Hitting On Girls in Bookstores

City of Bones - a review (kind of)

2012-01-27T04:22:00.000-08:00

City of Bones - Cassandra Clare - 496 pages

What's this? A book with vampires and angels and werewolves and flyin' freakin' motorcycles? Sure. Sign me up I said. I don't care that the main character is a girl who has the whole love triangle with her male best friend and a blond haired dude thing going on. Sure, keep recommending this to me, Goodreads, Amazon, everyone else; I'm so sure I'll like this (insert eye roll).

Simon. The best friend.

Clary Fray is the one with the love triangle. Jace Wayland is the one blond hair. And Simon is her nerdy best friend (think Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles).

Lame Plot Breakdown that is Completely Unnecessary Because Everyone Else Has Already Read This: Clary finds out that angels do exist and so do all those other fairy tale creatures. She's out to rescue her kidnapped mother and there are demons and guys without eyes along the way (there's also this whole racist "angels are better than demons" thing going on the entire time but who cares when you HAVE FLYIN' FREAKIN' MOTORCYCLES!?).

"You named me Randy Giles!?"

After reading this book (it took one day) I did a Google search. I knew that this--book one of the Mortal Instruments series--had a large fan base. After I did a little searching around something stuck out in my mind: the comparisons to Twilight. Can I ask why? Why is this book being compared to Edward and Bella and their half-human half-vampire spawn child thing?

Comparing City of Bones to Twilight is like comparing apple sauce to pudding; sure they're both mushy and both are eaten when sick; but the taste is different, the texture, the variety. So if Twilight is apple sauce (plain and boring) than City of Bones is Jell-O Pudding (the S'mores kind).

If we're going to compare City of Bones to anything it has to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Snarky vampires who ride motorcycles, a blond sarcastic guy, a female lead character with a penchant for getting in trouble, and demons? How has this comparison not been made yet?

The thing that I liked most about this book is that it doesn't try to hard. The humor is there, the plot is there (which the characters kind of poke fun at), and the rapid pace story is there. It's a good quick read. I'm not obsessed with it, I don't plan on being obsessed with it, but I can understand the obsession with it.

I think that's a compliment.

Emma: The End

2012-01-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: Done
Sanity Level: Insane
Update: I'm done.

Nope. Not just with Emma. The ENTIRE Jane Austen challenge. Let me breakdown Emma's plot:

Strong Female Lead not looking for love meets a guy.
Everyone plays cards.
Strong Female Lead's BFF/Sister meets a guy.
Everyone goes for a walk.
BFF/Sister gets heart broken.
Everyone plays cards.
Everyone speculates on their "friends" relationships--while playing cards.
Someone gets sick/is bed ridden.
Strong Female Lead falls in love with male character she met within the first few chapters.
Everyone plays cards.
BFF/Sister falls in love.
Everyone has sexy time.
The end.

Oh wait. That's the plot to Pride & Prejudice. No wait. That's Sense & Sensibility. Noooo. It's Emma. And I'm quiet certain that that's what happens in The Book That Won't Be Named Park but I can't tell because it's a pile of word vomit and I don't know how to read word vomit.

The reason why I can't do anymore Austen is because I'm reading the same book over and over again. The only difference is character names and locations. Elizabeth Bennet is Elinor Dashwood is Emma Woodhouse. The equation is that simple. I'm not willing to venture further into Jane Austen's works. I am extremely, extremely bored with this entire venture.

My sister said it best the other day: "You look bored and really agitated." I am bored. I am agitated.

Maybe a break is in order. I still have Persuasion and Northanger Abbey left. I'd be willing to give those two a go in several months. But for now I need a break. I need to get on my TBR pile (because it's growing) and get back to something that isn't Regency era spiel.

With two more books to go I'm calling it quits. I'm tapping out. Zombie Austen wins. For now.

This is how I feel right now.

Emma: Get Down With the Sickness

2012-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 9 - 18
Sanity Level: Whatever! As if!
Update: Jane Austen is a bit of a hack.

I don't mean a hack hack, like in the sense of George Lucas*. I mean more like she uses certain plot devices over and over again. She's much more Agatha Christie and a lot less Charlotte Brontë than she's made out to be.

She's a hack in the way that Hey! Nothing has happened these past 100 pages... I'll make a character sick and bed ridden! Because you know, she has to have everyone sit around and play cards and do absolutely nothing for 100 pages and that's her only way out of that rut.

Harriet Smith is now sick. Just like how Marianne Dashwood (Sense & Sensibility), Jane Bennet (Pride & Prejudice), and Tom Whatever (The Book That Will Not Be Named Park) were sick.

Besides ~~Brittany Murphy~~ Harriet Smith being sick I have one other thing to talk about: Emma's attitude. If Emma were a real person I would've already removed her from my dating pool; that's right, I would ignore her. I don't care how handsome and pretty Emma Woodhouse is made out to be: she's a complete tool.

She's a tool in the sense that she thinks no one is good enough for her. That no man can meet her level of expectations. This lady is smug and I use the term lady lightly. There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Neil Patrick Harris explains The Emma Woodhouse Situation perfectly.

Emma, unfortunately, falls into the red zone on the chart. She's essentially not worth the trouble no matter how pretty she is. Harriet Smith? Perfectly acceptable. Hell, we could throw Mr. Woodhouse on there and he falls far outside of the red zone.

Emma is in good company, though. She's up in that red zone with EVERYONE from The Book That Will Not Be Named Park.

*Post prequel trilogy.

Tune in Tuesday (2)

2012-01-24T03:42:00.000-08:00

Tune in Tuesday is hosted by Ginger at GReads.

Since I've been neglecting my friends, my work, and just about everyone else to read Jane Austen this month I thought it would be pertinent to pick a feel good song about "back stabbing every single one of my friends". Enter Relient K's This Week the Trend.

And since Mansfield Park is about a love triangle (of sorts) and adultery; I thought I'd just go ahead and throw out a song that I think fits the book. That'd be His Girl Friday by The Academy Is...

