Homeschool Housewife

Being a Christian isn't easy...

2013-02-02T13:53:00.002-06:00

The last year has been hard. My dad of course passed away, but that just wasn't the end of the hard. My son Tyler has had quite a few things come up that have been super tough for him. Partially because he has been dealing with being a teenager, partially because he has been dealing with the loss of my dad who was like a second dad to him, and partially because the stuff he has been facing is pretty sucktastic.

And of course he has not always made good choices in the middle of it all. Some were stupid, some were hurtful, and some damaged his reputation. Then there is this anger... This sadness... This lack of self worth.

It has been devastating to our family. We changed churches, that helped a little because one of the issues was at church, but still the anger was almost constant. The self recrimination constant. We have tried a lot of things since then, but none of it has brought my boy back all the way. And really the hits keep coming. The person who he had conflict with at our last church is coming to our new church, his best friend invited 2 boys that took the other side of the conflict to his birthday party and didn't want there to be tension there so he didn't invite Tyler... He is scared of what is coming and hurt at how some of the people he thought were his friends really aren't.

The other night he was almost belligerent. He felt like the church had lied to him about God, that they tell you how God looked into the future and saw YOU and loved you enough to send Jesus to die. And that once you accept Jesus as your Savior you are washed clean and life is all flowers and rainbows. And that the whole thing is crap.

My response was "Well, not the WHOLE thing. Most of that is true, just take a way the flowers and rainbows part. Cause the Bible doesn't say that." It doesn't. Life as a Christian is HARD. God is constantly refining us like the most precious metal and that means there is a forge of fire and a hammer to beat us into shape often with very little time in between for rest. And ANYONE who tells you life as a follower of Christ is easy or full of everything good and nothing bad doesn't know their Bible. Not one bit. The apostles themselves were closest to Christ and instrumental in building the early church and THEIR lives certainly were NOT flowers and rainbows. They were beaten, stoned, crucified, shipwrecked, exiled, and lived lives of poverty. They were reviled and rejected, banned from towns, jeered at when they spoke the truth, and constantly suffering for the cause of Christ. Why would we ever believe our life would be easier for that if we follow as faithfully?

Here in America we have it easy! We are allowed to worship, allowed to pray in public, allowed to carry our Bibles ANYWHERE and not fear. Others in the world are not so blessed. But still it isn't easy.

Tyler then asked WHY. Why would God ever look forward and see him and decided he was worth it? Well isn't that the most difficult question? I love my kids, more than anyone who is not a mother could understand. And I don't think I love ANYONE enough to sacrifice my child for them. I don't think I even love a whole bunch of people enough to sacrifice my child. Me? Sure. If my child or someone I loved was in danger and it required sacrificing myself? I could do that, but in His wisdom that isn't what God did. He didn't leave Jesus in Heaven to watch over things while He came to earth as a sacrifice. I think as parents we could have understood that. He gave His Son. His ONLY Son. For me, for you, for Tyler. And we don't really get that. We cannot comprehend that.

So we have to content ourselves with imagining. I didn't create my children like God creates things, but I did carry them and give birth to them. Their DNA is 50% mine and while I don't own them, they are MINE like nothing else. I love my husband, and I have faith in him, but someday he could choose not to be mine any more and I couldn't do anything about it, but my children will always be mine. Even if they don't want to be. Does that make sense? They could move across the world, never speak to me again, and hate me with every fiber of their being and they would still be mine. They cannot escape my love. I think God is like that, but His love is even bigger, even stronger, even more infinite and more pure. He loves us. And Jesus loves us. And so the Gospel came to pass.

Tyler is having a hard time understanding that love. He is still a child, he has never been a parent. He just can't even come close to comprehending. So he struggles to try and make sense of feeling loved that much when he sees himself as worthless. I am confident we will get there. God and I love him too much to give up.

The life of a homeschool mom...

2012-10-13T16:39:00.002-05:00

A sweet friend of mine recently started homeschooling her children who are the same age as my children. Prior to this they had both been attending private schools, but it had just reached the point where Mom and Dad were doing so much tutoring and homework in the evenings and weekends they stopped seeing the value.

On Thursday we all went with our homeschool group to a local fire department for a tour (it was AWESOME!) and then over to her house for a visit. While visiting she kept lamenting the state of her home (not that bad!) and apologizing. She said she just never had TIME any more! She got up plenty early, did the homeschool thing, and then tackled as much as she could get done before she fell into bed exhausted, but she just couldn't manage like she used to. Because her children and their education were her priority her home and her hobbies and her relaxation were taking a huge hit. I was really proud of her. Because the thing is?

Yeah. We get that don't we? I mean we educate our children, run to park day, go on field trips, help in church, cook THREE meals a day (no school breakfasts or lunches provided), do dishes, pick up, clean, lesson plan, pay bills, and for many of us work a part time job. There isn't much time for crafty goodness or deep cleaning except the weekend. And really? Wouldn't we ALL like to just take some time off and relax and enjoy our friends and family?

Today I have made blueberry gluten free pancakes and chocolate chip regular pancakes, trimmed the dog (I hate this job!!) cleaned the porch and living room from top to bottom, vacuumed the hall, cleaned the bathroom (not the tub, someone else has to do the tub), worked on lesson plans, organized a chore system that I am PRAYING, wishing, and hoping works better than the last 8,952 we tried, and half way cleaned the homeschool table off for next week. I have moderated our homeschool group's message boards, checked my email and facebook for work, emailed 4 clients, and still have lots left to do.

Cause the trimmed dog needs a bath, the kitchen needs dishes done, counters cleaned, the floor swept and scrubbed and oh, yeah, these people want to eat AGAIN! That doesn't even mention my room which WAS PERFECT until the boys got in there to do "construction" to run a cable wire. Now it is a nightmare because the job is taking ALL DAY and they are on their 854th break. Sigh.

Do you have days like this? Days where you know you are following God's plan to educate your children but covet the life of a stay at home mom with public or private school children? Where you think about how clean your house would be if you were the only one home all day? How nice and organized things would be if you had an extra 8 hours a day to get to it?

I think we all do. All homeschool moms reach this day. And probably? Tomorrow someone will say something that leads me to believe they think I am just a stay at home mom. Or someone will look around at my life and have that look that says "What do you DO all day????"

So today I am going to pray for you. That you see the blessing of this life. That you find the joy in serving God through serving your family. That you find the ONE clean room of your house and take just a moment to revel in its perfection. Spray some pretty smelling spray or light a candle and take pride in your accomplishment. Know that you are understood, know that you are loved, and know that you are prayed for. Right now. Right where you are. Much love bloggy buddies!!

How does your faith line up with your politics?

2012-10-13T00:19:00.000-05:00

Recently on Facebook there has been QUITE a bit of political talk and most of it is not only rude, but down right ugly. My fellow Christians are showing such blatant disdain for the other side's opinion and issues that I wonder some times what they are thinking. Because they just aren't looking much like Jesus.

And really? I think I am confused. I was talking to a friend about the idea that Republicans are VERY against Medicaid, Food Stamps, WIC and other social programs that help the poor. I expressed that I didn't understand how that attitude fell in line with their faith that says over and over to care for the poor, the widows, the orphans, the lame... She said it was that they didn't want government mandating their giving. Well ok. I guess I can see that. But then how does it work that they DO want government to mandate what marriage is and that abortion is murder? I mean if you don't want government interference when it comes to your money why is it ok when it comes to your marriage or your pregnancy?

Don't get me wrong, I think that the Christian idea of marriage is between a man and a woman and I do believe that abortion is murder. HOWEVER, I don't think it is up to me to push my faith on the masses. And I certainly don't believe it is up to the government to mandate how the country should act more "Christian."

So how are we supposed to do it? What is the answer? For me? It is doing what I know to be right with God as much as possible. To love my neighbor, gay or straight, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim. To teach my children what a strong marriage looks like, to tell my children about God, about Jesus, and try each day to show them what living in Christ looks like.

Here is the thing though, I just don't really know what that does to my political stance. I believe in voting. I believe if you don't vote you can't complain and I will do anything to preserve my right to complain. I also believe our vote is our voice and it should be heard and not thrown away. But really???? Who the heck am I voting for this year? I have no idea. Probably Romney. But only because he might be the lesser of two evils, not my much but there ya go. I certainly won't be putting the bumper sticker on my car or cheering as he speaks. I mean really? Ick.

Overall? I can't wait until December. Let's just get this done. Because once I know who our next president will be I will just commit my time to praying for him and that God uses him to work for the good of our country. What do YOU think?

Burden...

2012-09-20T19:20:00.000-05:00

As a mother do you ever just get tired? Tired of being the bad guy? Tired of being the doer of all things, the supporter of all? Do you ever feel like you are supported by none? Alone in your struggles?

That is where I am right now. Dwayne is working a crazy amount of hours and I am doing this thing quite by myself. That would be hard all by itself, but throw a teenager into the mix and I am feeling pretty burdened.

