Here To Eat: Ace Eats America 10 Plates at a Time

Kind of the End but Not Really

2007-06-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have some exciting news to pass along to you guys. I'm going to be writing reviews weekly for uber-blog The Impulsive Buy. I think I'll be starting sooner rather than later. I really couldn't pass up the opportunity. Unfortunately, I am a full time college student and generally anxious person so I can't write for two blogs without going insane. This is why I'm sorry to say that Here To Eat's immediate life is being cryogenically frozen for the foreseeable future. I don't expect to compromise anything or write differently, it's going to be the same tangential stuff with even more irreverent and self-deprecating humor.

This blog started as a hobby and has become something that I am very proud of in the short time I've been doing it. It's worth the awkward stares I get when I tell people what I do for fun. All of you guys leaving comments, writing e-mails, or just reading my ridiculous reviews have made the whole thing very enjoyable and fulfilling.

Thanks for reading and please visit The Impulsive Buy to follow me and read my new reviews every week. Remember, I'm not gone, I'm just moving!

Much love,

Ace

Circle K Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite

2007-06-02T12:55:00.001-07:00

Price: $.99
Rating: * / *****

Here it is. The ROLLER BITE. My god, the things I do for you people. Not only do I scour the ends of the Earth to review everything known to mankind, I also have to eat them. Getting the thing was hard enough, eating it was much, much worse. Okay, here's the a rough outline of my ordeal with obtaining the Sausage/Egg/Cheese Roller Bite.

- I see the sign as I am pumping gas. Finding it to be frightening, I take a picture and post it.
- You fine folks say I should review it. Scared, yet unflappable, I go back to the gas station to find it.
- I drive to Circle K, see the sign, but find that they have apparently run out of said Roller Bites. I am angry, yet resilient.
- I go back half a week later, but find this Circle K no longer SELLS these Roller Bites.
- I call 4 different Circle K's, asking if they have Roller Bites. The first 3 barely know English, cannot understand why anyone would ever want a Roller Bite, and leave me high and dry. The fourth, however, confirms that it has breakfast Roller Bites!
- I drive roughly 15 minutes to get the Roller Bite

All that was left was the eating.

...

Well, it took a lot for me to muster up the strength to try this monstrosity. As you can see, it is fatter than I thought it'd be and pretty oily as well. It also has a lot more egg than I thought it would. Now, these things could be seen as a positive but only if you're batshit insane. During the time I was staring at the thing I was lost in reverie and decided to wonder what the sales pitch was...

People like hot dogs, right?
Of course! People love the delicious flavor and disturbing texture.
And...and...people like breakfast, right?!
Yes! People enjoy not starving until their lunch break. But...how the fuck are people going to eat breakfast if they can't have it in hot dog form?
You fool, don't you get it? You know how Rachael Ray puts hot dogs in macaroni and cheese and calls it a casserole?
Yeah?
That's what the American public wants to eat! Complete shit!
This is brilliant! But what do we do?
Well what if breakfast was in a hot dog...think about it, people could have breakfast any time.
You mean like Bagel Bites?
No...like ROLLER Bites!
::simultaneous crotch grabs:: YEAH!!!

The first bite was quite the experience. I didn't really taste any cheese...but that's not what bothered me. Hmm...how should I describe this? Uhh...you ever try ripping the tires off of your car, cutting out a small piece, and then baking it in a blanket of sea salt like how the Iron Chefs cook their fish sometimes? Oh, you haven't? Then you're in for the treat, because you won't believe how spectacularly unnatural this thing tastes.

I'm pretty sure sausage should taste like meat, but I can't help but feel like Dr. Frankenstein is in a lab somewhere playing a sick joke on me. It's CHEWY. Why is the fucking thing CHEWY?! Maybe because it's been rolling on a heated surface perpetually for a few months, but even I can't make any excuses for this thing. The eggs were extremely dense and hard as expected, probably due to the fact that it's been cooked for roughly 15 years before being introduced to the sausage in some factory in eastern China.

You know that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Master Shake can't finish the Broodwich or else it'll take his soul? I'm almost certain they modeled the Roller Bite after that. I had two bites before I realized that I had a civic duty to burn this thing in some sort of pagan ritual. However, I had already started to feel the effects. As the pains came in, I immediately went to the kitchen tried to stab my stomach in frustration. I figured it was an honorable way to die, I believe the Japanese call it seppuku, but after a few minutes I figured I could tough it out and live to write this review.

So that was my experience. I hope you all never, ever eat this thing and may God have mercy on our souls for inventing it.

Yoshinoya Large Beef and Vegetable Bowl

2007-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Price: $5.19
Rating: *** / *****

People, I can't be held responsible for things I type on the internet. I know I said I'd have something on Memorial Day, but I had things to do that made me jam my fingers, therefore rendering me unable to type. I couldn't even open a bottle of Sprite the next day, so I had to drink this weird thing called "water" instead. I can't keep my massive popularity in check either; it keeps me from being at home during the times I usually write reviews. Sure I could write during the day, but I'm most motivated at midnight staring down a can of Monster energy drink with a spoon full of applesauce in my hand. What is this website? Do you think this is just something where I can just blow on a Nintendo cartridge and a review is going to pop out? Do you think this is a game? Motherfucker, I AM the game!!!

But really, in light of today's big news that local superstar and sexual icon(for better or for worse depending on what you believe about certain deeds in certain Colorado hotel rooms) Kobe Bryant is going on a whirlwind radio tour demanding a trade, I thought it'd be fitting to review Yoshinoya. Kobe Bryant has nothing to do with the chain itself, but he's named after a Japanese city so I guess that's a good enough connection for me.

And if you really think about it, Kobe Bryant is a lot like a Yoshinoya combo bowl. They're both good at crunch time, when it gets heated towards the end. Kobe can be counted on making a clutch shot and you know Yoshinoya's going to have a hot bowl of filling food to satisfy your junk food quotient. They both come in styrofoam packaging decorated with the company logos. They're both delicious seasoned with the ground red pepper flakes that Yoshinoya provides.

Okay, maybe this was kind of a stretch.

Maybe I could compare Yoshinoya's beef with Kobe beef. You know, the famed beef where the cows are massaged, drink sake, and generally live better lives than most of us before getting the axe. Of course, Yoshinoya is not Kobe beef. Hell, I don't even know it can be considered beef in certain parts of the world, but it certainly gets the job done. Kobe beef is known for its intensely fatty and marbled meat. Yoshinoya beef is intensely fatty, but not exactly in the same way. They use a cheap cut called "short plate", which means little to the layman except that it's not quite like any other type of beef. It's basically thin, shaved meat that melts in your mouth because of how fatty and tender it is. It is simmered with onions until it is suitable for human consumption. I actually find it to be pretty good, as the beef goes well with the bed of sticky rice that it lays upon.

What really disturbs me are the vegetables that accompany it in the bowl. The combination of cabbage, cauliflower, carrots, and what appears to be broccoli stems come together to form a troublesome tribe of mush. I could honestly say that if I was looking for some savory baby food, I could take a mortar and pestle to it and have myself a treat. I have no idea what they are cooked in, but Yoshinoya calls it their secret sauce.

Newsflash, people: 5 star restaurants don't have "secret sauces", only shady chain ones do. Normal restaurants have the balls to tell people what their sauces are because they aren't afraid of exposing the truth. You can't tell me that the radioactive glow coming from the vegetables are healthy. I use ramen powder to season my tuna sandwiches and I still think that's better for me than whatever this is.

So the vegetables are slightly scary, but the beef was generally tasty. You also get a lot of food for what you pay for, so I will definitely head back sometime and just ask for the beef bowl.

Expect a review of breakfast Roller Bites sometime within the next 7 days.

Roller Bites: Wave of future or sign of rapture?

2007-05-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm pumping gas the other day and I see a sign for this...

Thoughts?

