Heritage Counseling Center

HELPcast: Shame Off You Part II

2012-01-22T12:19:00.001-08:00

New Year! New You! New Marriage?!

2012-01-16T13:03:00.000-08:00

A New Year is here and I am sure many of you have alreadybegun to make New Year’s Resolutions. For some, you may have resolved to eatless, exercise more, make more money, get on a budget, or get into a good habitof reading the Bible. Have youconsidered making a resolution to have a great marriage in 2012?

With 50% of first-time marriages, 67% of second marriagesand 74% of third marriages ending in divorce, there has never been a bettertime to re-new your commitment to your spouse.

In my work with couples, I frequently hear, “I just can’t doit anymore. I can’t invest anymore timehoping that my spouse will change and then he/ she doesn’t. I just don’t know if I can risk itagain”. If you’ve had a marriage filledwith infidelity, abuse, hurts, rejection, or neglect it makes sense that youmay feel like giving up.

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF THAT. GOD IS CAPABLE OF MORE THAN WE CAN EVERIMAGINE.

So I’m sure many of you are still thinking, “I know God’scapable, but he hasn’t changed my husband or wife yet. Doesn’t a person have to be willing to bechanged?” Yes. A person does have to be willing to bechanged. God works in partnership withus. We have to be willing to submit andto be filled with the Holy Spirit and He will do the rest. My question to you is, “Have youchanged? Have you truly sought God? Have you submitted to God’s plan for yourmarriage?

My guess is that you have tried to submit to God’s will butmaybe you have grown exhausted waiting. Maybe bitterness and resentment have begun to take root. Maybe you have become numb and can no longereven put forth the effort. Maybe yourspouse has begun to change but you can no longer recognize the changes.

I would encourage you to spend less time focusing on yourspouse’s behavior and more time focusing on your behavior. InMatthew 7:5, we are instructed to “First get rid of the log in your owneye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in yourfriend’s eye.”

So, what are on the logs in your own eyes? What do you need to change to be the bestspouse you can be? Let’s look toscripture to see who God is and what we can learn about His love.

God Gives Value (Ephesians 2:10). Find ways to make your spouse feelimportant to you. Take interest in thethings he/she are interested in. Dothings for your spouse that he/she enjoys. Make a decision everyday to love your spouse.

God Seeks Intimacy (Revelation 3:20). Make sure to make your marriage apriority. A strong marriage tricklesdown to the rest of the family and brings security to the children. It is important to have regular times toconnect. Try to go on one date at leastonce per month. If you aren’t able tohave a date outside of the home, be creative; play a game, have a candlelightdinner after the kids are in bed, watch a movie together.

God Affirms and Encourages (Romans 8:28). Make acommitment to use words only that build each other up. No name calling, yelling, or using putdowns. Pray with your spouse and foryour spouse when they are stressed or having a bad day.

God Supports and Protects (Deuteronomy 33:27). Be sure to surround yourself with friends andfamily who are on the side of your marriage. Never speak bad of your spouse to others and do not let others speak badof your spouse. Nothing will destroy amarriage faster than adding fuel to an already smoldering fire.

God Forgives (1 John 1:9). Forgive, forgive, forgive, and when you leastfeel like it, forgive again!

God Is Just and Merciful (Psalm 103:8-10). Be compassionate of your spouse’s past.Realize that he/ she may have had some deep wounds that were there before youcame along. Try not to take itpersonally.

God is Faithful and Trustworthy (Psalm119:90). Do what you say you’re goingto do. Don’t put yourself in positionswhere you can be tempted. Don’t allowpornography or an extra-marital relationship to be an option.

God Shows Unconditional Love (Lamentations3:22-23). Be your spouse’s biggestfan. Love your husband/ wife even whenhe/ she is unloving or unlovable. AskGod to help you to see your spouse the way that He does.

God Expresses an Enduring Commitment (Ephesians3:18). Remember the vow that youmade before God…to love for better and for worse. Never use the divorce word in your home.

Be in the Word. Be in relationship with God. Ask Him to change you and to show you whatyou need to be doing differently. When you ask yourself, “Why should I be theone to change after all the things my spouse has done to me?” My answer is, “Why not? It only takes one person to take the firststep to do the right thing. Why shouldn’t it be you?”

When you tell yourself, “I don’t think I can take the riskagain.” My answer to you is, “Can you take the risk not to make your marriage apriority?”

Focus on yourself. Stop trying to change your spouse. Get out of the way and let God make your spouse the person you alwaysdreamed he / she could be.

Written by Tracy Bell, LCPC

Shame Off You: Learning to Cope with Shame & Loss During the Holiday Season

2011-12-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Heaven is For Real; A Book Review

2011-12-05T08:52:00.001-08:00

When I first heard of Heaven is For Real, by Todd Burpo, Iwas skeptical to say the least. My mother, who does not subscribe to theChristian or any faith, was the one to bring it to my attention. I assumed itwas one of those vaguely "spiritual" feel good books. Still, itintrigued me, so I started to look into it. After a little research and readingbook reviews like this one, I decided it was worth a read, or a listen, onaudiobook. I am glad I did.

Heaven is for Real is the true story of the Burpo family.Todd Burpo is a pastor of a small church in Nebraska. It is so small that he alsoowned a garage door business to make ends meet. From the telling in the book,he was content with his small town life, but God had other plans for him; or,more specifically, for his then four-year-old son Colton. Thru a series ofevents laid out in detail in the book, Colton had a near-death experience whilebeing treated for a burst appendix. Four months later, the sight of thehospital triggered Colton to start talking about meeting Jesus while he wasthere. Gradually, Colton comes out with the story of his trip to Heaven andback, and the things he saw and did while there. This all happened while he wason the operating table having the remains of his appendix removed.

Several things that were detailed in the book make mebelieve little Colton's story. He was only 4 when this happened to him, andhaving a 4 year old myself I understand that they don't always know thedifference between fantasy and reality. But Colton provided details that nofour-year-old would know, from a description of his long-dead grandfather, nowa younger man in Heaven, to the nail scarred hands of Christ (which hedescribed as being like the lines left behind by markers). He talked about therainbow in the throne room of God, and about meeting his sister whom his motherhad miscarried. He had never been told of the miscarriage. Most of the factsportrayed either matched scripture or family history. The few that did not werenot specifically addressed in scripture, and therefore could very well be true.

I also appreciated that his parents chose not to ask leadingquestions, but to probe for details as Colton brought them up. That way, theywere less likely to taint the telling with their own version of events.Children, as we all know, are very susceptible to the influences of others, andwill sometimes change their story. The Burpos tried to avoid this to the extentpossible. For this reason, it took a number of years for the whole story tocome out. And while details were added over time, no detail changed from anearlier telling, even the few times his father tried to trip him up.

So why read this book? I have often heard it said that if wereally understood Heaven, we wouldn't take our problems here on Earth soseriously. I think that is true. I also think it can help make us less afraidof dying if we know what, and who, is waiting for us on the other side. It canalso give reassurances for people who have lost loved ones, even unborn babies,that we truly will see them again. It is told in a story form, and thereforecan be very accessible to most people, even young people. I have even been ableto answer some of my four-year-old's questions better after reading Colton'sperspective. Is this scripture? No. It is fallible. But perhaps God did want tosend us a message of hope, and found an ambassador in this young man. Perhapsthe most compelling reason to read it is in Colton's own words. When asked whathe most wanted people to know from his story, Colton, now age 10, answered,"I want them to know that Heaven is for real."

Written by Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

Does God Want Me To Be Happy?

2011-08-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

I came across a quote recently that I felt summed up the answer to thisquestion that I hear so often in therapy. The quote is from
Leo Rosten, who, asfar as I can tell, was Jewish and therefore holds a similar but not completelyChristian worldview. However, I still find wisdom in his words.

I cannot believe the purpose of life is to be "happy." I think thepurpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is,above all, to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made somedifference that you lived at all.

Let's break down this quote to see what lessons we can learn. First of all,we'll look at the concept of happiness. Many people enter therapy with the goalof being happy. But what does that mean? Will we ever truly be happy? Would weeven know if we were?

Webster defines being happy as "enjoying or characterized by well-being orcontentment." Does that help? I'm not sure it does. Contentment seems evenmore elusive. How can I be content when I live in this house and mybrother lives in that one? When I am working at this job when I deservea promotion? When I am single or childless? When I don't wear the rightclothes, send my kids to the right schools, or, well, you get the point. Thepursuit of happiness is often the pursuit of stuff or status.Since there is always more and newer stuff and greater prestige to be obtained,how can we be truly happy, much less content, with our lot in life?

I think that is why our author says that the purpose of life cannot behappiness. The pursuit of stuff can never make you happy anyway. So let's lookat what he does put forth as a worthwhile goal.

What would life look like if we could honestly describe ourselves as useful andresponsible. Not just during a job interview, but to really mean it. We wouldbe people that others could count on. Our word would mean something. When wesaid it would get done, it would get done. Period. No excuses. When we messedup, as even responsible and useful people must sometimes do, we’d own up to it.Mr. Rosten also lists compassion as one of the purposes of life. So while weapparently will have it all together, and hold ourselves to this pretty high standard,we can still be understanding of others who are struggling to arrive here. Thisisn’t someone sitting on their high horse looking down on everyone. To havecompassion is to have sympathy for others, and to allow that sympathy to moveus to make their lives better.

If those things were true of us, I’m guessing the second part of the statementwouldn’t be far behind. This is the kind of person who leaves an impression onothers for the better, who leaves the world a little better than they found it.Someone who, when they leave a position, a neighborhood, or this earth, peoplesay they will miss (and they mean it!) This is definitely someone who matters,counts, and stands for something.

As I said, this author was not Christian, so let’s see what the Bible has tosay about his standards for the “purpose of life.”

Solomon, the wise man of the bible, actually has quite a bit to say abouthappiness. He certainly doesn’t seem to be against it. He says such things as,“I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do goodwhile they live,” and that when someone is blessed with material goods, thatthey should “accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift ofGod.” However, he does seem to agree that happiness is not the goal in life.First off, note in the quotation above that happiness is included with anaction, doing good. It matters not just that you are happy, but what youare doing with and for your happiness. He also goes on to state,“When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God hasmade the one as well as the other. “ So the notion that God wants us to bemerely happy does not seem to apply here. Elsewhere he says that the youngshould be happy, but admonishes them that they will pay consequences if they,in so doing, make negative choices.

