His grace is truly AMAZING

100 years ago...

2026-07-19T23:00:11.451-07:00

A hundred years ago today a precious soul was born. A dear lady who changed my life. She befriended me. She mentored me. She encouraged me to take life's fist steps... she loved me.

That's a big deal to me. I spent most of my years before knowing her, believing what my classmates had convinced me was true: my family only said they loved me, because they had to.

It took me decades to believe anyone could love me without God using them as a channel to love me. I believed only God could love me, people only thought they did because God made them care about me. Why? Because He is God and He can do the impossible--loving the most unlovable me.

But my Grandma Lady was different. She is one of the few people I couldn't dismiss her love for me as outside her choice. She went out of her way to get me involved at church. She stood up to my stepfather, when nobody else would. She inconvenienced herself to listen to me.for hours on the phone, and have me in her home. When she moved away, she gave me her personal 800 number (something I am not sure still exists), so that I could still call her anytime and not have to worry about my parents getting angry over a high long distance bill. She gave me the ability/opportunity to leave home when I truly had no way out.

I have no idea what my life would be today if she hadn't been willing to risk her peace and comfort to be actively involved in my life.

I want to have that kind of courage.

As Christians, we're quick to pray for someone, and then hope for the best. But how often are we willing to get our hands dirty and risk a broken heart, to help fellow believer make better life choices? She did that for me. I have been SO blessed to have had more people willing to be involved that just her, but she was the first.

She wasn't perfect, though I did have her on a pedestal for a time--that was a hard lesson. Praise the Lord, our friendship endured her fall from that "high place". She was my very best friend when she passed away. Her death was the hardest thing I have had to endure so far in my life. I still miss her and think of her everyday. I still want to call and talk to her when life has happened--good and bad things.

I wonder what she'd think of me 20 years later, back in CA, back at CBC, with a completely different name and 2 grown children headed to university. How would she have reacted when the things happened that lead me to leave Oregon? Would she still be proud of me (I have a birthday card with her writing that says she was proud of me...)? Would she be pleased with who my kids are becoming? Would she still be an interested participant in my life?

I don't know. But I hope so.

Trying to imagine what she would be like, today on her 100th birthday is near impossible. I mean she didn't want to be 80 so bad, she died 2 days after her birthday. 😏😁

So I think she be pretty disgusted at being 100! But I am certain her spunk, her smile and laugh would all still be as bright and beautiful as they ever were. Her joy was obvious, her love for the Lord was real.

She was my superhero. She was 5 inches shorter than me, but I always looked up to her! I did what I could to follow her example. And during the almost year that I lived with her, I learned all I could from cooking to cleaning to laundry and managing a house to serving the Lord and having a servant's heart. I didn't know how to do much, but everything I knew, she taught me.

A hundred years ago she was born, and her existence changed my life. I'm not sure she would have believed how much difference she made (she knows now, there are no mysteries in heaven). But one life. One person caring. Can make all the difference.

Be that person for someone. I try to be that someone for the people around me. Do it for the glory of God and for the honor of my Grandma K.

Happy Birthday my dearest friend! I will always love you. And you will always be my favorite grandma! My Grandma Lady. ♥️

Amazing Grace

2025-05-25T17:09:00.001-07:00

I always liked that song. Amazing Grace. The story of it's origin always moves me and amazes me about the author. He needed Amazing Grace to survive. More Amazing Grace to write those words. And more to live a life that proved those words to be true in his life. We can say almost anything, but living like our words are truth takes character and strength that comes only from God's Amazing Grace.

But what really gets me, and brings me to tears almost every time I hear or sing that song? The memory that comes to mind. One memory. Probably close to 19 years ago.

It was just another Sunday. Sitting a few rows behind Grandma Lady and Grandpa Man. Just an ordinary Sunday. I didn't know it then, but that was probably my last most vivid memory being made of that Amazing Lady. (I miss her every day! )

She was so consumed by that song. I've never seen anyone sing that song with such enthusiasm! She sang "it is well with my soul" and it was obvious that God's will was what she wanted most in her life. Whatever He wanted would be ok with her!! She was excited for the Lord to haste that Day when her faith would be sight!

It amused me that day. She brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart to see such joy and anticipation in her. I wanted to be up next to her sharing that excitement!

Now? It brings tears. I miss her so much. I'm so glad her faith has become sight. I look forward to seeing her again. I love that that memory is so vivid I can almost feel like she is at church with me in those moments. I hate that she is not.

It is my favorite memory because she was so much her. The her I had first met (now over 30 years ago), she was beautiful and glowing in the beauty of her praise to the Lord. I long for that day when my faith too becomes sight!

Until then...

It is well, it is well, it is well with my soul!!!

consistency, my prayer.

2025-03-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last week another of "my" widow ladies went to be with the Lord. Ninety-four years old, and faithful to the Lord, His people, His church and her family all those years. Not perfect, failures that I am aware of, but faithful and true as best she could.

Last I saw her was almost a year and a half ago. And though it had been several years and she had some age related dementia, her family assured me that she remembered me. And she seemed to when I had the opportunity to greet her, though I likely wouldn't have recognized her if she hadn't been with her family. It always amazes me when I am remembered by those who have forgotten others.

Anyway.

She passed away a couple weeks ago, and her memorial service was last weekend. Living far and being too busy for my own good made it impossible for me to attend the service in person. But thanks to the chaos of 2020 and the capability of livestreaming via Facebook, I was able to be there virtually.

I was blessed to hear her children and others she had influenced in their youth, speak in ways that brought not only honor to her but also glory to our Lord and Savior. What struck most was the common thread of consistency that was mentioned by every one who spoke of her. They all said they knew she was available, that she loved them, she was faithful to the Lord, her family and the church. I knew this to be true. She was a member of that church when we started there, I was 4 months old. And she was still there active as she could be almost 50 years later. The ripple effect of her life was so obvious.

I found myself praying over and over throughout the service "Lord, this is how I want to finish. I want my end to bring You this kind of glory. I want CONSISTENCY to be a word that describes me. I want to have this kind of impact on the lives around me. I want my family (bio and church) to be unwaveringly convinced of my love for them and Christ."

I want to follow Christ in such a way. Real. Loving. Faithful. Consistent.

hmm

2025-03-11T19:31:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while I hear the question,"What advice would you give to your 18 year old self?".

I tend to think something generic and hopeful like: just keep going, it'll be OK.

Or maybe I consider advising against one choice or another, but then I remember the good things that would never be without the hard and "horrible".

But last night and this morning, I've been thinking that I would recommend setting goals without expectations. Or maybe even just trust the Lord, buckle up, and enjoy the ride. Look always for the blessings and appreciate the ways life is good, even though it will not turn out the way you hope, imagine or expect. Always remember God is good, and His way is perfect, even if we don't like it or understand.

The biggest lessons life has taught me is don't have expectations and be confident in nothing. Expectations bring disappointment. Confidence in outcomes brings heartache and frustration. The only constant is change, and the only certainty is unpredictability.

My life is not what I wanted (or want), but it's still been good in so many ways. Good because I can see God in every page of every chapter.

bittersweet life...

2025-03-11T19:11:00.001-07:00

I am blessed.

I really don't know how to put this in to words, so I will ramble a bit...

I've always loved and appreciated the generations older than mine. Parent and grandparent figures have been my best friends, my preferred friend group for as long as I can remember.

So many have poured themselves into my life and have had profound influence on who I am today. From my ethics to my logic to my humor all shaped so much more by my befriended elders so much more than my peers or my family. For that I am forever thankful.

And as these older friends are finishing their race, I find myself in a place that allows me the opportunity to come alongside and help them finish well.

They helped me get started and I am honored to help them finish. It kinda sucks because I know if the Lord tarries and doesn't Rapture us out soon, there are "goodbyes" coming that I don't want. But the blessing to be chosen by these dear people because they know me, they trust me, they know I want nothing more than to see them have the best, most victorious finish possible.

As a young person being loved well by a wonderful church full of people who wanted God’s best for me, I made promises to many that I would take care of them when they got old. Many of them went home to Jesus before I moved back. But there are a few who remain, and are taking me up on that promise... I feel so honored.