A song about cheating has never sounded so neat. Mansfield Park is still a bore, though.

Emma: The Felicity-less Report

2012-01-23T07:03:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 1-8
Sanity Level: Completely Clueless
Update: Having a day off makes a difference.

It also hinders my progress. I read 50 pages of Emma yesterday. I'm faltering because I went to film an In My Mailbox vlog and saw all the wonderful books pouring in begging to be read.

I also have eight days left to read the three remaining Jane Austen novels. Thankfully I have nothing better to do with my time but read the rest of the novels (this is in no way a shock to me). Anyways.

Duuuude. Emma, is like, totally hot.

If you've seen the movie Clueless then you know the premise of Emma; Clueless is based on Emma. So naturally I keep imaging Alicia Silverstone dressed as Batgirl as Emma. And her best friend--the unattractive Harriet Smith--she's trying to hookup with Mr. Elton is Brittany Murphy (insert the all too soon zombie joke here).

See, Emma Woodhouse never wants to fall in love; she's a rich girl and her life is perfect as is. She spends all her time making other people fall in love; hooking them up with their significant others. She's quite good at it as her neighbors the Knightleys attest (Isabella Knightley is Emma's older sister and the other Knightley is her brother-in-law; I will forget this after another 50 pages of reading because everyone is Mr. This or Mrs. That or Miss This. Fuck having first names, right?).

Harriet has already had one proposal after arriving as the new girl in town. From a Mr. Martin. Emma talks Harriet out of accepting his proposal because Mr. Martin is so gross. I'm imaging Mr. Martin as the stoner dude from the movie Clueless. She then goes on to paint a portrait of Harriet for Elton. Elton is taking the portrait to London to get it framed.

That's not odd at all. It is completely normal to commission a painting of a girl you just met and hang it in your home. It's also completely normal for me to use the word felicity in conversation and get blank stares these days. Thanks a lot, Jane Austen. Thanks.

Mansfield Park: The Charlie Sheen Chronicles Part III

2012-01-20T03:24:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 24 - "I'M DONE!"
Sanity Level: Relieved
Update: Ding dong the Park is dead. Which old Park!? Mansfield Park!

Does anyone remember that episode of Seinfeld where the crew talks about being "master of their own domain"? There's a moment (about an hour after the bet is made) that Kramer slides into Jerry's apartment and slams his money down on the counter and states "I'm out!"

Kramer just gave up. He quit. He couldn't do it. Err, or in this case, not not do it. I had that moment yesterday with Mansfield Park. I put the book down without a bookmark in it, gave it a glance, and didn't even think "Gee. I'll have to find my page again." At that point I knew I wasn't going to pick it back up.

I had about 80 pages left. I am not disappointed with my choice to give in. I am relieved.

I would like to think that I have a great love of books and great literature; but thankfully Mansfield Park is not considered great so I am still in good standing there. Now about the Park...

Mansfield Park is a conversation about the Regency era. I suppose that's why so many people hate it and that's why my connection to it has been strained; this is a book not relevant to today. We can take Pride & Prejudice and move it into the 21st century and talk about its themes of a love-hate relationship; I can take Sense & Sensibility and compare it to Daria and have a dialogue about raw emotion versus cold logic. I cannot do that with Mansfield Park; it is better left in the past.

I spent the entirety of this novel trying to figure out what it was about; I claim--as I have previously--that this is a book about nothing. I think that is the best compliment that I can pay it. I'm going on the assertion that Jane Austen herself was looking at the upper echelon of society (much as Fanny Price was doing) and saying to herself: there is absolutely nothing going on here.

It's why the characters speak so much about one another. It's why they put on a play that has no point. It's why they go for a long walk in the park; these people are a tragic bore and Austen knew it. It just took me 400 pages and shouting "I'm out!" to get it.

Side Notes: "I'm out!"

Mansfield Park: The Charlie Sheen Chronicles Part II

2012-01-19T04:25:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 13 - 24
Sanity Level: Peeta Post-Catching Fire
Update: There must be some kind of way out of here.

I really need to escape Mansfield Park. Quickly. I sat and read for forever yesterday and have nothing to talk about today. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Where's the adultery I've been promised? Why is everyone having long drawn out conversations and not actually doing anything? WHERE IS MY ~~VICTORIAN~~ REGENCY ERA SEX?!

Alright. I take that back. Sir Thomas has been out and about for a while so his kids of Mansfield decide to throw a play in his billiard room. He shows up. They get in trouble. The end.

It's a show about nothing!

100 pages and that's all that's happened? Yes.* I'm getting that the main character--Fanny Price--is a bit stuck up in her own ways; but what I'm not getting is why this is a book about nothing.

You know how when somebody says "Gee. Your car has a small oil leak" and you ignore them and say "Well, that doesn't really matter, I'll get it fixed next week." But you never do. You wait until it gushes out and becomes a serious problem because you figure it'd never turn into a major catastrophe? That's kind of like how I ignored everyone on Mansfield Park. Oh it can't be that bad. I lamented. Oh it's worse.

The absolute best part of this experience has been me reading Mansfield Park and watching a box of books (good books!) show up on my doorstep. I in no way want to claw my eyes out scream bloody murder over the fact that I will not be reading The Fault in Our Stars until February.

I have 13 days of this challenge left. If Emma isn't as delightful as everyone says it is I might give up.**

*There's a 20 page argument on what play they should perform.
**But I won't. I stick to commitments like how Predator hunts Schwarzenegger; with diligence and the desire to shoot things with lasers.
Side Note: When Sir Thomas comes back he is nicer to Fanny. He thinks she's grown into a delightful young woman who is very pretty. Which isn't creepy, because, ya know, Sir Thomas is her uncle and Fanny is in love with Edmund who is Tommy Boy's son and her cousin. Completely normal, those Regency Era folks.
Edited Post: Austen wrote during the Regency Era, not the Victorian Era. This is apparently a common misconception. Mad props to Elizabeth Fama for pointing this out.