The thing is as a mom, it is so easy to look around and see those moms who seemingly have it all. Their kids are well dressed with their hair all nice, they themselves look like they had time to leisurely drink coffee and have quiet time and then get a full 30 to 45 minutes alone to do their hair and make up and pick coordinating accessories. Their children are homeschooled, they take Latin, they love to play and spend time with their brothers and sisters, they excel at some sort of sport... The mom's have beautiful homes decorated perfectly, they craft, they cook, they bake their own darn bread! Their husband's have good jobs that allow them to be home each night for dinner and on weekends, they go to the theater or sporting events, their children are in all the classes and clubs...

And I am a mess! I rarely have accessories on at all, much less coordinating. I bought an expensive flat iron thingy 2 or 3 years ago? My hair looks terrible when I play with it and it takes FOREVER and a week to do it (I have a LOT of hair), so I just blow dry it with a round brush. My children look presentable, but they are not in brand name clothes and if we are going to church? More than likely someone has bed head that I will not notice until they are walking into Sunday School ahead of me. My children are homechooled, but quite frequently I feel like I am not doing enough. We don't do Latin, my kids are smart, they are doing ok, but I am regularly overwhelmed at how to best use my 24 hours to turn them into the geniuses who speak 9 languages and cure cancer. Most days I am sure they will be the crazy guy on the clocktower screaming to the crowd below that it is my fault. And when the SWAT team barges into their apartment to check for other evidence? It will be FILTHY with dishes and laundry everywhere but the dishwasher and hamper. Because my children do not believe in using those things.

Lately I have been having to cook a lot of things from scratch because Tyler is allergic to EVERYTHING. We didn't know. It wasn't like I have been TRYING to kill him all these years by pumping him full of corn, gluten, wheat, soy, sesame seeds, and things. I had no idea! We even had allergy testing done! But, different testing has shown it and now I have to learn to cook pretty much everything from scratch using things I have never bought before. Like did you KNOW? Rice? It takes a LONG TIME to cook. I had only ever used minute rice before. I had no idea. Making my own bread? It is probably coming, but seriously? I will not be cheerful about it. There is not going to be that Betty Crocker/June Cleaver moment where I don an apron and smile my day away. I am GRUMPY about all this cooking.

Seriously, I didn't have all that much extra time before! Now the grocery bill has tripled, the cooking takes 3 times as long and makes 10 times the mess, and while the food is good? Homemade spanish rice is not all THAT much better than the stuff in the little bag you buy for a dollar. Just sayin'.

And I can't post any of that on Facebook. I don't have anyone that will just look at me in my stressed out mess and tell me that all these things do not make me a failure. They do not make me the worst mom in the history of moms, even though my 13 year old is pretty sure it does. Dwayne tries, he really does. But the man is exhausted and really? He just cannot comprehend. In his mind his responsibility is the job and the income. He is the "hunter gatherer" kind of guy. The responsibility of the rest of it? The worry over the outcome? That is mine. Which is fine. And when I say "fine" what I really mean is "it sucks, but I don't know how to get it to be anything else so I am trying to deal."

Ever have that moment? That week? Year? Month? Lifetime? Well, at least know you aren't alone! And somehow? Somehow surely we will get through it together! And no matter who's kid ends up on the clocktower? Can we just promise right here and now that when the mom is on the news crying and saying she did her best? We will nod and know in our hearts that she did. Cause this mom thing is HARD! Praying for you bloggy buddies. Whoever you are, wherever live, a whatever season of life you are in, you are in my prayers. Much love!

Late night confessions...

2012-08-17T05:13:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon (well, really today) my family and I are supposed to leave right after lunch to go to the river for the weekend. We have planned a quick getaway of family fun and relaxation where more than likely 85% of us will come home sunburned but 100% of us will be happy. That is the plan anyway! :0)

The thing is? I overcommitted myself again. I think it has something to do with the way I pronounce no. It keeps coming out sounding a bit like "Sure!" or sometimes I say it right, but just accidentally add a word on the end like "No problem!" Partially because I really like to please people, but mostly because the stuff people ask me to be a part of sounds like fun!

So here I find myself up at 4:47 in the morning with a long list of to dos that HAVE to get done before I am allowed to leave. Because you cannot possibly go away for the weekend and leave the house less than spotless. And really? It helps to you know... PACK.

But the reason I stop and take a break from the to-doing to blog is this, I needed to confess. To someone. And you, my dear anonymous bloggy buddies seemed like a good solution. Are you ready? Got your confession ears on?

I have a compulsive addiction that renders me incapable of throwing away cords. It really doesn't matter what kind. Printer cables, A/C adapters, USB splitters, USB charger wires, extension cords, surge protectors... I keep them all. Which may sound somewhat normal, but it has sadly gone quite beyond the realm of what anyone can call normal.

It all started so innocent! I got a cell phone, it came with a wire. We purchased a DVD player it came with wires. We bought different wires because we fell into the belief that some wires were BETTER than other wires and hey, we had disposable income why NOT have the better wire. Still we saved the sub-par free wires, you know... Just in case!

I think it really started to spiral out of control when we had kids. The world was quickly becoming more and more electronic. Game systems, rechargable toys, RC Cars, video cameras, digital cameras, wires to get the stuff off the cameras and on to the computer or TV, digital picture frames, and every 2 years rain or shine we got a new cell phone. We purchased Christmas lights and fun things to decorate the house, that meant we needed timers and wires so that the whole tree ran to one plug that we could turn on with a tap of our toe, dusk to dawn sensor plug strips came in, and things were good.

But now? Now I have all these WIRES! They are EVERYWHERE. In my car, in my room, in the garage, in the attic, packed at storage, I even found one in my BIBLE BAG! The largest problem I seem to be facing is the fact that I have no idea what most of these wires go to. Old phones? Or something we still use? A toy that broke and got thrown away or the new expensive airsoft rifle? I ASK people! I promise I do! But they tell me they don't know either! So I consider throwing them all away. I mean REALLY, if we don't know what they go to and they just keep sitting there, how important can they possibly be?????

But what if they are? That is my nightmare. I dread the day when I will find I have thrown away a wire that we NEED or that goes to something expensive I can't replace. So I keep them. All ziptied up for sanity's sake, and to appease my OCD tendencies. I keep them indefinitely and each year the collection grows.

Someone needs to start a 12 step program. Or even a wire rehabilitation program. I would join! Until then? I am stuck. Wires, wires everywhere but nothing needs to be plugged in...

Ya'll pray. And then tell me what YOUR thing is... What silly thing can't YOU let go of? Twist ties? Odd socks? The 1 earring whose mate you haven't seen in ages? Come on people! Help a girl out... Surely the insanity isn't mine alone? Is it? :0)

Have a great weekend guys!

Homeschool moments away from home...

2012-06-20T20:04:00.000-05:00

So, we are away from home, but the world is our classroom!

Today we focused on SCIENCE!

When I told the Dwayne and the kids to go get some seaweed and shake it over an empty bucket they all looked at me like I was a little wackado. They did it though. They know me. :0)

Here is Colby shaking and trying to see if anything is happening.

Kori picked up the seaweed and quickly dropped it.

It was "yucky" but she still wanted to see the action, so she supervised. :0)

Determined to help she added water to a bucket for the sea creatures we were finding. :0)

WAIT! WHO IS THIS?????

Is that TYLER????

Have Mercy! The teenager has come home!

View this as a prodigal son moment. The child has spent the entire time with his new friends.

Now the discoveries... Excuse the grass and things.

I used a clear dish so we could see the little beasties best, but it made them difficult to photograph.

See the little crab and shrimp down in the corner???

A little larger crab and another shrimp.

Homeschooling success is measured in SMILES!!

Homeschool success is measured by the interest the participants display. :0)

I couldn't get in there to take pictures because I was in the WAY!

They were trying to LOOK!

Homeschool success can be measured by the random teenage friends that have to come see too!

And while my picture doesn't show it, we also had to bring it to the pool to show others, and stop to show the parents and aunts and grandparents of the random teenage friends.

Cause this experiment was considered SUPER COOL!

And the time together? Well, isn't that just the BEST part of homeschooling?

Being there for that moment when you come up with something that fires the enthusiasm and imagination of the kids around you and leaves them begging to do it again?

Getaway time!!!

2012-06-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever needed a getaway? Since my dad passed away life has been... Yup. That's about it. The renovations are done, the house is back to normal, but we needed to take a break. So mom rented us a condo right on the beach. When you look out my bedroom patio this is what you see. A whole lot of NOTHING. We are down quite a bit from the closest house and the beach is normally only occupied with the friends we are making here at the condo.

So far the kids favorite thing is the POOL. That's right.

We are at the beach, and they want the pool.

I would show you a picture of Tyler, but he was over talking to teenagers.

Mostly girls. :0P

FINALLY we got the kids to the beach.

Again, Tyler was hanging with friends, but the little ones were fun to jump waves with.

Colby was ALWAYS ready to play in the surf, Kori who gets to go to the beach more often was happy playing in the sand and going out looking for crabs with flashlights at night.

So far it has been a wonderful getaway and it is only the second day!

I can't wait to see what the rest of the week brings!

