Holistic Perspectives

The Key to Making Big Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:14:00 +0000

This idea could change your life. I did for me.

If you could get yourself to do the things that you know will make you happy or bring you success, you would be happy and successful. But, like most of us, we know what we need to do...but we don't do it. There are all kinds or reasons and excuses. The bottom line is not that we don't have the ability, it's that we don't have the right thinking.

For years I wanted to stop eating meat, fish, cheese, eggs. I had all the reasons. Health, environment, compassion for animals. Try as I might I never succeeded. Then I had this idea. I call it brainwashing myself, which my daughter Angela instructed me that that was too negative a term. So, let's call it reconditioning my mind.

The great thing in our modern world is that you don't need anyone to help you, or do it for you. You do it yourself. It's easy. It's fast. It's simple. It works. And it doesn't take up a lot of time.

Back when I wanted to change my diet I considered ideas that I learned back in grad school working on my doctorate. Putting together concepts regarding motivation and changing habits, I hit on the idea of using youtube to "recondition" my mind. Knowing that if I could change my mind, that would lead to a change in behavior and actions.

Every morning, for about 10 minutes, I would watch a youtube video on all the reasons not to eat animal products. (This was for avoidance conditioning.) Every evening, for 10 minutes, I would watch a video on what to eat instead. (This was for attraction conditioning.)

I began to detest the idea of eating animal flesh. I began to discover alternative meals that were delicious. (Who would have thought Indian food could be so good?) It worked. It wasn't painful. It wasn't difficult. I changed my mind and it didn't take willpower or work to change my behavior.

The videos not only work on your emotions, they give you great ideas and the wisdom of the community of others who want the same as you. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. It's already done for you. The research, the answers, the science, the experiences.

Recently I had been struggling with my running. I love running. For years I ran 5 miles every day. Over the past 3 or 4 years different issues came up which prevented me from doing the 5 miles. And every time I tried to recondition myself I couldn't get there. I would get tired and stop after 2 or 3 miles. And every run was a struggle.

At first I thought maybe it was because I was now 65 years old. Too old to run 5 miles a day. But, I could see that other people were running marathons and were older than me. No, it wasn't physical, it was mental. And I remembered what I did to change my diet.

Back on youtube I watched running videos. This time I added a books and articles to read. I had to get back to running. The videos inspired me, books gave me new ideas on what to do. I am happy to say that it worked like a charm. In fact, I'm so excited about running again I'm looking at training for a marathon.

I am convinced there is no other way so easy to change your life to get what you want with so little effort. Some of you will think what a sweet little article and idea, and then forget about it, because even 20 minutes a day is too much work for you, too high a price. But, some of you will give it a try and be amazed that you can change your life. What do you want? Go for it!

Breathing

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 11:30:00 +0000

This morning while I was meditating, as is my practice every morning, I had an insight. I was paying attention to my breath, a favorite way to quiet my mind and thoughts, and realized that I wasn't the one doing the breathing.

Of course I could control my breath, up to a point, but my breathing was going on of itself. Or was it? If I wasn't doing the breathing then who was? The obvious thing would be to say my body was. But was it? My body does all kinds of things without my awareness. Digestion, fight off infections, eliminate waste, maintain a correct temperature. How do all these things happen without my help?

Okay, so I'm not the one doing the breathing. Who is? My body? But, my body is just a collection of atoms, into molecules, into cells, into tissues, into organs. What does an atom or molecule know? Or a cell or tissue or organ know for that matter? They don't have brains. Maybe my body isn't running the show. So who is?

At that point the idea that it was nature came to mind. Nature? What is nature. Plants, animals, mountains, oceans, deserts. No, that is just stuff, material, physical, chemical, biological stuff. Those things can't do anything. I suspect, and this is just my feeling, nature and God are the same. That's what the Seventeenth Century Dutch philosopher Spinoza thought. The intelligence that controls all my body without my awareness is the same intelligence that controls (maintains and created) the universe.

If not God, then who is running my body when I'm not? I'm open to other suggestions.

So, who cares, what's the point, what difference does it make in real life? For one, to me it's very interesting that there is another intelligence involved in keeping me alive. Me, I'm the awareness of all this. But not the master conductor. God, or nature, is the energy and intelligence that supports "my" life. There is a partnership, team thing going on. I'm not in this alone. We are not in this alone. When I meditate, when I watch "my" breathing I am watching God. I am watching God keep me alive. I am intimately connected to nature, to all living and non-living parts of this universe. And that is a comforting thought.

A Fish in a Tank

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Fri, 26 May 2017 05:01:00 +0000

We are fish in a tank. Not really sure where the tank ends. It's a big tank. Actually, we can't see the end of the tank it's so big. We live in this tank, and everything goes along obeying the laws of physics. That is, most of the time for many people.

Some fish in this tank have odd experiences though. For example, this fish here, Frank. Being highly educated and a rational fish accepts the laws and theories of science. Climate change is real. Evolution can be seen in historical perspectives. The universe, I mean this fish tank, began with a big bang. Etc.

For many people that's it. All that exists is this fish tank. Everything experienced occurs according to the laws of physics and chemistry in our little world. There is no proof that there is anything beyond the fish tank.

The Frank fish would be happy to agree with these people. He doesn't want to look like a stupid fish believing in fairy tales from the past. How can there be anything beyond our fish tank? But, early in this fish's life strange things happened. Once, while jumping out of the water he saw a glimpse of a sky and land outside the tank! (Maybe it was the LSD he took.)

But, then it happened another time without help. Not sure that the fish dreamed it up or it actually happened but a voice from outside the tank told him something that surely could not have come from inside the tank. It wasn't just that the voice sounded from outside, but the message was so powerful, such a directional force for the fishes life that the fish is convinced, even 30 years later, that no fish intelligence could ever have made this up.

It happened one time, again, not knowing if this occurred in reality or imagination (so real was the experience), the fish experienced being lifted out of the tank, was shown a dry world, and given another message that could not have been thought up by a fish. How strange.

