I swear that’s Brittany Snow doing a cameo.

The trailer starts out with this select scene to convey a sense of refined institution, instilling the legacy of the sorority and those who continue the tradition of upholding the establishment, or whatever. We’re introduced to the main sisters and their house mother. Curiously, Megan (Audrina Patridge) is not present. Which could mean that either her role wasnt significant enough to be introduced here, or that her scenes precede this one and the trailer begins after her death. It doesnt actually matter, but if true, its an interesting approach for assembling the trailer.

This is not the Sorority from 1983, however, and if things are not crazy / sexy, then these girls are not interested.

I would go ahead and pick this guy as the killer, citing a motive for revenging the death of his sister (Megan), not saying Megan is in fact his sister, but the killer is later seen running around this guy. So, either im right and he’s one of two killers, making the film go out of its way to convince you he’s not, or he isnt involved at all.

Ok freeze!

Now we’re re-introduced to the girls, beginning with Megan.

“You cheat on one Theta, you cheat on every Theta.”

Nanny cam prank time!

You know things are going right when she pukes on your face.

It doesnt look like he’s really grasping the gravity of the situation.

Drinking from a glass bottle, as you laugh at Garrett? Interesting.

Okay, now he’s starting to realize she’s dead. What he doesnt realize, though, is how odd it might seem that all the girls are in such a hurry to dump the body. He must think they are just really eager to be helpful. OR, one of the girls is the girl he cheated on Megan with, and he thinks their relationship is why she is so eager to help him. Which would explain why he’s so trusting and how it could be the reason why he’s the eventual killer, along with whichever one the girl is he cheated with. The two of them killing everyone off to try and cover up the secret would be a solid M.O. But which girl is it!?!?

Okay, I’m calling shenanigans. They drove out there to dump the body into a well(?) but Chuckles McLush over there poses the option of wrapping the body in a blanket or chopping it up into pieces. Deciding to make with the chop-chop they spread out to “find sharp rocks to dismember the body with.” How in the crap would you dismember a body with a rock? Chisel it into an axe?

I can see your pelvis.

Anyway, numb nuts decides that stabbing the body with a tire iron is the most efficient way to the dismember it, beginning with the center of the torso.

Continuing the sequence of worst ideas ever, no one thinks to keep an eye on Garrett in case he happens to be the first one to find a sharp rock and make it back to the body, which isnt actually dead. Good job looking out for your sister! Not.

Garrett stabs Megan and everyone starts freaking out. Cue the cameraman to start shaking the shit out of the camera.

Good effort, but it isnt the thought that counts.

Okay, well maybe the secret isnt completely buried.

But the guilt has definitely risen to the surface.

Either this is what girls are normally doing, all the time, or the killer is sending out a first warning.

Sweet, sweet juxtaposition.

Ahh, time to lay down and drink from a bottle. People do that. No, really, they do.

Orange you glad you didnt say Banana!?

What are you planning to do with that tire iron??

I know what you did last SEMESTER!!!11!!1!6!!!

Poof! I magically changed the tire iron into a glass bottle! And so, you finally meet your death by that which you love most.

Crap! Being stalked by a killer for trying to cover up a murder really sucks!

We’re totally not lifting this idea from Scream 2.

Okay, so the tire iron was literally retooled to make it more efficient / scarier(?) / more likely to stick if thrown, but why the spring-loaded hooks? Wouldnt that either break or at least make it harder to pull back out?

So, my theory for this shot is A: Garrett’s dead body is somehow propped up, or B: Garrett reveals himself as the killer by trying to look as freaky as possible. This IS the only other time in the trailer he is seen, after the cover-up. That is, if it even is Garrett… its a little too blurry to be 100% positive.

This looks oddly familiar.

Excruciating face plant in 3…

2…

1…

Why chase your victims around when you can just leave snare traps everywhere to use at your leisure?

Coolest. Slasher. Ever. ?. …Who is either on the drumline or a baton twirler.

Help! Guys! Im about to be stabbed with a tire iron by a dark hooded figure!

We’re not falling for that one… AGAIN.

See, this is what im talking about. Those hooks are going to rip back through without breaking or getting caught? I dont think so (without the power of movie magic.)

So this was an odd choice to make. Without her glasses, Ellie turns into a ballbusting ass kicker. Thats not what Im talking about though.

They wedged in a shot of Ellie pointing a shotgun in the fiery living room, then cut to the killer being shot at in the kitchen, which is obviously a part of the scene with Mrs. Crenshaw (Carrie Fisher) that they use as the trailer cookie. They are obviously trying to ramp up the action to match the events that crescendo toward the end of the trailer, but as to why they chose to do it this way specifically, my best guess is they either A: didnt want to reveal who the shotgun was being pointed at / or killed by it, B: They needed it to look like the shotgun is fired even though Ellie might not have fired it, or C: They didnt want to show Mrs. Crenshaw blasting away yet so it wouldnt detract from the trailer cookie’s effectiveness.

