So far this year (its currently only day 5 of 2012) I have been a party in two discussions about how to make a relationship work.   Its pretty simple… communicate effectively, and compromise.  A relationship is nothing more than a description of how multiple people interact with each other. For a relationship to exist long term and to grow stronger all parties must give and take.

With regard to healthy romantic relationships, no one person should be doing significantly more taking than the other.  Each person can give in their own way, but it should be in a way that adds value to the other person’s life.  If one person gives and feels that they are not being taken care of they will become unhappy, and that will lead to any number of dysfunctional actions.    Often people feel as if they are giving a lot, while their mate does not agree, because what is being given is not seen as valuable by the person receiving.  We should learn what things we can do to add value and or comfort to our mate’s life so that we can show them that we are considering their feelings in a way that they will recognize.   Along those lines each party has a duty to communicate effectively and at the proper time when they feel that the scales are tilted too far in one direction.  If you can your mate can’t have a calm discussion about how each of you feel then effective communication is not in practice within your relationship.  No one should be afraid to raise an issue to their mate, but we must always consider the timing and the other life events before we decide to raise certain issues.  I am sure it won’t make things any better if you decide to talk about why you are not happy on the day your mate just lost a major contract or they just left traffic court.  Its only 15% about what you have to say and 85% about how & when you say it.

We all have to know when its ok to not have it our own way… especially if it will help the relationship or help the person you are in the relationship with.  Folks these days are very quick to dismiss our mate because of a single issue or a single problem, instead of investing time and effort into communication and finding a workable compromise that will allow you to get past that particular issue.  Sure you risk spending time talking to come to a resolution that you are not 100% satisfied with at the moment but in the grand scheme of things the resolution should be in the best interest of all parties involved.

To keep it simple and not waste much more of my regular reader’s time with things I have written in other posts, it all boils down to EFFECTIVE communication and willingness to compromise to ensure that both your mate and yourself can maintain a level of comfort with regard to things you don’t both agree on 100%.  You must remember that the other person is viewing each issue through a different lens formed by a whole different set of life experiences.  Those different life experiences cause each of us to see and understand things differently.  We must take the time to develop a vocabulary and use that vocabulary to discuss issues as logical mature beings.

Today I came across an interesting article that supports my side of a recent conversation I had with a female friend [click the link to see the article]-> blogs.ajc.com. I’m pretty sure you have heard the saying “Happy wife, happy marriage”… but what about the husband’s happiness??? Well according to the article referenced above you ladies need to be more concerned with your husband’s happiness…LoL Apparently there was a study performed ( by Kristina Dzara at Southern Illinois University) which states the following:

The probability of divorce is dramatically reduced when husbands report being sexually satisfied. Dzara writes, “a couple with a husband who has the highest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, compared to a husband with the lowest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, decreases their odds of experiencing a marital disruption by around 83.7%.” Overall, husbands’ satisfaction with physical intimacy is a stronger influence on divorce than any other measure in this study.”

The other relevant saying here is “what you won’t do… someone else will”… I’m just saying.

You can argue all you want, but at the end of the day everybody wants happiness in their relationships, men just so happened to be happier when we have sufficient access to a source of high quality sexual intercourse.  A problem is that when women are not happy many, either are not in the mood for sex or they think that holding back is somehow punishing their man.  Wrong!… Wrong!… cheating is not ever the best way to handle things, but… often its easier for a guy to get his satisfaction from the other woman who is down for a no hassle, no fuss round of action; than it is to deal with whatever issue the main woman/wife has which she really can’t communicate in an effective manner to begin with.  Open communication is critical, but removing the link between sex and anger is also a factor.  So he left the toilet seat up… holding out on the goods will not make your relationship any better… talk about the problem and then let it go.  Focusing on negative issues will not make anything any better.  The numbers don’t lie (well hopefully) men who are sexually satisfied are reportedly 83% less likely to cheat… yes there are exceptions to all studies but by and large these numbers might be true.

Wait for the shocker… I guess that means many, many husbands are not being sexually satisfied…LoL (by their wives that is)

Again communication is the key, couples need to discuss what sexual satisfaction means to each partner.  Without discourse both parties are living a life based upon assumptions.  Talk about sex, talk about what pleases each of you, talk about what is missing in your sexual relationship.  The people who just “know” that they are pleasing their partner are probably missing the mark in several areas but they are blind to the fact that their partner is not as satisfied as they believe.

