It was said that we all want love.  I think that is an accurate statement whether we will admit it or not.  We all want certain things out of life, including love.  How much are we willing to give or give up in order to get the love we want?  Most people are content with the way they live their life, although we may have unhealthy habits or we may not be rich we all like to do what we want to do, when we want to do it within the limits of our resources.  The idea of being in love is this phantom that we all chase at some point in our lives and we all have either ruined an opportunity to have love or we have been the victim of someone who ruined the opportunity to receive our love.   It seems that although we all want to be loved many of us are not willing to give up the things that are detrimental to a loving relationship or we are unwilling to do things that will strengthen a loving relationship.  Why? Because it means we can no longer do whatever we want to do, much less do those things when we want to.  Many want the benefits of receiving love and being in a relationship without having the desire to make sacrifices and practicing the discipline necessary to give up those things that we enjoy doing that are not suitable for sustaining a relationship(I won’t get into describing what those things are because we all pretty much know what those things are, its not astrophysics we are discussing here).

I have not heard of any relationship where either one, or both parties have not had to change or grow in order for the relationship to last.  In a healthy relationship both parties should grow & change for the better.  Unless one dates a doormat, we must all expect that during a relationship both parties will have to do some self evaluation and make some decisions on what each party is willing to do differently and/or stop doing in order to grow the love between the pair.   Love is not free, at a bare minimum the price is self reflection, the willingness to consider the feelings of another, and a determination to make personal changes for the betterment of the relationship.  If you are not willing to reflect on your dark side, and honestly look in the mirror and see what your faults are and decide to change those things you are not yet willing to do what it takes to make a loving relationship work.  If you are not ready to give up the bad & become open to doing things that are not primarily in your best interest; but in the best interest of your relationship and/or your partner you are not ready to participate in a loving relationship.  If you are not ready to give up the: lifestyle of a single person, self-centered behaviors, and generally anything that would cause damage to a relationship you can’t realistically believe that you are worthy of the love of someone who is willing to be dedicated to you.  Just because you can get away with inappropriate behaviors for a while does not mean that you are making the right decisions for the long term growth of your relationship.  At some point things will come crashing down and you will have no one to blame but yourself, although you will try to blame everyone else.

I read a quote this morning that said something to the effect of ” you know its love when you are willing to do more for the other person than you are willing to do for yourself.”  That statement is a good starting point in my mind, if you are willing to go farther for that other person than you generally are willing to go for yourself that’s a very good sign that you are at least in the correct mindset to have a successful relationship.  That shows that you are no longer primarily self -centered.  The other half of the equation is cutting out the things that you can get away with, but that you know are wrong… before you get caught.  If one loves their mate they would not like to see them hurt physically or emotionally and if we are able to stop doing things that we know would hurt our mate its our responsibility to end those activities as soon as possible before damage is done.

Giving up the single life means ending all these actions that single people do that we would not tell our mate about, or do in front of our mate.  Its almost like there are three entities involved the two humans who say they love each other and the relationship is its own entity.  There has to be respect between the two people involved and there must be respect for the relationship.  Although you can love and respect your mate, you can be disrespectful to the relationship and that can be just as deadly to the survival of the relationship as being disrespectful to your mate can be.  Doing or saying things that can cause doubt in the mind of others about the status of your relationship or acting in a manner that indicates that you are not in a relationship can often be just as damaging as cheating or any other action that can lead to the termination of a relationship. If we decide to be in a committed relationship we should be happy and we should be proud to say that we are in a relationship and we should be proud to carry ourselves in a manner consistent with being emotionally attached to someone.  If we do anything else we are at a minimum disrespecting the relationship and we are most likely disrespecting our mate by default.