Anyway, whatever they did, they made damn sure they got plenty of hair spinning action throughout the film.

At a disadvantage.

Turning the tables.
(Is that the back of the killer’s head?)

Nothing sells a movie like spoiling the ending in the trailer.

Scream What You Did Last Summer on Sorority Row

Okay, now they’re ready to show Princess Leia kick some ass while swearing. Fisher’s got nothing on Adrienne Barbeau, though.

Flying ninja star tire iron > Shotgun.

http://thetapi-ordie.com/
Easiest url to remember, ever.

Alright alright, enough of my cynicism. Slashers are easily my favorite subgenre, and I welcome this entry with open arms. I just get irked when something with so much potential is founded on such stupid bullshit that could be fixed so easily. Why this was a higher priority on the remake list, remains to be seen. Hopefully its because someone came up with some ingenious twist that helped push this project all the way into production.

As of this post, Sorority Row is slated to be released alongside Scorcese’s atmospheric psychological thriller “Shutter Island” on October 2nd. While Shutter Island is packed full of industry topliners, unless the trailer scares Sorority Row into a release date shift, I think the kids will come out in droves to push Sorority to at least the $20mil mark.

- Wes Fierce

P.S. I Strongly encourage comments! I welcome your opinions / predictions / theories!

And now its time for… The Many Faces of Rumer Willis:

Sharry Paw-tah!

Expecto Patronum!

Agh! Cut! A bug just flew into my mouth!

Seriously, I have nothing against Rumer. Whoever cut this trailer might, though.

It started out so nicely…

I was looking forward to checking this out after watching the trailer. The quote from Variety comparing this to Apocolypse Now also gave me a little push. When I got the DVD and read the excerpt on the back that sounds straight out Ju-on, I was like ‘Ju-on set in the Jungle? Heck yes.’ After having watched it, I can safely say that this is nothing close to Apocolypse or Ju-on.

The intro was crazy and I was pretty psyched to see what the filmmakers from Calvaire had in store. As I struggled through the long drawn out shots that are supposed to be creating “atmosphere”, I was still impressed by the locale and the use of locals as actors. As things painstakingly inch there way towards progression, however, there are just too many elements that worked against the film. My number one gripe with any movie in any genre is when writers force characters into situations by having them make stupid decisions. This couple is, apparently, wealthy enough to make sizable donations, along with their wealthy elite neighbors, to try to save area’s of Thailand that are on the brink of death. So, they are obviously intelligent enough to be that wealthy, yet dumb enough to make some of the ridiculous decisions that lead them into trouble.

Every once in awhile a movie that blends genre’s gets lumped into the horror genre because its easier to market that way. While there are some aspects that could be perceived as horror, such as some of the minimal surrealism, or the minimal (yet disturbing) violence, I would have to categorize this as a dramatic thriller, if that. To sum the movie up, its a slow paced story set in a foreign jungle with exotic cinematography and good production quality where the main characters make dumb decisions. There, I said it. If thats your thing, jump right in.

- Wes Fierce

Official HFM Rating:

(Read more about the rating system)

Video Clips

Welcome to Part 1 of 4, from the Grindhouse series of posts.

Scene 1 – Go-go, not Cry-cry

The double feature opens with grindhouse-like motion graphics and sidescrolling “Grindhouse” title graphic before a smash cut to Cherry Darling dancing on stage at a go-go club. During the mesmerizing sequence, Rodriguez uses a special lense or post-pro effect to give some of the shots a warp effect between the subject and the frame. Cherry’s dance moves are cut to match (mostly) the soundtrack which is the go-go(?) version of the film’s theme song. The dizzying camera movements and use of reflections help pull the audience into the film.

Upon walking home from work, Cherry avoids being run over by falling onto some roadside trash. She gets a piece of glass lodged in her leg, foreshadowing a certain injury she will receive later. What were those trash cans doing out in the middle of nowhere by that streetlight? lol.

Scene 2 – Where’s the Shit

The deal-gone-bad scenario is campy but it helps establish the film’s satirical take on old action / horror films like Umberto Lenzi’s “Nightmare City.” As soon as things take a turn for the worse, it gives Greg Nicotero the chance to show off some practical face melting effects, which are awesome.

Bruce Willis’ CG-enhanced face bubbling effects are nearly photo-realistic. The gunplay is very arcade-shooter oriented, with some ridiculously over the top squib explosions that have me standing and cheering everytime I see them.

