He's Known for His Monologue

September 10, 2010

2010-10-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

Here's a story that was all over the internet today. Playboy centerfold, a woman named, Tiffany Livingston, … caused a commotion on a JetBlue flight yesterday, after she flipped out, tried to open the plane's emergency exit door, at 10,000 feet! Imagine that? What a disaster that wo— Luckily, since she's a playmate, she couldn't read the instructions on how to open the door. But I mean, had she— had she been able to do that—

You're making fun of how stupid she is. So when she tries to open a door midflight, you go after her reading skills.

You know all those jokes you like to do about fat Americans watching TV all day and eating crazy junk food? Imagine a headline about someone found sitting around the house. For real. Around The House. This would be like making fun of them for having high cholesterol.

September 20, 2010

2010-10-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well, during…his historic visit to Britain, the Pope stopped in Scotland, where he was served a sheep's heart, liver, and lungs, that were simmered in the sheep's stomach. Does that sound like a meal that you'd serve the Holy Father? A sheep's heart, his lung and his liver simmered in his own stomach! Doesn't that sound like a meal you'd make for Satan?! [sings high-pitched notes] I mean, what is that? What a horrible thing that is.

Yes Jay. That's a meal I'd make for Satan. I'd also take a cow's muscles and grind them up until they look like a bloody pulp! Then I'd start a roaring fire and I'd throw the meaty mash over the hellish flames and char it till it was an unrecognizable brownish colored lump! We would wrap it in bread and eat it with our hands! The juices would run down our carnivorous arms and drip off our evil elbows!

Or maybe I'd take an entire bird and run a metal stake through it and cook it over a fire. To eat it I'd just rip off its legs and wings and tear the meat off the bone with my teeth.

It's called Haggis. You know this. If you're going to make fun of it, at least do something other than describe it while screaming.

August 12, 2010

2010-10-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

The U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization claims that eating meat is a major cause of global warming, and is urging us to try other alternatives including insects. They say we should eat insects, because they're rich in protein. All right. Here's my question. Say you're eating a bowl of insects, and a fly lands on your food— I mean do you shoo it away or is it j—? I mean just— Really, I mean just what's really—? I mean if it lands there are you—?

Let's imagine this same delivery on the Henny Youngman classic:

Take my wife— not really like as an example of something, 'take her,' but— like if you take her— if I'm supposed to love my wife, but then— so if I say 'take' meaning something— is that—?

This insect joke makes me so mad because the joke is sitting Right. There. This is such a simple joke. And what's his punchline?

I mean do you shoo it away or is it j—? I mean just— Really, I mean just what's really—? I mean if it lands there are you—?

I've quoted that verbatim. Verbatim! Leno flops all over it like Mike Tyson on the mat, groping blindly for his mouthguard. And what's worse, the audience ended up applauding this. They applauded as if to say not just 'That was funny' but 'Well done, sir! Fine work!'

The joke is unfinished. Let's complete it.

They say we should eat insects, because they're rich in protein. All right. Here's my question. Say you're eating a bowl of insects, and a fly lands on your food…

…Do you shoo it away, or pay a la carte

…Do you send it back or add it to the tab?

…Is it rude to ask how many points it's worth for Weight Watchers?

…Do you complain, or ask for a wine recommendation?

August 31, 2010

2010-10-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

The economy is so bad, Glenn Beck had to speak to a hundred thousand people today about Herbalife! That's how bad— that's how bad it is!

Rejected:

The economy is so bad, that even really rich people are complaining. Like millionaires even.

So when things get bad even rich people get caught up in get Amway like product schemes. There's something there. Somewhere. Way down. But you need to make it sharp. And "Herbalife" can't carry a punchline. And the whole "had to speak to a hundred thousand people" line is so clumsy. He didn't have to. He was already going to speak to the people. The joke should be about what he chose to do with the audience instead. It's just sloppy writing. But let's stick with the hilarious and ridiculous premise that Glenn Beck uses these rallies to make money. HohO! That would be so funny.

September 7, 2010 #3

2010-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

US commanders in Afghanistan are now ending their policy of zero tolerance on corruption. They're ending the zero-tolerance on corruption policy and allowing local government officials who are on our side to be moderately corrupt. Well it's the same policy we have here in Congress. It's the exact same thing. We're just taking it over. It didn't really get a laugh or anything.

Jay, you know better than to use "moderately corrupt" before the punchline. That sounds like the joke right there. Not a good one. But we already know that half the secret to your monologue is just making sure the audience knows when you expect them to laugh. You expect them to hold on and realize that the really funny part is that that moderate corruption is the official policy of the U.S. Congress. Right after you said it's a military policy?

You see that part there where you say "It's the exact same thing" to try to ram the punchline thru? That doesn't help make the joke clear. It helps explain why it failed.

I can't imagine what jokes this one beat out to make it into the monologue. I'm not even gonna try. Why should I put more work into this than you do?

September 7, 2010 (#2)

2010-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

A candidate for governor of Nevada is proposing that motorists who pay an extra 25 dollars be allowed to drive in Nevada at speeds of up to 90 miles an hour. Finally, a politician making sense! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Yes!

Wow, Jay. You'd really kill if you promised no more homework. Let me get this straight: A candidate makes a proposal and your punchline is 'I Agree!'? There's not a bit of craft in this. And I'm not sure we'll ever figure out if the audience is really generous, or being blackmailed.

Jokes that didn't make the cut.

A candidate for governor of Nevada is proposing that motorists who pay an extra 25 dollars be allowed to drive in Nevada at speeds of up to 90 miles an hour. That sure is cheaper than paying for a speeding ticket.

Politicians are really stupid!

There's a politician in Nevada that is promising to raise the speed limit. Driving really fast is like being on a roller coaster isn't it?!

September 7, 2010 (#1)

2010-10-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

According to a study, listen to this, women. Men! Men waste $3000 a year in gasoline as a result of not asking directions. In a related story, women waste $3000 a year on shoes they only wear once! Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you gentlemen.

Jokes that were rejected:

According to a study, men waste $3000 a year in gasoline because they won't stop for directions. When asked if they were willing to break the habit, the men just watched football and wouldn't respond.

According to a new study on gender relations, my cootie shot needs a booster! Am I right fellas?

According to a study, men don't ask for directions. According to another study, girls are gross!