Hollow to Whole

2026-09-09T18:00:51.169-04:00

Begin Again

“See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
— Isaiah 43:19
There are songs I like, and then there are songs that won't leave me alone.
Begin Again by Mumford & Sons is one of those songs.
I've listened to it over and over lately, and there are a few images in the song that keep grabbing me. Beginning again. Shedding an old skin. Finding another way.
But mostly, it's the desert.
The desert.
That's the one that got me.
Because the minute I heard it, I thought:
Moses.
& ....Moses and I go way back.
More than twenty years, actually.
There was a time when I followed that man through the wilderness for almost two years of my life.
It was probably about a year after Jack died. I was functioning, I guess, but I was lost.
I had lost my son, but in so many ways I had lost myself too. I didn't understand how life could just keep moving when mine had so clearly stopped.
One night, in the middle of all of that, something woke me from a dead sleep.
It sounded like a stack of books hitting the floor.
And then I heard my name.
Julie.
I know how that sounds.
But I heard my name.
I got out of bed, walked through the living room and into the dining room, and somehow ended up standing in front of this huge picture of Moses crossing the Red Sea.
Now, this picture has a story of its own.
Smith had given it to me for my birthday just months before Jack died.
And he was so proud of this thing.
He loved it.
Me?
Not so much.
I remember looking at it and thinking:
What the heck am I supposed to do with a picture of Moses crossing the Red Sea?
Seriously, Smith.
Flowers? Jewelry? Dinner?
No.
I got Moses.
I had no idea this would be a picture of my own future...
Because a few months later, my own life would have a Red Sea.
There would forever be a divide:
Before Jack.
After Jack.
And now I look at that picture so differently.
There is Moses in the middle of a sea that God Himself divided.
Behind him is slavery.
Ahead is freedom.
And in between is a path.
Through.
Not around.
Not back.
Through.
And Moses is carrying a child.
That part gets me now in a way it never could have when Smith first gave me the picture.
I don't know why the artist chose to put a child in Moses's arms. Maybe it meant nothing at all to the artist.
But standing in front of that picture after Jack died, it meant something to me.
There was Moses, carrying a child through an impossible divide.
And I couldn't carry mine anymore.
Maybe, in some strange way, God was reminding me that Jack was still being carried.
Not by me.
By Jesus.
I needed that then.
But here's what gets me all these years later.
I look at that same picture now and wonder if God is showing me something different.
Because I still have a child moving through what feels like an impossible divide.
And once again, I am standing on the side of something I cannot fix.
I can't make the waters part for her.
I can't walk the road for her.
And as her mother, God knows I have tried to figure out how.
But maybe the picture is reminding me again:
You don't have to carry her through this.
Maybe He is.
Maybe that's what I'm supposed to see now.
Twenty years ago, I looked at Moses carrying that child and thought about the child I had lost.
Today, I can look at him and think about the child who is still here.
Different wilderness.
Different heartbreak.
Same picture.
And maybe the same God saying:
I've got her. Keep walking.
God, how I wanted to go back to "before" after Jack died.
I didn't want a new life. I didn't want a lesson. I didn't want to be stronger. I didn't want God to somehow "use" what had happened.
I wanted my son.
I wanted a random Tuesday afternoon when everything was still normal.
But there was no going back.
There was only through.
And maybe that's what God was showing me that night.
The Red Sea was an escape for the Israelites. They had lived as slaves for generations, and God did the impossible to get them out.
He divided a sea.
They walked through.
And I can only imagine reaching the other side and thinking:
We made it. Surely the hard part is over.
Nope.
Welcome to the wilderness.
I almost have to laugh at that now.
Because isn't that life?
The Israelites were free, but they still had to learn how to live free.
They knew slavery.
They knew survival.
Freedom was going to have to be learned.
And grief was a little like that for me.
I survived the day Jack died. The funeral. The first Christmas. The birthdays. The anniversaries.
But eventually I had to learn how to live in the "after" when all I wanted was before.
Maybe that was my wilderness.
And maybe that's why God gave me Moses.
Because that night, standing barefoot in my dining room staring at a picture I had never wanted, I felt God tell me:
Follow Moses.
So I did.
For almost two years.
And let me tell you, those Israelites drove me crazy.
They would watch God perform a miracle and then turn around and complain.
At times I wanted to climb inside the Bible and shake them.
Do you people not remember THE SEA?
He parted a SEA.
And then God started showing me myself.
Oh.
Right.
Because I could see God one day and question Him the next.
I could believe and still be angry.
I could know He loved me and still wonder where He was.
Maybe I wasn't so different from those crazy Israelites after all.
And that's what Begin Again brought back to me.
Because before Moses ever led anyone through a wilderness, he had one of his own.
Before Moses was Moses, he ran.
He went from Pharaoh's house to tending sheep in Midian.
I wonder if he thought he had blown it.
I wonder if he thought the important part of his life was behind him.
I wonder if he ever looked around at those sheep and thought:
Well. I guess this is it.
Because I know that feeling.
And that's exactly where God showed up.
In the desert.
God didn't wait for Moses to get himself together or find his way out.
He called him right there.
And God didn't give Moses his old life back either.
He called the Moses standing in front of Him.
The older one.
The humbled one.
The one with a past.
The one who wasn't so sure of himself anymore.
That was the Moses God wanted.
Maybe beginning again isn't about becoming who we were before life happened.
Maybe God can use the person who came through it.
My journey with Moses eventually took me through the first five books of the Bible and then deep into the Old Testament.
And I'm going to be honest.
At some point I was over it.
All the rules. The sacrifices. The blood.
I remember thinking:
God, this is exhausting.
And then it hit me.
Exactly.
I needed to understand what came before Jesus to understand what Jesus had done for me.
I needed to understand sacrifice to understand the Sacrifice.
I thought God sent me to Moses to teach me how to survive losing Jack.
And he did.
But my old friend Moses did something else.
He led me to Jesus.
And now, more than twenty years later, here comes this song.
Begin Again.
And I'm realizing something.
I'm in the middle of a "begin again"moment...
Three years ago, I began again with work.
At the time it didn't feel much like a new beginning.
It felt more like:
God, what in the world are we doing here?
There was risk. Financial worry. Disappointment. Starting over. Trying to build something and wondering if any of it was actually going to work.
I wanted a map.
God gave me the next step.
And then another.
And somehow those steps became three years.
And lately, for the first time in a while, I think I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not calling it the Promised Land just yet.
I've learned better than that.
But I see the light.
Maybe that's why Begin Again found me now.
Maybe I'm not being told to start over.
Maybe I'm being reminded to look back and see that I already did.
All these years later, I can still picture that night.
The noise.
My name.
Julie.
The birthday present I never wanted.
Moses.
A child in his arms.
A sea divided in two.
I couldn't understand that picture when Smith gave it to me.
But God knew.
He knew my life was about to be divided into before and after.
Maybe He knew I would need someone to show me how to walk through.
So He gave me Moses.
And my old friend is still teaching me.
My life has had more than one Red Sea.
More than one wilderness.
More than one place where I couldn't see how I was going to get to the other side.
And yet...
here I am.
Maybe that's what faith has become for me.
Not having the whole map.
Just enough light for the next step.
And every once in a while, after you've been walking for what feels like forever, you look up...
and you see a little light.
Maybe that's where I am now.
And for today, that's enough.
Because maybe that's what Hollow to Whole has been about all along.
Not getting back what was lost.
Not becoming who I was before.
But discovering that even when life is divided into before and after...
there can still be "again".

2026-09-01T10:39:14.946-04:00

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

— Proverbs 3:5–6

I’ve thought so much about Colorado since we got home. There’s just something about being out there in all that wild, beautiful open space where I feel like God gets my attention.

And once again, I kept coming back to these two words He has had on my heart… trust and understanding.

And little by little, I think He’s making it clearer what those two words really mean for me, learning to trust even when I don’t understand.

And that’s exactly what I got to see and experience in Colorado.

Being out there in all that wildness, you really do have to trust without knowing what’s coming next. You don’t know what’s around the next bend, what the weather might bring, what animal might cross your path, or what incredible view might be waiting for you at the top.

You just go.

You keep walking, you keep exploring, and you trust… and somewhere along the way you realize that not knowing is part of the adventure. Because some of the most beautiful things God has waiting for us are the things we never could have seen from where we started.

And we had so many of those moments.

An unbelievable view, a moose, a bear, a fox, my precious little chipmunks ❤️, a rainbow after a storm, or just sitting on top of a mountain eating lunch with people I love.

We didn’t know any of those things were waiting for us.

We just kept going.

And maybe those little surprises are some of God’s sweetest rewards for trusting without having to understand everything first.

The rivers really brought that home for me too.

The water was so low. I didn’t realize parts of Colorado had been going through a drought, but you could see it in the rivers and streams and even in the land and wildlife around them.

As I looked at those rivers, I realized something…

The water was low, but the banks were still there.

And those banks didn’t just show me what was missing.

They showed me what was possible.

You could see the potential capacity of the river — how high the water could rise, how full it could become, how wild and beautiful it could flow again.

Even in the drought, the banks were still there showing what the river was capable of holding.

And to me, that was possibility and hope.

As we were leaving Colorado, one of my favorite NEEDTOBREATHE songs, Banks, came on. I’ve heard it so many times, but this time I heard it completely differently.

There’s a line I love…

“I’ll be the banks for your river.”

And it just hit me…

God, that’s You.

You hold me close, but You don’t hold me back.

You let me experience those full-to-the-brim moments of life. The wild ones. The beautiful ones. The moments where life is flowing so fully you almost can’t take it all in.

But life isn’t always full to the brim.

There are droughts too.

There are seasons of waiting and pruning. Seasons when things get low and I don’t understand why. Seasons when I can’t see what God could possibly be doing.

I’ll probably never understand all of it.

But Colorado gave me this picture I don’t think I’ll forget…

Just because the water was low didn’t mean the Banks had left.

He was still there.

God is just as present when life feels low and empty as He is when it feels wild and full to the brim.

And maybe when the water is low, those Banks are also there to remind us of the capacity of the river — of what can be full again.

That’s hope.

And that brings me right back to those two words…

Trust and understanding.

I’m realizing I don’t always get both.

Sometimes I just get to trust.

Trust enough to keep walking when I can’t see around the bend.

Trust enough to believe there can be purpose in the pruning and the drought.

Trust enough to enjoy every little gift He puts along the way.

And trust enough to look at a river that’s almost empty and not just see what’s missing… but see the possibility of what it was created to hold.

There are seasons when life feels full and flowing, and seasons of drought and pruning. I may not always understand why I’m in one or where He’s taking me next, but I’m learning that faith is trusting Him anyway.

Trusting that He sees what I can’t see. That He is working even when I can’t see the evidence of it. And that not one season is wasted in His hands.

I don’t have to understand the way He’s leading me…

I just have to know the One leading me.

And I know He is good.

The water will rise and fall. The seasons will change. There will be bends in the river I can’t see around.

But the Banks don’t move.

And neither does He. ❤️

Trust without understanding

2026-08-19T07:58:45.150-04:00

God Opened Her Eyes

“Just then God opened her eyes. She looked. She saw a well of water.”