I could not have said it better myself http://thenakedwar.wordpress.com/2012/03/27/sucker-punched-33/

Yesterday I broke up with a lady who I had a loooot of good times with.  The first 24 hours was a breeze because it was sooo clear that she had wronged me, that she had disrespected me, that she had insulted my intelligence.   Yes all of that is true but as I was fully aware when I called it off, that blues of being apart has started to set in.  Even though I know that my reasons for breaking things off were and still are the right decision for my future, its sad to know that the good times will be no more (at least with her).  Its clear to me how people end up sticking it out with people who have obviously done them wrong, as it seems that during times like these you second guess your decision and try to figure out if what happened was “really that bad.”  I can say that it takes a good deal of will power or in some cases a very significant or tragic event to over come those feelings of “maybe it wasn’t so bad.”  By the time I break up with someone I know that I have tried to do all that I could do to salvage the relationship so and my knowledge of that fact that serves as a nice little reminder that it was time to move on.  When I give things my genuine best effort I can rest much easier than when I know that I could have done more.  In this case I can say that I gave it more than my best effort on several occasions. Even though the relationship only lasted a few months it feels strange to be in the land of the single again. Sure it has some obvious advantages, but that feeling that you have someone in your corner and someone who is thinking about you as you think about them is strange to be without and in a lot of ways that’s what really matters at least to me at this point in life.

This is what it feels like when breaking up is the easy part.  As I reflect on the last few months I have to learn the lesson(s) meant for me and adjust my course for the future.  Fortunately (I say that sarcastically)I have work to do… I suppose the universe feels that what I need right about now is a f*cking ton of work to take my mind off this whole mess and its working, I can’t remember when I have had this much work to do at one time.  My last words on this are live your life the right way no matter what happens to you.  Be positive and positive things will happen to and around you.  Don’t let fear be the driving force in your decision making process.  Decisions should be made based upon what you want out of life and where you want to go, instead of what you’re afraid of.  You will find that the vast majority of the time that your fear is more harmful than whatever it was that you were afraid of.

I am a single guy, but I have a number of married friends near my age and I realized that a lot of them don’t really much about their married life, more specifically how they feel about being married. We all know the most popular (stereotypical) complaints about what married men don’t like and its usually that the woman changed (and/or wants him to change), she provides less sex, she nags about too many things, she let herself go physically, etc… but there has to be more to getting married than that. I mean come on guys tell the whole story, how do you feel about being married?

First thing’s first  let us know your age, her age, how long you were together before getting married, and how long you have been married, then share your story.

How does it make you feel to say that you have a wife?

How has having a wife changed your life?

How has having a wife made you a better man(if you think it has)?

Has being married made your life better or worse overall? and why?

What would you do differently if you could?

What is the part of married life that makes you smile when you are all alone thinking about your lifestyle now?

Would you remarry the same woman again if you could go back to when you were single, knowing what you know now? If not would you get married ever again period?

Don’t be limited by my questions I share with myself and all the other people here who can learn from what you are going through. There are the obvious questions that I avoided such as ” did you marry her because she was pregnant?” because I think those types of questions might not get a truthful answer due to fear that she might come across this article…LoL

I ask that you all really forward the link to this article and post it on your Facebook page, re-tweet it, I want a large audience to reply and to read this one.  I have never asked this before but I think we can all learn something if the response to this one is good. Ladies, if this goes over well of course I’ll give you a chance to share your stories as well, just stay tuned.

Married Men, click reply below or reply using Disqus… everybody else forward this link to any married men willing to share their story, good or bad:   http://wp.me/pwPxW-xy

How many of you parents out there who are married or in a relationship with someone other than your child’s other parent are still having sexual relations with your child’s other parent?  Due to recent conversations it has become apparent to me that a lot of folks think that having a child together means you have certain privileges for the rest of your lives no matter if you marry someone else or not.  (Of course if you don’t please tell us about your “friend” who does…lol)

A few years ago, when I was a bit younger, a bit less mature, a bit less give a fu*kish… my father asked what business I had goin to nightclubs if I was in a relationship. I gave the typical response, which was something to the effect of, I like to have fun with my friends…or I like to hear good music. On the surface those things were true, and I never went out with the purpose of trying to find another woman to be “entertained” by. But there were times that I did not stop the train when it was set in motion by a nice looking young lady. And that is exactly my dad’s point, even if you are not trying to cheat, surrounding yourself with the opportunity to cheat is not a good idea, at all. He went on to say specifically that clubs are for single people and people who are otherwise looking for some type of action.  I can now say that I pretty much agree.  Why go into a candy store if you are on a diabetic? You are better off avoiding the temptation all together.