Scene 3 – The Bone Shack

Transitioning to the next scene with a seamless pan from Abby’s escape to an aerial establishing shot of the Bone Shack, the bright neon sign and synth version of the main theme compliment each other nicely. As much as I love the Bone Shack set, it really is designed oddly. Two lonely gas pumps at the foot of some questionable stairs leading to a makeshift bbq diner / barn. The problem here is that having alot of customers entering and leaving the place, for gas or w/e like a busy gas station usually is, would seem unrealistic. Because of that, there isnt much going on in the scene and leaves future scenes at the Bone Shack seem bare. I can’t say that I was impressed with the stunt casting of Fergie, especially with the awkward “Now how did you know that?” line.

Scene 4 – I’m gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge

I effin love this shot.

The box of Great White Bites, carton of milk, Rebel’s hair, the huge curlers, the brick oven, and the vintage blender all make this feel like a retro commercial or something. The subtle misdirection of Bill almost catching Dakota’s texting, only to be handed a cup of coffee is a nice touch. The point is defeated though when Dakota tries to sneak her cell into her purse in plain sight of Bill. Bill casually hints at his suspicions by asking his son if he believes his moms lies, to which his son answers “No.”

Scene 5 – El Wray

Wray runs into Cherry and the two exchange words, giving the audience some insight into their past. Rodriguez crafts the dialogue around the end of their relationship and the relevance of the jacket Cherry is wearing without boring us with uninteresting details. The medium shot of the guys and dog turning to look at Cherry is cute.

Scene 6 – Chronic Herpetic Lesions

The Block’s arrive to work and one of the local’s show up with a bite. Which, leads to what is probably the most disturbing imagery throughout the film, when Dr. Block’s colleague points out some photo’s he is studying. The gore envelope is pushed a little further with the black abscess tongue application, that squirts out onto Dr. Block’s glasses, no doubtedly causing the audience to vocalize their disgust. (Which is capitolized on with the “Audience Reaction Track” bonus feature.)

I know Tarantino worked closely on the production, so I’m wondering if he had anything to do with this shot, cause it reminds me alot of the tight close-ups from Kill Bill for some reason:

Scene 7 – Roadkill

The radio DJ dedicates a song to Jungle Julia “in loving memory”, not only indicating that both Grindhouse films take place in the same world, but that the events of Death Proof took place beforehand. The boobshot close-up tally is stacking up. Who, btw, wouldnt stop for a hot hitchhiker? Tammy is dragged off just as Wray and Cherry pass by in time to look on in disgust with the impression that she is a deer. This causes Wray to bring up a trivial conversation piece which will be directly related to his following action. Raising the production budget slightly higher, is this all too brief mounted rolling shot:

Scene 8 – No-Brainer

Sugar glass thermometer? Fergie’s bust really looks outstanding and had me scrubbing frames for CG tells. The backside looks just as awesome, as well:

Bill confronts Dakota about her ex being in town, in which a clever set of exchanges are made between the two involving needles and cellphones. All of which leads up to a somewhat intense set giallo-ish shots, only to be cut off abruptly. Keep your eyes peeled for the closing door / curtain wipe transition.

Scene 9 – Colorful Language

Wray is brought back to the station and Tolo’s finger is bitten off by a “sicko.” As he reaches out for his wedding ring, Rodriguez cuts between a series of shots focusing on the ring, which is slightly awkward.

I’m not sure if the shots were a reference or a scare tactic, but they failed as a scare tactic if that is the case. Maybe it was only meant to server as a distraction from the zombies that were surrounding the officers, unnoticed until the attack.

The incredibly explosive squibs become even more awesome when combined with limb targeting, which actually helps the body parts being blown off look spectacular.

As for character dynamic, Sheriff Hague’s aggression towards Wray could have been toned down a little. The sheriff seems to be way too concerned about someone who was in a car accident where a weapon was found, as if he suspects Wray of cutting off Cherry’s leg for some reason.

Scene 10 – Self Preservation

Bill gets a face full of gooey deliciousness.

Scene 11 – Pack Mule

In addition to using degradational effects to make the film look more like a grindhouse film, Rodriguez takes the technique a step further by increasing the frequency of the effects whenever the intensity of the scene spikes.

As it has the potential to cause a mental or physical reaction from the viewer, such as anxiety or fear, it also creates an opportunity to adjust the lens effects and flash some lighting that compliment the shots, which would otherwise seem illogical.

Scene 12 – Spilt Milk

Dakota crashes her way through a 2nd story window out to her car, followed by a few shots, again, reminiscent of Kill Bill (with the whole, getting body parts to function for the ability to drive, thing.)

Robert opts for a wide aerial shot as Dakota slams into cars on her way out of the parking lot, which makes it seem dull. I would have liked to have seen Dakota struggling to steer the car and maybe some reactions from nearly missing Wray’s wrecker, as some zombies got plowed into. I think it would have helped ramp up to the action in the shots that followed.

