Hope at Home

CHILDREN OF THE RESURRECTION

2012-03-05T16:54:00.000-05:00

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From Susan Hillis:

My Heart Breaks, too

These 3 words -- Children of the Resurrection -- seemed to jump off the page this morning, as though I had never before seen them hiding there in Luke 20. If the truth be known, at time it feels more like they are 'children of the crucifixion' than 'children of the resurrection' -- yet that former term never once appears in the Scriptures.

My witty husband has often quipped, "the Sadducees were Sad-you-see, because they didn't believe in the resurrection." But how often do I have to fight my tendency to focus more on the suffering of the dying Savior on the cross,or the suffering in myself and those I hold most dear, than in the glorious redemption of an empty cross and an empty tomb?

Here is a cross our son Alex built in the vacant lot next door so that he would be uplifted when he walks the dog over there and prays.

"Mom, I am praying God will make me like David."
Me, "Thats an amazing thing to pray...in what way do you want to be like David?"
Alex, "I want to stand before giant problems in life unafraid, because I know what God can do with my small pebbles and slingshot."

I have been facing this over the past several weeks, as several of the teen agers in and close to our family have faced broken hearts. Although I am usually pretty happy, I have found myself often just sitting and crying. Literally. The situation became quite acute this week when one of our kids had to face a crisis on the very afternoon that he needed to study a lot for a huge midterm. Unable to study, he felt doomed to fail, because a heart that throbs makes it difficult for the brain to function! I empathized, but I cannot help him if I am believing the same lie he is -- that our suffering dooms us to live as failures.

Help is on the Way

All I knew to do was to pray and to speak truth, "I know the Lord is bigger than our problems, and that He is able to help you to do well on this midterm tomorrow. You must trust Him to help you do the work you need to do tonight."

After about 30 minutes of fruitless struggle, I hear my child say these words, "I feel like my normal self, mom; it doesn't make sense. I have such a sense of peace. I am studying fine! How do you think it happened?"

I reply, "This is how Jesus is to us; he helps us in ways that are way beyond what makes sense." (And I think of one of my favorite verses....Ephesians 3:30 - Jesus can do "exceedingly abundantly above and beyond all we can ask or imagine" - and He did!)

"He can do it that fast?"

"Yes, He can do it that fast!"

And the end of the story is that the feared test was passed with flying colors - a solid B!!!

Children of the Resurrection

Lord, we thank you that we, together with our children, are what you say we are....children of the resurrection. Lord, help us to see them and ourselves with Your eyes. We look forward to that day when "all ecstasies and intimacies will be with God." (Lk 20:36, MSG) As my friend, Kay Warren says in her new soon to be released book, Choose Joy, we want to practice living that way now!! Take a moment to listen to Kay speak of the Joy that Jesus had, a joy that far surpassed the heartbreak, by clicking here.

What does Children of the Resurrection mean for You?

Simply speaking, it means that Jesus' expectation for you and me and our families is hope and life. He said so. "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever (this includes you and me and our children) believes in Me will live, even though he dies." It's like what Louie Giglio said in the opening message at Passion 2012 on Jesus raising to life the son of the widow of Nain..."both the crucifixion and the resurrection are critically important but if I had to choose which of the 2 is most important I would say the resurrection."

Recently I searched the gospels for every time Jesus tells the disciples he will be crucified, trying to find even once when He stopped there. I failed. Every one of His 12 mentions of His crucifixion--one for every disciple!-- includes the certainty of what's next "AND (not perhaps) the third day He will be raised."

Let's trust the Lord to raise up His image in us and in these 'children of the resurrection' whom He has entrusted to our care!!
Always raised,
Susan

I'M A FAN...

2012-03-02T09:58:00.000-05:00

This is a tough one for sure. We all want good behavior, and rightly so. Good behavior makes a difference! I'm a "like" button fan for sure.

In the Templeton household we've had our share of good behavior--we have seven wonderful children and we are proud of them--
and our share of bad behavior..... (I know you are right now thinking, "do tell!" but for the sake of privacy and honor it will just have to suffice for me to tell you that when I say bad, I really do mean bad.)
You know how when you are tired or stressed you tend to be reduced to your least attractive character traits or weaknesses--

what I call the lowest common denominator?

Or is it just me....

Well, over the years I have sometimes been reminded that when your least attractive character traits were formed in the setting of a Russian orphanage, not to mention in the places of lack, neglect and fear that come from relinquishment, then you are talking about a seriously low common denominator! I wasn't prepared for it when we adopted. Were you?

That is all to say that I definitely want to go on record that this parent prefers good behavior every time.

As a lover of the Good News of God's Grace, and as a recipient of this Unmerited Favor, I have thought a lot and often about this question:

what does the Gospel of Grace look like in those 'rubber meets the road' moments in your home and mine?

I wonder what it looks like to Parent in Grace rather than parent by the law.

I wonder what will happen if I choose Relationship over Rules.

What does it look like?

It seems simpler to just go after good behavior--be nice, be polite, obey, date nice Christian people, don't get into big trouble....

Grace seems scary.
I am embarrassed to confess that as a parent I have an ongoing illicit attraction to the Law. Surely if I create more rules, or enforce the rules more strictly, surely that will produce the godly children I have given my life to raise.
Surely a little guilt here and a smattering of shame there, accompanied by some good old fashioned fear, would produce the godly results I desire.
Surely?
Not.

Grace seems scary.
But surely the kind of people who really live the life I desire for my children are the ones who really Get Grace.
The ones who obey the best are the ones who see it-- that their relationship with God is not about what they do or don't do. That the power to live a sanctified life is based on Christ's obedience, not their own.
Surely.

Grace is Power.
Grace is Relationship.
Grace is Motivation.
Grace is Freedom.
Grace is Real.
Grace is Jesus.

Oh yes, I am definitely a big fan of good behavior.

But I am a bigger fan of my unbroken, heart-softened, fully-connected Relationship with my child.

For a wonderful picture of Parenting in Grace, where Relationship trumps Rules, read Susan Hillis' post, "WHAT IF?"

WHAT IF?

2012-02-28T08:28:00.000-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

One of my favorite parts of today was the collect call I received at 7:30 this morning from the Clayton County Jail. It was my daughter, who calls me almost daily. She had an amazing testimony to share with me, but wait, I am getting ahead of myself! Let me give you some background....

My Hefty List

As a mom of 10 kids there were many 'what if's' that I considered from time to time when they were young, in moments of anxiety. What if one of my children grows up to make those kinds of choices that land someone in jail; what if one of them makes the kind of choices that lead to a serious infectious disease like hepatitis C, or what if one of them makes the choices that lead to a teen pregnancy? My 'what if's' formed a pretty hefty list. (There were many other 'what if's that never occurred to me in my wildest imagination, which I have indeed faced, but that will be the story for another post). My insightful husband would comment from time to time, when I allowed words to grant expression to my worries, "Sweetie, I would much rather have a prodigal than an older brother." While given those two options, I agreed, however, my real preference was simply that we raise 10 disciples.

I Focused My Energies on Loving Her

Well, one of my 'what if's' did in fact come to pass. And I, ever bent or Rescue and Hope and Restoration, have stood in awe to see the gracious Hand of God reaching out and touching my dear sweet young adult child as she walks into danger! This daughter (who had RAD characteristics growing up) has lived in various Atlanta hotels and been in and out of jail five times over the past two years. She is in again right now, this time for violating probation. Deeply hurt before we adopted her at age 10, the combination of counseling, all the love we could give, faith, and careful attention to school environment, just were not enough to bring her into full healing and wholeness. But they were enough to connect us so deeply that she knows, even now, that we continue to be her family. In fact we were just planning last night which of us will go visit her at the jail this week. The Lord was also so tender, to connect her deeply to Himself during her 8 years in our home before she decided she was in love with a homeless young man in downtown Atlanta and would be living with him. When every attempt of mine to push her away from him ended up pushing her away from me instead, I determined to place my energies and focus rather on loving her, keeping the relationship, praying for her, and encouraging her to walk into the future God has for her.

So, from the Jail, we have these wild conversations several times a week. Right after she went in this time, we sent her a Bible through Barnes and Noble (jails have a nice system for allowing this!), and she was delighted. Soon I was hearing stories like this: "Mommy, I have lots of people reading my Bible; I read it an hour at 4 in the morning when they get us up for breakfast and I read it an hour after lunch. Hey mommy, can you send my friend T.... a Bible just like mine so that we can study it together? Her prison number is xxxxxxx." (And in the background of my mind I almost chuckle as I am hearing John Valjean from Les Miserable belting out the famous measures from "Who am I?.....Two-four-six-0-one.") And I wonder, what kind of hearts may be hiding inside those bodes down at that jail.....

The Voice in the Vent

So here is my story from my talk with my daughter this morning:

"Mommy, I am thinking of leaving my boyfriend when I get out of jail."

Surprised, I say, "Oh, sweetie, I think that would really help you walk towards putting God first in your life, and using the talents He has given you. You have such an amazing gift of mercy and service. What has caused you to think of leaving your boyfriend?"

She replies, "Mommy, I have met a boy here through the vent (this is how guys and girls talk to each other - through the heating vents!) He is a strong believer and he reads his Bible every day like I do and we are talking about what we are reading. I told him my mommy and daddy want me to like a different boy who is following God and who doesn't live in a hotel and who has a job and who will take care of me. Well, mommy, he said, 'I think your mama is right and I agree with her. When you get out I think you should decide now that you are not going to go back with him.'" Inside, I thank the Lord for putting this wonderful voice speaking truth, into her life.

I then tell her about the Andy Stanley talk I listened to yesterday on how much Jesus cares that we use our talents - that it doesn't really matter to Him whether we feel like we have a lot of talents or a few; it only matters that we use the ones He has given us. And I read her Matthew 25, the Parable of the Talents. After I finished, I mentioned I expected some hard meetings at work and asked her to pray for me before we said goodbye. Her prayer went something like this, "Lord Jesus, thank you for mommy and thank you that You are going to help give her wisdom today in her mind and in her words. I pray she will feel You helping her with her meetings and she will be able to have peace. Thank you for the food you give us and for how much we have, when so many people have so little. Amen."

And do you know what? The Lord did for me today just what she asked of Him. I seem to have lost my fear of the 'what if's.'

PARENTING THE ADOPTED CHILD DIFFERENTLY?

2012-02-24T06:02:00.001-05:00

Parenting Differently
In the adoption community we talk a lot about the need to parent the adopted or foster child differently. Over the 12 years since our first adoption I have honestly gone back and forth over this question. With three children by birth and four by adoption Stephen and I have certainly had the opportunity to think this through in real life experience. Today I'd like to share with you why I have come to the conclusion that actually there is no difference between parenting the adopted and biological child. So, let me explain!

I say there is no difference in parenting our children because it is clear to me that each and every child-- adopted, foster, or biological-- needs to be parented differently. If all we had was conventional wisdom to fall back on, then this question of treating our adopted child differently would be appropriate; however, we have more than just wisdom. As believers in the Living God who gives us the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation (Ephesians 1:17), you and I have the incredible freedom and power to live our lives as parents according to the Spirit. We make parenting decisions based on what God is saying by revelation. So, when we parent in the Spirit, that is by revelation, the issue is not do we parent a child differently because she is adopted, but rather we parent each child differently because we can! What freedom! What privilege! What hope!

Stagnant Parenting
The word revelation may seem too spiritual to be practical for some parents. It really is not anything more than God disclosing something to us, especially something that was not previously known or realized. Our God is all about revelation for He is a self-revealing God! Remember what Jesus says to us, "The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me." (John 10:27) It is normal for us to hear God speak to us, and not something reserved for those parents who are "really spiritual." As Susan pointed out in her last post, "I am coming to think of revelation as present fresh truth brought to light, to extend the wisdom of past foundational truth." That is, conventional wisdom will bring some benefit, but without revelation we become stagnant in our parenting, relying on wisdom and revelation from past situations. What works for one child very well may not be the effective approach we are needing for another. Revelation in our parenting, that is simply hearing what God is saying now, or what Dutch Sheets describes as "a current strategy for a current situation," results in Powerful Parenting.

