“I read it often and have read it cover to cover,” Bob said. “Every word holds some importance.”

Each moment is increasingly important to Bob. While his faith has been a constant throughout his life, it and his family have become even more of focus since being diagnosed with cancer in 2011.

It’s in the quiet, peaceful moments Bob spends with his Bible in hand that makes him feel most at home and like himself during an uncertain time.

The Wyoming native is a charter member of Bible Baptist Church in Grand Forks. It celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2016.

“I did a little bit of everything,” Bob said. “Moving walls, cleaning the floor, picking up kids, teaching Sunday school. I was a handyman until a handyman showed up.”

The hands that once built a church, and rebuilt it after the Red River flood of 1997, now flip through the pages of his Bible. It was a gift from his son and replaced the version Bob misplaced 12 years ago, the same year he lost his wife, Lucille.

Recognizing the Value of Hospice

Bob met Lucille, fittingly, in a church in San Antonio, where he was stationed during part of his 22-year career in the U.S. Air Force. Eight months later they married. They spent four years in Germany before moving to Grand Forks. The couple raised two boys and two girls while Bob worked for the Air Force and another 22 years with UPS.

In 2007, Lucille, Bob’s wife of 55 years, died of pancreatic cancer. She spent the final week of her life under hospice care. Bob wishes they had explored it sooner for her because Lucille spent most of her final months going to and from the hospital from treatments before hospice care.

Lucille’s death reinforced Bob’s belief in quality care at home when his own health took a turn for the worse. For Bob, that meant calling Hospice.

Two years after going into remission from bladder cancer, the disease returned and spread throughout Bob’s abdomen. Chemotherapy treatments took their toll.

“When we found out what it really was, I didn’t see any future continuing (treatments),” Bob said. “I’m happy I dropped the chemo. I haven’t been sick since.”

Discontinuing treatment brought relief. Bob could simply focus on living well and spending valuable time with loved ones because Hospice of the Red River Valley is helping him along the way.

“(Hospice of the Red River Valley) asked me what I needed,” Bob said. “I said, ‘A bed.’ I believe it was the next day they came with all the necessities. All kinds of stuff I didn’t know they would provide.”

Bob lives with his youngest son on three acres northwest of Grand Forks. The north-facing view is made up of mixed-grass prairie dotted with shrubs. Hawks patrol overhead. Bob explained that in the winter, it can be like living in a snow globe.

Most important to Bob, this is home.

Regular, Dependable Care

Each week, Bob welcomes his hospice nurse, Judy Hendry, into his home.

Their relationship is built on honesty and trust.

“The first thing Judy does is drops her bag, pulls out her tools and says, ‘Let’s get after it,’” Bob said. “We get along well. Judy is easy to talk to, and she’s pretty thorough in what she does.”

Judy said the two clicked from the start. “I enjoy and look forward to my visits with Bob,” she said. “He’s the kind of guy when I call him he always asks, ‘How are you doing? How was your weekend?’ Bob also is very matter of fact. He understands what’s happening. He has no fears.”

A certified nursing assistant (CNA) and social worker also regularly visit. The small things add up for someone living at home. So when the CNA helps with household duties, like washing dishes or making the bed, it makes all the difference for Bob.

“Judy always tells me if you need me, I’m on the line,” he said. “It doesn’t matter what time of day or night. It makes me feel great that I can call anytime. It’s nice that I can trust the nurses who come out, along with the CNAs.”

Longtime Hospice of the Red River Valley volunteer Gilman Beck also stops by once a week from nearby Northwood, also home to one of Bob’s daughters.

The Hospice staff support allows Bob to maintain his independence, going out almost every day. He’s able to visit with his 15 grandchildren.

Bob appreciates the Hospice team’s reliability. “When I get a call, I mark it on my calendar and they are always here when they say they will be,” he said.

At the end of each visit, Judy and Bob take time to visit about life. Bob gives updates about his family.

