Hope for Hunter

A peek into my dark and twisty mind

2012-02-14T07:47:00.003-05:00

I'm not proud of what I'm about to share, but because I know there are other micro preemie moms and those who have lost an infant reading, I'm going to. Most of the time, I can keep my worried and anxious thoughts at bay. Learning that we are having a girl has made this pregnancy that much more real to me, and therefore.. that much more worried about possible unhappy endings.

I've bought her a couple of things. Tiny little sleepers and an adorable little dress with leggings. Despite Hunter being less than 2 pounds at birth, my brain has moved on from that scale, and I'm just as amazed and enamored with tiny newborn clothing as any other pending mama. No matter that Hunter would have fit into a leg of a newborn sleeper. :) I can no longer imagine having a baby that would fit into those tiny outfits (let alone smaller.)

Her room is waiting for her. We haven't yet decided what color to paint, but Chris put the second crib back together. He had taken it apart one day while I was at the NICU visiting Hunter, when I'd told him the night before that it made my heart hurt to walk into the nursery and see the two cribs waiting when we only had one son left. It's actually really nice to see it set up again, albeit by itself instead of in its intended pairing.

The two times I've purchased clothing for this new addition, I've kept the tags on, and left the items in the bag I bought them in. I put them in her crib, just like that. Here's where the dark and twisty part is. I can pass off my reasoning for leaving tags on, receipt ready, bags still intact, because what if she's born and is really a boy? One never knows, right? Har har.

That's not why.

I have a history. That history has brought me the most amazing child I could ever hope to have had the privilege of being a mother to. But it means that I know too much. I know too much about what it would mean to deliver early. I know medical terminology, I know half of the NICU nursing and physician staff, and I know how to get cheaper parking and affordable meals at the hospital.

Many women celebrate "V-Day," also known as Viability Day. This is the 24 week point, at which hospitals will make every effort to save a baby if he or she is born at this time. It's a relief to many women to know that as of that moment, they're that much more likely to bring a baby home. They don't often know or think of the reality of such a tiny baby.. it's just a relief to feel like you're past that milestone.

V Day has a very different meaning for me. I know what 26 weeks looks like. I'd rather see it in the rearview mirror. 26 weeks is NOT a celebration for me, it's a fear. 24 weeks? Even more so. I look forward to knowing that we have a chance at a take-home baby at 24 weeks.. but we lost Parker after two more weeks gestation time. There is no comfort for me in 24 weeks. I have dread and anxiety just waiting around for that time between 24-32 weeks or so, where many of the major preemie issues lie.

I will be grateful for every day past 26w3d that I get with this wee lady. Every moment. But that doesn't stop my fear of history repeating itself. That's the scenario I know. That's the birth story I know. My mental ties with pregnancy equal long, drawn out hospital stays and an urn full of ashes on my mantel. It's not dramatic, it's my reality. It just.. is. And as much as I hope and pray and wish for a new, brilliantly happy outcome, my brain continually reminds me of how things went last time.

So back to my tiny little pink outfits, sitting in bags. They're not still in the bags because she might end up surprising us and being a "he." They're not still in the bags because we might receive a bunch of other tiny little pink outfits, so I might want these items in bigger sizes. They're still in the bags because that way, I can easily return things if I come home empty handed. Once you've had a micro-preemie experience.. or once you've lost a baby.. or both.. I don't know if you can ever feel there is a point where you'll feel "safe."

Not until that baby girl is at home, in the crib, with the bags of clothes on the floor. Healthy. Full term. With dimples and little rolls of fat on her arms.

19 Week Pregnancy Update! It's A....

2012-02-11T20:07:00.002-05:00

Well, people, I'm definitely starting to look pregnant. I had a checkup on Tuesday at 19 weeks, as well as our anatomy ultrasound. The good news is...

The GREAT news is that she looks healthy! I have to go back in two weeks for another ultrasound, as there were a couple views of her heart that we couldn't see due to her positioning. Nothing looked wrong, from what they COULD see.. but she had turned and wouldn't turn back, so they just simply couldn't view what they needed.

It's been so surreal finding out that we're having a daughter. I had thought early on it was a girl, but then decided that it didn't matter either way and became pretty unsure about what we were having. Chris maintained the entire time that it was a boy, and to be honest, I was fully prepared and expecting for the tech to tell us that it's a boy. When the tech said, 'GIRL'.. I was really, really shocked. And very, very happily surprised.

This was a win-win situation, really. We'd have LOVED having two little boys.. but this is amazing too. Different, but amazing.

So anyway, that's the big big news. :)

As for me.. we're not really feeling much of any movement yet, but I learned that I have an anterior placenta again. That will significantly dull how much I feel her movements for a few more weeks yet. I look more pregnant than fat this week, so I guess that's an.. improvement? I'm still under the weight I was when I got pregnant by five pounds or so, so that's good.

Yesterday and today, my lower abdomen has been feeling very.. tight. Clenched, almost. It doesn't come and go. It seems to be when I sit down after being active for a while, and that clenched feeling settles in. I'm not a fan, but it's not cramping and there's no spotting. In my worry, I asked several mama friends of mine who have reassured me that it sounds normal, but that I'm totally within my rights to call or go get checked. I went to bed last night hoping to feel less tightness this morning, and thankfully, it had loosened up slightly.

I wish pregnancy could just be easy and painless and all wonderful. Then when something felt uncomfortable, it would be obvious that something isn't right. I'm not complaining about being in discomfort.. I just wish it wouldn't screw with my mind. :)

17 week pregnancy update

2012-01-27T08:54:00.002-05:00

I'm home with Hunter today (he has a fever but seems to be acting fine) so I thought I'd document how the pregnancy is going at this point. Many people have asked how I feel this time compared to last time, or when I started showing last time, when I felt the babies move, and I realized that I kept really crappy records. All with good intentions, likely, but crappy records nonetheless.

(I just went back and looked, and apparently my belly popped out at about 20 weeks, and I felt definite movement at 21 weeks. I had an anterior placenta with the twins, though, so that would delay feeling movement to later than usual.)

Anywho, I feel pretty good these days! The morning sickness seems to be long gone, I have my appetite back (yay/eek) and other than just being a bit more tired than my non-pregnant self, I can't complain. I DO have to watch how much I pick up my 30-ish pound kiddo, and just try to get down to his level more often to compensate. (Or make Chris carry him up the stairs. Ha!)

Baby's size: A large onion.

How Far Along? I was 17 weeks on Tuesday, so today is 17w3d.

Weight gain: Oh, this is fun. LOL I'm actually still below my pre-pregnancy weight, as I lost about 15 pounds between morning sickness/nausea and the stomach flu. So I've only gained about 5 of that back at this point. I'll take it.

How's sleep? Sleep this week is hit or miss. Last week, I had an AWESOME week of sleep. This week, we're back to waking up several times a night. Not to use the bathroom.. but either just random waking or because Chris is snoring. Either way, the snoring makes it harder to get BACK to sleep. I'm still most comfortable on my back when falling asleep.. I don't feel that sensation yet that told me my back-sleeping days are over. This is probably due to the fact that I was carrying twice the fetus around last time. :)

Maternity Clothes? I can still wear non-maternity pants, as long as they're not jeans. But I DO wear some maternity work pants and maternity jeans. My regular shirts are getting.. shorter, though. The selection of regular shirts I can wear is getting smaller.

Food cravings: I can definitely say that this pregnancy, I have cravings. They're usually quickly sated once I eat whatever it is, but lately the cravings have ranged from grilled cheese to rocky road ice cream. I still haven't had my rocky road, though, and it's driving me bonkers. It's on the grocery list tonight. I'm probably a little too excited about that.

Food aversions: As with cravings, these seem to be all over the place. I'm still not a huge fan of meat, but I'm not a big meat eater when I'm not pregnant. It doesn't bother me to see, for example, Chris eating a steak.. I just don't want any. I find that I have a general aversion to food in general until I find the thing that sounds really GOOD at that moment.

Symptoms I have: I'm tired, as expected. The iron supplements I take tend to cause some bowel stoppage, so that's fun but manageable. My skin WAS all pimply, but this week my face has cleared and my skin feels softer than usual. My hair seems to be growing faster, and is appearing both thicker and more limp at the same time.

Stretchmarks? None that weren't there before. :) I'm not really showing yet to the point where I look pregnant.. at this point, I still have the look like I've been overeating for a few months. It's hawt.

Appointments: My last appointment was last week, at 16 weeks. No ultrasound, just an office checkup. My blood pressure was pretty low, as usual.. 100/70 or 100/60 I think. The nurse used the doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat, which was fun. No protein or sugar in my urine. All good. I also got the results of my first trimester screening back, which screens for Down Syndrome and a couple fatal genetic issues. The feedback I got was that my risk for having a baby with Down Syndrome at my age of 30 are 1:280, but with the blood work, that risk is reduced to 1:20,000. Good news all around. The next appointment is at 19 weeks, when we'll have the big anatomy ultrasound and find out what we're having. Yes, we're finding out.. neither of us wants to wait.

