Hesitant Housewife

Kisses From Katie

by Katie J. Davis, Beth Clark
Publisher : Simon & Schuster, October 4, 2011 Howard Books

I am legally obligated to inform my readers that I was granted a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes. Please be assured that this fact does not influence my opinion of this book.

Publisher's Synopsis:
What would cause an eighteen-year-old old senior class president and homecoming queen from Nashville, Tennessee, to disappoint her parents by forgoing college, break her little brother’s heart, lose all but a handful of her friends (because the rest of them think she has gone off the deep end), and break up with the love of her life, all so she could move to Uganda, where she knew only one person but didn’t know any of the language? A passion to make a difference. Katie Davis left over Christmas break her senior year for a short mission trip to Uganda and her life was turned completely inside out. She found herself so moved by the people and children of Uganda that she knew her calling was to return and care for them. She has given up a relatively comfortable life—at a young age—to care for the less fortunate of this world. She was so moved by the need she witnessed, she's centered her life around meeting that need. Katie, a charismatic and articulate young woman, is in the process of adopting 13 children in Uganda, and she completely trusts God for daily provision for her and her family.

Despite the rough conditions in which Katie lives, she has found a life of service to God to be one of great joy. Katie's children bring constant delight and help her help others by welcoming whoever comes to their door. As the challenges grow, so does Katie's faith and her certainty that what she's doing in Uganda, one person at a time, will have far-reaching rewards. It isn't the life she planned, but it is the life she loves.

To further her reach into the needs of Ugandans, Katie established Amazima Ministries. The ministry matches orphaned children with sponsors worldwide. Each sponsor's $300/year provides schooling, school supplies, three hot meals a day, minor medical care, and spiritual encouragement. Katie expected to have forty children in the program; she had signed up 150 by January 2008; today it sponsors over 400. Another aspect of the ministry is a feeding program created for the displaced Karamojong people—Uganda's poorest citizens. The program feeds lunch to over 1200 children Monday-Friday and sends them home with a plate of food; it also offers basic medical care, Bible study, and general health training.

Katie Davis, now 22, is more than fascinating, she's inspiring, as she has wholeheartedly answered the call to serve.

My review:
What a personal and inspiring story! This book will touch your heart. I had to keep reminding myself that Katie Davis is al real person, who actually lived this book. Her story is, for a lack of better words, amazing. Katie Davis changed lives. Katie is continuing to change lives, to save them. And she's only 22. I won't rehash the entire storyline, you can get that from the synopsis, but I can tell you that this book will inspire a change in you as well. You cannot read this young woman's tale of love and redemption without being motivated to help others as well. Katie let God work through her and the result was astounding. Katie is only 22 and has literally made miracles happen. This memoir will open you heart and make you realize that we are all much more capable than we think we are. God is waiting to work through us, we just have to be willing to allow it to happen, to give up control and let him lead. Ms. Davis is a shining example of what happens when we do.

target fall outfit

2011-09-19T06:49:00.001-07:00

target fall outfit by kelly-hammel-fuller featuring a tan dress

Tan dress
$25 - target.com

Cardigan
$18 - target.com

Black legging
target.com

Flat boots
target.com

Cross body handbag
$30 - target.com

gray and blue

2011-09-19T05:37:00.001-07:00

gray and blue by kelly-hammel-fuller featuring a slouch hat

Old Navy v neck shirt
$14 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy skinny flare jeans
$14 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy lace up oxford heels
$35 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy beaded bracelet
$9.99 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy metal pendant
$12 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old navy scarve
$8.94 - oldnavy.gap.com

Old Navy slouch hat
$15 - oldnavy.gap.com

Lessons From Last Week - July 10, 2011

2011-07-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've always had a hard time thinking of Sunday as the beginning of the week. I mean, the calendar says Sunday is the official start to the week...but seriously, don't we all consider Monday as the official kick-off? Anyway, who cares? Sundays will henceforth be known as my day to look back on the previous week and consider what I've learned from my experiences..both successes and failures. And let's be honest, there is most likely going to be a butt load of failures. I'm kind of a pro at those. I'm attempting to make lemonade out of lemons here though, people.

Lesson One:
Donuts are heartless bastards. Donuts will show no mercy. They do not care if you have been doing Weight Watchers since January. They couldn't care less that you have had a complete crap-hole of a week. Donuts are not concerned that their mere appearance in front you can cause a battle of will power not witnessed since the "Giant-Reese's-Peanut Butter-Egg-Incident of 2010". They will show you no compassion as they launch themselves into your mouth, leaving a trail of bumpy cellulite in their wake. Donuts are the devil... delicious, chocolate frosted, rainbow-sprinkled demons...

Lesson Two:
Writing about donuts makes me want to eat them.

Lesson Three:
Don't feed the dogs bologna. It causes ....um.....gastrointestinal issues. Also... you can never have too much Glade air freshener.

Lesson Four:
Old friends are great friends. I've been rekindling some old relationships lately and it feels great. I find parts of me resurfacing that I haven't seen in awhile. Old friends are amazing at bringing out parts of you that you've completely neglected.

Lesson Five:
I've got to "take care of me" for awhile. I realize how insanely random that sounds..but I need to figure some things out. I feel like my life is at a crossroad. I spend way too much time wondering what direction other people are choosing, instead of actually considering where I want to go. I'm blindly wandering along, trying to catch up with the masses, when in actuality I could be plotting my own course. I may need to go off-road a bit, and I'll most likely hit some detours...but at the end of the journey I'd like to arrive at place where I'm at peace with my decisions. I know that this sounds like a completely obscure ramble.....but it makes sense to be and this is my blog...so....

Lesson Six:
The house doesn't clean itself. Effort is involved with this whole House-wifery business. Who knew?

