Here and Now ~~ 4 Angel~~

An Unsung Lullaby

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 23:57:00 +0000

Sometimes I dream that I'm pregnant, and when I awaken and realize that it was only a dream, a sadness comes over me, and it takes awhile to shake it off. I loved everything about being pregnant. The creation, the growing of a new life inside of me...it was absolutely sublime. I have friends who are desperately trying to have a baby or have had miscarriages and I realize how blessed I am to have my children. I cannot even imagine the loss when even a dream leaves me aching. This poem is about one of the dreams I had, and although I'm not really sure exactly what it means, I wrote it minutes after I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I suppose that is when you remember dreams the best.

An Unsung Lullaby

The bees swarm

outside of your window

where the crib stands empty.

Clinging to the dream of you

unborn sweetness

wrapped inside the silence of sleep

tears of sorrowful loss

Awakening to find damp cheeks

achingly empty arms

outstretched in the darkness

unborn soul

Reaching toward the dream of you

until the buzzing fades away

Angela Minard 2012©

Happy Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:55:00 +0000

Here are some pictures from Dave's 50th surprise birthday party that I threw for him. It was so much fun, and he was truly surprised. Almost 22 years married, and 25 Valentine's Days together. It has flown by!

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope it has been a fabulous day for all of you. Dave and I aren't big on doing all that much to celebrate, but we are going to spend the day together on Monday, and then go out in the evening. He has an appointment with his neurologist that day to check on his brain tumor. It is always an emotional time for us, and we worry about the results of his MRI, but we have had many years of good news, so hopefully this year will not be any different.

Health wise I've still been exhausted, and I'm not sure why. I finally went back to work on Monday for half a day, and still wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. Dave wants me to go to the doctor, and if I'm not feeling better soon, I will make an appointment. I'm really not sure if it is depression, or my physical health. Depression sneaks up on me, and it is such a helpless feeling. I really want to feel better. The fatigue is frustrating. I've been going to yoga, but not taking near as many classes as I was, and that is definitely not like me! I had a bit more energy today, and I'm going to keep pushing myself to do more. Maybe I should take vitamins? My food intake has been better. Maybe the restriction affected me more than I thought. I don't know...Eating disorder, depression...Blah, I'm so sick of it! Spring is coming. I will get through this. I always do:)

All Is Good

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:49:00 +0000

I haven't been well, physically or emotionally, and I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins. I only went to work one day this week. I'm exhausted, and even doing the minimum has required a huge amount of effort. I wasn't eating, which I know played a big part in my fatigue, but I'm getting back on track, so I should be feeling better. Now that I know what it feels like to have a healthy body, I find it difficult to tolerate the symptoms of starvation. That is a good thing!

One thing that happened this week is that I cried. It was the kind of cry that stuffs up your nose and makes you look really ugly. I haven't cried like that in a long time, and even though it feels like I'm on the verge of tears everyday, I rarely shed them. I thought that I would feel better. My therapist is always exulting the healing power of tears, but the heaviness in my chest is still present. My psychiatrist increased my anti-depressant dosage and suggested getting a therapy light. This winter has been sunnier than most, but I still struggle through the darker months. At least today, I'm showered, I took a yoga class, and I'm writing. I know I'm depressed when I can't even make it to the computer! I made it through January without hospitalization or suicidal thoughts, so if a few tears is the worst that happens, then all is good. All is good...

Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:15:00 +0000

Revisited

When I asked if she had read it

she said it was on the floor of her closet...

the poem I had given her

discarded

I had tucked the memory away until later

when I could contemplate the hurt

because although I knew that she cared

there was an anger in me

anger that I had chosen not to acknowledge

I wonder at the time if my face gave me away

but I always smile

or at least that is what I must have done

If she noticed anything in my eyes, it didn't show

It felt like I had been slapped

I remember telling myself that it didn't matter

that she would eventually read it

It was most likely crumpled up

thrown in the trash by now

I still see her

Why do I go back and revisit the past?

Torturing myself

as if everyone is out to get me

to see if I will crumble

I weigh my words carefully

treading on thin ice

The knives that are thrown at me

penetrate my shield

but I will not let you see

Angela Minard 2012©

Wanting

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:48:00 +0000

Wanting

Disconnection and mistrust

invasion upon invasion

a barrier between myself and the light

the need for solitude

but the loneliness weighs heavy

You know too much

and yet not enough

always wanting more than I can give

You all want more...

"What do you want to talk about?"

