tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-94514342009-11-06T07:40:29.314-06:00No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.comBlogger555125This is an XML content feed. It is intended to be viewed in a newsreader or syndicated to another site.tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-53097811252847032272009-11-06T06:52:00.005-06:002009-11-06T07:40:29.324-06:00

If previous lives are real, there is no doubt that I once was a crazy cat lady. My house probably stunk to the high heavens of ammonia, and I likely lived on canned cat food. Why would I think such a thing? Because sometimes I feel so connected to those fuzzy little bastards it isn’t even funny. (Remember the story of Chip? If not, email me and I’ll send it to you. It depicts an odd connection

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/11/im-sorry-i-cant-be-puuurrrfect.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-55673950869423378322009-10-29T10:55:00.005-05:002009-10-29T12:07:18.344-05:00

The story about my super duper life saving skills is going to have to wait for another day. Sorry. But like Janet Jackson said, “I promise, I’ll be worth the wait.”If you’ve been reading Home Fires for a while, you already know Rosie O’Donnell is someone I look up to as a mom, humanitarian, philanthropist, author and comedian. She has read and commented on this blog three times, always offering a

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/10/whole-lotta-rosie.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-43623554682172235052009-10-24T10:24:00.008-05:002009-10-24T11:01:40.286-05:00

In kindergarten, my son, Lane 1 got into trouble when he stepped out of line to play with the drinking fountain. He received his first detention that day. At the time, and now looking back, I really don’t think it was detention worthy. But like everything in life, it was a lesson learned.At the age of 5, he said he “saw a spider on the spout, and wanted to send it down the drain so nobody would

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/10/one-thing-leads-to-another.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-68779774893604075262009-10-16T14:13:00.006-05:002009-10-16T15:09:24.305-05:00

There's no shame in my game as you long-time readers know. Today was no different. I called into a test show for Rosie O’Donnell. You can imagine my surprise when the phone actually rang.My heart was all racy and my hands were super sweaty. I got through nine times. Eight of those times the ringing turned into a fast busy signal. I was about to give up because I never took Stalking 101, but I was

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/10/operator-well-could-you-help-me-place.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-35413712573248061972009-10-05T10:26:00.017-05:002009-10-06T10:22:09.612-05:00

There are a couple of upsides to kids growing up. I know, I don’t like to admit it either. Just the conversations we share and those they share with each other, should make me okay with the process of watching my babies bloom into adulthood. I really do love listening/talking to them.Let’s take a step back for a minute. When Lane 1 and Lane 2 were little, everything we discussed revolved around

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/10/wont-you-tell-me-why-yi-yi-yi.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-39700025351194762182009-10-03T08:02:00.002-05:002009-10-03T08:07:49.433-05:00

What is the world coming to, when Lois Frickin’ Lane is singing a Taylor Swift song? If you know the song in the title, you’ll understand why as you read along. If you don’t, check out the lyrics as they seem to fit this situation better than any song.I’m nervous because of reason 3,698. Somewhere, someday, you may find a book with all of the reasons in numeric order. Until then…You really ought

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/10/you-belong-with-me.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-32964966114588490532009-09-25T10:00:00.004-05:002009-09-25T10:11:33.740-05:00

It’s always an honor to see one of your friends get the recognition they deserve. Today, William of Poop and Boogies received what has been a long time coming. Dr. Phil mentioned his blog on his website.William has been blogging funnies about his own childhood as well as rearing his sons, all the while admitting his lovely bride, Lauren is always right. Not a lot of husbands will admit such a

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/09/aint-we-lucky-we-got-em-good-times.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-6898019643379986512009-09-02T08:39:00.004-05:002009-09-02T19:23:04.464-05:00

It ain't all hearts and flowers, this married stuff. I brag on my old man all the time, see post below. And mostly, he deserves it. Today Mr. Lane is in the doghouse and I need your help.Is owning up to cock-like behavior enough? Mr. Lane called me to apologize for displaying many forms of assholery and dickonometry as of late. When I hung up, I thought, wow he knew he was a dick without me