I wanted to be this person when I was a pastor's wife, yet that pastor left me home while he did the caring for others. And when that time in my life ended, I thought the opportunity to be and do this life was over. But God has given me many opportunities to be more of a Pastor's Wife now than I ever had when I was one...

one more day would never be enough

2023-09-20T22:05:00.001-07:00

We as people often lament over the loss of our dearest loved ones, "ifI could have one more day, or even an hour to say those words I couldn't, or just a moment for one more hug (that hug I didn't get to give the last time I saw you...), then I would be ok."

But that's not the truth. We'd want more. One more day, one more week, another year would be awesome, but we'd still want more. Because we're greedy. We're selfish. And we are never ready for the final goodbye.

I miss my Grandma Lady every day. More than 17 years since she went home to Jesus. Every now and then as I drift off to sleep I selfishly ask the Lord for a dream of her. My dreams are always full color and sound, very much like being awake. (That's why I hate dreams, I often feel like I used an unnecessary amount of energy for my dream, and they are usually just nonsense, anyway.)

If I have to dream, Lord make it something worth dreaming,and dreaming of the Grandparents K, would be great!

Then randomly (every few years, I think) that wish is granted. Then I am not happy! I don't want to wake up! I can hear her voice I can see her smile, the sparkle in her eyes her laugh, I almost get that hug... this morning she almost touched my arm. It all returns like she is still here, and then I wake up. Back to reality seventeen years later, I am a person completely different than the one she knew me to be. (But maybe she believed I could be who I am now?)

I was not ready to wake up. I wanted more time. I wanted to hear all that she was saying. One more night, wasn't enough. Oh, I know I will have eternity with her. I know life has happened as it should have. God is good! But we deceive ourselves when we believe one more chance would be enough.

When I dream of her I am always amazed by the realization of how much I still miss her, by how long it's been and how short of time it seems, by how much of life she has missed. I am again saddened by the reality that I can't call her and tell her everything life has been since we last spoke... it's not as sharp as the hurt was when my phone rang that Sunday morning in July of 2006, but it is a reminder that I still have a hole in my heart and life left by one of the best people to ever touch my life.

Yes, I still want one more chance to say everything! Yes, I will still appreciate the dreams she appears in. Yes, I think I will continue to miss her every day. And that's ok. But I also know, if I were to get a chance to visit with her every night in every dream, it would not be enough.

Heaven will be wonderful, because we will have forever and goodbye will never happen again.

The solitary in families

2023-08-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio a couple of weeks ago, I enjoy a live call in program where people call to ask questions about the Bible or Christian beliefs. The mem on the program do a great job sticking with what scripture says and really do a good job of leaving their opinions out, or being clear about what is opinion and what is scripture. Anyway. I was listening in the car, as i often do, and a woman called in and said she felt like she needs to separate herself from her toxic mothe. The pastors gave her cautious counsel without really explaining what she wanted to understand -- that it is ok to walk away from anyone who is harmful to you, even if it's your mother. They did speak of the importance of forgiveness and said that anyone who is toxic or abusive should be removed from one's life. I desperately wanted to call in, but I was not able to. Hearing this call made me want to shout,"Yes! It is OK!" It is ok. I heard two different pastors on that same radio station, in the same week, say "Yes, blood is thicker than water, but the Spirit is thicker than blood." Well, that's good way to say it, but the first time I heard a message on being born of the Spirit and of water, I realized the slight the way Satan has twisted this truth! You see the birth of water references the womb--the blood relations in our lives... so yes "blood is thicker than water": The blood of Jesus is thicker than the water of the womb!! It's that simple! Our loyalty and faithfulness belongs to the family of Christ. We are commanded to love. But love is not submitting ourselves to various kinds of abuse because "that's my family". No. We can live them from a safe distance, we can be kind, we can set STRONG and FIRM, SOLID boundaries and still be loving and kind. Allowing biological family to repeatedly harm us, and keep us from victory in life through Christ, not only is unkind to ourselves, but it tarnishes the name of Christ because it makes Him look powerless in that area of our life. Distance does not equal hate or unloving or unforgiving. It is sometimes what is needed to demonstrate health, healing and true love for those unloving or unkind family members.

family trip

2023-07-17T21:59:00.001-07:00

They wanted a road trip with Mom. So I granted their wish. There was a lot of anxiety involved. I wasn't sure how I would handle doing all they wanted me to do. But I did it, with more grace than I have. God worked amazing miracles. He is so good.

It was an amazing week. Filled with favorite places, foods, activities and people. But better than that was the attitudes of my teenagers. They got along with each other, I noticed zero bad attitudes, they weren't greedy or opportunistic. We just had a great time and enjoyed everything.

Thursday on the way to GP, we stopped and saw Crater Lake ❤️, one of my most favorite places. Then we saw some dear to our heart friends. We got in to the Airbnb early enough to make a frozen pizza, and cookies and brownies for the week. Thomas invited a friend over for a couple hours, and Barbara and I shared some crab 😋. To my shock and awe, the cookies and brownies lasted the week with some leftover. Amazing!! Barbara got hé first taste of Anne of Green Gables...

Friday we got up early, went to see their dad. He was friendly and in a good mood. They visited for a few minutes, then decided to have him play the piano for a while. Other residents seemed to enjoy his piano music as much as we did. From there we went "home" and had tomato sandwich, with tomato from the garden in the front yard. Then we left again to visit my Patricia ☺️. After a couple hours with her we went home again and then over to our former neighbors' for BBQ and a game of corn hole. Then home again for sleep and more AGG. Barbara brought her blanket to the living room, because she didn't want to miss any of the movie.

Saturday we visited our Dear Diane in the morning, stopped by the music store where the kids used to get piano lessons, the Soda Fountain, lunch at TapRock, then attempted a visit to our Sweet Shirley Killian, but she was asleep. Then across the way to our wonderful Virginia. Always encouraging and full of love and laughter. Then dinner at Wild River pizza, SO good!

On Sunday I dropped the kids off at church, and went back to visit Patricia again (one visit never seems to be enough). Then I picked up the kids, and Mexican was the order for lunch! And after lunch an amazing time on the river with Hellgate Jet Boat Excursions ❤️❤️❤️.

And Monday it ended with dropping the kids off at church so they can spend the week helping with VBS. I collected a few hugs. And started for home.

It was the most vacation--like vacation I think I have ever had. It was relaxed. We did a lot, but we were never rushed. Dutch Bros everyday! 😋😋😋

Not a trip I want to hurry and do again, but it was a lot of fun and we made some great memories.

So thankful for the way God orchestrated things, encounters and avoidances of people we wanted and didn't want to see. He is SO good.

I'm thankful for teens who are not only are a pleasure to be with, but also want to hang out with Mom! How often does that happen.

I am blessed!

blessing

2023-06-17T07:03:00.046-07:00

I sometimes think I am so easily overwhelmed. By good things. I still feel so unworthy of the generosity of others. I mean really who is worthy? Of anything good? But a sincere thank you and a smile always seems like it is not enough when it comes from me. But God has given His approval for a splurge i was allowing myself to afford even though I was not sure I should really be affording it. Then randomly, unexpectedly I was gofted the EXACT amount rthat i needed to pay for such extravagance... He is so good to me.

seeing more...

2023-05-29T23:29:00.001-07:00

Life is hard.

Change is necessary. And painful.

I am so thankful for those in my life who are willing to show me what I need to see, even when they might be nervous about pointing out my shortcomings. Those are REAL friends. The ones that see what you need to change in order to be a better person, not for their preference, but for your good (and God's glory!).

Most who know me know I am a giver. A giver of myself, my time and energy (I have no money or I'd probably give that, too!!). Those who know me well may think (rightly so) that I give myself away to a fault. Reserving little or no time for myself. If someone needs assistance (or not), or a menial task needs to be done, if I see it, I will jump to do it. As a guest I rarely just let the hostess do everything (unless I have been TOLD!). In fact, sitting and seeing something that needs to be done is one of the hardest things for me to do.