At this point the fish didn't know what to believe. Some fish friends think he is silly and some think not. Some have even had similar experiences. But those who have never had any experience of being outside the tank rightfully point to the science that this is impossible. And Frank fish agrees. It is impossible...but, it happened. What can you do? Maybe those experiences were just imagination. Maybe the tank is just imagination.

The fish still swim in the tank. Who knows? The tank is certainly more interesting these days. Some problems are not meant to be answered but lived with. And who knows...maybe we all get to look out of the tank at some time.

Being Observant

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Wed, 17 May 2017 07:41:00 +0000

Did you know that being observant can make you happier? Can make your life more peaceful? Can give you more control of your emotions? It can and does. Recently I have realized that being observant is one of the most useful skills to acquire. It's true.

Normally we live our lives on cruise control. Things happen, we react. We see a Facebook post, it makes us angry. We do things, and our minds are on something else. We eat dinner but don't taste what we eat because we are thinking of what to do next. Things happen in our lives that take away our happiness, our peace, our control, and because we are not observant we don't do anything about it.

I don't know how this came about but the last few months I have been able to observe myself and my life more. It may have something to do with my meditation practice. Meditation often is about becoming more skillful in watching thoughts and life as it comes and goes. I catch myself noticing events and I catch myself not noticing what I have just done (which also is important).

I live in the very noisy and crowded Vietnamese city of Nha Trang for a good part of the year. Transportation for me is on my motor bike. The Vietnamese, and now the Russians living here, use their horns constantly. Usually to announce their presence and to get out of their way. (In all fairness, not all Vietnamese do this.) I generally get angry at the rudeness. Recently I catch myself, notice my useless emotions, and seeing that they do not make me feel better, I let them go.

At first the noticing was occasional. Then it became more and more. I began noticing the noticing and that the more I noticed the more I was in control of my reactions to events in my life.

Seeing that this was making me feel better I have attempted to expand my noticing and observing. It works. It works while doing pleasant things too, like eating or getting a massage. The experience becomes richer and more enjoyable.

Becoming more observant and developing the skill of noticing things may be one of the more important abilities we can acquire. It can really make you happier. It can help you do what is important to you, not what you have been conditioned to do. And life can become more peaceful.

The Labyrinth

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 04:42:00 +0000

A number of years ago, when I was enrolled at Union Institute and University working on my Ph.D. in psychology, one of my classes took a weekend away for introspection or something like that. Part of the training involved walking a labyrinth.

A labyrinth is a maze-like walking path used to foster reflection or induce a spiritual experience. Used in religious settings in can take the place of a mini pilgrimage. I am not inclined to have faith in such practices, although I have had what are commonly called "spiritual experiences" a few times in my life. I had no expectations at all in beginning this exercise, and thought it would be a waste of time.

There were about 40 of us students and slowly one at a time we entered the labyrinth. I was about in the middle in entering. The labyrinth begins as a wide circle spiraling inwards. You walk in circles becoming smaller and smaller until you reach the center and then reverse direction and walk out.

I tried to clear my mind as I began, taking my steps consciously. Slowly something began to happen. I can only describe it as a feeling of warmth, love, kindness, and safety. I walked past other people and saw them as partners on my life journey. The whole walk took on the image of my life in symbol. In other words, the labyrinth became a symbol for my whole life.

I continued to walk closer and closer to the center. As I did, the feelings became stronger and stronger. I realized I was walking towards God, who was the center of my life. By the time I go there tears were streaming down my face. What caused all of this makes no sense what-so-ever from a rational scientific perspective. None of this should have been happening.

The center of the labyrinth held me for a moment and I experienced perfect joy, peace, happiness. Complete fullness and I realized I lack nothing. I turned and began the journey back out into the world. I remember stepping out of the maze and looking at the sky, seeing a small plane flying over. And experiencing complete freedom.

For me, that day was a gift and a message. Our lives are meant to be a spiritual walk to Grace. We are given joy, love, peace, in a surprise. And then we walk back out into the world, sharing what we have been given. There is nothing to share if we don't, by grace, experience God, or the Source (call it whatever you want to call it). But, each of us can...and must do this, if we want to heal the world, love our friends, be useful in some way, we must walk inward in whichever way we can.

Thank you to my sister Joyce, who in recently walking a labyrinth, reminded my of this one. And it reminds me I can do this walk everyday of my life. Love to you all.

The Most Important Thing To Know

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 08:00:00 +0000

What is the most important thing to know? Some people think it is to know if there is a God or not. Some think that it is to know that science has the only answers that are important. Or that the physical world is all there is. What is the meaning or purpose of life? These are big truths that need answering. But I propose that there is a truth that you need to know before all of these. If you ignore this truth, all other truths (or beliefs) that you hold may be wrong or arrived at by mistake.

Here is the most important thing you need to know: we see the world not as it is but as we are.

Why is this the most important thing to know? Because we don't see reality, the world, the universe, simply as it is. We are biased. Let me say this again louder. We are biased. We cannot help it. We are made that way. All that we think and how we evaluate evidence to come to conclusions are the result of living our lives up to now. We don't hold our beliefs...there is a God, or the opposite, the physical world is all there is, on pure evidence that we have accumulated rationally.

Human beings are not rational creatures, even though we like to think that we are. That is another false belief most of us hold, but there is plenty of research showing this is true. My friends that are atheists have come to this belief, and it is a belief, through evidence that has been put together based on something else other than a rational system. And the same goes for my friends who are theists and believe in a God.

We can see the same things and come to different conclusions all the time. Look at the political landscape these days. Liberals think conservatives are crazy, or worse. Conservatives think liberals are crazy, or worse. And we live in the same country, exposed to basically the same things, but we filter out the evidence differently. So we see the world differently. We see the world not as it is, but as we are.

This is so important to know. First of all, if we realize this we can hold our beliefs not so tightly. We can be open to take in evidence better. Know that what you see is not simple truth, simple reality. We have an inner filtering devise. It's not important to try to get rid of it, just know it is there.

Secondly, knowing that our filter, our mind and emotions, changes what is real to something else, we have to know that what it is we are seeing is changed by who we are. We can't help it. It is in our nature. I've had incredibly loving parents. It's easy for me to believe in a loving God, a safe universe. If I had been brought up in a dysfunctional home, chaotic, maybe I would start my search for reality from a different place using a different filter for my evidence.