So far this year (its currently only day 5 of 2012) I have been a party in two discussions about how to make a relationship work.   Its pretty simple… communicate effectively, and compromise.  A relationship is nothing more than a description of how multiple people interact with each other. For a relationship to exist long term and to grow stronger all parties must give and take.

With regard to healthy romantic relationships, no one person should be doing significantly more taking than the other.  Each person can give in their own way, but it should be in a way that adds value to the other person’s life.  If one person gives and feels that they are not being taken care of they will become unhappy, and that will lead to any number of dysfunctional actions.    Often people feel as if they are giving a lot, while their mate does not agree, because what is being given is not seen as valuable by the person receiving.  We should learn what things we can do to add value and or comfort to our mate’s life so that we can show them that we are considering their feelings in a way that they will recognize.   Along those lines each party has a duty to communicate effectively and at the proper time when they feel that the scales are tilted too far in one direction.  If you can your mate can’t have a calm discussion about how each of you feel then effective communication is not in practice within your relationship.  No one should be afraid to raise an issue to their mate, but we must always consider the timing and the other life events before we decide to raise certain issues.  I am sure it won’t make things any better if you decide to talk about why you are not happy on the day your mate just lost a major contract or they just left traffic court.  Its only 15% about what you have to say and 85% about how & when you say it.

We all have to know when its ok to not have it our own way… especially if it will help the relationship or help the person you are in the relationship with.  Folks these days are very quick to dismiss our mate because of a single issue or a single problem, instead of investing time and effort into communication and finding a workable compromise that will allow you to get past that particular issue.  Sure you risk spending time talking to come to a resolution that you are not 100% satisfied with at the moment but in the grand scheme of things the resolution should be in the best interest of all parties involved.

To keep it simple and not waste much more of my regular reader’s time with things I have written in other posts, it all boils down to EFFECTIVE communication and willingness to compromise to ensure that both your mate and yourself can maintain a level of comfort with regard to things you don’t both agree on 100%.  You must remember that the other person is viewing each issue through a different lens formed by a whole different set of life experiences.  Those different life experiences cause each of us to see and understand things differently.  We must take the time to develop a vocabulary and use that vocabulary to discuss issues as logical mature beings.

Today I came across an interesting article that supports my side of a recent conversation I had with a female friend [click the link to see the article]-> blogs.ajc.com. I’m pretty sure you have heard the saying “Happy wife, happy marriage”… but what about the husband’s happiness??? Well according to the article referenced above you ladies need to be more concerned with your husband’s happiness…LoL Apparently there was a study performed ( by Kristina Dzara at Southern Illinois University) which states the following:

The probability of divorce is dramatically reduced when husbands report being sexually satisfied. Dzara writes, “a couple with a husband who has the highest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, compared to a husband with the lowest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, decreases their odds of experiencing a marital disruption by around 83.7%.” Overall, husbands’ satisfaction with physical intimacy is a stronger influence on divorce than any other measure in this study.”

The other relevant saying here is “what you won’t do… someone else will”… I’m just saying.