This photo edit was a contest submission on http://www.froknowsphoto.com  You can see the contest details here http://froknowsphoto.com/edit-this-raw-file-week-41/  My entry is on page 24 as of 09/07/2011.  I have not really used Photoshop in months so I was a little rusty… I see that I need to get back into Photoshop to keep my skills exercised.  I think I will do more of these videos, it was fun to let you all see how I do magic… LoL

Whether you are male,female,black, native american, asian, young, or old we all have issues as a result of of categories we fall into.  Since we can only experience the issues related to the categories we are a part of  we often develop tunnel vision and start to believe that our issues are the most important issues.  And we are 100% correct, our issues are the most important issues… to us.  But on a large scale nobody else really cares about your issues until you give them a reason to, or unless they happen to observe you being a victim to some injustice based upon your category.

We should not ignore our issues if we expect things to change, but two things we can’t do are; let the issue(s) consume us to the point that we are immobilized, and we can’t let the views of other people (especially those outside the category we are a part of) become our own definition of ourselves.  Every person we encounter on our journey through life forms some sort of impression or opinion of us.  People often have a particular motive associated with the image they have developed of each of us.  I argue that we can not be concerned with these motives and impressions, it is a losing battle because at the end of the day you will lose if you worry about what every other person is thinking about you.

One thing I am not saying is that we should ignore our issues.  We must think, plan and take action to cause change.  But we have to maintain the ability to have an open mind and realize that everyone who is not like us is not the enemy.  If we really stop and think  we might just realize that many people considered to be minorities in the US have very similar issues and we would make more progress together, than we will attacking from different angles without coordination.  Also I would like to add…because someone cares less (than you do) about your particular issue does not mean that they are against you, it just means they are not willing to fight with you at this time.

Surveys and studies have shown that without additional information humans of all stripes naturally chose to associate with or help people who are similar to themselves when they have to choose.  Even if we don’t want to admit it when given a choice our first instinct is to lean toward the person most like one’s self be it ethnicity, age, nationality, hometown, or whatever.  Most often we have to make a conscious decision to not select that person.  The tendency to more readily assist those most like us is a valid issue in many cases, but the larger problem is when people go out of their way to give an advantage to a certain group, or to restrict another group.  The real problem is not that men want to have sex with every other decent looking woman they meet, the larger issues are the media portraying certain groups of women as a more sexual group and the men who can’t control themselves & cross certain lines when dealing with women.  It’s almost impossible to fight what naturally occurs in the majority of humans on the planet, but if you choose to take on that challenge no one is stopping you (I say you are wasting your time, but feel free).  If you want to make a real difference in your lifetime it is more effective to take your fight to the parts of the problem created or publicized by human beings.  Take on unjust laws, take on the media, take on textbook writers, take on people of your category who are not advancing your cause, take on those of your category who are a part of the problem.  Once you tackle the man made parts of the problem if you have time then you might take your fight to mother nature.

Since the election of our first Negro/African American/Black/Brotha/Nigga/Nigger President the phrase post racial society has been tossed around.  Its bologna. Racism is live and well.  The issue of the day is this advertisement by Nivea which depicts a man of  African descent throwing away mask of an afro wearing, facial hair having black man for a clean shaven “civilized man”.

This ad is just the latest of a series of monthly, if not weekly examples of how racism is still bubbling up in every corner of society.  Last week it was the so called expert blaming the societal ills of the city of London on “black male culture.”  Oh let us not forget the movie “The Help”, which was written by a white woman.  Many say that the movie was a white washed version of the reality of black house servants in the mid 1900′s in America.  The week before that is was the use of the word “nigga” by white female rapper V-Nasty (who?) and all of the black male producers and rappers (also a few white celebrities) who came to her rescue, attempting to give her a “pass” to use the word freely because she was reportedly raised in a primarily black neighborhood(as if that means she can’t be racist, although I am not saying she is racist, I don’t know enough of her to make that claim ).  The week before that we had riots in London started by the alleged wrongful killing of a black man by the police.  I will stop there, as  this post might never end if I continue.  The point of it all is that racism is not something that no longer exists simply because we may chose to ignore it. We don’t have many social movements or rallies against racism anymore, and people who accuse others of racism are quickly ostracized as “pulling the race card” simply because the non-minority may not see or understand the way race factors into that particular event.  The term most appropriate is “white privilege.”  You may very well not be overtly or consciously racist, hell you may not be racist at all, but the fact that you don’t acknowledge or understand how the racism of the government and your ancestors has given you a huge leg up on minorities is a major cause of what many call racist actions or thoughts today.  If your great grandfather owned a business 100 years ago and that set the foundation for your family to be upper middle class and it allowed you to attend a particular University you may not realize that you are benefiting from a privilege.  In most of the country 100 years ago a black man could not have a successful business, therefore his family will never benefit from the fruits of his labor.  From that point on his ancestors can never grow from the foundation he laid, essentially until the last generation of African Americans we had to start completely from scratch (financially) with each generation.  Black families by and large never had assets of any value to pass down and enrich the lives of future generations.  Simply put non-minorities simply are not often exposed to the racism that we are subject to on a daily basis depending upon where one lives.  If you don’t see it, you forget about it or assume that it no longer occurs in our “civilized” society.

