Best value hotel at the moment is without any doubt the Westin. As a beachfront hotel you will not get better value in the entire Emirate.

Reflections from the week:

Well the LIONS earned their labelling. What a great MAULING of ‘the enemy’. Did you see anything like it. A true King of the Jungle performance. ALL LIONS. Well done. Respect restored.

So was the last two weeks about respect or another typically American ‘show’ where every last $ could be milked from the planet. Yes in death it seems Michael J earned more in the last 14 days than he did in the previous 14 years

Thankfully now Sky News can get back to covering ‘what it says on the tin’, and not subject us to further excessive and excruciating coverage of the death of one man, albeit a guy who was a ‘bit special’. But after 14 days of it, I feel exhausted, almost to a point of wanting to join MJ if it were to continue. Like some epicentre of ‘tv insanity’.

Well at least his post death earnings will ‘solve’ all his claimed financial troubles. Miraculously he is ‘now’ worth in excess of $250 million. A nice half a billion ‘swing’ in just 14 days. And lots for his ‘family’ to fight over.

And did you ever see such a strange cast of people. His Dad, uglier than King Kong. A Mum, uglier than Queen Kong. The mother of two of his children, Debbie Rowe, well uglier than both Micks parents. Did you see her on TV ? A tyrant. A psycho. Or as we say in Ireland ‘a knacker’. A half-man half-woman scary monster.

Strange that MJ would even consider her as somebody to be seen with, let alone ‘be intimate’. Surely even his ‘strangeness’ did not stretch that far.

And then there is the REAL puzzle. How could the kids be so beautiful, and outwardly normal ? NOT with a mother like that !! Well that raises a whole new week of ‘coverage’ for SKY. Who are the REAL parents ? And so, alas, the chapter is, maybe, NOT closed.

Another ‘tasteful’ joke from the Mick’s death is :

‘News just in, Police say that Jacko died falling over a childs pram…

So, Don’t blame it on the sunshine… Don’t blame it on the moonlight… Don’t blame it on the good times… Blame it on the buggy!!’

Does the number 1727-054 mean to you ? Nothing ? Me neither. Well this is the ‘new name’ given to the $50 billion scamster Mr Bernard Madoff . It is the convict number’ given to him, free of charge, by the US Government. Now the ‘poor guy’, condemned to 150 years behind bars, is having to fight a different battle. Which ‘house’ he will live in.

The draconian maximum sentence imposed by the judge means that Madoff, 71, will be assigned to a tougher category of prison than most white-collar criminals . Under this rule he could be forced to mingle with murderers, rapists, drug-dealers and white supremacist gangs with a hatred of Jews. Madoff is a Jew. OOOpppppsssss its going to be a long 150 years !!

Now something’s that ‘getting old fast’ Bernie will not have to worry or care about. A survey in America has thrown up the following outrageous statistics. 95% (of the 25,000 interviewed and 200 companies) flirted with a colleague at work. 89% lusted after a colleague – so does THAT mean 6% were NOT serious with their flirting !! But here is where it gets interesting, 72% kissed a colleague. 65% decided to take this (kissing) one step further ……….. and had sex with a co-worker. Sluts. Or is it Studs !! 59% of these co-workers were so impressed by the sex and decided to date each other. WOW. How cute and romantic.

Just to ‘assist’ you in not wandering into the wrong room at work the place of choice for ‘the act’ is the conference room (34%). Close behind is the bosses office (30%). Now that only says a couple of things to me. Either you are a real risk taker and/or don’t care about your career. OR the BOSS is getting lots of sex !!!

And on that subject how many of you knew that Eddie Murphy (the rapidly being forgotten about American actor) is the father of Spice Girl Mel B’s ‘love-child’. Two questions. Is Mel B, the ‘black one’ ? And what is the difference between a ‘child’ and a ‘love-child’ ??

A quick run through some Dubai stories. Four Dubai banks have had an S&P credit downgrade. Not a great surprise. Interesting in a week that the UAE Central Bank reported that bank finance from the banking system has raced over the AED 1 trillion mark.

On a more ‘seedy’ note the girl who died after ‘falling’ from her apartment balcony in Discovery Gardens, is now reported as having been murdered. I am so glad. No NOT that she was murdered but it was difficult to believe that she fell from the balcony while practicing her ballet (or did they mean ‘balcony dancing’) . I mean how many people do you know who die practicing ballet ? But murder !! Yeah more believable. And so her 35 year old Egyptian (they seem to be the only nation that believe that you can get away with murder in Dubai) boyfriend is explaining to police why camera shots have him in the building at the time of death and why her body ‘shows’ that the two of them had sex – just before she died !!!!

But the Egyptians make resourceful ‘defendants’. So lets wait to hear his side of the story.

Dubai is also about to ‘pitch’ for the 2020 Olympics. I can see no obstacle to the legitimacy of the application. Except maybe the Summer temperatures !!

New car registrations in Dubai in the first six months have fallen a surprisingly low 8%. Surely this figure is a masking of the truth. Now come on lad’s. Lets have the truth !!! I suspect there should be a ‘5′ before the ‘8′ or maybe a ‘6′.

Another significant story from the Dubai police this week is the introduction of hidden speed radars in the latest initiative to catch “arrogant” (their word not mine) motorists.These fund-raising ‘weapons’ will soon hang from trees, electrical poles or even bridges, capturing speeding drivers, without the flash of a camera bulb to alert. Sneeky. I love it. But here is the ‘sweet’ part.

All taxis beware. From July 15, anyone who is caught will face fines of up to AED2,000 (half the monthly salary of a taxi driver) and eight black points with motorists having their licence suspended if they pick up a total 24 points for speeding.

In a characteristic gesture of kindness, those caught during the trial period will not be prosecuted. This initiative will improve the driving experience in the Emirate, reduce the number of accidents (and hence traffic jams) and most importantly reduce the scale of grief for those who lose loved ones on the Dubai roads due to the ‘arrogance’ (and ignorance) of some drivers. Will not be good for the panel-beating business though !!

Wasn’t it nice to see Barack Obama shake hands with Colonel Gadaffi at the G8 summit. Particularly given that swine-flu is still rampant. And neither wore gloves. I am sure that the Colonel did not waste the opportunity to encourage the US President to give Alan Stanford (another US ponzy scheme architect) the same treatment as Bernie (Madoff). Libya invested $500 million with Stanford just 6 months before the ‘shit hit the fan’.

Did you know that Barack’s blood type is ‘O’ – similar to 50% of black Americans. While Gadaffi’s is A – similar to ALL of his busty female virgin body-guards. But some other interesting blood type (there are four major blood groups – O, A, B and AB) knowledge for you. Aborigines have only two blood types – O and A. AB is the rarest across the entire planet. Bororo (in Brazil) are ENTIRELY (100%) O blood types (same as Peruvian Indians) while American Indians are 90% A.

Sticking with ‘things medical’ there is now compelling research that drinking Green Tea will significantly improve your chances of avoiding prostate cancer.

And in a week that the UK are considering an initiative that would pay people to lose weight (yes this IS true, so ‘beef up’ my British friends), the size 20 comedienne Dawn French has introduced Britain (and now HT) to the expression ‘body blindness’. Well done Dawn. I guess if it works for you !!! But most of us obviously are not afflicted by this condition. We think you should lose some weight, Dawn.

And on the subject of paying people for losing weight would it not be good to introduce a ‘tax’ for putting on weight. Now there is an idea for the tax-obsessed Irish Government.

A quick break from this ‘heavy stuff’. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

My good friend Gemma sent me a tv-link to an interview between Vincent Browne (a ball-crunching journalist and tv commentator) and Brian Lenihan (the Irish Minister for Finance). A bruising ‘one way’ debate. What a shame there was such a gap ‘in class’. The best that can be said about Lenihan was that he did not lose his temper – while being embarrassingly torn limb by limb by a smug and smiling Vinny Browne.

Amongst the many amusing (and embarrassing) moments, if I am allowed to smile during blood sports, was Lenihan’s (a lawyer despite holding a ‘financial’ post) inability to answer the question about how many people would be unemployed in Ireland if 15% of the work force were on social welfare. Interesting. If you know the ‘employable workforce’ and 15% of this number are unemployed the absolute number should be easy to calculate.

Unless we are to conclude that the Minister for FINANCE has some problem with mental arithmetic !!!

Vinny just detroyed his overpaid paid ‘guest’ so easily that I was left asking myself WHY did Lenihan agree to go on the show in the first place.

But these guys in the Irish Government really do need to be REMOVED as soon as possible. Otherwise this very fine country and people, admired in so many parts of the world, will not recover. Ever. In what have to be the most awful example of ‘management’ these guys are, initially slowly, rapidly destroying everything so many finer, and patriotic, Irishmen/women gave their lives to create.

A total betrayal of ALL those who gave their lives so that Irish People could be independent and grow a country and culture of their own. And in less than 18 months these ‘economic barbarians’ are about to give the country (and people) of Ireland over to foreign bankers/countries in an act of ‘financial colonialisation’. YOU ARE A TOTAL DISGRACE and do not deserve to have Irish passports or represent our country. And you are getting paid (and remunerated) so outrageously for this dereliction of responsibility. If you were in the ‘business world’ you would not have jobs. If you were in the medical world you would not have jobs. Even if you were running some charity or non profit making operation you would be REPLACED.

Unfortunately you are in the ‘bullet proof’ (for the moment) world of politics. But your Fianna Fail Party will suffer from your incompetence for decades to come.

On the positive side, this Green Isle (turning a bit ‘parched’) has been responsible for many great new initiatives that have become Global. From plastic bags to smoking bans in public places. These are all initiatives wher the Irish led the way. And now the UAE has passed legislation to ‘ban’ the ‘plastic bag’ from 2012. About time. There is such an abuse of this product in this Region. I guess I will have to get use of paying for my rubbish bags. Although I do have two years to ‘stock up’ !!

Finally just weeks after Ryanair won headlines for proposing to charge passengers for using the toilet facilities, the ‘innovation’ department at the Irish airline, has ‘discovered’ a new idea. FREE transport if you are prepared to STAND onboard. Apart from the obvious safety questions, I suspect that using the toilets would become redundant. I mean by the time you fought your way through all the ‘standing crowds’, the plane would probably be starting its decent. Maybe this is some clever combination of initiatives by Mick (the CEO) to convert toilet space to ‘seat space’. Clever.

Finally finally did you see the unique UK Government solution to its over-crowded prisons ? Yes the ‘crime plague’ that has resulted in thousands of ‘unhoused’, now has an ‘obvious’ solution. Build a jail in …………… wait for it …………………………… Nigeria !!! True. It is REAL. Yes now ‘these guys’ will get to a free trip to sunny Nigeria. Conditions will probably be a little ‘tougher’, but they should feel at home. Are not most of the inmates black.

Property corner:

:For those of you who believe the ‘Dubai Story’ is dead, do so at your own cost. As the world recovers slowly, some more slowly than others, there will be NO region of the world that will recover faster than the Middle East. And for all the criticism of Dubai, and its debt levels, there is NO country with the required infrastructure for such growth – except Dubai. And even though Abu Dhabi has been identified as the ‘country’ with the greatest construction (and investment) activity, Dubai will benefit from this. As AD’s neighbour it will be able to provide immediate and cheaper accommodation. This will become more obvious as we move into 2010. And it will be 2012 before AD has anything near the scale of residential and commercial property stock planned.

Also AD has NO interest (or need) in having its ‘territory’ populated by many ‘foreigners’. At least Dubai realises (and accepts) that foreigners are a necessity to justify its enormous infrastructure and construction spend.

This will mean the population of Dubai will continue to grow – I believe at the expense of Sharjah – and so service businesses will flourish – I hope to give you some options on these soon.

Dog Corner:

Dog of the week award once again has to go to the people who remain convinced that AED 25 per person is an appropriate charge for taking the 4 kilometre journey from the bottom to the top of the Palm. A disgrace. Have they not worked out yet that it is better to have lots of business at a cheaper ticket price than virtually none at this extortionate price. And given that the Atlantis (which is for sale) hotel benefits most should it not subsidise the project.

Fun corner:

A couple of quickies to start

‘I was walking down the Bradford road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fucking start?”

Man: Would you like to dance?

Woman: I’d rather eat glass.

Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘Hunting Flies’ he responded.

‘Oh. ! Killing any?’ she asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone’

This is really only for the ‘clever’ readers !!

CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

17. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

I know we have seen this before but I really like it. And being Irish I am ALLOWED to slag the Irish.

THE IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY -

Artery…………………. …The study of paintings.

Bacteria…………………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Benign……………………..What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section………A neighbourhood in Rome ..

Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize……………. …..Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………………….A sheep dog.

Coma………………………A punctuation mark.

Dilate………………………To live long.

Enema……………………..Not a friend.

Fester……………………..Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………………A small lie.

Impotent……………… …Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain………………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff……………..A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid……………………..A higher offer.

Nitrates……………………Cheaper than day rates.

Node……………………….I knew it.

Outpatient…………………A person who has fainted.

Pelvis……………………..Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative…………..A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………….Place to do upholstery.

Rectum……………………Nearly killed him.

Secretion…………………Hiding something.

Seizure……………………Roman emperor.

Tablet……………………..A small table.

Terminal Illness…………Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour……………………One plus one more.

Urine………………………Opposite of you’re out.

Some short ‘topical’ lines for tomorrow nights dinner – if you have this type of humour.

Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu.

Swine flu isn’t a problem for pigs, because they’re all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse…

But we’ll get through. Where there’s a swill there’s a way.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says he’s got swine flu, but I think he’s telling porkies.

I have to say, I’m finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It’s just spam.

1. Teaching Maths In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010 A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan t o buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following t heir holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’s are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Currency corner:

Sterling continues to remain strong – albeit about 3% weaker (against the Euro) than two weeks ago. Expect the next ‘break’ of weakness over the Summer. The UK economy may appear to be doing better than most, but the enormity of the problems have not yet been appreciated. This weeks decision to add another £ 25 billion ‘stimulus’ by Government is a classic signal. So be prepared for this move south.

The US$ is really have a roller-coaster. All it took for a ‘quick dip’ on Thursday was the ‘request’ at the G8 Summit for a ‘reform of the reserve currency thinking’. This was seen as an attack against the $ and it duly fell 1%. It should recover some of it ‘pose’ as China ‘explains’ its position. Most of the countries that would like to see wider ‘reserve currency choice’, will have to accept enormous ‘damage’ to their US$ assets/holdings. It will however have to happen some day. I do however think the Greenback will have a ‘recovery’ Summer.

Equity corner:

We are NOW going into the most dangerous period for equity markets. Low Summer volumes and lack of clarity over future corporate earnings. Unemployment continues to afflict most major economies and this will continue to dampen consumer expenditure – a critical GDP component in most countries. There are however some stocks that will be disproportionately impacted to the downside.

And this week I think Prudential is one of those. A buy at £ 3.70 .

Yeah the humidity has clicked-in with some serious impacts. It is becoming really uncomfortable. So for those travelling make sure your ‘stay’ is near the shoreline – where at least there are winds.

Reflections from the week:

Well have you seen anything like it. The coverage of Michael Jackson’s death. More coverage than the invasion of Iraq. Or the bombing of the Trade Centre buildings. Or Princess Diana’s death.

Yes a real ‘historic’ event. EVERY day mass (forgive the pun) coverage.

Regrettably it took away from the death of another once-famous person. An iconic actress in her day. Farah Fawcett died on the same day but got almost no tv coverage. A real beauty, her last months on this planet were sad and painful. Many younger readers will not know who she is/was, but she will be remembered by ‘us’ oldies as one of the original Charlie Angel’s.

Now she is with the real angels. And probably with Michael.