But what of our Leo’s definition of what the purpose of life is: thatgreat person of value who is both task oriented (useful) and people oriented(compassionate), who matters and leaves his mark on the world? Would the Bibleagree that we should strive for these things?

The apostle Paul wrote to Timothy about the need to be “instruments for specialpurposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any goodwork.” So being useful is important, especially being useful to God. The Bibleis full of our responsibilities toward God and each other, as well aswarnings about consequences that will befall us if we do not follow thru withour responsibilities. So it is safe to say that God wants us to be responsibleto live our life according to these statutes, as Paul put it, a life “worthy ofthe calling you have received.” God uses the word compassionate todescribe himself when he reveals his name and his nature to Moses. He alsocharges us with showing compassion to others, in being a good neighbor, in“loving others as ourselves.”

You may have noticed, however, that just being useful isn’t enough, you must beuseful to “the Master.” And being responsible isn’t enough. You must beresponsible in the things God has laid out for you to do. Our compassion forothers stems from our desire to be like our Lord, and out of gratitude for thecompassion that he has first bestowed upon us. So, yes, I believe the Biblewould agree with Leo Rosten’s assessment as to the purpose of life, with thecaveat that you must not just stand for something, but that you muststand for someone, namely God. And you know what? You do all that and,my guess is, you’ll also find that happiness that you were looking for in thefirst place.

Written by Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

More Than We Can Handle?

2011-06-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

When comforting those who are struggling under the weight oflife’s difficulties, it is crucial to provide sound encouragement that will notonly relieve the sufferer, but do so in a way that is in line with God’s truth.It is truly surprising how often the advice
or direction provided by thoseattempting to console others has no root—or extremely weak roots—in Scripture.

Several colloquial sound bytes work their way intocontemporary Christian belief systems and damage a proper Christian worldview(i.e. Try juxtaposing “God helps those who help themselves” with Romans 5:8),but there is one particular destructive phrase worthy of attention that hasrecently grown in popularity and use:

“God will never give me more than I can handle.”

This idiom is often expressed as a reassuring response tolife’s challenges as if it were a rock-solid promise that is fortified bybiblical truth. When sharing one’s difficulties with a friend, it would not beuncommon to hear him or her confidently say, “Well, God won’t give you morethan you can handle.” But is this true? Would God never choose to put you in asituation that is too much for you to manage?

Though this phrase may feel like a familiar passage ofScripture, its foundational premise conflicts with biblical truth, and itslogical outworking actually supports an individualistic worldview, underminingwhat God’s word reveals regarding surrender and trust. The saying is mostlikely a poor paraphrasing from 1 Corinthians 10:13, where the apostle Paulstates, “And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what youcan bear.”

The significant difference between this passage of scriptureand the aforementioned phrase is that Paul’s words declare the Lord’s provisionof an escape route in times of temptation, not necessarily his willingness toshelter people from overwhelming circumstances. Very often God does, in fact,give us more than we can handle in this life—though not without a greaterpurpose in mind.

God uses life’s circumstances to illuminate our need forhim. If it is true that God never gives anyone more than he or she can handle,there would be no felt need for God. No one would seek help because, after all,human power would be sufficient for addressing the entirety of life’s concerns.Those who trust in humanity’s goodness refuse to look externally forassistance, believing that all the necessary strength for proper living comesfrom within the individual. This false gospel of self-sufficiency and humanismpermeates Western culture and stands in opposition to God’s way of surrenderand trust. Alternatively, when an individual comes face to face with thefutility of his own power for managing life, he is compelled to seek a poweroutside of himself. Christians believe that we should put “no confidence in theflesh” (Phil 3:3) when faced with life’s struggles, and instead rely upon theLord, whose “divine power has given us everything we need for life andgodliness” (2 Pet 1:3).

God also places individuals in painful situations in orderto enhance their worship. While the way of the world is to deal with life’sproblems by applying a “just try harder” or “pull yourself up by your ownbootstraps” strategy, God’s way is different. The world sees humanity as fullycapable of withstanding the emotional onslaught faced from living life on thisearth. Those who are in Christ, however, understand that God uses humanineffectiveness and desperation to turn weary hearts toward him. When enteringworship services, participants may occasionally be invited to leave theirproblems and worries at the door. How foolish! It is precisely thosechallenges, crises, and concerns that cause the heart to cry out and recognizeits need to rely more heavily upon the Lord. Authentic worship of God isincreased when we begin to believe and trust that he is able to do what we arepowerless to do. We should come into God’s presence along with life’schallenges, utilizing the feelings of stress and anxiety to draw us to ourknees, acknowledge the deficiency of our own strength, and surrender our livesto His supremely capable hands.

Though God may certainly give you more than you can handlein this life, He will never give you more than He can handle. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Ifyou remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you cando nothing” (John 15:5). This passage implies that Jesus is the source of ourlife, nourishment, and power, and that it is absolutely essential to remainconnected with Christ at all times. When we are cut off from that source ofenergy and strength, we will undoubtedly encounter situations that are toooverwhelming for us to handle through our own abilities. As Paul states inPhilippians 4:13, we can indeed “do all things,” but only “through Christ who strengthens [us].” Perhaps the impossiblesituations in which we find ourselves are intended by God to destroy our sinfulself-reliance and inspire us to renew our commitments to trust Him completelyand abide with Him constantly.

Are you going through a difficult time? Do life’s strugglesseem insurmountable? Have you come to recognize your own inability to changeyour circumstances? Praise God, for you are coming to a place of surrender.When you come to this point of desperation, you have a choice: You can chooseto doubt God’s goodness and strength, thus returning to a futile reliance uponyour own strength, or you can choose, by faith, to wholly surrender to God,trusting Him to provide everything you need to see you through life’s storms.And that is precisely where God wants you—completely and utterly dependent uponHim, who “will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory inChrist Jesus” (Phil 4:19).

Written by Tim Van Dorn, LPC

She Said, He Heard

2011-05-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

“I didn’t get a chance to get your clothes from thedry cleaner today. I will pick them uptomorrow”, Martha told her husband Joe.

“I bet you had time to get your nails done”, Joereplied.

“I knew you didn’t need the clothes for worktomorrow so I didn’t think you’d mind if I waited”, said Martha.

“Of course I mind. Why wouldn’t I mind? You do thisto me all the time”, said Joe.

“Do what to you all the time?” asked Martha.

“I can never count on you,” said Joe.

“What?!! I do everything! I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I grocery shopAND I work full-time too don’t forget.” said Martha “I can’t believe youare acting like such a jerk.”

“Who are you calling a jerk. You’re the jerk. I wish just once I could count on you”responded Joe.

Does this sound like a conversation you may have hadrecently? Do you ever wonder how acomment made so innocently ends with name calling or with someone leaving theroom crying or yelling?

The reality is that what we hear with our ears is notalways what we hear in our head. Everyone has negative, deeply rooted messages playing all of the timethat cause us to misperceive the words of another person. Unfortunately, mostof what we hear is filtered through past emotional wounds such as rejection,hurt, shame, betrayal, or abandonment. When situations are viewed through these negative filters, automatic andfamiliar fight or flight reactions can occur causing further conflict todevelop. Instead of responding to ourpartner, we react to them.

Let’s look at how this applies to Martha and Joe. In the beginning, Martha was simply making anon-threatening, factual comment to her husband. What she did not realize is that one ofJoes’s strongly rooted negative messages is, “Your needs are notimportant”. So when his wife explainedthat she had not picked up his dry cleaning, he heard, “you are not importantenough for me to do a favor for. Yourneeds are not important. When Joe reactedand tried to express his hurt feelings, what he did not realize was that one ofMartha’s strongly rooted negative messages is, “I am a failure.” So, instead of Martha being able to hear theroot of Joe’s hurt, she heard, “once again you can’t do anything right, you area failure.” As the conversationescalated, both Martha and Joe went into fight mode. At this point, they lost the ability to trulyhear beyond the words to get to the heart of each other’s feelings.

The first step to combat this issue is to become aware ofwhat our own negative messages are. Below is a list of negative messages that can cause problems in amarriage if they are not rejected:

I am a failure.

My value is determined by others’ acceptance.

I must do things perfectly.

I’m inadequate.

Others should always respect me.

I will never be happy in this lifetime.

I must be in control.

Others will never approve of me.

I’m unlovable.

I’m unforgivable.

Others cannot be trusted.

I am a disappointment.

I must succeed in order to be loved.

Anything less than perfection is unacceptable.

I’m worthless.

I must always be right.

My behavior determines my worth.

I should always get my way.

I’m helpless.

My needs are not important.

I deserve special treatment.

If any of these negative messages play in your head, it istime to begin the process of refuting the lies. Are these messages that you have come to believe over the years reallytrue? Is your value and worth reallybased on other’s acceptance or on achievements? Are you truly a failure or are you a person who fails at times? Are you really unlovable or have enoughpeople treated you that way over the years that you have come to believe it.

I challenge you to evaluate these negative beliefs againstGod’s Truth. Only then will you findthat you have value because you are a child of God, that He does not makemistakes and that you were wonderfully made in His image.

Tracy Bell, LCPC

A Wall of Safety: Part 2

2011-05-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

In the second part of this article I present to you this exercise to assist you in finding pockets of peace when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed. See if you can find a place to be alone (i.e. parked car, office, basement, closet, wherever possible). The thing that distresses you is what causes the most anxiety or angst at any given moment. This could be your boss’s pressure (or a spouse’s) to get something done, a past traumatic event, any current fear, etc.

They say that we can withstand virtually any amount of stress IF we have time to recover. This provides moments of recovery and calm in the middle of those stressful times. Enjoy…

1) Imagine yourself in a wide open field.

2) Pick one thing distressing you at this time. This is anything that is causing you anxiety (fear) or anger or hurt. You can imagine it as a shadow or darker image. You know what it is so it need not be well defined.

3) In your imagination, put some distance between you and IT. Visually imagine it getting smaller as the distance grows. Remember that this holds what is causing distress to you at this moment.

4) Begin to imagine building a brick wall between you and IT.

5) Work deliberately putting one brick on another. Know that what you fear or troubles you is in the distance.