Powerful Parenting
Don't confuse control with power! Our efforts to control our children inevitably end in frustration and often anger and disappointment on both sides. (I make this statement from experience, having given control a good try!) However, when we respond to that nudge from the Holy Spirit even when it seems counter-intuitive, we see the power of God effective in our efforts to train up our children. Stephen and I have found that many times as we've sought God's "parenting advice" about a particular child for a particular situation that His approach does not always match up with our conventional Christian Parenting Wisdom. It is our experience, especially as we've loved our children through their teen years, that it is not possible for us to parent in power without revelation from God.

Let me share a few examples of parenting differently, or what we call parenting in the spirit.

The Runaways
When our precious daughter Rachel was quite young she became fed-up with the way things were going in the Templeton household. None of us remember what the issue was actually, but whatever it was Rachel was "out of here!" She took those chubby little legs of hers right up the stairs, packed her little suitcase

and marched out the door. It must have been a weekend because Stephen was home-- I went into mommy-mode, heedless of any 'parenting in revelation' stuff! "Stephen, go get her! She is actually walking down the driveway-- Go!" His response to me was absolutely not according the my very good wisdom, which was and remains, never let a little girl wander down the street by herself. Stephen caught something by revelation for that current situation. He felt that we needed to let Rachel go ahead and feel some of the consequences of leaving her family and her home. Of course, he did not let her out of his sight, but as far as she knew, she was indeed on her own. She tramped up the side walk and Stephen backed out the car, slowly following her. Needless to say, the effort of lugging that suitcase up the street helped our sweet girl to realize that maybe she would stick with us a little longer after all. And sure enough, there was her daddy, who'd been there all along, ready to put her in the car and reunite her with her problem parents.

Some years later we had a replay of this scenario with our precious son Pasha. I told this story in previous post, but I'd like to share it again because it illustrates this point of parenting by revelation, not merely by past wisdom. As you will see, what was effective for Rachel was not what was going to effective for Pasha. How tempting it is to take something that was powerful and clearly from God and assume it is therefore going to remain powerful for all other situations.
So, not long after bringing our first two Russian children home, we were enjoying a typical day in our "new normal" of post adoption when Pasha asked if he could watch a movie. This request was common-- really common! When I answered "No, not now my son," (my "really common" response!) our son was devastated. We had begun to see that disappointment was a trigger for this child and that his response to it was often extreme, far out of context for the normal disappointment that every child feels when he doesn't get his way. This time he declared in his broken English that he was not going to live here anymore. He preferred the orphanage and was leaving, never to return. I am still full of thanks to the Holy Spirit for the whisper of His voice at that moment. "My son, mommies don't leave their children, so if you are going to run away, I will have to run away with you." He looked up at me in anger and stormed out the door. Following him, both of us barefoot in the heat of the Atlanta summer, I said, "I wonder where we will sleep tonight?" "On the side of the road," was his response. "Wow, that will be uncomfortable, but mommies always stay with their children." (Just like the "Runaway Bunny," this mama was going where her son went!) Our conversation continued like this about a quarter of a mile. And then, our precious son said, "Let's go home," all of his anger and pain drained.

I tell you this because it is clear to me that God's answer to this typical but serious issue was one that brought life, healing, hope. This was His answer for this particular situation. It was specific for this child and that need, and was accessed by revelation.

I know this is getting rather long, but I'll share one more short example from more recent times. Just a few months ago Stephen and I were praying about a situation with one of our sons and we felt the Lord direct us to "parent him like a man." I won't go into the details, but that revelation from Him helped us make some decisions with clarity. That same week Susan Hillis shared with me that the Lord had just told her that she must parent her daughter as if she were three years old.

The Joy of Hearing
The Lord led us to handle the two run-away scenarios in distinctly different ways, but not because Rachel was born into our family and Pasha was adopted in. We parented differently because we have the amazing joy of hearing our Shepherd's voice and responding to the very One who created our children and who knows them best. Susan could deal with her daughter in the way that was most effective and life-giving, while I could approach my son from a completely different angle according to what would bring forth the eternal fruit of righteousness in him.

I will end this post by encouraging you again-- hearing the voice of God for our children, adopted and biological, is the norm for us as children of God. It is not something super-spiritual or mysterious. What wonderful plans God has for our children-- and as His sheep we can be confident that we do hear His voice.

WHO IS YOUR BUILDER?

2012-02-20T17:58:00.001-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

Redemption in the Storm

I remember it as though it was yesterday. Walking through the High Museum of Art in Atlanta and standing as though transfixed before a Russian masterpiece on special exhibit, Aivazoksy's 'The Wave.' In the larger-than-life storm I saw what our life had become after losing our son in the accident; in the lifeboats flanking the sinking ship, I saw symbolized the Hand of God, rescuing us from the sinking ship of grief. Though I stood in an exhibit hall full of people, it was as though I stood alone before this painting, sure that the redemption in those lifeboats was soon to be multiplied.

You see, it was just before we were leaving to adopt our first two children Anya and Alex, from their Russian orphanage. In those lifeboats I saw and still see, the Lord's rescue for us, and His grace in extending that very rescue to many others. I longed to be an instrument of God's redeeming hope for them, the same way He had been redeeming hope for us.

And I imagine many of us have felt this same deep gratitude. The Lord pours out His goodness and love and kindness on us like no one else could, and we want nothing more than to pass it along to others.

I Wanted to Build the House During the early years of our adoption journey, I, like many of you, became an avid student of loving and healing kids from hard places. I wanted to read all I could, learn all I could from the Lord and psychology and child development and educational theory and those who had gone before. We longed, out of gratitude for all the Lord had done for us in restoring my joy and healing my broken heart after the death of our son, to be allowed by Him to pass on that same healing to our precious new children, building them a safe and secure and restorative home. I was so sincere and conscientious and intent and driven. As our family grew from Cristi and Trevor and Anya and Alex, to include Katya and Sasha and Vasya and Ksusha and Masha and Lana, I continued to pour into these treasures all of the love and wisdom and bonding and encouragement and grace and security I could. We learned and told and retold their stories. We made their adoption books and life albums. I learned Russian and took various ones back to Russia to find their Russian relatives and keep their connections. In fact just 2 weeks ago I was in Russia and able to have tea with their Aunt Raisa and cousin Sasha, and give them their own copy of a beautiful Life album Katya had made, to pass on to her Russian mama.

We prayed their friends into families. Many friends. Many families. We needed and benefitted from all the wisdom we received. Many of you have experienced the same.

God Had a Different Plan
With time I realized all that wisdom was critically necessary, but something more was needed in order for my children to receive the most complete Love available. I needed revelation from the Lord to extend the wisdom. In many quandries, when all the wisdom still leaves me stuck in a labyrinth of confusion, there are so many times the Lord has given us special insight or clarity about how to respond or how to love or how to pray. I am coming to think of revelation as present fresh truth brought to light, to extend the wisdom of past foundational truth. And I love the first thing Paul prays for the Ephesians in chapter 1, "that the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ would give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him." I now think of there being a bridge to healing for each of us and each of our children, and that the first half is composed of wisdom given by God -- but it is only half. And to get all the way across the bridge into healing and wholeness we need the other half of the bridge -- the Lord's revelation.

And today I read these words from I Chronicles 17, that ring in my heart with comfort and relief and expectation. It is the revelation the Lord gave to David when he showed him, "It is not you who will build me a house ....[instead], I declare to you that the Lord will build you a house."

Who is Building Your House?
So my dear precious friends, I long for you to be spared of stress and anxiety that I felt from time to time, as you seek to love and learn and grow in all these foundations of wisdom. Yes, we benefit and our families benefit from learning all the wisdom we can (Proverbs 3)! Yet, they benefit most if that wisdom is accompanied with the revelation that rests on the confidence that "unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." (Psalm 127:1) I pray you are encouraged and your burdens lifted by the reminder that it is the Lord who will build a house.

I am coming to have a clear view of my job: my job is to love them, keep the relationship, speak to them of God's treasure in them, and pray for them. It is God's job to build our house. It is God's job to build yours! I am excited to see how they all will turn out!

REFLECTIONS ON ATTACHMENT

2012-02-16T06:22:00.001-05:00

You may remember Renee Johnson from Hope at Home 2011. We are excited for you to read what she shares from her personal experience in loving her three adopted daughters. In addition to being a mom, Renee holds degrees in Physical Therapy and Public Health. She balances her home life with her responsibilities as a Senior Scientist for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

All or None?

Thirteen years ago as I prepared for the adoption of my first daughter I, like many other parents, embarked upon reading every piece of “helpful” guidance that I could find. The plethora of advice and opinions available related to attachment and/or bonding really heightened my awareness of the great importance of this issue. It seemed like every author had both their must do and their must don’t do lists: the problem was they weren’t in agreement. By the time I headed off to bring home my sweet baby (actually a 6 year old), the possibilities of attachment failure and the potential long-term consequences of not achieving an adequate attachment weighed heavy on my mind. I had bought into the idea that attachment was an all or none adventure and that the possibility of messing it up was high.

I’m glad to report that my perspective and understanding of attachment has substantially changed over the years. I have come to discover that attachment is far from an all or none endeavor. Below is a peek into the journey of my changing thoughts.

Measuring Attachment
In the all or none model, frustration is inevitable. After we returned home many well meaning people would ask me about “how the bonding was going” or if “my sweet baby was attached to me yet”? This question evoked feelings of failure in me, because of course she wasn’t fully attached at 2 weeks or one month or 3 months or even 1 year or 3 years. About 6 months into parenting, it became clear that I was using the wrong measuring tool and if I didn’t find a new one then I’d both miss our progress and feel ongoing failure. A cook doesn’t expect to make a delicious cheesecake while measure vanilla by the quart, nor does the auto mechanic measure engine oil by the teaspoon if he wants his garage to run efficiently. Similarly, as a parent, I needed to define for myself some more appropriate units of measure for this topic of attachment.

Physical, Emotional, Spiritual

Upon observation, I could initially see that there were three specific dimensions which were important for me to focus on. They were physical, emotional and spiritual. I began to think about our attachment progress in the format of three bar graphs. This allowed for encouragement based on progress along any of the three dimensions. All of the sudden I could see that specific activities were increasing our attachment in each of the dimensions. Achieving eye contact while playing a game at the table became a attachment success. I could see attachment growth and was no longer focused only on the tipping of the scale to being “attached”. This three dimension model seemed to work well for a couple of years.

With the addition of my second daughter, I could see that there were some additional dimensions that were significantly impacting our overall attachment. Good food, particularly meat, was incredibly important for her and seemed to somehow be a dimension of its own. Not only food, but everything sensory seemed to come into play. Again after my third daughter came home I could see even more areas that I could focus on to facilitate attachment success. The visual bar graph in my mind was becoming complex and not as helpful.

Rejoicing in Progress

At some point along the way I had a discussion with some of our Russian friends that shared a model which looked like a spider web or radar graph. In this type of graphic, zero is in the center and 100% is at the end of the spoke. As success is found along each of the spokes the center is pulled out and I can see a visual representation of the window to my children’s hearts opening. In reality, the exact point of our attachment along each of the individual spokes fluctuates as life moves forward. In all of our relationships, level of attachment fluctuates as our circumstance and priorities change. Also, it was my experience that each of the spokes of attachment was different for each of my children and seemed to fluctuate over time.