So, last week is in the can. Onto a newer and better 7 days, full of growth and knowledge to learned. And maybe a donut or two....

Friday Confessional!

2011-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a confessional post in For-Ev-Errrrr (um..Sandlot reference?? Anyone?) Here we go!

I confess:
I haven't properly kept up with this blog lately, and I am deeply ashamed. OK, more like mildly embarrassed. Fine, it's more of an annoying itch.

I confess:
I am just a little too excited that Jeff and Jordan are back on Big Brother this season! Seriously, could they be sweeter? (My favorite part at 3:10 "Holy, Macaronies...we were playin' for now-n-laters.")

I confess:
I am sick of people not taking my feelings seriously. I am sick of people just chalking my feelings up to me being "anxious" or "irrational." I am sick of being told I'm exaggerating. I am so damn sick of not being taken seriously. I am tired of being the one listens but also the one who never gets heard.

I confess:
That I hate myself a little for that above confession, because there is nothing I hate more than whining.

I confess:
I have a crush on Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I know, I know... I've got a thing for weirdos.

I confess:
I miss the old me. I censor myself now. I don't know where my confidence went? Maybe it's hiding under this layer of blubber?

I confess:
I'm addicted to outdated British sitcoms on Netflix.

I confess:
I want another child more than anything in the world. It's not going to happen. I have to figure out a way to accept that.

I confess:
I drink too much coffee, home-brewed, Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. I'm pretty sure my urine is 95% coconut latte. There is a coffee bean farm in Brazil named after me.

And now, I confess that I'm done fascinating you with my spell-binding declarations of truth. You're welcome, Internets.

Duff by Kody Keplinger

2011-06-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Duff by Kody Keplinger
Publisher's summary:
Seventeen-year-old Bianca Piper is cynical and loyal, and she doesn't think she's the prettiest of her friends by a long shot. She's also way too smart to fall for the charms of man-slut and slimy school hottie Wesley Rush. In fact, Bianca hates him. And when he nicknames her "the Duff," she throws her Coke in his face.

But things aren't so great at home right now, and Bianca is desperate for a distraction. She ends up kissing Wesley. Worse, she likes it. Eager for escape, Bianca throws herself into a closeted enemies-with-benefits relationship with him.

Until it all goes horribly awry. It turns out Wesley isn't such a bad listener, and his life is pretty screwed up, too. Suddenly Bianca realizes with absolute horror that she's falling for the guy she thought she hated more than anyone. And eventually, through this realization, Bianca begins to see how harmful her unhealthy way of dealing with her problems has been, and finds a way to confront them head on.

My review:
Duff by Kody Keplinger is one of those YA novels that feels like it's meant for an older audience. Don't expect a story about simple high school crushes, innocent kisses and awkward moments. Duff is a very mature novel. If you don't want your teen reading sex scenes, then don't buy this book. However, you yourself just may love it.

The author, Kody Keplinger, is young and gets what being a modern teen girl is like. She does not gloss over the body issues. She does not pretty up the language. She does not shy away from sexual situations. Kody gets it. As a mother, I'd like to pretend that she's wrong. I'd love to imagine a world where teen girls aren't sexually active and don't have to worry about being 10 lbs chubbier than their best friend. But I'd be wrong.

Bianca is one of those female characters that you can immediately identify with. She's sarcastic, but sweet. Insecure yet a little mouthy. Bianca is awesome.

Most people don't notice her though. She's a Duff. Designated Ugly Fat Friend. With two gorgeous best friends, Bianca blends into the background. She's dealing with home issues and her anger manifests itself into one manic moment. She kisses the school playboy, Wesley Rush. She really wishes she hadn't done it. She also wishes she didn't enjoy it quite so much.

What Bianca doesn't know is that Wesley is struggling as well. Behind his chauvinistic exterior lies a young man who is searching for acceptance and love as frantically as she is. If the two of them could just let their guards down a little, maybe they could connect in other ways than sexual.

I enjoyed Duff. The story is moving and emotional, but not dark. There are definite sexual elements, so of course, keep that in mind with younger teens. Like I've said, it's a very real, modern day teen love story. There is language, there is sex. There is also a lot of heart and real life emotion in Duff. I cannot wait to hear more from the young and crazy talented Kody Keplinger!

The Confessional..

2011-02-21T10:29:00.000-08:00

I saw this post over at Freckled Nest and well.. I'm stealing it.

So, if you want to go ahead and steal it from me, I will be very upset and call you dishonest and quite deceitful. But, you know, if you're OK with that....

And now, for the fascinating confessions...

1. I read magazines backwards. I go to the last page and read the articles from last to first. I don't know why, but they always seem to put the good stuff at the back.

2. I could eat butter with anything. Real butter, that is.. not that low class charlatan "margarine." *shudder*

3. I have a bad habit of breaking into foreign accents when I am nervous.. or OK, lets be real... all the time.

4. Remember the TV show ED? I am seriously thinking of starting a petition to get that put on DVD? Why have they not done that yet??

5. I set the browsers on my laptop, ipod and nook to open to CNN. com. I make sure when I am done browsing the net, that I return it to CNN, so that I look really smart and informed. Little do people know that I never read it, I just skip on over to cuteoverload

and squeal over baby otter pictures.

6. I obsessively make up songs about our pug, Dexter, who is quite stinky. I found myself about to sing one while browsing in the grocery store today and realized I need to check myself. Before I wreck myself. 'Cause smelly fartin' pugs are bad for your health. See????

So, those are my 6 for this week. What are your confessions?

