Homo Insapiens

Frankly Newton, We Don't Give A Fig

2006-10-11T19:10:00.000-05:00

Isaac Newton (1643-1727) was one of the greatest scientists of all time and certainly the greatest ever born in Britain. This guy managed to figure out gravity, define the laws of motion, develop the law of cooling, understand the light was made of particles, help develop calculus, and come up with the speed of sound. Every English school kid knows that. Well, make that almost every English school kid. In fact, let’s settle for about 20% of English school kids if the government has its way.

About a month ago, the British Government set up a new science curriculum with the snappy name Twenty-First Century Science GCSE. The idea was to fix a serious problem: courses like physics, chemistry and biology are not fun; they can actually be hard work. In addition, some of the people who teach these courses are not exactly the most exciting members of faculty. A lot of them could talk a hole in the side of nuclear reactor containment building. It’s tough to get young Nigel or Sophie or almost any teen-ager to sign up for courses like Physics or Chemistry.

So, instead of forcing students to study boring science stuff, the new classes are based on discussions of ‘science in the news’. Organic Farming, Global Warming and Mobile Phone Technology are a few of the catchy new topics. You and Your Genes is sure to be a hit, Radiation and Life will come in very handy in case of a nuclear attack, and The Uses of Cannabis is expected to attract 73% of the population of Britain between the ages of 13 and 55 (a huge spur to continuing education).

Quite what all this excitement has to do with training future scientists is not clear. However, if the future of global competitiveness is based on having highly trained organic farmers who can send a text message to a bird who glows in the dark while stoned out of their minds, Britain is on to a real winner here.

Of course, (as is always the case) there are a few spoil sports who think that dumping poor old Newton and his scientific heirs is out of order. David Perks, head of physics at Graveney School, London, describes the changes as a "dumbing down" science. In a particularly small minded attack, Baroness Mary Warnock says, "Far too much teaching at school has already degenerated into this kind of debate, more suitable for the pub than the school room."

H I’s Education Editor, Montagu Bothersby, based at the Pig & Whistle, North London, reports that the comments of the Baroness have deeply offended the regulars. Barman Sid Frost said, “If darts ain’t about calculus, and having a flutter on the horses ain’t about probability, and makin’ sure I pump one square pint every time ain’t about physics, then I’m a monkey’s.”

So, as the Government proceeds to tell Mr Newton to get stuffed, there may be a back-up plan. If global competitiveness turns out to be based on who can pass a friendly evening hitting the bulls-eye, winning a few quid on the ponies, and consistently making accurate liquid measurements while getting slowly pissed, there will always be an England.

Throwing The Bums Out?

2006-10-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

As a service to American readers who think that the entire House of Representatives should be tossed out regardless of political party, H I’s resident political scientist at Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia has drafted a letter that can be sent to any candidate running against an incumbent Member of the House.

Dear Challenger

I’m not sure exactly what you stand for but I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. If your opponent hasn’t been able to prove that you kidnapped the Lindbergh baby or founded the local chapter of the Osama Bin Laden Fan Club by now, you’re probably innocent of those things. So this letter is an IOU; on 7 November, I’ll honor my IOU by voting for you. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that as soon as you are elected you only have two years to convince me to vote for you again. If you don’t, I won’t. As far as I am concerned, the odds against you winning a second term will be 98% against you on day 1. If you want to beat those odds, there are a few things you might think about doing over the next two years.

Once a month, account for your time - nothing too elaborate, mind you. You can just list the month’s hours in a few major categories like ‘studying issues’, ‘identifying problems’, ‘setting priorities’, and ‘developing solutions’. Please provide examples of each. There is also the ‘get re-elected’ category and that’s ok. (Hint: this should not contain more than 5% of the month’s hours.)

Once a month, when Congress is in session, account for your votes. Just list every vote you did and didn’t participate in and give a brief explanation of why your position was good for the country and/or your district. (Hint: you get extra points for being brief and for not using the phrase ‘the people’s business’).

Once a month, account for what you cost – after all, it is my money. Just add up salary, benefits, perks like publicly funded travel, postage, staff and office costs, entertainment, and the rest, and divide the total by the hours worked each month. (Hint: if your hourly cost is ten times more than the average voter’s hourly income, you lose points.)

I may not agree with everything you do in the next two years, but if you account for yourself every month that just might get you another two years.

You don’t have to produce a monthly report on what you’re worth. I’ll decide that on my own.

Sincerely yours

PS: If the above all sounds too much like a real job, please let me know right away so I can skip voting this time and start working for an independent candidate for the 2008 election.

Do Not Collect $200

2006-09-28T08:23:00.000-05:00

It is important for companies to keep their products updated and the folks who own the popular game Monopoly obviously realise that. Since it was invented in 1935, the basics of Monopoly have stayed pretty much the same. Properties, hotels, utilities and railroads, trips to jail, and the colour coded currency of the game are familiar to generations of players.

As of November, that will change. The railroads will be replaced by airports. New landmarks and addresses such as Times Square, Waikiki Beach, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Rodeo Drive will appear. Monopoly money will be reissued in higher denominations. No one except peasants in Bangladesh thinks taking the trouble to ‘Pass Go’ is worth a lousy $200.

Monopoly fans have been invited to participate in this exercise and will get to vote for their favourite landmarks and where they appear on the game board. (Announcing the results of this election in November will give the 87% of Americans who couldn’t care less about which time-servers are elected to Congress something to get excited about.)

In the spirit of innovation, H I is happy to suggest a few updates to the popular Chance and Community Chest cards that make the game so much fun.

Go directly to jail or pay a lawyer $400,000 and write a book.

Take a flight from JFK and miss 93 turns waiting for take off.

You have come second in a beauty contest. Pay $17,000 for plastic surgery.

You have become a jihadi. Blow up the hotels on Times Square.

You have had a bad day. Sue the player to your left for $2,000,000.

Proceed directly to Go and collect $47.32 after taxes.

You have no imagination and six teeth. Win $150,000,000 in the lottery.

Get a permit to build a hotel on Waikiki Beach. Slip a politician $90,000 under the table.

You have been diagnosed as psychotic. Donate all your money to Scientology.

If you own both energy companies, rig the accounts and get $87,000,000,000.

You don’t have as much money as you want. Blame the player to your right.

Spill your drink and demand compensation from the banker.

What better way to have a fun family evening and introduce the kids to the lessons of modern life.

Naming Conventions

2006-09-20T16:04:00.000-05:00

Given the great issues of our times, it’s good to see the legislative and executive branches of the US government sharing the workload. The US Congress has responded by deciding to focus on the difficult challenge of naming post offices. According to the Congressional Research Service, post office naming is now the most common form of legislation. Apparently, debating whether a local post office named after Walt Disney or Frank Sinatra has a nicer ring to it affects the very future of the Republic

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security has agreed to address the problem of border security head-on. The DHS has just announced the winner in a multi-billion dollar competition to get control of America’s land frontiers.

Northrup Grumman, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and Boeing all submitted proposals to fence, fortify and over-fly the Mexican border to detect and capture illegal immigrants. Lockheed Martin proposed the use of observation blimps although there was some concern that they would be mistaken for piñatas and attract several million Mexicans thinking they contained hard candies and party favours.

Raytheon’s solution included installing tens of thousands of sensors on the border hooked up to the Google Earth mapping system. It seems that border patrol agents would have been able to enter search terms such as ‘Speedy Gonzales’ or ‘Frito Bandito’ and get an immediate fix on an illegal entrant. Predictably, Northrup Grumman offered an airplane-based solution to the problem. Boeing’s winning bid proposes the construction of 1,800 border towers since it believes airplanes cost too much.