Rubio's Crunchy Shrimp Taco Plate

2007-05-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Price: $5.89
Rating: **** / *****

Rubio's is a mostly-California chain specializing in their famous deep fried fish tacos, which are good enough to maim for. I remember that Rubio's claimed to be so good that people who hated ordinary fish tacos would love theirs. A bold claim and a leap in logic, considering that I would never think to bring someone who hates beef to my favorite steakhouse. So they gave Mandy Moore, who is apparently a fish taco hater, one to try on some MTV show. She visibly choked it down and pretended to like it, struggling to compliment something she clearly didn't enjoy. I guess that was convincing enough for me to go out and try one. Mmm...Mandy Moore...

*ahem* Anyways, Rubio's specializes in fish tacos but they, as most chains tend to do when they expand, are increasing the selection on their menu. Some, like the ridiculously small and overpriced street tacos are a slap in the face of everything I deem tasty in Mexican food. Another, like the new "wrapsalada", is a simple exercise in making an unnecessarily stupid name for a salad wrapped in a tortilla. I ask this question again: when did lazy stoner food become the newest trend in the world of casual dining? Please people, stop the madness, have a seat, and take 10 minutes to enjoy your lunch. And if you work at a place where you're in such a rush that you have to eat your salad in wrap form, please consider leaving immediately or perhaps arson.

However, sometimes you get lucky and they introduce new tacos that are worth trying. This is certainly the case here with the crunchy shrimp tacos, which are both crunchy and shrimpy as advertised. Served on corn or flour tortillas(corn is really the only way to go), the fried shrimp are laid on top of a yogurt sauce spiced with salsa and lime. It is then topped off with a refreshing chunky salsa and a handful of cabbage, which sets it apart from tacos made with lettuce. The cabbage doesn't wilt under the heat of the fried items and produce a crunchy, light texture that further enhances the crunchiness of the shrimp. Though it was very good, I must say that some of the shrimp had a little too much breading and there were times when I hardly got any shrimp when I bit into the tacos. This is a common complaint with fried shrimp, and I'm not sure if a solution will ever be found.

The combo comes with beans, tortilla chips, and a soft drink. Now that I finally got my filling replaced after waiting a month and a half for my HMO dentist to treat me, I can actually enjoy the soft drink without the searing pain of cold liquid. The chips at Rubio's are freshly deep fried and crunchy as they should be, and feel a bit more rustic than the unusually light Taco Bell chips that one gets accustomed to. The beans, which are topped off with a crumbly Mexican cheese, are piping hot and salty enough to make a good dipping partner for the chips. Take some lime and salsa from the condiment bar on the side and you're pretty much set.

One thing I've always found unsettling about Rubio's were the little cardboard stands of Pesky the Fish that line the tables. Pesky is an example of suicide food, a disturbing trend in the advertising component of the culinary world. These are mascots that literally feast on themselves(as opposed to that loud chick everyone hates, who metaphorically does it) and invite you to do the same. It has always freaked me out, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one to notice the twisted existence that we live in. In the year 2000, when the aliens take over and my name is AN#34589 or something, I will sooner set myself on fire than pose with my deep fried limbs on either hand. Shame on you, Rubio's, for making a fish pose inside a taco. You're lucky that Pesky tastes so delicious, or else I'd take a stand against your demented ways.

Zip Fusion Sushi (In Corona, CA)

2007-05-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

Price: Philly Roll $8.95, Las Vegas Roll $9.50
Rating: ***** / *****

I never actually had sushi until I was well into my teen years. I would scoff at the notion of paying a premium for a seemingly small amount of basic food. My logic, of course, was based on being a cheap ass. I figured a roll of sushi was the equivalent of a small bowl of rice with some raw fish thrown on top. But like most things from my early years, it was a grossly misguided opinion.

Zip Fusion is a trendy little sushi restaurant with an eclectic mix of techno dance songs and candlelit tables. They are candlelit because the room is absurdly dark, even during the day...so much so that I actually wanted one of those stupid Owl wallet lights I keep seeing on television. Oh well, all part of the ambience I guess. And for the record, any waiter that pulls out a flashlight on me is getting a swift kick in the balls.

My friend Ariana reccomended that we come here while I was up visiting her. I thought it'd be a nice change of pace from our usual "I don't care, what do you want to eat?" conversations that generally just lead to burgers and a broken heart. So we went, but we also brought along her little sister Ally. I don't know what's worse, knowing that I'm deep in the death pit known as the "friend zone" or having to deal with her sister constantly flipping me off and cracking terrible jokes. Despite these things, the food more than made up for it all.

The rolls were amply sized and quite simply stunning to look at. Like the saying goes, it was almost too pretty to eat. But like my high school art project, I ended up eating it anyway. The Philly Roll is an American invention, named after the Philadelphia cream cheese that turns the already melt-in-your-mouth salmon into velvet. So even though it is not exactly authentic, it is still rather divine. Inside the rice and seaweed is avocado, asparagus, carrot, and the aforementioned cream cheese. The contrast of crunchy and smooth tickled the proverbial fancy. It was topped off with delicately cut salmon slices, which kind of made me wish I was a bear so I could eat salmon this fresh every day. A weird thought to have, yes, but it's really good! I dipped it into some soy sauce which I mixed some wasabi into, a perfect compliment for a wonderful roll.

Up next was the Las Vegas Roll; a sushi roll with a name fitting for its decadence. Consisting of avocado, crabmeat, cream cheese, and 3 different kinds of fresh fish, the ingredients managed to all meld together under a crisp tempura shell. That's right, it's deep fried. And like all things deep fried should be, it is served with a bold sauce that was both sweet and spicy. The best thing about the roll was that even though it was fried, the fish inside remained raw and tender to the tooth while the outside was the epitome of battered indulgence. Filling and delicious, the rich Las Vegas Roll made a great tag team partner for the lighter Philly Roll.

It has been a long time since I had a review where I wasn't a cheeky little bastard, but Zip Fusion has managed to make a saint out of me today. It's almost worth the drive to Corona(and that's saying a lot) and is definitely a place to check out with good company.

KFC Chicken and Biscuit Famous Bowl

2007-05-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Price: $4.99 w/ a drink
Rating: ** / *****

"Okay, that'll be $5.13 at the second window, Ace."
Uhh...I haven't ordered yet.
"Oh, it's a new thing we're doing at KFC. It's called FEF, and it's designed to speed up service to well known customers."
Wow, that actually sounds like a good idea. So now that KFC is doing FEF, I don't even have to order?
"Nope, our records indicate that you order with surprising consistency. In fact, you come enough where we can find out what you order 99% of the time, +/- 3%. Almost like an election."
This sounds awesome! So what does FEF stand for?
"Well in keeping in line with our acronyms, FEF covers up the less desirable Fatties Eat Faster name."
Fatties Eat Faster? How come I wasn't told about this?
"Well, store policy designates that fatties aren't told about the name...it might be considered offensive."
Uh...huh.
"So yeah, we already have the #2 with extra gravy and a side of fried chicken skins at the second window for you."
How'd you know I was coming?
"We put a tracking device on our best customers. It lets us know when you get into your car."
But I could just be visiting friends or going out or something.
"Let's not kid ourselves, Ace. We know why you drive."
All of this makes sense now. You know, what Jim? I think I'll go with something different today. I saw this commercial for a new Chicken and Biscuit famous bowl and the guy seemed to be really enjoying himself.
"Is that so?"
Yeah...I'd say he was almost getting off just eating it. I think I'll take that one.
"Alright, that'll be $5.36 at the second window."
Thanks, Jim, tell Pam and Dan in there that I said "hi".
"They already received your Hallmark cards. Enjoy your meal."

So Jim was pretty cool today, though I'm not sure how I feel about FEF. Nevertheless, I came home with this disaster of a meal. Not that it couldn't taste good looking like that, but chances are slim to nil that most sane people could enjoy this. Even I, who could be classified as insane in some southern states, didn't enjoy this. I still ate and finished it, though.

Why?

I don't know. I was pretty hungry, but looking back, it wasn't a great idea. For those of you who aren't aware of awful fast food creations, the Famous Bowl is KFC's way of slopping all of their leftover ingredients into a plastic bowl and hoping you have low enough self esteem to dig into the thing. First of all, I should mention the ingredients of the meal. This one contains mashed potatoes(more like blended instant potato flakes, but I guess that's fast food semantics for you), a pile of sweet corn like the ones you donate to homeless shelters, a smattering of breaded chicken pieces, a half gallon of country gravy, a sprinkling of cheese, and topped off with the coup de grace. A fucking biscuit. That's right, now you get to eat your biscuit mixed in with everything else like an animal.

