Hire Me Not

T.M.P- Too Much Pee

2011-12-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

Well, after a long hiatus of inspiration free employees...we landed a keeper! I mean this is the type of big fish that lands you a spot on the Discovery Channel. Pshh, and here I was thinking maybe the right people had been reading this and learned something!

Now not much happened, but what did go down was PLENTY. I look at it like shitting your pants, you don't have to let the whole turd out of the bag for it to make an impression! So, just the other day a nice (and a tad strange) older gentleman graced us with his presence. Now it wasn't his lack of teeth or admitted use of lithium (and not the doctor prescribed way) that made me want to start writing in this blog again... what was it you ask? Well, this fine gentleman informs me, his potential employer, a stranger, that he has a catheter that he must insert himself and begins to lift his shirt to show me said drainage-bag! Normally I'd try and come up with some funny quip at the end... but I think "drainage-bag" says it all.

If I wanted to talk to an asshole, I'd fart.

2011-10-12T07:27:00.000-04:00

I hate farts. I don't think there's anything I find more disgusting then a fart. Anyone that thinks it's appropriate to fart in public... has probably applied with my company before.

Ever hear the joke: laugh and the world laughs with you, fart and the world stops laughing. Maybe not everyone agrees but I can guarantee you every interviewer agrees. I do have a heart (barely, but it's there), if you let one of those vicious silent but deadly ones sneak out... I'm assuming you didn't do it on purpose. I'll give you a bye and save you the embarrassment of either making a disgusted face or falling on the floor laughing.

However the next time you feel the dreaded bubblies, feel something brewing below, feel something you know is going to sound like an orchestra in your pants... it's much more polite to just excuse yourself then to lift a cheek, make a face, then look at me and simply say, "oops."

but she knew me since diapers...

2011-10-12T07:08:00.000-04:00

Thank you for bringing your list of references - but sir (I say sir because he's in his mid 30s), a reference from your old babysitter is not very promising.

This poses an immediate risk to your job

2011-10-07T07:43:00.001-04:00

Who would you like us to contact in case of an emergency? One brilliant temp clearly listens in school. His answer... 911.

Thank god he told me, I thought it was 991!

Like Me Not

2011-10-06T12:45:00.000-04:00

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION ALERT!

In the words of the great Bill Cosby, "advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on," so here I am looking for a good time.

You can now "like" Hire Me Not on Facebook (yup that's even a link!) If you read and enjoy the blog, show me some love huh? I clearly don't get much at work so I'm reaching out to you!

We can't autocorrect you

2011-10-06T07:20:00.001-04:00

Okay I've already mentioned the people that answer their phones in the interviews (just writing that sentence makes me want to punch myself in the face), but lets talk about texting now.

I can see you hiding your phone under the table, you're not sneaky. Is your text so important that it can't wait until after our interview? Actually hold on lets back up... why did you even bring your phone inside? That shit stays in your car. No car? In your pocket. There's nothing I hate more then telling someone to put their phone away.

This is probably one of the most disturbing stories I have encountered myself, I debated even writing this story for the sole reason that I don't want to relive it.... but here is goes.

Are we all up-to-date on what "sexting" is? Okay, good. Now one gentleman was one of the obnoxious fools texting during the interview. I could see him constantly looking down and smirking at every text, and then I could hear the little keypad of him texting back. What I did not realize at the time however is this gentleman was not texting, he was sexting. How do I know, you ask? Good question... as we end the interview and stand to shake hands, I could not help myself from looking down because something had appeared that was not there when the interview began. He had the most outrageous boner, stiffy, woody, whatever you want to call it, staring me in the face. What's worse? The man looks down, sees what he's created, makes a face like he is proud of himself... and then winks at me. Well, maybe that's something to put on your resume: ability to rise to any occasion.

Not a puppet.

2011-10-04T15:41:00.002-04:00

Someone left a single sock in our lobby today. That is all.

Not ready for this jelly

2011-09-30T07:30:00.001-04:00

Yes, there are two balls between your legs. I can only imagine the... criss cross action going on in there. Some appropriate times to "adjust,": on your couch, in your car (alone preferably), maybe the bathroom? But PLEASE, do not stand in front of me, adjust your junk, then reach for a handshake. Thanks!

Like uncle like nephew

2011-09-27T13:39:00.002-04:00

POP QUIZ TIME- This is a two parter you lucky bastards you!

Two men, an uncle and a nephew live together. The nephew comes in and fills out an application with his uncle, however since the nephew has no cell phone the uncle instructs his nephew to leave his cell number.