Of all the jokes circulating about Michael J’s death the only ones that I thought were tasteful are :

‘Following the death of Michael Jackson, reports say that Bubbles has gone ape - and Uri has gone on a bender’.

‘Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Manchester United?

A: Come August, United will still be playing Giggs.’

On that subject another thought struck me. Which would you prefer to be Michael Jackson … and dead. Or Bernie Madoff. Alive, but having to spend 150 years in jail. I guess when you are 72 years old, it does not matter if you get 150 years or 20 years sentence.

Now let us get on with life.

Did you know that it is only the female mosquito that bites.

Or that ‘the fingerprint’ still solves more crimes than ‘dna’.

Yeah I guess these are not pieces of knowledge that will help your social popularity ….. but think of the RESPECT !!!

Well it had to happen. Eventually. Ireland’s debt rating has fallen. Again. To AA1. AND the outlook is negative.

I guess with NO direction coming from the Government other than the stupidly insane (and inane) concept of extra taxes. On a declining tax-population. And unemployment speeding towards 15% (the true figure is probably nearer 20%). There is no way out but further down. This is going to be a painful journey for Ireland and its lovely people.

In many other parts of the world there would be an insurrection. In the Corporate world THESE PEOPLE would be sacked. In the same queue as they condemning so many of their electorate. Their TOTAL inability to implement some obvious corrective medication. But these people suffer from a paralysis that normally only afflicts the less fortunate in this world. In Ireland’s unfortunate case it has got a wholly disproportionate allocation. ALL in one house in Kildare Street (Parliament buildings – for my ‘overseas’ readers).

Can you imagine if these were your leaders in a war-zone ! We would ALL be with Michael Jackson by now.

And if their problem is not large enough, Exchequer returns for the first 6 months of 2009 shows a Euro 14.7 billion deficit – heading for almost 5 times the deficit ‘allowed’ under EU Government laws related to ‘deficit to GDP’.

I know this might sound like ‘career suicide’ (I now don’t want ‘the job’) but these guys are complete ‘a**holes’ and do not deserve to have your/our support.

Which leads me nicely to France. No, not that they are ‘les ass**les’. Quite ‘le contraire.

Even these people who are regularly ridiculed in spy and detective movies, have the good sense to understand that increased taxes only destroys jobs and the number of people ‘prepared’ to pay tax. Even the French have the courage to make ‘sensible’ decisions. And this week they sensibly decided to REDUCE the Vat (ie sales tax) in restaurants and cafes from 19.5% to 5.5%. A full 14%. Well done ‘Mes Amis’.

Now a little test for you. Well at least those of you interested in football – of the soccer variety. Over the past 50 years name the players who have worn the famous Number 7 shirt for Manchester United ?

There are 5.

Christiano Ronaldo being the easy one. Then there was David Beckham. Yes and before him Eric Contona. You are doing well. And before him Bryan Robson – yes he was a bit more difficult. And then depending on your point of view the most famous of them all – George Best. It will be interesting to see who will be given this honour when the Manchester United ‘pack’ is announced next month.

Can anybody who is conversant with telephone banking explain how ‘the owner’ can possibly feel it appropriate to have a ‘your call is important to us, please hold’ message when you are still waiting for a ‘customer service representative’ to answer a call after 17 minutes. Surely some changing of the words would be appropriate. ‘Are you still there ? YOUR call must be very important to YOU’

or ‘Jesus, give us a break, we are busy can’t you call back later’ !!

Well let’s leave the ‘resolution’ to our customer-unfriendly service-naked people at ‘Du’ – the alternative telecoms provider in the UAE. After 17 minutes ? Well the call got accidentally ‘lost’ and I decided not to try again.

But thankfully there are only a few things in Dubai that have these ‘delivery standards’. Here is a little ‘addition’ to last weeks Dubai Metro story. There will be 4 classes of NOL (the word means ‘fare’ or ‘cost of transport’ in Farsi – which in interesting ) cards. Gold, Silver, Blue and Red. The first three categories have an ‘e-purse’ facility while the Red category does not. The Gold card will allow you travel in the ‘Gold carriage’. The difference in the other categories are purely price and flexibility based. One little ‘gesture’ to those over 60 there will be a specially discounted fare – as yet undisclosed. I wonder will there be a special discount for the Gold cabin – which I have already decided is where I will be when the service starts in 68 days time. And it WILL be delivered on time.

Did you know that the planet needs land equivalent to the size of the Austalian continent to grow the food necessary to feed the current world population. Or that 60% of the worlds fresh water reserves/resources is needed to ‘cultivate’ this land annually. Or that the potato is rapidly becoming the MOST consumed crop in the world.

Boy, I am being knowledge-generous to you this week.

For those of you wondering where will the new inward investment to Dubai come from, four new financial services companies set up last week. One of which is Russia’s second largest bank – VTB. Up to 500 highly paid jobs will be created from ‘last weeks’ activity alone. So fear not. Dubai is still an extremely attractive place to set up your business – particularly now that office and residential accommodation costs have halved.

Unfortunately this week we were given another reason to avoid investing in publicly quoted companies in this Region. A review of ‘rationalisation’ options for Dubai has resulted in the likelihood that Emaar (once the largest publicly quoted property company in the world) being merged (or in Western words ‘take over the problems’) with Sama Dubai, Tatweer and Dubai Properties – all dogs with significant hidden and real liabilities. Apart from trying to frame an agreement that would appease Emaar shareholders how does one possibly even start to put a valuation on these ‘broken’ entities ?

OK let me get back to helping your dinner conversation tomorrow evening. At least for those of you not watching the final Lions vs South Africa rugby match. But to the point or should I say, the ‘conversation helper’. Did you know that your (and most peoples) brain accounts for 3% of your body weight. Now hold on there. Does that mean I should be trying to PUT ON weight rather than subjecting myself to a life of tortuous pain/exercise. And yet it (we are still talking about your brain) consumes 17% of your body’s energy. Unless you are a goldfish, where this would be ‘a waste’. Because a goldfish’s memory only lasts three SECONDS.

Now is THAT not a gem !!!

Or did you know that you consume NO calories by thinking hard – apparently. Or that 2 bananas a day will fully ‘power’ your brain – which does not provide with evidence as to why monkeys are not ruling the planet. Or are they !!! The Irish may contradict you !!!

Or did you know that every man’s small intestine is 22 foot long. Now THAT is impressive. Only the female mosquito bites. Or did we already cover that !!! Well THAT makes a lot of sense. Even in the insect world, the female is dangerous. I forgot to cover that below. Finally daydreaming for 15 minutes before a big meeting or presentation actually improves your focus and quality of task/presentation. So now you have an excuse if your boss asks ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?’

Dubai is a great place to live at the moment. All the promotional deals. And Jumeirah (or at least it’s loyalty programme – Sirius) have extended its 30% off your total food and drink bill for a further 3 months to September 30th. Some of the best food and drink (and service) – with a nice generous discount.

Nice to see Stephano is back at Pier Chic – the best and most romantic restaurant in Dubai.

The speed with which your career or status can be ‘adjusted’ (I guess like mine with the Irish Government) in this Region could not be more adequately highlighted than the recent collapse in fortune of my good friend Nasser Al Shaikh. From being one of the most trusted and senior government spokespersons, he has over the past 4 weeks been dumped from all board and executive assignments (the most recent being the chairmanship of Deyaar). I am not sure of the reason, but wish Nasser, a very likeable local, all the best in the future. And one never knows what ‘twist of life’ may reverse this recent ‘poor fortune’.

Finally Abu Dhabi introduced paid parking into the Emirate this week. I doubt it will make any difference to the fast wealth and financial reserves of Abu Dbabi, but it may help the dire parking problems in the city centre.

Finally finally Hong Kong are the latest major city to introduce a smoking ban in public places. And as was the case in most other parts of the world – the restaurants, bars, hotels etc are in full rebellion.

Property corner:

Yes it IS POSSIBLE to make money over the next 12 months. And returns in excess of 50% over this period. Property in Abu Dhabi and Jebel Ali are two examples.

But I am about to launch a Fund that invests in a range of business activities or companies in the UAE. This will give the Investor access to a range of service businesses – cleaning, hospitality and retail. For anybody interested let me know. While initial annual returns may only be c 15% I expect significant capital appreciation upside upon disposal – 3/5 years.

Dog Corner:

Lets just give it a skip this week. I am still getting too many ‘help me’ notes from people who have found themselves in ‘investment trouble’. And for many the best solution will be to ‘write off’ whatever has been invested.

Fun corner:

Here are some ‘not political’ one liners :

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says “Do you know the limit is 70?” The driver leans into the back and says “you heard the policeman - 3 of you get out”.

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. “B****s to that” said Paddy “that’s the last time I go lion dancing”

Sixty three Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IK EA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Tridixagen

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, “So why are you here?”

The brown Lab replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?”

The yellow Lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.” “So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab enquires.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too”, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper,” the black Lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away”

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”

The black Lab says ….”No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

A ’short one’ for you A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’ Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it’s much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.

‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’

Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………

(You’re going to love this………….. I think) . .

‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again Kristian’

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you …. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, ‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

Don ‘t look down.. Don ‘t look down. Don ‘t look down.

Currency corner:

Sterling has shown tired signs this week. About time. It is only the problems of Euroland (and the continued ‘confusion’ around the world) that are giving the currency some respectability. When the true condition of the UK economy is known, the correction could be up to 5%.

I am also convinced that we will see a recovery in the value of the US$. The impact of a possible credit downgrade and a broken US economy have weighed heavily on the value of the Greenback. As these concerns recede, I expect the currency to reverse recent weakness.

Equity corner:

Warnings of a correction to equity markets is starting to become a reality. Low volumes over the holiday months will exacerbate the volatility. So be careful. I will give you a more thorough appraisal of the market next week. If you really want my equity analysis have another look at last weeks ‘equity corner’.

For all you girls visitiing Dubai, THE place in town on Tuesday nights is the Westin – its Goddess night. So go join the other beautiful people.

Reflections from the week:

Where was Ronan O Gara ? Well I am sure the Lions coach, the man with a similar family name to my own, wondered why he left this Munster talent out of the team.

It made the difference between a win and a loss. But it is easy for my ‘armchair opinion’ to be expressed after the match was lost. Shame as now the Lions have a serious mountain to climb. If you forgive the pun. But lets light some candles before tomorrow’s game.

The unexpected death of Michael Jackson overnight warrants some comment. After all the money and effort employed to prolong his life and looks, the fact is that you cannot ‘cheat life’. And however strange he was or odious in some respects, he will remain a pop star who will be remembered for decades to come. As will his music. A black man in the Elvis category. Thriller is (51 million copies and 7 of its tracks went to No 1 – another record) still the biggest selling album of ALL time. Yes the 50 year old from Indiana will hopefully be remembered for the better things in his life.

Love, or some form of it, plays such a large role in our lives. Most of it remains below the public radar. Well at least until the newspapers get their teeth into a story. Here are just a few from this week. First a good friend of HT. Good old ‘Silly Berlusconi’ from our Italian desk.

He has just got his breath back from the visit of Libyan leader Gadaffi - with his army of big chested body guards – and the claimed ‘dalliance’ with an 18 year old model, when ‘suddenly’ another story breaks to spice up his reputation. This time he is alleged to have brought, and bought, a group of expensive Italian hookers around to his house. Wow Silly. Brave one. Your own home ?

But ‘our quick-thinking sex-maniac’ simply opted for the ‘clever’ defence of ‘I do NOT need to pay for women’.

Oh Ok. I guess that is conclusive proof of your innocence. You can see the journalists just packing up their bags and leaving you alone !!

You also to explain why Jacques Chirac (former French president) has told them that you ‘boasted’ to him of having ‘intimacy’ with many of these ‘professional girls’. Ouch. And I thought it was only women who ‘betrayed’ each other.

Another love story with a darker result was the death, by bullet, of a French man ( I was wondering why the French have been so ‘silent’ in all these sleazy epics. They are after all the Masters of ‘the Mistress’). Or to add some lipstick to the story, a billionaire.

The killer was his 10 year younger lover. Apparently he wanted her to return a $ 1 million gift he gave her.

He soon regretted THAT decision.

What is a girl to do in these ‘distressed’ circumstances ? 

Well the one ‘our girl’ choose was to put a bullet in his head. From 6 inches. Ouch.

And then another one. Just in case.

Quickly followed by two more. To be surer, as the saying goes.

Well her claim of a ‘crime of passion’ (a hugely successful and much used French case) was rejected by a French jury and verdict of MURDER was delivered.

Here is some more ’lipstick’ on the case  – the murderer was an ex-prostitute. The victim was strapped to a chair. Was wearing a latex bodysuit. And he called her a ‘whore’ just before the first bullet entered his skull. And he enjoyed ‘abuse’. Obviously she did not !! You think four years together would have alerted him to ‘this side of her’ !!

But thankfully these ‘little’ distractions did not deflect from the fact that a murder was committed.

Moving ever so gradually away from ‘love’ stories did you hear that the Wimbledon Organising Committee are about to introduce rules on ‘noisy women’ players.

Apparently these new ‘rules’ were considered necessary with the arrival onto the scene of the Portuguese teenager Michelle Larcher de Brito. Her 109 decibel ‘performance’ in Paris has shocked, or amused, many.

For those of you struggling to ‘audiolise’ how high that is, well just slightly below that of a jet taking off. So many other thoughts go across my mind. But I think I will just leave you to guess what they might be !!

A woman less noisy, as far as I know, is Oprah Winfrey. She celebrated her 55th (yes 55) birthday on Sunday. The ‘noisy’ part of her ‘bash’ was that she celebrated it in Barcelona …….. with 1,700 of her employees and families. And she is footing the entire bill. Three party-days in the city followed by a 10 day Med cruise. Cost ? Euro 5,000 per head.

Cheap on a per head basis. But a cool Euro 8.5 million. For a birthday that is not even a ‘big one’.

Another ‘big spender’ is our ‘old favourite’ Paris Hilton. She has won a fair bit of HT ‘airspace’ recently. Not that I have any fascination with the bimbo blonde (I am not really interested in being her ‘best friend’ in her Dubai version of her TV series) but she just puts her very pert nose everywhere. This week she claimed to be a role model for women.

How her brain editorially controlled that statement is beyond me. How could this self conceited air head put claim to a title like that. It has as much value as Mahmoud Ahmedinejad from Iran claiming to be a role model for members of the Knesset (the Jewish Parliament).

For those of you interested ‘her car’ in Dubai is a purple red Lamborghini.

Linked to Paris but on matters French, did you see the outrageous court ruling in relation to the contestants on a French reality TV programme. For those who may find some of the practices and customs of the Middle East strange, here is an alarm clock result for all Europeans.

Contestants in the French version of Temptation Island (you can bet that it is suitably ‘spiced up’ for a cultural audience that considers nudity as normal as drinking coffee) are to receive employment contracts, a basic salary of Euro 11,000 per month, overtime, holidays, pension rights and even damages for ‘wrongful’ dismissal. This should be interesting as the natural course of the show starts to eliminate some of those not wanted. Interesting that the French find themselves in the position of teaching the litigious Americans some ‘tricks’.

On the subject of reality TV how many ‘names’ can you remember from all the UK TV talent shows ? Difficult eh ? They tend to only last a year …………………… and then become disposable by Cowell and his gang of talent predators. Unlike the Promoters of these shows (estimated to be in excess of £900 million) there are only a very few of the ‘victims’ that actually become millionaires. Here are some for you. By far the most successful has been ……………………… yes Girls Aloud( Popstars – the Rivals) They have amassed personal fortunes in excess of £10 m. Others in the over £10 m category are Will Young (Pop Idol)and Leona Lewis (X Factor). After that the money really falls away rapidly. The late and beautiful Jade Goody (Big Brother) comes in number 4 with £7m and then Lemar (Fame Academy), Paul Potts (Britain’s Got Talent), Jane McDonald (The Cruise) and Mylenee Klass (Popstars) all on, or around, £3 million. I guess these ones are happy to be in the UK. As ‘an employee’ I suspect the salary would be a lot ‘lighter’.

