Hooking Up Smart

A Good Man is Not Hard to Find

Susan Walsh — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:09:44 +0000

Thanks to Hope, who introduced a heartwarming Reddit thread during a difficult moment yesterday.

Ladies, what was the moment when you realized that your SO really did love you?

There are many ways to say “I love you.” Here are some of my favorites:

♥ ”He stayed through my depression when I couldn’t even recognize myself.”

♥ ”I was very ill last year and I couldn’t go to the bathroom, eat, or do much of anything on my own…he would carry me to the bathroom and lift my head to feed me when I was hungry. He would run to the store at 3 am if I needed anything. He stayed by my side through all of it, and in those moments, as delirious as I was from being sick, I knew I found the person I could spend my life with. I would do it all for him, too.”

♥ ”When my friend took a candid photo of us together on a friends-night-out, that’s when I knew. I was laughing at something he had said, and he was just looking at me with the softest, most serious expression on his face. Every now and then, I’ll look over at him, and he’ll be looking at me like that again. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”

♥ ”It was shark week, and he went grocery shopping and brought back a box of tampons. He said he noticed I was almost out.”

♥ ”We were in a club and a fight broke out. He literally picked me up and put me down behind him before I even realised what was going on! It was really lovely “

♥ ”My boyfriend told me he loved me 3 times in his sleep before he told me in real life. It was pretty sweet “

♥ ”I was freaking out over possibly having bedbugs. He came over in the middle of the night to take me to his place, and stayed up with me while I panic-baked 4 types of bread/cake.”

♥ ”He wakes me up almost every single day because I have a complicated relationship with my snooze button.

He lets me tickle him even though he hates it, because I love the way he giggles.

If I go to bed at night before him he tucks me in and kisses me and turns out the lights, and when I wake up in the morning and turn on the news he has already lowered the volume to the perfect early morning level.

Even if he didn’t “spoil” me with things like ice cream and snuggles I’d still be so madly in love with him it wouldn’t matter.”

♥ ”We were laying in bed one night and I was half asleep, to the point where I could still hear things but wasn’t coherent enough to respond. I assume he thought I was asleep and was talking to me telling me that I’m beautiful and how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. All while holding me and running his fingers through my hair.”

♥ ”One night I was crying really hard, I can’t remember why, and he just gathered all of me into his arms and lap and cradled me like a baby for like an hour. It was one of the most love filled moments I’ve ever had with him.”

♥ ”Me and my SO met via friend via the internet. We talked for a year until we were both honestly interested in each other, just being really good friends. We both have had awful experiences with relationships in the past and were very cautious going into it, especially when it was long distance. (Also, both virgins at the time.)

After a long time, we realized we wanted to be together. A few months in, we were “in love,” or as “in love” as you can be being 1,000 miles away and never met, so he flew out to meet me and spend some time with me, mostly to see if the relationship was worth keeping up.

We spent 4 days together (most time spent in the hotel bedroom) in the city walking and holding hands. It was the happiest time of my life, and I had fallen hard for him. I knew we were supposed to be together. We fit together perfectly, and I couldn’t believe it.

The night before he was to leave, we had just finished having sex and were holding each other on the bed. (He is a big man: 6 foot 3 inches and ~300 pounds) We had been talking and he lifts his arm to his face and I look and he had wiped away tears. I ask him what’s wrong and he starts full out crying and said: “I’ve never loved anyone this much, and I’m scared. I don’t want to leave you. I never thought I’d find a woman, especially one that loved me too.”

That was last August. We’re getting married on Saturday.”

♥ “We hadn’t been dating very long, and we were walking through a mall while we waited for his parents to meet us for dinner. We were talking about an upcoming wedding in his family and I said “I’d marry you.” in the same causal tone you’d say “I like raspberries.” As soon as it left my mouth, I was horrified, because I thought “Great, now he’s going to think I’m that clingy girl.” He just looked at me and said “Really?” with this smile on his face.

We didn’t get engaged for another year or so, but that was the moment that I knew he loved me, too.”

♥ “He loves the smell of my stinky arm pits. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is.”

♥ “He shaved my head for me when my hair started falling out from chemo.”

♥ “I had a head cold and I accidentally fell asleep on his chest. Just stayed completely still for the 45 minutes or so it took me to regain consciousness.”

♥ “I’m doing my finals, and he brought me dinner in Tupperware and heated it so I didn’t have to take time out of revision. And he didn’t even have to be asked. His respect of my panic and work ethic meant a lot to me, because I know it would annoy a lot of guys.”

♥ “My SO told me that he loved me, and that he couldn’t have sex with me unless I loved him as well.