Yesterday I saw a video clip that explained this as a learned response to the adults in my childhood (I think my grandmother in particular). Meeting their expectations for approval and love meant seeing what needed to be done and doing it in a manner that made the adults around me happy. Them happy made me happy. As I watched this clip, I was like "that makes sense!" The challenge then was to learn that my happiness, my identity needs to be not rooted in the making everyone else happy and meeting 100% of everyone else's needs to the neglect of myself.

"Who considers me? I'm not important!" That has been the voice in my head for as long as I can remember.

Today I was TOLD.

"I know you like to help when we need it, but sometimes you're helping us because YOU need it."

Well, yeah. I just had that epiphany yesterday. If you saw it before, why didn't you say something?? All you've said is,"I don't want to hurt your feelings." (I didn't say that, but I thought it 😏)

As we talked I realized some of the struggle I have had over the last few months has been this issue mixed with their realization of the issue and their desire for me to see it without them having to spell it out for me.

If you see an issue in someone's life, say something. If you just try to alter the relationship with them, to attempt to modify their behavior without explanation, it creates confusion, hurt feelings and can cause them to fight harder to keep what you see they need to lose. Yes, not everyone receives constructive criticism well, but if it is given with love and comes from one the person knows has their best interest at heart, even if they don't take it well intially, they may see that you are right and decide to make necessary changes.

And if they are me, I will thank you (eventually) and ask for help in seeing what needs to be done.

I want to be healthy.

I am (and want to be) a servant at heart. But I can't serve others if I keep myself drained. I've been running on empty for a long time.

Being only a taker is easy to see and lots of people can identify that issue for a person rather easily. But being an excessive giver isn't as easy to identify as a problem. People like to receive 🙂. Giving/helping us a good thing! But too much of a good thing can be bad...

There is a balance. That's my goal. Finding that balance.

I was trained to not think of me at all. To always do for everyone else. To expect nothing from anyone, ever.

Though I am not the doormat I was seven or eight years ago, I am still over eager to do whatever you need whenever you might need it.

I told the Mom today,"It's hard for me to set and stick to boundaries. To set limits and be able to say 'No'. I have been conditioned to believe that is being mean or hard", though it's ok for anyone to tell me no, or for them to be too busy when I need/want something.

She said I need to take time for me. Time to sit and enjoy my desert, read a book, have a cup of tea, or what ever... I honestly don't know how. I mean I can for a few minutes every few months. But it is hard unless I leave home and visit that one person who doesn't want me to do much when I am at her house 😊.

Pray for me as I continue to learn what a healthy version of me is and should look like. I know I am closer to becoming her than ever before, but it's hard work!! I realized I was one of the neediest people I know probably ten or fifteen years ago, but I was yesterday years old when I realized that I also need to be needed. It's nice to be useful and helpful, but truly none of us is NEEDED, we can all be easily replaced. Being a blessing is a blessing, but it shouldn't be a coping mechanism for survival. And being needed shouldn't be a way of life, a source of peace and comfort. That should be Jesus -- He is what we all need.

The Woman in My Mirror

2022-11-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

Though this is a copy of an email to the Mom, written a few months ago. The gratitude extends not only to her, but to others (many who read my blog), who have been a source of stability, encouragement and love in my life for decades.

You may not realize how big of an impact you have made in my life, because often I am lousy at receiving love. But those of you who have "always been there" the ones that I can easily take for granted, the words that were directed to Mom, fit you as well.

Without your unconditional love. Without your encouragement. Without your prayers. Without your esteeming me higher than I do myself. I could not have come this far:

"I catch a glimpse as I'm washing my hands, and I do a double take. Who is that? Me? I wish. She is pretty, happy, confident, healthy, loved, capable, comfortable in her own skin/with who she is... then I realize, it is me! How is that possible? The easy answer is God did it. How? I don't know. One day at a time. I am stunned every time I see her. When I look in a mirror, I expect to see that shame-filled, helpless, foolish obnoxious, annoying girl, who can do nothing right, and who's ideas are always dismissed or ignored. That's who I was trained to believe I was, and I believed it completely for 40 years (and still do for the most part), but when I look in the mirror I have started seeing this other person. She's beautiful to me, someone I want to be like. I want to have that confidence. I want to be that comfortable with myself. I want to be that happy. I want to know that l'm loved, like she knows it. I want to be that sure I can do what needs to be done...

When I realize that is me I just smile and praise the Lord for the healing and growth He has given and I am thankful that I can see it. I thank you also, for not giving up on me. I know I am a mess, I ebb and flow with my emotions. I am so weak and get so tired, but your belief in me and who I might one day be is, more often than you may realize, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from continuing to believe the lies of my lifetime. I struggle with them, because of how deeply their roots run, but you have been the lone voice encouraging me to challenge the image I was always encouraged to own. And I have challenged it. And though I know I am FAR from victory, I would be willing to say that I am making progress.

I do admit: l am almost pretty, I am sometimes comfortable in my skin, I am happy with the life I have, and am amazed with how far I have come and all the Lord has allowed me to accomplish. He has been SO good to me, and I know I am completely unworthy.Thanks for being a tool in God's hands, in my life. I wouldn't be who I am without you and your longsuffering. You're the best Mom I have, and I am blessed and amazed that God saw fit to bring our lives together.

I love you."

Thank you, dear readers, for always being so gracious towards me. For seeing in me what I do not see. For loving whatever is loveable within me. For allowing me to see Christ in you, so that I may follow you as you follow Him, and hopefully reflect Him in my life as you do in yours.

seeing His sovereignty

2022-11-27T22:47:00.001-08:00

November felt like a year all by itself. And the last 10 days, like 6 months. The month was too busy to begin with. Crammed with work, doctor and dentist appointments for all 5 of us. Mom's surgery taking a full week by itself just because of the distance from home and pre-op and other preparations.

But God is so good! He knew what was coming and He knew the perfect circumstances for His plans for what was about to happen.

Mom's surgery was supposed to be the end of September, but she got a cold. The medical staff decided it would be best if the surgery was postponed until November. We were all a little unhappy about that because we were all set for it to happen in September. But whatever. We've learned to roll with unexpected changes...

The kids were able to go to Oregon for a teen conference with their dad's church, and I suggested the kids stay through Sunday and come home Monday, giving them opportunity to visit with their dad, an extra unplanned visit--good for all of them.

The Plan:

Kids come home Monday.

Mom's pre-op on Tuesday.

Kids move in with grandpa on Wednesday, and Mom goes with me to my doctor appointment, then we set off for Loma Linda.

Mom's surgery on Thursday.

Mom and I return on Friday.

Life returns to "normal" as she heals from her simple laproscopic surgery at home over the next few days/weeks.

What really happened:

Monday, the kids' flight was delayed, and we got home at 9pm. And Barbara was sick.

Tuesday, at the pre-op appointment we catch wind that she might be expected to stay more than one night.

Wednesday, Barbara was too sick to stay with grandpa, so she stayed home alone. And only Thomas went to stay with grandpa. Otherwise, the day went as planned 🙂.

Thursday, the doctor had an emergency surgery, so Mom's got pushed later in the day, her blood pressure went way high (220/105), and they had to get it down before they could do anything. But they finally were able to do it early afternoon. And we waited all evening for them to get her up and walking. Finally about 7pm, I asked if I could walk her, and they said "absolutely!". Three times down the hall before I left at 8:30.

Friday, she was way too painful to even consider going home. But we walked the halls as much as she could, and by evening we were confident we could take her home, if they'd let her. Her blood pressure was good. But the food was nasty and she wouldn't eat it.

Saturday, the doctor said,"Drink this 16oz water in under 2 hours and EAT, and you can go home." She drank her water, and ate most of her breakfast. We called Thomas to get the turkey out of the freezer. And shortly after I got a text saying he wasn't supposed to tell us, but grandpa fell. About an hour later I get another text saying grandpa thought it might be a good idea to get x-rays to make sure nothing was broken. Mom had had time to think and pray and decide what she thought was the best thing to do. So she had me instruct Thomas to call our Pastor and have him take Dad to the hospital associated with their doctors. Farthest of the 3 closest hospitals to their home, and certainly not where the ambulance would take him if 911 had been called.