Genesis 21:19 (MSG)

Why is it so hard sometimes to study God’s Word?
Have you ever heard that whisper early in the morning, just before the sun rises?
Come and meet with Me.
You feel this tug at your heart, persuading you to get up and go to that place where you meet with God. It begs you to get up, and yet sometimes you stay still.
Why?
Maybe it’s because we think we know what’s waiting for us.
Condemnation. Correction. A reminder of all the things we did wrong the day before.
I’m sorry, God.
I know I’m not perfect.
I tried.
Sometimes even saying I’m sorry gets old.
But I’ve learned something. When I feel that way and obey the tug in my heart anyway, I rarely meet the God I was afraid was waiting for me.
Instead, I meet a God who opens my eyes, once again, to see how much He loves me.
A couple of mornings ago, I accepted that early-morning invitation, and I was amazed by what God showed me.
I was reading in Genesis about Hagar and Ishmael.
Hagar and her son were sent away from the only home they had known. Sarah did not want Ishmael, Abraham’s son through Hagar, sharing in Isaac’s inheritance. Abraham gave Hagar some food and a skin of water and sent her and Ishmael away.
With no plan, no home and no idea where she was going, a devastated Hagar wandered into the wilderness of Beersheba with her son.
Just a mother, her child, some food and one skin of water.
And then the water ran out.
As Ishmael grew weaker, Hagar believed he was going to die. They were alone in the wilderness, and as far as she could see, there was nothing she could do to save her child.
So she placed him under a bush and walked away because she couldn’t bear to watch him die.
I can only imagine that mother’s heart.
I picture her some distance away, curled into a ball, sobbing uncontrollably.
She wasn’t crying because she didn’t love him enough to keep trying.
She was crying because she had run out of everything she knew to do.
The water was gone.
She couldn’t see another source.
She couldn’t save her son.
But God could see what Hagar couldn’t.
God heard the boy crying and called to Hagar from heaven.
“What’s wrong, Hagar? Don’t be afraid.”
He told her to get up, go to her son, take him by the hand and hold on to him because God still had a future for this child.
And then comes the sentence that stopped me:
God opened her eyes.
She looked.
And there it was.
A well of water.
The water she desperately needed was there.
She simply couldn’t see it.
Hagar thought she had run out of options.
God knew she was standing near a well.
Think about that for a minute.
Hagar’s water skin was empty, but God’s provision wasn’t.
She saw a dying child. God saw a future.
She saw the end of the story. God knew there were chapters she couldn’t even imagine yet.
And here’s something else I love:
God heard Ishmael before Hagar ever saw the well.
Her inability to see God’s provision didn’t mean He wasn’t providing.
Her fear didn’t mean He had abandoned her.
Her wandering didn’t mean God had lost track of where she was.
And her empty water skin certainly didn’t mean God had run out of water.
Ha! I love that.
Hagar was wandering in the wilderness of Beersheba—a name connected with a well and with seven or an oath. She was in a place whose very name pointed toward a well, yet in her grief and desperation, she couldn’t see the water she so desperately needed.
How many times do we do the same thing?
We become so consumed by what we’ve lost, what we fear or what we cannot fix that we can’t see what God may have already placed nearby.
Sometimes the miracle isn’t God creating the well.
Sometimes the miracle is God opening our eyes to see it.
And the story doesn’t end at the well.
God gave Hagar the peace to trust her son to Him.
She could not control what would happen to Ishmael. She could not see his future.
But God could.
Scripture tells us:
“God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer.”
God was with him.
The little boy Hagar once laid beneath a bush believing he was going to die grew up in the wilderness of Paran and became an archer—a skilled warrior with a bow and arrow.
I love the imagery of the bow.
Throughout Scripture, and especially in the Psalms, we see the bow used in pictures of strength, battle and God moving in power.
God was still in action.
He was in action when Hagar couldn’t see the well.
He was in action when she thought her son was dying.
He was in action when she was crying in the wilderness.
And He was in action as that little boy grew into an archer.
God is always in action!
This story gives hope to the mother who is begging God to heal her sick child.
It gives hope to the mother watching her child wander and praying that God will bring them home.
And it gives peace to the mother who has lost a child and has had to place her precious little one completely into the hands of God.
We never know when our eyes will be opened to see the well.
For some, He will lead us to the well of healing water we have desperately prayed for.
For others, He will give us the peace to place what we love most into His hands and trust Him with what we cannot understand.
But either way, God is still in action.
We may wander, but He knows exactly where we are.
We may not see the well, but He does.
We may not understand the path, but He knows where it leads.
Our paths through this wilderness may look very different, but if we trust Him and keep following, they all lead to the same destination- our Heavenly home.

2026-08-10T16:57:52.762-04:00

This Week, God Met Me in a Mumford & Sons Song — “Malibu”

Still Learning to Trust Beneath His Wings

If you've read my last couple of posts, you know I've been sitting with this idea of trust and understanding.

I keep coming back to Proverbs 3:5:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

I know that verse in my head.

But sometimes my heart lags behind.

And apparently, God isn't finished talking to me about it, because this week He met me in a Mumford & Sons song.

I love Mumford & Sons. I've written about their music before because every once in a while, they put words around something my heart has been trying to say. This one may have made my top ten.

There are things my heart knows about walking with Jesus that I don't always know how to put into words. Somehow, this song did.

So I wanted to pull out the lyrics that spoke most deeply to me and share why each one felt so familiar, because together, they reminded me of what my walk with Jesus has actually looked like.

Not perfect faith.

There has been doubt. Weakness. Fear. Falling behind. Dry seasons. Valleys. And plenty of struggling to let go of things I thought I had already surrendered.

But woven through all of it has been Someone leading, waiting, staying, restoring, and continually giving me a place to come back to.

And as I listened to these words, I kept thinking:

This is Jesus.

Not because I understand everything.

But because this is who He has shown Himself to be when I don't.

“In all my doubt… in all my weakness… can You lead?”

Yes.

That is the Jesus I've experienced.

Sometimes I think we get the spiritual walk backwards. We think we need to doubt less, believe harder, understand more and get ourselves together before we come to Him.

There is a story in Mark 9 that I come back to because, if I'm honest, I understand the father's struggle.

He brings his child to Jesus desperate for Him to heal him. He wants to believe. He does believe. But there is still a part of him that is struggling.

And instead of hiding that struggle from Jesus, he says:

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” — Mark 9:24

I love the honesty in that plea.

I believe You, Jesus.

But I need Your help believing You.

I understand that prayer more than I'd like to admit.

There are times I know who Jesus is. I know what Scripture says. I can look back over my life and see His faithfulness, and still find myself struggling to trust Him with what is right in front of me.

And what I love most about this story is how Jesus responds.

He meets the father in the struggle.

He doesn't shame him for the unbelief mixed in with his belief. He doesn't tell him to come back when his faith is stronger.

He meets him right there.

Maybe that's why these lyrics spoke so deeply to me.

In my doubt. In my weakness. Can You still lead me?

I can bring Jesus both.

My belief and my unbelief.

My trust and my questions.

My faith and the part of my heart that's still afraid.

And sometimes my prayer can simply be:

Jesus, I believe. Help the part of me that is struggling to believe.

Maybe that's trust too.

“I fall behind… but like You promise, You wait for me.”

Oh, how I know this one.

I fall behind. I get distracted. I try to take control. Sometimes I run ahead of God trying to figure everything out, and sometimes I get tired and lag behind.

Yet Jesus calls Himself the Good Shepherd.

“I am the good shepherd.” — John 10:11

Religion can make us feel like God is somewhere ahead saying, Keep up. Try harder. Do better.

Jesus says:

“Come to me… and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28

He meets doubters. He restores people who failed Him. He goes looking for the one.

He doesn't say try harder.

He says:

Come closer.

“And I feel a spirit move in me again…”

Again.

I love that word.

My walk with Jesus hasn't been one long spiritual high. There have been dry seasons when prayer felt different and God seemed quieter.

But I'm learning that quiet doesn't mean absent.

Dry doesn't mean abandoned.

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation.” — Psalm 51:12

Sometimes He restores something in us through Scripture. A conversation. Standing beside a creek.

Or apparently, a Mumford & Sons song.

Something stirs and your heart whispers:

There You are.

And maybe He's been there all along.

“I don't know how it took so long to shed this skin… live under the shadow of Your wings.”

This may be the line that found the deepest place in me.

What is the skin I'm still trying to shed?

Maybe part of it is my need to understand.

To connect every dot.

To know why.

To figure out what God is doing before I can relax into trusting what God is doing.

And then comes this beautiful picture:

Live beneath the shadow of His wings.

Scripture says:

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.” — Psalm 91:4

I can't get that image out of my mind.

A little bird tucked beneath its mother's wings during a storm isn't trying to understand the storm.

It doesn't know why the wind is blowing.

It doesn't know when the rain will stop.

It just knows where to go.

Maybe that's trust.

Not finally understanding everything.

Just knowing where to go when I don't.

Maybe that's some of the skin I'm still shedding, the belief that I need an explanation before I can have peace.

I haven't completely shed it.

I'm still learning.

But maybe Jesus is gently reminding me:

You don't have to understand the storm to know where your shelter is.

“I'm still afraid…”

I love that fear shows up again.

Because that's real.

We can surrender something on Monday and be worrying about it again by Wednesday.

David wrote:

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” — Psalm 56:3

Not if.

When.

Maybe fear doesn't mean faith has disappeared.

Maybe trust is what I choose to do with my fear.

I bring it back to Him.

Again.

“Walking through the valley was what brought me here.”

This one hit me.

There are valleys in my life I would never have chosen. And I don't believe we need to put a pretty spiritual bow around painful things.

Some things are simply heartbreaking.

But I can say this:

Some of the deepest places I've known Jesus were places I desperately wanted Him to get me out of.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley… You are with me.” — Psalm 23:4

There it is again.

Not explanation.

Presence.

Maybe walking through the valley really was part of what brought me here.

Not because the valley was good.

But because He was there.

“You are all I want… You're all I need.”

And maybe this is where the whole song lands for me.

After the doubt.

The weakness.

Falling behind.

The dry season.

The fear.

The valley.

The struggle to shed the old skin.

Him.

This song reminded me why, after all these years, I would choose Jesus again and again.

Not because I understand everything.

I don't.

Not because I never doubt or fear.

I do.

Not because I've learned to trust perfectly.

I haven't.

But I know something about the One I'm learning to trust.

He meets me in my doubt.
He leads me in my weakness.
He waits when I fall behind.
He breathes life into dry places.
He walks with me through valleys.
And He gives me somewhere to rest when I still don't understand.

Maybe trust isn't finally having enough answers.

Maybe it's knowing where to go while I'm still asking the questions.

Back to Jesus.

Back beneath His wings.

The doubt can still be there.

The fear can still rise.

The valley can still be part of the story.

And somehow...

Peace can be there too.

Not because I finally understand.

But because I'm learning where to rest when I don't.

Beneath the shadow of His wings.

2026-08-10T16:52:32.888-04:00

What the Creek Taught Me About Trust

After writing about what the creek taught me last week, one thing continued to linger in my heart.

Trust.

I realized my pursuit of understanding had quietly become bigger than my trust in God.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to understand. God tells us to seek wisdom. But somewhere along the way, I started believing understanding would bring me peace.

Yesterday, I stood beside another creek.

This one had a waterfall.

The water rushed over rocks that had been smoothed by years of flowing water. What once created resistance had become the very thing that allowed the water to move more freely.

I couldn’t help but think…

That’s what trust looks like.

The water wasn’t questioning where it was going. It wasn’t resisting the rocks. It simply kept moving, trusting the path before it.

And I realized that’s where I’ve been getting stuck.

Understanding can quietly become a way of holding on to control. I keep thinking if I can just make sense of everything, then I’ll finally be at peace.

But trust asks something completely different.

It whispers, “Keep moving. I’ll show you what you need when you need it.”

Maybe God isn’t trying to answer every question I’ve asked.

Maybe He’s smoothing the rough places in me, just like the water smooths the rocks, so there’s less resistance when He asks me to follow Him.

I’m still going to seek understanding. God tells us to seek wisdom. But I’m learning something I don’t want to forget.

Understanding seeks answers. Trust surrenders to the One who already has them.

Maybe that’s where peace has been all along.

Not in understanding everything…

But in trusting the One who already does.

2026-08-10T16:43:42.406-04:00

What the creek taught me...

This weekend, I found myself sitting beside this little creek at the cabin.

There wasn’t anything spectacular about it. No rushing waterfall. No grand mountain view.

Just the quiet sound of water finding its way around the rocks.

As I sat there, I couldn’t help but think about all the conversations surrounding Dr. Fauci this week.

Everyone seems to be asking the same questions.

Who was right?
Who was wrong?
Who knew what?
Who should be held accountable?

Those are important conversations, and I understand why people are having them.

For me, it’s personal.

I believe my health changed after receiving the COVID vaccine. I’ve spent years searching for answers, spending money on treatments, grieving the life I once had, and wondering if I’ll ever feel like “me” again.

Others have their own stories.

Some lost parents.
Some lost children.
Some lost businesses they spent a lifetime building.
Some lost friendships.
Some lost trust.

Heartbreak wears a lot of different faces.

As I sat by this creek, I realized something.

The water never argued with the rocks.

It didn’t waste its energy wishing they weren’t there.

It simply kept moving.

That doesn’t mean the rocks didn’t matter.

They changed the course of the water.

But they didn’t stop it.

And I wondered…

How much of my life have I spent staring at the rocks?

Replaying conversations.
Wanting answers.
Wishing someone would admit they were wrong.
Hoping I could somehow get my old life back.

The truth is… even if every question were answered tomorrow, it wouldn’t change what has already happened.

It wouldn’t restore my health.
It wouldn’t erase the pain.
It wouldn’t give any of us our old lives back.

So maybe the better question isn’t…

“Who’s right?”

Maybe it’s…

“How do we move forward?”

I’ve realized that’s where God has been meeting me.

Not in all the answers.

But in the quiet places.

The places where He gently reminds me that peace isn’t found in finally understanding everything.

Peace is found in trusting Him enough to keep moving forward, even when I don’t.

I’m still healing.

I still have questions.

But I don’t want to spend the next ten years reliving the last five.

I want to become someone who has more compassion because I’ve suffered.

Someone who listens more carefully because I know what it feels like not to be heard.

Someone whose faith has grown deeper because it has been tested.

This little creek reminded me that life keeps moving.

Not because everything is okay.

But because God is still leading us forward.

Maybe today you’re carrying your own heartbreak.

Maybe your rocks look different than mine.

Whatever they are…

I pray you find your own quiet place.

A place where the noise fades away long enough to hear God’s gentle whisper reminding you…

“Keep moving. I’m with you.”

