Here and Now ~~ 4 Angel~~

Battles To Be Won

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 14 May 2013 03:04:00 +0000

Today I had a second steroid injection into my left hip, and right now it is still very painful. If I'm remembering correctly, besides being tender from the injection, I was feeling some relief, so I'm a little worried. I'm seeing another orthopedic surgeon next week for a second opinion and to see about what options are available other than a total hip replacement. I'm trying to be positive, but it is frustrating to be in so much pain just trying to perform everyday activities, let alone not being able to keep up with my yoga practice. The doctor I will be seeing specializes in hip arthroscopy and sports medicine, so hopefully after he looks at my MRI, he can help me to decide what the best option would be for my lifestyle.

It is hard on my eating disorder not being able to exercise, and although it is affecting how I feel about my body, I'm trying not to let it affect my food intake. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to punish my body anymore than I already have, and self care is important. Three months ago, before the first injection, I was also in a lot of pain and had to take a few weeks away from exercising. I was angry, blaming myself, and my first reaction was to severely restrict what I was eating. Starving myself is only going to make matters worse, so this time I'm choosing to continue to nourish my body, even when the bitch in my head tells me that I'm fat and weak. The eating disorder doesn't get to win this battle. I do.

Skinless

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:54:00 +0000

"Sometimes she seemed like a woman without skin. She felt everything so intensely, had so little capacity to filter out pain that everyday events often seemed unbearable to her.
Paradoxically it is also that skinlessness which makes a poet. One must have the gift of language, of course, but even a great gift is useless without the other curse: the eyes that see so sharply they often want to close. Her eyes were astoundingly blue and astoundingly sharp. Nothing escaped her. She saw everything, and since most of what there is to see in the world is painful, she often lived in pain."

~Erica Jong

I don't believe that most of what there is to see in the world is painful, but I do believe that often times we rub salt into our wounds, or at least I find myself doing that by allowing my mind to travel back to what hurts. I examine it all in such great detail, torturing myself in the process.

I want to stop. I need to stop.

"Don't worry...
You will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
Know that you're loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time."

~ Sarah McLachlan

Karma

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 03 May 2013 23:34:00 +0000

We have all heard the expression "You get what you deserve," right? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that expression lately. We talk about Karma, or "What goes around comes around." We attempt to make ourselves feel better when someone wrongs us, by telling ourselves that in the end, they will get what is coming to them, but these are cliché's, not some inherent law of the universe. I also hear people say, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The truer cliché is that "Life is not fair."

I'm realizing that when bad or painful things happen in my life, I blame myself. I think that they have happened because I deserved it, or have brought it on myself. I was raped because I was too friendly, I smiled, I wore makeup...

Convincing me that it was never my fault has been quite the challenge for my therapist. My adult mind gets that logic, but the wounded eleven year old little girl that resides inside of me can't seem to hold onto those words. I've been working so hard, but when I encounter hurdles, I find that so much of my pain comes not from the actual struggle, but in the feeling that I somehow deserve the pain. The anorexia stems from the fact that somewhere along the line, I decided that I should punish myself for what a horrible person I am. I feel guilty for any happiness that crosses my path.

The cortisone injection that I had in my hip has worn off, and I'm in constant pain. I find myself in tears, but it isn't the physical pain that causes me to cry. It is the belief that I deserve this pain that hurts me so much. I think that I try to be a good person, but it is not enough. I found yoga, and a wonderful support system within the yoga community. I was learning how to appreciate my body after so many years of hate, but because of the ways I've mistreated my body, I suffer, and therefore I deserve what is happening.

This summer I was going to work summer school with my kiddos with autism so that I could afford to take the yoga teachers training at the beginning of next year. My dream is to eventually teach yoga to people dealing with trauma, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders. Now all of that will have to be put on hold. I've made the decision to have a total hip replacement this summer. I'm afraid. I question, and I struggle with so many old beliefs that are not serving me well. I know that I need to convince that little girl to believe that it is okay to be happy. I hate and blame her so much, that I cannot allow her to find peace.

Let go of those clichés and rules in your mind that allow you to believe you are undeserving. If you will try, so will I, because if I believe that "I get what I deserve," I might as well give up. Life is not fair, but if we give without expectation, I do still believe that life will give back.