Other people's kids

2012-05-27T01:43:00.001-05:00

Today we went to a get together at the home of a family from our Sunday school class. I LOVE my Sunday school class. If you don't love yours? You should come to mine. These people are FUNNY and godly and just awesome. I would go to Sunday school EVERY DAY if I could. So, seeing these people on a SATURDAY? AMAZING!

But I think the coolest part of the day, was spending time with other people's kids. See I have a 13 and 7 year old. BOYS. I occasionally get to hang out with my niece Kori who is 5. Every Wednesday (much to my joy and delight) I get 30 girls to hang out with, but other than that? Just my kids. All the time.

Now, don't get me wrong I love my kids. They are pretty spectacular, but every once in a while? It is FUN to be around littler kids. It is FUN to be around bigger kids. Just to throw something different in there.

Today I got to hang out with some families that have toddlers and OH WHAT A JOY it was. It has been a while since I had anyone talk in that just learning to put words together and explain things way. And these kids? They have some great parents who have raised them to be funny and respectful and just a little ornery. :0) Which happens to be my favorite combination of character traits.

One little boy was able to go out to the goat and chicken pen and check the hen house for eggs. If you could have seen him! All excited with his egg, cluched in 2 hands. He was so excited he was clutching it and shaking it around just a little. I don't know if we were more worried he would crack it in his tight grip or drop it while shaking it. I asked him if he wanted to show his mommy the egg and his face just lit up! Then he was skipping along with the egg squeezed tight in 2 hands BEHIND his back! All the adults were walking hands out around him, ready to catch him, catch the egg, or just be there to pick up the pieces.

He made it to the kitchen though, egg intact to present his discovery to his mom. She oohhed and ahhhed just like any mom would, and asked him if he would like her to cook this egg for his breakfast tomorrow. He was scandalized! "No Mommy. We cannot cook the chicken."

She tried to explain it was ok there was no chicken in this egg. To which he replied, "Then where to the chickens come from?"

It was so funny to see this mom, and most of the surrounding adults flummoxed! Because chickens DO come from eggs, but since there is no rooster? There was no baby chicken in THIS egg. But how on earth do you explain that to a 3 year old? She ultimately went for distraction and that worked. :0)

Another little girl who is right at the same age, and has Dwayne wrapped QUITE firmly around her little finger had us laughing at her antics as she tried to stay on a turtle shaped floaty.

It was such a great day. I can't wait to have more of them!

Four and a half months...

2012-05-27T00:13:00.001-05:00

Losing my dad has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Well, no. I guess LOSING him was easy, living with the loss is the hard thing. It jumps out and surprises you. Like you are just walking along doing something and something reminds you of the person you miss.

Still, I am doing ok. My mom is doing ok. My kids are doing ok. We each have our sad times, but we are sticking together and making it through.

Tonight though, one of my Facebook friends had a post that made me stop and go to her timeline thingy and read back a few days. It appears that in all this new fangled technology that Facebook has blessed us with I had missed that her Dad passed away a few days ago. He had been sick with cancer for quite some time and she had been right there, doing her best to help him through.

But now he is gone and she is trying to pull together a funeral and put together a slide show and it just hasn't been easy. And I so know where she is right now. In those moments where adrenaline and the idea that you will do what needs to be done until you cannot possibly do anything else are the only thing getting you through. For me those days came before my dad passed. See, Daddy blessed us with the request that we not have a funeral. I know that sounds so odd! So contrary to what people do, but it was honestly the greatest gift. Because instead of running around planning this elaborate affair and making sure people knew and picking clothes to wear and flowers and music and someone to speak? We were asked to come together and just remember him, laugh, eat, and love on each other. Mostly it was just my family, but there were some friends who came by too. The real friends. The ones who you don't have to talk to for months and months, but when push comes to shove they stand by your side and love you in your mess.

So, for me it was before Dad died. Night after night at the hospital, caring for him. After there was so little to do I kept looking for something. And when there was nothing that really needed doing I laid down on the floor in the living room in front of the fire and fell asleep. I pray my friend can get through tomorrow and have that moment. You need the rest. You need to just shut your brain off and pretend it is going to be ok. Just for a moment.

Praying for her has brought back a bit of my sad. Not so much for me, not really even because of my dad. More just a sympathy that says I know where you are, and it stinks. I know where you will be for a while... It stinks too. And since I am not close? I pray and send hugs that I hope reach her telepathically. But I rest in the knowledge that even if MY hugs don't reach her? My Daddy God has arms wide enough and strong enough to hold her up.

And so ends another year...

2012-05-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight was our AWANA awards ceremony. Every year I reach this point, a little sad, a little relieved, and a lot exhausted. I don't know why, I LOVE leading the T & T girls. I love the work I do, I love teaching, I wouldn't trade the memories for anything. But like a public school kid I am READY for summer. Ready for a break.

This is the first year I am not teaching VBS. I decided not to last year. The day before it started. Because I was wiped out. Finishing a homeschool year, working, planning a huge family vacation, teaching AWANA and handling the stuff I handle because Dwayne works so much had just worn me out. At our last church VBS was a little later in the summer, and the work days were more spread out so it didn't seem quite as hard. Eventhough I taught Sunday school and did AWANA there too... I don't know fully why it has been different, I just know it has. Last year at this time I was sick, this year at this time I am sick. I think my body is so busy getting all the things done that need doing it just doesn't have what it needs to fight off the cold and stuffy nose of allergy season. So, last year? Feeling exhasuted, burned out and not at ALL ready to say Yea-yea-yea-yea-YES to VBS? I decided not to do it this year.

I told other people. I made myself accountable to say NO. Because I know full well how much I hate saying no. I mean really, isn't YES so much easier to say? Not easier to DO, but much easier to say. Yes makes people happy. Happy people like you. And I like very much being liked. But I just felt that God was telling me where I needed to be and it wasn't VBS. Not this year. Maybe not last year either.

So, I stuck to my guns in the most cowardly way possible. I didn't say ANYTHING. I didn't say YES, but I didn't say NO either. But, the problem was? No one asked me anything. No one said, "so are you looking forward to VBS?" or "are you going to the VBS convention?" Nothing, so I got to keep saying no to just me. Then Tyler, my sweet and wonderful oldest son started talking about helping in VBS. And of course Colby would GO to VBS... And I started feeling all resigned to just say, well... You know... Not no.

I mean I was going to have to be up there early to get Tyler there, and I was going to have to wait with Colby until it was time for it to start, and then I was going to have to be back up there to pick them up a few hours later... Might as well just help right?

But God has a way of getting you to do what HE wants. He had told me to say no. I had heard it, but He knows my heart. He knows how much I like to say yes and make people happy so they like me. So, after my dad died when Mom was planning a week at the beach for our whole family, my brain was so frazzled I didn't say anything about what dates would work best for us. And her brain was so frazzled she didn't ask. It ended up that our week at the beach? The trip my dad asked us to take together? It is the week of VBS. So I get to choose, say yes and maybe have the Children's pastor like me a little better (and I am pretty sure he likes me anyway since he is a sweet friend) and not do what my daddy asked, or do what my dad asked us to do, take my kids to the beach, enjoy my family, rest and relax, and say no.

So I said no. And I haven't budged. Even though Tyler is a little mad that he doesn't get to help, even though Colby will miss VBS, even though I love the kids, I said no.

Tonight? Well there is no amazing lesson. No incredible discovery. But I felt like maybe I needed to record this and remember the one time I did it. Because I don't know that I will be brave enough to do it next time! :0) And well, maybe you need to say no to something? Something you love even? And this way you can know, it isn't just hard for you. We all deal with those guilt feelings. The thing is though, we cannot be all things to all people, we have to pick and choose. For me this time the choice was clear, it isn't always. That makes it harder. You just have to stop every once in a while and look around. Are you saying yes to the things that really matter? Are you saying yes where God WANTS you to say yes? Or are you saying yes because you always do, and maybe on accident getting your priorities off track? I swear sometimes I feel like I am just muddling through this whole life thing. Someday it gets easier right? I sure hope so!

Riding in the car with children...

2012-05-10T12:05:00.001-05:00

Every Wednesday my niece Kori goes to AWANA with us. We pick her up from preschool, have dinner together and then everyone goes off for their class time. She is 5 years old and has been such a blessing to me, the mom of boys. She is a bit of a tomboy, but she has that diva princess thing down pat! My whole family loves having her with us as much as her parents will let us have her. But, she and Colby? Well they are as close as close can be, but they fight like brother and sister. They share secrets, they share dreams of adventure, but they won't take any crap from the other. It makes me laugh, it makes my mom crazy. She thinks they are mean to each other, but I know exactly how much love is behind that bossing or fussing. They are free to be themselves with each other because the love and friendship is unconditional.

Last night Cole and Kori rode with me to take Kori home after AWANA and Tyler rode with Dwayne to go to our house. When Colby saw Dwayne turn the other way out of the parking lot he asked if he could call his dad on my phone. I said no, but the following conversation took place behind me.

Kori: How are you going to call him? Do you know his number?

