For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how a pen feels against the paper as I write. I remember looking for a reason to write. I would write notes to my friends in school, or letters to relatives who lived far away. Or I would find a to do list to write out, and I would rewrite it until it was perfect.

I am careful about the kind of paper I buy, and I do have a favorite pen which I feel a bit giddy inside whenever I purchase a new package.

Even though I still love writing out my to do list countless times until it looks nice on the paper (no mistakes, and is has to be organized.) I have found my writing has become a lot more meaningful.

About four years ago my time with my pen and paper became my special moment with God. Thoughts would flow through my mind and onto my paper. It was how I processed what I was learning in the Bible, and I was learning a lot considering I was a fairly new follower.

Recently my desire, or urge, to do this type of learning or writing has come back. I look forward to the time I have with my pen, paper, and my Bible. It feels good to just have those moments where it’s just me, God, and my two friends (pen and paper.)

I don’t know, I think back to my past and think about how I have always had this built in passion for writing and for actually making a life of purpose. It just makes me think how God has always been at work in my life and He has always had a plan for me.

If you don’t believe in God, please just know this…in your heart I know you can feel a sense of purpose, like your life is meant for something bigger. Well guess what, it is. And the One who gave you this life, and your purpose is there with you even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like my 5 year old tells me: “God believes in you.”

You may not believe in God, but He does believe in you and He wants you to believe in Him. Finding your purpose in Christ will be the only purpose that fulfills that longing in you heart, and it will turn your healthy obsessions into something purposeful!

However for some reason I can see the open doors but I’m not motivated to walk through them. It’s like God is literally showing us the way to go, and yet I am not willing to go there. I can see Him waiting for me and all I can do is look at Him and say “I’m scared.” or “I don’t FEEL like it.”

Can you imagine saying these things to GOD?

I honestly feel like such an idiot. How can I do this. I know that God understands though. He has to understand. Some of the things He wants us to do IS scary, and exhausting, not to mention stressful.

They require some sacrifice too, which I have been struggling with. I’m beginning to realize that this life isn’t just about my enjoyment, and in order to follow God and His will for my life it requires a great deal of sacrifice on my part. It’s called taking up your cross.

You know I often complain that there are too many “no’s” in the Christian faith and I DO struggle with this, but you know when I sit back and think about Jesus and the sacrifice He made for ME and YOU I just simply sit back and shut my mouth.

I don’t think God is trying to throw anything in my face, and I don’t feel like He is annoyed with me. Honestly I see a God who is a bit discouraged. Of course He can see all the beauty that will come from our sacrifice, and I can see it a bit too, however oddly enough that doesn’t motivate me.

What motivates me?

The desire to obey the Lord. I know what life holds when we are disobedient to God and His word. I know what my life was before I knew the Lord. All the blessings in the world will never motivate me more than the sheer desire to serve Him, and the fear I have in the Lord.

Yes, I do fear the Lord and I don’t think that is a bad thing. He is GOD. He can, and one day will, destroy this world for HIS glory and to further HIS kingdom. We can deny this all we want. But GOD is GOD, and I do fear Him. But I also know out of my fear comes obedience, and God offers MANY promises to those who fear Him – in other words those who RESPECT Him and OBEY His word.

I’m not motivated by shiny things, because the shiny things will one day go away. But I am motivated by my fear in the Lord. I respect Him and want to show my respect by obeying His word and moving forward, with His guidance, to the place He wants me to be.

What motivates you?

I think all rejection is difficult to accept and can make anyone angry or bitter. When my mom was 6 years old her mom left her and my mom’s three siblings leaving them with my grandpa to raise. I know that a lot of my mom’s siblings are still bitter and angry about what happened even though their mother is now deceased.

For me though I experience rejection through people I wish I could know better. I do experience rejection in other areas of my life, but when it comes to family I am blessed. Is that to say I’ve never experienced rejection from family members, no. But right now I’m glad God has surrounded me with a great family that loves me.

But when it comes to people in my church, or even people I do online business with the rejection is all too often. I think it burns more when it’s people you want to fellowship with. When your fellow “Christian” rejects you, I think the sting is pretty deep. Lately it seems like this is the case – rejection by other Christians.

