It’s not my place to say who is Christian enough. I’m not going to judge anyone. But I will say that anyone who judges other Christians, bashes them, criticizes them, or belittle them is wrong! Does that mean you’re “not a Christian”, NO! But it does mean your wrong. Wrong is wrong, right is right.

I’m tired of reading CHRISTIAN books that say Christians who homeschool their children are LIVING IN A BUBBLE! I’m tired of reading blogs that make fun of other Christians and mock them. I’m tired of it all.

But most of all – it’s all very confusing! What does it really mean to be a Christian? What does Christianity look like?

If I’m confused then I’m sure the non-believer is also confused! I can tell you one thing Christianity is NOT what it is being portrayed on the internet or in some books. Yes, people make mistakes, but it’s getting to be a bit ridiculous.

More and more Christians (both liberal and conservative) are looking more and more like the world, and it’s sad. You know sometimes I WISH I could live in a bubble, but I know that’s not what God wants. But you know it’s not easy being different.

Praise God though that my little life – made up of a mom (me), a daddy (my husband), and three kids can be my safe place. We are all working to be in line with God’s will for our life. If people can’t stop and see that, and instead criticize it, then so be it.

I am just so confused…being a Christian is more difficult among other Christians. The non believer accepts my beliefs more than the believer does…

It’s been something that has been happening for awhile. I just don’t get it! I keep telling myself it’s happening for a reason, but I still don’t see it. A lot of the things we are depending on can only be brought forth by God.

Of course I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I really don’t want to wallow here.

God is revealing himself to me in many different ways, but not the ways I would like Him to. It almost feels like He’s not there to hold us up anymore, but just when I’m thinking this He does something that just says “I’m still here.”

I keep telling myself to be patient, and keep the faith. But it’s difficult when I do this and nothing happens. Or it doesn’t go the way it needs to go.

I guess we are just struggling right now, and I know we’re not the only ones. Thinking it must be something in the air.

Lately there has been so much frustration because nothing seems to be going our way. It just feels difficult, like there is really no one on our side. I know this is taking on the victim mentality, and I hate it. But sometimes it’s difficult to understand this stuff when you have no idea what is going on.

Even if God did reveal to me what was happening, I’m not sure I would have enough confidence in that revelation.

There are times when I think I can see where God is going with all of this. But then it doesn’t go that way. So I get confused, frustrated, and really discouraged.

I have to admit I’m a little angry at the situation right now. Right now we are going through a lot of stuff that was not caused by our own doing, it’s all completely out of our control. We’re trying to keep a good attitude, but I’m very tired, and so is everyone in this family.

It’s been a rough 5 months. I’m not sure when it will get better. But I am working to cling to what I do know. Reading the Bible and praying is what grounds me in this moment where it feels like my entire life has been shaken all to pieces.

I wanted to connect with someone. But who?

I mean I have three kids, and I had to pick up my husband from school. Lately, many of my days have been spent lying on the bed, crying, because I just want my husband home. But when he did come home it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still discontent with the loneliness I still felt.

Today at Bible Study we talked about emotions. I knew that once I arrived home, and I was feeling so anxious, I needed to figure out why I felt the way I felt.

Yes, I wanted to connect with someone. I love Bible Study BECAUSE I get to connect with other Christian moms on a spiritual level. I needed to connect with those around me more on a spiritual level.

But it’s difficult. Why? Why am I so uncomfortable with connecting with others (in real life) on a spiritual level. Why is it so uncomfortable to talk to my husband, my kids, about God? It must be them…or maybe it’s me.

It’s me. I’m afraid to talk to them. it’s easy to hide behind a computer and type out my thoughts, and not have to see the other persons face. I’m courageous, ready to be the person God wants me to be. I have no fear behind this computer.

I guard God like He is MY most prized POSSESSION. Although He is not mine to keep. God is about giving. Why do I hold onto to God, like if I let Him go He won’t come back. I know why, because I need Him. I rely on Him for everything!

I am forever, hopelessly, dependent on God. But when I hold on to Him so TIGHTLY it prevents me from receiving more of Him. God is so big, and so great, if we are going to grow and mature then we NEED to share Him with others. God cannot be contained. He’s too big for walls, a jar, a heart. Nothing can keep Him enclosed. God’s love has no boundaries.

When I hold onto Him with tightly closed fists…It’s not Him I’m holding on to. God can’t be held back. He has a plan, a mission.

The other night I had a dream that my daddy God went on to His mission – without me. I was devastated! He still called me, on a cell phone. But I was heart broken because I knew that my daddy was going to stay there, oh so far away from me, that I would never see Him again. Unless I went there too. He still would tell me how much He loved me. But that was where He needed to be.

In the dream there was another person, in the form of my mother. She was with me. I believe she represented the Holy Spirit. God never left me. The Holy Spirit was with me. But I had a choice to make. Will I go where my daddy was or stay right where I was. I decided to go. When I got there I met with the Holy Spirit again, and she cried! She was over joyed that I was there.

