Hermione's Heart

Friday FAIL

2012-01-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

An unfortunate juxtaposition of two completely unrelated advertisements.

You broke my cane!

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000-05:00

It's true! Last week I actually broke a cane. Yes, it was me, not Ron. But it wasn't on my bottom. To be honest, it wasn't actually a cane; Ron prefers to call it a walking stick.

Let me start from the beginning. We went for a walk, and because of the icy road conditions, I slipped and twisted my ankle. I didn't actually fall, and it didn't hurt much, so we continued our walk. But once we returned home and I had settled down to read, my foot started to throb quite painfully. I rubbed it a bit, and tried to ignore it, but when the phone rang, I could only limp slowly across the room to pick up the receiver. Ron brought me some pain pills and gave me a nice foot massage, which helped quite a bit. By dinner time I struggled to stand up and had to hold onto various pieces of furniture to reach the stairs. It was going to be a long evening.

"Think of it as a spanking," Ron encouraged me as I climbed the stairs. Yes, I'd thought of that too, but somehow the pain in my foot was much different from the familiar pain in my bottom. I was going to need some help, and I saw just what I needed when I reached the top of the stairs. Ron's walking sticks were in a corner beside the front door. He always carried one when he goes for a walk, to fend off any loose dogs roaming the neighborhood. I selected the shortest one, a light wooden cane with a carved horn handle, and experimented. It helped immensely, and I was able to get to the kitchen with minimal difficulty.

While Ron prepared dinner, I sat at the kitchen table, my foot resting on a chair, and supervised. I felt a bit guilty letting my husband do all the work, so i thought I could do a little to assist him. I tried to stand, leaned too heavily on cane and the handle snapped off with a loud crack.

"Sorry, I broke your cane," I apologized, and sat down again.

"It's not a cane, it's a walking stick. It doesn't matter; I can fix it." Ron brought me a sturdier metal one that I wouldn't be able to break, stood it in the corner behind me, then went off to find some glue.

I left the rest of the meal preparations in Ron's capable hands, and the result was delicious. When we had finished dinner, he asked if if needed any help. I said he could pass me the cane.

"You want me to cane you?" Well, maybe later. I wasn't exactly in the mood for more pain at the moment.

I managed to struggle down the stairs with the help of the stick and the railing. Ron was right behind me, and as I reached the bottom, he gave my seat a couple of smart spanks as a little encouragement. Talk about motivation!

A few more painkillers and a good night's rest did the trick. By the next day I had recovered enough to walk unaided, and the broken cane was also feeling much better.

I'll have to remember to take him up on that offer of a caning.

Wednesday WIN

2012-01-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

Some businesses draw more customers than others, especially when their names are on the kinky side. Here are two of them, courtesy of The Huffington Post.

For the complete collection, visit Best Pun Store Names.

A Newspaper Startle

2012-01-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

The latest smartphones have an autocorrect feature that sometimes get their users in trouble.

This startle appeared in our national newspaper as part of an advertisement for a new program on CBC Radio 1. The subject of an episode to be broadcast the following day was funny autocorrect mistakes. I'm not sure how they could pull that off on radio, because it's so visually oriented, but radio presenters are pretty clever at making us "see" with our ears.

If you want to read more autocorrect fails, this site is one of the best.

From the Top Shelf - Favor Me

2012-01-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

"Favor Me" by Jenesi Ash is quite a steamy short story from Naughty Bits 2, an anthology of erotic fiction. The narrator is a young lady who enjoys being filmed while having sex, and her wealthy lover takes care of all her financial needs. This scene takes place in her lover's office; she has arrived wearing a raincoat and little else. He closes the door, removes her coat, and she notices that the window shades are open. If the people in the offices in the next building look up from their work, they can see quite clearly what is happening.

She removes her lingerie slowly, doing a lap dance. Leon's swivel office chair gets quite a workout. Then:

Deciding I've been patient long enough, I let go of the headrest and grab his belt. My hands fumble as Leon continues to tease my nipples with fingers and tongue... I tug his belt free and lift myself up just a little to unzip his pants. Leon skims his hands down my hips and holds me still. "Stay like that," he says softly...