Betrayal and Boundary Crossers

2019-08-02T12:30:00.001-04:00

This song captured my attention this past week as I faced the familiar feelings of betrayal. One of my habitual boundary crossers accused me of another lie that keeps their life in constant turmoil. It was wrapped in its usual packaging of blame fabricated by a false reality. I asked, why would you say this about me? The answer, well I didn't know at the time it wasn't you. No apology, no attempt to correct the mistake just another conversation redirected to remind me of what a bad person I am and how I've never been any help.

I found myself being sucked back into the swirling tornado of trying to reason with a lie.

It begins with hey, this is not entirely true. I remember other events that led to this outcome. Your heart wants to make sense and reveal the truth so you can move through this conflict. The boundary crosser wants no part of this process because looking at the truth at this point is too hard. Living in their false reality is safe and has become the truth from which they live.

I've learned something through this-

Boundary crossers use their false view of love to manipulate you to give yourself sacrificially until there's nothing left to give. Then they get mad when there is nothing left to give. It's maddening!

This reminds me of a class I took on boundaries. Our textbook for this class was "The Giving Tree," by Shel Silverman. The room was occupied by ten women whom I consider to be the most giving and caring people I have ever met. They have been a part of my life for over a decade and the bond we share is loss. The story of loss is different for each woman, but the common thread we share is the deep desire to live a life full of abundant joy. I have deep admiration for each woman in this group. They are fighters and over-comers because they have rejected the temptation to wave their white flag and surrender to the ease of living as a victim to their circumstances.

As we began our journey reading through the giving tree, I was shocked at how this children's book revealed a very unhealthy relationship. The plot is this: a tree loves a boy over the course of his lifespan and, to satisfy his desires, she gives him everything she has—her apples, her leaves, her limbs—until she has reduced herself to a stump. I remember thinking, I don't want to be a stump! I want to be a tree that see's the danger of enablement and the value of growing into a big beautiful oak tree.

So, do I continue to give?

Face the hard choice to grow?

Growing requires one to examine the reality of where we are, how we got here, and where we want to grow to. So when my boundary crosser gave me this ultimatum- "I want you back in my life, but I want to forget the past"- I knew the request was asking me to give and not grow. The reality of that statement is the boundary crosser never wants to look at their part of the past, but they will remind you of how your part of the past has led to all the failures in their life. They refuse to heal the bleeding wounds of the past. And I refuse to continue getting bloody and bruised by them any longer.

Do you see the hypocrisy? Good because your boundary crosser never will.

This incident revealed a few wounds of my own and some suppressed anger and unforgiveness. I hate the lies and the one-sided narrative being told. I am reminded of how crazy it makes me to try and reason with lies. I found myself questioning if my prayers were being heard. It feels unfair and like I don't have a voice to defend myself against the accusations. I know I can't control others actions and thoughts, but I can control mine. And I knew deep down I have some work to do.

When I layed my head down on my pillow the other night, I made myself listen to this song. I was restless and wanted to forget. As I listen to the lyrics I was reminded of the title of my blog and why I started writing many years ago. I felt hollow, and I wanted to be made whole. I then heard a still small voice say- Julie, I see the anger in your heart. I understand the hurt, and I see your deep desire for healing and reconciliation. Then I saw Jesus and I standing shoulder to shoulder standing behind a line drawn in the sand. He said - This line is your resolve for reconciliation. It may never happen
because it takes both parties to reconcile. Julie, I promise to stand with you toe to toe and fight with you. But there is one request I ask of you because it is your responsibility in this process. Forgiveness is something you can control - reconciliation is something you can't control. So if you want to continue on your journey from hollow to whole - you must forgive.

So, here I go.. Another reason to grow...

To be continued

VERSE 1: Hold me now

In the hands that created the heavens

Find me now

Where the grace runs as deep as Your scars

You pulled me from the clay

Set me on a rock

Called me by Your Name And made my heart whole

VERSE 2: Lifted up

And my knees know it’s all for Your glory

That I might stand With more reasons to sing than to fear

You pulled me from the clay

Set me on a rock

Called me by Your Name

And made my heart whole again

CHORUS: So here I stand

High in surrender I need You now

Hold my heart Now and forever

My soul cries out

POST-CHORUS 1: Once I was broken

But You loved my whole heart through

Sin has no hold on me

‘Cause Your grace holds me now

VERSE 3: And that grace

Owns the ground where the grave did

Where all my shame

remains Left for dead in Your wake

You crashed those age-old gates

You left no stone unturned

You stepped out of that grave

And shouldered me all the way

POST-CHORUS 2: Once I was broken

But You loved my whole heart through

Sin has no hold on me

‘CauseYour grace holds me now

Healed and forgiven

Look where my chains are now

Death has no hold on me

‘Cause Your grace holds that ground

And Your grace holds me now

LOVE SWEEPS LOW

2019-07-12T09:07:00.003-04:00

"But I found heaven as love swept low"

I love this song.

It is often my prayer in the morning because it reminds me of my path to and with Jesus. The words are humble and remind me of who I was when I met Him. The words deliver a powerful message to those who feel like they have climbed their ladder of life so high on their own to ever meet Jesus. For some of us, He meets us when we least expect it and don't feel like we deserve it. Climbing on our own always leads to a fall and it's not such a bad thing if you know His love sweeps low.

Honestly, falling this side of Heaven comes with a feeling of condemnation, guilt, and shame. No-one likes to fall or feel like a failure, but it's part of life. It reminds me of the false narrative we are teaching our kids before they leave our homes to go off to college. We say to them, a 4.0 GPA is just average, you can't afford to make a "B," you must study, memorize and regurgitate, and DON'T even think of failing because it's final and there is no value in it. Today, I see so many young adults afraid to take a risk and do something that might be out of their comfort zone. If they don't know how to do it 100% before they start they don't do it at all.

Fear has a funny way of whispering, "No, just stay comfortable & play it safe. You don't ever want to look like you don't know what you're doing." Living from fear slowly teaches us to build a neat and tidy box to live in so we can control our environment. We know how to do the things in our box, so we never feel the sting of failure.

I can say this because I lived it for many years. I thought I was a risk-taker and lived life to fullest, but when my neat little box blew up I learned something - Within the boundaries of the box, I felt alone and was climbing the ladder of my life in my own strength. I was tired and unchallenged and felt like I didn't need God because He didn't need or want me. As I look back, I can see the reason I thought this way about God was because I thought my GPA with him might have been a 1.0 at best.

Do you see how our false view of failure hands us the blueprints to build the prison box of comfort and safety? God sees failure way different than we see it. He sees opportunity and possibility in failure. It opens up the perspective that we don't know it all or need to know it all, and we are not alone, don't need to do it alone and understand that we can't do it alone.

All that being said, I was reminded this week as I was giving the invocation for our local government chamber meeting, that Jesus will ask the one who feels least worthy to represent Him. The fear of failure tempted me to ask, why me? There are so many others to pick from who represent you better.
I quickly saw the lines being drawn for the boxed living and remembered - there is no fear in failure and Jesus always picks people who are willing to share the story of redemption rather than one of perfection.
He wants us to know he loves us and it's ok to fall because when our knees hit the ground, His love sweeps low. We must remember, He traded Heaven to have us again.

TOUCH THE SKY - HILLSONG UNITED

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
The gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

When the cup doesn't pass

2019-04-20T13:00:00.005-04:00

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.
Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Matthew 26:39

When the cup doesn't pass- then we are left to face the problems it holds.

A few weeks ago I felt like to Lord gave me a word as I was getting ready for the day. The word was simple, yet it was a word that I felt like could be the title of a book written about my life. It is also a word that the Lord is teaching me to use every day as I look down at the cup that is still in my hands.

The word and the picture below keep me focused on who shows up when the cup doesn't pass. He gently puts His forehead upon mine and whispers, Julie - You must go "through" with me. I'm here with you, and I care deeply about the cup you hold.

I am the one offering it

and the only way is through.

This word was given to many others who were called to walk "through" when their cup didn't pass. Adam and Eve wanted to hide, but God met them, clothed them and showed them another way. Sahra tried to go her own way and still, God walked her through to make good on His promise. Abraham walked through as his heart broke into a million pieces to find that God would provide another way, a ram. One of Moses cups was to walk through as the red sea parted before him. Joseph held his cup for 2 more years as disappointment begged him to put it down. His focus walked him through to a position that would save many. And then Jesus shows us a clear picture of the cup and how to move through when it doesn't pass.

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Matthew 26:39

The commentary of this verse says that when Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken the spirit checked him and His prayer moved to yet, your will not mine.

I thought to myself, how many times do I pray for the cup to pass and wait .. I don't move on to the yet, your will not mine. The cup stays, and I wait... it's a place where I get stuck. I'm waiting, and God is saying drink it because the only way is through. The cup holds a bitter problem and I don't want to surrender and drink.

We see an impossible problem and God sees how His presence makes all things possible.

God works "through" us-

"Christ in you, the hope of glory"- Colossians 1:27

Through- moving to one side and out the other side. An opening, channel or location. Stepping boldly through the doorway. It is a word that indicated movement into one side or point and out another, especially the opposite side. From one boundary to another without stopping.

Christ in you desires to lead you through.

Surrendering to the cup requires a reckoning with the disappointment of not getting our way.

We must balance the books with this truth-

Every problem has the potential to teach us something. Its purpose is to transform us to take the next step towards freedom and destiny.

Every problem can be a stumbling block that will cause you to fall if you react with distrust or defiance.

The cup offers you a choice-

Will you trust and focus on my presence to lead you through the problem? Or will you distrust by focusing on the problem willed not to move until it passes?

The truth will open your mind to the possibilities and benefits of drinking the cup.

When you drink from the cup, it allows Christ in you, to work all things together for our good.

Our Father indirectly works for our resurrection by allowing us to drink from the cup, feel the weight of the cup so that we might understand the purpose of the cup is always for our good.

The cup presents itself only because there is a solution.

I love the lyrics to the song above, "There was another in the fire". It is such a good reminder that we never drink the cup alone. He is always with us showing us the way through.

FINDING PROMISE IN THE PROBLEM

2018-09-05T10:48:00.000-04:00

"Trust The Process"

Trust, Julie. I need for you to trust me. (Jesus)

I have been wrestling with this request for the past year. The trust He is asking me for is not tied to death or significant loss: This time it’s about His goodness and if I will dare to believe that He will be good to me. I’ve trusted Jesus in the past with many circumstances, and His faithfulness eventually revealed itself. Healing deep wounds from my past is the evidence of His loving kindness revealed to me in the cleft rock moments of my life. He loves me, and I know that with all my heart. So, why is it so hard to trust Him to meet me on the mountaintop?

Webster defines trust as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone.

So trust is a result. It is a firm belief that someone is reliable, trustworthy, able and strong. Trust takes time and is built in the small and messy moments of life. It requires us to risk being vulnerable with someone—to see if they will handle our heart with care. In the past, being vulnerable usually, lead me to heartache. We’ve all experienced someone taking advantage of our weakness. They let us down, selfishly stole from us, left us alone to clean up the mess. We blamed ourselves for being vulnerable, and shame waged war against our true identity and worthiness to be loved. Judgments were made from lies, and walls were built to protect and trust.

I started thinking about choice. I believe it is the most loving gift given to us by God. He gave us the ability to choose, and from the beginning of time, we have broken His heart with our choices. He knew we would choose wrong but still gave us the gift of choice. His love is unconditional and void of the need to control us: He is being vulnerable with us in this choice and wanting us to do the same.

I have come to learn that with God vulnerability is not about the circumstance; it’s about who we trust to be with us in the circumstance.

“Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic. When the shadow of Jesus’ cross falls across our lives in the form of failure, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, unemployment, loneliness, depression, the loss of a loved one; when we are deaf to everything but the shriek of our own pain; when the world around us suddenly seems a hostile, menacing place—at those times we may cry out in anguish, ‘How could a loving God permit this to happen?’ At such moments the seeds of distrust are sown. It requires heroic courage to trust in the love of God no matter what happens to us.” (Brennan Manning)

It takes heroic courage to trust after the world has betrayed us in our weakness, but we have a need to trust in the character and reliability of someone who will walk us through the uncertainties of life. God’s goal is to awaken us to our true identity. We are worthy and loved by Him, and when we stand in His love, anything is possible. Our vulnerable places slowly become places to learn and experience joy and love like never before. They are places in which we make the choice to turn to Him and say—I will trust you. Trust is a choice, and it’s a gift we give back to Him.

This past year has been full of circumstances in which I had to figure things out, and the only way to do so was to be vulnerable. I had to admit to co-workers, family, and friends that I did not know how to fix certain problems, but that we would find our way through. Within that very statement was a whole new perspective. Problems are unavoidable, and we don’t have all the answers, but the choice to walk through the problem trusting God, is always mine to choose.

I’m learning my focus should not be on the outcome, but instead on whom I’m trusting in the process. The outcome may be bad, but if I’m trusting God with my heart, He will always handle it with care. Maybe I needed to see the bad because He has something good coming. I am learning that when circumstances don’t go my way, vulnerability is what I need. It is fertile ground to plant new seeds of hope. It is a place to experience joy and love like never before. I admit to Jesus I am weak in this unplanned moment that I so desperately want to control, and He gives me the courage to accept a new perspective.

