HoseMaster of Wine

A Few Minutes Decomposing with Andy Rooney

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 21:00:00 +0000

I’ve been in touch with the late Andy Rooney recently. It may surprise you to know that I speak with many dead people—Jess Jackson, Robert Mondavi, Robert Parker, Ron Paul, Gabe Kaplan, Richard Dawson… There is a wisdom in dead people that I find compelling. Andy Rooney was kind enough to allow me to publish his posthumous thoughts about wine and the wine business. So if you don’t like the opinions, don’t blame me. I’m just channeling the old fuck. Pardon me, dead fuck. ON BLIND...

Weaners

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:30:00 +0000

Damned Weaner They ignore our laws, our borders, our boundaries, our whistles and clickers. They take jobs from unemployed Americans. They breed relentlessly and resist any form of birth control. They congregate in large numbers in parks and on street corners begging. They urinate in public. Yes, we depend on them. But at what cost? They never bother to learn the English language. They tax our abilities to feed them, take food from the mouths of our grandmothers. They smell. They have...

Best New Wine Books

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:00:00 +0000

I am always asked to recommend wine books. Each year hundreds of new wine books are published. Taken together, they provide more than 15 original thoughts and more than 25 things worth knowing about wine! With some foresight, a novice wine enthusiast could spend a year reading these books and emerge with more than six minutes of insight. Which is more than one can say about reading the collected works of Glenn Beck, which would more than likely produce brain hemorrhaging and the desire to tithe...

Dept. of Lame Premises

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:00:00 +0000

MY CRYSTAL BALLS The beginning of the year brings out the prognosticator in all of us, and since I’m over 50 I had to have my prognostate checked. Everything came out fine, if slightly sulfurous around my fingernails. I have an amazing ability to predict the future of the wine business. Most of you will remember I predicted that HoseMaster of Wine would fold. That Jess Jackson would also fold. And that Constellation would sell off its Australian wine portfolio because they found out there...

PARKENSTEIN! Part the Last

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Monkton, MD, 23 October 20__ My Dearest Sister, I had a hard time believing all that Parkenstein told me. Only a madman could believe himself a God, and then believe he could pass along His Doctrine of Infallibility to monsters of his own making, thereby making each of them a sort of Pope, emissaries who speak the word of Parkenstein and have direct access to that almighty God and his insane system of Numbers—they were Parkenstein’s Howdy Deuteronomy. And, though he was clearly insane,...

PARKENSTEIN! Part the Second

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:00:00 +0000

Monkton, MD, 22 October 20__ My Dearest Sister, Parkenstein had been the most powerful critic in his field, feared as a man fears his God, his every proclamation a Judgment Day on a 100 Point Scale, his commandments followed assiduously if not asininely. Thou shalt not filter, nor fine, nor covet thy neighbor’s bunghole. Thou shalt not worship false Gods, Tanzers and BurgHounds of Hell, for their palates are the spawn of Satan, and that spawn is slightly salty, with a creamy texture,...

PARKENSTEIN!

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 23:45:00 +0000

Monkton, MD, 20 October, 20__ My Dearest Sister, And so it was that I made the acquaintance of Robert Parkenstein on my stop in Maryland. He was washed up on shore, but, then, I was later to learn that he had been washed up for a very long time, a victim of his nefarious scheme to defy Creation and play God himself. And as we were marooned in the God-forsaken shithole that is Monkton, my ship awaiting better weather, the storm blowing harder than a Michelle Bachman speech, I heard the...

Dysfunctional Family Winemakers

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:45:00 +0000

If there's one tasting I look forward to the most eagerly each year, it's the American and International Dysfunctional Family Winemakers tasting ("AInt Dysfun?, as it's known in the trade). There's an electricity in the air unmatched at any other event in the wine biz, except maybe the annual Capital Punishment affair held by William Foley in the majestic ballroom at San Quentin when he executes the staff of a new winery he's purchased. And he spares no expense on the food--it's Last Meal for...