Mansfield Park: The Charlie Sheen Chronicles Part I

2012-01-18T03:20:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 1 - 12

Sanity Level: Charlie Sheen

Update: Is it over yet?

Not the challenge. This book. I'm aware that it's hated by a majority of Austen fans. I was hoping--oh I was hoping--that I'd be different. Nope. At one point I snapped and threw the book across the room:

It was Fanny's first ball, though without the preparation or splendour of many a young lady's first ball, being the thought only of the afternoon, built on the late acquisition of a violin player in the servants' hall, and the possibility of raising five couple with the help of Mrs. Grant and a new intimate friend of Mr. Bertram's just arrived on a visit.

I've gone insane.

I am all for a 62 word sentence with four commas when it's well written. This isn't the case. It keeps happening over and over again. It's like Austen said "Hehe. I think I'll make this novel long and boring; just like a walk in the park."

The first few chapters had Austen introducing character after character and I couldn't keep up. Introductions would be made, the character would disappear for several long and boring chapters, and then reappear later. Which is fine with a modern novel; not so much with a Victorian one that I have to sit and decode.

EXTREME PLOT BREAKDOWN THAT IS REALLY EXTREME AND EXCITING DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE PRONE TO HEART ATTACKS OR FAINTING SPELLS:
Edmund and Fanny have talked about horses and walks in the park; others have joined them. Edmund and Fanny have grown up together. Edmund is currently flirting with other girls as far as I can tell (the wording of this novel keeps throwing me off as to what is actually happening) and Fanny is getting jealous.

Edmund cares a lot for Fanny while others do not. It is plainly stated by a Mrs. Bertram that Their rank, fortune, rights, and expectations will always be different. (Don't listen to Mrs. Bertram. She carries around a little puggle dog like Paris Hilton. She's also a rich snob and Edmund's mother. So, yeah, I keep picturing her as Paris Hilton.)

It's clear that Edmund and Fanny are destined to fall in love even though the--get this--the odds are against them. Because no couple ever in a Jane Austen novel ever had the odds against them.

I am having a lot of trouble determining what this one is about. Is it about Edmund going into the clergy? Is it about children (there's a lot)? Is it about adultery as the back cover suggests? I'm going to cut out my crankiness, grit my teeth, and just bare this one for a bit more.

Pride & Prejudice: Come at me Bro!

2012-01-17T05:42:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 22 - 61
Sanity Level: Gone like yesterday.
Update: Instead of "intelligence" can we just call it what it is? Gossip.

Their visit to Mrs. Phillips were now productive of the most interesting intelligence.

I've never watched Gossip Girl but I'm thinking the basis for those books/TV show might be Jane Austen's works. It's a bunch of Victorian he-said-she-said conjecture, after all. Even the grown men (except Darcy) fall into the trap of being a prissy 13-year-old girl on her cell phone talking about last night's make out party.

I also missed something on my initial read of this book (because I've only read it a dozen times). It made me think differently of Elizabeth Bennet:

..."Will you tell me how long you have loved him?"

"It has been coming on so gradually that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds at Pemberley."

Wait. Hold up. Either you like the man because he keeps a clean garden or you like the man because his house is huge. I think it's the latter. Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke, broke.

This time around I am astounded to realize that Darcy and Bingley are both bros. No. Not related. They're bros. Brahs. They spend a majority of the first half of the book talking about what girls they thought were hot and dismissing the ones that aren't. Bingley even throws parties so he can dance with all the young ladies. Darcy at one point talks to Bingley at a ball in Meryton:

“Which do you mean?” and turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said, “She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.”

Let me get my bullshit translator out:

"Which chick, bro?" and turning around he looked at Elizabeth for a moment, caught her looking at him (going to the gym was starting to pay off, his triceps were huge!), turned back to Bingley and said flatly, "No way bro; she's not pretty enough for me; and I'm not in a good mood anyways because all these girls here are bitches of a lower order. You should go try to tap that Jane chick. Later bro."

And I'm suppose to think that Darcy is some redeemable character because he helped out Elizabeth's sister Lydia, forgave Wickham, and hooked Bingley and Jane back up?

No. No, no, no, no, no. Darcy does not deserve forgiveness. He only changed so he could get Elizabeth. Which a worthy cause, is not a real reason to change.

To quote Fall Out Boy: seasons change, people don't. Mr. Darcy changed so he could get something. That means his change is temporary. It also means that he only--as most bros would admit--wanted what he couldn't have. Elizabeth.

Maybe it's because it's early. Maybe it's because I'm already tired of this challenge. But damn it, this one just made me surly.

Tune in Tuesday (1)

2012-01-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

Tune in Tuesday is hosted by Ginger at GReads.

There is a point where Jane Austen starts to bleed over into other areas of my life. This happened last night while I listened to my iPod on random. The following is Anberlin's Impossible.

For some odd reason I have no problem thinking of Mr. Darcy singing this straight to Elizabeth Bennet's face, grabbing her by her shirt, and saying "Take what you want from me!" Considering Mr. Darcy proposed marriage before Elizabeth even realized she loved the man.

And if Darcy gets his own song to sing to Elizabeth then clearly she needs one as well. I think that's Obvious by Hey Monday. If anything her sisters can makeup the rest of the band.

Pride & Prejudice: The Super Friends Edition

2012-01-16T05:35:00.000-08:00

"Lady Catherine has never been
averse to the truly humble."

Chapters Read: 1- 21
Sanity Level: Gone like a freight train.
Update: This book has been discussed to death.

It's no wonder that while I'm sitting around my apartment and reading P&P that I keep thinking of other things. Like how Mr. Collins would be perfectly portrayed by Napoleon Dynamite. Or that maybe Batman was based partly on Mr. Darcy.

Let's observe: Mr. Darcy's parents are dead. Batman's parents are dead. Mr. Darcy and Batman both have large fortunes that allow them to move freely through society. Mr. Darcy clearly shows no emotion in the real world and carries with him an air of just not giving a damn; Bruce Wayne does the same (playing a millionaire playboy who doesn't give a flying frak is the perfect cover, after all).