Stuff That Makes Me Happy

2011-02-17T00:00:00.001-08:00

You know how Oprah has her little "Favorite Things" episode every year? You know the one, where everyone goes bat-sh*t crazy over a pair of slippers? The one where grown women pee themselves over an oven mitt? The one where Oprah makes women weep tears of joy when she gives them a aromatherapy candle? Yea, that one. I'm sure you've heard of it. Well, I'm going to be doing my own "Favorite Things" theme here on the ol' Housewife Blog. Am I going to be listing super awesome and wonderful items that have changed my life and made me a better person? Will I be giving away cases upon cases of magical face cream and organic soda? Nah, it's probably gonna be a lot of bacon themed novelty items. And although I would love to grace your mailboxes with tons of free crap, my ever shrinking budget will not allow it. So, what the hell am I even bothering for? Because my opinion is priceless, people. If I like it, so will you. Any items and ideas posted will immediately become trendy sensations. Just think of the boost in our economy, dear friends. You know how selfless I am. There is no way that this is a desperate attempt for blog post inspirations. Nope. *ahem* No way. This is for you, America.

So here goes.. the following things are making me happy this week. (I'm all about the superficial stuff, guys. There will be none of that "blue skies and butterflies crap.)

1. Less Than Perfect on DVD

Yeah, I know. Super corny, right? Could I watch a less cool show? Um, no. This show is adorable. I have become obsessed lately with cancelled tv shows. I don't know why. It's probably caused by that same part of my psyche that makes me want to take home abandoned kittens and ugly mismatched silverware at flea markets. There is nothing I love more than the unloved. But still.. this show is very cute. I watched the first few episodes when it first aired and then forgot about it. (I know! Were they cancelled because of me??) Sara Rue is the cutest thing ever and I actually find myself laughing at Andy Dick (I''m pretty sure this was taped "pre-crazy drug induced breakdown). It's a guilty pleasure. Don't judge me just because you watch cooler, edgier shows like CSI Miami. Next cancelled show up for review : Wonderfalls. Will I give it a new home or leave it unloved and cold on the Netflix shelves?

2.Garnier Moisture Refresh Gel Cream

I bought this stuff last week. I love it! And it's really cheap! About 8 bucks! I've only been using it for about 6 days, so it hasn't completely smoothed my sandpapery, wrinkled 33 year old lizard- like hide, but I definitely feel improvement. And it feels so good when I put it on.. nice and cool. I hate those super thick, creamy moisturizers.. this one is perfect. Nice and light. Anyone else try it??

3.Ipod Touch

Meet my addiction. I do not make it through a day without completley running the battery dead on this thing. I am totally addicted. I use it all day, every day. I'm a huge music nerd, so I love being able to download right to the device from itunes. I listen to one or two audiobooks a week. I am a faithful subscriber to several podcasts. I listen to audio lectures on impressive subjects like Ancient Egypt and The French Revolution. I also look up adorable puppy videos on youtube. Yes, I realize that it's the same as an Ipad basically, but smaller. But I love the Touch. I take it with me everywhere. Besides, unless you are willing to pay for the Ipad and ship it to me (hint, hint) I will not be getting one of those anytime soon. I'm ok with that.

So, there it is. I'm a happy person. Usually. And no, I don't need these things to stay that way. But they help.

*also, I have not received any of the items for free or paid for endorsing them. If I ever include a "free for review" product, I'll let ya know.

Thousand Words Thursday Dreaming of Summer

2011-02-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Thousand Words Thursday!!!!

This is my girlie, Roslyn, chillin' out in the surf of Ocean City, Maryland this past summer. Oh, I can almost feel those warm rays of sunshine!! Come on, Summer!! You can't get here fast enough!

Now, scoot your little booty over to Cheaper than Therapy and check out the other submissions!

Need a Blog Designer!

2011-02-16T10:29:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone!! I need your help! I am in search of a blog designer!! I am going to be revamping all three of my sites, and possibly adding another. Can you recommend anyone that you have worked with? Do you design blogs yourself? leave a comment and let me know! I, of course, will be promoting the designer on all three sites.

New Review up at Girlswithboks.com

2011-01-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

Skip on over to Girlswithbooks.com and read a review of a book I loved!

Win a Copy of An Object of Beauty by STEVE MARTIN!!

2010-12-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, stop on by my book site Girlswithbooks.com to win a copy of Steve Martin's new book, An Object of Beauty!! The winner will be drawn on January 10th! Good luck!

I hope you all had a fantastic holiday!

All I Want For Christmas...

2010-12-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

.... is my blogging mojo back!

OK, fine... and an ipad. Oh, and some new pj's! And bookstore gift cards. But that's it. Oh wait.. maybe some jewelry? But seriously, I'd be happy with just some blog inspiration. (but hey, if you're heading to the mall, I could always use some new boots. A nice chunky heeled gray pair..but really, don't go out of your way. By the way, I'm a size 8 1/2. I hear Aldo has a good sale going on..) But, honestly, don't go to any trouble.

We've made some major changes around here lately, so I guess that makes good blog post material, right? Well, I don't know how interesting the changes are to anyone but us, but I'm gonna tell ya about them anyway. Unless of course, you'd rather I go on with my rambling Christmas wish list??

The biggest development in the past month or so has been with our daughter. We took her out of public school a few weeks ago. She is now attending an amazing, much smaller private christian school. We are over-the-moon happy with this decision. I have seen such a change in Roslyn in just a few short weeks. It's amazing. She is happy. She actually WANTS to go to school. This, from a kid who used to cry every morning before school. She loves gym class now, when before she was always "sick" on gym class day. (I think she was being teased, but she won't tell me.) Now, she can't wait until she's old enough to join the school basketball team. She actually asked for a basketball and football for Christmas. The course work is much, MUCH, harder but she is having a great time learning. The teachers have smaller classes so they are able to play learning games with the kids and explore subjects much more freely. My daughter now comes out of school with a huge grin on her face, when before she would just slump in the car and mumble that school was "boring". I'm not knocking public school at all, our public school teachers are awesome, but the environment just wasn't right for our kid. I didn't how wrong it was for her until we took her out.