Ethics? Ethics? We Don't Need No Stinking Ethics

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Ask any wine blogger what the biggest roadblock to success in the wine business is and he'll undoubtedly answer, "Ethics." Stupid, useless ol' ethics. And not because he believes in ethics, that's clearly a waste of time, much like reading wine blogs published east of the Mississippi, but because there are not guidelines to these imaginary ethics. Just where are the lines that one isn't supposed to cross? And where are the lines one is supposed to obey? And the ones they promised me I could...

The Tweet Smell of Excess

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 15:00:00 +0000

I am frequently asked why I don't have a Twitter account. I don't have any use for Twitter. Twitter is like an Ionesco play--140 characters searching hopelessly for meaning. Twitter is hundreds of thousands of minds without a single thought. It's the viewing audience for the Super Bowl with keyboards. Twitter fills the universe with mindless chatter, allowing everyone to be Maury Povich or Jerry Springer or a troop of baboons. It reflects the culture in ways that aren't especially flattering;...

The Faint Aroma of Goat Bladder

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 00:57:00 +0000

v\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} o\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} w\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} .shape {behavior:url(#default#VML);} Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in;...

A Healthy Brown Movement

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Interest in the fabulous wines of Carbon Footprint (Wine Enthusiast, for example, recently scored their 2008 "Offshore Oil Spill" Chardonnay at 96 points, though no one reads Wine Enthusiast except the proofreaders and people in waiting rooms at psychiatric hospitals) has also spawned great interest in the fledgling Brown Movement in wine. (And it's easy for a consumer to actually smell the Brown Movement in a wine--so many wines proudly do.) The tiresome histrionics of those who would have us...

Wine Bloggers You Can Trust

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:00:00 +0000

I was under the apparently false illusion that I had discovered Carbon Footprint Wines. I got suckered into publishing some of their marketing material because I believed I had scooped the wine blogging community. Foolish me. As if I could outwit the parade of brilliant bloggers the Internet has to offer, those titans of wine journalism. Oh, the hubris, the hubris, my aching hubris. I was surfing the blogs, if one can surf in what amounts to a Poodle puddle, and, lo and behold, everyone is...

Introducing Carbon Footprint Wines

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 15:00:00 +0000

It certainly seems like every winery on the planet is jumping on the Green band wagon in an effort to sell wine. Organic, BioDynamic, Vegan, Techron, OxyContin, Martinized, Fleet--these are the words now commonly found on bottles of wine and in winery marketing brochures. All in an effort to convince wine buyers that not only will the wine get you trashed, but you can get stinko with a clean conscience. And, really, it takes so little effort on the consumer's part, requires virtually nothing...

My Mentor Vin Dispenses Wine Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

No matter what your line of work, almost everyone has had a mentor, a person who freely and generously gave you advice and guidance on your career path, perhaps even in your every day life. I thought I would introduce you to the man who has guided me on my wine journey, a man who has taught me as much about life as he has about wine. Perhaps in reading about him you too will benefit from his wisdom for he has much to teach everyone who loves wine. His name is Vin. I met Vin at one of the...

The HoseMaster's Honest Guide to Grapes Volume 7

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Volume Seven takes us back to the world of white wine grapes. If white wine had never existed, would anyone really care? Sort of like white soul singers. Who'd miss them? If every variety of vitis vinifera were red what would we be missing? Why I simply can't imagine my life without those two bottles of Riesling I drink a year. And who wouldn't miss Chardonnay? We need a grape to badmouth like we need Barry Bonds or Glenn Beck or Mel Gibson (who, ironically, only drinks white, really white,...

Karen

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

A career in the wine business is fantastic and utterly selfish. For 30+ years I've been paid to learn about wine, drink excessively, talk about wine to everyone I meet, and accept countless free rooms and trips and hats and polo shirts. And for this I earned admiration and unwarranted respect. Walk into a party and announce you're an accountant, no one cares. Walk in and have folks discover you're a sommelier, everyone seems to want to talk to you about wine. It's shameful, really, our...