One last quote from Brennan Manning that brings to life the daughter who knows how to trust Jesus:

“After stumbling and falling, the ragamuffin does not sink into despondency and endless self-recrimination, she quickly repents, offers the broken moment to the Lord, and renews her trust in the Messiah of sinners. She knows that Jesus is comfortable with broken people who remember how to love.”

Below is one of my favorite definitions of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. It is a picture of how God loves us. We can trust such a love as this.

His promise to us is love, and all He requires us to do is show up.

FINDING PROMISE IN THE PROBLEM

2018-03-28T19:42:00.001-04:00

“Julie, Find my promise in the problem.”

I have heard these words whispered in my heart many times this season while facing many new problems. Typically, they are my queue to back out of a situation, but I hear God say to me - face it because all things are possible with Me.

I don’t like problems and try to avoid them at all cost. I know this is not a proper mindset because every day has an abundance of problems. I’m learning that I see something as a problem because I don’t immediately have the answer. It requires me to reach out and ask for help.

And, why is this a problem?

My life has dramatically changed over the past 12 months. A new job, a new home, a new city, a new group of people and many new friends have entered my life. It has been a challenge to have such a dramatic change, and yet this is what I’ve prayed for, all things new. I feel like I’ve been slowly crawling in this direction after the loss of many things dear to my heart. I’ve prayed for resurrection in my own life and for those who are close to me.

The problem I found in this prayer is resurrection can only come if you believe it’s possible. I believe in Jesus, and I love the ending of His story. He came to earth and faced our biggest problem and dealt with it by showing us resurrection was possible. He demonstrated that death is part of new life and problems always hold promise if you are willing to change the way you think.

“Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 NLT

My crawl to this new place required a new plan that would need a whole new way of thinking. I love making plans, especially when I see them written out neatly on my calendar. They help me get to my desired destination without any delays. What I fail to do is leave room for the unexpected and unplanned moments life always adds to my plan. I affectingly call these moments, problems.

“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” Proverbs 16:9 NLV

Plans and steps, never really thought about the relationship between the two. Webster’s Dictionary defines them as:

Plans: a drawing or diagram drawn: a method for achieving an end.

Steps: a rest for the foot in ascending or descending

Plans hold our desired outcome and steps are places for our foot to rest while ascending or descending. Now, I see why I’m always frustrated. I don’t plan for the ups and downs. The path I planned was level and smooth through beautiful green summer pastures. I never saw the need for a mountain.

“Why be uncomfortable?” – It’s a phrase I like to say to my niece when I tell her about my latest greatest new membership or mail delivery subscription box. Shipt, Stitch Fit, FabFitFun, Blue Apron, Green Chef and Amazon make life comfortable. If you stop and think about it, each of these comforts was born out of someone’s discomfort. They recognized a need and provided a solution. They saw a problem and pressed in to find the hidden promise.

Which leads me to the lesson I’m learning. When I pray for resurrection, God’s gives me His promise of it. It does not instantly happen because it requires me to participate. I must learn a new way of thinking about problems and life.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matthew 19:26 NLV

So my old way of doing new must go. It’s not up to me; it’s up to WE.

The promise He has given me anchors me to His plan and His will for my life.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

His promise lovingly asks me to partner with Him, so I become the evidence of His promise here on earth.

For many years death and loss have been a big part of my plan. I’ve learned to account for them. I’ve been uncomfortable. So, maybe God is saying, Why be uncomfortable? You see evidence of your prayers – my plans are to prosper you, not to harm you. They are to give you new hope and a new future.

The Promise in my problem reveals God’s pure and sincere heart for me. His love offers resurrection, but it requires me to partner with Him. My responsibility is to believe it is not good to be alone. Simply put- Without Him, it is impossible to do all things new, but WITH Him all new things are possible.

RECKLESS LOVE

2018-02-14T08:27:00.002-05:00

RECKLESS LOVE

I came across this song yesterday. I've heard it many times, but this time I listen to it and it completely wrecked me. Cory shares the story behind the song and I and thought it was worth sharing today. Happy Valentines day:)

"God himself isn't reckless, but the way He loves in many regards is quite so..

What I mean is this - He's utterly unconcerned with the consequences of his actions with regards to his own safety, comfort or well-being.

His love isn't crafty or slick.

It’s not cunning or shrewd; in fact, all things considered, it's rather quite childlike. And, might I even suggest, at times, it's downright ridiculous.

His love bankrupted heaven for you and me.

His love doesn’t consider himself first.

It isn’t selfish or self-serving.

He doesn’t wonder what he’ll gain or lose by putting himself on the line. He simply puts himself out there for the chance that you or I might look back and give him that love in return.

His love leaves the 99 to find the one every time. Too many think this is a foolish concept. What if he loses the 99 in finding the one?

What if, finding that one lost sheep is and always will be supremely more important.

His love isn't cautious.

It’s a love that sent his own son to die a gruesome death on a cross.

There’s no Plan B with the love of God.

He gives his heart to us so completely, so preposterously and when we miss it, He keeps giving himself to us again and again and again

Make no mistake; our sins do pain his heart. 70×7 is a lot of times to get your heart broken. Yet, every time we turn, He opens up and allows us back in every single time.

His love pursued me when I hated Him because I thought my debt could never be paid.

No, He doesn't care what it will cost him. He is willing to pay any amount to have your heart whole again.

His love saw me broken down, with regret as deep is the ocean. My innocence of youth poured out like water. This is where He found me. He put me on his shoulders and carried me home. He's just that good. He’s the kind of Father that never gives up.

There’s no shadow you won’t light up, no mountain you won't climb up, coming after me.

There’s no wall you won’t kick down, no lie you won't tear down coming after me." - Cory Ashbury

"Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus.2 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." - Luke 15 1-7

Finding Breakthrough In My Brokenness

2017-10-04T07:08:00.005-04:00

"So I Will"Amanda Cook

This song puts God into perspective. He is billions of times bigger than your brokenness.

“Christianity is realistic because it says that if there is no truth, there is also no hope." - Francis A. Schaeffer

The truth is, we are all broken.

Our path to discovering this truth can get extremely messy. For me, I feel like I've had to learn it many times and on many different levels. This season I've come to realize that the broken places in my life are invitations for a breakthrough. It's all about perspective:)

Let me give a revelation I had the other day. I've been dealing with a circumstance for the past five months. It involves other people, their agendas, and expectations of me. My job within this circumstance requires me to perform certain tasks, some I know how to do and some I need training on how to do. I've been doing my best to produce the expected results, and so far, I've had little to no success.

This. Has made me feel. Broken.

Why, because I'm not producing the desired results others and I have placed upon me.

My default mindset when I come face to face with my brokenness is to agree; I'm not producing which means I'm not good enough, so I quit!

I would have given up by now, but I knew from the very beginning of this journey that it was something God wanted me to do. So, I've stayed but throwing many pity parties for myself. The only people on the guest list who showed up to my party were Jesus and I. The conversation always began with, "Jesus, what do you expect me to do? I'm failing miserably, and I don't think I can do this!" He patiently listened to me plead my case and His response was always the same, don't quit! After many weeks of examining the situation, I realized I was not the only broken person in the circumstance. He was exposing my brokenness through other broken people. The broken place in me was expecting to be able to do something I had not been trained to do. I kept tripping over this broken place not noticing that my failure to produce could be healed with proper training.

I realized this part of the process, was broken. It was my nature to expect myself to know how to do the job without asking for help. I was offered the job because the people hiring me thought I naturally possessed the skill set needed for the position. Painfully over time, that assumption was proven false. I was failing and on the verge of judging myself a failure.

Wisdom began to reveal the attack- identity theft at it's finest!

I knew I had to turn to Jesus for help. I needed the truth that would set me free from making my usual agreement that “I'm not good enough,” so I'll quit.

The truth He gave me was, "You're weak in certain areas. Be realistic with yourself and ask for help. When you embrace your weakness, I can step in and be strongest for you.”

This plan is good in theory, but it required me to admit "I can't do this on my own." I don't like to admit my weakness, but it was the only way to fix what was broken.

I have grown to like the hope that this truth brought to my dilemma. It was time to let my pride die and ask for help.

Truth- I have found a broken place in me, and that is ok because Jesus will teach me a new way with His truth. This is the hope we hold onto while He leads us to our breakthrough.

We are broken, but we don't have to stay that way.

I’ve been given a whole new perspective on this word broken. Broken offers opportunity and growth. It's a choice, and you get to choose what to do with your brokenness. You can choose to ignore it, let it live and keep tripping over it the rest of your life. Or, let it die and allow Jesus to renew it. His intentions are good, and He longs to help us, but He can't if we are not willing to admit our weakness and ask for help.

"I'm not here to demolish but to complete. I am going to put it all together, pull it all together in a vast panorama."- Jesus Matthew 5:18

The scripture above shows so wonderfully what Jesus wanted to do here on earth. He didn't come to take away or erase but to give what was needed to complete and fix the broken. He came to give us resurrection, the ultimate breakthrough. He gave us the perfect example when He trusted His Father on the cross. In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus begged His dad to let Him do it another way. He revealed a broken place we all have in common. It's the fear of letting our broken places die. Jesus showed us that it's ok to express your desperate desire to go another way. This is actually a confession of weakness. Jesus also showed us that this is not the place to stop and agree with your current feelings. It's the place we agree to disagree with ourselves and in faith agree with the perfect will of God. Submission to our weakness offers the supernatural grace needed to die to self so we can be resurrected with Jesus. Brokenness can be the door to your breakthrough.

I've learned that the most loving thing I can do is admit my weakness. It offers me the opportunity to find the missing pieces that complete me and make me whole. Neglecting to admit your weakness only hurts yourself and others. Remember, you're not alone in your suffering. Others are watching and waiting for you to see what is broken and choose another way. Maybe it's time to let your brokenness die? Begin with considering God's kindness and faithfulness. He will finish the good work He started with you. Humble yourself, and you will find the One who never leaves you alone in your suffering. Grab hold of His hand and follow His truth from the grave to your breakthrough.

"Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted." Matthew 23:12

AKA- go low. In due time He will lift you

Believe. He Is Working It Out.

2017-06-21T09:51:00.002-04:00

This morning I came across this reading of Romans 8 by John Piper.

POWERFUL!

I must admit that the beginning of this chapter might lead your heart down a path of judging yourself disqualified to the hope found in the words written long ago by Paul. The unseen hope of patiently overcoming all the heartaches and suffering we experience here on earth.

The chapter begins with a truth -

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Ahh, yes I believe that:)

And the following words bring more hope.

2 For the law of the Spirit[a] of life in Christ Jesus has set you[b] free from the law of

sin and of death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do: by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and to deal with sin,[c] he condemned sin in the flesh,

4 so that the just requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us,

who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Then my heart fell when I heard - "and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

Why do we always want to believe the worst about ourselves? Why do we blame ourselves for something we could have never done on our own. That is the perfected work of the enemies lies. We want to believe we will never measure up. There is some truth in that, but if we trace our finger back to the words written before we judged ourselves, we see the truth we missed that sets us all free.

"God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do."

We could never overcome the law and please God because we are weakened by the flesh. The marriage of law and flesh was God's plan to begin with...He knew it would produce a frustration within us that would eventually bring us to truth. It is His mission to do for us what we cannot do on our own. Our flesh is earthly tent where our spirit from Heaven dwells until we the day we are set free to return Home. He knows our flesh isn't capable of pleasing Him without Him. So, He made it His responsibility to deal with the flesh by sending His son Jesus to do what the law could not do.. give us grace:)

"He sent Jesus to save whom He foreknew."

He knew you before you came to live on this earth in a tent of flesh. He knew and knows your struggles. He predestined you to be conformed to the image of His son (the ultimate overcomer). And those He predestined He also called, and He justified and those He justified He also glorifies.

29 For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family.[v]

30 And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.

We must return to this truth. He made the way, and He continues to make the way. He has given us His Spirit who lives in us and who pleases God for us and through us.
This is why we have hope. This is why we never give up. He started the good work long before you were ever here on earth and He promises to finish it ....... His responsibility...... Your responsibility ...... Begins with belief.

When we believe, we open our heart to the unseen hope. This gives God just what He needs to be at work in our lives.

I love the ending of Romans 8- The Spirit of God, who is always interceding for us and fighting for us makes us righteous. Not us alone but us only by the Spirit of God who lives within us.

Share His yoke and put your condemning one down. Grab hold of the hope that has invited us all partake of the Good story God is working out in all of our lives.

Remember, Nothing can separate you from His love.

I end this morning again with remembering His words to me at the beginning of this year... "You will judge the one who promises faithful". I will judge Him faithful in the end because He cannot lie :) This I WILL believe:)

The ending of this chapter is the glue of our faith.. It is the why we believe.

Romans 8:24-38

24 "For in[o] hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes[p] for what is seen? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes[q] with sighs too deep for words. 27 And God,[r] who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit[s] intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.[t]

28 We know that all things work together for good[u] for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family.[v] 30 And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.