Movement: Nothing I can call definitive yet. I had some bubbly feelings the other evening after dinner, but I can't be sure that was the baby and not my digestion. I can't wait for it to start, but I'm patiently waiting (for once) since I know it didn't start for a few more weeks last time. I forgot to ask if I had an anterior placenta again, so until I know otherwise.. I wait.

Belly button" Still in, where it belongs. :)

Gender: We'll find out a week from Tuesday! I felt early on pretty strongly that it's a girl, but then started feeling more like I had no idea. Then Chris piped in to say he thinks it's another boy. So I don't know what to think, other than I oddly have no preference. I'm more concerned with going full term than with whether I can buy little dresses or not. :) Either way, this is likely our last kiddo.

Highlights of the week: Dinner out with my friend, after which we went to the maternity store and tried on a bunch of stuff with the fake bellies. (She's not pregnant and indulged me by trying on a maternity shirt with the belly. It was pretty amusing.)

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out what we're having, and going to bed tonight. It's my favorite time of day.. LOL

What I miss: Not much, from a pregnancy standpoint.

So that's it, folks! We'll see what next week brings.. I'm trying to take each day one at a time and appreciate that I'm still pregnant. :)

No one can predict the future

2012-01-12T22:33:00.002-05:00

I have a new job. Today marked one month since I started. Same company, different location, longer commute. I now work 45 minutes from home, which equates to an hour in the morning when I factor in dropping off Hunter at daycare. The up side? I work a steady schedule, and am home by 5pm every night. I no longer have to stay late for clients, work Saturdays, or feel like I need to stay an extra hour or two to do checklists or return phone calls.

Well, I spent my entire morning commute in to work today planning how a potential NICU stay would have to be planned out if this baby comes early. The whole thing. Who I'd ask to come and hang out at our house several nights per week, so that Chris would be able to go to the unit and see the baby. I could still go during the day.. drop off Hunter at daycare and then go right to the hospital. (My commute is to an office that is a mere five minutes away from the NICU where we were/would be, so it's no surprise that the commute would bring up these thoughts.) I could come home, get dinner ready, have dinner with the family, put Hunter to bed, and once that day's help arrived to hang out while he slept, Chris and I would return to the NICU.

The idea of planning weekends was really throwing me when I realized how in depth I was thinking about this. It reminds me of back when Hunter was in the hospital, and the doctors would call a 'family meeting' in that little room, during which we would discuss his progress and prognosis. I'd come home, head reeling from all they'd said, trying to figure out if our house would be wheelchair-friendly (because he'd never walk) or what schools in the area would accommodate severe learning disabilities. Check Google for Cerebral Palsy. Find blogs of other kids like Hunter, and what their outcomes were, what they looked like.. if they looked normal in current blogs, had they looked 'strange' when they were younger? And on and on and on.

All of this from a doctor's suggestion of a 'possible' outcome.

And today's train of thought from the 'possibility' of another early birth.

I'm a planner. A thinker. A researcher. And more than any of those? I can find something to worry about, and planning helps me to cope with and organize those thoughts.

But now we have Hunter. Hunter reminds me on a daily basis that doctors don't know everything. The internet? It can be wrong, and very often is. He is his own story, just like this baby and this pregnancy will be its own story. (Sorry to the baby for referring to it as.. well.. it.) Hunter has given me perspective in more ways than I even know yet.

Every smile, every giggle, every new word reminds me that no matter how much I tried to plan our future.. Hunter has his own plan. No doctor can predict his future, even with a diagnosis, a syndrome, a shunt.. none of it.

And you know what? One of the biggest parts of having perspective that I appreciate the most?

I like Hunter's plan a LOT better than anything any doctor tried to 'prepare' us with. And that no matter what happens.. we'll adapt, and find ways to play, be happy, and be the family that I've grown to love so much. The same way we would have if things were worse, or if they become worse later.

Perspective. Better than any spreadsheet. Better than any Google results.

Hunter and His Motoring

2012-01-08T23:46:00.007-05:00

Well, first, an adorable photo of my adorable Hunter.

That is the little ride-in car that Chris and I got for Hunter for Christmas from my parents. There is also a wagon, but we're not taking that out until it warms up a bit. The car is Hunter's favorite thing right now. When he wakes up, I'm changing his diaper, and he's asking, 'Car? Car? Car? Beep beep?' When he gets home from daycare.. first is the snack (of course..) but then, 'Car? Car?'

It's pretty damn cute.

I realized that I forgot to update on Hunter's motor skills in my last post. We're still doing regular physiotherapy, although between my morning sickness and Hunter being sick with fevers/colds, we missed a session here and there this fall. He's been making progress, though is not yet walking.

He crawls in a four point crawl (hands and knees) about 90% of the time now, as opposed to exclusively army crawling. He's also cruising along every piece of stable furniture he can find. He has been able to pull up on his own (with furniture or holding on to a person) but, until this weekend, wasn't able to get down by himself. As I'm sure you can imagine, this made for a bit of a safety hazard.. not so much at home but at daycare. There are 5 kids per adult in his classroom, and with him cruising around everywhere, there sort of has to be someone ready for when he wants to get down. However, his finally starting to lower himself to the ground this weekend has been a long-awaited milestone.

On the 19th, Hunter will be casted for orthotics. AFOs, to be exact, which will help support his feet and ankles. The main issue is that his ankles roll inward quite a bit when he weight-bears, and his right is quite a bit worse than his left. While getting these braces have been somewhat of a controversial decision, we think that the braces could be the bridge between crawling and walking. I think.. no, I KNOW Hunter could walk on his own in the near future, but lacks the support and confidence to get going.

What's the controversy? Well, the idea of waiting longer for braces is to give Hunter's own muscles a chance to get stronger as he makes more efforts to walk. Wearing the braces gives him the support instead of letting his muscles do so. However, if you saw the kid stand in bare feet.. we think letting him stand like that is doing more harm than good. In addition, we have also been told that they braces are thought to be a temporary measure: give him the support and confidence to get walking, and then wean them away until he's walking under his own muscle strength.

Thanks to the government of Canada, the cost of these braces is largely subsidized for those who medically need them. (By the way.. who would choose to purchase or wear them if they weren't?) Anyway, the cost to us out of pocket is going to be about $1000, between the braces and the orthotic shoes. I only share this to give other parents whose child may be facing a similar need know. The braces are typically updated about once a year, as the child grows.

Hunter will be casted for them on the 19th, and will get his custom braces in February. We'll then start having him wear them for short periods, easing the time upwards that he has to wear them. I'll post pictures of them (and Hunter wearing them!) once we get them. :) As much as I don't really like that he needs another type of device (other than his shunt).. we still want to give him every chance and advantage to make progress.

In pregnancy news, the cat is fully out of the bag at this point. I'll be 15 weeks on Tuesday. Other than a sinus cold (that's plugged up my ears) I feel pretty good. I've been feeling a lot of pinchy, stretchy.. not really 'cramp' feelings.. but friends have advised me that as long as there is no spotting (and there isn't!) that things are just growing in there.

I don't really remember anything from my pregnancy with Hunter and Parker except the end of it. Well, I remember having to crawl up the stairs for the last few weeks before delivery. And I recall getting a lot of pelvic/crotch pressure/pain after walking about 100 feet in the mall. But I thought that was normal for a pregnant chick. Apparently not (or not that early, at least.) And THAT is why I was a wee bit nervous about the pinchy not-crampy stuff I was feeling. Thanks to good friends, drinking more water, and taking an easy weekend, I feel much better about things.

And your reward for making it through all of that? Another Hunter photo, of course. :)

Merry Christmas, and may I introduce...

2011-12-24T22:56:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's been a long time since I posted. Too long. But I had things that I wasn't ready to talk about yet.

Hunter turned 2 in November. We had his party at our house, and it was awesome. The kids kept each other entertained, everyone mingled, and we saw family and great friends. Hunter did great, and got some cool stuff!

He's getting SO big. He's about 28 pounds, and.. I can't remember how many inches tall. 50th percentile for both height and weight. He's had several haircuts (it looks like a bad toupee when it gets too long.)

His smile still melts my heart. He asks to give me hugs and kisses now. He's formed an attachment to a Paddington Bear stuffed animal that my mom sent him.. he calls it 'Baby' and NEEDS to hug and kiss it each night before going into his crib for sleep. When he gives hugs, he either rubs your back, or (more recently) pats it gently.

Hunter has also formed a friendship/bond with our dogs. He knows them by name, calls them in from the other room, and wants to pet them, hug them, and give them food he no longer wants. They lovingly tolerate all of these things, but especially love when he calls them to his high chair. The dogs are WELL aware that means they're getting food. It was cute at first.. but now we're trying to nip that in the bud.

Hunter is currently obsessed with, in no particular order, phones, doors, and the Christmas tree. He doesn't like to touch the tree though.. too prickly. He will open and close a door fifty times in a row if we had the patience for it.. and would gladly keep going. He's also enjoying remote controls, or anything with buttons, really.

He has quite a few words these days.. I'd say more than 50. He's just starting to use two word phrases.. 'Bye bye Daddy,' 'Hi Mama,' and.. I'm drawing a blank.

