Hers and His

The Gift of Giving Gifts

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

In every serious relationship, events involving customary gift giving are always treacherous. Gifts not only show your loved ones you care, but just how much. I appreciate those who feel that the incorporation of gifts in a relationship is just groveling at the alter of the materialism god, but for the rest of us, you must keep in mind that "not doing anything this year" is a bold faced lie.

With this past week being Julie and my two year anniversary, we have had many occasions to draw upon when advising people in the appropriate gift giving scenario. I feel that in our short history we have had a 99% success rate on gifts (minus the "#1 Patriots Fan" Jersey Julie made me, and yes, I'm deducting for the thought in particular).

There are some key elements you should focus on when searching for the perfect gift.

1. Listen - I'm not talking about listening for cues so that you can interject a canned "uh huh" or "I said that bitch is crazy". I mean pick up on the hobbies/desires of your partner, as well as the obvious clues. If your man has ever shouted "I sure would like to have this on DVD" as he watched the Golden Girls, that is a pretty clear indicator that he would be thrilled to open it on Shabbos. (note: rule does not necessarily apply to moments of intoxication).

2. Go all out - Unless you're on a joint budget with your giftee, there is really no harm in doing it up big, because more often than not, they're sort of worth it. Nothing quite says I love you like living without electricity for a month to say it.

3. Think outside the box - Sure, Julie will tell you that she'd want nothing more than something in a small velvet box, but where is the fun in that!? There are the old standbys, flowers, jewelry, a life-sized portrait of yourself; and while those options are all well and good, they lack any real thought or emotion. Do something that says "I know you. I've been watching you." Things that you know they would like but not necessarily everyone else would. That's why it helps to...

4. Think practical - There are things you can wear and things you need in your day-to-day life, but then there are those things you never knew you needed. Ones that would change your life for the better and make you question how you lived without it. It's the kind of thing your partner will hold onto forever, yes it may stick around longer than you, but at least the next schmuck has to look at it everyday.

Be wary though, entering the world of the hobbyist can be a tricky place. Whether they're a novice sculptor or a seasoned model trains enthusiast, there may be distinct level of precision necessary for purchasing just the right item. But above all else...

5. Be practical - Ok so she said "sailing would be nice." For the love of the materialism god don't surprise her with a 18' schooner (unless you live on the water or have an unusually large pool). Burdening your loved one with equipment that needs care, maintenance and space is a sure-fire way to find yourself sleeping on a boat.

Basically all I'm trying to say is, just don't buy them exercise equipment unless they explicitly say something like "I would like to purchase exercise equipment in the near future." With a little care and a lot of attention you can pull off the grace and success of Santa Claus, without all the pervy voyeurism.

The Engagement Trials

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

When you've been together for two years people don't seem to know how to treat you. One side is clamoring to know what date to save, while the other side scoffs at you for taking things too seriously "Oh you're still so new to this." (italicized for smugness). Depending on your first thought to reading "Engagement" in the title of this post can determine which category you fit into.

Julie has promised on multiple occasions to refrain from forcing the issue of marriage. That hasn't stopped her from including me in her daily Guess who I know who just got engaged? mailing list, each post-scripted with "not that I'm telling you to rush or anything."

You see, since the beginning I have been undergoing Julie's test of might: Her way of observing/grooming me into the perfect mate. She has told me many times that I am doing well enough to finish, if I wanted. Unfortunately for Julie, my desire for winning is slightly over-matched by my enjoyment of watching her sweat it out. Still I do take pride in knowing that I have almost passed all her critiques.

Employed ::check::
Financially stable ::check::
Has realistic aspirations ::check::
Adheres to the dirty dish stacking protocol ::check::
Maintains an equal disdain for all things ventriloquist ::check::
Knows how to write/use spell check ::check::
Ok with never doing karaoke ::check::
Can beat her at Boggle _____

There is a discrepancy with this last rule: Julie claims that she stated that I merely had to know how to play Boggle, not actually defeat her at it. Being the fair and balanced person that I am, it is only right that I honor my misunderstanding and insist that beating her fair and square is the only way to pass the jumbled word challenge. Now, I will not go into detail on how the game is played since, for some reason, it is far too complicated for half of the dating populace to comprehend.

I will say this though: I will fight tooth and nail to win. As far as anyone who has ever played her in the past is concerned, Julie is the grand master of Boggle. The only time she has experienced any resemblance of a loss was when I woke her up mid-way through a surpise game. Even then I only won by a paltry six points.

I don't have any serious tests of my own aside form:

Hot
Pretty smart
Pretty
Has the capacity to enjoy nerdy things

As it stands, this little 5x5 grid of plastic lettered dice is the only thing standing between us and an eternity of commitment. For now I'm just happy to be with her under my own accord.

Here's to two years being together, just because we want to.

Love you J

Life Unemployed

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Over the previous seven months I enjoyed the freedom and crushing depression of unemployment. For any of you out there considering trying it for yourself, I would advise waiting until someone (namely your current employer) makes that decision for you. Regardless of your means to end up in a position of joblessness, there are a few things to consider in order to be mentally prepared for your new found free-time.

With your 24/7 "Me Time" you will experience so much unbridled futzing-around you literally won't know what to do with yourself.

Take up skateboarding?

Learn an instrument?

Go all Kobiashi on the snacks in your house?

After just a few weeks devoid of responsibility, you will find yourself creating a daily schedule of your favorite time wasters.

(10am) Be awoken by the alarm. Ready to greet the day you slide over and gently hit the snooze button. "In five minutes I'll be able to spring out of bed"

(10:35am) After hitting the snooze button several more times you find the alarm clock to be of no use to you anymore. Your plans to make the most of the day now take a back seat to "get the most out of your most recent dream"

(12:30pm) Free from the clutches of the chirping clock beside your bed you rise like a freshly bitten zombie.

(12:45pm) Without the constraints of "when" and "what" can be considered breakfast, you fulfill all your dreams on one plate. Leftover Chinese and an ice cream sandwich? Sounds delightful!

(2:10pm) Daytime television never looked so good. You welcome your new friends Paul Williams and Phyllis Newman, and the other Young and Restless people like yourself. You attentively try your best to figure out who's sleeping with whom, and just exactly which one is the "evil" twin.

(3:40pm) After alphabetizing your DVD collection yields bland results you then attempt to sort them chronologically according to when you first heard about them.

(4:20pm) You do nothing at all.

(4:45pm) You finally muster up the strength to check for mail. You are not expecting anything, but the act of doing something you don't entirely want to gives you the feeling of accomplishment.

(5:25pm) Although you technically didn't have lunch it's time to find some dinner. You are tempted to try a new restaurant in the neighborhood so that perhaps you can suggest it to your working friends later on.

(5:30pm) You go to the tried and true restaurant of choice and order everything you've ever liked from there, because you're gonna need breakfast for the rest of the week.

(6:14pm) With your employed friends getting out of work you phone them up to see what they're doing/brag about your day. When they are too tired from work to hang out you brag some more and hang up.

(8:40pm) With the prime-time television starting you revel in the fact that "finally there's something good on TV" when you realize that it's repeats of things you've seen already, you continue watching.

(10:02pm) As you pass your old bedtime you become revitalized with the fact that you do not need to get up early the next day. With a ten-gallon-stride you march over to your computer to see what's new with the internet that you haven't seen before.

(3:45am) With tired eyes and a possible scarring for life you leave your computer. Your head brimming with wiki-facts you shuffle over to bed. You don't need to shower since you didn't really exert yourself today and whatever condition your mouth is in can stay that way until the morning, because seriously, it's too late to brush now.

Then you sleep. More soundly than you have slept in a long while. Maybe it's because there's no fear of the alarm which you already broke, maybe it's from sleep deprivation, but you will know it's because you are the ruler of your time.

(NOTE: All of the above activities are interchangeable with watching porn and playing video games)

Coming up on 2 years...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 20:32:00 +0000

Hey all!

With our 2nd anniversary this coming Saturday, we've been working hard at preparing for another crazy adventure that we'll be sure to share with you --- camping!

Besides making packing lists and telling Zane he can't bring his XBox or our new Tivo, we're getting ready to roll out a whole new website full of all sorts of goodies!

In the meantime we thought you might like some oldies but goodies...

All about us

My favorite blog post

Our craziest adventure

Our genius cat

Feel free to comment and tell us which post you've loved most or to encourage Zane to lock this down now that it's been two years... just sayin'.