The dark horse in this competition was Swedish mobile phone maker Ericson. Doug Smith, the company’s Vice President for Governmental Solutions, says that border security comes down to a “big broad-band wireless solution”. Providing border agents with 1,000 free minutes a month to call for reinforcements was a powerful argument. Smith pointed out that “we don’t need a Star Wars-type solution here.”

If Smith is right, there is still time to reopen the bidding and give the Iraqi government a shot at the business. If a Star Wars-type solution is not what you want, the latest plan to secure the borders of their capital is a perfect fit. The Boys from Baghdad are planning to dig a 50 mile trench around the city to control who comes in and out. Here is a chance for the new government of Iraq to show their gratitude to the US for bringing the benefits of democracy to their country. If a 50 mile trench can keep Al Qaeda out of Baghdad, a 1,951 mile trench along the US-Mexican border is an obvious answer to keeping assorted gardeners, hotel maids and Mariachi bands out of Arizona and New Mexico.

Of course, a ditch separating the United States and Mexico might be considered a bit too low-tech by the DHS. The Iraqis might want to consider a joint proposal with Perrier, Evian or Pellegrino. $2 billion should be enough to dig the new ditch and fill it with water, providing a critical line of defence for America.

The new watery ditch could also provide an opportunity for the US Congress to focus their attention on border security and do what they do best. They could name the new ditch. Rio Grande has a nice ring to it.

The Rule Of Law

2006-09-15T07:06:00.000-05:00

It looks as if Sudan is finally responding to international pressure to respond to civilized norms and to improve its record on human rights. The Sudanese National Commission for International Humanitarian Law has just announced an agreement to work with the International Committee of the Red Cross “with a view to ensuring that the rules of humanitarian law are duly incorporated into domestic legislation.”

Of course, skeptics will question whether the Khartoum government is serous about joining the Axis of Niceness or getting their legal system up to the level of North Korea or Zimbabwe. Restarting a 21 year-old civil war in the south of the country and murdering 200,000 people in Darfur does present a bit of a public relations problem. These guys have even managed to get Kofi Annan upset with them and The Kofer has threatened to call for a UN Commission to Worry About Sudan as soon as the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, Santa Lucia is completed in 2009.

In order to counter accusations that the Sudanese legal system is out of step with modern jurisprudence, the boys from Khartoum only have to point to the case of Mr Alifi’s goat.

Mr Tombe, a neighbour, apparently noticed that Mr Alifi had a goat (there is no claim that Mr Tombe actually said “ee-i-ee-i-o”). There is a claim, however, that Mr Tombe got to know the goat in question in the Biblical sense

According to Mr Alifi, he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and rushed outside to investigate. He claims, "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up". Having discovered the accused in the act of goatus interruptus, Mr Alifi did what any law-abiding citizen would do; he decided to let the law take its course. As a result, Mr Tombe has a new wife and Mr Alifi has pocketed a very nice dowry. It is not clear if the goat has gotten used to wearing a burkha yet. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

Sources in H I’s Sudan Bureau at the Khartoum Khorner Khebab Shoppe in the Kentish Town Road, North London have revealed additional facts about this case. It is claimed that Mr Tombe decided to have his way with the goat because Mr Alifi’s camel had a headache. At the trial, Mr Tombe was offered the choice of marrying the goat or becoming a suicide bomber. After being informed that he could not substitute 72 sheep for the standard 72 virgins after he arrived in paradise, he agreed to make an honest goat out of the goat. Speaking through a translator, a good natured Mr Tombe said, “it’s not all that bad…most of the women in this village are real dogs.”

The Speaker of the Arab Parliament, Mohammad Jassem Al-Saqer, has urged the UN not to enforce resolution 1706 which calls for an international peace keeping force to prevent genocide in Sudan’s Darfur province. He may have a point.

After all, mass murder, forced migration, starving millions, lack of medical services, and the total destruction of all means of life support might not be pretty to watch. But how can anyone really get upset with a country that makes it illegal to get someone’s goat?

Physician, Do No Harm

2006-09-10T08:19:00.000-05:00

There is some argument about whether Hippocrates was born in 470 or 460 BC in Ancient Greece. But there is no doubt that he is the guy who came up with the Hippocratic Oath. That’s the promise that doctors have been making for over 2,500 years: to follow a professional code of conduct, to work for the good of their patients, to avoid violating the morals of their community, and to do no harm. That is, until the US Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services got into the act.

It seems that this outfit paid out $275 million last year to get doctors to assess elderly Medicare patients’ reactions to chemotherapy. For an extra $130 per visit, reactions like pain, fatigue and nausea were included in the evaluation and then reported on. Apparently pain, fatigue and nausea assessments are optional extras; for an extra $130 your physical examination can be super sized! Unfortunately for the Medicare patients, their share of this cost was $26. Unfortunately for US taxpayers, the government’s share was $104. Fortunately for the doctors, the odd $130 can add up to more than a golf club membership if you upgrade enough of those bothersome office appointments to examinations.

About 90% of eligible health care providers went along with this idea and the average provider earned a cool $23,000 from the Feds for noticing that Mrs Goldfarb was in agony and throwing up in the waiting room before collapsing on the little practice putting machine in the office. The top ten noticers pocketed more than $270,000 and one Hippocratic heir in Kansas picked up $507,563. This would be a nifty idea if the results of all this noticing and assessing and reporting were actually worth anything.

Unfortunately, Daniel Levinson, Inspector General of the US Department of Health and Human Services reported “numerous gaps and anomalies in the data and collection methods”. In a strong defence of the medical profession, after reviewing the programme, the Congressional Medical Advisory Commission reported that “Most oncologists did not believe it would lead to quality improvements for patients or produce any useful research findings”. The Commission did not report on how many little practice putting machines were saved from irreparable damage.

All is not lost. After all, Bill Frist, (Republican-Tennessee) the majority leader of the US Senate, is a doctor and he can surely get to the bottom of this story. High ranking Congressional sources assure H I that Bill will use his extensive medical background to review this sordid tale as soon as he has convinced Tennessee not to lift his medical license. What with all the pressures of spending $275 million on gathering useless research findings and diagnosing brain dead Floridians based on looking at home movies, Bill has not had the time to meet the state’s continuing education requirements for physicians. As soon as the Senator wraps up his presidential campaign, there should be plenty of time to get caught up. In the meantime, there is a huge demand for his medical skills. The United States is full of people who are suffering from pain, nausea and fatigue at the thought of Senator Frist running for President.

Alas, there is no record that Hippocrates ever ran for public office. It would have been handy if he had come up with an oath that said Politician, Do No Harm.

Is It Or Isn't It?

2006-09-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

In a disturbing update to H I’s exclusive coverage of the recent meeting of the International Astronomical Union in Prague, it appears that the issue of whether Pluto is a full fledged planet is not settled. Charges of ‘bad science’, ‘national self-interest’ and ‘election fraud’ are swirling around the IAU.

On the last day of the meeting, 424 of the 2,500 delegates showed up to vote to change Pluto’s status to ‘dwarf planet’. Apparently the rest of the delegates were sleeping off hangovers in the Czech beer capital. In their absence, the insurgent ‘dynamicist’ faction passed a controversial definition of a planet that had the effect of an asteroid hitting the earth. They decided that a planet is “a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit." The opposition ‘planetary geologist’ faction has gone into its own orbit.