You can argue all you want, but at the end of the day everybody wants happiness in their relationships, men just so happened to be happier when we have sufficient access to a source of high quality sexual intercourse.  A problem is that when women are not happy many, either are not in the mood for sex or they think that holding back is somehow punishing their man.  Wrong!… Wrong!… cheating is not ever the best way to handle things, but… often its easier for a guy to get his satisfaction from the other woman who is down for a no hassle, no fuss round of action; than it is to deal with whatever issue the main woman/wife has which she really can’t communicate in an effective manner to begin with.  Open communication is critical, but removing the link between sex and anger is also a factor.  So he left the toilet seat up… holding out on the goods will not make your relationship any better… talk about the problem and then let it go.  Focusing on negative issues will not make anything any better.  The numbers don’t lie (well hopefully) men who are sexually satisfied are reportedly 83% less likely to cheat… yes there are exceptions to all studies but by and large these numbers might be true.

Wait for the shocker… I guess that means many, many husbands are not being sexually satisfied…LoL (by their wives that is)

Again communication is the key, couples need to discuss what sexual satisfaction means to each partner.  Without discourse both parties are living a life based upon assumptions.  Talk about sex, talk about what pleases each of you, talk about what is missing in your sexual relationship.  The people who just “know” that they are pleasing their partner are probably missing the mark in several areas but they are blind to the fact that their partner is not as satisfied as they believe.

This photo edit was a contest submission on http://www.froknowsphoto.com  You can see the contest details here http://froknowsphoto.com/edit-this-raw-file-week-41/  My entry is on page 24 as of 09/07/2011.  I have not really used Photoshop in months so I was a little rusty… I see that I need to get back into Photoshop to keep my skills exercised.  I think I will do more of these videos, it was fun to let you all see how I do magic… LoL

Whether you are male,female,black, native american, asian, young, or old we all have issues as a result of of categories we fall into.  Since we can only experience the issues related to the categories we are a part of  we often develop tunnel vision and start to believe that our issues are the most important issues.  And we are 100% correct, our issues are the most important issues… to us.  But on a large scale nobody else really cares about your issues until you give them a reason to, or unless they happen to observe you being a victim to some injustice based upon your category.

We should not ignore our issues if we expect things to change, but two things we can’t do are; let the issue(s) consume us to the point that we are immobilized, and we can’t let the views of other people (especially those outside the category we are a part of) become our own definition of ourselves.  Every person we encounter on our journey through life forms some sort of impression or opinion of us.  People often have a particular motive associated with the image they have developed of each of us.  I argue that we can not be concerned with these motives and impressions, it is a losing battle because at the end of the day you will lose if you worry about what every other person is thinking about you.

One thing I am not saying is that we should ignore our issues.  We must think, plan and take action to cause change.  But we have to maintain the ability to have an open mind and realize that everyone who is not like us is not the enemy.  If we really stop and think  we might just realize that many people considered to be minorities in the US have very similar issues and we would make more progress together, than we will attacking from different angles without coordination.  Also I would like to add…because someone cares less (than you do) about your particular issue does not mean that they are against you, it just means they are not willing to fight with you at this time.

Surveys and studies have shown that without additional information humans of all stripes naturally chose to associate with or help people who are similar to themselves when they have to choose.  Even if we don’t want to admit it when given a choice our first instinct is to lean toward the person most like one’s self be it ethnicity, age, nationality, hometown, or whatever.  Most often we have to make a conscious decision to not select that person.  The tendency to more readily assist those most like us is a valid issue in many cases, but the larger problem is when people go out of their way to give an advantage to a certain group, or to restrict another group.  The real problem is not that men want to have sex with every other decent looking woman they meet, the larger issues are the media portraying certain groups of women as a more sexual group and the men who can’t control themselves & cross certain lines when dealing with women.  It’s almost impossible to fight what naturally occurs in the majority of humans on the planet, but if you choose to take on that challenge no one is stopping you (I say you are wasting your time, but feel free).  If you want to make a real difference in your lifetime it is more effective to take your fight to the parts of the problem created or publicized by human beings.  Take on unjust laws, take on the media, take on textbook writers, take on people of your category who are not advancing your cause, take on those of your category who are a part of the problem.  Once you tackle the man made parts of the problem if you have time then you might take your fight to mother nature.