Racism will be on its way out the door once poor people realize that we are all, rather we should all be on the same team.  Economic empowerment is the key to ending the vast majority of racism.  If there was no threat to one’s livelihood one would be afraid that “those people” are trying to take what little we have.   Without giving a history and economics lesson I will just say that having an open mind, listening to the complaints of others, and at least considering that race is still a factor in many decisions is the first step toward addressing racism in society.  Every claim of racism is not valid, nor is racism an obsolete concept.  It is very real that minorities are passed up for promotions, refused jobs, and are victims of historically lower quality education.  One thing that disturbs me is the number of people of European descent that have come out about the recent things in the news and basically stated that black folks are over-reacting with the claims of racism.  The fact that you don’t at least understand that there could be some validity to the claims is a problem, either you are fool, in denial or you must be a racist attempting to hide it.  Last week in DC there was an event called the “Slut Walk” which was a rally against rape and male sexual aggression.  Now I have never been raped so it would be foolish of me to tell rape victims to get over it and you are not at a disadvantage socially due to your trauma in the past.  That is basically what people are telling minorities, “shut up about racism” it’s over with and we are all equal today…bologna.

Last weekend I attended the Big Cherry Block Party in Silver Spring, MD to hang out with the crew from Pinz-N-Needlez Tattoo shop while they performed body painting and interacted with former and future customers.  Take a look at the video from the day.

Body Painting @ Big Cherry Street Festival

Below you will find a reader’s email message and my response.  Please note that my response if just my opinion, I am not in any way a certified counseling professional.

“I enjoy reading your article.
I am currently dating a separated man who’s in the process of a divorce. (his wife filed) He has been separated from his wife for 10 months and we’ve been dating for 4 months. They both have a 5 year old they share custody with. I live 2 hours away and we see each other once a week. i do the driving to come see him mainly because i have family in his town and so i split my time between my family and him. The problem that i have is that sometimes his wife calls him at the last minute to watch their daughter and our date plans are cancelled. Because of this we either don’t see each other for weeks at a time or every once in a while i will go to his place and spend a few minutes with him and his daughter-we usually watch a disney movie. However, he is careful to not show me any affection when we are in front of his daughter. i understand, but when 1-2 weeks goes by without any type of affection or intimacy, it can be a bit frustrating-plus we only talk on the phone once a week. i mainly do the calling and he’s great with calling me back, but when i don’t call him, i usually dont hear from him. we’ve talked about it but he said there is not much he can do about it and that his daughter is his 1st priority-which i understand 100%. i have never been married nor have any children but would like to in the future,. he is a nice guy and a great father. i really like him, but am i wasting my time dating him? what are your thoughts on my situation? thanks”

I first thank you for reading my blog…

Now about this relationship situation.  Things are often very rough and unfamiliar with both parties after a break-up, especially if it was a significant relationship and children are involved.  I assume that your man friend and his ex were together for nearly 5 years if not longer.  I would bet that their relationship is not really “over” if you came into the picture six months after their break up. From my observations people’s emotions tend to fluctuate during the first 6-9 months after the termination of a lengthy relationship.  I have seen many people work things out after a separation of 2, 3, or 6 months and continue on as if nothing had happened.  It is very likely that his ex is still not yet comfortable with the idea of him becoming serious with another woman. If you are the first woman that the ex feels he is serious about she could be feeling a bit of jealousy, especially if she is not in a positive relationship.  And there is a possibility that during your time out of town one or both of the parties involved are making a move to get the other back, or at least one party may think there is hope.  Basically its going to be terribly difficult until both parties know for sure that their relationship is completely over. People are territorial, and she could be flexing what power she has (babysitting) in order to ruin his chances of getting with the next woman.  You never mentioned why she has to suddenly have him watch their child when you are in town so i don’t know if its a legitimate reason or if she is going out with her girlfriends on those nights. The only thing you can do is address the issue with your guy and give him some time (not much time) to work his plan.  If your man does not take action, then that’s all you should need to know…  But at the same time I will backtrack and say that if it was a particularly hard break up you may need to help your man figure out how to make your relationship work, I know from personal experience that after a break up from a long relationship it takes a while to adjust to single life.  My personal view (and what I chose to do) was to exclude myself from dating at all until I was 100% ready and completely sure I was over the ex.  Now it is too late for that in your case, but a step you can take before completely cutting ole boy off is stepping back and giving him time to work through things alone… if your relationship is meant to be he will work through things and get back to you better than ever. If he decided to go in a different direction when you step back then once again, what is meant to be will happen. The reality is that if you are only 6 months in, you have not wasted much time or energy if it does not work out.  Communication is key. Communicate every feeling you have about the situation in a calm and non-confrontational manner and then let the chips fall where they may.