Forget rewriting this book with zombies in it, or Mr. Darcy as a vampire, or a unicorn rider or whatever the heck people are doing with the story these days; it is so clear that we need a DC Universe Jane Austen mashup. Elizabeth Bennet would play the perfect Catwoman to Darcy's Batman. The relationship dynamic is the same. Bingley? Clearly the friendship that him and Darcy share is that of Batman and Robin.

But this is where my head goes because I've read this one before. I've seen this one before. I read it in high school, college, post college; it's one of those books that you just pick up and read every once and a while, but not really out of choice. It's because it's familiar and comfortable and you're so bored with everything else. The romance is there. The ridiculous nature of the entire cast of characters is there. It's comfort reading.

If I do have one observation so far it's that Elizabeth Bennet is Elinor Dashwood. That the central characters of two separate novels are essentially the same in body and spirit does not surprise me; what's surprising me is that I'm starting to think that this is how Austen saw herself. The level headed girl that isn't out for romance but finds it anyways. But then again I've also noticed that Mrs. Jennings and Mrs. Bennet are the same character. So maybe Austen thought her mom was a nosy bitch.

I don't know. I'm really out of ideas on this one.

Sense & Sensibility: Everyone is a Cartoon Character

2012-01-12T01:56:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 35- 50
Sanity Level: Gary Busey Light
Update: I said "Screw you Jane Austen. I'm finishing this book tonight."

When we last left off Elinor & Co were about to have dinner with Edward's mom. Edward's not there but it's awkward. Edward's mom (who in my mind looks like the old lady from Poltergeist) makes it abundantly clear that she does not like Elinor or Marianne (this is--seriously--the part where Marianne cries AGAIN). She does, however, love Ed's secret fiance Lucy Steele.

It turns out not to matter what Ed's mom thinks: everyone finds out about Lucy Steele and Her Secret Engagement* and Ed's mom disapproves so much that she disowns him.

It's now clear to Elinor that Colonel Brandon does indeed love Marianne. Oh Marianne, she's done nothing but cry the entire book. Between chapters 37 and 48 she is fairly sick and bed ridden (poor her). I lost sympathy for Marianne after chapter 20. She's like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh "Nobody cares. Nobody listens. Boo hoo."

Her sickness prompts a visit from Colonel Brandon. He decides to give Edward and his wife a rectory. That is not 19th century for ass kicking. That's 19th century for "Here. Take this old church I have and fix it up!"

Not. So. Quick. It turns out Edward has a brother named Robert. Robert has met Elinor and Marianne before. I just never thought anything of it because, ya know, Austen made him a nameless character talking about toothpicks and gardens, my two least favorite subjects**.

Elinor or Squidward? I can't tell.

It turns out Lucy has fallen out of love with Edward and he feels the same way. Elinor finds this out and cries tears of joy. Which is the only real emotion she's expressed the ENTIRE novel. Since I've made Marianne Eeyore; I'm making Elinor Squidward.

Well, Ed shows up and proposes and Elinor accepts. Colonel Brandon (in the last chapter) proposes to Marianne or something. Will Bow Bow is back on good terms with everyone. The Dashwood Sisters are happy and in love and everything is right in the world again.

I am so glad to be done with this one and onto the next (Pride & Prejudice). The entire book is full of speculation on relationships between characters, characters talking about other characters, what happened at the character's party last night, here say, rumors, tiny amounts of sexual tension, and not enough sex.

Tomorrow will bring Sense & Sensibility: A Critical Breakdown.

*This is the name of my band's first CD.
**The third being guys who give other guys churches.
Side Note: Plump Mrs. Jennings, Margaret (the third sister), Mrs. Dashwood, Sir John "Creepy Van", Mrs. Palmer, Lucy's sister; are all ignored by me in this posting because they just don't matter. In high school you have the popular crowd. You have the popular girl everyone knows, the popular girl's best friend, the popular girl's boyfriend, the popular girl's best friend's boyfriend, and then the rest of the crew. These people? They're the rest of the crew and no one cares.

Sense & Sensibility: The "With Friends Like These" Edition

2012-01-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 31 - 34
Sanity Level: Gary Busey
Update: So much information in this book is distilled from various sources and given to a main character in the following formula: "I heard someone talking about it" + "I suspected it" = "It's totally true!" I've never wanted to punch every character in a book in the face but here we are.

The Dashwood sisters have not left London and are still with Plump Mrs. Jennings. Which is all fine by Colonel Brandon because he shows up to tell Elinor his back history. It's kind of like the mid-beginning point in Jurassic Park where George Hammond explains how the dinosaurs are made and how they won't rip off the faces of visitors.*

So anyways. Colonel Brandon explains Will Bow Bow's history to Elinor to tell Marianne to cheer her up. But that isn't exactly what happens. We find out more about Colonel Brandon than we do Will Bow Bow. To sum up four pages of back story: Colonel Brandon was in love with his childhood friend (awww) who was married off to his brother (ouch) and Marianne reminds him of her. To sum up what we find out about Will Bow Bow: he's a man-whore.

To sum up my summary of the already summarized summary above: it would appear that Colonel Brandon is telling Elinor a sob story to get into her panties.

From a night of more sleep than she had expected, Marianne awoke the next morning to the same consciousness of misery in which she had closed her eyes.

Yeah, Marianne is still Stephanie on Full House. If she does not stop crying, does not stop whining, then I might have to pretend she doesn't exist; just like how Austen pretends that Margaret (the third Dashwood sister in this book) doesn't exist.

Marianne has finally figured out that Mrs. Jennings only keeps her around because she's a source of drama. Mrs. Jennings reminds me of a few people I know. Good to know these people were mucking about in the 19th century.

There's also a part where the Dashwood Sisters run into their brother John Dashwood. He figures out fairly quick that Colonel Brandon likes Elinor and not Marianne. So I'm left wondering when Elinor (even after being told) will realize that Brandon likes her. It's been obvious the ENTIRE book. Which is why it's a shock to find out that he likes Marianne, because I didn't believe it.

