Then Joe Mande tells John who would play Kevin Love, Kevin Garnett, and Ricky Rubio on TV, and the genre of show in which they’d star.  He also mentions this, which you should probably watch this minute.

If you listen closely, you can hear the deep beard envy that facial hair enthusiasts Moe and Fotis have for Harden’s chin blanket.

 (James Harden, relaxing at a football game with a superior beard.)

ALSO MENTIONED:

• Conte, who says he doesn’t care if football takes 10-15 years off his life, may be wrong, but not for the reason you think.
• Sulking Jay Cutler = sulking Dave Krieg.
• Sanneh’s piece on the riveting MMA podcast.
• There are more mumps cases just on the Minnesota Wild than Dr. McCarthy has seen in his entire medical career.
• Why mumps is seemingly limited to professional hockey.
• Dr. McCarthy’s Deadspin article.
• The failed poetry of “Jim Harbaugh,” plus his use of dogs as intermediaries to communicate with Colin Kaepernick and the rest of the 49ers (60/40 feral to domesticated), and practice facility barrel fires.
• The role of Harbaugh is played by actor Hal Lublin.

ALSO MENTIONED:

• An appreciation of the Phoenix Suns and the lesser Dragic.
• The correct pronunciation of Dynamo Moscow.
• Making recovering alcoholics serve beer for no pay and no tips.
• 153rd-ranked professional bowler Mason Brantley.

Later, Christina Kahrl of Baseball Prospectus checks in with an update on baseball free agency, covering Jon Lester, Pablo Sandoval, Giancarlo Stanton, and, um, Richie Sexson.  (Yes, we realize that Christina appears to be calling in from a haunted house.)

All this, plus an update from the Norwegian Men’s Professional Basketball League, on this edition of Home Dunk.

John also celebrates Quarterback Thanksgiving at your house, where all the QBs are recognizable family archetypes.

• Kobe Bryant as Orson Welles in Touch of Evil.
• Their not-at-all hidden glee over Bryant’s Lakers getting steamrolled by the Golden State Warriors.
• Guys who say basketball is “just a game” NEVER think it’s just a game.  (I can confirm this.)
• With the Sonics now the Oklahoma City Thunder, the authors’ reversion to “hate fandom” and their tentative outreach to the Portland Trail Blazers.
• Basketball as the sport of American poverty.
• The wonders of reservation hoops.  (The poem referenced is here.)
• Why people are finally paying attention to offensive mascot names.
• The genesis of Sherman and Jess Walter’s A Tiny Sense Of Accomplishment podcast.

John also talks about power, in the person of new executive director of the NBA Players’ Association and all-around badass Michele Roberts and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and reads Rejected Super Bowl Halftime Show Proposals from his book, Dear Luke, We Need to Talk. Darth.

ALSO MENTIONED:

• Mr. Sub’s sub sauce
• The heat of a San Antonio summer
• “Do you know anyone who hikes for a living?”
• “Shooty-downy things.”
• “Strong calves.”

Musician and St. Louis native Bhi Bhiman talks with John Moe about his beloved Cardinals and what, exactly, a “guttersnipe” is.  Plus, more on the Adrian Peterson situation, and The Coach checks in with an update on his mouse point guard.

ALSO MENTIONED:

• A John Malkovich quote that rings much truer to John now that he has kids.
• Rehabbing Adrian Peterson vs. banning him for life vs. letting him play next Sunday.

BHI BHIMAN FAST FACTS:

• Was a youth baseball opponent of David Freese.
• Can drop a perfectly timed reference to Dauber from Coach.
• Is a Golden State Warriors superfan, video evidence below.

THE RETURN OF THE COACH:

• He’s back because of “the crippling depression that Daylight Saving Time brings.”
• His mouse point guard is terrified of ghosts.
• “Mice need order.”
• The problem with having a performance artist as your small forward?  “You can’t block out with cadence.”

Fellow beard enthusiast John Moe talks to Sean about things that aren’t beards, too, like recovering from a brutal loss to Kansas City in the 2014 American League wild card game and how he handles the pressure of relief pitching.

