Holding on with both hands

2012

2012-01-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of "stuff" in the air for the start of a new year & it makes me think this one will be rather interesting. Yes some of it is of my own doing, complicating my life in some ways that are positive & in some that may not be quite so clever but seem necessary at this point.

I am battling with my self perception, particularly the effect that the MS has on me and viewing myself as a lesser person because of it. Realistically it doesn't make me that different from other people but I am incredibly aware that many others treat me differently (varying from "made of porcelain" through to "Unclean Plague carrier.. flee.. flee now") Those who do not treat me differently belong in two camps also.... those who dont care because they just dont give a rats as I am not their problem & those who just accept me for me regardless of my level of function that very second.

Most people belong in the first 3 groups, including many people "close" to me. My favourites are the few from the last group, the ones that can laugh with me when something silly happens, the ones that treat me as a person with a heart, a sense of humour & a temper. Those ones make me feel human, like the old me but better, like there is hope.... those ones I adore & need more of in my life.

I am far from perfect (as many of you well know), but hopefully this year I'll learn to accept the new version of me that emerges. Or at least start to........

List lust.....

2011-12-22T04:40:00.000-08:00

(Yeah I'm going to get all sorts of spammy comments for that word in the title.. so grateful for comment moderation! lol)

I am suffering List Lust! Everywhere around me people are coming up with eleventy billion cool, fun and deep sounding goals for 2012. From personal revelations through to business plans, from how to put the spark into relationships through to conquering challenges that would make iron men quake.

I have to admit I'm as jealous as hell & the temptation strikes me many times per day... but I'm not freakin caving. There will be no lists for me in this house, no plans apart from saying YES as often as possible (ok.. obv I will be guided by what passes for common sense but even so I'm ignoring half of that too!)

I just want to see what happens, what opportunities my fear & heavily guarded soul prevent me from taking. The possibilities are terrifying & the chance of experiencing my greatest fears is very real.

Most people I talk to do not see the point, why risk pain if you don't have to, why not say NO as often as possible & keep to the status quo?

But my life is not that different from others, I'm just a little more aware that none of us know how long we have on this planet. I know that each one of us can wake up with less ability tomorrow than we had today, things happen, life changes in a instant and people can vanish in a single moment.

So why not take chances, see where we end up and actually live instead of exist. Yes I may be regretting this in a week or less into 2012 but at least the next 12 months will be an adventure! You might even be tortured with more regular posts!??!

2 Months in a few lines............

2011-12-11T04:57:00.001-08:00

Ooops! So much for regular blogging...... At some point in mid October I seem to have been bitch slapped by life, rediscovered a couple of old friends (although they wouldn't appreciate me calling them old lol) & have been dealing (or rather not dealing well with) a couple MS attacks.

Fortunately there's no new symptoms, just old ones that wont friggin go away, even with steroid treatment & as I've refused the next treatment step (as it's Chemo & wiping out my immune system...) I just have to try to ride it out.

The garden is pretty non existent apart from the fruit trees & vines & the herb patch... I've missed my chance of getting the raised beds set up but might still get a few potted things up & running - just quick things of course.

I've also been struggling with the magic "To do" list for 2012... if you've been reading for a while then you know I'm nuts about lists & have had some sort of resolution listy thing since I was about 15. Considering how many things are currently COMPLETELY out of my control I've decided (now sit down folks...), well I've decided that 2012 will have NO LISTS!

Yep... you read it right! NO LISTS! Just a general attitude of saying YES more often & seeing what happens.

Hey! It could work! I think.....

Back with actual content soon.......... or not lol

I'm so clever.............(not)

2011-10-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

I log in to write a post explaining that I put the L in Lazy when it comes to blogging at times & what do you know.... this little box pops up asking if I want to switch to "Dynamic Views"?..... And wouldn't you know it but this box had a BUTTON!!!!

Well if you know what I'm like you know I cant resist a button! So now we have new bloggy look thing that I cant do anything with...... all my gadgets & blog roll are gone hiding somewhere in a control panel I'm clueless about yet so expect more changes, mistakes & whining til I get it right.

Anyway.. so where was I? Oh yeah... I did make 30 things in September... granted most of them were puffs but that's a good thing as I need approx 1 squillion of them. I also finished Miss K's shrug.