I'm afraid

You will all use it against me

I can't get away from the want

"Tell me what you need?"

Listen to me, but what if you can't hear?

I'm sick...

I can't escape the sick, the broken,

the hopeless, the yearning for a touch that burns

Should I pull away first

before you see the need?

The hunger for more than anyone can give

I'm so sorry

I can never be enough

incomplete

the words are tumbling and I cannot stop them

I promise

trying to be more than I can ever be

the words I write are all that I have

all that I can give

Give, need, and want are incongruent

all that I can say

senseless in the whirling of my mind

apologetic for losing myself to the sick

irrational in my thoughts

I used to be better

before the telling, the spilling of my soul

the loss of time, because at least I could escape

There is not freedom

Do I give up believing?

The nameless horse that I hold in my hand

a talisman

The giving to me so that maybe I can feel

Sometimes people leave on purpose

Sometimes they try to stay

and sometimes I'm the one who drifts away

Fix Myself

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 10:27:00 +0000

Yesterday, after I came home from work, I had a talk with my husband. Mostly he talked, while I nodded, and mumbled that I was sorry. I am sorry that I have been distant, and that when the going gets tough, I check out. I think one thing he said really sticks out in my mind. He said he was afraid that he was going to end up yelling at me. The thought of that terrifies me. I mean it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach, which is probably why I'm writing this blog post at 3:00 a.m. I have so many negative thoughts about myself running through my head, that I can't even keep up with them. I don't know what else to say here. I feel the panic rising, the racing heart, shallow breath, the echo that I will never be good enough. It has taken me almost an hour to write these words. I keep thinking that if I write, I will find some kind of answer, some way to fix myself. This is all that I can write for now.

A Rest From The Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:22:00 +0000

Sometimes when I feel wrapped in silence, like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon, I try to remember that I always find freedom, emerging stronger than before. I sort of fell off the face of the earth this weekend, sleeping the days away. I think my mind needs a rest from the chaos of my thoughts. This morning I felt ready to face the world. Work has been really challenging and during the day it is a good distraction.

I need to focus on my goals to move me forward, and to be more of a participant in my own life. I can't shut people out when I'm feeling lost. My therapist said that she feels me pulling away from her, and my husband has said the same thing. I'm so afraid of losing people, that sometimes it is like I want to be the one who leaves first, as if I won't be hurt as much that way. I want to let go of this fear, and to trust. I think that losing my best friend this year has played a big part in how I'm feeling. I'm still grieving the loss, and maybe I always will, but holding on to the pain isn't going to get me anywhere.

Barriers

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:54:00 +0000

"Recovery involves being visible. Ending isolation and coming out from behind a barrier that blocks you from life itself."~Joanne Poppink

This quote really resonates with me because I've always thought of my eating disorder as a way to hide, disappearing from the world, and not only from the world, but from myself. The emergence has been slow, but here I am, in a place I've never really been before. I've always lived inside of my head. I was a quiet, anxious child, even before being raped, and although as I grew older the shyness improved, I was still wary of life and easily overwhelmed. This week I'm hurting, and when I hurt, I want to run far away, withdrawing from everyone. Teenagers are difficult to raise, and both my husband and I are stressed and worried. His reaction is anger, and mine is to close myself off. This does not make for good team work. Sunday night, instead of exploding, he decided to get away to cool off, but he did not tell me that he was leaving the house, and was gone for hours without contacting me. I was hurt, and felt abandoned. My mind goes off in many direction and I become irrational in my thinking. My feeling were disregarded, and left me feeling unimportant. We talked about it last night, but right now I feel unable to let it go. My fear of being left has my stomach tied in knots. Dave wants a couples session, and at least he cares enough to ask for one, although I feel as if I'm failing at everything right now. Parenting...my marriage, and even therapy. My main therapist, whom I feel a strong connection with, wants me to see my trauma therapist more often and that makes me also feel abandoned by her. I know that she only wants me to get the best care, and I also know that it is my way of avoiding talking about it. I'm not feeling very trusting of people in general right now. I think in my mind that when people love you, they don't hurt you, and I know that is unrealistic. I hurt people..

I have some issues to work on. I'm famous for distraction techniques, and I've been falling into those. I do know my weaknesses, so that is a positive. If only I can let go of the hurt.