Wray slashes his way through the hospital after being denied a firearm. Again, it might be the excuse for Wray to do the slash dance, but I find the sheriff’s attitude to be more of a flaw in the script than anything. Wray’s weapon wielding murder circus dance moves are flashy, but when seen out of context in the trailer, it seems like it might have attributed to turning away potential ticket buyers. It just comes off, in the trailer, as a bad action stunt. The part where he slices the neck and leans back to avoid getting sprayed was pretty sweet though. Also, the CG work on Cherry’s leg was pretty amazing:

Scene 13 – The Crazy Babysitter Twins

Just for the record, they were 21 when the film was released.

That being said, this is my second favorite scene in the movie. Dakota’s mascara has turned into warpaint…

…the twin babysitter’s are hot, the tree’s in the background look amazing…

…the babysitter’s flip out and attack the car…

…the girl on the car takes a hard dive. It’s all very awesome.

Scene 14 – All or Nothing Box

The sheriff deputizes everyone except Wray, of course.

Scene 15 – You’ll blow your own face off

In a seemingly random moment, Tony shoots himself. Why anyone in danger would leave their kid alone in a car, much less give them a gun, is beyond me.

On an incredibly interesting note, Rodriguez filmed an alternate version of the film where Tony lives throughout the film instead of dieing. That has to be one of the better alternate versions of a film I’ve heard of, well, ever. Money Shots:

The high spray patterns, and hair on the axe are a nice touch.

Scene 16 – Missing Reel

Wray and Cherry use their down time to do some PG-13 laundry, only to be interrupted by what is arguabley the best gag of the movie.

I however was pretty upset to find out that the epic zombie battle at the bone shack was skipped over. Ever worse, the missing reel from Death Proof actually exists, whereas this one does not. Way to drop the ball by copping out, there, Rodriguez.

As we return from the missing segment of the second act, we find out that Wray’s identity was revealed, and his real name is *gasp* …El Wray. Somehow, all of the other survivors made their way to the Bone Shack, including Dakota, who takes a moment to lose her sanity in this creepy shot:

Scene 17(?) – Zombie Seige

Tolo gets attacked in one of the best dismemberment shots since Day of the Dead, maybe. The overhead shot looks great and everything, but how much more awesome would a continuous 4 point close-up shot have been, with the camera arriving at each point as each part was torn off.

As everyone makes their stand against the zombie horde, Robert uses a crazy meandering shot that zooms in and out frantically, which I’ve been seeing alot of lately in video game cut scenes, aerial dog fights, etc.

Cherry makes a run for the wrecker aka KillDozer and Robert finally gets in tight for some close proximity action with the zombie’s and vehicles, like I was referring to when Dakota left the hospital.

Also, he finally starts to utilize interaction with the environment by having Wray shoot the gas pumps to kill some nearby zombies, which Cherry ends up driving back through and into the storefront of the Bone Shack.

Scene 18 – Aint no BBQ without cole slaw

Dakota regains her sanity and the babysitter’s apologize for Tony’s death as El Wray leads the way on a pocket-bike.

Scene 19 – Project Terror

We find out what the chemical is all about and that the survivors are immune. Tarantino makes his appearance and Rodriguez uses a degradation effect unlike the previous effects, which mimics color bleeding from the processing instead of wear & tear from the mishandling of reels.

During the escape, El Wray pulls a fast one and I remember the crowd’s reaction in the theater of “Oooohh” when that happened.

Wray and Abby corner Muldoon as his DC2 runs out and he mutates. Again, the reel effects start to intensify as Muldoon mutates uncontrollably:

Scene 20 – One Legged Stripper

The girls have a heart to heart while in isolation. Cherry does a bridge as an example of one of her useless talents, alluding to a certain rocket dodging shot.

Rodriguez goes for the gross-out juggular by melting Tarantino’s dick off, which leads to one of the best mutations, reminiscent of the work in The Thing.

El Wray equips her with the M4 Carbine leg, which is completely illogical, in true grindhouse fashion.. firing, reloading, etc.

Scene 21 – Reach Up

As everyone tries to make it to the helicopters, Abby is gets merc’d and the plans suddenly change now that the bio-chemical engineer is dead.

Cherry does her dance of death as the encore for her final act, in symmetry with the opening dance at the beginning of the film, making use of another useless talent. Which, is great and everything, except that it gets El Wray gunned down.

Skip mows down a group of sickos with his chopper, and the scene is often compared to the same scene in 28 Weeks Later, which cooincidently was released only a month later.

Scene 22 – Two against the world, Baby

Cherry gets a new leg upgrade and annihilates a sicko with it, even if his head did come back after it exploded The rest of the survivors are living it up on the beach, but for some reason the extras have to look away from the camera.