NASA immediately launched a withering attack on the ‘rigged vote’. The US New Horizons mission to Pluto is about 6 months into a nine and a half year flight to study what it thinks is a planet. A high ranking NASA source told H I, “Imagine driving 30 miles to a really nice restaurant only to find out that it’s a McDonalds. Besides, half the people who live in trailer parks in Alabama fit that stupid definition.” It is reported that the White House is considering sending the 101st Airborne Division in to restore democracy to the IAU.

Athanasios Stavrodopolous, of Athens’ Asteroskopeio Dimotikos observatory, immediately demanded €50 billion compensation from the EU. “Pluto is a Greek god and this is a question of national honour. Believe me, Greece will not sell its national honour for less, or certainly not for much less!” Italy responded by threatening to mobilize the marching band of its Astronautica Gloriana Division to defend the Roman god Jupiter.

Defending the Dynamicist position, Jocelyn Bell Burnell, a specialist in neutron stars from Northern Ireland, urged the opposition “to look on the bright side”. Apparently even dwarf planets have bright sides. Mickey O’Leary, president of PIRA (Provisional Irish Republican Astronomers) responded ‘Fawk dat, never surrender!” He announced that PIRA was considering a bombing campaign against the Jodrell Bank radio telescope in the UK.

Michael Brown, who started this controversy by discovering a ‘new planet’ called 2003 UB313 was philosophical about the results of the election. “I may go down in history as the guy who killed Pluto.” He was very relieved however, that the other Michael Brown would go down in history as the guy who killed New Orleans.

There is obviously a need for another election. Perhaps Jimmy Carter can be persuaded to observe it. Perhaps the Planetary Geologists Party can stay sober long enough to vote. Or perhaps everyone can agree to let Pat Robertson decide the answer. After all, he is the person who discovered that the entire universe is only 8,257 years old.

You Say Potato

2006-08-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

People planning to travel in the USA will be disappointed to learn that they have missed the 6th World Potato Congress in Boise, Idaho (20-26 August, 2006). It’s back to the same old boring itinerary of Disney World, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Elvis Presley’s Graceland mansion until next year’s World Potato Congress takes centre stage.

The week-long event was organised by the National Potato Research and Education Foundation of McLean, Virginia. The foundation’s headquarters is nestled in the rolling northern Virginia countryside, near the home of the US Central Intelligence Agency. Perhaps that explains the excitement about this year’s demonstration of the new Potato Predator. This unmanned drone airplane can transmit aerial photographs of potato fields to help in spotting enemies such as spot weed and potato blight. (H I is unable to confirm rumours that the Potato Predator can also spot large groups of terrorists assembling in potato fields and target them with air-to-ground missiles.)

An exciting highlight of the 2006 programme was the series of expert panels on topics designed to appeal to visitors young and old. Audiences went wild during Global Forces Pushing Potatoes into the 21st Century, Potato Tuber Moth - An Invasive Pest of Global Proportions, and New Options for Sprout Inhibition. These guys really know how to stage an event.

As a service to readers, H I has obtained a partial programme of next year’s World Potato Congress:

Mr Potato Head: Master of Disguise in the War On Broccoli

Chips versus Crisps and the Anglo-American Special Relationship

Do New Potatoes Deserve Our Sympathy?

German Potato Salad and the Other Origins of the Franco-Prussian War

Potatoes and Obesity: A Study in Vegetarian Discrimination

Boiled, Baked and Fried – Thresholds of Pain

The Irish Potato Famine and the Spread of Roman Catholicism

The Diary of a Southern Sweet Potato in President Lincoln’s Kitchen Cabinet

Pommes Frites: Belgium’s Lasting Contribution to Western Civilization

Readers are encouraged to book early for the 7th World Potato Congress. Hotel rooms in Boise, Idaho are limited and the promised demonstration of the satellite guided, laser powered potato weevil death-ray weapon is sure to draw huge crowds.

From Pillar To Post

2006-08-24T07:34:00.000-05:00

Several universities in Great Britain have caused a bit of a kerfuffle by announcing that more ‘traditional’ subjects are a better preparation for higher education. Cambridge has said students should study those subjects if they want to be ‘realistic’ applicants. Apparently Manchester University and the London School of Economics are saying the same thing: courses such as Media Studies, Health and Social Care, and Performing Arts are a bit ‘soft’ in the competition for places.

Of course, many traditional subjects are no longer taught at any level in the UK. Some are simply not of practical use to anyone. These include Latin, Colonial Administration and Anglican Theology. Others are out of step with 21st Century Britain. Amongst these are, Agriculture, English as a First Language and Parliamentary Democracy. It’s lucky that a few of the traditional subjects like Maths and Physics are still on offer. At least someone will be able to deal with PiP.

Pricing in Proportion (PiP) is the new system for determining the Royal Mail’s delivery charges. This exciting new plan is based on the weight and size of the item to be posted. For first class, it couldn’t be simpler. If something is up to 240 mm long, 165 mm wide, 5 mm thick, and weighs no more than 100 grams, it’s a letter. If it’s up to 353 mm long, 250 mm wide, 25mm thick and weighs up to 750 grams, it’s a large letter. If it’s either longer than 353 mm, wider than 250 mm, thicker than 25 mm, or weighs more than 750 grams, it’s a packet. (If it’s any bigger or heavier than that, it’s too bloody awkward and the unionised postal workers won’t shift it in any case, so bugger off, mate.)

The sharp consultant types at the Royal Mail say that the system works very well in countries like Germany and Singapore. It appears that they may have overlooked something however. Between emails and text messaging, the only people who still send letters are over 65 and they still think there are 12 pence to the shilling and that millimetres and grams are used by Huns and Johnny Foreigner. It could be argued that the sharp consultant types who thought this up are 7 mm thicker than the back of an axe.

The queues in the local sub-post office as the patient, overworked and friendly staff member (who was probably born in Bangalore) tries to explain the metric system to dear old Mrs Mavis Witter will make check-in at Heathrow look like a choreographed ballet.

Of course, PiP may be a real benefit to Heathrow Airport as well. All carry-on articles have to be contained in a single sized bag. If it’s up to 450 mm long, 350 mm wide and 160 mm deep, it’s a carry-on bag. If it’s bigger than that, it isn’t. All the complexity and frustration of checking in for a flight can be put in perspective.

British Airports Authority has an opportunity for a real public relations coup here. When some stroppy passenger complains about the new baggage rules there’s an obvious answer. Passengers will surely be more cooperative when they are reminded, ‘Oi, Sunshine! Have you tried posting a letter lately?’

Blessed Are The Peacekeepers

2006-08-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

By agreeing to United Nations Resolution 1701, the world body decided to send 15,000 troops to Lebanon to enforce the ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah. A highly placed source in the UN Food and Beverage Secretariat reports that the nations of the world are engaged in a frenzied attempt to put the new force together. According to H I’s informant, “These guys are going through Château Petrus ’85 and caviar canapés like the world depends on it”. Happily for global peace, the UN is making real progress.

Bangladesh has made an offer of 2,000 if someone can provide transportation. Malaysia and Indonesia have offered 1,000 each as long as they don’t not have to recognise that Israel exists. Nepal has offered 1,000 so that some of their soldiers can get a break from their own civil war. Italy may kick in 3,000 after the August holiday season, and Germany has offered to despatch its naval forces to keep Hezbollah’s aircraft carriers bottled up in Beirut harbour. Discussions are being held with forty-five other countries from Europe, South America, Africa, and Asia to see if they can send troops. There are also parallel negotiations underway for the dispatch of 35,000 translators to the region so that the basic rules of operation can be sorted out. The world is not ready for an armed conflict between Ecuador and Lithuania over who gets to park their tank in the shade.

