Hitting Rock Bottom and Hoping to Survive

A good day at the 124 day mark

2017-12-05T22:25:00.001-05:00

At the 124 day mark, and I have to say....it feels okay not having gambling on my mind all the time, as it was when I was in action. I would remember taking up so much of my day thinking only about the stock market and what I needed to do to stay in action. Finding myself always thinking I had the solution or a bullet proof plan on how I would make some money "day trading" certain securities....

At this point, I now have a plan on what I need to do to start paying my debts off....Due to the amount of money I lost and borrowed, it will take me awhile to pay it off...but having a plan is a huge step forward and it helps me stay focused on what I need to do One Day at a Time...

There are still things that I need to work out with K, but I realize I can't rush her through this...she has to come to the point of figuring out what she wants to do...my old self would have really tried to rush her and control her on what decision I wanted her to make, I find myself taking a deep breath and saying that I can't control her and I need to only focus on things I can control.

Financial Payback tracker:
Uber/Lyft weekly earnings of $975

Character Defect: Being Impatient

2017-11-25T10:54:00.002-05:00

I attended a GA meeting last night because my normal Thursday scheduled meeting didn't happen because of Thanksgiving. I am happy I went because the meeting helped me realize that one of my major character defects is being very impatient. I feel that I am impatient in so many ways and it causes nothing but problems for me down the road.

Here are some ways I am impatient, not in any priority order:

1. My current financial payback plan. I currently was able to setup a plan to payback some of my major debts within a year time frame, which is pretty good given the amount of debt I owe. And don't get me wrong it will take me a good 5 years to get rid of all the debt I created. I have been able to stay on track with this plan for the last 3 months, which is a positive sign....but I find myself always thinking and prioritizing making money over everything else, like working on myself and recovery. I often find myself saying I can make so much more driving Uber if I don't attend this GA meeting. I also find myself pushing to the limits of driving sometimes to get that last fare in.

2. Relationship status with K. I also realize that over the last 3 months, I find myself pushing K to make a decision with what is going to happen between us (separated, divorced, going to couples counseling, etc...) I am not giving her the time she needs to process all that we have been through and find that I am just adding more stress into an already stressful situation. I need to remind myself that I can't control her decisions and she will need to get to that place at her own speed.

3. With my kids. There are times in the past I might have been short with my kids because of how they were getting through the day. I know they are still learning and that many parents can say this, but I want to practice taking a breath and enjoying the moments I have with them...as in lately I only really get to hang out with them for 1-2 days on the weekend.

All of these actions cause me to reflect that I need to start learning to be patience and enjoy the today for what it is...I know it doesn't happen overnight, but one day at a time.

Payback tracker update:
Weekly Uber/Lyft earnings: $557

What I am thankful for

2017-11-23T11:34:00.001-05:00

An Uber rider reminded me that I need to be thankful for what I have and stop worrying about what you don't have....I found this to be a great reminder that your mindset is such a huge part of your recovery and happiness in life.

Of course, there are plenty of things for me to worry about that remind me of the damage I have done...But this is now all about what I decide to do about it going forward vs looking back. Things could be worse and if I stay focused on the plan that I laid out and execute it one day at a time, I can start to see the slight light at the end of the tunnel. This is the road of being able to forgive myself and then find happiness with the rest of the life I have.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and remember to take it one day at a time

Thanksgiving is upon us

2017-11-21T10:49:00.001-05:00

I have to admit that I haven't been looking forward to Thanksgiving...this will be the first Thanksgiving in a long time when I will not be with K and the kids, yet another reminder of how much pain I have caused. I am trying not to be down and depressed all week and trying to stay positive.

I will most likely drive with Uber a lot to help pass the time but also earn some extra $'s. I also will spend a little time with my mom to make sure I don't spend the time all alone.

I am trying to stay focused on the positives in my life and thinking about things that I am thankful for, understanding others are in a worse position than I am...I am also trying to stay focused on my financial payback plan and can only attack that 1 day at a time.

Meetings Make It

2017-11-17T23:13:00.001-05:00

Last night I decided to attend a GA meeting room that have only been at one time before, about 5 weeks ago. I went to this room because based on my crazy 2 job schedule, this was the best option for me and I didn't want to miss a meeting. As I entered the room, there were three people who remembered me by name, what a welcoming and good feeling that was....not that I was nervous to be in that room...but to see that people are actively listening and remembering....it took me by surprise, a pleasant one and immediately made me feel good about picking that room.

