HoseMaster of Wine™

The Wine Blog Awards--Death is Like Fermentation

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 23 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

When I turned up dead, I knew I had an unusual case on my hands. I’d been fine the last time I saw me, that morning, in the mirror. I remember because, since I’ve put on a few pounds recently, it was the first time I’d seen my penis since Anthony Weiner sexted a picture of it all over the damned planet. It winked at me. I’d finished showering (I like my showers like I like my babes—hot, wet, and finished in three minutes) and was shaving. I hate shaving. My electric razor shoots the damned...

The First Wine Blog to List Ingredients

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 20 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

After months of soul searching and consideration, and in the interest of transparency and full disclosure, I have decided to list the ingredients and processes that go into each piece on HoseMaster of Wine™. I am hopeful that my candor and honesty will spread throughout the wine blog world. As it stands now, when you read a wine blog you have no idea what went into the blog, aside from alcohol-fueled stupidity and the vocabulary of a porpoise, i.e. whistling through the blowhole. Nothing...

The Feiring Squad Misses The Rapture

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

They were just gone one day. All of them. It had been prophesied, but who believes prophets? There are rarely real prophets in the wine business. Not for those who’d disappeared anyway. One day the landscape was littered with Natural Wine winemakers, the next day they had vanished quicker than the finish on one of their wines. They weren’t at a conference. They weren’t at a public wine tasting selling their wines to novice wine drinkers drunk on their own righteousness, the deluded who profess...

Vornography

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

In February 2010, I published this lampoon of Alder Yarrow's Vinography. I think his was the first wine blog I parodied, and it raised something of a ruckus. Not as much as my later piece about Alice Feiring, but plenty. I was always offended by Yarrow's nonsensical notion that he could adequately taste several hundred wines in a few hours, and his post about the 2010 ZAP tasting must have pushed me over the edge. Though it doesn't take much to push the HoseMaster over the edge. The original...

Good Things Come to Those Who Waitsburg

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Waitsburg Cellars Wines I’m Using to Write About Me Waitsburg Cellars 2012 Pinot Gris Old Vines Columbia Valley $15 Waitsburg Cellars 2012 “Cheninierès” Old Vine Chenin Blanc Columbia Valley $17 Waitsburg Cellars 2012 “Chevray” Old Vine Chenin Blanc Columbia Valley $17 Waitsburg Cellars 2012 Riesling Old Vine Columbia Valley $15 Waitsburg Cellars 2011 “Three” Merlot Malbec Mourvèdre Columbia Valley $25 I think most wine bloggers would agree that the one genuinely satisfying aspect of...

Better Off Dead--New Wine Books

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 06 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

I decided it was time to review the latest cascade of new wine books, so I have done so over at Tim Atkin's wonderful blog. Once a month, Tim allows me to bring the conversation down to a HoseMaster level, and insult our wine friends in the UK. I like to think of it as satire. Tim has a stable of talented wine writers publishing on his blog. I'm just the guy who cleans up the stable. Shoveling crap--it's what I do! Everyone seems a bit reluctant to comment on Tim's blog, but I actually think...

Aesop's Wine Fables

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 02 May 2013 15:00:00 +0000

The Winemaker and the Cow A cow was calmly grazing in her pasture when she was approached by a winemaker with a chainsaw and a bucket. “I need your horns,” the winemaker said. The cow ruminated a moment, then responded, “Go fuck yourself.” Obviously, this...

Lo Hai Qu on What Marsupials Want From Wine

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Lo Hai Qu has been bugging me to let her write another post on HoseMaster of Wine™. Three days a week, she’s here at Clos du Hose cataloging the pallets of wine I receive as samples, answering my fan mail (you can’t believe how much ricin I go through), and organizing my panty drawer. Qu does this simply to sit at my feet and absorb my wine wisdom. I think of her as Human Depends. But every now and then I give in and allow her to voice her opinion in this prestigious space. Qu is representative...