The ongoing support allows Bob to live his life exactly as he wishes, which includes spending time with family. Every evening, Bob has supper with his son and they follow it up with their favorite TV show, “Jeopardy!” “He gets more questions right,” Bob quipped.

Bob’s certain he’s made the best decision for his end-of-life care in calling Hospice.

“Give them a chance. I’m sure it will be the right decision,” Bob said. “I’m thoroughly satisfied with what Hospice of the Red River Valley does for you.”

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

Ways to Remember Your Father

• Take part in an activity that your father would appreciate
• Go to a location that holds special memories of him
• Remember your father with a special meal
• Was there a tradition that he especially enjoyed on Father’s Day? If so, is there a way you can take part in that in some way?
• Use the day to share stories of your father with other members of the family, especially younger generations that might not have known him well
• Make a financial gift to an organization that he supported
• Take flowers to your father’s gravesite
• Give flowers to your faith community in his memory
• Listen to music that your father enjoyed
• Support a community cause that was important to your father

Support for You

• Consider how you would best like to spend this day: Alone? With family? With friends? At home? Going to a special place?
• Share fond memories of your father with other family members
• Talk with friends who also have lost their fathers
• Spend the day participating in a hobby, sport or other activity that you enjoy
• Read a book that is uplifting and encouraging
• Spend time with a pet
• Listen to your favorite music
• Invite family and friends to share a meal with you
• Watch a show or movie that you enjoy
• Spend some time outdoors
• Treat yourself to a special meal at a favorite restaurant

Support for a Friend who has Lost a Father

• Recognize your friend may find this to be a difficult day
• Offer to spend time with your friend on Father’s Day
• If your friend wants to talk about her father, listen attentively and without judgment
• Tell your friend that you are available to join him in an activity to remember his father
• Let your friend know you are available for a “fun” day if that is what she prefers
• Send a card recalling a special memory of your friend’s father
• Go with your friend to a religious service where his father is remembered
• Be open to supporting a wide variety of emotions from your friend
• If conversation with your friend is open, consider sharing a fond memory of her father
• Tell your friend that you see an admirable trait of his father living on through him
• Offer to take your friend to one of her father’s favorite restaurants
• Offer to go with your friend to place flowers at her father’s gravesite
• Make a donation to a favorite charity of your friend’s father
• Invite your friend to your home for a meal
• Sit with your friend as he reviews photos and other memorabilia related to his father
• Assist your friend with a project that honors her father
• Provide childcare for your friend so she can have time alone
• Offer to care for your friend’s pet(s) and/or plants so he can spend time away from home for a day or two

This article is used with permission from Hospice Foundation of America (HFA). For more information about HFA, visit www.hospicefoundation.org. 

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

Hospice CNAs help patients with personal care needs, including feeding, bathing assistance, shaving and nail care. They also provide light housekeeping services for individuals under our care. But perhaps the most important aspect of a hospice CNA’s role is preserving the patient’s dignity and respecting their wishes for personal cares, as the CNA often spends the most time with a patient while providing the most delicate of cares.

In honor of National Nursing Assistants Week, we spoke with Hospice of the Red River Valley CNA Diego Portillo Lopez about the distinct role of a hospice CNA and his experience providing care and support to our patients and their families.

Describe your typical day.
I see about seven patients a day, both in their homes and at facilities like nursing homes. Some people I see every day. You have to keep the visits and care consistent so a strong relationship can be built. Working in hospice care, there is an increased interaction with the patient’s family; you get much closer to them. I’m a very caring, open person, which has helped me adapt to any situation.

What interested you in health care?
I like working with people, and I have a soft spot for the elderly. My grandparents are very important to me, especially my grandparents in El Salvador. So, geriatrics and health care really stood out for me. I decided to give the field a try, and I loved it right away.

What brought you to Hospice of the Red River Valley?
I wanted to try something new. I worked at an assisted living facility in Fargo, and it was a great organization. I learned so much, and the people I worked with were fantastic. I gained years of experience, but I wanted to expand. That is when I chose Hospice of the Red River Valley. I have learned that life is short. I approach every day with a positive attitude so I can do the best I can for somebody else.