I am not arguing here for either realities. I am saying that unless you understand this, most likely what you believe in is distorted by your life experience. We need to know that we are wearing a filter, then, and only then, can we begin to look at the evidence around us and try to understand our world. To do it without knowing that we see the world not as it is leads us into error and probably a waste of precious time.

How Should I Live My Life?

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 08:33:00 +0000

As I have been getting on in years (not realizing this simply by counting the numbers, but through the loss of parents, changes in living situations, and my body not being as athletic as it was just a few years ago) I have been thinking more and more about the big questions.

Actually, there is only one question when you get to the heart of it. What is real?

By that I mean, is the universe made up of only material things that can be counted and measured? Or are there more, non-material "things" such as souls, spirits, love, justice, free-will?

I am an educated person and I real a lot and hopefully with degrees in philosophy, holistic counseling, and psychology I should be able to say something meaningful about "the big question." I read and listen to lectures regarding these topics and have come to a tentative conclusion worth sharing. Do not expect a proof or such, because that is unattainable. The best any of us can do is submit evidence and others can do what they will with it. Everyone comes with their own biased lenses in how they see the world. We can never take those lenses off, the best we can do is to be aware and try to compensate for them.

Starting with the Big Bang does nothing to support a materialist reductionistic position. If you believe that matter is all there is, then good luck on hanging your hat on this one. We are asked to believe that there was nothing (or a tiny particle) and then we have the universe. Ha ha. That makes the miracle stories in the Bible seem like childs play. The best that scientists can say is that there was a quantum fluxuation and a particle "wormed" its way into existence (out of nothing). Easier to believe that a guy turned water into wine than that one.

From there I went back to my graduate studies on quantum physics. The story gets worse. Particles that only materialize some place when they are observed, until then they are only waves existing...everywhere and nowhere. I am not going to discuss quantum physics here other than to say that our best scientists describe the universe at the quantum level as...spooky.

Where does that leave me and my quest for understanding the big question, what is real? Right where it seems I am supposed to be. My conclusion is that we are not supposed to know. But, we are supposed to wonder. We are supposed to consider these things. And in doing that I find that I do have an answer to what is real. And it is exciting and of practical daily use!

What is real? Don't fall off your chair. This is the last thing I thought I would ever say. This stuff never interests me. Here it is:

Technically speaking...its ethics. Rationally speaking...its living a moral life. Practically speaking... its being kind.

Briefly (I've already made this blog too long) here is a simple bit of evidence supporting my thoughts.

What is the most healthy diet and life style for human beings? Turns out the healthiest is also the kindest. If you don't eat animals, or consume their means of reproduction, you will live longer and healthier. (There are some of you who will disagree, but, there is so much evidence for this position that I consider it a fact and dare any one to a debate about it.) At the same time you are being kind to the planet as a whole.

Anyway, you get the point. The hard science and physical universe is a mystery beyond belief. But, that's okay, because that isn't what is most important to you. You and I want to be healthy and happy human beings. And now you know how to do it.

If I had been listening to the Dalai Lama, who said that his religion is kindness, I could have found this out a long time ago. Good luck, be kind.

Music, Life, and Forever Young

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 07:07:00 +0000

I don't know about anyone else but when I think about my life I always go back to my late teens and early 20's as being the most alive, or more accurately, most evolving and changing. Maybe that's the same thing. Changing/evolving equals alive.

It was at that time I began emerging like a chick from a shell. I became aware of the outer world. And what I saw I attached myself to in a way that imprinted itself on me for most of my life. Music of that time was one of the strongest influences on me. Why music?

In those days our lives rolled out to the soundtrack of rock and roll, blues, motown, jazz, and country. Looking back it seems like music was everywhere with everything we did. We became infected.

The first thing I ever bought on my own was the first Beatles album after seeing them on the Ed Sullivan Show. The Beatles and the Stones were my musical ushers. We knew the words to every song on every album by heart. We sang "I Saw Her Standing There" in the school yard at recess with air guitars. My cousin Joey and I sang "Please Mr. Postman" to the postman when he came with the mail.

Then the Red Sox won the pennant in '67 and the highlights played out to the music of "The Impossible Dream." To this day I cannot hear that song without getting goosebumps and recalling the joy of that summer.

Then came girls and parking and making out while Van Morrison and dozens of other singers sang love songs. We reflected on life with Bob Dylan. We got stoned listening to Santana and Steppenwolf. We protested war with Woodstock. Even learned to appreciate harmony with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

Back then we knew that Black Lives Mattered and loved Jimi Hendrix, Sly Stone, Diana Ross, and a host of others.

Over the years and with age the role of music changed. Instead of informing and inspiring, it became a medicine to heal the wounds inflicted on us through living. Dancing became a bit more mechanical.

Now, as life slows down again, I find myself alive and dancing like the teenager again. Rediscovering the bands that midwifed me into who I became. Quite surprised, as in welcoming back my first best friend Joey Shea into my life again, finding that we have changed little and the smile and playful kids are nearly exactly as remembered. These days I go everywhere with my ipod and music playing in my ears to drown out the constant noise of living here in Vietnam. And there has been a huge qualitative change in my life as I find myself so much happier because instead of thinking and worrying, I'm singing along to my songs!

As I write this Bob Dylan is playing in my earphones singing, and this is my wish for you :
"May your hands always be busy, May your feet always be swift.
May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changing shift.
May your heart always be joyful. May your song always be sung.
May you stay forever young."

Lost and Found in Vietnam, Chapter 3

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 06:20:00 +0000

Here is Chapter 3 of Lost and Found (work in process)

Chapter 3

How did three Americans find themselves living in southern Vietnam? (Not South Vietnam, that hasn’t existed since 1975 and the Communist victory in the civil war between the North and South. That’s how the Vietnamese in the South here referred to it. In the North, it is seen as the reunification of their divided country. A country divided by the western imperialists, first the French and then the Americans.)

A divorce catapulted me out of my simple upper middleclass American life. One day my wife came to me and said that she’s happy but she wants to be super happy. Could you find another place to live Sal?