6) Complete the wall in your own time. It can be quicker or slower but focus on the act of building. See the tools in your hand; the mortar, the bricks. With every brick you lay, the wall grows by several more—wider, taller.

7) Make sure the wall is long enough and high enough to keep you safe from the shadowy image in the distance.

8) Don’t worry about if it is possible or not, let your imagination do it. What distresses you is on the other side of the wall. Accept that you are safely cut off from IT.

9) Take a deep breath and slowly exhale as if to say ‘a job well done’.

10) Be thankful that you are okay in this moment. You can actually say, ‘thank you God for your protection in this moment’.

11) Take another deep breath accepting the safety of that moment.

12) Imagine the safety of the wall while taking another deep breath like a sigh of relief. Inhale slowly, exhale very slowly and controlled. Let your breath fill up your stomach not your chest.

13) Let go of fear, tension, or distress with each breath focusing on the safety of the wall.

14) Sit quietly in the safety of that wall for a few minutes breathing naturally. Don’t forget to assume God’s protective presence throughout this moment. He is with you and He loves you.

Don’t forget your wall as you can paint it or decorate it the next time. Keep this image in your mind and allow yourself to escape what distresses you for a few minutes a few times a day. If you do forget, you can rebuild the wall bigger and better the next time or let your imagination do it differently just for variety sake.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, MACP

A Wall of Safety: Part 1 of 2

2011-04-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

The need for safety is as old as our need for food, water and air. I want to tell you a story that illustrates this need and then give you a little exercise to alleviate anxiety or feeling overwhelmed by whatever distresses you—to bring a sense of safety in a given moment where anxiety is high.

In the Old Testament of the Bible there is a dramatic story of a man named Nehemiah. He was a man who identified with one’s need for safety. He was exiled from his hometown of Jerusalem along with many other Jewish people. While he lived in a distant kingdom (Babylon which is currently Iraq), Nehemiah was given responsibilities with the king. He was the cupbearer. Yes, this meant that he tasted the king’s beverage before the king so as to keep the king safe—a dangerous job.

It was important for him to look happy and content while with the king so the king wouldn’t be depressed or something. If Nehemiah looked too unhappy, the king might feel bad and then Nehemiah would be blamed for getting the king down. Talk about learning to be fake right? Nonetheless, he had to be very aware of his outward expression of what he was feeling inwardly.

The problem with this is Nehemiah was feeling very sad and overwhelmed by the stories he heard about Jerusalem. You must understand, Nehemiah was a patriot at heart. He loved his Jewish country and Jerusalem represented his homeland both spiritually and geographically. The ancient text tells us he sat down and wept when he heard how bad it was. As you can see, nothing has changed even today. He had heard Jerusalem was broken and unsafe. The people left there were in grave danger as well. With this in mind, he still had to do his job with a smile on his face yet he felt moved enough to do something about Jerusalem—even at his own peril.

He made plans to present to the king regardless of the risk. One day, as he was serving the king, he couldn’t hide his feelings anymore and the king confronted him. The Bible says he was very much afraid and prayed under his breath and told the king all that was on his mind. Because the king respected Nehemiah (he was faithful) and with God’s hand on him, Nehemiah was given official letters sending him with supplies to Jerusalem to rebuild its walls. Whew! He was safe. Well actually, his peril was just beginning.

Nehemiah arrived in Jerusalem on a horse and was immediately confronted with the governors of the area who were strongly opposed to what Nehemiah was going to do. He surveyed the area, gathered the people to organize them, prayed often, gave them many pep talks and got started on the work. As soon as they started, these governors mocked and ridiculed Nehemiah and the workers. They even accused Nehemiah of rebelling against the king. It was rough. Nehemiah clung to his confidence in his God saying, “the God of heaven will give us success!”

While there was progress on the walls and the gates, the evil governors, threatened the lives of the workers saying they would be killed or attacked at anytime without warning. The Jews who lived nearby came and told them ten times over, they would be attacked at every turn. Fear was high and the workers were exhausted. They told Nehemiah that the piles of rubble were so huge, the strength of the laborers was giving out. Fear and exhaustion are not happy bedfellows to anyone with high stress.

Nehemiah gave more pep talks and posted guards everywhere while the work progressed. At one point, the laborers had to carry a weapon with them while they worked and half of them had to serve as security which only slowed the progress.

Although this would seem to be enough stress for our courageous friend Nehemiah, more problems presented themselves. The men and their wives told of how their families were hungry and many of them had to mortgage their homes and property to buy enough grain to feed everyone. A famine was threatening the land making food not only scarce but way more expensive. The king taxed them mercilessly as well.

Despite all of the opposition and difficult times, the rebuilding of the wall was completed and at that moment, when the enemies heard about it, they themselves lost confidence and became afraid. Nehemiah and his people now had the safety of the wall surrounding the whole city. It provided a refuge for them and was a powerful symbol of strength.

All of us have our moments when we are overwhelmed with various perceived threats. Anxiety is high. Stress is higher. In this story I find a few instructive details to encourage us. Nehemiah found strength and courage in his God. In the moments where fear was greatest, he prayed and placed trust in the God he prayed to. He also found ways to connect with people he trusted and shared in the work. Finally despite the threats, he continually refocused his efforts on the building of the wall which would bring safety.

In a few days, I will present an exercise that will help provide for you a sense of safety and peace when you are feeling most unsafe or overwhelmed by whatever distresses you.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, MACP

Contentment Killers part 2

2011-04-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

In today’s day and age, people in general are often more invested in their beliefs and agendas than they are in the truth. Because of this, defensive strategies arise that actually prevent any new messages from getting through and being heard. At this point we could spend a considerable amount of time debating on what is truth but that is not the point of this article (maybe some other day). The point of this writing is to consider how blocking these messages or any new information or perspectives can prevent us from experiencing contentment.
We don’t have to believe any new information or perspective, but I think that in most situations it would be wise to at least consider it.

There is the Old Testament story of the evil king Ahab who was contemplating going to war against a nearby enemy (Aram) to take back ownership of a coveted city (Ramoth Gilead). He enlisted the king of his brother-nation Judah to help. The king of that nation was named Jehoshaphat (in God’s eyes he was very phat!). I mean he was considered to be a good king.

Jehoshaphat said to Ahab during some royal meeting of the minds, “before we do anything, we should first seek the counsel of the Lord”. This usually meant consult the prophets who have God’s ear and also speak for God. With this suggestion, Ahab brought together 400 of HIS prophets and asked them, “Shall I go to war against Ramoth Gilead, or shall I refrain?” Of course because these were HIS prophets, Ahab had them trained to say whatever he wanted to hear and because he wanted to enhance his power base, they all knew what he wanted to hear. It was well known that Ahab had certain prophets killed or threatened if they didn’t say what he wanted to hear.

Of course Ahab’s prophets in unison encouraged him by saying, “Go for it, for the Lord will give it (the city) into the king’s hands!” In fact one prophet (Zedekiah) even made some horns to illustrate how Ahab would gore the enemy to defeat. Very dramatic! The other king, Jehoshaphat, saw through this and asked for just one prophet who actually spoke for God and not necessarily for Ahab. With this, Ahab whined that there was a guy who would do that but Ahab didn’t like him because he never spoke anything to Ahab that was in favor of what Ahab wanted.

As advertised, the next guy prophesied that if Ahab went to battle, he would be killed. At this, Zedekiah slapped the lone truth teller while sarcastically asking, “which way did the spirit from the Lord go when he went from me to speak to you?” Nice! Not only did Ahab have his prophets trained to say what HE wanted but also to attack any alternative messages—even if they were true. The end of this story happened as predicted. Ahab listened only to what he wanted to hear and saw only what he wanted to see and then was killed just the way the prophet said. Historically it is believed he was buried in Samaria (not in his own country) and dogs licked his blood as they cleaned off his chariot—the ultimate disrespect to his legacy.

Ahab had his own message guardians that ultimately kept him from accepting reality as it was. When we can’t accept our own realities, we will find it nearly impossible to be content. It gets worse from there in that our lives will not improve, heal, or recover from anything in our past (recent or distant) if we are not dealing with our reality as it stands. I can think of many examples; the young woman who insists on marrying the man whom others have cautioned her against. Those people who speak against the perception she wants are pushed away or marginalized in her mind. There is also the spouse who believes his/her husband or wife is the real reason for his/her unhappiness and resists any truth telling in order to escape unhappiness.

A key component of lasting contentment is that you manage what’s going on inside of you and recognize your inability to control people and their attitudes and behaviors. Of course it is important to know who speaks truth and who does not and who loves you enough to speak truth to you or who loves you but is not courageous enough to tell you about your blind-spots.

Here are a few things you can do to eliminate this contentment killer:
1) Become aware of who you become defensive with and how you construct barriers to that person’s messages to you. This could be an employer who needs to confront you on your job performance, a spouse, a friend, a pastor, a brother or sister or even a child.

2) Give permission to a few key, wise loved ones to speak truth to you even if it might hurt. Ask them to be gentle but direct. Hopefully they will give you the same permission with themselves.

3) Buy into the belief that truth is your friend not your enemy and know that real truth does not condemn but restores.

4) Confront your fear of the truth with a wise advisor. A counselor, pastor or someone else you know will protect your privacy and has experience in this area.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, MACP

Have You Ever Read the ENTIRE Serenity Prayer?

2011-04-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

Would love to hear your comments on one of modern history's most often read prayer AND how it relates to you.

Contentment Killers, part 1

2011-03-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

There are so many demands on each of us in the world it is becoming increasingly difficult to obtain any kind of lasting contentment. It is my observation that contentment can be achieved even when the world around us is crazy, demanding and/or falling apart. Here are some contentment killers that might lessen anyone’s ability to be more content at any given moment.

Automatic Thinking

We all respond automatically to many situations around us all day long. We wake up in the morning and our first automatic thought is ‘what’s wrong right now?’ Instantly we identify the many discomforts we have at that moment. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m overwhelmed with the day ahead of me, etc. Essentially what you are focused on is what is or will be dissatisfying. These are usually Automatic Thoughts or Conclusions.

In relationships we can be rather judgmental and when this seeps into our marriage or with our kids or in any other relationship, we tend to become locked into seeing what the other person is doing that is hurtful, insensitive, wrong, inconsiderate, lazy, irresponsible, and more but usually more negative than positive. This judgmentalism becomes automatic as well and makes it nearly impossible to be pleased with this relationship. If your first thought mostly points out what is wrong with someone, you will rarely feel contentment in that relationship. Think about it for a moment, do you have someone who does that with you? Do you ever enjoy time with that person? Probably not when they are expressing discontent with you. Do you ever feel that person is content with you? Again, probably not.