A Hers & His Announcement!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:00:00 +0000

You may have noticed a lack of updates from us lately. Well, don't you worry! It's all for a good reason!

My fellow blogger (and life partner) Zane just got a full time job!

I am very proud of him and am excited for his new career. He will be doing post production work for a well established company that works with fashion video. I don't exactly know what that means, but I know that it's awesome!!!

Needless to say, he was shocked.

Congratulations love!

Dating with Balls (#7)

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:43:00 +0000

J
With lucky date number 7 on the horizon I thought what better time to try and grab some balls? Baseballs, that is. Zane's Dad has the hookup with Mets tickets, so we were able to enjoy our Mets for free, ensuring we got our money's worth.

Z
Not to put down the Yankees, especially after yesterday's loss but I have always aligned myself with the Mets. Baseball has always been a family outing for me; for as long as I can remember my father, grandfather and I have gone to Mets games. Always staying till the last pitch and almost never seeing them win. That is the extent of my affinity for baseball. As a game, I think baseball is best enjoyed in person or on the radio, ninety percent of televised games have about the same excitement as Antiques Road Show, minus the nifty tapestries.

J
My main goal for the date was to catch a foul ball, and with seats right along the 1st base line, there was a very high chance that it could happen. At least it kept me paying attention to the game the whole time. I am not what you'd call a baseball "fan" but I'd never turn down a chance to have a hot dog! When Zane and I first arrived, we decided to find some chow and cool off before making our way to our sauna-esque seats in the sun. Nothing says New York and summer more than a Nathan's hot dog, and never being one to be outdone, Zane's foot-long chili cheese dog kicked my puny dog's butt. In homage to Kobiatchi we did consume a total of 58 hot dogs, which at ballpark prices came out to about $1,000. But with those free cups of water to dunk the buns in, it made the experience very memorable. Well worth it.

Z
As an evangelical Jets fan, I live for football!...and Julie, of course...hi Julie. While I would insist on attending games regularly, my ill fortune has been flawless when attending "America's Better Pastime" as I have never seen them win. I'm a jinx - that must be it.

J
I wish I could tell you about the game, I think they lost. Hey, it's the Mets. But I did have a blast. I made friends (in my head) with the ball boy, shouting out "Anthony! Over here!" every time an unclaimed baseball appeared in his hands. I contemplated more lusty ways to get him to throw it to me, but with my date right next to me, I didn't want to make him jealous that I got a baseball and he didn't.

Z
People watching doesn't get much more fantastic than at a sporting event. There are the kids who are certain every swing of the bat will send a ball gently into their fun-size mitts, the drunks stealing seats in the front row, the hundreds of people waving like idiots whenever they catch-wind that their face is being projected somewhere, and of course the players.

Enter Josh Thole. Is he a great player or is he a great player? I haven't a clue. All I know his picture on the jumbo-tron is hilarious. "Josh Thole" I hear him saying like Matt Damon in Team America. What sort of selection process goes into choosing these pictures? They should really let their players compose themselves a little after a nap before taking the picture that will be shown to thousands of people multiple times nightly.

J
Another tactic of mine during the date was to befriend the right fielder (is that right? I just called him "the guy out there"). Maybe he would throw me a ball. Sure, it might still be in play, but that'd be fine. I can handle a little camera time. I learned his name was Jeff so I heckled him as much as possible without fully annoying those around me. You'd think all these tactics of mine would work, heck, from the sounds of my story telling I feel there should be a proud picture of me with a baseball at the end, but I don't want to get your hopes up. Zane promised when we got home he would throw my t-shirts at me with great force and make the "FFFFFFFTTTTTOOM!" noise of the t-shirt guns. That's love.

During the date I may have talked too much. I never get out to sporting events much so I often have too many questions, or rather comments about what's going on or who is scratching what or spitting where. Either way, I'd like to publicly apologize to Zane for being "That Girl." Luckily we had two even worse "That Girl"s behind us in the stands, who were busy trying to capture the best angle of David Wright's butt on their iPhones. They made it very entertaining.

Z
Julie's favorite subject to gab about was how one of the beer venders looked exactly like David Blaine (to her). Having been the only one to catch a glimpse of him in the first inning her description of him made him out to be just as mysterious as the real illusionist. When the chance finally arrived, this poor beer boy only looked vaguely like the ice-inhibiter. As Julie snapped picture after picture of him as he served the patrons sitting next to us, I couldn't help but imagine the real David Blaine in that profession.

Z
"Yes I'll take a beer."
DB
"It's already in your stomach."

J
The game went on the full 9 innings and at about the 7th I realized how rarely we stay out so late anymore. Fighting off yawns and the occasional head nod, I could have done with a couple less at bats. It made it easier to deal with the sleepies by having such a great date next to me. Being out in a new environment with the excitement of thousands of others around us gave this date that little spark of something new. Hand-in-hand navigating our way through the mobs at the end, it was nice to know that even if our team lost, we were the true winners. Another date under our belts and another evening of getting closer and sharing in something fun and out of the box.

Zane's Review

Baseball games make for a perfect setting for a great date. While games can run a bit long, it helps if you both are okay with staying for the same amount of time. Pro tip for early daters: there is an off-shot chance where you will get on the Kiss Cam. It is the most perfect segue into a first kiss ever devised. Just don't do what my other grandfather did on their first date with my grandmother and get tickets on opposite sides of the stadium. Then again seeing them now, maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.

For first daters to long time daters I give this 9.75 "innings before you will get the itch to take the date on the road" out of 10

Julie's Review
Tight Pants + Cups = Great Date. It was a combination of "Wow! We're so close to the action!" and "OMG We could get really hurt if a fly ball came our way!" The adrenaline rush made it a ton of fun. To top it all off, our pals could see us on TV every time a play happened in our little corner of the field. An evening in the warm summer air and overpriced food were just what the doctor ordered to make this a perfect summertime date. I recommend it for sports and non-sports fans alike, and if you see Jeff from the Mets, let him know he owes me a baseball. 10 out of 10.

Happy Drawn Thursday!

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

As of late yesterday I was considering foregoing this week's comic, but after a brief brainstorm I couldn't help but make it. I hope you enjoy it!

HERS AND HIS DRAWN!

I'll be returning soon with more textual content soon!

Summer Lovin'... Date #6

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:31:00 +0000

J
What do two pasty kids do to offend thousands of sun worshippers on a blistering hot day? Why go to the beach of course! This week Zane and I dragged our heat stroked selves to the sands of Jones Beach, a nearby oasis on Long Island to soak up some sun.

Z
Nothing says 100-degree heat wave like sitting half-naked on a plot of sand. Like many other activities mentioned in these date reviews, I am not much of a beach person. I don't mean to sound so "glass half empty" but after many evenings creeping myself out with pictures of deep sea monsters, the thought of the ocean (and subsequently "beaches") spurs imagines of murky deeps, hiding such nightmarish creatures such as the Siphonophores and the Angler Fish.

J
Slathered in sunscreen and armed with a picnic basket of treats, we were ready to go. Being city dwellers, we of course did not have true beach going gear. Bathing suits yes, but beach towels? Nah. We used an old tablecloth. Flip-flops for Zane? Nah. Nothing's cooler that brushing sand out of your tube socks. Boogie board? Nah, we're more game board people.

Z
Aside from standing at the water's edge and letting the breaking waves try their best to knock me over, beach visits for me often amount to timing my next snack and keeping the blanket as sand free as possible. As OCD as it may sound it has always been a great way to keep busy while my fellow beach goers lay still, offering up their bare bronzed bodies to Ra, the sun god.

J
We amused ourselves with endless games of Monopoly Deal, and watched as the surrounding sun worshippers baked to a crisp even George Hamilton would envy. Of course there were your typical beach bums, clad in Speedos and natural fur coats Darwin spoke of us shedding. I found it hard to compete with some of the women shipped in from what could only be Brazil - teeny bodies, teenier suits. But more on them later.

Z
Unlike beach visits in the past, this time I was fortunate to have a fine bikini-clad lady by my side. Long gone are my days as an awkward teen, nervously scanning for any brawny Steve McGarretts looking to steal my girl. Now I sit back and relish in Julie's head-turning abilities. Envy aside, Julie was the perfect distraction for my boney, Casper-hued complexion.

J
This being our first beach trip ever, we felt like giving ourselves a leg up against the sun by not arriving until 4pm. Some may scoff but I thought it was the best! People cleared out a bit and sunscreen need only be applied once, if not being optional altogether. For a person who turns into a lobster from just thinking about the outdoors, I appreciated this.

