Sure he was cute in Austin Powers, but I don’t want to see him shagging anybody, baby. So instead I began to think about the many other people I’d rather watch a sex tape of.

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example - that would be ridiculously hot, no doubt. Victoria and David Beckham would probably be steamy, too. I bet Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson look pretty good naked together. I’d even consider watching Madonna and Guy Ritchie do it beach-style like in that shitty movie they did together (no, the other one).

But it seems we never get to watch those kinds of people having sex. In the name of decency, here are some other high-profile couples who should never make a sex tape. Feel free to send in your own Please-Stay-Clothed power couples.

7. John and Cindy McCain

Shudder. Anything is possible with the power of Viagra, and we all know how Cindy likes to dope it up. The highlight of this sex tape would be McCain’s mid-fellatio Vietnam flashback, and that ain’t saying much.

6. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden

That’s the one she’s dating, right? Either way, I’ve seen more than enough of her and he’s just downright ugly. I’d rather watch the guy in the background hump Benji’s hat.

5. Bert and Ernie

Although it would resolve one of the longest standing rumors in TV history, this gay puppet skin flick would scar way too many children to be worthwhile. Of course, Sesame Street has been known for its liberal views on muppet relations…

4. Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell

They’re both classically beautiful humans, but also undeniably B-O-R-I-N-G. Get ready for Seven Minutes in Missionary Heaven! Even the idea of a sex tape is probably too exciting for these vanilla lovers.

3. Condi Rice and Karl Rove (via webcam)

We know, we know - who would want to bang either one of these two? Turns out, nobody! However, when Condi busts out her Washington Monument-style pleasure rod and dials up Rove for some “Shock and Awe,” it’s America that once again loses.

2. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil

This disturbing tape would involve lots of needles and feature plenty of “Wait, wait, it’s almost up!” proclamations from drug-addled Blake. It all ends with a trip to the ER and quickly becomes the most effective piece of anti-drug propaganda ever.

1. Tom Cruise and Xenu

Why not a Tom and Katie sex video, you ask? She signed a billion year contract and married one of the most brainwashed people on Earth, silly. Suri’s mom is way too busy clearing out those damn Body Thetans to get down with Tom these days, so he turns to his reliable Scientology alien overlord for satisfaction. Massive production value, professional lighting, high-definition video, pyrotechnics, John Woo directing and a nimble Guatemalan boy in a realistic rubber suit makes theirs the costliest sex tape in history. Which is why you only get to see it after reaching the Bat Shit Insane level of Scientology. Of course, that’s just a rumor…

Xenu calls Action!

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.

Recent soil samples from Mars reveals a rich chemistry very similar to the dirt in your own backyard. Scientists even went so far as to say asparagus would grow especially well on the Red Planet. Now, one of the fun things about the future that we will probably miss out on is getting to re-name all the Earth stuff for Mars. Like humans do. England becomes New England, lorries become trucks and on and on. So I’d like to challenge all of you to think of a modern product/produce/utility/animal and re-name it for Mars.

For example: Since asparagus will be so common, that will definitely need a new name. Let’s brainstorm - sorry epileptics - Mars: The land of Asparagus. Asmarsagus. Marsparagus. Asparamarsgus…

Leave a comment below with your own Martian re-branding!

To help bring the point home (specifically Santa’s home), Hollywood Riot sent a remote unit up to the North Pole to see how the big guy was coping with the changes. Here’s the footage we got back, uncensored:

Chilling. Well, we wish it were more chilling… in fact, freezing… but that’s not the case, is it? The North Pole has melted.

And Santa Claus is dead.

“An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.”

No word on what happened to that “friend,” but we’re glad to report Jessica has been rescued - thanks to a little bit of Yankee ingenuity. After losing herself in bad weather, she fell off a cliff and (stop laughing) dislocated her shoulder. Luckily, there was a supply box nearby with plenty of water, and some kind of mechanical lift system within reach. Confident that five helicopters and 80 emergency workers would be out looking for her - the daring marathon participant from America - she laid low and drank that kick ass supply box water for the next 70 hours. At some point between hour zero and hour seventy, she got proactive and whipped off her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and tossed it around the mechanical lift system (which was broken). Thankfully, she was hiking in Germany - where mechanical things don’t stay broken for long. As soon as it got moving, Jessica’s bra made its way down the mountain towards parts unknown. Some lowly woodsman (who doesn’t even deserve to be named in the CNN article) finds the bra and informs his superior that “Sumpin’ awry up them hills” - except, of course, he says this in German. Within minutes, the entire Alpine Rescue Team is fired. In their stead, a group of locals drags the girl out of that icy grave alive and well. Police Officer Rasp was first to stick his face in front of a microphone:

“She did so well because she is in very good shape,” Officer Rasp said. “She has been training for a marathon — her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes.”

Bruinsma told Officer Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

Thanks to her underwear, Jessica’s dream of running long distances for no reason remains intact. For this fact alone, we feel she would make a perfect Victoria’s Secret spokesperson. She can sure use the support.

And what about her heroic brassiere? Well, let’s just say those ingenious Germans have paid notice…