The meal doesn't taste BAD per se, but it certainly has many, many flaws that I will begin listing for you fine readers right now. First of all, there isn't nearly enough mashed potatoes and far too much corn. It was almost a 50/50 ratio in my bowl, which is not only unpleasant, it is hard to eat. The corn tasted like it came straight from a can and into the bowl, which is to be expected but it isn't acceptable when the quantity is so high. The chicken pieces were soggy as anticipated, but had the good KFC flavor and can hardly be blamed for the downfall of the meal. The cheese was cheese and the biscuit was a biscuit. That was fine, I guess.

But the gravy! I wouldn't be angry with KFC's sad attempt at country gravy if I hadn't had better tasting gravy from Banquet meals. Now I don't have exactly high standards for what I eat. If it's "yummy" I'll eat it no matter what. This gravy, however, fails miserably at life. It has the taste and consistency of lightly salted milk. Not only is it runny and weakly flavored, but its lacking any of the pepper that makes a white gravy interesting. So not only does it make the chicken and biscuit soggy, it turns the potatoes into a watery paste and adds no discernable flavor to the bowl.

And I STILL finished the thing. Damn, I must really hate myself. So there it is, a two star meal. I don't know how this bowl got famous, but it certainly wasn't based on merit. Does anyone know if KFC has a casting couch?

Pho Dac Biet from Pho 54

2007-04-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

Price: $5.49
Rating: ***** / *****

You. Yes, you specifically reading this right now. Why haven't you tried pho yet? You say you have? Awesome. Now, the rest of you...why not? Pho is ambrosia and nectar all in one. The soup that really does eat like a meal, unlike the processed bullshit that is Chunky Soup. And really, is it wise to eat a hot bowl of soup after a long session of hitting the weights at the gym? My flactoids beg to differ.

Anyways, this weekend has been pretty uneventful. After an embarrassingly strenuous hike up a hill for a field trip in my geology class, I could find no better thing to do than unwind with my newly bought copy of Pokemon Diamond. If you think that it's odd that a college student still plays Pokemon games, please seek out the nearest hole available and crawl in it and die. So I played that for a few hours, then found my mind adequately numbed. I was in the mood for some comfort food, so I thought I'd go out and eat some pho.

This really isn't a fair review. I've never had a bowl of pho that wasn't at least edible. I even eat the instant pho that is basically rice noodles and mystery powder that tastes like plastic and feels like plastic. I probably shouldn't be surprised the first ingredient listed is plastic. Still, I throw in some beef and basil and it's a viable meal. This isn't a review of fake pho, however, this is the real deal. Every Vietnamese person with half a soul is going to give pho 5 stars, so I guess I'll just take this time to talk about what makes pho so great.

For the uninitiated, pho is the national dish of Vietnam. It is how we kept the French from taking over during the years they colonized. Don't ask me how, but pho did the trick. Pho is also the reason we are so awesome at school, with relatively few exceptions. So what is it? It is rice noodles with various cuts of meat in a beef broth that rids your soul of the sins you've accumulated during those drunken stupors. The broth consists of beef bones, star anise, onion, and other good stuff that makes your soup yummy.

Look at it in all of its glory. This is called Pho Dac Biet, which is with all the fixins'. Tripe, brisket, rare beef slices cooked by the soup, and tendon. You can have it with just beef slices, or chicken if you're a sucker, but I prefer all the pieces of the cow. There are many different textures in the bowl. The tendon basically melts in your mouth as the gelatin softens after many hours of cooking. The tripe is firm and chewy, though not so chewy that you'll be chomping on the pieces for long. And the beef should be thinly sliced and tender, suitable for dipping into hoison sauce or Sriracha if you're so inclined.

Pho is traditionally served with a plate of basil, bean sprouts, and lime. I like to throw in a good amount of basil and lime, cutting down on the saltiness and bit and making the soup delicious and drinkable. Eating goes as follows: taking a piece of meat, and then following it up with a spoonful of rice noodles and soup. Repeat until you're finished. Then unbutton the top of your pants and hope nobody notices how out of shape you are.

Anyways, go out there and give it a try to see if you like it. I've had a few friends try it and love it, but one that didn't care for it. I couldn't let her live after that. If you are in the Orange County area, you can easily find a pho shop in your neighborhood, so there's really no excuse for not seeking it out.

Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff

2007-04-22T23:18:00.000-07:00

Price: $2.00 + $3.00 for beef
Rating: * / *****

During my weekly trip to buy water, I noticed that it was raining. I was the one cussing at the sky because it ALWAYS rains a day after I wash my car. That's not the only reason I hate rain, though. When I was little, my mother said that rain was Buddha peeing on us. I'm not exactly sure why she thought that was a good idea, but it was probably a big contributor to my hatred and fear of it. A fear shared by many other southern Californians, who all huddle together like ants and cry in unison to the beat of the droplets. But I digress...while I was driving, I saw a huge torrent of water on the right side of the road next to the sidewalk. And there was a guy who was careening his car into the water every time he saw a pedestrian, thus completely soaking them in the dirtiest water this side of the Mississippi.

Needless to say, I found it rather peculiar. I can't really explain it, but I imagine that he was singing "I make it rain on dem ho's" and taking it a little too literally. Either way, it immediately reminded me of this meal. Sure, the reactions of the people was twistedly funny, but if it happened to me, I could think of no better revenge than serving him this meal. Revenge, they say, is a meal best served cold. I disagree: revenge is a meal best served lukewarm with Hamburger Helper. Holy shit, there were a lot of comma's in this paragraph. I apologize.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit as far as revenge goes(I'm a stickler for giving the guy a paper cut in the eye myself), but this meal was an all around disaster. What should be a cheap and easy meal that can serve a family turned out to be an ugly mess that I wouldn't even feed to the dog. And if you're one of those weirdos that considers your dog part of the family, I wouldn't even feed it to you either. It was bad in every aspect, and the worst part of it is Hamburger Helper can't even get their proportions right.

This recipe calls for a pound of beef. It sounds like a lot, I know. But I figured they knew what they were talking about so I asked the butcher for a pound of beef and threw it in the pan, thinking that the meal would come out like in the picture. You know...correctly proportional. But like most things in this cruel world, that's just a little too much to ask for. There was about 5x more beef than there needed to be and it was rather grotesque to eat and to look at. What started off as Hamburger Helper turned into Hamburger: Now w/ Some Shitty Noodles In It Too and made it a catastrophic culinary creation.

Not only was it then way too beefy, I found that the few noodles in it were rather chewy and gummy. That is a bad combination, but adding more water and cooking it longer didn't seem to help too much. To add insult to mortal injuries, the sauce was horrifically salty. So much so that I couldn't stomach a few bites of the finished product without having some bread or taking a drink(alcoholic preferably if you're planning on actually finish this thing). I thought about Hamburger Helper as a brand for a few moments, and came to the conclusion that what I was really paying extra for was just the name of the brand, because I could've done this with any other noodles-in-a-box for half the price and with better results.

I always suspected that the Hamburger Helper hand was a two-timing piece of trash who would just as soon strangle me as serve me a hot and tasty dinner. Next time you see him on television, you can be sure that I'll be at home screaming at the family and warning them of their impending disappointment. And you can be sure that the disappointment will subsequently lead to the dissolution of the family unit(you ever see the same family in two commercials? Didn't think so). You heard it here first: bad Hamburger Helper causes divorce and domestic abuse. And remember, everything you read on the internet is true.

No review?!?!?!

2007-04-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, sorry about not having a review this week. As you can probably tell, I've been redesigning the site and making it more functional and whatnot. Anyway, I think everyone's pretty down about what happened today. I haven't really been in the frame of mind to write.

Okay, new review on Sunday. Promise!

