The Alpha Bitch

2011-04-07T03:44:00.017-04:00

It’s hard to be a female in the twenty-first century. We have so many things to worry about: fame, success, boyfriends. Actually, it’s not that hard. Especially when you’re an alpha bitch.

Nobody has poise quite like the alpha bitch. Nobody has class; nobody has style. In an effort to be an alpha bitch, some betches put on the crown for a few days.

They quickly realize that you can’t just be an alpha bitch.  It’s not a fun title to wear for a few days—it’s a way of life.

I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY; I WAS BORN THIS WAY

As soon as she enters a room, people know. Heads turn. Actually, it would be harder not to notice an alpha bitch when she walks into a room. She’s so fucking cool that it's actually insane.

(P.S. Alpha bitches always know when people are looking at them, and they expect people to be constantly watching them. They do not blush when people look. They do not acknowledge their admirers. It’s just implied that someone’s always watching.)

She’s effortlessly hot. She always looks amazing, emanating natural beauty and oozing sex. She’s so cool you’re intimidated, but want to know her anyway. She breaks hearts on the reg—men just know not to try.

(Disclaimer: If you belong to a country club, have at least a “junior” tacked onto the end of your name or have a summer home in the Hamptons, you have license to try.)

She’s the focal point of countless girl crushes. She’s the target of infinite girls’ jealousy. They may talk a little shit, but they know they could never take her. She could crush them with her pinky finger. We’re talking Blair Waldorf status. Reputation destroyed, never to be heard from again.  #Oopsdidyouneedthat?

In the event that someone forces her hand, she carefully weighs her options. Ultimately, the take down plan is so carefully structured that it will definitely not be traced back to the alpha bitch, and it may actually end up making her look better. As much as she loves taking things away from people, she doesn’t like to accidentally tarnish her own flawless PR in the process. Any hit to her reputation looks like a weakness, and alpha bitches absolutely DO NOT HAVE fucking weaknesses.

“One time Regina George punched me in the face. It was awesome.”

It is so much fucking fun to be me.

Almost the ultimate alpha bitch. She inspires awe. Everyone wants to be her. She controls everyone. If only she weren’t quite so mean…

Regina forgets the key to being an alpha bitch: it’s not about everyone else. The power to be an alpha bitch comes from within. It’s her unwavering knowledge that she can do anything she wants. It's more than a social status. Being an alpha bitch means being purely, completely, utterly confident.

Besides, the ultimate conquest is having everyone be truly in love with you. They just can’t get enough.

What is an alpha bitch?

She’s fucking invincible.

So next time you're contemplating your latest makeover, strive for perfection. Try to be an alpha bitch. See what you’re made of. If you have it, congratz—you are now the only person you ever need to know.

Get it? Good. Luv yaz!

Ⓗ Ⓒ Ⓛ

My Dearest College Betches

2011-04-06T14:44:00.000-04:00

To my Dearest College Betches,

This blog will soon become your most favorite plaything--besides your current boytoy, obvi. The betches who write this blog are in college too, which means that they have nothing better to do than divulge their most hilarious adventures and, of course, compile a College Betches Bible (now commonly referred to as CBB--before CBB (bCBB): dark ages) for college betches all around the world! Well, maybe not the world--we only speak three languages. So now, a word of advice for all y'all sexy biddies:

It's exhausting being the writer, director, producer, and star of my own life. #whitegirlproblems

Here at HerCollegeLife HQ (aka the swivel chair I'm currently sitting in in my Statistics Lab--#LiterallyDyingHelp), we think that every girl should be the writer, director, producer, and star of her own life. This should be our pledge of ~~allegiance~~ betchhood. Oh, we will also be making a Twitter. Over and out.

Ⓗ Ⓒ Ⓛ