Since the election of our first Negro/African American/Black/Brotha/Nigga/Nigger President the phrase post racial society has been tossed around.  Its bologna. Racism is live and well.  The issue of the day is this advertisement by Nivea which depicts a man of  African descent throwing away mask of an afro wearing, facial hair having black man for a clean shaven “civilized man”.

This ad is just the latest of a series of monthly, if not weekly examples of how racism is still bubbling up in every corner of society.  Last week it was the so called expert blaming the societal ills of the city of London on “black male culture.”  Oh let us not forget the movie “The Help”, which was written by a white woman.  Many say that the movie was a white washed version of the reality of black house servants in the mid 1900′s in America.  The week before that is was the use of the word “nigga” by white female rapper V-Nasty (who?) and all of the black male producers and rappers (also a few white celebrities) who came to her rescue, attempting to give her a “pass” to use the word freely because she was reportedly raised in a primarily black neighborhood(as if that means she can’t be racist, although I am not saying she is racist, I don’t know enough of her to make that claim ).  The week before that we had riots in London started by the alleged wrongful killing of a black man by the police.  I will stop there, as  this post might never end if I continue.  The point of it all is that racism is not something that no longer exists simply because we may chose to ignore it. We don’t have many social movements or rallies against racism anymore, and people who accuse others of racism are quickly ostracized as “pulling the race card” simply because the non-minority may not see or understand the way race factors into that particular event.  The term most appropriate is “white privilege.”  You may very well not be overtly or consciously racist, hell you may not be racist at all, but the fact that you don’t acknowledge or understand how the racism of the government and your ancestors has given you a huge leg up on minorities is a major cause of what many call racist actions or thoughts today.  If your great grandfather owned a business 100 years ago and that set the foundation for your family to be upper middle class and it allowed you to attend a particular University you may not realize that you are benefiting from a privilege.  In most of the country 100 years ago a black man could not have a successful business, therefore his family will never benefit from the fruits of his labor.  From that point on his ancestors can never grow from the foundation he laid, essentially until the last generation of African Americans we had to start completely from scratch (financially) with each generation.  Black families by and large never had assets of any value to pass down and enrich the lives of future generations.  Simply put non-minorities simply are not often exposed to the racism that we are subject to on a daily basis depending upon where one lives.  If you don’t see it, you forget about it or assume that it no longer occurs in our “civilized” society.

Racism will be on its way out the door once poor people realize that we are all, rather we should all be on the same team.  Economic empowerment is the key to ending the vast majority of racism.  If there was no threat to one’s livelihood one would be afraid that “those people” are trying to take what little we have.   Without giving a history and economics lesson I will just say that having an open mind, listening to the complaints of others, and at least considering that race is still a factor in many decisions is the first step toward addressing racism in society.  Every claim of racism is not valid, nor is racism an obsolete concept.  It is very real that minorities are passed up for promotions, refused jobs, and are victims of historically lower quality education.  One thing that disturbs me is the number of people of European descent that have come out about the recent things in the news and basically stated that black folks are over-reacting with the claims of racism.  The fact that you don’t at least understand that there could be some validity to the claims is a problem, either you are fool, in denial or you must be a racist attempting to hide it.  Last week in DC there was an event called the “Slut Walk” which was a rally against rape and male sexual aggression.  Now I have never been raped so it would be foolish of me to tell rape victims to get over it and you are not at a disadvantage socially due to your trauma in the past.  That is basically what people are telling minorities, “shut up about racism” it’s over with and we are all equal today…bologna.

Last weekend I attended the Big Cherry Block Party in Silver Spring, MD to hang out with the crew from Pinz-N-Needlez Tattoo shop while they performed body painting and interacted with former and future customers.  Take a look at the video from the day.

Body Painting @ Big Cherry Street Festival

Below you will find a reader’s email message and my response.  Please note that my response if just my opinion, I am not in any way a certified counseling professional.

