Hollywood Zombie Report

Katie Holmes Signs with Cosmetics Company, Introduces New Line of ‘Mystique’ Makeup for Housewives on the Run

2012-09-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

New York, New York –

Using everyday household chemical compounds from her bathroom to all-natural organic ingredients from her kitchen, Katie Holmes perfected the art of camouflage during her years of blissful union with her now ex-husband, Tom Cruise. Now she shares her secrets with every woman that feels…or is…trapped in a relationship she just cannot seem to escape.

“I tried playing dead once,” said Katie Holmes, as she rolled out her new all-camouflage cosmetic line at a press conference. “But I guess that only works on bears.”

So instead she created a new line of cosmetics for the woman that just does not have the time to gather up the raw ingredients and manufacture herself a new identity in her kitchen. One that would make any industrialist or weapon systems design specialist green with envy.

Putting on a pair of gag plastic eyeglasses with eyebrows, nose and mustache attached, Katie Holmes turned to the pool of reporters.

“Believe it or not this was my first attempt at disguising myself,” said Katie Holmes. “And guess what? It almost worked too.”

Katie Holmes then recalled how she managed to slip pass the house security guards, through a cluster of machinegun nests and making all the way to the electrified fence almost beyond the perimeter to the outer world. Before she was tracked down by guard dogs and stopped by a freshly planted minefield.

Sadly for Katie Holmes, each attempt thereafter yielded far less successful results as the first.

“It was like they could read my mind,” said Katie Holmes.

Suddenly Katie Holmes stood up from her chair and walked over to a closed door in the conference room.

“Do you mind, people?” yelled Katie Holmes to crowd। “Can we keep this open at all times during this interview? Huh, can we?”

Katie Holmes paused a moment at the doorway, looking as if she was going to walk through it. Only her agent called out her name, stopping her.

After a few moments, Katie Holmes seemed to gather her composure and returned to the stage, continuing with her press conference.

“Katie Holmes was captured or ‘reacquired’ hundreds of times,” later explained Katie Holmes’ agent. “Then she was sent to the ‘viewing room’ for ‘reconditioning’”.

That is when it struck her one day, while watching her husband’s Mission Impossible movies in the viewing room, undergoing another reconditioning treatment session.

There, while sitting in the viewing room the darkness broken only by the flickering artificial light reflected from the movie screen, Katie Holmes’ fingers stumbled upon an X-Men movie script.

“Which I was offered the role of the character Mystique,” said Katie Holmes.

Apparently, Tom Cruse rejected the role for his wife without ever informing her of the offer.

“That’s when the idea came to me like a vision in an involuntary drug induced dream,” said Katie Holmes. “I didn’t just have to disguise my face. But my whole body."

Just like the Mystique character in X-Men.

Using only expired household chemical cleaning products and rotting organic matter, Katie Holmes concocted a strange brew of a pliable beauty cream that renders the wearer virtually invisible.

Initially calling her invention vanishing cream, Katie Holmes later changed it to the Mystique’s Invincible Stealth Suit (M.I.S.S.) in honor of its name sake.

“The pleasant mild blueberry and lime fragrance throws off your scent to guard dogs too,” said Katie Holmes.

Once outside the Kennedy-like compound, Katie Holmes and her daughter rendezvoused with the Soccer Mom underground, carted away to safety.

“M.I.S.S. worked so well, we were almost run down,” said Katie Holmes. “You see, I forgot we were still wearing them.”

If not for the two long shadows their bodies cast on the dark dusty roadside, caught in the high beams of the Soccer Mom van, Katie Holmes’ story could have very well ended tragically, instead of a commercial success.

“And they’re so form fitting and slimming, they probably wouldn’t have discovered our bodies for days,” added Katie Holmes.

Currently, M.I.S.S. is under review by the Pentagon for possible military applications.

M.I.S.S. also comes in plus sizes for the full figured woman and is available in like-minded emancipated kid sizes too.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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An Obama Green Joke

2012-08-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

Q: How many President Obama terms in office does it take to screw-in an energy-saving incandescent light bulb?