Finally, Rodriguez wraps it up quickly with a closing title card.

- Wes Fierce

Official HFM Rating:

(Read more about the rating system)

Bonus! – Continue to the next FGFC entry at: Final Girl Film Club: Grindhouse

The Final Girl Film Club, founded by Stacie Ponder, began on March 23, 2006. Stacie picks out a movie she’s never seen before to review by a certain day and everyone who participates gets to join the club. If it were a country club, HFM would be Happy Gilmore.

Forget the introduction, lets just get right to it. I only want to point out that this is all from memory, because I definitely wasn’t writing notes in the dark theater while trying to watch the movie.

The opening scene recaps the origin with some classy black and white credits and some slick freeze frames, while simultaneously adding yet another plothole involving Jasons age and whereabouts. The name of the movie was in there somewhere, right? Just like the opening of The Ring remake… right???

Well, whatever, skip ahead to almost present day and some young adults are looking for weed. Odd coincidence? Stacie Ponder beat me to it, by pointing it out already, but if you were paying attention you might have noticed the beginning of a pattern. The filmmakers try to pull off the classic ghost story by the campfire, but the group could just as well have been texting it to each other on their cellphones because it doesnt serve any purpose other than summarizing what happened during the jump in time from the opening scene. The dialogue is surprisingly funny though, so that oversight is shrugged off and I let my guard back down.

The token nerd goes off on his own and even though he has some gps gadgetry going on, opts to walk around in a dark forest with nothing but a glowstick. Well, here comes the first non-jasons-mother kill and the theater is raring for blood to shed. Jason swings and it cuts to black. My eyes roll and my non-horror-loving non-movie-going friend turns and looks at me like I have dragged him to a PG-13 Disney movie. Im starting to wonder if they had to trade the blood and gore for the exposure of boobs and use of profanity.

Moving on, the girl gets strung up in her sleeping bag above the fire and Im thinking two things at this point: 1. Wow, this version of Jason is going to be much more sadistic and 2. Kudos to the filmmakers for sleeping bag related violence. Then, dude steps in a foothold which is a quick series of flashing frames inferring that the trap closed on his ankle and the audience cringes. Then, they show the skin being pulled off and the audience cringes again. An effective gag, maybe, but it is ultimately a hint of the onslaught of hand held frantic extreme close-ups that are to come, signifying the directors confusion of horror with action.

One of the few moments i really liked, though, was when Jason pops up from under the house and the light reflects off the sinister eye burning through the burlap hole. I was like, THIS is the Jason I wanted to see, the Jason that doesn’t just want to kill you, but everything you stand for as well. Then comes the most controversial moment from the trailer, when it appears as though he is running. However, he doesn’t actually run as much as he just gets a running start to swing his machete. I could be wrong, but I think that is the only time he came close to actually running throughout the rest of the film. He sure did speed walk a few times, but I cant remember seeing him actually run. I could care less if he actually did run, but to have the character even hint at such thing just to prove how hard he is about to sink that machete into somebody, cutting away right as the machete is mere inches away from taking care of business, and then later reveal that nothing happened, is pretty damn upsetting. And to what end? Well that part is even more upsetting. The girl is revealed to be unharmed and held captive.

So, we’ve been schooled on the topic of Jason’s past, twice. We’re a handful of bodies deep into the movie, complete with a fair amount of story development and what should happen next? BAM! The name of the movie that everyone already forgot about not seeing when the credits rolled initially, pop up, and I shit you not, the entire theater roared with laughter at the sinister red letters sitting casually on the screen. It wasnt a response to the girl whose face was about to receive a machete deluxe, as if it were the punchline, either.

Let me just say that as im sitting there in horror as everyone laughs around me, my expectations were lowered far far below the expectations I didn’t have already. Was that in fact an intentional wink to the audience, and if so (which I believe it wasn’t), what fun filled antics lie ahead? Well, we’re introduced to the group that the film follows for the rest of the duration, and it is already painfully obvious which caricatures each person in the group is supposed to play. Notably, as BC already pointed out, a dirty blonde surfer-like dude who bares a striking resemblance to Mike Vogel’s character in the Texas Chainsaw remake. The pattern is beginning to become apparent.

I forget which one, either at the gas station or the house ( I think the house), the group piles out of the SUV and we’re treated to the same shot of the camera starting at the dashboard and pulling out through the back of the SUV as we saw in the Texas Chainsaw remake, only that shot actually had the purpose of being creative by pulling the camera out through the hole in the girls head as well as the bullet hole in the back window.