As for me, I'm not working at home anymore. My job, I think, has finally fizzled out. And that's fine. I'm okay with being a stay at home mom. I've never really gotten to just focus on home, so I'm looking forward to getting the house in order and gettin' my housewifery on. Just call me June Cleaver. Actually, no. Don't. If you're gonna call me anything but Kel, let it be something like "Mistress of Awesomeness." June Cleaver was kinda boring.

Let's see...what else? Craig ran away and joined the circus. I bought a pet sheep and named it Lady Baabaaa. Wait a minute? You're still paying attention? OK, scratch those last two things. I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

I'm sure there are some other things I should be informing you of, but well.. this is the longest I have wrote on here in a long time and if someone is actually still reading this blog. I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

Hopefully, I will be opening a big old box-of-inspiration next Saturday and will soon be blessing you all with some witty and fascinating blog posts.

Or, I'll just blabber on about nothing as usual. But maybe I'll be wearing some sweet new boots while I'm at it. (seriously, have you got the hint yet? I want some boots.)

I've missed you all!

Storybook Review!

2010-11-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

Bless This Mouse by Lois Lowry

Release date : March 21, 2011

Product Description

A resilient and quirky colony of church mice fears another Great X more than they fear cats. Under Mouse Mistress Hildegarde’s leadership, they save themselves from one danger after another—sometimes just by the skin of their tails! Can one ultimate act of bravery during the feast day of St. Francis get Father Murphy to bless these mice and keep them safe forever? Rife with humor and personality, this young middle-grade novel has an old-fashioned feel with the makings of a modern classic.

My Review:
Lois Lowry is one of the world's most beloved children's authors. Her books have sold millions across the globe. Numerous awards have been bestowed upon this amazing author, and rightly so. Lois Lowry has gift of storytelling and readers of the world are forever grateful. Her novel, Number the Stars, is one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful books I have ever read. But like a talented author should, Ms. Lowry is able to get a little silly now and then as well. Her Gooney Bird series is a fun and light favorite amongst the 6-9 year old set.

Being such a fan of her previous works, I was very anxious to read her new creation, Bless This Mouse. The cover artwork alone almost killed me with it's cuteness. I was hoping her new story could live up to such undeniable adorable-ness! Let me tell you this.. Lois Lowry does not disappoint. Bless This Mouse is so incredibly sweet that it almost gave me a cavity.

That being said, the story is not all fluff. This is not one of those books you will read to your child once and forget about. Bless This Mouse has a lesson to teach. I can guarantee it will get you and your children started in a discussion about kindness and forgiveness. This book has all the right elements for a perfect nightly story time : adorable illustrations, cute characters, humor and most of all, and important lesson to be learned. Bless This Mouse is destined to be a classic.

*Although I have this book listed as a "storybook" selection, the actual recommended reading age is 9-11. Of course, independent readers would ADORE this book. My own 8 year old loved it. However, this book is a fantastic read aloud story that could be shared with younger children as well.

Publishes 4/11/2010

Publisher's Description:
"Ponytails and braids! Ponytails and braids! I don't see anything but ponytails and braids! This class needs some fashion. This class needs some fun. I'll find a hairdo to impress everyone." Annabelle doesn't want the same boring hairstyle that all the other girls have. When she spies a picture of her grandma, she has the perfect idea: a big bouffant! But how can she make her style stand up? And will her classmates really be impressed with her daring 'do?

My Review:

Big Bouffant is a perfect storybook for all those little fashion divas out there! Annabelle yearns to stand out in a see of ponytails and braids. She wants to be different and stylish. And when she spies a photo of her grandmother's bouffant hairstyle, a new hairstyle craze is let loose on her elementary school!

I thought this book was just so cute and sweet! The prose is fun and light. The illustrations are beautiful and unique. I loved every aspect of this book! Can't wait to read it to a few little fashion princesses that I know!

You can check out more reviews over at Girlswithbooks.com

A Quick Update...

2010-10-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow, people.
It's actually happening
.
I AM LOSING WEIGHT.

I know, I can't believe it either. I've lost 8 pounds. And I didn't have to throw up once. I didn't even have the flu. I didn't have any unimportant organs removed from my body. I even somehow avoided having to wire my mouth shut. I simply ate less and better. I started to excersize again.

Best of all, I didn't complain once.

Ha.. got ya there didn't I? Ok fine, I have been whining like a two year old kid in Toys R Us. In fact, I think the constant griping has probably had a significant effect on my weight loss.. all this constant yammering has to burn a few calories, right? All I know is, I'm losing. And I like it.

I am actually not over concerned with the actual "poundage". (shut up, that's totally a word..). I started this journey with my blood pressure and overall health in mind. I am very happy to report that my blood pressure has gone down about 20 points! seriously!! I am talking about top and bottom numbers! It was extremely difficult giving up caffeine, but as soon as I did, my blood pressure adjusted itself to a healthy number. I also cut out as much salt as possible. I had no idea how sensitive I was to caffeine and sodium! I feel like a different person. My anxiety has taken a serious nose dive. I'm drinking tons of water and peeing like crazy, but it's worth it. I feel better than I have in years.

So, I know what you're thinking. "Is Kel gonna become some Health Nazi? Is she gonna constantly lecture us all on healthy eating? Will she look down her nose at us when we eat Twinkies by the dozen?"

Um, no. Because this is still crazy hard. I've got a long path ahead of me. I still love junk. Just the thought of those Twinkies made me drool a little (a lot). I'm failing most of the time. I cheat. But I'm determined. I'm just trying to make some small changes and hoping for massive results. That's not too unrealistic, is it?