When you are automatically focused on what is wrong or dissatisfying, you will not see what is right or simply not so bad. In fact, the more automatic you are, the more difficult it is to break out of this habit. It is way too easy to see what is wrong because you have expertly trained yourself to see the negative.

When I was younger and living in Minnesota, I took an internship in Wisconsin. I remember traveling home when it was dark and being astonished at the number of deer along the highway. I didn’t see the deer easily and therefore worried about hitting one of them. A couple of times, one jumped out in front of me and I narrowly missed it. When I learned to see the glow in a deer’s eyes, I could see them better at night. After several such trips, I was trained to see the deer and learned to relax and drive without worry. I began to automatically see the deer and therefore automatically slow down when necessary. In this case, it was good that I learned to see but in the case of automatic negative thoughts your sight becomes more limited and blind spots develop. Tunnel vision is a better example.

How many times during the course of a day do you restrict your thoughts to what is wrong or dissatisfying or uncomfortable? It is a good idea to keep a log of your automatic thoughts and then redirect your thoughts to what is different, more positive or even to what is neutral (neither negative or positive). Is it even thinkable to restrict your thoughts to what is only positive or constructive for a day or two?

The apostle Paul wrote in a letter to some Christians in the city of Philippi, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…” This is instructive in that the contentment specialist tells us it is a skill to learn and grow in. How does one learn and grow in a specific skill? Trying, learning and practicing. The more attempts you make and the more knowledge you gain combined with steady insightful practice, the more accomplished you become. I dare say contentment takes years to develop a level of mastery—years of trying, learning and practice.

First step to try: identify your automatic thoughts that lead you to be perpetually dissatisfied.

Next step to try: be more mindful of newer perspectives about those automatic thoughts that might allow you to relax, not judge, let go or work a new process or solution in your life.

Finally: check your findings with a good friend who will be truthful with you and practice redirecting your automatic thoughts to the more mindful thoughts.

Next week look for Contentment Killer number two: Message Guardians.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, MACP

Grace and Truth in Difficult Conversations

2011-03-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

A huge challenge I find many people encounter in counseling is how to speak the truth in love; what it means to be assertive, rather than aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive. How do we confront people with the truth without being judgmental, controlling or self-righteous; in other words “speak the truth in love”? And how do we offer grace and mercy to others, lift them up, be encouraging and supportive, without being enabling, lukewarm or sugarcoating?

There, unfortunately, is no one easy answer that applies in all situations and all relationship dynamics. Rather, we need to prayerfully seek God’s will and apply Scripture on a case by case basis, as we all need both soft love (grace and mercy) and tough love (iron sharpening iron). Galatians 6:1 tells us “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” (ESV)

For additional reading on this subject, Henry Cloud’s book “Changes That Heal” is an excellent resource for self-growth and improving relational skills. Early in the book, Henry addresses this Grace and Truth dilemma, and gives a good analogy of how we need to have a right balance of both in life and in our relationships. I also recommend Philip Yancey’s book, “What’s So Amazing About Grace?” and James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough” for further insight and examples of ways to appropriately balance grace and truth.

Written by Roberta Vondrak, LCPC

On The Subject of Waiting...

2011-03-06T17:51:00.000-08:00

I was speaking with someone recently who had disappointments in life because he reached a point where he looked around with his wife and concluded that others were further ahead of him and therefore he should be further ahead in his ministry. They believed that they should have something right now and so manipulated the situation to get what they felt entitled to now rather than wait any longer.

As he was speaking, I thought of Ishmael who was a product of this very thinking. God promised Abraham and Sarah they would parent a nation. They waited patiently and then they concluded ‘it shoulda happened by now’ and then made it happen according to their own vision. What happened then proved to be a colossal failure with included pain and agony. Sarah gives her servant to her husband to sleep with (what?) who becomes pregnant leading Sarah to resent and ultimately mistreat both Hagar (her servant) and the new baby (who didn’t ask to be born into this mess).

The pain and agony we bring on ourselves because we conclude that ‘it shoulda happened by now’ can be intense. We feel entitled to what we believe we are promised now. I don’t believe God gave Abraham a specific date He would fulfill his promise to him. What pleased God was Abraham’s willingness to continue to believe in the promise even when it wasn’t fulfilled as expected. God did fulfill His promise and the timing was amazing. Abraham and Sarah did have a son (named Isaac) in their old age and a nation was born (the Jewish nation of Israel).

What are we to take from this? Wait, wait, wait. Catch yourself believing things like ‘it shoulda happened by now’. Are you in a position to really make that conclusion? There are great consequences to those conclusions we all live with all of the time. Expanding your business too quickly or buying a house too soon or retiring too young or even having a baby because you conclude NOW is the time.

In my business of counseling, it is not uncommon for someone to even put pressure on themselves to get better sooner than what it takes. The couple who expect changes to happen too quickly stop working on their marriage too quickly. The individual who expects to recover from an addiction too quickly relapses more often. The grieving person who believes they should ‘be over this by now’ doesn’t get over it and adds the pain of unfulfilled expectations to the pain of their loss.

Adjust your perspective. Imagine looking into the sun directly. It causes you to squint and gives you a headache and ultimately if you stare too long—blindness. Isn’t this ironic? When you stare into the light you go dark but if you turn your perspective to where the light shines, you see better. Get the picture? What are you focused on? What you don’t have but think you should have? That will lead to more Ishmaels—more pain and disillusionment. Focus instead on where you are at and what you do have that is good. Choose to trust God to get you where He plans for you to be at the time He thinks it should happen.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, MACP

By the Grace of God

2011-02-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

Last week I wrote about living life daily and the difficulty that entails at times. I brought out the fact that Jesus said that loving God and loving others was essential to living a fulfilled life. As I tried to articulate my thoughts on ways to go about loving God and loving people, I read a devotional by John Piper from his book Life as a Vapor. I concluded that I could not say it any better and shouldn’t try. So the following is from John Piper.

HOW STRANGE AND WONDERFUL IS THE LOVE OF CHRIST

For many years I have sought to understand how the God-centeredness of God relates to His love for sinners like us. Most people do not immediately see God's passion for the glory of God as an act of love. One reason for this is that we have absorbed the world's definition of love. It says: You are loved when you are made much of.

The main problem with this definition of love is that when you try to apply it to God's love for us, it distorts reality. God's love for us is not mainly His making much of us, but His giving us the ability to enjoy making much of Him forever. In other words, God's love for us keeps God at the center. God's love for us exalts His value and our satisfaction in it. If God's love made us central and focused on our value, it would distract us from what is most precious; namely, Himself. Love labors and suffers to enthrall us with what is infinitely and eternally satisfying: God. Therefore God's love labors and suffers to break our bondage to the idol of self and focus our affections on the treasure of God.

In a surprising way we can see this in the story of Lazarus' sickness and death. (Read John 11:1-6 now)

Notice these amazing things:

1. Jesus chose to let Lazarus die. There was no hurry. His intention was not to spare the family grief, but to raise Lazarus from the dead. This is true even if Lazarus was already dead when the messengers reached Jesus. Jesus either let him die or remained longer to make plain that He was in no hurry to immediately relieve the grief. Something more was driving Him.

2. He was motivated by a passion for the glory of God displayed in His own glorious power. In verse 4 He says, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

3. Nevertheless both the decision to let Lazarus die and the motivation to magnify God were expressions of love for Mary and Martha and Lazarus. John shows this by the way he connected verse 5 and 6. "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So [not "yet," which the NIV wrongly inserts] ...he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

Oh, how many people today--even Christians--would murmur at Jesus for callously letting Lazarus die and putting him and Mary and Martha and others through the pain and misery of those days. And if people today saw that this was motivated by Jesus' desire to magnify the glory of God, how many would call this harsh or unloving? What this shows is how far above the glory of God most people value pain-free lives. For most people, love is whatever puts human value and human well-being at the center. So Jesus' behavior is unintelligible to them.

But let us not tell Jesus what love is. Let us not instruct Him how He should love us and make us central. Let us learn from Jesus what love is and what our true well-being is. Love is doing whatever you need to do to help people see and savor the glory of God in Christ forever and ever. Love keeps God central. Because the soul was made for God.

Jesus confirms that we are on the right track here by praying for us in John 17:24, "Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world." I assume that this prayer is a loving act of Jesus. But what does He ask? He asks that, in the end, we might see His glory. His love for us makes Himself central. Jesus is the ONE being for whom self-exaltation is the most loving act. This is because the most satisfying reality we could ever know is Jesus. So to give us this reality, He must give us Himself. The love of Jesus drives Him to pray for us, and then die for us, not that our value may be central, but that His glory may be central, and we may see it and savor it for all eternity. "Father, I desire that they...be with me...to see my glory." That is what it means for Jesus to love us. Divine love labors and suffers to enthrall us with what is infinitely and eternally satisfying: God in Christ. That we might see His glory--for that He let Lazarus die, and for that He went to the cross. (Life as a Vapor, John Piper)

So we should really put some thought into this because it is central to understanding love. Genuine love puts Jesus at the center because He is the only ONE worthy of being at the center. Worthy in the sense that He is truly glorious and that the only place we are truly satisfied is seeing and savoring His glory. If that is true then do you not want those you love to understand this truth? Loving God--Loving people! Significant! Seems to be an ongoing theme! God has impressed upon me the importance of understanding this truth in order to recognize the subtle ways in which we are so vulnerable to succumbing to the need to place ourselves at the center of love. The subtle little lie that life is all about us changes our whole perspective of what’s most important. For example, the lie that the human spirit can accomplish anything we so desire. That the human spirit put us on the moon, discovered and harnessed electricity, invented internet and computer technology, and that generally the human spirit can solve all of humanity's problems. Isn't that the same lie that Satan told Adam and Eve? “You don’t need God.” In reality, life is all about God! Contemplate this for a while. Love that is not God-centered is not love. It is humanism. And humanism is godless. Or I should say it has many gods. Every person becomes his own god.