I’d worked in the financial industry and had enough money put away so that in my mid-50’s I could take off and have a really good mid-life crisis. (50 being the new 40.) If this were THE mid-50’s instead of MY mid-50’s I’d probably consider that my life was over. But it’s not. And I decided to start a new one.

So after putting my affairs in order, which meant quitting my job, talking to my daughters (who fortunately for me were in college), and hiring a divorce lawyer, I booked a flight to Thailand and began Sal’s life, part two.

After a few days in Bangkok checking out the Temples (I got conned out of $20 by a monk), two hour massages, and eating street food to my hearts content, I caught a train to Ko Phangan, a quiet island where the beaches were clear, clean, and mostly empty. The only interesting thing I did there was to try a mushroom tea that promised a hallucinogenic experience. It was mildly reminiscent of an LSD trip way back in my own college days and did a good

job of scaring the shit out of me. I did like the fact that it did make time seem unreal, as did LSD years ago.

I quickly grew bored in Thailand and determined that sitting in the sand all day was no way to have a good psychological adjustment. I needed something more exciting. I wanted something to write home about.

So then I booked a flight to Cambodia, spent a day walking the ruins of Angor Wat, brushed aside lady-boys offering to massage my body, and decided that I needed a different kind of excitement.

On to Phnom Penh and a trip to the killing fields. Genocide. Mass graves. Khmer Rouge. Pol Pot’s war on anyone with an education or glasses. The Cambodian people were sweet as could be, but I wasn’t going to stay in that land-locked city for very long. Two days later I was on a fast boat down the Mekong River, on my way to Vietnam.

And that’s where this adventure begins. After the frightening experience of being met at the border by dour-looking soldiers with guns and having to give them our passports, I fell in love with the country. The rivers, the sea, the green landscape, and most of all the playful, welcoming, fun-loving people.

My first minute off the boat and I was greeted by a young guy on a motorbike offering to find me a hotel, a massage, a girl, and a place to eat and drink. I suggested we find the hotel and then a place to eat and drink.

The next day I bussed my way to Saigon, these days officially Ho Chi Minh City. Not liking cities I stayed a few days and then took another bus to Nha Trang, a choice that

sounded interesting because the name was familiar from Vietnam War era news.

It was in Nha Trang that I fell in love with Vietnam and fell in love with more than one sweet, longhaired, short-legged, sexy, Asian woman. I loved the street food, the weather, and ocean views from just about everywhere. My traveling days were over. My troubles were not.

Lost and Found In Vietnam

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Wed, 14 Oct 2015 09:01:00 +0000

When I went back to school to get my Ph.D. I did it so I would have credentials to become a writer. Off and on I write when I have something so say. The experience has always been rewarding and educational. I'm feeling the urge to write again. Hopefully I have something interesting to say. I am going to post chapters here for anyone interested in seeing. Any and all feedback and suggestions will be welcomed and considered.

The story is about two people one lost, one found, and what was learned along the way.

So, here is "Lost and Found in Vietnam"

First page:

In the end, when all the searching is done, after a lifetime of seeking a meaning to my existence, I can go no farther than the famous physicist:

“I’m not an atheist, and I don’t think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn’t know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see the universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations.”

Albert Einstein

Chapter One

I received this email:

Dear Sal, I am writing this letter to let you know that our dear friend Brad has taken his life. Recently I went to visit him, as I had been lately. Upon reaching his apartment building, his neighbor Murray informed me that he had killed himself, something that he had long planned. I just thought that you would want to know, being his best friend and all.

The neighbors said they knew he was running out of money and they pitched in and collected a total of $50 so he could buy some food. (Which he probably spent on alcohol.) They even cleaned his apartment and tried to cheer him up.

The local police have taken for themselves anything of value from his apartment. His sister is flying to Vietnam next week to claim his body, but I think they are going to cremate him and leave some of the ashes here. Murray gave me the large set of dentist teaching teeth that he used for demonstrating proper pronunciation. I’m thinking you might like to keep them as a remembrance.

regards,

Matt

Chapter Two

Remembrance. Yeah, I remember the first time I saw Brad. It was those damn teeth. He had them hanging on the handlebars of his motorbike.

“What the hell?” I said.

“They’re used for teaching pronunciation,” said Bill. We were having lunch at our favorite greasy fish eatery. Both of us English teachers in Nha Trang, Vietnam. He knew what they were. A mouthful of teeth the size of a human head, they looked so spooky.

Brad parked his bike, walked into the restaurant, and Bill tells him he must be a teacher.

“Yup.”

“And you use those for teaching phonemes,” said Bill.

“The only teacher in all of Asia doing it right,” said Brad in his perfect Minnesota articulation.

I’m thinking this guy is so full of himself. Asshole.

“Really, I am the finest English teacher in Vietnam and China. Everyone else is doing it completely wrong,” Brad went on. I disliked him even more.

He was tall, silver hair, fairly handsome in a cute sort of way. He always wore jeans and a long sleeve button down shirt, sleeves rolled up. Not like the rest of us foreigners in Vietnam who wore shorts and tee-shirts.

“Join us if you like,” Bill offered.

Brad sat down with a crooked smile big as his ego. I just

watched the two of them, figuring out who I disliked more. Bill, extremely overweight, bald, a few years older than me, was a follower of the infamous Indian guru Rajneesh, now reborn, reincarnated, and reinvented, as Osho. He had been here in the early years of the war and came back to volunteer first in Hanoi and then at the University of Nha Trang. There was something about him that I strongly disliked. However, he was an American and a Red Sox fan, not many of those in this part of the world, so we were “friends.”

It should be noted that Bill did help save me from a disastrous relationship with a woman here that threatened to become abusive. On her part not mine. Every time I suggested we separate she suggested that we don’t …or she would jump off the 4^th floor balcony of the hotel we were living together in. (Eventually, coward that I am, I moved out on her one day when she went to the market. Bill encouraging me and easing my guilt over it.)

“Where are you teaching?” Bill asked.