Will I go where God needs me? Will I stop holding onto Him like He is my possession. God is not anyone’s possession.

I am HIS possession, not the other way around. I don’t have to hang onto Him, because He is hanging onto ME!

I was reading one of my personal journals awhile back, and I found the entry where I wrote “I think God wants us to have another baby.” That was 3 years ago…

The “baby” hasn’t gone away. In all honesty I feel like EVERYTHING we are going through right now is due to this “baby!”

Recently I started a Bible Study at my church and my prayer before the Bible Study was that mine and my husbands heart become aligned with God’s will for our life, and in particular, God’s will about “the baby.”

For so long my prayers have consisted of “Change my husbands heart.” or “God change MY HEART!” But neither of those prayers have been answered. Then my husband has been praying for his heart to change…I really just think we need to align our hearts with God’s will. I believe all of our hearts are in a different place right now.

But the desire to have another baby has not gone away, but I will say my desire for my husband and I to be on the same page as God is greater than the desire to have another baby. I still feel like it’s God’s will and I will learn to trust in Him.

But the last few weeks have been difficult. It’s been filled with a lot of trials. I refuse to blame anyone right now. It’s not what God would want. I think we all need to take ownership in the part we play in every situation.

But today has been difficult…and yet full of understanding and revelation from God. My prayer for now is to just know HOW to be the wife God wants me to be. There is certainly a change going on in our life, and even though change is difficult, it ALWAYS brings me hope.

I’m not sure when everything just got up rooted in our life, but I’m thinking it began when my husband started going back to school. We only made that move simply because it was a door that was opened for us so we went through. We knew it would be difficult, but we did it anyways in hopes that we were being obedient to God.

Well now the past 4 months has happened, and he will be done with school. I can’t even tell you how things have just fallen through, it really feels like the floor is collapsing beneath us. I can only wonder what God is up to.

I am really tired though. I’m tired of the lack of support I have. I’m tired of the people he works for showing poor leadership skills. They are messing with people’s lives and families, and they don’t even care.

What does God want from me? Does He want me to forgive? Be patient? Work more? Be still….?

I don’t know what God wants. I wish I knew why all this was happening. I hate not knowing. Maybe it has something to do with control, but I do trust God and that’s one thing that has been reinforced through all of this. I even trust my husband a little more too…which is a breakthrough.

I mean I get it, I can’t control everything. Actually I control NOTHING, I get it. Why does God insist on proving it…in every area of my life?

My plans are like nothing, ha! Just so ridiculous, I hate planning anymore. Because when I plan, hope, and wish it never goes the way I want it to, and that makes me so upset.

I’m just tired. I feel weakened, and I just want to sit here and just let life happen to me. I can’t fight it anymore. Whatever happens, happens, I guess…

Doors have been opening, and I just went through them knowing that what I would be asked to do isn’t something I am necessarily “good at.” But I went anyways because it was an invitation that seemed out of the blue and I had been praying for God to open up the doors.

Also I just started a Bible Study at Church, and honestly the book we are reading is a bit overwhleming. Not only do I not have a whole lot of time to add another Bible Study to my list of things to do, I don’t really care for the book. It’s different, and honestly it’s difficult for me to really relate to the style of writing. I think the book is definitely speaking truth, but in a different way than I would approach it. So it’s hard to relate to the book. But I committed myself to it because I really want to be apart of a Bible Study group at my Church.

I’ve thought about quitting both of these opportunities to serve the Lord and grow in my relationship with the Lord. It just seems so overwhelming, and I don’t really feel like *I* am gaining anything from them.

However I am at a point where I don’t think I’m trying to force anything when it comes to serving God, I’m trying to wait and see. I want to be still and serve without wishing to receive anything in return. If this is what God has brought to me, if this is the door He has opened, I want to go through it with an open heart.

But I have to be honest, there are moments when I have no idea what God is up to, and I just show up. I show up because I know God wants me there, but I don’t know why He wants me there. I am at a point where I want to serve God even if I am scared, or don’t feel like serving Him. This is when I need to just go because God says go. This is where my life is at right now. I go because He says go.

• I live because He says live.
• I serve because He says serve.
• I write because He says write.
• I speak because He says speak.
• I shut up because He says be quiet.
• I say sorry because He says I should.
• I forgive because He says He can’t hear my prayers through my un-forgiveness.

I do because He says do. I show up because that’s where He wants me to go. Even thought my heart may not be in it, and deep down inside I might be wishing I could be somewhere else, I show up. Sometimes obedience requires you to just show up, and then everything else will flow from that obedience. Obedience doesn’t always feel good, nor do we desire to obey all the time, but God promises to bless those who obey Him.

So my advice to anyone who asks, would be: If you feel like God is calling you to do something, and you don’t really feel like doing it. Just do it. Just show up. Even if your heart’s not in it, God will see that you have put your “self” aside and obeyed Him simply because you love Him.

I think showing up is certainly an act of love towards God.

Today I was hit with some news that just seems like terrible timing, but before I could get all down and out about it, something came over me. All I could think of then was that it wasn’t bad timing…it’s perfect timing, God’s perfect timing!