Sometimes your too Christian, or not enough. It’s sad I think. But my biggest battle with rejection is learning how NOT to grow angry and bitter. I find that my attitude towards those I felt rejected me has been an attitude of “I don’t like her, or her, or her.” and I stick up my nose and go the other way. That’s not me.

Rejection hurts, and whenever it happens I think I really need to ask God for healing. I thought I could get by with my confidence rooted in God and by focusing on all of the people I DO have in my life. But none of that takes away the pain that rejection brings, no matter WHO has rejected you.

So I count my blessings, and praise God for bringing so many great people into my life. But along side this praise I also need to ask God for healing – that I haven’t done yet – but I am now. Lord Jesus please heal these wounds left by rejection. Erase all the bitterness and anger in my heart. Help me to love my enemies. – Amen

It’s amazing watching God move these past 6 months. And now my husband and I are doing a Bible Study together about discovering God’s Will. Well it’s been interesting, and through it I can really see that God is up to something, what He is up to I’m not sure, but like my husband said “Whatever it is God is preparing us for, I want to do it.” We have already said “yes” to God.

But then there are moments in the journey where you feel like you are messing up God’s plans for your life. You see Him working, you praise Him, then you turn around and you mess up. It’s a nice little reminder that you are human and can’t do this all on your own.

I hate those moments where I make a mistake because it reminds me how far I have to go. I guess there is really nothing more to do than to just stop trying to rush it and go through whatever it is that comes our way. And even though it may feel like a set back, it’s really just God making known what needs to be changed.

It’s definitely a long journey, and sometimes I just want to rush through it, but right now I just feel like God is telling me to take my time and trust in Him.

Honestly when I read this I felt a bit of relief because it kind of meant I’m not this horrible mother who has no idea what she is doing! I’m NOT A FAILURE – w00t! Not to mention I had been feeling this urge to let go of her more and more, and just let her learn from her mistakes and let God do HIS work in her life.

With this I have been praying and crying a whole lot more. So often I forget that this time is precious and that I am raising adults. Our kids aren’t designed to be our children forever, and honestly I want my baby girl to grow up. That’s one thing that has been on my mind, she needs to grow up. Maybe I’ve sheltered her too much, but I only do this because I SO DESPERATELY want to protect her. But I can see now how God can work through and help to grow us through some of the hardest times in our life. I will be the first one to admit, my oldest (or any of my children) haven’t really had to endure too much adversity.

I mean sure there life isn’t perfect, but I know so many other children (not to mention my childhood) have a life that is FILLED with adversity. I’m not saying that a life FILLED with adversity is the answer, but I will say that some stress DOES help to develop our immature minds.

This mom thing is tough stuff. And really it just seems to be getting harder and harder, and yet I feel more peace. I am learning to just let go and let God when it comes to my children.

With the teen years just around the corner (she will be 12 years old in just a few short weeks and she has ALWAYS been one to develop ahead of schedule!) I’m feeling a bit frustrated and insecure in what life has in store. I also have a few regrets. I regret not taking this parenting thing so seriously when she was younger. Oh how many opportunities I have missed out on developing a relationship with her. But I didn’t know better back then, and of course my two younger ones will reap the benefits of me learning from my mistakes.

But my heart aches for my “baby girl.” I just want her to know that I love her, and I want her to feel like she can talk to me.

Why is it that as parents we work so HARD at being the mom or dad who has it all together. We vow to do everything we wish our parents had done for us, and yet we still haven’t got it all together. We still fail? How can that be?

As my Baby Girls birthday approaches I can feel this sense of moving into a new chapter in the parenting book. During all of this it just pushes me to continue on being a mom who is always learning. I want my kids to know that I love them, but most of all, what burdens my heart the most is I want them to KNOW JESUS.

I want them to have a heart that is FOR Him and a life that is meant to glorify HIM. That is the greatest burden on my heart, and with 3 kids, that burden can become overwhelming at times. Simply because there really is no formula on what I can do to help guide them in that direction because it’s not completely up to me. It’s up to God. All I can do is PRAY, continue in growing MY relationship with the Lord, and let God move in their little heart’s. That’s really all I can do…

1. Think too much.
2. I question too much.

The days have seemed a lot more complicated lately. I wonder, and wonder what God is doing, and what He has planned. I question should I be doing this…or that with my life?