This year, he doesn't really 'get' Christmas yet. I know other 2 year olds who are excited about Santa, and presents.. not Hunter. Next year will likely be a lot more magical.

And now for the big reason I haven't posted.

I'm due July 4th, which my Canadian friends think is very American of me (like I chose it..) We're thrilled. There is only one baby this time, but I'm still being closely monitored by the same high risk clinic that saw me with Hunter and Parker. I'm about 12.5 weeks along.. so just easing into the second trimester. Essentially, this week, I will be halfway to the gestation I delivered the boys at. Eek.

So that's why I haven't posted. I didn't want to share here until family knew (and work.) And I didn't tell work until after my 12 week ultrasound.. but if I posted about anything, this would have come out. Not to mention, from week 5 to about week 10 I was feeling pretty damn miserable. And when I finally started feeling like me again, I got the flu. Blah. I got over it, then Chris got it.. he's over it now, but I have a cold. It never ends! :)

Yes, I'm already thinking about Christmas cards

2011-10-29T20:05:00.005-04:00

Yes, I know that it's not even Halloween yet. But come on. It's snowing in New Jersey right now, and even though I'm up in Canada (with no snow yet, I might happily add) Christmas is on my mind.

We had a photo shoot last week with the AMAZINGLY talented Jill Promoli, and I've got to say, I cannot WAIT to get going on our Shutterfly Christmas cards. We used them last year, and we were SO SO happy with how they turned out. My entire family is at least 500-1000 miles away, and so despite my proclivity toward procrastination, I HAVE to send out photo Christmas cards.

Here are a few of the designs I'm liking this year. Their collection is ridiculously extensive, but I kept coming back to the same cards.

Now, for Christmas 2010, we didn't just do cards from Shutterfly. I also sent my parents desk calendars, with an awesome selection of Hunter photos. Of course, I had to order one for myself.. and they received theirs before mine came in the mail (Canada Post can be.. slow sometimes.) When they called to gush over it, I sort of brushed it off. I mean, it's just a calendar. You're welcome, no need to go goo-goo-ga-ga over it.

But then mine came in. And OMG. I was beyond impressed. It was not 'just a calendar.' I get more comments on that calendar each day at work than.. well.. anything else. So if you're in the market for an impressive family gift.. check out these desk calendars. You and those who receive them will love them, I promise.

And for those that have more patience than I, I'm told by a number of friends that Shutterfly has some pretty great quality photo books. Sorry, grandparents, you're not getting a photo book. :)

Once the cat's out of the bag (meaning, post-Christmas) I will post some of the pro shots. They are AMAZING.

It Won't Ever Go Away.

2011-10-10T00:34:00.003-04:00

I was driving home from work on Friday, listening to the radio, admiring the leaves changing color. Fall is my favorite season, despite it meaning that winter is close on its heels. Then I realized what song was playing. It happened to be a song that was popular around.. November 2009. I know this, because it was a song that played almost daily on my twice-daily NICU trip, 45 minutes away from home.

People ask me all the time if I still think about that time, or if it bothers me. And of course, I think about it.. but more in a 'that was so long ago, and such a small slice of my life' sort of way. I take Hunter back to the hospital where he spent 17 weeks learning to breathe, eat and grow, and I'm fine with it. I've even been back to the hospital where I delivered now and then.. and despite it having more of an effect on me than where Hunter spent his NICU stay.. meh. No biggie.

But man, play me a song or two from that time, and I am completely immersed in the feelings and in memories of our life at that time.

I belong to a preemie message board, where the majority of members are like me.. they have a child (or children) who were premature, and who are toddlers or older by now. Now and then we get a new member. We have one now, as a matter of fact, and her daughter is in the NICU, fighting the good fight. She's asking questions about desats and bradys and blood transfusions.. and while I know we're the ones who can tell her best, who can reassure her and give her the best advice, the questions to ask the doctors.. at the same time? I just want to tell her that it's all normal, and that two years from now, she'll be watching her preemie do things she never dreamed to think possible back then.

But that a song can come on the radio and push her right back into that dogged exhaustion, fear, love and dedication.

Crazy, right?

The subject of having another baby comes up pretty often these days around here. Some people seem surprised that we would want to try again. They ask how closely I'll be monitored the next time. (yes.) Then they reassure me (themselves) that it's all going to be JUST FINE next time. That we'll have an uncomplicated, full term pregnancy and not have to go through that whole experience again.

And while I'd love to jump on board with that theory.. the other part of me rises up in fierce defense. I'm not broken. We did it once, we could do it again. Hunter IS perfect, even if not full term. Yes, we deserve it to go 'right' next time, but look what we got out of it last time.. how can I deny that amazing things come from messed up plans?

But then another song comes on the radio, and I'm back to rainbows and unicorns, pretty fall colors that keep me optimistic. We know more now. We know the signs. We know the process. It will all be okay. And if it's not? We'll all be okay anyway.

Want to see some dimples?

2011-10-01T15:18:00.002-04:00

Who doesn't want some dimples in their life? I've got lots to update on, including my experience at the She's Connected Conference for Digital Women that I attended in Toronto. But until then, here are some totally adorable photos of Hunter. :)

Filling Out Disability Forms

2011-09-12T12:04:00.000-04:00

Hunter is a total blast to spend time with these days. We've had a virtual learning explosion this weekend, and it was ridiculously fun to see how he would learn and RETAIN something I said to him only once. More on that in the next post.

We continue on our journey with prematurity with as much positivity as possible, applauding every new accomplishment, and knowing the next will come eventually. We've stopped comparing abilities to age charts, knowing that Hunter will do things when he is good and ready, and not a second before. It's a pretty good headspace to occupy, and the new developments just keep on coming. The fruits of our hard work are finally coming to bloom, and it's awesome.

I spent my free time last week filling out disability paperwork for my almost-two-year-old kid. In a way, the conversations around this are akin to the 'glass half empty' saying. We've got a completely wonderful coordinator working with us now, whom we met through the daycare center Hunter attends. The center is trying to get an additional person in Hunter's room for three hours a day, to help ensure he has the help he needs to be included in the room's activities. To do so, this coordinator got involved, and she's been nothing but awesome.

People have told us over the last 18 months or so that we should look into what the government offers for funding. When we were first home from the hospital, it was all pretty overwhelming.. being new parents, doctor appointments, follow ups, nurse visits, occupational therapy, physiotherapy, and on and on. The resources I DID look into all talked about 'severe' disabilities, using phrases like 'medically fragile,' 'technology dependent,' 'lifelong.'

Firstly, to imagine Hunter being delayed or disabled in either a severe or lifelong manner was not something I wanted to think about. Our outlook, although not entirely realistic, was pretty much puppies and rainbows. Hunter would do things later than other kids, but by two or three he'd be totally caught up!!1!

Secondly, requesting money seemed like asking for food stamps or welfare, when we both work. We are not on the poverty line. We're not rolling in money, by ANY means, but we're not living on top ramen and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese either.

So when our totally awesome coordinator started talking about government funding, I thought we'd exhausted our options, and didn't qualify for anything. At this stage, we're much more realistic. There's a very clear difference between Hunter and other kids his age (adjusted OR actual.) He doesn't appear mentally or socially disabled, but you can tell his development just isn't as far along yet as the other kiddos. And that's fine. But it also lends itself to a considerable amount of time, money, energy, time, support, and.. time?

Things started to click together in my head as I realized that filling out this paperwork does not mean failure. It does not mean we're greedy. It doesn't mean we accept that Hunter will ever lead a life less than extraordinary. It just means that the time I've taken off of work for medical appointments, therapies, hospital visits, etc.. aren't how most families use their vacation days. The therapy we do with Hunter? It's time consuming, and means we have less time to spend doing other things together as a family.

Hunter will likely need PFO ankle braces to walk. He's almost two and isn't standing yet. The fact may very well be that I/we have to carry Hunter from point A to point B for quite some time yet. And that's okay.. but it does mean that we have challenges that differ from many 'normal' families.

But filling out disability paperwork for your kid is kind of depressing. Yes, the things that have to be spelled out to qualify? Glass half empty. Are they true? Yes. Will they be true forever? HELL NO. Does it change how awesome and amazing my kid is? NO WAY. But even though I'm grateful that the extra work and time is recognized.. facing the current reality point blank is not all that grand.

9/11: Before loss and after

2011-09-12T00:56:00.002-04:00

I remember my 9/11 experience quite vividly. I was with my ex, and his birthday was September 11th. We had both taken the day off of our lovely retail store jobs to spend the day together, and were sleeping in. The phone rang. And rang again. And again. I tried hard to block it out, but it was too late. I was awake. When the phone rang for the fourth time, I picked up, and it was my mother asking if I was okay.

The rest of the day, I spent trying to calm other people down. I had to go into work, as the girls who worked in the perfume store I managed were flipping out and wanted to go home. I had no friends or family in New York City, and in my immaturity, thought it was all a bit of an overreaction. At that time in my life, news wasn't all that important in my life, and if I wasn't affected.. meh. Lovely, no?

Ten years later, I am a different person. Losing Parker after four days of life? That was my first experience with losing a loved one. Sort of a harsh initiation, in my opinion.

