HopefulLeigh

Quiet review

2013-05-16T12:03:51-05:00

Even though I've always been happiest when I've had the day to while away reading, even though people described me as shy when I was little (to which I disagree), even though large groups exhaust or overwhelm me, I didn't embrace my introversion until early 2012. I read Adam McHugh's fascinating book Introverts in the Church. I loved it so much, I held a weeklong series and still describe it as the most lifechanging book I read in 2012.

Every time I mention I'm an introvert (or my Myers-Briggs type: INFJ), people ask if I've read Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I really wanted to read it but there are a trillion books I want to read on my To Read list and so there it languished, until a review copy became available through the Blogging for Books program.

I wish Quiet had been written years ago. I saw myself on every page.

"Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions." p. 11

Not only did I see myself on every page, I saw that my introversion has always been an intrinsic part of me, even those years I believed I was an extrovert. INFJs are the most extroverted of the introverts, which was part of my confusion, but I also succumbed to what Cain describes as the Extrovert Ideal.

Extroverts are prized in American society at every turn, from business on down to elementary school. Cain spends time delving into how extroversion has seeped into our churches (with a shout out to McHugh and his book, prompting me to say, "I know him! I know him!"), schools, economy, and work environments. She profiles well-known introverts (like Steve Wozniak and Rose Parks) and shows how their introversion helped them in their calling. She also interviews a bevy of experts and every day folks.

The result is compelling. While the focus is on the power and talents all introverts hold, a good deal is geared toward extroversion and what works and what doesn't. Especially the pitfalls of extroversion, which have led us on precarious paths.

For instance, introverts are more likely to be passed up for work promotions and not have their ideas credited or research funded. How many breakthroughs and advances have we missed out on as a result? If they express caution, such as the case of those who spoke up in the months and years before the bank crisis, they're either not heard or not taken seriously. In today's classroom and workplace, group work is expected and preferred, to the detriment of those who do their best work privately or 1:1. I would do horribly in either scenario! It shouldn't be a surprise that productivity often decreases in these scenarios.

We have much to learn from one another and there's a danger when we go to an extreme with either temperament. It's best to let people work out of their strengths and complement each other.

I could have kept reading for another 300 pages at least. It's a fascinating topic, whether examining personality research, delving into what shyness actually is (guess what? I'm not shy!), and detailing the hallmarks of Highly Sensitive People, who can be introverts or extroverts.

I highly recommend it for everyone but particularly those in leadership positions and parents, especially if their personality style differs from your child. The same goes for those who are married to someone with a different personality style. Cain has a way of presenting the information so you can see yourself but also identify areas of improvement.

I have no doubt I'll refer back to Quiet often in the years to come.

Disclosure: Amazon Affiliate links included in this post. If you click through to Amazon from HopefulLeigh, I'll get a few pennies to help support this site, along with my book habit. Thanks for your support!

Disclosure: I received this book free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group as part of their Blogging for Books program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.

Haircuts and Change

2013-05-13T08:02:00-05:00

A year and a half ago I sat in a salon chair as my friend Kat cut my hair. My grandmother had just died- the only reason I'd be back in my hometown on an October weekday- but it was the day before the funeral and I needed a haircut. While Kat had been cutting my hair for years by that point, she usually came to my house. I only ever came to the salon to say hi or grab a quick lunch with her. It didn't make sense to sit in the salon but nothing made sense that week.

That turned out to be my last haircut.

I've procrastinated on finding a new stylist in Nashville. Really, a new everything in Nashville. For awhile, it worked out fine to get haircuts whenever I returned to my hometown but as hard as Kat and I have tried to see each other the last 18 months, it hasn't worked out. My hair did what hair does: it grew and grew and grew.

This is such a stereotypical Before picture because not only do I need a haircut, I'm wearing GLASSES. Whatevs. It was a long work day and I was not about to force my contacts in at 6:30 am. Also, you can see my best friend and niece-in-love (showing me how to pose) in the window.

If Kat could have seen me, she'd say it was Amish Long. To which, I would protest while conceding the abundance of split ends.

Look, I like having long hair. Even though you're supposed to get regular hair cuts to keep it healthy, I have a hard time remembering this. When I do remember, I procrastinate because I don't like setting up appointments. For anything. If you tell me when to show up for something, I'm there. If you tell me to call and set up a time, I might do it next month. Or next year.

The exception to this rule is when I have an established relationship with the provider. Like my friend Kat and the eye doctor I've seen since I was in 3rd grade.

When I came back from Christmas with my hair still as wild as ever, I started asking around for stylist recommendations.

I didn't act on any of them. But I did ask!

My trip to Africa became a catalyst of sorts. I decided I would have to get my hair cut before I left, which meant it was back to the stylist drawing board.