I can't think straight with his hands squeezing and massaging my ass. He flattens his palm and my knees start to tremble. I know what he's planning just as he gives me a hard smack.

I gasp as the spank echoes in the room. Sizzling heat spreads through my buttocks and he smacks me again. I swallow back a whimper...

Leon spanks me again, only harder. I glance at the shut door. Can his secretary hear Leon spanking me? The idea drenches my pussy.

... I feel dizzy but I can't climax. I don't know what's wrong. And then someone in the other building looks out the window. A businesswoman frowns as she watches me. My pulse quickens as her brow clears and understanding hits... I stare out the window, gulping for air, my heart racing. The woman from across the street guiltily looks away.

You Completed the Caption

2012-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

Here's the caption roundup that has the sagebrush smokin' and the coyotes howlin':

Michael M: Catching me is the easy bit. You'll have more difficulty getting these jeans off!

Spanky: Once I get my hand out, I'll show you a rope trick.

Kingspan: No one knew the rich girl from back east was the biggest cattle rustler in the territory - no one except the man Daddy sent to bring her home.

Sunnygirl: Girl, I'm goin' rope you in.

Simon: Harriet Houdini was surprised when the audience member she had invited to tie her up took the chance to grab her bottom. Surprised but not that upset.

Michael: "Hey, cowboy, is that a brandin' iron in your pants or are you excited to have roped me?"

Vfrat25000: Hey you little firecracker, have you ever seen the movie “McClintock"?

Getting a little cozy aren’t you?
Sorry about being so close lady, my finger is caught in the knot of my rope.

You got a smoke, Tex?
Sorry, no smokes lady. If it helps any, I plan on smoking the seat of those jeans as soon as I can find a place to sit down

What are you going to do now that you lassoed me cowboy?
Uh, I don’t know, I didn’t think this plan all the way through.

Airport Security Lady - What are you hiding under there?

I hope they get these publicity photos finished quickly, my head itches from all this hair goop.
What are you complaining about, you should see what they put under this shirt!

A. Lurker: Rawhide!

Get along little doggie!

I "herd" that smart remark!

Kitty: Hmmm, your bottom isn't padded after all.

Prefectdt: "It's a nice start honey, but you can't call yourself a shibari master yet."

Blondie: "First knot done, now clothes come off. Then I'll show you the rest of my rope tricks"

Six of the best: "If you got ants in your pants lady, you need a few good whips, on your hips".

Bonnie: "I love a cowboy who know how to use his lariat."

"They're as real as that saddle horn you're poking me with..."

Ricky: So you finally caught me, eh, Big Boy?

Lea: "This is what you meant when you said you were familiar with rope work?"

Ken: Watch out big boy, or I'll BUST you in the mouth!

Ronnie: "Well, hello there big boy, what's your next trick?"

Hermione: Little did Tex realize he had just challenged the former double-dutch champion of Preston Elementary School to a skip-off.

Thanks, everyone, for the great captions. I think you'll have even more fun with the picture I have ready for next week. See you then!

Complete the Caption

2012-01-21T17:00:00.000-05:00

Continuing with our country theme from last week, here's an interesting couple.

Complete the caption by leaving a comment and I will publish your suggestions in the next post.

Friday FAIL

2012-01-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

This advertisement is offensive by today's standards, but you gotta love the brand name.

Storage Wars

2012-01-19T15:30:00.000-05:00

The other night I wandered into the family room where Ron was watching an episode of Storage Wars on television. If you haven't seen it, it's a weekly program about people who bid on the contents of abandoned storage lockers at public auctions, in the hopes that there will be something of real value hidden inside.

I sat down to read, but my attention quickly turned to the show when I heard the word "canes." Glancing up, I saw an assortment of canes that the winning bidder had purchased and was having appraised.

I couldn't find a film clip of that episode, but I did manage to locate the script. Here is the dialogue, transcribed as it was spoken. It sometimes isn't exactly clear who is speaking - the owner or the appraiser - but you'll get the idea.