This year, though, with the ten year 'anniversary' of 9/11, I find myself overwhelmed by the media coverage. Where before, I ignored coverage in a misguided naivety, now I avoid it because I can't stand to imagine all that loss, all that pain.. all of those sons, daughters, friends, spouses.. it's just too much. While I know now that my flippant dismissal of such an event was ignorant and misplaced, the acuteness that I can now relate makes me wish I had my innocence back.

Innocence. Naivety. How I miss them, for so many reasons.

Why I Love Daycare

2011-09-05T23:56:00.004-04:00

My mother was a stay-at-home mom for most of my childhood. I knew that she'd be there when I got home from school everyday. She told me that raising us was the most important and gratifying job she ever had or ever would.

I didn't know if I'd have children. Growing up, I tended to be a loner, reading books and figuring out computer programs over bike riding or playing Barbies with friends. I stuck around people older than I was, related to them better, and preferred their maturity. Other kids my own age mystified me.. they seemed to be such.. CHILDREN. And when I grew up a bit, I was still dreadfully awkward with kids. Even if I had children, I figured I'd still go back to work, because I couldn't realistically picture myself as a mother.

I've also never been one to fawn over babies. When coworkers came in with their kids, I didn't rush over with the other women in the office, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the little bundle of baby. Children seemed to stare at me constantly, and I didn't make faces or talk to them. I turned away, unsure of what I was supposed to be doing.

Imagine my surprise when one day, taking a pregnancy test due to some wonky woman stuff, I was disappointed at the negative result. Chris and I were already married. We had a house. We'd talked about having children, but weren't sure when. That negative pregnancy test flipped a switch for me, and I knew one day, I wanted to be a mom.

Three months later, I was pregnant. With twins. And FREAKING OUT. For someone who'd never babysat (past one horrific experience when I was 12, left alone with my screaming infant nephew for three hours.. gah) having twins was obviously not what I'd been imagining. The idea of two babies in daycare was financially staggering. I began to daydream of staying home for their early years, having dinner on the table and the house cleaned when Chris got home. Yes, delusional. But it was the first time I actually thought of realistically being a stay-at-home mother.

The more I read about twins and multiples, the more special I began to feel. Yes, it was shocking, and scary, and it would be hard. But SPECIAL. We'd find a way to make it work.

Then the boys were born 14 weeks early. We lost Parker. Hunter had plenty of his own hurdles to jump. With only one son to bring home, daycare costs didn't seem so bad, but I knew that staying home was the 'right' thing to do, right? As the months of my maternity leave ticked away (we get a totally wonderful full year off in Canada).. I started to feel ashamed at my cabin fever. I craved getting out of the house each day, whether during the day with Hunter, or by myself after Chris got home. Even going to the drug store was like a vacation.

It wasn't because I didn't like being a mother to Hunter. Nor was it because I felt like I was 'losing my identity' as I've heard some new mothers say. I felt extraordinary pressure to keep Hunter 100% happy and entertained at his every waking moment. And let's face it.. that's pretty damn near impossible. I started to hope for naptime, so that I could have an hour to myself. I would either nap too, or I would sit, awake, trying to figure out what activity I could do that was quiet enough to not wake Hunter, but active enough to distract my brain. Television drove me crazy. I exhausted the World Wide Web. Nothing seemed like a good idea anymore, but yet, I was restless. Antsy. Anxious.

(Yes, we're getting to the daycare topic in a moment. I DO have a point, eventually.)

A few months on an anti-anxiety medication, and I felt much more like myself. Able to handle the world. We went to our doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, etc.. and I was okay. By the time I went back to work, I felt good. But I also felt ready to go back to work.

After what we went through with Hunter (four months in the hospital, IVs, blood transfusions, brain bleeds, two brain surgeries, etc) I'd thought finding a daycare was going to be impossible. Could I trust anyone else with my kid? With Hunter? However, after some extensive searching, exhaustive interviewing, and some gut instinct.. I found someone I could trust. Who proceeded to ask us to find other care two weeks after Hunter started. His first 'daycare cold' turned into pneumonia, and landed us back in the hospital. Oops. Freaked her right out.

The next person Hunter was with during the day was great. It took more research, more interviews (9, I think?) but I felt safe each day knowing he was there. Then we bought a house clear on the other end of town, near where Chris and I work, and it simply wasn't practical for him to attend daycare 20 minutes away.

This last time around, I wanted stability. I wanted to find a place that would allow him the interaction he needed, but with the insight and control that *I* needed. I started to visit centers instead of interviewing private in-home providers. The first three centers I went to, I walked out of knowing there was no way I'd ever leave Hunter there. The fourth center, I knew right away, was it.

Hunter has been there since May. He's made TREMENDOUS progress. Yes, they do more for him than they should sometimes, but overall, are incredibly willing and motivated to help him succeed. And over the last few months, I've decided that not only did I make the right choice in daycare centers, but in sending him at all. The stimulation and interaction he gets while there is incomparable to what I could do at home. They swap out their toys every two weeks. They plan group activities. The kids form friendships with each other, and as the group evolves and new kids come in, they socialize each other.

I truly, TRULY believe that Hunter would not have made the amazing gains he has in the last 4 months had he been home alone with me. Yes, we'd have played. We would have gone on little day trips. We still would have gone to therapy as he does now. But taking him to daycare, he gets excited when we go up the steps. He's thrilled to come home too. They keep him busy, he's constantly learning, and he comes home tired and happy. They're integrating his 'special' services into the classroom, and we're having 'inclusion support' meetings to ensure that he is able to participate in every single activity that goes on there.

In short, it's amazing. We get to bring in the income we need, and Hunter ends up happier, smarter, and better socialized than he would have if I stayed home. Well, happier and smarter are guesses.. better socialized I know for a fact. :)

As for me? I still find it awkward to interact with children older than Hunter. His age or younger? I can goof off and be silly with them, no problem. But I think until I break the ice with new age levels with Hunter, I'll still be unsure of how to interact with older kiddos. Maybe I need Mommy-daycare, to show ME how to be better socialized.

Rare Hunter Video Footage

2011-08-31T23:44:00.003-04:00

Now that I know I'm able to post videos directly from my phone (which is where the videos live, of course).. y'all will be able to actually see Hunter in action a lot more often than you have in the past year! These are rather short, and not the most interesting thing to watch, but they show our happy little guy. :) Enjoy!!

Bringing Out The Mama Bear In Me

2011-08-25T10:54:00.002-04:00

Hunter had a little 'incident' at daycare the other day. His first day of transitioning into the toddler room, he spent about three hours over there. It gives him a chance to acclimate to the new room, the new teachers, and the new kiddos. A couple of the kids were in the infant room with him, which makes me glad that he'll recognize a face or two.

Anyway, Chris picked him up on Tuesday as usual. I came home from work and asked how it went, and Chris said, "They said HUNTER did really well." I said, well, why the emphasis on Hunter? Did something else not go well? "I'm not sure, they were outside playing and I didn't ask any other questions."

Granted, this is par for the course. I love Chris dearly, but he doesn't ask the same things I do. He doesn't ask how Hunter ate that day, or if he did or said anything new, or (in the olden days) make sure he'd pooped. The next morning, I go in and ask what I want to know, chat with the teachers, and get the information firsthand.

Wednesday morning, I head in, and I ask A, Hunter's favorite teacher, how the toddler room transition went. "Oh, HUNTER did awesome!" Again with the emphasis. I asked about it, and if that meant something else was off. My fear was that the teachers in the new room were not pleased about the additional support it would take to integrate Hunter into the room's activities. There are five kids per teacher instead of three, and they're ALL walking/running and playing at a level that is not necessarily on the floor.

A kept repeating herself in different ways, all essentially stating that Hunter did well but that there was something she wasn't telling me. When I asked the direct question, she apologized and said she can't say any more, especially around the other parents who were doing drop-off.

Now my red flags are up, alarm bells are ringing. She calls down to the director and hands me the phone. After exchanging pleasantries, the director of the center asks me if I got the Incident Report. Uh, no. What 'incident??'

Basically, there is a boy in the toddler room who is having some aggression issues. He hadn't acted out towards the other kids, until Hunter came in the room. Apparently his aggression focuses around dominance, and he saw Hunter not as one of his peer toddlers, but as a baby. He was clapping two water bottles together (they have them filled with different colored waters and whatnot) and clap-clap-clapped his way over to Hunter. And then CLAPPED the water bottles with Hunter's head in the middle.

ZOMG, internet, I was so mad that I got choked up.

So they separated the kid, soothed Hunter (who was generally unharmed, albeit a bit shaken) and are forming an action plan. Their plan is to work on moving the boy into the next room up, which he's a bit young for, but would allow him to be the small fish in the big pond. Hopefully that will rectify his behavioral issues. The reason they're moving him out and not moving Hunter to a different toddler room is that there are several other infants in Hunter's room that will be moving up to toddler rooms in the next month or two, and they don't want the kid to act out on them. Gee, I feel so lucky that Hunter had to be the one to take one for the team. /sarcasm.

