When we take on the control of our life we panic. There is so much room for jealousy, worry, anger, bitterness, resentment. I wonder if pastor’s get angry or jealous when another brother or sister in Christ plants a new church?

I will have to say, if this is the truth then the pastor who is jealous really isn’t concerned about the ultimate goal here, to share Christ with the world, they are really just worried about their self and their mission…

My eyes have been opened lately to the truth, and the truth is the body of Christ humility is lacking (I’m not excluded from this statement.) Pride is rampant within the body of Christ! I am now seeing what’s keeping us from Him, it’s our pride not our brokenness. If we can’t move past the pride then I feel we will never be able to reach the world for Christ.

This bothers me tremendously.

Brothers and sisters, pride is still a problem for us and if we can’t take down these walls then our light for Christ will never shine as bright as it could…

Humility

“Humility who?”

Humility came knocking on my door today, AGAIN! Wow, you’d think I’d have this humility thing down, but no. For some reason I think I can do something to make myself worthy, or capable. For some reason I feel like I need to prove something and show the world I am a good leader, wife, mother…

Humility. Honestly this is a word I thought I never really had problems with. Yeah, it’s hard to admit that to the world on a blog (yikes!) Pride. Oh, no not me. HA! Who am I fooling.

The truth is my heart is saturated with pride, and when I fall off my pedestal that I *think* God has put me on, I fall hard, and that’s when humility comes knocking at my door. You see humility makes you surrender, totally and completely. When you are blinded by pride, like I have been, you don’t see that you are trying to do everything yourself.

Honestly I’m not sure how to block the pride attacks. It gets embedded in me so quickly. I could feel it creeping in when I started that Leadership class and realized that I was nothing a leader should be, so then I decided I’m going to become those “things” and that began my demise…what was I going to become? I was going to become “worthy.”

OH boy, the efforts we make to become WORTHY, as soon as I felt like I had to become worthy that is when my heart started turning away from God again. Oh my pour soul, all I could think about was how I needed to do this, and I needed to do that. None of it was coming from a heart of obedience, it was coming from a heart of pride.

But here I am again today, crying out to God, telling Him I’m not THAT person. I’m not the leader He wants…and here I am again today, humbled by Him, knowing that even though I am not worthy of His calling, He has still called me.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. Revelations 3:20

However the thing that stood out to me the most was that all of my results were charted on a graph and I was placed into a “percentile” (lovely) to show where I “measured” up. This is why I HATE these survey’s, or tests. They like to put you in a pool of people and compare you to them. Where is the individuality? Basically the consensus was I clearly had a weak area, but all the other areas were kind of mediocre. I was average in just about everything, and if I wasn’t average I was below average, HA!

This is bothersome to me because I had been feeling like I’m not really GOOD at anything, and mediocre is my way of life. It’s discouraging. I want to be able to focus on God and His call, and I want to be good at it in a way that He created me to be, in my own unique way. It’s frustrating when you have so many responsibilities and very little progress in moving forward.

One thing I did gather from this is inspire was my highest, even though it was only by one point, and I know it to be true, maybe it’s time to focus on improving that area. I plan to get some books to help bring it out more, and another things I gathered from this is to surround myself with people who make up for my weaknesses, or mediocrity, lol!

Right now it’s about being intentional. Even though this stamp of mediocrity had been placed on my heart, I can now work to improve in the areas that I am gifted in, it’s just a matter of knowing what that area is, and now I know…

So I’m faced with the dilemma again, I thought I had already come to terms with my commitment to what I am doing right now. I’m committed to God, my husband, family, & ministry. But you know what? I’m tired of having to keep on proving that. I’m tired of having to fight, fight, fight for what I know is true and believe in.

Why is there so much resistance? I’m tired of the resistance. Whenever I am met with resistance I really need to evaluate how much I am committed to this ministry, but right now it’s difficult to fight for it. I just want to cave. I just want to give up, again.

Even in the resistance God always sends His still small voice. Of course all the other LOUDER, negative, voices drown His out, but He is still there. Oh how sweet it is to hear my own husband say “Keep doing what you are doing.” The times when I do have my doubts I think on what my husband says, and I know those words are a gift from God.