Paul stated that he was the “chief of sinners.” He was the worst of the worst. But God changed him and he recognized the very truth John Piper described about God-centered love. He stated that “by the grace of God I am what I am.” We need to trust Him that He made us the way we are and that sin (not necessarily our personal sin) but the nature of sin has corrupted (in the way a virus corrupts a computer) His plan for how He created us would function. We need to recognize that it is not supposed to be this way. But sin has corrupted everything including our ability to even recognize sin. But His grace...well His grace...is incredibly amazing. We need to learn about it. We need to live in it. And we need to share it with others. You can't fail to the point that His grace will not overcome it.

Before Jesus went in to bring Lazarus back, he wept. Why? Why? He knew what He was about to do. He knew it was for God's glory and that everyone would be praising God when He walked out with Lazarus. Why then did he weep? I think he wept because He was face to face with what the effects of sin had done to His creation. And He was experiencing it as fully human--the reality of death. Now that gives us some insight into the heart of Jesus and it certainly makes me love Him more. Who...who...could make this up? This is so contrary to our way of thinking and perceiving our environment. These truths blow me away! I try and contemplate the significance of a God-centered love and His commitment to His glory and how it changes the way I interact with God and others. It helps me keep my problems in perspective.

So I challenge you to think about what this means. It means you are loved perfectly by the One who is love, the only One that counts. You are loved enough that He allows you to experience pain so that you will see what is most important--Himself. This is tough love, love that does what is best for us even if it requires us to hurt for a bit. So trust Him because He is the only One that is trustworthy! Trust Him that He knows what He is doing with you even if He doesn't tell you right away. And that what He is doing with you is good for you. Stay focused on these truths. Everything else becomes less significant. This certainly must have been what David knew about God. It is why he was able to say "How long, Oh Lord?" And yet continue to trust Him to follow through with His plan. He never questioned God’s ability, motives, or power because He knew what God was committed to and He knew His character. We have these same truths and more.

Written by Larry Navey, L.C.P.C.

A Life Well Lived

2011-01-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

We all struggle from time to time with the numerous difficulties in living life on a daily basis. One day while driving I was listening to a program on the radio and they were discussing this very issue. One of the guests on the show commented that the hardest thing about life is that it’s daily. I thought, hmm… This is so true. How often do we have such a tough day that we seem to just barely make it and then realize we have to get up again tomorrow morning and do it all over again? Life has a way of beating up on us, wearing us down, and then….. and then we have to keep doing it.

Sometimes it is difficult just to get out of bed. David experienced this. Many of his Psalms reflect his struggle with daily life and his feeling as if nothing ever changes. “How long, Oh Lord?” But David always closed these Psalms with a statement that regardless of how he feels he will trust in God. How was he able to do that? Did he just say that to try and comfort himself or did he really believe that?

Clearly David knew that God was trustworthy. How did he know that? He knew that because he knew God. He knew God’s character and God’s history of being faithful to His people. The Bible tells us that David was a “man after God’s own heart.” Ever wonder what it means to be a man after God’s own heart?

Jesus was asked once by some very religious leaders of the day who were trying to trick him, what was most important in life. He responded immediately and said that loving God with all your heart, mind, and soul was most important. He then added that loving others as we love ourselves was second most important. Why would Jesus feel the need to add a second most important thing when they only asked for the single most important? Clearly this has significance.

I believe He is saying that loving God and loving others is equally important but one can’t love others unless he loves God first. In order to love God we must know Him. This means we need to spend time getting to know who He is, how he feels about things, His motives, His thoughts, His character, His heart.

The Bible tells us that we are created in God’s image. And it tells us that Jesus is the true image of God. So then it seems that knowing Jesus would be the most important thing we can do to know God. We get to know Jesus by reading about Him and learning about His thoughts, His motives, His morals, His heart.

I believe that being created in the image of God makes us relational at the core. So then it appears that Jesus, in saying that loving God and loving people is most important, is saying that if we miss this one truth, then nothing else really matters. Further, Jesus asks us to depend on Him daily for our needs. There is that word “daily” again. David evidently knew this truth and he wasn’t afraid to say how he was feeling. Yet David always relied upon the solid truth of who God is to sustain him even though he was feeling alone and abandoned.

Learning to love is essential according to Jesus. Over the next several weeks I will be writing more about learning to love God and others. This truth is the foundation of the Christian faith. Not because it is what I believe, but because it is what Jesus said was most important. And this truth is what gives us the strength to live life “daily” regardless of what is going on around us.

Written by Larry Navey, L.C.P.C.

Wonderful, Beautiful Conflict

2011-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

What’s so good about conflict? Most people avoid conflict as much as they possibly can. Most people would rather be personally miserable than be in conflict with someone else. I remember years ago, my wife was angry at me (deservedly so) so I worked late just so I didn’t have to deal with the conflict when I got home. When I arrived home close to midnight, I saw the light was still on in our bedroom.
I couldn’t tell you how disappointed I was because there was no way I was going into our home until she turned those lights off. It was after one before she finally clicked the light switch and of course I had to give it another 15 minutes to be sure I didn’t have to face her upon entry into our home. Being in conflict can be very scary, intimidating, painful, irritating, annoying, wonderful—whoa…did I just write wonderful? Yeah, I sure did. Please don’t give up on this article too quickly because I believe I have a powerful and life-changing point to make. Conflict is designed to be helpful and growth producing.

When people avoid conflict there are tremendous dangers involved. What I have noticed from my experience with counseling people is the greater intensity of fear, anger, frustration or defensiveness one has the greater distortion that same person has in hearing and seeing the very people he/she is feeling about. With distortion comes misunderstanding and with misunderstanding comes escalating thoughts and more intense fear, anger, hurt or defensiveness than ever. That is a recipe for destruction in relationships. Remember this equation: misunderstanding plus intense emotions equals more misunderstanding and more misunderstanding produces intensifying feelings (anger, hurt, fear, etc). Do you get the picture? Rarely does avoiding conflict lead to benefits. The only exception I can think of right now is when someone is in an abusive or foolish relationship. Then and only then does avoidance equal safety or something else worthwhile.

Conflict avoidance does not eliminate the conflict in your head. While you are working extra hours or staying locked in the computer room or whatever kind of strategy you use to avoid the one you have issues with, your thoughts tend to stay thinking about the trouble. Unless you are a disciplined thinker (most of us are not), those thoughts aren’t making it easier for you to meet and talk face to face with your problem relationship of the moment. Escalating thoughts tend to exaggerate problems not minimize them. Conversely, avoidant thoughts tend to minimize problems not face them.

Long ago, the wise king Solomon wrote this, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17). He also added, “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.” (Proverbs 9:7-8). Yes, there are people who are foolish and do not accept careful confrontation and I would agree with the old wise king—don’t waste your breath. But there are the other folks—the wise ones—who want to hear truth even if it is a rebuke (and love it). Why? Because it is an opportunity to get better, to grow, to fix a problem, to avoid a problem, to enhance life. Why would we not want to do any of that?

This world is highly complex and if you believe that it should be simpler or easier you will be perpetually frustrated, hurt, afraid or angry. Problems in relationship are the norm because God in His infinitely creative style created a world with as many personalities as there are sets of finger prints. No one is alike and no two people have the same perspectives. It is a wonderful thing as much as it is a maddening thing. We are designed to be creative thinkers (like the Creator) and that kind of creation is born out of struggle—conflict. If you will embrace conflict in your relationships in combination with courageous ‘telling the truth in love’, there will be few limits on problem-solving or the ability to pursue mutual dreams.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, L.C.P.C.

Trust Me For the Rain: Relying on God in Ordinary Circumstances

2011-01-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

More than anything in this world, I wanted to be a Mommy. When you asked me what I wanted to be as a child, that was my answer. When I got married, we had our “life plan.” Five years into the marriage, we were going to start a family. My husband wanted that time to enjoy married life and to get financially stable. I was 24 when I got married, so I thought we had plenty of time.
When I turned 28, I was no longer happy with this game plan. As I once put it to him, my arms ached to hold a child. I wanted to start our family, he wanted to go back to school. I agreed that I wanted him around and involved when we had our children, so I agreed to this one further delay, but no more. And if I were 8 months pregnant on his graduation day, all the better!

So, when we were finally ready, I was not happy that a year and a half went by before I got pregnant. I had almost given up on it, even signed up to start the registration process to become a foster parent, when we got the news. There is a whole story there, too, but that is for another time. Our daughter was born July of 2007. She was beautiful, but had some challenges early on. She didn’t breathe at first, and had really low APGAR scores. If you don’t know what it is, just know it isn’t good. But within 30 minutes she was doing better. Unfortunately, she was shrinking. Due to a feeding issue, she lost over a pound in the first 3 days. Eventually, it all worked out and she is a healthy child today.

We decided to go for number 2, and got pregnant relatively quickly. It never occurred to me that my body would rebel against me after having a healthy pregnancy the first time around, but it did. This pregnancy turned out to be ectopic, meaning the baby was growing outside the womb. My own life could have been in jeopardy. While I was dealing with that, many family and friends told me their own stories of miscarriages, and how they got pregnant again quickly after. That comforted me that I would soon be able to have another child.

Nine months later, I was facing the due date for the child who was not to be, and not pregnant. I was really grieving the loss in a way that the fears for my own safety hadn’t allowed the first time around. I remember praying out that I would be able to handle this so much easier if I was pregnant again, and asked God for another child. On what would have been that baby’s due date, I found I was indeed pregnant. God is good! The next nine months were not without their trials; I had some serious medical problems and was eventually diagnosed with pre-eclampsia after spending 2 months on bed rest. My son was born full term and a whopping 10 pounds, but again had breathing problems. This one resolved faster than my daughter’s, but when he started getting close to a 1 pound weight loss, I started to get nervous. I prayed out to God all night that last night in the hospital for the feeding issues to be resolved. I was feeling desperate, until a small voice spoke to my heart. “Why do you trust me for the Rainbow,” it said, “and not for the Rain?”

I spent most of that night and the next day contemplating that statement. What could it mean? Finally, I came to this conclusion: I was willing to trust God for the “big miracle,” a child when I thought I was not able to have one. But when it came to the ordinary everyday things, like a child learning to feed, I felt I had to knock down the door to the throne room, rather than just trust His design. How often do we all do that? Worry and fret, figuring that it all counts on us, for everyday issues that God will work out in his time? After I figured that out, I finally had peace.