At least it looks like the overall command of this powerful new force for peace is in place. With an impressive contribution of 200 troops, France has accepted the challenge. General Jean Pierre Vauban-Maginot, spokesman for President Chirac, said, “as ze leading countray in ze wearld, France ees raddy to mak zees hoffair”. Shortly after the General’s comments, the UN announced that they were considering increasing the number of translators. The United States Congress sent a strong message of support to President Chirac by officially changing the name of ‘freedom fries’ back to ‘french fries’. President Bush was quoted as saying, “if Jacks and the rest of those countries take care of Hizbuller, I can take care of that Almajonnybob fella in Iran. And it’s good to see a South American country like Nepal steppin’ up to the plate.”

Of course the world should not be carried away with a false sense of optimism. The actual rules of engagement for the UN force have not been defined. The prospect of 15,000 guys in blue helmets and who speak 53 different languages wandering around a war zone looking for a place to buy a carpet or get a shag is a bit daunting. And if the Château Petrus ’85 runs out back at headquarters, Kofi may wind up talking to an empty room. Luckily there may be a back-up plan.

There is one country that has experience in sorting out the complex issues of the Middle East since 1095. No one has had the nerve to attack them in over 400 years. Their army has been constantly training since 1506 and was originally composed of 15,000 soldiers. It may be time to bring in the Vatican. The uniforms of the Swiss Guard make those blue helmets look like camouflage gear. Every document they ever handled is in the library so they must still have the plans for the crusades. None of their troops are Jewish or Muslim and they all speak the same language – Latin.

The Vatican might go for this plan. After all, if anyone has a shot at being a blessed peacekeeper, they have the inside track.

Hold The Pizza, Hold The Pie

2006-08-16T09:38:00.000-05:00

Whether you learned as a child to say ‘My very excellent mother just sent us nine pizzas’, ‘My very educated mother just sent us nine pies’, or some other equally nonsensical phrase, it was all about the handy use of a mnemonic. This particular mnemonic is used to help children remember the names of the planets in the order of their position from the sun. Of course, every 248 years Neptune drifts out past Pluto for 20 years before returning to its assigned spot; but 20 years out of 248 is not worth worrying about. Perhaps that’s why ‘My very excellent mother just sent us nine pizzas…extra oregano, pepperoni, anchovies, no sausage, peppers’ (except occasionally Pluto and Neptune switch places) never caught on. A good mnemonic can only take you so far. In any case, mum may want to hold off on ordering pizza or baking nine apple pies. The International Astronomical Union is about to demote Pluto from being a first class planet.

Almost three thousand astronomers are meeting in Prague for 12 days to test the effects of pilsner beer on telescope aiming and to decide the status of Pluto. Just like pilsner, this controversy has been brewing for some time. As they say down at the Budvar brewery, the discovery of a new and bigger object orbiting the sun about three times further away than poor old Pluto has brought the issue to a head. Michael Brown, of the California Institute of Technology, found the new wannabe planet and the fun loving guys at the IAU named it ‘2003 UB313’. The IMU (International Mnemonic Union) has spent 6 months in a Dublin saloon trying to work that into mum’s care package.

At first everybody ridiculed the idea of a new planet out there; but when the IAU realised that this particular Michael Brown was not the guy who managed the New Orleans hurricane response, everyone came around. There’s a good chance that the new arrival discovered by Brown, Pluto, and two other chunks of rock named Ceres and Charon will get lumped together in a new category called ‘dwarfs’. So it looks as if we’ll wind up with eight ‘classical planets’ and four also-rans.

Pluto is (or was, as the case may be) the only classical planet discovered by an American. Back in 1930, good old Clyde Tombaugh of Kansas discovered the little object after spending years looking at photographs of the sky. Photographs of the sky are really interesting compared to photographs of the earth if you are in Kansas. If Pluto is demoted, Mr Tombaugh takes a bit if a hit. Perhaps 2003 UB313 can be named ‘Brown’ to keep the Americans sweet on this deal. (Walt Disney already used the really neat dwarf names anyway; and a planet called Grumpy or Dopey lacks a certain scientific aura.)

This whole thing is now too complicated to teach to wide-eyed first graders. It’s time to move Solar System Studies to the high school curriculum. H I’s astronomy reporter, Bambi Van Allen, reports that the guys from the IMU are going through astronomical amounts of Guinness down at Cafferty’s Saloon in Dublin trying to come up with a meaningful mnemonic to help teenagers remember Ceres, Charon, Pluto and, possibly, Brown. Barman Seamus Finnegan said, ‘dey almost wrecked the feckin’ place arugin’ over UB 313. Dat’s a shite name if you ask me.’

Happily, at least the IMU has agreed on new aide memoire that teens can relate to for the eight classical planets: ‘My very exhausted mother just slipped us nembutol’.

War Of The Words

2006-08-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

In 1939, David O Selznick released Gone With The Wind and the US Civil War was defined for generations of Americans. It would seem that after over 65 years there would not be much disagreement on what a civil war is, but that definition is once again being challenged by critics and defenders of the Iraq adventure.

The critics point to the fact that Sunni and Shiite Muslins are killing each other at a rate of several hundred a day. They are blowing up each other’s mosques, businesses and homes, and invading each other’s territory. The defenders of America’s current policy dispute that a civil war is underway. US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld points out that “Iraq isn’t in a classic civil war at this stage…certainly it isn’t like our civil war…”

H I has managed to obtain a copy of the briefing paper that Secretary Rumsfeld requested to settle once and for all whether there is a civil war going on in Iraq:

To: Sec Def

The Pentagon, Washington DC

On the surface it’s easy for your critics to assume that there is a Civil War in Iraq. Iraqis are deeply divided and Sunnis and Shiites are killing each other every chance they get. Cities are under siege and bands of fast moving raiders are staging bloody hit and run attacks. But that’s where the similarity stops.

If you look deeper, it’s clear that there is no Civil War in Iraq. No one is wearing blue or grey uniforms and the southerners from down Basra way don’t own a single slave. Moqtada al-Sadr’s Mahdi Army does not refer to him as ‘Stonewall Sadr’ and there are no Delta Force reports that they ever sit around a fire at night singing ‘Dixie’.

Ibrahim al-Jaafari, the former Prime Minister, has never been called ‘Honest Ib’. NSA analysis of satellite imagery of the country clearly shows that Falujah does not look anything like Gettysburg from the air and no stern wheel riverboats have been observed on either the Tigris or Euphrates rivers.

Perhaps the most important reason that events in Iraq should not be defined as a Civil War is that everybody, whether they are from the south or the north, hates Yankees.

We suggest that you say, ‘Iraq isn’t in a classic civil war at this stage…certainly it isn’t like our civil war…’ with full confidence.

PS: If anyone asks when we will able to withdraw our troops from Iraq, the current Joint Chiefs of Staff estimate is four score and seven years.

H I’s Wolf Scarlett has taken a poll of Iraqis in Baghdad as to whether they think they are in a civil war. Ninety seven per cent responded, ‘Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn’.

Off The Road Again

2006-08-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

After an extended and intensive bout of travel to investigate breaking news stories and visit the world’s troubled hot spots, it appears as if the editorial staff of H I will be safely ensconced back in Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia for a while. It has been a harrowing experience to be in London, Madrid, Salamanca, Dusseldorf, Darmstadt, Ottawa and San Diego. Luckily, emergency rations of gin were available in all these exotic ports of call.