You did say a few things that threw me for a loop though.  What type of relationship are you in if you can accept a lack of communication for weeks at a time, on top of a lack of physical contact when you do see your man?  What is this guy doing that is so important that he can’t ever call you?  Again, I say open two way communication is key.  This is a perfect opportunity for you to evaluate your relationship and decide if its as good as you may think.  This is an easy out for you if you think through your feelings and determine that this is not the type of relationship that makes you happy.

If you and your man are serious I think that you should be able to hug or kiss in front of the 5 year old after dating for 6 months.  The fact that he does not allow contact when his daughter is around leads me to believe that either he is being overly protective… or more likely he is trying to work out things with is ex (if he hasn’t already) and he doesn’t want his daughter to see him kissing his friend/cousin/sister/aunt/neighbor/ or what ever he told her you are.   But… at the same time, there is a fog that clouds the mind after a breakup, so perhaps he thinks its best that his daughter never see him touch a woman other than her mother, my response to that is that over time he will come to his senses and realize that he is taking things too far…(especially when he finds out that the mother is already living with another dude, and damn near engaged…LoL). Over time and maybe after a few failed relationships he will find an equilibrium.

What does all this mean?  Well it means that you are in a tough spot.  You are dealing with a man who is either confused and not yet adjusted to life after his long term (failed) relationship, or you are dealing with a dude who is using you to fill in the gaps until he gets back with his ex.  All I can say is that you have all the evidence before your eyes… evaluate it with your mind(not the emotions attached with dating for 6 months), and take appropriate action.

The answer to your last question is that unfortunately you won’t know if you are wasting your time, until the time has been wasted.  The only way to mitigate the risk of wasting time is to communicate openly now, and evaluate in the near term what happens.  If you see satisfactory progress you are free to determine how long to keep chugging along.  If you see stagnation then you should keep moving immediately.  The excuse that “my child comes first” is not acceptable in this situation where you are not asking him to not spend time with his child, and you are not distracting him from his child during scheduled visitation.  If he pays child support then she needs to spend some of that money on child care instead of taking his time… if he is trying to keep her happy so that she does not file for child support he is making the wrong move, because he can’t walk on eggshells forever and when she does file she will get a couple of years of back support anyway, so he is going to pay in time now and in money down the road.   Not that spending time with your child is ever a bad thing, but some parents use that “time with your child” as a weapon to punish and exercise power over their ex.

I wish you the best of luck,

The floor is open to other reader’s input.

J is for Junkie [Full Length] from Greedmont Park on Vimeo.

This video reminds me of so many things… the J’s (Junkies) in my family, Sun Valley Apartments in the 1980′s, the neighborhood I lived in during my college years, the grown men who I have seen “entertaining”(singing, dancing, etc.) dope boys hoping to score their next hit, the mechanic who rebuilt my car’s engine for about $100, that dude who tried to sell me a washer and dryer for $50, the lady who used to go door to door trying to sell used shoes for a couple dollars, the kid I went to high school with that I saw strung out… before we (I) graduated, the fights I witnessed over debts, that time my neighbors ran off someone who broke into my house in the middle of the night, the night I had $15,000 in my hands to “hold” for someone while they went to “take care of some business”, that time a friend of mine sat up all night dressed in black waiting for someone, the stories I was told about Techwood Homes, when the stories were verified by an independent third party years later, the police raid while i was sleeping, the cars, the bikes, the women, the strip clubs, the block parties,the food, the night clubs, the back woods car races for $20,000 a race,  the little shabby pickup truck that used to signal the end for the dealers who foolishly tried to make that sale to a stranger, that time I saw the police pull that guy through his car window in the parking lot of Albertson’s, my professor’s son who used to come to the hood to get his “party supplies”, the (Caucasian) state capital employees who used to come to the hood to score hits, The J who cut my grass for a bottle of white wine, then walked around the neighborhood drunk the rest of the day, the pictures of semi-nude women sent to dudes in jail, the homie who got 9 years (for conspiracy to distribute), the homie who got 25 to life(for a fistfight which happened to be his 3rd strike), the homie who was still on the run last I heard, the homie who was killed, the first time I saw someone whipping the work, the homie who got 2nd-3rd degree burns when the pyrex pot broke while he was cooking, the time the two guys were hiding behind trees at night waiting for someone, the guy in the neighborhood who was up in the tree with a video camera wearing camouflage…LoL, the time I was told to ride in the other car, the time in the restaurant when we didn’t have to pay, the time in the strip club when everybody had a good time, but none of the girls were paid in cash, the decision I made that allows me to have the career I have today, the other stuff that I can’t write on this blog…(and don’t ask about it)