He explained that he has had enough love-less sex in his life and only cared about the intimate sex that he could have through love. Fortunately I loved him, too. But knowing that he would give up sex if I didn’t return his feelings was a huge indicator of his love.”

♥ “He told me that just being in my presence made him feel good.”

♥ “The fact he respected my boundaries, didn’t pressure me into anything, and asked me if I was comfortable before he touched me. (That was when I knew that he really cared about me.)

I just knew because of the way he treated me. God, I love him so much.”

♥ “When he offered to sleep by the window instead of me, in case there was a tornado.”

♥ “I injured my rib Saturday and I’m in a lot of pain, so yesterday he clipped my toenails for me since I can’t reach my feet.”

♥ “When he held my hand in front of all his friends when I came for a visit.”

♥ “He told me I was a priority in his life.”

♥ “About 4 months into our relationship, we were pretty attached, but neither of us had said the L-word yet. I was resting my head on his chest one night when I noticed his heartbeat starting to thud faster and harder against his ribs. Before I could look up and ask if he felt okay, he said, “I love you.” Turned out his increased heart rate was just nerves. I’ll cherish that little moment when I realized the extent to which he was making himself vulnerable to me.”

♥ “I realised that he truly loved me the night of our first argument. The moment I started crying, he cried with me. I asked him when he was going to stop putting up with me, and he said to me in his most serious tone of voice “Never.” We’ve only had two arguments, and solved each disagreement the day that we had them.”

♥ “He made me a peanut butter and jelly and remembered I like it cut diagonally. It’s a little thing, but it stuck with me.”

♥ “He was gone all summer vacationing and when he came back I was checking out his scuba diving licensing book thing and saw that he put me as his emergency contact person “

♥ “The moment when i looked into his ey.. …wait a second. I don’t have an SO. I never have. WHY AM I ON THIS THREAD. “

Here’s when I knew Mr. HUS loved me. He had been to see me for a weekend over the summer, and when he returned he sent me a postcard – typed – that said: “You do something very special to Mr. Average.” He signed it “HOH”

Girl Game Spring Challenge: Week 7

Susan Walsh — Mon, 20 May 2013 13:23:28 +0000

Join the forum discussion on this post

by Jackie and SayWhaat

Hey Gamers!

We’re in the penultimate week of the challenge. Hope you’re all feeling like you’ve learned a lot from challenging yourself over these past weeks!

Last week we focused on listening. This week we’re going to expand it just a little bit further.

Your challenge this week is the following: make something you like, and share it with the people you interact with on a daily basis.

For example, you could bake something and share it with your co-workers at the office, or invite people in your dorm for a treat. If you’re terrible at baking, host a potluck party! Even offering someone a glass of cold water on a hot day can mean a lot.

Or how about making a short playlist of music you like (or think they would appreciate) and sharing it? People will know you are thinking about them, plus you will have a great topic for conversations! (By the way, something like Google Drive works great for sharing.)

Or a funny or thought-provoking YouTube clip? There are tons of free e-card sites out there. Make someone a quick greeting in less than a minute! If you want to go old school, go ahead and write an old-fashioned card or letter. Most people are thrilled to get something besides ads and bills!

The purpose of this challenge is to share with others and establish or strengthen relationships. Reach out to others and be inviting. Let other people know you are thinking about them.

Report back and let us know how things went, and stay tuned next week for the FINAL part of the Spring Girl Game Challenge!

Good luck, gamers!

Tough Talk about Sexual Market Value

Susan Walsh — Thu, 16 May 2013 18:33:02 +0000

In response to yesterday’s Keep Trying post, reader Mary H asks:

On the one hand, posts like this suggest that you should always keep reaching, always keep trying to get someone better. On the other hand, books like Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” suggest that reaching too much is problematic. So how should a girl go about reconciling being discerning in who she chooses to be her boyfriend with being realistic? How should she navigate the two ends of the spectrum, one of which is being too picky and the other of which is being too desperate?

My intention in writing the post was not to suggest women should succumb to Hypergamy Insanity, but to communicate that rejection and failure are inevitable in mating. If we respond to it by shutting down, we get stuck and our dating lives grind to a halt. That’s a waste of time, but there’s also the enormous opportunity cost – a guy who would be great for you is out there looking!

However, Mary H does raise an important question. What if your failures are a result of your aiming too high, as was the case with Ms. Gottlieb? Yesterday, I suggested in a comment thread that if a woman is getting zero attention from men she likes, there are two possibilities:

1. She needs to up her Game.

2. She needs to lower her standards.

In both cases, her goal should be to find a man of the same level of attractiveness. We frequently use the term SMV, or sexual market value, when discussing this issue, but the concept has limited value when discussing relationships because it just means “how hot you are.” A more robust concept is MMV, marital market value. This comprises your value to a potential mate based on all the traits you bring to a committed relationship, included your physical assets.