Sweet, encouraging words. That is where my focus needs to be.

I’m not going to give up this time, I have already made up my mind around that. I just need to stay focused on the sweet encouraging words that God sends my way through His precious servants!

So much has happened, it’s difficult to cover everything. God has certainly been showing Himself, supporting, and encouraging me. However lately I will admit, it hasn’t been enough for me. Which is silly, but right now I am struggling with anger.

You see there are a lot of critics out there, and a lot of times I can see where they are coming from, and I do have compassion for them. I can often relate to what they are going through because I have been there myself. However what I don’t understand is the hateful and critical words being spoken to me without them even knowing ME.

In ministry when these words are spoken to me I feel like what I do sacrifice isn’t good enough, and that’s where the anger comes in. I think about all the time I spend away from my kids, how much my husband works to support us, and all the work I have to do in order to make the ministry what it is, and I do it out of the sheer desire to serve God. Nobody is getting rich off of this, I do get fulfillment out of what is produced and the encouraging words from others. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather just be a mom, and sometimes that is what I wish for, especially when people make certain comments or when rejection comes.

I am on a mission for God, but it makes me ANGRY when people make negative remarks because I feel like it belittles all that I do. There is probably a bit of resentment there, too. Lord knows I don’t want to resent this ministry. But the Lord also knows that my passion for it is dwindling so very fast, simply because of occasional comments and mean words.

That’s another thing that frustrates me, the negative is a very small fraction of the positive. But the negative is ALL I see. Why can’t the positive be good enough? Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not good enough?

It’s a tricky world out there. You can’t please everyone, and I’m so frustrated because I know this but I still wish I could. I know the truth, but something inside my heart is holding me back from embracing that truth, and I’m not sure what that is…

I guess that’s always been one of my weaknesses – success. The lure to be successful at something, to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. I guess to have proof that I have accomplished something, living proof, like a piece of paper in my hands saying “I did this.” would be nice. Being a mom doesn’t always come with proof or a piece of paper saying you did well, or you did not do so well. It all will reveal itself in time, but even then once my children grow up, their life will be a reflection of the choices they make, and will not completely reflect the time and effort I have put forth to being their mother.

I see men everyday building their successes on the back of their woman. This is not something that is wrong, however to a woman this can become disheartening at times. I can’t imagine the wife whose husband went to school to become a doctor doesn’t feel as if her sacrifice was more than his, and yet she doesn’t get a piece of paper rewarding her for her sacrifice.

I know I felt this when my husband went to school. He didn’t become a doctor, but through the many days he spent at school, work, and studying, I began to feel as though my sacrifices would never be acknowledged.

Could it be that the measure of a woman’s success is by whatever her husband accomplishes in life? Behind a good man is a good woman for sure. I know that any man who is married and has been successful at anything certainly has a wife at home supporting him, making sacrifices for his success.

That’s what the Proverbs 31 wife is:

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

I’ve seen what a man can become without a wife, and I have seen what a man can become with a good wife.

I guess it’s OK to live in his shadow at times. My husband does acknowledge my sacrifices so that helps. But there are times when I just see so many woman making so many sacrifices and it just speaks to my heart.

I respect them, and I pray that their reward in this life is a husband who respects them and loves them. I pray that their children grow up and are blessed, because the sacrifices they make aren’t easy. They will never get a piece of paper acknowledging their success in this life, but hopefully the loyalty and admiration of their husband will be enough of a reward.

Just the other day the sting of wanting another baby was so very real. To be honest my heart is over the waiting, but with every step we take to move forward the waiting will always be a factor.

As for my husband being on board with the whole idea of a baby, his words are “God is moving us in that direction.” We recently put the cost of a vasectomy reversal on the “financial plan” which probably won’t happen any time soon. But at least it’s on the financial plan, which is a HUGE step further in the right direction. But it’s more waiting.

Once the vasectomy reversal is done, there will be more waiting, I am sure. All my online research is saying expect 1-2 years before everything is a GO. Well I know God is bigger than that and it will all happen according to HIS timing, but again waiting. Whether it happens in 1 month or 2 years, I will still have to wait, not knowing WHEN it’s going to happen. Then when it does happen, guess what, more waiting! I mean it takes 9 LONG MONTHS to grow a human being!