I have never sold or used crack or any form of cocaine, but it has definitely affected my life in many ways.

Watch this video, spread the link… help get some exposure for this young videographer, so that he can bring us more food for thought.

Below are a few lessons I have learned during my journey through life to date… I just thought I’d take a moment to share.

1. Figure out what works, improve on it… Repeat

2. Figure out what doesn’t work and decide to stop doing those things or decide to fix the problem(s)… Repeat.

3. Learn from the mistakes of others…Don’t believe anyone who says that you can’t learn from someone who has never “done it” or has never “been there”.  The smartest people avoid pitfalls by observing others, the not so smart people want to learn everything from personal experience.

4.  Help everybody you can…especially if you don’t see how you will benefit from your work.

5. Trust (within reason) and respect everyone until they give you a reason not to… Trust & respect should  not to be earned, after all who are you again???  When doing business (and in personal relationships) with new partners you are both bringing something to the table and you must trust & respect each other mutually, neither person is in a position to grant any more respect or trust than the other.  It is your duty to research your partners in advance such that you weed out unsavory characters.

6. Respect other people’s time… If you are late you are sending the signal that your time is more important than theirs.  Don’t be late.

7. Be a mentor… someone you help will undoubtedly help others your actions will not be forgotten.

8. Gain an understanding of points of disagreement from the view of the other party.  You don’t have to agree with them to see it from their point of view.

9. Admit when you are wrong.

10. Talk to everyone… Treat everyone as if they are your next big business contact, because one day you will be correct.I learned this lesson the easy way, one of my biggest retail sales was made to a gentleman dressed in dirty, torn clothes who other sales people ignored.  Also I can’t stress how important connections made while traveling can be.  I have made many excellent contacts in airports and on airplanes.  People in airports have money and resources available to them, or else they would be on the bus.  Pay attention to what people are reading… spark a discussion and see where it takes you.

11. Nobody wants your business card unless they ask for it… Your goal during conversation should be to make the other person realize that they need to connect with you.  If you are not asked for a card, ask for theirs, or get their contact info… but don’t offer your card unless they ask.

12.  Always have business cards, even if you are unemployed have some professional cards pressed.  Always have business cards on your person.

13.  Whatever your industry, attend a convention… There is a reason that every industry has at least one convention per year… go… be active … network …eventually, become a presenter.

14. Never negotiate if you are not willing to walk away from the deal.  A person who “has to have it” is more likely to make a less than stellar deal, because of their desperation.

15.  Unless you are doing research or an interview avoid asking questions for which you don’t know the answer.  In most situations questions are a tool to find out how much others know, and who’s side they are on.

16. Never lose your cool.  Never show anger, and avoid showing fear as much as possible when doing business.  The cool head will prevail most of the time.  Anger causes poor decisions, and showing fear will cause you to be taken advantage of more easily.  It’s only business, no matter what happens there is always another path to success.

17.  Remember names… do whatever it takes to remember names, repeat it silently, write it down, type it in your phone… do whatever you need to do to remember names.

18. Make yourself critical to the success of others… “Have you ever had people fighting over you?… It sure feels good” – one of my favorite lines from Driving Ms. Daisy… and its true.  If you don’t have people begging you to stay or asking you to return, then you need to increase your level of service. Get this balance right and you can name your price.  Don’t try to win business by having the lowest price, instead have the best quality.  If you have the best quality people will pay a premium for your service or goods.  I have never done anything at the lowest price, but I have never had a problem getting business… Too many people refuse to believe this works, and they shoot themselves in the foot by low balling.  They are hurting themselves and others in their profession by giving customers the perception that a quality service/product can be had at bottom basement prices.

19. Keep fresh (live or cut) flowers in your place of business, especially if you host customers or business associates in your workplace.  Beautiful things put people in a good mood.   Orchids make good live flowers as they bloom for an extended period.