A: Two, apparently.

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Mitt Romney Denies Giving Israel ‘Green Light’ to Bomb Iran Joke #1

2012-07-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

For the record, Mitt Romney didn’t give Israel the green light to bomb Iran. He merely "outsourced" U.S. foreign policy decision making to them that's all.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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The Missing Amelia Earhart ‘Don’t Stop to Ask for Directions’ Theory

2012-07-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

Hawaii, Honolulu –

On the 75th anniversary of the ill-fated lost flight of Amelia Earhart, an aviator expert theorizes the aviatrix’s plane crashed when it lost too much airspeed while flying over the Howland Island in the Central Pacific.

It is the latest theory in a long line of others that hopes to explain just what happened to the missing Lockheed Electra 10 E, the world famous female aviator and her copilot and sole male companion, Fred Noonan.

‘The Don’t Stop to Ask for Directions Theory’

Ignoring her male companion’s advice that they should just keep going when it was evident that they were lost somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, the aviatrix who was at the controls at the time opted to slow down the plane instead. So she could ask if they were going the right way.

“She must’ve thought she could’ve safely slowed it down. Just enough to allow her to roll down her window, stick out her head and ask some natives on a nearby island for directions,” said Samuel Hammerhand, a retired Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) investigator, who came up with the new controversial theory.

“They were definitely arguing about stopping to ask for directions,” continued Hammerhand, using a new digital algorithm to analyze the garbled 3105 kHz radio frequency transmission recordings from the plane’s cockpit.

By then, Amelia and Fred were low on fuel and had lost all discernable radio communications with all naval ships and bases in the Howland Island vicinity and were flying by the seat of their pants.

Amelia, acting like a typical female, preferred to pull over and ask for directions, according to Hammerhand. While Fred, acting like a typical male preferred to continue the course they were flying.

In an interview Hammerhand conducted with the descendents of those natives on the beach that day, stories handed down by mouth by their tribal elders speak of a white goddess with short golden hair and stout shoes flying in the sky, speaking in a strange tongue to them.

One of the elders, a minor at the time and whom Catholic missionaries educated, spoke in English to Amelia Earhart, as she buzzed her airplane along the shoreline at palm tree height.

“The native boy told Amelia Earhart that she was headed in the right direction,” said Hammerhand.

The native boy also reported hearing raised voices coming from within the plane.

“Moments later it began to wobble and fell out of the sky,” said Hammerhand.

According to the position of the plane wreckage on the shoreline in the black and white photographs taken years later by a passing frigate and the testimonial of the tribal elders, it is clear to Hammerhand that Amelia Earhart lost airspeed and as a result, crash-landed her plane.

Surviving the crash landing, it is believed Amelia Earhart must have lived out the remaining years of her life on the deserted island paradise of Gardner Island in a living hell. Arguing with her male companion, Fred Noonan, whether or not she should have pulled over to ask for directions.

“As in most cases when either driving a car across town, or piloting a Lockheed Electra 10 E in a world record flight around the globe, asking for directions is not only a waste of time,” said Hammerhand. “In this case, it was a waste of lives too.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Justin Bieber’s YouTube Look-Alike, Scapegoat for Teen Heartthrob’s Legal Woes?

2012-07-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

Melbourne, Australia –

Video of the teen heartthrob look-alike has been posted on YouTube by Justin Bieber’s manager to serve as a warning to unsuspecting fans of the presence of the imposter.

In that YouTube video, "Justin Bieber" walks over to a high-rise hotel window where the real Justin Bieber is registered and waves to the throng of female fans below, sending them into a frenzy. Moreover, it is believed that this is not the first time the Bieber imposter has struck.

“The imposter was the one that was stopped for speeding on the 101 freeway in Los Angeles last month,” said Justin Bieber’s manager. “Not Justin Bieber.”

Apparently, when the imposter was pulled over by the police, he fooled them and everybody else into believing that he was the genuine article as well.

According to the Bieber camp, the imposter is also the one responsible for an assault on a member of the fourth estate, which just occurred last month.