If you really want harrowing, however, the destination is not important. Whether it’s a week in Afghanistan or a weekend in Buffalo when the Miss Teen America pageant is in town, being there is not nearly as harrowing as getting there. H I has had the opportunity to travel with Virgin Atlantic, Iberia, Easy Jet, Air Berlin, US Air and Southwest Airlines in the past two months. The Warsaw Convention may govern the way passengers’ baggage is treated but the Geneva Convention obviously does not govern the way the passengers are treated. Travelling in Europe is marginally more acceptable as you don’t have to take your shoes off for the security inspection and the cabin crews don’t have names like Lance and Misty. Travelling in the US is marginally less acceptable.

The US airline industry has adopted the ‘hub and spoke model’. Unless you are travelling from one city with a population of more than four million to another city with a population of more than four million, you have to stop at a city with a population of less than one million. It is not necessary for this intermediate stop to be in the general direction of travel.

These intermediate stops are useful for testing the effects of micro-waved pizza on human beings and allow the members of the Golden Years Travel Club of Des Moines, Iowa to attach additional city decals to their carry on baggage. They also have the potential of enhancing the nation’s homeland security by eliminating the need to send terrorists to Saudi Arabia for questioning. Any fanatical jihadi would tell all after five hours waiting for a connecting flight in Philadelphia.

The other model the US airline industry has adopted is ‘no frills’ food. Southwest Airlines has apparently gotten this down to a science. On flights lasting more than four hours, passengers are provided with little boxes of ‘snacks’ that have obviously been purchased from the United Nations Refugee Agency. Apparently it is spiritually uplifting for Southwest passengers to share the ‘no frills food experience’ with the residents of Darfur. Veteran Southwest passengers have developed a strategy to deal with this situation. They bring enough soft drinks, sandwiches, pizza slices, fruit, processed cheeses, energy bars, cookies, crisps, and packaged salads to feed the population of their departure city. By the end of the flight, Lance and Misty are dragging massive plastic rubbish bags down the aisle collecting the food wrappers, drinks cans, leftovers, bits of lettuce, crusts of bread, and the odd slice of pepperoni. (This haul of supplies is undoubtedly recycled back to the United Nations Refugee Agency.)

Travel may broaden the mind and enrich the spirit, but if it were not for the commitment to journalism and the salutary effects of gin, H I might stay permanently in Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia. In any event, columns will resume forthwith.

Time Travel

2006-05-28T03:07:00.000-05:00

With the increasing appeal of exotic vacations, it was a sure thing that someone would come up with the idea of travelling back in time to a remote destination. In the great contest to see who can tell the most boring stories about their holiday (complete with 11,739 photos), Mr Sergei Zimov has come up with an idea that guarantees to have family and friends begging for mercy. Mr Zimov is offering the chance to go back to the Pleistocene Period and spend a happy holiday in Yakutia, Siberia.

The Pleistocene Period dates from about 1.85 million to about 11,550 years ago. That should be enough to upstage your neighbour’s four-hour soliloquy on how Stonehenge was built. At a lousy 4,000 years, visiting Stonehenge is not much more impressive than visiting a 37-year old motorway service area. Outdoing your brother-in-law, who likes to bang on about his Caribbean cruise, is just as easy. Going to Yakutia makes going to Jamaica about as exciting as going to the corner shop.

In order to create this truly unique tourist attraction, Sergei plans to populate his 194,000 acre Lenskiye Stolby Nature Park with animals that lived there during the Paleolithic Age. He has released several hundred wild horses and brought in a herd of Siberian musk oxen. Canada has donated 30 bison to replace the local herds that died off about 5,000 years ago. But the real attractions will be the woolly mammoths.

Japanese scientists are busily working on cloning one of these extinct animals using DNA from ancient frozen remains. Apparently, Chief Scientist Dr Mokimoto Yakimori is optimistic based on his successful work on the Godzilla project. As a backup plan, defrosted woolly mammoth sperm may be used to impregnate an Indian elephant to recreate the species through breeding. A prehistoric, ten ton animal that looks like an elephant in a floor-length fur coat, and that can stand on two legs on a little platform, and dive into a tank of water, should be a real crowd pleaser.

A holiday at Lenskiye Stolby Nature Park should appeal to everyone. For sun lovers, in the two-week summer it gets hot enough to melt the asphalt on the roads. But for people who like it a bit cooler, Yakutia is really a treat. The coldest temperature on earth was recorded there in 1885: - 68.5C. That’s -98.3F in real degrees. It’s normal for the local lakes and rivers to freeze solid all the way to the bottom in the winter, and there is year-round permafrost.

As if wandering around 194,000 acres of frozen tundra to catch a view of a musk ox is not enough, side trips can be arranged to the many Siberian slave labour camps that were built in the area. Getting there couldn’t be easier either. Domodedovo Airlines offers several scheduled flights on their comfy Ilyushin 62-M’s and 96-300’s. The airline guarantees that all parts falling off their airplanes are of the finest Soviet-era craftsmanship. (For flight bookings simply type in Домодедовские Авиајіинии on Priceline or Orbitz.) Sergei certainly knows how to market a tourist package.

So the next time some obnoxious bore starts talking about his vacation as if it were as exciting as a holiday in Jurassic Park, just tell him that real men go to Pleistocene Park. With any luck, the hypothermia will get him, Domodedovo Airlines will get him, or Dumbo the flying woolly mammoth will get him.

On The Road Again

2006-05-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

It’s time for H I to move the editorial offices back across the pond. It would be easy to say that this is just a jolly in Europe, but thanks to Ali Gomaa, and the city council of Ecija, Spain, there is work to be done. After all, saving mankind’s cultural heritage is more important than a holiday.

Ali Gomaa is the Grand Mufti of Egypt. Most Grand Muftis stay busy issuing fatwas about normal religious questions and problems. Between announcing edicts on stoning women to death, decapitating infidels, and organising riots, being a GM is a tough job. The paperwork is a killer. Luckily, the internet helps with the workload. Islam Online, a popular 21st Century website aimed at the 14th Century web-savvy market segment, has a really nifty fatwa section for those everyday religious questions. If you want to know what to do on your wedding night when she finally takes off the tarpaulin, just log on to Fatwas-R-Us. If there’s a question on whether it’s ok to blow up a Starbucks for messing up the triple macchiato order, the answer is just a click away. But for those really tricky questions, there’s nothing like having a real live Grand Mufti.

Grand Mufti Ali Gomaa of Egypt has come up with an idea that makes Pat Robertson sound rational. He has decided that all the statues in Egypt have to go. Since people have been putting up statues in Egypt for about 7,000 years, the statue inventory is pretty impressive. Between Egyptian gods, Greek gods, and Roman gods, just about every museum, city park, and tourist trap is full of statues.

In response to this threat to some of the world’s great cultural heritage assets, H I is mounting a campaign to save Osiris. If any Egyptian god deserves to have his statues saved it’s this one. As the ancient historian Diodorus said, "Wherever a country did not permit the culture of the vine, there Osiris taught the people how to brew the beverage which is made of barley.” The Big O was the god of beer.

The Save Osiris campaign gets off to its official start on Monday when H I moves its headquarters back to the Pig & Whistle in North London. An appropriate statue of the old boy will be set up in a place of honour next to the dartboard. Massive quantities of the new special guest beer Gift of Osiris ESB will be consumed in protest and all profits from the sale of salt and vinegar crisps will be donated to AGGS (Ali Gomaa Get Stuffed). .

H I is also monitoring news from Ecija, Spain regarding the destruction of the ancient Roman City of Colonia Augusta Firmi Astigi to build a municipal car park. It appears that it will be necessary to go on to Spain to launch a campaign to honour Bacchus, Roman God of wine. (Although saving the world’s cultural heritage is a daunting task, at least in this case there should be good parking close to a decent bar.)