“I’m mostly tutoring out of my house. Was working in Saigon, but friends of mine opened a school here in Nha Trang. I moved, the school never got off the ground, and I ended up with a few students to teach privately. Barely getting by.”

“Where are you living?” I asked.

“Out past the Tran Phu bridge. A fourth floor efficiency. Small, but with a big balcony overlooking the mouth of the river and the sea. Big enough to hold a class of 6 or 8 students.”

Somewhere in the conversation Brad told us how he hated his life, he was the most depressed person we would ever meet. And that if he had the courage he would kill himself. I didn’t take him seriously, he was too interesting and I’d never know anyone personally who seriously considered suicide.

I forget what else we talked about. We exchanged phone numbers and within a few weeks Brad and I were regularly getting together for dinner and serious conversation about teaching. Ok, the subject of women and his interest in only very young and very beautiful women, also came up.

I discovered that despite first appearances I actually liked him.

Afraid of Dying?

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 18:05:00 +0000

A month before my dad passed away I began waking up in the middle of the night with a sickening feeling of dread. Strong physical feelings of a fear of dying. I've never been afraid of death in my life. Experiences, many experiences, that I have had made me confident that there is a life after death. I know there is something magical going on beyond this physical world. So what happened?

Then in March my dad's wonderful life came to an end. (My mom had passed away a few years earlier.) Suddenly, I felt like a boat at sea whose anchor had been cut. I was adrift and I was scared of death. Why? Why now? Why after all these years of believing, knowing that there is something more after death, I couldn't feel it. Intellectually I still knew all the reasons for believing, but I couldn't feel it in my body. What happened?

Two things got me through the following months. One was a meditation practice that I had started not long before. That seemed to quiet my mind and bring a bit of peace. The other was to remind myself of all the things that happened to me over the years, that made me sense (or know) that there is something going on in the universe that goes way beyond what we see or feel or touch or count or measure. The material universe is not all there is.

As months passed I still experienced this fear now and then. The dread is mostly gone, but I still have this new "concern" that I never had before. It's always in the background of my life. Try as I might, the realization that at 63 years old death is getting closer than I like to think. I'm going to die...sometime. Actually, all of us are. We are all on death row, we just don't know the time and place. But time is running out, and will eventually.

The truth is, no matter what we experience in our lives, we can never be 100% certain that there is a life after death. Someday you will too will go through what Christian mystics call the "dark night of the soul."

So, what do we do? I don't care about trying to prove it one way or the other. That is more for intellectual entertainment. I want to know how to live with the uncertainty. How do we deal with the fear? It takes the fun out of life. Life is winding down. Our bodies are not getting stronger. Every year new parts break down.

Then one answer came to me today, and that is why I am writing this blog. Why am I afraid? It's simple but profound and it is the answer to most of our other problems in life.

The answer: Accept what is. Do not resist what life gives you. Embrace your mortality, humanity, your need to exit the stage of life and make room for others. We must accept and even embrace what is the reality of our being here.

The minute this thought came to me all fear melted away. Gone. Done. Do you want to loose the fear of death, without having to depend on religious belief? Accept it, embrace it, look forward to it. You are going to die. Okay, bring it on. I will live the most meaningful life I can until then... and then let's see what happens.

I know many people will read this and think it is too simple. Or that you have heard this all before. Me too. But, it needs reminding. It is the answer to all our fears. It is the most profound skill you can ever acquire! If you can accept your death, then, hey, you can accept anything!

Body, Mind, and Spirit: A Great Life

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 06:14:00 +0000

I don't know why but at the age of 18 I became extremely interested in the meaning of life. I'm pretty sure it got started by my first year college English professor Hobart Mitchell. He taught those of us who were curious how to meditate in his office after class. This interest in going beyond ordinary thinking and living spilled over into taking a deeper interest in developing a healthy mind and body.

You could say that for nearly my whole adult life, except for a few years in my 30's, I've been experimenting and searching for a better way to live. In a few short paragraphs I would like to share with you, in a nutshell, the fruits of this search in three critical areas: the body, the mind, the spirit.

The Body. To have a great life you need a healthy body. Exercise is vital, we all know that and there is no debate about how to do it. Just find a way that works for you and move your body every day, preferably for at least an hour. The second aspect is what and how to eat. I have researched this and read more books than you can imagine and while the advice from the "experts" is conflicting there is one doctor, one physician who stands as the one person whose nutritional guidelines I totally agree with. Dr. Joel Fuhrman. Read and follow his way in Eat for Health. After years of searching and experimenting this is the best I have found. You don't need anything else. If you want to go beyond Fuhrman you can, but I think your time would be better used working on the other two critical aspects of your life.

Which brings us to the mind. This is fairly simple to understand. And while I do have a Ph. D. in Psychology, you don't need one. The mind, like your body needs to be exercised. Daily. Too little exercise and you become bored with your life and that leads to self-medicating. Meaning you do things to make your life bearable. That includes imbalance regarding food, sex, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, and other medications. Note that I said imbalance. All these things can be enjoyed, but when the mind is not exercised it craves these things in an out of balance way.

So, what is there to do? Learn. Live your life so you are always learning something. At the lowest point in my life I was given the most important instruction I've ever received regarding mental health. I was told, by a voice in my head, that I was depressed because I wasn't doing anything challenging. Specifically, I was told to go learn to play the violin. I did. Then I took piano and guitar lessons. Then I learned to fly a plane. Then I went back to college. These days I'm learning Vietnamese. My life is balanced and I haven't needed to self-medicate for over 20 years.

Spiritual health is a little tricky because some of us get caught up in the idea of God. I am here to tell you that you can have perfect spiritual heath without a belief in God. Even if you do believe in God, don't let that belief get in your way of finding peace spiritually. Spiritual health is all about living your life right here, right now. It is about embracing and accepting all that comes to you in your life as it is. There is a lot more that can be said, but I will refer you to two books by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now and A New Earth. I've spent my whole adult life reading in this area and no one explains it more clearly than this guy.

In the end, you and I, in essence, are containers. The content of our lives is what flows through us. But that is all that it is. We have holes in our bottoms (pun intended) so that the stuff can keep flowing through. That stuff will never last, but we will. Be the container, be the watcher as the stuff comes and goes. It is a great life.