At any rate, any time Hunter spends in the room while that child is present, he will have a teacher with him. In the end, this works out nicely, because one of his infant teachers will go over with him and will spend time with the OTHER toddlers. That will give the toddler teachers a chance to get to know Hunter, without feeling like they're taking away from the regular group activities.

I had all day Wednesday to think about this, process it, talk it out with a few people. The center is being as proactive as they can be, taking it seriously and all. My only concern is that we weren't told about it until the day after. Aside from the 'incident' itself, my kid has a shunt. Getting hit in the head (with ANY level of force) is something that we NEED to know about the SAME DAY. What if Hunter hadn't woken up that night, and we had NO idea why? Gah. So they're now, um, VERY clear on that. *ahem*

Regardless, Chris had no knowledge of the details yet when he went to pick Hunter up on Wednesday. Poor guy. I should have called him at work to tell him. So he shows up, and they give him not only THAT incident report, but TWO!! The second incident report was purely an accidental occurrence.. a parent opened a door without checking to see if a kid was there, and Hunter was in the way.. got knocked IN THE HEAD with the door. (Seriously??!?) It was an honest mistake, but still.. Chris got a bit bulldozed.

And was really ticked off.

Now that we've talked, processed, and had some time.. at this point, we just want to know he's safe during the day. They are doing whatever they need to do with the other boy, and Hunter is going to get the care he needs to ensure that no other child uses him as a punching bag.

Chris DID bring up a point to me that I hadn't thought about. He suggested that maybe the kid didn't hit Hunter because he's smaller/on the floor, etc, but maybe he hit him because his head is 'different.' I know we will likely have to deal with this at SOME point in Hunter's social life, but already? Gah. I really prefer to believe it's just a little bully who thinks he can push smaller kids, and that it's not about Hunter's head size/shape.

I've been told I need therapy

2011-08-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

In the last 21 months or so, I've been told that I should go to therapy by quite a large number of people. I have enough self-esteem issues that I probably could have been told this long before losing Parker, and it would have been accurate. However, when you lose a child, it's apparently pretty common to go talk to someone about it. 'It' being the grief.

I've avoided therapy for a number of reasons.

- I don't see what value there is (other than venting) in telling my sad shitty story to yet another person.

- I consider myself fairly intelligent, and have always assumed I could talk my way through therapy, giving the therapist the answer they're wanting to hear or leading me toward (thus able to hide or redirect my REAL feelings.)

- I really hate crying, but if I'm going to talk about shitty things, I'm going to cry. And then I feel weak and stupid. Which doesn't make me feel BETTER.

- And what I feel is the most important reason: 29 out of 30 days, I deal with life pretty well. And my one day in thirty that is a mess? Well, it's not ALWAYS due to the fact that I lost a child. Sure, that contributes, and some days, it IS the cause of losing my shit. But other days? Other days, I feel fat, or am disappointed in my performance at something, or I'm just having a bad day.

So anyway, we're thinking about having another baby. Not, like, tomorrow. But soon-ish. And I want to go into my next (and probably last) pregnancy as mentally sound as I can. I don't want to be an anxiety-ridden MESS and end up driving myself into premature labor. Again.

Long story short (it's already long!) I set up a therapy session through EAP at work. I didn't necessarily want to go for the GRIEF, per se, but more the fact that I have a LOT of guilt about how things turned out. Did I do something to cause such early labor? (Probably not.) What would have happened if I went to the hospital right away, instead of waiting until my water broke? Would Parker have lived? Would the boys have had brain bleeds? Would Hunter face the delays that he does? And on, and on, and on.

So I went to my first session Tuesday night. As I suspected would happen, she focused in on the grief portion of things, and had me walk through the first four days I was a mother. I cried. A lot. It happens when I tell the story with all the hard parts in it. But when I started talking about the guilt I feel? About my anxiety that it could happen again?

The message I was given is that.. it's normal for me to feel the way I do. But life is unfair. Life is unfair, and we made the best choices we could with the information we had at the time. And that even had I gone to the hospital earlier.. things still could have turned out the same way. Or worse. So.. essentially? Life sucks, and I need to deal with it.

As it turns out, the conversation I had with Chris when I came home was a lot more productive and useful than the therapy itself. Is it because Chris knows me and this therapist doesn't? I don't know. But talking with Chris about things made me realize a number of things:

- I overanalyze and overthink things. Way too much. I twist and turn situations through the hallways of my brain until they all lead back to some self-deprecating conclusion. In this case? Hunter and Parker being born so early, Parker dying, Hunter having ongoing delays.. no matter what, it's my fault, and any of the other choices we could have made would have resulted in my ideal situation. (Ha! Sounds so stupid typing it out.)

- I focus on what I didn't do, how I could have done better, or what I could have done differently.. instead of what I DID accomplish, how I rocked what I did, and ignoring what else I could have done. My current way of thinking leaves me constantly feeling like I don't do enough, like I disappoint people who depend on me, or like there was always a better choice. Essentially, I have such high expectations of myself that I sell myself short every.single.day. Even when I have an awesome accomplishment, I immediately turn my thoughts to what's not done yet or what I could have done better.

Apparently, I need to just give myself a frigging break. And this, I got from talking to my husband, not a random therapist.

At the moment, I don't really want to go back to the therapist. It was emotionally draining, and let's face it, I can tell MYSELF that life isn't fair. We had a really bad thing happen. And maybe it's not my fault.

Hunter and his therapy

2011-08-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

I know that I mention it in passing, but I figured I'd do a post about the therapies that Hunter attends. Receives. Needs. Enjoys? (Sometimes.)

Because Hunter was born 14 weeks early, had major bleeding into his brain, was diagnosed with Hydrocephalus.. which led to him having a larger than average head.. we've got some delays. Now, don't get me wrong, I love him fiercely and with a mother's passion that I didn't believe would ever affect me. But the delays? Sometimes they're pretty hard to deal with. As a parent, you never get pregnant thinking you're going to have a child that is anything but at the front of the pack. When things go differently than you'd imagined, it can be a slap in the face to see friends or relatives whose kiddos are younger, yet farther ahead than your own child.

Anywho, because of these delays (gross motor, fine motor, eating, speech, etc.) Hunter has Physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy, and is starting Speech Therapy in September. The hospital where Hunter was born was AWESOME at getting us referrals to the proper agencies and evaluators.. mainly due to his prematurity and other risk factors for delays. Apparently, some parents want some time and space before jumping into therapy.. we were quite the opposite. We went gung-ho into therapy, and within about two weeks of getting home, had our first Physiotherapist visit.

Ever since then, Hunter goes at least biweekly (and at times, weekly) to physio and occupational therapy (henceforth to be referred to as PT and OT.)

Physiotherapy (PT) focuses mainly on helping Hunter with gross motor skills. Because of his heavier, larger noggin, we had quite a task ahead of us. It was MONTHS and MONTHS before he was able to lift his head from the floor by himself. We would do 'tummy time' and he would lie there like a lump on the floor. A very cute lump, I admit.. but for a while there, it seemed like he'd never roll, let alone crawl, sit, stand, or walk.

The PT worked with us to figure out ways to not just motivate Hunter to move on his own, but exercises we could do with him to strengthen his trunk and neck muscles. Months and months passed, and he began to lift his head from the floor, just enough to clear it. We had to be right there, because his stamina was very low, and his head would go THUNK to the floor if we weren't quick enough. Week over week, his head would lift a smidgen higher, stay up a millisecond longer. Then he rolled. Other kids his age (his CORRECTED age) were sitting, or even crawling. We were still supporting Hunter's head like a newborn, his neck still not strong enough to support the weight of his head yet.

Hunter was able to sit by himself around.. 19 or 20 months old. Or, if you preder, 16 or 17 months corrected. After he crawled. Army crawling was around.. 14 or 15 months, I want to say. (Pardon me for not looking.)

He's still army crawling. Amazingly enough, he does a standard four point crawl if he's within a very specific, only-Hunter-knows-how-far distance. He does a high kneel to reach up for things, but resists standing. He just doesn't have the confidence or leg strength yet. Poor dude.. we spent so long on trunk and neck muscles that his little noodle legs need to catch up. They will, though. They will.

Occupational Therapy (OT) involves helping with essential life skills. Fine motor skills: pinching, grabbing, placing things in or on, playing with purpose (instead of just banging things), and eating. Elimination/potty training is in there too, but I don't want to think about potty training yet. OT was also a HUGE help to us in the gross motor area, as for infants, OT and PT pretty much focus on mainly gross motor. His OT is ridiculously proud of Hunter and his progress.

Speech Therapy.. (ST).. this starts in September. I've heard kids find it fun. Hunter talks up a storm at home (much of it babbling, but more words every day) but is practically silent at daycare. I'm not sure if he's so distracted and busy there that he forgets, but from the moment Chris picks him up until we lay him down for the night.. blah blah blah blah blah. :) It's adorable.