How refreshing it is to have moved from an all or none model, in which it seemed nearly impossible to get the scale to tip from unattached to attached, toward a model which is fluid and lets one see progress and regression as a normal function of life. As we and our children move toward progressive levels of attachment in any one area we can rejoice in seeing our progress instead of always waiting to attain some level of perfection before our attachment scale can tip.

YOUR LEGACY: THE NEXT GENERATION

2012-02-13T20:01:00.001-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

Text-ur-Belly

I experienced a brand new, ‘first time in my life’ twice during the past month: I received text messages that looked like this:

Now, what was totally new is that it was not the normal thing when I had my kids to send pictures around of my pregnant belly! These pictures happened to be from the two of my precious six daughters who are currently pregnant!!!

The Reason you Adopted Me

During this same month, I had gone out to lunch at Waffle House with Alex, one of our four awesome sons (we do this pretty regularly and share what the Lord is teaching us, how we are doing, and what we need prayer for). So while we are sitting there talking, he asks me this question, totally out of the blue, “Mom, do you ever think that maybe the reason God had you adopt all of us is because of how it will change the next generation….I mean, because of how our children will have a totally different life all because you adopted us?”

“Alex that is an amazing and wonderful question,” I reply, “and the answer is YES, I have thought about that A LOT! In Isaiah 58 and 61 the Scriptures actually say that God will change and bless the next generation when we obey him by caring for those who need His care. But I am wondering…can you tell me what you think?”

He continues, “Mom, I’ve been reading that Revolution book you gave me, you know, the one that goes with the movie Courageous. It has helped me see that I think my kids will have a totally different life than they would have had if I had stayed in Russia at the orphanage. You and daddy have taught me important things like honor, and respect, and responsibility, and integrity, and wisdom. If you had not adopted me I would not know anything about all that. But mom, I am worried about whether all of the kids in our family are really taking advantage of what you and daddy have taught us. Do you think all my siblings are?”

At this point, I have a lump in my throat I reply, “Sweetie, I am SO proud of you and of the other kids in the family who RIGHT NOW are walking fully in the Lord’s blessing and who have so totally taken advantage of all daddy and I have poured into you. I think these sweet words you just said are ones I will remember when I am on my death bed, and I will think that they are some of the most wonderful words anyone ever said to me in my whole life!! (my eyes are wet) We both know that the kids in our family are in different places with this question….some are taking full advantage, like you, others are partly taking advantage. There are also some kids in the family who do not seem to realize or to have much interest in what daddy and I have tried to pour into them, or who do not seem to want to learn it yet, but I trust that with time the Lord will help them, too; the Scriptures promise in Philippians 1:6 that the Lord will finish the good work He begins in all of us.”

The Next Generation

Many of you who are reading this, like me, are called to love children who need families. We are familiar with and fond of passages in Isaiah 58 and 61 which speak of the blessings that come to those who love the least of these. Isaiah 58:11-12 promises that “if you pour yourself out” for the least of these, the Lord will “guide you continually, satisfy your desire in scorched places, make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.” But then it goes on to say just what Alex was realizing: “and you shall raise up the foundations of many generations.” I can just hear it, the wonderful hymn playing as we build our families, raising strong foundations, “on Christ the solid rock we stand; all other ground is sinking sand!”

Jesus chose for his very first sermon the passage from Isaiah 61 that is similar! “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted. (v1)” As Jesus does this with us and then empowers and equips us to do this with our children, they have “the oil of gladness instead of mourning. (v3)” Then they are the ones God calls and equips to join in, as they, along with us, become “the repairers of devastations of many generations!(v4)."

Just yesterday we went to lunch again and Alex said, “Mom, I’ve been thinking about my long term goals. I want to keep growing as a believer, and I want to finish college, get married, and become a missionary who helps orphans. I want to help other kids the way you and dad gave to me.” It is that has already happened with our oldest daughter Cristi, who works full time with an adoption and orphan care ministry. It is what our sweet daughter Anya longs for as she says, “Mommy, I want to adopt 4 kids with HIV.” It is what has happened with our sweet daughter Katya who has been knitting beautiful blankets and sending them to orphans in South Africa for 4 years. And I trust some of the other treasures entrusted to our care may be nudged along this path as well.

His Image

We easily acknowledge that all children are created in God’s image. In the past, we have loved and adopted many who have come from hard places, from difficult and sometimes even tragic circumstances of conception, birth, and childhood. We have seen in the past and see at present, all of these treasures of ours as equally bearing the indelible image of Christ. But I wasn’t prepared to think about this for the future – for my children as they begin to have children. You see, the 2 texted belly pictures above are 2 precious babies who will be born soon, one to our teenage daughter who is in high school, not yet married, and growing in faith; and the other to our twenty-seven-year old daughter who is in graduate school, married, and growing in faith. And I have become so very thankful and excited about God’s grace that is greater, always greater. And for the Song I often sing, “Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me (or them!). On and on and on it goes. And it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. And I never ever have to be afraid. One thing remains….one thing….remains….HIS LOVE.” And I have become expectant with hope for “all the good” (I dare you to google that phrase ‘all the good!’ in the Bible-on-line!) that the Lord will do with and for both of these new little lives being woven together in their mother’s wombs by God for His glory.

PUZZLED

2012-02-10T06:50:00.001-05:00

If you have been reading this blog for long you know we talk about Identity a lot at Hope at Home, which you can read about here, and here. Stephen and I have had front and center seats (the kind so close to the stage that you can see the make up and hear the breath of exertion from the players) for the drama and action of what most recognize as the primary task of adolescence-- the grappling with the question of "Who Am I?" The issue of identity is one we all face, but one that our adopted children must face with added complicating factors. Even those adopted at birth with no conscious memory of their birth parents contend with confusing realities once they enter their teens.

The Border Pieces

As your child grows, whether he is adopted or not, it is as if he is trying to piece together a complex puzzle. As we all figure out early on in working a puzzle, you first separate out the border pieces, right? It seems to me that for our birth children the rummaging for and connecting of the flat-edged border pieces was an easy task. Their puzzle borders seem to be solidly in place without much searching and confusion. No struggles with missing pieces impossibly hidden amongst the mass of shapes, or irretrievably lost in the dark corners of the basement game closet.

Missing and Misshapen Pieces
Borders denote definition and, therefore, identity. The borders of a country, for instance, identify it on a map. Without the definition provided by the border pieces, the process of putting together a complicated puzzle becomes all the more confusing and frustrating. With our adopted children, their relinquishment and the resulting pain, is like trying to work a puzzle without the border pieces, or at least without whole sections, and with hard to find pieces, or misshapen fragments. In 1 Peter 5:10 we see that God's plan is for our children to live complete and whole, border pieces fitted together and the puzzle finished:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you."

The Message says it like this; "[God] will have you put together and on your feet for good."

Puzzle Pieces in Our Hands

Isn't that what we are helping our children to do? To partner with the Holy Spirit in "putting together" the pieces of the puzzle? As we get revelation of who our child is from the very One who created them, it's as if we have a puzzle piece in our hand, a flat-edged border piece that was lost or destroyed along the way by rejection, fear, anger, pain, abuse...... We parents are methodically offering these border pieces to our child as they go through the process of figuring out who they are. We have the awesome opportunity to place these pieces back into the pile of puzzle pieces on the table and watch our child pick it up, examine it, and recognize it as a defining part of who they are.

Box Top Parents

Just as we look at the box top of our puzzle that we have propped up on the table for easy reference, so do our children look up at us as they work their complicated jigsaw puzzle. Along the way they fit in pieces with that sense of satisfaction we all get when we find the next bit of the puzzle. They are looking to us to find out who they are, how they fit in, how to relate, how to give and receive love. You and I are like that box top picture for our children as they discover their identity, scrutinizing the picture and piecing together their puzzle.

Father God, it is so good to know that You are completing our children, making them what they ought to be, "putting them together and on their feet for good." We so desire to partner with You in this God. Would You give us revelation of who our children are, defining border pieces of their identity. And we trust You to use us so that when our children look to us they will see what is helpful as they put together the puzzle before them. What greater joy is there than being a part of such a project?!

"AS IF"

2012-02-06T06:31:00.008-05:00

At the Created for Care Retreat I participated in an Adoptive Mother Panel. Sitting there with those beautiful mamas was such a joy! I loved hearing their responses to the questions from the other moms. What a great way to learn! One of the things that came up in responding to the question of bonding with your child in those early months of adoption was how to deal with their rejection of you as their mother. Andrea Young, a wise mama and the visionary for Created for Care, shared how often she would rock her son in her arms at night just to have him smack, scratch, and generally push her away. Such a hard experience for a mother. Andrea shared that she realized she needed to just keep holding him, keep touching him gently, nightly treating him as if he wanted to be held and snuggled.

As If
Over time her son learned to receive and enjoy this nightly routine, and even learned to be tender back, gently stroking his mother's cheek rather than hitting, pushing, or scratching.
As Andrea shared this story, encouraging the moms to keep at it, to do what mommy's do regardless of how their new child reacts, I realized she was speaking an important truth- the truth of "As If."

What he Needs vs. What he Wants
Scott Means, who is part of our Hope at Home team and the writer of the Journey to Surrender marriage blog, writes about the need to love your spouse "as if." He says, "It means we do our best to love them “as if” they are closer to the person that we know they really are on the inside, despite what we might observe on the outside. It means having grace at the center of the way we view and interact with our spouses." I think we can take this principle and apply it to our children. Andrea knew that her son needed to be snuggled and loved, but she was dealing with the current reality that because her son was unaccustomed to this normal physical expression of a mother's love, he did not want what she knew he needed. What a wise mother she was to treat him as if he wanted it. In doing so, she gently led him to be the person she knew he would be-- one who freely gives and receives love.

Designed for his Benefit
For some this may seem difficult. Is it right to pretend like this? It hurts when your child hits you, and hurts even more deeply when he or she rejects your love day after day. If you are like me, your initial response may be to pull back, to protect yourself emotionally by withholding love and intimacy. Many adoptive parents deal with the very difficult and uncomfortable reality that not only does their child not seem to want to bond with their new mother and father, but they themselves struggle with bonding and having feelings of love with their child. I love what Gary Chapman says in his book The Five Love Languages.

“Perhaps it would be helpful to distinguish love as a feeling and love as an action. If you claim to have feelings you don’t have, that is hypocritical and such false communication is not the way to build intimate relationships. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bonding. You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit.”

Sometimes parenting the adopted or foster child involves loving them as if those tender feelings we desire are the reality. It is sometimes simply a choice to do or say something purely for the benefit of your child--in full expectation that the day will come when the reality will change.

Father God, we look to you for the strength and the desire to love our children "as if." Would you place in our hearts actions and words designed purely for their benefit. Even this week, Lord, we ask you for a breakthrough with each child. Amen

A WEAPON IN YOUR HAND

2012-02-02T06:16:00.002-05:00

God's Promises for our Children
If you read the previous post, NOT ONE, you know that sometimes God gives us parents promises for our children. Sometimes we hear them as direct words from Him. Sometimes they are simply desires deep in our hearts. Or often there will be a scripture we feel God has given us for our child's life and future. However these words and promises come, they are more than just nice thoughts and touching stories. I believe these words are actually given to us to put to use in our parenting, and especially in our intercession for our children.

When we were in the process of our second adoption Stephen and I were asking God for a scripture for our sons. We wanted to catch a little of what the Lord was up to since we were bringing home two complete strangers into our family. We figured that God knew some things that would be helpful to us! The scripture we were drawn to was the beginning of Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD   and put their trust in him.

Weapons in Our Hands

As the years have gone by, Holy Spirit has reminded us of this verse. And we have seen it as a promise from God for these boys. That God would place their feet firmly on a solid rock, that they would have a song in their mouths that would cause many people to recognize God's goodness. This scripture wasn't given to us just for our adoption announcement. We have realized that God led us to this scripture so that we would have a vision for what He is doing in our sons' lives. And with that vision, we would partner with Him to see it come to pass. Now that is some exciting work to be a part of!