- Ace

Jose Ole Taquitos

2007-04-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

Price: 4.95 for 20
Rating: *** / *****

I was skeptical of buying Jose Ole taquitos. Not just because a guy named Jose Ole tried to sell me weed in high school, but because frozen Mexican food has burned me pretty bad in the past. Literally and figuratively. Frozen Mexican food has been ingrained in my mind as those 20 cent burritos that are either rock solid or so-hot-its-on-the-verge-of-exploding coming out of the microwave. Much of my childhood was spent figuring out how to spruce them up. Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do with a product so cheap. I also found it odd that I never found any beef in the beef varieties or chicken in the chicken ones. "How do the Mexicans live off of brown paste?" I used to think to myself as I walked off to school.

Sure, I had a hankering for some meat rolled in tortillas, but I could go to any local taco shop or Taco Bell and get that. Sometimes, though, you just don't feel like driving down to the taqueria and being the lone Asian guy being stared at as you butcher the Spanish language. Sometimes you don't even want to risk a bowel infection at Taco Bell. A box of taquitos in the freezer can be a humiliation-free and convenient thing.

Taquitos are also important to me for nostalgic reasons. When I was in high school, we would have this thing called "international week". This was a thinly veiled attempt for various clubs to raise money by serving up some unfathomably unauthentic ethnic food and sell it to the students at inflated prices. There was the Asian club and the Asian sports team(Key Club and Badminton respectively) serving chow mein and barbecued beef and everyone else selling tacos, virgin margaritas, and other Mexican treats. I don't drink margaritas for the flavor, so I generally skipped those.

And you know the saddest thing? Everyone looked forward to it.

"HOLY SHIT!!! They're selling egg rolls! And chow mein! And meat on sticks! This is fucking insaaaaaaaaaaane!!!"
"Please sit down kids, class hasn't even started yet!"

Even tepid taquitos served with Pace salsa and imitation guacamole was a gigantic step up from the crap(the soggy fried chicken was by far the best school lunch) we normally had to endure. So when it came, I embraced it. I still remember the price: 3 taquitos and a soda for $1.49. It was salvation for me. I went through high school stealing pigs-in-a-blankets in the morning and eating nachos drenched with cheese sauce for lunch. Don't judge me, you would've done the same thing if you were in my position. I'm the one who has to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm pretty sure these Jose Ole taquitos are the same ones that were sold during international week. They have the same coarse and mealy corn tortilla shell and thinly shredded beef center. There are directions to fry them, but having a twice-fried taquito just seems like overkill. I put them in the toaster oven for about 10 minutes and they came out crunchy on the outside and hot on the inside. I also like the fact that I can actually recognize meat tissue in the beef and not just a brown mystery paste. It's not spectacular fare, but it's pretty good in a pinch. I like to serve mine with guacamole(homemade when I'm not lazy...which is not often), salsa, and sour cream.

It's comforting in a weird way, but also a sad, sad reminder of those days stealing sausage from the high school cafeteria.

Hooters Hot Wings

2007-04-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

Price: $32.49 for 50
Rating: ** / *****

Yesterday was April Fools', a very fun day for most people who are more creative than me. I generally try to take notes from Jim on the show The Office about how to prank a person. Not only do I identify his struggles with members of the opposite sex all too well, I also revel in the plight of overzealous people like Dwight Schrute. Unfortunately, I don't work in an office so when I put people's staplers into Jell-O it just comes off as awkward and petty. Hence my struggle with April Fools'.

April Fools' is special for a different reason, though. My friend was born on April Fools'. She has mentioned for years that it has caused her great grief when dealing with people who laugh when she tells them that fact. It probably doesn't help that I regularly call her God's joke on humanity, but it's all in good fun. I generally ignore the tears that stream down her face soon after. So it was supposed to be her birthday dinner yesterday, and after I drove 25 miles to pick up another friend in Riverside, I find that the dinner has been cancelled for reasons probably having to do with a long night of binge drinking.

Very funny, April Fools', I get it. Oh, you got me!

"No."
"Oh...okay..."
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired."
"BUT YOU SENT RSVP E-MAILS, THAT MAKES IT OFFICIAL! I DIDN'T DRIVE HERE FOR NOTHING!"

Not everything in life turns out as you plan, kids. Like last week's visit to the Hooters next to Angels Stadium in Anaheim. Nothing at Hooters is as great or fun as it is made out to be. Hooters, however, makes for a conveniently fitting review, since today is the Men's Basketball NCAA Championship game. Not only does the game feed my gambling problem, it also gives me reason to write a review. Now that crazed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale is endorsing it, I felt that it could do not wrong. I mean...it has all the things that I enjoy about living: hot girls, hot wings, college basketball, and of course, hooters. It's a slam dunk, baby!

The wings at Hooters have been hyped up for a long time, so there came with it some lofty expectations. Every time I order wings from my favorite wing place called Wingnuts, I always get one or two douches that say, "Yeah, but have you had the wings at Hooters?" I used to think I was missing out on the greatest experience ever, but now I know...Hooters wings are just like any other hot wings you order at a restaurant.

I know I've been disjointed thus far, but let me give you a proper narrative. I was with a group of female friends and we were trying to decide what to eat. Finally, one person decided on Hooters and off we went. She tried to explain to me the disappointment she would have if we had an ugly or flat-chested waitress.

"Why does it matter if she has big boobs? I mean, you're not the one checking them out."
"Yeah, but it's Hooters."

Good point. You want a blonde with an unnatural tan and even more unnaturally large breasts. Not because you like it, but because that's the Hooters experience promised in their commercial. Thinking about this coming in, we were disappointed to see that our waitress was a rather thin and meagerly endowed woman of the latin persuasion. Sure, she was attractive and attentive, but that's not what we're here for!

So I figured that the wings would have to be as good as everyone was hyping them up to be. After all, $33 for 50 wings is a heavy price. They have boneless wings as well, but we all know the taste of wings comes from the ridiculous amount of fat. When they finally came out, they were definitely smaller than the ones at Wingnuts and covered in Hooters wing sauce. We got half breaded and half naked, which probably applies to both the staff and the wings. The blue cheese dressing was some of the weakest I had ever had and didn't have any chunks of real blue cheese, so already they had made a bad impression.

The hot sauce itself is your basic vinegary sauce that's probably just Frank's Red Hot and butter combined and served piping hot with the deep fried wings. I can't say that I was very impressed with it because it had no discernable heat at all. In their defense, they do have flavors called "911" and "3 Mile Island" that probably pack the spice I'm looking for, but with such vague names how the hell am I supposed to know what they taste like? The wings themselves didn't really have any meatiness to them, they were merely vessels to the sauce and that's unfortunate because they should strive to be so much more. I must give them credit for being hot and crispy, but they weren't better than the ones at most sports bars and definitely not better than the ones at Wingnuts which is a place I'll be reviewing in the future.

Other things we had included curly fries that were literally covered in salt(I am convinced that they tried breading it with salt and fucked up), onion rings that were foolishly paired with thousand island dressing, and nachos that I didn't taste. None were really that good.

So that was my experience. I can't say I'm eager to go again, but I wouldn't be adverse to have someone treat me there.

Chime in with your Hooters experiences and feel free to disagree.

Vietnamese Wedding Food

2007-03-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Price: Ridiculously high for whoever's paying.
Rating: *** / *****

I am writing this review from beyond the grave. You see, a funny thing happened to me yesterday. While at my friend's house, she made me watch 15 minutes of Stick It, an inspirational coming of age story of a gymnast. I'm not what one would consider a movie snob. I've seen more movies with Amy Jo Johnson in it than I care to admit and regularly quote Billy Madison to friends and strangers alike. I even sat through Bring It On to get a glimpse of some Eliza Dushku boobage. But this movie...this movie had dialogue that put me in a fugue state where I became responsible for everything you saw on the news today. Trouble in the Middle East? That was me. Elder neglect? They're breathing our air. HIV outbreak in Orange County? You better believe I didn't wrap up. And then I killed myself to ensure that I would never have to sit through that again.