Another nice surprise was that they recognized my 90 day mark with a coin....not that I go to GA to get coins...but a nice gesture to keep up with the momentum that I created, understanding that I need to take it one day at a time.

Payback tracker update: Ride share weekly earnings of $505

100 days and $10,000

2017-11-13T08:45:00.001-05:00

So it has been 100 days since I placed my last bet and today I feel good about that accomplishment...I also was able to focus on making money versus gambling it away and my payback tracker shows me over the $10,000 mark. I know I have a long way to go on so many fronts but today I am going to focus on doing the right thing and not gamble.

This blog has helped me stay committed to my recovery and I am thank for all that support me during this process. I know that it is hard to do this yourself, especially with the impacts the disease has on every aspect of your life...I am committed to becoming a better man for myself so that others in my family can see the real person that I am.

That is all for today, will post shortly.

Payback tracker: Uber/Lyft weekly earnings of $443

A small step forward

2017-11-02T13:56:00.002-04:00

So there was a small positive step that happened in my recovery yesterday, K and I agreed to attend our first couples therapy session. This came to a huge surprise to me from her but I welcomed it. She also mentioned that she wanted to attend a Gam Anon meeting...another good sign.

It was a very small step forward and at the end of it, we realized that we are not ready to do more couples therapy session. What makes most sense is for K to get help for herself because of how severe of damage I have done with my addiction.

Although I was hoping for a little more progress from the session, I agree with the next step of K getting herself help first...I have to stop rushing this, especially trying to rush her through this process..I am working on that and it is a character defect that I need to change...the impatience and controlling way about me...I am learning to let go of that.

After the session, we actually had a laugh about how the therapist reacted to our current situation and ended up having a quick dinner together...again being careful not to get ahead of myself but I still realize that I love her as a person and will work my butt off to fix myself.

Payback Tracker update:

Uber/Lyft weekly earnings of $476

Looking forward vs Looking back

2017-10-28T08:07:00.001-04:00

So I got through yesterday as mentally painful as it was and started to realize towards the end of the day that I have to get back on track...I felt like I had so much positive momentum and then I let my thoughts get the better of me...I am depressed or do I have a high level of self pity....probably both but realize that I need to start doing good in the world vs worrying about the past.

So me being in my early 40's, I have to look at my life as was story do I want to tell for the second half? I already wrote the first half and nothing I can do to change that, but with all of those hard life lessons, who do I choose to be moving forward?

As mentioned in my previous post, I have come to the hard realization to let go of K. By holding onto to her mentally, I have been creating more pain for me and not able to recovery...I didn't want to let go because I don't want it to seem like I am done fighting for her...and that isn't the case...the case is, she doesn't want me and I can't change that...I have surrendered to that reality.

With that, I am also working on surrendering to gambling and really dealing with this disease. I won't forget about the past and will keep working the 12 steps of the program.

That is it for now and more to come....

Payback tracker:
Uber earnings of $330

And to think that I was pass rock bottom

2017-10-27T02:44:00.001-04:00

And to think that I already thought that I hit rock bottom....Was I wrong...I will also say that I was struggling with two things in my recovery, and tonight basically help me get past one of those two...the ability to let go of K.

You see, tonight wasn't too much different then some of the previous nights that I posted about:

1. Worst night of my life

2. Worst night of my life, the sequel

I attended my normal weekly GA meeting that is around 20 miles from my house. After taking a few Uber rides, I decided to do a drive by of the house...just because I had a gut feeling. When I drive down my street, I see his car parked closer than he has parked in the past...I guess Q is getting more comfortable with the situation..this was around 12:30 am early Friday morning

The reason why this hurts so bad to me....today (Friday) is my birthday...a day that I haven't been looking forward to for so many reasons and this was the straw that breaks me....

Before tonight, I told K that I didn't want our kids to know it was my birthday because they would want to throw a celebration...and I don't feel that I have earned that from them based on what I have done due to my gambling addiction.

The other reason I don't look forward to my birthday is that I lost a twin brother to suicide 17 years ago and have never really come to grips with that reality. I know I should have seeked out a professional therapist when that happened but never did for another host of reasons.

