• Legal Logistics: What are your states laws regarding adoption and relinquishment?

The laws regarding the adoption process and what organizations can process them differ by state.  In most states lawyers, agencies, and religious organizations such as Lutheran Family Services alike can handle adoption paperwork and relinquishment.

• You will need a lawyer to complete necessary paperwork.

Find an experienced and well recommended adoption attorney.  Word of mouth is the best way to find a lawyer with outstanding ethics.  Look for someone detail oriented who communicates well with you.  I, for example, am a big e-mailer and the attorney we used for our son’s adoption responds quickly to my emails.  Your attorney is one area in which you don’t want to shop on price.

• What agencies/organizations can provide you a home study and what will it cost?

All states require you to complete an adoption home study.  Requirements for home studies vary by state but most include several interviews with you and your spouse/partner as well as a visit to your home.  Home studies also include fingerprinting, various background checks, a letter from your physician as to your health, a short biography from each of you, and often letters of recommendation.

Call several state approved agencies and organizations in your area to find out the steps involved and cost of each particular office.

• How will you advertise and where?

How do you plan to locate potential birth parents.  Word of mouth and networking are your most powerful tools.  Most couples also choose to create a website featuring photos and a letter to potential parents about themselves.

Research websites and determine a rough idea for cost of design (buying pre-made templates can save you money) and monthly hosting.

Running ads in local newspapers and shoppers is also a good idea when choosing an independent adoption.  First verify with your attorney that your state allows advertising for potential birth parents.  No state allows you to offer compensation for a child, as it is illegal so be careful with your wording should you choose to provide assistance to birth parents for allowable expenses.

Once you have a general idea of cost of advertising and networking re-evaluate?  Is this affordable to you?  From here you can make a more in depth plan for running ads in local papers.  Always negotiate a better rate when you are running an ad for long periods of time or with multiple papers owned by a parent company.

• Who will handle birth parent relinquishment for your independent adoption?

That great lawyer you found should help you decide who will handle relinquishment.  They will be able to advise you (at no cost if you get a good one) as to your state’s laws about who can handle birth parent relinquishment.

• One last step before delving into that big pile of home study paperwork:

Plan your baby’s health insurance, check with your insurance company to find out how you can add your new bundle of joy and get an estimate of your new premium.

Got the gear?  Some people choose to abstain from buying baby items in preparation until they are matched with a potential birth mother or are bringing baby home.  Either way you should have funds set aside or have the necessities ready to go as even in an independent adoption you could have very little notice.  I had only 6 days between our call and our son’s delivery.

Phone number:  You will likely want a toll free phone number for potential birth mothers to call.  These are relatively inexpensive and available from your local phone company or through other phone services.  The number my husband and I used was provided by a local land-line provider but forward to my cell as we had no land line.  We were charged by the minute when a birth mom called.

Take your time planning and gathering information about logistics.  The process of adopting independently goes more smoothly when you have the details ironed out.  Carefully planning will save you from costly mistakes and heartache in the future.

Of course, not everything can be planned; when it comes to building a relationship with potential birth parents go slowly and be flexible.  Good luck!  Now go get “paperwork pregnant.”

**Thank you to my regular readers for enduring my recent outbreak of adoption related articles.  Adoptive parents are in need of good quality information about the process and I want to share my experience with those currently in the process.**

What is a private or independent adoption?

A private adoption, also called an independent adoption, or identified adoption, is an adoption in which adoptive parents utilize an attorney rather than an adoption agency to handle an adoption.

This type of adoption is permitted in 46 states; some states however prohibit advertising for birth parents. During an independent adoption, adoptive parents search for birth parents through personal networking, ads in newspapers, or using the web.

Relinquishments are handled by attorneys and given directly to adoptive parents. In an agency adoption the agency receives the relinquishment and then passes it on to the adoptive parents. In private adoptions a lawyer for the adoptive parents will handle the legal documents, arranging payments to birth parents, attaining proof of pregnancy, and finalization. In some states attorneys are also permitted to assist adoptive parents in screening potential birth parents.

Birth father rights should be addressed by your attorney. Adoptive parents are still required to complete a home study that meets their state’s requirements.