A Vietnamese wedding is actually a lot like Stick It. It starts off painfully slow, with a barrage of strangers that you have never seen or heard of in your life generally gabbing it up with other strangers. Everyone appears to be eager to be seated, lest they have to interact for a long period of time with others like myself who are only there to eat. What's even worse, the watered down fruit punch doesn't have a trace of alcohol. And for the handful of gringo folk that are invariably present at each one of these things, the time before reception starts is a fascinating ordeal. As they are greeted with stares and broken English, I could envision them saying, "Listen, buddy, if you want small talk I got your small talk right here(cue the crotch chop)." Good times.

But also like Stick It, the eye candy to entertainment ratio is sorely lacking. The band is so unenthused that they look like they had spent the last two weeks getting prescriptions for horse tranquilizers. The singers...my god, the singers. They all sing like William Hung, and only the one who doesn't sing like William Hung actually is William Hung. Thankfully, my headphones drowned out most of the noise as I enjoyed the meal.

What you must understand is that Vietnamese weddings tend to take place in restaurants and not halls or churches. This wouldn't seem so odd to me, except that every wedding serves the exact same food. Right down to the very garnish. I am reminded of the scene in The Simpsons when Homer is touring the Duff factory and we see that Duff Dry, Duff Light, and Duff are coming from the same funnel. Either wedding chefs aren't very creative, or there is secret underground assembly line for this stuff. And the saddest part of it all? The cooks are all Mexican.

"Get to the fucking food, Ace."

Alright, alright. Without further ado, the food accompanied by bad pictures taken in the worst lighting possible for foodstuffs. You get the idea of what it is, though, so stop complaining.

1. Seven Star Cold Platter: Ah yes, the ubiquitous seven star cold plate. I'm not going pretend that I know everything on the plate, but I know I generally avoid most of it. Basically, there are seven different meats on a bed of greens. I'm not too fond of this as an appetizer, mostly because I don't care much for the different cuts of sausages, hams and mystery meats as a precursor to tastier items. For the record, I have no idea what those things are in the picture but they were pretty good. One is meaty and the other is very refreshing and stringy...whatever they are.

2. Shark Fin Soup w/ Crab: Another Asian favorite typically served on special occasions. If you've never had it, the texture of the soup might seem a bit strange. It is both stringy and gelatinous while going down very smoothly. Coupled with diced crab meat and hearty chunks of mushroom, it is a mildly flavored but very fine soup. Sorry Yao, but if sharks didn't want to be hunted they shouldn't have produced such delicious fins.

3. Honey Shrimp w/ Walnut: This really could have been dessert(and probably should have considering their choice of dessert) but is instead placed as a starter of sorts before the heavier items came in. The immediate thing you notice with the honey shrimp is that the coating is almost crunchy. Since the shrimp is also very firm, this makes for an interesting culinary experience. The coating is made with real honey, which was strong but not overbearing on the taste buds. It was very pleasant, but not something you would eat a lot of. The shrimp ball is just shrimp paste deep fried; pretty much standard Chinese buffet or dim sum fair. I found it to be a bit too salty, but maybe that was their intention to offset the sweetness of the honey shrimp and candied walnut.

4. Roasted Duck w/ Seafood: "Hey chef, what do you want me to do with these?"
"Well, what do you have there? I already finished the menu."
"Really? Uh...well, I have some ducks...a bag of frozen calamari, shrimp, and some broccoli."
"Just throw those all in an oven together and I'm sure it'll be fine."
"...But sir! These ingredients don't really go well together. I mean, the duck would taste horrible drowning in the sauce of everything else."
"Oh, come on, it'll be fine! They won't even notice. It's not like there's an F-list internet food critic out there that's going to expose me crappy dish. Ahahahahaha...ahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

5. Fried Lobster: This is the crown jewel. The dish where you have to make sure to clear out your area so that the waiter puts the plate next to you before all of the hungry guests have at it. Chances are you only get one shot at the plate, so you have to pick out the good pieces. I secured several meaty parts along with the head which I enjoy immensely. It is a whole giant lobster that they chop up and stir fry in a seasoned batter until it is perfect and delicious. Some green onions are tossed in there too. And to think, lobsters were actually known as poor people's food before over fishing caused the population to dwindle. If only those jackasses knew what they were doing.

6. Fish w/ Fried Rice: There is no more fitting way to end a Vietnamese meal than with fish and rice. This is nothing groundbreaking here. The fish is fried and lying on a tangy sauce which goes well with the spicy jalapeno slices. The fried rice is your typical fried rice with pieces of shrimp and sweet Chinese sausage. There are some previously frozen peas and carrots tossed in for good measure, though they neither add nor detract to the meal.

7. Taro Root: This was just kind of there as a palette cleanser. It was so irrelevant, I didn't bother taking a picture of it. It was purple and starchy and kind of tasted like mashed potatoes that were mixed with corn starch. And then covered in a gelatinous milky syrup of mixed nuts. Was someone watching porn when they thought this thing up?

All in all, a decent meal that was not a culinary orgasm that one would hope for. Anyway...things to learn from this review: Don't watch Stick It unless you want to ruin yours and everyone else's lives, Ace can be unintentionally racist, and most importantly, you can't think up good desserts when watching porn. Words to live by.

Stouffer's Meat Loaf and Mashed Potatoes

2007-03-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Price: $2.50
Rating: **** / *****

I didn't realize that the meatloaf was in a ketchup sauce until after I bought it. I didn't like the idea of ketchup sauce because I thought it would just taste like ketchup. Ketchup on a loaf of meat. This may seem normal for people who ate meatloaf growing up, but I had only seen it on television. I am reminded of the Boy Meets World episode where that leeching rebel Shawn refused to eat the meatloaf that Cory snuck into the room because it didn't have ketchup on it. "It's like a brick," he said. Well, fuck you Shawn. The guy's just trying to feed you after you ran away for the sixth time that season. You were always a flake and I laughed wholeheartedly whenever you had to talk to Mr. Feeny, a man who would've lost all will to live if you were real, for guidance. If I ever see you on the street I'm going to slap you for your formulaic plotlines and predictable teenage angst. And before I strike you, I'm going to sharpie the word "life" on my hand and make you think about the symbolism. Oh, the irony will be lost on the spectators but I will revel in my wit!

...but wait. The meatloaf.

Doesn't mean that this meal is a hamburger without the bun? Stouffer's sold me a bunless hamburger...at least that's what I thought. I was seconds away from taking my homemade molotov cocktails down to the meatloaf factory, but I decided to give it a shot. Thankfully, it was a lot better than a bun-less hamburger at McDonalds. While I thoroughly enjoyed 29 cent hamburger wednesday in my childhood, it's not something I'd like to eat with mashed potatoes.

The sauce was mildly tangy like ketchup, but had a more natural beef juice(this is more appetizing in reality than in print) and real tomato taste. The loaf of meat had discernable chunks of celery, bell pepper, and tomatoes, and none of them were overpowering. I was quite pleased with the moisture of the substantially thick loaf, as it was not like a brick at all. This part of the meal went great with the mashed potatoes, which were decent even though the dash of the paprika they shake on top was rather worthless. I ended up licking my plate of ketchup sauce; quite a grotesque sight for anyone peering through the window, but delightful for my pallette.

I thought the meal was a bit small at first, but for a meal under 10 ounces, it really filled me up. I will give them the benefit of the doubt and say that this was due to the richness of the meal and not because I had a bag of cheesy puffs while throwing the thing in the microwave. Somehow five minutes in the microwave always seems like an eternity, doesn't it? I reccomend this meal for those who are looking for comfort food that's actually flavorful. And for the rest of you: find a soul you heartless animal.

Nong Shim Kim Chi Bowl Noodles

2007-03-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

Price: $.80
Rating: *** / *****

While playing poker, a friend of a friend told me that his idea of a perfect lunch was a cup of noodles and a sandwich. Apart they are nothing more than common food...but together, they bring balance and contrast to make your meal interesting. I, being rather drunk at the time, found his statement to be incredibly profound. So profound, in fact, that I loudly declared that I was stealing his idea to write a review. Well, fast forward a few months and I finally wrote it. Since I have already reviewed cup noodles in the past, I decided to go with bowl of noodles to try this little experiment. To make it a meal, I ate it with a Vietnamese sandwich made with barbecued pork, pickled daikon and carrots, jalapenos, cilantro, and French bread(I'll probably review that sometime too).