“I enjoy reading your article.
I am currently dating a separated man who’s in the process of a divorce. (his wife filed) He has been separated from his wife for 10 months and we’ve been dating for 4 months. They both have a 5 year old they share custody with. I live 2 hours away and we see each other once a week. i do the driving to come see him mainly because i have family in his town and so i split my time between my family and him. The problem that i have is that sometimes his wife calls him at the last minute to watch their daughter and our date plans are cancelled. Because of this we either don’t see each other for weeks at a time or every once in a while i will go to his place and spend a few minutes with him and his daughter-we usually watch a disney movie. However, he is careful to not show me any affection when we are in front of his daughter. i understand, but when 1-2 weeks goes by without any type of affection or intimacy, it can be a bit frustrating-plus we only talk on the phone once a week. i mainly do the calling and he’s great with calling me back, but when i don’t call him, i usually dont hear from him. we’ve talked about it but he said there is not much he can do about it and that his daughter is his 1st priority-which i understand 100%. i have never been married nor have any children but would like to in the future,. he is a nice guy and a great father. i really like him, but am i wasting my time dating him? what are your thoughts on my situation? thanks”

I first thank you for reading my blog…

Now about this relationship situation.  Things are often very rough and unfamiliar with both parties after a break-up, especially if it was a significant relationship and children are involved.  I assume that your man friend and his ex were together for nearly 5 years if not longer.  I would bet that their relationship is not really “over” if you came into the picture six months after their break up. From my observations people’s emotions tend to fluctuate during the first 6-9 months after the termination of a lengthy relationship.  I have seen many people work things out after a separation of 2, 3, or 6 months and continue on as if nothing had happened.  It is very likely that his ex is still not yet comfortable with the idea of him becoming serious with another woman. If you are the first woman that the ex feels he is serious about she could be feeling a bit of jealousy, especially if she is not in a positive relationship.  And there is a possibility that during your time out of town one or both of the parties involved are making a move to get the other back, or at least one party may think there is hope.  Basically its going to be terribly difficult until both parties know for sure that their relationship is completely over. People are territorial, and she could be flexing what power she has (babysitting) in order to ruin his chances of getting with the next woman.  You never mentioned why she has to suddenly have him watch their child when you are in town so i don’t know if its a legitimate reason or if she is going out with her girlfriends on those nights. The only thing you can do is address the issue with your guy and give him some time (not much time) to work his plan.  If your man does not take action, then that’s all you should need to know…  But at the same time I will backtrack and say that if it was a particularly hard break up you may need to help your man figure out how to make your relationship work, I know from personal experience that after a break up from a long relationship it takes a while to adjust to single life.  My personal view (and what I chose to do) was to exclude myself from dating at all until I was 100% ready and completely sure I was over the ex.  Now it is too late for that in your case, but a step you can take before completely cutting ole boy off is stepping back and giving him time to work through things alone… if your relationship is meant to be he will work through things and get back to you better than ever. If he decided to go in a different direction when you step back then once again, what is meant to be will happen. The reality is that if you are only 6 months in, you have not wasted much time or energy if it does not work out.  Communication is key. Communicate every feeling you have about the situation in a calm and non-confrontational manner and then let the chips fall where they may.

You did say a few things that threw me for a loop though.  What type of relationship are you in if you can accept a lack of communication for weeks at a time, on top of a lack of physical contact when you do see your man?  What is this guy doing that is so important that he can’t ever call you?  Again, I say open two way communication is key.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to evaluate your relationship and decide if its as good as you may think.  This is an easy out for you if you think through your feelings and determine that this is not the type of relationship that makes you happy.

If you and your man are serious I think that you should be able to hug or kiss in front of the 5 year old after dating for 6 months.  The fact that he does not allow contact when his daughter is around leads me to believe that either he is being overly protective… or more likely he is trying to work out things with is ex (if he hasn’t already) and he doesn’t want his daughter to see him kissing his friend/cousin/sister/aunt/neighbor/ or what ever he told her you are.   But… at the same time, there is a fog that clouds the mind after a breakup, so perhaps he thinks its best that his daughter never see him touch a woman other than her mother, my response to that is that over time he will come to his senses and realize that he is taking things too far…(especially when he finds out that the mother is already living with another dude, and damn near engaged…LoL). Over time and maybe after a few failed relationships he will find an equilibrium.