While the weather was steamy, the water stayed frigid as often happens in the Northeast. I remember vacations to the Carolinas with water as welcoming as a bath drawn by your cabana boy. But this day the ocean more likened the icy drink the cabana boy’s jealous ex would throw at him for drawing you that bath. "How dare you!" the water spat at my relief-seeking toes.

Not wanting to step on a jellyfish and refusing to remove my eyeglasses, I was more than happy to lounge in the sand and soak up the view. The water was so filled with people it reminded me of that scene in Titanic, but with more whistle blowing. The lifeguards tried to contain the countless bodies but really seemed more interested in their bronzed muscles. (Which I don't blame them for.)

Z
It was tough holding back urges to steal some child's tools to build my own sand castle, or to surprise Julie by burying her up for her neck in sand. Fortunately there were plenty of good sights to take in to keep the afternoon entertaining, among them the slew of people who should never be shirtless and those who should always be.

At the beach, there are fashion choices you would never see anywhere else. One in particular was a buxom woman clad in a white fishnet dress, over a thong bikini. As she and her meathead boyfriend were likely thinking "this outfit is hot!" but as a casual onlooker I could only think of the unsightly sunburn it would leave. Cross-checkered and beet red like a Christmas Ham she would attempt, in vain, to lather the sore diamonds with lotion as her man freaks out that she might get aloe on the interior of his Dodge Charger.

J
Ladies, if you go to the beach with your man, why do you always look like you're there to pick up someone else? Answer: 'Cuz it works. I sat amazed, feigning interest in some story Zane was telling as I watched mesh dress/thong lady somehow get another guy to come over to her and her boyfriend to "personally train" "them." In my mind they had never met before and this ballsy trainer guy swooped in and third-wheel-style stole that guy's girl. Either that or I was watching the appetizer portion of a three-way.

Julie's Review:
Hot weather aside, Zane and I had a great time ogling each other and those around us. We walked hand in hand into the sunset on our way back to the car. All in all it was a sweet date (minus all the boob shots he "accidentally" took with the camera) and I would love to do it again! 8.5 out of 10

Zane's Review:
As a noted opponent to beach bumming I had a very nice time with Julie sitting on the beach for a few hours. Whether swimming, or just simmering, an afternoon at the beach can be a great prelude to a romantic evening. Whether it's the salty sea air, seeing your honey wearing the equivalent of underwear in public, or the sea monsters plotting your imminent demise, hanging out at the beach gives an atmosphere that is second to none and offers up a nearly limitless array of activities that could feasibly all cause some accidental nudity. For new and old daters alike I give this 9 1/2 "Great reasons to spend time in your underwear in public" out of 10.

Hers and His Drawn #005

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:28:00 +0000

"Better late than never!" That's what I always say. Especially after a scare. Here's a drawing!

COMIC

It's that mushy time of year again...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 23:14:00 +0000

Today in history...

Bernie Madoff began serving his 150 year sentence. (2009)

James Frances Whalen was born. (1985)

Billie the Kid was shot and killed. (1881)

Zane and Julie met. (2008)

To honor Bernie Madoff's demise, I mean... the 2nd annual love fest for Zane... it's time for a survey!

How did it all begin? Pity. I bailed on a fun party to show up to my friend James' party that didn't have any guests yet.

Where did you meet? Outside the Beer Garden in Astoria, NY.

When did you meet? July 14, 2008 mid-afternoon

Was it love at first sight? It was sassy lust.

How old were you both? He was 22 and I was 24.

When did you have your first kiss? Weeks later once he finally broke up with his girlfriend.

Where was your first date? The entire lower half of Manhattan with highlights in Union Square and on the Brooklyn Bridge.

How long until you met the parents? August 25th 2008, so a solid month. We all moved him together. True bonding happens over hauling stuff.

When was it official? August 21st 2008 Once he finally wore me down enough to allow him to call himself my boyfriend.

The good...

Whats your happiest memory of him? Painting my old apartment in women's underwear so he wouldn't get paint on his own clothes.

Whats the sweetest thing he has ever done for you? The dishes.

Does he buy you lots of gifts? He showers me with thoughtful acts all the time.

Whats your favorite thing to do together? Explore a new area.

When did you know you were falling in love? When he made me a mixed CD but told me to "replace all the 'loves' with 'likes' since there aren't enough songs out there to express his level of feelings."

Who said I love you first? He cheated and told me "I glove shoes."

Is it true love? Well it's not liar love.

How do you know this? I googled it.

The bad...

Whats his worst habit? Hanging around people like me.

What annoys you about him? The fact that there's nothing that annoys me about him.

Has he ever hurt you badly? No, only enough to not show bruises.

Would he ever cheat? Only at Boggle.

Has he ever cheated? Only at Boggle. Like when he began a game without telling me just so he had a better chance at winning.

Do you trust him? As far as I can throw him, and luckily he's pretty light.

The ugly....

Best facial feature? His single dimple. My nose can't help but nestle into it.

Favorite part of his body? His cupid's bow, commonly referred to as his "wibble wobble" which is quite irresistable when he has a moustache and I have the urge to wiggle it with my finger.

Hair color? Jewish

What does he smell of? Video games and happiness.

What's he wearing when you picture him in your head? A sassy shirt.

Intimacy...

How do you feel when he holds you? Squirmy.

How do you feel when you fall asleep and wake up in his arms? Surprised.

How does it feel when he touches you? Slimey.

Does his touch give you goose bumps? Like the ice cold grip of Death.

Does he kiss your neck? No, he's team Jacob.

Deep and meaningfull...

Could you be without him? Yes. While I'm at work, going to the bathroom, in a plane, on a train.

Do you think about him constantly when you're apart? Sometimes I wonder if he'll ever leave.

How long have you been together? 2 years! And I can say that without the obligatory "trying to make it longer than it has been to somehow validate our relationship."

Can you see a future together? There's more? I thought our contract limited us to a two year stint, perhaps Z has renewed us for another season.

Would you like to get married? Only for the excuse to watch more wedding shows on TV.

Have children? We have one cat who we refer to as our "fur baby."

Where can you see your relationship in a year's time? Me doing another survey with only slightly different answers.

Do you know there is definitly no-one better out there for you? A teenager definitely created these questions... I have been correcting they're spelling and grammetical errors this hole time. And yes, it somehow doesn't get any better than Zane.

How do you know this? I have dated everyone else in the universe.

Are you scared he might find someone better? I'm pretty confident he would have jumped ship a long time ago.

Is he your best friend as well as your lover? Yes, we have Best Friends necklaces. He's "Be Fri" and I'm "st ends".

Does he come first over everyone else in your life? Cat, Mom, My Car, Zane.

Would you die for him? Since he'd be the one pushing me, sure.

On a lighter note...

Whats the funniest thing you have ever done together? Been molested for our anniversary.

Say something that only you two understand: Leopard Convention

Do you have nick names for each other?

Does he make you laugh? More than anyone else I know.

Do you wrestle? UFC style.

His Favorites...

Food? Whatever I make for dinner.
Drink? Jack Daniels. Or water.
Sport? Football- Jets.
Past time? Magic: The Gathering
Animal? Buster.
Aftershave? Whatever his Mom bought him 5 years ago.
Clothing style? See above.
Band? Ececletic new things.
Music? Modern chill.

Your things....

Song? Saving it for the wedding. (To avoid complaints)
Place to hang out? At home.
Meal to cook together? Calzones.

Lasts...

Time you saw him? This morning before work.
Kissed him? This morning before work.
Spoke to him? Nope, I refuse to speak to him.
The last text he sent you? Debating my idea to purchase Cranium on a gift card.

When will you...

See him again? In 30 minutes if I play my cards right.
Tell him you love him again? When he earns it.

Have you ever...?

Spent the night together? No. He normally goes to the car to sleep at night.
Celebrated a holiday together? Every one since the beginning... pretty much.
Made him cry? I tell him they are happy tears.
Done anything spontaneous together? As often as possible.

Giving Love a Shot

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:34:00 +0000

When I asked Zane to pack a little more heat in our dates, I think he misheard me. Because Sunday morning I found myself being led to a mystery location for a mystery activity and all I knew was to “dress modestly” and “people may touch you but you won’t touch people.” What sort of religious orgy was he bringing me to?? Well, let me tell you, he brought me to a house of worship all right, the Republican house of worship.