PART ONE:
You get a phone call from your nephews employer but your nephew is not home.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Jot down a note for him to return our call.
B: Try and memorize the message and number to have him call back.
C: Tell me to "fuck off dude" (yes, dude included),that you HAVE a job and your nephews problems are not yours...click.

Okay I guess I gave that one to you guys - freebie! Anytime the word "fuck" appears in one of the answers - safe bet that that's the incorrect answer, if you disagree then I wish you all the best in your future test taking. While I don't agree with B either, meh... kudos to you for such a great memory (I hope)! But listen up dude who so politely graced me with C- the uncle of the year award goes to... anyone else! Maybe try again next year once you pull that nine iron out of your sand wedge!

PART TWO:
You realize your employer called and your uncle did not take the message.
Question: What would the correct action to take be?
A: Call back, and ask what I called for.
B: Call back, apologize for your uncles behavior, explain that the rudeness gene does not run in the family and ask what I called for.
C: Tell me it's my own damn fault for trying to leave a message with his uncle in the first place and politely (insert sarcasm here) ask, "well, what the fuck did you need?"

I am not a telemarketer, I did not buy your uncles telephone number, I did not find it on a list, you gave it to me dumbass! Remember when you filled out that application? Not sure what golf club you're using but it clearly came from your uncles set and I would suggest pulling yours out too.

If it quacks like a pig

2011-09-26T16:44:00.001-04:00

If you do not show up to work and do not call to let me know, please do not be surprised when I fire your ass. Okay for all of you getting huffy - of course it is circumstantial and if you can't find your teddybear or chip a nail or fall into a hole, we'll give you a bye. But to not expect to be let go and then have the audacity to yell at me... well, it's kind of an unfair battle because well ma'am - I'm at work.

So here's to you miss devil woman gypsy who calls ME a name when you are the one that can't show up to work... thank you. Thank you for reminding me that even when I'm telling people that American children obviously can't locate the US on a map not because they're undereducated but because they simply don't have access to maps- that myself and '07 Miss Carolina will always be smarter than you.

I won't judge you if you don't get the reference. Honestly who watches Miss Teen USA... except me:

Caught you dirt handed

2011-09-19T07:15:00.000-04:00

I know, me too. The dirtiness of my hands is directly related to how much my face itches. So I'm going to assume you coming in here with your face covered in dirt means you fell in a dirt pile before walking in here which clearly made your face itch.

We call you blue mouth

2011-09-16T12:09:00.001-04:00

Fact: I'm a bit crazy. There are many people that I'm sure would be more than happy to attest to that... but maybe sometimes it's for the best. I by no means expect everyone to follow my neurosis, but seriously there are some things I know I'm crazy about for a good reason!

One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is anything that changes the color of my mouth. Lollypops, Powerade, freeze-pops - my craziness has led me to lead a life missing some of the best flavors out there.

Now if you want to eat that blue raspberry lollypop, please, GO FOR IT! In fact, I'm jealous! However I would next time suggest waiting until AFTER your interview.

Toight like a toiger

2011-09-16T12:01:00.000-04:00

I have to talk to you about spandex for just one moment. Now I'm a culprit, I love me a good pair of spandex - under a dress, with a long t-shirt, with a great pair of heals, I do it ALL! That being said, there are types of spandex wearers that I just will.not.allow in my office. Let me please educate:

A. If your spandex look like a straight jacket for your legs - you're doing it wrong.
B. If your spandex represent any form of animal, no matter how much you love cheetahs - you're doing it wrong.
C. If your spandex turn what would have just been a simple "muffin top" into me thinking your back is pregnant - you're doing it wrong.
D. If you have a penis - I'm all for equal rights, but sir... you do know that most spandex are see-through right?

Nappy Time

2011-09-15T16:50:00.001-04:00

If you fall asleep while filling out the application then I have the PERFECT job for you! If you stand up, walk out our door, close the door behind you - congratulations you found it!

Crappy hour

2011-09-13T12:31:00.000-04:00

To me growing up and graduating college meant settling down (a bit) and usually being way too tired for happy hour. To you it meant go for happy hour and then showing up to your interview. Ironic that I'm the one interviewing you? I think not.

I assume you're a douche

2011-09-13T12:27:00.001-04:00

You know what happens when you assume? You make me end up using stupid cliches like this one!