We’re then introduced to Clay, who is searching for his missing sister. What kind of a souless shell of a human being would not only try to interject, but come across as harsh and brash at the same time, about such a sensitive matter, to someones face no less? That kind of person doesnt actually exist, and this is where the movie starts to lose the audience. On a side note, I was totally on board with the missing girl being the reason for Clay’s presence. When its revealed that shes still alive and that Jason is holding her captive, few scenes in movie history have felt as awkward and out of place, not to mention how the last frame we saw her in was so convincing that it eventually resulted in a flat out lie.

Onward still, the writers point out that the black guy is in fact black by answering a question that nobody asked with a conversation that I swear was lifted from one if not several previous movies that had the same conversation somewhere in them. I think the real question is why does the fact that he’s black have to be pointed out at all? Is it not insulting enough that a token black character has to be included? Cant they just have an actor who happens to be African American that doesn’t have any stereotypical dialogue? Which, only leads me to ask why any of the actors have to have stereotypical dialogue? And why do the characters have to be such over the top caricatures? Why were there EVER characters like this included in the franchise? Who thought it was a good idea to EVER put such bad ideas into a film? Isnt that why horror is held in such disregard by the film industry anyway? WHAT THE FUCK??? And so, the writers continue to alienate the audience by crushing any plausibility that might have been there, bit by bit.

Heeeeey, its Willa Ford! I haven’t seen anyone mention her at all! Does anyone even remember her short lived career as a one hit wonder pop star? She’s almost thirty! I had such a big crush on her, lol. So, you could imagine my excitement when she not only took her top off, but also went wakeboarding topless.

Speaking of which, everyone seems to have a problem with Jason being able to use a bow. A really nice hunters bow, no less. Yet, no one has mentioned how a runaway boat runs over the only other person in an entire lake. Think about that sequence for a second. Surfer dude looks back to see how shes doing, after she wiped out and is already in the water, and they cut to him looking back having missed the wipeout and he says “Ohhhhh!” as if he saw it. Then, he turns to look back to the front of the boat, preparing to turn around, and is hit with the arrow. The arrow in the head caught me off guard and was not a cut away, so that was another part of the movie I actually liked. Yet, and maybe I missed it, somehow the boat not only turns around, but happens to line up perfectly with the girl in the water. How many lapses in judgment can the audience endure from the filmmakers?

Im getting slightly ahead of myself though. On Clay’s mission to go door to door to ask the locals of his sisters whereabouts, he approaches a house with a screen door that Nispel felt necessary to pan up on for one of the longest damn shots in the history of cinema. It might seem like im exaggerating, but I seriously shit you not, during the time it took for Nispel to pan up the screen door, the douchebag of all high school teen douchebags, who was sitting in front of us and I knew didn’t give a shit about the movie much less horror movies or movies in general, says “DOG” out loud. And just as I think to myself, “Wow, who is REALLY the douchebag here, this guy? Or THE FILMMAKERS?” …the effing dog pops into frame barking its head off. Have you ever counted the number of jump scare fake outs in the Texas Chainsaw remake, before anything scary actually happened? While youre at it, remember the old lady from the gas station in the Texas Chainsaw remake? Yeah, the character owns the barking dog. Not the same actress, mind you, but the resemblance is too much to be a coincidence. Sure, I liked the notion that the locals consider Jason to be a boogeyman… a local curse, if you will. But holy shit, how dumb do the filmmakers actually think we are? NONE of the jumpy teen girls sitting around me were scared, much less the guys, or anyone in the theater for that matter. If ever there was a moment, as if this movie isn’t full of them, to point out that Nispel doesn’t “get it”, this would be a good one.

As if the movie had not fallen apart already, Clay runs into the most over-the-top character in the film. The redneck hillbilly who is so ridiculously greasy and backwoodsy that I don’t even want to get further into it. Feeling short of cliches, the writers have the guy inspect a strange noise in the attic. Yeah, the attic. In the middle of the day. Hack slice chop, and a hockey mask happens to be laying on the floor. Being the handsome man that Jason is, he cant help but check himself out in the mirror with his new mask on. He’s probably thinking to himself, “Damn, Im wearin this to the club tonight.”

It might just be me, but in the same way someone thought it would be cool to have Jason act like a cyborg in space, it seems like the same methodology was used for the idea that it would be cool to make Jason act more like survivorman in the woods. I know he was supposed to have grown up in the woods on his own, but was it really necessary to carve out exactly what he was doing all that time? How often do people trip on his homemade alarm system and how did the police search the area for previously missing victims without finding that huge mechanical device sticking up out of the ground with a string leading straight into his underground hideout?