Now to some matters local. The Dubai Metro service’s first official day for public use is now only 10 weeks away. An exciting moment for all of us in Dubai and for the many who will now have more freedom of movement across the Emirate. 59 kms long and linking the heart of ‘old Dubai’ to the Abu Dhabi border at Jebel Ali. And during peak times we will only have to wait 90 seconds for the next train. So no need to ‘push’ or fall into some of the other less mannerly Dubai practices.

And the excellent news is that the Dubai Government has been brilliant in the pricing of the service. Unlike the guys who priced the 4 kilometer Palm service at AED 2.50 (Euro 50 cents), the 59 km Dubai Metro will have a maximum price of AED 5.80 (if you use the electronic card) and a minimum price of just AED 1.80 (Euro 30 cents).

There is an interesting battle brewing in Dubai. Yes the Al Shuaa Investment Group – run by the Al Ghurair family – is being sued by the Dubai Government (or specifically Dubai Holdings). The $500 million at stake, fought between two extra powerful groups, makes the battle worth it.

Dubai’s position as a ‘tax alternative’ to the dwindling number of global ‘tax havens’ increases by the week. Particularly given the speed that President Obama (and German Government) are introducing anti-avoidance legislation and ‘closing’ previously popular ‘tax banks’.

Even Switzerland is ‘complying’ faster than most expected.

Dubai will by the end of next year have the largest retail space per capita in the world. The Emirate saw its position in the Global Retail Development Index (measuring retail investment attractiveness) improve by 16 slots over the past 12 months. It is now Number 4 – behind Russia, China and India. It also won the honour of being the country with the highest retail spend per capita – largely linked to its enormous tourist industry relative to the UAE population of just under 5 million.

You all know my strong belief that the ‘saving’ of the world is firmly linked to equity markets around the world. The stability, wealth creation and liquidity that we have all experienced over the past 3 months, is completely linked to the global equity bourses. We are now going into the ‘correction phase’ and being a hero is unwise. Better to take a holiday and enjoy it.

The fragility of the markets is best demonstrated by what has happened in the Russian market. Having fallen 81% in the 12 months to February, it then recovered 144% (yes 144%) in just 4 months. Over the past month it has given up 20% of this spectacular run – but is still up 80% from its January low. Such is the speed which God has given and chosen to give another ‘wake up’ call. So lets all just go away for the remainder of the Summer. Unless we have a 10% downward correction – which may be a buy opportunity.

The Dubai (DFM) also had an ugly week with a fall of 6%. Emaar, the heaviest component in the index, fell 7% - after having risen 100% over the past 3 months.

OK enough I have to go. See you next week.

Finally for all of us who thought of Filipino’s as small and not the ‘Mr Universe’ types, think again. Two young Filipino’s made a quick, and large, withdrawal from an ATM at a petrol station just south of Manila. The guys decided however not to use ‘their card’. Instead they took the ‘entire’ ATM. Yes they audaciously took the entire machine. The entire exercise took just two minutes. It took the police 10 minutes to arrest them. I am not surprised. It is difficult to put an ATM in the back of a Yaris !!!

Finally finally Kodak have taken one of its most famous and oldest product off the manufacturing line. Yes production of ‘Kodakcrome’ ceased on Opray’s 55th birthday. Without going into the technicalities, it was what most of us have used in ‘real cameras’ over the past 70 years.

Property corner:

For anybody who wants to have a totally safe ‘addition’ to his/her pension I have a Dubai commercial property transaction that has a fully let annual rental yield of 8% (with an upside to 11%) AND capital appreciation of up to 20%. It qualifies under all current UK and Irish Pension Rules and Legislation. It is also available for a ‘straight’ investor.

Dog Corner:

Unfortunately the Dog of the week trophy has, this week, to go to Nakheel. Again. Why are they going around bullying customers and suppliers. Are they not a ‘proxy’ for the Government of Dubai ?

And did people entering various relationships with them not view them as this ?

Fun corner:

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea .

It is raining and the little town looks totally deserted.

It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that in these hard times, gave her “services” on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering. I didn’t get one either.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune.

Someone screams, “Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!”

A guy rushes to the phone and answers it.

He engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes, I am.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models for next year. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’ve come down $10,000 and now they are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an offer?”

MAN: “Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers.”

WOMAN: “OK, Honey! Now you’re talking! I can’t wait to see you later! Look for me upstairs and don’t be long! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

While on the subject here are a few quick ‘marriage jokes’ – if that expression is not a contradiction !! Some are old ones.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere…but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked. “Yes!” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women Here were my favourites from last weeks ‘put down’ expressions.

Yes because I am a bit short of ‘comedy’ this week.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

23. And your cry-baby whiny-a.r.s.e.d opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a fu**ing people person to you?

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

51. Don’t believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring.

Currency corner:

I guess you are now starting to understand why I regularly explain the risks of currency predictions. While I still believe the US$ will recover some of its appeal, short term the ‘bears’ who believe the Chinese and Oil Nations will abandon their support for the Greenback. And that it will be joined as a ‘reserve currency’ by the Euro. Not in the next 5 years do I believe this is a reality. They also argue that a ‘credit status revision’ is imminent. AND that the American Government has borrowed too much to support ‘inefficiencies’ in its economic model. Well once again I don’t expect any credit downgrade and in relation to the borrowing story the US could repay the ENTIRE of what it put into the banking/financial system by just increasing the price of petrol by 50 cents per gallon. Yes THE LOT. And with many of these banks already wanting to repay the TARP money much of this government ‘borrowing’ should be taken out of the intellectual and emotional case against the Dollar

As for Sterling. Can ANYBODY give me the current valuation argument ? The economic news, with the possible exception of the bottoming in the housing market, is dire. And the true cost of the Governments ‘subsidy/support’ strategy has not come anywhere near the end. When this becomes clearer and the other economic woes (not to speak about the political mess) gather momentum I believe you will see a 5/7% fall in the currency’s value. The only saviour for it at the moment is the relative weaknesses of other economies – notably Euroland. But prepare yourself for the ‘snapback’. Sterling is still the MOST overvalued currency in the world.

Equity corner:

Ok we are now into the most dangerous cycle in any analysis of equity trading. Summer equals lower volumes. Lower volumes equals volatility. A near 30% rise in global equity indices over the past 9 weeks equals correction likely – not to old lows but a possible 10% correction to the downside. Most of the good economic news and the benefits of various government stimulus packages are now in the system or their benefits discounted. Governments cannot continue to provide the fiscal and monetary stimuli at the rate we have experienced over the past 6 months. Sovereign borrowings around the planet are breaking through all the ‘prudence points’. Continued weakness in tax revenues and social welfare outflows will give little relief over the next 12 months. So servicing existing borrowings is already proving challenging for most of them. Some will fall. And then we have inflation. And corporate earnings that may disappoint. And continued global economic contraction. Bank credit will remain restricted as the best banks struggle with wholesale/retail funding, capital rebuilding and a new era of regulation. Yes difficult times ahead. So let us be very careful. My stock pick this week ? I think the market will have a major correction. So avoid. Unless you want to ‘go short’ in which case I suggest one of the resource stocks.

The Dubai Summer Shopping Festival is now in full swing. So take advantage of some great savings and the weaker US$. The little ‘yellow man’ - who is the symbol or character of the Festival - is called Modesh.

Reflections from the week:

Now my closest friend in the world (well sorta !!) arrives this morning in Dubai. Along with his son and friend. So time this week will be short. But you are an understanding crew. And probably could find something else productive to do with your time. If not you can always read this edition twice !!

I have also left the ‘content’ a little less serious this week. No great economic lectures or berating the Irish Government for its complete neglect of the economy. Amen

Anyhow as an Evertonian (its a football team, girls), I always like to hear some Wayne Rooney (he is a footballer, girls) jokes. This is one that I came across during the week. And I felt, because I CAN, that I would put it into the ‘Reflections’ section.

‘Now that Colleen Rooney (his wife, girls) is expecting her first child, how lovely to hear that Wayne has become a bit of a new man during his wife’s pregnancy. He’s started doing his share of the chores, and apparently even helped with the laundry this week.

WHAT a guy !!

Picture the scene :

Wayne ‘’what setting do I use for the washing machine, Sweetheart’

Coleen ‘That depends. What does it say on the shirt, Honey?’

Wayne ‘Duh England, STUPID !!

Get it ?????????????????

And lets not move too fast from ‘intelligent English footballers’. Well at least their spouses.

Posh (David Beckham’s ‘thing’) was, last week, seen wearing some outlandish bouncing pom-poms – no, not the ones on her chest, we all know ‘they’ don’t bounce - at a local LA shopping mall (imagine she was there at the same time as Christiano Ronaldo was ‘getting to know’ Paris Hilton. Why were they not out together !!). No these were pom-pom anklets (little bands around her ankles). How stupidly cute. But in her case they probably have some ‘guidance mechanism’ to remind her how to walk.

Apparently David uses them occasionally as ‘fashion wrist bands’. But given she has ‘no wrists’, she had to find another use for them. If you were a fashion designer wouldn’t you just love the Beckhams. They could create a fashion from having carrots growing from their noses.

And sure why don’t we stick with ‘dummies’ for at least one more paragraph. The ‘naturally ‘ blonde Paris Hilton arrived in Dubai this week. Despite the devastating break up from her boyfriend (or ‘bf’ as the younger people label it). Remember we covered this last week. Anyhow she arrived for a four week filming of her reality show ‘Paris Hilton : My New Best Friend Forever – Dubai’. Poor girl. NO NOT Paris. The Winner !!!

Where is she staying ? Well I don’t usually give that type of info away. BUT you can ask the receptionist at the Intercontinental Hotel in Festival City. Hehehehe.

The Burj al Arab apparently has new ‘tests’ for guests who want to stay at the hotel. They absolutely insist that you can complete the standard customer detail registration form AND that you can sign your name !!! So poor Paris had to find another hotel.

Another PARIS was on show this week. The Paris Air Show. As opposed to the Paris Air(head) Show going on in Dubai. Now the ‘coffee stories’ doing the rounds are that ‘transaction traffic’ was very light. And the ONLY headlines worth reporting relate to ……………………………….. yes you guessed it, the activity of the Middle East airlines. Etihad (Abu Dhabi) $5 billion engine deal with GE, Qatar $4 billion new aircraft purchase. And a number of other small $1 billion + exchanges. So be in no doubt. The giants of the airline industry in the years ahead will be include most of the Middle Eastern franchises.

Dubai this week was ‘shoock’ by another murder. You will have to be alert and caffeine-full to understand the basis of this one.

The background is a guy who was having an affair (brave guy considering the possible penalties here). His understandably upset girlfriend, was not happy. And so ‘the murder’ was ‘inevitable’. Well that’s the way we deal with things here !!!

Yes so the boyfriend (ie bf) appeared in court this week. No, not his corpse. HE in PERSON. Yes it was the poor gf, who was murdered.

Apparently she had the ‘nerve’ to confront him. And express her anger. Death by knife was the decision of the bf.

Thankfully a post mortem proved it could not have been suicide as the police had initially thought. So there is the happy ending.

Now thankfully there are no such ‘penalties’ in Italy. You can pretty much do whatever you want with whoever you want and ‘age’ (and in many cases gender) is not an obstacle.

Maybe its more to do with the ‘understanding’ nature of the Italian women. Docile souls.

And Mr Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, has a VERY FULL understanding of Italian women !!! So much so that his cruelly tortured wife has once again been asked to pretend she does not have eyes (or a loving heart) and forgive him for the ‘rumour’ that he is romantically linked (the unfair Italian press uses the more graphic description of ‘steamy affair’) to an 18 year old (Oh and 16 days) nymphet. Of course ‘Silly’ (as he is known to us) opted for the standard male defence in such circumstances. Deny. And Deny again.

He is however having some difficulty in explaining to his ‘listening wife’ (and a more ‘suspicious’ Italian electorate) the expensive necklace he bought Noemi (what a lovely name for a puppy-love mistress) for her birthday. Yeah, THAT might be a bit tricky ……………. and the ‘denial’ option is not really used in such circumstances. Well done, Silly, I am sure all this will help you in this months European elections. You can always claim that you were trying to win the ‘youth vote’ !!!

Now as we have seen above people/genders/cultures respond differently to ‘moments of stress and tension’. And so the UAE’s decision to withdraw from the GCC monetary union (expected to commence in 2010) has ‘upset’ Saudi Arabia. The Saudi response ? Well they changed the ‘paper clearing’ processes for all exports from the UAE that have to go through Saudi.

Result ? 40 kilometer long ‘truck parks’ at the Saudi/UAE border. Some trucks only travelling 2 kilometres in 16 hours.. Wow even I walk faster than that. All this in Summer temperatures – with limited quantities of water and food. About 27% of the UAE’s ‘export’ trade goes through Saudi. Mmmmmm !!! Difficult one. I will keep you posted.

Now with all this ‘emotional stuff’ did you know that from 722 students surveyed at Kings College London, more than 55% did not know where the human heart is. NO STUPID, they knew it was in the ‘chest area’, but 55% ‘guessed’ the wrong side. I hope the survey was not done in the medical faculty.

For the record IT is on the left side of the sternum.

Interestingly 86% knew where their intestines were. That a relief !!!!

Dubai’s charm offensive on ‘Global Corporate’ continued this week with a Government promise to reduce many licensing and operational fee’s for new businesses setting up in the Emirate. Many fee’s will be reduced by up to 30%. Nice one Sheikh Mo.

The Strata Laws are also building implementation momentum. So hopefully we will soon see reductions in the ridiculously expensive property service charges.

Well it is many weeks since I wrote about the financial demise of Gordon Ramsay (GR) – the celebrity chef. At the time a certain Irish journalist (whose husband was going through some ‘financial gymnastics’ himself) accused me of not knowing what I was talking about. And that not unlike my ‘error’ in relation Gordy, I was hopelessly ‘stupid’ when it comes to understanding her husbands business affairs.

But at least my ‘mistake’ (the one in relation to Gordy) has now been proven to be ‘on the money’. Young Gordy is seemingly better with women than he is with the other type of ‘figures’. His restaurant empire had to be rescued by ‘a friend’. And the true extent of his problems has been disguised and hidden by the use of the ‘bully’ celebrity Solicitors at Schillings. A slight embarrassment that now needs sorting-out amongst the Partners.

But back to Gordy. All that was needed to solve ‘the problem’ was £ 5 million. Ah that’s OK Gordon, I thought that you had some REAL financial problems !! I did not realise that a mere £5 million would sort it out. Just as well you still have friends with some money. Unlike my friend in Ireland !!!

The ‘bluefin tuna’ has swam its way into life in Dubai. This dangerously close to extinction fish has been at the centre of criticism at the Atlantis Hotel – where it appears on the Nobu menu. A well organised local campaign has resulted in it being removed.

I wonder if we headed over to ‘Gordy’s Place’ at the Hilton would he have any. Or do the companies new financial disciplines prevent such excesses.

Thankfully the Westin does not have the bluefin or any other species that is disappearing from our Earth.

Have you seen recent photographs of Colonel Gaddafi – a man who has no money problem?? The eccentric Libyan leader – who has 40 large breasted virgin women as his body guards – uses more hair dye than I am sure would be needed in some terrorist style bombs.

But I suppose at 67 it is difficult to keep your hair at its ‘natural’ colour. Anyhow last weeks European newspapers had many photo’s of the Colonel with our old friend ‘Silly’ from Italy. Yeah good old Silvio was at Rome airport to interview some virgins.