In this era of casual sex, or hookup culture, more focus is given to SMV, but even here the concept falls short. Actual SMV and Effective SMV may diverge. For example, a guy with an SMV of 9 will usually be willing to have sex with a girl whose SMV is 7 or higher. If he’s wearing beer goggles, who knows how low he can go! This girl essentially gets two free points for easy access to sex, bringing her effective SMV to 9, at least for that one night. Over time, this 7 begins to see herself as a genuine 9, despite the fact that no male of that value would ever consider dating her. We’ve all seen this in real life, and certainly on facebook. It’s a form of self-delusion.

It works in the other direction as well. The female 9, unwilling to sell herself short with a ONS, wants the male 9 to be her boyfriend. Yet time and again, the male 9 chooses to hook up with the 7. Although the beautiful girl deserves her SMV rating of 9, in this market she pays a penalty for being choosy, reducing her SMV a couple of points. She may elect to date a guy with an SMV of 7, who gets a bump for his interest in committing to her. This too is readily observed on any college campus.

The most important thing you can do in dating is reach a valid assessment of your own SMV. Disregard all male attention you’ve received that indicates sexual interest. Include all male attention that constituted attraction plus a desire to spend non-sexual time with you. The average SMV of the males in the latter group is probably a good estimate of your own. (Keep in mind that if you’re in a sorority or spending a lot of time with douchey guys, you may have no guys in the latter group even if you are attractive – that’s a characteristic of that particular market niche in college. You can branch out or wait out the college years.)

Once you have a clear idea of where you reside on the spectrum, you have two choices, as mentioned above.

Up Your Girl Game

Achieve and maintain physical fitness.
Dress to flatter your body shape and use makeup to enhance your features.
Aim for a vibe in your appearance that says “girlfriend” rather than hookup.
Cultivate a friendly demeanor and pleasant personality.
Recognize that guys will care about your sexual history, and behave accordingly.
Indicate interest in a relationship to filter out cads and attract like-minded guys.

(Note: You may want to check out the Hooking Up Smart Girl Game Spring Challenge. Begin here.)

Once you have reached the point where you feel confident you look your best, get out there and see whether you get a different level or type of male appreciation. If you are still attracting men primarily for sex, you’re doing it wrong.

If you are attracting men for relationships whom you do not find attractive, and you have done everything in your power to maximize your own MMV, then comes the unpleasant but necessary task of facing facts.

Lower Your Standards

I know, this does not sound like much fun, but you’re aiming too high. Somewhere, somehow, you got an inflated sense of your market value. This is not easy to fix, but it can be done.

I’ve seen women effectively reset their attraction triggers and work harder to find the MMV in men, rather than focusing strictly on SMV. They were able to attract and form relationships with men who were a close match in terms of values, education, and physical attractiveness. Other women, like Ms. Gottlieb, were not able to make this adjustment, or made it too late, when they were forced to compete with younger, wiser women. These are the women who get to 40 and wonder why they never met “the one.” They provide their own answer – they used a funnel so narrow to filter guys that only one could make it through, and he didn’t work out.

In the end, people do marry others with similar MMV. Don’t price yourself out of the market, or you’ll wind up remaindered. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but there it is.

The silver lining is that if you work hard to increase your MMV, you may be able to punch above your SMV weight, which is what I managed to do regularly before I was married. For that reason, I’d recommend putting all your energy into Girl Game first, and compromise later if necessary.

Keep Trying

Susan Walsh — Wed, 15 May 2013 17:23:46 +0000

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I gave you a lot of work to do in yesterday’s post on meeting new guys. From Jessica Hagy’s Indexed:

Something Valuable

And while I’m at it, I’ll throw this in as well:

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Samuel Beckett

How to Meet Guys After College

Susan Walsh — Tue, 14 May 2013 15:13:42 +0000

“What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.”

Fred Ebb, Cabaret

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

Woody Allen

A reader writes:

I’m 25 and sad to report that these issues seem to persist well after college.

I would love to see more posts that address how tough it is to meet guys period. I think the “few and far between” mentality is a huge contributing factor to giving into hooking up early and staying with guys who are assholes.

One of the cruelest things about hookup culture is that it prevails during a time when you’re meeting more people of the opposite sex than you ever will again. (Nod to Susan Patton.) After college, whether you move to a small town or large city, it becomes more difficult to meet new people. In the past I’ve provided suggestions on where to meet the love of your life. You could meet him anywhere – the train station, the beach, at a friend’s home, through your Aunt Millie.

The truth is, a list of venues or possibilities doesn’t really help you much if you haven’t got the right mindset. On the other hand, if you do have the right mindset, the venues don’t matter much.