“The imposter attacked a paparazzo the month before last, too,” said Justin Bieber’s manager. “All for taking a picture of him with Selena Gomez, can you believe that?”

“If that’s true,” said the police. “Then all charges against Justin Bieber for the alleged assault against the paparazzo will be dropped, and the ticket for the moving violation expunged from the record -- No wait. We tore up that ticket.”

“You know,” added Justin Bieber’s manager. “Come to think of it. The imposter could explain the reason for that paternity suit filed against Justin Bieber a while back.”

In addition to the YouTube video, Justin Bieber’s manager also released a prepared statement to the press.

“Don’t waste your time waving to the imposter,” read in part the Justin Bieber statement. “Ask him for his autograph. Taking pictures of him. Or bother stealing his pillowcases or stalking him. And especially, don’t buy any of his CDs.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #1

2012-07-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused global warming.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #2

2012-07-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused climate change.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #3

2012-07-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused extreme weather.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris Politically Incorrect Fart Joke #4

2012-07-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

One evening, after dinner, Chuck Norris farted so much he caused __.

A) Global Warming.

B) Climate Change.

C) Extreme Weather.

D) [Insert YOUR Politically Incorrect Catastrophic Planetary Consequence Here]:______________.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

The ‘Chuck Norris Particle’ Vs. the ‘God Particle’ Joke #2

2012-07-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Once while walking the time continuum line, Chuck Norris came across the ‘God Particle’ who was little more than a juvenile delinquent. Taking matters in his own hands, Chuck Norris took immediate corrective measures by kicking the Sunday school dropout’s ass into *Mass.

*A celebration of the Eucharist (Sunday Masses held at three different hours).

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

U.S. Olympic Team’s Western Uniforms Stitched with Cloaking Optic Fibers – American Athletes Actually Wearing Traditional Chinese Clothing!

2012-07-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

London, England --

It is not only that the U.S. Olympic team’s uniforms bear the label ‘Made in China’ instead of ‘Made in America’ that has Republicans and Democrats upset. But that American Olympians are in fact actually wearing traditional Chinese clothing made to appear Western-looking by way of Chinese cloaking optic fibers sewn into the material.

Although designed by American fashion icon, Ralph Lauren, this year’s American athletic uniforms at the 2012 Olympics have been manufactured in China, which was recently discovered to have used a new stealth technology developed by its military.

“All for the purpose of spreading the propaganda of Chinese supremacy to its citizens,” said a United States Congressman, a Republican who voted for the passage of legislation in favor of the World Trade Organization (WTO) and North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA). “But we’ll show them we’re still number one!”

Sometime during the Olympic broadcast a switch will be thrown, activating the Chinese cloaking optic fibers.

Billions of Chinese watching the international sporting event back home on their TV sets will see the U.S. Olympic team dressed not in Ralph Lauren, but in traditional Chinese clothing, spanning all three centuries of the Ming Dynasty.

Meanwhile, back in the U.S.A., Americans, although watching the very same TV coverage will be receiving a coded broadcast signal. Which will activate the cloaking optic fibers sewn into the U.S. Olympic team uniforms, making them appear Western.

“You tell me America,” said a Congresswoman, a Democrat who also voted in favor of free trade legislation. “Do you want our American athletes to have to answer when asked: ‘Excuse me, are you wearing Ralph Lauren? No, I’m wearing Ming’?”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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U.S. Rushes to Clothe Olympic Team with the ‘Made in America’ Label

2012-07-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

London, England --

Now to the untrained eye, the American Olympic team when they make their appearance at both the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2012 Olympic in London, England, will without a doubt appear to be butt naked.

“Only they really won’t be," said Cecil Jackson, the retired textile foremen subcontracted to make the new uniforms right here in America. "Its just that a little more skin will be visible through their newly ‘Made in American’ uniforms than everybody would have liked.”

The rush to clothe the U.S. Olympic team in uniforms with the ‘Made in America’ label came when it was discovered that Ralph Lauren, the American fashion designer who designed the uniforms had them shipped out to China for manufacturing there, instead of here in America.