No, I am joking………………………… they are far too old for him.

But surely Maddie Gaddafi upstaged even the eccentric Roman greats of Nero and Caligula as he arrived in THREE Airbuses (for Airbus you can substitute chariots in Nero and Caligula’s cases). With a 300 person entourage. He brought an enormous Bedouin tent – which he was allowed to erect in a park at the centre of the City.

But it was his carefully gelled hair and dye that made him look every bit as mad as his reputation. He looked a cross between Phil Spector and Michael Jackson. Bizarre.

He also wore a picture on his army uniform – along with the many ‘bravery’ medals – of a Libyan resistance leader who had been hanged by Italian colonialists in 1931. Nice one ‘Maddie’. So much for a ‘diplomatic’ mission.

And just before I leave you for the beach, with Ciaran and his entourage, you know that I have been a bewildered spectator of the destruction of the British Houses of Parliament over the expenses affair. As I said before, your house is on fire and you continue washing kitchen floor because it iis dirty. Well there is a part of the expenses saga which is irritating if you are a British taxpayer. Here are some of the items MP’s have claimed for – eight sachets of mulled wine (£3), Fox’s crinkle biscuits (67 pence), two bath sponges (74 pence), stainless steel dog bowl (£1.49), boxes of matches (44 pence) and lots lots more. So yes maybe some of these guys need to be given an early shower !!

Finally did you know that officially the ONE MILLIONTH word in the English language is ‘Web 2.0’. Yep, the world has gone silly. YOU try getting that into a sentence in the pub tonight.

Finally finally did you know that 1 in 3 South African men responded to a recent survey by admitting they had raped a woman. WHAT. 33% ?.Is this for real. If so then all next years World Cup footballers had better leave their WAGS at home. Can you imagine 40 teams by 20 footballers per team and a further entourage of 20 per team by lets say 50% with WAGS. That would mean that about 800 of the ‘travelling women’ could get raped by these criminally rampant donkeys.

Property corner:

There has never been a better time to invest Jebel Ali or Abu Dhabi. I won’t bore you with the reasons this week (cause I am in a rush) but the 12 month investment returns will be in excess of 50%.

Dog Corner:

The Dubai RERA (Real Estate Regulatory Authority) was established to provide an independent balance to the Dubai property market. In doing so it would assist in building a confidence amongst foreign investors – essential to Dubai’s aspirations of transparency and honesty.

Well it now appears that this mandate has been burnt in a way pictures of George Bush were destroyed in the streets of Tehran. Rera will help and work to its mandate PROVIDED it is NOT a Government owned/controlled Developer. What a real shame. So if you are looking for honesty and openness in relation to any of these companies, don’t upset yourself. Its NOT going to happen.

Fun corner:

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’

A : Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo

I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ’so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ‘.

 Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple…….it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’ ‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long - long pause, and then Chris Tarrant screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!!!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. ‘You were fookin brilliant Paddy. Brilliant.  How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?

‘Jasus Mick, it was a real easy one for £1 million. I could not believe it when you phoned and asked me such an easy question. For f**ks sake you should have known yourself that a fookin cookoo lives in a clock and has no interest in a nest or house !!’

Here are some great and true statements by golfers - sorry girls. Just skip the next 20 lines.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen. ~ Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best ~ Jack Nicklaus

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

THE MARRIAGE TEST.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend ? She was a dream !

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her older sister.

I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future mother-in-Law was standing outside. With tears in her eyes she hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family…!”

The moral of this story is ……………………… ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR ….

Here is a bit of ‘humour’ about Dubai and living here :

1 Beware the man who uses indicators, for he is new to Dubai’s roads.

2 Cleanliness of a taxi is inversely proportionate to the amount of time you have to spent in it.

3 You have no control over traffic, only over your tolerance levels.

4 Lie to me once – shame on you. Lie to me twice – never reading that paper again.

5 If you can afford to get tipsy, you can afford to tip taxi drivers.

6 Pedestrian crossings are dares, not suggestions.

7 If there’s no honk after a milisecone at a green light the driver behind you has died.

8 A cab at the door is worth two booked on the phone.

Here are 52 things (dont worry once you start they will not seem long) you need to say at work! They are really excellent and some can be used socially

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of c.r.a.p.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your t.a.m.p.o.n?

7 I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a s.h.i.t.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-a.r.s.e.d opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a fu**ing people person to you?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s H.e.l.l with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door ………1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren’t you a black hole of need.

42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth..

46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I’d really like to hang you.

51. Don’t believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. As I love you, also.”

Currency corner:

So finally some life in the US$. The ‘over-sold’ position is starting to correct. And a good week against the increasingly damaged European economy – and what is happening in Latvia will only increase the pressure on the Euro. Now what we have to wait for is a correction in the value of Sterling. I mean how can you have a ‘dead man walking’ government, a country which is on ‘credit review’, an economy where unemployment and all financial health measures are in ‘sick bay’ and YET have a currency that looks like Mr Universe. Not logical. But as I have said many times, international currency movements are not logical.

But if you want to make some money over the next FOUR months, then GO straight to the currency shop and SELL Sterling The US$ will continue to strengthen over the Summer months. Its economy is recovering. Many major Sovereign Powers have restated their support for the $ as THE global Reserve Currency

Equity corner:

Well we had a couple of ‘shivers’ this week. The Dow Jones had two days where it had a fall of more than 100 points. And for most of the rest of the week, it travelled side-ways. I am glad to report that this new ‘caution’ in the markets caused an Investor drift back towards ‘defensive’ stocks with safe dividend cover. Hence my tip of last week, Vodafone, had a ‘stellar’ week and rose 6%. Yes a full 6%.

This week I will go for Sainsbury. Good set of financial results but a badly managed equity raising caused the price to fall 7% on the announcement. The Qatari Government own 19% of the equity and I believe they will someday go for a full takeover. So worth the investment at £3.13. Safe, good trading results and the possible M&A story are compelling buy characteristics.

The deals available in Dubai hotels over the Summer months are amazing. The Shangri La for instance is available at Euro 80 per night. Excellent

Reflections from the week:

There you are. I spend 48 hours in the ‘Irish Summer’ and I come back to Dubai with a cold that usually only afflicts victims in Winter. So much for the beautiful weather over the week before I arrived. All forgotten.The Winter-style winds and rain welcomed me and my weakened Arab body succumbed.

Now I have to check whether a combination of this cold/flu and some bacon/sausages that my aunt had lovingly gave me for breakfast (when I was at at home, in case you have lost the story sequence) has resulted in me being hit by this ‘Swine Flu’ thing. After all you know where I live. And you can guess what the ‘repercussions’ could be !!!

Anyhow worry not. I still have enough strength to compose and write Home Thoughts.

So lets start slowly and test you with a little ‘teaser’.

Did you know That every US President has been white, except one (Yeah, OK that’s the easy one)

BUT did you know that

Every US President has been married, except one Or

Every US President has been raised in the Protestant faith, except one Or

Every US President has spoken English as his first language, except one Or

Every US President has been voted in as President or Vice President, except one Or

Every US President went to school, except one Or

Every US President has either finished his term or died in office, except one.

NOW I will leave it up to you to give the answer in each case. Imagine having a President who did not go to school.

Unfair I know, but you have the Internet to help you !!!!!

On matters ‘local’ Emirates Airlines will be report a profit for the year. A super achievement given how airlines around the world have been destroyed. And ‘NO’ Emirates are NOT subsidised. Meanwhile the Bank of the same(ish) name, EmiratesNBD, is starting to feel the pain of ‘excessive’ lending (you can work out yourself what nationalities benefitted – it certainly was NOT those nationalities with a culture of repaying debt !!!). ‘Non Performing Loans’ (or NPL’s as we in the trade call them) have raced (although a spokesperson for Emirates prefers to use the word ‘inched up’) into double digits. Not good news for anybody looking for loans at the moment. However Amlak, the mortgage specialist, has changed the basis on which it will finance project instalments. Instead of paying per the Purchase Agreement, it will now only pay Developers against construction progress/success. While logical, it does seem a little ‘illegal’ to switch the rules half way through the game. It was surprising however to know that Amlak have 42 ‘approved Developers’. If this is true, well done Amlak. Can we now just have some statement on when you will be back in the mortgage lending game. The Dubai Government is to be congratulated on the speed with which it is amending labour laws on the living conditions under which construction and other workers live. Personal space, sanitary conditions etc are all addressed and will make an enormous impact on people living in Labour Camps. One of the benefits of this Region is that such decisions can be made and implemented in hours/days. And finally on local news-bits, the UAE Government has once again reiterated its decision to withdraw from GCC Monetary Union. You may remember the ‘debate’ came to a head some weeks ago when the UAE withdrew due to a decision to have the GCC Central Bank in Saudi Arabia.

One sad story from Dubai this week was the tragic death of a young Eastern European woman from her apartment balcony in Discovery Gardens (DG). The girl was allegedly practicing ballet on her balcony when she lost her balance and fell two storeys. DG is rapidly becoming a place NOT to live. There have been FOUR deaths in the area over the past six months.

Now many of you have probably been the victim of chain emails that demand/request that you forward the email to one/more of your friends and some ‘gift or benefit’ will happen you within the following days.

Well here is a response that Billy Connolly (the Scottish comedian) has given to these ‘attacks’ on our personal lives.

‘Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send ‘his’ email?

How stupid are you ?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a load of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fuck ‘em!!

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I’ve seen all the ’send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being’ forwards about 90 times.

I don’t fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these ‘forwards’. Chances are, it’s your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life ……………………………………. just fu**in delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

P.S. Send me 15 quid and then fuck off.’ Yes for those of us who know Billy, this is definitely him !!!

Now somebody similarly passionate was in the headlines this week.

‘Jordan is in meltdown’. No this is nothing to do with the economic condition of the country. Or its weather conditions. No it is more to do with THE WOMAN. The big breasted one. The page 3 one. Yes it appears that she is not responding well to her break-up with the singing heartthrob, Peter Andre. It appears that Peter is taking the break-up so much better. Well he would. He has got out of jail.

Jordan is meanwhile shedding her tears through any newspaper that will listen.

Another guy who rushed for the exit, is Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Doug. Apparently Doug’s blood ‘chilled’ when Paris announced on US TV that he would be ‘her next husband’.

I hope you made it to the door mate !!!!

In any event she seems to have ‘recovered’ from the rebuff. There she is on the front page of this morning’s Sun newspaper (who previously loved Jordan) comatose in the arms of another petulant wealthy star, Christiano Ronaldo. In a LA night club.

I hope she does not cancel her scheduled trip to Dubai, where she is to due to film the latest link in her Reality TV show, BFF.

With my good friend Lee, well connected to footballers is our Lee, now being single, Paris is just the type of girl he needs. And wait till she hears that he owns an entire estate of Waterhomes in PJA !!!

But I guess even Lee cannot compete with Christiano. Lee thought I was talking Dirhams when I mentioned that ’Christy’  would be earning 580,000 per week. He went a little pale when I had to tell him the currency was Sterling.

But at least Lee’s popularity in the pubs and clubs of Manchester remains unaltered. The ‘Not Wanted’ posters on Christiano across the city suggest that his childish behaviour has justifiably earned him ‘good riddance’ status.

Adios Christiano but thanks for skill and entertainment you did bring to the English game.

One final comment on this LA nightclub event. The Sun headline reads ‘Christiano’s night IN Paris’. My information suggests that they each went their separate way home. You may have to think about that one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And another rumour doing the ‘bar rounds’ is that Brad and Angelina are not going to see each other again – well you know what I mean. Their relationship is ‘in the morgue’. No not possible, I hear you excitedly shout. They looked so happy at the Cannes Film Festival. Only three weeks ago. So what is this scurrilous scandalous story about. Gutter journalism ? No, it seems it IS true.

The word that Lee is SINGLE seems to be spreading faster than Swine Flu around the world. I just wonder when Angelina is due in Dubai. AND what are they going to do with all their children. Now I know an orphanage ……………………………………. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When does a LOSER become a WINNER. Well a Young 23 year old in South Dakota was a man who was under enormous financial stress. Payment arrears were part of the family culture. As was unemployment. And a small farm when could be mistaken for being derelict. Yes this unfortunate ‘loser’ (in the kindest of meanings) was about to experience the ‘other side of life’. He bought some ticket in some US raffle and guess what ? Yes the ticket won. And the jackpot was rather more than he had ever dreamt off. A ‘yippee’ figure of $232,100,000. And where did he come from. Well that little town in South Dakota was appropriately named, Winner. Well done

A little ‘joke’ that I saw during the week involved a 4 year old angelic daughter kneeling beside her bed and saying her nightly prayers.

After the usual ‘God bless Mummy and Daddy and Granny etc she added “And dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer, Amen.”

I am not sure if I understand this. Perhaps I should ‘dust down’ some old economic or arithmetic books , assuming I can get my Mum to show me where in the attic they are, but if there are 400,000 on the unemployed social welfare payroll and the ‘working population’ is 2.1 million, how do the politicians conclude that results in a 12% unemployment statistic. Strange arithmetic, but I guess when you are struggling for a career and survival.

And so I can now tell you that the OFFICIAL unemployment rate in Ireland is TWELVE per cent. And NOT any higher. There is NO NEED to wake up.

Just one little ‘financial quickie’. Some readers have asked me how banks around the world are making so much money at the moment, particularly given so many of them do not seem to be lending money. Well it has all to do with Governments. Unfortunately in the well intentioned move to provide market stability and liquidity, they provided banks around the world with a ‘one way bet’. The banks borrow ‘short’ (ie short end of the market) and lend the same money, without any risk, out into the ‘long end’ of the market – where the interest rates are higher. Safe , easy and very profitable.

And one other slightly less useful piece of financial information. Did you know that more than TWENTY FIVE per cent of the dividends paid by FTSE companies (the UK’s top 100 companies) is accounted for by just TWO of this 100. Yes Shell and BP account for 26% of total dividends paid.

Are any of you, like me, a bit more concerned about flying. In aircraft. I mean did you ever know that there is a very small ‘speed window’ where an airplane can fly successfully through a bad storm ? No me neither. And WHAT were Air France doing when not including the vital ‘alarm system’ in their fleet. I don’t care how cheaply they can fly me to Dublin. I will stick with those ‘thieves’ at Etihad.

Finally a question. When did Italy change from being a Monarchy to being a Republic ? Go on have a guess …………………. in your head. Roughly. Are you in the last century or the century before or even going back to the 1,700’s ? Well it is only 63 years ago – 1946. Even Ireland was a Republic before Italy. So how do you feel about that entirely unrelated piece of knowledge !!

Finally finally as confirmation of my previous declaration that the worst was over and that the GCC Region (and UAE) are in ‘rapid repair phase’, a recent survey showed that over 50% of companies in the Region will be increasing their staff numbers in the next 6 months.

Property corner:

Abu Dhabi al Reem Island. For an investment yield in double digits and 12 month capital appreciation in excess of 50%, I will have to put this on your investment map. HOWEVER ONLY for properties that will be ready for occupation by the end of 2009.

Dog Corner:

I was going to write an update on the Service Charges on the Golden Mile. Yeah again. Well now it seems you are going to have to pay for use of the swimming pool and gym. On TOP of the exorbitant costs already levied. But enough of poor IFA, who did do me a favour recently and I am very grateful.

No this weeks DOG AWARD has to go to Nakheel.

Yes this company which seems not to care about its loyal customers/investors (or indeed the damage it inflicts on the image of Dubai internationally) has decided to suspend transfers on Palm Jebel Ali – AGAIN.