John also ponders the case of the traded-again Percy Harvin, who has garnered a reputation as being kind of an asshole.  Appropriately, he welcomes Aaron James, UC Irvine professor of philosophy and author of Assholes: A Theory.  (Yes, someone has literally written the book on assholes.)

ALSO MENTIONED:

• Who would win in a fight: Sean Doolittle’s beard (ZZ Top’s Nephew), or Dustin Ackley’s beard (Baby Santa Claus)?
• The rabbit hole of beard culture.
• An appreciation of/sports obit for Steve Nash, pensive misfit.
• Alien baby Sam Cassell.
• “Assholisticness.”
• The glee with which public radio host John Moe says “asshole” a number of times without getting put in FCC jail.
• The European Rugby Champions Cup and what are probably a number of mispronunciations.

Kelly Dwyer, editor of Yahoo’s Ball Don’t Lie blog, helps John Moe preview the 2014-2015 NBA season, specifically any non-LeBron-homecoming storylines that we may have missed.  Plus, John talks about hitting and getting hit; the Tournament of Names (NBA edition) takes majestic, awful flight, with the assistance of Mike Fotis and Peter Clowney; and a dissection of the lyrics to Lorde’s “Royals” from the perspective of the Burlington Bees, courtesy of Wits.

ALSO MENTIONED:

• An escalation in “Royals”-triggered song bans, where even Steely Dan and Fleet Foxes aren’t safe.
• John being part of the problem as regards the NFL, which is most of the problem as regards the NFL.
• Joakim Noah’s reggae-Tom Wolfe aesthetic (no, look).
• “I’ve ensnared you in my pants.”
• Patty Smyth of Scandal.
• “There was some tribes.”
• John Moe’s Dinosaur Corner

ALSO MENTIONED:

• Parallel Universe Home Dunk delivers a scathing indictment of University of Georgia running back Todd Gurley for soiling the NCAA’s integrity by allegedly signing his own name to things for a small cash reward.  The horror!
• Best explanation for the NBA being at the forefront of biometrics: One in three NBA owners comes from the tech industry.
• Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain: probably bad at biometrics!
• Voluntary off-season workouts that you have to go to or you’re fired.
• “Spencer Hawes wasn’t compatible with Windows 10.”
• The Coach is a “freelance coach.”
• Quesadilla hands.
• Piranha Lake.
• Inline speed skating rankings (senior women’s division).

Todd Gurley, scourge of the NCAA

ALSO MENTIONED:

• “The St. Louis Cardinals herp-a-derp.”
• Coffin corners vs. Aussie-style kicking.
• Ray Guy.
• The Erik Bedard trade. (Close listeners will hear John’s world-weary sigh.)
• The $1,300 purse at the National 40K Race Walk Championship in Ocean Township, New Jersey.

He then previews the upcoming NHL season with Puck Daddy‘s Greg Wyshynski, who tells us what teams and players to watch out for, and dispels the myth that a morbidly obese goalie would be effective in any way.

Then, it’s on to the finale of the Tournament of Names, wherein John, Mike Fotis, and Peter Clowney pick a champion between Lions, Texans, Giants, and Cowboys.  It gets weird.

ALSO MENTIONED:

• The Uma Thurman/Janeane Garofalo vehicle The Truth About Cats and Dogs.
• Wyshynski on finding a fellow hockey diehard: “Here’s someone who likes what I like, even if ESPN doesn’t.”
• A tornado of untruth/Peter Clowney’s secret history of tornadoes.
• “Boy cows are real stackable.”
• All Texans sleep in stadiums/stadia.
• Knifechins.
• The Asian Games Men’s Badminton Final between two opponents who just don’t like each other. (I am guessing; it’s badminton.)

ALSO MENTIONED:

• Charlemagne
• Charlemagne’s first NBA coach, Larry Brown
• Raymond Carver
• Pesky’s Pole
• Sad, talking lions
• “I don’t think the Falcons are a band.”
• Mike Fotis’ understanding of cowboys
• Charles Horowitz’s continued domination of American fencing.

