional pensions, fall under federal regulations and can be divided between spouses by means of a QDRO.  Nonqualified plans aren’t subject to the same federal regulations, and aren’t subject to QDRO rules.

If you have any questions regarding QDROs, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. We’re here to help!

Disclaimer – The materials contained in this blog have been prepared for informational purposes only. The information contained is general in nature, and may not apply to particular factual or legal   circumstances. In any event, the materials do not constitute legal advice or opinions and should not be relied up on as such.

(Source: Splitting Up Nest Eggs, wjs.com)

Many people have questions about how the custody of their pets is determined.  In California (and most states), the family law system provides few options for divorcing pet owners.  While the law regarding human children is intended to protect the best interests of children in divorce and thus provides for shared custody and support, there is no such law for pets.  Pets are considered personal property.  Though most courts don’t make a distinction between the family pet and the furniture when splitting up marital assets, some see change on the horizon.

Some divorce attorneys are saying that judges seem to be giving pets greater consideration under the law, considering them part of the family rather than a possession.  However, at this point in time, most courts reject any notion of the “best interest” model, meaning they will not consider what is in the best interest of the pet, as they would with a human child.  There are occasional cases, such as Juelfs v. Gough, 41 P.3d 593 (Alaska 2002). In this case, the Alaska Supreme Court upheld the award of sole custody of the family’s Labrador retriever to the husband because the wife’s other dogs threatened the Labrador’s life. Thus, it was determined that the dog was not safe at the wife’s residence. Id. at 595.

That being said, we advise divorcing couples with pets to craft their agreement for custody and visitation out of court.  It can be difficult, during a painful divorce, to approach the topic with common sense and thoughtful discussion, but ultimately, as with children, it’s always best to think about what is in the best interest of the pet.  Here are a few things you might want to consider when discussing the topic of your pet’s custody arrangements:

• Is there a child involved? In some cases, it might be best to keep the pet with the child.
• If one person is keeping the family home, consider whether it might be best for the animal to stay where it has previously lived.
• Is one person home more than the other? Work and travel schedules should be considered, so the pet is not home alone or boarded when they could be cared for at home by the other partner.

Sometimes, shared custody might make sense, where both people get some time with the pet.  Many couples who decide the best option is shared custody, find that things run more smoothly if they have a written agreement that addresses: everyday care, vacation and holiday schedules, travel arrangements, doggie daycare, boarding, food, treats, grooming, vet care, moving and end-of-life decisions. They split costs of pet supplies and sometimes buy two of each for items such as leashes, food bowls, and toys, so those items don’t have to be transported when the pet switches homes.

It’s good to remember that compromise, in divorce, is usually the best way to approach sensitive topics such a pet custody.  We hope we have given you some insight and tips on the topic of pet custody.