Colby: No. My mom has him in her contacts. You just push his picture. Show her mom. (I held up the phone and showed Dwayne's picture with Mr Incredible)

Colby: Did you know when I was your age I was afraid of Mr. Incredible? (You can read that story HERE)

Kori: Why? He's a good guy!

Colby: Well he's REALLY big! Like 7 feet tall.

Kori: So he is as tall as God?

Colby: No, the Lord is like FIFTY feet tall.

Kori: WOW! God is almost as tall as BIGFOOT!

Colby: How tall is Bigfoot?

Kori: Fifteen feet. You know someday I am going to go into the forest and get a picture of Bigfoot.

Colby: Ok. YOU get a picture of Bigfoot and I will get a picture of the AB-dominal (you know the monster named after your tummy muscle? LOL!) Snowman.

Kori: He doesn't live in the forest.

Colby: No, he lives in the Himalayas.

Kori: Ok. You can go there. I am going to go into the forest and find Bigfoot. And if I CAN'T find him? I am going to turn someone into Bigfoot so I can take THEIR picture.

Colby: How do you turn someone in to a Bigfoot???

Kori: Well you just get some brown. And you put it all over them. But not their face and hands. The face and hands are orange. (I am imagining her with a marker and some unsuspecting camper, probably her father getting colored up)

Colby: ORANGE?? (giggling) Orange would look funny.

Kori: Yeah (giggling too) That is funny. But it's just KIND of orange.

Colby: You know what would be funny? PURPLE! (at this point they are cracking up!)

Kori: Purple is AMAZING! That would be great! What about PINK! (More laughter ensues)

At this point we are turning on to Kori's street and I see her Dad walking out the front door, but I don't want to stop! I want to keep driving. I want to circle around and hear some more. I could have missed it. I could have been on the phone or listening to music, tuning them out, but I am so glad I didn't. Kids are FUNNY! And if you don't listen you might miss it!

Looking out...

2012-05-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

I recently posted about how my journey with anti-depressants had been going. I have to say there have been some more improvements. It is easier to choose joy, to see the good, to control my temper...

I have caught myself noticing the good around me. I didn't even know I was missing it before! Like did you know? My husband is pretty amazing. He is consistently putting up with my crazy, making me laugh, helping me grow, supporting me in everything I do. He texts me pretty regularly that he loves me or that he thinks I am beautiful. I had forgotten to notice how special that is.

My kids... They are STINKIN' FUNNY!! All the time! They make me laugh every day, they make me proud just as often. My favorite thing I have noticed? How often these 2 boys hug each other and say I love you to each other. They fight like CRAZY and annoy each other to no end, but 5 minutes later all is forgotten and they are hugging for no reason.

My mom... Turns out? Those things she was expecting of me? Weren't all that impossible! I just had no idea how low I was. How many things had been put off or not done well because I was apparently quite depressed. And now that I realize this? Her support through these times has meant a lot.

Now I am noticing things I have been doing I need to change. Behaviors I didn't realize I had. Like I had pulled away from having friendships a bit. I thought a little it was everyone else, but it turns out I have been so overwhelmed I didn't even realize I wasn't being the friend I needed to be. I have been distancing myself from people unintentionally. Not because I don't talk to them, or enjoy them... I don't know how to change this yet. These are some bad habits to have, but I am working on it.

Today I filled out a card to help in some new areas of my church. I think maybe I need something a little different. I will still do the AWANA thing until God shows me He wants me to do something else because I love those girls, but I am also going to try out serving in the nursery one weekend a month and see if I can help in youth over the summer while AWANA is off. I have added ALL the events from the bulletin that would be of interest to my family in my calendar and we are doing it.

I am signing my kids up for a weekly class for next year as well as returning to the monthly museum classes. And we are going to get out a bit more. Maybe I can stretch myself a little and keep moving forward...

2012-05-01T16:40:00.000-05:00

The summer has been home renovation time around here! A few years ago I accidently broke a pipe and flooded the house, so almost the entire thing had been redone. The kitchen though needed to be next. My amazing, wonderful, handsome brother had a friend who builds cabinets for a great price so mom and I looked at wood, stains, hardware, tile, and countertops.

My brother and Tyler got in there and tore out EVERYTHING including the out dated soffeting and we got to order the 40 inch cabinets!! These things store SO MUCH MORE!!! They are amazing! We also ordered the top cabinets a little deeper so that casserole dishes fit length wise and took up less room.

My FAVORITE thing about the kitchen is the sink. The right side is larger and 9 inches deep. It will hold my biggest pots and pans including the handle. You can easily wash cookie sheets or pizza pans. It is fabulously awesome. I also like the cabinet above the sink. I easily holds my big ol crock pot, the soup turreen, and all my vases.

The other thing I love is how empty the counters are now. Sure we still have the fruit and coffee supplies, but there is room in cabinets for everything else. There is even a HUGE cabinet above the refrigerator that hold ALL MY CHINA AND CRYSTAL. All of it. The entire china cabinet full went up there safe and out of the way. That gave us more room in the dining area. Win win!!

In the middle of the kitchen rehab I was taking a shower, shaving my legs, and accidently put my toe through the tile. Tyler STILL teases me about my bionic toe. Apparently we had a slow leak in the wall and it had gotten JUST wet enough to weaken the backer board. The weakened board was no longer strong enough to hold up the tile against toes as tough as mine. I swear, if I cause one more bathroom accident they may quit letting me in there!

In retaliation my family purchased a solid surface shower surround. No more tile for me! They are concerned my bionic toe might fritz out again, but they are pretty sure I can't get through 1/4" fiberglass. I guess we will see. :0)

So now I am getting things back to normal... Are things EVER back to normal? We seem to jump from one project to the next! But we are going to try. Put things in their place and KEEP THEM THERE! Can I hear an Amen? And a prayer that my toe keeps to itself?

How about a little grace?

2012-05-01T16:37:00.000-05:00

Today my Tyler had a teenage thing. Nothing life ending, but he wasn't living up to our standards and beliefs. Again. We had a repeat of a problem that we had before, and I just felt a little lost. I mean really, what the HECK am I supposed to do? I have talked, I have yelled, I have cried, I have grounded... What on earth is left???

So we talked. And he talked. And my mom instincts said take everything away for the rest of his life or until he moves out. Whichever came first... And the way I was feeling, it might be death before adulthood.

Then we reached the point in our conversation where he had nothing left to say, and I had nothing left to say and I was ready for him to leave my room. But he didn't leave and that left me sitting staring into space wondering how to do this differently. Because the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

Here is what God gave me... I have done MANY things wrong. I have done MANY things that I am ashamed of. Horribly ashamed. But I cannot go back and undo them. After people found out what I had done I was punished by losing privileges, or worse relationships. Apologizing didn't fix it, living right didn't fix it, nothing fixed it. I was left dealing with the consequences, feeling remorse and never knowing earthly forgiveness. The end result was I began to feel bitter toward the people I had wronged. I knew I had done a terrible thing, but I needed forgiveness and in the face of constant judgement I saw my heart turning in a way that wasn't pretty.

But God? He forgave me. Absolutely forgave. Fully and completely forgave and forgot. If I take it to Him now? He has no idea what I am talking about. I remind Him and I think maybe after all these years He is sitting in Heaven saying to Jesus "Why does she keep talking about this??? It is over and done! I forget and she feels the need to remind me!" He has to be frustrated!

The result of His grace and mercy is that I draw nearer to Him. I rely on Him. I trust Him with the big things and the little things.

I decided today to give my son some grace. He was lying on my bed, crying and feeling horrible and I just said, "Ok. We are going to try something different today. We are going to try grace."

The crying stopped and he asked what I meant. "Grace. Like God gives me, every day. You are completely forgiven, there are no consequences, I love you and I hope you make better choices from this point on."

Let me tell you, if the crying was big and sincere before? It was more once he heard that. He just fully broke down. And then he asked, "Mom is this what God told you to do?" I nodded and he said, "When you said it I just felt forgiven. I heard God saying in my heart that He loves me and that YOU love me." I told him that was exactly right. I DO love him. I can't ever stop. Neither can God. We won't give up on him.

I don't know if this will change anything. I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, but it was what God laid in front of me to do. And I have to trust that He knows my son's heart better than I do.

I have said it before, and I am sure I will say it again, this parenting teenagers thing is HARD. Super hard, but I wouldn't trade these moments with my sons for anything. The sweet times are so much greater than the bitter.

A month later...

2012-04-27T15:48:00.001-05:00

Since I am pretty much all about honest introspection and oversharing I had to write this post today.

It has been almost exactly a month since my last post and quite a bit has changed. A month ago I was feeling extremely low, I was overwhelmed with just not caring. I wasn't just sad. I was in despair. Full of anguish. I am taking a Beth Moore class on the book of James and she talked about in a lesson I heard that anguish is not just sadness it is a full mental distress. She gives these examples:

Pain + Anxiety = Anguish

Suffering + Dread = Anguish

Hurt + Harrassment = Anguish

When I heard her say that I just though at the time it so aptly described what I was going through. But even then I was seeing things through the eyes of someone coming away from that.