I found several canes in a locker that I supposedly overpaid for.
I'm taking these canes to a friend of mine...who deals in high-end merchandise.
There's some nice pieces.
And I just--i just got some canes in.
This came out of a great estate around Baltimore.
Carved ivory.
Mechanical canes.
What does something like that sell for?
Oh, I'm estimating in the auction about $8,000 to $10,000.
$8,000 To $10,000.
Wow.
So if his canes are worth $8,000 to $10,000, I can't wait to see what mine are worth.
Great, very nice.
Well, hopefully mine are worth a little bit more than that.
Well, let's look at yours.

This is kind of interesting.
Uh, these are a little different.
This particular cane, this is probably a whale tooth that's been put on this cane.
And this is actually a walking stick.
It's very unusual.
You know, it's got some damage.
It's a composition of maybe plastic.

This is really interesting here.
This is actually a plantation cane, commonly known as a slave master's cane.
Very good condition.
Well, it's good that my dad didn't have one of these, because he didn't mind giving me a good ol' whoopin' every once in a while.
You probably needed one once in a while.
I needed several.
Didn't we all?

This is probably walrus tusk on this one.
And this is more of a folk art cane.
A little crude, the carvings.
Got the alligator on it.
That's kind of interesting.
I would estimate these canes ..$150, $250 apiece for 'em.
$250 apiece means an extra 1,000 bucks.
With that and the furniture, I'm looking at $5,000 on this unit.

[laughs] - And it's a nice little collection of canes.
Fantastic.

These aren't the actual canes from the episode, but aren't they pretty?

Wednesday WIN

2012-01-18T16:00:00.000-05:00

All those poor tops, halted in their quest for bottoms to spank by an untimely snowfall.

In subspace no one can hear you scream

2012-01-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

Subspace has always been a mysterious phenomenon to me, a mystical state of mind that has been described in various ways by those of you who are able to reach it. If you have to ask what an orgasm feels like, you have probably never had one, and I believe the same holds true for subspace. I may have had a glimpse of it once in the past, but only for a moment.

We were recently engaged in a particularly enthusiastic spanking. Ron had four implements lined up and ready to apply to my bottom: three wooden paddles of various sizes and shapes, and one leather paddle. As each one in turn hit my tender derrière I let out a protest. My "Ow!" was especially loud when the paddle hit what my husband calls my wow spot, the area that spans the base of my buttocks and the tops of my thighs. It is a tender place and the swats hurt much more there.

So we went on, and each time a different implement smacked against me I felt a fresh wave of pain. I was beginning to fear that I had lost my resilience and was not longer up to hard spankings. Then, unexpectedly, my world shifted. I had an odd sensation of floating; I was hovering over myself as I lay there. I could still feel the bed under me, but somehow I was also detached from it. Was this subspace? The thought immediately came to mind, then I worried that if I tried to acknowledge it or analyze it, the feeling would vanish.

It didn't. The nice, floaty feeling stayed with me. The swats continued from cheek to cheek, and they no longer bothered me. I didn't even feel them. The ones to the tops of my thighs still seared me, but i merely acknowledged the pain and moved away from it. At some point I realized that I had become silent, so I struggled to respond, but the only sound I could manage was "Mmmm." Ron concluded the spanking by saying, "We're done. You've stopped being noisy."

I blinked and wondered what would happen when I stood up. Nothing much, except that I didn't want to come down quite yet. I asked Ron to rub some lotion on my bottom, and that prolonged the return to reality for just long enough.

I rarely think of looking at the clock both before and after a spanking, but for some reason this time I did. Ten minutes had elapsed since we began, and that was ten minutes of continuous spanking, with only a short pause to switch implements. I'm guessing that the final two, or possibly three, were spent in that mysterious netherworld.

From the Top Shelf - Chance of a Lifetime

2012-01-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

Getting a new erotica anthology* is always exciting. I quickly skim through each story, always on the lookout for the good bits that I can share with you here. Imagine my delight to find that the first story in the collection, Chance of a Lifetime by Portia da Costa, was completely devoted to our favorite pastime.

A young woman takes a temporary job as a cleaner for a marquess, and finds a stash of videotapes while performing her household duties in his mansion. She watches one and finds that it's a film of her employer spanking a woman. The scene excites her, she begins to pleasure herself while she watches, and her employer catches her in the act. He sentences her to a spanking - her first - which she both dreads and desires. She presents herself at the appointed time, and after some preliminaries, is made to undress.