When things have been tough, we have learned to remember the things the Lord has said to us about our children. We have learned to recognize the scripture and God's words to us as powerful tools in our parenting. Actually, we have come to see them as weapons in our hands.

In 1 Timothy 2:18 Paul exhorts Timothy,

Timothy, my son, I am giving you this command in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by recalling them you may fight the battle well

The Good Fight of Faith

As we pray in faith from God's Word and from His words and promises to us, as we "recall" them, we find that we have weapons to fight in the battle for our children's healing and restoration. 1 Timothy 6:12 tells us that we are fighting a good fight-- we "fight the good fight of faith" by holding on to the promises of God.

What promises have you received from Him for your children? Are there any scriptures you feel God has given to your family or to your individual children? I encourage you to recall them, to write them down, to pray them, to share them with the family, and mostly, believe them as you fight this good fight of faith to see God's eternal purposes manifested in the life of these precious children. AMEN!

It would be a gift to our Hope at Home community if you could share some of the promises and scriptures God has given you. As we read them I think God will use them to build up our faith and maybe also to speak His thoughts to us. Thank you!

"NOT ONE"

2012-01-26T06:17:00.003-05:00

Anticipating the Teen Years

I often find myself telling people, "Anything multiplied 7 times equals-- a lot!" For instance, taking all of our children to a movie is a major financial commitment! Quite a few years ago, when our 7 children were entering their teen years at what felt like a crazy rapid pace from a mother's perspective, I began reading books and listening to experts on raising teens. I was anticipating that the teen years, when multiplied by 7, were quite likely to be an experience of a lifetime-- one which I wanted to be as prepared for as possible. One of the more disturbing things I read in my research was the statistics on the lives of churched kids. I was informed that there is very little difference statistically between kids who grow up in church and those who don't as far as drinking, drug use, and sexual activity-- all activities that I was counting on us avoiding in the Templeton house! With this unfortunate information filling my thoughts, I began to talk to the Lord.

Fears and Facts

I remember one morning telling the Lord, "What are the chances that out of 7 children, they will all walk closely with you? That none of them will get into some of these ungodly activities? Lord, I just do not want to accept that any of my children will become one of these statistics. I am going to have to find faith in you for this God-- it will be a sign and a wonder." As I was talking with Him about my concerns, and grappling with my fears in the face of the facts at hand, I heard two words in my spirit, "Not One" These words dropped with a weight into my heart and my spirit, filling my mind. It was as clear to me as if I had heard it with my ears. And as soon as I "heard" these words I knew a few other things as well. I knew God wanted me to pray into this-- it was more a call to prayer than it was a "done deal." It was a solid promise from Almighty God and He wanted me to partner with Him in it. It's funny how two words can carry so much information and weight, but God is pretty amazing that way.

So, I had a weapon in my hand (1 Timothy 1:18). "Not One" of my children were going to become a statistic! This call to prayer gave me faith to believe that our family could beat the trend, faith to fight the fears of a mother. As excited as I was by this word from God, I didn't have time to tell Stephen about it that night. It sometimes takes us days before we can really sit down to a proper conversation (another reality of having 7 children, except this time division, not multiplication was at work)! I did call Susan Hillis and share this with her since the two of us have prayed for each others' children for years and I thought that the Lord would not mind at all if I included her 11 children in this "Not One" prayer. I figured that if He could do this saving and keeping work for 7, he could surely do it for 11 more! That next night something extraordinary happened.

"Not One, Not One, Not One"
I went to our church to attend a meeting. It was the only meeting in a series on the presence of God that I was able to attend and I figured that going to one was better than none. As I sat in this meeting, the man who was speaking went over to the piano and began to play. Then he began to pray over people, singing and speaking what he felt the Lord was saying. He asked me to stand. At this point I was not at all prepared for what came next. I knew that the Lord was about to bless me and I was excited to be prayed for by this man of God, so up I stood. And then something so precious and powerful happened. Something I will never forget. This man began to sing, "Not One, Not One Not One of your children will fall away from me. They will ALL KNOW MY HEART." Yes. Three times he repeated the very phrase God had spoken to me the day before as I was walking and praying. Three times He had this prophetic man sing those words that I had only spoken to one other person. And then He added that all of my children would know His heart. There is nothing Stephen and I desire more than this for our children. Nothing. We have come to know the heart of God is so kind, so good, so full of love. That they would each know His heart is the bottom line, isn't it? He didn't promise that none of them would struggle, that they would all behave perfectly or that they would never make a bad choice. But He did tell me, in no uncertain terms, that they would not fall away from Him and that they would know His heart.

I cannot tell you how many times I have reminded the Lord of this promise, how many times I have prayed it, or how many times Stephen and I have reminded each other of it. I cannot tell you because there have been seasons when it has been literally my constant daily payer. I believe it. And when the facts don't seem to match up to the promise, I am bold to remind God that He promised it and confirmed it supernaturally.

For You Too
I share this with you today because I believe that this "Not One" call to prayer and promise is for you too. I believe that you have permission in the Lord to receive "Not One" for your children. Let us stand in faithful intercession for our children, believing God to do what only He can do. That not one, not one, not one of our children will fall away from Him; that they would ALL know His heart. Amen

HEARING FROM STEPHEN

2012-01-20T17:30:00.001-05:00

Here is another re-post from earlier in our Hope at Home blog history.

What is my child's identity in Christ?

An Adoptive Father's Perspective-- Stephen Templeton

Who is your child in Christ?

What is your child’s identity in Christ?

Who has God called your child to be?

What is the call of God on your child’s life?

When God looks at your sons and daughters, who does he see?

What potential is there in them?

What has the Lord revealed to you about their hearts, their gifts, their destiny in Christ?

Wow! These are pretty big and heady questions that can be quite intimidating for us dads (and moms). Can I really know the answers to some of these foundational questions about my child? Would God really reveal to me who my child is, how He sees my child, what His plan, destiny and desire is for my child?

The answer, of course, is a resounding YES!

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

The Lord has placed the mantle of “father” and “mother” on each of us parents. When He called us to have children, through adoption or birth, he placed that awesome authority on our lives to guide, inspire, love and instruct our children. One of the foundational aspects of this calling is seeking Him for our child’s identity in Christ and then using this understanding and revelation from the Father to guide our parenting of each individual child.

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

In view of this mantle of authority God has placed on us for our children, it is clear that He is so eager to have our eyes opened and enlightened, to know our children and the hope to which He has called each one. This identity and inheritance is something that the Lord wants to share with us so that we can help our children grasp, understand and renew their minds according to their identity in Him.

How do we know our child’s identity in Christ?-- First and foremost- go to Him, seek Him, spend time in prayer actively asking the Lord to show you how He sees your child. He will be faithful to share His heart for your child with you. If you have Christian friends, a youth pastor, Sunday School teacher, or a pastor that you trust, ask them what they see in your child. Share with them that you are asking the Lord to reveal to you a greater understanding of your child’s identity in Christ. And then ask for their input. Write all these things down, especially any specific words of knowledge, or reliable prophetic words received from trustworthy people. Keep a record of these- they are invaluable and can act as spiritual weapons for you and your child as they grow. But remember, God Himself has given you the spiritual authority to parent your child, so test any input you receive from others according to the scriptures and what the Lord is saying to you.

Go to Him- I can’t wait to hear what He will tell you about each of your children!

Next time we’ll talk about how this knowledge of your child’s identity in Christ helps guide your parenting.

Hearing from Julia

2012-01-17T06:10:00.001-05:00

Here's Julia's wonderful story of adoption, posted earlier in 2011. She is now a freshman in college. Such a blessing to read!

I remember how it felt to be the youngest.... I was 8 years old when my family decided to adopt. I was 8 and my world was about to change. I don’t really remember the moment my parents sat my 2 sisters and me down to tell us that we were going to adopt; I don’t remember what I first thought of the idea, and I don’t remember the process of adoption. What I do remember is my life before hand and my life afterward. I remember how it felt to be the youngest, the baby. I wasn’t spoiled but it was nice to be the baby of the family. I got attention and love. It was just my 2 sisters and my mom and dad-- that was my family. Then all of a sudden my family, my world as I knew it, was significantly altered.

I remember embracing and accepting my new family

Julia with her 2nd grade teacher

I don't think I fully understood what we were doing until my parents showed me a picture of my future brother and sister. I brought it to school and showed my 2^nd grade teacher and class. I was so proud. We ended up not adopting them because their grandmother took them, but that was the first moment I remember embracing and accepting my new family. I remember when my mom went to Russia to visit orphanages. She called us and said that she had found two kids, a brother and a sister, that she thought were the ones. From that moment on all the talk was about Kristina and Pasha.

A life-changing event

After months of paperwork and waiting, which I do not remember at all (I do remember moving from our old house to a bigger house in preparation for our bigger family), we finally prepared a trip for our whole family to take so that we could adopt our future family. I remember the trip so well it was a life-changing event. I was half excited and half nervous. I remember the plane ride there, everything being so foreign and weird to me. I remember when we got there it was like a whole other world. I could barely keep my eyes open because I was so tired, yet I couldn’t close them for fear that I would miss all the different sights and atmosphere.

A shocking place

The outside of the orphanage.

The whole trip consisted of staying at different houses and apartments, and some sight seeing, but the most impactful was the visit to see my new brother and sister. I remember driving up in front of the orphanage, and seeing that it was dirty and falling apart. I remember being a little scared to enter into such a different and shocking place. The director came out and welcomed us and brought us inside. All the kids were running around and looking at us. I could see that they weren’t very well dressed and that they looked different from me, yet they also looked similar to me, after all they were kids just like me.

In the orphanage

Julia embraces her new brother, Pasha. Stickers
were the language of the moment!

We played with the kids for a while, taking Polaroid pictures of them, which they absolutely loved, and gave them gifts that we had brought. Then the director brought us into a room where we were to wait to meet Kristina and Pasha. They served us tea and cookies and brought in our new family. I remember putting Pasha on my lap and playing with him. I remember we had a lot of stickers that we put all over our faces and played with some toys and looked at some books with pictures that told a story. We were a family; we were playing together and communicating in the broken language that we had fashioned together and we were smiling and laughing and getting to know each other.

Little did we know....

Andrei and Sergei reunited in the
orphanage.

When we were in that room, the director also brought in two brothers who had just been reunited in the orphanage. They were so happy to see each other and were hugging and holding each other. She introduced them as Andrei and Sergei. Little did we know at that time that they too would join our family just 18 months later! After our visit to the orphanage we had to go to court to legally adopt. I was too young to actually attend so my sisters and I waited in the car while my mom and dad and Kristina and Pasha went in. I remember sitting there playing on a game boy and talking to my sisters and grandparents, totally oblivious of the significant event going on inside that court building. After we went to court and had legally adopted, we flew to Moscow. I remember that first night we went to the pool in the hotel and had a wonderful time; everything was so new and exciting at that point. Finally it was time to go home. After the long flights and layovers and countless hours of being awake we finally reached home. We showed Kristina and Pasha their rooms, all made up with toys and signs and pictures from people that already loved them, even though they had never met.

Things were pretty good, however...

The new siblings in the hotel pool in
Moscow after the first adoption.

The first couple weeks after we adopted were full of emotions for me. Kristina and I had already become best friends, playing with dolls and speaking in a combination of broken Russian and broken English. We really hit it off and I finally had someone who enjoyed dolls as much as I did. We all took family outings and did things together. I learned to communicate in some form of Russian, and they were steadily learning more and more English. Things were pretty good, however not all the time. I remember some times crying and thinking that my life wouldn’t be the same. I remember thinking that my parents wouldn’t love me as much now that they were giving all of their attention to my new siblings. There were times when I was completely happy with my situation, having more people to play with and new family, but there were also times that I was sad and felt like I wasn’t important. Those first couple of months were full of wonderful and tough times and emotions, but eventually all of those emotions steadied into happiness and acceptance.