As Hunter grows and develops, our therapy needs will evolve. So far, I've been pleased with the attention I've received when I request it. And I'm thankful that Ontario offers children like Hunter the therapies he needs, at (so far) no cost to us. If he needs more intense or frequent therapy down the road, we might encounter some costs. But, as always.. we will continue to do whatever we need to do in order to give Hunter his best possible chance at an awesome life. :)

Back On WeightWatchers

2011-08-22T21:00:00.000-04:00

In other news, I've started Weight Watchers again. My attempt in January was a big fat failure.. I just had too much on my plate to pay it the proper attention. Let's see.. I had just landed my freelance writing job, we were fully in Rush Renovation mode to get our house on the market in time to catch the student investment bubble, I was newly back to work and struggling to get back in that mindset.. and we were also looking for a house. Hunter was recycling a funky cold, and we were already on our second daycare. My brain didn't have room to keep track of (or care about) what was going in my mouth.

Let me tell ya, people.. don't wear stretchy pants to work all the time. You know why? When you don't wear pants with buttons and zippers, you don't realize when they start getting tight! Stretchy fabric pants? They just stretch right along with you! Imagine my surprise (and dismay) when I went to put on a pair of jeans and.. uh-oh! They no longer button.

I resisted for a couple of months. I made excuses, I made promises to myself. But the pants? They just got.. smaller. Well, no, they didn't. But I certainly wasn't getting any smaller. So either the pants that I wasn't wearing were shrinking on the shelf, or I was going in the wrong direction.

Finally, I broke down and bought two new pairs of pants. In a larger size. Which happened to be TWO SIZES bigger than the pants that fit in December. Lovely. Those pants? I bought those new pants in June, and THEY DO NOT FIT. Nope! They're now too small. WTF have I been doing to myself? (Rhetorical question! I know what I've been doing.. I'm just pissed at myself for letting it happen!)

So yes, I'm back on the Weight Watchers wagon. It's been going well so far (I started last Tuesday.) I weighed in on Friday, and was down three pounds. Water weight? Perhaps. But I'll take it.

Adventures in Crockpotting (Gluten-Free!)

2011-08-22T00:05:00.003-04:00

Chris' diagnosis last October of Celiac Disease meant a lot of things changed in our house. Initially, I said I would also go gluten-free, and we eradicated our home of any product that contained it. Gluten is derived from wheat, barley, and rye, and is very, very sneaky. Food manufacturers often use misleading labeling practices, and it's quite easy to overlook a source of gluten (unless you know what to look for.)

Despite my efforts, we remained completely gluten-free for only a couple of weeks. I caved. I'm openly addicted to carbs, and even though I tried to only eat gluten-containing foods outside the home, it quickly crept back in. We were also starting Hunter on cereals at that time, the majority of which contain gluten.

Thankfully, Chris has found the transition not nearly as difficult as I would have. He can still eat most fresh meats, rice, potatoes, and vegetables. Almost all convenience-type foods are out, as many preservatives include gluten. No more gravy or cream of whatever type soups, as gluten is used to thicken liquids in the form of yeast extract. Add to these restrictions the fact that for the first 8 months or so, Chris was also completely unable to tolerate lactose (or milk) products.

Our dinners have not changed much. We typically eat chicken stirfry over rice, or substitute beef. We still have breaded pork chops, but use gluten-free bread crumbs (derived from rice.) Chris has always been your standard 'meat and potatoes' guy, so this hasn't been much of a dinner adjustment for him. Breakfasts have slightly shifted, though, as gluten-free cereals are not as readily available here in Canada as in the States (but it's getting better!) We're avid label readers now. We have to be.

Some people think that by going gluten-free, Chris is making a choice. They don't understand that the one piece of pizza or regular old hamburger bun can really be all that bad. For him, it's not a choice. Or rather, he chooses, yes.. but he chooses to not feel like total and complete shit for sometimes WEEKS based on one episode of gluten contamination. Imagine being afraid to leave the house because you don't know when or how quickly you'll need access to a restroom. Oh, and that your stomach will be tossing, turning, rumbling and grumbling.. CONSTANTLY.. for days and days.. due to a single crumb.

They recommend using different cutting boards for gluten and non-gluten foods. THAT is how sensitive a Celiac sufferer's digestive system can be.

In an effort to mix up our dinners, I decided to try some crockpot meals. Low and slow, slow cooker meals offer comfort food tastes without the time commitment. With a toddler and a full time job each, we're short on time to prep gourmet meals.

My first foray was chili. It turned out really well.. but I made an error. Something in there had gluten in it, and Chris is still feeling unwell from it. At least it tasted good (and I don't even care for chili!)

My next attempt was beef stew. I was missing Worchestershire sauce.. the Canadian version of Lea & Perrins contains gluten, and I was unable to find the Heinz version (which is gluten-free.) I did the best I could, though, and it tasted good. Next time, I'd like it to be more like stew than soup, but at least the flavor was right on.

Tonight, we had Mexican chicken. It was super easy.. chicken, corn, black beans, salsa, and a brick of light cream cheese. We had it over rice, and despite wishing I'd used more chicken.. it tasted really good.

And right now, I'm making.. get this.. breakfast quinoa. Quinoa is a rice substitute. It looks kind of like cous-cous, but is gluten-free. It's actually quite good for you, and is packed with protein. This recipe has quinoa, orange juice, brown sugar, cinnamon, and called for dried cranberries and dried blueberries. Instead, I used craisins and raisins. It's pretty quick for a slow cooker recipe, as it only takes 2 hours on high.. but I'm hopeful it can replace my high calorie, low nutrition bagel with butter (or *occasional* breakfast sandwich.)

I'll post a full recipe with photo if it turns out decently. :)

PS.. Hunter has learned how to say 'Hi'.. except he doesn't use the 'h.' So it's '-i! -i!' to every living thing that enters the room. And a very enthusiastic 'Bye bye' when he (or they) leave a room. It's quite adorable. We're definitely keeping him.

Writing and conferences and speech, oh my!

2011-08-20T21:15:00.003-04:00

Since January, I've been working freelance with a completely awesome company. I found the job through a site that offers employment opportunities to stay at home (or partial stay at home) moms. The founders are two moms, and they've hired almost all moms to work for them.. and they have been nothing but fabulous. In fact, if I could swing doing this full time, I totally would!

So what do I do? Well.. I write. The company writes SEO (search engine optimized) content for a number of different mediums: press releases, blog posts, web site content, eBooks, and web articles (both for companies to post on their own sites, and to distribute to article database sites.) Different companies hire us to write content for them.. so it's a pretty wide range of topics I write on. I once had five press releases to write about.. tarps. It was hard at first, but I've found that once I get going, it flows pretty easily.

I've also found some pretty cool companies by writing content for them. For instance, one of Hunter's Christmas presents this year is very likely going to be a wooden toy box from Wood Toybox.com. Not only do they offer some pretty awesome toy boxes, they ship to Canada FOR FREE. It's hard enough finding a company that ships to Canada in general, but for free? It's seriously unheard of.

So anyway, when I talk about my 'writing'.. that's what I'm referring to. I've learned so much in the last eight months, and look forward to improving my writing even further.

Next up.. I'm attending the She's Connected Conference in Toronto this September. It's a conference held for digitally-connected women, intended to put them in direct contact with some major Canadian brands. It's by invitation only, and I was really happy to be chosen. I'm going to miss Hunter for the two days I'll be staying in Toronto, but I'm hoping this will help me network (and not just with brand reps, but with other Canadian bloggers!) It should be some good fun.

And on a Hunter-related note, he's starting speech and communication therapy next month. Chris will be taking him on Monday mornings for eight weeks, and it starts off as group therapy. After eight weeks, we have eight weeks off.. and it starts up again, over and over again until he's either school age or no longer needs help. He's got quite a few words now (more than the.. two he had six weeks ago) but is still quite delayed with his gesturing and showing that he has any idea what we're saying to him. So.. we'll see how that goes. Chris stepped up to take him, since I take Hunter to every other therapy and medical appointment he's got. While I SO appreciate the gesture and help, I almost wish I could go too, to see exactly what they're doing, teaching, and suggesting. Oh well.. let go a little, Karen!!

Getting off of the roller coaster

2011-08-15T13:29:00.002-04:00

I realize my posts have been somewhat dreary lately, and for that, I'm sorry! Things have been looking decidedly UP since the horrible, no-good CT scan day. Well, some funky things have happened, but overall? Good.

After all of that badness of the bad day of the bad CT scan.. it's fine. No surgery. Hooray! I hadn't even really latched onto the fear of surgery, because.. well.. I was in utter 'ignorance is bliss' mode. I've tried this method before, where I try not to think about a pending medical 'big deal' in hopes that it goes away, and it hasn't worked. But this time, it did!

So moving on from that.. our summer has been going well. I took a job in a new branch, covering the remainder of a maternity leave. It's in a little farm town, and the branch has a total of about ten people.. instead of the hopping suburban locale I was in for four years, along with almost thirty people. It's been an amazing breath of fresh air. New clients, new coworkers, new bosses. Not 'better'.. but different in as good a way as different can be.

I had another exam (or two).. both of which I passed.

New job means I no longer work weekends (till January, at least).. but I work till 8pm on Thursdays. This somewhat blows, but means I get to spend my entire weekend with Chris and Hunter. That doesn't blow at all!!