What do you enjoy the most about working at Hospice of the Red River Valley?
The relationships I get to have with the patients I am helping. Each person and family is unique and interesting. All of the “thank yous” and hugs are priceless. I really feel the appreciation when they take my hand and say “thank you for what you have done.” I love making them feel better.

How do you describe the CNA role in hospice care?
I feel our role is to be a friend to the patient. I know the care and care plan are really important, but I believe developing a relationship goes a long way. It makes our work much easier when the patient can feel the trust.

Each and every one of our CNAs is gifted in their own way, and I can assure you there is always a CNA ready to take good care of our patients. They are all awesome. I’m still learning and look forward to continuing to learn.

How has working at Hospice of the Red River Valley impacted you?
Working here has made me see what’s most important. I spend as much time as I can with my wife and we do things we both enjoy. Working here also helped me through my grandmother’s death a few months ago. She was 82.

As a CNA going into a patient’s home, we see family dynamics from a different perspective. With my grandmother, I was the family, so it helped me realize what some of our patient’s families are dealing with.

What motivates you each day?
Before I go to bed I look at who I am going to see the next day. I check the patient care plans. I pray before I go to bed and wake up with a good, positive attitude to start my day.

What really motivate me are the relationships I have built and the work I do. Every day I do the best that I can to the best of my ability. I really like to look ahead as well. I see myself at Hospice for a long time. I love taking care of people.

What do you wish people knew about hospice care?
I wish people took advantage of it sooner. There is so much we can do to support the patient and their family. We are here to provide support to your loved one and to you as their family.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

by Janna Benson Kontz, MDiv

In many ways, I believe a brightly colored quilt symbolizes life with intricately interwoven shapes, colors and patterns. And, although life isn’t always as bright, easy and beautiful as a quilt, it’s not all dark either. We need both bright and dark shades to create the beautiful pattern, just as in our lives. It’s the way life is, and if we let it, our “life quilt” will turn out to be a stunning pattern of contrast between beauty and sadness and joy and grief.

As there are common threads and color that run through a quilt, there are a few common threads that bind the many roles of a caregiver. First of all, there is the thread of love. It is that bright thread that allows us to wear our hearts on our sleeves and allows us to keep going for one more day, one more hour, and one more minute. Love is what drives us beyond exhaustion and what sustains us when all else seems impossible. Love is the thread that binds each of us together in a common goal of providing the best care humanly possible.

Another common thread is strength. Caregivers have an inner strength that is unparalleled in our world today. Sometimes that strength wavers, but it is an enduring strength that holds everything together through the storms a caregiver faces. Often physical strength is required to lift and assist in the tasks that need to be done. Emotional and spiritual strength holds each of us up in the worst of times and allows us to smile and laugh in the best of times.

Quilts are made to be strong. We could pull it in many directions, and it wouldn’t tear. They can be washed and dried countless times, tugged on and folded and tossed on the floor. And yet, they rarely fall apart. A quilt may fade and the fabric may thin out a bit, but it is a strong covering.

Do you know why that is? It’s because the many threads that make up a quilt work together. The threads are woven and sewed and pieced together to create not only something beautiful, but also something useful, strong and warm. Caregivers are like that. We need each other to be our very strongest. We need each other to create the best and warmest and most useful quilt for those we love. All of us together make the quilt bright and dark and fabric strong and warm.

As a caregiver, you all are a light in this world. Never forget that. Sometimes your light may feel feeble and small against the darkness. But remember that there are others out there who are willing to add their light to yours. You don’t stand alone in the dark. We all stand with you.

You may be like me and your role as a caregiver includes providing presence, a shoulder to cry on or simply a smile to brighten a day. You may be one who helps someone wade through paperwork and helps to write wills, living wills, cards and letters.