I can't imagine my family any different way

Julia and Kristina became best buddies.

Now, looking back, I can’t really remember what it was like without my adopted siblings. I don’t think I would want to go back to that time because I can’t imagine my family any different way. To me, my sister and brothers from Russia are my siblings, sure they were adopted and weren’t always a part of our family, but now they are. I sometimes forget that they were adopted and that my life used to be so different. I think that I was at a perfect age to accept and move into my new family. Today I see my siblings as truly part of the family and I can’t imagine my life without them. We truly are one big family, no division and no differences, just one family.

Arriving home in Atlanta--exhausted but happy!

I grew to know God as a wonderful, loving Father

My family life was not the only thing changed by the adoption, but my spiritual life and relationship with Christ evolved too. I was only eight when we first adopted, so at that point I had already accepted the Lord as my Savior and had given him my life. But I didn’t have a relationship with him, or at least not like I do now. While the adoption didn’t magically change my relationship with God or make God closer, it did give me a better understanding of him and his love for us. I grew to know God as a wonderful loving father who not only gives us his love but he adopts us into his family and gives us his inheritance, just as my family adopted our earthly family members. The adoption definitely helped me nurture and develop a lasting relationship with God that would continue to grow in understanding and love as I got older. My growth and closeness to my heavenly father has definitely been affected by our adoption and the impact it had on my family and those around us.

First day of school with the Headmaster.

SOME NEW YEAR REPEATS

2012-01-13T06:04:00.001-05:00

With the New Year we thought we would put up a few of our posts from earlier in our Hope at Home Blog history, since many of you weren't around back then. If you are like me, rereading this one of our son Sergei telling about what it has been like for him to be adopted is worth the time. Sergei, an impressive and much-loved 17 year old, is a sophomore in high school.

Also, would you share our blog with some friends in the adoption community this month? Thank you!

Sergei's Story

We were left to "fend for ourselves"

I don’t remember a lot from my life in Russia, mainly because I have blocked those memories out of my mind. My brother Andrei and I were left to “fend for ourselves” from a young age. Many times Andrei and I would steal our dinner from stores, or steal people’s money. Andrei was basically my parent, always cleaning me up if I got hurt.

Sergei (right) with Andrei.

Eventually, the government came to our little apartment and talked to my parents. I don’t know what they said, but I got a good idea of what it was when they took Andrei and me away. Andrei was put in an orphanage and I was taken to an orphanage for younger children. I remember being happy in this place. I was given food, without having to go out and steal it. The workers were nice too.

As I look back I can see God's hand

I was later put in a foster family. These people were nice and caring for a while, and I thought that I could be happy here. As time went on, they became meaner, and stopped caring about me. That’s when my grandmother came and talked to me. She told me that I had two choices. I could either stay with the foster family, or go to the orphanage so that Andrei and I could be together. As I look back on this, I can see God’s hand in this. He knew what was best for me. Even though the orphanage was terrible, God was working everything together for my good.

The day the two brothers were reunited at the orphanage.

I was happy to be with my brother

When I arrived at the orphanage, I was happy to be with my big brother. He always looked out for me. The workers at the orphanage were not nice at all. They didn’t care about anyone there. I often got in fights, or was left hungry from the small portions at meals. I was just happy to be with my brother.

I would lie awake the whole night

My grandmother was the main source of happiness in my life at this point. She rode the bus down to the orphanage, picked Andrei and me up, and took us to her apartment. She would bathe us and feed us. I was never hungry at her house. We would spend a day or two with her, then we had to go back to the orphanage. She would always give us bags of candy and food to take with us. Going to sleep at the orphanage was always hard. I had no idea what wouldhappen to me. The older kids were always playing horrible jokes on the younger kids. I was always afraid at night. I would lay awake the whole night. I hated it here. One day someone told me that I was going to get adopted. I didn’t really know what it meant, but I knew that it was a good thing.

A picture of the powerful love of
a grandmother.

I didn't really know what it meant One day someone told me that I was going to get adopted. I was 7 years old. I didn’t really know what it meant, but I knew that it was a good thing. As the adoption time came closer, I noticed that everyone was much nicer to me. I didn’t know why. Eventually after what seemed like years, the adoption day came. I spent the whole day waiting, sitting in the same chair for hours. Andrei had to go to court with my parents. I was left at the orphanage because I was too young.

In Moscow to get Sergei's American papers.

Finally they came

Finally they came. I remember getting in the car with my new family and leaving the orphanage. I was so happy. I knew that I would never be treated the way that I was there. I was given toys and things what would never be taken away from me. I was so happy.

A beautiful Welcome Home party at the Atlanta Airport
Sergei--front and center!

I loved having parents who loved me

I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what my home was going to be like. I didn’t know what it was going to be like living in a new country. I remember coming home and seeing the biggest house I had ever seen. I was so amazed by the amount of room. I had to adjust to this new place. I had all the food I could eat. I was never hungry again. I loved having parents who loved me, and took care of me.

Sergei (front right) with all 21 cousins and
their grandparents = FAMILY!

School

Going to school was a challenge. I didn’t know any English. I learned how to ask to go to the bathroom, and spent most of the day in first grade asking to go to the bathroom. By the time I was in second grade I could understand everything. Math is still hard though!

Sergei (left) doing a presentation at school
with his friend, Alosha

I didn't know who God was

Going to church was new too. I didn’t know what it was. I had never been to church. I remember people coming up to me and loving on me. I made friends with this guy named Alex Hillis. From then on, I would always want to go to church because Alex always played with me at church. I liked going to church to play. I didn’t know who God was.

Sergei's baptism--with his daddy and our
pastor, Greg Haswell

How can I not love this God?
I gave my life to the Lord, and was baptized. I didn’t really know what it meant to be a Christian. Through the years, I have developed my relationship with the Lord. My love for him has grown so much. It was all because of Him that I was adopted. He worked everything together for my good. How can I not love this God? Even now I learn new things about Him. Looking back, I see all the times God has changed things so that His plan could work. I wonder how different my life would be if I stayed with that foster family. I thank God for putting my grandmother in my life.

Spring Break in Orlando--Sergei in center back

Feel free to leave a comment for Sergei. He will be happy to respond to any questions.

BEING A TEACHABLE HYPOCRITE

2012-01-09T06:07:00.001-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

Focus on the People We Are With

So, I started 2012 having one of our sons feeling upset with me because I am a hypocrite. Here's the story of what was going on in our home a week ago, on January 1:

"Vasya," I said, "you are usually respectful, obedient, and kind, and honestly, do a better job than anyone else in the family at honoring daddy and me as your parents. But lately I have noticed that you seem to want to argue and talk back, and even ignore me sometimes when I ask you to do something. This is not God's plan for how sons relate to their mom and dad; do you realize you are doing this?"

"Yes, I do," he replies.

Susan and three of her boys.

"Do you know why you have been treating me this way?" I ask.

"Yes, I know why."

"Do you think you can you tell me why?"

"Yes, I can tell you. Mom, you tell us all the time when we pull out our cell phones at the dinner table to 'focus on the people we are with and not with the people who we are not with.' But then here we are playing cards and you are so distracted by your computer and your texting and facebook, that you don't even know when it's your turn. You don't even know what suit led, and you don't even know what card to play. It is wrong that you are doing exactly what you tell us NOT to do! You get so upset with us when we are on our cell phones at meal time!"

I am pretty impressed that Vasya can actually identify what is behind this oppositional behavior, so highly out of character for him.

"Vasya, you are AMAZING! I was wrong to be so distracted when we were playing cards. You know meal time is a very important family time for me, but I just honestly didn't even stop to think that playing games is, for you, probably the most important kind of family time. Is it?"

"Yes, Mom," Vasya says, "I really enjoy our time playing games together. And with you and your problem being on the cell phone texting when we play games, it's not just today - you do it all the time when we play cards."

"Well, Vasya, I am going to try to change my ways," I promise, smiling. "And I am really sorry, and so proud of you for being able to talk about how much this has been bothering you. It is so common that big divisions form in our relationships with people we are really close to, because of something relatively small that upsets us, but then we don't talk about it. So often if we can just talk out our differences, we can work them out and get rid of the distance that tries to separate us. This is something you will need to keep doing your whole life. Hey, if I try to change and quit being a hypocrite, do you think you can go back to being your kind, respectful self with me?" (It is so important to model asking and receiving forgiveness to our children. Otherwise, how can we expect them to do the same?)

He smiles that big smile of his, "Yes, I think I can do that."

And I did. And he has.

We often ask our kids what the one quality is that most determines a person's potential to be a strong leader. Brian and I both think that being 'teachable' is probably at the top of the list. I just love it when we get to model that quality, as in this story. And I love it when our children teach us!

"Pass on what you have heard from me to reliable leaders who are competent to teach others." (II Tim 2:2).

Passion 2012

So let me explain to you what I was doing on January 1 when I was soooo distracted! I was trying to print out our Passion 2012 tickets for some of our kids and their friends (a huge conference of 45,000 college students at the Georgia Dome!....include CNN link here); then I was trying to find an extra ticket so I was texting a ton and on facebook to try to do that, cause it started January 2 and they are sold out!

I will close with this "How Great is our God" video link of worship leaders from around the world singing this song in their own languages, ending with the Watoto Childrens choir from Uganda, representing the 50 million children in Africa who have been orphaned from disease or war. What a wonderful reminder of God's power to redeem suffering of those who have lost their famlies, by giving them a voice and a future and a hope! I wager to bet that my eyes were not the only ones that were wet as their radiant faces sang "How Great is our God."

A Biological Child's Perspective on Adoption: Cristi

2012-01-06T06:02:00.001-05:00

What a joy it is for us to introduce you to Susan and Brian Hillis' oldest child, Cristi. Cristi Hillis Slate is the sister to 9 siblings (8 of whom were adopted from Russia), the wife of Andrew Slate, and the soon to be mother of a little girl who is due in April, 2012. She works as the Project Coordinator for the CoMission for Children at Risk, an organization that works with orphans and street children in Russia and Eastern Europe. In addition, she is the Director of Projects and Development for Doorways to Hope, where she manages fundraising initiatives and brings over five years of experience in writing and managing grants. Cristi graduated with a degree in Russian Studies from Davidson College and is fluent in Russian. She is currently pursuing a Master's of Public Administration with a Non-profit Management concentration from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog post for months because, aside from being crazy busy and traveling around the world, I honestly just wasn’t sure what to say.

My family has ten children, eight of them adopted from Russia (I’m sure many of you have read all of mom’s great posts on this blog). Adopting was originally my idea—from the very start, I was 110% on board. I’d always wanted more siblings, and in particular, was really excited about the idea of finally being able to have a sister.

The first years after adopting, we had the regular struggles—language acquisition, bonding, school issues, etc. But overall, to many we were the model family. We even had a big, glowing front-page newspaper article written about our family!

All of that has changed since the kids in our family hit their teenage years. I’m pretty sure teenage years are tough for just about everyone, but I think that identity question of “who am I” is much sharper and often more painful for adopted kids. Most of my siblings are doing really well, and have come through their teenage years with a clearer grasp on who they are, who God is, and who they are as part of our family. I’m so thankful for them, and can’t imagine our family without them.

There are a few however, who have put us through hell and back. I can’t explain going to bed at night, for weeks on end, not knowing where your sister is or if she’s even alive. Or spending your Christmas visiting a sibling in jail. It’s heartbreaking.

For a long time I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was angry. Deeply angry at some of my adopted siblings. I thought “my parents have given everything. They’re the best parents I know. How can you spit in their face and turn your back on them? How can you put them through this? How can you not care at all?”