The Old Sommeliers Home

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

I’m not sure when I first noticed the problem. It only slowly worked its way into my conscious mind. I think the first incident was an old guy I saw standing along Highway 29 just in front of Opus One holding a sign that said, “Homeless Somm—Looks of Disdain 25¢” I was being tailgated by a limo filled with a bachelorette party, Feels on Wheels, so I couldn’t stop. But the sight of him, unshaven and dirty, like a nominee for a Country Music Award, extending his empty tastevin pleading for...

What We're Reading

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:19:00 +0000

Compiled by the editors of HoseMaster of Wine™ WINE SPECTATOR: In their First Annual Swimsuit Issue, Wine Spectator has some sexy and revealing photo shoots. Thomas Mathews looks particularly wanton in his Speedo with the number “99” in bold on the front. A shot of the same suit from the back reveals “With a Torpedo” written across his rear. Not sure what that means. And here’s Jim Laube surrounded by several topless bikini models, their breasts shyly hidden, in a shoot...

The M.S. Conspiracy

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Here's the first chapter of a Pulp Fiction novel starring the HoseMaster that I first published on September 29, 2009. Written in a strange style that's sort of a cross between Raymond Chandler and Mickey Spillane, the form is the perfect platform for one-liners and outrageous plots. I wrote fourteen chapters of this very shaggy dog story, and never concluded it. But, man, they were fun to write. Here, from the Golden Age of HoseMaster of Wine, long since past, is The M. S. Conspiracy. A...

My Comic Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 19:23:00 +0000

Jonathan Winters died yesterday. I have had a handful of comedy heroes in my life. Jonathan Winters was one. He was the comedian’s comedian. All the great comedians of his era worshiped him. Mostly because he was just brilliantly funny and fearless, with a gift for voices and improvisation that no one could come near. Jonathan was one of the many regulars on Jack Paar’s talk show. I was a kid, twelve years old or so, when I first saw him perform. I’d already fallen in love with jokes and...

The Linoleum Project™ from Splooge Estate

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Splooge Estate is proud to announce its newest, some might say thickest, releases yet under our proud new banner, The Linoleum Project™. Who knows how high the ceiling is for great wines? Many wineries strive to find that out. At Splooge Estate, we thought we’d try to see where the linoleum floor for wine lies, and so we named our quest, The Linoleum Project™. The Linoleum Project™ is designed to showcase wines from unusual grapes grown in unusual places and pretty much just made however the...

MacLaren Wine Company: Steve Law, and Order

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

MacLaren Wines I’m Using to Write About Me MacLaren Wine Company 2010 Syrah Russian River Valley $28 MacLaren Wine Company 2010 Syrah Drouthy Neebors Sonoma County $35 MacLaren Wine Company 2010 Syrah Samantha’s Vineyard Russian River Valley $38 MacLaren Wine Company 2010 Syrah Judge Family Vineyard Bennett Valley $38 I first met Steve Law, owner/winemaker/impressionist, when I was working freelance for Lot18. I never did find out what “Lot18” meant. I always thought it was a partial...

Little Jimmy Steward, Child MS

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

I confess that I was very surprised when the sommelier approached our table and he was only nine years old. It was an expensive restaurant with an extraordinary wine list, and I’d heard that the MS who was the sommelier had one of the best palates in the world. Rumor had it the food wasn’t that spectacular. It was a notorious knockoff of a Thomas Keller restaurant, most of the recipes stolen from him. So when I showed up with reservations for two at the famed Poached Per Se, I was there to...

Forget the James Beard Awards, It's Time for the Frugies!

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Here it is, the first Monday of April, April Fools Day, so my piece is over at Tim Atkin's place. For laughs, I had been perusing the list of nominees for the James Beard Awards. It's a long list! There must be 50 categories now, a way to give everyone who ever dissected a duck, wrote about dissecting a duck, or had sex with a duck, a Beard Award. Or duck herpes. That list triggered the piece over at Tim's. I thought it would be interesting to give awards to wine folks whose decisions were...

The Godfather Parker and Pretty Boy: The Movie

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

The Story So Far: Don Parker has increasingly been feeling the ravages of time. His back hurts, his gout is acting up and his prostate is the size of Mary Lou Retton, and performing better backflips. He checks it constantly with his thumb. Don Parker’s power is waning, his once indomitable empire is challenged on every front, his influence is still powerful yet he wields it clumsily now, bestowing gifts of 100 points willy-nilly where once he bestowed fear and envy. Don Parker is used to being...