Elinor & Co. are invited to dinner by John Dashwood at Edward's mother's house and she worries that she might run into Edward. Which raises the question of WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN GO? I've known people to worry that they might run into so-and-so at a party and I always scream back at them the only common sense solution: DON'T GO.

Drama is so easy to avoid, but no one in this book wants to avoid it.

*Maybe I'm only thinking of Jurassic Park because I keep imagining Colonel Brandon as John "no expense spared" Hammond. The same actor also played Santa Claus in Miracle on 34th Street but that's irrelevant to this book (so far).

Sense & Sensibility: Un-Engage!

2012-01-09T01:49:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 27 - 30
Sanity Level: On the edge.
Update: The great news is that I'm further ahead in this little project then I thought I would be. The bad news is that I am behind in blog posts.

So Elinor and Marianne are at a party being thrown by their cousin Sir "Van Without Windows Owner" John when they spot Will Bow Bow. Will Bow Bow is talking to another woman. Marianne approaches him and is all like "What up? How come you didn't come talk to me, give me a hug or a kiss? And who is this skank in a muslin dress?"

Well, Will Bow Bow kind of runs off after giving a hasty explanation. He then--and this pisses me off--sends Marianne the modern equivalent of a text message to break up with her; he writes her a short letter. He's engaged to another woman. Here Marianne thought she was his one and only.

So everyone, including Plump Mrs. Jennings, is talking about how much of a douche Will Bow Bow is and how he's just marrying this chick for money because Marianne doesn't have any and this other chick is loaded like Lindsay Lohan.*

What does all this mean for Mary? She cries more. Runs out of more rooms like Stephanie on Full House. And decides to leave London with Elinor; she was only there to see Will Bow Bow.

Oh and Colonel Brandon likes Mary. I didn't see that one coming but then again all the older dudes seem to be wanting the young ladies.

Can anyone else imagine Marianne's Facebook page at this point in time? She's a bit of a drama queen so you know she'd be the one to update her relationship status consistently without hiding it in her feed. I think it would read something like this:

Marianne Dashwood is... single.
... in a relationship.
... it's complicated.
... in an open relationship.
... is engaged to Will Bow Bow.
... is single.

Her relationship to Will Bow Bow was, of course, completely secret, but these days people don't really have secret engagements. These days people go out of their way to tell you they're engaged, not to hide it from you.

*This is a drug joke.

Sense & Sensibility: Engage!

2012-01-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 22 - 26
Sanity Level: Losing it.
Update: Let's start this Magic School Bus of a blog post out the right way. This is a conversation I had with a friend this morning:

Friend: What are you reading?
Me: Jane Austen. After Matched and Dash & Lily; I can't read any more books about teenage romance.
Friend: You're reading Jane Austen!
Me: .... Fuck.

Because that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm reading a book about girls that spend all their time thinking about boys. I am reading young adult novels for teenage girls right now; my copy of Emma was found in the young adult section of a B&N.

Anyways.

Edward is engaged! And Elinor finds out from the girl he's engaged to; the very stupid and illiterate (Austen's words, not mine) Lucy Steele! I was wondering why the Steele Sisters showed up as neither contributed to the advancement of the plot.

And just like the alien water death at the end of Signs, I did not see this plot twist coming: Edward has been engaged to Lucy Steele for four years.* It has thrown a wrench into Elinor's life plans. It turns out she does love him. She hasn't admitted it yet but it's apparent.

Still no Will Bow Bow for Marianne. But both Marianne and Elinor are on their way to London with Mrs. Jennings. The two don't even want to be seen in public with Big Jenny, but go anyways because their mom--Mrs Dashwood--wants to decorate their rooms while they're gone.

Only in the 19th century would a mother pawn off her two nubile teenage daughters to a completely annoying stranger and allow them to be taken to a major metropolitan area just so she can renovate their rooms. Let me restate that last sentence: a mother let a stranger she barely knows take her two daughters to a major city so she can decorate their rooms.

This book. It's insanity.

*For an ugly, boring, disagreeable guy who has zero self-confidence; Edward is reeling the women in.

Sense & Sensibility: The Hot Topic Edition

2012-01-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 14-21
Sanity Level: Semi-Normal
Update: Willoughby (Will Bow Bow) has left the room and Marianne has gone full emo. She might as well shop at Hot Topic for all the crying she does between chapters 14 and 18. No one will ever, ever understand the love she had with Will Bow Bow. At one point she misses him so much that she hallucinates him coming towards her on a horse. But it's not him! It's Edward (Elinor's awkward as hell "friend"). Talk about a plot twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan.

All the while Mrs. Dashwood and Elinor are trying to figure out if the two are in love. If Marianne is running out of a room like Stephanie* on Full House; I'm guessing they are in love. And if Marianne is Stephanie then Mrs. Jennings (the prying neighbor) is Kimmy Gibbler. Colonel Brandon is still gone. So, he's like Danny Tanner's missing wife at this point (Danny can claim his wife died all he wants but we all know she faked her death and left him).

I hated Kimmy Gibbler too. There's also this lady Mrs. Palmer who shows up in chapter 19 or so with her cranky husband. Mr. Palmer is an asshole but no one asks him to leave.

There is a side note that I can slip in here: all the really annoying characters are ugly. Mrs. Palmer? Apparently she's quite plump. Mr. Palmer? Old and crunkled. Mrs. Jennings? Huge! Edward? Plain and boring. The eldest Steele sister? She looks like a public restroom.

But I'll tell everyone who I think is awesome: Mrs. Dashwood. Mrs. Dashwood is like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life:

'But remember that the pain from parting from friends will be felt by everybody at times, whatever be their education or state.'

This is the problem with these chapters: nothing is going on. Sir Creepy White Van John keeps inviting people over (mostly young girls that are his cousins) and that's it. There's the Steele Sisters who are really into other peoples kids, and a conversation with Edward about landscapes**.

I hope things start to pickup.

Notable Lines:

'What have wealth or grandeur to do with happiness?