Hey, Who Shrunk My Pants?

2010-10-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have embarked on a new adventure. I am on a diet. Ok, maybe it's not exactly a brand new adventure, but it's one I have not seriously ventured on in quite awhile. Sure, I may have started this journey a few times in the past, but I always run out of gas before I hit the first rest stop. To be honest, I've stopped at the rest stop and they had a Cinnabon.. and well, that was the end of that.

Dieting sucks. I know, that's stating the obvious. But man... it really stinks. I don't know what I was expecting, but this is not fun. Actually, I do know what I was expecting. I would go on a few walks, drink some extra water and the excess weight would just melt away. Well, you can imagine my shock when that damn scale of mine remained stubbornly at the same number. (and no, I am not telling you that number. I won't let you go blabbing it around to all your friends. I know how you are...) I thought it was gonna be easy. I imagined I would learn to prefer ice water to iced tea and dr pepper. I assumed I would start to crave salads. I expected that I would eventually get used to skim milk in decaf coffee. I thought I would learn to love bean sprouts and lima beans, and yet, they remain my arch enemies. Dieting sucks.

So, why the torture? Why not just learn to love my growing waistline and big butt? I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I've heard how guys like "junk in the trunk" (they totally still say that, right??). My husband loves me regardless, I have no doubt of that. The biggest reason I'm doing this, is fear. That's right, I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if was the big 33 that got me thinking, but something has caused this overwhelming anxiety in me lately. I feel old. I don't like it. I don't like facing the facts of my mortality. (who does, right? duh.) Recently, I've come to realize that I'm aging. I am not taking care of myself. And deep down, I know that if I don't change things, I'm headed for disaster.

For years I was completely oblivious to my health, but somehow I was healthy. I ate what I wanted, but I didn't overeat. I exercised because I liked it. I don't really know when that unawareness morphed into an obsession. Now, I worry about everything I eat, but I eat it anyway. Then I feel guilty and eat again. I think all day about what I will cook for dinner. I plan on exercising. I schedule it. Then, when the time comes, I am miraculously too busy. I have become hyper aware of every mistake I am making, and yet, I still make them.

So, I'm trying something a little different this time. I am not focusing on my weight. Yea, I know.. what the hell kinda diet am I talking about? When I have dieted in the past, I focused way too much on that mystical number on the scale (you know the one, the one you will never know.). If it doesn't change in a day, I'm completely disappointed, and disappointment with this girl leads to one thing, eating. So this time around, I am focusing on a few different sets of numbers. My blood pressure/ heart rate and my pants size. My blood pressure has been high lately, which scares the hell out of me. And my heart rate has always been high because of heredity stuff and my anxiety. If I can get those two numbers down I will be elated. If my waist size dwindles along with it, well... I'll be ecstatic.

My goal this week is water. I don't drink any. Seriously. I drink iced tea all day. Granted, it's with splenda, but it full caffeine. And I've heard Splenda isn't all that great either. And coffee.... oh my delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes... I will limit you, my dears, to one or two a week. And even then, you will be decaf-ed and splenda-fied. Oh, if you only knew how much I will miss you in all of your high fat, frothy, delicious glory.

But it's gonna be worth it, right? I'm gonna be healthier. I'm gonna be around to see my daughter grow up and get married and have kids. Hubby and I are gonna spend retirement cruising around in our camper and going on vacation with our friends.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize... no, not the vacations and stuff... I've got my eye on some sweet skinny jeans at Express. Maybe I should start saving for a shopping spree now, because it's gonna happen. I will be healthy (and lookin' super fab in some new outfits.)

The House That Slobs Built

2010-10-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

I hate our house. I mean, I really hate it. If it were a person, I would punch it in the face. If I saw this house walking down the street and it waved at me, I would purposely ignore it and then, when it passed by me, I would whisper loudly to my friend “Ewwwww!! Can you believe she just tried to talk to us? Did you see the siding she was wearing? What a skank!”. I would make it’s life miserable. If I were the head cheerleader and this house was president of the student council, I would shove her into lockers and tell everyone she still wears training bras. I would publicly shun her and give her horrible self esteem. I hate this house.

So, I know what you’re thinking. Kel, how can you be so cruel? This nastiness is not like you! What did that poor little house ever do to you? Oh, dear readers, you have no idea. This house is a bitch. She is a mean little witch. She presses my buttons every chance she can get. She enjoys making my life miserable. She may look innocent enough, but she’s evil to core, people. Evil, I tell you.

This house has been a total jerk since the day we moved in. Granted, we weren’t exactly the most excited pair of new homeowners. We were kind of miserable actually. We were not carrying each other over the threshold (Craig said something about it being embarrassing if I dropped him again or something.. whatever.). We were not boasting to our friends about our new home. We did not have a housewarming party. We pretty much just threw our few scant belonging in the living room, looked at each other and said, “Meh.. it’ll do for now, I guess.”

We were not in a great position to buy a home. Hubby had just started a brand new career with great potential for growth but quite a minuscule starting salary. He was working a part time second job to help us scrape by. I, on the other hand, was home with a three year old who never slept and was in the midst of the temper tantrum phase (I liked to call it World War Three Year Old). On top of that nonsense, I was also working at home 30 hours a week and cleaning houses about 20 hours a week. We had moved in with my parents 6 months prior in order to save for a new home, and well...I love my parents, but things were not exactly copacetic. The stress was about to kill us all. We had no money and we had no place to live.

Enter in the housing boom of 2005. We called a mortgage broke to find out how much money we would need to buy a home. We wanted to start preparing. We did not expect the peppy, twenty year old girl on the other end of the phone to say, “Why, you guys can buy a house right now, silly!”. Huh? What was she smoking? WE WERE BROKE! And they want to give us a house? Craig and I looked and each other, grinning, and said, “Stupid bastards.”