Whenever the subject of marriage is broached in the Hers and His household I am always quick to spout out one of my favorite demeaning write offs "yeah, maybe if you held a gun to my face.." Living in accordance to my family's motto "Put up or shut up." I decided to give Julie a fair shot.

I may not be an expert on romance, but after running the gambit of dating, from dance lessons to a pleasant stroll I decided it was time for a more aggressive approach.

As my stomach started to turn the closer we got (and I didn’t even know who we would be surrounded by yet!) Zane began to apologize for whatever was about to happen. When I saw the Pistol Range sign I felt a sense of relief that the Catholic priest swinger party I had imagined was just a figment of my imagination. But if you look closely, the fear still remained in my eyes. Guns?! You brought me to GUNS?!

In the basement of 20 20th Street, Julie's surprise was about to blow her away. The Westside Rifle and Pistol Range was the last place I expected to find myself when starting this ten date program, though here we are, five dates in and I must admit, it was probably the most fun one yet.

Living in New York City you have to work around two things: stray bullets and the lack of fields. So when you get the itch to attempt skeet shooting, you have to be a bit more flexible, but you leave a little more eager to visit Harlem. Not to be a hater of gun toters, I just personally am not pleased to be around loaded weapons designed to kill others. As a kid, I found a loaded gun in an abandoned jacket at an after school job and the safety was off. Luckily nothing worse happened, but I still can’t fathom why they let that careless man have his weapon back with just a slap on the wrist and a “gee, you really shouldn’t be leaving that around.” Needless to say… guns… eek.

As I'm sure most of you are questioning "Why Zane, why? You bloodthirsty murderer, why are you soiling this sweet dating site with such aggressive violence?"

Truth is I have never been a fan of guns. As a lifelong (video) gamer I have been "around" guns plenty, more or less. My socio-political ideals aside I have never supported the existence of armaments in this modern civilization, but when I saw the skeet shooting date idea, I knew I had found my wild and crazy secret date to surprise Julie with.

Being that this was our first time there, we had to take a safety course.

So back to me slapping on a smile as I sat through class learning how to put the clip in my rifle. Luckily some bimbo looking waif was in class too to make me look a little more experienced. Unlucky for Zane, she was sitting right behind him as she inspected her (unloaded – phew!) rifle pointed right at his head. The instructor was thorough and a bit monotonous as we must have been his millionth class of kids who just want to try something “cool.”

Our fellow class members put us at ease over our newbie status. Having previously warned Julie the necessity of modest clothing it came as a bit of a surprise when the other woman there showed up in a dress and flip flops.

I wish I could have taken a picture of him, or the waif, but we were forbidden from taking pictures of others. The range is one of the most popular places for cops to practice their shooting, and we were not to disclose any of their identities. So… in lieu of a picture, let me describe our instructor: Elmer Fudd meets Jesse James. He could not have been more than 5 feet, had a face almost uncanny to Fudd, but covered neck to I could only assume toe, in tattoos. If this was not enough description, I have made a picture for your viewing pleasure. Zane has confirmed that this indeed is his spitting image.

After we signed away any of the rifle range’s responsibilities if I shoot myself or they shoot me or that bimbo shoots Zane, we were good to go. My hands had finally stopped shaking from holding the fake rifle just in time to wield the real thing. The simple steps that had been engrained in our minds made the procedure of pretend killing people much easier: clip in, pull the thing that makes the “woosh” noise, aim, safety off, kill. Repeating these over and over, I easily forgot all the worry I had brought into this date. Then I was able to let the fun begin.

I must admit, seeing Zane kicking butt with a big ol’ rifle was a little hot. The chain locking the rifle end to the tabletop so it only had about a foot of movement didn’t hurt. I finally chose to accept we were in a safe environment and focused on the target: being a better shot than Zane.

I have always discredited arguments claiming that video games train kids to be murderers, but after shooting 47 bulls-eyes out of 50 shots, I may need to rethink my position. Of course it could also be attributed to my great eyesight... Moral of the story: Avoid your carrots, kids.

After 10 hand-packed clips of 5 bullets each, I was pretty impressed. I had actually hit the target, nay, the bullseye! And multiple times. I finished with a bit of a contact high of lead dust and wearing really dorky goggles over my glasses. Might I note, the smell of fired bullets brought me back to playing in the woods as children with cap guns and that sulfuric odor when the caps exploded. Was I getting nostalgic over guns? Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But I felt like a bit of a rock star.

Having lived in the city for almost six years, you would think I'd know the sound of a gun shot by heart; well it wasn't until I heard the shots fired at the range that I knew, yes, I have always known what gun shots sounded like. The sound can be unnerving to some date goers, especially those who have been shot themselves. After an hour at the range it all becomes eerily comfortable. Still, it was nerve-racking using the bathroom on the way out and hearing shots echo through the hallway where Julie was waiting for me.

Zane and I definitely bonded over the wild adventure he had gotten us into! We left armed in armed, I mean, arm in arm, and headed to Jamba Juice for something a little tamer. As we left the most manly of locations and stepped onto the street, a man in nail polish and a tube top passed by and we had officially entered the twilight zone. Correction, we were just LEAVING the twilight zone and re-entered the typical lower Manhattan streets. Well that, and the Gay Pride Parade was in full swing. It was just what I needed to wash off whatever was left of Republican on me and round out the day.

Julie’s Review: Definitely something new! You would never think to do this as a date, well, I guess you did since it’s on the site – but I really recommend it! If not real guns, then at least a carnival game. The adrenaline boost that it gives you is great for romance and it makes you much closer after sharing the experience. While I still don’t feel pro-guns, I at least now know how they work and how to shoot an attacker if he has a big target on his chest. A+ and 10 out of 10.

Zane's Review -

This actually makes for an amazing date! The staff of Westside Rifle and Pistol Range were about as newbie-friendly as you will find. This is a great date for guys looking to display their manhood, and for ladies who want to show that they can handle their own. For first dates, I give this 1 "likely deal-breaker" out of 10. Though, for anyone who knows their partner well I give it 9 1/2 "This is what I think of your ugly throw pillows!" out of 10.

Hers and His Drawn #4! NEW SITE!

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:25:00 +0000

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE LATEST COMIC

Now appearing on the NEW Hers and His Drawn website! Stop by often for new comics, new features, and all sorts of fun extras.

So Julie REALLY wants to be in my family, huh? Episode 1

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:42:00 +0000

If Julie ever hopes to one day join my family she is going to have to learn to love my past. Not 'my' past per se but my ancestors'. This installment of Hers and His showcases one of my well known ancestors

Warren Gamaliel Harding, the 29th President of the United States.

Thought by many (before 2001) as the worst President in America's history, Harding is my great great great Uncle (on my mother's side). While Wikipedia has assured me that the title of "Worst President" was achieved scantly through his own actions and much more through those of his cabinet, I still take pride in knowing I'm related to someone who is considered the best at something (even if it's the best at being the worst). As you can probably guess after reading some of my posts that Harding was known for having terrible grammar. Upon Harding's death in 1923, E.E. Cummings was quoted as saying "The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead."

As a child I had a poster in my room of all the presidents. Despite having had it laminated it was one of these sheets with dotted perforations to separate each president creating something of a flimsy baseball card. On the back where a few stats about their presidency along with a famous quote. Lo and behold my dear great great great Uncle will forever be known by children with that poster, as the guy who said "I knew this job would be too much for me."

While the telling of his story is often fraught with scathing remarks about his poor grammar and his corrupt staff, I like to look at it in a much more positive light. Apparently Warren G. Harding was the first president to visit Alaska while in office. Sure that's where he died, but still. Also I relish in the fact that he invented the word "normalcy" (see, it's even in spell check!). So what if it's just a bastardized version of the word "normality" it is technically a word.

A few others facts:

He officially ended World War I
Overcame the Depression of 1920-1921
Kept liquor in the White House during the Prohibition.
Appears as the eighth link when Googling "Warren G" the other seven are of the rapper.
Created laws to combat the KKK when it was at its most prevalent.

Note from the Author: When I first started writing this post I meant to make it the first of a series chronicling all my powerful and important ancestors. Having a large printed family tree from my mother's side, we happened to find out that we are related to a great deal of royalty. However, this post took a turn. In my search for answers, I happened upon a cart on the sidewalk selling black erotica. Sitting between Ride Wit' Me and a Zane novel was the small red pamphlet that changed my life.