So as a matter of national pride, an emergency call was made to the American textile industry to come to the rescue.

However, due to time constraints, and mostly the outsourcing of American’s industrial and manufacturing base, some sacrifices and shortcuts had to be made.

“As a result, the thread count was…Well, a little bare,” said Jackson.

However, it was the only way the entire U.S. Olympic team could be clothed on such short notice.

“Sure they’ll look naked to you and me,” said a spokesman for the U.S. Olympic team. “But at least they’ll be wearing clothes made right here in the old U.S. of A. And when they stand before the world, reaching back to read the clothing label sewn onto their collar, it will proudly say ‘Made in America’.”

“Actually, it will read, ‘Hecho En Mexico’ [Made in Mexico],” said Jackson. “You see, we ran of thread before we could complete the order. So we borrowed a few labels from our neighbors to the South.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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The ‘Chuck Norris Particle’ Vs. the ‘God Particle’ Joke # 1

2012-07-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Upon closer examination of the so-called ‘God Particle’, physicists at the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN) decided to rename the scientific discovery of our time: the ‘Chuck Norris Particle’, after witnessing it kick pure energy’s ass into matter.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Justin Bieber Gives Fake Last Name in 911 Call to Police in High-Speed Paparazzi Freeway Chase

2012-07-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

Hollywood, California –

The 911 call made by Justin Bieber, involving him and the paparazzi, while engaged in an illegal a high-speed chase southbound on the 101 freeway was finally released today, under pressure from the media.

The following is a transcript of that emergency audio recording.

A word of caution, however. Some may find the language here highly objectionable, or at the very least very, very juvenile.

Transcript Starts

911: Please state the nature of your emergency.

JB: Ah, yeah [Pause]...I’m driving on the 101 freeway really, really fast right now. And, um, I’m being followed by a bunch of strange men in cars.

911: Are they armed?

JB: Ah, yeah. They got telescopes and everything.

911: You mean rifle-sighting scopes?

JB: No, no. Telescope lenses. Like on the end of a camera.

911: Do you know who they are?

JB: Yeah, um, I think they’re paparazzi.

911: [Irritated] What’s your name, sir?

JB: Justin.

911: Do you have a last name, Justin?

JB: Yeah [Pause]…

911: [Repeating] Justin, your last name?

JB: [Hesitating]. Young…It’s, Young.

911: [Repeating] Mr. Young?

JB: Yeah, ah, I mean, Young-Dong.

911: [Disbelieving] Mr. Young-Dong? Really?

JB: Yes. It’s a hyphenated last name. You see my mother’s last name was, Young. And my father’s was, Dong. So naturally my last name is, Young-Dong.

911: [Silence]

JB: Hello? Is anybody there?

911: Listen, Justin, if that’s really your first name. I don’t know who you think you are, but making a prank call or providing false information to a 911 operator is a misdemeanor. And is punishable by a substantial fine and/or prison. Now, would you care to give me your real last name?

JB: Okay, okay [Pause]…It’s, Ness.

911: Mr. Ness?

JB: Yes.

911: That’s better. Now is there a middle initial, Mr. Ness?

JB: Yes, P.

911: P?

JB: Yes.

911: Okay now we’re getting somewhere. Now tell me, how can I be of assistance to you today, Mr. P. Ness?

Transcript Ends

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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LHC at CERN Converted into Gallagher’s ‘Sledge-O-Matic’® Watermelon-Smashing Machine

2012-07-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

Paris, France –

American prop comedian Gallagher, best known for his trademarked watermelon-smashing act, has been invited to the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN) to smash melons at an accelerated rate of velocity, many reaching nearly that of the speed of light.

“Now that we’ve found the so-called 'God Particle', we’re pretty much wrapping things up here,” said a CERN physicist. “After all, we never really expected to find it -- I mean find it so soon.”

CERN physicists say they know of no one else on the planet that enjoys smashing things more than they do other than Gallagher and thus the reason why they invited him to their facility.