I know that God is not out to get me. It’s amazing what we remember when we know that God has great plans for our family, I know He does. He has put so many desires and dreams in my heart, and I know they are HIS dreams for my family and I. All I can do right now is think about how all of this is God’s perfect timing. All these changes are moving this family forward to where He wants us to be.

This year is going to be the year miracles happen, and we truly see what God can do for us when we obey Him. I told my husband the other day, there is disobedience in this house and that the conflict we have been going through will not go away until we obey the Lord.

We have been saying we want to live a life for Christ, and yet we both have been stalling on moving forward with that commitment. Not to mention we haven’t been looking to God for everything. On certain things we’ve been hanging onto because we were afraid to let go.

But lately my husband and I have been really just forced into obedience. I hate to say forced, because honestly it’s what I want. I want to obey Him. Maybe God is just helping us align our lives with our hearts, because I know that my heart is wanting to serve Him more and more. I want my life to be about Him.

How do I know it’s God? Because everything that has happened to us within the last 4 months has been completely out of our control, and they haven’t been all bad things! There has been some amazing provision just within the past month that can only be described as a miracle, it was totally God and it was beyond what I had thought God could do. But He did it.

The bad things, for the most part, have been totally out of our control as well. We can’t control what other people do. We can’t prevent my husband from getting a pay cut, we have no control over this. We have no control over the transmission going out. We have no control over these things. We can’t control the weather. We can’t control a virus. I mean we can take every precaution, but unless we are willing to live in a bubble, life is going to happen to us. A lot of things beyond our control has been happening a lot for the past year!

It really makes you wonder what God is up to, but I know it’s Him because it has moved us forward, not only in our walk with Him, but also in our relationships. It has helped to grow this family. God has something big planned, I can feel it. He’s just working to move our lives forward. I just need to keep trusting in Him.

I will admit though, I’m afraid just a bit. I know God can do anything He wants. I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of what He will ask me to do. I’m afraid of what other bad things can happen. I’m afraid I will lose faith in Him, and therefore lose HIM. I’m afraid if I lose Him then I will have to learn how to live without Him again. I don’t want to lose God. I think that is my biggest fear, that something bad will happen and I won’t have the strength to deal with it and I will stop believing in Him, and His plan just won’t be clear to me anymore.

There are some things I just can’t explain or understand. Honestly those are the things I fear the most. I fear them because I feel like the one thing that could get me through, if God forbid something that bad ever did happen, I won’t have anymore.

I guess if there is one thing I do know, God is in control, and even though bad things may happen, He is the only one Who can get me through those difficult moments. I know that God is good all the time. It’s upsetting to know that so many people are suffering, but it’s good to know that the One who created the universe is there to help us through everything life throw our way.

That hit me, write all the time. You know that doesn’t make me feel too overwhelmed. I LOVE to write, and I have no problem with God telling me to “just write.” But you know, writing, doesn’t pay the bills.

What I’m mostly scared of: I will have to find a job and I won’t be able to stay home with my kids and homeschool them.

I want to be a stay at home mom, and I really feel like God has truly called us to homeschool our kiddos. I know it was God, because it certainly wasn’t anything *I* would have even considered.

You notice how God calls us to do things we wouldn’t normally do? Yeah, that’s the story of my life, haha!

So that’s what I feel like God is just calling me to do – just right – all the time. Or whenever I get the chance. And it helps to write whenever I get the chance. There is so much floating around in this brain of mine, that writing is a bit of a sanctuary and a way for me to get these thoughts out so I can focus on my other responsibilities.

So writing it is,and I will trust for God to provide. So far, so good. No one is starving yet, and our bills are paid, so I guess that’s a good start.

Well this week I finally overcame that fear, and you know what it hurt so much. I mean, I felt physical pain for saying goodbye. However I did learn a lot about myself in this. One thing I learned, I was only hanging on because it was the ONE thing I felt like I was good at. It was the one dream that I finally accomplished. I was successful.

I have problems with feeling like a failure. So many dreams I’ve had in the past and I have failed at them. Even the things God is calling me to do I feel like such a failure at it. Being a mom I feel like a failure sometimes, and don’t even get me started on being a wife.

But I know that failure doesn’t mean I’m not qualified. God says I’m qualified so I show up. I do my best. Sometimes I fail, but I get right back up. Through my failures I learn, but most importantly I become STRONGER.

I can see how much stronger I am now. I can feel it. Yes the fear hurt me, but I was STRONG enough to move past it, even though it hurt me. Right now, I feel like a conqueror, but I know I can only feel this way because of God. Because of His strength.

He gave me strength. How? By letting me go through trials. I know that a lot of don’t like to go through trials, myself included. But truly the only way we will become stronger is if we go through, not go around, or over and under. No, we gain strength by going through the trials.

Through my trials I have learned to always trust God no matter what. Through every conflict I become stronger, and I have learned to face my fears in order to be obedient to God.

Yes there are times when I feel like a failure. But TODAY I feel like a conqueror!