Back on track, or whatever there is of it, Clay shows up at dudes cabin and not only accepts an invitation in, after realizing whose cabin it is, but teams up with dudes supposed girlfriend. Ive gotten ahead of myself again, but remember back when she turned Trent down right after they got to the cabin? Would a handsome guy like that, who obviously has a lot going for him (aside from being a douchebag), bring a girl like that who isnt interested in him enough to have a little sex? Would a guy like that even hang out with girls like that? If the metric ton of guys ive known who are exactly like him are any indication the answer would be a resounding No.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out the photography of the film. Even though there are way too many extreme close-up flash cuts, the tight framing in other areas worked for me a few times and I appreciated some of it. There are some complaints about the saturated colors, blown-out hightlights, and crushed blacks, which were a staple of the Texas Chainsaw remake, but I really didn’t mind it and could also appreciate some of that as well. As a reference, the same techniques were also used in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane. Which, by the way, may have tied with the Friday remake for number of times a light source was shined directly into the camera lense. Anyway, they find the campground and Clay leaves his bag out in the open when trying to hide. Why, because he didn’t have time to reach down? Why were they even hiding? Sure, it turns out to be Jason carrying a dead body, but they didnt know he was there.

One of the things that did work was the slow burn kill of the character everyone liked the most cause of his witty jokes. Some are complaining that it was just another uninspired kill, but I don’t think they got that part. Which is sad because its one of the rare moments that something the filmmakers were trying to do worked on some level, at least.

Clay and Whitney are on their way back to the cabin while Trent has moved on to the amateur porn director who wants to videotape their sex, yet she only wants to record his face. Im guessing that is what Jason was wondering about as he stood outside their window just enjoying the view. It’s a good thing the director doesn’t believe in mixing sex with violence, or these two would totally die. Er.. yeah.

Clay and Whitney make it back to the cabin and piece everything together for everybody, and now, all of the sudden, Trent has a problem with Clay being there, even though they are trying to warn everyone of impending danger. Another good point that Stacie beat me to is why did Jason wait so long to kill off the people at that cabin, if they had been so close to each other all those years? The broken logic is really starting to shine at this point.

The token black guy finally gets to deliver his token black guy line about surprising the white people, yet heads out to battle Jason with a frying pan.

To make matters worse, he goes out to inspect the storage shed and decides for no reason at all that the best place to look would be the freezer.

Cue deady body hanging from the ceiling for an ineffective jump scare. I guess Jason rigged it with some twine and an hour glass.

Somebody mentioned that they were glad the filmmakers only stuck to practical effects, but I guess they completely missed the two CG-Iest kills in the movie. The first being when the black guy gets flipped over with the axe in his back and the axe pokes out of his chest.

In an attempt to make it seem like the characters in the house are actually effected by the wounded guys cries for help, the one girl has just become aware that something is wrong and she has a mental breakdown almost immediately. I can accept that it could happen to her, but why does it have to be so poorly captured and so poorly paced / acted? It goes something like: Someones hurt? Oh crap! (cut away) Help! (Cut back) I cant take this anymore! (Slumps down on floor crying, rocking back and forth covering ears.) Everyone else just kinda looks at each other.

Speaking of broken logic (as if I haven’t been talking about it this entire time), big, hulky, brutes like Jason are NOT ninjas. I’ll let one or two silent appearances slide, as ineffective as they are, but make it a little more plausible instead of just letting him appear when a light happens to flicker in a poorly lit area. What I wont let slide is a sudden appearance, posing for the camera, on the roof of a house where everyone inside is on full alert. Not making noise while climbing up onto a roof just doesnt happen. I don’t care how long he’s lived in the woods and may have learned to sneak up on animals, they might as well have given him a noise-less rocket pack. And again, what is it with roofs and attics? Did he fashion a bunch of zip lines out of trip wire from rooftop to rooftop to commute throughout the woods?

Luckily, Jason’s spiderman tactics are for not, because someone left a window open for him. The crying girl is apparently attempting to hide(?), but when she suspects that someone is in the bathroom with her, her fear turns to curiosity. Instead of getting out and hiding somewhere else, she needs to check behind the shower curtain. And so we bare witness to yet another prime example that Nispel has no idea how to scare an audience. His disproportionate framing practically emails a newsletter to the audience informing them of whats about the happen.

That is, if the moment had not already been spoiled in every one of the movies trailers. As if that weren’t enough, the girl pulls the shower back too slow while the frame lingers and then throws the curtain open unnaturally like she wanted to surprise whoever it was she thought she was about to find. It didn’t work, it didn’t make sense, and what little bit of the audience that was still on board with the movie, is dwindling by the minute. And the end result of all this effort? Jason kind of props her up on some tiny antlers that were hanging on the door that looked like they were there for hanging towels. Total weak sauce, and no one bought that either.

If youre still following along, the cop shows up without his siren on, but is spotted by Trent (D-bag) who feels that its necessary to announce it to anyone within a 100 yard radius. I guess that’s how Jason knew he was coming, if he didn’t see the flashing lights, and so he jumps down from the roof of the two story house, landing right behind the cop… Like a damn ninja.