John’s a football fan who lives in Minnesota.  In addition to that, he was born into Vikings fandom thanks to his Norwegian parents.  Although he’s a Seattle native and a Seahawks partisan, he still has a soft spot for the home state team.  Or rather, had.  John tells you why.

In addition, he welcomes Live Wire! host Luke Burbank to share stories of their Seattle fandom, and Matthew Baldwin of Defective Yeti to help disgusted NFL fans with their Sunday board game options.

SEATTLE: Luke still calls the Pacific Northwest home, and can confirm that Seahawks fans, fresh off the city’s first Super Bowl victory, are not “acting like they’ve been there before.”

PULL QUOTE: “‘I don’t watch football’ is the new ‘I don’t own a TV’ of 2014 Seattle.”

BOARD GAMES: Matthew suggests 1st & Goal if you still want a football fix, Formula D if you’d prefer a different sport, and K2 if mountaineering is your thing.

ALSO NOTED:

• Substitute “modern country music” for “the National Football League” in any story about the NFL.  Then see if you still like it.
• The board game K2 is notable for the goal being not to reach the top of K2 fastest, but rather to just not fall off a mountain and die.
• John breaks down the key Cowdenbeath/Heart of Midlothian tilt in the Scottish Championship League

The Hold Steady’s Craig Finn, admitted Twins and Vikings fan

John Moe opens this episode wondering what we’re falling for now.  The impetus for this is a scene in Richard Linklater’s Boyhood, where Ethan Hawke’s character marvels at the longevity and ability of Roger Clemens.  As it turned out, there were (allegedly) reasons for that.  Lance Armstrong, Danny Almonte, and Marion Jones are also referenced as other sports figures whose feats the general public celebrated until those accomplishments were proven to be enabled by PEDs and fake birth certificates.  So, when you’re told that Michael Sam deserved to fall in the draft, and deserved to be cut by the Rams: Are you falling for something again?

TALKING TO A SPORTS GUY ABOUT WEED: ESPN senior writer Pablo Torre talks to John about marijuana in sports, the harsh punishments for using it (see also: Josh Gordon’s suspension vs. Ray Rice’s initial penalty), and the utility it might actually contain for professional athletes.

TALKING TO A ROCK GUY ABOUT SPORTS: The Hold Steady’s Craig Finn is a notorious fan of the Minnesota Twins and Minnesota Vikings, and John asks him to justify his devotion.  For the baseball team, it’s easy: In 1987, Finn got his driver’s license, his first girlfriend, and the Twins won the World Series.  Even though they’re “hapless” now, you can’t take that away.  As for the Vikings, well, the phrase “two-boat theory” is bandied about.

HOME DUNK FAST FACTS: 

• John Moe met Warren Moon at a mall opening.
• Chuck Klosterman likes all orange teams, regardless of ability.
• The Kevin Smith/Prince story that Chuck references is here.

PULL QUOTES:

• “Corvallis is kind of a terrible place to be.” –Klosterman, on why it’s hard to root against Oregon State
• “Illinoisians.” –Fotis, coining what I’m hoping will be the word used to describe Sufjan Stevens acolytes
• “Sanctioned giraffe murder” –John Moe, on things that Texans do
• “Credit cards are really confusing to lions.”  –Fotis again.  This makes a lot of sense.

—Stu

PULL QUOTES:

• “Dirt, dead grass, and poo.” –John, on what people associate with Browns
• “They’re essentially amphibians.” –Mike, on the Vikings
• “London without all the stuff.”  Dave Hill, on the city of Cleveland

–Stu

ALSO COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Yes, “Theme from Home Dunk” is great.  Yes, it’s better than every other podcast theme ever.  Yes, Open Mike Eagle is the best.  Yes, he also has an Infinite Guest podcast that you should listen to.
• Clayton Kershaw is better at the throwing of baseballs than you, or possibly anyone else, right now.
• Kevin Love’s surname gives John the opportunity to make an astonishing number of references to different love songs.
• SPOILER ALERT: There is an update from the World Matchplay Darts 2014 Tournament in Blackpool.  If you have DVR’d this for viewing later, mute the show at the 41:00 minute mark.

—Stu