The Body Remembers

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:39:00 +0000

Art by Margareta Jungerth Boo

I don't know if I talked here much about body memories, but I have them, and they are even difficult for me to understand. Researchers have noted that a trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response. This means that sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and that the memory of it can be stored in your physical body. I experience body memories with pelvic pain, and painful jaws from oral intercourse. I will often awaken from a nightmare physically feeling as if the abuse has just occured. This comes out everyday with jaw clenching, chewing the insides of my mouth, and uncontrolled tightening of my pelvic muscles, as if I'm waiting for the assault. It took me a long time to talk about this. I felt as if I was crazy, but when I brought it up to my trauma therapist, he was so understanding, and he explained that the pain is real. This has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery. On top of the flashbacks, I could actually feel the rape of my body as if it was happening all over again. Body memories are an important piece of the healing work. The body can say a lot about the incidents of abuse, and it really is impossible to re-create a body memory when there was no memory in the first place. Because of that, body memories are often helpful in breaking through the denial layers of dissociation. The body may remember moments of the abuse that were too emotionally difficult for the survivors to manage, but by truly listening to their bodies, survivors can learn a great deal about their histories. As I move through this process, acknowledging the truth of what happened to me, I can learn to comfort myself without blame or shame.

Swimming Home

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 22:59:00 +0000

Swimming Home

It was as if suddenly I felt your love

and so I came swimming home

muddy water dripping from my hands

the key slipping into the unlocked door

Crawling beneath your skin

drawing your breath into my lungs

there is comfort in the familiar

our pasts intertwined

Within these silences

meant to keep you away

always protecting you from my pain

drowning in a pool of darkness

Swimming alone

In my dreams

I can hear her cries

the ghost of a girl calling me

Looking into my own eyes

I can finally see

and reaching out to save myself

I find my way back to you

Angela Minard 2012©

No More Walls

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 01:27:00 +0000

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into marvelous, I let go. Reality does not impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." ~Anais Nin

Oh, yes to all of this!

The Hero In Your Soul

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:38:00 +0000

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." ~ Ayn Rand

I think we need to recognize that we are all heroes, although we don't often realize it. It takes courage to change, to know that we can make a difference, and the impact we have on the lives of others.

This weekend a friends daughter was almost hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts. I went over to talk to her because she was refusing to see a therapist, and resistant to medication. After talking with her, and telling her my story, I think she agreed to seeing my therapist. It felt so good to help, and it was a very powerful feeling. I haven't always felt like I mattered much or was worth anything. We all need to feel we have a purpose in this world. If we believe that we can't achieve our dreams, then all hope of fulfilling our destiny is lost. Something good has come out of the nature of my battle, and that helps me to see that all things are possible.

I Can Hear

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:59:00 +0000

I Can Hear

The heat is like ice searing my skin

white hot, blue fire

reaching out to touch

already singed, I back away

returning for more

The flames flicker in your eyes

mesmerized,

I know I cannot turn away

It doesn't hurt

I'm immune

Let the needle pierce my vein

We play this game

You will say I'm the leader

but the truth is...

I follow,

always...

Let me follow

I'm waiting

Call my name again

out loud

Only I can hear you

Only I can hear...

Angela Minard 2012©

I Am

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:53:00 +0000

I Am

I felt the sand,

the dust from the sea obscuring my vision,

the flapping wings overhead, the dizzying view

Time is the movement of sky, a final inhalation

before sinking below

I am the pull, the tug of darkness as you breathe me in

the rest of the world slipping away.

I am the harbor in which you cling,

paralyzed with fear, and you are afraid to let me go

I will not cry out or beg

I am not a choice to be made

I am the horizon in the distance

your solace in the storm of confusion

if only you could see what I see

2012 Is Here

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:09:00 +0000

Happy New Year!!!

I'm not making any resolutions for the year. Everyday is a day to set new intentions, and make a fresh start.

I can't believe this blog is almost five years old. These are the words of my first post on June 13th, 2007~

"I'm so tired right now. Tired of hiding from myself. I want peace. I want to take back what was mine. My body. My soul. My life...

I remember that time as if it was yesterday, and yet it also feels so far away. I am taking back my life, and it feels good! I wish you all peace, joy, and acceptance for this new year. Sending all my love...

Life Is A Good Enough Reason

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 22:04:00 +0000

I need to eat something, and so the fight within my mind begins. The first argument is usually that I'm not hungry. I'm so accustomed to living with the symptoms, that I don't recognize the most obvious body signals. Still, my mind tells me that I need to have a reason or an excuse to eat. Everyday I talk myself into it. I have to. I want to live, so I eat, but the fighting is madness, and it is tiring. The opening and closing of cupboards and refrigerator doors, sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, the mindless eating over the sink, it is all so old, so familiar, so boring. My inability to just disappear at times pisses me off. "Don't see me," I want to shout! My belief that I was strong enough to starve myself made me feel untouchable. You can't take what you don't see...