And spent a lot of time with the fluffybum known as Miff and waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time playing on G+, finding old friends (some of which may not want to have been found... oops!) & making new ones. A lot of people underrate online friendships but when you're a virtual shut in like moi it plays an important role - Hey lets face it sometimes it's the only adult conversation I have in the day.

We're all well, life is good & now you can consider yourself updated! ( I never said it was going to be an exciting blog post.... but the next one might be *hint hint*)

Vale Sara Douglass

2011-09-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

Herald Sun

We have lost a lovely woman. Although I had only spoken to her online I feel like I have lost a good friend.

Her books kept me company on those long cold nights when my children were babies & transported me to a place that wasn't full of dirty nappies & a child that screamed 24/7.

Through her Voyager page I made contact, at first just the odd message board chat & then an email here & there. She was always gracious, always entertaining & witty. Her blog about her attempts to become self sustainable-ish was discovered a year or so into my own journey that direction. I have linked to a deep meaningful post about her own mortality but take the time to read the rest of her blog if you haven't visited there before, it is an invaluable source of information.

RIP Sara & Rake on.

Day 24

2011-09-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ooops! There has been quite a bit of blog silence lately! Things have still been happening but I have been lousy at documenting them.

Puffs have been made with hand dyed yarn.
Rooms rearranged
Garden managed & planned
Jewellery made
ATC cards done
Cooking & cleaning products made
plus more............ I'll try to get some photos the second I have daylight & 5 minutes to do something!

One more week of madness then peace....... this has been the busiest September ever.

Day 13

2011-09-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

ONE puff! I've made a grand total of TWO in the last 5 days... at that rate it'll take forever to get the 1000 or so I need *sigh*

Day 13 was another mad rush kind of day.... ending in a focus group about supermarkets with a nice cash incentive. Thankfully things are calmer now and I might actually get a few more things done.

Day 12

2011-09-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

WOW! What a week it is already!
Following on from a busy weekend we have had the home school review today with the Ed Dept. & have a friend making a visit tomorrow followed by a focus group for me tomorrow night.

I'm exhausted already!

Craft today extended to spinning some Sari silk. It's gorgeous but I don't have a clue what I'll do with it!??! I'm always drawn to Sari silk & Banana Silk & Hemp but never manage to find the right projects for them. One of these days I'll actually make something with it.

Day 11

2011-09-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

(This used to be where my very small fridge lived)

It's been an incredibly hectic weekend- we have rearranged the kitchen, moved out the old fridge, cleaned walls and chosen a new paint colour, rearranged the loungeroom & chosed a wall colour for there too, bought a new tv & set up Miss Miff's home and spent time with her.

Also in the panic that is my life.... I have finished writing up K's home school review... which is tomorrow morning!!!Oh & organised all of her display folders with examples of work etc.

Really all of it was creative but not in a traditional sense... I even started up a new batch of Citrus Cleaner. Some days even chores can be creative... a new decoration, a moved cupboard... it all refreshes the brain & leads to other ideas.

Day 10

2011-09-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

Today a huge chunk of it went to finding Miss Miff a nice cage, some toys and a drink bottle. Oh & the patting, brushing and snorgling that goes with having your very own puff of angora to play with. The poor things feet have barely touched the ground!

I have also been ripping up more tshirts and plotting out a design on the hessian for my new bath mat. The only thing fully completed was ONE more puff. Time is also being taken up preparing the review information for K's home schooling review Monday- I have notes... I know what to write... but I haven't even begun to write it yet! Must be nuts!!! Two nights to write 6 pages!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!

Day 9

2011-09-09T04:44:00.000-07:00

Today I instead of creating "something" I instead created the opportunity for much more creating & truckloads of love well into the future.

This 8 week old French Angora bunny joined us. She is beautiful, curious and has a quiet aura of intelligence about her. She is also affectionate & is already running up & down the hallway pausing to see if we are still watching.

I am in love.

Day 8

2011-09-08T03:18:00.000-07:00

It had to happen.... it always happens & to everyone at some point.

I had a major FAIL! This WAS a handbag. Hand spun Merino, knitted up & then (in theory) felted.

Well it shrunk in height but GREW lengthwise... the exact opposite to what I wanted, Instead of getting a firm fabric bag which I was going to add some very cool vintage handles to- well lets just say I now have an over sized and floppy pencil case. I'm not sure that it's worth trying to felt it any further (as I've already tried 3 times & it's looking a little worn) so now I get to figure out what to use it for.