What does all this mean?  Well it means that you are in a tough spot.  You are dealing with a man who is either confused and not yet adjusted to life after his long term (failed) relationship, or you are dealing with a dude who is using you to fill in the gaps until he gets back with his ex.  All I can say is that you have all the evidence before your eyes… evaluate it with your mind(not the emotions attached with dating for 6 months), and take appropriate action.

The answer to your last question is that unfortunately you won’t know if you are wasting your time, until the time has been wasted.  The only way to mitigate the risk of wasting time is to communicate openly now, and evaluate in the near term what happens.  If you see satisfactory progress you are free to determine how long to keep chugging along.  If you see stagnation then you should keep moving immediately.  The excuse that “my child comes first” is not acceptable in this situation where you are not asking him to not spend time with his child, and you are not distracting him from his child during scheduled visitation.  If he pays child support then she needs to spend some of that money on child care instead of taking his time… if he is trying to keep her happy so that she does not file for child support he is making the wrong move, because he can’t walk on eggshells forever and when she does file she will get a couple of years of back support anyway, so he is going to pay in time now and in money down the road.   Not that spending time with your child is ever a bad thing, but some parents use that “time with your child” as a weapon to punish and exercise power over their ex.

I wish you the best of luck,

The floor is open to other reader’s input.

J is for Junkie [Full Length] from Greedmont Park on Vimeo.

This video reminds me of so many things… the J’s (Junkies) in my family, Sun Valley Apartments in the 1980′s, the neighborhood I lived in during my college years, the grown men who I have seen “entertaining”(singing, dancing, etc.) dope boys hoping to score their next hit, the mechanic who rebuilt my car’s engine for about $100, that dude who tried to sell me a washer and dryer for $50, the lady who used to go door to door trying to sell used shoes for a couple dollars, the kid I went to high school with that I saw strung out… before we (I) graduated, the fights I witnessed over debts, that time my neighbors ran off someone who broke into my house in the middle of the night, the night I had $15,000 in my hands to “hold” for someone while they went to “take care of some business”, that time a friend of mine sat up all night dressed in black waiting for someone, the stories I was told about Techwood Homes, when the stories were verified by an independent third party years later, the police raid while i was sleeping, the cars, the bikes, the women, the strip clubs, the block parties,the food, the night clubs, the back woods car races for $20,000 a race,  the little shabby pickup truck that used to signal the end for the dealers who foolishly tried to make that sale to a stranger, that time I saw the police pull that guy through his car window in the parking lot of Albertson’s, my professor’s son who used to come to the hood to get his “party supplies”, the (Caucasian) state capital employees who used to come to the hood to score hits, The J who cut my grass for a bottle of white wine, then walked around the neighborhood drunk the rest of the day, the pictures of semi-nude women sent to dudes in jail, the homie who got 9 years (for conspiracy to distribute), the homie who got 25 to life(for a fistfight which happened to be his 3rd strike), the homie who was still on the run last I heard, the homie who was killed, the first time I saw someone whipping the work, the homie who got 2nd-3rd degree burns when the pyrex pot broke while he was cooking, the time the two guys were hiding behind trees at night waiting for someone, the guy in the neighborhood who was up in the tree with a video camera wearing camouflage…LoL, the time I was told to ride in the other car, the time in the restaurant when we didn’t have to pay, the time in the strip club when everybody had a good time, but none of the girls were paid in cash, the decision I made that allows me to have the career I have today, the other stuff that I can’t write on this blog…(and don’t ask about it)

I have never sold or used crack or any form of cocaine, but it has definitely affected my life in many ways.