A Simple Goal

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 03:29:00 +0000

I deleted my last post from a few days ago, mainly because it was whiny and ungrateful, and that is not the person I want to be or the space I want to inhabit. Although what I wrote was my truth in the moment, I feel like if I want to move forward, I need to find a different truth. When I worry too much about the future, I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt, and as usual, I find myself standing in my own way. The goal for now is simple, and that is just to be where I am, without judgment.

Evanescence~ "My Heart Is Broken"

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 12:44:00 +0000

"My Heart Is Broken"

I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.

I pulled away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul.

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you.

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

(Over my heart).

I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Half alive without you

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long

Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken

Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

A Wordless Darkness

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 02:24:00 +0000

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”
~Yann Martel Life Of Pi

March Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 01:04:00 +0000

Yes, it is officially spring, but this is the picture I took of my backyard this morning. Spring break has been cold, grey, and gloomy, but even the sun worshipper in me has to admit that this is beautiful.

I've missed being here on my blog, but I've been in such a strange head space. I struggled with my health throughout the fall and winter, all of it due to side effects of anorexia. There are also family issues going on, which due to privacy, I won't write about. I'm just trying to make it through at this point, but I'm feeling quite broken most of the time. There is so much good that I want to do, but mostly I feel like I'm a failure.

Well, this is why I haven't been writing!

The Itch Of Madness

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:20:00 +0000

The Itch Of Madness

It was as if the pain of remembering was not enough

moments replayed in full color

revisited in my sleep

my mind riddled with so many bullet holes

and yet the blood continued to coarse through my veins

taunting me as it traveled away from my pulsing heart

I began to claw at my skin in the night

The winter brought an ache to my bones

each step becoming a broken reminder

Trying to sink into the numbness of hunger

the emptiness echoing into the silence

Waiting to shrink...to disappear into a quiet place

but every sound was amplified, swallowed in noise

A cacophony of voices, each one fighting to be heard

I couldn't help but scratch the itch of madness

watching as my body was consumed in flames

trapped beneath burning flesh

as if the pain of remembering was not enough

Angela Minard 2013©

Moving On

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 17:55:00 +0000

This is just a quick update since my last post. I do not have cancer! Yippeee!!!! The MRI showed a cyst in my hip joint, thinning cartilage, and arthritis. I'm now on arthritis meds, and will be getting a steroid injection into my hip on Monday. In the future, the hip will need to be replaced, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm beginning to have less pain, and the steroid is suppossed to really help. Moving on!

Step Away From The Computer

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 02:25:00 +0000

Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain

Non hodgkins lymphoma

Here is a tip from me to you~ Never Google all of your health symptoms to find a diagnosis that fits. It will scare the living shit out of you! This is so crazy! I dislike going to see doctors, and avoid them as much as possible. I have a very high tolerance for pain... 4 natural childbirths/no drugs/no screaming or crying. I've had kidney stones and didn't shed a tear, although it did hurt like hell. In the last few months, I've been in and out of the doctors office. It was last April to be exact. I went in for a regular check up, and some minor complaints. I was having severe night sweats which I was chalking up to menopause. My hormone levels came back fine, so that wasn't the cause. My white blood cell count was high, but I was recovering from a bladder infection. Everything else was fine, so there wasn't a follow up. Around the same time I also began to have random hip pain. It would come and go, but by late summer it was bothering me enough to go have it checked out. The diagnosis was a possible stress fracture, and to take it easy. I also have osteoporosis from my years of anorexia. I babied the hip, and it seemed fine with only some occasional soreness. I continued to practice yoga daily, and tried to ignore any minor discomfort. A few days before Thanksgiving I came down with a sore throat and an itchy rash that started on my chest and spread to my back, arms, and legs. I also developed a cough, but never went to the doctor because I just figured it would work itself out. The rash went away, but the horrible itching never subsided. I went back into the doctor for the itching around the 1st of January. He took blood, and again, I have a high white blood cell count. He gave me an oral prescription, which didn't help, and a prescription for a lotion that the pharmacy had never heard of. I then decided to change my diet and remove gluten and dairy. Now it is mid January and the hip pain returns, worse than ever. Now I can barely walk, and actually cried in the doctors office because the pain was so bad. No one is giving me answers. I'm itching like crazy, I have night sweats and hip pain. I went in for an MRI on my hip today. The orthopedic doctor says it may be necrosis of the bone, which means that the bone in my hip is dying. He doesn't know about my others symptoms though, because I've seen so many different doctors at this point. Google says that I may have Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I need to step away from the computer!