Given the critical need to devote significant time to saving Osiris and Bacchus, there may be some interruption in publishing updates to H I for several weeks. Subscribers to H I will continue to get alerts on new columns. All readers can show their support for these two campaigns by dramatically increasing their intake of beer and wine.

Spray Misty For Me

2006-05-09T11:35:00.000-05:00

You have to hand it to the pharmaceutical industry. Every company dreams of coming up with completely new ways of making money from its products, but the drug companies have figured out how to accomplish that in spades. If you are in the business of curing disease, you can never have enough of them. A healthy supply of diseases makes for a healthy cash flow. It’s a bit like the police recruiting and training criminals. Having a goodly supply of felons, cutthroats, and assorted miscreants helps the constabulary to grow and prosper.

Since the old, reliable diseases cannot be depended on for future earnings, new ailments are important. Rickets, scurvy, scarlet fever, ague, and the vapours are not the cash cows they used to be. Thankfully for investors, the guys in the disease lab are good at staying one step ahead of the guys in the cures lab. Between attention deficit disorder (ADD), restless leg syndrome (RLS), Male Erectile Dysfunction (MED), and the rest, just about everyone needs a dose of something. It was just a matter of time before FHC became the focus of attention.

Palatin Technologies of New Jersey, and scientists at Concordia University, Canada, have come up with PT-141; a nasal spray that gets people in the mood for a shag. Getting men in the mood for a shag is not actually a major scientific breakthrough. A short treatment of beer often solves the problem and, in severe cases, twenty minutes of web surfing or paging through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue is usually efficacious. For men with a serious, shag threatening condition, there’s always Viagra. The real breakthrough is that sniffing a bit of PT-141 seems to cure women with FHC: Frequent Headache Complaint. According to Palatin, with a quick snort of this stuff, a woman is not only able but also willing. At least that’s how the rats behave.

In experiments with female rats, Dr Jim Phaus of Concordia noted that test subjects immediately started wiggling their ears, slapping males in the face, and generally acting like wantons. The effects of PT-141 are virtually instantaneous and after a quick spritz, the rat lab immediately took on the appearance of a house of horizontal recreation in Bangkok.

More work is required to ensure that the new wonder drug is effective on human females. Dr Selim Celik, of the University College London says, “It’s acting on the brain, and we don’t know how female sexual behaviour is regulated in the brain.” (It’s a sure bet the answer is more than male sexual behaviour is regulated in the brain.) Part of the challenge will be to eliminate the side effects currently seen in the female rats. Wiggling the ears followed by slapping some guy in the face might be misinterpreted, particularly in a singles bar or local biker hang-out.

Palatin Technologies may have a real winner here. Even if some women are not interested in nasally induced nookie, a lot of men might pay top price for a spray can of this stuff. What is a 20-minute meaningful relationship worth these days? The overall economic impact could be huge. If millions of people are sniffing and shagging, it’s a sure thing that the demand for pizza and cigarettes will skyrocket. That’s really good for the spread of heart disease and lung cancer and, after all, finding cures is almost as profitable as finding diseases.

Where In The World

2006-05-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

According to National Geographic, younger Americans are not too savvy when it comes to knowing their geography. A recent poll of 18-24 year olds produced worrying evidence of geographic illiteracy. The survey asked a series of questions about the countries and peoples of the world. The results have called into question the effectiveness of the 20-minute lesson plan on geography most American students are exposed to in their 12 year mandatory educational careers.

Finding Pakistan and Afghanistan on a map proved to be difficult. The latter was missed by 88% of those polled. (In fairness, between Pakistan, Afghanistan, Waziristan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, and Tajikistan, this is a tough assignment. Grouping them all together and labelling the territory Trashcanistan might have helped.)

Thanks to Wal-Mart, seven in ten found China on a map, however 10% thought Sudan is in Europe. This is considered a forgivable error as 93% of people who have ever visited London think the same thing. A majority of those questioned could not find the Pacific Ocean. The lack of recognizable landmarks makes that a particularly tough task. Surprisingly, even with all the news coverage, 67% cannot find Iraq and 33% failed to locate Louisiana, much less New Orleans. Luckily, the US Government has a plan to make Iraq easier to find.

The new US embassy being built in Baghdad will be a useful landmark. In fact, aliens from outer space will be able to spot it without leaving their home planet. Although construction has so far eaten up $1 billion, there is only $1.3 billion to go before the grand opening. This will be the biggest embassy on the globe. The 104 acre site is being surrounded by a 15 foot thick impenetrable wall which should prevent deliriously happy Iraqis from tossing troublesome bouquets of flowers into the grounds. There will be office space for 8,000 staff members, 619 one-bedroom flats, the largest swimming pool in Iraq, barber and beauty shops, a shopping mall and a food court. Just to make sure that the embassy provides a beacon of hope to the Middle East, there will be self contained water, electricity and sewage plants built to US standards. There’s nothing like inviting a few locals over for a hot shower to provide a beacon of hope.

At least this complex, which is about two-thirds the size of the National Mall in Washington, DC, will raise the morale of the dedicated State Department employees who work there. They have to agree to spend a whole year in Baghdad (minus the vacation every three months and the two trips back to the States). That leaves ample time to try all the fast-food joints in the food court and get a couple of hair cuts. Clearly, a new phase in US-Iraqi relations is planned as the diplomats replace the troops.

The government might be able to use this idea to put New Orleans back on the map as well. Providing reliable water, electricity and sewage facilities might perk up morale. The parts of town above the flood line could be filled with new flats, shopping malls, swimming pools and food courts. Surrounding the place with a 15 foot thick impenetrable wall would also help.

In the meantime, the strip-joints have been reopened in the French Quarter, 24-hour drinking is back, and the party is on. Clearly a new phase in New Orleans-visitor relations is planned as the bartenders replace the troops. National Geographic should be happy to know that the map reading skills of the 18-24 crowd are expected to improve dramatically.

Children Playing Tag

2006-04-30T08:09:00.000-05:00

There’s nothing like a nifty new scientific or technical development to start a fight. Biometric identification makes the civil rights activists mad. Cloning has the medical ethicists screaming at each other. Genetically modified crops enrage the whole-earthers, and nuclear power drives the anti-glow-in-the-dark crowd nuts. As if there were not enough arguing and protesting going on already, a new development has emerged that has the ability to start another war. RFID Tags have arrived.

Radio frequency identification tags are very small devices that can receive and respond to signals and can be attached to or embedded in products, animals, and people. The really powerful RFID’s are battery powered. When inserted in products, they can transmit all kinds of nifty information needed for shipping, sale, maintenance, and disposal of an item. When inserted in animals they can help find lost pets, ensure breeding information, and track herds. When inserted in people thy can provide medical background information, ensure identity, and help find missing drunks. These little devices are showing up everywhere and transmitting all sorts of information to all sorts of people, companies, and government organisations. Let the warfare begin.

The big retailers like RFID Tags a lot. Wal-mart in the US, and Marks and Spencer in the UK are planning to tag everything they sell. Albrecht Von Truchsess, of the German retailer Metro Group, is really excited about tags. He says, “RFID really brings a revolution to everything that is transported from one point to another, and in the future you will have it really on everything.” One can imagine Herr Von Truchsess calling all the items in the frozen food section to attention for an identity check. “Achtung! You vill tell us who you are und vere you came from! We haff vays of making you transmit!”