In the interest of good journalism, at the expense of "good" journalism I'm claiming this right now without actually having read it yet:

I AM BLACK.

According to my sources* this 18 page booklet contains lofty claims that Warren G. Harding, as well as four other American Presidents are of African decent. Sure, this is all pretty much moot seeing as we all descended from Africa, but either way that'd make me a couple hundred thousand years closer.

The proof is in the pudding, the choc... no I'm not going to use this as leeway to start making jokes in poor taste. Apparently the man pictured on the cover of the book along with Warren is his Grand Uncle Oliver. Stricken with a disease that made him 1/5 the size of a normal man while remaining proportionate... just kidding. In the interest of statistics here is how I've just blindly rated my ethnic background.

Now what should Julie think? Not only am I related to one of the worst Presidents in history, but also the first black President, and the worst black President at that!

Perhaps now I have a chance at avoiding becoming one of those corny old white dads that everyone rolls there eyes at.

*Amazon customer reviews.

Moments I realized I was an adult

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:11:00 +0000

As I'm rounding the corner to 30 (I know, I know... WAY far away still!) I realized something the other day... the days of being irresponsible and blaming it on the ignorance of youth are over. So I've compiled the following list of moments when I realized I was an adult. Enjoy!

When I voluntarily purchase my first green pepper.
When I didn't get carded at the bar.
When the toddler grocery bagger "ma'am"ed me and I appreciated the respect.
The fact that I refuse to purchase anything at the store unless my rewards card is swiped.
Comparing unit costs on my frozen vegetables.
Calling my mom to double check a recipe.
Being expected to bring something to a family gathering... I thought I was gift enough?
Watching Glee for the first (and only) time and being more attracted to the teacher than the students.
When a carton of ice cream can last me more than a week.
When children stopped seeing me as a peer and started looking at me like an authoritative figure.
When cashing in my bottles for nickels brings me great joy.
When the clock strikes midnight at a party and I am anxiously awaiting being in my pajamas.
No longer knowing how any movie ends because I fall asleep 10 minutes in.
Signing up for a 401k.
Understanding that 401k is not the latest "MLB 2K Sports" edition.
When people assume we are married instead of dating.
When asked how many kids I have.
Every time I see my mom when I look in the mirror.
Using words like "meetings" and "my career."
When summer stopped meaning vacation time and started meaning longingly gazing out my office window.

Hers and His Drawn #3!

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 15:03:00 +0000

Well it's Thursday, so from now on that means a NEW Hers and His Drawn! Soon I will have a section of the new website where you can view all the entries into the series, plus some neat little web-sitey type stuff, but until then keep looking out for new installments right here!

Click here for the creepy third installment!

Bust Poet

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:43:00 +0000

There once was a cat from Williamsburg...

Buster is a mysterious little fur face. He enjoys strings, cat towers, opening doors at 4 am, and crinkly tubes that make him feel invisible. Many wonder why he enjoys such things; well some of us believe he is trying to tell us.

On our small refrigerator (seriously, it is one step up from a college fridge) we have amassed a great deal of magnet poetry. For the longest time these little magnets have lain dorment. There are a few dirty phrases from when we first put the words on the fridge, but for the most part they have just been used for a little needed texture for the otherwise plain white appliance.

That is until it first caught Buster's eye a little over a month ago.

In the proceeding weeks Buster has managed to knock off more than 151 words. Eash carefully chosen to express his sick little imagination. Here, for your enjoyment, is Buster's unabridged first sonnet.

twirl with stupid

develop fall birthday career

happy quality

blue smell collect nature

woman option home can feded breakfast

page were challenging leader hat turn quiet

I love we

popsicle through under mom sun fun

storm dinner sing cocoon fat

here these boy excel slow inside baby which greeny me
remember experience basket sister on you the cry that lake meal

go away like or discover imagine strong spring

would heart collection

lake party fast but experience believe thunder were said

challengingful rocketr career

say tiger future baby
let as that very an

technology falling

his wish you friendship happy
through birthday develop grown-up mirror

are as her live

stupidest dinner time

inside some joy cocoon learning farm chair excel ask

explode courageously

the candle smell evening sports

come down love ear
big prepare were quiet

button year bird achieve

basket thud woman
gain dream feet

under how

summering

almost grass

Read into it however you like. Personally, I think it is detailing the epic struggle between the love of belly rubs and his fascination with the bathroom sink.

"The Greatest" Date Ever! Hot Date 4

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:34:00 +0000

This week we attempted the “Drive-In Movie for Two” while visiting my parents on Long Island.

Julie’s 12-Step Program to Having “The Greatest” Date Ever:

Step 1: Rent a movie entitled “The Greatest.”

Choosing just the right movie is always a struggle. After forcing Julie to watch Paranormal Activity and Ironman 2, it was only fair that I let this evening ride on the quality of a romantic _(fill in the blank)_. After a jog around the local Blockbuster, we were left with three options: Precious, Dear John, and The Greatest. Now, I know that Precious doesn’t really fit in with the aforementioned genre, and I’ve wanted to see it for quite some time, but I didn’t feel it had quite the romanticism that this night called for. Dear John is, from what I can tell, whole-heartedly a girly movie. Nothing about it tells me that I should watch it, nor have I ever trusted men named “Channing.” That left us with “The Greatest.” A seemingly unknown movie, it boasts a great cast and a touching premise. Only a fool would turn down a movie with the all-too-lovely Carey Mulligan in it.

Step 2: Make popcorn.

You should be wary though, as snacks can easily turn a “hot” date into a “Tums” date. Supplied with the plethora of junk food my parents kept laying about, we were all too eager to indulge in a fresh bag of Doritos. By the end of the movie I wasn’t feeling so inclined to embrace my love, but brace my stomach.

Step 3: Borrow a hammock.

If you don’t have a hammock of your own or friends who have trees, I suggest a blanket. Though not as “cuddle” prone, it will get the job done.

There is a near limitless range of ways this date can be done. In a car, on a sheet, in a hammock, under a tree, on a roof, in a bath, during a storm, in the attic, at the park, amongst livestock, in a graveyard, on a boat, under a bridge, really, I could go on.

Step 4: Find a flashlight.

Sure you could wing it, but I find that creepy things tend to come out at night; so appropriate lighting is a must (good luck enjoying the date now!).

Step 5: Assemble said hammock.

It isn’t necessary that one person does all the work while the other stand to the side taking pictures and accidentally shining the flash light in hers or his eyes, but really isn’t it just more fun that way?

Step 6: Gather supplies.

Step 7: Take pictures with help from your mother-in-law.

Because memories aren’t made, they’re captured.

Step 8: Kick out your mother-in-law.

Even if she was sure the hammock could fit three.

Step 9: Cuddle up in hammock together.

It was a bit weird figuring out how to situate all of our stuff, but once we got it down, it worked. Normally we’d be next to each other or leaning against one another during movie viewing, but this really wrapped us up into a little love cocoon.

For the snugglingly inept, hammocks are a great way to learn how to lie together. As anyone who has ever sat in a hammock with a parent or an enemy will tell you, the only way to share a hammock is to cuddle, any other situation will leave you wanting to… well, leave.

Step 10: Watch “The Greatest” movie and think it’s “The Pretty Goodest” movie you’ve seen in a while.

Pierce Brosnan, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan. Nudity, Sadness and Heart-Warming Gladness, this movie has it all.

I particularly liked the movie, without delving into a movie review I can say that it strikes all the chords of the emotional spectrum and really leaves you appreciating the ones close to you. Without spoiling too much, I will say don’t watch this in a car like the original date idea entails.

Oh, and as Julie mentioned “Carey Mulligan. Nudity,” so there you go.

Step 11: Enjoy the fresh air and cool night breeze under the stars.

It was beautiful and romantic and if it weren’t for the fact that we didn’t have a warm enough blanket and it was 2am, we would have spent longer out there just visiting.

Chilly weather and upset stomachs aside; when the movie was done I was ready to go curl up some more! In a corner somewhere warm. With Julie spooning me and rubbing me with vapo-rub of course.

Step 12: Rate it.

J: Going into it, I thought this date was going to be pretty mundane. Yeah, we like watching movies, so why not do it in a hammock? But just that little twist made it fun and exciting and a little cliché. I recommend this date especially for city dwellers. Special thanks to Zane’s parents for lending us their backyard and hammock for the evening! It felt like a true escape from the busy city atmosphere. I give it a romantic 9.5 out of 10!