Adoptive parents should seek out adoption attorneys with experience and ethical practices. It is considered ethical to have a separate attorney who handles the relinquishment from the birth mother who may bill you for the costs. In cases where birth parents and adoptive parents live in different states an attorney or agency will have to comply with Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children Laws.

Why choose an independent adoption:

Some birth parents prefer to deal with adoptive parents directly and be an active participant in selecting prospective parents. Some birth parents feel that an independent adoption affords them a bit more privacy and it allows them to avoid bureaucracy that they may believe exists in an agency.

Adoptive parents may choose an independent adoption because it allows them to take an active role in finding and choosing birth parents with whom to match. Adoptive parents have complete control of where advertising dollars are spent and may choose independent adoption to avoid high agency fees. For some families it is important to avoid arbitrary standards that some agencies have set, yet others still report a greater sense of openness and ease in independent adoption.

Possible reasons to avoid and independent adoption:

Adoptive parents may wish have counseling for themselves or birth parents included. Agencies allow adoptive parents to pool their resources in seeking birth parents. Couples who are not “tech” savvy may find themselves adrift without the guidance of an agency.

Each year as many independent adoptions are completed as agency adoptions. Wait times will vary on the spread and effectiveness of adoptive parent networking and advertising efforts.

If you choose to pursue an independent adoption you may need to hire a counselor for birthparents based on state law, and you will still have to follow the birthparent relinquishment and home study laws of your state. You can find a state by state listing of relinquishment and advertising laws at www.Adoptive FamiliesMagazine.com.

Now, at 2 years old, I don’t find the jiggling that inconvenient and I do so enjoy some snuggle time, but my helping him to sleep is actually keeping him from falling back to sleep if he wakes up at night.

Over the last 2 years I’ve heard countless people say just let him cry it out, to which I say, you go cry yourself to sleep everynight.  That will make you LOVE bed time!

So today at nap time, I placed my son in his bed and left the room.  He wandered out several times, each time without a word or even eye contact I picked him up and placed him back in his bed.  After several repeats of this process I decided it would be easier to stay in his room.  So I laid him down again, told him it was time for “night night”, kissed his head and sat in the rocking chair, laptop in lap.

When he sat up or climbed out of bed, I simply pointed at his bed and he climbed back under the covers and laid down.  After just 10 minutes, (30 from the start), my kiddo fell asleep: on his own, no jiggling, no tears.

I promptly left the room and did my parenting touchdown dance…he sleeps, I rock!

While toddlers love the great outdoors not every day is suitable for outside play. So how can we can bring a little of the outdoors inside and a little wonder and education to our toddlers at the same time?

The Discovery Window is simple to put together and the possibilities for education and entertainment are as wide as your child’s interests.

The discovery window allows your little one get up close and personal with birds, bees, and other critters when your pre-schoolers’ noisy ways might otherwise scare them off.

To get started simply pick a window, one your child can look out with ease or without breaking your rules!

Bring on the wonder: hang a variety of bird feeders, wind spinners, or birdhouses outside the window. You can place a birdbath near a first floor window or plant flowers just outside of a garden level window. As the flowers push through the soil and the bees pay a visit you will find your discovery window as busy as your pre-schooler.

Adding items like a wind spinner, thermometer, and rain gauge help start basic science discussions and teach children about weather.

Let your child assist in filling the feeders. While getting the job done (and making a mess let’s be real!) your kiddo will be stretching their developmental muscles, pouring, estimating, and learning what animals eat. As your child gets older she can help maintain a small window side garden.

The Discovery Window is yours to fill, be creative, let your children create or pick out the feeders or make it mom’s favorite too by including your own garden style. Decorate the window at holidays or change up the feeders seasonally to keep both the birds and your child interested.

It doesn’t matter if you have an apartment with balcony or only a window box, a house with picture windows or no trees at all, you can create a discovery window of your own for your child.

What works for us & the critters?

Our windows are not garden level so hanging the feeders under the eaves of the house works well. It keeps the feeders and houses out of the rain and snow so they last longer. The little bit of shelter also gives the birds a reprieve from rain and bitter wind in the winter.