Pastor said he was done with his preparation for Sunday, and he stayed with Dad at the hospital until almost 9pm.

Once Mom heard of Dad's fall her blood pressure went sky high. We explained to the doctor and nurses why her BP spiked, and they worked hard to get it down. As soon as it hit an acceptable level, they sent us home! I got her home about 9pm.

Then I had to go to my house, break the news to Barbara and returned to Mom's by 10pm.

Sunday the kids got a ride to church from Pastor, and I went to the hospital to visit with Dad before his surgery. The hospital dropped the ball with communication with me, but the surgery went well.

Monday he breezed through the therapy at the hospital and they moved him to an acute rehabilitation hospital (without family knowledge or concent). We were shocked and I got to the new facility literally 5 minutes before visiting hours officially ended, thankfully they let me stay after hours.

It was a crazy week, and the week following has been full and busy with keeping up with everyone and everything. But there have been moments; time to pause and reflect on how things could have been different.

If Mom's surgery had been in September as originally planned, she would have been fixing breakfast when Dad fell, and she would have seen it. She would have had a completely different, panic induced reaction and Dad would have ended up in different hospitals with a completely different, not as good treatment outcome.

If Barbara had been at the house with Thomas and Dad. The kids would have ended up bickering about what was right to do. She admits that she would've encouraged Thomas to keep grandpa's request to wait until we got home. Or she would have pushed to call 911. Either or both would have lead to different out comes, not as good as what we have had.

It's not the way we want things to be, but we're able to see His hand and we KNOW His way is not only best, but perfect. And as we look at these details it gives us the confidence to rest in Him and trust that the right and best outcome will happen for our good and His glory.

Please continue to pray for us all. He is not out of the woods. Statistics are not in Dad's favor for at least the next 6 months, but slow and steady improvement seems to be the way he is going.

But prayer is the most important thing for us all right now. Healing for both Mom and Dad. Strength and stamina for me. Grace and understanding for the kids as they are forced to help bear my load... my kids are amazing young people.

struggles with the dark

2022-11-23T22:06:00.001-08:00

Those who read my blog seem to mostly be my Facebook friends. So you know the craziness my life has been the last couple of weeks. I don't mind the busy, the unexpected and the "inconvenience" of caregiving for My People. It's an honor and my joy comes from seeing them improve and the grace and strength God gives is most humbling and amazing to me. I know without doubt I could not do half of what I do if I wasn't strengthened by God to do what He obviously has for me to do.

But sometimes I get tired.

That may be an understatement 🙂

The problem with tired, is I spend a lot of time alone in my car tending to the things that must get done. And I have an enemy who enjoys trampling my spirit. Though I know much of what plays through my mind when I am so tired is half-truth, exaggerated or taken out of context, the fact that there are bits of truth (no matter how small) makes it so hard for my tired brain to resist or ignore. When I'm not tired, these thoughts don't get any consideration.

Sunday, as was driving the last 38 miles of the 160 I drove that day (that's not counting another over 300 for this week), the enemy tried attacking again. A little different angle maybe than other times, but still effective in bringing me down for a bit.

The thought "You know what I hate most about myself?" And the answer, "My inability to feel and accept love" kept running through my mind.

I was so betrayed by those who should have loved me, that I have missed most of life realizing those who truly do. I act like I believe people when they say they love me and I reciprocate the sentiment. But often I deflect or minimize what I have been told.

That's not fair to those who claim to care. But it's also harmful to myself because I continue to believe that I am really alone and nobody really cares.

I know that's not true. I have many wonderful people in my life who I know aren't lying about how much I matter to them. But I have a block that keeps me from really trusting that it's possible.

But this reality isn't what got to me that night. What struck me is how much love and acceptance I have missed out on, even from those I KNOW love me, because it takes SO long for me to trust and genuinely receive that love. How much more could I be if I weren't so stupid and scared of letting others love me and be willing to love them back.

The freedom to just be and realize that me being me can be loveable is the coolest thing ever. But I don't let myself have that freedom with very many people.

Thinking about what has been lost with people I've known "forever", it hurt my heart because I've been a vacuum of emotional neediness for so long and I only catch glimpses of that from time to time. The realization of how much I have taken and not reciprocated is what hit me last night. And that is what I hate most about myself. How selfish of me to not give back or pay forward the love of so many of you. It has cost me more than I will ever know.

2022-08-27T21:38:00.001-07:00

I am reading this book for the second time right now, and will most likely start it for the third time as soon as I finish it, and then I might read it again!!

I have had this book in my possession for at least 10 years, actually I somehow ended up with two copies of it, which I never read until about a year ago. I was so fascinated with the first reading that I loaned the other copy to the Mom. She has claimed it and assured me I will not get it back. 🤣😂🤣

It is a fascinating and different perspective on the person of Jesus Christ. Of his humanness. Though it is a little difficult to get in to at first, it gives an amazing new dimension to the idea of "Relationship vs. Religion". We both just love the book, and the depth of personality and perspective the book gives on who Jesus was and is and how we can relate to him, without the need for rules and propriety, but just as we are.

Yesterday, as we were diving down the freeway heading for home, after a doctor's appointment more than an hour away, we were discussing this book. The part I am reading now suggests telling Jesus "I love you", verbalize it (I usually whisper, but... yeah). I was telling her how on my trip to the airport (LAX) to get the kids, I was reminded of this idea. So driving in LA morning rush hour going 20 in a 60 zone because of traffic, I told Jesus "I love You" repeatedly (40 minutes to go 18 miles! There is a reason to NOT live in LA!). Then I got to LAX, and had to find my way to to the parking structure near my kids' airline ("I love You, Jesus... Oh, and I didn't even think to pray about parking. A spot that will be easy to find later would be wonderful! This place is crazy, but I love You!"). I get to the parking garage, and somehow find myself on the top level, with a spot six feet from the elevator, directly across the street from where I need to go to check in to go get my kids!! ("I love you, Jesus! Thank you!!)

He is SO good to me!!

Anyway, I told the Mom this story, then we talked more about how the author of this book encourages the looking for the little things: sunsets, sunrises, the rain, birds, flowers, the laughter of our friends and family, the things we take for granted, or the things we might miss if we aren't looking on purpose... then the coolest thing!! As we are nearing an underpass, we look up and there hanging from the bridge railing is two hearts side by side touching at the top of each heart to make one piece, and in the middle, one word: Jesus.

We were both amazed! And we both said "I love You, Jesus! Thank You!"

Then to each other:

"How cool is that!"

"Right! Only He would know we would be talking about loving Him as we drove under that!"

"Amazing!"

We might not have even noticed that on another day. It certainly wouldn't have spoken to us like it did. That is such a small thing, but what a little detail for just us, on a stressful day. A little reminder that He loves us and not only sees us, but knows when and where we will be passing by, so He can leave us a note!! Wow!

He loves us, we are His. He wants our time, our attention, but He also wants to give us His company; He wants us to know He is with us always, He cares about our details...

When we pay attention, there is no doubt that He is, and He is present, He is interested, He loves us like nobody else can or will.

Life can be so heavy, so hard... but God. He knows, He cares so much that He sent His only Son Jesus to live perfect and die and rise again, to pay our sin-debt, not only so we can be forgiven and go to Heaven, but also so we don't have to endure this life alone.

My prayer for you is if you don't already know Jesus as your personal Savior, and friend, that you will repent and submit your life to Him.

If you view Him as your Savior, but too holy, or too good, or too wonderful to be your friend. I pray you will get to know Him better. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

Friends. A friend that sticks closer than a brother!

He is the BEST friend you will ever have!

I love you, Jesus!!

Baptized today!

2022-08-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Many people were surprised to hear I got baptized today!

And my church family was filled with joy and pleased as they witnessed the event.

I am sure there were some who had thoughts like:

"What? She's a Sunday School teacher!"

"What?? She was a preacher's wife!"

"She lead an adult women's Sunday school class in Oregon?!!?"