Z: With this idea being so versatile it could really go any way when you attempt it. It takes all the comfort and joy of sharing a cozy night in, with the excitement (and possible adventure) of doing something off-the-cuff. Whether you’ve just celebrated your 5+ anniversary or are on a first date, you really cannot go wrong with the classic date idea and this fun new spin! From our experience I would give it a 8 bug bites out of 10. As a flat out idea, I’d say it’s a 10 sure-fire hits out of 10.

Hers and His Drawn #2!

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 12:55:00 +0000

See the mind blowing issue at Hers-and-His.com

And the winner is...

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 14:05:00 +0000

...Really guys?

You still couldn't decide between Rock Climbing and Segways. Midnight hit and it was tied up again, which only means one thing....

We're doing both!!!!

Get ready for some hot trips to the emergency room as we navigate our way up rocks and down concrete.

To be continued...

Hot Date Week 3: Wholesale Yoga

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:07:00 +0000

Wholesale Yoga

J
What do you get when you mix 2 hung over daters and a waterside sculpture garden? Apparently, inner peace. This week Zane and I participated in free Saturday morning yoga in a nearby sculpture garden in our city of Astoria. We stumbled upon it the week before while going on our monthly “free sample breakfast” at Costco. The two unlikely neighbors balanced our love for economy priced goods in mass quantity and the downward facing dog.

Z
The year-round sculpture garden showcases some of the most challenging and forward-thinking outdoor art in the city, or to put it less generously, a lot of strange crap. As a fan of marble sculptures I found it difficult to wrap my head about the complexities of the big grey square, or the car placed on a pedestal and painted gold to look like a trophy.

The park’s main attraction is the interactive art of people bringing their dogs to do what they do best; I feel it sums up the theme quite elegantly. Thankfully the park is large enough that it can easily accommodate a large Yoga group seeking peace of mind, without threat of laying on a piece of… art.

J
Showing up with mats in tow and the creases of our bed sheets still fresh on our faces, we again found ourselves not sure of what we were getting into. We came across two other women in the park laying out their yoga mats in the grass and decided to set up camp uncomfortably close to them in hopes they too were here for the class. Luckily they were, as were 50 other menopausal women and hippy hipsters alike.

They came in droves for what felt endless, with a sprinkling of men to probably pick up some new sex moves. P.S. The “Eagle” would probably land you in the hospital. No wonder they’re endangered.

Z
…but really who couldn’t use a little more flexibility here and there? Getting hot and limber would seem to be the only way to really kick off a steamy date. Then again, lying in a park amidst a sea of crunchy, new-wave women doesn’t really play well with those kinds of objectifying and lascivious intensions.

J
Eventually a woman arrived and greeted the mass of Zen seekers, she set up camp in front and began instructing us on breathing.

Part of me wished she was just some stranger who walked in off the street and saw people looking for a leader and an opportunity to touch strangers and not be questioned. But alas, credentials or not, she knew what she was doing and led us on a journey of self-awareness for an hour.

Z
Fending off a sore lower back and a light-headedness that could only be blamed on having sat through Sex and the City 2 the night before, I tried my best to be committed to the activity. Julie and I were no strangers to doing Yoga, however this was our first time doing it in public. Focused on not presenting myself as a newbie I may not have appeared as chipper as the other Yogis, since glancing at me reminded the instructor to tell the class they really should smile more.

I don’t know what it is about me and instructed physical activities, but there always comes a time when the instructor must manually adjust the way I’m doing something. During ballroom dancing the man grabbed my face from behind, and on this occasion I had my hands stepped on to teach me to be the best downward facing dog I can be.

J
Legs bent, heads flush with the rush of blood, my arms arched in ways I don’t think they were intended, yoga to me was a task of endurance rather than relaxation. My favorite pose was lying at the end and “reflecting.” I could reflect all day, in fact I think I’ve become somewhat of a reflective expert. By the end though, I felt very stretched out and ready for the day. Watching Zane wobble beside me as I struggled to keep my “tray table” up and my “seat” in its full, upright position made me feel better.

Z
It should be noted, Yoga is not for the faint of heart. Seriously, there was one position that we were told anyone with high blood pressure or bulging disks should sit out from. The affects of Yoga are very relaxing, though the road to get there is fraught with bends and balancing acts that will not come easy to some. Often, I found my leg trembling beneath me as I tried to maintain a calming, one-legged pose. Needless to say, I could definitely use more physical activities in my day-to-day life, but given the fact that I don’t consider myself really to be out of shape, it should come as a warning to anyone overlooking the face that it is technically “exercise.”

J
I never realized yoga came with its own Grey’s Anatomy of definitions; here are some of the parts of my body I worked today that I didn’t even know existed:
“Sit Bones”
“Belly Button Muscles”
“Warrior Legs”

Z
I could have sworn it was all a ploy to get us to be models for some artist hiding in the bushes crafting little figurines out of macaroni and pine needles.

Before long the lesson was nearing its end. Right away I noticed that the sore lower-back I had been suffering from all morning was gone, completely. Before we were to be sent on our way, the instructor stressed the importance of a relaxation period. Despite the start of some light sprinkling of rain all in attendance stayed. Given the option of either sitting up in with legs crossed or lying down we made the all too simple choice and assumed the position I like to call “The Nap.”

J
Once the class ended and we finally woke up for the day, we wobbled our tired warrior legs next door to do a more familiar exercise: scoring free samples.

Costco is great for those with large families or an unhealthy interest in mayonnaise. Being just the two of us with an “apartment sized” a.k.a. elfish fridge, we only buy the long-term necessities here. Soap, Shampoo, Tostitos Queso dip. We pride ourselves on never using a carriage and only buying what can be carried in our warrior arms. This limits the cost of our trips to under $100 typically. This Saturday, we really didn’t want to buy anything, but couldn’t help but go for the loaf of garlic bread for $3.47.

Namaste.

Z
It was too bad the samples didn’t come out until after 11, because it made us look like creepy sample fans, camping out an hour early to get the first taste of next season’s Chex Mix.

J
The sample stations were just being set up, so we did a couple loops and scored some cashew clusters. In terms of samples, this Costco trip rated a 2. Last time we were here we had a full 12-course meal while lugging around a 10 lb box of tofu. Who says we aren’t Zen??

Julie’s Review:
This was a perfect way to start the weekend! Free yoga is available all over if you look closely enough, and the energy of the crowd is much more relaxed than a studio class. I loved it, and it was nice to walk out of the park calm and in touch with ourselves. Plus learning to open your hips can never hurt! I give this date a 9.8! The other .2 would be tacked on if Zane let me by the 20 lb flat of Costco cupcakes, but I digress.

Zane’s Review:
One might think that all this bending and stretching would make for a pretty hot date, however, in context it is not an instant hit for pairs. There is little, if any connectivity during the instructional session, and those of you who are worried about their image may find themselves in an awkward position, especially if you are not particularly coordinated. Negatives aside, Yoga is a fantastic practice that will make you feel wonderful. While it should become a weekly ritual for people to rejuvenate themselves, I feel it is better suited as an “appetizer” for the main date.

I would say this idea makes for 6 deep breaths out of 10

Introducing: Hers and His Drawn! #1

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:21:00 +0000

I am proud to bring to you the very first installment of the Hers and His Drawn. Being a passive comic book fan my whole life, I have always tried to piece together a functional comic. As crude as it may be, keep in mind this is my first real comic strip ever! This is just the beginning of a hilarious journey into and around the absurd.

To view the first installment CLICK HERE!

You may be thinking to yourself "Hey wait a minute! That linked me to hers-and-his.com!!" Well you're right, we just got it! We probably won't make the transition over any time soon though, it's just too easy using blogger.

FINAL VOTE!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:11:00 +0000

Alright viewers, you have voted and your voices have been heard...

But we need you to make up your mind!!!!!

Rock Climbing and Riding Segways have been tied for the past few weeks. So it's going to come down to a lightning round. Which is it? You pick.

You can vote once per day every day but the POLLS CLOSE AT 11:59PM on MONDAY, JUNE 21st.

So pick your team, Edward or Jacob, I mean... Segway or Rock Climb!

**ONLY VOTE in this NEW poll, not the old!!!**

Paranormal Cativity

noreply@blogger.com (Julie) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:34:00 +0000

This past Saturday night, Zane and I decided to spice things up and add some excitement to the bedroom. And boy we did!

Not being a huge fan of scary movies [correction: really hating scary movies] I feel guilty keeping Zane from watching them and getting his kicks. So every once in a while I get the Tums ready and sit down for a night of crying. This is my definition of love.