In my feeders:

I recommend that you use safflower seeds to attract cardinals, jays, and other song birds. Grackles, house sparrows, and pigeons won’t eat this and the squirrels won’t bother your feeders as the seeds are very bitter! Safflower is available in 5 lb. bags at Wal-Mart in spring and early summer otherwise visit a local bird store or tractor supply year round. Make sure to store all birdseeds in an airtight plastic or metal container to keep rodents from having a field day! Cardinals love safflower and will literally be singing your praises for putting it out.

Use thistle seed in a feeder with small openings (it’s not cheap) to attract a wide variety of finches. If you want to avoid squirrels and common birds avoid store bought “wild bird seed mixes”, these contain filler which often ends up as a mess on the ground, however they are inexpensive and will attract birds none the less. Keep your feeders full and the birds will keep coming back.

Start creating your Discovery Window today and you will find that it attracts toddlers, song birds, and frazzled mothers alike. Bringing the outdoors into our home even on the coldest days of winter or noisiest days of toddlerhood brings both calm and cheer. Good luck and let me know what wonderful items you add to your Discovery Window.

I was kicked out of my mom’s group this week. At first I was furious, completely outraged and embarrassed. After a few days, the initial sting wore off and I realized how little I actually cared about my banishment and the “connections” made during the mommy outings. Not only was I ousted but also invited to never return again but good luck finding another mommy group. So what did I do to offend the mommy mafia?

It could have been one of several things….

After several play dates at local children’s museums, gyms, and zoos I connected with only one could be friend…she of course was that gal who rarely attends functions. A brave woman, a woman who knows how to coexist with other women would have instantly become her best friend and easily asked for her phone number so they could get together and make a quiche. But those of us attending mommy meetups don’t exactly have the best woman to woman social skills do we? If we did, we wouldn’t need to join a damn playgroup.

Yet in all my desperation to make a new friend, I could not bring myself to give her my mommy business card, and would frankly have found it easier to walk up to a strange man on the street and ask for his number.

At one toddler playgroup, I overheard another woman whispering to a mom of twins about a craft project she did at a different mom’s group. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the mommy meetup fence? Two weeks later I headed to the zoo to meet a new moms group and see what they were all about.

Welcome to Stepford. Upon my arrival I was immediately greeted by 8 smiling faces, 5 of whom I believe were named Cindy. I was asked several questions about my upbringing in the church (uh oh here we go) and then promptly ignored for ten minutes, it could have been longer because after two minutes I began to have an Ally McBeal moment in which I was switching their matching hairdos in various shades of color-treated blonde, dishwater blond, and platinum blonde from head to head.

As we stood in line at the zoos entrance, the perfectly quaffed mommy mafia stood chatting about what so and so did on Tuesday and someones husband john just loved the meatless lasagna recipe that one of the Cindys had passed onto the group. I noticed their Adidas tennies, matching Eddie Bauer shirts in various pastel shades, and their Jeep brand strollers. Their ears were adorned with identical pairs of earrings purchased at the last Lia Sophia party they all attended together. I stood there in my Maurice’s shirt, and payless kicks complimenting their children, making small talk and trying my best to fit in.

After another 20 minutes of half smiles and darted glances from the Cindy’s as if to say “do we really have to talk to you? We didn’t invite you!” I came to the conclusion that these were not my peeps. So I did what any desperate and disappointed mom would do, I hung back at the Seahorse exhibit and ditched them.

Apparently, after that an APB went out about me, the rebel without a pottery barn diaper bag. Below an unflattering image of me taken from aquarium surveillance video read the warning…this woman is considered to be both overweight and non religious. She has a long list of priors including blatant non-rsvp-ing, and egregious non participation…and she didn’t even have to endure childbirth.

So it could have been that…or it could have been that I was out of town and then out of state for a total of 5 weeks and did not log into my meetup account thus encouraging the moms of my first mommy group to exile me without a shred of understanding.

Either way, I’m not missing out on anything. But the mommy mafia had better watch their backs; I may just start a Mommy playgroup of my own for other rebel mommies. We’ll fly a pink and purple version of the confederate flag, and wear Old Navy flip flops, and feed our children processed foods.

For weeks I saw sippy cups disappear from our hotel room. I figured they were lost by a frazzled nanny as she wheeled our son through the zoo, the park, and the grocery store in his fire red stroller.

After reclaiming our sanity, our son, and my mini-van, I hunted for sippies finding only two. Where have all the others gone?