As a precursor to a further suspension of the ‘final’ delivery date, Nakheel has once again given the ‘finger’ to its customer base. The properties that were originally to be delivered in 2008 will now be ‘available’, barring a further disaster, sometime in 2012/2013 – by which time some of its customers will unfortunately have died and never have had the chance to live in the villa they dreamed of.

And now the rumour is that it will only recommence transfers when 60% of the new payment schedule is paid. Yes SIXTY PER CENT – and there will not even be a dent in the sand on which your house was to be built. WHERE in the real world would such a customer abuse be condoned or permitted.

The suspension of transfers will, which again had NO warning from Nakheel, have NO ’final’ date. Given that we are entering the Summer months and then Ramadan, it is likely to be October before any investor will be able to release any cash from their investment.

Fun corner:

Wisdom Of A Retiree:

I’ve often been asked, “What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?”

“Well .. I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, whisky, vodka, and margaritas into urine.”

And not unrelated –

BARTENDER: Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!

PIRATE: What do you mean? I feel fine.

BARTENDER: What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.

PIRATE: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.

BARTENDER: Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

PIRATE: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. Then, I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.

BARTENDER: What about the eye patch?

PIRATE: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

BARTENDER: You’re kidding! You lost an eye just from bird shit?

PIRATE: It was my first day with the hook!

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”

“No, it’s turned BLACK.

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband : “I was looking for the expiry date

Two little 10 year olds were madly in love. Bruce decided that the time had come to ask Jenny’s dad for permission to marry her.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’

Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little 5hit is adorable…

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Campbell!”

The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just love lawyers?

A guy calls a dieting company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but shorts and a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but shorts and Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’.

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program and there is a FULL REFUND of the fee of $5,000 if the weight loss is not achieved. ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone. ‘This is our most rigorous program and it is very expensive.’ ‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’ He was silently determined not only to get the benefit of the weight loss but also to avoid paying the fee, by not ‘completing’ the full course and just dropping short of the targeted 50 lb weight loss.

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular tatooed guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ‘If I catch you, your ass is mine.’ He lost 63 pounds that week.

Currency corner:

A mild reprimand from one of my very good friends, and an unfortunate believer in my currency predictions, reminded me of the need to re-print a health warning on what you read in Currency Corner.

I have on many occasions stated that of all the predictions that are made on the future, and despite very sophisticated analytical tools, ones on currencies are the ones that are likely to let you down most often.

Even ‘masters’ in the currency arena have learnt a level of modesty, and caution, not seen in any other ‘professions’. It is an alligator-infested pond. And so when I give you my predictions, I have to warn you that I have NO TRAINING in currency trading other than having worked in banking, I know the inherent perils. I do however make my recommendations with full knowledge of economic data, global interest rates movements and trends, political issues and trade flows. It is therefore frustrating when this vase reservoir of knowledge cannot help you make money or, at a minimum, gain a positive reputation.

This week is a case in point. Rotten production figures from Germany, two further European nations go into recession, two others needing urgent World Bank/IMF financial support and a continued deterioration across Europe. Against this we have had continued evidence, supported by Government statements, that the USA is ‘repairing’, fast. And what happens ? The Euro STRENGTHENS against the US currency.

Equity corner:

Another logic defying week. I hope none of you suffer from Vertigo. Even me as a positive-thinking Bull, has concerns about how fast the equity-world seems to have repaired itself. This is simply as illogical and unsubstantiated as the sell-off in the early part of 2009. Remember the largest contributor to the asset inflation over the past 10 years was gearing or access to large amounts of debt.

This will NEVER happen again in the lives of Home Thoughts readers. Lessons learnt, regulators and the cost of these excesses will ensure this.

So why are most equity markets up over 25% (Russia is up 85%) in just 9 weeks ? Well that is what I am saying. Totally illogical. So be careful.

The levels of unemployment around the world and the ability to ‘resurrect employment’ will ensure subdued demand for many years to come. And people will be far more cautious this time. They will not repeat the expenditure excesses of the last decade nor will they be tempted by easy credit. So now is the time to enjoy the Summer (Northern Hemisphere readers) and pocket your profits.

We can look at the market again in late August For a short term trade our old favourite Vodafone is again good value at £1.12. When the free cash flow of the business is fully understood more analysts will become fans. My valuation target is £1.45

there are many excellent value promotional deals in restaurants across the Emirate. Make sure you get to know where they are.

Reflections from the week:

It’s 5 am. And it’s ALL for you. Despite being in an ‘unfriendly’ timezone. So please be appreciative of the extent to which I put you all first in my life.

Well its now OFFICIAL. What Home Thoughts readers have known for some weeks, is now endorsed by HSBC. Yes, the Dubai property market is in recovery mode. A FULL FIVE PER CENT increase in the MONTH of April. AND further increases in May. Well let us again be the first to ‘lead the news-pack’. In my view price increases between now and year end in the PRIME Dubai locations will rise a further FIFTEEN PER CENT. And the Palm Jebel Ali rebound that I have been talking about for weeks is now visible to all. The ‘players’ in Dubai are now fully focussed on this location and project. While there is expected to be another handover deferral announcement from Nakheel over the next four weeks, the gap between Palm Jumeirah prices, which have jumped 20% over the past four weeks, PJA are extreme and continues to represent the most enormous profit and investment opportunity available – on the entire planet.

Remember you can get a 5 bed 5,000 sq ft detached villa with private swimming pool and beach front, for just Euro 500,000.

And as this confidence builds momentum the collateral impacts are also rebuilding. Companies are starting to recruit again and this will quickly benefit the beleaguered bars and restaurants who have suffered from the downturn. The recovery is also being assisted by Government declarations that water, electricity, municipality etc charges will be frozen and in a number of cases, reduced. Finally the Regional Stock Markets have experienced recoveries similar to the rest of the world. And the improvement in oil prices certainly helps.

Yes Dubai (and Abu Dhabi) are back on the ‘investment appeal’ map. The severe residential stock shortage in Abu Dhabi (a position that is likely to last for 3 years), I like the projects on Al Reem Island that will be delivered in 2009. I reckon the 12 month capital appreciation to be 30% + and rental yields of 15% will be achievable.

Now rather than make this a ‘subsidiary’ of Property Corner, I will STOP.

So lets have some of the international stories of the week. Susan (Boyle) sensationally loses the final of Britain’s Got Talent. Don’t worry Susan, you are the ONLY act that will make money for Smiling (well you would do this a lot if you had invested as much money in your mouth as he has) Simon Cowell. The winners, Diversity, were good but I suspect won on a ‘protest’ vote, and will NEVER make the sort of money the music industry can. But congrats to the Diversity and thanks for the originality.

Then we had another ‘sensation’. Everton losing to Chelsea in the FA Cup Final. In the interest of maintaining the interest of my female readers, I will just say, a VERY SAD moment for us Evertonians.

The Lions were lucky to win their first test in South Africa – what do you think girls ?

A guy battered to death his millionaire girlfriend (who made this money from selling tomatoes, if you don’t mind) to death in a £1,000 a night Paris hotel. Then he ‘skipped’ away in his 911 Porsche. Without paying the bill. How crass.

And we had the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. Which Chinese authorities still ‘hide’.

 David Carradine (of Kung Fu fame) died in ‘kinky’ circumstances in the worlds ‘kinky capital’, Bangkok.

Gordon Brown is about to die in less kinky circumstances although his ego would probably prefer to ‘expire’ in that way rather than being remembered as the worst UK Prime Minister ever. I told you last week that the UK political system is now in complete meltdown. Only shock is what is Sterling doing so strong.

And finally this week the awful plane disaster off the Brazilian coast. The six Irish involved made the tragedy makes it even more impactful. Shame that we will never know what caused the crash. But it does bring it home to us all that ‘you never know the moment or the day’.

America’s Greatest President has come to visit his Muslim friends in the Middle East. The charm offensive seems to have worked nicely. Except for that cretin Osama Bin Laden. Is this prat alive or not. If he is ‘come out and be a man’. But thankfully ‘his sort’ is losing any core support he had. A bit like, thankfully, the repugnant Taliban. How ‘their’ way of life could appeal to any sane soul is beyond my Western education. At least the good people of Pakistan are now starting to ‘push’ them from their ‘land’. Well done my good friends from Pakistan.

But going back to Barack. What a truly Great man. The feedback from the Islamic world has been positive. And hopefully history will write him up this way. And you are welcome to Dubai the next time you visit the Middle East.

One person who has, unlike many of the men in her life, had her heart won over by Dubai, is the gorgeous, if you can ignore the fingers, Penelope Cruz. She visited as part of her rehabilitation from her most recent relationship disaster with her fellow Hollywood star Javier Bardem. Yeah Dubai is just so so good on so many fronts !!!

I seem to have developed some medical credentials of recent weeks. And here is another ‘gem’ for you. Curries do NOT cause you to gain weight. No this is not the findings of some local take-waay. No it is a group of American scientists who have concluded that the flavouring Turmeric, an ingredient in most Indian curries, actually ‘fights’ obesity. On reflection I must say I DO believe Indian curries do have ‘weight losing’ characteristics. But more to do with visits to the bathroom rather than the presence of Turmeric.

My financial analysis qualities were also reinforced this week with the disclosure (by Anglo Irish Bank) of the ‘largest loss in Irish corporate history’. You may remember this was a Home Thoughts prediction SEVEN months ago – when the extent of financial damage was seen as significantly more muted.

One nice little story that caught my eye this week was one involving banks – that profession of people who have fallen from ‘heaven’ over the past 12 months. Well seemingly ‘they’ are not all bad. So a certain Leo Gao and his Kiwi girlfriend Cara Young found out. They lived modestly and happily together in the little town of Ratarua in New Zealand. One day they went to their bank and requested a £4,000 (in Kiwi $’s) loan. The Wespac credit department were happy to grant this request to this lovely couple. In fact they ‘approved’ a limit with an extra couple of zero’s. And the couple realised they were able to draw £4 million. A ‘tidy difference’. Tidy enough for Mr Gao and his Ms Young to ‘scarper’. Taking the Wespac slogan literally – ‘Make the Most of Life’ – the couple headed for China or Korea (police have not worked that one out yet). Places where Westpac don’t have any branches.

The scale of the farce of the British MP’s expenses row was best highlighted this week with the 4 minute headline on Sky News – ‘Minister steps down over claiming back a £5 donation to a funeral fundraiser’ and a bad THIRD in headline prioritisation was the killing of two British soldiers in Afghanistan and an even worse FOURTH was the loss of up to 5,000 jobs at the UK Chrysler factory. Oh and what happened the ‘displacement’ of 3 million people from the Swat Valley in Pakistan. Yes the word ‘priority’ will need to be redefined by the Oxford English company.

Now I gotta dash. And lets hope the Lions win convincingly.

Finally there has been, as expected, a sharp fall in UAE inflation. Only education costs are still ‘out of control’

 Finally finally I will just wish you all a wonderful weekend. I have no time to think of anything else to say.

Property corner:

Al Reem Island (mentioned above) has a number of projects that will be delivered in 2009. With investment costs of AED 1,300 per sq ft, I estimate rental returns of AED 160 per sq ft – a yield of 12%, but could go higher. I expect these yields to fall to closer 8% and therefore the capital appreciation potential is enormous. I know investment money is in scarce supply, but Abu Dhabi will be an investment certainty for those who have the money – and belief But I cannot let a ‘Property Corner’ go by without mentioning Jebel Ali. Again. Not just the Palm but all of Jebel Ali. It will become the location of residential choice for workers in Abu Dhabi – largely driven by cost.

Dog Corner:

This weeks ‘Dog Award’ goes to Etihad Airlines. I tried to change the date on a flight (go one day earlier but everything else the same) during the week and this ‘FIVE STAR’ customer focussed company with lots of money but nothing else advised that the charge for such a change would be 35% (yes THIRTY FIVE PER CENT) of the cost of the ticket. My departure date is not for another three weeks and the reason given was that my ticket price (which gave me a saving of 8% on the standard price) was a promotional offer. What a load of complete rubbish.

Only lesson learnt by me. STAY AWAY from ANY Etihad promotional ticket price offers. Is the airline industry not looking for business class passengers. Is the industry not in some cyclical downturn. Is this the way an airline that claims to be one of the best in the world, treats its gold card loyalty passengers ?

EVEN if one accepted that this rule exists, think of the PR credits the airline could get from recognising the dilemma of one of its frequent flyer customers, and conceding to the request (for a more normal charge). The planes are leaving anyhow on both days (and there is availability) and the cost to Etihad is NOTHING.

Sad sad Etihad. They have so much to do to catch up with Emirates. National Airline of the UAE ? It should be Emirates not its very sad neighbour.

Coincidentally a day later a friend of mine who wanted to return to Dublin a day early was charged Euro 250 ( 40% of the return fare – which was NOT a promotional fare) for the ‘disruption’ to the Etihad operation. As I have said many times. Abu Dhabi are NOT interested in foreigners – only their money. And you can treat them as you want when they are your ‘victims’. Emirates SHOULD be the National Airline of the UAE. Not this circus.

Fun corner:

I know you like ‘one-liners’ so here are some for you. Well for the men.

‘When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her’.

‘After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together’.

 ‘By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher’.

‘A Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them’.

‘I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me’.

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

‘The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…. ‘

‘You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to’. ‘My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met’.

 ‘A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong’.

‘A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

‘First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!

‘ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

This test REALLY works. It is a test as to who is TRULY your friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you?

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.

‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.

‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.

‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.

‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,

‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

‘Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden,’ she said.

And here is one that will not make me popular with Delphine at the GREAT Westin Hotel.

The French Paratrooper Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. “Ah, Pierre ,” asks one, “‘ow ‘av you been doing?”

“Merde!” answers Pierre . “I ‘av ‘ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg ‘airy sergeant. ‘E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground.”

“And zen what ‘appened?” enquired his mate.

“I will tell you what ‘appened! ‘E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen ‘e said “Jurmp!”

 ”And did you jurmp?” asks his mate.

“I did not. I told ‘im - ‘I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity’.”

“And zen what ‘appened?” asks his mate.

“Zen ‘e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and ‘e said “Jurmp.”

“And did you jurmp?” asks his mate.

“I did not. I told ‘im - ‘I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity’.”

“What ‘appened zen?” asks his mate.

“Zen ‘e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un’undred feet above ze parade ground.

‘E undid ‘is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and ‘e said ‘If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!’”

“Sacre Bleu, mon ami” says his mate. “And did you jurmp?”

“A leetle, at ze beginning.”

Let me help you with solving a ‘conundrum’ that has never properly been explained by pub-going guys. Until now.

It turns out that there’s a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reasons for this odd behaviour are based on Einstein’s famous Relativity Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers, you’re moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.

According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub. Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.

A typical situation is “OK guys, it’s 8 O’clock; I’m going home early to surprise the family!” However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: ” WTF - why is it so quiet? Holy 5hit! It’s half past one! WHAT HAPPENED?”

The answer, of course, is Time Dilation! I’ve tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon. Now ‘Mayonnaise Jar & 2 Beers’ – another theory cracked for you.

Its a bit in the ‘serious field’ for Fun Corner but worth reading.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. ‘Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’ One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.’

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the new young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a prescription for birth control pills.

‘Mrs Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills ?

‘Yes they help me sleep at night’ replied the Granny

‘Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep !!’

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.

‘Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks. And believe me YOUNG MAN, it helps me sleep at night’.

You gotta love Grandma.

Currency corner:

Don’t lose confidence in the $. It will bounce back. Although I do believe that it will lose its ‘reserve currency status’ to a basket of currencies. Sterling is now way over-valued. Sell.

Equity corner:

Another good week. But gotta dash. Buy Vodafone on a 6 week play

You will never get better hotel deals in Dubai than over the next 3 months . It will be a ‘little hot’ but the value in hotels with beach access (a must over the Summer months) will be worth it.