God’s Love in Christ Jesus

31 What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? 33 Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.[w] 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all day long;
we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The Unexpected Ending- He is Faithful

2017-06-02T12:13:00.001-04:00

This morning I awoke to the song "Hosanna." When I hear it, my imagination takes me to a place in history where the news of Jesus' arrival in Jerusalem is first breaking. As He enters in on a donkey, I see myself amongst the crowd of people who had been wondering if he would come. I can feel the desperateness and relief in their hearts as they shout "Hosanna" God save us!

They sing with a knowing that they finally get to see their prayers in faith become a reality. The rescue. And then, how they must have felt when their version of the story looked nothing like His.

After reading my devotional today, I thought God did respond to their cry for help. The shout "God save us" tipped the bowl of prayers that had been filling with the prayers of faith since the beginning of time. The spill produced a shower of mercy and grace that gave them the ability to withstand His heartbreaking version of the story. Our plans almost never line up with God's. We expect the rescue to look a certain way. Unfortunately, most of the time, His version of the story is first seen through eyes of faith. Why, I guess it allows us to make a choice, is He good? Is He faithful? The crowd that day gathered to watch an expected ending, but it was just the beginning to an unexpected end. His ending would help them, and us make the right choice. He is good, and He is Faithful.

A lyric in the song above sums it all up for me.

"But when I think about the road you took for love, I know your grace will stay the path."

When we can't see what He's doing, we choose to believe He is working it out in a way that will reveal His good and His glory in our story. He wants our story to be good, but sometimes our version has to die before He can write His. When He died on the cross, all we could see was an unjustified death. And it was, but it was the only way to justify it. His death gave us life. It took time to see what death was doing on the cross. And, with His mercy and grace, we learn to overcome the pain of watching our plans die until we see His plan come alive.

This season He keeps reminding of Sarah's story.

"She judged Him faithful who had promised". - Hebrews 11:11

What precedes those words about Sarah is where we find the way we can also judge Him faithful.

"Through faith, Sarah herself received strength to conceive."

It is by faith, having faith in the unseen goodness and faithfulness of God, that we are given the "strength" (Mercy & Grace) to conceive His promise.

The ending to Sarah's story needed to die so God's could come alive within her. He let her write one, and it didn't turn out so good. He also gave her time to see her way didn't lead to life. I'm sure there was a private moment where she cried out too, God save me. It's at that moment we understand we need a new ending. We stop striving and struggling and let go. It's the perfect place for faith. Nothing else can enter because you can see no other ending. And that's when He gives us the strength to conceive a new plan, His perfect plan. In this space and place, we will see His goodness and judge Him faithful.

Another wonderful devotional below to remind us of His faithfulness. His mercies are new every single day. An anchor for us all.

RACHAMIM

“Do you believe,” said the teacher, “that God has mercy?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Of course, you’ve taught me that.”

“No,” said the teacher. “God does not have mercy.”

“With all respect,” I said cautiously, “that’s not right.” It was the first time I had ever contradicted him in such a direct way.

“Prove your point,” he said.

“I was just reading the Book of Daniel. In it, Daniel prays for God’s mercy on the people of Israel. He says, “To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness…”

“It doesn’t say that,” he replied, “not in the original language. It says ‘to the Lord belong rachamim.'”

“What is rachamim?”

“Some would translate it as mercy. But rachamim is not a singular noun. It’s plural. It doesn’t mean mercy. It means mercies. It means that God’s mercy is more than mercy. God’s mercy is so great, so strong, and so deep that it can’t be contained in a single word. Rachamim means that His mercy has no end.”

“What about the word for sin?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Is it by nature singular or plural?”

“The word for sin,” said the teacher, “is singular.”

“But the word for mercy is plural,” I said.

“And what odes that tell you?”

“That no matter what my sin is, no matter how great, the mercy of God is always greater. And no matter how much I’ve sinned, no matter how many sins I have, the mercies of God are more than my sins.”

“Yes,” said the teacher. “So don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that you’ve exhausted God’s mercy. You never have. You never could. And you never will. He will always have more mercies than you have sins, more than enough to cover every sin and to still have enough compassion left over to love you forever. For what the Lord has for you is not mercy…but rachamim.”

The Mission: Open your heart today to receive the rachamim God has for you, not only for your sins, but the overflowing rivers of His compassions and love.

Psalm 136; Lamentations 3:22-23; Daniel 9:9; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Cahn, Jonathan. “Rachamim.” The Book of Mysteries. Lake Mary, FL: FrontLine, 2016. Day 56. Print.

23 - Wilderness to Wonder

2017-05-23T08:21:00.004-04:00

May 23, 2017-

Every time I see "23" it reminds me of a many things. It holds a sense of wonder because it's meaning is complex, deep, full of pain and full of hope. I was born on the 23rd and years later felt my deepest pain on the 23rd. It led me into the desert and walked with me through the wilderness. It revealed the bitterness in my heart as I wrestled with Psalm 23. And, it broke my heart to be in "The valley of the shadow of death" but I knew it was where I needed to camp out for a while. I needed time to let go of the way I saw my world. I needed new eyes and that's what I got living in "The Tent World". In the valley I met The Shepherd. Over time He became My Shepherd. Today 23 reminds me that I'm not alone and I'm on a journey that is leading me home.

This morning I listened to the song above and it paired so well with my morning devotional. The lyrics are hopeful and full of wonder and remind us that He turns the wilderness in wonder.

“No matter what happens in this world or in your life, never forget, you’re not home…you’re only journeying through. Every problem will pass, and every temptation will fade. So tread lightly. It’s where your’re going. Keep your eyes focused and your heart fixed on your destination-on the Promised Land. And for all the rest, just remember…you’re only camping.”

"The Tent World"

Jonathan Cahn

He led me to a plateau from which we could see a vast panorama of the wilderness, mountains, valleys, canyons, plains, rocks, and sand.

“It bears a profound mystery,” said the teacher.

“What does?” I asked.

“This…the desert. It’s the landscape through which God’s people journeyed on their way to the Promised Land.”

“The Israelites.”

“Yes. In order to get to the Promised Land, they had to journey through the desert wilderness, dwelling in tents. In that is the revelation.”

“The revelation of what?” I asked.

“This life,” he said. “Everything in this world is temporary. It’s not the place in which we stay. It’s the place through which we journey We pass through this world. It isn’t our home. It’s the tent world. And all of us are just campers. Everything in this world changes, every circumstance, every experience, every stage of life…they’re all tents. We dwell in one tent for a season, ad then move on to another. Your childhood was tent in which once you dwelt and then you moved on. Your good times, your bad times, your successes and failures, your problems, your joys and sorrows, your adulthood, your old age…they’re all just tents. Even your physical being, even that’s a tent, temporary and always changing. The very frailty of it all is a reminder that we’re only journeying through.”

“Journeying through to where?” I asked.

“For the child of God, it’s the journey home. It’s the journey home to the Promised Land…to heaven…the place where we give up our tents and exchange that which is temporary for that which is everlasting.”

“And how do I apply this?”

“In every way,” he said. “No matter what happens in this world or in your life, never forget, you’re not home…you’re only journeying through. Every problem will pass, and every temptation will fade. So tread lightly. It’s where your’re going. Keep your eyes focused and your heart fixed on your destination-on the Promised Land. And for all the rest, just remember…you’re only camping.”

The Mission: Living this day as a camper. Don’t get caught up in your circumstances. Focus instead on the journeying. And travel lightly.

2 Corinthians 4:16-5:5; Hebrews 11:8-16

I love what 2 Corinthians 4:18 says- "There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." - MSG

She Judged Him Faithful

2017-04-04T11:05:00.004-04:00

Recently I attended the funeral of a dear friend. His mother had passed on to Heaven, and we were invited to join the family as they celebrated her life. Her pastor spoke that day on behalf of the family and offered a message of hope. The scripture he used to describe her that day is still with me. It’s like it opened a locked door deep within my heart.

"She JUDGED Him Faithful."

The pastor was comparing my friend's mother to Sarah, the mother of nations and one that judged her God faithful. I did not know my friend's mother but the descriptions given that day by her loved ones made me believe that she was an amazing mother and wife. I left the funeral hoping that the words spoken at my funeral would some day be like her's, one who judged her God faithfully.

Jesus and I have been talking about why this scripture won’t leave my mind, and He has been sweet to give me insight. I love it when He extends an invitation to talk when your least expecting it. Below is what He has shown me so far.

“Beyond your pay grade,” is a term used in the military to inform someone that they don't have the rank to make certain decisions. I feel Jesus is always saying to me, Julie, this is above your pay grade. You can't make that decision. You don't know all the facts or hold the authority to make those decisions. I want to move on your behalf, but other things need to happen. It's not time yet.

The delay. Why the delay? I want things to go my way and in my time. I want to move out of the desert and cross over to the Promise Land. I want to be comfortable. I want to feel safe. I know this is not the way things work, so why am I always frustrated by the delay? The Bible was written to warn us of the delay and teaches us how to prepare and what to do in the delay.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble.

But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NIV)

The ending will be amazing! I'm sure of that, but the trouble we experience along the way can be too much at times.

Two more years and suddenly he is free. Joseph went to prison because of the evil choices of his brothers. While in prison, he retains his integrity and abilities and after testing is rewarded with two more years of unjustified imprisonment — and then suddenly he's free. This happens so often in the Bible. Sometimes, unfortunate circumstances go on and on and on. You analyze them and pray about them, and they only get worse.

Jesus tells us, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority" (Acts 1:7 NIV).

That's a harsh answer when you're in prison. Joseph experiences two more years of separation, loneliness, injustice, and the appearance of abandonment in response to his obedience. What's the point God's trying to make? I'm not sure, but I do see that somehow all of the heroes of faith who have painful, messy lives end with God's stamp of glory upon them. He carries them through.

Sarah is another person who is presently teaching me to be patient. I keep thinking about the time she laughed at God. She was at an all time low when this happened. Twenty-five years had passed, and the promised child hadn’t appeared. There had been "talk" of the promise, but God never told her "when." As time slowly passed, she gave up on hope and her body’s natural ability to give birth. I can see her now, standing in the kitchen washing dishes. She stands close to the wall to eavesdrop on God and Abraham's conversation, waiting for the promise to be mentioned and the explanation of why they didn't get it. I wonder if she thought it was her fault. When the delay took its toll on her hope, she decided to make her own way. Her great idea was to get Abram to sleep with the maid. She became the judge and went way beyond her pay grade. She must have felt an overwhelming sense of shame for helping Abraham lose his hope and promise.

I imagine God was patiently waiting, holding out for the moment when Sarah felt fully pregnant with her hopelessness. He knew one mention of the promise would induce the long awaited labor of her barrenness. As she retreated to the kitchen she heard the promise and laughed. God heard her and asked about it, and she denied its existence. I think the laugh revealed a lie Sarah had come to believe about God — that He wasn’t faithful. He knew this was her struggle and wanted to remove the lie and replace it with truth. He saw and understood her humanness within her story of His eternal glory. Instead of judgment, He offered her mercy and gave her what He promised — His faithfulness.

Sarah's story is messy. She made many mistakes and struggled to hold on to her faith. She wasn't perfect, but God still loved her and made good on His promise. The fulfillment of her dream gives me so much hope. Our lives are about becoming within the delay. We become more like Jesus in the wait. Sarah's becoming fully bloomed in the book of Hebrews. Here we get to see how God saw Sarah during the delay.

"…she judged him faithful who had promised." (Hebrews 11:11)

When I look back at some of my heroes in the Bible, I see that I'm not alone in my suffering. I also get to see that my heroes are human and make many mistakes. They teach me that I don't have to live a perfect life to be greatly loved by God. I will mess up. I will let my loved ones down. I will disappoint myself over and over again. I will try to figure things out on my own and manipulate them for my good. I will fall and scrape my knees and bleed. I will need to give forgiveness and ask for it a million times this side of heaven. I will trip many times over the truth that I can't save or fix anyone. My messy life doesn't bother God. He knew my story before I did and still created me. Today, I am learning that I can't do anything without Him, but with Him all things are possible.

To me, this is a good picture of what He's doing in the delay:

So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.

I’ll round up all your scattered children,

pull them in from east and west.

I’ll send orders north and south:

“Send them back.

Return my sons from distant lands,

my daughters from faraway places.

I want them back, every last one who bears my name,

every man, woman, and child

Whom I created for my glory,

yes, personally formed and made each one.” (Isaiah 43:7-10)

What do you believe and why? - Trey Gowdy

2016-11-03T13:20:00.004-04:00

"You've got to figure out what you believe and more importantly why you believe it."