I put out a call for help on Facebook. Local blogger Amanda recommended her stylist, Michelle at Synergy. Michelle courteously gave me her phone number and told me to text or call to set up a time.

Now, normally, I hate texting. HATE it. This is partially because I don't have unlimited texting but mostly because I prefer to talk. When it comes to making appointments, however, I find website scheduling or texting to be genius.

Plus, it turned out Synergy is super close to where I live. I texted Michelle, we set a date, and the rest is history.

Finding a new stylist can be either good or bad. After all, no one wants to be stuck with a bad haircut! I'm relieved to say Michelle is amazing and my hair looks amazing. Pretty much I want Michelle to cut my hair for the rest of time and for us to become good pals, too. We just clicked.

Maybe this will encourage me to set up doctors appointments. Or maybe not. I'll take baby steps. Getting my haircut was positive reinforcement on taking care of business.

Oh, and did I mention my hair looks amazing? And it's still long but now completely healthy? Glory be.

Hello, sexy haircut!

This Is How We Met: Brenna D'Ambrosio's Story

2013-05-10T08:00:00-05:00

Friends, this is the final TIHWM story. At least for now. I am so grateful for the people who participated in the series and for the affect it had on me. My writing is headed in other directions and so we bid TIHWM adieu with Brenna's captivating tale.

I shouldn’t have been surprised. Two things I swore up and down were off limits, and here, standing before me wearing a blue polo shirt and a pair of Levis was the embodiment of both.

I almost didn’t open the door that Thursday evening in May. I knew deep down that on the other side was my future. But I did open it, and I looked up at him, pass the dimples that instantly weakened my knees and right into his blue eyes. My heart flip-flopped and my first thought was “Crap. I’m going to get married.” I’ve been in love ever since.

******

My parents divorced as soon as I graduated high school. I escaped Ohio and found shelter on the shores of a college nestled along Lake Michigan. My dad found love in a Christian singles newspaper ad. It wasn’t long before his new bride reached out to my mom and offered her an ad in the same newspaper. It’s probably not shocking that my mom found love and has been happily and blissfully married since.

I was going to find love the old-fashioned way, like normal people did. This was the late 90’s and this kind of thing you didn’t talk about or admit. I was an intelligent, hard working woman moving up the corporate ladder. I could meet a man on my own just fine, thank you very much.

******

My dad’s wife passed away. When he later met his (3rd/ current) wife, this time it wasn’t through a newsletter. It was Christian Matchmaker. During this time I received a promotion and moved out of state. But on weekend visits they encouraged me to “find love.” I resisted.

One trip I went up and noticed my stepbrother acting strangely. He was in the office and in uncharacteristic manner was whispering as he kept the door shut, which was against the rules. I heard the clanging of computer keys and the howling of a DSL line (remember those?!). I barged in only to find him on the computer, online, answering questions such as “If you were a character from the Bible, who would you be?” It didn’t take long to realize he was answering those questions as "Brenna."

He had filled out a profile for me.

He had put a lot of thought into it, though I never would have said Mary. I was much closer to Martha, although if memory serves me I may have said James…so I gave in. What’s the harm? They had paid for it, might as well correct the profile.

******

Back in my cozy apartment just miles away from Long Island Sound I would glance through them, occasionally wondering if this is how I would end up meeting my husband. Wouldn’t that be quite the family legacy? I decided I’d keep my options open since there weren’t any prospects at my church.

There was just one area I would hold my ground. I wouldn’t date a Navy guy. I was now living in a town that hosted a naval base and without any disrespect to our armed forces, I had seen with my own eyes the difficulties that dating someone in the Navy brought. Crazy schedules? Constant underways for weeks at a time? Six month deployments? Nope. Not for me.

So when that profile caught my eye, the one from the Naval officer with blue eyes, dimples, and shoulders that showed me he used to play football I had no choice, really, but to move ever so carefully.

We emailed for about two months before meeting. The first time I heard his voice on the phone my hands shook. He was already becoming my friend. His voice made my heart want him to be more.

It was a busy season for him; he was studying and taking qualifying exams. But finally, on a warm May evening, he knocked not only on my door, but on my heart, and I opened both. Three and a half years later we married and I love him more each day.

Brenna is a city-living, tender-hearted wife and mama to three little girls who encourage her daily to seek out the beauty in life. She loves travel, Diet Coke, homemade bread, and Indian food. There is always something cooking in her oven so stop on by. You will most likely find her either shuffling her girls off to an activity or cuddling with her family at home. She blogs about brokenness and redemption at Beautiful Things (http://chicagomama-brenna.blogspot.com) and you can find her on Twitter at @chicagomama