So already starting to enter a depressed state heading into today, seeing his car in front of my house with my kids in the house is the straw that breaks me... I have no idea what the rest of the day holds for me but right now as I sit in a 24 hour diner typing out this post....I am afraid to get up and leave because I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of this shitty day.

I know K will probably say a few things like:
- "you shouldn't have been spying on me"...but yet she has been so obsessed and stalked K for the last 6 months, at least

- "we are separated".... true and even though we are not officially divorced, it is more about the mental state she is in vs me...she has the ability to have Q over our house during a time period that is stressful for both of us ...holidays and birthdays

- "I am trying to figure out what I want, this isn't about hurting you"...probably try but for the same reason as the previous one...she is so far up Q's butt that she is not focusing on what she has to do to setup her life without me...focusing most of her mental capacity on Q vs herself and her future.

I don't know anymore...All I know is that I have stopped wearing my wedding band and that I have let her go...I need to do this for my recovery because if not, I am afraid there is more of a rock bottom to reach...

I am in so much pain...

Bummed out lately

2017-10-26T10:17:00.002-04:00

As I sit here and think, how did I ruin my life? And will it ever get better? Some days are better than others and these extended period of times of not seeing my kids until the end of the week for 2 days only really sucks. I know have to remind myself that I am on Day 83 of this recovery. I have been getting better at trying to take one day at a time and only try to change only things in your control.

I did have a recent therapy session and it wasn't that great...mainly because I entered the room in a more depressed state than normal...which felt like a huge step back in my recovery. I was reminded it was a process and see the fact that I haven't placed a bet as the real win for me. I knew this would happen as this time of year are some critical milestones in my life that I am now learning on how to get through these milestones on my own versus with my wife.

Another bummer in my life is trying to think about how do I make additional $'s to remove my dependence on Uber. I will probably always be an Uber driver as a second job but just looking to reduce the number of hours of the grind that I go through most nights during the weeknights.

I am planning on going to a GA meeting tonight so hopefully I can shake out of this mental state a bit.

Payback tracker update:
- Uber/Lyft weekly earning of $572

How to save money on gas

2017-10-23T19:49:00.001-04:00

Here is an off topic from my normal recovery posts but I thought it was relevant since I am seeking to payback my financial debts that I created and I do earn extra cash driving for Uber and Lyft.

Since I seem to spend around $100 in gas a week with the ride share partners, I make sure that I do these two things to save money:

#1. Use the GasBuddy app. This shows you all of the gas prices in your area and can seek out the best value for your location.

#2. Pay with cash. In the area that I am located, there is around a $0.10 difference in the price if you pay cash vs credit. On a $2.50/gallon price, that equates to a 4% savings. That is about $16 a month that I save by keeping some cash handy when I need to fill up.

Back to my driving....

Struggling with 2 things in my recovery

2017-10-20T15:43:00.000-04:00

So this will be a quick post, just wanted to jot down some thoughts on my recovery....As I have said before, it is such a roller coaster. Some days are just so hard. I am still struggling with two major points in my recovery:

#1. Learning to Forgive myself for what I have done. This one is going to take a long time...not sure how I get there but I just keep reading articles to see if I can uncover some tips.

#2. Learning to let go of K, my wife. Yet another hard one...some days I sit here and say, I fight so hard to show her that I love her and want to be with her.... and then other days, I think that I am being naive and think that the longer this fling with Q goes that she has already decided what she wants. I think all I am looking for is the opportunity to sit with her and counseling...to see how we both try and move forward on rebuilding trust that we both broke.

All in all, I feel so lonely in my recovery and there are still dark days in my life...a little push to a set of positive thoughts would be welcomed.

Payback tracker update: Uber/Lyft earnings of $547 and attended another GA meeting last night

Not looking forward to the holidays

2017-10-17T07:23:00.003-04:00

So the holidays will be here before you know it and I am starting to think about how will that go down. This will by my first year in this separation phase with K and I am not looking forward to it. This time of year was normally filled with stress between managing both of our families holiday expectations, and now that we are separated and on a potential road to a divorce, this time of year is shaping to be really holly and jolly (sarcasm)

I have been really trying to stay focus on one day at a time to build a new life and it feels good to see that I have reached 75 days without a bet and also made an extra $8,000 or so...I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I need to stay in the present...one of my triggers is impatience and if I feel that I need to rush this financial payoff, that is where I start getting in trouble. I find myself redirecting the energy to running and I have a goal to run in a 5 Mile race around Thanksgiving....let's see how that goes.