Your job as a caregiver might be to bathe and wash hair, dress and change sheets. You may show up to do blood pressure and listen to hearts and lungs and assess medications. Listening to people’s grief and their worries now that a loved one has died may be what you do. Or you may just be the most important of all the caregivers, the family members and friends who, in many ways, provide all of these things and more.

Regardless of your specific caregiving role, thank you for being the light in the darkness. Thank you for being the bright in the quilt. Thank you for bringing the love into this world.

Janna Benson Kontz, MDiv, is a chaplain with Hospice of the Red River Valley.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

by Stephanie Pritchard, LPC, NCC

Mindfulness has become a hot topic in recent years even though it’s been practiced for centuries. It’s a tool that can be used to address a variety of challenges that people face, such as anxiety, depression, overeating, problems in relationships, chronic pain and grief.

Fundamentally, mindfulness is more than having a general awareness of what’s happening around you.

Jon Kabat-Zinn is a well-known writer on the topic and defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and nonjudgmentally.” This article explores reasons why mindfulness practice is beneficial for bereaved individuals and also offers practical tips on how you can begin to incorporate a mindfulness practice into your life.

It is natural for humans to try to avoid pain and suffering. We don’t want to hurt, but realistically, grief is part of the human experience. Avoiding the reality and pain of the loss is not beneficial for grieving individuals long-term, and it’s important to allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that accompany grief. This includes experiencing moments of joy and peace, without self-judgement and guilt.

Mindfulness practice is not meant to minimize that pain or to convince people that everything is OK, but rather to help you recognize the reality of your circumstances, and to do so in a nonjudgmental and self-compassionate way. Mindfulness can become a way of being, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Let’s explore how you can incorporate mindfulness into your life.

To get started, select one or two mindfulness exercises that you feel comfortable exploring. Some of my personal favorites are mindful breathing, mindful walking and loving kindness. Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD, talks in-depth about these exercises in his book, ‘The Mindfulness Solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems.’

1. Mindful Breathing

This can be done anywhere at any time and without anyone realizing you are doing it. Mindful breathing involves focusing your attention on your body as breath enters and exits. This exercise is helpful for calming your mind and body, as well as alleviating anxiety.

2. Mindful Walking

This is one of my favorite activities because it also includes physical activity, which can be beneficial for mood and mental health. This exercise is especially helpful for those whose grief has them feeling depressed or who tend to isolate themselves. A nature walk can also provide an opportunity to reflect on the natural cycle of life and death and to experience the beauty in everything around us.

3. Loving Kindness

This is a type of mindfulness meditation that involves self-talk. Loving kindness is especially helpful for people who are struggle to find acceptance or are being self-critical of their progress through grief. This exercise can also be done to show loving kindness toward the person who died.

Using mindfulness with grief is not intended to diminish the pain associated with a loss, but rather to acknowledge the pain and to face it head on instead of running from it. It usually takes more energy to avoid grief than to let ourselves experience it. You can begin your mindfulness practice today by simply pausing to fully embrace this moment in time.

Stephanie Pritchard, LPC, NCC, is a bereavement specialist with Hospice of the Red River Valley.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

Hospice nurses take on a critical role in caring for terminally ill patients and their families. Comfort is a hospice nurse’s primary focus and advocating for patients is always their number one priority. Hospice of the Red River Valley registered nurses (RNs) are specially trained in pain control and symptom management. They provide exemplary patient-centered care guided by the individual’s wants and needs.

In honor of National Nurses Week, we spoke with Hospice of the Red River Valley RN Judy Hendry—who works with patients in and around Grand Forks, Crookston and Thief River Falls areas—about the distinct role of a hospice nurse and her experience providing care and support to our patients and their families.

What is your background and what brought you to Hospice of the Red River Valley?
I’ve been a nurse for 28 years. I worked in a hospital setting for 18 years and for a private practice nephrologist for five years. Most of my hospital work was with oncology and renal patients, and I liked to take care of those people. I liked to “fluff up” the patients, make them feel good and look good. I always said when I retired I was going to be a hospice volunteer. I didn’t have to wait for retirement because I saw an opening for an RN with Hospice of the Red River Valley in Grand Forks, and here I am six years later. I love it!