There were only two houses in my hometown that were in our price range at that moment. Yep, that should tell you something right there. There were not the beautiful new model homes that had sprung up on the outskirts of town. Nor were they the handsome 5 bedroom split levels in the great school district. Hell, they weren’t even the cute little 3 bedroom cottages by the river. They were both two bedroom houses that needed a crapload of work. We picked the one that was not currently being rented by a bunch of drifters with 8 kids and 3 dogs. We chose the one that was not in the running for a upcoming spot on Hoarders.

Settlement was a disaster. Of course, this a-hole of a house decided that it needed tons of stuff done to pass inspection. So, what do we smart and savvy home buyers do? We skip the inspection of course! Duh. That was super smart.

We moved in without a cent in our pockets, let alone our bank account. We didn’t even have beds. Seriously. We slept on air mattresses. We had just enough money to buy a beat up, scratch-n-dent refrigerator. We didn’t have any food to put in it.

But, we had a house. So, yay!! Right? Nope. We were depressed. This was not our dream house. This house was, and still is, a nightmare. It needs so much work, it’s overwhelming. And we have not had the money or the expertise to fix anything. Craig does not know how to do any carpentry and besides, we don’t have the cash to pay for it. This house is in shambles. It’s embarrassing and it sucks.

We need carpeting. We can’t afford it. We would actually prefer hardwood, so imagine our excitement when we pulled up the corner of the carpets and found pretty hardwood! Then, imagine our disgust and disappointment when we pulled back a little farther and found that the other part of the floor was plywood. We quickly tucked the carpet back down and tried to forget about it until the money fairies come and leave a deposit under our pillows. (Still waiting..)

The basement is musty and it floods. The kitchen needs new flooring. The stove is old and barely works. The cabinets are falling apart. The heater is a temperamental jerk-off that only works when it feels like making the effort. The central air is filthy slut that strains our electric bill and costs us hundreds a month in the summer. The windows all need to be relpaced. The back deck is decaying at an alarming rate and the driveway needs to be paved. There is no landscaping and a humongous tree in the backyard looms over the back porch menacingly during every windy storm.

So, you’d think this jackass of a house would eventually give us a break, right? Nope, I told you, she’s a total asshole. Now, it’s the roof. We have a leak. Or we thought we had a leak. Turns out we need a new roof. I mean, I’m not shocked or anything. We knew we were gonna need a roof soon. Just not this soon. We were planning on waiting until we refinanced or got some extra money somehow. Well, those freakin’ money fairies must have relocated to the overpriced McMansions on the other side of town, because I haven’t seen those flying morons in years.

We, simply put, don’t have the money to fix it. We are trying to rig it until we can afford to get an entire new roof. I don’t see that happening until at least the spring. At least. And even then, it will be crazy tight. And neither one of us want to put any money into this crapshoot, hell hole of a house. This is not the house we wanted. This not were we wanted to be.

And before you say it, yes, I know... we are lucky just to have a roof over our heads. But it’s leaking on our heads right now and it’s slowly disintegrating before our eyes.

Yes, I’m happy we have a place to live, but I still want to give this house a swift roundhouse kick right in the back porch. And I totally would, if I wasn't so sure it would completely collapse.

Random Tuesday .... because I'm nothing if not random..

2010-09-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's Random Tuesday over at The UnMom, and I was thinking.. "Hey, I may be a really horrible blogger lately and I totally can't bother myself to put the effort into an actual coherent and articulate blog post. (You remember those, don't you, Kel? Those rare ones where you actually had a point to make and eventually got around to making it? Yea.. I didn't think so.) Why not give Random Tuesday another go? You can be as aimless and rambling as your cold little heart desires!". So, here goes, people... all the mindless crap you've been dying to hear.

I love Jimmy Fallon. Seriously, could he be more freakin' adorable?

I have not missed one single episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Yes, even the one that my husband inadvertently - on - purpose deleted from the DVR. Hmmm... is someone jealous there, dear husband? Well, you should be. Because if Jimmy knocked on the door right now, I'd be humpin' his leg like a golden retriever on your Great Aunt Tillie.

I am ashamed to say that I have not read Harry Potter, or actually sat through one of the movies to completion. This could turn out to be an issue, since my daughter has decided that she wants to be Hermione Granger (??) for Halloween this year. Good luck, kid. I'll give you a wand and a bathrobe.. hope that qualifies for wizard wear.

Pumpkin Spice lattes are laced with crack cocaine. Or, well, maybe not cocaine. (Chill out, Strabucks' legal team.. it was a joke. Dag.)But they are definitely pumping those things full of something addictive, because I am downing them like water. If I drank water like I should, which I don't. Because there are pumpkin lattes to drink instead. Duh.

I'm so happy Fall is finally here! I had a fantastic summer, but my swimsuits were screaming for mercy. Honestly, there is only so much stretching that spandex can take. It's time for my comfy sweater, jeans and hoodies to take their share of the abuse. I'm not ordering the Fat Free Pumpkin Lattes, people.. there is a serious need for maximum body coverage at this point.

And that's all I got. So, there.. random enough for ya?

I'm How Old???

2010-08-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

I turned 33 years old on Wednesday. Yes, double threes! I just can't accept it. But, I've done the math, there is no changing it. You take a 50 year old woman and subtract 17 years and you get me. No matter how many times I try to take the year 2010 and deduct 1977 from it, I still end up with the same result. I am a 33 year old woman. Holy Sh*t.. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

There is no denying it, I am in my thirties. My thirties!! That's, like, my parents age! Oh, wait a minute..not any more it isn't. That's how old they were when I was ten. And when I was ten, I thought 33 was ancient. Seriously though, aren't people in their thirties supposed to wear chinos and pastel colored polo shirts, drink sparkling water and discuss their 401k's? Aren't thirty three year old women supposed to spend their afternoons plucking gray hairs and chatting with their doctors about their fiber intake? Aren't thirty somethings supposed to be lame??