I’m proud to say that my son put weight on before his first doctor appointment and had almost regained his birth weight before he was a week old. Turns out what I was so worried about was a very normal and natural thing. Babies are actually born with an extra layer of fat to help them get through those first few days before they can really eat. God knows what He is doing after all. And here I thought he needed my advice!

Written by Rachael DeWitt, L.C.S.W.

It's Not About the Food!

2011-01-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

Why can’t I lose weight? I have been on every diet known to man and can never seem to keep it off! If I were thinner I would be happier. Why can’t I just have willpower? Anyone who has ever battled weight has said or heard those things from friends and family. There is a biological component, as our bodies only need so much energy. Too much we gain weight, not enough leaves us with little energy.

So many times when I work with clients battling weight I hear over and over, I can’t seem to keep weight off or lose weight. Clients experience frustration, shame and guilt over not being able to succeed with their weight loss. Many times they are so defeated they have developed depression and withdrawn and isolated. When I tell clients it’s not about the food I get strange looks and stares. Ok, it is a little about the food however, there are always underlying issues that drive unhealthy eating behaviors and patterns. Underlying issues may include; depression, anxiety, trauma, abuse, stress, family conflict, marital and financial problems among others.

When I work with clients battling their weight, I want to know their eating habits but more so what they feel on the inside. In almost every case, clients that have lost and regained weight changed their behavior but not their thinking. Clients who overeat attempt to fill what I call “the hole in your soul”. Clients on the other end of the spectrum will restrict or vomit their food to control their feelings. Regardless of the presentation the attempt is always to control and manage feelings such as loneliness, anxiety, depression, anger and stress. The problem however, is food is not the answer! The only way to win an unhealthy relationship with food is to deal with issues driving the behavior.

The first step in recovery is awareness; you can’t change something you are not aware of. One of the first things I have clients do is keep a food journal and instruct clients to write down what they ate, their emotions and events which occurred prior to eating. Upon review, clients begin to notice patterns with what they eat and feel and connect to precipitating events such as fight with a spouse, child or friend, a stressful day at work, a disappointment or loss. The second stage of recovery is dealing with the emotions, which is never easy. So often times clients were never allowed to have feelings, in lieu of crying they ate to feel better or they purged their anger. The third stage involves new coping skills and behaviors rather then food as a coping mechanism.

New coping skills many include expressing feelings in healthy ways, becoming more assertive and challenging negative thought patterns and belief systems. Working with a therapist, nutritionist and when appropriate, a psychiatrist is essential for recovery. Support groups such as Celebrate Recovery and Overeaters Anonymous are also helpful and can be great sources of strength and support. Your identity will shift from food and weight to emotional, physical and spiritual health. Colossians 2:6-7 states; “Just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to live in obedience to him. Let your roots grow down into him and draw nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught.” (NLV)

Written by Nicole Majka, L.C.P.C.

Let It Go! Let It Go! Let It Go! A Guide to Managing Your Holiday Stress

2010-12-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

As if we aren’t all busy enough, December rolls around and we try to add more activities to our already full calendar. Shopping for presents. Mailing cards. Baking cookies. Attending parties. Hanging decorations. Trimming the tree. Visiting Santa. Taking pictures. Getting together with family. Writing this article for my boss (just kidding!) And all of the little tasks that are included in each of these big ones. We sing about peace and joy, but allow the business of the holiday to rob both from our lives. And that baby in the manger? We forget about him entirely while trying to make Christmas happen.

We often put unrealistic expectations on ourselves to make the holidays “perfect,” as if that were even possible. We romanticize memories from our childhood and try to make treats just like Grandma used to make. We forget that Grandma didn’t work a 40 hour week and still have to run the kids to basketball and tumbling after they were picked up from day care. Or we try to make up for not having those memories of our own childhood by making things “perfect” for our kids. Trying too hard will only rob your children of memories in a different way: instead of remembering the lack, they will remember the tension of trying too hard. So what to do? Presented below are some ideas of how to let go of holiday expectations and stress to really begin to enjoy your Christmas.

1. Remember what the holiday is really all about. Ever watch the news on Christmas Eve and hear the “man on the street” interviewing passers-by about what the holiday means to them? The typical answer is that it is about family and friends and being together. WRONG! It’s about Jesus. The baby in the manger. Make sure you leave room for him in your celebration.

2. Focus on the people more than the things. Ok, it is about Family and Friends a little bit! Someone recently asked a group of my friends what was their favorite memory of a Christmas present. Very few said that they remembered their presents at all, but that their cherished memories were of people and activities. Remember that when searching for the perfect present. By next December, people will have a hard time remembering what you GAVE, but they will remember what you DID together.

3. Set realistic boundaries when spending time with family and friends. It would be nice if we all had family members who were considerate of others and fun to be around. But often these are the same people in the bad memories from your Christmases Past. If you have a family member that is not emotionally safe for you, do not feel that you have to expose yourself to them just because it is the holidays. If you do attend gatherings with them, arrive late and leave early to limit stress. If family members are too spread out, find ways to celebrate with those who are important to you without putting hundreds of miles on the family sleigh in just one day. Give up on the idea that you can make everyone happy, and do what is best for you and the people who live under your roof.

4. When it comes to presents, less is more. You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars to show someone you care. Heartfelt gifts that show that you really know the other person are more meaningful. Homemade gifts can easily fit this bill, especially from your children. Set a budget you can afford, and stick with it. Don’t let other’s extravagant spending make you waiver...they will not be paying off your credit card bills come January!

5. Put a limit on activities, too. How many Christmas cookies does one family need? And you know they are all going to have to come off with your New Year’s Resolution anyway, so make it easier on yourself by not adding them to your waistline in the first place! Try making a favorite for each family member. Or make a double batch one type and attend a cookie exchange to get a variety of cookies to sample. Do shopping online if fighting the crowd at the mall makes you shutter. Cut back on (or eliminate) your Christmas Card List. Put up only your favorite decorations. Enlist others to help with all of these tasks.

Several years ago, I decided that as a working woman, cookies just weren’t happening. My husband wanted to continue this tradition, so he took it over. I started shopping online instead of fighting the stores. I set limits on when and where I would travel to attend family celebrations. I have to say that my holidays were much less stressful with just these few changes. Once my circumstances changed, I added some things back in, but took others out, as fit my life at the time. I challenge you to do the same. Let’s boil our Christmas celebration down to the bare essentials, and only leave those things in that add to our enjoyment of the season, not take away from it. And remember Jesus, who’s birthday we are celebrating. Maybe with a few less activities, we may even find time for him.

Written by Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

Untangling Christmas

2010-12-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

Was it fun to get the Christmas lights down from the attic this year? Any chance your merry preparations were slowed by the tedious project of undoing all those wires that magically get all tangled up somehow between January and the end of November?

Like festive decorating plans doused by spindly coils, sometimes holiday cheer can come with irritating complications. Relationships are snarled, dreamy expectations go trounced upon, and tight scheduling becomes more about “getting through it” than enjoying fellowship. Now, you try to remind yourself again, what in all this was worth looking forward to?

While celebrating life and meaning should be a functional goal all year ’round, intensifying efforts at times like Christmas serves a great purpose. It gives space for emphasizing important values. Any kind of ceremony or celebration gives a boost of momentum to keep significant things truly significant.

So on one hand you’re armed with ample rationale for celebrating, but on the other hand you’re faced with the reality that things can get out of hand. During the holidays all the music, ornamentation, and cultural attention shifts to reinforce peace, joy, and other hard-to-really-enjoy sentimentalities. How does something that was supposed to apply special focus cause you to lose focus?

There must be something you can do about this. You can avoid replacing happiness with busy-ness, family warmth with misunderstandings, and spirited generosity with looming debt. Here are some suggestions to untangle Christmas:

Inventory your faith. At its core Christmas is a religious festival, and it may be time for you to reevaluate what and why you celebrate. Attune yourself to the relevance of the Christ-child and the Creator who sent Him.

Beware of fantasy. The holiday season represents an intriguing showcase for heightened anticipation of certain types of experiences. The tree properly overflowing with glossily-wrapped parcels, engaging camaraderie over exquisite gourmet cooking, even romance by an open fire. Expectations may stem from wonderful past activities, or what you feel should have been past activities that you missed out on. Either way, be careful to not pressure yourself into idyllic goals that aren’t realistic.

Simplify. Just because you went all-out last year doesn’t mean you have to outdo yourself this year. You don’t have to do it at all, for that matter. Choose your traditions wisely. Don’t be afraid to cut one of the trips if you have to, or to keep some of the decorations packed away for rotation next year.

Create memories, not empty attempts. The substance of your homespun memories is what you actually did or the act of kindness someone showed. Set yourself and your family up for trying new things or sharing traditions together, and then just relax and see what happens. Don’t be so desperate to “make a memory” that you try too hard and end up with regret instead.

Reflect. Examine what you really find valuable about the Christmas season. Tidings of comfort and joy may saturate the carols, but discover what it means to you personally. This will lead to transactions that are much more peaceful and fulfilling than the hectic demands the culture imposes on you.

Spend less. While holiday gift rituals highlight the virtues of giving and kindness, sometimes they are enshrouded by less noble qualities like materialism and commercialism. Don’t get caught up in the modern-day myth that belongings equate to contentment. And be honest with yourself in your celebration planning as to whether the December frills indeed merit the January bills.

Focus on the best in relationships. Family conflict can be tough, and as difficult as the task may be, try to keep Christmas grounded on what you love. Seek a special way to bring you closer to someone. Surprise a friend with something meaningful.

As the “season” progresses, take care to enjoy and maintain a clear view. Untangle the trappings. And consider the mess you had to sort through before hastily returning the lights to their attic storage. Merry Christmas!

Written by Robert Laib, L. P. C.

Shame, Thanksgiving and other Holiday Smells

2010-11-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I had a problem. I am not especially proud of it but I wet the bed. A few times in my large family, being the youngest I was left without a bedroom or even a bed and probably to my mother’s deep regret, she let me sleep on the couch and of course I messed it up. I had an accident as I used to say. Mom tried for hours with many attempts to clean the smell from the sofa.