I’m not really sure why God gave me the heart and desire to go for this. I feel like it has been me fighting for another baby every step of the way. So many times I have wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. How can you give up fighting for another baby, especially if that’s what God has placed on your heart to do?

People deal with this every day. I guess I’m just not use to this. It still stings. But I will say this, a year ago I thought we were being shoved off a cliff and the possibility of having another child would NEVER happen. Well one year later and somehow God turned that cliff into a sky dive towards His plan and purpose, making it even more possible than it ever would have been before to have another baby. He did this in ONE year. I can only imagine what He will do with this next year.

One thing is for sure, He is certainly moving us in that direction, and I’m starting to get impatient. This usually happens when we are oh, so close to what He has planned for us.

But you know our feeling like an outcast is really based on the lifestyle we have chosen, and I have to admit a lot of the times I question whether or not this lifestyle is really the best lifestyle. But in all reality, we try to live our life the best way we know how in order to honor God. He has blessed us with so much, and we feel the desire to give back as much as we can.

God really does take care of us. This whole discontent with feeling like an outcast is really getting to me, because that’s exactly what it is, discontent. And it’s beginning to affect everyone in this house.

It’s hard to live a life where you are trying to honor God with your money, or commit to training up your children according to God’s word. There are so many times when I just want to walk into Target and buy everything to my heart’s desire. Everyday I wonder if homeschooling is really what’s right for our family, and for our kids. I dream of putting them on the school bus so that I can get 6 hours of peace every single day.

But I don’t believe that’s what God has called our family to do. So right now I am just praying through the discontentment. I am trying to be there for my husband, because frankly, I know how he feels. It can be overwhelming at times, and I need to do what he has done for me in the past…and that is make me realize at how blessed my life truly is and just keep moving forward with what God has called us to do.

It’s not easy, and we are surrounded by a world that doesn’t quite see things the way we see things. Sometimes I think we put the pressure on ourselves, but you now I’ve seen God come through for us so many times that it’s hard to turn away from it.

I firmly believe in the promises of scripture for those who fear the Lord. I want to live my life honoring God because I respect Him for Who He is, and that includes being obedient to the call He has placed on our family, and that includes whether or not it’s in line with how the rest of the world lives their life….even when we feel like an outcast…

For so long my husband and I have been having the same fight over, and over again. But yesterday I witnessed an amazing breakthrough, it has been something I have been praying over for quite some time now. It was hard working through each fight and only getting the same result. Often times the only thing I could do was pray about it because arguing about it never did any good.

Through a couple of rough weeks, we have had some major breakthroughs, and when I first realized what had happened my heart was filled with joy. Another prayer being answered. God is listening to me, and my husband IS changing. I am changing…or am I?

I find it so difficult to adapt to the changes. My husband is clearly a different person, God is working in his life everyday, and here I am unable to believe that. I can’t even believe it. I still see the old husband, and that is where I need to change. I need to stop assuming things are what they use to be when they are not.

But this adapting to the new isn’t something new for me. Often when I lose weight I get scared – I don’t know how to act or respond to these positive changes in my life. I’ve worked so hard at living with the negative.

The biggest fear I have about losing weight is the unknown of what it will feel like, or how am I going to act. Will I be different? I picture myself skinny, but depressed lying on the couch because I am not me anymore.

I hate change. But when it finally happens I am excited.

In the Bible is says that Jesus would heal the sick according the their belief in Him. I pray for the healing knowing that if it is in His will to heal it, He will. What a fool I am, the healing happens right before my eyes, and here I am clinging onto the old because I don’t know what the new will bring. I don’t doubt that the Lord can change a persons heart, I’ve seen it happen many, many times. Not to mention what He has done in MY life. But I find it hard to step into the new, and let the past go.

It’s some form of control. I’m tired of trying to control everything. I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of thinking that everything is in my hands.

I just want to let it all go, and give it to God. But it’s just so hard to do…I keep reverting back to the trying to control everything so that I will be safe. But my salvation is in the Lord, not me.

Lyrics to How He Loves (David Crowder Band):

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way:

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.