Up Hill Jogging

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 23:04:00 +0000

I learned a good life lesson this morning while jogging. At the end of my daily 5 mile run here in Westerly I have a big hill to climb up. Usually it is a killer and I finish out of breath. I start out looking way up and know how difficult it will be. And continue looking up to see how I have progressed, how much more to go. This morning I tried something different. I kept my head down.

Instead of looking way ahead to the future, I stayed in the moment and looked at my feet. I only was aware of the next step. Making sure to take enough breaths to get plenty of oxygen for my body. And, amazingly, I got to the finish feeling refreshed. Not winded. Not tired. Happy.

I want to live my whole life like that. I want to live only in the next step, aware of what I am doing now, right now. The future will take care of itself. If we pay attention to the next step we will get to where we need to go. And do it with a whole lot less pain and stress.

Imagine, living our lives like this. Step. Breathe. Step. Breathe. One step at a time. All the time. The future will be a pleasant surprise. Like reaching the top of the hill refreshed and happy.

A Change In Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 02:41:00 +0000

I thought I was going blind. One day in the middle of May I realized that the vision in my left eye was all blurry. Half of my field of vision was covered with a brown curtain, the other half was like looking through a half inch of water. How strange, all of a sudden I couldn't see right.

I went to my apartment, I was living in Viet Nam at the time, and searched the internet. Big mistake. I was sure I was going blind. So many possibilities and all bad. I hoped that it was just temporary, but I knew deep down that it was serious. By the end of the week I had figured out that I had a detached retina. If not taken care of I would go blind. And chances were that what caused it in one eye could cause it to happen in the other.

I should have left Viet Nam immediately, but I was scheduled to leave in two weeks. I didn't want to make my students nervous and I didn't know for sure what was going on. Although if I did have a detached retina they said I should have it looked at immediately. Fool that I am I stayed till the end of May and saw my opthamologist the first day back in Rhode Island.

I did have a detached retina. Fortunately, if you believe in fortune, my eye looked surprisingly healthy, and the macula was still attached. (If it was not I would be really screwed.) On June 3rd my eye was stuck with a needle and a gas bubble inserted. I had to spend the next two weeks in bed laying on my right side so the bubble could push my retina back in place. Amazing. No cutting was necessary to fix the tear in my retina. But..and this is a big but...they used a laser to "tack weld" the retina in place permanently. And that hurt like hell. Like someone sticking needles in your eye.

It's been a month now. My vision significantly improved, but is far from back to normal. My doctor said that this is it, but everything I read on the internet says it will take several months for the eye to heal and the body to remove the fluid behind the retina which is causing my vision to look like I'm seeing through water. So, who knows what will happen. And I still have a 15% chance of the same thing happening to my other eye.

I know now that I most likely will not go blind, but, I could end up with bad vision in one or both eyes. Who knows? I admit I'm a little nervous. But, I keep hearing a voice in my head. I've heard this voice all through my ordeal. It says to me that "the universe is a safe place." And "don't worry, nothing happens by chance." Do I ask "the universe" to heal my eye and make it all better, of course. And at the same time I feel a strong sense of peace that whatever does happen is best for my soul. Nothing goes wrong in our universe. There is a plan and a reason behind everything that happens to us. That is my perspective, even if my vision must change.

How Choices Are Not Always Helpful

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 15:52:00 +0000

Do you think having a lot of choices is good? Of course we do. Who wants to go to a restaurant and not have a lot of dishes to pick from? Yeah, well, this is not always the case. I was watching a video about this very subject today that argued this way.

Click here to see video: Choice: Less is More

Anyway you can check this out if you are interested. (The whole series of these videos is interesting. They are great speakers who come to speak to Google employees. I watch them in the morning while I do my yoga.)

So, okay, it makes sense to me after listening to the guy. But how does this apply to the real world? Then I thought about my living in Vietnam and how all of a sudden I started seeing all the things I didn't like about it. Before that, I loved everything. Well, most everything. Still, the change happened almost over night. And you know when that change occurred? Right after I got photos and emails from my daughter Gina living in Arizona and how wonderful and beautiful it is there. And I started thinking that I could move there.

Choice. I now had another place that I could live. Of course, because I was not living there I only fantasized about how wonderful it would be. And that is exactly when I began noticing all the things I didn't like about Vietnam.

The end result was a lot of anguish. There are a lot of people I love there. There are a lot of reasons for me to be there. But, now I also saw the bad. What to do? I spent a sleepless night and then days trying to decide what to do. In the end I decided to postpone coming back to Vietnam after the Christmas holidays and give Arizona a try. I believe that after living there a while I will see all the things I don't like about it also. Such is the nature of having choices.

I wonder how many marriages and relationships have ended because of this principle. Or jobs that we left. Or towns moved away from. (And countries.)

So what is the benefit of knowing this? Probably just being aware of how this works will be helpful in the future. I must know that when I have another choice it will always look better than what I have. It may be, but I can't know. I must not act so fast or assume what I don't know. I do know that I am headed for Arizona now, wondering what will happen, and glad that I do have options to go back to my original choice. But beware, often we don't have that option. Sometimes choices cannot be reversed.

Business Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 10:58:00 +0000

Last summer Cheryl was the second salesperson behind Dana. I found out that she was selling our product at cost. She said that customers wouldn't buy it at our regular price. Cheryl found a new job.

Ed took Cheryl's place this year. I made it a habit to check his invoices to make sure that the same thing didn't happen again. Turns out he was selling the product for more than our regular price. Turns out customers would pay more. Why was one salesperson below and one above our regular price?

They had different perspectives on what the customer was willing to pay. The customers were the same, but the salespersons' perspectives were different. Which of course led to much different outcomes in their incomes. And mine.

Choices, Now and in the Future

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:12:00 +0000

It only works in the present moment. We can't make a change and think that it will last. Why? Because it only works in the present moment.

Wouldn't we all like to, for instance, choose not to eat refined carbohydrates any more? Or choose to stop wasting time, or energy? Think of all the things you would like to change. Why can't we once and for all make a choice and be done with it? Why do we commit to a new diet today only to go off it tomorrow? Because we live only in the present. We do not and cannot live in both the present and the future.