I remember one time what seemed years later my oldest brother came home to visit with his wife. I was nervous as he sat on what became known as the smelly couch but was completely embarrassed when he tiredly rest his face down into the couch and breathed deeply. It was almost like he was zapped with a shot of electricity he sat up so quickly and with a loud groan, he went ‘whew!’ That couch smelled until the day my parents got rid of it. The cushions were completely saturated with the smell of urine. I was so relieved when it was removed for its replacement.

I am writing frankly about loss and hope today. Perhaps you have experienced divorce this year or lost a loved one. Maybe you went bankrupt or lost your house or some other financial disaster. It’s possible that some here have experienced both divorce and financial failure. I know that happens. I can only imagine the pain you might be in today or have experienced this year. There are times the pain we experience from a loss or failure is so pervasive it defines us for awhile. No matter how hard we try to hide, we can’t escape the reality of our life currently. We are afraid people will catch the aroma of our failures, our losses. We are embarrassed, humiliated, angry, lost and almost every thought brings us back to the pain. We can’t even escape our loss in our dreams as we wake up reliving it all over again every night.

I’m sorry if this article is serving as another reminder to what hurts you so deeply. Out of such hurt, out of such loss, or what we see as great failure there is a great risk of our pain turning into shame. We feel ashamed. We have an incredible sense of guilt just because it happened. There is a profound sense of inferiority or embarrassment. It goes without saying that our self-worth might be at an all time low. We avoid the mirror at all costs and when we do have to see ourselves in the mirror, self-condemning thoughts are the very aroma that leads us to groan and cry out ‘whew!’

When we are so saturated with shame, there is a mighty internal pressure to hide. I have seen it often—with shame comes isolation. Any way we can keep others from getting a whiff or any way we can keep our self from being reminded of the embarrassment or the hurt or the guilt or whatever engulfs us we will do. Strategies to avoid are easier than getting too close to the pain.

When we experience pain, we usually ask the why questions. Why did this happen? Why God? What did I do to deserve this? It’s funny or perhaps not so funny that when we ask the why questions, there is an almost natural instinct to find blame. Someone has to be blamed. As soon as we ask ‘why did this happen?’ the next question is ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ How many of us have looked to God and asked that very question? ‘Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve such pain?’

A while back, the wife of a close friend of mine sent me a text and said please pray he has been called into HR for a meeting and might lose his job. We can’t lose this job. I’m not sure I can go through this again…I’m not that strong. He was indeed fired. It was a total surprise and when I spoke with him on the phone he was already asking the why questions wondering what he did that was so bad? He said, ‘Scott, how am I going to tell my boys they won’t be having much of a Christmas this year? How can I as their father tell them, I don’t have a job anymore? Do you know what that’s going to feel like?’

These types of questions naturally lead us to make a judgment of ourselves and others. Shame is a product of self-condemnation. You ask why and you conclude ‘it must be me’. It might even be true that it is you, a decision you made, a poor judgment, a sin, a reactive moment. It might also be true that it was completely unexpected and even in hindsight you couldn’t see how you would have avoided it. Either way, the why questions can bring us to judge ourselves and when we judge ourselves, we come to believe the worst distorted thoughts.

We tell our self, ‘I must be bad’. God is punishing me—isn’t that why bad things happen? We say in the mirror, ‘this is unforgiveable.’ ‘How can I forgive myself? I don’t deserve forgiveness.’ In my humble opinion, forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do and if you can’t forgive yourself, I don’t know how you can receive forgiveness from God or others. This type of shame is so destructive! It’s destructive to ourselves, it eats away at our key relationships, it pounds away at our mood.

Speaking of isolation if you load up on blame and you are always depressed or sad, you are not going to be too eager to be with friends. You might tell yourself, these people don’t want to be around me when I am like this. I’m a downer—this is Thanksgiving I’ll spoil the party. I should stay home. There are so many ways we find to isolate and so many reasons to justify it. If I go to that family gathering or church gathering or office gathering there will be questions and I don’t want to feel that all over again. I can’t face anyone right now. ‘Right now’ so often turns into months and if we are not careful—years.

At the risk of being excessively optimistic, there is a wonderful opportunity to explore the true character of God here. We worry He’s judging us harshly and we assume this hardship is the result of his punishment. That is not at all what the Bible tells us about God. Yes, there were times of tremendous punishment in the Old Testament but only after years of warning and horrible corruption and evil.

In the New Testament we have a clear picture of who God is in the person of Jesus Christ. The book of Hebrews says, “…in the past, God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by His Son, whom he appointed heir of all things and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful Word.” If you want to understand God, just look at Jesus. Look at what He did and how He responded to very difficult situations. Jesus is an exact picture of God and is God.

The Gospel of John tells us “God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” Later in the letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul states clearly, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ. It is not God’s heart to condemn anyone, in fact it is His heart to restore.

At the very beginning of Jesus ministry He walked into the synagogue and was handed a scroll. He opened it up and read an ancient prophecy written by Isaiah. It was His mission statement. If you were listening to Jesus and you heard this, you would know what He was all about. He read, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” Another translation says to heal the brokenhearted.

Do you ever feel oppressed with shame, or with guilt or with hurt or with pain? How many times have you felt completely blind to what’s happening? How about poor or broken? This is what Jesus does. It is a waste of our breath to ask the question why is God punishing me? He didn’t come to condemn but to save, to heal, to free, to give sight, to give hope to restore—not to punish.

Are you familiar with that story of the adulteress woman who was made to stand before Jesus to be condemned? Jesus was in the temple courts where ALL the people were gathered around Him. I can imagine the religious rulers forcing this woman to stand in front of everyone almost naked. They announced to Jesus, ‘teacher this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women!’ They were speaking to Jesus with ALL the people gathered around. When I am trying to make a point with a lot of people around, I have to speak up. It’s not like they whispered to Jesus in private, hey this woman did a very bad thing do you think we should condemn her to a painful death of stoning? No, they made her stand in front of everyone in the temple court and I am sure so all could hear, said, ‘Jesus she committed adultery, she cheated with another man and had sex with him. She’s a marriage wrecker. She’s a loose woman. She’s a slut! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend anyone but they disgraced that woman.

Jesus carefully exposed everyone there as a sinner with His famous words, ‘he who is without sin, cast the first stone’. And when they all left because they couldn’t cast the first stone, Jesus said to the woman, I don’t condemn you. Go on and start a new life and sin no more. You are free from your guilt. In fact, you are free from your shame.

There was another woman who had lived with shame for years and years because she had an issue of blood. She wasn’t allowed into town because of her bleeding (that was the law in that culture). Imagine the shame of her and her family. She took a risk and fought through the crowds just to connect with Jesus—to touch Him. She tried to do it covertly but Jesus didn’t miss it and knew instantly she had touched Him. He felt His power leave when she touched him and she was healed. Jesus restored her physically but I think the most significant thing was she could now be restored back into the community. She could go back to the family gatherings, back to the synagogue, back to life with her shame behind her.

There was another person Jesus restored. It was this short man named Zaccheus who was a tax collector. They were known to cheat people and oppress them by over collecting. Few people were despised as much as tax collectors. When this man fought hard to get Jesus attention—the Bible tells us he climbed into a sycamore tree so Jesus would see him—Jesus not only invited Zaccheus to come down to talk to him but even went to his house and shared a meal. Zaccheus’ heart was transformed, he changed and like the adulteress or the woman with the issue of blood, was restored from his own isolation, his own shame.

That is how God looks at each of us. He is not pointing His finger in shame at us. In fact He hopes to restore us, heal us, connect us and unburden us from our own shame. Shame cannot be overcome in isolation. If that is your struggle, find someone to connect with. If you lack that someone, call a counselor who can walk with you past your shame.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

The Haunted House: Dealing with Childhood Fears

2010-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Halloween is a fun time of year, with costumes, candy and make-believe adventures. It can also be a time full of fear and anxiety due to Halloween TV specials, scary costumes, and teenage pranks. Therefore, it seems like an opportune time to discuss how to handle childhood fears, in many shapes and sizes. To help explore this topic (and stick with our Halloween theme), let’s use the metaphor of that favorite Halloween outing, the Haunted House, as we learn how to address anticipatory anxiety and specific phobias, including separation anxiety.

If you’ve ever gone to a Haunted House yourself, you know that the fun starts before you even enter the doors. Waiting outside, in the dark and the cold, some ghosts and ghouls show up to give you a preview of the tricks and treats waiting within. For the excited teens waiting for the thrill of the scare, this is part of the fun. But for the uninitiated, or the fearful, this can be torture. Who knows where they will show up next? Who knows what they might do to you? If it’s this bad now, what will it be like inside?

Anticipatory anxiety can be the most difficult form to face, because it is dealing with the unknown. The “what if’s” can be overwhelming, and impossible to answer. As caregivers, we instinctually try to help by soothing and telling the anxious child that “everything will be OK.” For a highly anxious person, this can actually be the WORST thing you can say! How do you know everything will be OK? You can’t know, and the child knows that. Instead, try playing the Worst Case Scenario game. What if he’s right? What if all the things he’s worrying about do come true, what then? Helping him to see that there is a way out, that the world will go on, can actually be more soothing than denying the possibility of his fears.

When the anticipatory anxiety is of a reality-based fear (e.g. a spelling test) or a transition (a substitute teacher), then use soothing rituals and routines to try to help the child get through the fearful situation. Familiar routines and soothing objects, such as a stuffed animal friend waiting in the backpack, can make a scary situation seem less out of the ordinary, and therefore less scary. Helping the child to know what to expect by explaining what is likely to happen, reading stories of kids in similar situations, even making them up if necessary, will help to take away the “unknown” element, therefore lessening the fear.

Once we enter the Haunted House, the type of fear that we face changes. Now, we are facing the stuff of nightmares. Freddie, Jason, that Texas Chainsaw guy, all brought to life before our eyes. This is where we face our fears, our phobias, and the things that go bump in the night.

One of the most common childhood fears is Separation Anxiety. While this is normal in the toddler years, it often re-occurs when major transitions are faced, such as starting kindergarten or all-day school in 1st grade. I even see it returning often in middle school, as the increased expectations of school make some kids crave the safety and security of home. Separation anxiety is real, and, like most fears, must be faced to be overcome. Allowing the child to stay home, or the mom to stay at the school, is an avoidant strategy that will only allow the fear to grow stronger next time. The same is true when dealing with real life “monsters”, such as the neighbor’s dog, scary Halloween costumes, playground bullies, or Aunt Betsy’s musty smelling basement.