See about 3 months ago I was trying so hard to hold it all together, keep the pain of losing my dad in that it was causing me physical anxiety. It got to the point that when I went to the doctor for something completely different I ended up leaving with Xanax and blood pressure medicine. Now I am not a drug girl. We deal with pretty much every addiction under the sun somewhere in my family, and so I am pretty cautious about how many pills I take. But since I felt stretched so tight I thought if someone patted my shoulder I might shatter. So I took the pill at night for about 2 weeks. I have to tell you it helped, but it was along way from fixing what was going on. It really just allowed me to breathe again.

Then a little over a month ago I was sitting not doing anything really when I realized it had been 3 days since I had showered. I am a compulsive every day shower girl. I feel ICKY if I don't shower ever day. But that day? I really didn't care. I mean I wasn't GOING anywhere, no one but my family could see me... Did it matter? And when THAT thought came out? I realized this was not going away and it was pretty bad. I started looking around and realized I wasn't on top of my job like I like to be, my housework was not getting done, my children were not being loved on, and I needed to get drastic and change the direction I was headed.

I went back to the doctor and was honest. She talked to me a while, but more than that she LISTENED and put me on Pristiq, an anti depressant. I did not have high hopes. I had taken anti depressants for post partum after Tyler was born and honestly, they seemed like they were so subjective! I would take them for 3 weeks the doctor would ask how I felt, I wouldn't really be seeing a difference, so he would up them. Or switch to something different. I didn't even really understand what the doctor was expecting me to feel so how could I possibly answer the question?

A week into Pristiq I felt completely different. I didn't care yet, but the world felt lighter. I can't explain it better than that. I just felt like while I still carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, someone had inflated it with helium. 2 weeks later I started doing things like putting on make up when I was just staying home, remembering to wear jewelry places, and caring if my room was clean...

Now, I am not saying this is a wonder drug that will work for everyone. However in the spirit of honesty and openness I have to tell you it worked for me. Because for me? I haven't felt like this in so long I don't remember EVER feeling like this. I smile more, I yell less, I do things I didn't realize I had slowly given up doing, I feel BETTER. So if you are depressed? If you maybe are taking medicine and it isn't working? Try something new. Don't give up. If you aren't taking medication because maybe this is how you just ARE? Go talk to your doctor.

God tells up to CHOOSE Joy. And He would not tell us to do something if it were impossible for some of us. We have to be capable of really choosing it, not of just putting a fake face on it. If you can't? You might need some help. Much love bloggy buddies. Praying joy for each of you this minute!

The Ah-ha moment...

2012-03-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, if only I could go back to this moment and know half of what I know now I would do things differently? I do this all the time...

If I could go back to 13 I would do better in school and value myself more. If I could go back to 16 I would treat someone better. If I could go back to 18 I would grow the heck up and get over myself. 19 I would make better financial choices. 21 I would wait to buy the house and the car and put more money away. Almost every year there would be things I would change if I could. I could probably rewind to some of my earliest memories and have things I would change... To be better, to have a different outcome, to be smarter...

And since I COULDN'T go back I settled for constantly hoping for the future. "If only this would happen, then I could..." or "When THIS happens we will..." All those scenarios end with the thought "and then it will be better."

But when my dad passed away it made me stop for a minute and realize, as crappy as some things have been... As crushing to my pride life has been... If I had known it all and could see what the last few years would have given my children and me? All that time with my dad? I would not change ANYTHING.

I would not do better in school, go to college, and have a career. I would not wait to buy the house, put money in savings and be on better financial footing. I would not do any of the things that could have made my life easier, richer, or even better. Because to do that would erase years of memories for my children where they saw my dad almost every day. I would have been busy, we would have lived lives that intersected once a week, once every other week, even once a month. And we would have missed out.

I didn't always do it the right way, I certainly NEVER did it the easy way, but God was sweet and let me end up here anyway. So now? While it is tough, and money is still tight, Dwayne works all the time, and I miss my Dad? I get to rest easy in the knowledge that somehow God is going to use it for good. Maybe that won't get me a big ol house here on earth, maybe we will never take fancy trips and I will never have fancy clothes or drive a flashy car. Maybe we will struggle every day for the rest of our lives to make ends meet. Maybe people in my life will look at me and think I am crazy, or lazy, or wrong about how I live, or that I have the wrong priorities. Maybe they are right, sometimes at least. But I have had the ah-ha moment where I realize all those should've, could've, would'ves and future pipe dreams are not getting me any where, so instead of focusing on them I am going to let it go and enjoy where I am to the very best of my ability. Look as often as I can for blessings, and I bet I find them!

The dating thing? AGAIN? Really?

2012-03-29T03:22:00.001-05:00

So Tyler likes a girl. And the girl likes HIM. But he is not allowed to date. Or "go with" a girl. You know where they "go together" but they don't actually GO anywhere? He knows what the rules are, and he is trying to abide by them. But he would rather not. And SHE doesn't understand at all. Neither do most their friends. Because if he likes her, and she likes him, then doesn't that mean they are dating? Uh, NO! It really doesn't!

I have chatted on here about just a few of the early foibles of my dating life, the funny dork tales... I have not as much talked about the heartache and the things that caused me to doubt my self worth. Or the times that I was totally horrible to someone because I was self absorbed and had no idea that they could possibly have feelings.

But tonight, when Tyler came again to me I had to lay it out on the table. Here is the thing... I am HONEST with my kids. Like seriously honest. If my 7 year old comes to me tomorrow and asks me flat out about Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy? I will tell the truth. If he leaves wiggle room? I might try, but I have worked really hard to be truthful always, even in the hard times, so that when it really matters they know they can count on what I say.

So, Tyler has known a good long time that I am not perfect. He knows about the sin I lived in as a teenager and young adult. But while he KNEW I had dated and been intimate with other men before I met my husband, he wasn't really old enough to understand what that did to my self value.

I was pretty messed up. I did a whole slew of stupid things. Things that are private, and will not be shared here. That alone should give anyone who has read this blog a clue, because I share just about everything. But, the mistakes I made? For the most part, they are now between me and God and putting them on display for who knows who to read? Not something I am going to do. But my son? Well, if it helps him? Yeah, ok.

So tonight we took it from the beginning, and went through to meeting and marrying Dwayne. I told him about my mistakes and how they messed with my head and hurt my heart. And then I told him about the boy I dated my senior year who was just a great guy. A wonderful young man who grew up in a godly home, had values, and treated me so amazingly well... But I was so messed up it was like he was an alien! I had NO idea what to do with a young man who didn't tell me he loved me when he just felt lust. I had no idea how to handle someone who was content to hold my hand on our 3rd date. It wasn't only that I didn't value him, I could not COMPREHEND or even conceive of a person like him. It was all strange and I felt like a fish who has suddenly been tossed in the sky with the birds and told to adapt... I mean really? How does that work? If he likes me, why isn't he trying to have sex with me? If he doesn't like me why do we keep dating?

It wasn't until I was saved at 19 and had some experience with godly homes that there was the slightest bit of understanding. But by that time? I had already behaved badly toward him, and the only thing I knew? Well I was forgiven, but I was not worthy of a man who had been raised in church. I didn't deserve the boys who had lived clean lives. I had NO idea what to do with my salvation. So, I went out and kept living my messed up way!

From the time I was saved until I met Dwayne I was so messed up. Maybe even worse than I had been before my salvation because I actually DID know what was right at this point, I just had no understanding that I was capable of it. I had to date a boy who abused me, drink like a fish, kiss a bunch of men, almost get raped, and then go back to the boy who abused me before I realized I was ready to grow up and get it together. Once I realized that though? I got it together pretty fast and God brought me Dwayne. I have NO idea what he saw in me. What he STILL sees in me. Why he sticks it out... But he does, and I am beyond thankful.

At the end of the conversation? Tyler understood. He gets, at least as much as he can, why I want to protect him, and what I want to protect him from. He heard me when I talked to him about wishing he would wait to date a girl until he was more sure of himself. Sure of his value.

Because sadly, Tyler is a bit like me in that he has some self esteem issues sometimes. He doesn't always see how amazing he is, and he doesn't realize that until HE sees it? No one else will either. He understands now why the rule is that he can date when he can drive and pay for the date, but why I hope he waits until he is finished with his education, settled in a good job and ready to start thinking marriage. Because it would have been so much better for me if I had done that.

This parenting thing is HARD. And I don't claim to do it right. I do it the very best I can, each and every time, and pray for the best. From there I rest in the knowledge that God is in control and SOMEHOW He is going to turn all my mess into something that works. Something good that brings Him glory. Seriously though? Can we be done with the dating thing for a bit? I don't know that I have any cards left up my sleeve...

Just when you think you are on the right track...

2012-03-28T17:06:00.000-05:00

Someone comes along and tries to crash your train.

Has that ever happened to you? You are working it! Doing the Bible study, getting your life organized and your house clean, or even just GETTING OUT OF BED when you would rather just stay in it and cry. You are doing the very best you can to head in the direction that you should be going. To glorify God, to be a good mom or wife... And someone just hurts you right where you are.