I was thinking about an unhappy event today. I wanted to just let it go and be done with it. My mind wanted to keep going over what a rotten thing this person had done. But I wanted no more of it. Right then and there I said good bye to the thoughts. And I realized that while that could work for the moment, later on those same thoughts would come back. Why? Because we can only choose for the present moment, we cannot choose for the future. We don't live there.

Want to make changes in your life? Once isn't enough. We must choose every day until the change becomes real. I guess life is a little more challenging than we'd like it to be.

The Romance of Illusions

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:11:00 +0000

I was thinking today about not being young any more and not being ambitious like I once was (like when I started my business). For a while I was thinking what a shame that I don't have the drive to do more (not the same as energy). I am definitely on some sort of cruise control or something. I don't want to make more money or have more success.

Today at the beach I read the following by Joseph Conrad from his short story Youth: "...our faces marked by toil, by deceptions, by success, by love; our weary eyes looking still, looking always, looking anxiously for something out of life, that while it is expected is already gone--has passed unseen, in a sigh, in a flash--together with the youth, with the strength, with the romance of illusions."

Is it possible that with the passing of our youth we also lose the romance of illusions? If that is true as Conrad seems to be saying then what is going on in my life can be a good thing. Maybe I'm not driven to get more out of life, the more being a simple illusion. Maybe by letting go of the toil, deceptions, and success, I am moving beyond illusions into something more real.

My youth is gone (most of us still have our strength) but with it are the illusions and the pain and the crap that comes with it. The world wants us to think that we need to make more money and buy more things to be happy. But this is a lie so that they can have more money and buy more things. Romancing the illusions has been a wonderful learning experience for most of us. But now, I choose to sit by the seashore, watching the play of waves in wonderment. Let some kids, while they are still young, enjoy the toil and live the romance and strive for the success. It's life.

Wanting

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 01:05:00 +0000

I swear to God, if I were given three wishes, I'd use up two of them to help me not want any more. I'd keep one wish in reserve, just in case I wanted my wanting back. But, geez, there is so much wanting in life, life would be some much more enjoyable without wanting.

Actually, while my wanting is still running in high gear (along with my passions for this and that) I am much more aware of the wanting process. I notice my wanting instead of just being my wanting. And that's an important distinction. Somehow, when I notice my wanting it doesn't feel frustrating any more. It feels...like it's someone else's wanting. And maybe at that point it is.

Either way, I think I'm exhausting my supply of wanting in this life time. I don't want wanting any more. I'm done wanting. I just want to be. Does that count as wanting? Probably.

Providing Shade In August

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:08:00 +0000

There comes a time when you just are not supposed to do a lot. For trees it's winter. For me it's this summer. Learning to just be. To check in once in a while and watch my breath. Even better, watching the waves play with the sand on the shore. More peace and simple happiness these days than in years past. I could get used to this.

I notice things more than I used to. Got upset the other day at the gym when someone changed the channel to Fox News. Became aware of how my ego played its part in all of that. Why do I have to be invested in being right and the right (Republicans) being wrong? It is what it is. I don't know what is right and wrong (I know that sounds like relativism, but how do we know the truth?). I want to love what is.

It's all a process and it takes time to grow a tree. I am a tree. It's taken years to establish a strong root system. The tree is big enough and the branches bearing limbs and leaves. Fruit has been picked...hopefully still more to come. At this point in my life providing shade seems like a useful way to be. That's a perfect metaphor for my life now that action (bearing fruit) isn't such a priority.

I am a tree bearing leaves providing shade for all who find themselves sitting under my branches. Feel the soft gentle breeze?

Conditioned by the Past

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:32:00 +0000

"Since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again."
Eckhart Tolle

When I read that passage this morning something inside me went: "Pay attention to this. Here is a key to helping you do what you really want to do." I understood that here was the aid I was looking for.

We all struggle to improve our live...well, that is if we are being aware and not living our lives unconsciously. If we are on cruise-control we just react to what comes our way without thinking. But, when we stop to reflect we notice things that we'd like to change.

I've read that awareness alone was enough. Just like in therapy, awareness itself is healing. I'm beginning to realize that something more is needed. Here is an example, something I am struggling with right now.

I am doing all the right things when it comes to eating healthy foods. I eat a mostly raw vegan diet. I feel great except for one thing, my weight. I was about 10 pounds (maybe 15 if I'm being honest and strict) over my ideal weight. And I have been trying to lose it. Instead, since returning from Vietnam I've gained 7 pounds . Why?

The food I eat satisfies my hunger and all of my nutritional needs. Why do I want more? Even when I allow myself a small treat I still want more. Even when I have two small treats I want more. Why? Why? Why?!!

I have begun to notice that it isn't a physical thing at all. And, I don't believe its psychological either. Unless you consider "past conditioning" psychological. When I stop to reflect on why I do eat more than I want or need it does come down to this conditioning. Its a freaking habit! I grew up having treats in the house after dinner. If I am going to change my eating "habits" I am going to have to change my mind.

Anyway, this is just one example of how our mind is conditioned from the past and if we don't do something about it we will be "forced to reenact the past over and over again."

What can we do about this? Simple. Become aware of the habit, the conditioning. Don't resist it, but do observe it. Instead of being the habit, be the awareness of the habit. I'm going to give this a try and see what happens. If you see me and I've lost weight you'll know it worked.

Between the Sand and the Foam

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:23:00 +0000

"I am forever walking upon these shores,
betwixt the sand and the foam.
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever." Kahlil Gibran

I was thinking of this poem while sitting in the sand at the beach yesterday. With 80 degree weather it was like summer. I thought "between the sand and the foam." I looked. There was nothing between the sand and the foam. The sand and the foam is where the ocean meets the land.

What does it mean to be somewhere that can only be two dimensional, not three? What did Gibran want to convey by saying he was walking between the sand and the foam? As I watched the dance I began to see that the foam was always moving and the sand was at rest. Ah, the play of being and doing once again.