"And now to business," he says briskly... "I think I'd like to bind you. Are you okay with that?"

Speechless, I nod like an idiot as he reaches down the side of his chair and pulls out a length of soft, silky cord. I feel it slide over my hip and flank as he turns me to face away from him, and then, bringing my hands behind me, he fastens them at the wrist.

I think that this is it, but suddenly he produces another length of cord and, pulling my arms back tighter, he winds it around my elbows, drawing them together.

"And now we really begin," he says softly, taking me by the waist and pushing me from between his knees. Then, settling himself more comfortably in the chair, and setting his booted feet more squarely on the floor, he nods to me, his eyes dancing with lights and a subtle smile on his handsome face.

I know what he's indicating. That I should assume the position.

It's difficult to settle elegantly across his lap with my hands tied, but I do the best I can, not wanting to disgrace myself. Even so, he has to more or less grapple me into place, setting me at precisely the right angle and elevation and disposing my limbs and torso in the optimum position to present my bottom to his hand.

I wait for the first spank. The first the first real one...the tap the other day was nothing, I suspect.

But it doesn't come yet.

"Mmmm..."

It's a low, contemplative sound, and as he utters it, the marquess gently cups my bottom cheek, testing its resilience... He grips me harder and I have this sense of some kind of computer in his brain calculating, calculating. How hard to hit. How high to lift his hand for the downstroke. How many slaps is optimum.

"Ready?" he asks, to my surprise. I'd expected him to just take what he wanted. He's in charge, after all.

And yet, is he? I bet if I said "no," even now, he'd immediately desist and help me restore my clothing to decency and propriety. But no way would I do that. I want what I want and it's what he wants too.

"Yes," I whisper, barely able to hear my own breathy voice over the bashing and thudding of my heart.

"Good girl."

And then he spanks me.

Oh, dear God! It hurts! It hurts so much.

What a shock! I'd expected a tingle, a little burn...something that's as much pleasure as pain.

Bloody hell, how wrong can you be.

It's like he's slapped me with a solid hunk of wood rather than his strong, but only human, hand. For a moment, both mind and bottom are numbed by it, but then sensation whirls in like a hurricane, I shout out loud--something indistinguishable--and my left buttock feels like it's on fire.

And that's just one blow.

As more and more land, I realize in astonishment that in that first shot, he was actually holding back...

The whole of my rear is very quickly an inferno, and the heat sinks like lava into the channel of my sex, reigniting the desire, the grinding longing I felt...

I know I should be quiet and still and obedient. I know I should just accept my punishment like a good little girl. Perfect poise. The perfect ability to absorb the punishment with grave and decorum...

I feel as if I'm going out of my mind, and yet I know, in some still-sane part of it, that I've never been happier in my life. Despite the pain and the strangeness and the sheer, unadulterated kink of what's happening to me, I know that this is where I should be and who I should be with.

And they live happily ever after.

*Naughty Bits 2

You Completed the Caption

2012-01-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

I had no idea there were so many tractor aficionados among us!

Kingspan: Her fantasy roleplay - Actress disciplined for missing her Daisy Duke audition - may have been a little unusual, but her boyfriend didn't mind in the least.

Spanky: Jed says, "Jethro, run and tell Granny I'll be late for vittles!"

Sunnygirl: Oh, Deere. You did say to rev up the engine.

Michael: "This year's crop looked exceptionally ripe."

Simon: The new brochure for Ferguson Farm Equipment had attracted a lot of interest but for some reason their tractors still weren't selling.

Bobbie Jo: Come on Hon. We'll have lots of fun if we take this to our favorite spot on the back forty.

Daddy: Nothing gets me running like a " Deere-iere "

Daisychain: Her cut offs had been cut a little more than she thought, but why not take advantage of the mistake....

Ronnie: "Do you like my seat?"

Six of the best: She says to him, "With this tractor you planted many things in life. Now for a 'spanking good time', try planting your firm hand on my naked rear end".

Bonnie: "Y'all like my southern exposure?"

Prefectdt: Paddle me faster. I can hear banjos!

Anon: Eat my shorts Spanko! Um..yeah, ok, I'll do it !