Ever since CERN physicists found the God particle, however, they have been sitting around, burning through their grant money, running lower priority experiments. Such as using the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to dry their laundry, cracking walnuts and bust open a few piñatas for the kids in the neighborhood.

So physicists thought to themselves, “Why not invite Gallagher to throw a few melons around, except really, really fast?”

Inside the LHC, the watermelons will be accelerated to incredible speeds.

“Gallagher will be inside the LHC too,” said a physicist.

Once the watermelons reach their top speed, Gallagher will be allowed to step into the LHC.

Gallagher will be wearing protective gear, of course. Consisting of a white clean suit, goggles and a giant wooden mallet.

“He will then attempt to smash the oncoming watermelons, which will be whisking by him at nearly the speed of light,” said a physicist.

However some physicists predict that at that speed, Gallagher will no longer be the one doing the smashing.

“He’ll quickly go from a melon smasher to a melon smashee in a microsecond. Transforming from matter into energy right before our very own spectro-monitors,” one physicist cautioned.

Despite the doomsday forecast, however, Gallagher remains confident that he will be able to smash any watermelon at any speed without being converted into pure energy.

“After all his trusty ‘Sledge-O-Matic®’ has never let him down before,” said Gallagher’s publicist.

Meanwhile, inside the LHC, entombed within miles and miles of subterranean tunneling, Gallagher takes up his position with his giant wooden mallet in hand, as a watermelon light-speeds its way toward him.

…To Be Continued.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

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Nobel Peace Prize Changes Amount and Name of Award: Alfred Nobel to Alfred E. Neuman

2012-07-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

Stockholm, Sweden –

Admitting that they are the biggest collection of eggheads on the planet and yet they still managed to mismanage their money, the Nobel Foundation voted today to change the name of their prestigious peace prize award from Alfred Nobel to Alfred E. Neuman.

The peace prize name change comes on the heels of their stunning announcement last month that they would be reducing future cash awards by some twenty percent.

Based on the belief that the name of an institution should reflect what it stands for the vote was unanimous.

“The name change more accurately represents what the award has come to represent in the eyes of the world in recent years,” said a Nobel Foundation member. “How did it come to this?”

Critics say the name change was long over due and should have been made years ago. Pointing to the nomination and awarding of President Obama years earlier, as the beginning of the institution’s decline.

“They started going downhill ever since they gave the peace prize to Obama,” spoke a critic. “I mean what was that all about? When did they start handing out Nobel prizes to people just because they’re not George W. Bush? Look at me. I’m not Bush. Where’s my [BLEEP] Nobel Peace Prize?”

No longer burdened by the hypocrisy, members of the Nobel Foundation expect the peace prize to quickly regain the glory of its former years.

“And if not, at the very least, a free lifetime subscription to Mad Magazine,” said a Nobel Foundation member.

Which, of course, will be passed on to the next Alfred E. Neuman Peace Prizewinner. Along with a villa on the French Riviera to compensate for the reduced prize numeration.

“Actually, that’s just a two week time share one of our members donated,” added the Nobel Foundation member. “And you have to pay for all your own traveling expenses there and back. And food too. But good news, all utilities are paid. Except for the trash, but I hear that’s negotiable.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
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CERN Finds the ‘Godfather’ Particle!!!

2012-07-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Paris, France –

“Actually, I found them,” said the Godfather particle. In a bone chilling sit down interview with physicists at the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (CERN).

As the CERN physicists, still in their white lab coats, gathered around the Godfather particle in a laboratory near the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the elusive piece of subatomic matter and energy spoke freely and candidly with them.

“I heard you boys were looking for me,” said the Godfather particle from behind a dark oak desk wearing a black tuxedo suit, white shirt and black bow tie. Particles W and Z, his enforcers, were standing at his side.

“How did you know?” asked Stephen Hawking, the British theoretical physicist and mathematician by remote link on the World Wide Web.

“I hear things. I hear things,” replied the Godfather particle. “You see, it's not all void in the infinite recesses of inner space.”

“Yes, Godfather particle,” said a CERN physicist, stepping forward from the group of others to address the Godfather particle.