*I hated Stephanie. She always ran crying out of a room until Danny Tanner or John Stamos came and cheered her up.
**I lost my sanity here for a moment.
Edit: I originally confused Marianne with Elinor in a sentence. I have corrected it. Lets just blame that on very early morning blogging.

Sense & Sensibility: The Abercrombie & Fitch Experience

2012-01-02T01:47:00.000-08:00

Chapters Read: 1-13
Sanity Level: Normal
Update: I could've done without the first few chapters of this book. So, like the third sister in this novel; I'm going to pretend like they don't exist.

Elinor and Marianne.

I really want to talk about Marianne and Elinor. The two sisters who remind me of Daria and Quinn from MTV's Daria. Elinor is a bit prudish, rude-ish, and sarcastic-ish. Marianne is a bit fancy free and falls down hills.* Both are ravishingly beautiful and have a ravishingly beautiful mother (Mrs. Dashwood).

The differences don't stop there, though. The two also have vastly different tastes in men. And let me tell you, there are tons of good looking guys in this book so far. Apparently in the 19th century everyone looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model. I'm not even kidding:

"Sir John Middleton was a good-looking man about forty."

"His manly beauty and more than common gracefulness were instantly the theme of general admiration"

"Miss Dashwood had a delicate complexion, regular features, and a remarkably pretty figure."

I mean, Austen nailed it and she nailed it before anyone else thought of it: no one wants to read about ugly people and their love lives. The only person who is ugly is Sir John, Marianne and Elinor's weirdo cousin**. Oh and Mrs. Jennings. Who is fairly obese and gets into everyone's business. Also Edward. So it's not really an A&F catalog, it's more like Sears.

See, Elinor had this little somethin' somethin' goin' on back home with this guy named Edward. She moved, so it kind of ended abruptly. Now she spends all her time hanging out with a guy named Colonel Brandon. I call him Colonel Silverfox because he's, like, 20 years older than her but is totally going to hit that. Which I find strange but it's the 19th century and people are adhering to ridiculous social etiquette, so whatever.

Marianne (after falling down that pesky hill) meets Willoughby. Or Will Bow Bow as I've been calling him. Will Bow Bow is all about some Marianne. The two spend so much time together that everyone starts to make fun of them.

Such conduct of course made them exceedingly laughed at: but ridicule could not shame, and seemed hardly to provoke them.

That's Austen for "Wow. Those two are stuck up each others asses." At this point everyone is trying to figure out if they're engaged or not.

I am actually getting into this book and the characters. It's probably because every character gossips about every other character. It turns out I'm reading the 19th century version of Mall Rats. I can see how someone read Emma and went on to make Clueless.

Notable Lines:

The old gentleman died; his will was read, and like almost every other will, gave as much disappointment as pleasure.
She was sensible and clever, but eager in everything; her sorrows, her joys, could have no moderation.
The whole story would have been speedily formed under her active imagination, and everything established in the most melancholy order of disastrous love.

*I laughed extremely hard at this moment. Especially when a young strapping man shows up to carry her home.

**Sir John is creepily nice to his female cousins. Giving them a place to live an all. He also throws parties for the younger crowd. All. The. Fucking. Time. If this book were written today Sir John would be driving a van without windows.

The Jane Austen Head Spin Plan of Attack

2012-01-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

It is a truth universally acknowledge that a blogger in possession of a good audience must be in want of a reading challenge. The challenge? Read all six of Jane Austen's novels in the month of January.

And just like how one can not simply walk into Mordor; one cannot simply walk into a reading challenge. I've outlined the order in which I will read them below. I'm going in order of publication date:

Sense & Sensibility (1811)
Pride & Prejudice (1813)
Mansfield Park (1814)
Emma (1815)
Northanger Abbey (1818)
Persuasion (1818)

I will update this blog with my progress a few times a week (every day if I can). I am using ratty copies of the novels that I purchased at a used bookstore as the free Kindle versions are oddly formatted.*

Along the way I might even watch a few inspired movies based on the books. A few not so much**. It's going to be a Jane Austen fest this month.

Bring it on, Zombie Austen.

*Thanks Amazon!
**the movie Clueless is loosely based on Emma, apparently.
Note: I am also reading 1Q84 this month. I figure it will balance out my sanity level.

Weekend Reading & Jane Austen Head Spin

2011-12-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

And a merry holiday to you too.

Right now I am plowing through Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. I feel like Rob Sheffield is a version of my future self that I can only hope to be.

Teenage boys love to argue about things. It doesn't even matter about what--we would argue about baseball, books, politics, whether Scarface was the greatest movie of all time or whether that honor belonged to Vice Squad.

It's nice to know that some things are a universal constant. And Scarface won because I've never even heard of Vice Squad. DON'T EVEN ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT IT.

At least Duran Duran is getting the 80s references and history and homages right, whereas another book (Ready Player One) failed.* Sheffield's observations on the music that defined him and the girls that defined him are--to borrow an 80s phrase--bangin'.

Reading Sheffield's book has reminded me of the girls and movies and literature that have form who I am. It got me thinking about Star Wars. Naturally my next thought was "If Jane Austen wrote the Trilogy what would it have been like?" Because Solo and Leia are totally Darcy and Elizabeth a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

So I am planning something for next month. I'm calling it Jane Austen Head Spin.** I've read two of her six books but I'd like to read them all. Doing it in one go seems like it'd be more fun. I'm laying out my plan of attack this weekend. A Jane Austen month is not something one just jumps into.

Until then, have a happy holiday.

*It's the last 50 pages of the book that did it for me. I don't know shit about Japanese shows that aired during the 80s; it's a failure on my part, not Ernest Cline's.

**I am starting a band and calling it Jane Austen Head Spin.

Dash & Lily's Book of Dares - a review (kind of)

2011-12-21T06:59:00.000-08:00

Dash & Lily's Book of Dares - Rachel Cohn & David Levithan - 272 pages

It's a Christmas time read! And it must be a Christmas time read because this 272 page book took me a week and a half to finish. Between the holiday parties, the shopping I haven't finished, and work; I have been everywhere. But that's alright. I took Dash and Lily with me everywhere too just so I could finish it.