House at Spew Corner

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Chapter 1 We are introduced to Winnie-the-Spew and our story begins So here comes Christopher Robbin and his precious Bear kerplunking and headthunking down the stairs, bump, bump, bump, one at a time, having awakened Daddy, MS, from his sound, bearlike slumber. One swift kick and Christoper Robbin and Winnie-the-Spew are already downstairs for breakfast, all of their arms bent in funny and unusual ways. "Oh, look at this, Spew, I can point in two directions at the same time with only one...

Dusty Rutherford's Greatest Hits

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 15:55:00 +0000

As long as I've been tasting wine I've wondered what the hell "Rutherford dust" is. What makes it different from any other dust? And isn't dust mostly just dead human skin cells? Why do I want to smell that in my Cabernet? "Hmmm, smells like cassis, green olive and a nasty case of eczema--must be from Rutherford." I think it was Andre Tchelistcheff (I just call him "the Sheff") who first coined the expression, and even he didn't know what it meant. I, personally, think it was in response to...

Best New Wineries of 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:00:00 +0000

My mailbox is overflowing with press releases from new and interesting wine projects. This is what happens when you become one of the top wine bloggers in America. It becomes your duty to spread the information as widely as possible, as if you're the prison wife of wine marketing departments everywhere. So, as an obedient wine blogger, I'm going to share some of the latest news about up-and-coming wineries to watch for in the next few months. SELF-LOATHING WINERY AND VINEYARDS The goal of...

Tom Wark's Sermontation

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 19:30:00 +0000

A blog set inside the world of wine public relations--where the media, the culture and I are different words for the same thing. HOW THE BP DISASTER IS LIKE EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF IN THE WINE BUSINESS 1. The BP oil spill is exactly like the Three Tier Distribution System. In the brief history of the United States, a history unlike the history of any other country because no other country borders Mexico and Canada at the same time, the BP oil spill is the worst ecological catastrophe ever...

What I Learned About Blogging in Walla Walla

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 22:30:00 +0000

ABOUT ME I learned so much at the Wine Bloggers Conference, and I had this totally original idea to list the Top Ten Things I Learned! It just came to me. I swear, I don't know where it came from. Maybe I'm channeling one of the many geniuses I met in Walla Walla. You would not believe how many geniuses were there. Steve Heimoff was there (he's like a SuperGenius! He sounds just like Stephen Hawking! Not the physicist, just some guy named Stephen, hawking.), Lettie Teague was there (she's such...

The HoseMaster's Honest Guide to Grapes Volume 6

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 04:00:00 +0000

When you're at a dinner party and the hosts break out an interesting bottle of wine, what's the first thing you think? Well, if you're like me (you should be so lucky) you're wondering where you put your Rohipnol. But you're also trying to think of something interesting to say about the wine. This is easy if the wine is, say, Merlot or Chardonnay. You just say something gracious like, "Gosh, I hope at least the food will be interesting." Or, "Did you know Merlot has become virtually worthless?"...

Pinotage, Poodles and Poetry

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 15:00:00 +0000

I usually like to post pieces about one subject. I have this regulator in my brain that tells me how long a post should be, how far to take the tastelessness, when to quit. It doesn't work, but I have one. But I thought this time I'd just improvise a bit, give you poor suckers a glimpse into my twisted mind, let you see what runs through my head when I'm driving, or sitting on my redwood deck flipping off bluejays. Herewith, some very random thoughts... Every four years the World Cup comes...

OOPS

noreply@blogger.com (Ron Washam, HMW) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Oh, to be headed to Walla Walla and the Wine Bloggers Conference! It would be like a dream come true. All of those talented and brilliant bloggers in one room! It sends chills up and down my spine. Something they can only imagine--having a spine. All of those titans of wine in one room, well, it makes me wish for one thing. If only writers' block were as contagious as the Ebola virus... The Wine Bloggers Conference, better known as Oodles of Poodles (or OOPS, for short) is the annual meeting...