“So, I come here thinking you boys wants a little favor from me,” continued the Godfather particle as particle W leaned over to whisper something inaudible into his ear.

The Godfather particle just nodded and continued to speak to the physicists who now gathered in a tight circle to consult each other and Stephen Hawking.

“Well? I’m I right or am I right?” rhetorically asked the Godfather particle.

The same physicist as before stepped forward encouraged by the other physicists.

“Godfather particle,” nervously began the physicist. “We were wondering – and Stephen Hawking over there on the computer -- if you could answer a few unanswered questions regarding the Universe.”

“Sure. Go right ahead,” said the Godfather particle.

“Well, we were wondering,” the physicist continued. “Did the Universe really begin with a Big Bang?”

Turning to particle W, the Godfather particle said, “Hey, Winny. Did you hear that?”

“What’s that boss,” replied the hired muscle.

“The man in the white lab coat wants to know if the Universe really began with a Big Bang,” said the Godfather particle.

“Oh, yeah,” replied the thug.

“Why don’t you show him, Winny,” said the Godfather particle.

“Sure thing boss,” Winny replied as he pulled out a gun and shot the physicist dead.

“BANG!” said Winny while laughing. “Was that BIG enough for you?”

“Take a good look boys,” said the Godfather particle. “That’s what you get for asking me a stupid question. So I’d be very careful about your next one if I were you.”

The other physicists just looked on shocked. But still none of them made a move or showed any desire to leave the laboratory. None could leave their life’s work behind. None could leave their only chance to have their scientific questions about the Universe answered. Besides, they could not leave if they tried, as the only exit was guarded by particle Z.

“Now, any of you other boys got a better question for me?” asked the Godfather particle.

The physicists quickly consulted with each other again.

“What’s at the end of the Universe?” asked another physicist stepping forward, while nervously looking back at the others.

“A pair of concrete shoes,” quickly replied the Godfather particle.

“A pair of concrete shoes?” repeated the physicist in disbelief.

“Yeah, just for you,” said the Godfather particle. “Take ‘em out of here.”

“Now, any more stupid questions?” asked the Godfather particle.

Slowly another physicist emerged from the group timidly stepping forward to ask another question, as the first physicist was dragged away by particles W and Z.

“Yes, Godfather particle,” said a soft-spoken physicist, wearing a pair of black frame eyeglasses. “I have a question for you. It’s from Stephen Hawking over there on the Internet.”

“Well, what is it?” asked the Godfather particle.

The timid looking physicist then asked for permission to approach the Godfather particle. Due to the physicist’s soft-spookiness, the Godfather particle granted him permission.

“What’s at the bottom of a Black Hole?” barely whispered the physicist into the Godfather particle’s ear.

“What’s at the bottom of a Black Hole?” repeated the Godfather particle as the look of puzzlement on his face quickly changed to a look of surprise and horror as he realized the physicist was really an assassin in disguise. Sent by Stephen Hawking.

“YOU!” answered the soft-spoken physicist, as he removed his black framed eyeglasses, jabbing them into the eyeball socket of the Godfather particle.

“The Godfather particle is dead! The Godfather particle is dead!” said Stephen Hawking over the remote link. “Oh good. Now I don’t have to pay that $100 dollar bet I made.”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:

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L.A. Kings Stanley Cup Winners Joke

2012-06-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the L.A. Kings not only for winning the Stanley Cup, but also for respecting their fans by keeping their victory parade under 55 miles an hour (unlike the L.A. Lakers). And Keeping the violence on the ice and out of the stands (unlike the L.A. Dodgers).

House TV Show Politically Incorrect Alternate Ending #1

2012-06-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

House TV Show Politically Incorrect Alternate Ending #2

2012-06-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

House TV Show Politically Incorrect Alternate Ending #3

2012-06-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Instead of the Vicodin dependant Dr. House successfully faking his own death so he can escape his parole officer, running away with his friend who is stricken with inoperable terminal cancer and riding off on a motorcycle into the sunset with him…

In the politically incorrect alternative ending, Dr. House lies in a hospital bed in a semi-comatose state. Suddenly, during one of his more lucid moments, he reaches to grab his medical chart, making his final diagnosis. Drawing his last breath, he writes it down and dies.