Payoff Tracker Update:
- Uber / Lyft Earnings of $527

Helping Others

2017-10-10T00:17:00.001-04:00

All things considered, it was a very good weekend. I was able to spend some real quality time with my kids and that is always a great source of hope for me as I stay focused on my recovery. I take the time during the week while I am not with them to think about what we can do for the weekend and also, what can I teach them to be stronger boys/men in the future.

This week, I wanted to make sure they understand the concept of helping others. They helped me donate clothes and books to the local Goodwill store and I talked to them about how it worked and how these items that we donated will go to help others in need.

They were also able to donate some of their profits from a drink stand business that we ran together last weekend. Since I have 3 kids, we split the profits into 4 units...one for each of them and the 4th share to charity. There is a local children's hospital right by our house and we agreed to donate the $2 to the hospital. I know this might not seem like much but I want to keep at this and do a form of volunteering or helping others with my kids so they can start to learn how to help others throughout their lives.

I am starting to also think about other sources of income. As mentioned before, I am a fan of being an Uber/Lyft driver...would like to have other options if I am having a tough time getting in the car to drive..One of my ideas is to become an adjunct professor within the business school of a local university. I know it doesn't make a ton of money, but it does hit upon a few things that I really enjoy...let's see where it goes but it will take a while to get me into the course offerings options (hopefully by the Spring semester)

Trying to get back on track

2017-10-06T10:34:00.002-04:00

Trying to get back on track with Operation Mental Reset... I feel like I was doing so well and then last week after certain things occurred, my emotions got the better of me and I felt like I took a few steps back. I have to keep my focus on me and realize I have lost my wife. If I try and hold onto her at this moment it will put more pressure on her and will push her away.

It is definitely not easy because of how much she means to me, but I have to remind myself of what I have done and not try and rush this...need to take it one day at a time.

Attended a GA meeting last night ands had dinner with another member helped me significantly.

Reminder of how much of a bad person that I am

2017-10-04T03:01:00.001-04:00

Today was not a great day...K and I had a conversation after I couldn't handle the emotional and mental swings that I am going through, and it was all triggered by Q. As mentioned in a previous post, I was able to hear another Alexa quick recording of Q being in the house with K and my youngest son...I just kept thinking of how this is impacting my son at such an early age...so I texted K to let her know we needed to talk right away.

She was hesitant to talk to me at first but then I ended up calling her. We got into a fight over the phone and at the end of it, I realize how much pain that I have caused for her, my kids, and myself...I feel there is a big piece of my recovery that is due to this unresolved relationship with K. I know it has only been 2 months and what I did will take a very long time to get over...but there were a few things that she told me that have stuck in my head:

- " I am afraid of you"
- " You are morally bankrupt"
- " I am not ready to admit to anything with Q"

These comments have been swirling in my head since she said them to me and it really put me a few steps back. I was starting to feel good about some of the positive momentum that I was gaining in the last couple of weeks, and then...BAM! this conversation happened and I took a huge step back.

I let my emotions get the better of me and sent a text that I shouldn't have, which caused the fight. I learned this lesson before that I can not control what K does, but find myself back into that thinking...I need to let go. I also am really concerned about K being afraid of me. I never came close to ever threatening her or the kids...I am not that type of physical person....I am not sure where this came from...I definitely will be thinking about this for awhile.

I also have to stop reading into conversations with K as a signal of hope for us in the future. I have to learn to accept the fact that I lost my wife and I pushed her to this point. I know she will say that she did not have an affair before the separation, but when I look at all of the facts and events leading up to my confession, it sure did hurt me as if there was an affair going on...

Payback tracker update:
- Uber/Lyft weekly earnings $400
- Ebay and Craigslist sales of $52

Uber: A surprising resource in my recovery

2017-10-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

Sitting here bet free at 60 days, I have learned so much about myself. Of course, there were the dark days of the first few weeks but now that I feel a little bit of my new life taking hold, I am so motivated to becoming a better person. With that, I seek so many resources that I can to help me stay focus and provide me the tools and insights one needs to battle through the disease and depression...and a recent surprise of a resource has been Uber.