Anon II: "I've always been an IH Red (International Harvester Red) girl myself. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Vfrat25000: Old McDonald had a farm…until Daisy got it in the divorce settlement.

Hey Cowboy, I’d say it’s a good day to plant some wild oats.

If you think I’m cute, you should see my eight sisters.

Oh, thank you, you are the best husband EVER. I have always wanted a Lexus.

The publicity poster announcing “President Clinton’s Farm Improvement Program.”

Well hello, Mr. Brown. I am Betty Lou from down the road a bit. I hear they struck oil on your little old farm.

“You know, Clem, I was sitting here pondering something..."
"What’s that, Milburn?”
“Is it my imagination or are the ranch hands looking a bit different nowadays?”

“Holy Moly, Chester, I would sure like to spank that.”
“Oh for crying out loud, Buster, you say the dumbest things sometimes. Why would anybody want to spank a tractor?”

Lea: Joe figured this would work better than an "ON SALE" sign at the local John Deere outlet.

Rattan: "Cindy-Lou's inappropriate footwear for tractor driving lessons lead to on-the-spot paddle swats at Springfield Agricultural College"

Hermione: Everyone wanted to help out when it was haying time at Green Acres.

Well, that was fun! Thank you to everyone who contributed this week. Please join me next time to caption another wacky photo.

Complete the Caption

2012-01-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

You know the drill.

Caption this photo by leaving a comment, and I will publish your submissions in the next post.

Friday FAIL

2012-01-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Today is Friday the thirteenth, so here is a warning to everyone who shares a room. When you aren't fully dressed, always be on the lookput for roommates with cameras, taking pictures in the mirror.

Look very carefully at the unlucky girl in pink, with her back to us. Can you see why this is a fail?

Ass Appreciation Society

2012-01-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

A frequent visitor to my blog spotted this picture in her local paper and very kindly sent it to me. It's always fun to see a startle, especially when it's the most memorable bottom of 2011.

No wonder it inspired the Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society on Facebook.

Wednesday WIN

2012-01-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

What could this well-dressed woman possibly have in mind?

Not What it Looks Like

2012-01-10T16:00:00.000-05:00

A painting of a leopard. Very nice.

But look at it from a different angle.

The lady is the leopard.

Rather an interesting form of bondage.

From the Top Shelf - At Home II

2012-01-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

This selection from At Home by Bill Bryson is taken from the chapter on the evolution of the bedroom, which examines the sleeping arrangements of people over the centuries. The author refers to a passage written by John Aubrey, a seventeenth-century historian, about the marriage of Thomas More's daughter Margaret to a man named William Roper. For those of us interested in canes and their application, it leads to some interesting speculation.

...Roper calls one morning and tells More that he wishes to marry one of More's daughters--either one will do--upon which More takes Roper to his bedroom, where the daughters are asleep in a truckle bed wheeled out from beneath the parental bed. Leaning over, More deftly takes "the sheet by the corner and suddenly whippes it off," Aubrey relates in words that all but glisten lustily, revealing the girls to be fundamentally naked. Groggily protesting at the disturbance, they roll onto their stomachs, and after a moment's admiring reflection Sir William announces that he has seen both sides now and with his stick lightly taps the bottom of sixteen-year-old Margaret.

Was the suitor testing the resilience of his intended's backside? A sign of things to come, perhaps? Rather a novel way to ask for a woman's hand in marriage.

You Completed the Caption

2012-01-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

Housework can be so confusing! Here's what you had to say on the subject.

Michael: Whenever Joyce did housework wearing a dress, makeup, garter, hose, and heels then "accidentally" snagged her dress just when hubby Roger was watching she really didn't want to do housework at all, but rather have Roger "work" on her.

Anonymous: Suddenly, her panties blew off to reveal her shiny hoover!

Six of the Best: She says to him. "I'll plug in the light, if you plug my two holes."

Sunnygirl: Step away very slowly and you won't get blown away.

Simon: Simon's new maid wasn't the best cleaner he'd ever seen but her other qualities were blatantly obvious.

Mick:
Her: Honey, I'm caught.
Simon: You have no idea.

Sara: "I KNEW I was never meant to do housework! How do you turn this thing off anyway?"

Ronnie: "Henry, don't be so horrible. Please stop laughing and help me."