Teary-eyed coworkers gather round in a circle bedside to read what Dr. House wrote.

A coworker (holding the medical chart in hand) reads aloud: “He wrote, ‘My Final Diagnosis: Possible Drug Overdose. But I'm not completely sure. I need your help."

“Wow,” said a coworker. “I’m so ashamed. I thought he had such an ego that he wouldn’t confess he needed us ever. Not even on his deathbed. Playing us like a bunch of fools up to the very end and beyond from the undiscovered country.”

Just then a prescription slip from the medical chart gently glides to the floor like a feather falling from the wing of the Angel of Mercy.

“What is it?” asks a coworker.

“It’s a prescription,” replies the coworker who picks it up and begins to walk toward the exit.

“What’s it for?” asks another coworker.

“Vicodin,” says the coworker continuing to walk to the exit.

“Where are you going?” asks yet another coworker.

“To get it filled, of course,” replies the coworker almost out the door.

“But he’s dead,” one coworker protests.

“Yeah,” says the coworker, pausing before finally exiting. “But House would’ve wanted it this way.”

All the coworkers nod their heads in agreement.

“We’ll prepare an IV for him while you’re gone,” the coworkers say collectively.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Lady Gaga Does Pee Wee Herman’s ‘Tequila’ Wearing Her Dildo High Heels

2012-05-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

Jakarta, Indonesia --

Lady Gaga was visibly upset when customs agents in Indonesia confiscated her famous dildo high heel shoes during a routine airport inspection of her luggage, just moments before boarding her return flight back home to the United States.

However, that was only adding insult to injury as earlier in the day she got the bad news that she personally failed to persuade Indonesian government officials to let her perform in their otherwise conservative Islamic country.

“Lady Gaga was in Indonesia to lobby government officials to lift their ban on her show, allowing her to take to the stage in an unexploited international marketing segment she holds dear to her heart,” said a spokesperson for Lady Gaga.

Usually when a star of her intensity is personally involved in these types of negotiations with local yokels, the opposition quickly backs down, especially with pressure cooker like help from the mainstream media.

In fact, Lady Gaga was winning over the government officials until she declared her act as wholesome as American pie.

“Unfortunately the movie American Pie had been screened by the very same government officials years before and it was ban,” continued Lady Gaga’s spokesperson.

Reportedly, Lady Gaga even treated the government officials and their teenaged children to a private screening of her show at a neutral location, a commercial building in cosmopolitan downtown Jakarta.

“According to plan, Lady Gaga jumped right up onto the mahogany corporate boardroom table and began signing, ‘Born This Way,” said a spokesperson for Lady Gaga.

However, that was after she entered the room stuffed inside the belly of a giant pregnant semi-robotic puppet woman, all laid out ready to give birth.

After the giant robot woman simulated labor, Lady Gaga emerged from the synthetic womb, complete with broken sack of waters, wearing a naked baby costume with umbilical cord still attached.

The adults in the room were shocked, while the teenagers hardly lifted up their heads from their electronic communication devices.

“The kids didn’t even know who they were there to see until Lady Gaga Tweeted them,” said a government spokesman.

Quickly undergoing one of her famous mid-performance costume changes, Lady Gaga reemerged from a swaddling cloth donned a white baby cap, dipper, booties and sucking on a rubber nipple formula-filled milk bottle.

At this time during Lady Gaga’s performance, several of the government officials began to experience the dry heaves.

“That must have been when she began jumping rope. Using the umbilical cord,” said Lady Gaga’s spokesperson.

Once the kids got Lady Gaga’s Tweet, they all got up and began to grove and dance to the beat.

“Although they had trouble finding their footing, slipping and sliding on the afterbirth,” added Lady Gaga’s spokesperson.

Lady Gaga finished her act by tossing the milk bottle aside…

“And while holding out the artificial placenta in front of her, she began eating it,” said Lady Gaga’s spokesperson. “Her face red. Covered in simulated blood – Excuse me…I think I’m gonna be sick.”