Isn't It Ironic

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 18:06:00 +0000

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't have anymore sick days left at work and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my job. I can't work with kids like this, and I'm also afraid that I'm going to have permanent limitations that would make me unable to do my job. It is so ironic that today is the first day of the yoga teachers training that I had wanted to sign up for this year. I guess it is a good thing that it didn't work out, but it is taking my mind to a dark and negative place because I fear now that it will never happen. I found something good, and I don't deserve to have it. I purposely haven't written here in awhile because I have never wanted to be one of those people who talks about their aches and pains constantly, and that has been what my last couple of posts have been about. I've been so proactive about taking care of my health. I stopped eating gluten and dairy which seems to have helped with the itching, and I got off of all of my medications months ago. My therapist was not thrilled when I told her that I had discontinued the anti-depressants, but I have been fine without them. I'm down about the state of my physical health, but who wouldn't be? She is also worried that limiting what I eat is going to cause a relapse, but I'm being so careful. Life is full of irony for me right now. I'm finally taking care of my body, but maybe it is too late.

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 17:40:00 +0000

After two months of not feeling well, and the doctor not finding much besides a high white blood cell count, I've decided to make some dietary changes and see if that will help with the symptoms I've been having. I've decided to go gluten-free and dairy-free . I already know that I'm allergic to dairy, but many of my symptoms point to an intolerance to gluten also. It may sound a bit drastic, but I'm desperate to feel better. I'm not sure how my nutritionist and therapist will feel about this. I'm afraid that they will think it is an excuse to eat a restrictive diet. With my history, I know that I will need to be careful, but I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes. My one resolution that I made for this year was that I was going to eat three meals a day, and so far that has been going well. I'm really not concerned with my weight at this point. I've even recovered from seeing the number at the doctors last week. I truly just want to be healthy.

Stop The Hate

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 19:49:00 +0000

All morning I've been trying to downplay my feelings. "I'm crabby, annoyed, irritated, and so on." I've been sick for weeks with various symptoms, and some of them have cleared up, but others linger, and I'm tired of not feeling well. I found myself in tears the other day, and knew that I needed to go to the doctor. My husband took me in on New Years Eve, and now I'm waiting on blood tests. I'm always so good about getting weighed. I always step on the scale backward, and have not seen my weight since before I went into treatment, but they handed me a synopsis of my visit, and there it was, in black and white. It is upsetting, although I can't pinpoint why. When I was sick, I always kept my weight in the double digits, and now I fall in the mid-range for my height. I liked not knowing or worrying myself with a number, and now that is ruined. I'm more than irritated. I'm angry right now. I'm angry that I'm letting a number get to me, I'm angry because I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on edge, and near tears. I hate everything about my body. I hate that I don't physically feel well, I hate how much I weigh, and this is always what it comes down to. I feel as if I will never escape the betrayal of my body, and the disgust I feel toward it. I've been doing everything I'm suppossed to do. I eat, I do yoga, and I'm really trying to take care of my body, but it's never enough to stop the hate.

Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 02:06:00 +0000

I remember hearing the bells on Christmas Eve. I must have been six or seven years old because it was before my parents divorced. We had returned from midnight mass, and as I climbed into bed, I heard them clearly. I was certain it was the jingle of Santa's sleigh, so I quickly squeezed my eyes closed, hoping he would not pass by because I was not asleep. I often return to that memory, mainly because soon after, part of me forgot how to believe in magic. I've always had lovely memories of Christmas. My mom worked so hard to make the holidays special. Even when we didn't have money, she made sure we never went without, but those early years growing up are the most vivid. After the divorce, I grew up quickly, and that is what happens. I'm who I am because of how life played out. I wouldn't have my amazing step-dad if my parents hadn't split up. I'm beginning to realize that life in itself is magic. Every moment shapes who we are, and brings unexpected gifts, and he was definitely an unexpected gift. I remember the first time he came over. My mom made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, and my brother hid in the closest because he hated new people. I loved him from the start because he made me laugh. He still does!