Maybe they say something on Facebook. Maybe they say more than one something. Maybe a family member who is having their own hard time takes their stuff out on you or holds the bar so high you couldn't get your fat butt over it if you sprouted wings and flew. Maybe your heart is just breaking, and you don't want to even drive the darn train any more and would like someone else to take over...

But instead, maybe like me you sit here trying to figure out how to drive 75 trains in different directions all at once with no sleep, very little help, a lot of people standing on the tracks making it harder, and you have no idea how in the heck this thing is supposed to work.

And maybe like me you are pretty sure the devil is laughing in glee at the heartache you are dealing with.

Tonight? I have NO advice on this. Not one thing to tell you so that you can get through it to the other side. But I can tell you, no matter when you come here feeling this way? You are not alone. Cause I am feeling pretty pathetic. And considering quitting at quite a few things I love so that I can do other things I would rather not do, but can't see away around doing. See they need to be done, no one else is doing them, and I am really just needing to stop hearing how they need to be done and no one else is doing them.

I think today? If I won the lottery? I would hire a maid and a lawn crew. I would pay someone to clean out my car and wash it til it gleams, and I would donate every bit of garage sale crap I am saving for next weekend because I would no longer think the money was important. I would take all the dogs to be groomed, so I don't have to bathe them. And other than that? I would live my life JUST LIKE THIS. Cause I like where I am. I just could use a few more of me to deal with what needs to be done.

The Hunger Games...

2012-03-28T00:50:00.001-05:00

I posted yesterday about my thoughts on what my kids can read... It started out to be THIS post about Hunger Games, but (surprise, surprise) it got too long winded and I had to rethink it. :0)

The reason I am even thinking about all of this is because my friends have been going back and forth over whether or not to let their kids read the books or see the movies. So, it has made me think... What do I think about the books? I mean I know I like them, I know I let Tyler read them and he likes them, but it made me wonder, how much thought did I put into whether or not they were appropriate? How much thought did I put into whether or not Tyler was ready for them? Really? To be completely honest? Not much. I talk more about why in my last post, but I think at least in part I didn't worry because I HAD read the books. (And if you are considering letting your child read something, I recommend reading it first if you are unsure. Because only you know your child well enough to decide.) I even re-read them right before Tyler did, so I would remember the details.

On Facebook it has been said that Hunger Games is a book about "24 children who fight until 22 of them are dead." Well, yeah. Ok. It is. But that isn't the WHOLE story.

It is the story of a nation who tried to revolt against an almost fascist government and failed, and who has been oppressed for 74 years as both punishment and control. In addition to living in near starvation and suffering life in a police state, every year they are forced to allow 24 of their children to go and compete to the death. To win means a life of wealth for the victor and a year of plenty for the district. Within that it is the personal story of one girl. One 16 year old girl, her love of her family, her struggle to make good choices and stay true to herself in an impossible situation. There is violence, there is corruption, there is love, and there is death. All those things are just part of the story. There are moments where Katniss is surrounded by life of the Capitol and disgusted, but there are other moments where she forgives and offers grace to those same Capitol people because they don't know better or because they showed her kindness. There is complexity to the story, and Suzanne Collins does a masterful job writing it in a way that makes us love these characters. At least that is what it did for me as an adult. As a pre-teen Tyler was more drawn to the action of it, the fact that it was written about someone about his age. And that they weren't given super ability or powers, they were relatively normal and yet somehow making it through.

By the time the series is over, the entire nation of Panem has changed. Several important characters in the story die for a cause or at the hands of the government. For Tyler and I this led to a discussion about our country's revolution. What if it had happened today? With all the technology, how much harder would it have been to win? It was already bad, they fought for good reason. Troops were garrisoned with families and given the best they had, over the children or even adults in the house. Government officials were corrupt and they were above the law, but there was no one we as citizens could turn to for help because we had no voice. We were taxed to the point of financial ruin, and treated as second class citizens or as a commodity rather than royal subjects. What do you think would have happened if we lost? How would the people of our country have been treated as defeated treasonists? And what if THAT had happened in today's world. With people like Kony snatching children from their beds while the world stands by, with the industrialized nations fascinated by reality television and stars who are more fake than real and who lack morals, with governments throughout the world overloaded with corruption... Is it really THAT much of a stretch to say something like this could happen? That every year a country could get away with publicly killing 23 children? Sadly, to me it seems like a possible future if we keep heading the way we are.

I think the thing I would say is this, it is not a pretty story. There is an ending, and I guess you could call it happy, but I think bittersweet would be more accurate. But it is in my opinion a story worth reading, and I think it is a story worth YOUNG people reading. Because in a world of violence, video games, gratuitous sex on TV all over everywhere, and just the state of the broken world we live in, I think it is a good thing to know that there are some things worth fighting for. That there are some things worth sacrificing for. In the book Katniss sacrifices herself for her sister, knowing the odds are not in her favor. Even before that she had to grow up quickly to help provide for her family. Continually through the series she has to look at different sides of a situation and decide what is most important to her, herself or her family? Her choice of who to love or her family? Her country and its freedom or her own personal freedom?

Our children make tough choices every day in our world. Not life or death as clearly as Katniss had to. I thank God for that. But they DO make choices, which people to befriend, how to behave, what to look at on the computer when no one is looking, how to treat those who are weaker than they are, how to handle responsibility, when and who they treat with respect, who and what they fear... They choose. Many times without considering all the sides. This book, is not the Bible... It cannot save them, it will not probably even change them, but if it just has them aspiring to be a hero to the people they love, to be respected because of their actions, and do do their best when tough times come? Then it has done more than enough.

What do YOU think? Have you read the books? Have you seen the movie? What are your criteria for acceptable reading at each age?

What do you let your children read?

2012-03-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

Whew! Facebook has been on FIRE with the back and forth. The questions, the opinions, the people who have read it and the people who have not, the people who are curious and the people who have no desire to ever hold the book in their hands.

Or maybe that is just my friends? Are yours doing it too?

For me? Well I am a BOOK GIRL. I read. A really really lot. Lots of books, on my phone, on paper, on Nook, from the used book store, from Amazon or Barnes and Noble, borrowed from friends... ALL THE TIME reading! From the library less... They so rarely make it easy for me to find what I want, and when I go in there KNOWING what I want it is either not a book they have yet or it is checked out with a waiting list. I have become search engine and recommendation dependent with a strong need for immediate gratification. And the librarian near me? Horrible taste in books, so rarely is anything good offered or ordered. :0)

When my children were born? Heck, BEFORE my children were born I was buying books for them. In 1995, THREE YEARS before Tyler was a flutter in my stomach, as an unmarried 20 year old I remember buying a book at Disney World that contains the stories of each of the 7 dwarfs. For my kids. And for me. Because I love to read. Almost anything, as long as it is engaging. I like romance, mystery, sci-fi, historical, fiction and non fiction. And I can devour a huge 800 page book in one night, I did it with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I bought it at midnight and the whole way home I wanted to just pull over and READ. So when I got home about 1 in the morning, I was so EXCITED I had to read at least a few chapters. At 5 in the morning my husband got up for work and saw me sobbing, full out, book closed sobbing all over myself because Dobby had just died. At 7:30 when my children were just starting to wake up I was washing my face from crying because it was over. There would be no more! And I felt a bit like I was letting a friend go.

I am the girl who laughs out loud at books in the middle of the night, who cries for her favorite characters, and if I were given a choice of what my mansion in Heaven would look like and contain? It would look like the Beast's library. FULL of new books to explore and enjoy, new friends to meet and love, new heroes to cheer for, and new villains to defeat or redeem.

So, when it comes to what my children can read, am I picky? YES! These are my KIDS. And I am tough. Strict. Seriously. But, mostly? I want them to read GOOD books. Well written books that transport them to another time and another place. Because I want them to LOVE to read. Always, before they were born, when I was carrying them, I wanted that. It started with plastic books in the bathtub when they were bitty and board books they could chew on while I rhymed "The hog and the frog hurry out for a jog, with the cat and the rats in their new running hats..." Soon we moved in to books with pages, and now I have a 13 year old who is not quite as obsessed as I am with books and a 7 year old who is reading quite well on his own, but loves nothing more than snuggling in for a story.

Do I care about the content of the book? Well, sure. To an extent. I wouldn't let them read anything pornographic, or sexual. I wouldn't let them read things that glorify evil or violence. I make sure what they read is age appropriate, and on their reading level so they can dive in and understand. But do I censor? Not much. Because by the time I would even have a book that could be an issue cross their path they are old enough to THINK and consider and talk to me about the story or ask questions.

I protect my children in a lot of ways. I am almost a neurotic mess with how much I protect them. I don't want them exposed to things they are not ready for, I work very hard to help them to be the men of faith and family I pray they will become. But I don't want to control them to the point that I keep them from growing or thinking on their own. And this is not a beautiful world we live in. It hasn't been for a long time. Have your children learned about Hitler in school? Do they watch the news? Have they been exposed to missionary work and why it is so needed around the world? Then I think most of the times, the books available are less scary than that. Less evil than the world we are surrounded by every day.