While the kids cheered and applauded, all the adults began vomiting wildly.

Back at the airport, Lady Gaga finally got her dildo high heels returned to her.

“But only after agreeing to do her best Pee Wee Herman impersonation for the customs agents,” continued Lady Gaga’s spokesperson in between dry heaves.

After slipping on her high heel dildo shoes, Lady Gaga jumped up on a table and began dancing to ‘Tequila’ by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Bass.

“Maybe if she opened up her act with that to begin with we would’ve lifted the ban,” said a government official.

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Presidential Election 2012 Riddle #2

2012-05-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Presidential Election 2012 Riddle #1

2012-05-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

Blind Chinese Dissident Escapes House Arrest Assisted Only by His White Red-Striped Walking Cane!

2012-04-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

Beijing, China –

Operating under the premise that children, the elderly and the handicapped are an invisible segment of our population in today’s modern society, a blind Chinese dissident escaped house arrest yesterday by recording and then looping the tapping sound he makes while walking with his white red-striped cane.

After making a few passes through his house, the visually impaired dissident then turned on the recording of the tapping noise, playing it for his unsuspecting captors.

As the bodyguards went about their daily routine of reading the newspaper, eating lunch and even engaging in light housekeeping, the blind man walked right out the front door to freedom.

“We’re so accustomed to ignoring the physically challenged,” said a clinical psychologist. “And those other two groups…um, that’s funny. Their names momentarily escape me. Any ways, they might as well be invisible, too.”

Apparently the dissident used his second-class social status of invisibility to his advantage, as he successfully escaped house arrest. Made his way down the driveway, walking right pass the armed guards stationed at their posts at the front gate of his home.

Then, once outside the compound, the blind man safely negotiated a pathway through downtown Beijing during the height of rush hour traffic. Which presented a greater danger to his life then his entire years under the watchful eye of the Chinese government.

Traffic cameras showed several close calls and near misses. However, the dissident persisted and emerged unscathed.

Finally reaching the sanctuary of the American embassy, the blind dissident tapped his way right passed the U.S. Marines guarding the embassy.

“We didn’t even know he was here,” said a spokesman for the U.S. envoy.

Not until the Chinese government informed the U.S. embassy of their missing dissident.

A quick search of the embassy grounds by American personnel initially turned up nothing, however.

“Until we checked our security cameras,” said the U.S. envoy spokesman. “And sure enough, there he was in the lobby. Just sitting there. Tapping away with his cane.”

Later, forensic analysis of the tapping determined the dissident was sending out a desperate plea in Morse Code: “WTF is wrong with you people? I want to defect. Can’t you see that? Are you blind or something? Holy [BLEEP] don’t tell me you’re hearing impaired too?”

Moments before embassy security cameras captured the blind man walking back-and-forth in front of the receptionist’s desk, asking to speak with a high ranking official. But he was completely ignored.

“She looked up from her magazine for a second,” explained the U.S. envoy spokesman. “But she didn’t see anything -- Just some blind guy mumbling to himself as he paced the floor.”

By that time, the dissident had tired. So he found a seat and sat down, waiting for the authorities to notice him by tapping out a message with his white red-striped cane.

Although the fate of the dissident is uncertain at this time, as to whether he will be returned to the Chinese government or remain in the protective custody of the U.S., who can say.

It is brinkmanship on the brink as to who will blink first: The Chinese or the Americans.

One thing is certain, however: Like the political stance he has taken, the blind dissident is no longer invisible.

“On the other hand, we’re in a presidential election year,” said an Obama White House official, asking not to be identified. “So either way, we’re screwed.”

No matter what course of action the Obama administration takes, the unidentified Obama official says he can read tomorrow’s GOP newspaper headlines today:

“’Obama’s Failed Foreign Policy Fails to Protect Free Speech in China!’” said the Obama White House official. “Or worse yet, ‘Obama’s Foreign Policy in China Literally Lead by Blind Man!”

Copyright © 2008-2012 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy:
wpclipart.com