20. Forward this to everyone you think can benefit from it… Re-Tweet it, Post it on FaceBook, vote for it on Reddit,  and follow me on twitter @hispointofview

If you know me well, you know that there are a few things that I really enjoy consuming: fine chocolate, fine cheese, good wine, and excellent beer. My birthday was yesterday, and I can say that this entire weekend was dedicated to enjoying all four items listed above. I picked up four 8 oz. cheese slices this week and I have stared on two of them, Drunken Goat and Chimay Grand Cru.

First up is Drunken Goat, which is a Spanish goat cheese which was soaked in red wine for several days. I am no expert on cheeses but I know what I like… and I can say that the Drunken Goat goes well with both water crackers and crostini.  I preferred this cheese with the Cabernet just a bit more but it was still great with beer. I have read that olives are highly recommended with this cheese and I can’t wait to try it with olives and other Mediterranean foods.  I will definitely buy this cheese frequently if I can…word on the internet is that this cheese can be hard to find at times.

The Chimay Grand Cru is a little bit different. It is a semi-soft cheese with what I would classify as a slightly strong flavor. This is not a cheese I would recommend for a beginner, as the flavor is one that you may have to learn to appreciate. On my first taste I enjoyed this cheese but I also recognized the pungent aroma that would lead one to believe that the flavor will be stronger than it really is.  At first taste I don’t think a beginner would say it tastes “good” but if you are used to the wide range of flavors that cheeses offer you will probably enjoy this cheese.  I enjoyed this cheese much more with crostini and beer than I did with water crackers or wine.

Both of these cheeses were in the $10-16 per pound range at Whole Foods, an 8 oz. slice cost $6-8. I found that Liberty School Cabernet Sauvignon or a hoppy beer such as an IPA work well with these cheeses, primarily to clear the palate between cheeses but the flavor of your drink should also be as enjoyable as the cheeses you consume.  If you were wondering I have enjoyed both cheeses with the rind off so far, and I plan to try the last bits with the rind on just to get the full experience and I will pair them with what else, but a Chimay Beer.  Soon I will dive in to the next two cheeses… tune for details.

Oh, before I go…

Since I won’t write a separate post about it I must also mention Co Co. Sala, which is an establishment in DC that sells food, desserts, and drinks all with chocolate ingredients. I highly recommend the Chocolate Onyx… just go there and have one it’ll be the best way you can spend $10 legally.

While I am at it my birthday dinner at Cafe Atlantico was amazing.  I have heard about this restaurant, I have seen it on the Travel Channel and I am glad that I finally made it there to experience it for myself.  The food was absolutely great, I must repeat… The food was absolutely great… but the service was just ok when compared to other restaurants with similar pricing in the DC area.  I do not like to have my server hovering over my shoulder, but I do expect them to be attentive to all parties being served, not just half of the table.  The only other negative comment I have is that the dessert menu was not impressive, it did not come close to meeting my expectations after such a great meal.  I have been known to use the dessert menu to determine whether I will have dinner at an establishment or not, but I do have to thank them because I would have not gone to CoCo. Sala if the dessert menu at Cafe Atlantico had been adequate.  Having said that, I must go back to experience Minibar @ Cafe Atlantico, as I was seated right next to it and I got to see the patrons and their enjoyment of the 30+ course meals they watched being created before their eyes.  If you don’t know about Minibar check out the episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations when the show visited Minibar… and also this video I found on youtube MiniBar

Why do you have a job? That is the question I posed to people I was having dinner with recently.

Both of the people I dined with were young graduate degree holders.  Both of them expressed disappointment with their current employment situation.  So I wondered why they were not taking advantage of their education and the current economic/political climate to start some venture of their own, even if it does not mean immediately quitting their day jobs.  Well at least one of the people at the table reminded me of the classic response, which is fear.  I wonder though, what are most people afraid of?  Afraid of failure?  Afraid of hard work?  Afraid of the unknown?  There could be a dozen things one could be afraid of, but I don’t understand the fear when you have nothing to lose.  Starting a business does not mean large expenditures or quitting your current job with no reliable income.  The only thing there is to sacrifice is your “free time” (if you are not happy with your position in life and successful, by your own definition of the word…you really should not have any “free time”)and a couple hundred dollars in filing fees.  Since I started my own company the amount of personal leisure time that I have has dramatically decreased, but in only a few months I have turned the corner and I can see the light and the light looks good.  Being an entrepreneur is by far one of the most rewarding journeys I have begun.  I look forward to the day when I am no longer an employee and I am rewarded solely based on my skill and hard work.

College education is surely a major factor in the lack of entrepreneurial spirit in recent generations.