From a nurse’s perspective, what does a patient visit looks like?
I start each visit by asking the patient what has been going on since we last saw each other. I want to hear what’s been happening and what questions the person has from their perspective. After we visit for a bit, I complete my clinical tasks: check their heart rate, blood pressure, do my assessment and so on. I also spend time reviewing the person’s medications to make sure no adjustments are needed.

If there are any symptom management issues, I call our medical director or a nurse practitioner and review the symptoms with them over the phone to determine if any medication changes need to be made. If I get orders or changes, I write them down for the people because it’s hard to remember everything. We often fill their pill boxes and encourage them to call if they need anything. Then we usually make a plan for our next visit.

What makes being a hospice nurse special?
It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. It’s very humbling. I look at it as an honor to go into people’s homes, wherever their home may be, during such an important point in their lives. People are vulnerable at the end of their lives and to let us into their homes and their lives at that time is pretty amazing. This is the best job I’ve ever had. It will be my last job because I don’t want to do anything else.

What qualities make a good hospice nurse?

• Caring
• Compassion
• Empathy
• Patience
• Problem solver
• Resourceful
• Independent thinker

How has working at Hospice of the Red River Valley impacted you personally?
I’ve learned a lot about what hospice can do for families—keeping people comfortable and letting them die with dignity. We all have people getting older and have to deal with different struggles. It made me look at my life and my family. Working at Hospice of the Red River Valley has helped open up the dialogue about death with my parents and family. For a lot of people the topic does not come easy. I have a big immediate family, and I bring it up all of the time. It makes some people uncomfortable, but we talk about it anyway.

What do you wish people knew about hospice?
It’s not giving up hope; it’s about embracing the next phase. The most common thing we hear is, “We wish we would have called Hospice sooner.” It can be scary. I often tell people nobody is ever happy to see me walk through the door because I’m not just “Judy,” I’m “Hospice.” But by the time I leave, there is usually such a sense of relief because there is help. It’s different than any other medical care. There is a time and a place for everything. This is our area of expertise. I tell people it’s a hard phone call to make, but after that first visit, they realize they have someone to call and they are not alone.

How do you spend your spare time?
I love spending time with my family. I’ve been married for 27 years. We have two kids, a son (24) and daughter (22). We have a lake place and do a lot of fishing. I like to read, especially psychological thrillers, and go walking.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

Fifteen years ago, Barb Bohm chose a lovely way to spend more time with her daughter while giving back through volunteering with Hospice of the Red River Valley. Since then, the pair has experienced priceless life lessons together.

“My daughter and I began volunteering together in 2003. At that time my daughter was 19, and I felt like we were drifting apart,” Barb recalled. “I said to her one day, ‘We should do something together that would be a good thing.’ She was willing to give it a try.” Barb’s daughter was studying to be a nurse, so when they read in the newspaper that Hospice of the Red River Valley was looking for volunteers, they decided to take the training together. “That’s how we got started,” Barb explained.

The pair volunteered together for several years and made so many happy memories in doing so. Now Barb’s daughter has kids of her own and it’s become more challenging to find the time. Yet Barb continues her work, and eventually what began as an outlet to spend more time with her daughter blossomed into an entirely new skillset.

After several years of visiting with Hospice patients, Barb needed a break but didn’t want to step away from volunteering with Hospice altogether. “My mom was getting older, and I felt I had to spend more time with her so I asked Nikki, my Hospice volunteer coordinator, to take me off the schedule for six months,” Barb shared. “Nikki understood, and I kept going to the trainings Hospice provided when I was available. Then Nikki told me about the Celebration Bear [memory bear] program.”

Nikki explained that Celebration Bears are special mementos sewn by Hospice volunteers. Family members of Hospice of the Red River Valley patients may request a bear to remember their loved one. Families will supply a favorite clothing item from the individual who passed away and in return they receive a handmade keepsake bear made from the fabric.