So this is truly a cheap meal...costing less than 3 dollars in all and big enough to fill the biggest appetites for breakfast or lunch. For those of you not familiar with the Korean treat known as kimchi, it is basically brined cabbage that is traditionally fermented for a long period of time in large jars. Magically, it comes out crunchy and extremely spicy. This may or may not sound appetizing, but either way, this soup mix for the noodles don't really taste like kimchi. It's basically a spicy broth that'll probably burn your mouth if you put the whole packet in. I, being a wuss, usually only use 3/4ths of the soup powder. It doesn't make me any less of a man, it just means that I have sensitive lips. No, I don't think that last sentence sounded queer at all. Anyways, the lesson is: add accordingly!

The appeal of noodles in a plastic bowl is that they're noodles in a plastic bowl. By definition, there is nothing that tops that in the awesomeness or convenience meter. The best ones are the ones that come with a fold-up fork that can barely lift a few strands of noodles at a time. It is extremely impractical, but the novelty value alone is worth the price of purchase. While most ramen noodles come in the form of a brick, these noodles are shaped like a small discus and are packaged with a single seasoning pouch. I noticed that the ubiquitous pouch of fat was missing in this particular brand. The texture is also quite a bit different from regular instant noodles. I found them to be rather soft, though they held up quite well and didn't inflate with the soup as most noodles do. It was different, but pretty good. I prefer a little more texture in my noodles.

In the end, I find my life basically unchanged. This experience did not give me an epiphany as I hoped it would, but I must say that this and the Vietnamese sandwich it made for a pretty good combination. Try this instead of the usual tomato soup/grilled cheese combo sometime.

McDonalds Deluxe Breakfast

2007-03-03T22:12:00.000-08:00

Price: $4.69 (I'm for it too. ::Rimshot::)
Rating: ** / *****

I go to McDonalds roughly 5 times a day(for this reason I was unimpressed with the premise of Super Size Me) but rarely have I ordered anything off of their breakfast menu. Here's a sad, sad fact: I once asked for a chicken sandwich at 10:00 a.m., but since they weren't serving lunch until 10:30 I just parked my car until I could get my hands on one. It was worth it. So since I've never actually eaten a Deluxe Breakfast at McDonalds, I thought I'd review it for you fine people.

I would call it breakfast for lazy people, but then they came out with the McGriddle and turned my whole world upside down. Not only are people too lazy to cook their own breakfast, now they're too lazy to eat their own breakfast. The next step? The McSyringe: the only meal you'll have an excuse for not sharing! I'm lovin' it.

I ordered it with orange juice as I am a wuss who didn't want to singe his taste buds early in the morning. Along with that, I was handed a ridiculously sized bag with handles on it. I opened it to see the contents: a covered styrofoam plate, a bag with a hash brown in it, two thing-a-mabubs of butter, and what looked to be a half pint of syrup. I made sure not to open the plate, as that would've released the smell into my pristine car, but it was no use. The smell was intoxicating...not in a good way, but in a carbon monoxide type of way. The drive from McDonalds to school is less than five minutes and I still had to put the windows down to ensure that I wouldn't collapse in a heap onto the steering wheel.

Despite being light-headed from the contents of the bag(which should have been my first warning), I proceeded to walk to the food court and have a seat with my giant bag of McDonalds. Along the way I saw people looking at my prize in amazement, I knew they envied me in this way. The whispers permeated the air and greeted my waiting ears.

("Oh my God! That guy has McDonalds..." "Where'd he get that huge bag of food? I'm stuck with a sandwich..." "I...I must have him...")

Ah, to be young and powerful.

Now where was I?

...

Oh yeah, I had a seat and opened the mystery box of breakfast goodies. What greeted me were eggs, a single strip of bacon, a sausage patty, an English muffin, and two pancakes. With the addition of the hash brown, it was complete. To be honest, I've had way bigger breakfasts in diners. "How dare you call yourself deluxe?" I asked out loud. I scoffed at the name and proceeded to dig into what I felt would be an easy conquest.

Let me tell you something: the Deluxe Breakfast doesn't take any shit from internet food critics. McDonalds apparently found a way to condense a dozen eggs into the size of a playing card, because those were the densest and most filling eggs I've ever had. The pancakes, draped in syrup and dabbed with butter, managed to beat me into submission before I got halfway through it. The oily hash brown seemed to be impossible to stomach as it seemed to be poached in a vat of oil for about 2 hours too long. I didn't even manage to finish the single strip of bacon presented to me. It haunts me still, that bacon, which I foolishly nibbled on before being emasculated from the rest of the meal.

I only managed to finish about half. So I guess it is deluxe after all. I wouldn't say that it's bad per se, but the combination of ultra-thick and overcooked eggs along with oily hash browns makes it unworthy of a purchase. For the price, you can get much better breakfasts elsewhere. I guess this one has the advantage of coming in a wickedly cool styrofoam container, but that can't be too environmentally sound. Plus, you run the risk of wrapping your car around a telephone pole if you are driving in a closed vehicle with this thing. Do yourself a favor and avoid the Deluxe Breakfast if you value your consciousness or your stomach.

Claim Jumper Chicken and Biscuits

2007-02-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

Price: $13.50
Rating: *** / *****

That's a half portion. I was afraid that there wouldn't be enough food.

...

I was afraid that there wouldn't be enough food.

Claim Jumper doesn't list nutritional information on their website. Do you want to know why? Because we haven't invented numbers that go that high. It's funny that people sue McDonalds for making them fat when reputable sit-down restaurants give you the same thing with five times the portions. Well I'm suing Claim Jumper for making me fat! But I can't complain too much, I don't go to Claim Jumper for diet food. Actually, I don't go anywhere for diet food, but especially not Claim Jumper.

I went with a few hungry friends and was eager to eat since we were having a relatively late lunch. Almost everything on the menu looked good, so the waiter passed by around three times to see if I would ever decide on what to get. Finally, he offered me some recommendations.

"...well, what I like is the Pot Roast, that's really good. My personal favorite is the Chicken and Biscuits, we do it fried southern style. It’s the best. The meatloaf is awesome, we serve it with the mashed potatoes. Uhh...the roast chicken's good, the salmon comes out great. My favorite appetizer is the southwestern rolls. The crab cake is out of this world, you can probably eat that as an entree..."

I looked down at my cell phone and sent a few text messages out. A decent amount of time passed.

"...uhh, the ribs will melt in your mouth. If you want, we have lots of cuts of steak cut fresh right here..."

Holy shit, dude, you just recited the entire menu! That's not a recommendation, that's a soliloquy. He seemed like a nice guy, I couldn’t blame him for trying. I remember him saying his favorite was chicken and biscuits, so I went for that.

Here's the meal: a giant deep fried chicken breast, two biscuits bigger than your fist, a mound of smashed potatoes, and enough country gravy to drown a small child. It also comes with half a cup of butter...you know, for dipping or something if you were planning to commit suicide. The green you see on the plate is the garnish.

The chicken was pretty damn good - juicy, crispy, and drowning in a decadent and thick gravy. This was excellent. The biscuits were unusually sweet and didn’t have that melt-in-your-mouth texture that I would expect. Dare I say...a little tough? Not enough lard or too much kneading, I'd say. The potatoes were smashed skin-on and apparently had cream added to them. I thought it tasted okay, but I must point out that it was rather gummy tasting and that the texture really detracted from the meal.

The meal ended up being nearly 20 dollars after the drink and tip, which is way too much for a rustic meal such as this. The chicken was good, but not good enough to make me break the bank. I'm not sure what a Claim Jumper is exactly, but their claim to fame is apparently quantity over quality.

Double Review: Veggie Noodles and Egg Rolls

2007-02-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

Buddhist Temple Bun Rieu
Price: Free
Rating: **** / *****

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

This is the year of the pig, which is fitting for a man of great gluttony such as myself. Not only is everyone freakishly cheery on this occasion, but it's also the time of the year to receive money in red envelopes from older adults. It's generally a good time all around.