Aureen Pinto Wagner uses the Worry Hill to help explain to children how important it is to face a fear. Just like riding a bike up a steep hill, it is hard work to separate from mom, or face other phobias, but once we get to the top of the hill, the peak of the fear, it is never as bad as it seems. On the other side, you can coast down the hill, flying fast and free with minimal effort. The other side of the fear is the same way. And the memory of how much easier it was than it appeared will make it easier the next time, and the next time, until what once seemed to be a mountain is now just a bump in the road. She cautions against jumping off the side of the hill before reaching the peak by avoiding the fearful situation. This will only serve to make the climb seem even harder, maybe even impossible, the next time around.

We can help kids to feel brave enough to face their fear through make believe. For Halloween, allow them to dress as powerful figures, such as the brave knight or the fairy princess with magical powers that can ward off the evil-doers. Test anxiety can be relieved by giving the child a “Magic Pencil,” that only knows how to write correct answers. Of course, don’t enact magic powers unless you can be sure that the perceived threat is unrealistic. Role play can also be a great way for a child to act out ways to deal with a scary situation before facing the real thing. Adults can take on the role of the child to model bravery and new coping skills, or the child can try them on for size to have a successful dress rehearsal.

When helping to prepare a child for facing a fear, remember to project confidence that the child is able to succeed. Your anxiety about her inability to face her anxiety can make the situation worse, or even create worry that wasn’t there to begin with.

We have now completed our tour of the Haunted House, and the horrors that lie within and without. I hope the fears and anxieties you found here will now be a little easier to manage the next time around. Anxiety is a normal part of life, and something each of us must learn how to face. Helping children to learn how to cope with their fears is a tremendous gift that will enhance their lives for years to come.

Written by Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

Ruts and Paradox: A Different Approach to Routine Conflict

2010-09-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

I was speaking with someone today who was very angry at her husband who is angry himself and a yeller. He yells at the kids, yells at her—just yells. She quickly jumps to the rescue to redirect his angry parenting style with her own version of payback. You yell therefore I will yell back!

What I observed is what we call a feedback loop. In a family system, the various parts take on a specific role and each part responds routinely to each other the same way. Every night the same fight happens or the same isolating behaviors happen or the same…

It’s like being stuck in a groove. When I was a young man, we had this winding gravel road in front of our home between two lakes (Minnesota: Land of Ten Thousand Lakes). Every Spring when the thaw came, a set of grooves (tire tracks) would form on each side of the road and each time a car would travel in the grooves, they would become deeper. It was cool as a young driver because when your tires fell into these now deep ruts, you could almost let go of the steering wheel and see the car travel down the road automatically(don’t tell my mom please). It was however rather difficult to keep your tires out of those ruts. You needed to approach the road with a different kind of strategy or take a different road altogether.

Let me introduce you to paradox. This is “a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition (or action) that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true”. A terrific example of this is ‘a soft answer turns away wrath’.

When a person is mean to you or to your loved ones, they certainly don’t deserve kindness and it doesn’t make any sense to treat that person with patience. I think putting our responses to people like this into terms of whether they deserve it or not is what keeps us stuck in a rut. Why would I give a jerk anything but what he deserves? Right?

The problem with this is that it almost assuredly guarantees the same jerky behavior in return. They yell, I yell. They insult, I insult back. They use sarcasm, I obliterate them with sarcasm. At the end of these relational transactions, we are just as hurt, just as frustrated and more angry at the jerk in our lives. Yet in our minds, what doesn’t make sense is patience or kindness.

That’s why I consider this to be paradoxical. On the face, it doesn’t make any sense. But if you look deeper, it makes a ton more sense…

When someone is angry he or she obviously is reacting to a perceived threat. Perhaps his child is misbehaving and he yells to stop a behavior that is unwanted. If while he is yelling at his child, his wife comes along, doesn’t like what he is doing and yells at him, he will now feel the threat is coming from her as well. Will this lead him to calm down? Maybe but more realistically, he will fight back or simply withdraw altogether for awhile. The yelling is mostly a defensive measure to gain control of a situation or protect himself from harsh words.

If the above is true, then payback doesn’t really make sense but rather perpetuates more anger or whatever undesirable actions taking place. What would make more sense would be a genuine act of concern. “you are really upset about this, is there something I can do to help” or “I’m sorry you are so upset, I am here for you if you need me”. You might think of another way to express your concern that works better for you.

Jesus said many paradoxical things. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” or “if someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic”. Really? Is that the best approach? Won’t I be a doormat? They don’t deserve that—it’s too nice. Well possibly but more accurately it’s paradox and probably more effectively deals with deeper issues unseen.

It's kind of like driving in the snow. If you are spinning your wheels, the worst thing to do is to push the gas pedal down hard. A soft foot is much more likely to keep your wheels from spinning and sliding just like a soft anwer turns away wrath. Paradoxical and a more effective approach to routine conflict.

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

How to Secretly Spy on Your Teenager: Practical Tips for Parents

2010-09-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

In recent years, keeping track of your teenager’s behavior has become more complicated because of the ever changing world of technology. Although teens have always been experimental, snuck out, lied to their parents, and attended parties, the internet has opened a whole new world of teasing, lies, and deception among teenagers today. Spying on your teenager has now become a necessity among parents because the world has become more tempting and dangerous for our teens. Our children are also more susceptible to others’ bad choices which can put them in harms way. This article contains helpful tips for monitoring your teen’s behavior.

Open Communication with your Teenager

It is important to remember that just as small children need your attention and praise; teenagers are looking for the same type of communication. Parents must take time out of their day to check in with their teens, ask him or her questions, and provide positive reinforcement for good decision making. You will learn a lot about your teen’s interests just from talking to him or her daily.

Know your Teenager’s Friends

Knowing your teen’s friends and friends’ parents is also helpful for keeping open communication among your teen’s social network. Parents should keep an open line of communication between themselves and their friends’ parents in order to keep their teen accountable. For example, if your teen says that he or she is going to sleep over at a friend’s house, it is important to check in with the parent to be sure that your teen is safe and is actually staying at this friend’s home. Don’t be afraid to check in with other parents.

Know what your Teenager is Doing

It is important to always know where your teen is going and who they are going with. In addition to calling other parents, you should also ask your teen questions. For example, if your teen says that he or she is going to see a movie, ask detailed questions about the movie. Do not let your teen get away with short, generic answers to your questions. You may also want to consider getting a special cell phone tracker for your teen. Your teen will most likely complain that you are “overprotective” or “invading my privacy;” however, they will be likely to use the cell phone if that is their only option for a cell phone. The newest option for cell phone tracking is the Disney cell phone which allows parents to manage who your teen talks to, how long they talk to particular people, and where they are at. If you do not want/need to have a cell phone tracker, it is important to have access to your teen’s text messages. For example, you can make a rule that teen’s cannot lock their phones.

How to Monitor your Teen Attending Parties

Teens have always attended parties; however, some of these parties may not be what your teen expects them to be. It is important to set up a system with your teen regarding unsafe or uncomfortable situations. Parents and teens can set up a code word or other type of system where the parent will know to come and get their teen immediately if their teen calls and says the code word. Your teen should know that no matter what the circumstance, it is always better to call their parent rather than continue to stay in the unsafe situation. Another tip for parents is to consistently have a 5-10 minute conversation with their teen when they return home from a party to ensure that your teen has not been drinking or taking any type of drug. If your teen expects that they will have to face you when they return home, they will be much less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol. If you are unable to stay awake until your teen returns home at their curfew time, you can sleep in your teen’s bed until they return home so that they wake you up when they are home safe. In this case, parents are able to monitor whether or not their teen has returned home on time, as well as whether they have been drinking/using drugs. Finally, if the party is in your home, you have more access to monitoring your teen’s behavior. A trick for checking on your teen without appearing to be an overbearing parent is to put snacks in small bowls which will allow you to go into the room with your teen several times throughout the party to refill the snacks.

How to Monitor Computer Use

It is important to have the computer in a central location (e.g., living room) in order to easily monitor your teen’s computer use. Your teen will be less likely to look at questionable websites if they know that someone could walk by and see what they are doing. Furthermore, it is important to have access to your teen’s facebook, myspace, or twitter pages. Parents can handle social networking sites in several ways. First, parents can set up their own accounts and add their teen as a “friend” on these sites so that they can view their profile, pictures, and messages. Second, parents could make a rule that they will know the passwords for these accounts so that they can periodically check them. Finally, your teen may be very much against having you as a “friend” or having you check their account so you can designate an aunt, uncle, or cousin to add your teen as a “friend.” Your teen will be more likely to add an uncle or other relative than you and this way your designated person can monitor your teen’s activity and report back to you. Parents can also use a parental control program such as CyberPatrol, Spyagent, NetNanny, or WebWatcher which will allow you to monitor chat conversations, web browsing history, and take screen shots of your teen’s web activity. Parents can also use parental control programs to block certain sites to keep your teen safe.

Talk to your Teen’s Teachers

Teachers can be a valuable source of information about your teen. Your teen’s teacher may know information about your teen that you may not because they can see who your child talks to everyday, know how your teen learns, and what your teen talks about doing after school. You may be surprised to know that teens often share more information in front of teachers because they think that teachers are not listening. Just as it is important to know how your teen is doing academically, it is also important to know how they are doing socially when they are at school. Teachers can also help you better understand the lingo or special language that teens use. Teens often use language that has double meaning which is important to understand. Furthermore, teens often use hand gestures, wear clothing, or create symbols that may have inappropriate meanings. It is important to understand your teen’s lingo or slang to decode their conversations which teachers can help you with. You can also visit urbandictionary.com to look up particular words or phrases that your teen is using.

What Parents Should Know

Parenting is a very hard job and one that does not come with a manual! While you want to keep your teen safe, it is also important to give your teen some level of independence. Your teen needs to learn responsibility which will come from teaching your teen to make good decisions and rewarding/praising your teen for good decision making. It is important not to make decisions for your teen unless their decisions put them in danger to themselves or others. Remember that your teen WILL make poor choices at some point in their development and that this is a healthy part of growing up. Your teen will need to learn that there are consequences for making poor choices and it is your job to issue the consequences. Using the techniques listed in this article will make it easier to know what your teen is doing and will help you teach your teen to become a responsible adult.

Written by Amy Braun, M.A.