I believe there is a vortex underneath the passenger seat of the van from where a gas, not oxygen, currently emanates.

I am not woman enough to reach my hand under the seat and pull out whatever horrors lie beneath. I’ll freely admit that I am a giant chicken, a wimp, yes…even a girl.

Maybe I’ll take it to the Wal-Mart Auto Center and say “no I don’t need my tires rotated, just check underneath the passenger seat.” Should the mechanic be so bold as to investigate and come away from the van shaking his hand in the air and shrieking to the heavens I will know that it is time to sell my gas guzzling beast.

Even if I were to summon up the courage to investigate more closely I’m not sure that any amount of carpet cleaner or lye soap could remove the offending life form. As many will recall I encountered a similar “mystery fungus” behind my couch months ago which began to shriek and moan when sprayed with Windex.

So if nothing else, I’ll give Techie some nookie, arm him with a bottle of lemon scented pine sol and send him on a quest to discover and kill the source of the offending odor.

I fully expect to get any number of comments about how this makes my readers want to vomit. I do apologize, in fact, this is not the blog post that I intended it to be when I sat down to write. Tonight’s blog post was supposed to be about my renewed intent to get knocked up by my husband and a team of talented medical professionals. Alas, this post will stand as proof that I should indeed reproduce on account of my fine mothering and housekeeping skills.

For those who were barfing it may further offend and disgust you to know I wrote the entire post while sitting on the toilet!

Yesterday, while on hold with the utilites company, I was going through the automated voice system and said “7″ outloud…from across the room Chibby turns around and shouts “3″! Guess which one the automated system accepted!

We grabbed a quick bite to eat after a playdate at the Target food court. As I loaded Chibby into the cart to pick up a few things he looked back at the table and shouted “Bye hotdog!”

No, I said, your hotdog is in your belly.

He lifted his shirt, rubbed his belly, and said “yum”.

I love having an almost 2 year old.

She said she hated newborns.  What kind of person hates newborn babies?  What’s she going to do next? Sacrifice a puppy in front of me?

Who came up with lollipops?  Let’s stick a trachea sized ball of sugar on the end of a long stick and give it to little kids.  Who thought that would be a good idea?

Well I’ve never seen your kid move.  (muttered under my breath)

Then… I reached into his mouth and pulled out half of a rock hard overcooked hotdog that smelled like lighter fluid.

Imagine a picnic draped in crepe streamers and balloons, with festive checkered table clothes covering the tables, bright red and yellow pails brimming with ice cold chilled drinks, baskets heaping with muffin shaped peanut butter brownies, juicy flavorful burgers with all the fixings that taste as good as they smell, crispy potato chips and heaping veggie pizza irresistible to even the strictest of dieters,  and potato and fruit salads scooped into individual serving cups on a bed of ice just waiting to be eaten. 

Imagine 20 guests, all laughing and smiling, little kids playing, adults chatting it up, and a great big balloon fight that brings them all together.   Now imagine all of that in my 1200 sq. ft. house!

When I imagined what the 9^th annual company picnic for Techie’s business would be,  40 degree temperatures, cold pouring rain, and relentless winds weren’t on the list.  But, that’s what I ended  up with! 

With less than 5 hours to go before show-time, the picnic was moved to my warm and not yet clean house.  I decked the place out picnic style, cleaned the house (i.e. crammed all our crap into closets and drawers and made the beds), and put on my party smile.

Turns out the party was our best ever, which goes to show that you don’t need a ton of money to pull of a great party.  If the food is good and the kids are entertained everyone will have a great time.  For many of our employees it was the first time they had a chance to meet one another or just hang out outside of the office.  

Techie and I had never met most of their families and despite of day of unexpected, and mostly unpleasant suprises, the party was a smash.  Of course the awesome company swag bags we gave our employees didn’t make them hate us either! 

So how’d I pull it off?  Here’s a menu and a list of tips on having a rockin’ company picnic, or family reunion, or even Father’s Day celebration.

Menu:

Burgers & Dogs – Both cost effective and easily jazzed up.  Serve up condiments in bar style garnish holder.  For a festive look and easy clean up serve burgers and dogs in red and yellow hot dogs baskets lined with parchment.