"She knows more Bible than I do!"

"She's been in church forever!"

"I heard her testimony! She always said she was saved and baptized at the age of 12! Why is she doing it again?"

And probably some other questions I can't imagine (maybe even a few "Ha! I knew it!!--though those would be wrong...)

Most of you who read my blog posts, have heard my testimony and know I have always claimed saved at 12, left church completely about 6 months later and started back about 4 and a half years later. But there is more to the story.

As a Baptist I have been taught "once saved always saved", though I believe that is true, I have lived a life of confusion and some uncertainty because I didn’t improve after my "salvation" at 12. Instead, I quit church, tried alcohol, tested Kmarts ability to catch a theif (they were no good at it), mastered lying, and picked up a whole vile vocabulary that I never let my mother or her friends hear me use. I decided to enjoy music that did anything but honor or glorify God... the list could go on.

It wasn't until we moved to YV and I started attending CBC, and God convinced me that I needed to be right with Him, that I needed to surrender my life to His desires, that I turned my life on to the path it is and has been on for close to 30 years.

If it has been so long, why get Baptized now?

Because I was never baptized after I surrendered my life to Christ. And that is a necessary act of obedience.

I have argued with myself about the need to be baptized for a very long time. But I have no doubt about my salvation, it was a question of when it truly happened. Every time I have questioned it in the past, I shrugged it off pointing to the misery I felt during those rebellious years (though I understand some of you may laugh at my level of rebellion, understand the heart is the same even if opportunity wasn't) as conviction because I knew better. That argument made sense and gave me what I needed to assure my self (and be assured by others) that I was fine. Until last January.

In January two different pastors preached in back to back services about a person getting "saved", "falling away", and "recommitting" their lives to Christ. The way these two men spoke, they suggested that that person may not have been saved until the time they thought was recommitment, because that was when their life began to reflect Christ and His desires. As I was listening to the second of these two sermons, I thought,"If what they are saying is true, then I need to be baptized." I said it with a scoff and chuckle to myself because I really didn’t want to believe that!

Over the following months, I thought about it and dismissed it, but the thought kept coming back. So I visited my pastor. A very gracious man (and if you know how we started, you may be shocked by that description, but it is true!), he heard me out, gave me some scripture to consider, he texted me some sermons to listen to, gave me a couple booklets to read and encouraged me to continue to pray and seek the Lord on the issue. He didn't press me to believe one way or the other, I respect that. Some pastors would try to convince one that they were maybe still unsaved, or assert that the person definitely needs to be baptized, because they want the credit for something. But my pastor wanted me to simply be sure I am right with the Lord. That is a blessing.

So after more prayer, and considering all the information he gave me, I came to the conclusion that my "recommitment" was no such thing, but actually my moment of salvation. When I look back over my life, I can clearly see a directional change, a change in desire and motivation. Perfection? No! But a beginning of growth, a birth of desire to know God and to do and be whoever He may have for me to be.

I have often said that when I returned to God He never let me go again. But He doesn't let us go when we are truly His. We are secure in His hand and no one can pluck us from His hand... scripture says so!

Once I allowed myself to honestly look back and see what the Lord has shown me several times over the years, I came to the conclusion that I needed to be baptized.

Sometimes we need to really listen to each other. We can be so quick to jump to conclusions. Assuming one is saved because we saw them walk an aisle, that they are unsaved because their standards aren't as high as ours. Or if they have questions or concerns we can be fast to dismiss those thoughts as attacks from Satan. What if those thoughts are prompting from God? We see actions, but only God knows the heart.

I so appreciate that my pastor just listened. He let me talk and tell my story. As I heard myself share, the picture of that part of my past became more clear than ever before. He wasn't trying to solve or fix my problem, he was coming along side to encourage me as I allowed the Lord to show me the truth. And that is what we are supposed to do for our brothers and sisters in Christ. It is not our job to solve their problems or fix their troubles, we are to love them and be channels for God to flow through so He can provide exactly what is needed at the perfect moment in time.

God's Amazing Grace

2022-07-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

I actually thought about writing this yesterday, but never got to it.

Sixteen years ago yesterday was one of the hardest days ever of my life, and certainly the hardest to that point in my life. I was home alone, most of the people I would have turned to were gone to camp with Brad, I was pregnant... It was a beautiful summer Sunday morning in Oregon. I was up and getting ready for church.

Then, the telephone rang. I answered it and it was "Aunt" Louise. She asked for Brad (sort of unusual). I told her he was gone for the week to camp, wouldn't be back until Saturday. She didn't know what else to do, so she blurted out the news. Her mother passed away that morning! It took my breath away! She was doing better! She was supposed to coming home soon! I didn't get to tell her goodbye before she left on vacation! This could not be real! Not right! (But I couldn't say any of that on the phone to Louise, or out loud to anyone!!)

And I had nobody to turn to for comfort or understanding.

But God...

I didn't know what else to do, it would have raised questions if stayed home from church, so I went, but I REALLY didn't want to go! On the way, I told the Lord, " I am going because I am supposed to, but I really don't want to be there. I would really appreciate it if You would cancel church for today."

He did.

I got there and the two unofficial maintenance guys, were scrambling around trying to figure out how to fix something, I wasn't sure what. And a few minutes later, Pastor arrived, the men talked and Pastor told me, "Church is canceled, we have no water. But we can't call everyone, because they are probably all on the way already."

I volunteered to stay and let people know, and share the news about my dear Grandma Lady. It was perfect. The Lord canceled church for me, and I got a few hugs, and I was able to share the news enough to face the reality a little. So many didn't realize what a great loss I was dealing with, and in a way, on that day, it was the best. They didn't know, so I had no "permission" (from myself) to fall apart.

The week alone with that news, was also difficult, but you know God knows best. I was able to tell myself all those cliche words of comfort that one always hears with the loss of a loved one. The things people say, and mean, but maybe fall so short because they really don't give much comfort. Coming from someone else I believe would have fed resentment because I didn’t get to finish with her the way I wanted. Hearing those consolations from myself, even if I wanted to dismiss them, I had to admit to myself and God that they were true: His timing is perfect. His ways are right. He knows best. He loves her (and me) most. She is in a better place. She is no longer suffering or sick. Nobody had to worry about her anymore....

I was home alone. So I was free to break down in tears any time I felt the urge. I could scream. I could be quiet. I could call a friend who did understand my loss. I could be ok, like nothing was wrong one moment and a basket case the next. It was a blessing. By the time Brad returned from camp, he didn't have to console me, I had already hashed it out with God. And though I wasn't sure how life would be okay without her, I had agreed with God that I could and would be okay with His decision to take her 14 weeks before she had the chance to meet my first born child (probably the biggest dream I had had, and was truly excited to have happen).

I was not ready to say goodbye. Truth is, I would never have been ready for that. I still think of her every day. And try to believe how amazed she might be of who I am today. How pleased she would be with who my children are.

But when I look back on that darkest of days, I remember God heard my prayer and did the "impossible" for me that day. Church doesn't just get canceled randomly, but that day He allowed broken water pipes, so that I could have a day to process without having to face everyone at the same time, or hear it announced from the pulpit and have a crowd of people surround me all at once. By Wednesday, the pipes were fixed, her passing was "old news" and it was easier to deal with questions.

He knows His children. He knows what we need. He is perfect. He loves us. And sometimes He gives us personal miracles that look like difficulties from the perspective of others. Those guys that had to fix the water pipes, were not happy about the problem. But their problem was my blessing.

I need to remember, maybe when my life has hit an obstacle, maybe there is a blessing or answer to prayer for someone else that has created my difficulty.

God is good.

Quiet Time

2022-06-28T15:37:00.001-07:00

Summer.

I love it!

It is warm! The sun is out longer than the stars are, but the starry skies are so beautiful. And night is warm enough to sit outside and enjoy the stars...

It's quiet. The kids are in Oregon. I spend much time with the Parents, or home alone. There is suddenly time to think, to remember, too see for myself where I have been and where I am now...