We're adjusting to our house nicely. For being over twice the size as our first house, it's been a little intimidating in terms of decorating. It's going to take a while, no doubt. For now, though, we're happily using the rooms we need, and will grow into the rest. We even managed to keep our summer energy bills (including central air usage) to be almost identical to half-sized house. Woo hoo!

Hunter is seriously a character. He suddenly learned to point, and constantly had his pointer finger aimed at the ceiling, ready to fire. Generally, he points to his nose, his mouth, and 'up'.. which can mean either a light or.. up. He's also waving hi and bye bye appropriately, and had realized that when he's ready to go somewhere, he can say 'Go go!' and 'Bye bye' and we're supposed to respond accordingly. (As in, let's go, bye bye!)

Hunter is starting his transition to the 'toddler' room at daycare next week. It's a two week process that I've been dreading since I started him there in May. He's been in the infant room (for kiddos up to 18 months) due to his delayed development, and has fit in well. The other kids in his current room are also learning to crawl/walk/talk, and the teachers have been just awesome with him. I'm not a little bit sad that we're going to have to make a change (regulations only allow a child to stay in the infant room until 21 months actual age, which is the end of the month.) I'm sure Hunter will adapt far more easily than his mama, as usual.

In the new room, he will take naps on a low cot (already started, with apparently no issues,) eat at a table in a chair instead of in a highchair (also done, except he has a chair with side arms so he doesn't tumble out,) and is slooooooooooooowly transitioning to a sippy cup. We've been working with our occupational therapist to move from the bottle to the sippy, but Hunter refuses fluids if he doesn't like the vessel. In the ridiculously hot and humid weather we were having, I chose hydration over fighting the sippy battle.

He's got almost a full set of baby teeth now. Molars came in a few weeks ago, in pairs. And canines have been working their ouchy-looking way through in the last couple of weeks.

It's been a great couple of months, and I'm really looking forward to fall. I've got my crockpot out, and am making chili tonight. It's been getting easier to find meals that adhere to Chris' gluten-free needs, so we're starting to get a little more varied and creative.

As for photos and videos, I have a bunch in my phone that I'd love to post, if I could find an app that lets me drop them right into a post. Hmm.. I wonder if such a thing exists!!

Roller coaster of a day

2011-07-13T00:55:00.002-04:00

I've been wanting to write a post about what Hunter's new tricks are.

I've been wanting to take more photos to show off his adorable little boy looks.

As usual, I procrastinated.. other things came first. But today.. today I need to blog about.

Here's what I wrote to some completely wonderful ladies on a private message board that I belong to:

I haven't really talked much about this.. not because I am not comfortable talking about it, but just because at this point, we're still in diagnostic mode.

Hunter's head is big. It's been stable in size for over six months now, so it's not nearly out of proportion as it used to be.. but still noticeably larger than other kids his age. Medically, other than a recurrent cold/sinus thing, he's been awesome. Developmentally.. still way behind but still learning, albeit slowly. :)

The other 'noticeable' thing about Hunter is his head's shape. There is a very distinct flat spot at the back on the right, and the back upper area of his head is still higher than the rest of his head. Shunted hydrocephalus kids often have 'high' heads, but Hunter's is only in the back.

At his last neurosurgery check-up, aside from them being quite pleased with his development, personality, etc.. they expressed concern about his head shape. You guys may or may not recall that we saw a guy about a horse.. I mean, helmet.. and it was determined that with his shunt, it wasn't advisable. AND at that point, it was so late that the correction obtained would be minimal, and it would take a LONG time. When I say minimal, I mean tenths of a millimeter.. not visible to the naked eye.

Our course of action has been to watch and wait, hoping that as he became mobile, his head would round out. (Not being on the floor so much.) Well.. it hasn't changed shape. They told us that if we didn't do a helmet, we could consider corrective surgery. We nixed it immediately, because the risks were rather extensive and we thought it was just for cosmetic reasons.

Anyway, back to the present. Neurosurgeon brings up corrective surgery again, and says that since his head hasn't rounded out at all.. it could be that the sutures of his skull fused too early. If part of the skull plates fuse shut before the rest, the skull will push out in the opposite direction to accommodate brain growth.. and could be why Hunter's head is the way it is.

I said no, the surgery was too major and too risky to consider for cosmetics. We're prepared to help him deal with the social aspects of having a 'different' head. But the neurosurgeon then tells me that it's not just cosmetic.. that with the brain not being able to grow and shift in a prematurely confined space, we could be hindering brain development, etc.

Different story. If it means the difference of Hunter leading an independent life or being able to do a major life function, we would consider the surgery. Hence today's CT scan.. to figure out if the fusion is the issue. They scheduled it for 1pm, and he could have nothing to eat since midnight last night. Nothing but clear fluids until four hours before.

He had to be sedated to stay still, and due to his medical history, they wanted an anesthetist present. The anesthetist didn't saunter in until 1:45, and there were two kids ahead of Hunter. He was MISERABLE.. cranky, hungry, bored, and didn't want to be put down. It took four people to hold him down for the IV (which she thankfully got on the first try.)

The scan itself went smoothly. They had me come in and hold him as they pushed the meds to sedate him. That was weird, watching his eyes roll back and his whole body fall limp in my hands. Not pleasant. Bad memories. Then going out in the hall, trying to keep my shit together, they rolled two other boys past that were on their way to recovery (still passed out) and I started crying. What a long day.

Anywho, results in three weeks or so. If he needs surgery.. it's pretty big. They do an 'S' cut across the top of the head, from one ear to the other, peel the skin down, saw the skull open, put it back together in the proper shape (like a puzzle), and close him up. Major risks of big bleeds, etc. I'm not a fan, but will do it if it means he has that much better of a chance. Not that it matters.. I'll always wonder if the other choice was the better one.

So that was our day. He's been fed and is peacefully sleeping now, although they told me to set my alarm and check on him every few hours to make sure he's still breathing (!) since he had sedative. Yay.

So.. yeah. It was a rough day. A day after which I was on the verge of tears at EVERYthing. I'm not exaggerating. We had the news on, and I almost cried. Then we watched MasterChef while I was doing dishes, etc.. and I got choked up when one of the contestants got all emotional because he was so proud of the dish he made. Gah.

Then the awesome happened. Chris' BFF since grade school and his girlfriend had their baby boy. Overdue, healthy, and a smooth delivery. I cried again. Happy tears, but also with pangs of jealousy that they had only happiness. How screwed up is THAT? I would never take that away.. never wish fear or tragedy on anyone.. but I wish I could just be happy for someone else without selfishly wishing it for myself.

Then Chris gets off the phone and is telling me how excited and happy his friend is, while I'm crying my happy tears, and says, "He said the baby had his eyes open, looking at him already. I didn't know that babies could open their eyes right after being born.' He said it with such innocence, because our experience is totally different. It was adorable and heartbreaking at the same time.

It really sucks that during such an incredibly happy time, we both realize how rough we had it. At the same time, it gives us hope that our experiences were just a fluke. But I'll tell you one thing.. it is EXHAUSTING feeling such highs and lows in one day. I'll be sure to update in about three weeks when we learn the results of the CT, and whether we decide that surgery is in our future. Thanks for the ongoing support, my dear internet folk.

19 Months Old

2011-06-21T23:15:00.002-04:00

It is completely BONKERS to me that Hunter is 19 months old today. Seriously.. he's almost two years old. Let me tell you though.. this kid is a MAGNET. His personality is to die for, and I know I'm in for some major trouble whenever we decide to try for another baby. Having Hunter was like hitting the kid jackpot.. no way will that lightning strike twice.

Tonight, while trying to get the ever-elusive remote control on the couch, Hunter pulled himself up to stand ALL BY HIMSELF. First time, people. We've been working on this for literally weeks at therapy.. showing him how to go from both knees to one foot on the floor, then use your arms and legs to LIIIIIIIIIIIIFT. However, every time Hunter would go to lift himself with one foot on the floor, he'd come up a bit and then sit on his bum. Or fall backwards. Not this time, though.. no sir!

We cheered very loudly for him, and he laughed and smiled and slapped the couch with one hand, as if he was clapping for himself. He stood on his own for a minute or two longer, and I told Chris to bring him down to try again. We didn't have a repeat occurrence, but Hunter is sneaky that way. He makes you think he forgot how to do something, and then several days later starts doing it as if he always knew how.

Also, this morning when I went in to bring him down for breakfast, he was sitting on his bum. He'll normally go into a high kneeling position with his hands on top of the crib rail, excited to see me, so this was a neat change. We've been working on sitting a lot lately.. and he's only been sitting independently for a couple of weeks.

That's right.. it took 18 months for my child to learn to sit independently. It's very, VERY hard sometimes to put blinders on and not see what other children are doing. But to be honest.. it took almost 10 months for him to be able to lift his head off of the ground. TEN MONTHS of having your infant a completely immobile (yet adorable) lump on the floor. Tummy time galore. Physiotherapy. Occupational therapy. All kinds of rolled towels, positioning aids, blah blah blah.

And then, after all that time.. Hunter showed us that he could lift his head. And then he could roll. The day he moved a centimeter or two forward using his arms was a HUGE day, even though his head went 'THUD' on the floor right after. We went from having his head barely an inch off of the ground for mere seconds to a child that is now pulling his body off of the floor.