Watch this video, spread the link… help get some exposure for this young videographer, so that he can bring us more food for thought.

Below are a few lessons I have learned during my journey through life to date… I just thought I’d take a moment to share.

1. Figure out what works, improve on it… Repeat

2. Figure out what doesn’t work and decide to stop doing those things or decide to fix the problem(s)… Repeat.

3. Learn from the mistakes of others…Don’t believe anyone who says that you can’t learn from someone who has never “done it” or has never “been there”.  The smartest people avoid pitfalls by observing others, the not so smart people want to learn everything from personal experience.

4.  Help everybody you can…especially if you don’t see how you will benefit from your work.

5. Trust (within reason) and respect everyone until they give you a reason not to… Trust & respect should  not to be earned, after all who are you again???  When doing business (and in personal relationships) with new partners you are both bringing something to the table and you must trust & respect each other mutually, neither person is in a position to grant any more respect or trust than the other.  It is your duty to research your partners in advance such that you weed out unsavory characters.

6. Respect other people’s time… If you are late you are sending the signal that your time is more important than theirs.  Don’t be late.

7. Be a mentor… someone you help will undoubtedly help others your actions will not be forgotten.

8. Gain an understanding of points of disagreement from the view of the other party.  You don’t have to agree with them to see it from their point of view.

9. Admit when you are wrong.

10. Talk to everyone… Treat everyone as if they are your next big business contact, because one day you will be correct.I learned this lesson the easy way, one of my biggest retail sales was made to a gentleman dressed in dirty, torn clothes who other sales people ignored.  Also I can’t stress how important connections made while traveling can be.  I have made many excellent contacts in airports and on airplanes.  People in airports have money and resources available to them, or else they would be on the bus.  Pay attention to what people are reading… spark a discussion and see where it takes you.

11. Nobody wants your business card unless they ask for it… Your goal during conversation should be to make the other person realize that they need to connect with you.  If you are not asked for a card, ask for theirs, or get their contact info… but don’t offer your card unless they ask.

12.  Always have business cards, even if you are unemployed have some professional cards pressed.  Always have business cards on your person.

13.  Whatever your industry, attend a convention… There is a reason that every industry has at least one convention per year… go… be active … network …eventually, become a presenter.

14. Never negotiate if you are not willing to walk away from the deal.  A person who “has to have it” is more likely to make a less than stellar deal, because of their desperation.

15.  Unless you are doing research or an interview avoid asking questions for which you don’t know the answer.  In most situations questions are a tool to find out how much others know, and who’s side they are on.

16. Never lose your cool.  Never show anger, and avoid showing fear as much as possible when doing business.  The cool head will prevail most of the time.  Anger causes poor decisions, and showing fear will cause you to be taken advantage of more easily.  It’s only business, no matter what happens there is always another path to success.

17.  Remember names… do whatever it takes to remember names, repeat it silently, write it down, type it in your phone… do whatever you need to do to remember names.

18. Make yourself critical to the success of others… “Have you ever had people fighting over you?… It sure feels good” – one of my favorite lines from Driving Ms. Daisy… and its true.  If you don’t have people begging you to stay or asking you to return, then you need to increase your level of service. Get this balance right and you can name your price.  Don’t try to win business by having the lowest price, instead have the best quality.  If you have the best quality people will pay a premium for your service or goods.  I have never done anything at the lowest price, but I have never had a problem getting business… Too many people refuse to believe this works, and they shoot themselves in the foot by low balling.  They are hurting themselves and others in their profession by giving customers the perception that a quality service/product can be had at bottom basement prices.

19. Keep fresh (live or cut) flowers in your place of business, especially if you host customers or business associates in your workplace.  Beautiful things put people in a good mood.   Orchids make good live flowers as they bloom for an extended period.

20. Forward this to everyone you think can benefit from it… Re-Tweet it, Post it on FaceBook, vote for it on Reddit,  and follow me on twitter @hispointofview