Reflections from the week:

Now regrettably this week edition is going to be ‘short’. I cannot wake up at 6 am every Friday !!!

There have been many winners and losers over the past 10 days. From the magnificent Leinster in the Heineken Cup, to Clodagh being the new Dubai Rose, to Barcelona unfairly beating my Aunt’s, Manchester United and as Summer hits the Northern Hemisphere we go into full flight with an exciting ‘sports calendar’.

The Lions (or should I say Irish) Tour of South Africa should be ‘up there’ for all my female readers. Its rugby, girls. BUT the best news of the week has to be the RELEGATION of Newcastle United from the English Premiership. I mean what a ‘crèche’ of cry babies. Led by the GREATEST moaner in football history, Alan Shearer. It is a real case of ‘you reap what you sow’. This ‘team’ has had 11 managers over 8 years. For that ‘loyalty’ alone they deserve relegation.

Did they not realise that it took Alex Ferguson two/three years to ‘get his footing’ at Manchester United. Now lets hope they struggle in the Championship Division.

Before moving from sport, we have to ‘admire’ the ‘Arab Way’. The ‘novelty’ of owning an English Premiership Club is obviously running low at the ‘Al Nayhan’ (Abu Dhabi Royal Family) palaces. The failure of Manchester City (who will ALWAYS be the second club in Manchester) to justify anywhere near the excessive price paid for its very average players (and manager) has resulted in a move to dampen any reputational impact on its owners. The club will now be part sponsored and owned by Etihad Airways – who will now see themselves branching from exciting sport of hurling to the ‘whingey’’ sport of soccer.

Yes, that should do ‘the trick’. People will forget who really bought Manchester City by the end of 2010. The fact that Etihad is owned by the ‘same people’ is not relevant. Or so local interpretation will go.

I know Britain is the subject of much scrutiny and criticism from Home Thoughts, BUT is it not totally justified. At a time when the country is in the worst economic crisis ever (apart from maybe the Black Plague years), and is about to receive a ‘credit downgrade’ – which will be expensive for the tax payer, this Nation becomes TOTALLY and STUPIDLY obsessed with the illegal expense claims of its Members of Parliament. I mean the word ‘priorities’ is an English word. Are there not larger fires to extinguish. Don’t get me wrong, this is not meant to condone these sins, but your house is on fire and you continue cleaning the kitchen floor. 27 Ministers have resigned so far and another 50 likely as this circus builds momentum.

A nice distraction from the country’s real problems. The UK (don’t understand why its currency is so strong) is now officially in the WORST household squeeze since 1955. In 1955 the UK had food and fuel rationing, the average weekly wage was £10.87, a loaf of bread was 3 pence and Sir Winston Churchill was replaced, finally, as Prime Minister. OH and Newcastle United beat Manchester City 3-1 in the FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Now for many of my readers these next few words are important. Medical research has concluded that the consumption of drugs with ‘beta blockers’ and ‘ACE inhibitors’ can significantly reduce the chances of strokes and heart attacks in the ………………… over 55’s (OK we have a few years to spare, but it is good to know at this stage !!). An estimated 100,000 people in Britain could be saved every year as a result.

These drugs should be specifically with-held from Newcastle United supporters. We should show some compassion in these difficult times.

Now you see. HT is starting to give you some quality, life lengthening advice. Three weeks in a row. Wonder what ‘gem’ I can find for next week.

ONE piece of advice that I can give is DON’T go back to work after a ‘liquid lunch’. I know, we all probably have at some stage in our business lives.

Well David Redmond is probably going to regret that he did after his 3 and a half hours ‘session’ with some business colleagues. Dave, a futures trader with Morgan Stanley in London, ‘miscalculated’ some oil and freight trades before heading for home at 7.30 pm.

Yes $10 million of ‘miscalculations’.

But Dave, being the ‘sober’ sort with a good schooling, got up early the next morning and headed for work. When ‘a review’ of the previous afternoon’s activities showed the extent of his ‘mistake’, he started a series of ‘corrective trades’.

Within 48 hours, good old Dave was ‘back in profit’. Yeah the ENTIRE $ 10 m, GONE. Disappeared.

EXCEPT for the computer records. Shame. Dave’s story does not have a happy ending. He no longer works for Morgan Stanley. Not sure he will be out of work for long though.

I mean, I could do with a guy who can make $10 m + in 48 hours. He could even join me on the beach occasionally to tell me how rich we were !!!

But it could have been worse for Davey. He could have had his lunch in Quaglino’s – the upmarket and trendy Terence Conran restaurant. Family and friends of a certain Ms Tina Martin will regret that she choose this eatery for her 50th birthday party. She died of food poisoning just hours after having an ‘oyster dish’ at the restaurant.

Never could understand why people eat oysters.

Some people never age. And don’t need or eat oysters. But I saw a recent picture of Bo Derek (don’t pretend cant remember her) who is now 52 (yes I thought she was older as well) and she looks as beautiful as she was in the movie ‘10’. Or maybe I am just going for the older woman now. Sorry Jo – you are too young honey.

One little 6 year old who looks equally gorgeous is Bethany Jordan. This gorgeous little English girl – known as the Jigsaw Kid by her friends – has defied the medical expectation that she would not survive birth 6 years ago. But her birthday this week was a ‘wild affair’ – despite her having 5 spleens, a hole in her heart, a back-to-front liver, her stomach being on the wrong side and a right lung that looks like the left one. Well done Bethany. Lets hope you are around as long as Bo.

The ‘recovery’ of Dubai was this week wonderfully helped by yet another good Government decision to defer the introduction of VAT – which had been planned on certain products by year end. In a plan that expects to reduce the cost of living in the Emirate, Sheikh Mohammad’s Government have added another piece to the revival jig-saw.

With oil prices increasing, Regional equity markets mirroring the global recovery, India back ‘in full swing’, Government providing ‘active assistance’, sellers of property now withdrawing from contracts (creating upward price movement), the only piece now missing is the banks getting back into the lending game.

Even the tightening of the rope on ‘tax havens’ around the world will have significant benefits for Dubai and the Region. Yes Dubai CAN and WILL win back its fan club.

The UAE has also decided to assert its size and importance in the Region by suggesting it may not be part of a ‘Common Gulf Currency’ if the Region’s Central Bank is in Riyadh (Saudi Arabia).

A good decision. The only case for Saudi, is its geographical scale (and financial reserves). But ceding control to a country that is ‘held together’ with flimsy thread, makes no sense. Lets hope ‘that word’ prevails.

I will leave you now. That is if it is ok for me to have ‘half of my Friday, off’.

Finally its a real shame but it looks like Susan Boyle (Britains Got Talent star who song on the talent show has had over 100 million ‘hits’ on You Tube) seems to be ‘cracking’ under the pressure of fame. She is unlikely to get any assistance from the shows owner ‘Callous Simon Cowell’. To him all the talent on the show are just ‘bottles of milk’ – put on the shelf and sold at a profit.

Finally finally did you know that the ‘average’ British father-to-be puts on a stone during ‘the pregnancy’. Favourite ‘pregnancy snacks’ are pizza, chocolate and crisps. This together with larger ‘celebratory’ meals helps ‘Dad’ to bulk up for his new responsibilities.

Property corner:

I have always argued that Palm Jebel Ali properties represent the best value investment in the Region. With 50% + upside (on capital invested) over 12 months. The uplift in Palm Jumeirah prices over the past fortnight only serves to fully support this investment case. There is now a growing ‘shortfall’ of villas on Palm Jumeirah and prices are likely to recover a further 15% between now and year end – on top of the 15% achieved over the past month. Yes the Dubai property market if far from dead – in the prime locations. But you have been told all this before. Nakheel could show some ‘corporate maturity and responsibility’ by making some clear statement on the future of Palm Jebel Ali – or does it just believe it has the right (even after recent Government capital support) to treat Investors in Dubai with complete disdain.

Dog Corner:

The Service Charges being levied by Developers on ‘innocent and vulnerable’ Investors. The Dubai Government need to URGENTLY address this. Developers (IFA being the most recent one that I have personally encountered) are charging up to double what is fair and reasonable. Obviously these charges are now consuming a greater percentage of the yield the Investor is achieving on his/her property. Some recent research has shown that AED 7 to AED 15 per sq ft is the acceptable range (the later including air cooling). So ANY Developer wishing to charge more needs to be challenged. While the Strata Law was intended to prevent this happening, But unscrupulous Developers are happy to exploit this ‘window’ at handover of the property. If you don’t pay, the Developer does not handover the property. Now how fair is that.

Let the Crusade begin.

Fun corner:

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I know we have seen this one recently but it is VERY good.

If you want to have some ‘fun with life’ try the following during your ‘spare time’.

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Marijuana’.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’ And

The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Another ‘old’ one worth having again

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, ‘’Cause you’re ugly.”

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

 He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’

Here are some REAL questions and answers that were ‘fielded’ by the Australian Tourism Authority

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV. How do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: That depends how much you’ve been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ……. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is …… oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunters and gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R from Vietnam, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Currency corner:

The currency markets are in real interesting territory. For the moment it looks like the fear of a US credit downgrade (in my view totally implausible – for reasons given last week) will continue to weigh on the Greenback. This (downgrade) speculation is also causing the big funders of the US ‘lifestyle’ (China and Japan) to review their support for the currency and the country. I do strongly believe that the poor prospects for Euroland and the improving American outlook will eventually result in a reversal of the recent US$ weakness.

As for Sterling. It is now the MOST overvalued currency in the global ‘top 6’.

Equity corner:

This morning you should be able to sell last weeks tip (Vodafone) for a nice 5% profit on last weeks purchase price. Next week however there is a 5% dividend and after its payment, I think the price will gradually rise towards £1.30 – despite my view that the markets will fall over the next couple of months. So I think it is better to stick with Vodafone. British Land (an old favourite and one of the best FTSE ‘beta stocks’) had a bad day yesterday. Worth another ‘tipple’ at £3.82.

But be really careful over the next few weeks. There IS a correction around the corner. And we have nice profits in the bank.

This weeks tip ? British Land – for quick in and out. And Vodafone.

The Dubai Rose Ball is on in the (Great) Westin this evening. This year I think the Emirate has the winner of the final in Tralee in August.

Reflections from the week:

I had better try to undo one of my largest mistakes ever.

Yes last week I upset TWO women. Well two that I know about. Joanne and my Sister. Yes TWO of the women that would be on your TOP THREE ‘not to upset list’ (the other one being your MUM). It was their birthday. Joanne on 13th and Fiona on the 14th. I will shut up now just in case I compound this life-threatening error. I will NOT forget next year.

And I had better not upset another woman this week. So hello ‘Hot Flush Mary’. My new friend in Dubai. I promised her a mention today. When I last saw her she was in the company of Dubai’s new heart-throb, Daithi O She – you know ‘the guy’ who will MC tonights Dubai Rose Final. And this man is everything the ‘Irish Committee’ built him up to be. That’s what you get when you let the Dubai Irish Society be run by women.

But the 10 finalists will feel very at ease with this ‘charmer’ and I know the event tonight will be a huge success and the most entertaining to date. And Daithi (the other one) is the best MC for tonight.

And just ONE other mention. At risk of upsetting another woman. Delphine, the charming young French lady in charge of food and beverage at the Westin, will climb Mount Killamanjaro (I know the spelling is wrong) later in the year. But tomorrow night she is having a ‘fund raising’ bash at Barasti - Meridien Mina Seyahi. Great cause and if you have not made any charitable donations this year, now is a good time.

Now a suggestion from one of my readers as to how the British (and maybe all Governments) can save some cash outflows from Exchequer budgets.

This is a letter from a North Sea Oil Company employee

‘I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their backside drinking beer and smoking or taking any drugs, Class A B or C.(could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque? Particularly in Ireland).

What is happening in the UK? A woman of 66 about to have a baby. Two burglars caught on security camera’s brazenly breaking into a house in Bristol were shockingly given just a ‘supervision’ sentence. And then this week the Brits were voted THE ANGRIEST race in Europe. What ? Not the Spanish ? Nor the Italians ? NO. The BRITISH. But then it is perhaps not that surprising. IF you lost 90% of your global territorial ownership in less than 100 years, you would be a bit ‘Pissed Off’. Yes they probably have EVERY reason to be THE ANGRIEST.

Another ‘angry’ person this week is England rugby star James Haskell. He has ‘lost’ his girlfriend of 5 years (you just don’t know what is going on in a woman’s head) to the French tennis coach Romain Girbal.

Now looking at the stunningly beautiful girlfriend (Felicia Field Hall – model and tv presenter) her choice does not surprise me.

The ‘bruttish’ 17 stone nose-damaged Mr Haskell or the ‘cat-walk’ looks of a romantic French man.

And ‘Jimmy’s’ brain is obviously as ‘underweight’ as his looks.

He decided that the best way at ‘hitting back’ at his love-rival was to leave a message on ‘Romain’s’ Facebook (boy I DO HATE that product) page.

It started ‘Hi Romain, you don’t know me but I know you (nice way to start Jimmy !!). You are the guy who thought it was a good idea to f**k my girlfriend (now Jimmy control yourself …. SHE could have said ‘non’). I NOW know where you live and work (good you did some research Jimmy …………… it takes some of the emotion out of your point). If you don’t f**k off back to the ‘frog farm’ where you came from I will pay you a visit and make sure the only tennis you play from now on is on your computer. And the only way you will be able to ‘please’ women in future will be ‘by talking them through the act’.

GOOD ONE JIMMY. Point well made, Mate. I will keep you (de) briefed with any updates.

Wow Jimmy. YOU ARE THE MAN.

The UK is also home to the worlds FIRST ‘Economic Vandal’. At least that is the expression Mr Gordon Brown has been given (by the DG of the CBI) this week. Poor sad Gordon. The job he patiently waited for and now he turns out to be the WORST (PM) Britain has ever had. Goes to show that a good education does not mean you will be good at your job.

Another piece of less than encouraging news for Gordon is the research finding that for every year you can stay working after retirement age, you ‘defer’ the chances of getting Alzheimer’s by SIX weeks.

Poor Gordon. I am not sure if the ‘inverse’ is a supportable hypothesis. I do however expect him to be in the ‘same room’ as George Bush, before my next birthday. And hopefully, like George, never to be given any business responsibility again. NEVER.

If I mentioned the name Ravi Bopara to you, which country would you think he plays cricket for ?

Yes you are right. England !!! Hehehehe. That’s where that point stops. Just in case you were waiting for something more intelligent. I can do things like this !!!

One sad event of the week, is the imminent death of the actress Farrah Fawcett (remember the original Charley’s Angels) and the distressing photos of her as she lies dying in her hospital bed – a significant message to all of us who think themselves above the natural cycle of life.

Now here is a little ‘smorgasbord’ of happenings in Dubai over the past week. Nakheel (the Government owned property development company) finally got some money, and decided to share some of it with hard-pressed creditors (including hopefully our good friends in Arabtec – who are acting as a ‘proxy banker’ to the Dubai Government). The two major Metro lines (the Green and Red) are on operational target for September (red) this year and March 2010 for the Green line - lets hope their pricing/fares are more intelligent that the Committee that decided on the Palm Jumeirah light rail service. Dubai taxi’s will finally have to realise that there will be no further ‘F1’ fun on the Dubai roads. A combination of GPS and ‘a tag’ will identify those who are exceeding the road speed limits. Taxi’s caught will immediately be deported. Now I am not sure if that brings a smile of gratitude to my face. Or a fear of a ‘taxi famine’ – where they have all been expelled. Dubai airport, despite all those predicting the end of the Dubai-dream, saw passenger traffic grow 7% in the month of April. The Real Estate Regulatory Authority (RERA) have decided to take a more active role in ‘repairing’ doubts about the Dubai property market and are implementing a range of Investor protections with attendant punishments for recalcitrant Developers. Hopefully these decisions will be quickly supported by appropriate legislative teeth. One very welcome initiative will be to decide on what projects are ‘deferred’ and which one’s ‘cancelled’. A very important difference when it comes to who is entitled to refunds immediately and which Investors will have to live with future cash flow ‘pain’. And finally, the UAE is to open an Embassy in Portugal. What ? The country that put the ‘P’ into PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain). And in all my time in Dubai, I have not met even ONE person from this country that produces lots of very average red wines. And there is no Portuguese Embassy anywhere in this region. I am sure given time I will stumble over the obvious answer !!