- Trey Gowdy

A few weeks ago I ran across this speech given by Trey Gowdy to the students of Liberty University. I decided to listen to it while I was pouring my 1st cup of coffee that morning. Normally I "T-R-Y" to pray before I let the chaos of the day in, but I was overtaken by the urge to listen to my new favorite Hero, Trey Gowdy!!! I love his heart that pursues truth and fights for justice. I was deeply convicted by a question he asks his audience to answer:

"You've got to figure out what you believe and more importantly why you
believe it. It's never enough in politics or of any other sphere of persuasion to simply tell people what you believe you must know why you believe it."- Trey Gowdy

I thought to myself, I know what I believe and I think I know why I believe it. But I felt like I need to pray and ask Jesus what His thoughts were towards my convicted heart. I said, Jesus, I believe in you, but WHY do I believe in you? The first thought that came to my mind was John 3:16. I kind of laughed and said, really Lord. That's too easy. Everyone knows John 3:16!! Come on this has to be my thoughts.. give me yours..I waited a few minutes and then decided to look it up and read it again. Before I read it I felt like the Lord said trust me I'm going to highlight something in this familiar verse that you've never paid attention to before. Here is what He said. It's a little long but when I was finished reading it I felt like the Lord showed me how to pray for myself and for the Untied States of America. I was blown away by His faithfulness to answer my question WHY..

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son. AND THIS IS WHY: So that no one need be destroyed:by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending His son merely to point and accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts is acquitted (Set Free); anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. AND WHY? Because of that persons failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. "This is the crisis we're in: God- light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness. They went for the darkness because they were not really interested in pleasing God. Everyone who makes a practice of doing evil addicted to denial and illusion hates God-light and wont come near it fearing a painful exposure. But anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God- Light so the work can be seen for the God- work it is." - John 3:16-21

I felt like the Lord was showing me the Why was so not one of us would be destroyed by the evil of this world and by simply believing we could have a whole and full and lasting life now and into eternity. He came to bring light to our darkened world. I thought how easy, we simply believe! The other part of this scripture that stood out to me was the description of those who practice evil.. those who are addicted to denial and illusion!

As I watch our current events unfold today I cant help but think about the leaders who are addicted to denial and illusion. They manipulate truth and reality because they fear the painful exposure that will come when God's light exposes the evil. I have taken on this prayer for myself, my family and for the United States of America. "My prayer is God, Let there be light. Shine your light upon the darkness. I personally repent for my denial of the truth and disillusionment of reality. I also am willing to stand in the gap and pray this for my Nation and the great leaders You are raising up to shine your light and bring your truth." Again, I'm reminded that we do not place our hope in a political party or a person but in God and God alone. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, He will show us the way. He will expose the truth.

I think this is a prayer we can all pray that will bring unity back to the United States of America. Let truth expose the lies and wake us up to see the reality of our current circumstances.

Let There Be Light-

Waiting For My Job 42

2016-10-24T10:28:00.002-04:00

"Champion"

Bryan and Katie Torwalt

This song brings prayer back into perspective. He is the Champion of our prayers!

For years I have been dreaming of my “Job 42” moment. In Job 42, God turns the captivity of Job in the direction of deliverance and double restoration.

And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. (Job 42:10, KJV)

I’ve weathered through some rough seasons, and I’m ready to see a change. I’m weary and finding it hard to see new life. I guess that is why God keeps reminding me of Job’s story. Job was an overcomer. He was a man of great patience who weathered a horrific season of loss. But, when I look at his life, I see the bigger picture of God’s story. I am reminded that the world we live in is at war against the spirit of God who lives in us. So, if I want deliverance, I need to seek God for His strategies to overcome.

At the beginning of this year I felt God saying, This will be the year of fun.

Yes, God. It’s about time. I just want to rest and have fun for a season.

I then heard Him say, You will have to fight for it. Fight for fun? I had waited and waited AND waited for Him to bring me to this very moment, but I didn’t think I would have to fight for fun. I didn’t have anymore fight in me, but that was the very place God wanted to meet me.

I heard the Lord say, Julie where is your heart?

I replied, “I don’t even know.”

He said, You’re weary.

I said, “Why?”

And this is what He showed me.

For the past two years, I have been learning to pray and to be an intercessor for others. I had grown weary along the way because I wasn’t seeing the answers I was looking for. One day in prayer the Lord led me to a verse I thought I knew by heart, but when I read it from The Message it shifted my perspective.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. (Matthew 11: 28-30, The Message)

I began to cry. I was tired and didn’t know the culprit was religion. In this season of learning to pray, I let go of joy and picked up something that was never mine to carry. That something was judgment.

My process up to this point was praying for circumstances to change. I was judging the way circumstances should play out. The posture of my heart was in the wrong place. I was telling God what to do, but He wanted me to see the position of my heart. Unanswered prayers led me to weariness and unbelief. I found myself not wanting to pray anymore. If it didn’t work, then why pray, right? I was frustrated. But I found hope in the frustration knowing it was His way of letting me know I have more to learn. I confessed my feelings of wanting to give up, and He began to teach me a new way.

As I leaned in to learn, the Holy Spirit kept reminding me of Job 42, but that was frustrating as I have been waiting for so long and it felt like it would never be true for me. In that frustration, I asked myself a question: What put deliverance and redemption into motion for Job?

IT WAS PRAYER.

Not just any prayer, but prayer that came from a heart that was prepared and ready to pray for mercy.

Think about the progression of events: Job’s suffering kept him searching for deliverance. With the help of his friends, he sifted through all the possible reasons for his unjust suffering. His friends concluded it was his own fault. They judged him. This was the moment God was waiting for so He could speak truth.

God asks Job, Where were you when I created the Heavens and Earth? Where were you when I told the sun to rise this morning? Where were you, where were you, where were you?

I never really enjoyed reading this part of Job’s story because it feels like God is mad. I can identify with Job and his pain; to have God reply in this manner seems harsh.

Until, this morning, when God changed my perspective.

What if God’s point in His explanation for Job’s suffering was to teach him what J-O-B was Job’s and what J-O-B was God’s?

God reveals His Glory and Majesty. He is the creator of all things, and He is the only One who has the authority to judge. God gives Job his J-O-B in this circumstance, and that is to simply pray for his friends. The ones who blamed him for his own suffering. The friends who thought their J-O-B was to judge. The friends who most likely planted unseen seeds of bitterness in Job’s heart. God’s remedy for redemption was to dig up the seeds of judgment before they took root. He promised to restore Job only after he prayed for the restoration of his friends.

This teaches me that God’s heart is always after redemption. My job is to align my heart with His, so I can pray for the mercy needed to set me and others free.

What if the whole point is to pray for mercy? Wouldn’t that make perfect sense? The world we live in today fell when Adam and Eve agreed to be their own judges. They were hoodwinked into biting the forbidden fruit of judgment. With just one bite, their eyes were open to see shame, and we’ve been judging and blaming God ever since.

I think God’s heart in all of this was for me to see that judgment was not my job. I kept praying for God to judge those who were sinning against me. He showed me how that can be a double-edged sword. If I’m demanding Him to judge others, He in return has to judge me the same. Do I really want judgment? Maybe, maybe not. But what I do know is if He’s asking me to pray to have mercy on others then I’m probably going to get mercy myself. I’m thinking that’s a much better deal in the long run.

This revelation has changed my perspective on prayer. Prayer is a process that will lead me into a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father by asking Him first what His perspective is on the matter and how my heart needs to change so I can align with Heaven and bring His will to earth. I think this is going to stretch and grow me in a wonderful way. This year of fun will be full of pulling down mercy from above that may put into motion my Job 42 moment.

And the LORD turned the captivity of Julie Peck, when she prayed for her friends: also, the LORD gave Julie Peck twice as much as she had before.

Climbing Everest

2016-03-15T16:31:00.001-04:00

"Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way."

Dr. Suess

"The summit is just a halfway point."

-Ed Viesturs

I am in year twelve of the journey of living the loss of my four-year-old son. Day one of this trip looked impossible. Today, as I look back, it blows my mind how I've made it to this point without losing heart. Along the way, I have met many who have. They allowed the ending of their stories to be written by the thief who stole what was not his to steal.

I get it. I've been in their shoes. Life isn't fair, and when you're faced with this sobering reality, you must choose: Will I believe the thief, or will I believe the One who can redeem what the thief has stolen? The choice is as old as time (Adam and Eve were the first to exercise this choice).

In the midst of a tragic circumstance the choice isn't clear, and it isn’t easy.

Facing one of the cruelest realities of life, the death of my child, forced me to look beyond myself. My heart could not accept any form of human reasoning; none of it was big enough to hold the pain. What I needed could only come from above. I needed Jesus and the evidence Heaven offers me about death. His resurrection is the evidence, and our reconciliation is the future promise. This truth gave me hope, and helped me make a very powerful decision: I chose to allow God to write redemption into my story of loss. That choice has made all the difference.

I can see the difference now, but I remember a time when I saw only a mountain of problems. So many problems surface with grief. The first problem is learning to embrace grief and to mourn so you can receive comfort. We want to push grief far away because it requires us to feel the pain of loss. We don't want to hurt any more than we do already, so we rush through the process and miss the grace and comfort needed for healing. Grief also has a way of exposing all the other areas of brokenness in your life. Many blame grief for the problems that occur after loss, but it is my opinion that grief exposes problems that were there before the loss. Grief lays you bare. By welcoming God into your grief, He can multitask. He can heal your whole heart, not just part of it.

So, with this hope we choose His plan and accept the challenge to climb the mountain. He helps us build a team that will guide and support us during the climb. This team is made up of wise counsel and fellow climbers. These two components are essential for a safe and effective climb. But, even with their help, the climb is brutal and bloody; it is dangerous and daunting. In order to ascend, you will meet the monsters of grief and broken places. You will become overwhelmed and tired; you will question why you ever chose to put yourself through this pain; you will want to give up; you will scream and cry, but you must keep going because to turn around is fatal, and you want those who are following you to see that healing is possible. You want to challenge the impossibility of climbing to the summit of grief and making it there alive and being transformed by the journey.

Today, I've made it to the summit. I've scaled grief and brokenness and for the first time feel peace and see fruit. I feel I have been given a second chance to do life.

I let out a sigh of relief, and I enjoy the view from the top. I sit for a moment and allow the sun to shine upon my face. I enjoy the victory. I rest. At first, I think the battle is over. But, now I'm sensing that the battle isn’t finished and that I need to be as intentional on the way down as I was on the way up.

It’s a round trip. Getting to the summit is optional, getting down is mandatory. (Ed Viesturs)

The Lord is now teaching me it's a round trip. An experienced mountain climber, Ed Viesturs, says when you plan to climb a mountain you must remember, "It's a round trip. Getting to the summit is optional, getting down is mandatory.” If you make it all the way to the summit but die making your way back down, the whole trip is meaningless. So, how hard could it be going down? I've done the most difficult work so what else could there be?

While enjoying my summit perch, I watched the movie, Everest. The movie spoke to my spirit about the next part of my journey. There are many life lessons in the film, but the one that stuck out the most was:

More people die on the way down the mountain than on the way up.

Wow, can you believe that? It baffled me. I felt the Lord saying, Julie, pay close attention to that statistic. The way down will not be easy. Remember, you've spent 30 years living in a way that built the mountain you just summited. Now it's going to take intentionality in learning how to live differently. In the descent of your mountain, you will still be learning.
I thought the point of the climb was to summit. I was wrong. There is more.

After the success of a hard climb, we often let our guard down. With the goal completed, some fall into depression or sin from boredom or complacency. You've battled the loss of a loved one, wrestled with the worries of a prodigal, let go of your home, and now you've reached the summit, and life is less chaotic. Now it's time to head back down. So you think it's all downhill from here. With your pride inflated by your recent victories and your physical body weak from the climb, you begin to descend. You think, I've got this now. I don't need anyone's help, and I'm sure they are tired of praying for me. You quit counseling and let go of your community. These are the two major mistakes, and they can be deadly.

The challenge coming down the mountain is, Can I live in peace after I've lived in the chaos of the battle for so long? Remember, the summit is just a halfway point. I think the difference between life and death after you climbed your Everest is sticking with the plan you put into place to climb it.

Today, I feel the Lord giving me my tools for the descent. He is showing me that prayer will be my most valuable tool. I have been learning that daily aligning with Him brings His peace and authority. I have also learned about my role in interceding for family and friends. He wants me to join with Him to help bring Heaven’s plans to earth. Another valuable tool for the descent is watching for pride. Many times it sneaks in through the door of entitlement. I've worked this hard so I deserve (blank), or I've come this far, and this is all I get? I'm quitting and going after what I want. Marriages fail, friendships are severed, and fortunes lost because we let the summit experience be the end. It's not. It's a round trip, and we need to make it down the mountain for the summit to mean anything to us and those following us.

I want my climb to mean something, and I don't want to die on the way down. There is too much at stake. I will be preparing for the descent and will keep you updated on what I learn along the way.

Weary one, grab hold of My hand.

2016-01-07T11:58:00.001-05:00

"Good, good Father"

Housefires

I'm feeling a bit weary this week. Looking at a new year of endless possibilities, I find myself questioning. Am I up for the challenge? Am I worthy or adequate to blaze a new trail this year? Do I dare dream that there is a bigger hope to dream for the impossible to become possible?