When something goes wrong, I try and figure out why it went wrong and what lesson I’m suppose to be learning from it.

You know, for some reason I think and act like the fate of this world is teetering on whatever decision I need to make next. I’m afraid to make the wrong decision. I just want to get it all right, and I want to be doing everything God wants me to do.

This is all wrong in so many ways. I am not a god. I really need to stop acting like I am one. It’s time for me to once again climb down from my pedestal and stop TRYING to be every thing to every one.

The only thing is I can’t find the balance between trying to do too much, and not doing enough. Especially when it comes to moving forward. If I’m not constantly pondering every little move I make, then I usually get comfortable and don’t move at all.

I really would like the peace that comes with seeing where everything is going from here. You know about a 18 months ago I was thinking about how our life had come to a stand still – no real change in any direction. Then I started really thinking we should make some changes, BIG changes. We made some, and it seems like that first step towards change has truly rocked our world. It’s made it not so boring anymore.

I’m just wondering how do you enjoy life when you have no idea where it is going? My focus needs to remain on God, but for some reason I think I’m just trying to cling to Him rather than do anything else. It kind of reminds me of being a child riding their first roller coaster, being so scared you just bury your face in your daddy’s arm because you are just so scared to look. But at the last minute you open your eyes and you have the most fun ever, then at the end you want to go on the ride AGAIN!

I can sit here and say I don’t really know what God wants me to do, but I’m not sure that would be entirely true. I think I have an idea of what He wants, but most of all I feel Him calling me to especially communicate more with my husband. I really think He’s not revealing everything to me because He wants me to turn to my husband, and He wants us to move forward together.

That’s one thing I do know about God’s will for my life. He wants me to join forces with my husband in order to walk through this life. SO you see I guess I DO know what God wants me to do, but I’m just so scared to do it I just want to bury my face into His arm until the ride is over…

Not just with me, but with my husband as well. Sometimes I wish I just knew what to do, but that’s not making itself apparent at all. I’m not really sure what God wants us to do.

I know that this year is definitely a year of changes. But I really think it is wearing down on my husband for sure. He has just been very stressed out, angry, discontent, and so much more. Which worries me because it is NOT like him.

If you met anyone who actually knew my husband then they would tell you he is laid back, patient, and just very mellow.

Part of me welcomes this new side of my husband, simply because his mellow side almost feels like apathy. It almost felt like he didn’t ever really care.

But now it does. He feels engaged with our life and he is taking more responsibility in leading this family. Which is what God wants, and I know that it needs to happen. It’s been a huge focus of ours, my husband taking up the leadership role in our home. It hasn’t been easy, especially for me. It requires a lot of trust on my part, and a lot of work and dedication on my husbands part.

He is still growing in His walk with the Lord ( who isn’t?) and sometimes he just doesn’t know WHAT to do.

Part of me thinks this is why I just don’t know what to do….I think it’s just time for my HUSBAND to seek out God’s Will, not me. I have ideas, and I make suggestions. But ultimately it’s my husband who needs to see what God wants for this family.

This is difficult for me. I’m just so use to receiving the revelation from God and moving our family in that direction. I’m finding it hard to just REST in my role as wife and mother. Wife being I am my husbands helper. Mother being I am my children’s teacher and nurturer.

On Monday I found peace in this role. Ever since then I have been trying to get it back.

I have so many ideas and a heart to further God’s Kingdom beyond my home. However I am not sure if it is God’s plans for me to do so. Life is just messy right now. We don’t really have a stable ground (and by stable ground I mean MONEY!) to stand on. Maybe that’s what the Bible is talking about when it comes to the foundation of sand. I guess money really isn’t a real foundation you can every really rely on.

Not really sure where any of this is going. But there has been a real problem here lately, and I’m having a very difficult time figuring out what that problem is!

When we first started on the journey 14 months ago I was afraid. Afraid of how we were going to make it financially, and of the sacrifice the entire family was going to have to make in order to accomplish this goal.

But we did it. We did it because we felt like God had opened that door. Given it was certainly a mountain we had to climb, and I didn’t really know WHY God had opened that door. But the more we move forward, I’m beginning to see more and more of the WHY.