Like Randy Moss says: Straight cash, homey.

For my family, Chinese New Year starts with a trip to the Buddhist temple in the morning. I am an atheist at heart, but the Buddhist temple is welcoming to anyone who will show up. A cool thing about this one is that volunteers serve free vegetarian food and sell some fancier foods with the proceeds going to the temple. Knowing this, you might think that the food is throwaway stuff meant as an unappetizing gesture of kindness for the public. Well, you'd be a fool.

The food is actually shockingly good. I almost never have vegetarian food, but I would eat this stuff every day if someone made it for me. There I had stir fried mushroom and tofu, noodles with tofu and vegetables, vegetable rice porridge, and this bun rieu, which is Vietnamese for noodle soup. Regular bun rieu has things like crab brains, pork blood, and sausage, but this vegetarian variety has tofu, tomatoes, and fresh cabbage in a savory soup. After mixing everything together, the thin rice noodles are slurped up and thoroughly enjoyed by one hungry reviewer. The tomato brings flavor and texture, the cabbage brings a crunch, and the tofu gives it substance. This was a simple bowl of noodles that really hit the spot.

Buddhist Temple Egg Rolls
Price: $.50 per egg roll
Rating: ***** / *****

I can't get over how awesome these things are. These are by far my favorite egg rolls ever and there's no meat to be found anywhere. I know, I was shocked too. Deep fried(aren't all good things in life deep fried?) and piping hot, these crispy beauties are unlike anything I've tasted. It is comprised of extremely thinly sliced carrots, glass noodles, tofu, corn, green onions, and mushrooms. Not only are they extremely tasty, they're also light on the inside so you'll want to keep eating more whereas regular egg rolls leave you uncomfortably stuffed. Try using the ingredients I listed and make it at home, I guarantee they'll be a hit for omnivores and vegans alike.

Banquet "Hearty One" Turkey Dinner

2007-02-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

Price: $1.68
Rating: *** / *****

Food for thought: doesn't it kind of look like Pac-Man when it comes out of the microwave?

I went to the local Food-4-Less and noticed some Banquet "Hearty One, No We Didn't Rip Off Hungry-Man, This Was a Simple Coincidence" Meals on sale. Seeing as they are the same weight as Hungry-Man's for about half the price, I thought I struck a gold mine. A gravy-filled, salty gold mine. Alas, my excitement might have been a bit premature.

How does this stack up to Swanson's turkey dinner?

Not particularly well, I must say. While it tasted fine, the stuffing wasn't flavorful and basically looked like unseasoned cubes of bread that were tossed in under the turkey and gravy. It looked that way because it WAS that way. Now I'm no stuffing snob, but when you don't bother to add a few measly pieces of onion, celery, or seasoning, it's a slap in my face. Mark my words, Consumer Reports: Banquet slapped me in the face!

But like tying your shoes in the middle of a crowd or having to say the word "venti" at a Starbucks, you soon get over the necessary humiliation. What I've learned from doing this blog is that you get what you pay for most of the time. I also learned this after being tricked by Matthew Lesko, but that's another rant for another blog.

The unnaturally soft and texture-free turkey was fine and there was enough of it to fill me up. It comes with 4 slices of white meat and 2 slices of dark meat. I think I learned in sociology that this is called "pervasive racism", but I may be taking it out of context here. The peas were pleasantly plump, though not particularly flavorful or exciting. I understand that the British like to mash their peas, but I already had one mashed vegetable so I opted not to try this wacky experiment. The mashed potatoes are mashed potatoes.

It's unspectacular, but it's really cheap and will fill you up. Pick some up for the days when you want lunch to tide you over for dinner, but don't have high expectations.

Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Carl's Jr.

2007-02-05T00:06:00.000-08:00

Price: $.99
Rating: *** / *****

Ho...ly...shit.

When did mayonnaise stop becoming a condiment and start becoming a main ingredient? I didn't even notice how much there was until I deconstructed it.

As you can see, EVERYTHING has mayo on it. Both pieces of lettuce, the chicken, and both sides of the bun. And this isn't just a little smattering, they basically dipped the stuff in it.

I came to Carl's Jr. to sit down, eat, and listen to podcasts like most school days. Something was off, though. The cashier seemed to be messing with me. She was relatively cute and shockingly chipper, which should have tipped me off. I firmly believe the dousing of mayo was a cruel joke.

"What will you be having sir?"
"I'll have a spicy chicken...and a small...a small...(Holy shit, she's making eye contact...eye contact! I hate eye contact.)...Pepsi."
"Okay, and will that be for here or to go?"
"Uhh...do YOU come with the sandwich?"
"Excuse me?"

I usually screw things up in the end.

I feel that no person in food service should ever look more than half alive. The cashier who always looks pissed off and like he just killed a hooker ten minutes ago is my favorite...no small talk, no smiling - just the way it should be. Me, being a slob, ordered a mayonnaise sandwich for breakfast. This shouldn't be legal in the state of California, but nonetheless my school's Carl's Jr. serves all of their menu during breakfast. Besides making for interesting stomach and heart pains, it also messes up the culinary cycle. All around, this was a bad idea.

Other than the mayo, it's a good deal for under a dollar(I don't get taxed with my student ID...saving 8 cents rules!) even if the chicken is processed. It's all you can expect. It's big enough to fill you up and actually tastes like something. It's relatively flavorful, too, though probably impossible to eat without a drink considering the sodium level.

I must say that the Spicy Chicken is the last $.99 cent chicken sandwich that I can still eat since the Cajun McChicken(yes, I really did sign the petition) went off the market. It usually isn't mayo'd up this much, so I will try and give it a pass if I survive. I wish it came with more lettuce, though. I usually request extra lettuce because this stuff has enough fat and salt to effectively need a "keep out of reach of children" label on it.

Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken Caesar

2007-01-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

Price: $2.00
Rating: *** / *****

Another Lean Cuisine review, or "gay food" as a friend of mine calls it. There's just so many of them, I feel compelled to try them. Though Lean Cuisine sometimes fails to deliver on taste or portion size, it usually comes out looking the way it does in the picture. This meal is no exception. It is "grilled white meat chicken with broccoli and garlic flavored radiatore pasta in a parmesan-caesar sauce". I had never heard of this type of pasta, but it looks like a shape that you would find in a limited edition Power Rangers pasta can. There are also some pieces of red bell pepper thrown in for good measure. This is not a surprise, as Lean Cuisine seems to put red bell pepper into every meal to make them seem more colorful than they would normally be.

I, however, see right through this. This is especially concerning when they add it to dishes that should have nothing to do with red bell pepper. This would be fine if bell peppers didn't have such a distinctly bell pepper flavor. Someone needs to a create red parsley or something...an herb that adds color to everything but doesn't offend any taste buds. I'm also waiting for my strawberry sushi, GMC scientists!

But while the garnish is a knock, the chicken actually tastes pretty good. It appears to be grilled(or run through a blistering tunnel...I'm not convinced that there are chefs firing up grills for these things) and well-seasoned...and isn't processed chicken cubes! I've spent too many years eating Banquet turkey meals...this "real meat" business is such a shock to the system.

The sauce is very different from typical creamy pasta sauces. The sauce was slightly tangier than I had expected. I was thinking that it would be like an alfredo sauce, but the consistency and taste is closer to a salad dressing. This is not necessarily bad, as the broccoli helps to cut this and helps with texture contrast. The meal is alright...but there are many better chicken and pasta options. Try it if you want a tangy change of pace.

Ham and Cheese Pocket from Champagne Bakery

2007-01-21T16:19:00.000-08:00

Price: 1 for $1.00 or 6 for $5.00
Rating: ***** / *****

When I was a younger child, my mother would take me to the Asian Garden Mall for a treat when I needed one. This, unfortunately, was all too often. But it also led me to my appreciation for the ham and cheese pocket. It comes from the fine people at the Champagne Bakery, a small little shop located in the mall. They also sell tons of other baked goods and many varieties of pockets(cream cheese, barbecue pork, shredded chicken, and the scare-inducing hot dog and cheese) made fresh daily, but none compare to this one.