Cristi with her sister, Lana Grace.

A year and a half ago, God started working on my anger. He ended up giving me two weeks of day in, day out, one-on-one time with the sister I was most bitter against. Those few weeks, my anger shifted. It shifted to sorrow, seeing how broken she was. It made me so sad to see all the deep childhood wounds in her that still, after years of being loved and poured into, were somehow not yet healed. My anger also shifted into hope, seeing glimmers of treasure under her layers of grime and very very rough edges. Seeing glimmers of who someday, she has the
potential to become.

A few months ago I was praying for this sister and felt like God spoke to me that He’s not done with her yet. That was such a special word for me. When I look at her life, I see the years of self-destruction and bad decisions. But I’m holding onto God’s promise that He’s not done with her yet.

A few years ago, I was at an adoption conference and a woman shared her testimony. She had lived on the streets of (I think Korea) as a child, before being adopted by an American family. She spent her teenage years and early 20’s in rebellion against God and her parents, making many of the same decisions I see some of my siblings making today. But eventually, God turned her life around, and today she’s a speaker at adoption conferences. Seeing her gave me hope, hope that someday one of my sisters could be standing on a stage like that, testifying that when she thought she’d reached the end, God still wasn’t done with her yet. And not just for my sister—I think for all of us, for myself included, we so need to hear that no matter where we are, God isn’t done with us yet.

BECOMING OUR CHILD'S STORYTELLER

2011-12-30T06:04:00.001-05:00

It's an honor for us to introduce you to our friend, Susan TeBos. Susan is the mother of three internationally adopted children and co-author of Before You Were Mine, Discovering Your Adopted Child’s Lifestory. This helpful book equips adoptive parents to commemorate and celebrate their adopted children's birth stories. You can find out more about Susan and her thoughts on Facebook-- www.facebook.com/susantebos.author

Communicating and Understanding

The other day I was searching for a website that gives voice to birthmothers desiring to reach out to the child she could not parent with words of encouragement and love. I had no idea that sites like this even existed. So I was certainly surprised when I spotted a YouTube video of a birthmother cherishing her final moments with her newborn baby. This video had received over 32,000 likes. Amazing! So many eyes glimpsing the heart of a birthmother, dreaming and wondering if perhaps this love and encouragement was true for them, too. I could only guess that most of these viewers were adult adoptees, individuals who had never been introduced to their lifestory or taught that it is okay to know.

Today, more than ever, wondering and not knowing have been replaced by communicating and understanding. We’ve come a long way as an adoption community and kids are asking and parents are telling. Still many adoptive parents hesitate to go to the difficult places of their child’s heart mainly because it is uncomfortable, or they don’t know how, or they may not have all the answers. Additionally, many are not sure what the outcome of the truth telling will bring. Some even wonder if it is worth it.

Becoming our Child's Storyteller

Experience tells me that it is so worth it and that every authentic effort to bring clarity and truth to an adopted child is valuable. I believe it is our distinct and unique privilege to become our child’s storyteller. And to do this well we must believe that this precious child is counting on us to go there first; to go to her story and to know it, and feel it, and see it with compassion and truth. She is counting on us to be ready when she needs us to hear her, affirm her, to reassure her, and to guide and protect her. Who better to receive her concerns or desires or hurt? Who better to walk with her through it all?

My husband, Mike, and I are raising our three children to receive their birth stories and hopefully accept them one day too, even the messy stuff that causes tears and wondering. It’s all about layers of learning and establishing our roles as storytellers in their lives. We started telling when they were little and it was easy. We talked about their birth country and birth parents names and facts and data like eye color or occupation. We even delighted in performing our own silly versions of Russian dances wearing furry Russian hats. Then, as our kids grew, the wondering grew, too. That’s when the hard work began. Russian hats became embarrassing. Eye color not enough. Questions surfaced that were more sophisticated, questions we didn’t have definitive answers for and yet were honest enough to tell them so.

Introducing the Birthparents

That’s when we began introducing their birthparents in a new way, looking at things like character, for example, and making safe assumptions that would help them see this person more fully. A person’s actions can tell us a lot about his or her character. With this in mind, one day I decided to download an extensive list of character traits off the internet with lots of options to select from. I just Googled ‘character traits’ and pop, up came lists to choose from. After selecting 4 or 5 traits that were believable and best described our oldest son’s birthmother, I was ready to share something new with him when he needed it. When the day came, Matthew, age 13, was visibly relieved to begin seeing his birthmother in this new way…hopeful, friendly, safe, responsible, and even loveable. He had never considered her this way before and his heart softened toward her that day. As for my part, the words I selected to describe his birthmother were not just random words simply chose to appease his heart. He knows I would never jeopardize our mutual trust in that way.

Sadly, we will not have such comforting words to share with our daughter regarding her birthmother’s character. It will not be easy. It will be hard to describe a person who was so broken at that time in her life.

May you, too, discover the privilege that is unique to adoption. May you speak truth into your child’s heart. May you enter holy ground where a reservoir of feelings waits to be shared or released. May you become your child’s storyteller.

To find out more about how to become your child's storyteller, read Susan's book.

YOU WILL FIND IT AFTER MANY DAYS

2011-12-22T20:05:00.000-05:00

Why Knit?

I took up knitting not long after our first adoption. I knitted a scarf first, imperfect with its holes randomly scattered, revealing to all that not only was I a novice, but also that I am decidedly not a perfectionist. The holes didn't bother me really-- but the sense of satisfaction I felt at having actually finished a project was soon to become an addiction. I've lost count of how many scarves I've knitted over the past 11 years, but suffice it to say that even my husband and 3 sons have scarves-- I totally knew they'd never wear them! I didn't care though because I soon realized that the hobby I began as a way to connect with our Russian daughter, who loved to knit, turned out to satisfy a need that parenting definitely does not. That is, I could set out to accomplish a goal and actually see it finished within a week or two. How refreshing in the midst of the parenting goals which consume our thoughts, our time, and our emotional and spiritual energies. Goals like bringing our children into healing from the deep wounds of their pasts, teaching them to give and receive love, to think before acting and to understand consequences, to learn English and to get along with others, to handle their anger well, not to mention personal hygiene, sharing toys etc, etc, etc........!

Delayed Gratification
Talk about long-term goals--parenting surely can lay claim to being the job with the most delayed gratification ever! We realize early on that our efforts in raising our children often don't see the fruit we desire and believe for until an undisclosed but greatly anticipated and hoped-for day. So we parents learn to sow seeds in all kinds of climates, stages, and circumstances.

"Happy and fortunate are you who cast your seed upon all waters [when the river overflows its banks; for the seed will sink into the mud and when the waters subside, the plant will spring up; you will find it after many days and reap an abundant harvest], you who safely send forth the ox and the donkey [to range freely]." Isaiah 32:20 (Amplified)

I'm excited to share this scripture with you because it has been such an encouragement to me in the past few weeks. I am encouraged once again as a parent to continue to sow the seeds of love, wise counsel, firm boundaries, unconditional acceptance, words of Truth, kindness and firmness....

"You Will Find it After Many Days...."
Parenting is one of those jobs that is vast in scope with only occasional (but glorious) signs of accomplishment and finality. We treasure those moments when, like the tying off of the last piece of yarn on my latest knitting project, we see that one of our long-term goals have been met. As this scripture says, "you will find it after many days..." I want to encourage you parents to continue to cast in hope the seeds of your love (in all its many forms) on all the waters of your child's life, all the waters of your families' circumstances. For indeed, that seed will sink into the mud of your child's life, deep into his identity. And though hidden from you for what may seem an impossibly long season, so long that it may call upon you to believe with faith-filled hope, it will indeed "spring up."

Glorious Satisfaction
Just recently we experienced the glorious satisfaction, (far more gratifying than any completed knitting project I am here to tell you!) of seeing seeds of healing spring up before our astonished eyes -- seeds sown over and over and over and over in hope. To hear our child speak words to us that could only be spoken from a place of deep healing, confirmed in both eyes and tone of voice, left both Stephen and me full of praise to God for His faithfulness. This experience, so fresh and pleasing, reminded us that we must not grow weary of casting our seeds when all we see is a muddy stream and truly wonder if we've made any progress at all.

Father God, we are believing You for the promised abundant harvest. Help us to parent in faith when our eyes don't see any evidence of plants and fruit in our children. May it be to us and our children as you have said. Amen.

HIDDEN TESTIMONIES: PREGNANT AND SINGLE

2011-12-16T06:30:00.006-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

It strikes me as ironic that at this Christmas season it is so easy for me to ignore a central fact of the Christmas story: Mary was pregnant and single. Like so many young girls around the world. Like one of our daughters.

And in spite of the judgment that comes by many, the image of God is being perfectly formed in Mary...so much so that we read that Jesus is "the exact imprint of His nature." (Heb 1:3) And the image of God is being formed in them. And the image of God is being formed in her. Indeed and in deed, God "forms their inward parts;" God "knits them together in their mother's wombs." (Ps 139:15). I am relearning some of these lessons about how easy it is for me to chose judgment over grace, and I am excited that the Lord is moving me to see His image in those I can so easily judge.

I have been thinking for the past several days about that section from the book by Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, where the believers on the liberal campus have a 'Confession Booth' over that 'debauchery week end.' The latter has some inviting-sounding-name, but that is what it is. You may know the story. The Christians begin receiving drunk and high folks around midnight, who come into their tent and have a seat. And the believers say, 'we want to apologize for failing to love you.' There was a sense of the believers coming to see, even in those walking in overt rebellion, something of the nature and image of God.

Hidden Testimonies

So....while we have most of our 10 children doing so very well, there are a few whose choices have differed from what we expected and hoped....they have made the kind of choices that tempt me to feel like a failure as a mom...yet I am refusing to take that on! Here, for those few who are walking in 'affliction,' are some hidden testimonies (By the way, I dare you to do a word study of the terms 'testimonies' and 'affliction' of Ps 119 in the ESV...the testimonies should always outnumber the afflictions, if we but have eyes to see. "In the way of your testimonies I delight," Ps 119:14):

We went to visit a daughter recently, who has been living with her boyfriend ...she and he are involved in a church and bringing their neighbor friends who are struggling to the church - and they are seeing her boyfriend's parents come with them to the church. They are working hard at a house repair business, together, and wanting to get married they say. I felt nudged by the Holy Spirit to ask the boyfriend's forgiveness for judging him so severely all these months. His eyes filled with tears so much that he couldn't even speak. 'Ma'am, I had been praying so much you would find it in your heart to give me a chance. I love your daughter.' (He recently fell and has a serious back injury! pray for him!)

Another daughter has been living from hotel to hotel, with all that involves, for over a year, in and out of jail with her boyfriend. I have been concerned for her and thankful for the clear direction to keep the relationship - she calls me often. I had so judged her boyfriend's mom, who I am told has many kids, each with a different father, and many felonies. Well, of all things, last night this daughter tells me "Mommy, [my boyfriend's] mom is really changing. She is very involved in a church and is trying to get us to come with her. She has quit all that bad stuff she was doing. Now she is even trying to quit smoking. She is turning her life around mom and she is trying to help us do the same thing." And I am thinking, "O, Lord, I never would have expected You to begin to work in HER!" I had just longed for her to disappear, to be out of their lives.

And finally, we have a dear daugther who is pregnant and unmarried. I am trusting she and her boyfriend will grow to love the Lord deeply and personally through all this. God is opening up SCANDALOUS provision for her, and I mean SCANDALOUS - we pray she learns to steward this provision responsibly, for God's glory, as she moves to live with some dear friends for a time.