“Nikki asked me if I knew how to sew. I said, ‘No, not really,’ and she asked if I was willing to try. So I told her I would make one and send it to her and if she felt it was good enough, then I would do it. So I made one and prayed like crazy because I didn’t know how to sew, but it turned out really, really cute!” Barb said.

After teaching herself how to sew and completing the first bear, Barb has since lovingly made 35 more Celebration Bears, for a total of 36.

“Making Celebration Bears is always really rewarding. You can’t help but hold them for a little bit before you give them up. And the families are so grateful and can’t believe someone would do that for them,” Barb said. “They just have so much good to say about Hospice. The time they are going through is so real and very honest, and you get to comfort and help them. It’s really beautiful.”

Through volunteering with Hospice, Barb not only developed a new skill, but she also gained a new perspective on life and caring for others. “Volunteering for Hospice has provided me with a constant reminder that we all need each other through all different times, whether good or tough. People need love whether or not you know them. It doesn’t matter,” Barb said. “And Hospice is such a good organization.”

“Volunteering with Hospice of the Red River Valley has been an experience I wasn’t even planning on having. I didn’t know it was going to be this wonderful or life changing. I am so much better off now than I was before volunteering,” Barb said. “It has put everything in perspective. It’s just so much better when you can put somebody else first. There is no room for self-centeredness. It’s life changing, truly. I feel that about many service organizations. We need them all, and I feel lucky that this one happens to be mine.”

Have you ever considered becoming a Hospice volunteer? Volunteers provide critical support for our day-to-day work while changing lives and truly making a difference in their communities. Whether spending time with patients, helping in the office or working at our thrift and gift store, volunteers are an essential part of the Hospice team. Learn more about these and the other volunteer roles at Hospice of the Red River Valley. 

If you’d like to join the team, fill out our online application. Once your application is received, a volunteer coordinator will contact you to discuss the next steps. If you have questions, call (800) 237-4629 and ask to speak with a volunteer coordinator or send us a message. We look forward to meeting you!

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

by Heather Larson, LSW, CT

Knowing how to help a grieving friend or family member who has experienced loss through death can be challenging, but there are some things you can do to support someone going through this difficult time. The following are five practical ways to support a grieving person in your life.

Be Present
First things first, show up. I often have bereavement clients who are surprised when their closest family and friends have seemed to turn away from them in the midst of their grief. These grieving individuals may be in a vulnerable state with their brains muddled by confusion and chaos. They may not have the energy or ability to see that other people simply do not know what to do or say. We may not know all the right things to say or do, but our willingness to be present during this deeply sacred time shows that we are supportive and reliable.

Embrace—Don’t Fix
Our discomfort with others’ grief oftentimes creates the desire to make it better or make it go away. Grief is not something to be fixed. Grief, as we often hear, is the price we pay for love. It’s our lasting connection to the person who’s died. There is nothing we can say, no perfect combination of words that will magically make the bereaved feel better. In times of haste as we search for the right words to make someone feel better, we may say things that minimize their grief, and in turn, doing more damage than good.

Avoiding common phrases, such as, “God must have needed another angel” and “She’s in a better place,” and instead being willing to sit with them quietly, even in times of silence. In these moments, listening and validating their grief is all that is needed; advice is best left at the door.

Accepting the New
One of the greatest challenges we may face in supporting someone who is grieving is realizing and accepting they are no longer the same person they were prior to the loss. Their identity without their loved one is different, and they have to learn to navigate this “new life” and learn to accept it themselves. It is natural to wish for them to return to their previous self or level of functioning and the person may also wish this, but it is not reality. When we love someone, we have to be open to loving them as they grow and change through life’s ups and downs.

Remember
As painful and unpredictable as grief can be, the simple gesture of remembering and acknowledging their loved may be of great comfort. Not only can birthdays, anniversaries and holidays be especially difficult, but there is also great evidence that grief can be intensified around six to seven months following the death.