Then the thanksgiving follows. There is so much to praise the Lord for. He's given me a family that loves me unconditionally. I've been adopted into two of the most amazing families ever known to exist. Families who live Christ like examples, blessing those who will never be able to repay...

He has given me good health, and has provided everything I have needed. Though life seems to always have one challenge or another, it seems easier to trust Him with each passing day. I don't know what tomorrow has in store, but He does and He can handle it... I just hope I can listen and do exactly what He wants me to 😊

I am so blessed. So thankful.

To be still and quiet is sometimes very hard for me, I can always think of things I need to get done, so I am thankful for time to hang out with the Parents and just be quiet for a while.

Thanksgiving 2021

2021-11-24T22:55:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving seems like the perfect time to take a few moments and reflect on all my blessings. I believe I am more blessed today than ever. My life just seems to be one blessing after another. Little things happen everyday that make God real in my life, and I cannot deny His goodness to me.

I am amazed at His provision for me and my family over this last year. My job ended in May when the lady I was caregiving for fell and broke her hip, then decided to move into an assisted living facility. Though I have another job, I have not really started working yet, I have been so busy helping the Parents with their needs and caring for my children, that there hasn't been time for anything else, and God has been SO good, and has multiplied my finances in a miraculous way, that has made it possible to cover every expense without depleting my savings!

God's love for me has been demonstrated throughout this year through the fiends and family He has given me in His Son Jesus Christ. I have made some very dear and special friendships this year, friendships that I hope and expect will last the rest of my life. I cherish the life long friendships that have continued to grow and be strengthened over this year, and I mourn the loss of those who are either no longer a part of my life, or have passed away. Many of you who read these posts know my friends are my family and are so very important to me. People who think I matter, matter to me more than they could ever know!!

I can honestly say I am content with my life. I have what I need, and maybe even all I want 😊. I can for the first time in my life admit I am comfortable in my skin, and I even catch myself smiling like I like that person I see in the mirror. She is still not all I would like her to be, but I like her ok, I think I could even be her friend 😊. Those of you who know me, and have known me for very long at all, know that is a pretty huge thing!

His grace is truly amazing! The more I realize I need Him for every breath, every step, every everything, the more faithful and real He becomes. I know I can trust Him and I know He knows my life: what has happened, what is happening, and what comes next. I don't know what my future looks like, but I know as long as I continue to rest in Him, I don't need to worry about it, He will bring His will to pass, and it will be perfect.

Thankful for my kids. Thankful for my adopted family in the Lord. Thankful for those I can call my friends. Thankful for my many material blessings. Thankful for my church and church family. Thankful for my ministry opportunities... Thankful for all things good and bad, for He has used the bad to bless me as well!

God is SO good! I am so unworthy! I am so blessed!

Thankful indeed.

The next battle begins

2021-08-09T22:29:00.002-07:00

I need prayer.

Today had a rough start, that was also amazingly tender.

It started yesterday...

I was at the Parents' (as I am every Sunday afternoon), we met in the living room, by the fireplace, after our naps (as we do every Sunday afternoon) to visit for a few minutes before getting ready to go back for evening service (as we do every Sunday afternoon 🙂). I was thumbing through a magazine, as she was finishing a section of her Epoch Times, she looked at me and pointed to an article, said it was really good and that I should read it. Being the obedient child that I am, I picked up the paper and read the article. It was information that was old news to me: childhood trauma such as abuse and bullying have been linked to chronic pain, illness and autoimmune disease. I've long believed the abuse I endured during my teen years played a big part in my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, migraines, etc.

But the article ended with the idea that a key to recovery is finding a way to conquer those thoughts that keep those like me down. It suggested "mirror talk". A routine (they suggested 30 days) of saying nice things to yourself every morning in the mirror. I smiled at the idea and set the paper down. And said something like "I've heard that before, I agree the abuse contributed to my current misery, but the bullying is a new idea--I've not heard of it being credited for any thing before."

She looked up from her paper, over her reading glasses and in her Mom voice said, "You should try it. It might help."

I know I gave her look of "you can't be serious", because she said, "I mean it!"

I promised to think about it, and we went to church.

When we got home, there was nothing more said (she does the mom thing well!).

At 4:30, when she woke to check her BP, I was awakened, I guess by a dream, and visited with her for a few minutes, we praised the Lord that though her BP was a little high, it wasn't scary high and went back to bed. At 5, I decided to get up, sometimes it's pointless to even try to sleep, and I was thinking about that "mirror talk", I wanted to remember exactly what they suggested saying. So, I went to the living room and found the paper. I took pen and paper with me, so I could write the exact words. "I love you (___insert your name__). And you are enough."

I couldn't write my name. I burst into tears. I collapsed into prayer.

I recognized a problem.

I was able to pull myself together for my devotional time, and regular prayer. But broken is how my day started.

I was sitting on the couch considering my reality. I had spoken truth yesterday afternoon when I said, "I almost like the person I see in the mirror." But honestly, I couldn't even write that I like (my name), nevermind love her, and that broke my heart. The truth can be painful. As I was sitting there, the Mom came down the hall, ready to start the day. She asked, "Are you just sitting there?"

"Sort of", I said

"Sort of? What does that mean?"

I explained my difficulty of the morning, and of course started to cry...

She felt horrible, she said "Forget it! I didn't mean to make you worse! I wanted to help."

I assured her it wasn't her fault, that I want to be healthy. I just thought I had come farther than I had. I confessed that I couldn't write my name because as I wrote those words "THAT'S A LIE!" came screaming into my mind.

She said, "THAT'S a lie!"

"I know."

She said a prayer telling Satan to leave me alone, in Jesus Name. Gave me a hug and went to the kitchen.

As I sat there on the couch I cried. Like I haven't cried in years. It was horrible (I hate crying). At first, she told me to stop, and tried to lighten the moment, but that didn't work (like it usually does). Next thing I knew, she stopped what she was doing, came and sat with me and in the most motherly way wrapped both arms around me, and cried with me, for I don't know how long.

I told her later, I don't ever remember being comforted like that ever before. Ever.

As we regained composure she suggested saying "Jesus loves you, and that's enough" I smiled and assured her I already knew that.

She said, "You know it, but you don't KNOW it." (Ouch!)

I do know it. I've heard it all my life.

She assured me that lots of people love me, but she knows I don't believe it, my brain prevents me from receiving it. I just can't quite understand how I could possibly be loveable.

She said some of the sweetest words anyone has ever used to describe me... but she is the Mom... (don't tell her I said that, she'll hit me!) She told me I was one of the most wonderful, caring, sweet people she knew. She told me she wished she had raised me with her two brats (her word not mine!! I think she was trying to make me smile).

Though I know she doesn't just say things to be nice, I still found myself not believing her words... which hurt more. "I want to be healthy. I want to have the right perspective."

I don't know how we pulled ourselves together, but we managed to be without evidence of all those tears when Dad came to breakfast.

I had a meeting for school, then they left for a dr. appointment.

After they left I had an idea! (OK. it was God) search for Bible verses that will counter the lies, and argue the truth of what God thinks of us, mankind, created in His image. It took seconds. I found a list of 100 references to verses and passages that talk about the worth of each human life to God.

My goal is to add consideration of each of these for at least a week each until God wins this victory for me.

I don't want to be full of self, but I do want a healthy perspective of God's true opinion of me.

Perhaps then I will be able to not only love others, but allow myself to be loved by others...

Pray for me. This is going to be the battle of a lifetime, these roots run (at least) 40 years deep, and I need them dug out... I want them out. I need them out.

the Mom

2021-02-03T21:54:00.001-08:00

This is one of my most favorite pictures. You can't see her eyes in this picture as well as you can if you are holding the photo in your hands, but they're the important part. The first time I really looked at this picture, it made me cry. I'd had it on my dresser for more than 16 years, and I looked at it all the time, but I didn't really see it. Until my world was falling apart, then I suddenly saw the love in those eyes.

She's been a dear friend and mentor for nearly 30 years, but two major events happened before that day in 2015, that mixed with the events of 2015, and lead me to see how much she loved me in 1999...