Being the douchebag that he is, Trent fumbles around the house shooting anything that moves, including the dead girl he just had sex with. Which, no one responded to when he shot her. It just kind of happened and everyone in theater just sat there before the movie had already moved on to something else.

Everyone freaks out and finally decide to abandon the cabin. Trent tries to radio for help but screams like a girl when a body gets thrown onto the hood of the cop car. Everyone in the theater laughed.

Being the douchebag that he is, Trent, takes off on his own and manages to flag down a truck. Suspecting that Jason has somehow found a truck and caught up with him (which wouldn’t have surprised me at all), he hesitates to jump in the truck so he can get out of there. Its all a ploy devised by the filmmakers, though, to set a kill up that would leave Trent pinned to the back of the truck as the driver gets spooked and speeds off. One can only imagine how clever the writers must think they are. And who was actually driving the truck? Why the old wheelchair guy from the Texas Chainsaw remake, of course! Why wouldn’t he be? Yet, not the same actor.

Elsewhere, Clay and Whitney somehow find Jenna, but Jason knows exactly where everyone is at all times, so he comes back to his underground lair and dispatches the faux final girl everyone thought was going to survive, and we get to see the second CG-Iest kill of the movie when she is simply impaled and discarded.

Clay and Jenna escape through an overturned school bus and Clay tells her to hide. She decides to hide behind one of the school bus seats and the guy behind me says “That’s not a very good place to hide.” And everyone around us busts out laughing. Jason gets ahold of Clay and breaks a couple windows with his face and im thinking to myself that Clay is done for. But Jason’s ADD kicks in and he stops what hes doing to go after the girl. She kicks him in the face which buys them enough time to make a run for the barn where Jason found his mask. All of the sudden it starts pouring rain, of course.

Clay and Jason have their climactic battle in the barn leading to what was probably the most suspenseful moment for me, when the chain around jasons throat got tangled in the woodchipper and I thought for sure they were about to kill jason off and be done with it. Yet, his head gets close to the blades but then he just gets stuck there, choking to death I guess. There was also a part where wood from the rafter broke apart so jason grabbed a huge piece of it to hit Clay with, but only amounted to a glance that was accompanied by one of the weakest sound effects ive ever heard. So, after all that, instead of pushing him the rest of the way into the woodchipper, they carry him all the way back to the dock so they can roll him off into the lake in what im sure is an intention to create a metaphysical connection between jasons drowning and his eventual death.

Finally, as if the entire movie had not been a huge slap in the face, they make a lackluster attempt to pull off the jump scare from the original that worked so well. Lame. Roll Credits.

My intention for this review was never to hate all over it. Obviously, I would have wanted it to be as good as possible. There are a lot of people out there who are shrugging it off with excuses about how its supposed to be dumb because it’s a Friday movie, and how its supposed to be fun. Well, fuck that. Theres no reason a movie cant be good, fun, and scary. Except for the people making it not having a clue as to what theyre doing.

I didn’t have that big of a problem with the “re-imagining” involving the most used plot in horror about “a group of friends go to a cabin for the weekend”, hell, I wouldn’t have had a problem with any of it if it they had taken the time to have it make sense. Then, it probably would have actually been good. It’s a shame that the movie will be considered a success based on the box office numbers, because they will have to confuse brand recognition with execution. Or maybe they will just breathe a sigh of relief that the brand recognition paid off

- Wes Fierce

Official HFM Rating:

(Read more about the rating system)

Ive stated my issue with the voting criteria before, but instead of continuing to protest it, I just submitted favorites this time in addition to best-of choices. The upside is my list was pretty different from the final results. The downside is my nominees wouldnt even be seen unless someone else also nominated them.

So, in favor of full disclosure, here are HFM’s list of nominees:

1. Let the Right One In

2. The Haunting

3. Suspiria

4. Shutter

5. House at the Edge of the Park

6. Demons

7. Twitch of the Death Nerve

8. Zombi 2

9. Wizard of Darkness

10. Guinea Pig 2

Runner-ups: Ju-on, Ringu

List of Participants:
Brian Solomon of The Vault of Horror
Wes Fierce of Horror Film Magazine
The Lightning Bug of The Lightning Bug’s Lair
Sean T. Collins of Attentiondeficitdisorderly Too Flat, Marvel.com and Maxim
CRwM of And Now the Screaming Starts
Justin of Send More Cops
Peter Hall of Horror’s Not Dead
John Kenneth Muir, horror critic (Booklist Editor’s Choice)
Pax Romano of Billy Loves Stu
Scott Weinberg of FEARnet, Cinematical, Horror.com and Rotten Tomatoes
Brian Matus of FangoriaOnline
Nate Yapp of Classic-Horror.com
Carnacki of The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire
Corey of Evil on Two Legs