During this time frame, the support system has often significantly deteriorated, and we have finished up with the busy tasks that consumed us in the early days following the death. The numbness we once felt is waning. Cards, phone calls or text messages are great forms of acknowledgement on special days and at any time in the months and years following their loved one’s death. Be open to the signs they want to talk about their loved one, if they bring them up they are likely cuing you that they want to do so.

Follow Through
As simple as it may seem, one of the most important ways we can support the bereaved is by following through with whatever it is we say we are going to do. I have heard from bereaved clients that have had friends or family give them that all too familiar line, “let me know if you need anything,” but then are let down at a time of need when their friends or family are too busy.

Mustering up the courage and energy to ask for help is difficult for the best of us. A good rule of thumb is to only say what you mean and do what you say. We may be their only source of constancy during a time that can feel completely overwhelming. It takes a brave person to embrace another’s pain and suffering, and most that have done so recognize it’s also gift for them.

If you or someone you know is grieving, we encourage you to take advantage of the groups, classes or individual support we offer through our bereavement department. For more information, please call (800) 237-4629 and ask for the bereavement department, or visit our website.

Heather Larson is a bereavement specialist with Hospice of the Red River Valley.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

Each poppy takes approximately two to three minutes to make and requires carefully assembling each element using wire and pliers, and finally, attaching the ‘In Memoriam’ tag with a sturdy adhesive. “I spend some time every day making poppies. I used to spend as much as 12-16 hours a day when the Auxiliary really needed them done,” Leo said.

A little bit each day adds up to countless hours throughout the year on a project that also holds special meaning for Leo. This work carries on the legacy of his friend Archie, who originally taught him the craft when they were both living at the North Dakota Veterans Home in Lisbon. “Archie was the nicest guy I ever seen in my life. He showed me how to do everything [make poppies],” Leo shared. “I always figured he was the most honest guy I’d ever known.”

As a young man, Leo was drafted into service and served for three years and 9 months in the Marine Corps. “Well, I figured lots of people die in war, you know. I’m one of the ones that came out of there alive,” he explained. “Making poppies is a memorial for the ones who have died; it’s the least I can do.” With no family living close by, Leo is living his best life in service to others, and Hospice of the Red River Valley is helping him along the way.

In early 2017, the advanced stages of Leo’s colon cancer prompted a move from his home of 18 years, the North Dakota Veterans Home in Lisbon, N.D., to Sheyenne Care Center in Valley City, N.D., where they could better accommodate his growing needs. When he made the move, Leo also enlisted the help of Hospice of the Red River Valley to add complementary support to the care provided by facility staff.

“When Leo first moved to the Care Center, it was quite the transition for him so I worked to help him adjust to his new home and the added support,” Karolee, Hospice of the Red River Valley social worker, said. “Not only was he adjusting to the move, but he was also told his cancer was terminal at the same time. I really encouraged him to talk about how he was feeling during that time to help him process things.”

In visiting with Leo, Hospice staff discovered a treasured book of his was misplaced in the move to his new home. The beloved book, ‘Echoing Trails II,’ told the history of Billings County, N.D. Leo looked at the book often, reminiscing about the families and place where he grew up. “Leo enjoys history and talking about his childhood, what he did and where he worked, so I knew trying to locate a copy of the book was important,” Karolee explained.

After doing a bit of research and making a call to the North Dakota State Library, Karolee located a copy of the book at Valley City State University and was able to check it out for Leo. Karolee renewed the book several times for Leo and eventually was able to locate a volume he could keep. “He was so pleased. He looks through the book and tells you all about each person and things he remembers,” she said.

With Sheyenne Care Center and Hospice of the Red River Valley working in tandem, Leo’s days are filled with quiet dignity. He is able to focus on what brings him joy—meticulously constructing poppies, reminiscing about family and home and attending church—all while being well-cared for and free of pain and symptoms of his disease.