In 2005, my grandmother and I ended up at her house. This friend who had given me her house key 5 years before and never asked for it back welcomed us at a moments notice, for a week! I got to the house and started to relax. The problem with that was at that time I was prone to migraine headaches, one of my biggest triggers was stress. Relaxing from stress always brought a headache. Traveling with my grandmother was the most stressful adventure I'd ever had. That migraine took me to the floor and left me there for 6 weeks. My grandmother believed my headaches were strictly faked or exaggerated for attention, so demanding attention from me and yelling in my face, was what I received from her, understanding was not an option.

This lady I now call Mom, was already one of my very best friends, but I saw another side of her that visit. A softness, a type of caring I had never before experienced from her or anyone. She caught me crawling down the hall at 5:30 in the morning. I needed migraine medicine, and it was in the kitchen. She whisper-yelled at me when she caught me. But why would I wake her to get my meds? Why would I bother anyone? I wasn’t worthy of anyone losing sleep over my not feeling well (and I'm still not!), and I couldn't stand the pain of speaking to ask anyway. The next morning, after she and her husband were up, she came and said I could have their bed (and the door would lock!). After grandmother got herself kicked out of the house, Mom-lady stayed in mom mode until Brad came for me (after she called him 3 times and told him "if you want her, come get her!"--she now says that should have kept me then).

I remember thinking then, "Wow! She's acting like a mom!" I'd never experienced that kind of care before.

Then in 2012 I was sick! Three months of fever starting with bronchitis, followed by pneumonia, then the flu! By the time that was over it took weeks to get back to life. The only person that called me was the Mom, she called me daily... she never called/calls me, I always call her, and always have. But she was concerned, and I could hear it in her voice. She and me were the only two that thought I might die, nobody else seemed to care.

That day in 2015 when I saw the look on her face in this picture, those memories came back, and I was overwhelmed with my blindness. When one hasn't been loved, they can't see when they are loved. Like I said, my world was falling apart. I had discovered that the one I'd trusted to love me for the rest of my life, didn't, and with his own words, he admitted he didn't even know why he had married me. But looking at this picture, I couldn't deny that she loved me and probably did for years before this picture was taken (She did travel almost 1000 miles to be my Matron of Honor--and be in this picture), but I didn't see, I hadn't really received it. I felt humbled, and like a jerk.

Today this picture is still on my dresser. Sometimes, I think I should put away (or throw it away), it could be considered a reminder of what was but is no more. But I can't unsee the mother's love in her eyes, love I have since experienced as an unconditional one, and I can't get rid of the photo because it reminds me of how blessed I am to have that lady in my world. God has seen fit to bring me home and build a mother-daughter relationship with her that is closer than some biological families.

What is really amazing is I have seen her look at me like that in real life. I could almost believe that she not only loves me, but she might even be proud of me, too.

inner struggles

2021-01-28T08:49:00.001-08:00

When you're pretty sure the whole world just tolerates you, and one of the people you see most often says ,"We always love that you come back. You're pretty good company."

That's the Facebook status I was going to put up a couple days ago. But I couldn't.

It's true, that happened, but I can't quite process it.

I hear things all the time, from honest, sincere people who I believe love me and mean what they say, but I am damaged. And even though I have come so very far, sometimes I fear that damage may be permanent.

I honestly don't remember compliments from anyone as a child. I remember being the only child in many situations, left to entertain myself while adults had their meetings or fellowship in the next room, often forgetting I was there. I remember being the last one chosen for teams at school. I remember my grandmother saying, "nobody really cares.", I remember talking with classmates in Jr.High, having a third person come along look at me and say to the other,"Are you talking to her??" And the reply would be,"what? No!" And they would walk off together.

I'm the one a person feels ok to cancel plans with because someone else wants to do something at the time we had plans. I'm the often told,"we had a great time, wish you were there, don't know why nobody thought to invite you."

And the list goes on...

All this not to get pity, but instead that one might gain some understanding. The damage done when we as young people believe our peers, family, and other influential adults, will haunt us for years, and I am starting to believe perhaps the rest of our lives.

These things that haunt me do at least two terrible things. First, they make it almost impossible for me to believe that I am likeable (forget loveable!!), or pretty, or anything positive. Second, and worse in my mind, because I cannot believe a compliment, it leaves me, in my mind, accusing those who have positive things to say, of being liars. I know they aren't lying, but to me either they are fooled, or just saying nice things.

I would love to be able to accept kind words, and believe that they are true. But I don't know how.

The person who is the most honest and straight forward with me said those words at the top of this page. And it still doesn't seem quite possible to me. I see her almost everyday, and if I don't visit in person, we're on the phone at least once, and sometimes multiple visits AND phone calls in the same day. If what she said wasn't true, she wouldn't endure so much of me as happily as she does.

But I don't understand.

I have an echo chamber, and it reminds me of what I have believed and had reinforced for 40 years...

5 years...

2020-09-21T23:30:00.001-07:00

The other day, I saw a meme that said "lets face it, none of us, in 2015, got the answer right to the question,'where do you see yourself in 5 year's." When I first saw it, I thought of the chaos of 2020 and smiled.

Today as I was driving I was thinking about life, and the fact that I cannot imagine what my life might be 5 years from now. My kids will be grown... Will my Parents still be alive? Will I still be caregiving? Will I still be in CA? I'll have my AS, but will I be working on my Masters degree?

Those could all be yesses, or they could all be nos. I really have no idea...

Then it hit me! June was 4 years ago we arrived in CA and stayed. Five years ago my life was crushed, crumbling around me. I was dying on the inside. There was the facade, that even I believed was real, falling away for all who could see, to see.

If anyone told me then what my life looks like now, I would have laughed them to scorn. The growth I have experienced in every area of life, is remarkable.

I am blessed. I am amazed. I am so thankful.

I have no idea what my life will be like in 5 years. I am happy to leave it in the Lord's hands. His will is perfect. His grace is sufficient. His timing is exact. "I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives."

SB

2020-09-21T23:02:00.001-07:00

I believe SB moved to GP close to the same time I did. I think her being a So.Cal transplant helped endear her to me. We spent many evenings having dinner with her and her husband and friends, playing dominoes, and in later years cards.

Seeing what Brad caused to be seen--my reactions to his behaviors that he only allowed to be seen by me--lead her to decide I was a spoiled brat. And I suppose, I was, I believed I was, I still won't argue with anyone who calls me a brat. Facts are facts. But there was more to what was seen, than what she saw. She didn't realize that until about 5 years ago. When my world shattered and only the true reward remained...

We did start to connect more deeply before chaos happened, perhaps that is why she was available to me in those darkest days.

When Brad finally agreed to allow me to go to the Ladies Bible study, SB was one of the ladies who was always there. She always participated in the discussion, and her answers and observations were often very similar to mine, if not exactly what I wrote, even though they were opinions or experiential anecdotes. Our Bible study was conducted in the Spring and Fall every year, but not in the Summer or during the holidays (Thanksgiving through New Years). As we talked about it, we discovered that we both missed the study when it wasn't happening, and we both appreciated the accountability of doing study with someone else. So we started to work on a study just us when the official study wasn't happening (I know we did more than one, but I don't know how many we did?). I know we did one my last winter in Oregon...

SB is a perceptive person. And very straightforward. I completely respect her for that. She has been bold enough on several occasions to ask me questions nobody else ever will... The best part of that is she learns things nobody else ever will.

When my world started to crumble, she was among the first to understand that I didn't want what I was afraid was coming. Not because she knew me best, but because she was willing to confront me, ask questions, talk and listen (and I'm sure prayer and listening to God's guidance was a huge part of that understanding as well).

She told me she thought I was a brat, I told her I knew I was.

But when she found out what I was dealing with and how long it had gone on, her understanding of me and my situation changed.

She has been an important part of my support system. Her prayers and advice, her opinions have been invaluable to me as I have traveled uncharted waters over the last 5 years.

Her willingness to hold me accountable has drawn me back to proper focus before any other of my "godly counselors" have noticed (or had the nerve to say something). I appreciate that she is a friend who stands up for me behind my back. She has been willing to plead my case to those who refuse to speak to me.