So the main reason I became an Uber driver was to get some quick money in fast to help start the financial stabilization process. I have been driving for about 6-7 weeks and realize it is so much more to me right now. My therapist did say that was one of the best things I could have done after the confession but it didn't really take hold until last night. I try and meet as many people as possible with no judgments or bias, it helps me with my Operation Mental Reset. And I have meet some folks who have given me some good advice and perspective to get through this stage of the relationship with K...but last night two things happened that solidified Uber as a great resource for me today in my recovery:

#1. There are times that I often think that I need to go out and get back at K and meet some somebody and develop a relationship with them. One that I see as getting back at her because of what has gone on with her and Q. There was a Spanish lady in the car last night and she was definitely doing her best to hit on me...these thoughts came into my mind ever so slightly...and then thinking through it during the ride, I didn't pursue it...I just can't right now...I know what K has done but I am not revengeful...I am still holding onto hope that we can work to try and save our marriage, knowing how much trust has been broken across our marriage. I don't even know if I was given the chance to save our marriage, that I can get past this Q thing...as mentioned in previous posts...I just realize that I am not ready to move on, and definitely don't want to do something to get back at K...I need to do something that has real meaning.

#2. My last ride of the day really had me thinking...it was in a bad part of town and around 2:30 am on a Sunday. There was a young couple with a toddle in a stroller and the riders were only the mom and toddler. The interaction between the mom and dad said it all, the dad barely sees he son and doesn't know how to interact with him as he was just standing there. The mom had to be so direct and she was clearly overwhelmed with no help. As the dad took his son out of the stroller, I ended up helping put the stroller in the car but then the dad quickly gave the child to his mother, and then he turned and went back into his apartment. I drove them for about 7 miles and dropped them off at her parents house where her elderly father came and took the stroller from me as I unpacked it from my trunk. This just reinforced that not matter what happens with K and I, my boys are going to get the best father I can be...and I am going to work so hard everyday to make sure that is true....we actually made plans for a cross country road trip in an RV as well as going to see a space shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral....can't wait...

Although the hours are tough, I am going to keep at it with Uber because of the many benefits it provides me at this time.

Thinking there is hope and realizing not

2017-09-29T10:24:00.001-04:00

I have been so confused lately... I find myself thinking more about what is going to happen with K in the future and my mind is going crazy. I get these mixed signals from her on days where she calls me and is crying....and then other days she doesn't want anything to do with me... I am obsessing over winning her back and started to realize I am losing track of focusing on myself.

I will say, writing this article for the blog because it is helping me think and realize they aren't mixed signals from K, she is just still dealing with the shakeout as well. I am also not sure if how the relationship with Q is progressing...I have to stop thinking about that and realize I can't control it...

I attribute these thoughts to a few things:
1. Our 14th wedding anniversary just passed this week and that definitely messed with my mental state.

2. My therapist told me in a recent session that I am having a hard time letting go of the relationship and says it is part of the mourning process. She did say it takes some people longer than others but I have to stay focused on me.

All I can say, it is so hard. I will have to say with my focus on what the future holds with K and I, I do find myself not thinking about gambling as much and it has been 56 days since my last bet...only in instances where I think it will be all good with K if I miraculously find a way to pay off all theses debts right away...but I know that isn't the right answer.

At the end of the day, I am reading too much into some signals and conversations with K and also the fact that she is still not being honest with me about her and Q... I then remind myself of how she went about this relationship with Q and quickly slap myself into reality of how painful it feels knowing those details.. damn this hurts...thinking there is hope and realizing not

Update to Payback tracker:
Weekly Uber/Lyft earnings were $430

Marriage, beyond repair?

2017-09-25T23:47:00.003-04:00

Lately I have been projecting in the future of if K wants me back, how will I get over this Q relationship? I feel that we have damaged our marriage so bad that it isn't fixable....definitely not in the short-term.

Some days are better than others when I think that I can't control what K wants for her life but there is a piece of me that continues to mourn the loss of the close relationship I have had with my wife. I do not want to let go and want to continue to fight for her...but her lack of honesty about the relationship with Q throws me in a mental roller coaster.