So yes, it can be very hard not to compare. Not to look at the milestone charts and know your child isn't just a little delayed.. he's VERY delayed. But you know what? Hunter is doing it in his own time. Who cares that my 19 month old can't walk yet? He's getting there. He's making improvements every day. I no longer care what people think, and I no longer make excuses for his delays.

The fact is, I feel so incredibly lucky to have this ray of sunshine for our child. He may not walk, but his smile can turn ANYONE'S day into awesome. I'm serious.. you cannot see a Hunter-dimpled-smile and not smile back. I know we could have it a lot worse. I'm friends with many other people who struggle a lot more than we do. Not necessarily with worse things (although some do, of course).. but different struggles. And on my dark days, when I wonder when he's going to catch up with this thing, or finally do that thing.. those mamas lift me up and give me hope.. they remind me how very far we've come from the 1 pound 12 ounce chicken nugget that he started out as.

Man, I love that kid.

Getting Lasik.. continued

2011-06-18T14:37:00.002-04:00

So I laid down on the table, and everyone in the room immediately sprang into action. The nurse guy (?) handed me to stress balls to hold onto during the procedure, and someone up by my head proceeded to tape one eye open and the other eye closed. The table was rolled underneath the machine that houses the laser, and looking up at it, I could see a solid green light, a solid red light, and a blinking red light.

I was instructed to focus on the blinking red light. Without my glasses on, I was sort of nervous that because I couldn't see very well, I wouldn't be looking in the right spot. I was reassured, however, that once they were ready to go, they would activate a 'tracking' mechanism that would keep the laser in the right place.. even if my eye made small movements. Thank God. I remember them mentioning this tracking thing in our consultation, but in the moment, was pretty nervous.

So my eye that was taped open was looking at the blinking red light. They doctor put something over my eye that went around it and made it feel like it was sort of bulging out of the socket. They then went about cutting the flap, all while I attempted to keep staring at this light. The weirdest part was when they lifted the flap, and the light that looked through my blurry vision like a big red hazy circle now looked like a red kaleidoscope. Or as if the red light was now a fly's eye.

That's when they told me they turned on the tracking, and that they would be doing the laser. The doctor was doing something that felt like he was taking small pinches of the surface of my eye and letting go (I felt nothing, to be fair).. and then he'd say a measurement of some kind. No idea what this was. They then said "Lasering" and counted out the seconds it was active. The laser ran maybe two or three times for 8-10 seconds each time. They replaced the flap, smoothed it out, added a couple eyedrops, and removed the tape.

I closed that eye, they taped it shut, and they repeated the process on the other eye. Five minutes (or less) later, and I was done. I sat up, feeling fine, and they led me to a chair near the door. I sat down and placed my chin and forehead in the spots they were supposed to go in, and the doctor checked his handiwork. I was then led out of the surgery room to sit down and wait for more eye drops, and for them to ensure that the flap was already starting to heal. It only takes 30-45 minutes for your eye to begin healing the cut flap back into place.

At this point, my eyes felt very dry and heavy. The guy nurse came over to administer eye drops after the next patient was done, and I just sat there with my head back, eyes closed, waiting for them to call me back in for the check. When it was my turn to be checked, I returned to the surgery room, sat back down, and the doctor checked his work again. I was deemed to already be healing nicely, and was sent off with a pair of dark sunglasses, instructions for the next five days, and an appointment for the next morning.

I had to wear the sunglasses for the first three days, at pretty much all times. I had to do eye drops every four hours or so, and then before bed, in a certain order. There were four kinds of eye drops: an antibacterial type, a steroid, a mild lubricant, and a thicker lubricant. I came home and immediately went up to bed. I slept for about five hours, and when I woke up, my eyes felt much less heavy. The eye drops made an instant difference in both how dry my eyes felt and how clearly I could see.

I religiously followed my eye drop schedule, and was amazed that I could already see things clearly that I could never have seen 24 hours before without glasses. The next morning, I returned to Lasik MD and had a quick checkup. Each eye was seeing 20/25 independently, with a combined 20/20.. 24 hours after my surgery. Incredible. I drove myself to and from the appointment with no glasses, no contacts, and haven't looked back since.

Getting Lasik was honestly a truly great decision. The freedom I feel not having glasses is amazing. I still find myself looking for my glasses first thing in the morning, and reaching to take them off at night before bed. I even still reach up to push non-existent glasses up my nose, and they're not there. It's awesome.

I haven't had much residual dryness, although on days where I use the computer a lot, I need a few eye drops. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

That time I got Lasik..

2011-06-14T23:05:00.002-04:00

So I mentioned in my last post that one of the things I had going on lately was that I got Lasik. So I'm going to tell you why, how, what it was like, and how I'm doing now.

It all started when my oldest sister got glasses. My sisters are 7 and 8 years older than I am, so I sort of looked up to them (despite totally annoying them at the same time!!) Anywho, my oldest sister needed glasses, so therefore, I DEFINITELY needed them too. I was in.. oh.. 2nd grade I think. My awesome mother believed me when I said I couldn't see at school.

Flash to the doctor's office.. perfect vision. I continued to insist that I was having trouble seeing (because I'm persistent and annoying.) The eye doc pulled my mom in the hall, and they concocted a plan to get me frames with clear glass lenses. No prescription. Miraculously, not only could I see better (ha!) but I hated wearing them, and my eyes healed themselves to perfect vision.

As usual, fate came back to kick me in the ass, and in 3rd grade, I really WAS having trouble seeing in class. What do you know? I needed glasses. For real this time. Ever since then, my vision progressively got worse at distance. The last three years, though, my prescription stayed stable.

It's a pain in the butt to wear glasses. Your world constantly has a frame around it. They slide down your face. They get smudged. Scratched. They indent into your face when you fall asleep with them. They get broken. They're expensive. Granted, they make you look wonderfully intelligent, but they become the main focus of your face.

I was spending upwards of $600 a year on glasses and contacts. My Lasik procedure, guaranteed for life, cost me just over $3000. So the way I look at it, I'm ahead after less than 6 years. I may still need bifocals in the future, but oh well.. that's part of aging, right?

Okay. So I did a bit of research, as I am wont to do, and chose two places that I liked. One was in Toronto (1.5 hours away) and one was about 40 minutes away. They both had very similar reviews. I scheduled a consultation at the closer clinic, and started to get excited.

At the consultation, it was very clear that this is all they do, and they're good at it. I went from room to room with a very nice, friendly tech. We did regular vision tests, peripheral vision tests, astigmatism tests, pupil measuring, cornea depth (or something).. and because I like that sort of thing, it was fun. The results were that I had slightly larger pupil than average, which, with regular Lasik, could cause night vision issues such as halos. Other than that, good to go.

My prescription was -3.75 and -3.50. I was presented with two options.. Lasik or Lasik with Advanced Wavefront Technology. The Advance was $1000 more than the regular, but was guaranteed for life.. meaning revisions if my vision ever regresses. The Advance also covered a larger pupil area than the standard, eliminating many if not all of the potential night vision issues. Not to mention, when presented with two options for part of your body, do you get the cheapest? Well.. no.

I scheduled surgery for after we moved, to minimize what we had going on at the time. I could have booked for the week following my consultation, if I'd wanted to. I arrived at 8am, and we did many of the same tests again that I'd done at the consultation. This was their way to ensure the results then were not only accurate, but hadn't changed. I passed. Yay! I was offered an Ativan to help keep my anxiety under control. I wasn't feeling nervous or scared, but took it just in case.

They sat me in a chair outside the operating room, indicating that I was next up. They put two numbing eye drops in each eye, and the operating assistant (nurse?) came out to get me. They gave me full, detailed instructions and updates through the entire process, which was awesome for the stress factor. The surgeon introduced himself, and they led me to a stretcher/gurney-like table that was in the center of the room.

I laid down, and that's when the anxiety started to kick in.

OMG, a new post!

2011-06-07T22:47:00.004-04:00

You may notice that things look somewhat different around here. While I loved my blog's previous design, it was time for a bit of a change. So.. little monsters it is!! :)

I also held off on posting so that I could innundate you all with regular posting on my newly designed blog. Okay, well.. semi-regular? With photos? I'll give it a valid try, I promise. In fact, here's a photo.

Yes, that's Hunter. He looks like a five year old, right?? Well, not quite, but that's a major reason why I had to update the blog. My header showed some tiny little sick baby, and I don't have a sick tiny baby anymore. (I almost said I don't own a tiny sick baby anymore.. does parenting mean you 'own' your baby? No.)

Just so you don't think it's that one picture.. check this out..

That was from.. gee.. two months ago? (Yes, I'm a slacker and horrible mom for not showing off this cuteness earlier.) But come on.. LOOK HOW CUTE!! All is forgiven, right?

So I have lots to share, and lots to show. Hunter's doing all kinds of new and exhausting activities, we're in a new house, my 170lb dog is deathly afraid of thunder and I'm going to review a Thunder Shirt for him, and I had Lasik eye surgery. Oh, and my hair is now a different color.

Got all that?!? Stay tuned!!