Above and beyond caring for his physical and emotional needs, Leo’s Hospice team has worked to preserve these joyful moments—and timeless treasures—to help ensure Leo’s time left is meaningful to him. “They’ve been really good to me. I couldn’t find better help,” Leo shared.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.

We spoke with Hospice of the Red River Valley Social Worker Tammy Baehler about the distinct role of a hospice social worker and her 20 years of experience helping our patients and their families navigate the end-of-life journey.

What was it about hospice care that speaks to you?

I’ve always enjoyed the concept of hospice. It’s more of an intimate setting with hospice care. You are able to go into a person’s home, whether that is a nursing home, assisted living or a private residence, and spend quality time with the patient and family. I enjoy seeing patients in their own environments, proving patient-centered care. I also enjoy being able to work so closely with the Hospice interdisciplinary team and forming close relationships to provide the best end-of-life care.

A lot of things have changed over the years, but one thing has remained consistent—we’ve always provided quality care. I believe that we do the best we can for every patient and family we serve. It’s rewarding to know you can make a difference in someone’s life.

Explain the role of a hospice social worker and how you support patients and families.

As a hospice social worker, I provide care not only for the patient, but also the entire family system. I never go into a visit with an agenda. My focus is always on finding out what is most important to the patient on that day or what is the most worrisome to the person. I think you can get a lot of information by just asking those two questions and listening. I let patients dictate the direction of our visits together and what issues they may need help with. It can be a number of things from needing more care in the home, help with advanced care planning and accessing community resources to providing supportive counseling. It all depends on what is going on with the person’s unique situation.

What do you think makes a hospice social worker a key part of the team?

Our values as social workers add an important element to the overall team. We bring calmness and open mindedness to difficult situations through empathy, advocacy and problem solving skills.

How do you navigate helping two different entities—the patient and their family—during such delicate time in people’s lives?

It can be a challenge because everyone brings in their own ideas and experiences, and you might not always agree. But one of the rewarding aspects of my job is that we get to help the patient and family members come together and decide on a path and how they want the experience to unfold. It’s all about managing expectations and being realistic about the situation and getting to know patients and their wishes so you can best support them.

Recently, a family member of a patient said to me, ‘I don’t know how you do this job, it’s so depressing.’ I shared with her that it’s really not. I get to see much good in people and their families. At a really difficult time in their lives, people are willing to come together and support one another to find a resolution, and that is so fulfilling to witness.

What does a good death look like to you?

A good death is however the patient and family define a good death. Sometimes it means having their family surround the patient or just having their pain and symptoms controlled. Whatever way you are able to honor their wishes is fulfilling.

How has working at Hospice of the Red River Valley impacted you personally?

I encourage my family to enjoy today because you are not guaranteed tomorrow. That is definitely one of the main takeaways I have learned with this job is things can change so quickly and you are not guaranteed every day. Enjoy today!

What do you do to take care of yourself in a role like this?

I think anytime a person decides to work in a long-term health care profession, you need to find different ways to take care of yourself. Things I enjoy doing are spending time at the lake on the weekends, gardening, vacationing, movies and family time.

What advice would you give to a young professional considering this career?

I always share with new staff that sometimes families bring in issues that they probably have been dealing with a long time. So you aren’t going to come in at the end of their life and just fix everything. But if you can help them navigate and manage through the end-of-life experience, that’s important and helpful. It energizes me when I get to see other people’s excitement for hospice. You can’t get away from death, and I often think of myself and my family, and I want them to have the best end-of-life experience they can possibly have. I feel we provide that at Hospice of the Red River Valley.

To learn more about how Hospice of the Red River Valley social workers support patients and families, visit our website.

About Hospice of the Red River Valley
Hospice of the Red River Valley is an independent, not-for-profit hospice serving all, or portions of, 29 counties in North Dakota and Minnesota. Hospice care is intensive comfort care that alleviates pain and suffering, enhancing the quality of life for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their loved ones by addressing their medical, emotional, spiritual and grief needs. For more information, call toll free 800-237-4629, email questions@hrrv.org or visit www.hrrv.org.