One country that is very important to Dubai and has a significant ‘population presence’ in the Emirate is India. And on many occasions I have explained to you the importance of this country to the future (and past) of Dubai.

This week the Sensex (the Indian Stock Market) had its highest one day rise ever. A near 20% rise on the day that the General Election result was announced. Instead of a ‘compromised’ Parliament, the Congress Party was left with just 10 seats short of an outright majority. This ‘reinstatement of wealth’ in India will be critically helpful to Dubai in its journey to being ‘repaired’. The ‘value’ of this weeks increase in the Sensex ? Nearly $800 billion. A nice weeks work – for my favourite group of people !!!!

Now we had a lot of ‘other results’ this week. Man Utd win the premiership in England. An Irish Amateur won the, yes, Irish Open Golf. As an amateur he obviously did not win any money. What a stupid rule. He should have signed the ‘professional status’ papers on the 18th tee. And then there was the annual Eurovision Song Contest. It says a lot of our ‘unside down world’ that this year EUROVISION was held in RUSSIA. And the ‘preliminaries’ were this year dominated by Gays. Putin (the Russian not the French word) and Druggies. Where was the MUSIC.

Well they eventually got to that chapter and the excitingly boring 54th running of this farcical singing (and acting) event, was won by NORWAY. Yeah remember THAT country that famously scored a total of ‘nul point’ some years ago – when it was difficult to score Zero. Well this year they WON. With the HIGHEST point count EVER in the competition. With a VIOLINIST. That’s the depth the ‘competition’ has fallen to. Its a SONG contest. NOT a musical instrument show. Britain came 5th – a big improvement on last years ‘last’ position. Not sure where Ireland featured. But after the ‘Muppet display’ last year, maybe they were too embarrassed to compete.

I regularly get asked about non Muslims gaining access to Mosques. Well in Dubai it is possible. But only by appointment and only to one specific Mosque. I also get asked what ‘the rules’ of access are. Well for Muslims there is a very strict code of conduct/behaviour. And hygiene is at the centre of ‘these rules’. There is what is known as a ‘ablution’ process – whereby the person needs to wash his/her hands, face, feet, nose, and mouth three times while reciting the Muslim Declaration of Faith (the Shahada). If you have recently had sexual relations, you need to wash thoroughly your body before entering the Mosque (or starting prayers). A person entering a Mosque must also ensure their clothes (shoes are left outside) are clean and free from all types of stains. Women are not permitted to enter during their ‘monthlies’ or if ‘still bleeding’ from delivering a child. I had better stop there. Hope you learnt something though.

Finally well now we know where we came from. IDA (the woman’s name and not an organisation) is your mum. And she died 47 million years ago. Yes this ‘fossilised’ relative has been found by scientists (in Germany) and is the best proof yet of the link between ‘man and monkey’. Now we need to go searching for IDA’s husband. Or people will start claiming another Immaculate Conception.

Finally finally for those of you with ‘wind or water energy’ idea’s I now have a direct link into Masdar in Abu Dhabi. And this companys budget is ‘embarrassing’ – BUT the project MUST have REAL MERIT.

Property corner:

There has been a very obvious pick up in confidence and sentiment in the Dubai property market. As we predicted the Palm Jumeirah is leading the revival. ALL the ‘distressed’ sellers have their money and no longer exist. Strange. Now sellers are dictating the pricing. And changing their minds – with prices being ‘moved’ by up to AED 300,000 in hours.

While I expect some easing of this trend over the Summer months, you can be absolutely sure the upward momentum will resume after Ramadan. I expect a further 15% uplift by year end. This will have obvious knock-on impacts on Palm Jebel Ali prices. But then I told you all this before.

Dog Corner:

I am sorry that despite the improvement in sentiment and prices in the better locations of Dubai there remain the projects owned by the ‘secondary players’ and lots of Dubailand product. Until the perceived over-supply position corrects, and the financial health of many Developers is proven, price weakness will continue. Indeed buyers will remain be difficult to find.

Fun corner:

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It’s after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it!

I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and

HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?

The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.’

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and puuuurrrrrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

When we listen to the oraratorial confidence of Barack Obama, we tend to forget the GREATNESS of the previous president – George W Bush.

Here, again, were some of his great quotes.

‘A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

“What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.”

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.”

“We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.”

Here are some amazing anagrams.

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

The UAE are about to go countrywide with National Identity Cards. Here is a little ‘after-shock’ of the consequences of having ‘participated’. Let all countries be warned.

Operator: ‘Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…’

Customer: ‘Helloo, can I order..’

Operator : ‘Can I have your multi UAE identity card number first, Sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s eh…, hold……….on……889861356102049998-45-54610′ Operator :

‘OK… you’re… Mr. Khan and you’re calling from Nasir Square, Deira, Dubai. Your home number is 04-2254821, your office 04-3480536 and your mobile is 050-9923487. Which number are you calling from now Sir?’

Customer: ‘Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : ‘We are connected to The System Sir’

Customer: ‘May I order your Seafood Pizza…’

Operator : ‘That’s not a good idea Sir’

Customer: ‘How come?’

Operator : ‘According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir’

Customer: ‘What?… What do you recommend then?’

Operator : ‘Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it’

Customer: ‘How do you know for sure?’

Operator : ‘You borrowed a book entitled ‘Popular Hokkien Dishes’ from the National Library last week Sir’

Customer: ‘OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?’

Operator : ‘That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is AED 67.00′

Customer: ‘Can I pay by credit card?’

Operator : ‘I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank AED 13,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.’

Customer: ‘I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives’

Operator : ‘You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today’

Customer: ‘Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?’

Operator : ‘About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…’

Customer: ‘What!’

Operator : ‘According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…’

Customer: ‘????’

Operator : ‘Is there anything else Sir?’

Customer: ‘Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?’

Operator : ‘We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic……. ‘

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : ‘Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?’

So think twice before applying for an ID card!!

Here is an old, but good one (for men !!) Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: ‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: ‘I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!’

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!’

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says ‘Grandpa;……. Go home! You’re drunk again’

Currency corner:

Well I have always warned. There is just NO science to guessing the direction of foreign exchange or currency movements. And my recent predictions have been CRAP – directly proving my point. The recent weakness in the $ however is directly related to rumours that the USA may lose its AAA credit rating. Now THAT would be something extraordinary. But given recent ‘borrowings’ not unsurprising. I do however believe that the US has enormous ‘pay back’ power. For example a 50 cents increase in a gallon of petrol in the US would pay for half the entire ‘bank rescue’ financing. Yes $450 billion. Additionally a lot of this ‘borrowing’ is related to this rescue and already you have many of the recipients ‘paying back’. The value of some to the ‘equity’ taken for this money, also has possibilities of yielding a capital profit. So the current weakness in my view is totally overdone. A good time to buy the Greenback.

Equity corner:

I warned you to be careful over the next 8 weeks. And the ‘give back’ of recent gains has started. This week, apart from India, has shown just how fragile the markets are. I would forget about the equity market over the next couple of months. I think 2 nd quarter results will disappoint, and this will make people realise the ‘pendulum’ has moved to ‘over-bought’ territory. There will be the occasional buying opportunity and I will attempt to find these for you.

This week I would go for Vodafone. Completely oversold in recent days. But be prepared to hold for 6 to 8 weeks. Current price £1.14 gives you a 6.5% yield.

We are going into STS time in Dubai. Yes ‘Smelly Taxi Season’ is upon us. These guys just don’t know what a ‘smell’ is. So bring an aerosol with you. It will ‘enhance’ your journey.

Reflections from the week:

Dubai Sports City got off to a ‘six’ start this week with the opening of one of its two spectacular stadia. Sheikh Mohammad opened and the Pakistani’s won the first official cricket match. Beating the Aussies by SEVEN wickets. What were ‘you guys’ up to ??

Anyway of all the projects in Dubailand, I believe Sports City will be the only investment success. But ONLY for those who have invested with ‘honest’ Developers and who have a purchase entry price of under AED 1,000 per sq ft. With gross rental rates likely to be in the region of AED 75/80 per sq ft, this will give you a 7%/8% yield. To save you ‘a translation’ that means rentals on average sized studio apartments of AED 30/35,000 per annum and AED 45,000/55,000 for one beds.

Now did you know that being ‘flat chested’ pays. No NOT for you guys – although when you hear where I am going with this, you might consider it !! But yes, if you have ‘teenager size’ boobs, your bra will cost less for ‘this support’ in Marks & Spencers than if you are a ‘Dolly Parton’. Yes M&S ‘charge’ by the amount of material used. Well NOT any more. The ‘surcharge’ has been dropped. To me it was a ‘boob’ to have the price differential in the first place.

And on the subject of ‘shape’, there is a new ‘assist’ for mothers who wish to have their figure back as quickly as possible after childbirth.

Yes thanks to Probiotic Yoghurt – I bet your fridge is bulging with the product – you can have that pre-pregnancy figure back …. before you get pregnant again. All thanks to ‘friendly bacteria’ included in the manufacture of PY’s.

 Wonder if it works on men !!!

Well Colleen Rooney (Wayne’s wife) will probably already be on all these Probiotic ‘things’. Her ‘lifestyle insurance’  pregnancy, caused her to comment ‘My Wayne will be a top Dad’.

Yes I suppose you might be right Colleen. But you will forgive us if we find it difficult to ‘be on your page’ with this. To many of us he is an illiterate, petulant, violent, overpaid thug with a penchant for aging hookers.

Only redeeming quality he has ? He is still an Everton supporter.

One Mum who does look wonderful after recently giving birth to twins, is Julia Roberts. Well done Pretty Woman.

And let us not speed away from ‘the twins story’ yet. Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex in the City) and Matthew Broderick (the heartthrob actor – to most women) are married. NO THAT is not the news. I know you know that. But did you know that they wanted another child ?Or that they cannot have another one themselves ? Or that they have ‘engaged’ a surrogate mother ? Well they have. And ‘the other woman’ is pregnant with twins for the lucky couple.

But it is the choice of woman that warrants mention in Home Thoughts. SHE is a tattooed, bisexual, ex-barmaid (I think that helps the picture !!) heavy metal fan. Now WHAT were Matthew and Sarah doing when they agreed on this person ???

Many of you know that I am a YouTube fan. So much fun and joy (except for that nauseating clip from last week). Well this week another ‘violation’ of what this medium is supposed to be to many families around the computer world. Apparently there is a clip of the moment when that great comedian Tommy Cooper died on stage in that ‘final show’ (in 1984). How distasteful. And what type of person wants to look at such ‘awfulness’ ? Well 50,000 ‘had a look’ this week alone.

Of course the YouTube (and Britain’s Got Talent) sensation of the year, so far, has been the sensational singer Susan Boyle. But I do have to question some of Susan’s judgement. Her decision to turn down an invitation to meet Barack Obama, is a little baffling. Maybe the part of Scotland she comes from has not heard of HIM. Or maybe Susan just did not know ‘what to wear’. Surprising that Simon Cowell has not ‘insisted’ (through her contractual commitments) on her meeting the US President. I mean would that not have been worth money ?? But then it is only four weeks since Simon ALSO declined to meet Barack.

Maybe the President should STOP issuing such invites. Anyhow where would he find the time to meet these people that are hardly going to deliver any real benefit in resolving the problems of the USA or the World.

Baffling is also the word that travels to my tongue when I heard the price we are all going to have to pay to use the soon to be operational Palm Jumeirah Monorail. AED 25 (Euro 5.50) for a return ticket. So for two adults and four children your pocket will be ‘lighter’ by Euro 35. Disgraceful. Simply ridiculous. Do the people who made this decision really know what the average wage in Dubai is ? Or do they want this Monorail to only be for ‘the rich’. I am sure the Atlantis Hotel will be equally shocked given that they will be the ‘victim’ of reduced customer numbers. I think there should be a ‘doping’ test BEFORE anybody goes to such Senior Management or Board meetings. Talk about being out of tune with reality.

Tuesday night was one of our ‘stay at home’ nights. So we settled into a ‘take away’ and had an alcohol free few hours in front of the TV. And as luck was on our side, ‘When Harry Met Sally’ – one of our favourite movies – was on Channel 68 (we have 190 – but only 45 are in English). Our particular favourite is ‘THAT SCENE’. You know the one. ‘The Orgasm’ one. Where Meg Ryan shows how women can ‘fake it’. Well we excitingly awaited that moment.

Its about 35 minutes into the movie. And there they are, (Meg and Billy Crystal) face to face in the restaurant. Billy Crystal ‘accidentally taunting’ Meg. ‘Of course NO WOMEN faked it on him. And so ‘THE SCENE’ commenced. But NO. JUST as IT was about to get into full swing, the ‘DUBAI FILM CENSOR’ decided that our minds were NOT to be corrupted. The night was ‘destroyed’. Even the ‘take away’ did not taste the same.

Dubai is starting to get tough on the ‘arrogant’ of Dubai. Those road drivers who believe it is ‘appropriate’ FOR THEM to use the hard-shoulders on the motorways (and other roads) are about to learn that this ‘territory’ is NOT ‘extended driving space’. The Dubai Police succeeded in having legislation introduced that penalises these ‘social disorder’. Yes a very nice range of penalties which include

1. Impounding of vehicle for six months.

2. Applying the laws concerning fines and ancillaries thereof.

3. For those working as drivers, they must be deported and proof of deportation must be provided.

4. Six black points are given.

5. The driving license shall be withdrawn in case of committing this offence twice, and shall not be returned to its owner until he/she passes a difficult test and pays a fine of 3000 Dirham.

6. After all of the above procedures have been completed, the vehicle will be released.

NOW THAT IS MORE LIKE IT. I only hope ‘the rule’ applies to the category who people who we know use this ‘patch’ most often !!! Or will the law only apply to those people who cannot talk to the policeman in Arabic !!

The Dubai Police are also to be congratulated this week for ‘busting’ a $28,000,000,000 (yes that’s NOT a mistake) money laundering ring. Now THAT is a serious success. While the ‘ultimate bust’ was in Brazil, the Dubai Authorities role in the Global operation was recognised as critical.

There has been much criticism of the approach Dubai took to its ‘developement plan’. And that it is now suffering from Disney World extravagance and thinking. Well to me and many who live here, Dubai is one of the best places to live in the World. Its choice of shopping, restaurants, hotels, sporting options, beaches etc surrounded by some of the worlds most architecturally amazing buildings, a magnificent road system and thoroughfares, make it a Global Best. Add in lack of taxes, the climate, easy transport access to many continents, low crime, high personal security, a ‘cocktail’ of cultures mixing like nowhere else in the world, supply of major sporting events, concerts and movies and you have the closest to ‘completeness’ as the planet is capable of.

And for those who want to bang the ‘Abu Dhabi Drum’ it will take ‘the capital’ at least FIVE years to catch up with Dubai. This week an AD Minister proudly announced that the AD Metro will be ‘partially operational’ by 2015. Did he really expect enthusiastic applause. But it did help show the ‘gap’ between the two Emirates. People will still prefer Dubai for holidays and living.