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/09/you-aint-nothin-but-hound-dog.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-80220879140387823322009-08-07T08:45:00.014-05:002009-08-07T09:28:24.966-05:00

One thing people keep asking me after hearing of all the bad news around here... "Lois, how do you manage to keep a sense of humor?"If you've been wondering the same, just look below. They make me smile, they fill my heart and they give me plenty to laugh about/at/with. Sure this summer sucked, no doubt, but look how lucky I am.Lane 2 and Mr. Lane, craziest monkeys at the zoo.Even the real

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/08/side-by-side.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-23860819682767966702009-07-30T07:53:00.003-05:002009-07-30T08:00:24.549-05:00

I’ll understand if you need to read this slowly over several days or if it’s all just way too much and you close the browser. I can so relate to that! I started to write this the same day I published the post below so it may read as a continuation. If you are new here or just find yourself lost, catch up on The Summer of Suckage by reading the posts below.The fucking dam finally broke a little.

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/07/disco-inferno.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-71462462755153863262009-07-24T23:32:00.004-05:002009-07-24T23:52:49.133-05:00

The good news first, I have a job with heaps of work. The bad news is my laptop crapped out. The good news is my son is so awesome, he secretly gave his dad money to buy me a new one. The bad news is I have to pay him back eventually. The good news is, he doesn’t know what “interest” means.I’ve been collaborating with a children’s production company while all hell has been breaking loose. You

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/07/you-take-good-you-take-bad.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-76435775788388438502009-06-21T13:59:00.003-05:002009-06-21T14:09:16.804-05:00

What was supposed to be a fun road trip for me and my girl has turned into a trip from Hell. We left Illinois headed to Lake of the Ozarks at 6 am on May 30th. We spent one night in Missouri and were going to drive to Florida with my mother and father in-law for a family wedding. Since my father in-law wasn't feeling well and had refused to go to the doctor days before, I dragged his ass to

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/06/climb.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-47014474979115181322009-05-24T09:32:00.010-05:002009-05-24T10:23:52.888-05:00

We went to my grade school reunion last week. I was so genuinely happy to see so many familiar, beautiful, happy faces when I walked in I wanted to hug the fucking waiter. Ya know? It's been a week and I can't stop looking at the pictures and smiling like a giant doofus. Whatever!We walked into the bar and my mind flashed back as I saw those older but familiar faces smiling back at me. I don't

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/05/oh-what-night.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-32649022623670806622009-05-16T10:23:00.002-05:002009-05-16T10:28:27.294-05:00

...where everybody knows your name and everything else! My friend Jackie invited the Lanes to her family barbeque. When we got there I was a little out of place. My old man was out of town. The kids had all ran off to join the circus or do whatever it is kids do, and I didn't know anyone else except Jackie and her old man Donny, who was incidentally already half in the bag. On second thought, he

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/05/sometimes-you-wanna-go.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-81930899350675100982009-04-27T10:13:00.001-05:002009-04-27T10:21:55.519-05:00

Yoohoo! Is anyone home? Sorry to have worried anyone in my absence. I was off dying. No, no, it's okay. You don't have to send flowers just yet, and no, it isn't the swine flu. Just because I talk like a pig, doesn't mean jack diddly shit.I was pretty sure I was dying, anyhow. I got a lovely case of pneumonia. I'm not going to lie, it may have been the worst I've ever felt in my life. Which means

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/04/he-aint-heavy-hes-my-brother.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-53342826547896573212009-03-20T07:28:00.004-05:002009-03-20T12:17:22.737-05:00

The email subscription is now working. If you would like Home Fires to email you when I've updated, enter your email address in the box on the right sidebar. I'll have to pay more attention to what time I post. The feed emails subscribers at a certain time. If I post after the scheduled time, it waits until the next day.It had been 25 years since I'd seen my friend Sherry. I was anxious to see

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/03/it-rubs-lotion-on-its-skin.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-48279053620279401802009-03-19T09:17:00.004-05:002009-03-19T11:25:20.116-05:00

...as much as I love doodie, vote for my friend. You don't have to register. Just click the "vote for me" thingy. This contest will give him a shot to share his comedy with the masses. You can vote once every 24 hours, please do.Thank you in advance for your cooperation. xoxo LoBigGayCasting.comP.S. You can also add this widget to your site. The more publicity the better.