Prior to this, Zane took the time to prep me to see The Crazies in theaters with a weeklong marathon of scary movies. Some of the classics were easy to digest and others, like Rosemary's Baby, were downright funny. With my blood pressure in check, I survived a 2 hour zombie flick with minimal peeing of my pants and only a couple eye coverings. Yay me.

Well, with all the hype about that Paranormal Activity flick, and having been told our bedroom was setup JUST like in the movie!! (Not a compliment to our design, but a warning of the terrors we would imagine.) We just HAD to indulge. [Correction: I didn't HAVE to do anything, but I owed it to Zane after he went to see Sex and the City 2 with me.] Damn you Carrie Bradshaw.

It started slowly and like a bad vacation video. Why do I care that this girl is being haunted? And why would she stay with such an insentive tool? I'd be scared too if I lived with that guy always video taping me. Oh? It gets scarier? Shoot.

So blah blah blah [no spoiler alerts!] it gets really freaky and I made Zane turn all the lights on in the apartment so I could make it through the end. Keep in mind, I thought it was scary and this is what it looked like about 90% of the time:

So after it was over and we were both cautiously moving about the apartment, making sure neither one of us spooked the other, I thought, "Eh, that wasn't so bad. I'm good, I'm good." We tucked ourselves in laughing about how spooked we had gotten and then---

BAM BAM BAM!!!

The lever to the closed door started flapping about crazily as if someone was forcing their way in. We both lept out of our skins and someone who shall remain nameless (but was not me) may have let out a cry that would make Hannah Montana look gruff. And THEN---

The door flew open in a big WHOOOOOSH!

And we SCREAMED!!!!!

And there sat little Buster, who had proudly watched us for months and chose THIS night to learn how to open the door all on his own!

El Sexo en la Ciudad

noreply@blogger.com (Zane) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Despite my demeanor, sense of style, gravitation towards paisleys, and my mother's personal opinion, I am a man. It has occurred to me that as a man, there are a few things you must never do: Never ask for directions, never interact with the man at the urinal next to you, never let them see you cry, and above all else, never watch Sex in the City. Just when I thought I had this whole manhood thing nailed down, along came Julie.

Allow me, if you will, a little preemptive saving-face...

I love football, the gorier the horror movies the better, I have watched the entire Original Star Wars Trilogy (IV-VI of course) in one sitting, and... well... I am a complete nerd in nearly all respects (i.e. my last example). I wouldn't say I pride myself on my masculinity, as I find gender roles to be antiquated, and well, there isn't much to be proud of anyway. I always keep an open mind when it comes to movies and TV shows that are geared towards women. I never complain on Thursday nights when Julie puts on her Patrick Dempsey Snuggie and hunkers down for two-hours of "America's Funniest Hospital Workplace Sexual Harassment Suits", or better known as Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, even if my film school background tells me to avoid them like the plague.

For those of you who have never watched these shows, they revolve around the careers and romances (as if they're separated) of hot-shot surgeons. Along with mixing the sexual melting pot of Seattle Grace Hospital, the doctors of Grey's Anatomy are challenged with odd and miraculous medical situations. "These two people are connected by a giant pole jutting through them both... It's just like my relationship with my boss."

As it would happen, the bedroom drama rarely stays in the bedroom, since every time we are shown a surgery, someone is bound to bring up the latest gossip. I can't imagine the patients would want to know where their heart surgeons hands had been prior to the operation. Good thing they are unconscious, otherwise they would find out that their surgeon isn't even anti-bacterially fit to prepare them a salad.

Private Practice, on the other hand, tones down the promiscuity (and the surgery) in favor of emphasizing the emotion of each medical sleepover, making Grey's look like its loose, party-girl cousin. Oh, and PP adds more babies, so obviously it's geared a little more towards men...

As I peruse the pink velvet case containing all six seasons of Sex and the City, it appears to be some sort of text book on monogamy. I don't know when I enrolled into Julie's School for the Giftedly Committed, but somewhere between Engagement Rings 101 and the Art of Painting Baby Rooms, I realized my window of opportunity to assert my manly spin on the relationship had long since been boarded up.

I cannot clearly recall how I agreed to start watching Sex in the City, or how I agreed to watch it enough times to have finished the entire series, plus two movies. As if clouded in an Ambien-induced haze, my memory of these choices are conveniently vacant.

I can't say I relate to any of the characters, aside from maybe some of the poor saps who dated the psychotic Carrie Bradshaw.

Charlotte was the one I found most attractive through most of the series, that is until she became possessed by some catty, racist, baby-crazy demon in the later seasons.

Miranda, the snarky one, provides the all too important voice of reason, always in true "Debbie Downer" fashion. You would think I'd be drawn to her pasty complexion and Irish blood, however with beauty being skin-deep and all, I have known better for some time now.

When Samantha isn't spouting some overly corny line as set up for a plot-driven pun, she can be genuinely funny. She spouts a fair amount of decent jokes throughout the series. The problem I have is that when retelling said jokes to family and friends I rarely get the response I'm looking for, I guess "dick" jokes don't really work out of context.

And finally Carrie... I don't want to be mean so I'll end it at that.

The men that appeared did add a bit of intrigue for me as I love picking out obscure actors. Whether it was Jim Gaffigan as the guy who never closed the bathroom door, Craig Bierko as an overbearing Jazz Man, or the reoccurrence of the guy who played Dexter's Dad and Raiden, in the second Mortal Kombat movie.

However, solace in the male roles was reserved only for these guest stars, as many of the main characters were just as intolerable as their female counterparts. I start with Julie's favorite, the Neo-Hippie, Applebee's-Lovin' Aiden. When he isn't acting like some kitschy Alaskan Radio DJ, he whines over Carrie's lack of commitment. I mean really guy, really, is Carrie really some wonderful prize that you just must lock down? By the time his character was introduced in the fourth season Carrie hadn't shown to be any great "catch", so why were all these men fawning over her so readily? Right! It's a TV show, I almost forgot.

Perhaps I watched out of the joy I got from changing the audio track over to Spanish on a whim, or pausing the DVD when one of the women were making a particularly heinous facial expression. The likeliest reason of all, is that since this was an HBO show there was always a very good chance of seeing some boobies. The be all, end all of the television-watching decision making.

Looking back, I'm glad that I watched it. Giving Julie the joy of sharing however many hours of her favorite show (I'm too afraid to count) has given me the ultimate trump card in choosing what will now run endlessly in the Hers and His household (not counting the frightening movie-experience I misguidedly forced us into with Paranormal Activity, as you will read in our next post...).

It gives me great pleasure to finally say "Farewell Prada! Hello Adama!" On to Battlestar Galactica!

*Julie would like me to acknowledge that when charged with the task going to the window to pick up the pre-paid tickets to Sex and the City 2 by myself, I was appropriately defiant.

Hers & His' Next Round of Hot Dating!

noreply@blogger.com (Hers and His) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:11:00 +0000

"Exploring the Sunnyside of Life"

J:
This week, Zane and I wanted to pick a date that really resonated with us. We selected 7 Walks because going on walks has been something he and I have always enjoyed. It’s a great go-to date that begins as a simple thought, but turns into an adventure! Typically once a week we go out on a weeknight and just explore our neighborhood, breathe in the warm summer air and catch up on our week. Some days we don’t need to talk at all, just walking together hand in hand is enough to reconnect us as a couple.

Z:
When we’re not following cryptic craigslist ads, or making use of some “buy 3 get ½ for full price” coupon we are searching for some part of the city we have never explored before. Having lived here for six years in three boroughs, I have seen that there are both a lot of great sights to behold, and a tremendous amount of blocks yet to be explored.

J:
As avid “people watchers” one of the greatest things about walking, especially in NYC, is soaking in the culture of whatever neighborhood you’re in. Hipsters in the Lower East Side, wealthy chic folk in the Upper West Side, geriatric Grecians in our area of Astoria.

Z:
Seeing as we've been walking a combined total of 48 years now, walking dates never fail at being easy and fun. Our history of going on long pedestrian travels dates back to our third meeting.

J:
When Zane and I first met we were introduced by a mutual friend at a party. Right off the bat we hit it off intellectually and had a very similar sense of humor. We ran into each other once more before finding each other online to continue our modern day courtship. I’m still not sure if I asked him out or just convinced him to ask me out, but either way we found ourselves meeting up one warm summer day in Union Square, one of my favorite places in this city.