Think about it, in the past when the majority of US citizens barely had a high school education practically everyone owned a business or they worked for a family member who did own a business.  As college educations become more common the idea of dedicating your life to working for someone else has also become more common.  Colleges today train us to have a corporate mentality, it prepares us to work for a company that is going to assign us an employee ID number.   Gone are the days when college was about training students to think critically and grow into a free thinking individual.  Today college seems to be high school 2.0. What high school 2.0 means is that they now have mandatory attendance, classwork, homework, assigned seating, etc.  Based on stories from my parents and what I have learned from media produced 20 or 30 years ago, college was not always like a big high school.  There used to be a time when you were personally responsible for your success of failure; if you didn’t want to go to class that was fine, there was no homework that was graded, there were no campus curfews, etc.  It seems to me that many colleges today are not allowing students the freedom and lack of structure required to discover or to develop their creativity.  You can’t teach creativity, but you can definitely stifle its development when you remove the ability to take classes outside of the required curriculum for your chosen degree, and when you grade based upon following a prescribed methodology, instead of letting students find their own methodology to solve the problem.  See that to me is the difference between college today and how it was when my parents were students.  Back then students were given theory, and a problem and told to find the solution, now students are given procedures, and a problem and told to find the solution by memorizing and following the procedures.  According to my father, who holds a Master’s Degree, a Ph.d, and a Juris Doctorate Degree; when he was in college they were not graded on homework, classwork, and such; as I was… rather they were graded on the exams taken and the papers they wrote, there was no mandatory attendance, but you were simply responsible for obtaining the knowledge you needed for success.  I can even see how the system tightened its belt while I was in college, as I made my way through college, both the school and  the state (Florida) passed legislation which made it more difficult to take elective courses outside of your major course of study.  I understand that some people abuse the system by taking an excessive number of electives.  I found myself frustrated when I wanted to enroll in an elective course and found it open only to those in a certain major.  What happened to the days my parents spoke of when they talk about all the electives they took that were wildly unrelated to their major?  I can say that my elective courses gave me more of the world, and opened my eyes to things in ways that my Computer Information Systems, and Engineering courses never could have.  You may ask how I got into discussing college education, and I will close the loop by re-emphasizing my earlier statement, the highly regimented lifestyle of current collegiate institutions is nothing more than high school 2.0, without the freedom to become responsible for your own education and your own future and the ability to learn things outside of your major course of study you are just another student ID matriculating into a role where you are just another empl ID.  Sure, freedom means that more people will fail due to lack of self control, but those are the same people who will either mature later and resume their education, or they will go into the workforce and become that below average employee who we all hate to interact with.

Perhaps the extremely high student loan debt accrued by students today is partly to blame.

Our parents’ generation were able to weasel out of paying a lot of their student loan debt because the laws were more relaxed, I think in many cases if you didn’t repay after 7 or 10 years nothing happened, but today credit scores are ruined, law suits are filed, and you can go to jail if you don’t repay your loans in full.  On top of that, public colleges are charging rates in the range of $100-200 per credit hour for in state students and $500-700 per hour for out of state students.  It is easy to graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree and a bonus of $30,000-50,000 in debt.  With that type of debt, and only six months to begin repayment students don’t have time to start a business from the ground.   The smart kids will start their business during their junior or senior year, and hopefully by graduation they will be profitable, I only wish I had such forethought when I was 21-22 years old.  The other solution is that student loans have a 12-18 month grace period before re-payments begin.  With a year or more to float it gives graduates enough time to try their hand at entrepreneurship, and if they are not quite profitable after a year they have another six months to find a job to supplement their business revenue.

Every college should have a freshman level class which teaches all the basic skills required to run a small business.

Practical knowledge such as basic book keeping, human resource management,  invoicing, supply chain management, and some basic business legal contracts.  If colleges really want to produce a well rounded product… I meant student, they should teach a bit less of “How to work for someone else” and a little more entrepreneurship.  That is of course in addition to more flexibility in elective courses and personal responsibility for each student’s own success.  Even though past generations attended college their entrepreneurial spirit was not killed, there is something going on in higher education today that is stripping students of their desire to go forth and create.  Many of the companies we feign to work for were created by either  college degree holders of our parents’ generation or college dropouts from  my own generation.  For some reason the major success stories of my generation have been  made by those who dropped out or never went to college at all.  This furthers my case that college has to play a major role in our dependency on employers.

What do you think is the reason that college graduates for the late 1970′s generations and younger are hesitant to venture out on their own?