*Sigh*

Day 7

2011-09-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

A little wire work today. Sterling silver cages that have been oxidised to look really filthy as a contrast to the AB coated large Czech glass beads (they are about the size of a large marble)

I also started cutting up old tshirts for my new bath mat... boy do I need new SHARP scissors!!!! Tomorrow I have to raid the kids old clothes for all those tshirts they've stained, ruined or grown out of... that should give me more to work with!

Day 6

2011-09-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

*Preserved Puffs (aka what to do with Fowler's jars that are too chipped to seal*

Day 6 was spent waiting on the fridge delivery & setting it up but I did manage to get my hexipuffs sorted & two more made. Pictures are still not my friend.... it's really drab here today & the flash is auto if I dont want the shakes to take control of the pic quality.

I'm enjoying the puffs but am fast realising that my idea of sock yarn is pretty much all purples, greys & blues with the odd pink thrown in. I really need to dye up some mini skeins for variety. Might get on to that tomorrow.

Also in the plans.... a tshirt rag rug so I've been searching through the kiddies "too small" pile. This will be fun.

Day 5

2011-09-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted! Another mad day... this time at the Royal Show where showbags & fibrey things were bought, food was eaten and animals were patted. 7 hours of walking does take it's toll on my body though so it's another photo attempt tonight.

One of the first Portaluca flowers for Spring (although they seem to go all year round here) I had the shakes pretty bad after so much walking but somehow the flower managed to be fairly crisp. Gotta love camera with shake resolution!

Tomorrow is fridge delivery today... providing all goes well.. so tonight I still have to clean the kitchen floor. Odds are it'll also be where I end up sleeping for the night as I could fall alseep on a rakes' edge at the mo!

Day 4

2011-09-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

This has probably been the most hectic start to September... EVER! Between electrical issues, appliance shopping, Father's Day & life it's been crazy! Tomorrow we'll be trekking off to the Royal Show for a day of sheep & piggie patting, rides, show bags and many hours of walking,

Today's creative grab was spindle spinning.... this is the result of approx 30g of 19 micron merino fibre. It's approx a lace weight in singles form but there are a few fuzzy bits as it's so buttery soft & slippery. Hopefully it will balance out at sock weight when I get around to plying it.

Day 3

2011-09-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

I ran out of daylight today. Unfortunately Fridge & Laptop shopping took the majority of the day along with the usual lunch & running M back & forward to work. *sigh* (my weekends are NOT relaxing!)

So at the last minute, after dropping Miss M off, I noticed this view as I got out of the car in my driveway & decided to try a few "arty" photo shots. Of a dozen or so this is my favourite... usually I suck at photos, my MS makes my hands shake too much to get good clear shots on most days... but I actually like this one. (Even with the outline of my poor frazzled flowers!)

The picture shows the tiny bit of sky we can see between the very tall fence, next doors roofline & the carport roof. This bit was pretty... half a metre over was black clouds & dreary.

Day 2

2011-09-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've had this Pencil Roving for ages and no idea what to do with it but i loved how thick it was, even if it was fragile and pulled apart easily.

So I added some hot water, bit of detergent and....

Semi felted REALLY thick yarn which turned into this:

Which I'm using for this:

It's so thick! The first time I've felted something with the intention of knitting it up as yarn. On 10mm needles it was hell on the wrists but it was well worth the effort.

Day 1

2011-09-01T03:57:00.000-07:00

Getting started was harder than I expected. I think I actually spent more time staring blankly at my various craft stashes, not knowing where to begin.

So I decided to do something pretty radical for me.... I've been hoarding the West Australian Rhyolite for ages. It cost a fortune as the stones are large, goreous & highly polished. I thought this was too "good" for me.... it was "special" & just for customers.

Stuff that!!! Now it's MIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNE! All MINE!

Day 1 - Stringing project- Rhyolite & Carnelian Bracelet with Brass Findings.

Leah is also taking part so have a lookie at what she's up to :o)

Mojo.......

2011-08-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

I used to consider myself to be a creative person. I made jewellery every day and loved it.

Then the economy started to slide, shops that sold my wares closed down and I no longer has regular outlets to sell my wares (Online jewellery sales suck! The market is over saturated and I don't have the marketing skills to stand out!)

So suddenly I no longer had a point to create.. there was even a backlog of "stock" staring at me with accusing beady eyes. Creating stopped with a screech.........