Stepping out to grow and lead others to dream is a bit scary. God doesn't send us a detailed list of to-do's for the year. He wants us to lean in and pray and listen to His still small voice. He wants us to follow the next nudge that leads to the next nudge. This process to me feels a little like walking blindfolded to my next destination. I never really know where we are going, but when I get there He always gives me a gift. You give Him your heart, thoughts, hands and feet and He gives you His grace, presence and power to accomplish the impossible. The gift is really a new part of "you" that looks more like Him at the end of the process. What He produces through you is only a bonus. I know how this process works by looking back at past trails and yet I still find myself struggling again with the invitation to blaze a new one. The blindfold goes back on and I'm forced to accepted that I don't know the next step. I struggle for a week or two and hear Him say, humble yourself. He wants me to realize I'm not the one in charge. He reminds me that our last journey took me to this new trail but this journey won't look like the last. Our last journey grew me and my faith. It developed some character and some fruit but the point of the journey was trust. His question at the beginning of every new journey is will you trust me more? Will you trust that I love you and care for you more than anyone you know? Will you trust me to show up right on time with just what you need to take the next step? Will you let go just a little bit more of your plan and accept more of mine?

When I focus on my plans it gives me anxiety. I think about what He has called me to do and I have no idea how to do it on my own. He calls us to heavenly tasks so earthly plans do not exist. When I begin planning on my own, He allows me to feel overwhelmed. This is what doing His plan in your own strength feels like.

It's His way of saying, "Lay your worries of 'how" back down at my feet and come to me. Come and bring me your heart, thoughts and worries. I want to hear your voice speak these concerns to Me. Allow Me to lift My responsibilities from you and give you My peace. You will only accomplish My tasks by allowing Me to do them through you. So for now, let Me pour My love into your heart. Set your eyes on Mine and see that I'm here for "you", not your "to do". My whole focus is you and the healing of your heart."

We get so bogged down in God "using us". His plans are to use us, but it's not with a slavery mindset. We are not His "minion's", we are His children. Minions are only good while they produce. When they get weary, they get replaced. Children are nurtured and developed through a loving relationship to be in community. This community works together and provides a space for the weary to rest, not be replaced. Our Good Father is more concerned about maturing us and conditioning our hearts with His love. We can produce so much more when we first feel loved and taken care of by Him. His focus is relationship, not ownership. When He returns He will recognize those who sat at His feet and conversed with Him. Those who shared their hearts with Him and allowed Him to share His heart with us. He is the One who gives us tasks and instruction. The temptation for us is to do things on our own. We can do mighty things in His name and still never know Him. What will He say to those people who did things on their own?

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Matthew 7:21-23

"Evildoers", doing things He did not ask us to do. Have you ever had someone do something for you that you didn't ask them to do? This person may of had good intentions to help, but without you asking for help, may have messed things up. The mindset of this person is focused on their ability to fix rather God's ability to make whole. We don't want to be this kind of person for Jesus. We want to help His plans not interfere with them. Sitting at His feet and listening to His written word will help develop us into this kind of person. Just think, His first words to us when we see Him face to face could be, "Good work my good and faithful servant". You believed in me and listened to me and did just what I asked you to do. Always, remember His yolk is not hard if you walk with Him.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

So, with this year set before me I'm laying down my worries and plans. I'm going to spend some time at His feet listening to His plans and allowing Him to love me. I know when I focus on Him, He takes care of everything else.

2016 will be a year of possibility for the one willing to believe.

I wanted to share a part of my daily prayer time with you. It really helped me this morning refocus on how He see's me. I hope it helps you:)

Pray Psalm 91 over yourself and family everyday. Declare it out loud. It tells the unseen things of this world that you are siding with God. The unseen world and it's confusion and weariness has to bow and leave when you declare who’s side your on. There is power in the name of "Jesus". Allow Him to show you His power as you command all things not of Jesus to go to His feet so He can deal with them, not you. This doesn’t mean hard things go away, it means God gives you His vision and plan on how to navigate it. Then read the except below and begin to believe it. All you have to do is believe, God will work on your behalf. Watch for the open doors and the closed ones. Thank Him every day for His blessings. Gratitude will open the door to grace. He gives us grace to accomplish what He calls us to do.

"Thank you Father for hearing my prayers-

(Insert Your Name), I know the burdens you carry”

"Come to Me and rest. Find peace from the trouble of your day. I know your responsibilities are many, and I know the burdens you carry. So come to Me, and I will be your Hiding Place. My heart will be your Refuge.

"Call Me your Shepherd and I will carry you. Call Me your Friend and I will listen to your heart's cry. Call Me your Redeemer and I will bring restoration to your soul. Absorb My peace. Being busy with many things will bring distraction and discouragement. But when you come to leave your "busyness" with Me I will bring you to My chamber where everything is at peace.

"The expectations of others will drown out My song of grace over your life. Listen in stillness to My lyrics of love and you will soar above the disappointments in your journey. Call Me your Strength and My invisible power will be seen in your life.

"Never be limited by the feeling of weakness. I know the burdens you carry, burdens of past failures and fear of inadequacy as you ponder your future. I am here with you this very moment to be more than a Companion, I will be the Lord of Love and the God of Every Tender Mercy.

"I am drawn to your weakness, for grace is My constant passion-- to show you that My grace is more than enough. Rise from the place of despair and betrayal and come to Me. Call Me your Burden-Bearer and leave them all at My feet. You will rise up with strength and be surrounded with peace. The comfort of My grace is with you, My child."

Psalm 23 The Passion Translation

THE GOOD SHEPHERD

David’s poetic praise to God

¹The Lord is my Shepherd and my Best Friend.

I always have more than enough.

²He offers a resting place for me

In his luxurious love.

His tracks take me to an oasis of peace,

The quiet brook of bliss.

³That’s where he restores and revives my life.

He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure,

And leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness,

So that I can bring honor to his name.

⁴Lord, even when your path takes me through

The valley of deepest darkness

Fear will never conquer me, for you already have!

You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.

Your authority is my strength and my peace.

The comfort of your love takes away my fear.

I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.

⁵You become my delicious feast

Even when my enemies dare to fight.

You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;

You give me all I can drink of you until my heart overflows.

⁶So why would I fear the future?

For I’m being pursued only by

Your goodness and unfailing love.

Then afterwards—when my life is through,

I’ll return to your glorious presence

To be forever with you!

I agree with what I have said in Jesus name.. I believe.

Amen

The Prayer above was found in "I hear His whisper"- by Brian Simmons

I will trust here in the mystery

2015-12-23T13:19:00.003-05:00

"Heroes"

Amanda Cook

This.

This song captures my journey. I awoke today, December 23, 2015, and found a gift. I have been waiting a long time for it. I knew it was coming, because it was promised to me.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

The gift is peace. Not just any peace, but peace that surpasses my understanding. It came slowly over time but has shown up today in a way that I can't explain or understand. This day is a day of remembrance for my family. A day that a very special little boy moved into a new home. One that His Father had been preparing for him since the beginning of time. It was a day we will never forget. One that began very bitter but has been sweetened over time because He has brought healing to our hearts.

As I unwrapped my gift this morning, one thought kept running through my mind. "Wow, how can it be? The sharp pain of grief is gone." I'm still sad, and I never want that feeling to go away. I will always miss Jack. But, the isolating, crippling pain that I once lived with is gone. I can't really tell you how it happened. There is no formula for this kind of healing. It was given in small amounts along the way. There are many pieces to this puzzle.

Some of my pieces looked like this:

Time alone in the wilderness with Jesus.

Attending a grief share group.

Slowly welcoming and accepting my new community of fellow grievers.

Realizing my grief is hard for others to watch and it may push them away for a season.

Counseling is a lifetime investment

Serving others in need

Allowing truth/Jesus to transform the way I think, see, act and believe.

I'm sure there are more pieces, but those are foundational.

This morning, as I thought about the peace, I heard Jesus say, "Tell your story, it gives hope to the one's behind you." I know there are many who need hope. They need to know that someday their grief will lift and the pain will not always sting so bad. The one's looking for hope will find it in Jesus, just like I did.

My story looks like this today. My family is together and we are all under one roof:) That is a miracle in itself! I hear the laughter of two sisters who are happy to be together. That gives me such unexplainable joy. I also hear, I love you's from so many of you who have helped us carry our grief. Thank you for hanging in there with us! Also, our family members are all at different parts of their journey. Some are more sad today than others, and that is OK. We will laugh and we will cry. We will talk about Jack and wonder what he would be like today if he was still here. Just this morning we were arguing over what kind of clothes he would wear. Would he be preppy or sporty? Ha!, We still have not come to a conclusion. Today we will meet each other right where they are on their journey. We will allow the breath of God to renew our hearts and prepare us for another year of walking this out. With each year we learn a new part of the bigger story. And, that makes this journey worth it!

I'm going to end this journal entry now so I can go laugh, and maybe shed a few tears with my peeps. May hope and peace fill your hearts today. Merry Christmas to you all!!

Love the Peck's

Can't wait to kiss that face again!

The lyrics to the song above are so good. Read them and allow them to transform you.

Let the heroes rest

Let the striving cease
I lay down my crown
Here at Your feet

I will trust
Here in the mystery
I will trust
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Let the weary rise
Lift their eyes to see
Your love crushing every lie
Every doubt and fear

I will trust
Here in the mystery
I will trust
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are making all things new

My Story Of Hope

2015-12-06T13:31:00.001-05:00

"Pieces"

Amanda Cook

The song above tells of a man I met on my journey

who has given me hope to live again.

He is my God. A God of real tangible hope.

My story. I struggle every time I'm asked to tell my story. Why? I guess because it's hard to sit down and go over the past accounts. So many of them have withdrawals that I never saw coming. The "perfect" account of my story would be one without the debits of loss and grief. Yet, I know all too well today, in this moment, my "perfect" story will only be perfected in Heaven.

And this, the new belief system that allows me to peacefully make the statement above is what I'm most thankful for today. My heart has been healed in ways I never thought would be possible 10 years ago. This hope that flows through me is a living miracle with in me that I want to share with the world. The seeds of hope were planted in my heart at the moment of deep tragedy. I was standing over my 4-year-old son who had just entered the gates of Heaven. He was in a wonderful place and I was being displaced from everything in my perfect little world.

 My whole life I tried so hard to be good and do the right things. I believed in God, but I lived most of my life believing He was disappointed in me. The mistakes I had made along my journey were ones that kept me at a distance from God. My belief system was, "Keep trying to be perfect, and make things look perfect" and someday HE might allow me back in. That was a lie I was believing and living from most of my life. When my 4 year old son Jack died, December 23,2004, I came face to face with a reality of this world that pushed me to seek another world. I wanted to see Jack again and Jesus offered me a better choice. When the choice was offered it was in the midst of my messy less than perfect life. I had been keeping Jesus at a distance so I could get things right and all He ever wanted was for me to see how much He loved me.

Life is found in the way we see. At the beginning of my journey all I could see was my mistakes and heartaches. I walked around for a while in a fog of pain desperately hoping for it to lift. After trying to fix things on my own I began to look for help. God answered my prayers with people. He began placing people in my life that helped me see Jesus in a different way. Over time and with their help, I developed my own personal relationship with Jesus. He has healed my broken heart by transforming the way I see and think about Him. The only way you will find true healing is by knowing Him as loving Father. When you know He loves you and He is for you then you can think and see His way. His thoughts begin to heal our hearts to change the way we feel so we can live again with hope.

   If you are experiencing hopeless in an area of your life, it is because you’re believing a lie. There is hope in every circumstance. Jesus offers us hope in all things. He is the one wild card you keep in your deck that can trump all the hopeless circumstances of this world. If we invite Him in He can make the impossible, possible. He only asks us to call upon Him and invite Him into the impossible circumstances. We are not required to figure things out or clean up our messy lives, that is His job. He is God, and we are human. It's just that simple. He knows our limitations and our humanness. He created us. He wants us to understand our role as humans. We need Him for every step we take to guide us and grow us along the way.

 Which brings me back to the "pearl of great price” that I would like to share with you from my story. This truth given to me by Jesus has given me the will to live again. It gave me the freedom to fail and learn from my mistakes. It took away the fear to ask for help. It introduced to me a Father who wanted to help me and rewrite my story to be one of great hope. I don't have to be perfect to be part of His family. He loves me just as I am, right where I'm at along my journey.

 Did you know that one of the biblical meanings for perfect is "to mature". Our worldly definition of perfect sets us up for failure. Perfect celebrates perfection. Perfection demands that we own and master things that God only called us to manage. The lie we must see is this, masters don’t need help. They should know how to do everything on their own and RIGHT the first time they do it. This kind of belief system built with in me a prideful independent woman who was afraid to ever ask for help.

Being perfect is not what God expects from us. He called us to discipleship. To follow Him and learn from Him. We are managers of what is given to us by Him. He is the owner and we learn from Him how to be the manager. Managers need instruction and direction and this way of thinking takes away the pressure of ownership. He expects us to see ourselves as He sees us, a human who is frail and weak in his or her own strength and understanding. He wants to be God for us. He wants to show us the way through our circumstances that help us overcome the enemy’s intentions for our harm. He wants us to see that "perfect" to Him is when we choose to turn to Him first. I think it makes Him most proud of you when you’re not afraid to turn to Him in the midst of your less than perfect mess. It's in that very moment that He reaches down from heaven and pulls you close to His heart and loves on you until you have the courage to live again.