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/03/if-you-love-dudey.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-62236061841381451492009-03-15T08:54:00.003-05:002009-03-15T09:08:51.813-05:00

In the last two weeks, two of my biggest fans passed away. The first was our dear Hoss. The second was one of my old publishers who had been fighting esophageal cancer. Both had more faith in me and my writing than I ever had. My ego, along with all of my other 2,000 parts, will miss them immensely.Thank you all for the condolences in the last post. I send mine to you as well. Hoss was loved by

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/03/and-so-it-goes.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-83056358405598057762009-03-07T14:50:00.006-06:002009-03-07T15:19:37.160-06:00

Born: Oct. 1 and 2, 1930Died: March 7, 2009(Photo of Hoss proudly modeling the NIU sweatshirt I gave him.)It is with a heavy heart that I share this news...One of my favorite people, one of my first, oldest, nearest and dearest blog buddies, Gene Maudlin passed away today.If Frank Sinatra and the Burger King guy had a love child, it would have been Hoss. He did it his way, making his exit here

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/03/rip-hoss.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-52974774161971838912009-03-02T10:13:00.007-06:002009-03-02T11:17:42.209-06:00

By now you all know I have a screw loose in my head. Maybe that's why you keep coming back to Home Fires. Today I have a lot of random shit to talk about. Try to stay with me.I wasn't going to tell you guys this because it was pretty embarrassing, but since it has become a running joke here, I thought, why not.I was two rooms away from my old man, when I thought I heard him yell my name. Since I

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/03/shes-like-wind.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-43066897112847551182009-02-22T17:23:00.010-06:002009-02-22T20:35:47.394-06:00

*You can now get an email letting you know when I've updated Home Fires, by entering your email address in the subscribe box to your right.*Last week I went to get Lane 1's car out of the impound lot. (Please see the last two posts for the back story if you are new here or have been MIA a while.) The police use a local towing company to keep cars until investigations are complete. When I got

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/02/live-to-tell.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-56184247531846550622009-02-12T09:27:00.003-06:002009-02-12T09:31:43.577-06:00

If you read the post below, you know that my son's car was totaled. The other day, we found out it wasn't the man who they said. Rather, a man with a very similar name. (First names are the same and last names are different by a couple of letters, both men are around 400 pounds, and they live in the same little neighborhood. I can see where the mix up was.) Not that one person's life is more

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/02/i-will-buy-you-new-life.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-86452533722369108702009-02-08T09:09:00.004-06:002009-02-08T15:12:08.276-06:00

Nothing can freak a mom out as much as a phone call moments after curfew from their teenager who's crying so hard, you can't make out the words he is saying.I got that call Friday night from my son, Lane 1. Of course my heart sank and mind raced with the many horrible possibilities, as I pressed the phone harder to my ear, trying to understand what he was saying. Lane 1 never cries, so I,

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/02/silent-sigh.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-17427297375279954102009-02-01T14:18:00.003-06:002009-02-01T14:39:22.772-06:00

Well, I lied to you guys... again. Remember a year ago when I said something like, "Unless my dogs start to shit gold nuggets, I won't write about them." Total lie.Since it's Super Bowl Sunday and I can't really give a crap about football, I actually considered watching Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl, with my daughter, Lane 2. It's a great day for vegging out, so why not? Puppies are cute, and I hear

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/02/buffalo-stance.htmltag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9451434.post-71819465807836150582009-01-23T09:24:00.003-06:002009-01-23T11:19:37.866-06:00

Most people would say, "You are your own worst critic." Although that may be true in the real world, I live in the Lane Estate, therefore, my worst critics are my lovely children. I just finished up a writing gig for a stand-up comedian. While working on material, I would periodically run a joke idea by them. Do you remember Statler & Waldorf, the Muppet Show critics? That would be the Lane kids.

No_Newzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03948217674898022349nonewz_1972@yahoo.com0http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2009/01/shake-dat-laffy-taffy.html