I don't feel lame. Heck, I don't even feel like a grown up yet. When's that whole part kick in? I mean, technically, I'm a full fledged grown up. I've got the paperwork to prove it. So, why is it that I still feel the need to hide the fact that I occasionally enjoy an alcoholic beverage from my mom? Why do I still find myself laughing uncontrollably at fart jokes? Why do I still prefer Lucky Charms for breakfast instead of Grape Nuts? How come I still can't quite figure out the exact amount of time to cook popcorn in the microwave without it catching fire? Why am I still planning things to do "when I grow up"?

I realize that 33 is not "OLD"... but, it's older than I feel. I still wonder what happened to my twenties! I should have paid more attention! Why didn't I spend more time learning how to properly fold a fitted sheet? Shouldn't I know how to use the barbecue grill by now? Why am I still petrified of the lawnmower? Thunderstorms still scare the bejesus out of me. And don't you dare ask me how to cook a turkey, because I still have to call my mom and ask her every time I try.

I don't know why, but being 33 bothers me. I don't like it. The other night we were at a restaurant with our friends. They told the waiter it was my birthday. He said "Hey! 21 again, huh?" The bastard. How dare he? That's the same joke people used to say to my mom when she was....well, when she was in her thirties. Everyone laughed to be polite to the overly friendly and uber-touchy douchebag waiter. Meanwhile, I was fuming. That son of a bitch. Is he saying I can't pass for 21 anymore? I can totally pass for 21, right? RIGHT? I mean, it was dark in there.. He totally could not see the 14 gray hairs I had been hiding amongst my curls. And I was relatively positive he could not get a good view of my granny panties considering I was trying really hard to keep my bunion affected feet under the table. Maybe he heard me moaning about my "aching back" as I attempted to reach down in my purse for some Gas-X. I mean, really, the guy was just way too presumptuous. I'm sure there are plenty of 21 year olds who fall asleep at the table because they only got one nap that day. It's not uncommon. Young and feisty ladies totally get tired too, ya know.

Urgh, who am I kidding? I guess it's time I faced the facts. I am a grown up. I'm officially well into adulthood. Actually, I am pretty sure I hit the whole "adulthood" milestone a while back. I just never noticed. Maybe that's what's different this birthday. I'm actually paying attention. Crap, I'm pretty sure that's another sign I'm getting older. Dang, there really is no denying it, huh? I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in ice cream. (and then some Pepto Bismol because I just can't handle dairy like I used to)

Mom of the Year

2010-08-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

    Mom of the Year. It’s a phrase we’ve all heard. Moms tend to throw around this expression. Usually, it’s a sarcastic comment. You feed your kids cereal for dinner and say “Well, I guess I won’t be getting the Mom of The Year award”. Your son shoves a marble up his nose and you're muttering to yourself on the way to the ER, “There goes Mom of the Year again”. I have yet to see anyone actually declare themselves the Genuine Mom of the Year. We moms are way too self critical to ever claim that distinction. There is always someone else out there doing better, accomplishing more and flat out making us all feel insignificant.
    With that said though, I don’t think I am a bad mom. Not at all.   As a matter of fact, I’m pretty dang good at it. My daughter is socially accepted, well fed, happy and an all around great kid. I am quite proud of the work I’ve done so far. However, there are many, many moments that I question my abilities. There have been several times when I have hung my head in shame because I have failed. Luckily for me, those big mistakes are few and far between. It’s the small blunders that are way too common in my life. And lucky for me, we can usually find the humor in them. I want to share with you some of those moments, when I knew I was out of the running for that Mom of the Year contest, but still found myself laughing.

    *When Roslyn was about three years old, she used to go to work with me. Occasionally we would get stuck in traffic. I am not the most patient driver. I learned that I was raising a rather inpatient back seat driver when I heard Roslyn say, “What the heck is this? An idiot parade?”

    *I used to babysit occasionally for a friend of mine. She had a daughter named Mikayla. Our girls were the same age, about 2 years old. Roslyn used to call her “Mack”. For months we thought that Roslyn had made up a cute nickname for her friend. It was so adorable! One day, I said something to that effect to Roslyn. She said “No! She’s Mack! Cause I want to MACK her”.. she then went up to Mikayla and smacked her in the face.

     *Roslyn can recite this entire scene from the movie Tommy Boy...



     *Roslyn was about 4 and half years old. She was playing at a local park. She and a few other girls were bouncing up and down on a suspension bridge thing. All the girls were singing songs like "I'm a Little Teapot" and "The Wheels on the Bus". There was a long moment of silence while the girls were trying to think of another song to sing. My child happily starts bouncing again and starts to sing at the top of her lungs, "THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT! THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIIIIIGHT! FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT (the freaks come out!)"   I could literally feel the heat of the other playground moms staring at me.

So, I will not be Mother of the Year this year or in any year to come. I'm doing a good job and so is my husband. But the fact is, we mess up. She hears things we don't want her to hear. She occasionally sees things she probably should not. She has her Momma's temper. I am not a perfect mother. I'm a work in progress, just like my daughter. We are extremely lucky that things are not worse. I mean really, she could have been singing "Superfreak". That would have just been scandalous.