The Ending is Good

BUT GOD....His love never fails, never gives up. Even if we are in the depths He is here (Ps 139 "Where can I flee from Your presence?"). Like the mama bunny in the classic children's book, The Runaway Bunny, who

promises her son she will be wherever he runs to, God is like that with me....and with my children. And He is like that with you and your children. May you have eyes to see His image, over these holidays, in the least of these that are 'insiders' in your lives!!!

For many months now this phrase has been in my mind: "Only adopt kids if you are willing to be crucified by them, but there IS a glorious resurrection. "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20. I had thought of that for me. That the Lord is bigger, for me, than the heartache. I am beginning to see anew, this is true for them as well. Sometimes is seems like my life is a movie! And I trust in the Lord that the ending is good - even though I may be in the scary part right now.

Much much love! It's THANKSGIVING time!

Blessings to you!

THE STRENGTH OF TRADITIONS IN OUR FAMILIES

2011-12-09T06:05:00.038-05:00

Sometimes Susan and I have to laugh and enjoy how God works with us at Hope at Home. We have often texted, or emailed or made a phone call and found that we have the same message or scripture to share, completely independent of each other. It's actually such fun for us-- knowing that we are hearing some of God's heart together. This week we both wrote articles for this blog on traditions, so you are getting a double whammy! It's especially funny to us this time because usually I am the one who loves to talk about the practical aspects of parenting, always intrigued with how the Truths we are learning look in "real life" at home, and Susan always says she's more of the big vision type, excited by the beauty and power of the Truth. Well, she felt quite impressed with herself this time because her post is full of practical ideas for creating Christmas traditions, and rightly so-- it's a wonderful article! And my approach is focused more on the overall benefits of traditions in your adoptive family. So here is part two on traditions:

Traditions and Unity

So, I am a big fan of traditions I have to say. In their place and for the right purpose traditions are a gift in any family. Those of us whose families are formed by adoption may find that the creation of traditions serve as an effective tool in building family unity. You may have found, like us, that adoption does not lend itself to unity, that family unity is something we parents must be intentional about. The very nature of adoption is to introduce someone from the outside into the life and heart of your family. In our post on Family Unity I gave the definition of unity: "oneness, especially of what is varied and diverse in its element or part." An adoptive family is nothing if not diverse! We have found that creating family traditions has significantly helped us to be ONE family in the midst of much diversity. There is something about family traditions that fosters a sense of unity, peace joy, fellowship....

Creating Traditions
Unlike routines, which are merely every day activities that require no special behavior and usually do not produce good feelings, traditions are "practices that create positive feelings and are repeated at regular intervals." We think of traditions as being handed down from one generation to another, but you can create your own traditions to meet the needs of your adoptive family. I loved the ideas that Susan shared in her post on Christmas Traditions. For many of us these wonderful Christmas activities will be new, but traditions have to start somewhere! The first few Christmases after our adoptions we attended a Russian Christmas celebration, filled with Russian music, dance and food. It was an effort on our part to make our children feel valued and to give them something familiar and comforting. It ended up not becoming a tradition for us because it didn't seem to mean much to our children, but I do encourage you to think outside your family traditions to find activities that will be congruent with your family. I'll share one other Christmas idea with you. Because we have seven children and we were trying to avoid having 42 presents under the tree (representing only the ones each child would buy for his/her 6 siblings!) it has become a tradition with us that each child give all the money he or she would have spent on gifts for their siblings to buy a gift(s) for someone in need. Over the years we have given anonymously to families struggling at our church, to homeless children at a ministry in our city, and to unwed mothers. I know that sounds very impressive so I feel I must tell you that we still have plenty of presents under our tree, and most of them are store bought! But we have found that this tradition of giving to someone in need is a wonderful way for our family to live out who we are as worshipers of Jesus.

The Gift of Heritage
Along with creating new traditions, I encourage you to embrace ones that you grew up with and value. It is a wonderful gift to your children, especially your adopted children, to be warmly gathered into the heritage of your family, the traditions you grew up with. It creates in them a sense of belonging and history. It is a sad reality for our precious adopted children, to one extent or another, to have missing or fragmented histories. When we maintain traditions it fills in the sometimes gaping emotional holes that their missing stories have left. Take the time to tell your stories of growing up, of the things you used to do each year, and then do it again with your children! Both Stephen and I grew up in a liturgical church and we continue to enjoy observing Advent (the four weeks leading up to Christmas) with our children. It has been an effective way for us to celebrate Jesus in December rather than celebrate presents and Santa Claus. Our best family devotionals have been during these nightly readings, lighting the candles in our advent wreath, and sharing the amazing story of redemption.

We have been surprised over the years at how protective our children are over our traditions. Sometimes we go to make a change, not actually realizing that something like where we place our Christmas Tree has become a tradition, and find out we are practically flirting with the unpardonable sin! Just two years ago I tried to place the Christmas tree in a different corner of the room and I wish you could have heard the uproar. Fascinatingly, it is our adopted children who often feel the most passionate about our traditions. They have an amazing memory about whose turn it is to put the star on top of our tree each year! I have come to realize that by giving them the gift of traditions we are creating a sense of security and belonging that goes beyond the counting of its value.

Stephen and I just spent an evening with another adoptive family who came to Hope at Home 2011, talking and praying for each other. They were sharing that every Christmas Eve their family shares communion. I just loved that. Stephen and I decided that this year we will do the same-- looks like a new tradition may be born for us Templetons!

I heard Bill Johnson once say that having a history gives a person the momentum for success. Let's include our adopted children into our family histories and into our spiritual histories, and watch how God uses it to launch them into their destiny in Him!

CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

2011-12-06T06:14:00.002-05:00

FROM SUSAN HILLIS:

"Now may the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ" has been my prayer this week for myself and my children, and it is now my prayer for you....may the Lord use these ideas to direct your children's hearts to the Love of God!!!!!

Living as we do in a culture steeped in materialism -- the longing for and love of things -- I have spent many Decembers thinking about how to help the focus of our home be on the gifts Christ gives more than the gifts you get, and the gifts Christ wants more than the gifts you want, and the gifts you give more than the gifts you receive. Mostly I have just kept open eyes and open ears, and copied great ideas from others, which I will pass along now to you.

The Gifts Christ Gives

The gifts Christ gives to us are so many -- forgiveness, acceptance, identify, hope, purpose, belonging, beauty. One simple tradition we have been doing for many many years is making and using a Jesse tree. It is a simple felt wall hanging with velcro ornaments that I made with our kids. It looks like this.

Jesse Tree. Every night we read or paraphrase the summary (when they are younger), or read the Scriptures, and let one of the kids place the velcro symbol for that reading on the tree. The kids have their 'special' symbols now which they often beg to be 'mine' to put on! It may be the angel they made, or the 10 commandments, or the dove with the lop-sided eye, or the apple that they always place in exactly the same spot each year -- until the brother walks into the room the next day and tricks them by moving it! Then I get to arbitrate a disagreement! All in all, this daily tradition in December helps weave the truths of the gospel, from creation in Genesis, through the hope of the resurrection, in our hearts. It is a way for God's written word to be sown in our minds and hearts during this wonderful season of birthday celebration for our Lord! Invariably there are nights we miss, and we just double up on those. (There are quite a few books available on Amazon that give the patterns and readings for your Jesse Tree. It is a fun project to do with other families in your church!)

Advent Wreath. We also have an advent wreath that we light each Sunday of December during either lunch or dinner, and we discuss the symbolism in the wreath.

Christmas music and stories and ornaments: We like to use these a lot! I typically buy one new Christmas album and one new kids' Christmas book every year. We often make ornaments together at home and talk about meaning...one year Jonny made a pig out of styrofoam balls, pipe cleaners, and sequins. We talked about God's creation - and the pig looked soooo funny that it became a favorite over the years.

Act It Out. Every year we get up, have breakfast and open stockings, read the Christmas story from Luke 2, pray, and then begin to share gifts. Usually at some point during the day, we act out the Christmas story reading from a simple version of Luke 2....kids always enjoy acting out stories....we have some funny family memories of "the year Cristi was the donkey, Anya was Mary, and Anya fell off."

The Gifts Christ Wants

Gifts for the Least. We have talked a lot over the years with our kids about the gifts Christ wants. Matthew 25 is a great passage for this: "I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink; I was a stranger and you welcomed me; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited me; I was in prison and you came to me." We know the rest - when we give these gifts to the least, we give them to Him. At times we get up early and make biscuits with friends and take them down to homeless folks early on Sunday morning. Other times in the afternoon we go down and help with Hosea Williams 'feed the homeless' meal in Atlanta. One year we went over and carolled for an older woman who was a shut-in.

Gifts of Kindness and Service. We also talk about the fact that Jesus loves it when we give to Him in secret. (Don't let your right hand know what your left is doing.) Some years we decorate a gold box and put a slit in the top. We encourage everyone in the family to look for ways they give to the Lord when others are not looking....maybe make your brother's bed or do his chores; maybe give a compliment to someone looking sad and then write this down on a slip of paper, unsigned, and put in in Jesus' gift box. At times we read them later in the month and at times we just leave them secret.

The Gifts You Give

I always disliked the typical talk between kids at school that goes like this. "So, what do you want for Christmas?" or "What are you gonna get for Christmas?" Then the answer, "Well, I am gonna get a computer." In our family of 12, folks don't get computers for Christmas! Also,this focus flies in the face of Jesus' words that "it is more blessed to give than to receive." While I wish I could say, "All of my kids were content simply focusing on giving and not receiving," that is not the case. The creepy creeping materialism often made them feel pressured, different, since that is not our family focus. But we were able to come up with an answer that helped A LOT! We decided, together, that we could say something like this, "In our family we get big presents on our birthday, since that day is about us....but on Christmas we focus more on giving, since that day is about Jesus' birthday."

Gifts We Make. A number of folks have asked me, when they learn when have a family of 12, "What is Christmas like?...Is it just out of control?" I feel sad when I hear it, as we have so lost sight of the One who we are celebrating. I usually say, "No, Christmas is really a fun time in our family. We approach Christmas like this. Each of us draws 2 names out of a hat, and then makes a gift for that person." Here is an example of gifts kids made for each other last year...the hand tied UGA blanket, the sweat pants with "ACC" on them, standing for Atlanta Christian College. We have many examples....home made jewelry, funny videos, picture albums, poems, stories, golfballs painted to make them personalized, paintings, knitted scarfs, home made peanut brittle or candy.

The impact of focusing on making gifts is that we spend lots of times at home together working with our hands for each other, rather than out at malls walking aisles. Over recent years some of the non-artistic kids have begged to buy their gift and we have agreed to that, since they do seem spent on ideas after many years of doing this...the focus, though, still is more on the gift we give over the gift we want. It carries over into Christmas morning like this. From youngest to oldest, or vice versa, we start by finding a wrapped gift we made and taking it over to the family member we made it for. So even then, we are looking for what we will give.

May your family enjoy many gifts in this next month--gifts that bring joy in the giving and in the receiving!

HE REFRESHES AND RESTORES MY LIFE

2011-12-02T06:33:00.013-05:00

From Michelle Haswell. You will also enjoy Michelle's last post, "He Shouts Restore over Our Lives."

If you haven't yet, LIKE Hope at Home on Facebook. It's a nice way to keep connected with what's going on at Hope at Home and with other adoptive and foster parents, as well as to receive encouragement throughout the week.

Refresh

We all go through seasons where we find ourselves in need of being refreshed due to the demands that life places on us. In those times I have found that the only true and deep refreshing comes from the Lord Himself. This understanding is born out in various scriptures throughout the Bible.

Psalm 23:3 "He refreshes my soul"

Jeremiah 31: 25 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint" ( such a beautiful promise)

Philemon 1:7 "Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you brother have refreshed the hearts of God's people"

2 Corinthians 7:13 "We were especially delighted to see how happy Titus was, because his spirit has been refreshed by all of you"

It is clear that one of the ways God intends to refresh our souls is through one another. A good question to ask ourselves is "who does this for me?". Amidst all the needs of parenting, make sure there are people in your life who refresh your soul! For me these are deeply valuable and very necessary relationships.