For a long time those bells were a distant memory, but I'm beginning to listen more closely now. Not only can I hear, but I can see. Magic...

New Directions

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 21:21:00 +0000

We had our first snow last night, and today is the first day of winter break. I don't go back to work until January 7th. I didn't wake up until 11:15 this morning! I've been sick for weeks, and trying to push myself through it. The extra sleep was definitely needed. Today has put me in the holiday spirit. The boys sat around the kitchen table with me, sipping hot chocolate, while I had my coffee. We were laughing, just being silly, and I loved every second of it. I'm looking forward to this time spent at home with all of my guys. My emotions have been all over the place lately, but today I am hopeful. These past few years of recovery, therapy, and facing the painful parts of my past have been a long and difficult journey. Yesterday my therapist told me that I needed to celebrate how far I have come. She says that I minimize my progress, and I suppose she is right. All I can see are my faults, and how far I still need to go. After all of this time stumbling around in the dark, I can actually see some light. I'm beginning to let go, and I have new dreams and a new life to look forward to living. This year I'm going to work summer school, save money, and hopefully be able to become certified to be a yoga teacher. I will then need to take another training to be able to teach trauma sensitive yoga to those with PTSD. I'm driven to help others who have suffered from trauma to heal. It may take me awhile, but I can see my life turning in a new direction. Yes, I'm hopeful...

Sometimes...

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 03:33:00 +0000

Sometimes there are no words, and yet, here I am. Today I sat in an elementary school building, surrounded by beloved children, as I heard the news that 27 children had been murdered in a Connecticut school. What do we do? We keep moving, we take care of our children while simultaneously mourning those who are now lost. I handed out snacks, zipped coats, touched the tops of heads, and said goodbye. Always, we will have to say goodbye, and sometimes it is too soon. I have yet to watch the news. I know enough.

Time For A Change

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 18:58:00 +0000

Artwork by Brooke Shaden~"What Keeps You Warm"

December is beginning strangely, the air thick and throbbing with uncharacteristic warmth. The smell of damp earth swelling has left me with a dizzying sense of unbalance. A quiet discontent has settled in my heart, a longing for something beyond the reach of my fingertips. I'm ready for a change, I know what I want, but there are obstacles blocking my path. Getting around them is going to take some time, and to be honest, I'm growing impatient. I have to trust that everything will happen when it is meant to happen.

Physically I have not felt well since right before Thanksgiving. I came down with a sore throat, fever, and strange body rash. I took a week off of work, it started to clear up, but then on Wednesday of this week, the same symptoms returned. I still went to work on Thursday and Friday, but was exhausted and miserable. I've been resting this weekend, but it is cutting into my yoga practice, and I'm so tired of being sick. Being stuck in the house is only adding to my restlessness. The winds of December need to turn, hopefully bringing me some change.

Thankful For Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 03:50:00 +0000

A few years ago I spent Thanksgiving far from my family in an eating disorder treatment facility. I was alone, sick, afraid, and after suffering from anorexia for so many years, I was tired. I remember sitting at the long dining tables meal after meal, with women and young girls who were terrified of food, terrified of taking up too much space, and terrified of their own feelings. We would be awakened every morning around 5:00 a.m., waiting for a turn to stand on the scale and be weighed, shivering in our thin hospital gowns, dread growling in our bellies. I wanted to get well, and I did not want to get well. They would tell us that it wasn't about the weight, or the food, but I did not learn that there. In treatment it IS all about the weight you gain and the food you consume. My body came home healthier, but it has taken my mind a lot longer to heal, and I'm still walking along the recovery road. Sometimes I take a detour onto hazardous paths, but that is part of the journey. I will be honest in saying that the holidays are difficult for me, and for most of us in recovery because everything is so centered around food. When I was sick, it took a great deal of effort to try to appear as if I was actually eating. I don't like to eat in front of people. It is just damn hard sometimes, but I do it because I'm actually beginning to believe that I'm worthy of being healthy. My family deserves to have all of me, and not just the empty shell. That is who I used to be, but not who I am anymore.

I Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 15:12:00 +0000

I Talk

I talk around it...