These thoughts re-emerged because it feels that there are early cracks in her relationship with Q and that K is reaching out to me on certain nights where she might be afraid of what the future holds. I understand the emotion that she is going through and take that as a small sign of hope for us in the future....but then I am reminded of how can I get over this....I totally understand the severity of the pain and loss that my disease has caused, resulting in a huge break of trust with K....but if trust is broken on both sides to such degree...how does a couple rebound from this? Obviously slowly and with professional help....I am committed to that at a minimum, putting in all the hard work to try and save this relationship...just scared of not being sure of being offered the chance to save it with K and if so, what might the outcome be...knowing how the current separation is affecting my kids, especially the youngest one.

These thoughts are becoming more prominent lately as our wedding anniversary is approaching...

I often think, "What have I done and when will this pain end?"

If you are a new reader to my blog, here is a link to one of my early posts providing more context on these thoughts...

Bitter Sweet

2017-09-23T22:30:00.004-04:00

So it is a bitter sweet moment for me today, I get to hang out with my kids and that always puts me in a great mood. Today was the first day they saw my new apartment since my gambling confession to K and the separation. Of course, the kids take it in stride and say "wow...now we have two houses" but deep down I know they don't understand the severity of what I have done,..deep down I know that I have stripped them from having a childhood where both parents lived together and the family unit was a whole.

I am trying not to think about it too much because the depression will start to sink in. Makes you think of how simple life was when you are younger, and how much harder you can make your life with certain decisions.

But for know, my job is to get these kids to laugh as much as possible with me today.

Sharing a TED talk that is helping me today

2017-09-21T14:22:00.002-04:00

As I continue to work on Operation Reset for myself, I recently came across a TED talk that was very informative at this stage in my life. "There's more to life than being happy" by Emily Esfahani Smith is the TED talk and here is the link. She shares her four pillars of a meaningful life.

Listen for yourself but the one section that was really helpful was the pillar about storytelling. And how I need to weave a different story...a redemptive story is what I am currently working on

Payback tracker: It was a good week with a $2,000 check from work, $500 in Uber/Lyft earnings, and $13 in EBay/Craigslist online sales.

Too good to be true

2017-09-18T22:00:00.002-04:00

I knew it was too good to be true...the weekend was going great with K (relatively speaking) until Sunday night and then I was reminded of how much I hurt K. Being that is has been only 7 weeks or so since my confession, her actions are still telling me that she has no care in the world for me and that isn't going to change anytime soon....and I understand.

With this separation in its early stages, we are both trying to figure out this co-parenting arrangement out since we never sat down and laid out the specifics of this separation. And with that comes a weekly discussion around how we are handling the kids during the weekend...All was going well until K decided to stay out much longer than we talk about on Sunday night and without any text telling me of when she will be at the house.

I know I can't control K and who she is with but the part of it was that there was a certain time that we talked about and she had no care to alert me...telling me that I really screwed this up and who knows what the future holds for us...I am just trying to salvage a friendly relationship at this time since we need to get this co-parenting thing right for the kids.

I will also say that I have been wrestling with certain scenarios in the future....and I am being asked by my therapist of what do I want out of this relationship in the future....knowing that I still feel so responsible and guilty for this all, I want to have K back...but also knowing of what has been going on with Q and with such details....not sure how I can move past that with K...I know it is going to be hard no matter how this goes and not sure of when and if I ever get to that bridge....but that is something that has been swirling in my head...I will cross that bridge when I get there...

And onto to picking up some more Uber and Lyft rides.

A couple of good days

2017-09-17T02:34:00.000-04:00

The last couple of days have been better than normal...I was able to hang out with my kids for the weekend and we had a lot of fun together. K and I actually had a couple of good conversations together also, which surprised me. Most of the time we both stay away from each other when I am around....understandably so....but there some positive moments there. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not even close to being out of the woods, but that did give me a boost to stay focused and not lose any momentum that I have started on my road to recovery,

There were also moments of being reminded of what is going on with Q, but then I quickly slap myself and say..."you can't control K and what she is going to do"...so then I try and quickly re-focus on the kids or driving, I have to constantly remind myself of looking forward and doing this for me....and being a great father is one of the many things I want to be remembered as.