Z:
As a student at NYU I would take a long walk at the beginning of each semester, as a way of conditioning myself for the year to come. No matter what situation might arise where I had to forgo using public transportation, my legs would be prepared. These "Great Outdoor Walks" as they would come to be known were always done solo; they were in areas I had never been before, lasted several hours, taken without breaks, and were often spur of the moment. While our first date wasn't as epic as some of my previous endeavors (Such one from the upper east side, through central park to the west-side highway, then down to the eastern seaport totaling 200+ blocks) walking at a leisurely pace while getting to know Julie was much more enjoyable.

J:
The plan was just to meet up at noon and walk around the city, simple enough and great for two people who just wanted to get to know each other. I freaked out right before we met up because it had been weeks since our first chance meeting, would I remember what he looked like? Thankfully out of a sea of tourists came one cute familiar face eager with the possibilities of the day. We never set an end time to the date and thank goodness because our adventure swept us away and led us over half of the city – enjoying the market in Union Square, walking around NYU to learn about his college, exploring the less touristy areas with my own personal tour guide, eventually sitting on the Brooklyn Bridge for hours with some Cheez-Its and soda and playing a game we made up on the spot. How many cyclists pass us in 10 minutes? How many people with maps in their back pockets? Well that just turned into us checking out stranger’s butts.

We played getting to know you games, telling one truth and one lie about ourselves, making the other guess which was which. In the end, it was my best first date ever, and it was 12 hours later. We didn’t even end the date with a kiss, just a friendly hug, but I knew that butterfly feeling in me meant this was something greater than just a new friend.

Z:
Did I mention I didn’t know it was a date? At the time I wasn’t in the position to be looking for that kind of companionship, so when Julie and I had agreed to meet up it didn’t even occur to me that I might be inadvertently courting her. Having always gravitated toward female friends in the past, I didn't think much more of the outing than getting to know a new great friend. After twelve hours of hanging out, and tentative plans to see one another again in a day or so, it became clear to me that I just went on the best first date I ever had, without even realizing it.

It was probably for the best. Completely unabashed and not expecting any future romance I gladly laid all my cards on the table without nerves or care for how they may be perceived. While there is a lot of loaded advice out there on how to quell your nerves on a first date, none works better than going about it like you are meeting with someone who could be a good friend. It just happens to work out for me that I like girls who can tell a good dirty joke over those who have perfected their make-up/hair do.

J:
Did I mention he had a girlfriend at the time?

Anywho… Fast forward to today, Zane and I are making the most of our weekend, doing work all around the house, AC blasting. We’ve accomplished a lot, but what greater way to reconnect before the start of another hectic week than to go for a walk? And with friends.

Z:
On this weekend's outing Julie and I decided to make it a double date by accompanying our dear friends Jane and Melissa as they visited Queens looking for possible neighborhoods to move to. Their destination was an area called Sunnyside, which neighbors our town.

J:
Sometimes the greatest way to increase the love in your relationship is to surround yourself by other people you love. There’s no better chemistry than gathering with great friends and sharing in something you enjoy. So when given the opportunity to explore the unfamiliar neighborhood of Sunnyside, Queens with our friends Jane and Melissa, we jumped at the chance. They are in the browsing stage of looking for a new place to live and we were just feeling out the area and judging its good and bad qualities. (i.e. Margaritas)

Z:
Often times Julie and I walk around as though we are looking for apartments. After numerous moves over the past two years we have decided never to move again (at least not for five years or so). Still, we are constantly on the lookout for a real starter home, should we still be living here when a little bundle of torment enters our lives.

J:
Day dreaming about a potential future place to live is always fun and a great way to quickly find out what is important to your partner. Do you prefer brick to siding? Secluded or near a busy area? Is it private enough to have lots of naked time or do you plan to alienate your neighbors? I like being close to a park and then realized Zane’s definition of “park” was a little broader than mine. To me, a park is an area with grass you can hang in, to him a park could be an area with a basketball court. Just when you think you know a person… okay, so that’s not an extraordinary thing to learn, but it’s helpful in one day choosing a home.

Z:
Well excuse me, but my friend Apple Dictionary and I both seem to think that a park is “a large public green area in a town, used for recreation” shrubbery, or no shrubbery.

J:
Checking out the food scene in a new neighborhood is always fun. All four of us enjoy Mexican food and have forgotten great times had by all due to a few too many strong margaritas in the past. Sunnyside has a large amount of Mexican cuisine to choose from, so we ducked into a little place called Chips. The margaritas were strong, and the nachos were pretty decent. I’m kind of a nachos fiend, so they rated a 6 on my “Best Nachos Ever” scale. The best place ever is in Connecticut, but for New York City I haven’t found anything better than Blockhead’s yet. Mmm.

We even tried fried ice cream for the first time which was delicious and very refreshing considering it was a muggy 90 degrees out. But back to walking…

Z:
As we walked we sized up the neighborhood for our friends, the prospective tenants. As Julie was set from the get-go that this neighborhood was in no way comparable to our own it did yield some very nice features. Some of the more business-laden avenues were reminiscent of the best parts of Brooklyn, there were beautiful views of the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building just down the road, and some of the blocks were jaw-dropping (one in particular jumped to the top of my list in terms of future homes).

As with many nice strolls you can’t really say that much “happened.” We walked around, saw some nice buildings, noticed a few places we would like to eat at sometime, and caught up with great friends. There was one moment when we noticed a vast courtyard filled with trees and park benches (pictured, us on one of those benches). This large apartment complex practically housed a forest (by New Yorkers’ standards) that more than made up for the disappointment Julie had with the “Park” next door.

J:
The local meteorologists had predicted massive thunderstorms and even put us in a tornado watch for the day, so the skies were quite ominous. However, no tornado was keeping us from having a grand old time! Up and down many beautiful, tree-lined streets, looking into people’s windows, judging people’s decorating choices. It was fun just walking all over until we got lost, then quickly using Jane’s iPhone to orient ourselves. We even had some excitement as the wild winds ripped a decorative piece off the front of an apartment building and it came flying down from 3 stories above! Everyone was fine and we decided to meander in a less dodgy area.

Z:
It wasn’t long before the rain came. After all the Doppler readings showing massive amounts of red, and dark clouds threatening a downpour, we were a little disappointed when all we got were about ten minutes of light sprinkling. I suppose the silver lining to those clouds were that we could continue our walk in partial shade as this was the last day of what felt like a week-long heat wave.

J:
The date was very fun and enjoyable; we all chatted about the latest news, their foster dog Alvin (adoptable now on PetFinder.com), our new niece Matilda and everything else in between. And when the rains came, because of course they did, we just kept on walking. We laughed as we all got a bit wet, but eventually the storm passed and we all chalked it up to being “refreshed.” The key to a fun date is to take the unexpected in stride and come out the other side laughing.

In the end we were out for a good 4 hours walking and enjoying time together. If you are planning this for a first date, I highly recommend it. Pick an area neither one of you know and just get lost. Literally. Some of the places we stumbled upon were quite romantic. We trespassed into a very lovely courtyard of an apartment complex to take some photos. Don’t be afraid to pick a place to perch for a bit and just have some face to face time. It can be easier to talk to someone walking next to them, but to connect a bit more, make sure you get some eye contact in. And as Baz Luhrmann croons “Wear sunscreen.”

Zane’s Review:
Perhaps I am bias towards aimlessly wandering, but I think that casually strolling through a new part of town is about as good as it gets when it comes to simple, memorable, and inexpensive dates. Especially if you live in an urban area where there are a lot of little details you might normally overlook in your day-to-day life, walking can bring a new gratitude to the place in which you life. However, in the same respect, finding a new trail through nature could spark the same revitalization of appreciation.

Adventuring excites the imagination with all sorts of endless possibilities. Even for the more conservative dater who wishes to stay within her or his comfort zone and stick to the beaten path, wandering gives that feeling of being adventurous and outgoing. Just as long as you’re prepared to walk a few miles just to wind up where you started.

I give this date idea 10 “pairs of comfortable walking shoes” out of 10.

Julie’s review:
Happy times had by all. Tired feet and a small buzz from the margaritas. In terms of our first date of walking, the whole adventure would rate a 10. Today’s walk was a solid 8. It was a great adventure and a fun new area and great company, but I’m saving the higher numbers for some more out on a limb, adrenaline pumping activities. We stayed a little close to our comfort zone this time around and came out comfortably pleased.

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