Restore

The scriptures tell us that the Lord shouts 'Restore' over our lives. Sometimes we need more than refreshing, where we have suffered loss we long to have areas of lives reinstated to their former condition. God can take care of these needs as well.

When we choose to become parents through adoption or biologically there are many things that we give up, some go without saying but I believe there are some places the Lord wants to restore back to us. Among these are: peace at home, intimacy in marriage, who God called you to be (sometimes as parents we can feel as if we have lost a part of who we are), financial stability, to name a few. God is great at the restoration of lives and He loves doing it.

Psalm 14:7 "When the Lord restores his people, let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad."

Jeremiah 30:7 "I will restore you to health and heal your wounds"

Rebuild

Sadly there are situations in life that have the potential to cause great damage to us emotionally, like rebellious children, abusive marriages, or financial collapse.

The good news is that our heavenly Father is in the business of not only refreshing and restoring but also rebuilding the broken places. As I mentioned in a previous blog, when my husband and I lost triplets who were born prematurely, we found ourselves in need of some serious emotional and spiritual repair. I'm so thankful to the Lord for the rebuilding and strengthening in our lives through His faithful love.

Jeremiah 33:7 "I will bring back Judah and Israel from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before"

Amos 9:14 "I will restore the fortunes of my people Israel, and they shall rebuild the ruined cities and inhabit them; they shall plant vineyards and drink their wine, and they shall make gardens and eat their fruit" (He not only promises to rebuild the ruined places but also promises us great fruitfulness)

Parenting always requires sacrifice so that others may live. Our greatest example of this is Jesus' own sacrifice on the cross. He gave up His dignity, His position, His life so that we can have eternal life. I believe that along with the daily sacrifices we make and the things that we give up because we love our children, there are also places in our lives that the Lord longs to refresh, restore or even rebuild if we will allow Him to do so.

Jesus loves us with a great and abiding love that surpasses knowledge. He is the kindest person you will ever meet. I encourage you to ask Him for refreshing, restoration or rebuilding for your life.

THE POWER OF A PARENT'S THANKFULNESS

2011-11-28T06:13:00.001-05:00

If you are in the Facebook world you may have noticed that there were lots of posts about thankfulness in the month leading up to Thanksgiving. A few of my friends made it their goal to post something they were thankful for every single day. I loved that-- and found that it affected me, my thoughts being drawn to what I was thankful for as well. Funny, but no matter how old I get and how often I hear a message on thankfulness, or preach one myself to my children, I always benefit from the reminder. There is a huge difference between taking time to give thanks and a lifestyle of thankfulness.

A Lifestyle of Thankfulness
In his book, "Strengthen Yourself in the Lord," Bill Johnson speaks of a lifestyle of thankfulness, a lifestyle where I place my focus on what God has done and what He is doing now, rather than focusing on what He has yet to do. I have learned in the last few years what a difference this approach makes. As adoptive parents we are often confronted with difficult realities, right? In another post on the adopted child's foundations I spoke about God telling me that "you need to be in this for the long haul." Partnering with God to transform orphans into Sons and Daughters is not a process that ends with adoption-- it is the work and love of a lifetime! When we place our energies and mind space on thanking God for what He is up to now and remind ourselves of what He has done in the past, we totally shift the way we deal with these difficulties.

Good Gifts
One of the reasons this "works" is that all of God's ways are Good, so thinking about the Good Things He has done and is doing aligns our thoughts with Him, rather than with the difficulty at hand.
"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle." James 1:17
Indeed, I have found Him never to be fickle in His dealings with our family. He is constant, kind, merciful and mighty. When God gets involved in a difficulty with your child you are sure to get pure goodness from Him, no tricks or games. And I find that by making the choice to thank Him for what He is doing, I am in the powerful place of being in agreement with God.

Mindful and Alert
It simply becomes hard to stay in a place of discouragement when I am mindful and alert to the love and goodness of God that has been so evident in the history of our family. I remember how God called us to adoption, how our children have grown and healed over the years, how some of the serious issues we faced years ago are no longer problems-- all pretty amazing realities for us.
"Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; Thank God in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18
There's probably a long list of concerns you have regarding your child, but the list of things to be thankful for is always longer. Often an act of our will, often an act of faith, may our choice to live as a people full of thanks release power into our parenting.

Penny Praises
I love the story of George Mueller, a nineteenth century evangelist who devoted his life to orphans, who clearly had learned to live a lifestyle of thanksgiving. He wrote, "Expect great things from God, and great things you will have. There is no limit to what He is able to do. Praises forever to His glorious name! Praise Him for everything! I have praised Him many times when He sent me ten cents, and I have praised Him when He has sent me sixty thousand dollars." The story is told that Mueller was believing God for the finances to build an orphanage when a young orphan boy approached him with a few coins, an offering to help. Mueller's response was to give glory to God, choosing to thank Him and recognizing the money as significant, rather than focus on the tens of thousands lacking. These "penny praises" are ours to give, in faithful anticipation for the day when we experience the fullness of God's promises in the lives of our families.

And I'd like to end this post by saying that we at Hope at Home are deeply thankful to God for the opportunity to serve. Our team is meeting tonight and will spend time in prayer for you. It is an honor to share with you what God has so freely given to us. Grace and Peace be with you and with your families!

FROM HERE THE VIEW IS BEAUTIFUL!

2011-11-23T06:12:00.001-05:00

From Susan Hillis:

Yesterday afternoon, at the base of Stone Mountain, I saw a little girl who appeared to be about 5, running out of a small clearing where she had tarried by the lake to peer up at the towering mountain with its impressive carving of valor and sacrifice. Looking me in the eyes, she burst out, "From here the view is beautiful!!!"

So I had to go stand where she had been to see for myself. It was not the carving that caught my eye. It was the glory of God's radiant light shining all around the single young tree that was growing, impossibly, out of the very top peak of the stone summit. And the Lord reminds us, "Tarry away from the crowd. Be still [and know that I am God]. LOOK UP! And you will see My glory. And we, with unveiled face, all behold the glory of the Lord! Nothing is between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of His face. And so we're transfigured, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like Him." (II Cor 3, ESV and MSG).

At this season of Thanksgiving, may we have our eyes opened, daily, to see His beauty in creation in a fresh way, right along the paths of our lives, where, "from here the view is beautiful." Lord, you promise mercies that are new every morning. It is easy for me to get so mired in looking at the weeds and stones of errands, disobedience, rebellion, unteachableness, that I miss the mercies. I see a mountain of stone that looks impossible to scale, instead of the tender tree growing miraculously at the very top.

How often do you want allowance?

How often do you want allowance? Every week? Every month? This is what I tell our kids. "Hey guys....I know how we all can get allowance every day! Not just every week or every month! Every day! The last verse of Jeremiah says, "A regular allowance was given 'her' by the King according to 'her' daily need, ...as long as she lived." Help us, Lord, to live on your daily allowance of mercy, so vibrantly loud through your quietly tranquil creation. Only this way will I really see the beautiful view with any consistency.

Daily light

It is those two words the Lord whispered to me one morning several years ago as I peered over the field in back of our house...daily light. I understood that today's light is new and present today - we do not walk around today borrowing the light from yesterday's rays of sun...no, the light I have today is from today's rays - not yesterday's and not tomorrow's. How do we get this light? "The unfolding of Your words gives light." Whether through creation or music or pictures or scriptures. We just need to unfold them....because "from here the view is beautiful."

WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE

2011-11-19T12:11:00.004-05:00

From Scott Means:

Hard stuff happens. That’s just reality.

During the Hope at Home 2011 Conference my lovely wife and I had the pleasure of speaking into the marriages of couples who have adopted. I greatly admire adoptive couples for the selfless love they have expressed by answering the call of God on their lives to adopt. But the reality for many is that life is really hard and the demands of an adoptive family create some unique stresses that I’m sure I cannot fully appreciate, not having adopted ourselves.
One of the foundational principles of a Surrendered Marriage, my shorthand description for biblical marriage, is selfless giving. This is how I describe that principle:

"The beauty and power of a Surrendered Marriage is found in what it compels you to give rather than what it permits you to demand."

Scripture paints a pretty clear picture of the way husbands and wives how are to love one another:

Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

But as much as I believe that we are called to a life of extravagant and selfless love, there are times when you just don’t have anything left to give. There are times when the physical and mental stresses of life will sap every ounce from your being.

When You Have Nothing Left
There will be seasons in your life when it feels like the walls are caving in. In these times you often go into survival mode, and it’s likely that your attention will turn from most things around you, including your marriage and your spouse.

It’s natural to turn inward and self-protective when life smacks you in the face, but I want to encourage you that even when you feel “alone” in your suffering and stress, you and your spouse are one, and anything you encounter in your life is encountered by you both. So while you may not have a lot to give, make every effort to remain present in your marriage and connected to your spouse. Let him or her help hold you up.

Give yourself permission to be in need. Tell your husband or wife where you are mentally, what you’re feeling and how he or she can help you. If you can manage it keep your emotions in check when asking for help. Do so without being critical and demanding.

Whatever it is, face it together.

When Your Spouse Has Nothing Left
If you are the spouse of someone who has nothing left to give and it feels like you are the one left to hold things together, know that you are being Christ to your spouse. God bless you for your faithfulness.

Let me give you a few suggestions to help you deal with the situation:

Learn what stress looks like on your spouse (most people have characteristic reactions). Do your best not to respond to the emotions (fear, anger, moodiness or whatever stress produces), but to deal with the root cause instead.
Give practical help to relieve the stress when you can (that’s not always possible).
Be present and don’t back away. Be sensitive to what is most helpful – sometimes that may mean pursuing if they back away or may mean allowing space when needed.
Speak truth into their life. You can provide clarity to help separate facts from the truth. Keep point them to God.
Try loving them “as if.” Realize that what they are expressing is coming from a place of pain and pressure and is not necessarily who they really are. Have an attitude of grace.
You don’t need to silently endure disrespect or unkindness, but be gentle in pointing out that your spouse needs to watch how they speak to you.

When You Both Have Nothing Left
Our most difficult times are when both Jenni and I are under great stress, when neither of us is able to pick up the slack and do the reaching out. It’s probably true in most marriages.

For starters, let me tell you a hard truth: it is part of a husband’s responsibility to lead in this arena. If one of you has to lay down their life (put aside their own stress), it’s you. I encourage you to step up and carry things when your wife falters. It’s part of your calling from God as a husband, and he will strengthen and equip you to do it.

Start with spiritual intimacy – look together toward God for help and answers. It puts you immediately together on the same team and acknowledges the Lordship of Jesus and your dependence upon him.
You both will need to resist your tendency to turn inward. Try to stay present with each other. Stay connected in small ways (a text, a call, a kind word, a hug).
Neither of you is in a place to do big things for each other, so do the little things you know to do. They make a big difference.
Try to keep your head in the game. Remember that you are one even when you don’t feel like it, and neither of you walks alone in whatever it is.
Be real but watch how you communicate. When emotions are running full tilt it’s easy to say things in ways that convey something you don’t intend.

Shout “Grace! Grace!” to the mountain.

When I’m facing a mountain, whatever it may be, I like to remember these verses:

This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by [your] might nor by [your] power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. "What are you, O mighty mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become level ground. Then he will bring out the capstone [finish the work he set out to accomplish] to shouts of 'Grace! Grace!' [God bless it! God bless it!]

Zech 4:6 (NKJ) [brackets added]

May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing (through the experience of your faith), that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope.

Romans 15:13 (AMP)

Remember to continually speak words of grace and hope to your spouse at all times, but especially in times of significantly stress!

You can read more from Scott on his popular marriage blog, Journey to Surrender.