Target Practice With My Foot

2010-07-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

    I am the Queen of Procrastination. I am the Empress of Postponement. I am the all powerful Master of Dilly-Dallying. You need something done, you let me know. I’ll get it done. By “get it done” I mean I will add it to my trusty to-do list and then promptly ignore it for 3 years.
    I don’t know why I’m this way, I just am. My therapist (yes, I see a therapist.. don’t you judge me) says that it’s a method of self destruction. I know, it sounds crazy serious, right? But basically what he is saying that I have expert aim at shooting myself in the foot. When I really think about it, I guess he’s right. Now I have to just figure out why I'm loading the gun in the first place.
    I have good intentions. I really do. My never ending inventory of unreached goals is chock full of great ideas. I want to volunteer at a the SPCA. I love animals. I hate to see them in pain. I would get such fulfillment out of helping them find happy homes. So, what’s the deal? Why don’t I just do it? Well, duh... I’m too busy. I am just so amazingly over scheduled that I just can’t manage a few hours a week to help care for these precious creatures. I couldn’t possibly miss an episode of Glee or a read a few less chapters a week in exchange for helping some sweet, lovable dog find a family! I need my “me time”!
    Of course, you all know I want to go back to school. So what’s the deal there? Why don’t I just do it? I could squeeze in at least a class a semester. I could go online. Seriously, what would it take? A few hours a week? I could stay up later. I could wake up an hour earlier each day. What’s my excuse this time? Money, of course! We never have enough. I’d rather spend the money on groceries or to pay the electric bill. You would think this could be solved with low rate student loans. Not the case. I hate debt. You see? I have an excuse for everything.
    I wish I knew why I was this way. I wish I knew why I feel the need to set myself up for disappointment. Maybe I am scared I will actually succeed at something. Maybe I fear the responsibilities that come along with success. Maybe I just don’t want to put forth the effort. It’s possible, of course, that I am just plain lazy. I hope that’s not the case, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the fact that all these goals are easily within my reach. All I have to do is make a good grab for them.

So why are my arms still lying motionless at my sides?

     I know I'm not alone in this situation, I know there are others out there like me. So tell me, what are you avoiding? Why are you putting it off? And most of all, what's it gonna take to make you actually go for it?

As for me, I am trying. I want to change this. I want to succeed at something. Anything. I need to have that "something" that I can point to and say "Hey! I did that!" . It's time to stop playing target practice with my feet and aim for something higher.

Book Review : Dracula In Love

2010-07-24T07:49:00.001-07:00

Dracula in Love by Karen Essex has been touted in many book reviews as “Twilight for grownups”. I can see a few similarities, I guess. Yes, there is a vampire. Yes, there is a love story. But that’s where the resemblance ended for me. Hang on to your Team Edward novelty baseball hats, because this ain’t your teenager’s vampire novel.
     This book is dark. It’s mysterious. It’s sensual. This is a real gothic novel, the way they are supposed to be written. You want to go wandering through mist filled, centuries old cemeteries in the dead of night? How does a visit to a Victorian “insane” asylum sound? Dracula in Love has it all, and then some.
     Karen Essex has taken the characters from Bram Stoker’s classic novel and given them quite an imaginative back story. In the original, Mina Murray is an innocent bystander in an act of revenge between the count and his lawyer, Jonathan Harker. But in Essex’s retelling of the tale, Mina may not be such a innocent victim. She is something else entirely, something she herself has tried to ignore her entire life .As a child, she learned to hide her strange abilities and talents in exchange for a calm, normal life. She dreamed of a beautiful wedding, a doting husband and house full of children. However, nightly visions, sometimes horrific and other times extremely erotic, have her confused and scared. Who is this creature she encounters in her dreams? She finds herself drawn to him in ways she has never experienced, or at least, in ways she cannot fully explain. Yet, he appears to posses knowledge of her every thought, her every desire. The two souls are somehow connected in a way mere mortals could never fully comprehend.
     I enjoyed this novel so much. Essex is an amazingly talented author, giving new life to these classic characters. She deftly intertwines the histories of Mina and the Count into the original story without missing a beat. The blending is flawless. In some instances, when an author attempts to retell a classic tale one of two things tend to happen. One, the older story becomes somewhat forgotten, it’s charm is lost when it’s replaced with a shinier new version. Two, the new version tends to feel, for lack of a better word, stolen. You find yourself wondering why the author even attempted to make these characters her own. They are someone else’s imaginings and they just don’t come to life in the hands of another writer. However, Dracula in Love did not leave me feeling as if Mina Murray was simply a borrowed character. I felt as if she blossomed beautifully under Essex’s care. I also do not feel as if Stoker’s original story is overshadowed by this new novel. I actually find myself tempted to read it again!
     Dracula in Love is a beautifully writtten and wildly addictive novel. I suggest it to anyone, whether you prefer your vampires sparkly and melodramatic or dark and wildly sensuous. But really, when you look at it that way , is there really a choice?

Stuff That Made Me Laugh This Week...

2010-07-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Some of you may find it surprising to learn that I have a very immature sense of humor. Yea, I know it's pretty shocking, considering all the seriously compelling posts and articles that I usually grace this blog with. However, today is different. Today I will take a break from the serious and businesslike tone that I normally bestow upon you, my beloved internet companions. Today, I will simply pass along a few things that I found myself giggling about this week. I want you to start the weekend with laughter, dear readers. I want to make you happy. This is about you.

Ok, fine. You got me. I've got nothing to post about today and I like the funny.

This video reminds of every fight that I have ever had with my husband. Can you guess which character I identify with the most?

Pugs.. oh how I love you...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Swear Jar!

Swear Jar--Funniest Commercial Ever! - watch more funny videos

There ya go, my little foray into the silliness. I will now resume perusing the internet for quantum physics formulas and researching cures for athlete's foot and global warming. Either that, or I'll be watching sneezing panda videos and eating cheetos. Same difference.