The struggle is what tells me I'm alive. The passionate anger I feel toward this eating disorder is what makes me believe that I will win. Hell, I AM winning!

Play Me

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:52:00 +0000

Play Me

The dissonant chords spill down my spine

the ominous sound of winter wind

as the metronome ticks back and forth

You are all at once darkness and light

the sin of silence

as your hands pound against my keys

Did I feel you touch me?

I can smell the salt of your skin

on my fingertips to remind me

Fasten my dress

and drive me through winding roads

tell me your dreams

as I trace your palm

the lines that intersect with mine...

Happy Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 13:01:00 +0000

This is a photograph of the Kansas City Plaza lights.

Merry Christmas! I'm the first one awake as usual. Even when the boys were little, I would have to turn on the Christmas music and stomp around the house to wake them all up. The anticipation of the day gets me every time, even now that the boys are older. Last night I cooked a big turkey dinner, which they all devoured. I can't believe we barely have any turkey left! Today we will go over to the in-laws for brunch and exchange gifts.

I'm really enjoying my time off work. I've done lots of yoga, and knitting. Shopping for Christmas isn't too big of a deal. We only buy for the kids in the family, so it is pretty easy.

I miss baking with my mom, and seeing my side of the family. I hate that they are so far away, especially during the holidays.

I will keep this short because hopefully my boys will be up soon, but I wanted to wish you all a wonderful holiday! Sending all my love:)

Red Fades To Black

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:30:00 +0000

I look down at my hands, unrecognizable as my own, gazing around surroundings all at once familiar and strange, searching my mind for my last conscious memory. In a flash of rememberance, the room begins to spin, and I shut my eyes tightly, until the red fades to black and I can once again breathe.

New memories take me by surprise. It is a smell, a look, a touch, or something they said to me and I'm gone. I want to stay, but somehow my mind goes on automatic pilot, protecting the child that I was. I think that I'm doing so much better until I have another episode, and then I feel like I'm back at square one. Why can't these memories stay buried like so many others? It seems unfair to have to be brought back to the past time and again. Do I do this to myself, and why? It is a constant battle to stay in the present, and I work so hard. As I sit here, I realize that I'm blaming myself for the memories, as if I want to torture myself, and that is not true. I have therapy today, and I need answers or explainations...a way not to blame myself.

Marching Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:50:00 +0000

"Marching is not forgetting what is behind you and walking away. Marching is KNOWING what is behind you and purposefully, and methodically moving in the other direction."

This is a quote from my dear friend Eve, and I thought it was brilliant and wanted to share. It took a long time to know and acknowledge the past and what happened to me. I tried to forget, but eventually the truth caught up with me. I think sometimes people who haven't been through any kind of trauma expect you to forget about it and move on. I've had comments from people on this blog that felt that way. Knowing what happened to you and choosing to move forward is essential to healing. I will never forget, but the pain does lessen with time. There is peace in the truth of knowing.

Words

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 03:45:00 +0000

I have all of these words and feelings that bubble and rise to the surface. I feel like a volcanoe on the verge of erupting, and yet I don't even know what that means, or what it would look like. I've always had trouble naming the feelings, although I feel them all so intensly. It is major work to keep them bottled inside, and yet that is what I've always done. I try to ignore them and push them away. Everyday I go through a myriad of emotions that pass through me like electric currents without an outlet, and today I feel worn out by them. My sleep is frenzied, as if I'm running with no place to go, a longing to find what is missing. Today I read a blog post by a young girl who was brutally raped and my heart aches for her. I want to reach out, but what words of comfort can I give? The rapist was caught and pleaded guilty. She made the choice to face him in court, and I realize that I have so much unleashed anger, with no one to direct it at, although I don't know that I would be brave enough to do what she is doing.

My mind is skipping, and I want to tell you how grey this week has been. I'm both frustrated and challenged at work as I try to figure out four kids with autism that I'm just getting to know, and trying to train paras who have never worked with children with autism. There are moments of inadequecy and triumph depending on what strategies work or don't work. Any progress made will most likely regress with winter break, and when they come back we will have to begin again. I need this break, a pajama day, and a cookie baking day with Christmas music blaring. Two more days, and it will be mine! I know this post sounds a bit down, and really I'm not, but I needed so much to write these words. I suppose I should talk to actual people more! You know on the outside I'm always doing "fine." Most of the time I'm better than fine, and that feels fabulous! I'm ending this on a positive note, but of course, as always I will return with more words.