The theme that is really just playing in my mind and my LIFE right now – don’t give up. I have seen Christ’s strength in my life so much these past 14 months – probably the MOST I have ever witnessed in my entire life or my entire walk with Him. We have had difficult times in the past, but some how this time was different.

I’m seeing now, that there is a lot of stuff I thought I couldn’t do, but I was able to do it….and I didn’t lose my mind, and I’m STILL ALIVE! HA!

My marriage is stronger because of it, and that alone made it all worth it.

As I sit and think about everything else that will be “difficult” – I just keep thinking about what we, as a family, just accomplished.

Life is a race. It is about endurance. The key for me right now, is to learn how to enjoy the race and not keep looking towards the finish line.

I still believe, that no matter what, God is good and He has great plans for this family…

It used to feel so good when we were blessed and I knew the blessing was there to stay. Or when I just KNEW what God had planned for our family, and it felt even better when I could see God moving us in that direction.

I use to be able to count on God’s blessings, and guidance. But after my husband found out information about his big pay cut this year, my confidence has truly been shaken.

I crave to hear His voice once again and know that it’s HIM. I want to know “What next God?” I want to be confident in Him again. I want to live my life like I use to, fearless of whatever comes my way, and confident in the Lord’s gifts and promises.

How can we go through this life without ever really having our confidence shaken? We know that trials will come our way. I guess my confidence has been shaken because everything I thought I had known to be unfolding didn’t seem possible with all that was happening in my life.

But then I sit here and see – it’s all moving forward. A lot of the things I wanted to do, but was afraid to do after the pay cut, we are still doing. But I still feel like one of the biggest moves for us is being threatened around every corner. It has been since last year. So many times I thought, this is it, it may NEVER happen.

I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my husband’s wall he had up towards the whole situation, now that wall is down. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my personal health problems, but that was found to be a false alarm. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of money, this huge set back we faced at the beginning of this year, but it seems like things are still moving in that direction.

Recently my husband went to the Doctor for some digestive issues he’s been having. He needs to go for more tests, and the Doctor thinks it’s something a simple surgery can take care of, but there is always the possibility of it being more….and the more is what scares me.

I think about the “what if” and it makes me mad. It’s all going back to not being able to do what I think God wants us to do, and it’s really shaking up my confidence.

I keep thinking about a quote I heard:

When things feel like they are falling apart, they are really just falling into place.

I have to believe that GOD is up to something! He is moving us forward, shifting around what needs to be shifted around.

I’m also praying that whatever my husband is going through – that it’s not serious. How wonderful it would be if it was easy to cure. I just want him here with me. I need him here with me. We have so many things to accomplish in order to further God’s Kingdom.

There have been just so many things happening lately – my confidence in God is truly fragile right now.

Prayer Request: If you all could please say a prayer for my husband’s health, I would so greatly appreciate it! Thank you!

It’s not my place to say who is Christian enough. I’m not going to judge anyone. But I will say that anyone who judges other Christians, bashes them, criticizes them, or belittle them is wrong! Does that mean you’re “not a Christian”, NO! But it does mean your wrong. Wrong is wrong, right is right.

I’m tired of reading CHRISTIAN books that say Christians who homeschool their children are LIVING IN A BUBBLE! I’m tired of reading blogs that make fun of other Christians and mock them. I’m tired of it all.

But most of all – it’s all very confusing! What does it really mean to be a Christian? What does Christianity look like?

If I’m confused then I’m sure the non-believer is also confused! I can tell you one thing Christianity is NOT what it is being portrayed on the internet or in some books. Yes, people make mistakes, but it’s getting to be a bit ridiculous.

More and more Christians (both liberal and conservative) are looking more and more like the world, and it’s sad. You know sometimes I WISH I could live in a bubble, but I know that’s not what God wants. But you know it’s not easy being different.

Praise God though that my little life – made up of a mom (me), a daddy (my husband), and three kids can be my safe place. We are all working to be in line with God’s will for our life. If people can’t stop and see that, and instead criticize it, then so be it.

I am just so confused…being a Christian is more difficult among other Christians. The non believer accepts my beliefs more than the believer does…