They

with their breath

steaming against my skin

while you look at me

a subject to ponder

with your partner over dinner

I'm pity

I'm a paycheck

a call in the middle of the night

I'm rancid anger

and yes, I hate you

over and over again

hanging up and calling back

until the throbbing voices

shut up

Shut up!

You make them shut up

I talk around it...

They

with their breath

hissing in my ear

cryptically written

scrawled in journals and poems

hands, hands, hands

mouths, mouths, mouths

words, words, words

while you look at me

unraveling my pain

I'm a wound

I'm disease

to only you I speak

listening to my screams

and yes, I hate you

over and over again

"If I Touched The Earth, It Would Crumble"

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 22:52:00 +0000

"My tears are like the quiet drift of petals from some magic rose; And all my grief flows from the rift of unremembered skies and snows. I think, that if I touched the earth, it would crumble; It is so sad and beautiful, so tremulously like a dream." ~Dylan Thomas

Every time I feel as if I'm going to choke, I'm driven to write, although often times my fingers hover over the keyboard for hours before the words can come. After some really productive therapy sessions, and getting closer to my feelings than ever before, this week I dreaded going. I walked in to her office, my feelings so close to the surface that I felt flushed, my heart racing, and fear gripping my body. I realized that the vocabulary my body was using was telling me that I was angry, and recognizing that feeling sent me running. I joked my way through the session, using humor to distance myself from the fear. My therapist saw through the whole thing, and although I can talk about things that make me angry, I still can't allow myself to feel it. It seems wrong to me and so I talk myself out of it, and make excuses for people who hurt me. I turn the anger inward, blaming myself for what happened, and I've done that for so long that it is second nature. I'm so close, and it scares me. "What is the worst that could happen?," she asks me, and I don't know. The not knowing is what I'm afraid of. "I think, that if I touched the earth, it would crumble..."

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 10:52:00 +0000

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

She was like the dark side of a butterfly

hiding from the wind

her wings pinned by the fear of flight

Hanging, hanging...

the world turned upside down

surrounded inside of the silky blackness

holding the warm breath deep into her lungs

The cracks of light seeping through the dark

her strength cutting the crystalline brightness

Pushing, pushing...

until at last

she was free

Permission To Feel

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 19:07:00 +0000

"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences.

I am not the content of my life.

I am life.

I am the space in which all things happen.

I am consciousness.

I am the Now....

I Am"

~ Eckhart Tolle

I thought this quote went really well on my blog, as it is something that I need to remind myself of everyday. Being present and living in the moment can be difficult for me, but when I do remember, life is definitely better. I have less anxiety, sadness, worry, and fear; most of which is caused by living in the past or thinking too much about the future. The future is something that is beyond my control for the most part. I can work towards accomplishing my goals, and have dreams, but I can't worry about the rest. I can only work at being the best person that I can be. I'm going to strive to live each moment as if it is the last, and remember that everything I do and everyone I touch is important and serves a purpose.

I've been having some amazing and eye opening therapy sessions lately. Last week my therapist asked me what yoga pose made me feel strong, and I immediately said Warrior II pose. She asked me to do the pose in her office while also making an "I" statement about anger. I did the pose while saying, "I can allow myself to be angry, and it is okay." I know it sounds kind of corny, but after about 6 times saying it, I really began to believe it, and I could hear my voice getting stronger and louder each time. Last night we did the same thing, but with a different pose and an "I" statement. I chose triangle pose because it makes me feel strong, but also free. "I am free to be me," I repeated over and over. What does that mean to me? It means letting go of being the person that I think everyone wants me to be, and in doing that, finding myself in the process. I get caught up in worry over making a mistake or people not liking me if I say how I feel. It is exhausting to live that way because I'm constantly replaying every moment of my life to see where I went wrong, and then beating myself up if I think I screwed up. There is freedom in saying, "screw it," instead of "I screwed up" all of the time. Whatever emotions that I'm feeling, I'm trying to give myself the permission to feel them and to tell myself that it is perfectly okay. I'm used to talking myself out of my feelings instead of acknowledging them, and it is scary because my fear has always been that the feelings will be "too much." I'm learning that I can tolerate the feelings and be with them without feeling like I have to try to fix or change them. I told my therapist that I can't believe she gets me to do some of the things that she asks me to try in therapy, but I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone, and I feel safe enough to do that with her. It's not easy, but I'm willing to try just about anything to heal, and it finally feels to me like I'm making progress. It's been a long time coming!