I'm going to boil this down to basic observations in an easy to read list since I'm pressed for time:

Basic Observations:

Dash and Lily--like all Christmas time people--spend a week running around New York City. The two dare one another into certain locations with a red notebook. It's a notebook Lily leaves in her favorite bookstore, which Dash finds, and they communicate through.
Dash is a word enthusiast and puts me to shame. Lily is a huge nerd and puts all nerd girls to shame. But both are still believable characters.
Dash and Lily never enter into a love triangle. Lily does not have two guys to choose between. It's a relief to read a young adult novel where there is no third guy, and no real third girl.
The dares are kind of lame: go to a rock concert, go to a department store, go to a Build-a-Bear. I was hoping the Fear Factor guy would pop out and tell one of them to eat cow brains.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if Dash's best friend Boomer had a mental handicap as all of his lines were followed by exclamation points. Was he always excited because of ADD? Or was he always excited because he's got the mental capacity of a four-year-old?
Dash is a smug asshole at some points.
Rachel Cohn and David Levithan have got a good thing going on. Rachel writes the girl chapters, David writes the guy chapters, and the two never know where the plot is going (or so I hear). It works.
I really enjoyed this one. I wish I could've sat down and read it all the way through in one go.
I hope Hallmark never makes a movie out of this. It would suck as the word play, the notebook entries, and Dash's smug attitude would all be lost.

And that's it. I hope everyone has a happy holiday and that you get all the books (because what else could you want) for Christmas.

Note: Recommended by the amazing Lynsey Newton of NarrativelySpeaking.com.

Weekend Reading & Other Stuff

2011-12-16T01:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend I might find the time to finish Dash & Lily's Book of Dares. Of course, I'm a last minute Christmas shopper so who knows what might happen.* Dash is not helping me get into the holiday spirit. But neither is Lily. Both teenagers seem to have funky ideas about Christmas.

Right now my non-young adult reading is The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil by George Saunders. I read it years ago when it first came out but for some odd reason I decided to give it a second go around the other day.**

From ReignOfPhil.com:

“I’ll tell you something else about which I’ve been lately thinking!” he bellowed in a suddenly stentorian voice. “I’ve been thinking about our beautiful country! Who gave it to us? I’ve been thinking about how God the Almighty gave us this beautiful sprawling land, as a reward for how wonderful we are. We’re big, we’re energetic, we’re generous, which is reflected in all our myths, which are so very populated with large high-energy folks who give away all they have! If we have a National Virtue, it is that we are generous, and if we have a National Defect, it is that we are too generous! Is it our fault that these little jerks have such a small crappy land? I think not! God Almighty gave them that small crappy land for reasons of His own. It is not my place to start cross-examining God Almighty, asking why He gave them such a small crappy land, my place is to simply enjoy and protect the big bountiful land God Almighty gave us!”
Suddenly Phil didn’t seem like quite so much of a nobody to the other Outer Hornerites. What kind of nobody was so vehement, and used so many confusing phrases with so much certainty? What kind of nobody was so completely accurate about how wonderful and generous and under appreciated they were?

That makes me proud to be an American.

I am also taking the time this morning to read Date them or Hate them: Girls Who Read (brought to my attention by Asheley from IntoTheHallofBooks).

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries.

That being true you haven't gone over which books to give her. That is an entirely different story. I wouldn't give a girl I dated a copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. She'd hate me. Or break up with me.***

Also I will probably hit up Talking to Girls about Duran Duran. It looks short so maybe it'll be my Sunday reading.

*I will probably be stabbed for the last pair of faux leather gloves in a Macy's.
**I am not reading it because of the republican debates.
***There is in no way a story here.

Everybody Sees the Ants -- a review

2011-12-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

Everybody Sees the Ants - A.S. King - 288 pages

Just like Neo in The Matrix I made an audible "Whoa!" at the end of this book. Just like Neo in The Matrix I was downloaded into someone else's reality and forced to live in their world. Seeing the world through Lucky Linderman's eyes reminded me of being a teenager; the pressure, the bullies, and the constant bullshit.

Except that Lucky is nothing like Neo; all that Lucky can do is dream about his grandfather who went missing during the Vietnam War. Lucky has no evil machines to fight; just a bully named Nadar McMillan who is a special kind of sociopath.

Grandpa's world is the only place that Lucky can escape to. There's no real bullshit there and Lucky serves a purpose: rescue grandfather at all costs. Are the dreams real? Or is Lucky experiencing Dr. House-like hallucinations?

Eventually Lucky's mother tires of the bullying and takes him to his Uncle's. And as always adventures do ensue. And as always there's a girl there for Lucky. And as always this is where things take an interesting turn.

We realize that Lucky does have a few problems; he's not a reliable narrator, and who the hell sends out suicide questionnaires as a social studies project? Who the hell doesn't stick up for themselves? What kind of a father just ignores his teenage son's problems? What kind of mother spends all day swimming away her issues?

"Good luck with that. Escaping assholes is about as easy as escaping oxygen."

The line between my life, Lucky's life, and Lucky's dreams blurred for me at one point. All that social pressure came back. The bully-e and the bully-er. The feeling that adults just. Don't. Get. It. That rush of a first kiss and the nervous realization that--as a guy--you will have to deal with vaginas for the rest of your life.

This is one young adult novel that gets it right in a way that John Green* and others can't; the amount of cursing, the amount of sexual tension, the amount of grit, and the occasional boner are all in here.** Many authors shy away from strong language for obvious reason; but this is how our children talk when we aren't around, this is what they think and this is how they feel these days.

This book produced a few sobs, a few what the fuck moments of anger, and one big WHOA at the end. And yeah, I giggled at the boner jokes.

Note: There is a song called Sleeping Sickness by a band called City & Colour. It fits the tone of this book perfectly.
*I love John Green. I am in no way knocking him.
**The right level of cuteness for a young adult novel is still retained, however.
End Note: Boner. Hehehehe.