I have people I know, who I would even call friends who have taken their children to abortion protests. Young children who can explain what that is, and why it is wrong. My Colby has NO idea. Tyler has some idea, but has never expressed an interest in having a deep conversation about it, and I am FINE with that. They will learn soon enough. But to others? It is acceptable to teach a child about that. Sunday after church I went to the laundromat to wash my comforters (they don't fit in my washer) and was surrounded by women who live in a group home. They were washing everything in the entire house trying to get rid of a smell and get the house clean. I waited and tried my best to be kind and make them feel comfortable, because they obviously didn't. Today we met our new neighbors, they are very nice, but the husband has scars all over both arms from cutting... My boys have friends who were molested as children, and we have had to talk about that... We have friends who have been to Iraq or Afghanistan, my father in law was in Vietnam, they know about war... So I guess books? They don't worry me all that much.

Tyler is 13, he has accepted Christ as his Savior. He is level headed (as much as a young teenager can be) and he is smart. He can read Harry Potter and know that it is a story of fantasy, a story where there is another world within our own, a place where good fights evil and there are tough choices. He can recognize times when the characters are being rude, or well acting like teenagers. He can also recognize when they step up to a challenge that is bigger than they are and do their best. Is there witchcraft in Harry Potter. Yes. Just like there is sorcery in the Tolkien books and in the Narnia series. But, it is fantasy, and again... It is my opinion that my child is old enough and mature enough to know the difference.

When it comes to Hunger Games? Well mostly that is a different post, one I will probably write tomorrow. But I guess what I would say is this... They are your children, and you know them best. If you think that it is too mature for them, or that they would take the information in the books in an unhealthy direction, then it is absolutely your choice as a parent to not introduce the series. However, I do want to also ask... If this series of books is inappropriate for a preteen/teenage child, then what ARE they reading? How are you encouraging them to love reading? There don't seem to be all that many wonderfully written books out there that would be interesting to a preteen boy, and I would love to know if you have found a hidden gem.

Perspectives, perceptions, personalities, and persecution...

2012-02-23T03:34:00.000-06:00

Today I went to Chick-fil-A and the music is now, because of a corporate decision not Christian music like it has always been. It is Christian INSTRUMENTAL music. And I was upset, because I felt like this was a Christian company bowing to the pressures of the world. Not owning it and saying, we are doing this because we love all our customers or we are doing this because it is a business decision not a faith one and sometimes it is the price of doing business that we have to make hard choices and walk a fine line. What I was most upset about was that it seemed sneaky. Like we would hear familiar tunes and not notice with all the other noise that the message was missing. It makes me sad. So I posted something on FB and I received a private message from a man I have known pretty much my whole life. He was the boy who popped my bra on the playground in 3rd grade when I was feeling self conscious about being the only girl wearing one. He was the young man who made me laugh ALL the time through high school. He was the man with children who I would run into occasionally in our home town, and every time I would smile and get a big hug, chat for a few minutes and remember how goofy he has always been.

Recently he has occasionally made comments on Facebook about being gay. Well, I SAW them, but I didn't know. IS he? Or is he being his goofy self? Because your just sometimes don't know. But tonight he let me know in his private message that he is indeed gay. That he has struggled with it since his childhood. But that he is also a Christian. And he cannot in good conscience go to Chick-fil-A because they proclaim themselves to be a Christian company, but they speak and support hate against who he is. He was respectful, but you know that message had to be hard to write. Because I could have been one of those people. The haters. I could have railed at him, quoted scripture, and done what many people I call friends would have done. I also think there has to be hurt there, that people who proclaim themselves as followers of the same God don't see him for what he is. Not the gay part, the Brother part. The Christian brother needing love, even if acceptance is near impossible.

I don't pretend to know what he has gone through, or what his thoughts are. But responded the best I could. I hope it came out right. It was long winded because, geez... I don't do short.

The fact, biblical fact, of it is homosexuality is a sin. So are a lot of things. And we are ALL of us sinners. Maybe we are forgiven, but we are STILL imperfect. I have said before and I will say again, I do not believe we are born gay. God would not make it impossible for us to live how He has called us to live. There HAS to be free will for the whole thing to be true and to work. If there is no free will, and we have no choice, then we cannot choose Him. However, I DO believe that because we live in a world corrupted by sin there is something corrupt in the very essence of who we are. From the very beginning. Maybe it is something that we have a chance, but no control like being predisposed to breast cancer because our mother, aunt, and grandmother all had it. You can't choose not to have it, you either do or you don't and you just never know. Or maybe it is something that every day gives us a choice, a hard choice, an almost impossible choice. For most of my family we battle with addiction, different kinds. Some people battle depression, or mental issues. Some battle violent tempers or psychopathic tendencies. And some battle sex things. None of these things, as much as we want to rationalize that they are, is better or worse or easier or harder than another. Sin is equal. To be a drunkard is a sin, to become a drug addict is because believe me when I say they put drugs before everything, family, job, friends, and especially God. To divorce your wife and marry another or to have sex before you are married, sin. To be depressed and not CHOOSE joy? Sin.

I have fought my entire life to not become addicted to things. Some I have succeeded so far with, drugs and alcohol. Others I battle with daily. OCD behaviors, control issues, caffeine, sugar, food in general, video games (Castleville is of the devil), so many seemingly little things, but they can distract me from God and bring me down. I fight continually against depression. It seems so much to be a natural part of who I am, at my very core to much of the time be sad. I fake it really well, sometimes I even fool me, but deep down I have some serious self loathing. And I feel often times that I cannot help it or control it. Is that how my friend feels? I can see how he would believe he was born that way. Forsaken from the start.

He is not. I am not. YOU are not. Even while we are still sinners Christ died for us. RIGHT NOW. In the mess you are in, the mistakes you are making, you are not beyond saving. And my friend? He is absolutely still a Christian. He does not have to be perfect or even acknowledge his every sin to be forgiven. God will work on him, just like He will work on me.

Tonight on Glee a boy who was gay tried to kill himself because he felt alone and wrong. The thing that saddens me is that some people would have condemned with scripture. And did it in the name of my God. The entire thing has made me think, what if it were my son? What if that was his hard thing? Well I just don't think you would want to be the person who condemns him in front of me. I don't think you want to be the person who says ugly things about my friend either. And I don't think I am going to eat at Chick-fil-A any more. Might as well give my money to Raising Canes. The chicken is just as good, the bread is fabulous, the sweet tea is ever flowing and at least they don't pretend to be one thing and then be another instead.

Expectations...

2012-02-14T01:42:00.003-06:00

Today my mom, the boys and I ran some errands and afterward stopped at Culver's for lunch. Have you been to Culver's? If not Google them, if there is one in your area, stop what you are doing and GO. Order the Team Scoopie Meal of your choice, skip the fries and get Cheese Curds. You get a free ice cream with the meal!! How much better than a Happy Meal toy is THAT???? And if you save the little green thing on the side of your bag? 10= a FREE Team Scoopie Meal.

But I digress... We were sitting there, enjoying our free ice cream and there was a table of men nearby. I wasn't eavesdropping at FIRST. They were talking loud. But then I was. Because I honestly could not BELIEVE what they were saying! It was like being privy to a man's brain for just a moment. Let me tell you, they are BROKEN. Not all men, but those guys at the table, broken.

They were none of them, studly gorgeous or dramatically sexy. Not ONE. In fact they were quite ordinary and somewhat unattractive. But the conversation was all about how they expected women to look a certain way, or they weren't interested. Now we are not talking, she has all her teeth. NO not at all. In fact they were talking about a girl in the office who was "kind of attractive," but she has short hair. GASP! So Wimpy, Slightly Balding, McDorkybutt with the skinny mustache? Well, he would ask her out, IF she grew out her hair.

I bet she is CRYING from the loss! That she is so close, and fell short! Or, maybe that is WHY she cut her hair.

They went ON and ON about why is it so wrong for them to like what they like and demand no less? And Wimpy, Slightly Balding, McDorkybutt speaks up AGAIN, (seriously ladies, he is the total antipackage, not even SMART) and says how he was talking to a woman he knows and expressed these SAME OPINIONS, and SHE (are you ready for this?) DISAGREED WITH HIM.

Called him SHALLOW! The NERVE!

And all his friends? Old Man McChubbybutt, Video Game McSkeezy, and I swear an older version of Howard Walowitz all AGREED! Because geesh, why should they settle? And what is wrong with these women that they just don't get it.

You have no idea how I just wanted to stop by and say something on my way out. Or maybe write a note and slide it across their table as I left. Something along these lines...

Dear Gentlemen,
The reason women globally and universally do NOT agree with your theories, and perhaps a large part of why none of you are married is because YOU are shallow morons.

