Hilarious Clean Jokes

Yo Mama is So Fat…

johnny — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:57:24 +0000

Yo Mama is so fat… she sat on a watermelon and made fruit roll up.

(joke made up by Jennifer Henderson)

MaMa Test

johnny — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 21:08:49 +0000

THE MAMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked. ‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mama.’ We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad..’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

Baby Jesus

randall — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:22:02 +0000

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, “Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?”Jimmy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

Brown Pants

randall — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:20:11 +0000

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”

The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”

Bad Parrot

randall — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:06:22 +0000

There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.

So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.

Two hours later the squawking stopped.

The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop cussing, but I have one question”.

The boy said, “What”?

The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???

Wife On A Train

randall — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:35:52 +0000

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her husband noticed she was looking a little pale and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” she replied. “To tell you the truth, I’m a little nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”

“Poor dear,” he said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”

“I wanted to, but I couldn’t,” she replied. “There was no one there.”

Good To Be Dog

randall — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:35:26 +0000

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

God Will Provide

randall — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 20:33:00 +0000

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

Baseball Bat

randall — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:00:51 +0000

What type of animal is always are Baseball games?

Bats.

Bikes

randall — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:58:25 +0000

Why won’t the bike stay up when it’s not moving?

Because it is too tired.