On the other side, consumer groups are concerned that too much information will be put in the wrong hands and that the tags will happily keep transmitting long after the customer buys the product. Apparently, the risk that a rogue pair of boxer shorts will report in from the laundry basket is a concern.

Viviane Reding, of Luxembourg, EU Commissioner for information society and media, is also upset. As she warns, “A new technology that is bound to multiply by 10 to 15 times in the next coming years in numbers of sales will not fly…” Luckily, fire, the wheel, flush toilets, the light bulb, and gin were all invented before Madame Reding became an EU Commissioner.

If you want really intense concern and upset however, there is only one group to turn to: Christian fundamentalists. They are worried that RFID tags will be implanted in people and evolve into the mark of the beast. Pretty soon everyone will be transmitting 666 and it will be the end of the world. Katherine Albrecht, author of The Spychips Threat: Why Christians Should Resist RFID and Electronic Surveillance, says, “My goal as a Christian is to sound the alarm.”

With so many fundamentalist Christians sounding so many alarms, Katherine might need a little help in getting her alarm heard. It might help her to sound this particular alarm if someone inserted a really powerful RFID transmitter in Ms Albrecht. Inserting the batteries is another thought altogether.

What's In A Label?

2006-04-25T08:16:00.000-05:00

In its unflagging dedication to customer satisfaction, Big Bubba's Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia has installed new, padded bar stools. US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should be pleased.

The new bar stools fall under laws that require labels on upholstered furniture, mattresses, pillows, duvets, comforters, stuffed dolls, and teddy bears. In the US, unless it's a turkey or a piñata, if it's stuffed it gets a label certifying the safety and cleanliness of the contents. The Commonwealth of Virginia employs Bedding and Upholstered Furniture Inspectors to make sure the labels are properly applied. Although they report to State Bedding and Furniture Inspection Supervisors rather than the Department of Homeland Security, the labeling regime seems to be effective. The new bar stools are not stuffed with unwashed wombat hair, used leper bandages, chemical, biological or nuclear material, or other substances dangerous to the public. The content labels are useful.

Gonzales seems to agree that labels on content are useful as well. He has called for a mandatory website labeling law to “prevent people from inadvertently stumbling across pornographic images on the Internet.” (Unfortunately, the AG’s proposal will not prevent the editor of H I from stumbling over the new bar stools after a night at Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia.)

In any case, the idea is to place appropriate “marks and notices” on each sexually explicit webpage. Images of shagging, bonking, naked cavorting, whipping, caning, and groping will get marks and notices. Basically, if an image has anything to do with people getting stuffed, it gets a label. Just to make sure that there are no loopholes in the law, “close-ups of fully clothed genital regions” will also be included. Apparently images of the Attorney General from the waist up can be displayed without a label.

The AG would like to see a second law that imprisons website operators who use “words or digital images” hidden in their site’s source code to direct visitors to porn sites. Gonzales really knows dangerous content when he doesn’t see it. There are, however, serious constitutional issues with this suggestion. The American Civil Liberties Union would immediately rise to the defense of a website called Mary Had A Little Lamb that pops up an image showing Mary actually having a little lamb.

Luckily for democracy, political websites are exempted from the proposed law. Embedding words or digital images to direct visitors to expectations of campaign promises actually being fulfilled are ok. Alberto clearly believes that content control requires a light touch.

Costs to enforce these new laws have not been established but it’s fair to say that it won’t be cheap. With tens of millions of websites in hundreds of languages, there are probably not enough people in the United States to enforce the new labeling requirements. This might be an opportunity to develop a new area of cooperation between the US and China. After all, China already makes most of the upholstered furniture, duvets, comforters, stuffed dolls and teddy bears in America. China knows how to do labels. And they also do a pretty good job of making sure only legally approved stuff gets on the Internet.

Guess Hu's Coming To Lunch

2006-04-20T08:06:00.000-05:00

Getting ready for the visit of the head of state of a major world power is a lot of work. H I has managed to get a partial transcript of a coaching session conducted by Secretary of State Rice for President Bush in preparation for the visit to Washington of President Hu Jintao of China.

Rice: Ok, Mr President, let's go over it again. Hu is the President of China.

W: I dunno. Who?

Rice: Right, sir.

W: Condy, just tell me who is the President of China?

Rice: Yes sir, he is.

W: Condoleeza, cut that out! What is the name of the President of China?

Rice: No sir, Watt is the Congressman from North Carolina.

W: Secretary Rice, how would you like to go hunting with the Vice President?

Rice: Ok sir, let's move on. Now sir, how do you say hello in Chinese?

W: How?

Rice: No sir, that's how you say hello in Native American.

W: What?

Rice: No sir, he is an African American

W: Who is an African American?

Rice: No sir, he's the President of China. Why don't I do the introductions.

W: Good idea, Condi. Let's move on. Any important calls?

Rice: Yes sir. President Chirac would like a few words.

W: Turkey!

Rice: No sir, France.

Why Wait For The MovieWhen You Can Buy The Book

2006-04-15T18:56:00.000-05:00

For 2,000 years that’s what they said about the bible; and that’s what they are saying about

Save Us From Ourselves
A Year In The Life of
Homo Insapiens

All the columns from the first year of Homo Insapiens are now in print and reactions from around the world are pouring in:

“This makes the bubonic plague look like the common cold!” World Health Organisation

“Maybe the cartoons weren’t so bad.” Jihadi Martyrs Digest

“It’s easier to pack than loo roll.”
British Foreign Office Travel Advisory

“Funnier than a rubber WMD!" Saddam Hussein

“We’re looking forward to a very busy year.”
American Waste Management Association

Now you can own the book that every one is talking about behind closed doors when no one else is listening. Don’t be the only person in your crowd wondering if they all think you are a Homo Insapiens. It’s easy to get your copy. You can

- Order it online direct from the publisher HERE

- Pop into your local book shop
(ISBN 978-1-4116-8158-3)

Please do not remove the copies of Save Us from Ourselves from the loos in the Pig & Whistle or the rest rooms in Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar. If you are that desperate to have your own copy, contact editor@homoinsapiens.com or leave a comment below.

It's Elementary

2006-04-11T08:23:00.000-05:00

There’s nothing quite like a good British crime story. Whether it is Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson, or more modern investigators from Scotland Yard, the twist and turns of a good English mystery attract readers and TV viewers around the world. Happily, a new source of material for this popular genre has been created by H M Government. SOCA has been officially launched.

The Serious Organised Crimes Agency is being referred to as Britain’s version of the FBI. The complex and focused mission of the new agency is obvious from its name. It is seriously organised. It deals with organised crime, especially seriously organised crime. It will not involve itself with humorous or trivial crimes. Comically disorganised criminals will have to find another organisation to match wits with. And the members of the new agency will be agents! Compared to that bold vision, the FBI’s job looks absolutely boring. It’s just a bureau to investigate federal stuff. (Although the FBI is a bureau rather than an agency, its employees are called agents rather than bureaucrats. The policing of American English is somewhat less rigid than the policing of America.)

Announcing the new agency, Prime Minster Tony Blair said, “There is nothing that should come before the basic liberty of the people in this country to be free from the tyranny of organised crime.” Given this bold statement, there seems to be one obvious organized criminal element against which SOCA can direct its attention: politicians.

The US Congress is pretending to be very, very upset about corruption. One member has been packed off to jail and prosecutors are looking into further possible cases. Since the US is a democracy, crooked politicians expect things like cash contributions and expensive vacations in return for favorable legislation that benefits their contributors. But the colonials have nothing on their British cousins.