Why I Don't Want to Join Your Shitty Book Club

2011-12-12T01:54:00.000-08:00

I found myself at a party this weekend in which Margaret Atwood was ~~discussed~~ torn apart for her writing style. I bashed Atwood a little for being hit-or-miss and watched others listen to me; the Persistent Reader speaks! and he uses words like eloquent and superfluous! They were discussing their book club read The Handmaid's Tale. No one liked it or had really discussed it past the point of "not liking it".

What I do when you mention your book club.

I always get invited to join book clubs. I hate them, though. My excuse has always been to tell people that I don't have time for their club. This is clearly a lie: I can find time to read two books a week but not time to join your club? Thankfully no one has caught onto this.

I've had the experience that a vast majority of book clubs are a self-help group sort of people who want to read more but can't find the motivation or time. So they think one book a month will change their life and turn them into the reader they've always claimed to be. I find those groups to be, well, snotty.

I once had a club--without telling me before I signed on--that they would read celebrity autobiographies and biographies only. I gave it a shot and bought and read a Chelsea Handler book. I didn't think it would be that bad. But we ended up talking about celebrity gossip (which I know nothing about) for a majority of the time. I ended up getting drunk on vodka because we held the meeting at a bar. It was their first meeting; they never had another.

The most enjoyable non-bookish experience I had with a book club was with a group of coworkers. We spent our entire meeting discussing who was screwing who at work and who we hated. We did this in the work cafeteria. We just kept the books on the lunch table and whenever people approached us we would tell them to go away: work book club meeting. The point? Don't start a book club with your coworkers. You won't talk about books. And you will get in trouble.

Outside of Gossip Clubs and Bar Book Clubs and Celebrity Book Clubs; I've had the unfortunate fortune of seeing the insides of houses that should never be seen. I don't want to join your shitty book club because your house reeks of old cheese and your children are running around screaming. This person should have watched an episode of Hoarders and asked themselves a few hard questions.

It's not that reading a book a month is a bad thing. It's claiming to be in a book club that's a bad thing. It's claiming that you read so, so, so much but you only read one book last month. Being in a book club shouldn't be a title or a badge of honor; it's you and your friends reading the same shit and talking about it. That's all. And reading one book a month does not make you an avid reader. It makes you an average American and the average American is not an avid reader.

Weekend Reading & a Very H.P. Lovecraft Christmas

2011-12-09T00:13:00.001-08:00

It's a Christmas classic.

Maybe it's because the book is set in Antarctica but I've been reading At the Mountains of Madness by H.P. Lovecraft to get into the Christmas spirit. It's insanity! It's madness! It's damn it Danforth, don't look out the window of the plane at that ancient city you will lose your mind.

It's got me running around the supermarket whispering "Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!" to myself while I look at Lord of the Rings Pez dispensers. I am at my own Mountains of Madness these days; they're called retail stores. There are no six foot tall blind penguins but there are screaming children, adults rushing to and fro, and it's cold.

The Great Old Ones would have a field day at a retail store. I could only walk through the stores and imagine people being gobbled up by Cthulhu because they kept getting in my way. I was standing in the middle of Macy's when the floor opened up and a great fog poured out. Tentacles came up from inside the hole and snatched up shoppers and pulled them under. It ate the woman that had been standing awkwardly in the middle of the aisle and blocking my way.

Then I snapped back to reality and realized I was shopping. Again. Damn it, Danforth, don't look out the display windows; you will go mad.

Am I mad because of the retail stores? Or am I mad because of Lovecraft's visions? My fantastic copy of his novella also comes with his essay Supernatural Horror in Literature which might contain an answer:

Creative minds are uneven, and the best of fabrics have their dull spots.

That's really just a fancy way of saying "I'm crazy but it's because I'm a genius and I've been putting Jell-O in my pants again." He's only putting Jell-O in his pants to research what being eaten by a Shoggoth would be like.

Maybe I'm Danforth these days and I'm looking out the window of my car at a shopping mall instead of an ancient city and laughing at how insane we all must look to the Great Old Ones. We've all gone mad in their eyes. Merry Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li! Christmas.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) - a review (kind of)

2011-12-08T01:43:00.000-08:00

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling - 240 pages

Warning: This book should not be read in public as it will cause you to look like a tweaked-out meth head as you burst with laughter.

Side-splitting laughter. Awww I can sympathize with that laughter. I'm slightly offended laughter. More men should read this book laughter. And guys, we have to start reading books for women: they put all of their secrets in them.

Things I Learned From Reading Mindy's Book:

Women love chest hair.
Women like guys who wear nice shoes.
Own a nice fitted pea coat and not a cheap one from Forever 21.
Forever 21 is a store, not a saying.

Mindy's book has been compared to Tina Fey's Bossypants and any number of Chelsea Handler's books. I don't know who either of those people are* but Mindy Kaling will never again be known to me as That Indian Chick on The Office. Now she's The Divine Mindy Kaling. Queen Kaling. Empress Kaling. Super Kaling. Kaling is going to become a new way of saying fucking cool.

"She is so kaling."

The best parts of Mindy's book aren't even Office related; the woman is insanely witty and observant. Her hobby is to research fad diets. She talks about how romantic comedies are the best genre of film and compares them to science fiction movies (my heart was throbbing at this point). And that Diet Coke is awesome. And that Steve Carrell is scary smart and scary funny. And that Rainn Wilson really is a douche.

There's a lot of substance in this book. Far more than I thought there would be for a celebrity autobiography. I love her for it. Even though I didn't know who she was until last week. She's so off-the-radar and doesn't give a fuck about being a celebrity that it makes me appreciate her semi-obscurity even more.

Five stars, Mindy. Five stars.

*I do. I just don't want to lose my street cred.**
**I just lost my street cred by using the phrase street cred.
Note: I read this on my Kindle. You try being a guy carrying around a mostly pink book in rural Kentucky.
Extra Note: I call this a "kind of" review because I've already talked about it at length. I probably won't shut up about it until the end of 2012.