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I have been on a number of dates with a variety of women. I have noticed that there are a few things that any woman, no matter how intelligent, beautiful, or sexy can do that will completely remove her from the list of contenders. One of the biggest turn offs for many men is a woman who focuses on what she doesn’t want or what she doesn’t do. There is a difference in being open and being unreasonable. Telling a man the list of things you are not willing to do is not attractive. If you don’t cook, don’t clean, don’t do laundry, don’t perform oral sex, or don’t do dishes that’s all fine and dandy, but I am almost certain that you would get much farther if you simply kept all of that to yourself. If you are communicating effectively there will be ample time to communicate your desires and your dislikes through a thing called conversation. There will also be plenty of time to observe the actions of the person you are dating, these observations will either tell you all you need to know, or provide the trigger for the necessary focused questions. There is rarely ever a reason to announce what one will or won’t do, the saying “actions speak louder than words” is the truth. In other words; don’t talk about it, be about it.

When I hear a woman run down the list of what she is not willing to do only a couple things come to mind. Thought #1 she is lying to me(for any number of reasons.) Thought #2 If she doesn’t do all of those things then I don’t need to be with her… because those are the things I am looking for. Thought #3 She thinks she is slick… she is trying to sell me on all the things she does not do but still (try to) require that I provide a whole list of things to her, while she kicks back and gets a free ride.  In essence #3 is setting the bar of what the man should expect from her very low intentionally, so that she can always say later in the relationship that she told the guy up front that she does not do x,y or z.  I have heard the argument that some of the people who feel the need to advertise what they don’t want, or what they won’t do are attempting to be up front about their needs and desires. I disagree, well let me say this to be more clear. If you think this method of being up front is effective, you have a lot to learn about human interactions. The majority of the people who act in this manner are attempting to manipulate the person sitting across the table in one way or another.

No matter if my thoughts listed above are correct or not, I am pretty certain that we will all get farther along in relationships if we focus more on what we want, what we can do, and what we will do instead of what we won’t do, and what we don’t want. I do believe that what we focus on becomes what we see. If we constantly obsess over the possibility that our mate could possibly be cheating then everything becomes a sign of infidelity. If we think that everyone of the opposite sex it out to use each other for money or sex, then everything becomes a sign of that. So why don’t we simply chose to focus on what we want and what we are willing to provide?

Let me know what you think by leaving a comment and if you like what you read here (or even if you really really hate it) send your friends a link to this article so we can get their input as well. Copy this link and paste it into your FaceBook and Twitter update bar and press send –>  http://wp.me/pwPxW-tQ

I have been asked on many occasions why I don’t talk to, or try to connect with more women; or if I am out with friends it may be why I did not try to “holla at” a certain woman.  My simple answer is that it has to be about more than just looks.  Its not that I am shy or extremely afraid of rejection.  Its just that at the end of the day I have to have a reason to speak to a woman, other than the fact that I find her attractive.  Inevitably if you do connect with someone the conversation arises that goes something like this, “So what was it that made you want to speak to me?” And I refuse to honestly answer that question by saying that it was because you were “hot”, “sexy”, “cute” or whatever word you prefer.  I see gorgeous women every few minutes or every day, if I based my decision on who to connect with based on looks when would I have time to work, eat, or sleep?

Having said that, it does not have to be a big deal. I have found the simplest things to spark a conversation, it could be the food or drink she is having, a portion of a conversation overheard, or something gleaned from her or her friends’ possessions.   My take is that its not rocket science, people who are attracted to each other tend to notice each other or the reason for the connection is obvious to at least one party.  If there is nothing speaking to you about a person, then its probably not the right time or it may not be the right person for you to connect with.

Am I from another planet or do you understand?

The next product up is Ty.  Which is a neat little wireless personal loss prevention device that alerts you when separated from something you value, such as your wallet, iPad, or your purse.  This only works assuming that your cellular phone is not attached or inside of the item you value.  The two problems I have with this product are #1 smart phone battery life is terrible, therefore I try to keep as many services turned off as I possibly can (i.e. bluetooth & wifi).   Problem #2 I need the tagging device to be small enough to be hidden or installed inside the body of my electronics, such as my digital camera or HD video camera.  Along those same lines comes the power issue, I am pretty sure the Ty tag requires power since it is a wireless device, if I do figure out how to hide it inside my device, it would be a pain to take it out and change the battery or to turn the tag off/on.  This product is still great as it is, but for me to really take advantage of it, at least one of the two problems I identified has to be overcome.  Perhaps Ty needs to work with manufacturers such as Nikon and Canon to integrate their product into digital device bodies.

Check out their site, by clicking here after you check out my video or enter this into your browser http://www.tytogether.com/