Potato Salad- An easy and fairly inexpensive staple of picnic fare.  Keep the buffet line moving and the cleanup a breeze but scooping out individual servings into pint sized clear disposable plastic cups.  A little garnish adds some sophistication.  Not a tater salad aficionado?  Sally-Lee it like I did.

Peanut Butter Brownies- Add a bag of peanut butter chips to a couple boxes of brownie mix and pour into a muffin pan.  My first batch were hockey bucks.  Make the cake like recipe and fill half way at most. 

Fruit Salad-  Super easy and yummy yummy.  I cut up strawberries, blueberries, green and red seedless grapes, melon balled some watermelon, sliced up a couple of kiwis and tossed it all together with an infused syrup made by mixing a bit of warm water with splenda (just till it’s syrupy and stir well), added a hint of vanilla and some orange zest then drizzled it over the salad.  Garnish with a dollop of whip and a mint leaf.  I had no leftovers…darn.

Make sure you’ve got plenty of drinks.  And if you actually get to picnic make sure to provide sunscreen, bug repellent, and lots of extra water. 

**Tiny Kitchen Tip***

My fab kitchen features a whole 8’ of counter space (if that) so I utilized the sink by filling both basins with ice and nesting the individual potato and fruit salads (in the past of stuck drinks in there).  Be sure to polish it up a bit before you attempt this!

 So what you ask was in the swag bags? 

We had athletic bags (the backpack kind) printed with a collegiate type version of our logo and company name.  Each bag contained three t-shirts and 1 embroidered cap featuring the same design, sunscreen, water, Gatorade, the famed Frisbees, beef jerky, gum, bubbles (for the kiddos), and Burts Bees Lip Balm (the best lip balm on earth). 

Why doesn’t anyone ever say that?  They should have a chapter in every baby book titled “parenting can suck too”.  When you bring that sweet new baby home you never think that you’ll be horribly embarrassed when he chucks his sippy cup clear across the restaurant at lunch, that you’ll have to wrestle him to get him into a diaper while he kicks and screams like you’re killing him, or that you’ll want to put him in a box and ship him to Grandma when he won’t go down for a nap.  

When you’re a stay at home mom you’re supposed to have it all together right:  a list of educational activities for the day, healthy home cooked meals, and kids who behave perfectly.  WRONG!  Being a stay at home mom is emotionally draining, and emotional drain and stress kill your energy and put your body and health in a funk.

It was on one of these sucky days last week that I picked up the book “Mom’s Need Time Outs Too”.  I spent the last week reading it (during that huge amount of free time I have) and frankly….i want my free time back.  That $12 book is now in the trash. 

Aside from being a dry read overall, I found the book to be a stale reworking on every other stupid how to be a better mom book out there.  Despite a long preface about how the three authors talked to real moms and came up with real solutions, I heard that old familiar tune…take time for yourself…oh yes, but exercise and cook healthy meals and do this and do that.

Seriously, I don’t need a book adding to my to do list.  Not that I’m a parenting pro, but here is some real world mom advice: it’s okay to let your kid eat a corn dog for dinner and run around in his pajama shirt and no pants all day while you veg out with Oprah and as PW says pick your toes. 

It’s okay to leave your kid with a dippy teenager girl (aren’t they all these days) for 3 hours every week so you can go out with the hubby.  Sure she’s not going to do your kids’ IQ any good but as long as he’s whole when you get home it’s all good!

There are days when it sucks to be a mom, there are days when it sucks twice as much because you’re a stay at home mom.  When you fight losing battles all day so you start a fight with your husband just so you can win something…it’s okay.   Once you’ve really pissed him off with an argument about what movies Bob Sagat was in, open up and clue him into what’s really going on.  Don’t hide behind a smile because it only breeds resentment. 

Call a girlfriend or email your sister and say my kid is driving me nuts today.   Your emotions get cabin fever too, let them out to run around.   Let go of the pereception that we all have to wear a brave face and be everyone’s everything. 

Let it all hang out and then start the next day new.  So what if junior went to bed with a fruit snack stuck to the bottom of his foot and mysterious pen marks on his leg….he’s fine and you will be too.  Being a mom is the job that never ends…if you need to, borrow a mantra from Dory “just keep swimming.”