The Heart Of A Warrior

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:14:00 +0000

The Heart Of A Warrior

The time bomb of anger roars

choking on the voice

you have never allowed yourself

Trapped in the spaces of silence

the imploding pain gnaws in your belly

Outside of rage

there is the freedom

to let go of what holds you hostage

It begins with a whisper in the stillness

hearing the words you could never say...

"I can feel"

Inside of your soul

beats the heart of a warrior

Start Living

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 00:32:00 +0000

I keep reading over my last post, tempted to delete it. Writing it and reading it has been helpful because then I am able to see where I am, and what things need to change. It is interesting to me that often after I have written an angst ridden post, I'm able to look at everything with a different perspective. I'm realizing that having too much of any emotion frightens me. I'm overwhelmingly sad, and with that sadness comes the fear that it will be endless, leaving me with a feeling of hopelessness. What is frustrating is that I cannot put into words, or even understand what it is that I'm sad about. There are some family things, but that is mostly about fear and not being able to control what is going to happen. I have been touching upon anger in therapy, and allowing myself to feel the anger. It has always been difficult for me to feel rage over being raped. I've always been too busy blaming myself and by doing that, I have given all of my power away. Being powerless leaves little room for hope, and certainly for happiness to grow. Bad things happen, and it doesn't mean that it is my fault. Turning my anger inward, and taking it out on my body just isn't working anymore. I eat, and then for days, I don't eat. It is a never ending cycle of guilt because I think that I'm undeserving of happiness. I move toward joy, and then back away because I'm terrified that it will be taken from me. I push people away because I'm afraid they will leave. Whenever I find myself wanting something badly, I become fearful that I won't get it, or it won't happen. My black and white thinking says, "Nothing good will ever happen to you, because you are not good enough." I try to visualize myself one day being a yoga teacher, especially teaching yoga to trauma survivors, but then I think, I can never do that because it won't make enough money to support my family. I need the insurance that I have with my current job. I'm so afraid that I will never be able to afford the teacher training anyway, so why bother getting my hopes up. I sabotage myself instead of figuring out ways to make it work. I did ask my teacher about a scholarship for the training, and I'm waiting to hear back from her. I can find scholarships on my own, but they all seem to be out of state, and I need to stay close to home. I guess if it is meant to happen, then it will. I need to get out of my own way, and actually start living!

Blank Emptiness

noreply@blogger.com (Angela) — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 01:48:00 +0000

Sometimes it hurts to speak and I feel locked in lonely silence. There is a vacant lifelessness to my days. I'm tired of the bouts of sadness...trapped in a prison where only I hold the key. I have had some breakthroughs in therapy, mostly trying to get in touch with what makes me angry, and acknowledging that I even have anger. I recognize that I need to change in order to move forward, but with change also comes fear. Often times, I do not feel safe, and there is a feeling of dread that hangs over me. There are things in my life that I won't write about here, and the thought that I don't manifest good in my life means that I don't deserve good in my life. I feel guilt that I'm not grateful everyday for the good that I do have. I have so much, and being ungrateful and selfish make me feel like I'm a horrible person. I'm back to working with kids now that my hip is healed, but I don't feel present when I am there. I zone out a lot, and there is a blank emptiness in my mind, which I find to be better than the racing thoughts, but checking out is not going to help anything.

I have run out of words for now, and this post has been a difficult and long one to write, so I will end for now.

Here and Now ~*~ 4 Angel~*~

Battles To Be Won

Skinless

Karma

A Simple Goal

Evanescence~ "My Heart Is Broken"

A Wordless Darkness

March Madness

The Itch Of Madness

Moving On

Step Away From The Computer

Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain

Isn't It Ironic

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

Stop The Hate

Magic

New Directions

Sometimes...

Time For A Change

Thankful For Recovery

I Talk

"If I Touched The Earth, It Would Crumble"

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

Permission To Feel

The Heart Of A Warrior

Start Living

Blank Emptiness

Here and Now ~~ 4 Angel~~