If a woman is attractive, smart, funny, talented, kind, athletic, exciting, OR a good cook, why should SHE settle for any of YOU? You who care so much about the length of a woman's hair or the size of her backside will skip and run the first time she gains 10 pounds or cheat the first time she gets a bad hair cut. Why would she not instead pursue a man of character who would stand by her side when cancer has stolen ALL her hair, and who would still look at her and find her beautiful because of who she is inside. A man who would look at her rounded figure and realize she looks as she does because she has lovingly provided him with children who will bring him joy the rest of his life.

Why WOULD she settle for you? She wouldn't. Grow up. Gather all the molecules in your meager brain, and get a clue. YOU are not the catch you believe yourself to be. And the girl at the office? Who lost all the weight, got contacts, and was "on the right track"? She heard you were interested, and THAT is why she got the hair cut in the first place. Just another smart move on the part of a woman with better places to go.

Enjoy your lunch and spending time with men of like minds.

Michele

But I didn't say that, or write it. I just FUMED over it, and said it to my mother. Where my boys heard. And both my boys? Wonderful young men that they were? Said those men were morons too. Because really? What does the length of a woman's hair REALLY matter?

To be fair, I have also heard of women who are equally flawed believing they should be able to treat a man however she wants, disdain, disrespect, and demand of him and HE should always treat her like a princess. And when those men? GOOD men don't? They leave, move on and claim they "deserve better." They rarely find it. (SHOCKER!)

We deserve to be treated as we treat others. We deserve to be judged as we judge others. We deserve to be loved as we love others. Not one bit better, and quite a bit of the time? Since life IS NOT FAIR, we don't even get that.

So, look around Bloggy Buddies. Where are YOU acting entitled? Especially today, on this day that celebrates love?

Cause for me, it was eye opening. And I am going to go appreciate my husband a little more. Cause he loves me long hair or short, thin or fat, grumpy, weepy, and sweet. And that is better than ANY flowers or candy or jewelry ANY day, but especially today.

Who do you want to be when you grow up?

2012-02-11T19:58:00.000-06:00

Tonight on Facebook a sweet girl from my homeschool group did one of those little question things, where you answer 4 or 5 questions and it tells you who you will marry, what Disney character you are or like this one, what super hero you would be...

When I was a little girl, I LOVED Wonder Woman. That was the only night a week I was allowed to eat in front of the TV. She was beautiful, smart, had a good job, and I was sure if I spun around enough times that ONE DAY I would transform into a short, young, slightly chubby version.

I mean SURE, I wouldn't get to fly the invisible plane RIGHT away, but I would be an apprentice, a side kick, and when someday she married Steve Trevor I would step in and continue to save our country.

That is a reasonable dream right? To some day spin my way into super-herodom?

But now, I have realized. Spinning just makes me dizzy, and I fall over air without being dizzy. Spinning makes me fall over MORE, it does not turn me in to a super hero.

So, what DO I want to be when I grow up? You know, not NOW as I get closer and closer to FORTY, but when I grow up. Surely someday that will happen... Eventually?

Right now I have no idea. Right now? I am pretty happy being a mom, a wife, an AWANA leader, and helping families experience the magic of a Disney vacation without all the stress. But maybe I should have a plan. Something...

Maybe... Cathy?

Red night...

2012-02-09T15:06:00.000-06:00

Last night was red night at AWANA. Every year we do 5 color weeks as part of the Wordless Book. Last week was black and it was fun, but this week? Well red is pretty serious, because red represents the blood of Christ.

Each week we encourage the kids to wear the color of the week. We offer extra points to spend in the AWANA store... We send reminders... But usually they forget. I know it doesn't seem important, what color the kids wear. But really? It is part of THEM preparing for the lesson. They have to think! Ahead of time. They know what the color is for, they have done this every year, but when they pull that red shirt out of their closet, they are opening their minds just a little to what God is going to deliver that night.

To encourage the girls to participate my husband Dwayne volunteered to embarass himself. Now some of you may have husband's who are hams or a bit of a clown. THAT IS NOT MY HUSBAND. He is kinda quiet. Never needs to be the center of attention, but he absolutely loves these girls. And for them? He is willing.

So, he made a deal. If 100% of the girls wore red (or pink) then Dwayne would allow them to paint his nails red and he would wear red lipstick all night. There were rules... They could bring extra shirts, but leaders could not. The fabric of the shirt had to be red or pink, it could not be a white shirt with red words and count...

When I posted it on Facebook to let people from our church know I had a sweet friend express concern. Because Deuteronomy 22:5 speaks against men being clothed as women and women being clothed as men. I spoke to our Children's Pastor, and we decided to go ahead. Not because we think God's Word is in any way irrelevant, but because we truly did not see sin in this. Sin lives in the heart. And when God speaks of how we dress as men and women, we believe He is talking about what is in our heart just as much as He is talking about our actions. Because if I wear jeans which are culturally acceptable for a woman to wear, but I am doing it in my heart to look more masculine, then I am sinning. But if a Scottish man wears a kilt, out of pride for his heritage and manhood, then there is no sin.

My husband and the other men who participated are manly men. They would NEVER choose to wear lipstick or nail polish. Ever. But by willingly embarassing themselves and acting OUT of character, they got the kids interested.

And 100% of the T & T girls wore the red or pink. So did 100% of the boys T&T. And most of the Sparks. So when we as leaders, or they as clubbers looked around our AWANA square they saw Christ's blood covering our club.

When it was council time? They came in and listened without interruption (have you EVER seen 30 girls listen for 30 minutes without interruption?), they didn't wiggle, they didn't hardly even stop looking directly at my face when I did my lesson. The lesson was good, sure. But it wasn't THAT good. It was God. He had taken that crack in their busy thoughts and prepared their hearts and minds for the lesson they needed to hear.

Red night is always a little emotional for me. To think about how my Savior chose to suffer for ME. To think about how my God gave His Son, for ME. It is humbling like nothing else could be. And looking out at my girls, I saw in their eyes that a bit of that reached them too.

Next week is white. The men have agreed to wear a white veil if we get 100% white shirts, and the game is going to be a team competition to see who can design the best toilet paper wedding dress. But none of that will take away from the message. That through the sacrifice of Christ, we can be new, clean, and free of sin. Cleansed in preparation to be the bride of Christ. I cannot WAIT to see what God will do!

Pride...

2012-02-07T18:24:00.001-06:00

Lately God has been working on my pride. It is no fun.

I think part of it is, I am holding things in or talking to friends more than I am talking to Him. I guess I feel like He KNOWS it. And He does... I also feel like I know He is with me. Which He is. But I haven't been talking to Him. Listening for Him, yes. Talking back? Not really.

Not because I think He wouldn't want to hear... My mind knows He isn't tired of hearing from me, that just because He knows where I am, how I am doing, what is happening doesn't mean He has stopped wanting me to talk to him about it. I think I just don't know what to say to Him. It is just too big.

Scripture tells us in Romans 8:26-27 that In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

But just because we don't need words to be heard and understood by God, doesn't mean we aren't supposed to TRY.

Once, years ago I was messing up my life pretty good. I was being a jerk to people who loved me, reacting poorly to the idea that some people DIDN'T like me, and just making wrong choices. My dad saw it all, knew it all, but he waited for me to come to him. To start complaining. And then he asked me to go sit in the garage to talk. He probably said, "come talk to me while I empty the dryer", or "I am listening, but follow me while I do something." Something every day and ordinary that had me follow him to a private place. And there in the garage where no one else could hear my daddy told me how much he loved me, but he also told me I was messing up. And that I needed to get it together. He looked me in the eye and said, "Not because I tell you, I love you no matter what. But you need to turn this around because I don't think you could handle it if one more person stopped liking you. And you are headed down that road."

Proverbs 16:18 says Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

I don't think I have been overly prideful lately, but I almost think God is pushing me to fall just a bit.

Nudging me into the garage for a chat. Nothing BIG, just normal (like my dad and the laundry) but right now in my life those little things are feeling pretty big.

Yesterday we took baskets and sweet letters to the nursing staff at the hospital where my dad passed away. Writing the letters last week was hard. Really, really, hard. Because how do you put into words how thankful you are to the person who stood by you when your dad passed away? Who held your hand when you called the rest of your family?

I thought I was better, but geesh. Walking into the hospital? Going back into the ICU? It was even harder. I was almost in fight or flight mode. I cried a little, but pulled it in. Cried again a little later, and pulled it together again. It was a tough day.

Today when I woke up if you had asked, I would have told you I was fine. I had an appointment I had to go to across town at 1, and as I was blow drying my hair I got an email. Again, nothing that is a big deal, just a little stumble to my groove. And after yesterday? My groove was pretty much non existent. So I drove to the appointment. And when I got there? All I wanted to do was sit in my car and cry. I haven't hardly cried this entire time! But THAT was my moment??? I felt so stupid. So, I cried a little, and pulled it together. Did the meeting, got all the way home, and made a huge mess of myself melting down for all the little ways my pride had taken a hit in the last few weeks.

And then I cried for the real reason. Because my daddy isn't here to tell me HE is proud of me.

So, now it is up to me to just talk to my Father in Heaven. To tell him all my troubles, and listen to his council. To hear Him say He is proud of me when I don't have any pride of my own left.