After a good 18 months of going nowhere I know I miss it. Being creative helped me to take time for myself. To explore my dreams & interpretations. To escape the stresses of everyday life.

So to force myself to get back into it I will be doing 30 creative things in September (yeah.. I don't have a cute name for it... It's late!)

30 completed projects, all & any crafts, food, photography etc..... just SOMETHING where I had to think & create something. There will be a photo, rough outline of what it is & they will be on this blog.

If anyone else wants to join in then feel free to leave your blog link in the comments.

If it sounds like hell on earth to you then you *might* want to ignore me til October.

I *will* find myself again.... I expect I left me somewhere under the recyclables.

On My Mind.....Cough

2011-08-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Weeeeeelllll.... you know how I was saying that I wasn't going to buy that pattern anytime soon.... how I said that I had too many other projects??!??

Well I *accidentally* fell onto the "Buy this Pattern" link & may have just happened to enter my paypal password in my attempts to get up again..... yeah yeah I bought it (& I can already picture the smirks so no photographic evidence please!)

I admit it.. I have NO willpower once something grabs me.

So I'm puffing along... 3 down.. only another 4 or 5 hundred to go (unless i decide to go really big!) I'm thinking this will be a year or so.... Why do I do this to myself?? LOL

Obsessions.......

2011-08-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ever have something sneak it's way into your life & take hold firmly? For some it may be a romance, a career choice or something else significant.... For me it's usually craft related.

I need another project like I need a swarm of ants invading my house.. but still one particular project haunts me... I dream about it, have sorted out my stash to see if it's possible & have a nearly full bag of polyfill left from MIss M's "Fashion" subject mocking me in the corner.

My obsession with the pattern can not be explained... I'm not even a wannabe quilter! None of this is making any sense!!!

So why am I so obsessed with this:

the beekeeper's quilt from tinyowlknits on Vimeo.

I've made myself wait to buy the pattern... I cant purchase it until there's enough money in paypal to pay this months fees & afford the pattern but as sales are minimal at the moment it might take a few months before I can purchase it.

At least that way the blankets for the girls might get finished first!

On my mind........

2011-08-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

Now now don't get too worried!

Our toilet is dying.. it's sprung a leak in the porcelain and needs to be replaced... but of course as we rent this means negotiations with the landlord. Long story but as they are relatives it never goes well... IE the laundry still floods every time I do washing & we've been negotiating over that for a decade or so.

Must remember to buy a lotto ticket!

Why you'll find me here..

2011-08-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of posts all over the Internet about Google+, all from much more tech savvy people than myself but I have to admit I love it! I'm Caryl S on there & for once I'm happy to say that as, unlike other social media sites. on G+ I have control of my content & privacy.

I'd love to set up a circle of like minded, self sufficient, survivormentalist folk, greenies or just people who don't feel the need to buy the latest & greatest whatevers so please feel free to add me. If you would like an invite please leave your email in the comments (they are moderated so no-one but me will see it)

Rollercoaster....

2011-07-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

The past week has been one of those & not in a good way so it's time to step back and focus on what I have rather than what I don't or what could make it easier.

Frankly easy isn't better.. easy tends to lead to dissatisfaction as nothing was learnt, nothing was EARNED (well that's what I'm telling myself anyway..)

Although things are slow & difficult at least I am growing things.. the back yard now contains..

Walnut tree
Grapefruit tree
Donut Peach
Dwarf Peach
Apricot
Young berry x2
Raspberry
Ju-jube
Blood Orange
Pepino x 3
Tamarillo
Flame seedless Grape
Thompson seedless Grape
Kiwi fruit (2f 1m)
Finger Lime
Feijoa
Chilean Guava
Lemon (Eureka)
Bay Tree
Brown Turkey Fig
Indian Guava
Curry Leaf Tree
Rosemary Bush
Bay tree
Strawberry (x6)
Oregano, Thyme, Parsley, Mint, Lemon Balm, Chives
Rhubarb
Capsicum, Paprika Chili & Anaheim Chili
Carrots
Celeriac
Mustard Greens
Beetroot
Broccoli
Cabbage

Although I feel like I haven't achieved much & that there's very little growing at this point I need to remember that it's still winter. Come spring & summer there will be life int he garden, there will be food and this is only the beginning... there's still so much more space and I haven't even started planting for summer.

It may be small to many but to me it's Hope.