Was the poet's life lived in that non-space between doing and being? Was he trying to say that his place was a delicate balance between doing and being? I think he was. The best of lives are lived with a wise blend of activity and stillness, work and play, wakefulness and sleep.

And as for our doing and being, the tide of life will wash away what we do and the winds of change will blow away even our spiritual achievements. But...the sea and the shore, love, God, the universal intelligence that guides the stars, remains.

Boring Can Be Good

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:45:00 +0000

Suppose you got to a point where you had eaten enough ice cream that the idea of eating it didn't interest you all that much any more. Substitute any other food, or all food for that matter. Suppose you got to a point where all movies seemed to be remakes of others that you had already seen. Movies stopped being entertaining. Substitute any other form of entertainment.

Suppose your job stopped being interesting, or topics of conversation, or everything in your life was nice, but since you had done it all, said it all, seen it all, so many times before...suppose you just got...bored. Is that a bad thing?

I was thinking about that. Sometimes my life is boring. At times I feel like what else is there to do. Moments, maybe even for the better part of a day. You'd think that would be a good enough reason to get depressed.

Sitting on the floor on Easter Sunday I was thinking that being bored with life could be a good place to explore another dimension of...life, reality, existence. If we are in essence infinite, it would make sense that the finite world we live in would eventually become tiring, less entertaining. Maybe instead of becoming depressed, if one were to become aware, at a time like this, one could discover new...life.

Suppose you found yourself bored with life or simply feeling like you've "been there, done that." But instead sinking into self-pity or becoming miserable you looked at this as an opportunity. Since regular life has become less attractive, less demanding of your attention, maybe instead of becoming depressed, you looked deeper into things, beyond the day to day living. If you could stay present and not make judgments about how life should be and just be with the...boredom, maybe there is something else that life wants to show you.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking. Not that I don't have enough to keep me busy, but, maybe if what is out there that does keep me busy becomes less interesting, maybe I will dig a little deeper. Maybe I will listen a little closer to the silence that I know keeps calling me.

When life begins to suck, that is not the time to complain. I think that's the time to listen. When life sucks it's actually helping you to listen, or at least trying to get your attention.

Nothing Ever Happens By Chance

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:40:00 +0000

A few months ago I met a woman that I really liked. We seemed to have a lot in common and shared similar values. On our third date we had a disagreement about whether or not things happened by chance. I said that nothing happens by chance. She said she never wanted to see me again.

Because of the ending of that relationship I ended up back in Vietnam. Had she not dumped me I would have stayed here in Rhode Island for the winter. A few weeks into my trip to Vietnam I knew I was meant to be there. I absolutely knew that I had to be there. (See my travel blog at Vietnam trip.) Nothing happens by chance, not even a pretty girl telling you to take a hike.

Time after time these past few months I have been amazed to see every little thing come into place as if I were dancing a dance perfectly stepping into my spot on the dance floor. Things that I used to think were happening at random became so obvious that there was some clear intelligence operating behind the scenes. I could see that everything was happening according to some kind of organization.

I don't want to say that we live in a predestined world, that fate controls everything we do or say. It's not that at all. It's much more complicated. It is as if each of us live multi-dimensional lives. There is more going on in the universe, in our lives, than we can ever imagine. Just know that not one tiny detail in your life is random and inconsequential. Everything serves a purpose, maybe for you, maybe for someone else. Whatever. Everything is perfect. Everything.

Knowing this requests just one thing from us: watch. Don't let these events pass unnoticed. Enjoy the synchronicity of it all. Enjoy the dance. Nothing by chance. The more I witness the purpose behind life the more satisfying my life is.

Lessons From Vietnam

noreply@blogger.com (Frank Ferendo) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 10:43:00 +0000

Friday Day One: I know that I was meant to come back here. I know this because I want to come home. No, I'm not coming home, but I have that sick feeling inside that I've experienced the last two times I came.

I am meant to be here to continue the lessons I've been learning over the past year. I can feel this strongly. This trip is not about learning to teach, helping the poor, or getting away from the cold. Being away from home and away from my simple routines I am faced with fact that what I have, who I am, where I am, and what I do is never enough. I always want whatever it is that isn't. Is this the natural human condition?

I think I'm getting tired enough to surrender.

Saturday Day Two: Oh boy, last night was tough. Oh, the fear came rushing in. It is not a fear of anything in particular. It's just fear and it makes me want to get out of here. It is purely irrational. But it is real. All I could do was look at it and ask "who is it that is feeling this fear?"

That seemed to help because I couldn't answer that question. I also worked on just accepting it for what it was and not try to change anything. That took the edge off, but didn't change the raw emotion of it. I am certainly here to look at this unnamed fear, whatever it is. I took another sleeping pill. I had stayed awake all day so I expected the pill to knock me right out. No such luck, I was awake most of the night. I put in my ear plugs and at least I didn't have to listen to the noise outside.

Whatever the case, I made it through my first big test. A couple more days here and I think I will be past the danger zone. I am very interested to see what this fear thing is. It is so strange because I'm not a fearful person. If I were I wouldn't have gone to all the places I've been (and dated some of the women that I've dated).

Sunday Day Three: The fear and anxiety comes when I go to bed. Strong, but not quite as bad as the night before. I practice Eckhart Tolle instructions for awareness and welcome the fear. I do not try to make it go away but accept it. I am curious, I have no idea why I have it or where it comes from. Embracing the fear works and slowly it dissolves, only to be replaced with what I can only describe as an examination of conscience. I begin looking at my life and truthfully see my selfishness and striving to find happiness. It doesn't feel negative or condeming, just a recognition of my lack of letting go and resisting what life gives to me.

This goes on for about an hour and I fall asleep for an hour only to wake up and start the process over again until morning. I sense God saying that bringing me to Vietnam and having my time zones completely reversed was the only way he could get my attention. I am held captive. Not in a bad sense. I feel The spiritual doctor working on me. Not pleasant. But the pain is tolerable.

I would come home in a New York second but I am absolutely certain that I am meant to be here. Pain or no pain. All I can do is embrace the unknown fear and be present. This is hard work. I thought I was way above this but I'm not.