 He is love. He loves us and His heart for us is restoration. He wants to restore us not to be the same, but better than we were before we broke. If we have experienced loss, His promise is to restore what has been lost. I am someone who has experienced loss. I am also someone who felt like a prisoner who hoped for a long time to feel better. I can testify today that hope is now a reality. He restored me, not as I was before but so much better than I could have ever imagined or done on my own. I am and always will be a prisoner of hope. The community God gave me has been my stronghold, a place of safety to heal and grow. Within this community I was encouraged to see God's Kingdom and economy in a whole new way. In His Kingdom we learn how to fight the unseen world around us. We embrace our weakness so Jesus can be the strongest in us and through us. We know that the people who feel like the last in this world will be first in His world. We know that resurrection life is always birthed out of the short-lived death of this world.

There are many stories in the bible that show us God's heart for restoration. Abraham and Sarah, Joseph, Moses, Joshua & Jesus are just a few to dig into. Remember, God can not tell a lie so lean on His faithfulness until you see your own restoration. Hope is not wishing for good, hope is knowing good is coming. So we plant the seeds of hope given to us by other's testimony. We water them daily with prayer, holding on to faith and love until we can share our own story of resurrection and restoration.

"Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope;

Today I declare that I will restore to you double."

Zechariah 9:12

 So, hold on you prisoner of hope. Return to the safe place of Godly community and wait patiently for the double portion of restoration that your Loving Father in Heaven is preparing for you now:) I promise, it's going to be good:)

Below is a written piece I contributed to a book entitled

"The Reason We Speak" - by Marybeth Whalen

It shares more about the beginning of my family’s story and how God was always with us.

Click on the page below and it will scroll down for you to read.

Hello from the other side

2015-12-01T15:30:00.001-05:00

Who do you call in the middle of the struggle?

"Hello"

- Adele

I have been captivated by this song since it came out. There is something about Adele and the way she sings from her heart that touches me. I think it's the pain I hear coming from her broken heart that touches mine. The pain that pierces through this song is haunting.. and the haunting reminded me of a great truth I've learned. And that truth has set me free.

Jesus therefore said to those Jews that had believed him, If ye abide in my word, then are ye truly my disciples;and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. - John 8:31-32 ASV

Ok, I never thought I would use this song to illustrate a truth on my blog. I really thought I would just continue to secretly sing this song karaoke style from the safety and comfort of my companion-less car. What is even more unexpected is that my revelation of such a truth from this song comes today, the first week of Advent. A week that begs us to slow down and remember what was given to us over 2000 years ago. It was gift that shifted the whole universe towards hope.

Hope is hard to find sometimes if you don't know where to look or "who to call". After loosing Jack, I felt pretty hopeless. I kind of felt like the character that Adele portrays in her song above. In the video it shows a girl who goes back to a place of pain to remember. She wants to reconnect with a person from her past. Someone she loved. Someone she hurt. She calls because she wants to say she's sorry for breaking their heart but the other person never answers the phone. She comes to the conclusion that the other person is no longer being torn apart by the pain she caused. The other person has moved on.. and she is stuck in the past.

In my situation, Jack had moved on. He moved to a place where I couldn't see him or talk to him. He moved to a place that gave him the ultimate healing. A place where he could see me from perfect love. A place where he wasn't mad at me or angry for the mistakes I had made with him while he was here those short 4 years. Me, I was left with a death, grief, and a broken heart leaking with regrets. When someone you love leaves this earth you think of all the times you messed up. What you could have done differently. How you could have been a better person to them. Your broken heart wants to tell them your sorry for all the pain you caused...and also to tell them how very much you loved them.

and here.. in this place we can get stuck.

Why? Is it because we believe that time heals? Time passes and it's what you choose to do with that time that heals.. if it only passes ... you will find that the pain is still as fresh as the day it was given to you. Time without intentional healing with Jesus will only leave you with a bitter heart.

At the beginning of my journey I met many people who chose to let time pass. 20 years later they were bitter. I didn't know much about grief and Jesus at the time, but I knew I didn't want to be bitter. I also knew that the worlds solution for my pain didn't have a suitable outcome. I wanted to see Jack again and the only One with the answer I wanted was Jesus. I began to seek Him and He began to place people in my life who helped me grow my relationship with Him. They showed me how to turn to Him first in my pain. The healing is found when you "call upon" the right person. I used to call upon Jack.. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was... The problem with that was Jack didn't see our relationship from my view point any more. He was healed of that, he now has Jesus' sight. He now See's me in a way that holds no judgment. His view point is perfect unconditional love. And over time, Jesus helped me see Jack in a new way which gave my heart the forgiveness it needed to heal. When I think of Jack today, I see him happy and healthy. I see him living an abundant life expectantly waiting for another hug. He is happy.. and that makes me happy. It took a long time for that truth to take root and grow in my heart... but I am a living testimony to that truth and to the healing it gave me by simply believing.

Intentional healing is simply turning to Jesus first.. that's all. Turning to him in your pain allows Him to grow beauty out of your ashes.

Think of it this way.. In Gods economy the last shall be first and life always comes after death. The power that lives within you has the power to raise the dead parts of your heart back to life. Just like Jesus did right before our eyes. When we witness death it will always hurt, but Jesus gave us a gift that now gives us hope. Call out to Him when you find yourself going back to the wounds of the past. When we seek healing and payment from anyone other than Jesus we stay wounded and broke. Jesus is the only one who can ever give you the words you need to hear that will fully heal your broken heart.

Try giving Him a call the next time you find yourself going back to the painful memories of the past.. I promise He will be there to answer the phone..
and the "hello" from the other side will give the hope needed to live again

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!"

- Romans 8:15-17

Let's expect to be transformed by hope this Christmas Season! If your experiencing a hard time now, know that the good times are coming!

"What can I Do?"

2015-05-27T11:34:00.002-04:00

"Little Boy" is a movie that tells the story of a 7-year old boy that is willing to do whatever it takes to bring his dad home from World War II alive.

First of all, I just love this little boy! He is so full of life and love for his father. The two of them have the perfect relationship. It is one that is filled with epic daily adventures that produce an inseparable bond of love. The movie takes us on a journey that shows the many seasons of life. Some are filled with smiles and laughter while others are filled with heartbreak and tears. In this movie, a painful season of the ‘promised suffering’barges in uninvited and unwelcomed—the little boy’s dad is called to war and taken far away home. The heartbreak and tears provoke the little boy's heart to ask some really hard questions. The first one is the hardest one to of all … What can I do?

I chose this movie trailer because it highlights a lesson I’m learning this season. The lesson is filled with many questions. How does God see me and what am I to do?This is a familiar question that is once again going after my need to perform and to be self-sufficient. I like to please others. I usually do this by doing the things ‘they’think I should do. This process begins with picking up responsibility that isn't mine, butbegs for me to come up with a plan and solution. I was made aware of this pattern earlier this year when I was faced with a problem I couldn't solve. The fruit that came from trying to figure it out was anxiety and weariness. I was exhausted with not being able to figure it out! I remember asking, “Jesus, what can I do?” The same question came to mind after watching this movie clip. What in the world could this seven-year-oldboy do to bring his father back home from World War II? He's just a little boy—a child with no resources.

Well, not from God's point of view. He has inside of him a resource that is more powerful than anything here on earth. He doesn't know it yet, but God is about to show him a power hidden deep within his heart. The power comes from his will to believe. He's only required to say "yes" to the one looking for His chosen one. You see the boy doesn't try to be God. He doesn't try to figure things out or take up responsibly that isn't his. He is asked one question, "Do you believe?" and his response opens the door for God to work. God just wants him to be willing to believe. When He says yes, God shows up in His full power and starts to move the mountains of unbelief.

Recently, God began showing me that I was missing out on some much-needed grace. I wasn't aware of it but I was doing a lot of things on my own. He shined some light on my faulty belief system. The belief was "I'm sure I know how God's going to handle this because I've seen Him do this before." I won't bother Him. I'll just get the job done. This mindset was wearing me down and overloading my calendar. I remember one night feeling so overwhelmed by the heavy yoke I had around my neck. I cried out to God and said, “I can't do this anymore!” I remember hearing very clearly, "Julie, I never asked to you to do my job." He began to show me that my job was to be human and to do human things, which would actually let Him be God and do God things. I was neglecting the small human things He was asking me to do because they didn't seem important—or to be God like things. He showed me that doing the small human things actually opens the door so He can do the big God things. He didn’t want me to come up with a plan to figure everything out. He just wanted me to come to Him with every circumstance, no matter how small,and give it Him. He wanted me to come as a student in every circumstance with a teachable heart. His truth revealed my deepest fear, "I didn't have all the answers." This fear has driven me most of my life. It has treated me like a slave, whipping me until the job was done. It has kept me from many adventures because I was afraid of looking stupid. God only wants me to ask for help and believe in Him for the plan and outcome. He keeps telling me, “Julie, you be human and do human-like things so I can be your Savior and do God-like things.” This new way of thinking exposed a question that I was always asking myself… What can I do?

I would compare myself to others who seemed more equipped to do the job. The inadequacy I felt drove me straight to ‘figure it out mode.’ Fear would fill me and take my focus off the One who was more than capable of equipping me. I never thought about asking Jesus what He was asking me to do. Now, I see that He only wants me to offer my willingness to believe… To say "yes" and trust that He will provide the plan and the outcome. I needed to begin to believe Him for more than my salvation at the end of my story. Believing that Jesus is victorious in the end is good but I needed to start believing Him to be victorious in midst of my story.

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I know this may sound strange but it's not because He raise Lazarus from the dead. I've often thought, “Poor Lazarus had to come back to earth from Heaven!” What I like most about the story is how Jesus saved His most powerful miracle for His close friends, Martha and Mary. When Martha met with Jesus she expressed her belief in seeing her brother again in heaven. She believed this because this is all she knew to believe in up to this point.

"Martha said, ‘Master, if you’d been here,my brother wouldn’t have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you.’

Jesus said, ‘Your brother will be raised up.’

Martha replied, ‘I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time.’

Jesus said, ‘You don’t have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?’” (John 11:21-26).

Do you see Him ask Martha the question that is about to give her a new understanding of who He can be for her NOW in the midst of her story? He is inviting her to a deeper faith by asking her one question, "Do you believe?" I'm sure she struggled because her plan didn't line up with His plan. He saidthat her brother would rise again. She agreed, believing it would be at the end of her story. Then He asks Martha to believe Him for His plan and His outcome. Her reply...

“Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah,

the Son of God who comes into the world”(John 11:27).

She says "yes" and this is how He responds...

Jesus looked her in the eye.

“Didn’t I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”(John 11:40).

Her "yes" positioned her to see God's glory at one of its finest moments! He blew her mind when she expressed her willingness to let go of her plans and say "yes" to His.

Again, I'm blown away with what He has given me to share with you. I just love Jesus! I love His heart for us and how He wants to take the pressure off of us. He wants us to give Him the heavy things so we can sit back to see His amazing glory!

Hollow to Whole

Begin Again

This Week, God Met Me in a Mumford & Sons Song — “Malibu”

Still Learning to Trust Beneath His Wings

“In all my doubt… in all my weakness… can You lead?”

“I fall behind… but like You promise, You wait for me.”

“And I feel a spirit move in me again…”

“I don't know how it took so long to shed this skin… live under the shadow of Your wings.”

“I'm still afraid…”

“Walking through the valley was what brought me here.”

“You are all I want… You're all I need.”

What the Creek Taught Me About Trust

What the creek taught me...

Betrayal and Boundary Crossers

LOVE SWEEPS LOW

When the cup doesn't pass

FINDING PROMISE IN THE PROBLEM

FINDING PROMISE IN THE PROBLEM

RECKLESS LOVE

Finding Breakthrough In My Brokenness

Believe. He Is Working It Out.

God’s Love in Christ Jesus

The Unexpected Ending- He is Faithful

23 - Wilderness to Wonder

She Judged Him Faithful

What do you believe and why? - Trey Gowdy

Waiting For My Job 42

Climbing Everest

Weary one, grab hold of My hand.

I will trust here in the mystery

My Story Of Hope

Hello from the other side

Who do you call in the middle of the struggle?

Jesus therefore said to those Jews that had believed him, If ye abide in my word, then are ye truly my disciples;and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. - John 8:31-32 ASV

and here.. in this place we can get stuck.

Intentional healing is simply turning to Jesus first.. that's all. Turning to him in your pain allows Him to grow beauty out of your ashes.

Try giving Him a call the next time you find yourself going back to the painful memories of the past.. I promise He will be there to answer the phone..and the "hello" from the other side will give the hope needed to live again

Let's expect to be transformed by hope this Christmas Season! If your experiencing a hard time now, know that the good times are coming!

"What can I Do?"

Try giving Him a call the next time you find yourself going back to the painful memories of the past.. I promise He will be there to answer the phone..
and the "hello" from the other side will give the hope needed to live again