After you've had this ham and cheese delight, you'll never walk down the freezer aisle of your supermarket again without flipping out and knocking over all of the Hot Pockets. "Lies!!! Lies!!!" you'll scream as you're flailing down the store before the security comes and drags you away. The pocket here truly does put everything else to shame. The bread tastes as divine as a cherub's cloud. And as soft as a cherub's ass, too...as I am told by popular media, of course, I have never seen or felt a cherub personally. It is a wonderfully decadent wonder of butter, flour, and shortening that makes the pocket crave-worthy. It is slightly sweet, but the sweetness is very subtle and isn't overwhelming like supermarket or fast food bread.

Inside the bread is a perfect amount of real cheddar cheese and a delicate ham that doesn't knock your mouth out with saltiness. Everything is wonderfully balanced and goes great with each other.

...

Damn, I could go for another one right now.

Amy's Pesto Tortellini

2007-01-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

Price: $3.49
Rating: **** / *****

Amy disappointed me last time, but I decided to give her another chance. She happened to offer me pesto tortellini this time, a meal which certainly sounds light and delicious. The dish itself is pretty good, but I am more interested in the back story involved with the product. To make the product and company seem wholesome, there is a completely contrived and strange story behind every box. This one claimed that their chefs invented it for Amy's 15th birthday when they wanted something good and healthy that all the kiddies would like.

Let's think about this for a second...are we to believe that a team of chefs were cooking for a girl's birthday party and they didn't think of a dish until the last minute? Even the dish itself, pesto tortellini, is not some original invention. Pesto and pasta...incredible! The whole situation makes for creepy stuff, it leads me to believe that "Amy" is either a byproduct of years of human testing or a robot acronym A.M.Y. which stands for something insidious. Was it Amy's that developed such oddities as pheromone spray and the food dehydrator? So many mysteries left unsolved.

But there are things more important than speculating about the origin of the company. Most notably, the food. The pesto tortellini was plentiful and stayed tender throughout the microwaving process. The trick is to mix it about halfway through so that all the pasta is covered and the edges do not get burnt. The best thing about the dish is that the tortellini is packed with creamy cheese, not like those crappy frozen tortellinis you buy where there's nothing in them but some waterlogged curds along with the sour taste of disappointment. None of the tortellinis broke either, which is an accomplishment I have never seen before in a frozen dinner.

The basil in the pesto has a slight medicinal quality to it, but is fine overall. I have tried a few types of pesto and prefer the heavier versions, but this one is a lighter one, which is good if you're into that kind of thing. And it's organic, so you know it must be good for you! Try it, it'll make you feel better about your life in between the hits of heroin.

Double Review: Crab Udon and Crab Shumai

2007-01-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

Myojo Crab Udon Noodles
Price: $.33
Rating: **** / *****

The noodles come in a myriad of flavors ranging from hot and sour to mushroom. As a seafood enthusiast, I decided to pick up the crab variety. I feared that it would be something like that crab juice Homer bought from the Khal-Khalash stand in New York. I thought about how crab possibly couldn't be translated into soup form, especially from a packet of powder and some bare noodles. In my head, it was going to be over-the-top pungent or taste more like tree bark than crab meat. Don't ask me why I know what tree bark tastes like.

So I prepared the noodles as directed, by dropping it in some simmering water and bringing it to a boil with the soup mix. There were little flakes of what appeared to be crab, but it really only showed up in trace amounts. That was okay, though, as the flavor was very mild yet distinctly crabby. If you've ever eaten a whole crab that's been boiled or steamed, you'll know that it can be messy. The soup tastes like what you slurp out of a crab in a very pleasant way. But then again, my favorite part is the crab brains, so I'm not sure if my tastes would appeal to everyone. I know I'm probably making it sound disgusting, but let's just say it has essence of crab down pat!

The noodles stayed firm throughout the cooking process but had no chewiness whatsoever when eaten with the soup. There really isn't enough substance to eat it by itself, though. Compared to ramen noodles, it is a bit lacking in texture and versatility. I really recommend buying a few of these packets and seeing which flavors you like. It's cheap and a nice change of pace from the regular ramen foodstuffs. I find that it goes best with a nice compliment though...would that be shumai?

Ajinomoto Seafood Shumai w/ Crab Meat
Price: $2.78 for 15
Rating: ** / *****

Well, I've had some good frozen shumai, but this isn't it. This is odd, considering that this company makes a shrimp variety that I really like. However, crab is literally a completely different animal. Since crab is more expensive, I discovered that there is very little actual crab in these little dumplings. Most of the crab actually comes from imitation crab meat, which is a mysterious entity made of pollack and the dreams of our youth.

Upon opening the microwave, the first thing I noticed is that it smelled like I had thrown a few whole onions in there. Indeed, it tasted and smelled strongly of onion...probably because onion is the first ingredient in the filling! Yuck. Onion wasn't even mentioned on the front of the box. Still, I finished my serving with the udon and masked the taste with soy sauce, though my breath could not be masked at all.

Benihana Marina

2007-01-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

Benihana Marina
Price: $26.99
Rating: *** / *****
Since it was free: ***** / *****

I resented and hated them, the screech of their cackling was resonating against the building fury of my hunger and anguish.

"You bitch!" I shouted in the middle of the Staples.

The manager came up to me, "Insane fantasy episode of your friends making fun of you at lunch while you're making your third trip around Staples pretending to look for a USB cord?"

"Fucking right," I proclaimed.

He nodded knowingly, "Right this way, sir." The billowing doors opened and I stepped through without a fight.

And that's the story of how I ended up institutionalized the first time. Wait...actually, this was the time I went to Benihana's with my good pals Pillin and Ariana. You see, I was supposed to take them there for a work banquet and then find a way to kill time and wait for them. So after dropping them off, I moped around inside a Staples across the street to kill time. Soon after my third trip around Staples, however, I got a phone call from Ariana and it wasn't her telling me to go buy one of those ridiculous easy buttons that were on sale. She said to come join them. Awesome. Apparently her boss wasn't paying any attention so I could sneak in, eat, and make him pay the tab without ever having to meet the guy. Kind of like ninja-eating, though I'm not sure ninjas wore glasses. That may have been embellished a bit, but that was the general timeline of the day.

After the chef person came out, I ordered the Benihana Marina. The menu said that the Benihana Marina came with scallops, calamari, and shrimp. To my surprise, the chefman threw down some fish on the hibachi instead of calamari. I thought that I had read the menu wrong, but I looked it up online and indeed, the calamari was somehow replaced with fish. Damn. Well, that just threw the whole thing off. The delightfully rubbery texture of the squid would've made for a more interesting meal. What I got instead was ho-hum fish that was very forgettable.

The first course handed out was a simple mushroom broth garnished with fried onion pieces. It was mild and nice, but nothing out of the ordinary.

We also got a salad doused with Asian dressing, which I'm not a big fan of. The bitterness made it rather inedible and it was nothing more than filler for the real food. Eventually, the teppanyaki chef started preparing a simple chicken fried rice that was quite delectable. I appreciated the fact that he teased the small child at the table with a bowl trick, as tormenting young children never grows old. He went on to prepare my meal and make those fascinating onion volcanos.

As mentioned before, the fish was nothing special, I found it to be a bit bland and too firm for my liking. I like my fish either fried or steamed. The shrimp was...eh, I eat shrimp all the time so it was nothing special. Not to say that it wasn't good and well cooked, but I wasn't in love with it. I thought the best part of the meal was the scallops. They were done just right, firm but soft to the tooth and not at all overcooked. I could eat those scallops with the fried rice all day. I ended up stealing some of Pillin's steak, and that stuff melts in your mouth. That was excellent stuff.

(here is a picture of Pillin happily eating fried rice and Ariana cringing at the thought of being around me.)

Overall, it was a very good experience that could've used a bit more food flinging and perhaps some live fireworks. I was disappointed that I got fish instead of calamari, but that was a simple mistake. The other main courses were tasty, if not overpriced, and I would gladly go again, especially if it were on the house.

P.S. - Happy New Year, everybody. Hope you all had a good time, I know I did.