Perfect Storm

2017-09-14T18:18:00.004-04:00

In my quest to improve myself and trying to move forward, I need to understand what drove me to lie and lose so much money for so long.

I was starting to explore this in my recent therapy session and I am starting to realize that I was guided by a path of perfectionism. This was instituted in me at an early age from my family and developed in a way that I was going to be on my own to succeed. I was driving my decisions on a path to a "perfect" life with no struggles and no problems and assumed that is what K wanted. I always avoided conflict and even accepting any truths to any problems in my life and that of my family's. I was thinking that this was protecting my family from any pain but all I did was to create a volcano of pain that eventually erupted due to my dishonesty.

With this strive for perfection and the underlying addiction/disease that I have, the last few years created a very stressful environment for me..a perfect storm. I was committed to providing for my family and going through plans that we had for a major addition to our home. Since we have been talking about doing this project for years, we have saved a ton of money for the project. And that is how it all started.

Since I have have access to all of this money, I tried to create a little bit more cushion for us if any surprises come up during construction. So I tried to make money through stock market investments. One loss turned into another....and next thing I knew I was chasing trying to get back to break-even. The progressive nature of the disease was at full throttle and the large invoices continue to pile in from the general contractor...The losses got larger over time because I was chasing a larger loss and losing time in the process since the project was progressing....That is all I could think about during the last two years, managing these large checks out with hoping to go on a winning streak and getting back to break-even as the balance in the account was shrinking fast.

I never got close, and then I find myself to a breaking point where the project was wrapping up and I depleted every aspect of our net worth to zero....making decisions that caused more financial pain in the long run....I was not thinking clearly during those years and see how this addiction is a mental disease.

I sit back and say to myself, I know I am not that man....We worked so hard to get us to the point to start the addition of the house....made all the right moves with our money, and then the perfect storm hit me:

#1. gambling addiction that I have had my whole life
#2. my perfectionism to not be able to talk about anything wrong with our lives
#3. house project that I had me start with access to a large set of $'s

I know this doesn't explain all of it and I am in the early stages of really being honest with myself about all of this...but this is what is going through my head right now...

If you are interested in another resource, here is a great article that I cam across on How Perfectionism destroys Happiness..

Yin and Yang of a day

2017-09-13T08:19:00.001-04:00

So not too bad of a day yesterday....there were some good things that happened and there were some bad things that happened, but overall I would rate it as an okay day.

First, let me talk about the bad things so that I can end on a positive note....thinking about Operation Mental Reset...I was reminded again today that K and Q are still very much together which I have come to accept over the last few weeks, but what makes it a bad thing is that he was in the house with my youngest child there. You see, I have a hard time with the fact that there is another man in the house with one or all of my kids. He is a little over 2 years old and doesn't fully talk yet but can communicate very well as he tells you what he wants all the time. And the fact that Q is in the house during multiple times so early into this separation process, I think it is confusing my youngest child.

So how do I know: There is an Amazon Echo in the house, and not sure if all owners are aware, but the recordings are stored within the device. I am able to access the recording remotely and came across an unintended recording with the Echo picking up about 3-5 seconds of something Q was saying to K. Again, I think K doesn't think I am this diligent, but when I realized there was something going on with Q, I started to think that I need to protect my kids whatever path my relationship with K goes down. If she ever did come across this blog, she also will be very angry at me as she will consider this an invasion of her privacy but I am doing this to protect my kids....and I know for a fact that she would be doing the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot....as I have witnessed obsessive behaviors from her....I tried not to think about that recording throughout the day, but I do hate these reminders of our situation.

So now onto the positives parts of the day.

First, I was able to get 2 more hours of free therapy from the therapist that I have been talking to. About a week or so ago, I needed to stop going because of affordability but my therapist was able to get some free time...and I am very much appreciative of it....I was able to talk to her for 30 mins yesterday and it helped me focus on moving forward with my life and what I can control.

Secondly, I came into some unexpected money. My boss called me and told me that I got a raise due to inequity in the marketplace at my level....A much needed surprise and it came at the right time. Unfortunately, based on how the limited the conversations have been going with K, didn't share the news with her...I am sure I will tell her sometime but with that fact that I have been replaced so quickly by Q in her life....didn't feel like sharing that with her.

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