Finally go checkiing the attic. Do you think there are any ‘Dinky Toys’ there ? Or were you not that type. Or maybe you are too young to know what I am talking about. Not that I have many readers in this latter category !!! Well for those who do remember, there may be the cost of a Summer holiday in it for you. Because these ‘toys’ (which cost around 20 Euro Cents), are now fetching up to Euro 30,000 each. I must phone Mum later and see what she did with my collection.

Finally finally I provide below my view on one of the greatest investment yield challenges Investors in Dubai will face for the rest of 2009 and into 2010. Service Charges. With rents falling across Dubai, this Landlord cost has almost doubled as a percentage of the gross yield. Time for greater action against unscrupulous Developers.

Property corner:

With property market conditions improving and the number of distressed sellers (in Prime property locations) now as scarce as a good meal at the Grosvenor House Hotel, we are primed for a serious price recovery after Ramadan. The missing ingredient is still the Dubai banking system providing support mortgage support. This will be a little difficult as they ‘grapple’ with the significant loan losses to ‘those cultures’ who do not have a ‘culture’ of repaying loans. You know who I am talking about !!!! And it is NOT the Europeans.

But once this important ‘piece’ is in place and the banks can start to become more ‘price reasonable’ then we have the perfect conditions for the recovery.

Dog Corner:

This week I have to ATTACK to greedy Developers who are being opportunistic in the charges they apply for ‘services’ in the handover of completed property. IFA are the latest with their AED 25 per sq ft on Golden Mile. Ridiculous. At a time when rents across the Emirate are collapsing (up to 50%) the Service Charge becomes an increasingly important Landlord cost. There is NO NEED for service charges to be above AED 16 psf (except in exceptional projects). So please can the Government step in and start to control this ABUSE by Developers There is a Strata Law – a law allowing the Owners take control of Service costs. But the Developer usually ‘controls’ this role for the first 18 months – depending on terms of contract.

Fun corner:

Lets have some jokes about our favourite ‘punch bags’ – politicians.

The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you drink more.

Don’t vote - it only encourages them.

It’s tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies; the other half is ruined by the truth!

Some people tell political jokes… we HAVE them!

Redundancy: An airbag in a politician’s car!

Limit Congress to 2 terms: 1 in office, 1 in jail.

I think, therefore I’m not an MP. - (Member of Parliament)

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

Clinton (yes its an old joke) returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, “Nice pigs, Mr. President” Clinton replies, “I’ll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?”

The honor guardsman answers: “Nice trade, Sir.”

The government claims it’s following the will of the people. I didn’t even know we’d died!

Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.

Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year.

Make your M.P. work - don’t re-elect him.

If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.

Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the lady.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the senator. “I’m sorry but we have our rules..” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course..

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.

Now choose your eternity.” She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator.

“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday I was campaigning. Today you voted for me!”

A Senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, “We’ll have to bail out.

Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family needs me. I’m taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!” And he jumped.

Then the Senator said, “I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs me; I’m taking one of the parachutes.” And he jumped.

The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, “I’ve had a good life and yours is still ahead of you. You take the last parachute.” The youth shrugged and said, “Don’t need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest politician in the world just jumped with my knapsack!”

Subject: Penis Study The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft.

After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they’re own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around 75 Euros and 2 cases of Guiness they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.

When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondels her wildly while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline flushed, trys to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?’

Mark thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.’

And for you women readers :

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: ‘Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.’

The priest replied: ‘That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.’

‘There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’

The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.’

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?’

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’ He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry - just follow me.’ He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’ Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘ They downed their Drinks.

Then Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’

Currency corner:

Yeah I am having a tough time getting the currencies right for you. Life is like that. BUT I still very firmly believe we will have a ‘recovery’ of the US$ over the next few months. So don’t give up yet. The Sterling ‘call’ – weaker against the Euro – is also one that I will remain strong on. We will, later this year, move into territory where the yield on currencies will determine its international value. The ‘broken’ economies will however continue to see their currencies under pressure.

Equity corner:

:A signal this week is that with the market lacking direction, now is the time to be extremely cautious. There was a strong case for a recovery but now we have probably recovered too far too fast. We need to recognise that the equity markets will never (well not for 50 years) recover to ‘old’ levels. There just won’t be enough ‘gearing’ (ability to borrow at ‘old’ levels) around to allow us get to those levels of ‘asset values’. So where we are now in equity value terms is just about right for where the world will be in 6/9 months terms. So we have had a good run so far this year. Now is time to be cautious – particularly over the Summer.

There will be ‘rifle shot’ opportunities (where some shares have been over-sold) and it is here we will focus for the next few months.

This weeks rifle shot ? British Land at any price under £4.00.

I told you so. The tables for the Dubai Rose Ball on May 22nd are almost sold out. You have been warned. One of the BEST nights in the Dubai Social calendar.

Reflections from the week:

A nice IRISH joke to start you with.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself manfully from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones..

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was SUDDENLY smacked by his wife with a LARGE WOODEN SPOON ……

………… ‘F**k off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

OK. Good Morning. Well I told you many weeks ago. The WORST is over.

Yes the world has started to repair itself. Much earlier than the majority expected. And as I told you this resurrection has been led by equity bourses around the world. The Sensex (one that I follow because of its important to Dubai) is now FIFTY per cent above its low. And with these improvements in equity prices (do be aware that there will be a ‘correction’ over the Summer months as second quarter corporate results fail to meet heightened earnings expectations) comes confidence, wealth and liquidity.

The only real piece of the ‘repair jigsaw’ left is for banks around the world to start lending again. This WILL happen as risk appetite continues its recent improvement. Most of the ‘Dr Deaths’ have now been punished and are no longer attempting (or able) to bring us all to the ‘hell they were predicting’.

And for all ‘the cautious’ out there – those with cash – you will be forced ‘off the fence’. I mean you are hardly going to get wealthy from a 1% or 2% yield on that cash deposit or bond. And ‘greed’ will force you into higher risk asset classes.

Even Mr Bernanke threw caution out the window this week with his view that the ‘recession’ (note NOT DEPRESSION) was coming to an end. WOW. I do believe there are some bad times ahead but as the world moves from ‘intensive care’ to a more ‘lively ward’, so there will be a reversal of the unemployment trend.

Some countries will succeed with this challenge quicker than others. Unfortunately my dear country of Ireland, will be ‘Paddy Last’. Its challenge is unique and maybe, regrettably, insoluble for many years. And what did I say in October last about Obama being one of the greatest enemies to Ireland. Well his ‘home tax’ policy is just another problem in the Irish ‘in tray’. But any action is unlikely. Because you can’t get a result by doing nothing – which seems to be the Irish Government culture at the moment.

But now to the rest of my readers. Those who really don’t really care about world economics or government.

Before I forget. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Will. Sorry Kate can’t be with you tonight, but I am sure you will find somebody to give you a ‘present’. And my present ? Well you got mentioned ‘here’ !!!

Somebody growing hair at a faster rate than Will is losing it, is THAT sex-symbol (well to the girls) 44 year old Scottish actor James Nesbitt. He has ‘mystifyingly’ reversed the very severe hair loss, that was part of ‘his charm’. Well apparently the ‘mystery’ is not really what I suggested. It comes in a tablet form which is available for a ‘bargain’ price of £3,000.

BUT if this is all it costs, why are so many other rich bald or balding men around the world not chasing (or buying) the ‘medicine’. And how come NOBODY told ME about this. I mean there WAS a time when I could have afforded this. And I could have gone through the last 12 traumatic months at least looking 10 years younger. And they say girls are bitches. Not ONE of my friends told me. Jealously is such a strange human characteristic.

But now ‘old’ James will probably be even more popular with the women.

Another ‘exciting’ disclosure or exposure this week was the unashamed declaration by Kelly McGillis (remember Top Gun …….. ‘you never close your eyes…. ‘) that she had absolutely NO interest in Mr Top Gun himself, Tom Cruise.

Oh come come Kelly, how could you possibly not fancy him in that knee-weakening white air corp uniform ? Even I was jealous of him in those days ( I had hair in 1986 – yes the movie is 23 years old).

Well this week we ALL learnt WHY. Well those of you who visit the lesbian website ‘shewired.com’ probably knew before us Home Thoughts readers, but ‘lil ol Kelly’ is ONE of THEM. Yeah apparently she has struggled with her sexuality since she was 11 year old (she is now 51). WOW. I did not even know what sex (not to talk about sexuality) was until ….. many years later. So now we all know. NOT about ME, about KELLY.

Did any of you ever wonder just how tall some of those ‘subutteo sized’ footballers we watch on TV are in real life. Well if I asked you who was taller Wayne Rooney or Carlos Tevez ? Or John O Shea or Rio Ferdinand ? Or Cristiano Ronaldo or John Terry ? Well Rooney (5’10’’) is taller Tevez (5’8’’) and O Shea (6’3’’) is an inch taller than his team mate Rio. While surprisingly Ronaldo (6’2’’) is the winner by half an inch over JT. Even Didier Droghba is an inch ‘shorter’ than John O Shea.

Now girls, did you find that interesting ??? Well let me share with you a little ‘bulge busting’ secret. Drink WHITE Tea. Apparently a slimming ingredient has been discovered (don’t you just love the guys who get out of bed every morning to go ‘find these things’ for us all !!!) in this easy to drink beverage. I will start to ‘explore’ the claim myself from next week. So don’t rushing to the supermarket yet. When added to a cup of Green tea (which blocks cholesterol absorption) and Black Tea (which strengthens bones), can you imagine what the breakfast table will be like every morning !!!

But it seems that British women do not mind being Europe’s biggest. There will be no white tea needed in Tesco’s. Yes they are the most over-weight in Europe – and apparently are COMFORTABLE with that fact. In contrast French women are the thinnest – and are UNCOMFORTABLE with that fact. The survey was BMI based and the Irish were ……………………… right in the middle. Between Sweden and Luxembourg.

The British Government this week (in my view characteristically late) distributed leaflets on how to reduce the chances of ‘catching’ Swing Flu. While some of the ‘late advice’ was good – wash hands regularly etc there was the section that advised you to phone your doctor or clinic if you started to experience ‘flu symptoms’. Well done Dr Brown. WHO did you think they were going to phone ? The AA ? Or Ghostbusters ?

You will all be glad to hear that there were NO cases of Swine-flu (partly due to us being Arabs !!) in the UAE.

And so the Government are able to concentrate on ‘more significant issues’. And this week the new Law governing Visa’s for owners of freehold (and certain leasehold) properties in the UAE became law. While it has some ‘wrinkles’ (needs to be renewed every 6 months, minimum villa/apartment value AED 1 million etc ), it is a good starting point. It also shows that the Government is alert and interested in returning the economy to a state of prosperity as quickly as possible. Well done Sheikh Mohammed. This is a vital ‘piece in the jig-saw’. And should see a return to increased residential housing in the Autumn.

Rents are also nearing the bottom – having fallen 50% over the past 3 months. Current rent levels will act as a magnet for new companies setting up in the Region. Previously as much as 40% of a ‘employment package’ was taken up by rental costs.

Another decision consuming much Government time is the likely decision to have the new GCC (eight countries in the Region including the UAE) Central Bank (as part of the move towards a ‘one currency’ Region) based in Riyadh (Saudi Arabia). While it would appear the obvious location, in that Saudi is the largest and wealthiest of the States, there is typical Arab ‘bargaining’ time ahead.

Now I will leave you if that is ok.

 I hope I got the balance right !!!

Finally did you know that 12% of Pakistan is now under Taliban control. Or that the unemployment rate in South Africa now stands at 23%. Two very dangerous facts that may become more relevant to ALL of us in the future.

Finally Finally the very negative and ‘dark’ side of the UAE has unfortunately been aired on US TV (ABC). If you want to see how ‘strange’ some people in the Region can be ‘tune into’ UTUBE. I cannot give you the name of the person at the centre of the ‘horror’ but if you ‘enter’ UTUBE and type ‘torture by Sheikh in UAE’ you will get a horrific story. I DO hope the Government take some action against the Sheikh. Unlikely given that he is a member of the Abu Dhabi Royal Family.

Property corner:

The best investment deal in Dubai at the moment is trading the Nakheel and Emaar ‘credit notes’ (there is a sensitivity as to what these are ‘named’ so please just lets call them ‘credit notes’) Some of these are being heavily discounted (due to panic being created by those people I love to hate – the Estate Agents) and one can use this opportunity to buy quality well located property WITH these ‘notes’.

Depending on the price you buy the note for, you could end up with a Palm Jumeirah villa or apartment for as little as AED 800 per sq ft. This opportunity WON’T last. Once the ‘contradiction’ or ‘opportunity’ becomes better understood, the discount price will reduce/disappear.

Dog Corner:

I really will have to look for a different ‘corner’ for you. There are still far too many ‘bad stories’ around the Dubai property market – essentially related to ‘weakened’ Developers who do not have the money to complete their projects, deciding to ‘go home’ …………….. for good. Yes the UK journalists do not have to travel far to find a disgruntled Dubai property investor . But thankfully the ‘clever’ who stuck to the old property adage of buying ‘prime, prime, prime’ will see themselves safe. Albeit after a little wait.

Fun corner:

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…

She called me to get my phone number…

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate’…

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make- up her mind…

She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order…

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it…

She tried to drown a fish…

She thought a quarterback was a refund…

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death…

She tripped over a cordless phone…

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept…

She asked for a price check at the dollar store…

She studied for a blood test….

She thought “Meow Mix” was a CD for cats.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved…

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead…

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left’ she turned around and went home….

Here is one that ‘does the rounds’ when things go wrong in an economy. Therefore topical now

GORDON BROWN (for Ireland we can insert Brian Cowan) was visiting a Scottish (Galway) primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin’ in the field an’ a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a ‘tragedy.’ (you can put your own Galway accent on this scripting)

‘No’, said Gordon - ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a skale bus kerryin’ fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a’b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy’

‘I’m afraid not’, explained Gordon - ‘that’s what we would call a ‘great loss'’ .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand…

In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane kerryin’ you and Mr. Darlin’ (Brian Lenihan for Ireland if you have not got the ‘transfer capability’ of this joke yet) wis struck by a ‘freendly fire’ missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Gordon. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy >

‘Weel,’ says wee Johnny ‘it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss . . . . . and it probably widnae be a accident either!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

‘Father may I ask a favour?’

‘Of course child, what may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to bring warmth and pleasure to a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’

Questions you just can’t answer

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder……

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks “How many people are flying with you ?”

Paddy replies “I don’t know! Its your plane!”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!” Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.

“I can’t work in the dark!” says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says “You know what I want don’t you ?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole bed by the looks of it!”

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do ?” Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”

Paddy is shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. He said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

Currency corner:

Not much to say about this weeks movements except the interesting strengthening in the Euro against the US$, despite the ECB interest rate reduction. I now believe that we are in ‘no lose’ territory with the $/Euro. Looking at the relative outlooks for both economies, the $ is now at a low and you can expect a ‘move back’ towards 1.30 over the next few weeks. The UK economy while recovering still has an over-valued currency.

Equity corner:

Well what can I say. Spectacular. Fantastic. Superb. Yes all these and more superlatives. The past 7 weeks has seen an amazing rebound in equity prices. We are now at a point where I would have to warn against being ‘caught’ in the Summer price correction – something I am now predicting. But many global bourses are now HIGHER than they were at the start of the year. And some are ahead by double-digits. Our BP had another great week. Another 8% growth. So where do we go for the next few weeks. I think we should just leave the markets now for the Summer. There will be selective opportunities due to ‘over-correction’ on the downside. This week I do recommend (although I accept it is a boring stock who have produced results recently) Smith and Nephew. If you want something more ‘exciting’ I think Vodafone is a 6 week certainty