So when you assume that I don't know what it means when you ask me if my pearl necklace is real and then giggle under your breathe... I'M going to assume you still live at home with mommy, your teddy and your blankie and your favorite pastime is Dora the Explorer and sucking on your thumb... OH, and you're not going to get the job!

FINISH HIM

2011-09-13T12:04:00.000-04:00

ADVISE ALERT: When you sit down for an interview and hand over a resume, the very first thing interviewers are trained to notice is gaps in work history. So my advise to you, keep busy, or at least have a decent excuse for the time off - aka: school, under the table work, children etc, etc...

A younger gentleman comes into our office with a fairly large gap in his work history. When I ask him what he had been doing during that time his response was, "becoming a video game expert."

I hope it was Pokemon Snap...

Offense taken.

2011-09-13T07:27:00.000-04:00

Coming in and saying, "I don't really want to work for your company but I'm getting desperate" is a sure way to land the job.

When is TMI really TM?

2011-09-12T00:04:00.003-04:00

People share the most ridiculous information with us, I'm not sure when HR became the new therapy session but I think I know more than therapists and hair dressers combined.

Now I'm not crazy about wild nail colors, but always like when people can pull it off. So I decided to try out this bright teal color...

Woman in an interview grabs my hand, "oh that used to be my favorite color, it's the color of my ex-husbands eyes... until he beat me."

Ultimate TMI.

Smell ya later

2011-09-07T09:02:00.001-04:00

After many crazy stories, creepy people, and jokes at other peoples expense... I am taking a much needed vacation. I'll be back next Monday with more Hire Me Not Tales!

He is not an idiot-savant at all. He is the real thing, he is an idiot-idiot.

2011-08-30T12:12:00.000-04:00

Sir, every time you say "dude" or "bra" in this interview I'm subtracting it from your already low IQ.

Please review my resume for consideration?

2011-08-30T12:05:00.003-04:00

It's pretty amazing how the wrong punctuation and spelling can change an extremely well thought out cover letter into an email that we pass around the office to laugh at and then it ends up hanging out with the other idiots in the trash can.

Now if you are a grammar nazi, or just have a brain, you'll have noticed that my grammar in this blog is FAR from perfect. The difference is, I'm not looking to get a job out of it. If you don't like my grammar... blow me (is that grammatically correct enough for you?). However, what I have to say to the resume submitters - a mistake or two in your cover letter MATTERS big time! So just like they told you in elementary school: proofread, proofread and then proofread again!!!!!

Here are some resume submission examples that I got a kick out of and saved over the past couple weeks:

I am looking for a "job." - Are you looking for a job, or does "job" stand for something?
I am looking for any opportunity on 3rd shit. - Isn't that a little biased against shit one and shit two?
I am looking for a job within XYZ County (privacy, duh), I need to stay local because I use pubic transportation - Do you rely on the mustache ride?
I am a very fat typer - I don't discriminate, but are you a fast typer too?
You will not be disappointed in me, I am butter then the other candidates. - I prefer margarine.. sorry.
I excel in courting, numbers, and anything math related - Courting? Are you trying to woo me?
Thank you for your consideration? - Are you not sure about thanking me yet?

So again remember, proofread?

Don't forget to wash behind your ears

2011-08-30T07:29:00.000-04:00

The clothing I have had in my closet the longest are those timeless pieces - my LBD, nice house sweater, slippers (that could probably be replaced now), items that either are never going to go out of style OR no one will see them in public to KNOW they're going out of style.

Now this goes mostly for gentlemen (if you want to call them that) I've met, but ladies too, that t-shirt with holes and armpit stains - not the best choice for your interview.

Man calls our office to see what hours we're open for walk ins, when I tell him it's over in 45 minutes he says "okay I'll clean up and be right over."

15 minutes later a man walks in. Now I would feel rude calling this guy filthy afraid of actually offending the filthy people.... this guy was absolutely, completely, utterly repulsive. His t-shirt was the leader of the pack of armpit stains- the salvation army would throw this guys shirt away, a homeless man would be embarrassed to wear this shirt, someone looking for a cleaning rag would think twice before using this shirt...

Me: "Wow, that was fast!"
Man: "I've mastered the 10 minute shower." - Doesn't smell like it buddy.

You don't have to prove that you can touch your toes... I believe you.

2011-08-29T12:04:00.000-04:00

Our lobby is not a good place to do your daily stretches. Quit bending over and sit your ass down in your chair.

We use Windex

2011-08-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

If you walk into our glass door even though it's covered in signs thinking it was open - I'm going to point and laugh at you with zero sympathy.