Why I Should Quit

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 It’s not that I don’t have a zillion ideas. For example, I was about to write a post entitled, “Women in Wine—It’s the Perfect Marinade!” Oh, I got ideas alright. “Marketing to Millennials—Treat Them Like Ducks and Don’t Talk Down to Them.” I didn’t say they were all great ideas. I thought I’d write a piece about Natural and Authentic Sex. It’s strikingly similar to Natural and Authentic Wine—you...

The First Authentic, Natural and Real Blog Post

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Fair warning: This post is Authentic, Natural and Real. It may stink in an unfamiliar way, but try to keep an open mind. If you want posts that naturally stink, head over to The Feiring Line or Jamie Goode. I’ve decided to be the first wine blog to be completely Authentic. Yes, it’s more labor intensive, and it won’t appeal to everyone, like giving birth to a hairball, but I think you’ll agree that once you’ve finished reading it, once you’ve opened your mind to its possibilities, resisted the...

Millie Ennial of WineWiped.com

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

In August of 2009 I published this silly post that was both a send-up of Tom Wark's Bloggerviews (stock interviews Tom did with new wine bloggers--the questions are straight from those interviews, none of them is written by me--here is a link to his Bloggerview with the HoseMaster), and of Millennials. This piece is more than three-and-a-half years old, but when I reread it, it could have been written yesterday. That is, if I hadn't been screwing around all day yesterday. Millie Ennial became a...

Dull Wine Reviews Miraculously Cured!

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Do you ever ask yourself who’s the greatest living writer of tasting notes? Isn’t that a bit like wondering who’s the greatest chef of Minute Rice? Who’s the greatest living Madeline Albright impersonator? Who’s the greatest living wine blogger? Tasting notes, name the publication, are dreadful. Devoid of charm, wit, or usefulness, no one seems to know why they exist, like the English monarchy. Is there another subject as fascinating that then becomes as hopelessly dull when written about?...

Lo Hai Qu on The Death of Wine Critics

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 16:00:00 +0000

Lo Hai Qu I’ve turned this HoseMaster of Wine™ post over to my intern, Lo Hai Qu. It’s Lo’s job to catalog all the samples I receive for review, primarily wine, but a surprising amount of urine as well (Were it not for Lo, I’d probably mistake the latter for orange wines because they tend to have nicer labels). Lo also answers the phone, occasionally when it’s actually ringing, responds to my voluminous fan mail with prepaid restraining orders (I’m talking to you, Leslie Sbrocco and Jenna...

Sommeliers Without Borders

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 16:00:00 +0000

I was watching a piece on 60 Minutes a couple of Sundays ago about a group of Christian doctors and nurses, and other personnel, who spend their lives on a medical ship that travels up and down the coast of Eastern Africa tending to the medical needs of poor Africans. They do this for free. It reminded me of the Doctors Without Borders charity, and that inspired today's post which is over at Tim Atkin's blog. After nineteen years as a sommelier, and 35 years in the wine business, I can honestly...

What We're Reading

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 16:00:00 +0000

Compiled by the editors of HoseMaster of Wine™ WINE SPECTATOR: You’ll want to read Jenna Talia Baiocchi’s final column for Wine Spectator Online, “Holy Crap, Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me How Old These Creeps Are?” James Laube writes candidly about his experience at the Napa Valley Premiere Barrel Tasting of 2011 Cabernets, and how embarrassed he was to attend dressed as Grace Kelly because someone mentioned that at a barrel tasting you’d better Catch a Thief. Surprisingly, several...

Welcome to the Stuffed Winery Dog Diorama!

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 16:00:00 +0000

I paid a visit to the Vintners Hall of Fame in St. Helena recently, and was pleasantly surprised to find that they had opened a new wing. Now, in addition to plaques of all the elected members, the Hall is displaying important wine memorabilia. It’s a terrific idea. After all, one can travel to Cooperstown and see wondrous baseball mementoes—Eddie Goodell’s tiny protective cup made from a Budweiser beer cap, Denny McClain’s autographed prison jersey, you can even picnic with your family under...