Dancing Alone

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 12:45:00 +0000

Dancing Alone

...so I daydream into this night

fighting sleep like a child

though my eyes grow heavy

The thoughts are fluid

moving in slow motion

as your face fades in and out

the memories bittersweet

and though I try to hang onto them

they slip from my grasp

You play like a broken record through my mind

and I'm lost in the music

Dancing alone...

A Beautiful Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 19:39:00 +0000

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ~Anna Quindlen

When you are trying so hard to be the person that you think everyone wants you to be, it is difficult to separate that from who you really are. It is a lot of work to become yourself, and the discovery can be both exciting, and rather frightening. I spent so much of my life wearing a smiling mask, being the good girl, the quiet and complacent girl who would never make waves. That is still part of who I am at times, but I can use my voice. I'm no longer drowning in the fear. I'm not as afraid to ask for what I want, and can acknowledge that I have needs. I don't beat up on myself near as much as I used to, and I find myself challenging the negative self talk more often than not. The beliefs about ourselves that we form when we are young are so often what we carry with us into adulthood, and it is difficult to let go of those beliefs. I internalized everything, blaming myself for things that I never had any control over in the first place. The thoughts of a child are so simple, and I wanted everyone around me to be happy, and I thought if I could be good and perfect, I could make that happen. I'm realizing that I'm not responsible for the happiness of others. I'm only responsible for my own. My job is to be the best me that I can be. We all have gifts and strengths, but those often get buried in self doubt, and we focus on our weaknesses. I'm trying to embrace my soul and the truth of who I am, accepting my flaws, changing and learning everyday. Life is a beautiful journey if we choose to look at it that way.

The Comfort Zone

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:56:00 +0000

I saw my nutritionist last night for the first time in three weeks. I really don't feel the need to see her as often, but there are still issues that I have. Right now I eat on the run a lot. I still can't make myself eat lunch in the teachers lounge, so I eat in my car. It's always protein bars or yogurt, which feel safe. I rarely sit down for dinner with my family because I go to yoga every night. I can't eat before I go, because yoga on a full stomach is not wise, so I have to wait until I get home, and by then my family has already had dinner. I'm not really eating with people much, but I'm eating! We talked about how I seem to need to be doing something to distract myself while I eat so that I'm not as focused on the fact that I'm actually eating. Dinner is often standing up in the kitchen while I pace around. I'm not restricting, so whatever works is good for me at the moment. I will try to work on some of this during my Christmas break. I will try to sit down more often and be present. I'm in a comfort zone right now with how I'm eating, and thinking of changing anything makes me a bit nervous, but I will try!

Now Is All There Is

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:19:00 +0000

The final pose during a yoga practice is called "savasana" which in Sanskrit translates to "corpse pose." Sounds easy, right? Really all that you have to do is lie on your back, but the difficult part for me is that you are also supposed to empty your mind and clear out all thoughts and worries. It is a part of my practice that I'm struggling with, and I know that if I could master a calm mind, even for ten minutes of my practice, it would help so much, especially when my thoughts tend to run wild and I need to slow them down. I'm sure that it takes practice, like everything else, but I have no idea how to get there. It seems the more that I try to stop the thoughts the more out of control they become. My mind is like a runaway train, going nowhere. It's not like I'm trying to solve the problems of the world or anything! I envy some of the others in the class who can lie still and peaceful, while I resist every urge to fidget, and can't wait for savasana to be over. Damn the woman snoring next to me! How does she do it?

I work so hard to stay in the present, but always my mind drifts backward and forward in time. I do have the most wonderful daydreams sometimes though. I do wish you all peaceful dreams, and the mindfulness to stay in the now, for now is all there is...

Here and Now ~*~ 4 Angel~*~

An Unsung Lullaby

Happy Valentine's Day

All Is Good

Revisited

Wanting

Fix Myself

A Rest From The Chaos

Barriers

The Body Remembers

Swimming Home

No More Walls

The Hero In Your Soul

I Can Hear

I Am

2012 Is Here

Life Is A Good Enough Reason

Play Me

Happy Holidays

Red Fades To Black

Marching Forward

Words

Dancing Alone

A Beautiful Journey

The Comfort Zone

Now Is All There Is

Here and Now ~~ 4 Angel~~