When my daughter was first learning to play soccer, her coach was working on teaching the kids basic ball skills, and I’ll never forget how he began. He said, “For now, just try to touch the ball with your foot. That’s all. Don’t kick it, don’t pass it, don’t run with it. Just see how many touches you can get during this practice.” At least half the battle was getting the kids comfortable with approaching and touching the ball. Showing up. Once they had that down, they could begin to work on foot skills and various plays.

Finding a life partner is like that. ~~You have to touch a lot of balls.~~ To have one good conversation, you may need to have 100 casual conversations that don’t go anywhere. You need to network for dating the exact same way you might network professionally. Lots of coffee dates, informational “interviews,” making connections with friends of friends and most importantly, letting everyone know you’re looking.

Women are often reticent about letting people know they’d like a relationship. It seems pathetic to say “Waaaah, waaaah, I want a boyfriend.” That is pathetic, so that’s not what you’ll say. As you get to know people, they’ll ask if you have a boyfriend (they always do). You’ll say, “No, but now that I’ve settled into my life here, I’d love to meet someone.” Keep it positive and others will begin thinking of you as someone they can introduce around when the opportunity arises. You only appear desperate and pathetic if you act that way. By the way, don’t aggressively ask every woman you get friendly with, “Hey, know any cute single guys you can set me up with?” Make it clear you’re open to meeting new people, and then focus on being a quality friend. If and when there’s a potential match, they’ll think of it on their own.

Here are the four most common ways people meet their spouses after college, along with some suggestions on how to get things moving:

Work

Office romances frequently end in marriage. Approximately 20% of married couples meet at work. Forty percent of people say they have dated a coworker at least once, and of those relationships, 30% end in marriage.

Use common sense. Don’t shag the boss.

Don’t overlook the possibility of networking in the office for social opportunities. One young woman I know met her boyfriend when one of the firm’s partners invited her to lunch with his son.

The woman in the cube next to you may have a cute brother, or a boyfriend who knows some good guys.

Online Dating

It accounts for about 20% of American marriages, so ignore it at your peril. Yes, online dating is time consuming, and there’s no built in quality control. Start by presenting yourself as a woman who is looking to give or share, not take. Women often appear mercenary, bratty and entitled in online profiles. By taking the opposite approach, you’ll stand out from the crowd.

The key to managing online dating is filtering. Filter out any guy who checks the “short-term” box, even if he also checks the long-term relationship box. You want to focus on guys who are up front about not looking for casual. Filter in any guy who seems interesting or funny, regardless of how lame or goofy or meh his picture looks. Any guy who makes you laugh deserves a coffee date.

Friends and Family

This is huge. As I mentioned above, let people know you’re available for a relationship. I know of at least two couples where, once the woman did this, a guy she knew and found attractive stepped forward and said, “How about me?” You have no idea what possibilities are out there!

Accept all invitations. BBQs, your cousin’s graduation party, your 5th high school reunion at the bowling alley. The lame party your friend is throwing may have one interesting new guy there.

Go on blind dates. Yes, you’ll meet some duds, but once you let people know you’re looking, it’s only polite to gracefully accept any potential date they line up for you. I know one young woman who went out with a guy who works for the husband of a coworker. She was very disappointed, but did not let it show. She was gracious, and a couple of months later, the same colleague set her up again, this time with someone she found very attractive.

Host gatherings. Invite friends to bring friends. Do it not just for yourself, but for other singles you know. They’ll reciprocate, and that gets the ball rolling.

Random Encounters

The odds of meeting your future husband in line at Starbucks or in a crosswalk may be slim, but this is the fourth most common way people meet their spouses. You don’t need to be on the prowl every time you drop off your dry cleaning. By assuming a friendly demeanor, exchanging pleasantries and making eye contact with people, you create a connection. Sometimes you wind up getting to know a fellow regular somewhere.

Don’t just focus on guys. Practice random acts of kindness in general – you’ll be surprised how good that feels regardless of the romantic prospect.

You’re in your 20s, it’s time to focus on the traits that make a good dad. Keep an open mind. Be kind.

In closing, I’ll share a list of where 20-something women I know met their serious boyfriends. It’s strictly anecdotal, but perhaps also fairly typical:

College: 1

Gym: 1

BFF’s brother: 1

Work: 3

Friends of friends: 5

Online dating: 2

Introduced by rabbi: 1

Blind date via coworkers: 1

For these 15 relationships, all of which may lead to marriage (3 are engaged), there were undoubtedly hundreds of false starts, dates with no chemistry, and disappointed hopes.

You can’t just sit home in your room, you’ve got to work it.

If you’ve got a good story about how you met your boyfriend or girlfriend, share it in the comments, we’d love to hear it!