Since the UK is a constitutional monarchy, crooked politicians are in a better bargaining position than the Yanks. In return for cash contributions and expensive holidays, they can offer to promote their serious contributors to the House of Lords as well. A $10 billion contract to provide left-handed scissors to the Department of Agriculture might be an attention getter in the US. Being promoted to Lord Muggins of Loose Chippings is an absolute show-stopper in the UK. For £1 million you get the contract and the chance to wear tights and a fur coat!

Given the concerns about bribes, backhanders, and general questionable practices regarding corruption in government, the political parties in the UK are banging on about the public financing of elections. Why should a few select contributors get shaken down by politicians when every citizen can be taken to the cleaners? Why not organize things – seriously?

There is a real chance for the revival of the British crime novel here. Brilliant Deputy Chief Agent Rathbone of SOCA takes on the Parliamentary Gang! The game is well and truly afoot! The SOCA team doggedly follows the trail of clues to the top of the seriously organized criminal cartel. And who could resist the final scene when organised crime czar Tony the Fixer turns to Rathbone and says, “It’s a fair cop, Guv.”

A Little Respect

2006-04-07T08:54:00.000-05:00

With almost a million square miles and a population of over 125 million people, the importance of Nigeria should not be overlooked. The country is Africa’s most populous, it has a GDP of over $130 billion, and it is the fifth largest oil producer in the world. Who could blame Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo for expecting a little respect on his recent trip to the United States? After all, diplomatic visits are a big deal. There are joint sessions of Congress to address, and trips to W’s ranch in Texas or to Camp David. The UN General Assembly is always good for a laugh and there’s always some American University willing to give away a fake degree. Then there are the public appearances. Between giving a speech to the National Press Club and the Sunday morning TV interview circuit, there’s a lot of respect to go around. After this trip, however, Olusegun may need to hire a new public relations outfit.

To start with, President Obesanjo’s big solo public appearance in New York was to discuss the African Fertilizer Conference. That registered a little low on the US Respect-o-Meter. Even worse, the conference is scheduled for June and it will be held back home in Nigeria. Not a lot of news or international respect in that. Not even a trip to Upper Volta. After handing out a press release on the value of compost to a reporter from Monthly Manure Digest in Rockefeller Center, he had plenty of time to finish the book he started back at the hotel room. This was particularly disappointing after the stop in Washington. Of course, the timing there could have been better.

The US Congress was busy arguing whether the New Orleans evacuation plan could be used as a model to evacuate 12 million people to Mexico. The local TV stations were busy arguing about who would play left field for the local baseball team. W was busy arguing with everyone else in the United States. As a result, there wasn’t much chance of a state lunch at the White House, much less a state dinner. There was a 15 minute photo op in the White House with a state cup of coffee and a donut. Of course, that was only if Charles Taylor was handed over to the United Nations.

Mr Taylor used to be the President of Liberia. Since he was indicted on multiple counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity, and declared Africa’s most wanted man, the US was determined to have him hauled into court. The fact that he was living in Nigeria and seemed to have disappeared just when the guys with the arrest warrants were about to show up didn’t help with the arrangements for the state coffee and donut. W was not happy. At the last minute, Taylor was miraculously caught trying to sneak across the border into Cameroon. The meeting with President Bush was back on. The White House sent out for a couple of decafs and a box of assorted donuts. Twenty minutes later, President Bush was on a plane to Mexico and President Obesanjo was in a cab back to the hotel.

So President Obesanjo can go home to Nigeria and brag that he made nice with President Bush and deserves to have the constitution changed so he can be President for Life – how’s that for respect George! That will give him plenty of time to send a thank you email to everyone in the US Government. One of those nifty letters asking for help in recovering $37 million from a mayonnaise jar in the Central Bank of Nigeria if only the recipient will forward their bank details so that the commission and fees can be paid. Some of the greedy buggers and idiots in Washington are bound to sign up. Just like donuts, respect comes in assorted flavours.

Spring Cleaning

2006-04-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

If you have popped in to Homo Insapiens before, you will notice that a bit of tidying up and decorating has just been done. After hoovering the premises, disposing of the empty gin bottles, and emptying the ash trays, it seemed fitting to brighten up the place a bit. Luckily, it was not necessary to engage the services of an interior decorator or a feng shui master. Estimates on the materials required to repaint the rest rooms in Big Bubba’s Bait Shop and Bar in Pungo, Virginia, and the loos in the Pig & Whistle in North London, were a bit excessive. Enough paint remained to smarten up H I and, hopefully, the results are satisfying.

Patrons are requested not to write on the walls, but comments as to the new look of H I are encouraged. The editorial staff will give all due consideration to suggestions for further improvements since considering does not get in the way of having a drink and a smoke at the bar.

Regular columns will return in a few days – as soon as the paint dries.

Vive La Tradition

2006-03-31T10:35:00.000-05:00

It’s a pretty sure thing that Ernest-Antoine Seillière will not be invited to this year’s official Bastille Day festivities in Paris – unless the celebration is intended to mark the return of the guillotine. The unfortunate M Seillière committed two capital crimes in the presence of French President Jacques Chirac at a recent EU meeting. The first was to begin his presentation to representatives of all 25 EU members in English. The second was his response to Chirac’s question as to why he was not speaking French. Ernest-Antoine responded by saying, “I’m going to speak English because that is the language of business.” With that, President Chirac stomped out of the meeting. Jacques is a bit touchy about language these days.

Last year, H I reported on Chirac’s plan to launch a French language internet search engine to compete with Google. Since storming that particular barricade has had mixed results, the backup plan was to launch Chaîne d’Information Internationale (CII), an overseas Francophone news channel to compete with the BBC and CNN. As le Président said, in French of course, “France must be on the front line in the global battle of TV pictures.” (He did not explain the difference between a French and an English picture.)

Unfortunately for CII, a detailed marketing survey has shown that most of the overseas hotels, airports and cable outlets that have a demand for a French language, all-news, 24-hour channel are in Mali, Senegal, and Haiti. The survey also revealed that those three countries have a combined 37 television sets. As a result, Jean-Pierre Paoli, an executive with the new channel, has recently announced that, for about 22 hours a day, broadcasts will be in English. It looks like Jean-Pierre will get to play drop-the-soap with Ernest-Antoine in the Bastille.

Escape for these two to the US is not an option. These days no one in France can get a passport that the US will accept without waiting about 3 months for a visa. France contracted with a company called François-Charles Oberthur Fiduciare to print the new biometric passports required by US immigration laws since October 2005. Workers at the Imprimerie Nationale protested that Cardinal de Richelieu set up their printing operation in 1648. With that much tradition, the outcome of the resulting lawsuit was never in doubt: 21st Century – 0, 17th Century - 1. The $200 million dent in the travel industry as a result of the late start on the new passports was never in doubt either.

Travel to the US is off by about 30%. With about 300,000 Frenchmen hanging around the US embassy in Paris waiting for visas instead of hanging around Disneyworld, it’s a good bet that demand for the CII channel will be off by about 99% at the Holiday Inn in Orlando.

Sadly, H I’s interview with President Chirac was cancelled. Between the mob scene around the American Embassy, students smashing up Paris, the union demonstrations, the burning cars, and the practice riots in preparation for this year’s Bastille Day, he’s very busy. H I was, however, able to contact the lead announcer of CII’s English language service, Louis-Auguste d’Agincourt. He is optimistic about the plans for CII and its ability to compete with the BBC and CNN in English. “We are goingue ovair les scripts of zee old Panque Panthair cinémas for to attract zee haudience,” he said. “Eef Petair Sellairs can take on zee Anglish, d’Agincourt can do eet as well!”