Dorothy thought it's a good job Henry isn't in as he'd certainly take advantage of me in this position.

Bonnie: "Housework sucks."

Emanuele: Don't unplug that yet, let me give you a hand dear.

Prefectdt: The electric skirt lifter that Gloria had received at Christmas was working better than she had hoped.

Jackie: The vacuum wanted some revenge on the little lady.

Ricky: Oh, hello dear! Well yes, I can explain everything!
Ahem . . .

Anon II: I tried to look like Marilyn for you, but the damned thing just doesn't work!

Recidavist: Darling, you said this wonderful machine would help with some of the regular household duties...well it's lifted my dress and hauled my panties down just like you used to do. What else is it for...surely it didn't come with a Slipper attachment...DARLING..tell me it didn't....

Anon III: Oh the marvels of technology dear, it's the same with our mobile phones...those rampant rabbits have got so much smaller since the good old days.

Vfrat25000: The Suckmaster 500 Panty-Inspector successfully completed its first field test.

Pawhuska Power Company’s new Energy Saving poster didn’t appeal to about 50% of the demographics but strangely enough the other 50% thought it was TERRIFIC!

Oh, Mr. Peterson…. you are a NAUGHTY…NAUGHTY BOY…Oh DARN, it’s just the vacuum!

Something very strange happened after Betty Lou used the Electrolux to vacuum up a bottle of Viagra spilled on the carpet.

The Cover Page for the New York Times’ Best Seller, “How an Electrolux Introduced Me to my Husband.”

Sir, could you do me a big favor and turn off the vacuum?
I’m sorry Betty, I can’t hear you, the vacuum is running!

Tex: Looks like someone is a little "behind" in her housework!

Spanking Desire: The boys walking by the window got a surprise when she leaned down to unplug the vacuum that was feeling frisky.

Jai: Busted! Don't you DARE think about unplugging that, young lady!

Rattan: Professor Pettigrew's patent for his 'Automatic Domestic Discipline Skirto-Lifter' never really took off. Fortunately, young Mrs. Pettigrew discovered that Skirto-Lifter cleaned the living room rather well.

Hermione: I just can't figure out this vacuuming thing. Can you show me just once more?

Thank you, everyone, for pitching in this weekend. I promise you next week's photo won't be about dusting, dishes, or laundry!

Complete the Caption

2012-01-07T17:00:00.000-05:00

It's time to do some housework, and this young lady could use a little assistance.

Complete the caption by leaving a comment, and I'll publish your helpful tips in the next post.

Friday FAIL

2012-01-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

An unfortunate name for a pharmacy.

Once you're there, don't forget to pick up some of this.

Implement Relocation

2012-01-05T16:00:00.000-05:00

Last week I decided that our kitchen looked pretty dull and needed some decorative touches to liven it up. I didn't want to do anything extreme or expensive (although granite countertops would be nice - sigh) and I like the colour scheme we have, so I decided to enhance the walls with some of our more decorative implements.

With Ron's help, I hung the heavy baguette cutting board beside one of the cupboards. Then, on either side of the window, I mounted the maple pizza cutter and the heart-shaped spoon using clear plastic hooks. Finally, I relocated the bamboo backscratcher to a prominent location near the dining room door.

The room has been transformed from a utilitarian kitchen to a spanko's paradise. Implements are within reach when needed, and they give me a little thrill whenever I see them, hanging there, waiting. Visitors will never guess the double purpose, I hope.

Wednesday WIN

2012-01-04T15:30:00.000-05:00

This lovely outfit appeared on poorlydressed.com as a badly-knitted gift, but I think it's quite lovely. Granted the sleeves are a bit long, but the fit below the waist is just right.

Washing instructions are included.

Full Moons

2012-01-03T16:00:00.000-05:00

Today let's have some fun with images that look like bottoms.

The first is a creative logo called two moons by designer Joe Prince.

How many bottoms can you see?

Then there is the stage with curtains closed and spotlights on, from VeryDemotivational.com

The giant red, blistered bottom received a standing ovation before the play began.

Finally, this is the lovely Dita von Teese.

Of course, it's not a picture of something that only looks like a bottom, it is a bottom, and a lovely one at that, even though she's trying to hide it.