She is the kind of friend I want to be to others, when I grow up.

Her acceptance and understanding of me and my situation at the moment that nearly everyone else rejected me amazed me then, and has been one of my greatest blessings throughout these recent years. She stuck with me, not because of who I am, but because she chose to dig below the surface of the facade that was my life, and discover the truth. That is the most amazing part to me.

I hope to one day follow her footsteps and be able to encourage others to keep their focus on the Lord. To pursue Him and His will. To know that honoring Him is the only thing that matters. And to help others understand that trusting Him is the safest, surest place to be.

SL

2020-07-26T23:41:00.001-07:00

I met SL, when I first moved to Oregon. She was a busy lady, and promised once she retired, she'd be busy about the Lord's work. Brad didn't believe her, he told me he'd heard lots of people make that promise, but they never followed through. Maybe so, but I've had the tendency to give people a chance to keep their word...

SL did keep her word. When she retired she started working in Sunday School classes, and VBS often teamed up with Brad (I wouldn't be his helper, for reasons to be shared another time and place).

She also headed up the morning ladies' Bible study, that happened in the Spring and Fall every year.

For several years, Brad had me convinced, I didn't need to go to the Bible study, I needed to be home in case he needed me to go with him to visit someone in their home or at the hospital (which very rarely happened, usually I heard after the fact something like "thank you for sharing your husband with us last week"). The evening class he didn't want me to attend because it was "our only night home alone" each week. Nevermind that he spent the whole evening on the computer or in the bathroom. ANYWAY.

After I had our two children, who only saw their only local biological grandparent at church and on Christmas Eve. I had an idea. Grandma went to the evening study, so she could stay in the nursery with the kids, make some memories (without my having to be present) during the morning class, and if she had any trouble, Brad was right across the hall. Worked great, until my growth in the Lord, opened my eyes to reality.

There were some strange things that happened (I don't really want to go into, because this isn't about that), which lead me to revert to some of my teen coping practices. One evening after dinner, I pretended to go shopping for a new purse. If you know me, I hardly use a purse, to buy one is the last thing I would specifically go shopping for, but Brad didn't know me THAT well, apparently.

It took me about 5 minutes to find an acceptable purse, then I went to two people. Our pastor, who listened, but didn't take my concerns seriously, and to SL.

I don't even know why I went to her. I was not as close to her as maybe half a dozen other ladies. The other ladies were people I always spoke with at church, had them over often for dinner, and they would reciprocate. SL, was not part of our social circle, but I think maybe deep inside somewhere, I hoped and believed she would tell me straight what I needed to hear.

I had two things I addressed with her: the way Brad treated me, and the way I believed the world saw me. To my shock, unlike the pastor, she heard and accepted completely my explanation of the way Brad treated me. She also countered every opinion I had on what I was certain others saw of me (lined up with Mom-type-person's weekly mantra "it's not you, it's him!")

She was able to give me some very practical advice on how to combat the mind games and inconsistencies that I was dealing with. Over the next 5 years, I went to her Bible study every time it met, but I noticed that during Bible Study seasons, life at home would be full of strife. We had several secret counseling sessions at her home over those years. I believe if Brad had known I was talking with her, he would have tried to stop it.

On one of the darkest days of my life, she was there, sitting next to me. First in my car, talking to me to keep me from driving off to I didn't know where, to look for an unknown location where my husband was hiding with my children. And later, sitting next to me as I tried to explain to the pastor the depths of the situation my marriage was in because he neglected to give my husband accountability, and redused to hear my cries for help (He never did listen to me) (not that our situation was the pastor's fault, but if he had listened perhaps things could have been dealt with years before).

After that night she became one of my most trusted confidants. As my life spiralled into a chaos I never wanted to experience, she became a chief cheerleader and prayer warrior on my behalf.

When I went to her that first night and told her the kind of person I wanted to be, and the kind of person I had been lead to believe others saw me as. She told me I was wrong, that others, including herself, already saw me as the person I desire to be. When I told her I couldn't see that, that I didn't believe it. She said "Believe it!" (There is a post, telling about the conversation). And for my birthday or Christmas that year she gave me a thing to set where I could see it often, the word 'Believe'. I still have it, it still reminds me of our conversation, and I am working on it ☺.

She was and still is a blessing in my life. The coolest part of her part in my life is when I have a decision to make that seems to big to do alone, she is one of 5 ladies that I trun to. These 5 don't run in the same social circles, some don't attend the same church she does, and the rest don't even live in the same state. Yet every time I have come to them with a major issue, asking individually, they all have the same opinion. There is safety in many counselors, and I am thankful that SL is one of my "many". Her friendship is a blessing in my life, and I don't know that I would have the good mental health I have today, if she hadn't been willing to listen when she did.

God sometimes brings the most unexpected people into our lives, and they become the most precious of friends.

He is so good.

SP

2020-07-25T18:09:00.001-07:00

SP. What a special lady. I've known her all my life. I was 4 months old when my mother moved us to CA, and almost right away started attending the same church as SP and her family.

I remember church dinners at her house, and I know she had me over to her home sometimes to play with her daughter. The worst nightmare I remember came from sleeping on her couch, while her son (who was babysitting me) watched a National Geographic documentary on fire ants. I woke up at home dreaming those ants were all over me!!

I remember her always being kind, and quiet. Her family was always at everything our church did, and she was always busy, involved in helping things get done.

When another lady in the church introduced my mother to my step-father, and the interim pastor disapproved of their living arrangements, we left that church. In the moment, I don't know that it bothered me a whole lot, but a few months later I had decided I wasn't going to church unless we went back to CCC. In 1992, my stepfather, finished his course in phlebotomy, and got a job at a hospital in a place called Joshua Tree. They surprised me when I got home the last day of school (11th grade) with the news that we were moving to some place called Yucca Valley. I wasn't happy. As an appeasement, since her husband went to Yucca Valley to find us a place to live, my mother was willing to visit CCC for the last few Sundays before we moved. That was the only good part about moving, getting to see everybody again.

SP and her family were still at the church, but don't remember much, other than now that her daughter and I were in the Youth group, our class was now bigger than 3 kids. 😊

When we left Tujunga, I was pretty certain I would never see any of the people in that town ever again.

Over the next 20 years, my life took some interesting twists and turns (if you have read this blog, you know most of it).

Then, about 10 years ago, this thing called Facebook entered my life. ☺ I don't even remember who it was from CCC that I found first on Facebook, but one person lead to another, and one day I saw SP comment on someone else's post!! And we became Facebook friends. (I really have appreciated the opportunity to reconnect with the many people I probably never would have if Facebook had never existed)

One magical day, she shared a picture of the mountains surrounding her city, I knew those mountains!! I told her "I know those mountains! We drive past them a couple times a year!" After a few more messages, on my next trip south, we stopped to see SP and her husband. It had been close to 25 years since I had seen them. What a bleasing to be reunited, and welcomed back into their lives. After that first visit, every time we came to CA we stopped and spent a night or two with them each direction.

When my life hit rough waters 5 years ago SP became one of my confidants and spent much time talking and listening to me as I tried to process what was happening in my life, and what direction God would have me take.

She was convinced I was home to stay 4 years ago, before I was. And she has been one of the biggest blessings to my life since returning home to CA.

Her honesty, though sometimes blunt, is my favorite thing about her. If she agrees, fine. If she doesn't, well, she loves me enough to say so, and explain why. If I take her advice, she's happy. If I don't, she's not happy, but that doesn't diminish her love towards me, or harm our friendship.

Yet another example of unconditional love in my life.

She has provided for me a second home away from home (yes, I have 2, lol--I am blessed). The kids and I escape to her home at least a couple times a year to just veggitate. During the first year or two we were back, the kids and I went to see her every 6-8 weeks! A place away from home to shutdown, rest, and just stare at the tv. The kids love the endless television at her house (because their mother refuses to own one). I love our long, honest conversations, if only we could manage to have them before the middle of the night. LoL

I am so thankful for my dear friend. Her love and support through some of the darkest times of my life, means more to me than she can ever know because I don't have the words to express it fully.